#44 Purification and Intoxication as Teachers

I said at the start of the year that I’d be doing a dry year and listener Gemma Rogers wrote in to ask me how that was going and if I could do a podcast about my experience of having a dry year. Spoiler alert… I didn’t manage it. Listen in as I share my journey with sobriety, and intoxication, working with all the elements of the ride as teachers. 

I’m also aware of the irony that this episode is coming out during the week that I’m at Glastonbury Festival, where I’ll be making the most of the luxuries available to me by being on the Big Big Rock and partying like a mofu, as one can over there. But from July… I’m back on the little rock, and back on the wagon! Watch this space.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email [e-mail] or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Episode Transcript

(00:31):
The.

(00:56):
Welcome to The Nonsense in theChaos.
I'm your host, Jolie Rose.
So I said last week, if anyonewants to suggest a topic for a
podcast to get in touch, and Ihad a message from my friend and
listener, Gemma Rogers.
She said, hi, just listen toyour podcast, which I really

(01:19):
enjoyed.
Thank you, Gemma.
I appreciate that you asked forany suggestions for topics of
interest.
I totally understand it may notbe something you want to do, but
I was wondering if you wouldspeak more about going alcohol
free for a year.
As someone who's drunk andpartied a lot over the years,
I'm wondering how hard it's togive up and you know how
pressurizing it might be fromother people.

(01:40):
I would be super interested tohear your experience, tips,
thoughts of influence ofalcohol.
So it was really good to receivethat because it gave me a bit of
a check-in moment, which.
Okay, so heads up.
I haven't managed to do a yearwithout drinking and I'm having,

(02:02):
yeah, I'm having a reallyinteresting moment where I can
feel that I'm right in the thickof a crunch and it's annoying
that I am because I'm about togo to Glastonbury again and I
love going to Glastonbury and Isee all my lovely friends and I
love them to pieces.
And I, last year I was in acrunch as well, so it is made me

(02:26):
reflect on how.
It's been a year, it's been ayear of crunch, and that's okay.
Like nothing is ever bad aboutany situation that's unfolding.
You have to trust it and go withthe flow.
And there's been much lightwithin this as well, you know,
like, oh, it is, it's mindblowing.

(02:46):
The amount of incredible thingsthat have also happened in the
last year, like walking to anopening boom town.
I mean, it kind of began with dand i, getting married at
Beltane last year was just themost magical thing I've ever
done.
And it, the love was oozing fromeverything like the earth was in

(03:08):
love with us.
It felt like we'd been broughttogether by the pilgrimage.
And yeah, it just felt like theland was fully involved and it
was wonderful.
And then almost straight after Ihad some really shocking news
that completely sent me.
A like, it tops toppled me oversuppose the way of putting it.

(03:31):
But I had said to Dal that whenone gets married, it's as if
you've alerted the archetypes toyour existence.
And everyone I know who's gotmarried within the first year of
it happening, there's been asignificant death or they've had
to move house or somethingreally big like that's happened.
Like you get pregnant or likesomething life changing.

(03:53):
An archetypal happens in thefirst year of you getting
married.
And I told D about this.
And then we got married andwithin a couple of weeks someone
I knew and cared about uh, triedto take their own life and I was
it spam me out.
And then I also had my first bigknock in the experience of being

(04:16):
in the government here on sarcwhere.
Something I did just didn't landwell and suddenly it felt like
the whole island was after mewith pitchforks and it was
terrifying.
And it, and then I, that wasjust before putting on the
festival and putting on thewedding that that happened.
So I was trying to put on thefestival and our wedding with

(04:37):
suddenly this like massivenegative reaction from a large
portion of the population on theisland.
And people made it harder.
Like suddenly everyone was beingless helpful, uh, than they had
been before.
And the children who were veryinvolved in the festival
suddenly didn't really wanna doit anymore.
And it was, it was a reallytough atmosphere to be working

(05:01):
with him.
And my, um, intention for thatyear was the mythos of love.
And I did come away from itfeeling like, wow, actually.
The mythos of love is so, socomplex and complicated compared
to like, love is cruel in manyways.

