October 26, 2025 • 24 mins
A surreal sci-fi series exploring speculative concepts, dreams, and philosophical what-ifs. Each episode is a cerebral journey into the mind’s deepest questions. Explore a world of immersive, ad-free audio experiences from nature sounds to timeless stories at https://www.adfreesounds.com
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Speaker 1 (00:38):
Mind Welcome to a half hour of mind wag short stories.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
From the world.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Suspect it was.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
The mind Web story this time comes from the book
The Hugo Winters, Volume.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
One, edited by Isaac Asima.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
This is Alfram Davidson's or All the Seas with Oysters.
When the man came into the Ethnol bike shop, Oscar
greeted him with a hearty high there. And then as
he looked closer at the middle aged visitor with the
eyeglasses and business suit, his fear head creased and he
began to snap his thick fingers. I say, I know you, mister.
(01:41):
Name's on the tip of my tongue. Kind of Oscar
was a barrel chested fellow. He had orange hair.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Well, I assure you do.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
The man said. There was a lion's emblem in his lapel.
Remember you saw me a girl's bicycle with gears.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
For my daughter. When we got to talking about that
red front.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Racing bike your partner was working on, Oscar slapped his
big hand down on the cash registry. He raised his
head and rolled his eyes up mister Watney. Mister Watney beamed, ah,
sure gee, how could I forget? And we went across
the street afterward and had a couple of beers. Right, well,
you've been mister Watney. I guess the bike. It was
an English model, wasn't it. It must have worked out, okay, huh,
(02:22):
must have given satisfactionary he would have been back right,
mister Watney said the bicycle was fine, just fine. Then
he said, understand there's been a change though. You're all
by yourself now, your partner. Oscar looked down, pushed his
lower lip out and nodded, yeah, I heard huh, yep,
I'm all by myself now over three months now. The
(02:46):
partnership had come to an end three months ago, but
it had been faltering long before then. Third liked books,
long playing records, and high level conversation. Oscar like beer, bowling,
and women, any women. Anytime the shop was located near
the park, it did a big trade in renting bicycles
a the picnickers. If a woman was barely old enough
(03:08):
to be called a woman and not quite old enough
to be called an old woman, or if she was
anywhere in between, and if she was alone, Oscar would ask,
h how does that machine feel?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
The all? Right?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Why?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I guess I'll and taking another bicycle. Oscar would say, well,
I'll just ride along a little bit with you to
make sure you right back Ford, and Ford always nodded gloomily.
He knew that Oscar would not.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Be like back. Later Oscar would say, I hope you
made out in the shop as good as I did
in the park, leaving near alone all the time.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Grumbled Ford, and Oscar usually flared up. Okay, then next
time you go and I'll stay here, see if i'd
begrudge you a little fun. But he knew, of course
that Ferd tall thinn popey'd Ford would never go do
you a good slapping his sternham put hair on your chest?
(04:03):
Fred muttered that he had all the hair on his
chest that he needed, and he glanced down covertly at
his lower arms. They were thick with long black hair.
Those upper arms were slick and white. Who was already
like that when he was in high school? And some
of the others would laugh at him, call him Ferdy
the birdie. They knew it bothered him, but they did
it anyway. How is it possible, he wondered. Then he
still didn't now for people deliberately to hurt someone else
(04:25):
who hadn't hurt them.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
How is it possible?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
He worried over other things all the time, the communists,
and he shook.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
His head over the newspaper.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Oscar offered advice about the communists and two short words,
or it might be capital punishment. Oh, what a terrible thing.
If an innocent man was to be executed, Ford at moan.
Oscar would say, that's the guy's tough luck. Hand me
the tire iron, Oscar said. And Ford worried even about
(04:59):
other people's miner concerns, Like the time the couple came
in with the tandem and the baby basket on it.
Free air was already cooked. Then the woman decided to
change the diaper in one of the safety pins book.
Why are there never any safety pins, the woman fretted,
rummaging here and rummaging there. There are never any safety pins.
Ferd made sympathetic noises. Want to see if he had any,
(05:20):
would though he was sure there had been some of
the office, he couldn't find them, so.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
They drove off at one side of the diaper tied
and the clums h knot.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
At lunch, Fird said it was too bad about the
safety pins. Oscar dug his teeth into the sandwich tug
Tor chewed and swallowed. Ferd liked to experiment with sandwich breads.
The one he liked most was Queen cheese olive Sanchovian
avocado mashed up with a little mayonnaise. Oscar always had
the same pink.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Lunch and meat.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
It must be difficult with a baby, Ferd nibbled, not
just traveling but raising it. Oscar stores in every block.
And if he can't read again, at least recognize.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Him drug store. Oh to buy safety Pinjamin Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Oscar on Captor's beer, rinsed the first mufful around. Always
plenty of clothes hangers, though, throw them out every month.
