Episode 14: Healing Through Loss: Moving Beyond Grief

Send us a text

Grief arrives in countless forms—sometimes through death, other times through separation, and often through the quiet evolution of our own identities. In this vulnerable conversation, Vanessa opens up about losing her father suddenly at 19, while Kayla shares her experience of being torn from her mother at age 9 when her mom went to prison.

The raw emotion is palpable as Vanessa recalls walking into her childhood home after her father's passing and feeling that unmistakable "cold breeze" of absence. She shares beautiful memories of her quiet, kind father who always made her mom's morning coffee and taught her the value of truly listening to others. Meanwhile, Kayla recounts the confusion and heartbreak of being placed in foster care without understanding why, screaming for her mother through the windows of a van as they were driven away.

Both hosts explore how these profound losses shaped their adult relationships and perspectives. Vanessa wonders how different her romantic relationships might have been with her father's protective guidance, while Kayla reveals how foster care taught her to build emotional walls that she's still working to dismantle in therapy. They share the uncomfortable truth that grief doesn't simply fade with time—it becomes part of who we are, appearing in unexpected waves throughout our lives.

Perhaps most valuable is their discussion about what not to say to someone who's grieving. Phrases like "time heals all wounds," "they'd want you to be strong," or commenting on someone's funeral attire (yes, this actually happened to Vanessa) miss the mark entirely. Instead, they suggest simple presence, practical support, and the freedom to express grief without timeline or expectation.

Listen in as we explore how loss, in all its forms, becomes absorbed into our story—not as an ending, but as an ongoing conversation with our past, present, and future selves. And if you're grieving anything right now, we see you and we've got you.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
All right, everyone, welcome back to the show.
Today's episode is a littlemore personal.
We're talking about loss, notjust the kind that only comes
from death, but the kind thatreshapes our world.
Today, I am going to be openingup about losing my dad, and we

(00:24):
are your hosts.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
I'm Vanessa Curry and the lovely I'm Kayla Becker and
, yeah, we're talking about loss, but not only just through
through death.
I'm going to talk about what itfelt like to suddenly lose my
mom again not to death, but tothe prison system.

Speaker 1 (00:41):
So, and you know, this isn't just a sad girl
episode.
It's about grief, growth andeverything no one really teaches
us about letting go.

Speaker 2 (00:54):
So hopefully, something that we talk about
today resonates with you in someway, because I think, no matter
what the kind of loss,everybody knows what that feels
like.
So the way we're gonna do thisepisode is I'm gonna start out
and kind of interviewing Vanessahere and letting her share her
story, and then she's gonna dothe same for me after that.
So bear with us.
Again, this could be a littlehard stuff to talk about, but

(01:14):
one of the first times that youand I got together in your
kitchen, you and I really openedup about these parts of our
lives and I think that was oneof those defining moments of,
like our friendship and justwhen you meet people who
understand, like, the gravity ofthose emotions and feelings and
experiences, like it means alot and goes a long way.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
So, yeah, I appreciate you opening up on on
the show, same you too I'm proudof us because, like, like you
said, we this was one of thefirst conversations we kind of
had as a friendship.
I think that had a lot of depthto it and it's taken us 14
episodes to let you guys in onit, because it is vulnerable and

(01:54):
it's deep and it could be dark.
But also, I think the goodthing is that both of us have
been able to navigate theexperiences that we've been
through.
So, yeah, yeah, all right.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
You ready.

Speaker 1 (02:10):
I'm nervous.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
I know I'm like I just got hot.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Me too, I should not have put on a sweater.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
I was like, maybe this is like my comfort sweater,
but now I'm sweating.
Okay, well, we'll go ahead andget things off, kick things off.
Okay, well, we'll go ahead andget things off, kick things off.
So you know the loss of yourdad.
Can you take us back to the dayor the moment that it hit you,
that you know your dad was gone,not just physically and

(02:35):
emotionally, but permanently.
He was gone.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Dad passed away in 09 .
It was super sudden.
It was a ruptured aorta, soit's kind of as if the doctors
told us the London Bridgecollapsing and there's no real
way to fix that right away.
So it was a very, very suddenloss.
I happened to be in New York atthe time.

(03:02):
I was like living my dream life.
At the time, I was dancing forLeighton Meester, a good friend
of mine, a dear, dear friend,and she was doing pop music, and
so I was not even in LosAngeles at the time, I was in
New York when it happened.
So it definitely didn't feelreal then.
Even I couldn't really process,I think.

(03:22):
I just had emotions.
And then you just kind of feelempty and not until I got home,
which was, I think, maybe twodays after, I was able to hop on
a flight and go home andwalking into the house and just
not having him there Because hewas retired, so he was always

(03:42):
home.
You know, having him therebecause he was retired, so he
was always home, you couldalready feel there was just a
cold breeze that was going inthere and it was very weird.
And my mom is how she processedthings is she needs to get rid
of everything right away.
So she already had gone through, even like the next day, like

(04:03):
the closet to just kind of clearstuff out Cause for her it's
that's, I think, part of herhealing process.
Um, so, yeah, so just goinginto their bedroom and seeing
the closet kind of half emptywas weird, yeah, just strange.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
What was he?
I'm so sad I was never able tomeet the man who had a hand in
raising you because you'veturned out so incredible, I know
.
Thank you.
He's so proud of you.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
But what was he like?
He was so quiet, which is funny, because my mom jokes about my
boyfriend now Like he's justlike very quiet and I am the
loud one, obviously.
So it's funny because myboyfriend now does sort of
resemble my dad in some ways.
There's like an interestingparallel there.

(04:48):
But he was so kind and veryreserved, very easygoing.
He never really raised his voiceunless he was watching ESPN or
Bill O'Reilly, because that'swhat he watched on television.
He's like screaming at the newsor like screaming at sports or
something.
But other than that he wasalways the guy that was just

(05:11):
like sitting at the table withhis screwdriver in hand and just
absorbing or, I'm sorry, notabsorbing analyzing just what's
going on in the room.
Where it's funny because somepeople would always ask him are
you having a good time?
Like is he okay, and he alwayswas like yeah, no, I'm just here
Like listen to the conversation.

(05:32):
So, yeah, so he was just likefun too.
You know he did sports with us.
He took us bike riding, he wasa provider, he was just a really
kind and great person.

Speaker 2 (05:46):
Well, a lot of the traits you just mentioned are
opposite of you.
Like you said, quiet versusloud.
What do you think you did takeany part of him, like in your
personality or even?

Speaker 1 (05:57):
I definitely took his kindness and always wanting to
help.
You know, he adopted two of mycousins three of my cousins
actually on my mom's side, total, you know and those were not

(06:19):
his kids, they were not hisbloodline, but they knew that
this is what needed to be donein order to make sure that these
kids have a good life.
And that, to me, is verydifficult and very hard and I
think I took that from him.
Also, he would never yell at me.
He would always sit me down andsay what's going on, let's talk

(06:43):
about this, and I think I gotthat from him being able to
communicate because he reallywas so quiet, but in those
moments my mom would kind ofgive me silent treatment and I
would have to come to her and,you know, be like hey.
I'm sorry, Like let's talk, butmy dad would come to me.
Oh, that's great.
So I think that's where I doget my.

