May 29, 2025 • 25 mins
"You can't make that kid do a damn thing." These words echoed through my mind as I reflected on the unique journey of parenting my strong-willed, neurodivergent son. The path has been anything but straightforward, filled with unexpected challenges, tearful breakthroughs, and moments of profound doubt.
When Grant was born in June 2020—our COVID baby—we noticed his babbling seemed to taper off around seven months old. What followed was a winding road through early intervention, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and eventually an IEP with a developmental delay diagnosis. As any parent of a child with communication difficulties knows, when language is delayed, behaviors often intensify. Our home became a battleground of emotions and tantrums as Grant struggled to express his needs in a world that felt overwhelming to him.
The most challenging aspect wasn't just the therapies or the mid-year school change we recently navigated—it was the constant questioning. Was this typical boy behavior? Was it because we speak Spanish at home? Was I failing him somehow? Just this week, after Grant graduated from speech therapy but continues to struggle with potty training, a pediatric pelvic floor specialist validated what my heart knew all along: "Claire, rewards and sticker charts don't work for these issues." Those words brought me to tears. Sometimes the greatest relief comes from hearing that you're not doing it wrong—the typical solutions just don't apply to your unique situation.
For parents walking similar paths with neurodivergent children or those with developmental differences, I want you to know you're not alone. Our kids who live by their own internal rules and rhythms are teaching us profound lessons about patience, acceptance, and finding joy in unexpected progress. They're showing us different ways of experiencing the world—even when that experience tests our limits as parents. If you're in the trenches of this beautiful, challenging journey, reach out. Share your story. Let's build community around these experiences that can feel so isolating but are more common than we realize. Because while I may not be an expert, I am a fellow traveler on this road, figuring it out one day at a time.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friends and welcome to MomTalk, maryland.
I'm your host, claire Duarte,founder of the Columbia Mom, and
this is your spot for realconversations, local love and a
whole lot of community, whetheryou're folding laundry, running
errands or hiding in your carfor some peace and quiet, let's
dive in.
So, on this week's episode, Ifigured I would jump into
(00:20):
talking about some parentingstruggles that we have gone
through immensely with our son,and for any moms or parents that
maybe have some neurodivergentkids in your household, I just
want this to kind of be themoment in the space for you to
know that I see you, I feel youand, to be honest, I feel like
(00:41):
it's such a weird thing as aparent to be walking this line,
because I feel like I'm justlearning as I go.
Right, my son is four and ahalf and we don't have a formal
diagnosis Not that we'renecessarily seeking one, but
we've just kind of had a slew ofdifferent things that we've
been working on over the yearsand in ways it gets better and
then other ways it gets wayharder, and it's been extremely
(01:06):
challenging for us and I feellike it's the perfect parenting
thing for me to jump into.
To be honest, I don't callmyself an expert on
neurodivergent kids andneurodivergent diagnoses.
For those of you that have beenfollowing around, you might
know that I do have a master'sdegree in counseling psychology.
(01:27):
Uh, I don't think that makes mean expert whatsoever.
I have studied the field, butnot specific to pediatrics or
pediatric children.
I did have an internship when Idid therapy work with children,
but again, not specific to umADHD learning, um challenges and
all the slew of things thatcome along with it.
Right, all I can speak to youis our experience with our son,
(01:50):
and that's what I wanted toshare with you today.
So if you've followed along onInstagram, you've maybe heard
some of my things that I'veshared with over the years.
But to give you a little bit ofbackstory, a little bit more
context, my son, grant, was bornin June 2020.
So he is your typical COVIDbaby, as we like to say.
He's also a boy.
He's also.
(02:10):
We are a bilingual household.
I am not, but my husband is,and my in-laws speak Spanish and
they are fluent, so my kidspick it up and they hear it
around the house.
I'm just saying all of that tosay the daughter to son dynamic,
the second born dynamic, if youknow, you know.
(02:32):
So there's a whole slew ofassumptions that have been
thrown at us for over the yearsoh he's a boy.
Oh there's Spanish in thehousehold, oh he's just a busy
kid and too busy to be botheredwith speech and things like that
.
And as a parent, it's so hard todecipher through what is and
(02:55):
isn't potentially a problem,right, because there are so many
age appropriate things thatthey are also going through all
these different milestones, allthese different growths, both
physically, mentally,emotionally, so it makes it so
challenging to figure out whatis the actual problem, what is
actually going on?
Right?
And long story short, grant hasa speech delay and we kind of
(03:21):
started to pick up on thataround seven months old, which
is at six months old.
We found out that he pick up onthat around seven months old,
which is at six months old.
We found out that he had apeanut allergy, which sent us to
, uh, the ER.
And at seven months old westarted the peanut OIT treatment
and around that time I hadstarted to hear him babbling and
then, about a month or twolater, I felt like I heard the
(03:42):
babbling kind of stopped andthen, about a month or two later
, I felt like I heard thebabbling kind of stopped and at
the time that my pediatricianwas like hmm, you know, you can
potentially seek, you know,check in with a speech language
pathologist, which we did.
And I think at that time is whenwe started to kind of put our
paperwork in with Howard CountyInfants and Toddlers and it's
(04:03):
all feeling so foggy to me now,but I'm basically just saying
that I think I remember puttingin all the paperwork, speaking
with somebody, and they werelike okay, if he doesn't have a
first word by like I forget themilestone, like 14 to 17 months,
something like that.
