#38 A Meadow of Delight; Filling the Cup of Grief With Rainbows and Sparkles

In this deeply personal episode, recorded in the wake of the Beltane fire, I share reflections on the recent passing of one of my dearest friends - Sophia - a soul woven into the fabric of my life. A Meadow of Delight is a gentle wander through memory, magic, and mourning, honouring the ripples she leaves behind and the light she still casts in my world.

Grief is often feared, tucked away or silenced. But here, we cradle it with reverence. I explore how grief and love are two sides of the same coin. How to fill the cup of sorrow with rainbows, with sparkles, with tenderness. This episode is a ritual, a remembering, and a reminder that the ache of loss is sacred. Join me in celebrating a life lived brightly, and in finding beauty within the breaking.

Listen, pause, breathe—there’s treasure in the tears.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email [e-mail] or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Episode Transcript

(00:31):
The.

(00:55):
Welcome to The Nonsense in theChaos.
I'm your host, Jolie Rose.
Tonight we are going to betalking about grief, so that's a
trigger warning for you.
If this is a subject that youare not interested in talking
about, then absolutely feel freeto skip this episode because

(01:16):
grief is the subject of the day,and I know that this is a
difficult thing to discuss formany people.
If it's something that's nevercrossed your path, then I invite
you to stick around just tolearn a little bit about it.
It's something that probably,almost certainly is going to
cross your path at some point.

(01:37):
It's the beautiful thing thatconnects all of us.
You are either one of the onesthat exit early, in which case
you leave behind the people whogrieve you, or you are going to
be.
Possibly slowly watchingeverybody, you know, at some
point pass away.
And so therefore, the sooner youget used to this feeling and

(01:58):
connect with it and understandit the better really, because
it's good for you to connectwith a, it's good for you to
face it at some point andactually doing a little bit of
preparation prior to it crossingyour path is not a bad thing.
I didn't, I think most peopleput it off as much as they can

(02:21):
and want to put their fingers intheir ears and la and pretend
it's not gonna happen.
But in reality, it's gonnahappen to all of us and it's a
shock to the system.
And actually there are societiesand cultures where it's so much
more part of everyday life, andI think that it's not healthy
the way that we are.
Ignoring it in the West, Ibelieve.

(02:44):
I heard that the reason why weare the way we are about grief
is because of the Second WorldWar, that it was so
overwhelming.
'cause before that, Victoriansused to be obsessed with it.
They would, have photos takenwith the dead.
They would dress people up, theywould spend time with them,
they'd spend time with thecorpse.
There were many things that weredone differently prior to the

(03:05):
Second World War and then secondWorld War.
I just think there was such badPTSD.
Everyone was so overwhelmed byall of the loss and sorrow that
there just wasn't room to put itanywhere.
Which we've undergone a veryslight but similar version of
that in our recent years withthe pandemic in the.

(03:25):
The whole world went through athing that actually had an
incredibly negative effect on anawful lot of people.
And a lot of mental healthissues have come from that.
But it's really difficult totalk about it with anyone
because you've got no idea ifthe person you're going to see
as a therapist or counseling oranything like that, like the
person you're talking to, mighthave had a worse experience than

(03:47):
you.
You've got no idea.
So when there's something ascollective and universal and
experiences the second World Waror the pandemic or something
like this, it does make itdifficult to find somewhere to
turn to because where do youjust don't know if you are gonna
be triggering or the personyou're talking to might have
gone through hell compared towhat you've gone through.

(04:09):
So yeah, it's I think that theshock from the Second World War
put people off of talking aboutgrief.
It changed the habits, it madeit a lot more sanitized and a
lot more at arm's length.
But actually, when you look atMexico in the Day of the Dead
and many other cultures whereit's part of everyday light it's
at least once a year is invitedinto everyday life.

(04:32):
And there's traditions such asthe ancestor meal where I think
this is a Celtic tradition, butit's definitely part of the kind
of more esoteric witchy worldwhere you'll set a table for you
plus your loved ones and youcook their favorite meal and you
sit and eat in silence and yousit together and eat that meal
with your lost ones.

(04:53):
I love that.
I've started doing that.
Really enjoy doing that.
And yeah, there's a few thingsthat I'm gonna share with you
tonight that are experiences or,techniques and models that I use
to work with grief that I'vefound really useful.
So I'm gonna introduce you tosome people writers and sources,
resources, that's the word,resources that I found helpful.

(05:16):
So that's the subject for thispodcast.
And that's your trigger warningand I hope that you want to look
at this square on and explorethis, hard but so beautiful in
so many ways, emotionallandscape with me.
So yeah, welcome to the nonsensein the chaos.

(05:46):
I am going to tell you a storyabout a gorgeous person who
recently passed away.
So her name is Sophia, andSophia means wisdom.
Her father is a druid, he's ahead druid and an intellectual a
philosopher and a writer.
He's written many books.
He's a fabulous person, and hecomes to my moon ceremonies and

(06:10):
I love him to pieces and I'veloved his daughter Sophia and
his other daughter Helen, knownthem for a long time.
I was much closer to Sophia thanany of the rest of the family,
but I also know the mum, Sue.
She's also lovely, and I metSophia because she started going
out with my ex-husband's bestfriend.
So it was one of those foursomerelationships where you all hang

(06:33):
out with each other and you goout for meals together and do
things together and hang out.
Socially.
And so they were together forquite a few years, like three or
four years, and she was justwonderful.
I, I adored her.
I adored them as a couple andreally enjoyed being part of
that foursome together andhanging out with each other.

(06:54):
We just connected immediately ona spiritual level.
She was a beautiful lady.
She had long, curly pre rafflelight hair and big dazzling
eyes.
She had a very sort of wildanimal caught in headlights
filled to her.
She was extremely Kate Bush.
She was the hippie end of thespectrum of Kate Bush.

(07:14):
I once at New Year's Eve, puton.
Kate Bush running up that hillbecause I knew that my
sister-in-law who's also veryKate Bush, but more the
jumpsuits and kind of madeighties avant-garde performance
art side of things she fullythinks that she's Kate Bush and
so did Sophia.
And so I put on running up thathill so that just to witness the

(07:38):
Kate Bush off that I knew wasgoing to ensue.
And lo and behold it did.
And it was so funny'cause theyweren't even aware that the
other one had done it.
Like they just went off and didtheir Kate Bush performances.
One was completely hippie andthe other one was like leg
kicking in the air in ajumpsuit.
And they didn't even realizethat there was anyone else there
being Kate Bush.

(07:58):
And I was dancing around them,comparing them like it was all
in mine, but I was likeindicating to them and pointing
them out and it was brilliant.
I thought it was hilarious.
And so did everyone who watchedit and saw what was going on
and.
She always wore Bindi and shealways wore like SREs and she
always had chains hanging in herhair, and she was just really

(08:20):
lofty and floaty and gorgeous,and she always smelt divine.
And her flat was absolutelybeautiful.
It was full of trinkets.
Like we have quite a similaraesthetic in terms of my house
is absolutely full of madwitchy, bohemian clutter
spiritual clutter.
She was much more into Indianspirituality than my world.