(07:04):
I try to see things from alldifferent sides and try to have
a conversation with somebody andyeah, it's a great thing to
have inherited.

Speaker 2 (07:12):
I hope that's what I took from him.

Speaker 1 (07:13):
I hope people feel that way about me.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
You are that way very much, because I do try to be
that person.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
So I think that's what he gave me and his love for
Halloween, because he wasobsessed with Halloween.
That was his favorite holiday.
He would always dress up and hewas just like he would be so
happy in his costume.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
He would have loved each other.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
That part too.
He would have loved each other.
Yes, oh well, you know, griefis.
It's a funny thing and everyonegrieves differently.
And then people on the otherside of grief who are trying to
comfort those grieving.
Sometimes they don't know whatto do.
And sometimes they do thingsthat can make it worse, make it
better.
Well, you know what are some.
You know things that you wishpeople had done or not done

(07:52):
while you were dealing with theloss of your dad.

Speaker 1 (07:53):
I think I had such a great troop around me and my
family that I don't really thinkanybody did anything that I was
upset about.
I will say this going to thefuneral, because I was coming
from New York, I did not havereally like things to wear for a

(08:14):
funeral.
I just kind of like grabbedwhat I had with me at the time
and like I'm not going to goshopping for the funeral, you
know what I mean.
There's way more importantthings to deal with.
So I had a little black dress.
I put like black tights within.
I remember I had these likepink and black, you know, little
heel, like Mary Jane shoes, andone of my sister's friends said

(08:35):
something about my outfit and Ialmost lost it on.
Her Like said somethingnegative, Like something
negative.
I don't necessarily rememberwhat it was, but she said
something about my outfit and Iwanted to be like bitch, are you
?

Speaker 2 (08:48):
seriously talking to me about my outfit right now,
and I'll never forget that Wasthis at the funeral.

Speaker 1 (08:51):
This was at the funeral.
She would have been quicklyexcused from the funeral.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'mjust like again.
I removed myself from thatsituation.
I did not say anything to her,I just kind of looked at her and
I remember.
Oh what kind of yeah, so thatnever talk about someone's
outfit at a funeral.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
That's the last thing we're talking about, unless
it's just like you lookbeautiful, right.

Speaker 1 (09:12):
Right?
No, it was not that I remember.
But thank you.
But I will say one of thethings.
My best friend was sleepingwith me.
For a couple of days, likeafterwards.
She stayed with me and sleptwith me at my room and I
remember this was maybe a weekor two after the fact.

(09:32):
She had told me that my dadcame into the dream of her dream
when she was asleep that nightof the funeral.

Speaker 2 (09:41):
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 (09:41):
And to tell me that he was okay.
And she was so scared to tellme because she didn't want to,
like, hurt my feelings.
She didn't know if I was thereyet to be able to process that
information, and so, for her,she kept that from me, for you
know, a little while, and I wishshe would have just told me but
, it's not.

(10:02):
That's nothing against her.
Of course you know she wastrying to protect me and she
didn't want to hurt my feelingsand again like trigger anything
because I was very very I mean,you know I was 19 at the time, I
was like very young, so yeah.
So I don't think like anything.
Anybody did anything wrong,necessarily.

(10:24):
And again, people go throughgrief differently.
so I don't think there's a rightway to tell somebody I'm sorry
for your loss yeah um, but yeah,I mean like there are things I
feel like that people can saythat should never be said in a

(10:45):
time of grief.

Speaker 2 (10:46):
Like commenting on someone's outfit.
That's still wild to me.
Yes, so you have your sisterand you guys are close.

Speaker 1 (10:51):
Very.

Speaker 2 (10:52):
And, like I said, you were young.
What's your sister?
Your age difference?
Nine years.
Okay, so she was quite a bitolder than you when it all
happened, but at the same time,like being a woman young woman
or you know a little bit olderlosing young woman or you know a
little bit older, losing afather that just really like
affects you, will throw yourentire life for a loop, because
having a father is so importantas a woman, like what even, like

(11:12):
you know, imagining like yourwedding day and stuff like that.
Like how is that kind of youknow, how have you processed
realizing that he won't be therefor some of these huge moments
in your life?

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, no, that has been the hardest part.
I remember the first thing mysister said to me was damn, he's
not going to be here for mywedding.
You know, just going throughthat process and realizing this
person is physically never goingto be able to touch you ever
again, to hold your hand, togive you a pat on the back, to

(11:44):
give you a hug, to give you akiss on the cheek, and that's
been really hard.
It's still till this day.
It's hard for me to go to awedding and see a
father-daughter dance, see thebride get to walk down the aisle
with her dad.
It's always going to be hard.
Obviously, I still love watchingit and it makes me so happy

(12:10):
just that they get to experiencethat.
But yeah, I mean I think it issomething where I decided that
like maybe a wedding wasn'treally that big of a deal to me
because he wasn't going to bethere, which I know that's not
the healthiest way to feel thatway, but I not the healthiest
way to feel that way.
But that's just the truth.
Not to say that I will neverget married I would, but I do

(12:31):
remember I had a very staletaste in my mouth about that
specific topic, or just likewhat, if I get pregnant one day,
he will never be there to beable to hold my baby or just
play with them or have go bikeriding or dress them up for
Halloween.
You know things like that.
So, um, yeah, it's, it doeschange your perspective on

(12:56):
certain big life events.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
When do you think you know how, how long I guess did
it take after he passed whereyou felt like you can kind of
catch your breath?
I mean, I imagine the firstpart of it, you probably were
grieving, crying every day.
You know how long did it takefor you to be like okay, you
know, I don't think that evergoes away, it just spreads out,

(13:21):
yeah so.

Speaker 1 (13:22):
So obviously the first I'd say year is I mean,
little things can triggeranything, right, but I do think
now it just it's a little bitmore space when I have those
moments.
But I still have those momentsFor his birthday.

(13:43):
His birthday is September 13th,but he passed September 11th.
Oh, wow.
So just having those big momentsso close together, I think has
always been really hard.
You know, it's like we'recelebrating his death and then
we're also trying to celebrate,you know, his, his, his life,
and it's a tricky situationbecause you have so many
emotions.

Speaker 2 (14:03):
How do you all handle that?

Speaker 1 (14:06):
we.
I always have a screwdriver ofvodka, vodka, orange juice for
him.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
I love that.
He was a screwdriver man.
Yes, he was a screwdriver man.

Speaker 1 (14:16):
So I always have a screwdriver for him and I either
have, you know, my best friendscome with me, or there's been a
couple years where I went homeand so I was with my family and
we would have like dinnertogether and just celebrate him,
singing him happy birthday.
But, yeah, I think also justallowing myself to cry because

(14:40):
it is sad.
You know, it's like I lost himat such a pivotal life in my I
mean a pivotal moment in my lifethat I could have used him.
I don't think I would have beenin certain relationships for
that long if he was around.
And I can't not blaming him,okay, dad, but like you know, I
thought you're a dad when aman's treating you poorly yes,

(15:01):
would have been that voice ofreason, like like a father would
, and so I can, which is crazybecause, like, my dad treated my
mom like a freaking queen, likehe made her oatmeal in the
morning and a piece of toast andwould bring it to bed like or
not, I'm sorry.
The oatmeal would be on themorning and a piece of toast and
would bring it to bed Like ornot, I'm sorry.
The oatmeal would be on thecounter with the piece of bread
and a little like you knowplastic bag and then she would,

(15:22):
he'd bring her coffee to herevery single morning and you
know just, he cooked for us, he,he did the dishes.
You know, like he he was just,he always wanted to to make
things easier for her, was just,he always wanted to to make
things easier for her.