Next month, same closets, full of them again. Now what
you gonna do in your spare time?
Speaker 3 (06:16):
And what do you want?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
You want to invent a device which will make safety
pins out of clothes hangers? Ferd nodded, abstracting, But in
my spare time, I'm working on the French Racer. It
was a beautiful machine, light, low slungs, with red shining.
You felt like a bird when you wrote it. But
good as it was, Ferd knew he could make it better.
(06:37):
He showed it to everybody who came into place till
his interests slackened. Nature was his latest hobby. You were
rather reading about nature. Some kids had wandered buy from
the park one day with tin cans in which they
had put salamanders and toads, and they probably showed.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Them the ferd.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
After that, the work in the Red Racer slowed down,
and he spent his spare time on natural history books. Mimicry,
Ford said Oscar one day, A wonderful thing. Mimically. Oscar
looked up interestedly from the bowling scores in the paper.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I seen Edy Adams on TV the other night, Toelean
her imitation of Merlyn Monroe.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Boy, oh boy. Furud was irritated, shook his head.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Not that kind of mimicry. I mean how insects and
the rachnids will mimic the shapes of leaves and twigs
and so on to escape being eaten by birds and
other insects in the racknids. A scowl of disbelief passed
over Oscar's face.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
You mean you mean they changed? Oh are you giving me? Oh?
It's true.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Sometimes the mimicry is for aggressive purposes, though, like a
South African turtle. It looks like a rock, and so
the fish swim up to it, and then it catches him.
Or that spider in Sumatra, when it lies on its back,
it looks like a bird dropping catches butterflies that way,
Oscar laughed, a disgusted and incredulous noise. It died away
(07:55):
as he turned back to the bowling scores. One hand
go uped at his pocket, came away, scratched absently at
the orange thicket under the shirt, and then went patting
his hip pocket. Where's that pencil? He muttered, and got up,
stopped into the office, pulled open drawers.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
His loud cry hey brought Ferd into the tiny room.
What's a matter?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Oscar pointed to a drawer. Remember the time he claim
there were no safety pins here? Look o damn drawers.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Full of them.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Ferd stared, scratched his head, and said feebly that he
was certainly he'd looked there before. A controlto voice from
outside asked anybody here. Oscar at once forgot the desk
in its contents, and called, be right with you.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
It was gone. Ferd followed him slowly. There was a
young woman in.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The shop, a rather massively built the young woman with
muscular calves and the deep chests. She was pointing out
the seat of her bicycle to Oscar, who was saying,
and looking more at her than anything else. It's just
a little too far forward, as you can see wrenches,
all right, I need forget my tools, Oscar.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Repeated automatically, and then snapped too.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Fix it in the jiffy, he said, And despite her
insistence that she could do it herself, he did fix it,
though not quite in the jiffy. He refused money, and
he prolonged the conversation as long as he could. Well,
thank you, the young woman said, And now I've got
to go the machine. I feel all right to you
(09:27):
now perfectly.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Tell you what I'll just write along with you. That
just pear shaped notes of laughter lifted the young woman's boosom. Oh,
you couldn't keep up with me. My machine's a racer.
The moment he saw Oscar's eyes flip to the corner,
Ferd knew what he had in mind. He stepped forward.
His cry no was drowned out by his partner's loud Well,
(09:52):
I guess this racer here can keep up with yours.
The young woman giggled richly and said, well, let's see
about that.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
They were off.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Oscar, ignoring Ferd's outstretched hand, jumped on the French bike
and was gone. Frid stood in the doorway, watching the
two figures, hunched over their handle bars, vanished down the
road into the park. He went slowly back inside. It
was almost evening before Oscar returned, sweaty but smiling, smiling broadly.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Eh, what a babe, he cried.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
He wagged his head, he whistled, he made gesture, his
noises like escaping steam. Boy, oh boy, what an afternoon.
Give me the bike, demanded Ferd. Oscar said yeah, sure,
and turned it over to him and went to wash.
Ferd looked at the machine. The red enamel was covered
with dust. There was mud splattered and dirtin bits of
dried grass. Seemed soiled, degraded. It felt like a swift bird.
(10:46):
When he rode it, Oscar came out, wet and beaming.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
He gave a.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Cry of dismay and ran over. Stand away, said Ferd.
Gesturing with a knife. He slashed the tires of the seat,
the seat.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Cover again and again.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Hey you crazy, Oscar yelled, you out of your mind,
for Ferd. No, don't Ferd cut the spokes, bent them,
twisted them. He took the heaviest hammer and pounded the
frame into shapelessness, and then he kept on pounding. Who
his breath was gasping. Ye're not only crazy, you're rotten jealous, Ferd.