(08:40):
So she was into chakra healingand sound, sound bowl, music
healing and color healing.
And I, when I met her, I wasonly really just getting into
all of this.
So I only fully embraced mycraft as a witch around 2017, I

(09:02):
wanna say, because.
Up until that point, it was verymuch in me.
People had always called me awitch.
I did do spells for people likeas in if someone needed us, like
for me to hold a space for themand for us to do something to
help a situation.
So if someone was feelingemotionally, I.
Distraught about a thing.
They would come to me and say,we could, you, could we do a

(09:23):
ceremony to help this situation,to help my dad in some kind of
situation?
Or there were other things thatpeople came to me for and I'd be
like, okay, and we just make itup on the spot.
It was like a creative act, butit felt, it just always made you
feel like you had a bit morecontrol over something that you
maybe were out of control of.
And also, like I've often saidin podcasts, I think the way I

(09:44):
see spells or yeah, basicallyspells physically doing a thing,
is that you are physicallymoving the world forward in an
outer world way.
So you are making your innerworld desire move forward in
some physical way in the outerworld, and that just gets the
wheels turning.
Even if it's psychologically,it's a placebo thing.
It just gets, it makes it feellike something's happening and

(10:07):
or it's.
It just makes you feel a bitbetter because you feel like
you've got some kind of control.
So it calms your nervous system,which means that you are then
maybe in a better mental spacefor making the right decision or
working through the problem.
So I don't, I'm not w Wawa aboutthis stuff.
I am quite practical about it,but I also see that it works.

(10:30):
And I'd worked with all of thesethings for a long time, but I'd
never learnt my craft.
And it was only when I waswriting a play called Sisterhood
that I have talked about in thepodcast before which was about
three women, 16th century women,one age 21 age, 41 age 60, who
are locked in a church in themorning.
They're gonna face their trialfor witchcraft.
And I was planning to share thesoundscape of that at some

(10:53):
point.
And.
Sophia's involved in thesoundscape.
But when I started researchingsisterhood, I bought a book
called Wicker, the solitarypractitioner by oh, Scott
Cunnings.
I don't know, I'll put it in theshow notes.
He said he did like the 13Commandments I think it is, for

(11:14):
witchcraft, and all of them werethings that I did.
So it was like, think before youspeak, make sure that your words
are in that you recognize thepower of your words that you
look after your body and youlook after your health, that you
connect with nature and followthe cycles of the seasons.
And all of them, I was like yep.
And then the 13th one was, knowyour craft.

(11:36):
And I got to that and I waslike, yeah, I don't know.
I don't actually know that.
I don't, I've never studied anyof this.
I'd never explored it from aplace of study.
I just intuitively followed mynose and been open to, and given
myself permission to be thethings that I was.
But at that point I went, yeah,do you know what, actually it's

(11:56):
about time that I learned all ofthis stuff.
And so astrology I did alreadydo divination.
Tarot and ROEs had come to methroughout my life from a very
young age.
I'd started doing ROEs when Iwas like eight.
So those things were already inme, but astrology, I didn't
know.
I didn't actually know anythingabout.
I'd been very, don't believe init until around then.

(12:17):
And then I started looking intoit more and, yeah, learn how to
dress an altar, learn how tocast a circle, all of these
things that I'd have been doinganyway.
But I just didn't know actuallywhat the techniques were that
you were meant to do that arenot that old.
That's the reason why I hadn'tbothered looking into them much
was because when I had, Irealized that they were quite
recently created, sort of 18,late 18 hundreds, early 19th

(12:41):
century.
And I was like, actually, yeahit's all new.
Can I?
And then I was like, yeah, butthat's still quite a long time
ago.
And it is what practitioners ofthe modern day use.
So it doesn't hurt for me toknow them.
I might then play around withthem because I do believe it's
all about being creative.
And so I then explore and playwith them.

(13:01):
I'm not fixed with any of it,but and I don't believe in it in
a like religious way.
I just thought it would beuseful to know.
And I have found it reallyuseful to learn my craft.
So that was something that Iwent off and did and when I
created this play sisterhood.
I was reading all these booksabout witchcraft and stuff, and
so when I met Sophia, it wasaround that time and she knew

(13:23):
about things like chakras andstuff like that, that I hadn't,
because I went more wicker.
British based, Celtic, paganvibe.
She was much more easternesoteric stuff.
And so she fed loads ofinformation into me and I fed
loads of information to her thatshe was quite excited about
because her dad was a druid andshe, she hadn't really been down

(13:45):
that journey herself.
So yeah, it felt like I wasteaching her stuff that she'd
heard a bit of through her dad,but it was helping her to
understand more what he did andwhat his practices were.
And then I created sisterhoodand she did the sound bowls for
it.
She was amazing at creatingsoundscapes.
And so she would do thesebeautiful prayer bowls,
soundscapes in the background ofus doing sisterhood, which made

(14:06):
it very eerie and spooky.
And then.
She also was involved in thecreation of the La Luna Coven.
So the La Luna Coven is mypublic coven.
It's the open source public,anyone can join Coven that I
create the video content for onYouTube.
It's a Facebook group.

(14:27):
People come to the ceremoniesonline.
It's it's not that locked downin terms of branding.
It's a, in my head that's whatit is.
It's an open source cover thatanyone can be part of and at
different points I've pushed it,it used to have its own
Instagram account and thingslike that.
And then I've just found overthe years, it's easy to just put
everything in one place.
So I do everything throughcareer arts more now.

(14:49):
But La Luna Coven was createdwith Sophia and three other
priestesses and we.
Started off by it being a livething that we used to do in
Brighton as part of the BrightonFringe Festival.
And it was an invitation forpeople to come and be in a coven
for the evening and sphere hadthis key to Sussex Square
Gardens, and we'd let ourselvesinto the gardens and there was a

(15:10):
beautiful circular walled gardenpart of it.
And we'd invite people in andthen we would hold this circle
and we did the four moon phasesof May throughout the Brighton
Fringe Festival the full moon,the Dar moon, but the first
quarter and the third quarter,and associated them with the
seasons and also the ages ofwomen and, all of the different

(15:33):
associations that go with it.
So like the phases of the dayand all that kind of stuff.
Then we, each priestess took athing.
I held it overall as spirit, butthen the other four priestesses
would take one of the ceremoniesand they would put their time
and energy into coming up with,what spells we cast or how we

(15:54):
worked with that energy.
And then I'd just hold the spaceand support them while they did
it.
And Sophia did one of them, andshe did, I think she did the
dark moon.
And we sat there in the dark andwe had this beautiful sound
bowls with her doing the darkmoon.
And it was beautiful.
Yeah, she was the dark moon and,she just has such a wise,
beautiful soul.
And then off the back of that,we also went to Edinburgh.

(16:16):
So she came to Edinburgh withme, with sisterhood and did the
soundscaping for it.
And then we did a tour where wewent to all the places where
Matthew Hopkins, the witchfinder, general torture,
executed witches.
And we would do the play andthen we'd do a cleansing,
healing ceremony there.
And then we created an actualcoven.
So me and Sophia and my friendScarlet and Cara and Josie

(16:39):
created the hedge shark coven,which was named after Sarc.
'cause we began, our first everceremony was here, although this
was when it was just me, Josie,and Cara initially.
And we did a ceremony in Sag andthen we saw five hedgehogs and
we saw five butterflies, I thinkit was.
And we just knew that there wasmeant to be five of us.
And we then initiated Scarletand Sophia into the cover, and

(17:05):
we did it.
Initiation ceremonies for eachof us.
So it was like a wedding, but itwas like us marrying our higher
selves, but also marrying intothe coven.
So she also was like, I'vemarried Sophia in a way.
But she was definitely a sister.
She was my soul sister in termsof being in the coven together
and all the work that we didtogether.
And we had so much fun.
And she was great to be around.
She was really fabulous.

(17:27):
She was very darling and talkeda bit like Joanna Lumley and
we'd have, was very good atmaking cocktails and was
entertaining and was brilliantfun to be at a festival with.
And I just loved her to piecesand I wanted her to be in my
life more.
But she did struggle with mentalhealth issues and the veil was
very thin with Sophia and shecould see entities and had

(17:49):
experiences that were notvisible to people on this plane.
There had been times where thathad been pretty.
Like problematic.
And the veil had got so thinthat it was becoming something
that she could've would've, ifshe'd been snapped up by
someone, be institutionalizedfor the family.