(15:42):
So it is sad when I think backand I'm like, wow, these men
were making things so muchharder for me and I almost
forgot that.
Oh wait, no, this is not what Iwas raised with.
Like, this is, this is.
I didn't even have an example.
I'm like starting this example,my own trauma now, and it has
nothing to do with, like, evenwhere I came from.
Because, like, my parents weresuper easygoing.
They never really fought, theynever really like yelled at each

(16:04):
other.
Yeah, so it's just like it'sone of those things he probably
would have definitely, like, sethis foot down and talked to me
and said, hey, look, what'sgoing on.
Yeah, you know, like, and Ijust didn't have that.
So that is.
That's something that, like, Ido struggle with a lot thinking
about the past.

Speaker 2 (16:26):
Well, and you know, for who's watching you make all
of these, these choices, and Idon't think any would be
considered mistakes.
But, like you know, justlearning and lessons, and for
seeing you now with I mean, fromwhat I know about your current
boyfriend he seems to be more onpar with someone your dad would
probably approve of.
How do you think they would getalong?
Oh my gosh, I mean clearly,because your boyfriend is so
quiet.
If your dad's quiet, I imaginethem just sitting there watching

(16:47):
ESPN, just like huh, yeah, Seethat.
No, but see them watching ESPNtogether.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
they would get like probably riled up and they'd be
like yelling and clapping and Iknow Ozzy would take him to you
know the Niner game and put himon the field.

Speaker 2 (17:07):
And my dad would probably just be like elated
just to like elated, I'll gowith it.
Yeah, she was going to go withit.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
But I was like that doesn't sound right Elated, you
know it's like and I feel likethey would be able just to chill
with each other, though, too,and have a beer.
You know what I mean.
So I it sucks.
I wish that he could have methim and it is something that
Ozzy and I have in common,because he lost his dad.
a few years ago too, so I nevergot to meet his father either.

(17:35):
His dad a few years ago too, soI never got to meet his father
either.
So it is something we both talkabout and grieve together
sometimes, and I think we bothhave an understanding that the
waves come whenever they want.
I could be hiking and all of asudden I'm crying because I miss
him, but then I'm fine, I'll goget some coffee and I'm like
okay, cool, Thanks for lettingme shed those tears, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (17:58):
Well, you mentioned some traits that you took from
him earlier, like your kindnessand you're wanting to give and
talk to people and haveconversations.
What are some other parts ofhim that live on in you?

Speaker 1 (18:10):
Probably his short temper, do you have?
A short temper.
I don't with people and hedidn't with people, but he did
with, say, technology.
Oh okay, like my dad, when heuh retired, he loved to, which
is like so illegal but like heloves to burn DVDs.

(18:32):
Oh, I was a big DVD burner.
He would go toBlockbusterbuster, and if you
don't know what blockbuster is,then you're too young to be
watching this.
but he would go to blockbuster,get every single movie that he
loved or I loved and he wouldburn it on a cd for me and then
send it to la and because, likethat's what we watched, I love
that.
I had a whole deck of just likeblack DVDs and my roommates and

(18:57):
I we made little name tags sowe knew which DVD was which.
But yeah, he would go and getlike black cases and put them in
for us.
But he would get so frustratedsometimes if something didn't
work.

Speaker 2 (19:08):
He'd be like oh shit, like you know, like no, no, no.

Speaker 1 (19:11):
And I do that too, like I get frustrated if
something's not working or myliner isn't like matching.
I'm like what the fuck, I justwant to like throw the pen out.
I'm like breathe, you're likedad, yeah.
So I definitely took his shorttemper when it came to if
something's not like working out, but he didn't have a short
temper around people, which isvery interesting, because I
don't either you know.

(19:32):
So, yeah, yeah, I don't eitheryou know.
So yeah, yeah, his short temper.
I'm sorry, dad.

Speaker 2 (19:39):
That's understandable , though Understandable.
Listen, that was Bernie's disscould have been.
I did that in college and itwas always an issue.

Speaker 1 (19:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (19:45):
If there was one thing that you could say to him,
like right now, I'm sure you'dstill talk to him.
But there's something that youcould say to him now.
What would it be?

Speaker 1 (19:52):
Oh man, oh man, there's so many things, uh, that
rushed to my mind, um, but Iwould just I just would want to
hear him say I love you.
And I'd want to say I love you.
And then I just would want tohear him be like hey, babe,
because, like that's how hetalked he always had this like
southern swing, he's fromlouisiana, like baton rouge,
louisiana, you know.
So he would always just be likehey, babe, like how's it going,

(20:14):
you know?
And yeah, it's like I wish Ihad this voicemail that I wish I
could have kept for so longbecause it has his voice on it.
But I still, like I can replayit, you know.
But yeah, I just want to say Ilove you, that's all.
Just to hear those words, youknow, of course, but that's it,

(20:37):
that's it.
That's all I would love to hear.
Well, I'm sure he's saying itto you.

(21:00):
Every day I see a whitebutterfly.
I think of him and I know it'shim.
I was hiking the first weekendI got back from his funeral and
my friend and I were hiking andthis white butterfly was just
following us on Runyon the wholetime.
When we got to the very top,it's like the butterfly landed
on my shoe.
Like what butterflies do that?
Like butterflies don't do that.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
No, they don't.
I'm like you're the one chasingthem.
Butterflies, do that Likebutterflies don't do that.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
No, they don't.
I'm like you're not chasingthem.
Yeah, exactly.
So you know, I just anytime Isee nature, and I think that's
why I love being in nature somuch, because I just I feel, him
so, so deeply, and yeah, youknow so, they're always with us
and that is one thing I alwayswant to tell people about grief.

(21:35):
It's like let it out, cry it out, it's okay, and when you're
ready for them to come in andshow themselves to you, oh man,
it's such a beautiful experienceand it's so lovely and it's so
nice.
And, of course, it's kind ofscary because we're like wait,
but they're gone.
Well, they're not gone.
Gone, they're just in adifferent realm.
You know, they're just.

(21:56):
It's just a couple layersbetween us and them, you know,
um, so yeah, like once you'reready, if you've gone through a
loss like this, ask them to comein, because they, they will,
they're waiting, but they're,but they won't.
I don't think spirit guideswill come in unless you give
them the green light.

Speaker 2 (22:13):
They, yeah, they won't push their way in.
They don't want to scare us.

Speaker 1 (22:15):
They just when you're ready, they're ready and I
promise that yeah.

Speaker 2 (22:23):
Well, thank you for sharing.
Yeah, thanks for woo.
That means Let me fix my makeup.
Yeah, I'm like I haven't.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
I didn't know, I talk about him all the time and
never cry.
I don't know, maybe it's just a, maybe he's listening right now
.
Yeah, he's listening and he'slike, okay, you know, no, but
you know there's losses thatdon't involve death.
Yeah, but still feel likegrieving and you know how about?