Then they were like definitelycome back to us.
Well, he had like, or it waseither one word or maybe up to
five, something like that, andwe had maybe one word, or maybe
(04:25):
up to five, something like that,and we had maybe one word but
not more than five.
Ironically, both my kids' firstword was agua.
Go figure, definitely not mamafor either of them, but he did
say the one word, but we didn'thave any more.
Anyway, so at that time is whenwe got linked with infants and
toddlers Meanwhile we're alsodoing the peanut OIT treatment.
(04:45):
I just say that as like.
I just feel like there's a lotgoing on orally for this kid.
Anyway, it's not to give you soso, so, so.
So much history and background.
But you know all of this isgoing on during COVID, both my
kids were home with me full time.
I was also trying to work, youknow, full time from home for a
(05:07):
while and it was obviously justvery challenging.
And you can imagine the kid, ifyou, if you've dealt with a kid
that has some speech delay orany kind of speech issue or
challenge, you know that whenthere's a lack of language
there's usually a higherpresence of behaviors.
And that's exactly what we wentthrough.
So it was a of emotions, a lotof tantrums, because you know,
(05:27):
when you can't communicate it'sobviously very frustrating.
It's gonna come out in someother form, right.
So that made you know for a lotof challenging moments in our
in our house and in our family,especially around bedtime, nap,
nap time, and it, you know, whenI was already the like primary
(05:50):
parent, made him more attachedto me but kind of like not
allowing my husband to be likeinvolved at all, which again
kind of put the burden on me,which I was already doing, but
it made it hard to split andbalance parenting roles.
You know what I mean.
So again, if you know, you know,so, fast forward, we do the
(06:10):
infants and toddlers thing.
I think you know.
Forget it.
I think two and a half that'swhen you can get assessed.
To get a you have to go throughthe diagnosis process to
continue to get services throughthe county, which we did.
He got the diagnosis of centraldevelopmental delay, which is
(06:32):
kind of like a nice kind ofblanket statement of there's no
formal diagnosis that we'reseeing swaying one way or the
other but still allows him toqualify for services.
He got his first IEP written.
We did the REC program and hegot a lot of support and
certainly we started to see alot more emerging language.
(06:53):
Some of those very intensebehaviors started to kind of
de-escalate a little bit withthe higher presence of words,
right, we kind of started tomeet more of the middle.
So behaviorally things werefeeling better.
We also.
He was also a late potty trainerAgain, very typical, you hear
that all the time with boys andwe finally got him potty trained
(07:17):
January of last year.
So he was three and a half atthe time, which again, when I
say that, it doesn't sound allthat late for again being a boy
and all of those things.
But if you know Grant and youknow the challenges that speech
and fine motor deficits have inthat whole entire process, when
you think of potty training,it's so very challenging and
(07:39):
frankly, a year ago I didn'teven register that he had fine
motor deficits.
It wasn't until more recentlythat I was, when he was in,
started pre-k this past year andthey were having him right that
we really noticed it so muchmore and we're.
And then honestly, to be honest,I felt kind of guilty as a mom.
I was like how did I not knowthat?
How did I not see that?
(07:59):
I literally did.
I not see that.
I've literally said fromprobably like birth that this
kid's a gross motor kid.
I've literally said that in myjust vernacular and my brain
just never really registeredthat oh, maybe high intense
strengths and gross motor couldmean for this kid I'm not saying
as an assumption or blanketstatement deficit in fine motor.
(08:21):
Other little examples that clueme in.
Sorry that I'm bouncing around,but just you know, when he was
six months old and I was tryingto do baby led weaning, he
didn't have pincher grasp and Iremember feeling really guilty
as a mom, that I was likebasically trying to you know
spoon feed my kid, even thoughthey said that's a no, no, but
he couldn't.
He couldn't do it, so it.
So I was like, okay, well,maybe he's not ready for it.
So I was like trying to helphim eat and learn how to eat,
(08:45):
and he had a very, like you know, trouble grasping things
because he would use, like afist, not the, not your little
fingies.
Um, and again I felt there wasa part of me that felt guilt and
shame of like, oh, there'ssomething wrong with me because
maybe I'm not teaching him wellenough or maybe I'm not exposing
him in the right way.
(09:07):
The other reality with Grant wasthat he wasn't interested in
things that might have morenaturally helped encourage fine
motor.
Like people say, oh, I justwould lay out you know crayons
for my kids to, you know colorand da da da.
Grant to this day and histeachers know this and I laugh
(09:29):
does not care for arts andcrafts, pretty much of any kind.
He does them based on need,like aka having to do it at
school.
At home he maybe picks it upvery occasionally, but he is not
interested, so he's naturallynot inclined to do activities
like that or, frankly, mostanything that really involves
(09:49):
fine motor.
Has he gotten better over theyears?
Of course?
But just kind of giving likelittle insight and examples.
Sorry I'm bouncing around sofast.
Forward to a little bit morerecently.
You may have heard that hestarted pre-K in the fall at my
daughter's school and we wereworking with the PALS team who
(10:14):
would come on site to help givea little support, and our hope
was that he could be at the sameschool with my daughter.
And, long story short, we justrealized he needed a little bit
more support.
So we had to transfer schoolsmid-year, which, to be honest,
was very stressful for myhusband and I.
It's not entirely what we hadwanted.