(05:21):
Love belongs to desire.
And desire is always cruel,which comes from one of the
Sandman comics by Neil Gaman.
I'm gutted that Neil Gaiman'snow problematic'cause his books,
the graphic novels are basicallymy Bible.
So that just makes all of thatquite tricky, which is annoying.
But, um, yeah, again, mythos oflove.
It's like, I love his writing,but there's the complication of

(05:43):
thinking he's a douche bag,which I thought right from the
offset of listening to him onTwitter.
As soon as I start falling onTwitter, I was like, oh, never
meet your heroes.
He's not, he's, I don't likehim.
So I'd been aware that I'dthought that for a while.
But yeah, I'm gutted.
I still do love his, the Sandmancomics and I feel like there's
sort of something that'schanneled and channelings been

(06:04):
the thing that I've beenthinking about lately.
So what I have.
I have an ability to channel.
I don't really ever, I thinkit's probably the first time
I've ever talked about this outloud.
I have an ability to channel Ihave an ability to get out of
the way and let stuff comethrough and it's, it works.
That works and it's good.

(06:26):
That's something I'm really goodat doing.
It doesn't come through andmanifest.
So well in my performing.
Like when I perform, I sort ofhave too much pressure on myself
to be a fool or a clown or anactress or whatever, and it
doesn't come through as well aswhen I'm in a pre priestess role
and I'm channeling divinity,whatever that thing is, I'm

(06:48):
really good at that.
I can play that role reallywell.
I mean, I'm not a bad actor orfool or performer, but I'm not,
I'm not as good as.
People who I think are good.
I'm, I'm it always feels forcedand it's always kind of
uncomfortable to be doing.
I'm not really enjoying it.
I, and it's not like when I'mchanneling, I wouldn't say that
I enjoy it.
Oh no, I suppose I do.

(07:08):
I enjoy it because of the ease.
It just feels like a free flow.
There's complete ease with it.
Whereas when I'm performing andstuff, I have so much pressure
on myself.
'cause I want to be good becauseit's my life's, you know, it's,
it was my calling is what I'vealways wanted to do.
Although I trust the fact thatit led me to what I do do now,
which is more channeling in a Iguess archetypal way or like

(07:30):
spiritual way.
I don't really know what any ofit is, so I don't know.
But that it gave me all thetools to be able to do that.
So that's all a good thing.
But I don't, yeah, I definitelycared more about the theater
world and that had more pressureon it, and so it was less easy
and fun.
And yeah, it seemed like withcreating this mythos of love, it

(07:54):
put me through this real ringerof love experiences where I had
the absolute highs, but not thatabsolute lows.
There's definitely worse placesyou could go to in the depth of
all that, but there was hate.
There has been some hate andanger and stuff within that.
I mean really if you pull itthrough to this year as well.

(08:14):
So my intention for this yearwas the mythos of sound, and I
wanted to try and free my voiceand express my voice and yeah,
learn to be more, sing better.
And I did the Neti Gomezworkshop, which did unleash a
load of stuff and made me veryemotional and got me yeah, got
me into places that I didn't.

(08:38):
Well, I, I did know we're there.
They are there.
It happens every time I try andsing.
It's, it's my biggest block,like singing.
Just don't make my voice gofunny.
Like it is my biggest block.
Weirdly, I find wearing lapislite again, I'm not like, I love
crystals and I love working withthe energy of crystals.
I have them all around me and Iknow what energy they're meant

(08:58):
to give off.
And in a way I feel that, but Iactually do have a clearer voice
when I'm wearing lapis lali,which is so weird is, and I, it
might just be psychological, butwith all of these things, I'm so
happy for placebo to, to do itsthing because for me, as a
theater maker.
All theater is a form of placeboand all placebos a form of

(09:21):
theater.
And that was the only medicinewe had before we had medicine.
And it's actually a verypowerful medicine.
And our whole reality anddelirium and dream and fake news
madness that we are living in isall a placebo.
It's all if you invest yourbelief in it.
I'm just in awe and gobsmackedabout how mad the world is about

(09:43):
to become and is alreadybecoming through ai.
Because you know, like wenoticed that a coffee sign
that's up outside the, one ofthe pubs on the island is an AI
generated sign.
So one of the coffees is calledtext and another one's just a
bunch of symbols and the creamcoffee's black and it's, it's
just made up.
And it's like, this is just ourreality now.