(22:52):
Let's talk about what it feltlike when you lost your mom
because she went to prison.
I know that that must have beena huge, crazy moment in your
life.
I mean, how old were you andwhat did you feel in that moment

(23:12):
?
Did you even know what wasgoing on in that moment?

Speaker 2 (23:15):
Yeah, so I was like nine.
So years leading up to thatthere was a lot of like issues
in my life.
I lived with my biological momand my three siblings.
There was typically always adifferent man in and out of the
house because she was a serialdater.
I think she was just trying tofind a man to help provide
because she couldn't provide forall of us by herself.

(23:37):
So I can understand.
And, funny enough, when she hadme she had to go.
She was in and out of jail thentoo.
So she literally gave birth tome and had to hand me off to a
friend to take care of me untilshe got out of prison then.
So it's kind of always kind ofbeen like that.
But then she stayed out of jailpretty much until I was nine
years old.
And then, um, and I knew thingswere rough.

(23:57):
But I thought you know, we're afamily, we're always gonna make
it and get, you know, staytogether.
Never in my like my wildestdreams did I assume that we'd
all be separated.
And there was one day I wasplaying nintendo 64 with my
little sister for two yearsapart.
We're just in our bedroomplaying and my mom comes and
like just leans on the doorwayand just is looking at us, just

(24:18):
kind of looking at us, like thisweird look on her face, and uh,
she just stood there for awhile and I was like mom, what's
, what's going on?
And she just looks like, rightthere she goes y'all can't live
with me anymore.
And I was like okay, mom, likeback to playing video games.
She's like no, I'm serious,like you can't live with me
anymore.
And I was like I at that ageI'm like what is she talking?

(24:38):
Like what?
And then that's when I soonfound out we actually went to
the living room and she poppedin this vcr or this tape in the
vcr, and it was like this iswhere you're gonna live now and
it looked like a summer camp I'mlike, so I thought she was
telling us we're gonna go tosummer camp for a few weeks.
I wasn't even thinking like afoster.

Speaker 1 (24:53):
You had no idea.
I had no idea, it was happening.

Speaker 2 (25:02):
And then, yeah, literally like I don't know how
much longer it was after that,we I think that's when I went on
my first airplane we flew toAtlanta, georgia, me and my
little sister and my mom.
My two other siblings wereolder, so they didn't, they were
already aged out of foster careand I still I still, at this
point, flying to Atlanta, Istill wasn't completely sure
what was happening.
I didn't have a lot ofbelongings I feel like I had
trash bags full of stuff that Ihad like taken with me.
And, um, we get to mygrandmother's house, who lives

(25:23):
in Atlanta, and then the nextday we drive to this big
building and it was like thebiggest building I'd ever seen
and it was the head theChick-fil-A headquarters, funny
enough.
And I guess it was the head thechick-fil-a headquarters, funny
enough.
And I guess I had, like thislong lost step aunt who worked
for the founder chick-fil-atruett kathy at the time and
truett kathy, for those whodon't know, has like 12 foster

(25:43):
homes in the southeast ofamerica where he like hires
parents to be parents and thenplaces children who need homes.
So, anyway, met these strangepeople.
Still wasn't registering mewhat was about to happen.
I'm like we're just meetingthese people, whatever.
And then the time came for usto load up in the car with these
strangers I didn't, I didn'tknow their names and I'm like my
mom is just crying.

(26:03):
I'm like what's going on, mom,like what, what's happening?
I just remember I was holdingon to her.
She goes you have to go withthem.
You can't come back with me.
I'm like what are you talkingabout?
Like we're going back home,like what are you talking about?
She's like no, you have to gowith them.
And I remember I think theywere like peeling me and erica
like off, like just cryingbecause like we don't know
what's happening, like whatright?
this is the only person, ouronly parent and then we get put
into this van and it was like,literally I can still see it to

(26:24):
this day like the van andeverything, and like we're like
screaming, crying, crying, andlike our hands are on the
windows like screaming for ourmom and, as we just see her,
like it's smaller and smaller indistance and none of us had.
We still didn't know why.
Yeah, and so the only thing wethought at the time was like,
are we never going to see ourmom again?
And what did we do wrong?
Because we just weren't givenany explanation, and so it was

(26:45):
literally that quick to where weon, or when I was, I think I
just assumed, oh, mom's going tocome pick me up in a few days,
of course, just kept tellingmyself that every day.
And then the day I realized Iwas never, I wasn't going to see
her again was my foster parentshad pulled me and my little

(27:06):
sister into their room and like,hey, we have a letter for you.
And I'm like, oh my God, momwrote us.
Like she wrote us.
So why is she writing us andnot calling us?
But okay, and so like we readthe letter and I don't remember
what it said, but I was likeokay, well, she's going to come
back and get us and my fosterparents.
They started crying.
They're like you got to turnthe envelope over.
And I was like what?
So we turned the envelope overand there's a big prison stamp,

(27:27):
because that's what prisons dowhen they send out mail and
that's when get to see heranymore.
At that moment I was like itfelt like my heart was ripped
out.
Like what?
Like, how does?
A girl, a little nine-year-oldprocess this like I'm never
gonna see my I never thought Iwas saying goodbye to her and
I'm like I don't know how I'msaying goodbye to her.
So, yeah, that was.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
That is never something anine-year-old should go through.
How old was your sister?

Speaker 2 (27:56):
She was six, so you're trying to be the older
sister I was what like, evenlike growing up with my real mom
, like she was never, she wasnever there, she was working so
much or doing whatever.
So I was kind of helping raisemy little sister and I was
little like I would walk.
We had to walk to school everyday, a mile each way, so I would
walk her, get up, get her up,get her dressed, walk her a mile
.
The teachers knew that my momwas absent so her teachers would
come up to me to tell me herhomework assignments when I was

(28:19):
eight, nine years old.
I would cook her breakfast Likeshe was, like I took care of
her.
And so I became a mom at nine,and so me trying to explain to
her now, like we're not, we'renot, she's not coming back.
That was even worse.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
Cause I could like handle myself like I felt so
right up, but like seeing her.
Yeah.
How do you think the absence ofyour mom affected you
emotionally, like physically, or?

Speaker 2 (28:45):
even in weird ways that you didn't expect.
I mean, I feel like I stilldeal with issues like I still
deal with, like you know, thefeeling of like rejection.
Or I think I you never stopfeeling like, even though I know
my heart like it rejection.
Or because I think I you neverstop feeling like, even though I
know my heart like it wasn'tbecause she didn't want me right
, that feeling still never goesaway because I just I don't know
how to get it go.
It just it's true when yourparent doesn't keep you anymore,

(29:06):
for whatever reason.
You feel like this overwhelmingsense of just rejection.
And then, um, and then, evenwhen she got out of prison, like
four, three, four, five yearslater, we still couldn't go back
like it was, like I still nevergot my mom again.
And then, like the kids and um,school would like bully me.
And there was this one girl.
I'll never forget her.
She was such a bitch, I hopethe worst thing that happened to

(29:28):
her since then diarrhea forever.
She came up to me.
I was new and scared and likeshe came to me, goes hey, new,
when's the last time you've seenyour mama, you orphan?
My first thought was, likeyou're a fucking idiot.
Orphans mean my parents aredead.
She's not dead.