(10:36):
We of course, want what's bestfor our kids.
I'll just admit that it's just avery challenging emotion when
there's so many things in theair, and the change meant
impacting our schedule a lotmore and something that I
selfishly felt really frustratedabout.
I'm like, of course you know.
(10:56):
So now we're back to the twoschool drop, drop-off,
two-school pickup, and not onlywere they going to be at two
schools in two differentdirections, we were layering in
speech therapy and OT and itfelt very overwhelming.
Long story short, we did makeit through all that and I'll be
(11:17):
the first to admit that when I'mstaring down the barrel of
changes and things like that, Iknow that they seem a lot worse
than when we're actually in them.
Because once we did thetransition and we were in school
, it's like, ok, this is ourlife now, right, and we were in
it and we were doing it, and westill are right and it's fine.
(11:40):
You know what I mean.
Like we're okay, I'm no longer,I don't have this high, intense
feeling of stress and rage andanger or anything like that.
Like you know, like this islife and we're okay, we're good,
right.
So that's what I mean by, likestaring down the barrel.
It always seems worse when theidea of something always seems
worse, even if I know it is alittle frustrating.
Idea of something always seemsworse, even if I know it is a
(12:01):
little frustrating.
So but more recently, this pastweek, he did actually graduate
from speech.
They felt that he they didn't,from the testing that they had
done and all the observationaldata they were taking and
(12:22):
obviously from all theobservation reports I was
sharing and things like that,that he didn't meet the criteria
for any more speech disorders.
But knowing that he was stillgoing to be receiving speech
support at school via his IEPand the speech pathologist there
, we felt like it was a goodplan.
And it seems like so far, theschools aligned, we were sharing
the data back and forth and wealso had a recent IEP meeting
with school.
(12:42):
So, um, it feels weird, aftergoing through so much in less
than six months, to be endingthis additional speech Cause I'm
like I don't know, I just don'twant him to regress.
I mean, I know he's going toget be still getting speech
support at school, but I justI'm nervous.
It's weird.
I'm definitely nervous, but onthe other hand, I'm really glad
(13:05):
that I'm like I get a little bitof my life back on Wednesdays.
You know what I mean.
I don't have to like run overto school, pick him up and take
him over, you know.
So that is a relief.
I know that the work isn't donewith speech, but he has made a
lot of progress there.
There's still a lot of stuffthat we're experiencing at home,
(13:28):
which is why they are alsolooking to put in a behavioral
psych referral to deal with someof the black and white
cognitive, inflexible thinkingissues that we have.
That I feel like, again, verytypical for toddlerisms, right,
Very typical and normal for thisage range.
So sometimes when I'm talkingto peers or friends or family,
(13:51):
they're like, well, isn't thatpretty normal?
I'm like, yeah, it is.
And that's what makes it all sohard to decipher.
And you know, all that we canspeak to is our experience and
the extremes that we have athome, especially, um, especially
in our family unit, and thefrustrations that we have and,
(14:12):
um, I don't know.
I guess all I can say too islike you just got to know in
your gut, like if, if somethingfeels hard and off and and wrong
and beyond your capacity tocontrol chances are like it's
legitimate and may be somethingmore than just the norm.
You know what I mean and that'swhat that's been our experience
(14:36):
with Grant and obviously heloves fiercely, he lives life
fiercely and unfortunatelyprobably takes after me quite a
bit.
Um, even though I didn't havespeech, um, or potty training
issues as a kid, um, I can seehis zest for life and it's,
frankly, it's a beautiful thing,um, and probably why I?
(15:00):
I know that I want to protecthim, that that mama bear in me
for sure.
Um, but yeah, this this week was, was a hard one.
It just felt like you know,from having his IEP meeting to
ending speech.
But I didn't share this yet,having probably one of the worst
speech sessions we've had todate.
(15:20):
Ironically, speech sessionswould go way worse than his OT
sessions, but I feel like we hadbetter success of speech
translating at home versus OTand OT.
My husband would take him tothose sessions so I wouldn't be
there.
So there's always the element oflike is he playing into
(15:43):
antagonizing with mom or leaningin with his attachment with me
more?
I think that's for sure anelement in the room.
But regardless, ot, like hewould just walk in, no issues,
no shyness, and just startplaying.
I mean it's all play therapy.
I mean, frankly, speech isstill play therapy too, but I
think he can feel and sense thework that's verbally happening
(16:07):
and he would just shut down.
And it was hard.
I mean I feel for him.
I know it's not an easy thingfor him emotionally and you know
it's a new environment, it'snew people, you know, and it is
a lot for him to take in havetypically been very difficult
for him and take a lot longer ascompared to my daughter, as you
(16:32):
know, and sometimes hesurprises me, you know,
surprises all of us, you know.
But that's, yeah, that's just,that's just been his experience,
that's been our experience.
So, anyways, but yeah, he'll gointo OT and he looks like he's
having the time of his life.
But yeah, he'll go into OT andhe looks like he's having the
time of his life and he's havingso much fun, and I'll be like,
(16:52):
okay, awesome, so I will go homeand I'll get some like similar
toys that they're doing at OT.
I'm like, okay, let's see if wecan keep practicing this at
home, right, because it's once aweek and he just digs his heels
in.
He's my kid that like he'sstubborn as a mule and when he
doesn't want something he doesnot want something.