(11:20):
You can go to hell.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
He stopped away.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Ferd, feeling sick and stiff, locked up, went slowly home.
He had no taste for reading, turned out the light
and fell into bed, where he lay awake four hours,
whistening to the rustling noises of the night and thinking
how twisted thoughts. They didn't speak to each other for
days after that, except for the necessities of the work.
The wreckage of the French race early behind the shop
(11:47):
for about two weeks, neither he wanted to go out
back or he'd have to see it. One morning, Ferd
arrived to be greeted by his partner, who began to
shake his head in astonishment even before he started speaking,
How did you do it?
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Did you do it? For geez? What a beautiful job
I got handed to you? Man?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
No more hard feelings, how Ferd? Ferd took his hand, Sure, sure,
but what are you talking? About Oscar let him out
back there was the red racer, all in one piece,
lot of marker scratch on it. It's an amal bright
as every ferd gaped. He squatted down and examined it.
(12:29):
It was his machine, every change, every improvement he had made,
all there. He straightened up slowly. Regeneration. Huh what'd you say?
Oscar asked? Then, hey man, you're all white.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
What'd you do?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Stamp all night and didn't get to sleep? Come on
and sit down. But hey, I still don't see how
you did it. Inside Ford sat down.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
He went his lips.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
He said, Oscar, listen, yeah, yeah, Oscar, you know what
regeneration is.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
No, listen.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Some kinds of lizards you grab them by the tail.
The tail breaks off and they grow.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
A new one.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
If a lobster loses a claw, it regenerates another one.
Some kinds of worms and hydros and starfish you cut
'em into pieces. Each piece will grow back the missing parts.
Salamanders can regenerate lost hands, Frogs can grow legs back. Uh,
no kidding for it, but I mean, uh, nature very interesting.
But to get back to the bike, now, how did
(13:32):
you manage to fix it so good? I never touched it,
Oscar regenerated like a newt or a lobster. Oscar considered this.
He lowered his head, looked up at furred from under
his eyebrows.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Oh well, now.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
For look, Uh, how come all.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Uh, broken bikes don't do that. Oh this isn't an
ordinary bike. I mean, it isn't a real bike. Catching
Oscar's look, he said, well, it's true. That changed Oscar's
attitude from baffleman to infiduity. He got up. So for
(14:13):
the sake of argument, let's say all that stuff you
know about the bugs and heels or whatever the hell
you're talking about, is true. But Ford, they're alive. A
bike isn't. He looked down triumphantly. Frid shook his leg
from side to side and looked at it. A crystal
isn't either, Oscar. But a broken crystal can regenerate itself
if the conditions are right. Go see if the safety
(14:35):
pins are still in the desk, please, Oscar. He listened
as Oscar muttering and pulled the desk doors, rummaged in them,
slammed them shut, cramped the back.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Nah, all gone like.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
That, lady said the time, and you said, there never
are any safety pins When you want them, they disappear.
Fred why Ferd jerked open the closet door and jumped
back as a shoal of clothes.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Hangers clattered on And like you say, Ford said, with
a twist of his mouth.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
On the other hand, there are always plenty of clothes hangers, Oscar.
There weren't any here before.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Oscar shrugged. I don't see what you're getting at.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
But anybody could have got in here and uh took
the pins and left the hangers.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
I could have. I didn't, or you could have.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Maybe maybe you walk in your sleep for it and
done it. You better see a doctor. Jesus, you look rotten.
Fred went back and sat down, put his head in
his hands. I feel rotten. I'm scared, Oscar.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I'm scared of what I'll tell you.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Like I explained before about how things, remember that live
in the wild places that mimic other things there twigs, leaves,
toads that looked like rocks. Well, well, I suppose there
are things that live in people places, cities, houses. These
things could imitate, well imitate other kinds of things you
find in people places, people places for Christ's Day. Now,
(16:14):
maybe they're a different kinds of life for them, Oscar.
Maybe they get their nourishment out of the elements in
the air. You know what safety pins are, and these
are other kinds of them, Oscar. The safety pins are
the pupa forms, and then like they hatch into the
larval forms, which look just like coat hangers. They feel
(16:34):
like them even but they're not, Oscar, They're not, not
really not. They begin to cry into his hands. Oscar
looked at it, and he shook his head. After a minute,
Ford controlled himself somewhat. He snuffled all these bicycles that
cops find and they hold them waiting for owners to
show up, and then we buy them at the sale
because no owners show up because there aren't any. And
(16:57):
the same with the ones. The kids are always trying
to sell it sent and they say they just found them,
and they really did, because they were never made in
the factory. They they grew, They grow, You smash 'em
and throw them away. They regenerate. Oscar turned to someone
who wasn't there and wiped his head. Oooh, boy, Ford,
(17:22):
for give me. One day there's a safety pin, and
the next day instead there's a code hanger. Ford said,
one day there's a cocoon. The next day there's a mark.