Speaker 1 (29:41):
Of course, I think I said something like that.
Of course, kayla came back witha quick response.
Learn your vocabulary words.

Speaker 2 (29:47):
Get a dictionary, you stupid idiot.
But it really freaking.
Freaking if it hurt me.
And then um, and then justgoing through like normal things
that girls go through, likelike being on your period for
the first time I mean like yourmom's supposed to be there for
that to help you how to navigatethat or like liking boys and
like you know weird things thatwould happen in the foster home
but like no one would understand.

(30:07):
But my mom and even like I, wasthe only kid of color, so my mom
had three white kids and thenme, a mix black, and then I
moved to a foster family whereeveryone was white, so no one
knew how to do my hair, but mymom had like learned over the
years how to kind of manage myhair.
So then I'm in this new fosterhome where, like this poor new
white lady has no idea what todo with my hair.
I'm going to school lookingcrazy every day and I'm getting

(30:27):
bullied and I'm crying and justlike I just felt so like
helpless because hopeless,because I didn't have my mom
there anymore, just to like holdmy hand and help me through
through those things oh okay.

Speaker 1 (30:36):
So did you ever let yourself grieve that?
Or were you not allowed to?
Because I know, you know it's a, you're in a foster home now
with other foster kids.
Right, it wasn't just you.

Speaker 2 (30:48):
Yeah, there was like another like eight kids there,
so a bunch of us.
I don't think you know it'sfunny, you just get thrown into
it so quickly and and it's likeI would definitely cry myself to
sleep and me and Erica shared aroom so we'd like cry together.
But it's like one of those likeunspoken things to this day

(31:12):
that like the foster kids don'treally do.
It's like you get rippedawayall should call us mom and
dad, because we need everyone inthe family to be calling us mom
and dad to have like a unit.

Speaker 1 (31:20):
You know, and I'm like and how did that make you
feel, harry?
I'm like what?
Did you call them mom and dad?

Speaker 2 (31:26):
Eventually I did.
I think I called because dadwas weird for me, because I've
never had a dad, I've nevercalled anybody dad in my life
and I was deathly afraid of menup to that point because before
that I was like you know everyman that came in my life was
abusive.
So and he's my foster dad, he'san amazing man.
We get along great, we have agreat relationship, but he's
like a six foot four massive,like just.
He is a big, scary man.

Speaker 1 (31:49):
Loud voice to a nine year old.

Speaker 2 (31:52):
So like it took me a little bit longer to like call
him dad and they were patient.
It wasn't like call me mom anddad right now.
Right, just like.
Hey, we'd like for you to maybecall us that.
And then, and then my fostermom.
I was way more resistant to her.
Like I remember, one time Isaid some mean stuff to her Like
I was so again, I was soagainst somebody else trying to
be my mom.
So my mom is coming back.

Speaker 1 (32:16):
Right, I was just so against.
Yeah, you're angry and your mom, like we said, was not dead.
She didn't pass away, she wasstill alive.
You knew she was on this earthand you're like I cannot wrap my
head around why I'm not withher.
Um, you know, it's like whathelped you get through that time

(32:38):
period, even if it was likemessy or imperfect, like how did
you survive?
Kind of having to sort of beokay with that being the outcome
.

Speaker 2 (32:50):
Um, I think, I think, I think when I had to actually
realize that she was nevercoming back I mean, it's
probably after she got out ofprison, because the first time I
actually got to see her so shegot out of prison and we got to
meet her in a public park and wewere like walking and she was
about to tell me this Like Iwon't get too deep into it, but
like that's actually when I sawlike a bloody immersing a bloody

(33:12):
tampon, like in this park.
And I was like a bloodyimmersing a bloody tampon, like
in this park, and I was like,instead of being grossed out, I
got sad because I was, like thathad my period, I just started
my period and she wasn't therefor that.
It was like one of thosemoments.
But it was this big moment shewas going to finally share with
me, like who my biologicalfather was, and I can go into
that different episode.
And then, sitting there, I'mlike thinking, hoping she's
going to say well, you can comeback, I can come back.

(33:34):
And it was like no, like I'mgoing to be finishing out my
childhood with this other family.
She can't take us back.
And so I think, once I acceptedthat because I think I always
knew that was going to be thecase I had onto this little hope
.
Once I accepted it, I think Iwas fully able to let myself be
a part of this other family.
And they were amazing and theylike loved me and took care of
us.
And yes, there's flaws in everyfamily, but I don't think there

(33:56):
could have been a betterturnout for a family for me to
get placed in in the situationand I think I finally just let
myself be one of one of them andthen immerse myself more in
like school and projects andhobbies and you know, I think
that just kind of Did you feellike a part of you, like
emotionally?

Speaker 1 (34:18):
have you ever felt like a part of you froze
emotionally back then and youjust kind of put walls?

Speaker 2 (34:25):
up.
I mean, yeah, I mean look at menow.
Like, even going through thisbreakup, I'm being such a
dismissive, avoidant and notbeing able to really open up.
Of avoidant and not being ableto really open up it's because I
think I always you know thethat time in my life where I
loved so hard and for it just tobe ripped away from me and then
told okay, now you have toadjust and reset and again be a

(34:49):
chameleon.
And then even in those fostercare situation where I was the
only black kid and then go intoall white school and constantly
having to like, not be, and thennot black enough, not white,
like, I think between that andfoster care I just I think I
froze into this constant area oflike defense and not letting
myself feel or love too hard,because it never worked out back
then and it always hurt, and sothat's something I'm working on
in therapy.
For sure.

(35:09):
It's because I can sense thatin my adult life now and I
almost feel sometimes likestunted.
I'm like I'm 34 years old.
There shouldn't be a reason whyI have so much trouble with
like love and letting peoplelearn at my age, but I think
it's because I'm still like thatlittle girl, like I'm very
stunted in that way.

Speaker 1 (35:24):
We're always going to have them right here, Like
we're always living to.
We're always living for thatlittle girl or that little boy
that's inside of us.
You know what I mean it's like.
But you, going to therapy, Imean I feel like you are having
breakthroughs and I'm so proudof you for being able to like,

(35:45):
open up, because I know thattherapy was like a huge like
no-no at first, big no-no.
Going to therapy, though do younow feel like you've you're able
to kind of process like closurewith this situation, or do you
still feel like it's thatversion is still stuck at a loss
?

Speaker 2 (36:05):
I mean, yeah, I think one of the first things that
being able to, or first steps to, being able to have closure, or
just accepting that there'ssomething that needs to be
closed, and I think that's whatI'm just like, or like I think
for so long I've just thoughtthat I was broken, or like there
was something broken inside ofme or something was wrong with
me, and it's like no, like youhave quite a few reasons to be
feeling this way, but we can, wecan make you not feel that way

(36:26):
or figure out like right, so,yeah, I think therapy in that
way has made me realize like itwasn't my fault you know that
I'm like this and um and that'sjust.
I think that's been the biggesthelp, yeah, and and.