I mean, grant lives by Grant'srules.
(17:14):
Everything is based on hisbarometer for life and you can't
make that kid do a damn thing,and that is for sure.
There is, again, probably awonderful side to that, but when
you are a parent to aheadstrong kid, that's all I
(17:36):
have to say.
So, anyways, yeah, we would tryto do some of those play things
and you just couldn't care lessand I'm like you were loving it
and being so wonderfullyparticipative.
And that's just where I thinkall kids probably have that
element of being a wonderfulpeople pleaser, probably at
school, around their peers,maybe in this case with their
therapist, not that he's, like,you know, being fake with them,
(18:00):
right.
But then you know, he goes backto his home environment and he
likes his own toys and his ownstuff, and I get that.
And I was saying to a friend Iwas like, well, maybe I should
like not put away all of his oldtoys but maybe like almost
simulate a little bit like otand just put out the ot like
stuff and see how that goes.
But and then I was like, well,that could be helpful.
But it's also like, to a degree, it's still our home, not that
(18:22):
I'm saying not willing to tomake that like accommodation for
him to try to, you know,simulate that, simulate that and
support that.
But I think, do you thinkthere's an element of like I
still think he needs to find away to be acclimated in his home
and move about his home, um, soI think there's validity on
both sides.
You know what I mean.
So anyways, um, but yeah, allthis to say that our biggest
(18:48):
struggle right now is pottytraining.
He is completely proficient innumber one and not in number two
.
So while speech has ended, othas been extended for another
six more weeks to kind of helpkeep focusing on OT.
Another six more weeks to kindof help keep focusing on OT.
(19:13):
Again same thing Because he'sstruggling with number two.
He again seems compliant whilehe's there in session and then
anytime we try to translate, todo stuff at home, I'm telling
you there is no amount of gentleparenting that seems to get
through this kid and and that'sjust what makes it so difficult
(19:33):
for my husband and I were likeand this is where I think I as a
parent feel like I feel justtapped out because I'm like I I
don't know what else to do.
This is not my area of expertise.
Sure, I have a master's degreein counseling psychology.
It is not specific to this andI feel like it has definitely
(19:55):
helped shape and give me afoundation to know just other
general diagnoses and havinggreat empathy for differences
and being okay with that, but itdoesn't make me feel any more
equipped as a parent and knowinghow to handle these things, you
know.
So I'm relying heavily ontrying to get myself versed with
(20:18):
these other professionals thatknow what they're doing.
So, ironically, I actually hada call today with a pelvic floor
specialist sorry, a pediatricpelvic floor specialist.
Never heard of that before andit was interesting to get her
take on it.
And, to be honest, I hung up thephone and I almost wanted to
(20:39):
cry because she validatedsomething in my soul that I
didn't know that I needed tohear, but she mentioned she was
like Claire, I work with kidsand families like this every
single day and I want you toknow that you're not alone.
And that's not the part thatI'm saying that I needed to hear
, because I kind of expected tohear that she was just saying
(21:02):
that rewards and sticker chartsfor this type of issue don't
seem to work at all and she wasbasically like you don't need to
waste your time with that andbecause I've had so many friends
and peers and family membersyou know suggest things like
that, and I was like, guys, ifit was as easy as that, I swear
(21:26):
to you on God's green earth Iwould have done it and I did and
I literally tried everythinglast year and, to be honest, it
was so frustrating to the pointthat, like I know, like in our
household, you know, we likewanted to get him potty trained
before, you know, potty trainingme like number two before pre-K
(21:46):
this past fall started and Iwas like, and I felt like I was
trying everything and and again,you can't make this kid do
anything, just like you can'tmake an adult do anything.
You certainly can't make atoddler do anything.
And shaming wasn't gonna work,time out wasn't gonna work, and.
But when she mentioned, let youknow, rewards, sticker charts
and all that stuff you knowdoesn't work in this situation,
(22:10):
to be honest, I just I reallydid feel like a massive sense of
relief.
I was like, okay, I've feltthat all along, but I also felt
like I was doing something wrongbecause we weren't making
progress, and I felt frustratedas a parent and you know, I felt
(22:32):
like maybe I had failed andmessed up in some way, you know.
So it's still a road that weare working to navigate and we
are certainly not at the end ofit.
You know, between OT, fine motorpelvic floor, pt and, frankly,
even behavioral psych right,there's so much that's still
(22:57):
kind of going on in our worldand in our life.
So I will be sure to keepgiving you some updates on our
parenting journey.
Again, this is our experience.
On our parenting journey.
Again, this is our experience,and I feel like I threw a lot of
detailed information at you inregards to the history and some
(23:22):
of it I glossed over reallyquickly because I was like I
could probably spend, you know,two hours talking to you in
hyper detail about it.
But think of this as more of mymoment to vent and breathe.
Maybe this plant here will helpgive me some air and some fresh
life, frankly, some sleep.
But all of this to say is, ifyou are a parent of a
neurodivergent kid or of anydiagnoses or not, you know what
(23:45):
I mean.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
You know what I mean.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
And, ironically, I still feellike I am in no way qualified to
speak about this stuff otherthan I'm just out here sharing
my experience.
Because the reality is, I thinkus moms, everyday moms, we
experience enough hardships intrying to be the best parent,
(24:08):
mom, spouse, family member,friend that having these
additional challenges that areoften unseen to the naked eye
when your kid maybe, looks likeseemingly normal.