One day there's an egg, the next day there's a chicken.
But with these it doesn't happen in the open daytime
where you can see it. But at night, Oscar. At
(17:44):
night you can hear it happening, all the little noises
in the nighttime. Oscar, Then uh o'ur come we in up.
There are belly buttons and bikes for if I had
a bike for every code hanger. But Ford had considered
that too. If every codfish egg, he explained, or every
oyster spond grew to maturity, a man could walk across
(18:07):
the ocean on the backs of all the codfish or oysters,
they'd be so many died, so many were eaten by
predatory creatures that nature had to produce a maximum in
order to allow a minimum to arrive at maturity.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
An Oscar's question was, then.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Who uh eats the uh coat hangings? Bird's eyes focused
through wall, buildings, park and more buildings to the horizon.
You gotta get the picture. I'm not talking about real
pins or hangers. I got a name for for the
other's false friends. I call 'em Oscar.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
In high school, French.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
We had to watch out for French words that had
looked like English words but really were different.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It wasn't me.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
They call false friends, pseudo pins, pseudo hangers. Who eats them? Oscar,
I don't know for sure, pseudo vacuum cleaners. Maybe Oscar
with a loud groans, lapped his hands against his thighs.
Fird third got you know what's the trouble with you?
(19:16):
You talk about oysters, but you forgot what they're good for.
You forgot these two kinds of people in the world.
Close up those books, those books and those French books.
Get out, mingle, meet people. Soak up some brue. You
know what for the next time Norma that's a woman's
name with a racing bike. The next time she comes
in here, you take the red Racer and you go
(19:39):
out in the woods with her. I won't mind, and
I don't think she will either, Not too much. But
Ford said no, he didn't want to touch the red
Racer again.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
He was afraid of it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
At this Oscar he pulled him to his feet, dragged
him protestingly out to the back, and forced him to
get on the French machine. Only way to cocky your
fear of it. For started off white faced, wabbling and
at the moment was on the ground, rolling, thrashing, screaming.
Oscar pulled him away.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
From the machine.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
It threw me, It tried, it tried to kill me.
Look blood, his partner said it was a bump that
threw him.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Was his own fear. The blood and broke.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
And spoke raised his cheek, and he insisted Ford get
on the bicycle again to conquer his fear. But Ford
had grown hysterical. He shouted that no man was safe,
that mankind had to be warned. It took Oscar a
long time to pacify him into getting home and into bed.
(20:41):
He didn't tell all this to mister Watney, of course.
He merely said that his partner had gotten fed up
the business. H I don't pay a worry and try
to change the world, you know, I always say take
things the way they are.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
If you can't, let him join him.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Mister Watney said that was his philosophy too. He asked
how things were since, Well, not too bad. I'm engaged
in a names norma. He's just crazy about bicycles. Everything considered,
things aren't bad at all. There's more work, yeah, but
I can do things all my own ways. So mister
(21:20):
Watney nodded. He glanced around the shop. I see they're
still making Drup frame bikes. Oh, so many women wearing slacks.
I wonder why they bother. Oscar said, well, I don't know.
I kind of like it that way. Ever ever stopped
to think that bicycles or are like people. I mean,
of all the machines in the world, only bikes come
(21:45):
male and female. Mister Watney gave a little giggle and
said that was right. He had never thought of it
like that before. And then Oscar asked if mister Watney
had anything in particular in mind, not that he wasn't
always welcome. Well, I wanted to look over what you got.
Ask you my boys birthday's coming up, and Oscar nodded sagely. Well,
(22:11):
here's a job which you can't get in any other
place but right here, mister Watney, especially in the house,
combines the best features of the French racer and the
American standard. But it's made right here, and it comes
in three models from junior, intermediate regular. Beautiful, isn't it,
mister Watney observed it, Well, it just might be the ticket.
(22:34):
He asked, by the way, what's become of the French racer?
Read one that used to be in here? Oscar's face twitched,
then it grew bland and innocent, and he leaned over
and nudged his customer. Oh that one, Oh frenchy, Why
I put him out the stud.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
And they laughed, they laughed, And after.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
They told a few more stories, they concluded the sale,
and they had a few beers, and they laughed some more,
and then they said, what a shame it was about
poor Ferd, Poor old Ferd, who had been found in
his own closet with an unraveled coat hanger coiled tightly
around his neck. That story is called or All the
(24:12):
Seas with Oysters. It's a bob from Davidson. It appears
in the book The Hugo Winners a Volume one, which
is edited by Zagasimov. This is Michael Anson speaking technical
production from mind webs by Leslie Hilsenoff. Mind Webbs comes
to you from WHA Radio and Madison, a service of
(24:35):
the University of Wisconsin Extension
Mind Welcome to a half hour of mind wag short stories.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
From the world.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Suspect it was.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
The mind Web story this time comes from the book
The Hugo Winters, Volume.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
One, edited by Isaac Asima.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
This is Alfram Davidson's or All the Seas with Oysters.
