Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The fourth and final section of The Misplaced Battleship by
Harry Harrison. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
Section four. When we were alone, he was anything but
courteous to me, having assured himself by not too subtle
questioning that I was a spurious admiral. There was no
doubt I was still in charge, but our relationship was
(00:23):
anything but formal. This tripe and nonsense, I told him,
is the bait that will snag our fish, a trap
for Pepe and his partner in crime. Who is this
mysterious billionaire me? I said, I've always wanted to be rich.
But this ship, the space yacht, where is it being
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built now? In the Naval ship yard at Adriddy. We
are all most ready to go there now soon as
this batch of instructions goes out. Captain Stayin dropped his
releases on to the table, then carefully wiped his hands
off to remove any possible In fact, he was trying
to be fair and considerate of my views and not
succeeding in the slightest. It doesn't make sense, he growled.
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How can you be sure this killer will ever read
one of those things? And if he does, why should
he be interested here looks to me as if you
are wasting time while he slips through your fingers. The
alarm should be out in every ship, notified, the navy alerted,
and patrols set on all space lanes, which he could
easily avoid by going around or bury, yet not even
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bothering about since he can lick any ship we have.
That's not the answer. I told him this Pepe is
smart and as tricky as a fixed gambling machine. That's
his strength and his weakness as well. Characters like that
never think it possible for some one else to outthink them,
which is what I'm going to do. Modest, aren't you?
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Sting said? I try not to be, I told him
false modesty is the refuge of the incompetent. I'm going
to catch this thug, and I'll tell you how I'll
do it. He's going to hit again soon, and wherever
he hits there will be some kind of a periodical
with my plant in it. Whatever else he is after,
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He's going to take all of the magazines and papers
he can find, partly to satisfy his own ego, but
mostly to keep track of the things he is interested in,
such as ship sailings. You're just guessing. You don't know
all this. His automatic assumption of my incompetence was beginning
to get me annoyed. I bridled my temper and tried
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one last time. Yes, I'm guessing and informed guess, but
I do know some facts as well. Auga's dream was
cleaned out of all reading matter. That was one of
the first things I checked. We can't stop the battleship
from attacking again, but we can see to it. At
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the time. After that, she he sails into a trap.
I don't know, the captain said. It sounds to me
like I never heard what it sounded like, which is
all right, since he was getting under my skin and
might have been tempted to pull my pseudo rank. The
alarm sirens cut his sentence off and we foot raced
to the communications room. Captain staying won by a nose.
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It was his ship and he knew all the short cuts.
The sie man was holding out a transcription, but he
summed it up in one sentence. He looked at me
while he talked, and his face was hard and cold.
They hit again, knocked out a navy's supply satellite. Thirty
four men dead. If your plan doesn't work, Admiral, the
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captain whispered hoarsely in my ear, I'll personally see that
you're flayed alive. If my plan doesn't work, Captain, there
won't be enough of my skin left to pick up
with a tweezer. If you please, I'd like to get
to you ready and pick up my ship as soon
as possible. The easy going, hatred and contempt of all
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my associates had annoyed me, thrown me off balance. I
was thinking with anger now, not with logic, forcing a
bit of control. I ordered my thoughts, checking off a
mental list. Belay that last command, I shouted, getting back
into my old space dog mood, and get a call
through first and find out if any of our plants
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were picked up during the raid. While the SI man
unfocused his eyes and mumbled under his breath, I riffled
some papers, relaxed and cool. The ratings and officers waited
tensely and made some slight attempt to conceal their hatred
of me. It took about ten minutes to get an
answer affirmative. The SI man said a storeship docked there
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twenty hours before the attack, among other things that left
the newspapers containing the article. Very good, I said, calmly,
send general order to suspend all future activity with the
planted releases. Send it by simon only. No mention on
any other naval signaling equipment. There's a good chance now
it might be overheard. I strolled out slowly in command
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of the situation, keeping my face turned away so they
couldn't see the coal sweat. It was a fast run
to youur ready where my billionaire's yacht, the El Dorado,
was waiting. The dockyard commander showed me the ship and
made a noble effort to control his curiosity. I took
a sadistic revenge on the navy by not telling him
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a word about my mission. After checking out the controls
and special apparatus with the technicians, I cleared the ship.
There was a tape in the automatic navigator that would
put me on the course mentioned in all the articles.