(18:09):
The father especially geared heraway from that because she
probably would've been, she wasvery gentle and sensitive and
spiritual, and I think shewould've been destroyed by that
process.
I think that, I think he wasright in not allowing her to go
down that route, but to justhold space for her to work it
through and with, support.

(18:29):
He knows loads of intellectualsand he knew amazing
psychiatrists who worked morewith spirituality as part of
their practice and worked morein that way.
And I think that was the rightroute for her.
But in recent years she'd had afew episodes and also partners
that were.
That because she was just ahopeless romantic and she

(18:50):
hopelessly fell in love withpeople, which was a beautiful
thing and not something that Ithink anyone should ever stop
themselves from doing.
I think she was a romantic andshe kept falling in love and
they kept being the wrong personand it eventually is what's
killed her.
So that's what's ended upkilling her.
And she just had a relationshipwith someone that was in, wasn't

(19:11):
with the right person.
He was from the sounds ofthings, just nowhere near
emotionally intelligent enoughor non narcissistic enough to
give a damn about her wellbeingto the point that she needed it
to be cared for.
He, it was all about him by thesounds of the situation.

(19:31):
And so when they had an argumentafter he'd already been asked by
the dad to not go anywhere nearher because he could see that.
He wasn't looking after her ortaking care of her.
He ignored the father andcarried on having a relationship
with her and took her off onsome holiday for a month, I
think it was in a van, and theyargued and he went and dumped

(19:54):
her back at the flat, but didn'ttell anyone.
And everyone had said to himthat you need to let us know
what she's doing at all thetime.
Like we need to be in constantcontact because her mental
health isn't well, it wasn't,they're being controlling or,
manipulative or whatever.
It was the, and she had a goodrelationship with them.
She possibly was saying, oh,don't worry, they worry too

(20:14):
much.
But she loved them.
She loved them all and got onreally well with them.
For, she, I don't think shewould've been badmouthing them.
They had made it clear thatthere needed to be radio
contact, that there needed to becommunication so that they just
could make sure that she wasokay.
And, they, this person ignoredit, dumped her at the flat and

(20:35):
then just went off and was like,I don't need to, I don't wanna
speak to you for a bit.
We need a break.
But didn't then let anyone know,and even when family members
then reached out saying, wehaven't heard from her.
We dunno if she's there.
Do you know where she is?
They weren't informed properlythat she was there, so they
didn't know she was there.
And basically she didn't eat anddrink and just died.

(20:59):
It took three weeks or two orthree weeks, we dunno how long,
but it eventually led to herpassing away.
And that's a horrible way to go,is a very slow, drawn out way to
go.
She was probably not having thebest mental experience through
all of that and was probably nothaving, yeah, it was probably a

(21:21):
horrible time.
And it's been heartbreaking tohear.
That's what's happened.
And yeah, it just, it's it blowsmy mind that it's even possible
for that to have happened, to behonest.
As someone who can't evenimagine going a day without
eating food, I can't imaginethat happening.

(21:41):
But, she had very strong voicesthat said things and told things
and ideas of purification andfasting.
And I think, yeah, it just, shejust went with this feeling that
she should just stop.
And I, yeah, I don't know how toprocess that.
It's horrible.

(22:02):
And this is the thing, this iswhy I wanted to talk about
grief, because grief is justtragic and unfair.
And I have a list on my phone ofthe people that I've lost since
2020 and Sophia's number and 18,and.
Only one of those people havedied of old age.
The rest have all died fromunfair reasons that are just,

(22:26):
some of them are as harrowing,some are more harrowing than
that story.
And many of them were young.
Sophia was only 37.
Yeah, lots of them were youngand many of them were very
delicate, sparkly rainbowpeople.
And I feel that the last twoweeks with everything that

(22:49):
happened in the government justfor Beltane and then putting on
Beltane Festival, which wasincredible, and it torrentially
rained for the whole festival.
And then two days after that,finding out that Sophia died has
been so intense.
It's been such an intense coupleof weeks and I felt.
Very close to the edge ofdepression which is an old

(23:12):
friend of mine.
It's something that I was in forseven years a long time ago in
my mid thirties, and I've notslipped into since, but this
year I've felt the edges of itagain.
I feel like it's like a creasewhen you iron a shirt and you
accidentally iron a deep creasein and it's impossible to get
rid of it and you can.
I found that the closest you canget to giving it a full wash and

(23:35):
getting rid of it again, isdoing for passions where you
meditate for 10 days.
That I found really usefulbecause then it was like, okay,
that's actually a buffer betweenme, myself choosing to take my
own life, which I have.
I literally thought about allday, every day for seven years.
That was like a loop orliterally a scratch record in my
head.
That's what I call depression isa scratch record, and my brain

(23:58):
just soon as it was left to itsown devices, just slipped into
this neural pathway and.
When I did a vipasana where Imeditated for 10 days, I could
feel that it was like this ironjust continuously going over the
crease with steam, just ironingit out.
And it was undoing like socialmedia, scrolling and all the
things that we do that tightenup and knot up our ego and get

(24:22):
us caught in this trap ofdepression and negative
thinking.
It does increase all of that,and it's amazing.
So I've always had a sense sincethen that I would go become a
Tibetan monk and meditateforever.
If I ever got to the point whereI felt suicidal again, I'd be
like I'm just gonna go do that.
But I have had, these, I havehad so like the odd suicidal

(24:46):
thought in the last couple ofweeks where I've just been like,
sod this.
Like I'm, I don't wanna be doingthis anymore.
Wouldn't do it.
I love the, but this is thething I.
It just takes a split second ofa decision, but I don't ever get
that close, and it's only justlike a flash of a thought.
I'm really forever grateful forthe love and friendships that I

(25:09):
have.
So I, they will always keep meaway from that cliff edge.
But that cliff edge, once you'veexperienced it, you can smell
it.
It's almost like a, when you'regetting near it basically.
And I can tell when I'm skatingnear to it, and I am, it's
geographically, it's not thatfar away from me at the moment.

(25:30):
And in the last two weeks, I'veskated much closer to the edge
than I have done in years.
And yeah, it's just, it's one ofthose things where it's like.
It's so hard when it happens andpeople do it.
When people say it, orreligiously it's seen as the
most selfish thing you can do.

(25:50):
Of course.
It's not when you are in thatplace, you are not being
selfish.
You are, you want the pain tostop'cause it hurts being an
adult.
It's difficult and it hurts.
And we have you, there's so muchpressure to be successful.
There's so much pressure to beperfect to hit these
expectations that you areputting on yourself.

(26:11):
And sometimes you just think,God, it would just be, if I
ended it now, then it would be atragedy and it, but I wouldn't
be failing anymore.
I wouldn't be, I wouldn't befeeling this pain anymore.
I wouldn't be in the mess thatI'm in.
I wouldn't be as like, it wouldjust stop.
Like for me, sometimes it's the.

(26:33):
Level of chaos that I create inmy life, or the level of
intensity and insanity that I'mjust like, and I could just stop
it.
And so I, I get how these thingshappen and I would never feel
resentful or angry with anyonefor reaching that place.
I totally get how it happens.
I trust myself in that situationthat I won't because I do care

(26:56):
about the people I care aboutand I'm grateful for the support
and love that I get.
But I absolutely can see how, Idon't think she would've meant
to have died.
She just stopped.
She wasn't eating and drinking,but I don't think she thought
that people would leave herthere for three weeks.
It was totally by accident.
No one meant for that to happen.
Of course, everyone now isabsolutely beside themselves

(27:16):
that it happened.
I think she, but obviously onlyafter a short, I dunno how many
days it takes with not drinking,not eating, that you're gonna
be.
Even more delusional and yourbrain will be swelling.
And yeah.
So there would've been a pointwhere she couldn't have helped
herself anyway.
And I don't think she would'veexpected to have got to that
point.