When the man came into the Ethnol bike shop, Oscar
greeted him with a hearty high there. And then as
he looked closer at the middle aged visitor with the
eyeglasses and business suit, his fear head creased and he
began to snap his thick fingers. I say, I know you, mister.
(01:41):
Name's on the tip of my tongue. Kind of Oscar
was a barrel chested fellow. He had orange hair.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
Well, I assure you do.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
The man said. There was a lion's emblem in his lapel.
Remember you saw me a girl's bicycle with gears.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
For my daughter. When we got to talking about that
red front.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Racing bike your partner was working on, Oscar slapped his
big hand down on the cash registry. He raised his
head and rolled his eyes up mister Watney. Mister Watney beamed, ah,
sure gee, how could I forget? And we went across
the street afterward and had a couple of beers. Right, well,
you've been mister Watney. I guess the bike. It was
an English model, wasn't it. It must have worked out, okay, huh,
(02:22):
must have given satisfactionary he would have been back right,
mister Watney said the bicycle was fine, just fine. Then
he said, understand there's been a change though. You're all
by yourself now, your partner. Oscar looked down, pushed his
lower lip out and nodded, yeah, I heard huh, yep,
I'm all by myself now over three months now. The
(02:46):
partnership had come to an end three months ago, but
it had been faltering long before then. Third liked books,
long playing records, and high level conversation. Oscar like beer, bowling,
and women, any women. Anytime the shop was located near
the park, it did a big trade in renting bicycles
a the picnickers. If a woman was barely old enough
(03:08):
to be called a woman and not quite old enough
to be called an old woman, or if she was
anywhere in between, and if she was alone, Oscar would ask,
h how does that machine feel?
Speaker 3 (03:19):
The all? Right?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Why?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I guess I'll and taking another bicycle. Oscar would say, well,
I'll just ride along a little bit with you to
make sure you right back Ford, and Ford always nodded gloomily.
He knew that Oscar would not.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Be like back. Later Oscar would say, I hope you
made out in the shop as good as I did
in the park, leaving near alone all the time.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Grumbled Ford, and Oscar usually flared up. Okay, then next
time you go and I'll stay here, see if i'd
begrudge you a little fun. But he knew, of course
that Ferd tall thinn popey'd Ford would never go do
you a good slapping his sternham put hair on your chest?
(04:03):
Fred muttered that he had all the hair on his
chest that he needed, and he glanced down covertly at
his lower arms. They were thick with long black hair.
Those upper arms were slick and white. Who was already
like that when he was in high school? And some
of the others would laugh at him, call him Ferdy
the birdie. They knew it bothered him, but they did
it anyway. How is it possible, he wondered. Then he
still didn't now for people deliberately to hurt someone else
(04:25):
who hadn't hurt them.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
How is it possible?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
He worried over other things all the time, the communists,
and he shook.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
His head over the newspaper.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Oscar offered advice about the communists and two short words,
or it might be capital punishment. Oh, what a terrible thing.
If an innocent man was to be executed, Ford at moan.
Oscar would say, that's the guy's tough luck. Hand me
the tire iron, Oscar said. And Ford worried even about
(04:59):
other people's miner concerns, Like the time the couple came
in with the tandem and the baby basket on it.
Free air was already cooked. Then the woman decided to
change the diaper in one of the safety pins book.
Why are there never any safety pins, the woman fretted,
rummaging here and rummaging there. There are never any safety pins.
Ferd made sympathetic noises. Want to see if he had any,
(05:20):
would though he was sure there had been some of
the office, he couldn't find them, so.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
They drove off at one side of the diaper tied
and the clums h knot.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
At lunch, Fird said it was too bad about the
safety pins. Oscar dug his teeth into the sandwich tug
Tor chewed and swallowed. Ferd liked to experiment with sandwich breads.
The one he liked most was Queen cheese olive Sanchovian
avocado mashed up with a little mayonnaise. Oscar always had
the same pink.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Lunch and meat.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
It must be difficult with a baby, Ferd nibbled, not
just traveling but raising it. Oscar stores in every block.
And if he can't read again, at least recognize.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Him drug store. Oh to buy safety Pinjamin Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Oscar on Captor's beer, rinsed the first mufful around. Always
plenty of clothes hangers, though, throw them out every month.
Next month, same closets, full of them again. Now what
you gonna do in your spare time?