Just a press of a button and I would be
on my way. I pressed the button. It was a
beautiful ship, and the dockyard had been lavish with their
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attention to detail from bow to rear tubes. She was
plated in pure gold. There are other metals with a
higher albedo, but none that gives a richer effect. All
the fittings inside and out were either machine turned or plated.
All this work could not have been done in the
time allotted. The Navy must have adapted a luxury yacht
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to my needs. Everything was ready. Either Pepe would make
his move or I would sail on to my billionaire's
paradise planet. If that happened, it would be best if
I stayed there. Now that I was in space past
the point of no return, all the doubts that I
had dismissed fought for attention. The plan that had seemed
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so clear and logical now began to look like a
patched and crazy makeshift. Hold on there, Sailor, I said
to myself, using my best admiral's voice. Nothing is changed.
It's still the best and only plan possible under the
circumstance dances was it. Could I be sure that Pepe,
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flying his mountain of a ship and eating navy rations,
would be interested in some of the comforts and luxuries
of life, or if the luxuries didn't catch his eye,
would he be interested in the planetary home studding gear.
I had loaded the cards with all the things he
might want and planted the information where he could get it.
He had the bait now, but would he grab the hook?
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I couldn't tell, and I could work myself into a
neurotic state if I kept running through the worry cycle.
It took an effort to concentrate on anything else, but
it had to be made. The next four days passed
very slowly. When the alarm blew off, all I felt
was an intense sensation of relief. I might be dead
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and blasted to dust in the next few minutes, but
that didn't seem to make much difference. Pepe had swallowed
the bait. There was only one in the galaxy that
could knock back a blip that big at such a distance.
It was closing fast, using the raw energy of the
battleship engines for a headlong approach. My ship bucked a
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bit as the tug beams locked on at maximum distance.
The radio bleaped at me for attention. At the same time.
I waited as long as I dared, then flipped it on.
The voice boomed out that you onned the guns of
a warship. Don't attempt to run signal, take a vase
of action or in any other way. Who are you
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and what the devil do you want? I sputtered into
the mic. I had my scanner on so they could
see me, but my own screen stayed dark. They weren't
sending any picture. In a way, it made my act easier.
I just played to an unseen audience. They could see
the rich cut of my clothes, the luxurious cabin behind me.
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Of course, they couldn't see my hands. It doesn't matter
who we are. The radio boomed again. Just obey orders
if you care to live, stay away from the controls
until we have tied on. Then do exactly as I say.
There were two distant clangs as magnetic grapples hit the hull.
A little later, the ship lurched, drawn home against the battleship.
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I let my eyes roll in fear, looking around for
a way to escape, and taking a peek at the
outside scanners. The yacht was flush against the space filling
bulk of the other ship. I pressed the button that
sent the tarch wielding robot on his way. Now let
me tell you something, I snapped into the mic, wiping
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away the worried billionaire expression. First, I'll repeat your own warning.
Obey orders if you want to live. I'll show you why.
When I threw the big switch, a carefully worked out
sequence took place. First, of course, the hull was magnetized
and the bombs fused. A light blinked as the scanner
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in the cabin turned off and the one in the
generator room came on. I checked the monitor screen to
make sure, then started into the spacesuit. It had to
be done fast. At the same time, it was necessary
to talk naturally. They must think of me as sitting
in the control room. That's the ship's generators you're looking at,
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I said, ninety eight percent of the output is now
feeding into coils that make an electromagnet of this ship's hull.
You will find it very hard to separate us, and
I would advise you not to try. The suit was on,
and I kept the running chatter up through the mike
in the helmet, relaying to the ship's transmitter. The scene
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and the monitor receiver changed. You are now looking at
a hydrogen bomb that is primed and aware of the
magnetic field holding our ships together. It will, of course
go off if you try to pull away. I grabbed
up the monitor receiver and ran towards the airlock. This
is a different bomb now, I said, keeping one eye
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on the screen and the other on the slowly opening
outer door. This one has receptors on the hull. Attempt
to destroy any part of this ship or even gain
entry to it, and this one will detonate. I was
in space now, leaping across to the gigantic wall of
the other ship. What do you want? These were the
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first words Pepe had spoken since his first threats. I
want to talk to you, arrange a egle, something that
would be profitable for both of us. But let me
first show you the rest of the bombs so you
won't get any strange ideas about co operating. Of course,
I had to show him the rest of the bombs.