(27:36):
And how do we deal with all ofthis?
Like, how does one process it?
And I have been thinking a lotabout Howard's words from the
previous podcast of I could godown, which is this depression
thing.
I could let it swallow me downthat plug hole.
And when I do, I know how ittook me seven years to get back
out of that.

(27:57):
I don't want to do that.
So I'm trying very hard to avoidthat.
And so then there's the choiceof going back up.
And what's pulling me back uppersonally is that I will make
this world a better place forpeople to live in so that the
glittery, sparkly rainbow soulshave.
Protection, have support, havesafety, compassion, kindness.

(28:22):
And I'm not gonna put too muchpressure on that because
probably gonna lose more.
I know a lot I'm very drawn tosparkly rainbow souls.
That's what I'm drawn to.
I've married one and yeah, Idon't want to get too attached
to that because how many of themcan I lose before that will

(28:42):
break me?
But that is the string that'spulling me up at the moment.
And I widen that to everybody.
It's let's make this world abetter place.
Let, we need to make this worldsafe and beautiful and loving
and kind.
And we are nowhere near throughthe storm yet.
I think the storm is only justbeginning.
And so we've gotta really lookafter each other and work

(29:05):
together to take care of eachother through this journey,
because it's not.
Who knows how I pretty it'sgonna get, but we've seen how
I'm pretty and awful.
It can get, and there are partsof the world as we speak that
are in these kind of levels ofatrocity and despair and pain.

(29:25):
And we have to keep striving tobe better.
We just have to keep strivingand moving forwards.

(29:47):
So grief is complex.
It's beautiful.
There's a book called The WildEdge of Sorrow, and that is the
book that I read when I lost myfirst glittery sparkly best
friend that I lost in 2020called Lee otherwise known as

(30:09):
Sand Crab.
And he's so dear and precious tome and.
Wild Edge of Sorrow was abrilliant book of rituals and
ceremonies and ways of lookingat grief that so helped me
through that process.
So it's one I would recommend toanyone who's in a similar

(30:30):
position or situation at themoment.
And one of the things I rememberfrom it that touched me was
talking about the fabric ofgrief.
That you have your thread, thatwhen grief comes into your life,
you are handed this thread andyou feel completely alone and
isolated.
But actually when you start tofollow that thread and move
forwards, you reach the edges ofthis fabric and you look up and

(30:53):
this fabric reaches out acrossthe whole planet and not just.
Everyone who's here now, itreaches back throughout the
whole of history, throughout thewhole of time.
You could read a story or a bookor a diary entry from someone
hundreds of years ago, athousand years ago who talks
about their grief.
And you could feel that it's thesame grief that you are feeling
that you both lost a son, oryou've both lost a best friend,

(31:16):
or you both lost your partnerand you've, you hear in their
grief the same feeling as you.
And it releases the emotions inyou, and you cry with that
person.
You know it, it's the thing thatbinds us, that unifies us, that
connects us all.
Donald Trump will grieve theloss of his daughter.
He will grieve the loss of hispartner.

(31:37):
Someone will grieve him.
People will grieve him.
We, it doesn't matter who youare.
You will feel grief at somepoint in your life?
I think it's something thatunifies all of us.
I think it would be very rarefor there to be a human that
doesn't feel it.
the more friends you have, andthe more people you know, which
I am aware of at my own expense,the more grief you're gonna

(31:59):
feel.
I didn't really think about thatwhen I was doing my youth.
I have a lot of friends, notbecause like I'm great and
popular, in fact, quite theopposite.
I was not a popular person.
Something that I've foundtriggering being here in the
Channel Islands, where in a wayI'm popular in a I'm inspiring

(32:20):
and I touch a lot of people'slives, but in a way I'm not
popular in the local community,which is more neuron normative
than the Brighton community.
And what I left in Essex was aneuron normative world because I
am slightly neurodivergent.
I dunno exactly how I think I'ma touch autistic.

(32:42):
I think I'm on the spectrum witha DHD that.
When I'm in neuron normativeplaces, I don't quite fit in and
it's quite awkward and clunky.
And I'm the town island weirdo,and so I'm not like mis popular
in the like flicky blonde hairof, whatever name is in Wicked.

(33:04):
I'm more the green witch inWicked, so it's more been that
vibe.
But I am a social butterfly in avery far way.
So I've been a member and am amember of lots of different
groups of friends.
So rather than being thecentral, entrenched person in a
group of friends, I'm the fls inand out and comes and parties

(33:27):
and then disappears again,friend in lots of different
friendship groups.
And that means that I have bestfriends in a myriad of different
friendship groups.
And beyond your best friends,there's the.
Best friends.
And then there's a really goodfriends and people who are
really good mates.
And then there's people I justlike totally connected with

(33:48):
because we had a soulconnection, like Sophia, I'd say
Sophia was never really part ofa friendship group other than
the foursome of my husband, hisbest mate and her being his
partner.
She was then in my initialwitchy world friendship group,
like the Cove.
But out of the coven, she's theone that's been the less

(34:10):
connected to us since she splitup with my friend Darryl.
She went, I, a def and I canunderstand why he had to do a
bit of a separation from me fora bit and then went off with
these people that.
You could sit because of hermental health.
She wasn't very good at stayingin touch with people and she
wasn't very good at stayingcommun communicative.

(34:31):
But we were on a WhatsApp groupand we would chat and we would,
have moments where she'd comeback into my life and she came
to some of the moon ceremoniesand things, and whenever she
did, we always reconnected andit was like nothing had changed.
But she's one of my best friendsand soul sisters and also I have
hardly seen her for five or sixyears.
So there are people throughoutmy life that I've had these deep
connections with or moments withwho I'm not necessarily that

(34:53):
close to now, but who I willgreatly miss when they're gone.
And one of the ways that thiswild edge of sorrow got me
thinking about it was ritual andceremony and creative ways, of
honoring the person but also.
That they're not.

(35:14):
If you are religious, you've gotthat brilliant.
I'm not, I was, I have been aborn again Christian.
I, for me, the somewhere elseover there, vibe doesn't do it
for me.
Also, because, and her fathersaid this in the ceremony, he
can't bear the thought thatshe's in the hands of some
demonic forces because she wasin the hands of demonic forces

(35:37):
here in the outer world.
That's what she was seeing,that's what she was
experiencing.
And she was also experiencing itin the people that she was
picking.
That the thought that maybethese demons took her is
horrible.
So that's actually the heavenand hell thing in that situation
does not bring any sucker orcomfort at all, because that's

(35:58):
not, that doesn't feel like whathappened in that situation, but
that isn't what I feel.
Would happen with her or hashappened with her because I
don't believe in a separateother place.
I believe in us going back intothe mix of this thing.
I don't know at all what's goingon.
My faith is very humble in thatI do her.

(36:19):
I don't know.
I've got no idea.
I like ideas that I've heard of.
You get what you believe inbecause possibly your
consciousness just floats off.
I dunno, it goes into ether andyou.
I dunno if you've ever fainted.
I fainted and had a dream as Ifainted, and I lived a whole
life in the split second that ittook for me to faint and fall
off of a sitting on a washingmachine.

(36:40):
Not in a sexy way, but I wassitting on a washing machine and
fell off the washing machine.
And in that time, I lived awhole life.
And so there's that thing of, itmight even just be the second of
the oxygen leaving your brainand the electrical impulses
leaving your brain, and thenthat is you are dead and you're
gone.
But that moment could last for abillion years.

(37:03):
Like it could last forever.
You have no idea what, how longthat, you know.
So it might be that we have theafterlife that we choose, that
we've created, the one that webelieve in and that we've
created might be what ourconsciousness then, just trips
into and stays in forever.
It is experienced us forever,but.