Speaker 3 (06:16):
And what do you want?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
You want to invent a device which will make safety
pins out of clothes hangers? Ferd nodded, abstracting, But in
my spare time, I'm working on the French Racer. It
was a beautiful machine, light, low slungs, with red shining.
You felt like a bird when you wrote it. But
good as it was, Ferd knew he could make it better.
(06:37):
He showed it to everybody who came into place till
his interests slackened. Nature was his latest hobby. You were
rather reading about nature. Some kids had wandered buy from
the park one day with tin cans in which they
had put salamanders and toads, and they probably showed.
Speaker 3 (06:51):
Them the ferd.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
After that, the work in the Red Racer slowed down,
and he spent his spare time on natural history books. Mimicry,
Ford said Oscar one day, A wonderful thing. Mimically. Oscar
looked up interestedly from the bowling scores in the paper.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
I seen Edy Adams on TV the other night, Toelean
her imitation of Merlyn Monroe.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Boy, oh boy. Furud was irritated, shook his head.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
Not that kind of mimicry. I mean how insects and
the rachnids will mimic the shapes of leaves and twigs
and so on to escape being eaten by birds and
other insects in the racknids. A scowl of disbelief passed
over Oscar's face.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
You mean you mean they changed? Oh are you giving me? Oh?
It's true.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Sometimes the mimicry is for aggressive purposes, though, like a
South African turtle. It looks like a rock, and so
the fish swim up to it, and then it catches him.
Or that spider in Sumatra, when it lies on its back,
it looks like a bird dropping catches butterflies that way,
Oscar laughed, a disgusted and incredulous noise. It died away
(07:55):
as he turned back to the bowling scores. One hand
go uped at his pocket, came away, scratched absently at
the orange thicket under the shirt, and then went patting
his hip pocket. Where's that pencil? He muttered, and got up,
stopped into the office, pulled open drawers.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
His loud cry hey brought Ferd into the tiny room.
What's a matter?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Oscar pointed to a drawer. Remember the time he claim
there were no safety pins here? Look o damn drawers.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Full of them.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Ferd stared, scratched his head, and said feebly that he
was certainly he'd looked there before. A controlto voice from
outside asked anybody here. Oscar at once forgot the desk
in its contents, and called, be right with you.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
It was gone. Ferd followed him slowly. There was a
young woman in.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
The shop, a rather massively built the young woman with
muscular calves and the deep chests. She was pointing out
the seat of her bicycle to Oscar, who was saying,
and looking more at her than anything else. It's just
a little too far forward, as you can see wrenches,
all right, I need forget my tools, Oscar.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
Repeated automatically, and then snapped too.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Fix it in the jiffy, he said, And despite her
insistence that she could do it herself, he did fix it,
though not quite in the jiffy. He refused money, and
he prolonged the conversation as long as he could. Well,
thank you, the young woman said, And now I've got
to go the machine. I feel all right to you
(09:27):
now perfectly.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Tell you what I'll just write along with you. That
just pear shaped notes of laughter lifted the young woman's boosom. Oh,
you couldn't keep up with me. My machine's a racer.
The moment he saw Oscar's eyes flip to the corner,
Ferd knew what he had in mind. He stepped forward.
His cry no was drowned out by his partner's loud Well,
(09:52):
I guess this racer here can keep up with yours.
The young woman giggled richly and said, well, let's see
about that.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
They were off.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Oscar, ignoring Ferd's outstretched hand, jumped on the French bike
and was gone. Frid stood in the doorway, watching the
two figures, hunched over their handle bars, vanished down the
road into the park. He went slowly back inside. It
was almost evening before Oscar returned, sweaty but smiling, smiling broadly.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Eh, what a babe, he cried.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
He wagged his head, he whistled, he made gesture, his
noises like escaping steam. Boy, oh boy, what an afternoon.
Give me the bike, demanded Ferd. Oscar said yeah, sure,
and turned it over to him and went to wash.
Ferd looked at the machine. The red enamel was covered
with dust. There was mud splattered and dirtin bits of
dried grass. Seemed soiled, degraded. It felt like a swift bird.
(10:46):
When he rode it, Oscar came out, wet and beaming.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
He gave a.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Cry of dismay and ran over. Stand away, said Ferd.
Gesturing with a knife. He slashed the tires of the seat,
the seat.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Cover again and again.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Hey you crazy, Oscar yelled, you out of your mind,
for Ferd. No, don't Ferd cut the spokes, bent them,
twisted them. He took the heaviest hammer and pounded the
frame into shapelessness, and then he kept on pounding. Who
his breath was gasping. Ye're not only crazy, you're rotten jealous, Ferd.
(11:20):
You can go to hell.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
He stopped away.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Ferd, feeling sick and stiff, locked up, went slowly home.