(10:03):
Like signs that don't meananything, that are just jumble,
that are nonsense.
And, and in a way it's betterthat we can tell'cause it's
gonna get scarier when we can'ttell, I dunno.
It is mad.
I'm not absolutely against itall.
I'm, I also just think, justnothing to do about, it's
happening.
It's happening whether we likeit or not.
We just gotta like strap in andsee what happens.

(10:24):
And that's how I feel about lifein general.
So the whole thing's mad andit's happening whether we like
it or not.
So just strap in and put yourhands in the air and scream and
yeah, that's what's basicallyhappened this year.
So I had this mad.
Moment with Beltane last yearthat went through this whole

(10:44):
journey and I got anxiety forthe first time or the first time
that I named it and noticed it.
Yeah, I think it's somethingthat younger generations have
been able to teach me as a, anolder person now.
Like I'm definitely in themiddle-aged area and when I
first heard about like all theanxiety and neurological

(11:08):
conditions and stuff that peoplewere living with, I.
Definitely had a bit of asnowflake ness to me.
I'm just like, oh, come on.
Like, we just, I, I didn't mean,when I thought about it
collectively in a political way,I was very supportive.
I'm always supportive of wherepeople are at.
But with my actual friends whowere younger, I was always like,
come on, you're, you aregorgeous.

(11:29):
What are you talking about?
What you, what are you talkingabout?
You've got anxiety or your, youknow, low self-esteem.
Like you are actually beautiful.
What are you talking about?
And then I realized what panicattacks and anxiety are, and
that I'd been having themforever and I'd just been coping
with them and had been livingwith them because I hadn't named
them and I didn't realize that'swhat they were talking about.

(11:49):
And when I realized that's whatthey were talking about, I
suddenly realized that that'swhat those things were that I
was having.
And yes, I had.
Coped with them and stuff, butit hadn't been pleasant.
And actually it's a bit likewhen you realize that you can
take renis for acid indigestionand you do and you're like, oh
my God, why was I putting upwith acid indigestion all these
years?

(12:10):
I took a beta blocker for thefirst time last year when I,
'cause I was in a full blownpanic attack for a week after
the political thing had happenedon the island that had freaked
me out.
And, um, and I literally, Icouldn't sleep.
I was just, I was in highanxiety for over a week and I
took a beta blocker and itcompletely went away.

(12:31):
And it was just, and it doesn'treally do anything well, it
didn't for me do anythingpsychologically.
I'm also not promoting any ofthese things.
I was just surprised at inmyself how useful it was in that
moment.
I actually had a friend atuniversity die from an anxiety
attacks and I only realized thatrecently'cause he, he would talk
about these harp palpitations,panic attacks that he had, but
he didn't have the language forit.

(12:51):
And we didn't understand what hewas talking about.
And he died of a heartcondition, um, later on.
So it might have been, he alsohad a heart condition.
But yeah, he would like, we'dhave to sometimes walk to go and
meet him from the bus stopbecause he'd just suddenly
frozen at the bus stop having apanic attack.
And we were, it wasn't, weweren't meaning to be
dismissive, but we were like,come on, this is all in your

(13:12):
head.
Stop it.
And yeah, I, I think there's,it's really good that there's a
lot more sympathy and supportfor.
And language surrounding thesethings.
I think there's also, it's,there's problems with how
prolific and, you know,sometimes labeling isn't useful,
but there's a lot that is usefulabout it.
I mean, for me it's been usefulto go, ah, that's what that

(13:33):
thing is that they're talkingabout.
Oh yeah, I can, maybe work withit in the ways that these
younger people have been doingand that might be helpful.
And, uh, yeah, I got really goodtips from them and it just, it
just changed everything.
I was like, oh, right, thankyou.
Like, sorry, I was being sodismissive of it before and that

(13:53):
was really useful.
So that was a useful journey andinteresting journey to go on.
And then over the last year I'velearn to cope with those panic
situations.
'cause I've had more of them.
I've had more difficult momentsbeing in government to the point
where.
My life was almost destroyedearlier this year.
So building up to Beltane againthis year.