You know what I mean.
I almost like hate that word,but you know it's a funky thing,
it's a wild ride to be on.
(24:31):
But if you ever want to chatfurther or if you're ever going
through anything similar, pleaseknow that I'm here.
Again, I am not an expertwhatsoever.
Please always refer to your ownpediatrician or therapist or
supports in your life.
But if this resonated with you,feel free to send me a DM, post
a comment below, share thiswith a friend and I hope to talk
(24:54):
to you soon.
Thanks for tuning into thisepisode of Mom Talk, maryland.
If you loved it, leave a review, share it with a friend or tag
me at thecolumbiamom onInstagram.
I'd love to hear what you thinkand don't forget to follow the
show so you never miss anepisode.
Until next time, keep showingup, keep supporting local and
keep being the incredible mom,woman, human that you are.
Hey friends and welcome to MomTalk, maryland.
I'm your host, claire Duarte,founder of the Columbia Mom, and
this is your spot for realconversations, local love and a
whole lot of community, whetheryou're folding laundry, running
errands or hiding in your carfor some peace and quiet, let's
dive in.
So, on this week's episode, Ifigured I would jump into
(00:20):
talking about some parentingstruggles that we have gone
through immensely with our son,and for any moms or parents that
maybe have some neurodivergentkids in your household, I just
want this to kind of be themoment in the space for you to
know that I see you, I feel youand, to be honest, I feel like
(00:41):
it's such a weird thing as aparent to be walking this line,
because I feel like I'm justlearning as I go.
Right, my son is four and ahalf and we don't have a formal
diagnosis Not that we'renecessarily seeking one, but
we've just kind of had a slew ofdifferent things that we've
been working on over the yearsand in ways it gets better and
then other ways it gets wayharder, and it's been extremely
(01:06):
challenging for us and I feellike it's the perfect parenting
thing for me to jump into.
To be honest, I don't callmyself an expert on
neurodivergent kids andneurodivergent diagnoses.
For those of you that have beenfollowing around, you might
know that I do have a master'sdegree in counseling psychology.
(01:27):
Uh, I don't think that makes mean expert whatsoever.
I have studied the field, butnot specific to pediatrics or
pediatric children.
I did have an internship when Idid therapy work with children,
but again, not specific to umADHD learning, um challenges and
all the slew of things thatcome along with it.
Right, all I can speak to youis our experience with our son,
(01:50):
and that's what I wanted toshare with you today.
So if you've followed along onInstagram, you've maybe heard
some of my things that I'veshared with over the years.
But to give you a little bit ofbackstory, a little bit more
context, my son, grant, was bornin June 2020.
So he is your typical COVIDbaby, as we like to say.
He's also a boy.
He's also.
(02:10):
We are a bilingual household.
I am not, but my husband is,and my in-laws speak Spanish and
they are fluent, so my kidspick it up and they hear it
around the house.
I'm just saying all of that tosay the daughter to son dynamic,
the second born dynamic, if youknow, you know.
(02:32):
So there's a whole slew ofassumptions that have been
thrown at us for over the yearsoh he's a boy.
Oh there's Spanish in thehousehold, oh he's just a busy
kid and too busy to be botheredwith speech and things like that
.
And as a parent, it's so hard todecipher through what is and
(02:55):
isn't potentially a problem,right, because there are so many
age appropriate things thatthey are also going through all
these different milestones, allthese different growths, both
physically, mentally,emotionally, so it makes it so
challenging to figure out whatis the actual problem, what is
actually going on?
Right?
And long story short, grant hasa speech delay and we kind of
(03:21):
started to pick up on thataround seven months old, which
is at six months old.
We found out that he pick up onthat around seven months old,
which is at six months old.
We found out that he had apeanut allergy, which sent us to
, uh, the ER.
And at seven months old westarted the peanut OIT treatment
and around that time I hadstarted to hear him babbling and
then, about a month or twolater, I felt like I heard the
(03:42):
babbling kind of stopped andthen, about a month or two later
, I felt like I heard thebabbling kind of stopped and at
the time that my pediatricianwas like hmm, you know, you can
potentially seek, you know,check in with a speech language
pathologist, which we did.
And I think at that time is whenwe started to kind of put our
paperwork in with Howard CountyInfants and Toddlers and it's
(04:03):
all feeling so foggy to me now,but I'm basically just saying
that I think I remember puttingin all the paperwork, speaking
with somebody, and they werelike okay, if he doesn't have a
first word by like I forget themilestone, like 14 to 17 months,
something like that.
Then they were like definitelycome back to us.
Well, he had like, or it waseither one word or maybe up to
five, something like that, andwe had maybe one word, or maybe
(04:25):
up to five, something like that,and we had maybe one word but
not more than five.
Ironically, both my kids' firstword was agua.
Go figure, definitely not mamafor either of them, but he did
say the one word, but we didn'thave any more.
Anyway, so at that time is whenwe got linked with infants and
toddlers Meanwhile we're alsodoing the peanut OIT treatment.
(04:45):
I just say that as like.
I just feel like there's a lotgoing on orally for this kid.
Anyway, it's not to give you soso, so, so.
So much history and background.
But you know all of this isgoing on during COVID, both my
kids were home with me full time.
I was also trying to work, youknow, full time from home for a
(05:07):
while and it was obviously justvery challenging.