(37:24):
Actually it was the end of itexisting.
Who knows?
I'm just like, literally I'mpulling these things out the
air.
It could be that it's a computergame and that we're enlightened
beings that have chosen to comehere and that we're playing this
game.
But with that, the reason why Ibelieve in past lives or a allow
that to play out in my beliefsystem is because I don't think
that the end of this lifenecessarily means that you

(37:45):
finished the game and thenyou're out of the game and back
into whatever.
It's, and I don't think thegame's necessarily a game as in
just something to play for thesake of it.
I think it's.
My, my made up faith is thatwe're enlightened beings
choosing to come and have amortal experience to remember or
process or work throughsomething.
So if in an enlightened statewhere you're completely zen,

(38:08):
something does trigger you orsomething happens that you like
grief, like you lose someone andthere's something that you need
to work through or you getheartbroken or something that
you can go through this mortalexperience play or game or
whatever it is to work your waythrough it and that once you've
worked your way through it,you'll go back into this light

(38:30):
enlightens non-physical state.
Having processed it or it, itcould just be something that you
do as a sort of health spa everymillennia you go okay, I'm gonna
go back and have a mortalexperience, whatever that be.
With all of it, I dunno what itis, but I, for me, the being of
Sophia.
For me now is in nature.

(38:51):
That's where she is for me.
I don't see her as in heaven orhell or any of these things.
I see her as being withinnature.
And I've done this with all ofmy friends and they've become
birds specifically.
So I have birds that I associatewith my friend.
So Lee is a gold finch and Idon't see them often such a

(39:12):
treat when I do.
And then there's a beautifulsong, the Goldfinch, which is
part of the Lost Words album.
Robert McFarland wrote the book,the Lost Words, which are the
words that are being lost fromthe English language that are
children's Oxford Englishdictionary that are words about
nature and were being replacedwith words, digital words about
computers and tech.
And one of them was Goldfinchand I, the song came out and I

(39:37):
heard the song.
I think the day that I found outthat he died.
I.
And I can't, I don't reallyremember what triggered him to
be associated with it.
My, I think it was the song.
I think I heard the song and I,it was during lockdown and I
basically spent a load of timedancing round to it and crying.
It was the song that I cried andmoed to.
I couldn't hear it withoutcrying.

(39:57):
I still can't really hear itwithout crying.
And I did a whole dance with himwhere I then felt like he was
there and we were actuallydancing with each other.
And I recorded it.
It's a YouTube video.
It's in my La Luna Coven YouTubeaccount.
And we danced together.
And then when I did thepilgrimages when I finished the
first pilgrimage where me and myex-husband split up, and I

(40:19):
literally, as I was finishing, Iwas crossing the Mary line and
was a, was the end full stop.
It was right at the end, a charmof goldfinches, which is what
the collective noun is for.
Goldfinches flew past me andfluttered by me, and it was
stunning and it was sobeautiful.
It was like Lee just came andsaid, well done.

(40:39):
Well done.
I love you.
You're doing the right thing.
This is all gonna be okay.
And now I do see Goldfinches insarc, not that often, but they
do appear and it's just lovelywhen he does.
But then I've also had a sexymoment with him where at the
last immersion weekend at the.
Commercial weekend.
I don't have a bath in my house,so whenever we do the immersion

(41:00):
weekends at the chilling, Ialways have a sacred bath.
I have a goddess bath and it'sbeautiful and I love it.
And it's filled with candles andcrystals and the girls are used
to me doing it now, and theyspoil me and they put lovely
things in there and it is reallylovely.
And I have this beautiful timeand they often become sexy, like
not always, but they oftenbecome a bit sexy.
And I end up like having a bitof a sexy time and I was just

(41:20):
like rubbing oil over my bodyand was just enjoying my flesh.
And part of, I'll go onto this,but that's been the intel that's
come from another friend whopassed away is to love your body
and enjoy your body and toenjoying and relish this
physical experience.
Because like I say, we areenlightened beings.
This is what I believe in, ofbeing enlightened beings.
Having a physical experience isto enjoy your body, to, this is

(41:42):
so precious.
Sophia's not got a body anymore.
She's still here.
But not in body form.
And yeah, I was doing that andthen the Goldfinch song came on
while I was doing it, and I waslike, Lee, you are not allowed
in here.
Naughty.
And then I was like, oh, rightthen.
And I just, instead of crying tothat song I just arrived around
rubbing oil over myself instead.

(42:04):
And it was like we had a littlepassionate moment together.
And I did, I told DLEafterwards, I was like, I'm
really sorry.
I did have a, like a naughtymoment with me.
And he was like, I can't believeyou cheat on me.
I was like he's not physicallyhere.
But yeah, I did tell Daron aboutit.
And it's the fact that it feelslike people are, like, they're
not alive, but they're stillhere.

(42:26):
The story continues, like Anne,clark who's house I squatted,
never met her, but I've impactedhow her daughter thinks about
life.
How her daughter remembers hermother.
Now people know her story.
Her story has gone all over theworld.
In performance form.
Things have changed.
Her portraits on my wall in soc,she's come to soc.

(42:47):
People are gonna be like, who'sthis drawing of in years to come
when I'm dead and gone?
They're gonna be like, who thehell's this little girl?
She's not from soc, she's fromBrighton.
And her pictures here in, so herlife and her story have
continued.
And Matthew is my other friendthat passed away, was also one
of my absolute best mates.
Married to my friend Heather,one of my best friends.
And he stopped drinking having.

(43:10):
Been drinking way too much.
It was all cheap cider.
He drank like cheap cider'causehe is not wealthy and was
bringing up kids and he was, notdrinking spirits, but he did
drink a big bottle of ciderevery night and would get drunk
on it.
And they were trying to get helpabout it and they were trying to
support him to stop it.
But it, it wasn't addiction, itwas at that level.
Albeit at a very sugary, cheapcider level.

(43:33):
And when he stopped, his bodywas not, yeah, he was prone to
what happened, which was thathis organs shut down.
So all his organs just all shutdown.
So him giving up drinking killedhim and.
That was heartbreaking as well.
Obviously he left behind tworeally young children who

(43:54):
absolutely adored him.
He'd been a stay at home dad.
He was such a goofy, silly,funny man.
And they absolutely adored him.
And it was really heartbreaking.
And I asked him because Lee hadbecome a gold finch, I went out
for a walk.
He died on April Fool's Day, ofcourse.
And Heather had to explain thatit wasn't a joke that he died.
And, I went around and I waswalking around sock and I was

(44:17):
like, what animal do you, whatbird do you want to be?
Then Matthew, and then I saw apheasant feather coming out of
the bush and I was like, oh,amazing.
It was like a beautiful longpheasant feather.
I was like, awesome.
So I went to pick it up and thenI just saw this little BDI
poking up through the grasslooking at me and I was like,
ah, you are attached.
Oh, hello Matthew.
Of course you're a giant gingerbird.
He was a really tall ginger guyand was hilarious and had big

(44:40):
mad bd eyes and literally wasjust like this pheasant.
And so now when I see apheasant, it looks like a big
old ginger Matthew streaking.
That's what it always lookslike.
And I told dizzle that, and he'salways I saw Matthew streaking
today across the field when Iwas doing the washing up.
And he's just part of our lives,like Matthew's part of our lives
in pheasant form.

(45:01):
Dizzle never met Matthew Dizz,never met Lee but will always
know Lee as sand crab and or as,as a gold finch.
And then also we made a fortpillow fort put googly eyes on
it and we called it for FortSand Crab.
And we watched avatar theAirbender, which was Lee's
favorite series and drizzle'sfavorite series.

(45:22):
And we watched that with Lee,the sand crab fort, and loved
that.
And Dle feels like a, the lovechild of Lee.
And Lee's best friend Roe, who'sa dear friend of mine who is
still alive, also used to go outwith Darl many years ago.
And yeah, they were just sobrothers and sisters, they were
so connected.
Lee and Roe Lee was gay.