Speaker 1 (36:38):
To know that now you are a 34-year-old woman and you
can go through therapy so thatwhenever you possibly have a
child, or one day you're takingcare of your generational trauma
before you can move on into adifferent part of your life,

(37:00):
right?
It's like it is a crazy thingto think about Everything that
happens as a kid.
It really does stick with you?

Speaker 2 (37:10):
It does, I know, and that's just what's crazy.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
Just to wrap your head around Like we're all just
kids, like it's funny when youlook at like a little kid and
adult and it's like that adultwas that little you know, it's
just like, yeah, like I look andI look at my, even our parents,
right, it's like they werelittle kids and then now they're
adults and then now they'relike older and it's almost like
we all get to a certain pointwhere we go back and we're like

(37:36):
kids again when we're older.

Speaker 2 (37:39):
I don't know it's like.
It's such an interesting.
It is the way that life kind ofworks.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
It's such an interesting, you know, it's like
I heard like a little sayingthat was like oh, we start in
diapers and we end in diapers,yeah, that's true.
It's crazy.
We've got to make the best outof this time in between.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:14):
And so Be nice to ourselves.
Exactly, exactly a deathexperience, with Ozzy Osbourne
dying, a musician that we don'tknow personally, but it still
feels like something that yougrieve and an experience but
other, like losing a childhoodhome, could be something that
people you know deal with.
I dealt with that a lot oftimes growing up?

Speaker 1 (38:30):
how many homes were you in, or was it just?

Speaker 2 (38:33):
one foster home.
But I was in like and growingup my mom.
We were homeless a lot so we'dbe sleeping on people's couches.
We'd get a get a house to rent,but then we'd be kicked out
because she wasn't paying rent.
I've seen cars repoed likethere was no consistency do you
remember that like?

Speaker 1 (38:48):
do you remember those moments?
I know you were super young,but I just wondering how
impressionable that was for you.

Speaker 2 (38:55):
oh, I remember five, six, seven, probably like
through these things.
After thought, probably like,my earliest memory is probably
like around like five or six,and a lot of times that's when
my mom had boyfriends because itwas like okay, they have a
house, we need somewhere to stay.
But there were a lot of timesme and Erica were sharing a
mattress on the floor in one ofthe rooms or like with their
kids, and then sleeping oncouches or air mattresses.

(39:17):
I mean, I was in a differentschool every year until the
foster home because it was aconstant.
So but the one of the craziestmoment I'll never forget my mom
getting her car repoed, thoughCause that was.
We slept in that car and thatwas just that was your home.
That was the only way she couldgo to work and like pay for us,
and I remember they came andrepoed it there.
The tow truck was in thedriveway and she was like

(39:39):
screaming.
I've never seen my mom screamand cry so much.
And I'm sitting there likehelpless, I don't know what to
do, but just knew that this wasa really bad situation, right.
So, but yeah, like that, likethat is a huge loss of like just
security, absolutely, but butyeah, lots of different, like
you know, people losingrelationships, losing your sense

(39:59):
of identity or security, whichyou've talked about.
Cutting ties, yeah, with people, friends, family.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
You know I have the two cousins that you know my
parents adopted.
We do not have contact withthem at all.
It is a very crazy thing thing,and I think it has shaped me to
be able to let go of peoplebecause I had to let go of two

(40:26):
people that I really didn'tthink were my brothers.
They moved in when I was five orsix years old, so I grew up
with them and we have zerocommunication and it was really
sad for a long time.
But then you realize peoplegrow and change and it doesn't
matter if you're blood relatedor not.
Yeah, it can happen to anyone,yeah, in any situation, you know

(40:49):
.
But yeah, that has been a losswhere I felt more anger for my
mom, because she did all this,because she loved her nephews
and she loved my brother I meanher brother, my uncle and I

(41:10):
can't imagine how she must havefelt when, like realizing, oh,
we're not having communicationanymore, you know, and you just
you do.
You have to cut it off.
There's only so many times youcould reach out to somebody and
and get that shut down until youjust don't do it anymore, so
yeah, lots of things.
I mean death of past versionsof yourself, right?

Speaker 2 (41:32):
It's like yeah, we talked about that too.

Speaker 1 (41:33):
So many there's.
We've lived so many differentlives and you grieve it.
You know that's what.

Speaker 2 (41:38):
I've been.
That's what my therapist toldme with our first session.
He's like you're grieving withme going through this transition
in my career.
My career has been.
I think it's also I've been solike big in my career because
that was when I was I think Iwas 10 when I realized what I
wanted to be when I grew up andI've been working at this since
you were 10.

(41:59):
I was doing like little showson camera with my friends and I
was doing the public speakingcompetitions and I said one day
I used to watch talk shows, oneday I'm going to be the next
Oprah Winfrey.
And then literally my lifedidn't stay on track all the way
up until last year when Idecided to quit my TV job and
that's why I'm having such ahard time.

Speaker 1 (42:23):
The loss of that person, yes, and it's, it's it's
just crazy how, like the like,death can just come in all
different forms, all differentforms and, and along with death
is always going to come grief,yes, and you have to release it.
You have to make those takethose moments and cry and, like
we said, punch a pillow, screamin the pillow.

Speaker 2 (42:36):
You just got the fact I just like tried on this show
I know, can we just go back tothat?

Speaker 1 (42:41):
I think I've been crying so much lately, which?

Speaker 2 (42:42):
I never cry.
I shocked myself.
I'm like what is happening?
I think lately I've beenreleasing so much grief, so now
it's like coming.
I talk about even with acting,because I'm like I have a hard
time crying on camera and it'slike because I don't have it in
me to cry.
And my therapist goes once youstart letting stuff cry in real
life, then you can like switchit on.
It's like, even in acting I tryto put on this like I'm not
crying.

(43:03):
I want to cry in that scene youknow, so it is funny like I now,
it just kind of comes out.

Speaker 1 (43:06):
Yeah, I just I clogged, clogged pores.
Yes, no, I'm telling you, I Ifeel this energy, this presence
of kayla, and I'm just like sheis really.
You're really doing the work,you're really doing the inner
work and it's, it's a reallybeautiful thing to to witness.

Speaker 2 (43:22):
I love, yeah, I love you crying sometimes um so what
are some of the biggest liesthat were?
You know there's a lot I hatelike people try to say, like we
said earlier, like some peoplejust do the wrong things or say
the wrong things don't mean to,but some I hate what some people
decide to say right after likesomeone passes, like time heals
all wounds bullshit it I meansure.

Speaker 1 (43:44):
I mean, I guess it heals a little bit it can help.

Speaker 2 (43:47):
It doesn't ever heal it's never.

Speaker 1 (43:49):
It's like I said I it is what my 2009 I don't know
math, how many years ago wasthat?
I still hello.
I'm talking about it right nowwith you guys and I still cry
about it in in certain momentsor times.
But there are times where Italk about my dad and I don't
cry.
I laugh, we make jokes and allthe things, but, um, the wound
is still there it's still there.