And you can imagine the kid, ifyou, if you've dealt with a kid
that has some speech delay orany kind of speech issue or
challenge, you know that whenthere's a lack of language
there's usually a higherpresence of behaviors.
And that's exactly what we wentthrough.
So it was a of emotions, a lotof tantrums, because you know,
(05:27):
when you can't communicate it'sobviously very frustrating.
It's gonna come out in someother form, right.
So that made you know for a lotof challenging moments in our
in our house and in our family,especially around bedtime, nap,
nap time, and it, you know, whenI was already the like primary
(05:50):
parent, made him more attachedto me but kind of like not
allowing my husband to be likeinvolved at all, which again
kind of put the burden on me,which I was already doing, but
it made it hard to split andbalance parenting roles.
You know what I mean.
So again, if you know, you know,so, fast forward, we do the
(06:10):
infants and toddlers thing.
I think you know.
Forget it.
I think two and a half that'swhen you can get assessed.
To get a you have to go throughthe diagnosis process to
continue to get services throughthe county, which we did.
He got the diagnosis of centraldevelopmental delay, which is
(06:32):
kind of like a nice kind ofblanket statement of there's no
formal diagnosis that we'reseeing swaying one way or the
other but still allows him toqualify for services.
He got his first IEP written.
We did the REC program and hegot a lot of support and
certainly we started to see alot more emerging language.
(06:53):
Some of those very intensebehaviors started to kind of
de-escalate a little bit withthe higher presence of words,
right, we kind of started tomeet more of the middle.
So behaviorally things werefeeling better.
We also.
He was also a late potty trainerAgain, very typical, you hear
that all the time with boys andwe finally got him potty trained
(07:17):
January of last year.
So he was three and a half atthe time, which again, when I
say that, it doesn't sound allthat late for again being a boy
and all of those things.
But if you know Grant and youknow the challenges that speech
and fine motor deficits have inthat whole entire process, when
you think of potty training,it's so very challenging and
(07:39):
frankly, a year ago I didn'teven register that he had fine
motor deficits.
It wasn't until more recentlythat I was, when he was in,
started pre-k this past year andthey were having him right that
we really noticed it so muchmore and we're.
And then honestly, to be honest,I felt kind of guilty as a mom.
I was like how did I not knowthat?
How did I not see that?
(07:59):
I literally did.
I not see that.
I've literally said fromprobably like birth that this
kid's a gross motor kid.
I've literally said that in myjust vernacular and my brain
just never really registeredthat oh, maybe high intense
strengths and gross motor couldmean for this kid I'm not saying
as an assumption or blanketstatement deficit in fine motor.
(08:21):
Other little examples that clueme in.
Sorry that I'm bouncing around,but just you know, when he was
six months old and I was tryingto do baby led weaning, he
didn't have pincher grasp and Iremember feeling really guilty
as a mom, that I was likebasically trying to you know
spoon feed my kid, even thoughthey said that's a no, no, but
he couldn't.
He couldn't do it, so it.
So I was like, okay, well,maybe he's not ready for it.
So I was like trying to helphim eat and learn how to eat,
(08:45):
and he had a very, like you know, trouble grasping things
because he would use, like afist, not the, not your little
fingies.
Um, and again I felt there wasa part of me that felt guilt and
shame of like, oh, there'ssomething wrong with me because
maybe I'm not teaching him wellenough or maybe I'm not exposing
him in the right way.
(09:07):
The other reality with Grant wasthat he wasn't interested in
things that might have morenaturally helped encourage fine
motor.
Like people say, oh, I justwould lay out you know crayons
for my kids to, you know colorand da da da.
Grant to this day and histeachers know this and I laugh
(09:29):
does not care for arts andcrafts, pretty much of any kind.
He does them based on need,like aka having to do it at
school.
At home he maybe picks it upvery occasionally, but he is not
interested, so he's naturallynot inclined to do activities
like that or, frankly, mostanything that really involves
(09:49):
fine motor.
Has he gotten better over theyears?
Of course?
But just kind of giving likelittle insight and examples.
Sorry I'm bouncing around sofast.
Forward to a little bit morerecently.
You may have heard that hestarted pre-K in the fall at my
daughter's school and we wereworking with the PALS team who
(10:14):
would come on site to help givea little support, and our hope
was that he could be at the sameschool with my daughter.
And, long story short, we justrealized he needed a little bit
more support.
So we had to transfer schoolsmid-year, which, to be honest,
was very stressful for myhusband and I.
It's not entirely what we hadwanted.
(10:36):
We of course, want what's bestfor our kids.
I'll just admit that it's just avery challenging emotion when
there's so many things in theair, and the change meant
impacting our schedule a lotmore and something that I
selfishly felt really frustratedabout.
I'm like, of course you know.
(10:56):
So now we're back to the twoschool drop, drop-off,
two-school pickup, and not onlywere they going to be at two
schools in two differentdirections, we were layering in
speech therapy and OT and itfelt very overwhelming.
Long story short, we did makeit through all that and I'll be
(11:17):
the first to admit that when I'mstaring down the barrel of
changes and things like that, Iknow that they seem a lot worse
than when we're actually in them.
Because once we did thetransition and we were in school
, it's like, ok, this is ourlife now, right, and we were in
it and we were doing it, and westill are right and it's fine.
(11:40):
You know what I mean.