(45:44):
And Li and Roe, if they'd had achild, would've been dle.
And so I see a lot of Lee indle, which is lovely.
But yeah, my friends who dis hasnever met are part of our lives
and live on through.
Our nature connections with themand Matthew as the pheasant.
On the last pilgrimage that wedid, as we did the closing
ceremony, Scarlet was there andScarlet was friends with Lee and

(46:07):
Matthew.
And so was fully aware of thepheasant thing.
We did the closing ceremony atthe end of the pilgrimage and
this pheasant streaks across ourcircle.
So my first pilgrimage endedwith Lee being there, and my
last fourth pilgrimage endedwith Matthew doing a streak
across it.
And it just, it makes us laugh,we all laughed and it was like

(46:27):
Matthew was there with us andthat was wonderful.
And yeah, Heather had anamazing.
Vision dream with Matthew in it,where he came and visited her.
She said, oh, you're dead.
He said, yes, I know.
Said okay.
Sorry, I a bit abrupt.
What's it like?
He said you can visit whoeveryou want, but if you wanna visit
people that you don't know sowell, if you, celebrities or

(46:48):
anything, it takes a while tosort out.
But he said it's much moreorganized than you'd imagine.
He said, it's really wellorganized, which I'm like nature
is that for me.
Is nature's really wellorganized?
Like nature knows what it'sdoing.
It might seem like madness andchaos to us, but actually nature
fully knows what it's doing and.
Yeah.
So if you are close to andconnected to people, you can see

(47:10):
them easily.
But if you are not so connectedto people, then it takes a bit
more to go and see them.
And he said, but Einstein'sannoyed with me and she went,
why?
And he goes, I've been spendinga lot of time with his sister
and Heather didn't know Einsteinhad a sister.
And he said, she said, are youflirting with Einstein's sister?
And he was like I've just beenhanging out with her.
And then me and Heather lookedat photos of Einstein's sister

(47:31):
and she looks exactly likeHeather.
Like he's got a type ma that wasmad.
And that was interesting becauseHeather didn't know that he had
a sister.
So that was an interesting thingthat made it feel more true.
And then she said, have you gotanything, any advice or anything
you wanna say?
And he said, enjoy having a bodymake the most of having a body.
And because of that, she feltthat he'd given her permission

(47:53):
to have sex with other peopleand have intimacy with other
people again.
And just to live life, and thatwas what he.
He relayed that to her and to usthrough her to enjoy our bodies
and to relish being alive.
And when we finished this finalpilgrimage, that was the upshot
of it.
Like we ended up at this housewhere someone was passing away

(48:15):
and we did this performance andthey really appreciated us
turning up and doing thatbecause the whole place had been
set up for artists and was anartist commune, but they were
all really elderly now.
And it was actually the daughterwho was dying, who'd been
running the place for theseelderly, relatives for her mum
and her friends who were allartists, but really elderly now.

(48:35):
And this daughter had lookedafter them and now she was
dying.
And it was just beautiful thatwe turned up when we did and
they were very celebratory of usdoing that.
And the tarot card I'd pulledfor that last pilgrimage was the
death card.
And yeah, there's something.
There's almost I feel likepartly a calling to do death,
doulaing.

(48:55):
I've looked at and done sometraining in birth Doulaing.
I would like to do some trainingin death, doulaing as well.
But there's something aboutdeath and grief that I find
beautiful and magical andactually like what life's all
about.
'cause there's lots ofphilosophies.
I think the Tibetan Buddhistphilosophy is that life is
training for death and that weare learning how to die.

(49:19):
We are all, we are learning howto die.
That's what life is.
And the Book of the Dead, Ithink that's what that's all
about.
That.
It's learning to relax andthat's what fooling is.
And also working with medicineplants, that moment where you
slip through, I was talkingabout it with Howard, that
mercury slipping through a outof a ve have you ever seen
mercury slip through something?
Slip out of a cup or whatever.

(49:40):
It just slips through and it's,that's like, how can we relax
and not be making it such a tinything?
'cause it will still slip, we'regonna die, whatever, we can't
stop it from happening.
And the more tight and.
Trying to control.
And, and, And I then also seethat with the millionaires and
power hungry nut jobs ruiningthe world and making this world

(50:02):
an awful place, really, they'rescared of death.
That's actually what the problemis.
And because of that, they'retrying to have as much power and
money as they can to somehow tryand cheat it.
And they probably are, they'reprobably creating like AI robots
and downloading theirpersonalities into them so that
there'll be immortals, there'llbe some immortal ai dictator not
job called Trump.

(50:22):
That's a robot.
That is almost certainlyhappening.
I, and I heard it here first.
That is definitely gonna happen.
We're gonna end up with an nuan, an immortal dictator with
Trump's personality in it.
That's an AI robot.
That's what we're gonna end upwith.
And Elon Musk and all thesepeople, that's what they're
gonna do.
So they're gonna download theirfricking personalities into AI
robots.

(50:43):
And then we'll live forever.
But you won't, your mortal formwill still go.
And when we did this ceremonywith Sophia, like as soon as
she, as soon as I heard shepassed, and I'd got over the
initial, shock moment and I waslike, what bird would Sophia be
instantly?
I went Peacock.
Absolutely, obviously.
And I said to Scarlet andScarlet went I thought I'd

(51:04):
already thought exactly the samething.
So she's a peacock, but we don'thave peacocks on sock.
So I also have connected her toswallows because we have
swallows that are here andthey're colorful, beautiful
birds and they've been flying atme and in me and around me, like
right over my head.
Since I found out the sphere hadpassed away, that's not happened
before.
So they've been coming into my,field of vision and making

(51:26):
themselves known.
So it feels like that's herdoing that.
But then also in the ceremonythere was her father and there
were other people linked to herwho shared that they'd seen her
in sun beams and and the moonbeams as well.
'cause the moon beam is a sunbeam just being reflected off
the moon.
And that was really beautiful.
So I'm seeing a, there's a sunbeam on my window ledge right

(51:48):
now looking at me.
And so I feel like she's therein the sun.
And she was so sparkly andcolorful and she was all about
she used to cover things in CDs.
She used to buy old CDs and thenmake covers around.
She had a, what are they called?
Yurt.
A tiny y the smallest yurts youcan get.
And she would fill them insidewith CDs.
But so the back through thehologram bit was what was

(52:09):
reflecting out.
So you just had this mad,reflective rainbow space that
was like a sort of spaceship youthing almost.
And yet always the chakras, allthe rainbow colors.
That's what she was all about.
And there was this beautifulpoem that got read out of the
ceremony that's from JohnO'Donohue, who again Adam Carra
is one of his books, but all ofJohn o' Donahue's books are

(52:31):
incredible.
And listen to his voice.
If you get audio books, you'llget the beautiful Irish accent
reading them, so I won't be ableto do it justice.
'cause his accent's so stunning.
But this poem was read out andthis, yeah.
Reaching out to John o Donahuewisdom is something I would
highly recommend.
It's a blessing.
John o Donahue, on the day whenthe weight dead ends on your

(52:53):
shoulders and you stumble.
May the clay dance to balanceyou.
And when your eyes freeze behindthe gray window and the ghost of
loss gets into you may a flockof colors, indigo, red, green
and Azure blue come to waken inyou.
A meadow of delight when thecanvas phrase in the AK of

(53:17):
thought and a stain of oceanblackens beneath you, may they
come across the waters, a pathof yellow moonlight to bring you
safely home.
May the nourishment of the earthbe yours.
May the clarity of light beyours.
May the fluency of the ocean beyours.

(53:41):
May the protection of theancestors be yours.
And so may a slow wind work.
These words, I.
I just love him.
And that in a nutshell is what Iturn to and what supports me in
these journeys is that they'rehere and then they're not fixed.