(44:09):
It's never gonna go away.
So, yeah, no, stop tellingpeople that, stop it.
Or um one that like, oh the, atleast they lived a long life.
Not long enough, like becauseif they're older my dad, you
know, he was in his 50s, Ibelieve, when he passed, or

(44:29):
maybe 60s.
Oh my gosh.
So that does not comfort you atall, but that is not comforting
Like I, like I just I yeah, it'slike I had a friend who passed
away at 25 and it's like shedidn't get to live a long life,
but so does that make his deathless important?

Speaker 2 (44:45):
than her death, because it doesn't that doesn't
make sense to me.

Speaker 1 (44:49):
Um, or like, yeah, you should be over it by now.
You know, it's been, I think,13 years for me since my dad has
passed and, and, and it's beenwhat.
You were nine and now you're 34.
So you should be over it by now, and what?
No, I'm never going to be overit.
I mean, I work through it.
I've been able to process thoseemotions and regulate them

(45:12):
better, but I'm never going tobe over the loss of my dad.

Speaker 2 (45:15):
No, They'd want you to be strong.
They'd want you to be strong.
Yeah, stay strong.

Speaker 1 (45:18):
They'd want you to be strong.
Yeah, stay strong.
No.

Speaker 2 (45:23):
When I die, I hope everyone who loved me is bawling
their eyes out.

Speaker 1 (45:26):
I don't want anyone to be strong.

Speaker 2 (45:28):
Okay, I want to see you mourn.
Okay, I want you like thrashingon the carpet because you miss
me so much.
Don't be strong.
If I see a big strong, I'm likethey didn't even love me.

Speaker 1 (45:40):
Yes, no, exactly.
And I'm like also some otherthings that you can say is like
hey, I know you're going througha rough time.
If you need somebody to sitwith you and just sit and watch
trash TV and not talk, I can dothat for you.
Or hey, if you're not eating,because I know I wasn't eating
when my dad passed hey, ifyou're not eating, hey, I'm

(46:03):
sending you.

Speaker 2 (46:03):
Well, there wasn't Postmates back then, but now you
can just say hey, I'm sendingyou a.

Speaker 1 (46:07):
Postmates, please have a meal.

Speaker 2 (46:10):
You know, there's other ways to say it when you
write a booklet of like what tosay and what to not say to the
family when you go to a funeral,because people always say like
I mean, I know it's hard, it'shard, I know.
People say that you should juststudy it before you go and just
rehearse in the mirror Becauseit's uncomfortable, right, it's
super uncomfortable and it'sinteresting because I've dealt
with a lot of death.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
Even growing up I had my abuelita.
My grandmother passed away.
I had a friend's mom who passedaway in the fourth grade and
she was a police officer.
So we had the bagpipes andeverything and you're in fourth
grade like whoa, like this isyou know, how are we?
supposed to like handle this?
Um, so it's just, it is one ofthose things like for me, like I
said, I've it's not that deathis like necessarily a scary

(46:54):
thing, it's just it is a sadthing.
It's always going to be sad Anyanything.
And, like we said, loss is lossand loss is sad.
It's always gonna be sad anyanything.
And like we said, loss is lossand loss is sad.
It's just, it's uh.
But yeah, never go to a funeraland say anything about
someone's outfit especially thegrieving daughter jeez, that's
it.
That person just needs a littleslap on the wrist you know and

(47:15):
it was like me walking into theI will never forget walking into
the funeral home that day, notbeing able to walk to the casket
because we had an open casket.
And so my mom and my sister arestanding there holding me,
literally dragging me up thereto go see him, and after I have
this moment with him and I'mable to finally stand up there

(47:37):
and they're able to like leaveme alone with him and I was able
like to have these like lastmoments with him.
You come up to me and talk tome about my outfit, like I
wanted to strangle this person.
Till this day I still look ather and like she's not in our
life.
But like social media you knowFacebook people pop up and I'm
always like I hate her.

Speaker 2 (47:59):
I wonder if she was like trying to figure out what
to say and then like that's whatcame out.
She thought humor was going tobe funny and it's like.

Speaker 1 (48:06):
no, bro, Like back up .
Just give me a hug and say I'msorry for your loss.

Speaker 2 (48:11):
I'm here.
Whatever you need, just say I'msorry for your loss.
That's the safest.

Speaker 1 (48:16):
Safest thing you could say to somebody is I am
sorry for your loss, please.
Let safest thing you could sayto somebody is I am sorry for
your loss, please let me know ifyou need anything.

Speaker 2 (48:23):
I'm here.
Um, how has, how do you thinkgrief has changed the way you
view like time, relationshipsand even like goals, like now?

Speaker 1 (48:32):
it definitely makes me understand that time is
extremely precious and to nothold grudges.
Yeah, I, I, I.
Just there's not enough time inthe world to hold grudges Like,
yes, people, people move on,people you know, friendships

(48:53):
come and go and things like that.
But, um, even just taking eachday as such a blessing and it's
hard because I have anxiety I'vebeen in depressive states
before where I don't feel likethat day is a blessing.
But when I look back on it, Ialways remind myself that you're

(49:15):
alive, your brain works, you'rephysically pretty healthy and
you have an amazing family andgreat people around you.
So let's go and make thosetrips to go see your family.
You know, like call your89-year-old aunt or your

(49:37):
75-year-old uncle just to say,hey, what's going on?
Like, oh, did you hear aboutthis in the news?
And like, pretend, like make upa conversation, just give them.
Because I do think some people,especially like our elders,
they feel invisible.
I remember my grandpa alwayssaid like oh, it's so sad
getting older because you becomeinvisible.
So I feel like I never wantthat for anybody in my life.

(50:00):
I want them to feel seen.
Um, if they want to feel seen,you know what I mean.
Oh, when I'm old, leave mealone um, leave me alone.

Speaker 2 (50:07):
Now we're gonna be on the back porch.
But we tell like, like, um, um,like, forgiveness is is
important, and I've I strucklike I was still very angry with
my biological mother up untillike kind of recently, where I
just didn't want to talk to herbecause I still felt like the
older I got, just the more Irealized things that I thought
could have been preventable.
I think it was around the timeI got to her age where I was

(50:28):
like, oh, like, if I was in hershoes because she had me when
she was 33, I'm like man, likethe stuff that she was going
through at that time.
If I have gone through that atthis age, I don't know how I
would have handled it.
So I let myself start forgivingher because, like, who knows
what could happen, like whoknows you know how much longer

(50:52):
I'm gonna have with her?
She had lung cancer back in theday, so like I don't know what
her health is and I would bedevastated if she passed.
And I still held on to all thisanger.
And holding on to the angerisn't doing anything to me
either, right, and then I'mmissing out on this potential
relationship with my biologicalmother, absolutely, and the same
thing with my grandmother.
I had issues with her for a fewyears, didn't speak to her and
I'm like she's getting older, Iknow how much she loves me and
just wants to be in my life.
So I had to like in the lastfew years, just let go, just

(51:14):
like realize I'm never gonna getthe apology that I want, never
going to get probably theexplanation that I want.
I probably not even get thetruth about certain things.
But if I have any interests andletting go, relinquishing that
anger and then letting, alsohelping them not feel like I'm
angry at them because I knowit's been killing them too, it's
just like just letting it go.

(51:35):
Like you said, life is short,it's precious, we don't have a
lot of time and is is holding onto something worth them leaving
this earth forever.
You're never getting to like,yeah, have a relationship or
talk about it.