Like we're okay, I'm no longer,I don't have this high, intense
feeling of stress and rage andanger or anything like that.
Like you know, like this islife and we're okay, we're good,
right.
So that's what I mean by, likestaring down the barrel.
It always seems worse when theidea of something always seems
worse, even if I know it is alittle frustrating.
Idea of something always seemsworse, even if I know it is a
(12:01):
little frustrating.
So but more recently, this pastweek, he did actually graduate
from speech.
They felt that he they didn't,from the testing that they had
done and all the observationaldata they were taking and
(12:22):
obviously from all theobservation reports I was
sharing and things like that,that he didn't meet the criteria
for any more speech disorders.
But knowing that he was stillgoing to be receiving speech
support at school via his IEPand the speech pathologist there
, we felt like it was a goodplan.
And it seems like so far, theschools aligned, we were sharing
the data back and forth and wealso had a recent IEP meeting
with school.
(12:42):
So, um, it feels weird, aftergoing through so much in less
than six months, to be endingthis additional speech Cause I'm
like I don't know, I just don'twant him to regress.
I mean, I know he's going toget be still getting speech
support at school, but I justI'm nervous.
It's weird.
I'm definitely nervous, but onthe other hand, I'm really glad
(13:05):
that I'm like I get a little bitof my life back on Wednesdays.
You know what I mean.
I don't have to like run overto school, pick him up and take
him over, you know.
So that is a relief.
I know that the work isn't donewith speech, but he has made a
lot of progress there.
There's still a lot of stuffthat we're experiencing at home,
(13:28):
which is why they are alsolooking to put in a behavioral
psych referral to deal with someof the black and white
cognitive, inflexible thinkingissues that we have.
That I feel like, again, verytypical for toddlerisms, right,
Very typical and normal for thisage range.
So sometimes when I'm talkingto peers or friends or family,
(13:51):
they're like, well, isn't thatpretty normal?
I'm like, yeah, it is.
And that's what makes it all sohard to decipher.
And you know, all that we canspeak to is our experience and
the extremes that we have athome, especially, um, especially
in our family unit, and thefrustrations that we have and,
(14:12):
um, I don't know.
I guess all I can say too islike you just got to know in
your gut, like if, if somethingfeels hard and off and and wrong
and beyond your capacity tocontrol chances are like it's
legitimate and may be somethingmore than just the norm.
You know what I mean and that'swhat that's been our experience
(14:36):
with Grant and obviously heloves fiercely, he lives life
fiercely and unfortunatelyprobably takes after me quite a
bit.
Um, even though I didn't havespeech, um, or potty training
issues as a kid, um, I can seehis zest for life and it's,
frankly, it's a beautiful thing,um, and probably why I?
(15:00):
I know that I want to protecthim, that that mama bear in me
for sure.
Um, but yeah, this this week was, was a hard one.
It just felt like you know,from having his IEP meeting to
ending speech.
But I didn't share this yet,having probably one of the worst
speech sessions we've had todate.
(15:20):
Ironically, speech sessionswould go way worse than his OT
sessions, but I feel like we hadbetter success of speech
translating at home versus OTand OT.
My husband would take him tothose sessions so I wouldn't be
there.
So there's always the element oflike is he playing into
(15:43):
antagonizing with mom or leaningin with his attachment with me
more?
I think that's for sure anelement in the room.
But regardless, ot, like hewould just walk in, no issues,
no shyness, and just startplaying.
I mean it's all play therapy.
I mean, frankly, speech isstill play therapy too, but I
think he can feel and sense thework that's verbally happening
(16:07):
and he would just shut down.
And it was hard.
I mean I feel for him.
I know it's not an easy thingfor him emotionally and you know
it's a new environment, it'snew people, you know, and it is
a lot for him to take in havetypically been very difficult
for him and take a lot longer ascompared to my daughter, as you
(16:32):
know, and sometimes hesurprises me, you know,
surprises all of us, you know.
But that's, yeah, that's just,that's just been his experience,
that's been our experience.
So, anyways, but yeah, he'll gointo OT and he looks like he's
having the time of his life.
But yeah, he'll go into OT andhe looks like he's having the
time of his life and he's havingso much fun, and I'll be like,
(16:52):
okay, awesome, so I will go homeand I'll get some like similar
toys that they're doing at OT.
I'm like, okay, let's see if wecan keep practicing this at
home, right, because it's once aweek and he just digs his heels
in.
He's my kid that like he'sstubborn as a mule and when he
doesn't want something he doesnot want something.
I mean, grant lives by Grant'srules.
(17:14):
Everything is based on hisbarometer for life and you can't
make that kid do a damn thing,and that is for sure.
There is, again, probably awonderful side to that, but when
you are a parent to aheadstrong kid, that's all I
(17:36):
have to say.
So, anyways, yeah, we would tryto do some of those play things
and you just couldn't care lessand I'm like you were loving it
and being so wonderfullyparticipative.
And that's just where I thinkall kids probably have that
element of being a wonderfulpeople pleaser, probably at
school, around their peers,maybe in this case with their
therapist, not that he's, like,you know, being fake with them,
(18:00):
right.
But then you know, he goes backto his home environment and he
likes his own toys and his ownstuff, and I get that.
And I was saying to a friend Iwas like, well, maybe I should
like not put away all of his oldtoys but maybe like almost
simulate a little bit like otand just put out the ot like
stuff and see how that goes.