He had no taste for reading, turned out the light
and fell into bed, where he lay awake four hours,
whistening to the rustling noises of the night and thinking
how twisted thoughts. They didn't speak to each other for
days after that, except for the necessities of the work.
The wreckage of the French race early behind the shop
(11:47):
for about two weeks, neither he wanted to go out
back or he'd have to see it. One morning, Ferd
arrived to be greeted by his partner, who began to
shake his head in astonishment even before he started speaking,
How did you do it?
Speaker 3 (12:02):
Did you do it? For geez? What a beautiful job
I got handed to you? Man?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
No more hard feelings, how Ferd? Ferd took his hand, Sure, sure,
but what are you talking? About Oscar let him out
back there was the red racer, all in one piece,
lot of marker scratch on it. It's an amal bright
as every ferd gaped. He squatted down and examined it.
(12:29):
It was his machine, every change, every improvement he had made,
all there. He straightened up slowly. Regeneration. Huh what'd you say?
Oscar asked? Then, hey man, you're all white.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
What'd you do?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Stamp all night and didn't get to sleep? Come on
and sit down. But hey, I still don't see how
you did it. Inside Ford sat down.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
He went his lips.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
He said, Oscar, listen, yeah, yeah, Oscar, you know what
regeneration is.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
No, listen.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Some kinds of lizards you grab them by the tail.
The tail breaks off and they grow.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
A new one.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
If a lobster loses a claw, it regenerates another one.
Some kinds of worms and hydros and starfish you cut
'em into pieces. Each piece will grow back the missing parts.
Salamanders can regenerate lost hands, Frogs can grow legs back. Uh,
no kidding for it, but I mean, uh, nature very interesting.
But to get back to the bike, now, how did
(13:32):
you manage to fix it so good? I never touched it,
Oscar regenerated like a newt or a lobster. Oscar considered this.
He lowered his head, looked up at furred from under
his eyebrows.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Oh well, now.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
For look, Uh, how come all.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Uh, broken bikes don't do that. Oh this isn't an
ordinary bike. I mean, it isn't a real bike. Catching
Oscar's look, he said, well, it's true. That changed Oscar's
attitude from baffleman to infiduity. He got up. So for
(14:13):
the sake of argument, let's say all that stuff you
know about the bugs and heels or whatever the hell
you're talking about, is true. But Ford, they're alive. A
bike isn't. He looked down triumphantly. Frid shook his leg
from side to side and looked at it. A crystal
isn't either, Oscar. But a broken crystal can regenerate itself
if the conditions are right. Go see if the safety
(14:35):
pins are still in the desk, please, Oscar. He listened
as Oscar muttering and pulled the desk doors, rummaged in them,
slammed them shut, cramped the back.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Nah, all gone like.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
That, lady said the time, and you said, there never
are any safety pins When you want them, they disappear.
Fred why Ferd jerked open the closet door and jumped
back as a shoal of clothes.
Speaker 3 (15:00):
Hangers clattered on And like you say, Ford said, with
a twist of his mouth.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
On the other hand, there are always plenty of clothes hangers, Oscar.
There weren't any here before.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Oscar shrugged. I don't see what you're getting at.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
But anybody could have got in here and uh took
the pins and left the hangers.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
I could have. I didn't, or you could have.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Maybe maybe you walk in your sleep for it and
done it. You better see a doctor. Jesus, you look rotten.
Fred went back and sat down, put his head in
his hands. I feel rotten. I'm scared, Oscar.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
I'm scared of what I'll tell you.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Like I explained before about how things, remember that live
in the wild places that mimic other things there twigs, leaves,
toads that looked like rocks. Well, well, I suppose there
are things that live in people places, cities, houses. These
things could imitate, well imitate other kinds of things you
find in people places, people places for Christ's Day. Now,
(16:14):
maybe they're a different kinds of life for them, Oscar.
Maybe they get their nourishment out of the elements in
the air. You know what safety pins are, and these
are other kinds of them, Oscar. The safety pins are
the pupa forms, and then like they hatch into the
larval forms, which look just like coat hangers. They feel
(16:34):
like them even but they're not, Oscar, They're not, not
really not. They begin to cry into his hands. Oscar
looked at it, and he shook his head. After a minute,
Ford controlled himself somewhat. He snuffled all these bicycles that
cops find and they hold them waiting for owners to
show up, and then we buy them at the sale
because no owners show up because there aren't any. And
(16:57):
the same with the ones. The kids are always trying
to sell it sent and they say they just found them,
and they really did, because they were never made in
the factory. They they grew, They grow, You smash 'em
and throw them away. They regenerate. Oscar turned to someone
who wasn't there and wiped his head. Oooh, boy, Ford,
(17:22):
for give me. One day there's a safety pin, and
the next day instead there's a code hanger. Ford said,
one day there's a cocoon. The next day there's a mark.