(54:06):
It's not the end of the story.
They're still part of the story.
I have so many stories to tellof Matthew and Lee and Anne and
now Sophia, who are not thestories of them being in flesh
and blood.
They're all like, all thestories that I just shared of
how they've moved on and howthey've continued to be involved
and be part of my life.
And I love them so much and Imiss them.

(54:26):
And I'm so sad that they'regone.
And sorrow and grief are.
Mad and love where it feels likesometimes you can just lift this
manhole cover accidentally andjust scoop up this the water
that runs beneath the emotionalriver and drink from it.
And feel emotions as fresh asthe day they happen.

(54:47):
You could suddenly remember alove and connect with a feeling
of love for someone that youhaven't seen for 50 years.
You can drink this water andremember that as fresh as the
day it happened, the grief thatyou feel for the person that
you've lost, and that's alsobeautiful.
Something so beautiful aboutthat.
I'm going to pull aro.
I have already talked for a longtime, so I am not going to spend

(55:09):
too long on the ring, but I,first of all, am going to take
this short break if you enjoythis podcast, then please

(55:31):
consider supporting me onPatreon, which is patreon.com/jo
Ray.
The, I was thinking today abouthow I am a Savannah animal and
how I am currently partly livingin a zoo.
I would say I basically feellike I'm living in a zoo from
having to work in a pub, and Ilove working in a pub.

(55:53):
It's the most savanna feelingjob.
One candy a friend of mine wastalking about me to it was
actually my brother-in-law wassaying to my husband, oh, Jody
says she, does what she does sothat she can do whatever she
wants, but she's got no money.
And what he'd missed, the pointwas that me being able to do
whatever I want, doesn't me meanme having the money to stay in a

(56:13):
hotel or get taxis or go out toposh dinners or jet off on
holiday whenever I feel like Iwould love to be able to do
those things.
But really what freedom means tome and being able to do whatever
I like means to me is gettingout of bed when I feel like it
honoring where I'm at in mymenstrual cycle, taking a day
off and just staying in bed whenI bleed.

(56:36):
Honoring where my menopausal,like premenopausal,
perimenopausal energy levelsare.
So if I need to a mental health,like if I need to just go sit in
the sun all day and read a bookor just chill and do nothing and
sit by the sea and listen to thesea, then I will do that.
Likewise, when I'm feelingreally active and energetic, I

(56:56):
will spend all day doing adminand we'll work till three in the
morning if that's where my beingwants to go.
I, I enjoy doing those thingsand I enjoy it even more when
I'm completely free to do themwhen I want to.
And as an artist, I feel likethat's absolutely key and I need
to be able to do those thingsand I currently can't because I
can't afford to do it.
And I would love this to be myfull-time job.

(57:18):
I would love it to be, I listento the Blind Boy podcast and I
know how much support he getsthrough Patreon and I know that
means that he can make itsfull-time job.
And I'm here now on Wednesdayand that's because I gave myself
permission to have Monday andTuesday off.
I worked all weekend, I wentthrough Chief police being
horrific and having to do allthis government stuff at the

(57:38):
same time as having to do allthe admin and prep and build for
a festival and then went intodoing a festival.
It torrentially rained and itwas such hard work because of
that.
It was gonna be hard workanyway, but it's even more hard
work doing a festival in therain I just I felt so bulldozed
by the whole experience and wasexhausted.

(57:58):
And then at the end of all ofthat, I had to go straight into
Liberation Weekend becausepeople had covered me to do
Beltane.
I had to cover them forLiberation Weekend, and so I
then went straight from takingthe festival down on Tuesday to
working Wednesday, Thursday,Friday, Saturday, Sunday in the
pub.
And so Monday and Tuesday thisweek were the first days I had

(58:19):
off since all of this stuffhappened.
I found out on Wednesday that.
Sophia died and I had to justkeep working.
I had to work and I couldn't notwork.
I couldn't afford to not work,and I also couldn't let people
down.
And so Monday and Tuesday weremy first days off and I relaxed.
And then on Wednesday, which istoday I realized that I hadn't

(58:39):
done a podcast yet.
And so I'm now doing thepodcast.
Now.
I've got worky things that Ineed to do tonight in that I'm
hosting a journalist who's comeover and she's going out to a
thing.
I'm meant to be taking her out.
So I've done this podcast withhopefully as little need for
editing as possible, which hasbeen quite difficult'cause it's
a very, a motive and difficultsubject to be talking about.

(59:00):
And yep, straight back to workagain tomorrow.
Somehow I've gotta try and getthe social media ready so that's
all gonna go out and that thepodcast ready to go on Friday.
If I had thousands ofsupporters, I don't even need it
to be millions, like literallyjust thousands of supporters
giving a pound a month, then Iwould be able to literally do.
This all week and I could makeit perfect and I would have the

(59:23):
money to buy kit.
That's better.
My kit, I thought nearly diedtonight and I was like, I
actually dunno what I'm gonnado.
'cause I haven't got the moneyto replace it.
I don't want to beg, I don'twant to beg.
I want you to support this andgive money because you love it.
That's what I want.
And.
If you can't afford to supportit, and that's just so out of
your reality that you can't, Iwould love you to just share and

(59:47):
tell people about it becausesome of those people might be
able to afford to support it.
And I know I ask this everyweek, but I'm, I really do need
financial help to be able to dothis because I dunno how I'm
gonna manage to get this outthis week.
And I need to be able to have abit of time off.
So that I don't go mad and sothat I've got, the capacity to
do this work.

(01:00:07):
And it's not just putting on apodcast, it's doing the mean
ceremonies and holding space forpeople.
And I'm just trying to get myhead above the water to try and
do what I can to help make thisworld a better place.
I dunno what that means.
I always think it sounds a bitchildish saying it, but I dunno
how else to put it, because it'sso complicated and so complex
and all I can do is just put outwhat I put out and trust that's

(01:00:29):
doing something.
And I am getting responses frompeople saying that it is, it's
not from multitudes.
That's fine.
I don't care if I'm making yourworld better, if this podcast
today, as in some way.
Helped you, has maybe drawn youback from dark thoughts or has
made you reach out to someonethat you've realized is in a
dark place or has helped youthrough a grief process, even if

(01:00:50):
it's just you, then I'm so gladthat I have, and that's what
it's all about, and that's all Icare about.
So I'm doing this work, justputting it out there, hoping
that in some ways it's helpfuland yeah, any support with word
of mouth and or financial.
Will be hugely appreciated.
Something that I charge propermoney for that.
I only do once a year and it'sthe deepest work I do is the

(01:01:12):
Witch Fool You course thatstarts on the Gemini Dark Moon
this month, so in two weeks timeand that's 375 pounds, which is
quite a bit of money.
But I do have slots that are 175pounds for people who are low
earning.
I think you have to put quite abit of a financial commitment
into doing this work becauseotherwise you don't do it

(01:01:33):
properly and you won't get asmuch out of it.
And that I think is true for thefooling as well.
We used to do fooling bydonation, which is how I would
instinctively and like to dothis work.
And I found from years of.
Administrating and producing thefalling work for Jonathan K.
That the people who paid 50 quidto come along and do a workshop

(01:01:53):
messed around, got drunk, didn'tcome in the next day'cause they
were hungover, got a bit of acold, didn't come in just
generally with a pain in theass.
They were always the one thatasked the most questions and
didn't listen to the answers anddidn't read the admin notes that
were sent through.
So they didn't read theitineraries, didn't know where
they were going, didn't knowwhat they were doing.
The people who paid 500 quiddonation off their own backs,

(01:02:14):
who chose to pay 500 quid, theyhad life-changing experiences
that transformed their reality.
And I for years tried to havethat conversation with people,
tried to encourage people to seethat they were putting value.
If you're doing inner worldwork, what value could, I mean
it, you should be paying fivegrand.
There are people out there inthe wellness world who are

(01:02:36):
charging.
4,000 pounds for, or, I metsomeone recently, he's charging
15 grand for something that hedid with me that was good, but
it wasn't, I'd say what I'mdoing is deeper and more
profound than what he was doing.
It was good.
What he did 15 grand.
He said it was worth, I wouldn'tsay it wasn't because it was in
a world work, how can you put avalue on it?
So the fact that I'm saying it's375 quid, actually it could be

(01:03:00):
15 gram.
I'm saying it's that because Ithink you'll get more out of it
if you put that in.
Now, if you can't afford it, I'mabsolutely open to conversations
around it.
So don't see that it's a fixedfee and therefore you can't do
it if it's of interest to youand it's something that you're
like, I really wanna do thisthing, but I can't afford to do
that.
What I'm saying is pay more thanwhat's comfortable now.