There was no getting out of it. The scanners in
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the ship were following a planned program. I made light
talk about all my massive armament that would carry us
both to perdition while I climbed through the hole in
the battleship's There was no armor or warning devices at
this spot. It had been chosen carefully from the blueprints. Yeah, yea,
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I take your word for it. You're a flying bomb.
So stop with this roving report of bit and tell me,
which you have in mind this time. I didn't answer
him because I was running and panting like a dog
and had the mic turned off. Just ahead, If the
blue prints were right, was the door to the control room.
Pepe should be there. I stepped through, gun out and
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pointed it at the back of his head. Angelina stood
next to him, looking at the screen. The game's over,
I said, stand up slowly and keep your hands in sight.
What do you mean? He said, angrily, looking at the
screen in front of him. The girl caught wise first.
She spun around and pointed, he's here. They both stared
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gaped at me, caught off guard and completely unprepared. You're
under arrest, crime King, I told him, and your girl friend.
Angelina rolled her eyes up and slid slowly to the floor.
Real or faked, I didn't care. I kept the gun
on Pepe's punchy farm while he picked her up and
carried her to an acceleration's couch against the wall. What
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what will happen now? He quavered the last question. His
pouchy jaws shook, and I swear there were tears in
his eyes. I was not impressed by his acting, since
I could clearly remember the dead man floating in space.
He stumbled over to a chair, half dropping into it.
Will they do anything to me? Angelina asked, Her eyes
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were open. Now, I have no idea what will happen
to you? I told her truthfully, that is up to
the court to decide. But he made me do all
those things, she wailed. She was young, dark and beautiful.
The tears did nothing to spoil this. Pepe dropped his
face into his hands, and his shoulders shook. I flicked
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the gun his way and snapped at it. Sit up, Pepe,
I find it very hard to believe that you are crying.
There are some navel ships on the way now, the
automatic alarm, which triggered about a minute ago. I'm sure
they'll be glad to see the man who. Don't let
them take me, please, Angelina was on her feet now,
her back pressed to the wall. They'll put me in prison,
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two things to my mind. She shrunk away as she spoke,
stumbling along the wall. I looked back at Pepe, not
wanting to have my eyes off him for an instant.
There's nothing I can do, I told her. I glanced
her away, and a small door was swinging open, and
she was gone. Don't try to run, I shouted after her.
It can't do any good. Pepe made a strangling noise,
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and I looked back to him quickly. He was sitting
up now, and his face was dry of tears. In fact,
he was laughing, not crying. So she caught you too,
mister wise cop, poor little Angelina with a soft eye.
He broke down again, shaking with laughter. What do you mean,
I growled, don't you catch on yet? The story she
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told you was true, except she twisted it around. Bit
The whole plan, building the battleship, then stealing it was hers.
She pulled me into it, played me like an accordion.
I fell in love with her, painting myself and happy
at the same time. Well, I'm glad now it's over.
At least I gave her a chance to get away.
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I owe her that much. Though I thought I would
explode when she went into that innocence act. The cold
feeling was now a ball of ice that threatened to
paralyze me. You're lying, I said hoarsely, and even I
didn't believe it. Sorry, that's the way it is. Your
brain boys will pick my skull to pieces and find
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out the truth anyway, there's no point in line. Now
we'll search the ship. She can't hide for long. She
won't have to. Pepe said, there's a fast scow we
picked up, stowed in one of the holes. That must
be it leaving now. We could feel the vibration distantly
through the floor. The Navy will get her, I told him,
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with far more conviction than I felt. Maybe, he said,
suddenly slumped and tired, no longer laughing. Maybe they will,
But I gave her her chance. It's all over for
me now. But she knows that I loved her to
the end. He bared his teeth in sudden pain. Not
that she will care in the slightest I kept the
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gun on him, and neither of us moved while the
Navy ships pulled up and their boots stamped outside. I
had captured my battleship, and the raids were over, and
I couldn't be blamed if the girl had slipped away,
if she evaded the Navy ships, that was their fault,
not mine. I had my victory all right. Then, Why
did it taste like ashes in my mouth? It's a
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big galaxy, but it wasn't going to be big enough
to hide Angelina. Now I can be calm once, but
only once, the next time we meet, things were going
to be very different. End of Section four, End of
The Misplaced Battleship by Harry Harrison. This story was read
(17:20):
by phil Shinevere Bnrouse, Louisiana, April two, thy twelve,