One day there's an egg, the next day there's a chicken.
But with these it doesn't happen in the open daytime
where you can see it. But at night, Oscar. At
(17:44):
night you can hear it happening, all the little noises
in the nighttime. Oscar, Then uh o'ur come we in up.
There are belly buttons and bikes for if I had
a bike for every code hanger. But Ford had considered
that too. If every codfish egg, he explained, or every
oyster spond grew to maturity, a man could walk across
(18:07):
the ocean on the backs of all the codfish or oysters,
they'd be so many died, so many were eaten by
predatory creatures that nature had to produce a maximum in
order to allow a minimum to arrive at maturity.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
An Oscar's question was, then.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Who uh eats the uh coat hangings? Bird's eyes focused
through wall, buildings, park and more buildings to the horizon.
You gotta get the picture. I'm not talking about real
pins or hangers. I got a name for for the
other's false friends. I call 'em Oscar.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
In high school, French.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
We had to watch out for French words that had
looked like English words but really were different.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
It wasn't me.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
They call false friends, pseudo pins, pseudo hangers. Who eats them? Oscar,
I don't know for sure, pseudo vacuum cleaners. Maybe Oscar
with a loud groans, lapped his hands against his thighs.
Fird third got you know what's the trouble with you?
(19:16):
You talk about oysters, but you forgot what they're good for.
You forgot these two kinds of people in the world.
Close up those books, those books and those French books.
Get out, mingle, meet people. Soak up some brue. You
know what for the next time Norma that's a woman's
name with a racing bike. The next time she comes
in here, you take the red Racer and you go
(19:39):
out in the woods with her. I won't mind, and
I don't think she will either, Not too much. But
Ford said no, he didn't want to touch the red
Racer again.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
He was afraid of it.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
At this Oscar he pulled him to his feet, dragged
him protestingly out to the back, and forced him to
get on the French machine. Only way to cocky your
fear of it. For started off white faced, wabbling and
at the moment was on the ground, rolling, thrashing, screaming.
Oscar pulled him away.
Speaker 3 (20:07):
From the machine.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
It threw me, It tried, it tried to kill me.
Look blood, his partner said it was a bump that
threw him.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Was his own fear. The blood and broke.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
And spoke raised his cheek, and he insisted Ford get
on the bicycle again to conquer his fear. But Ford
had grown hysterical. He shouted that no man was safe,
that mankind had to be warned. It took Oscar a
long time to pacify him into getting home and into bed.
(20:41):
He didn't tell all this to mister Watney, of course.
He merely said that his partner had gotten fed up
the business. H I don't pay a worry and try
to change the world, you know, I always say take
things the way they are.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
If you can't, let him join him.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Mister Watney said that was his philosophy too. He asked
how things were since, Well, not too bad. I'm engaged
in a names norma. He's just crazy about bicycles. Everything considered,
things aren't bad at all. There's more work, yeah, but
I can do things all my own ways. So mister
(21:20):
Watney nodded. He glanced around the shop. I see they're
still making Drup frame bikes. Oh, so many women wearing slacks.
I wonder why they bother. Oscar said, well, I don't know.
I kind of like it that way. Ever ever stopped
to think that bicycles or are like people. I mean,
of all the machines in the world, only bikes come
(21:45):
male and female. Mister Watney gave a little giggle and
said that was right. He had never thought of it
like that before. And then Oscar asked if mister Watney
had anything in particular in mind, not that he wasn't
always welcome. Well, I wanted to look over what you got.
Ask you my boys birthday's coming up, and Oscar nodded sagely. Well,
(22:11):
here's a job which you can't get in any other
place but right here, mister Watney, especially in the house,
combines the best features of the French racer and the
American standard. But it's made right here, and it comes
in three models from junior, intermediate regular. Beautiful, isn't it,
mister Watney observed it, Well, it just might be the ticket.
(22:34):
He asked, by the way, what's become of the French racer?
Read one that used to be in here? Oscar's face twitched,
then it grew bland and innocent, and he leaned over
and nudged his customer. Oh that one, Oh frenchy, Why
I put him out the stud.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
And they laughed, they laughed, And after.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
They told a few more stories, they concluded the sale,
and they had a few beers, and they laughed some more,
and then they said, what a shame it was about
poor Ferd, Poor old Ferd, who had been found in
his own closet with an unraveled coat hanger coiled tightly
around his neck. That story is called or All the
(24:12):
Seas with Oysters. It's a bob from Davidson. It appears
in the book The Hugo Winners a Volume one, which
is edited by Zagasimov. This is Michael Anson speaking technical
production from mind webs by Leslie Hilsenoff. Mind Webbs comes
to you from WHA Radio and Madison, a service of
(24:35):
the University of Wisconsin Extension
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