(01:03:24):
As someone who's poor, I couldafford 125.
175 is more than what'scomfortable for something that I
would wanna pay for.
But I could, if I care aboutsomething and I wanna do it, I
could definitely pay a hundred.
If it was 125, I could do that.
175 starts gettinguncomfortable.
It's definitely in the realm ofuncomfortable, but it needs to
be that, for it to be worth itfor you to get what you need to
get out of it.

(01:03:45):
And 375, if you have a job andyou've got earnings, that's like
a decent chunk, but it's for amonth, right?
It's a month one course, andthere's a lot to it.
And but you can do it at yourown speed.
It doesn't matter about timeconstraints.
You can do it next year if youwant to.
You could do the course, it willcome to you in real time over a
lunar month, but you, time isnot a constraint because you can

(01:04:09):
do it whenever you want.
It's just that it will berunning over a lunar month and
it'll be influenced by thatlunar month.
But the exercises and the thingsthat are involved in it, you
could do it at anytime you want.
You've got complete freedom, itwill not be going anywhere.
It's content that you'll thenhave and exercises that you'll
then have that you can useforever.
But this work is deep andintense and you will get a lot

(01:04:31):
out of it.
So I say it's worth investingthat money in.
So you need to be quick if youwant to.
There's only a few spaces and itstarts in two weeks.
So if you want to do that, thenemail me at nonsense in the
[e-mail] and I'll sendyou more information.
Or you can go to Korea Arts,K-R-I-Y-A-A-R-T s.co.uk.

(01:04:54):
And there's the, which fool areyou, page on there and it's got
all the information and you canemail me through that to sign
up.
So I hope some of you join meand thank you so much and on
with the show.

(01:05:20):
My room is for today.
Perha potential.
So I think I've had this rebefore it's Lots Cup, it's the
gambling cup.
And when I was doing IVF, thiswas the re of pregnancy and it
was like Schrodinger's, I think.
Yeah, I have talked about thisbefore.
'cause I've said Schrodinger'spregnancy before it felt like

(01:05:42):
the potential that there was ababy there.
And it is, it's Schrodinger'scat.
It's until you open the cup andlook at the Dai that are in
there, you don't know what your,whether you've won or you've
lost, you don't know.
So it's that space of potential.
And I think that's what I'vebeen talking about with the
afterlife, with death with whatdeath leaves me with is the

(01:06:04):
potential for growth.
Really.
It's that what, how you make it.
What you make it mean and howyou work with it is up to you.
Because we don't know until wedie, we can't open that cup and
we can't look inside.
We aren't going to know what'sthere.
Maybe the Christians were rightall along and we are all going

(01:06:26):
to hell in Ahan car and they'reall marching off to the pearl
Gates of heaven.
Maybe we have past lives andfuture lives and we're gonna get
reincarnated.
Maybe we'll worm me.
Who knows what gets you throughthe night?
And so I did a course with acult called Landmark Education
many years ago.
And we created ourselves aspossibilities.

(01:06:47):
And that's what this cup means.
It's potential, but it's thepossibility of something.
And with this course it wascalled the advanced course, and
it was yeah, creating yourselfas a possibility.
We all stood up and said the.
Possibility I create for myselfand my life is the possibility
of.dot.
And we'd gone through like aweek, I think it was of this

(01:07:08):
workshop working on letting goof our stories, letting go of
the story of the baggage so thatwe were a tabular asa so we were
a blank slate.
And it meant that you have acanvas with nothing on it.
So you take off the religionthat your family gave you, and
you take off the culture thatyou're born into and you take
off your fears or grief ortraumas or depression and all

(01:07:31):
the things.
Take them all off.
Take them all off.
So you've just got a blankslate.
What do you want to put on it?
What do you want the afterlifeto be?
How do you want to revere andcelebrate and connect with the
divine?
What is divine to you?
What is it that you love?
What is it that you want thislife to be and to put it on you

(01:07:51):
choose.
You choose.
And so we went through thiswhole process of doing that, and
we then created ourselves as thepossibility.
And the possibility I created isthe possibility I create for
myself and my life is thepossibility of a passionate,
compassionate, and extraordinaryworld.
And that is who I am.

(01:08:11):
And my whole life has come fromthat since.
So that's the lightning rod thatmy reality.
Shoots out from.
So my podcast, my theater, myceremonies, my books, everything
I do comes from this place.
I am striving to make the worlda more passionate,
compassionate, and extraordinaryplace.
And in the face of brutishness,in the face of this cold, hard

(01:08:37):
world, in the face of grief andloss and all the things that are
happening.
That is what I'm a stand for,and I will continue to be a
stand for it.
So create a blank slate.
Choose what you put on it anddecide what's in that cup.
Don't just wait, don't, justdon't just let things happen at
you.
Yeah, you choose what's in thatcup.

(01:08:59):
And I think that's how we choosewhat happens.
Are we gonna shake the dye?
And I feel I have this when I'mgambling, I know when I'm gonna
win.
I, I had it the other day at theMermaid.
We're doing a meat raffle and, Iwas walking around the corner
picking up glasses as thebarmaid, and I heard him say the
number, and as he said it Iheard him read out the number,

(01:09:21):
and in my head I went, Jolie,and he went, Jolie.
And he said it.
And I walked around the cornerand I said to the people who
were strangers sat the table.
I went, I knew he was just aboutto say that.
And then I walked in and I wonmy meet.
And I, every time I ever beat myfriends at poker, there was a
gang of boys that used to dopoker night in Brighton.

(01:09:41):
And twice I beat them all, withthem all going all in against
me.
All of them went all in againstme.
It was extremely satisfying.
I was the only girl that wasever allowed to play.
So I loved it.
When I did win, most of the timeI didn't win and I could tell.
And then there was these timeswhen I just knew I was gonna win
and I did.
And it's.
It for us with this cup, withthe pixel, the universe, we've

(01:10:03):
got to just fully decide we'regonna win.
We've just gotta believe it.
We've gotta believe that we'regonna get through this, that
we're gonna, we're gonna shakethat dice and we're gonna open
it and we're gonna have Meyer,which is two and one, or we're
gonna have two sixes or twofives.
Nothing less than that.
We're not putting up with lessthan that.
We want Maya, we want two andone, but two sixes I'll be happy

(01:10:24):
with as well.
We are gonna have fuckingwinning hand, right?
And even if you don't, you blackit, which is the way that
gambling works.
You black it and you pretendyou've got a two and one in
there.
Even if you're not fullyconvinced that you've got a two
and a one in there, or a doublesix, just flag it.
You say you have and you pass iton.
And that is our reality.
We've got to believe, we've gotto believe that we can make this

(01:10:46):
brilliant.
We've got to live into thepossibility of a better world,
because that's the only way it'sgonna happen.
So no matter what is happening,no matter what's being flung at
you, no matter how dark thedarkness is, shake that cup and
without looking, pass it on andsay it's a beautiful sparkly

(01:11:09):
rainbow moon beam cup, full oflove, compassion, passion, and
extraordinary possibilities.
That is what's in the cup, andthat is all for today.
So thank you.
My loves.
I shall see the anon.