But and then I was like, well,that could be helpful.
But it's also like, to a degree, it's still our home, not that
(18:22):
I'm saying not willing to tomake that like accommodation for
him to try to, you know,simulate that, simulate that and
support that.
But I think, do you thinkthere's an element of like I
still think he needs to find away to be acclimated in his home
and move about his home, um, soI think there's validity on
both sides.
You know what I mean.
So anyways, um, but yeah, allthis to say that our biggest
(18:48):
struggle right now is pottytraining.
He is completely proficient innumber one and not in number two
.
So while speech has ended, othas been extended for another
six more weeks to kind of helpkeep focusing on OT.
Another six more weeks to kindof help keep focusing on OT.
(19:13):
Again same thing Because he'sstruggling with number two.
He again seems compliant whilehe's there in session and then
anytime we try to translate, todo stuff at home, I'm telling
you there is no amount of gentleparenting that seems to get
through this kid and and that'sjust what makes it so difficult
(19:33):
for my husband and I were likeand this is where I think I as a
parent feel like I feel justtapped out because I'm like I I
don't know what else to do.
This is not my area of expertise.
Sure, I have a master's degreein counseling psychology.
It is not specific to this andI feel like it has definitely
(19:55):
helped shape and give me afoundation to know just other
general diagnoses and havinggreat empathy for differences
and being okay with that, but itdoesn't make me feel any more
equipped as a parent and knowinghow to handle these things, you
know.
So I'm relying heavily ontrying to get myself versed with
(20:18):
these other professionals thatknow what they're doing.
So, ironically, I actually hada call today with a pelvic floor
specialist sorry, a pediatricpelvic floor specialist.
Never heard of that before andit was interesting to get her
take on it.
And, to be honest, I hung up thephone and I almost wanted to
(20:39):
cry because she validatedsomething in my soul that I
didn't know that I needed tohear, but she mentioned she was
like Claire, I work with kidsand families like this every
single day and I want you toknow that you're not alone.
And that's not the part thatI'm saying that I needed to hear
, because I kind of expected tohear that she was just saying
(21:02):
that rewards and sticker chartsfor this type of issue don't
seem to work at all and she wasbasically like you don't need to
waste your time with that andbecause I've had so many friends
and peers and family membersyou know suggest things like
that, and I was like, guys, ifit was as easy as that, I swear
(21:26):
to you on God's green earth Iwould have done it and I did and
I literally tried everythinglast year and, to be honest, it
was so frustrating to the pointthat, like I know, like in our
household, you know, we likewanted to get him potty trained
before, you know, potty trainingme like number two before pre-K
(21:46):
this past fall started and Iwas like, and I felt like I was
trying everything and and again,you can't make this kid do
anything, just like you can'tmake an adult do anything.
You certainly can't make atoddler do anything.
And shaming wasn't gonna work,time out wasn't gonna work, and.
But when she mentioned, let youknow, rewards, sticker charts
and all that stuff you knowdoesn't work in this situation,
(22:10):
to be honest, I just I reallydid feel like a massive sense of
relief.
I was like, okay, I've feltthat all along, but I also felt
like I was doing something wrongbecause we weren't making
progress, and I felt frustratedas a parent and you know, I felt
(22:32):
like maybe I had failed andmessed up in some way, you know.
So it's still a road that weare working to navigate and we
are certainly not at the end ofit.
You know, between OT, fine motorpelvic floor, pt and, frankly,
even behavioral psych right,there's so much that's still
(22:57):
kind of going on in our worldand in our life.
So I will be sure to keepgiving you some updates on our
parenting journey.
Again, this is our experience.
On our parenting journey.
Again, this is our experience,and I feel like I threw a lot of
detailed information at you inregards to the history and some
(23:22):
of it I glossed over reallyquickly because I was like I
could probably spend, you know,two hours talking to you in
hyper detail about it.
But think of this as more of mymoment to vent and breathe.
Maybe this plant here will helpgive me some air and some fresh
life, frankly, some sleep.
But all of this to say is, ifyou are a parent of a
neurodivergent kid or of anydiagnoses or not, you know what
(23:45):
I mean.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
You know what I mean.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
And, ironically, I still feellike I am in no way qualified to
speak about this stuff otherthan I'm just out here sharing
my experience.
Because the reality is, I thinkus moms, everyday moms, we
experience enough hardships intrying to be the best parent,
(24:08):
mom, spouse, family member,friend that having these
additional challenges that areoften unseen to the naked eye
when your kid maybe, looks likeseemingly normal.
You know what I mean.
I almost like hate that word,but you know it's a funky thing,
it's a wild ride to be on.
(24:31):
But if you ever want to chatfurther or if you're ever going
through anything similar, pleaseknow that I'm here.
Again, I am not an expertwhatsoever.
Please always refer to your ownpediatrician or therapist or
supports in your life.
But if this resonated with you,feel free to send me a DM, post
a comment below, share thiswith a friend and I hope to talk
(24:54):
to you soon.
Thanks for tuning into thisepisode of Mom Talk, maryland.
If you loved it, leave a review, share it with a friend or tag
me at thecolumbiamom onInstagram.
I'd love to hear what you thinkand don't forget to follow the
show so you never miss anepisode.
Until next time, keep showingup, keep supporting local and
keep being the incredible mom,woman, human that you are.
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