Speaker 1 (51:46):
Yeah, I mean there's, there's things that I wish I
could have told my dad and justbeen honest with him about.
But I can't do that, like youknow, face to face.
So I have changed that part,that part about me with my
family.
That's why I'm so opensometimes too open with my
family.
They're like, vanessa, wedidn't need you to know that,

(52:06):
but I'm like, yes, you did.
I needed you to know this andso, yeah, it's just being honest
with them, and even if thathonesty is hard, yeah, work on
that.

Speaker 2 (52:20):
You know Well, instead of the honey jar, we're
actually just going to ask apre-prompted question.
We can pretend it's a honey jarquestion but just wanted to
keep things in the same theme,so it's funny, I have this thing
for my first-time friends,which will be when I'm 40.
Duh, oops, the mic is sorry.
One second guys, the mic issorry one second guys.
Um, I, I want to have a fauxfuneral and I want to throw a

(52:41):
funeral for myself and I'm gonnabe laying in a casket and I
want all my friends to come upand say something really nice
about me in the casket.
So this is if you're, if myfriend, you're listening, listen
to this part.
So what's something you hopepeople say about you someday
when you're gone?
This is a cheat sheet for allof you.

Speaker 1 (52:56):
Um, I know what I'm gonna say to you.
Wait, I know what I'm going tosay to you.
Wait, I know what I'm going tosay to you.
Do you want to tell?

Speaker 2 (53:02):
me now.
Do you want to wait untilyou're standing over my casket
in six years?
I'll forget.

Speaker 1 (53:07):
You'll forget, you'll forget.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
No, you're never going to forget, never going to
forget.

Speaker 1 (53:10):
I'm going to look at her and be like we're going to
take three cleansing breathstogether.
Literally she would, and I'mgoing to hold her with her hand
and she is just going to be ableto take them with me because
her eyes will be closed.

Speaker 2 (53:26):
No, I'm going to be dead.
I'm a method actor.
I'm not breathing, all right.
What do you hope people sayabout you someday when you're
gone?

Speaker 1 (53:37):
I hope that they say I brought a lot of light to
their life laughter, honesty, aneasygoing friendship
relationship.
Yeah, I just I think that'swhat I try to do is like when I

(54:00):
walk into a room, if the roomfeels a little weird or off, I
try to pick it up a little.
I'm always the one that's goingto say, hey, does everyone want
to take a shot?
I will be the first one tobreak the ice, so I hope that's
what people remember me for istrying to always.
I don't know.
I try to do the right thingalways and listen to every side

(54:24):
of the story because there's,you know, 20 different sides to
every story, so I don't knowwhere that twang just came in.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
I guess I don't know either, because we're talking
about my dad from Baton Rouge, Iguess.
No, I think those are all goodthings to hope, to let people
say yeah, I guess.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
Yeah, that's what I would want.
So say those about me.
Okay, everyone say those abouther, don't forget, or she'll
haunt you in a form of a boo-boo.
Oh, and it's gonna be a laboo-boo, honey what about you?

Speaker 2 (54:49):
um, I think I just really try I hope people just
say I was kind, like.
I think I just try really hardto be like just kind to people
and um, just try to makeeveryone just feel like seen and
understood.
I think for so much of my lifeI wasn't seen and understood or
like accepted.
So I think I just like I try tomake anyone in a room just feel
like they're part of it andthen they're accepted.

(55:10):
Um, I don't know, I think thatto me would be like the legacy
I'd want to leave.
Yeah, so and then I was reallyfunny and that my ass looked
really good in my jeans.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
Ooh, yeah, we can't forget about our ass.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
You know what?
Barely bottoms up?

Speaker 1 (55:25):
Yeah, no, not bottoms up, just like to the side.

Speaker 2 (55:28):
I want an open casket .
It's like this.
I want like shape Propos.
Give me shape, give mecurvature and the grain and make
sure my makeup's done and myhair is done, and I don't mean
some like no, no, no, no.
I need, like top makeup artiststo come in there and beat my
face to the gods.
Yes, I'm literally being sentto the gods.
Yes, no, literally I'm notwalking through those pearly
gates looking like no, honey,and if you could just make it.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
So I'm like with like my pretty smile, just like
stuck, like that.
I walk a little like.

Speaker 2 (56:01):
A little.
How creepy would that be?
Just like this, just like awink?
Oh my god, I'd be like tryingto put your eye down and wax my
nose hairs because they get alittle long sometimes.

Speaker 1 (56:08):
So, yeah, make sure I don't have a mustache.
Yeah, give us a full wax down.
We need a whole like yeah wejust I just we need to look fly,
yes, okay please, please,please and also it's like play
good music, like I don't needthis, like solemn, sad shit.
Like my dad, we played Santana.
People were so weirded out bythe music we played.
We were playing.
Santana just live.

(56:29):
He loved Cuban, cubano likemusic, so we would like always
have we had that going.
People were so weirded out.

Speaker 2 (56:37):
Yeah, it's like it should be a celebration at the
end of the day, like we're therecelebrating life you know,
please again, but please cry,because if you don't cry, I'll
think you didn't love me right,just bring no brain a little
like eye drops.
What do you got to do?
Just so?
Because, yeah, I will haunt you.

Speaker 1 (56:53):
I go first and you do not cry at my funeral okay that
is all I'm saying.
Okay, this is a p, a PSA.
I promise, I promise I'll cry.

Speaker 2 (57:01):
All right, guys, a little sign-off message.
We all know grief isn't justabout death.
It's about just change, lettinggo of the version of your life
you thought you'd have.
But it also reminds us how muchwe can love, how deeply we can
feel, and how strong we are whenwe think we are broken.

Speaker 1 (57:30):
So if you're anything right now, a person a place or
even a version of yourself.

Speaker 2 (57:33):
this one's for you.
We see you we got you.

Speaker 1 (57:33):
How do you feel after that episode?
I feel open.
Yeah, I feel like we justshared a lot we did.
I still feel like veryemotional.
I don't know, I, I'm just, I'mjust proud of us, I'm just proud
of us Okay, um, I think thatthis is really hard to talk
about, and uh, but when we talkabout it, we get to feel a
little more grounded in it andand that's so freeing.
So, just free, I feel free.

Speaker 2 (57:56):
And.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
I think that's like our word for the episode just
feeling free and, yeah, like getwith people that you feel
comfortable.
I mean, like the first time wetalked it was we just like it
was like word vomit.
We just opened up and we werelike, oh wow, we really just
opened up, like about our pastand everything.
So, yeah, you know, justremember, always find those two

(58:20):
people that are going to makethose ingredients the best in
the tea.
And I'm lucky enough that Ifound the other ingredient to my
perfectly tasting tea, which isKayla Becker.
Vanessa, that was a beautifulsign off.
I love you too.
Okay, we're going to go now.

Speaker 2 (58:39):
We're going to go, because I actually need to like
fall for a second.

Speaker 1 (58:40):
We love you too, Okay we're going to go now.
We're going to go because Iactually need to like fall for a
second.
We love you guys, thanks forwatching.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time, maybeless tears.
Yeah, bye guys, bye I love you.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
I love you too.
Bye.