(14:14):
It went really full on, but itthen was interesting and
exciting in a different waybecause it felt like I was
fighting the tendrils of theTrump administration essence.
Like if it was a tree, thelittle mycelium root network,
like the furthest reaches, Imean, we couldn't be more

(14:36):
further than we are theliterally the furthest reaches
here.
But the tendrils of it and theattitudes and the tools and kind
of psychological weaponry thatwas being used was very similar.
And I can't go up against Trump,but I could go up against the
immediate experience of Trump usin front of me.
And I did.

(14:56):
And we won, which was great.
It doesn't feel that victorious.
Something about it doesn't feelvictorious because there's
something about it that's scary.
I guess.
It's scary because.
It is still there, the tree'sstill there.
We might have beaten that onelittle fiber in front of us, but
also that fibers could comeback.
Do you know what I mean?
Like it's not, it's not ahundred percent safe.

(15:17):
And this was then mixed withputting on Beltane and it
pouring with rain on the day,which was just exhausting in
itself.
And yeah, financially has beena, a hit for the festival.
And then and then my friendsfear died two days afterwards
and I've given myself loads ofspace to grieve.

(15:39):
I've been very openly grievingand it has been, it's been a
process that I'm used to,'causeI've lost so many people since
2020.
But this one has been stickier.
It's been a really sticky grief.
And I.
I've my executive function hasgone out the window completely

(16:01):
like even today.
And now I also get dyspraxicwhen I'm, my period's due and,
uh, today I've cut my finger onglass.
I literally did everything inthe wrong order.
I've knocked things over.
I just got to the point where dbasically had to come and just
do everything for me because Iwas just like, everything I
touched and breaking, I'mhurting myself.
I can't do anything anymore.

(16:22):
Could you help me?
He's wonderful and he completelylooks after me and has absolute,
like he said, they're not yourperiods, that are periods, which
I love and he fully supports mydifferent hormone journeys.
But yeah I'm.
Aware that sort of on thesurface level, I feel fine.

(16:42):
I'm all right.
But on the deeper level, I'mnot, and this is a long-winded
way of saying I haven't managedto not drink with you.
I did manage up until Beltane upuntil May, and then on the
weekend a Beltane I drank andthen I didn't drink again until
so I drank at Beltane, and thenI drank at a wedding.

(17:08):
I drank at the wedding that Iwent to recently.
And then.
I've been drinking a little bithere and there.
Like I had half a bottle of, Imean we didn't even finish it.
We opened a bottle of bubblylast night for a meal that I
cooked for some friends who cameover and we had a sauna to say
thank you for all the help theygave us over belting'cause they
were amazing.
And we had two glasses ofbubbles each, and then didn't

(17:30):
finish the bottle and thenstopped drinking and drank caco
and had a sauna.
So I did like five monthswithout drinking and then I'm
not drinking much.
I mean, I'm gonna drink atGlastonbury probably this
weekend.
Well, they, to be fair, I can'treally afford to.
And that, that's beenfrustrating'cause I thought that

(17:51):
by not drinking, I'd have loadsof money and that didn't happen.
And yeah, when it got toBeltane, the reaction I had was
what was annoying as I startedsmoking, I'm annoyed that
happened.
In a way it's been good becauseI am.
Fully addicted again, whichsounds like a strange thing to
be good, but what had beenhappening before is I've always,

(18:14):
I started smoking when I was 10and I started giving up smoking
when I was 19.
And I've been giving up eversince then.
And I've gone through reallylong periods of not smoking,
like six years, five years, fouryears.
I've done huge stints.
I mainly haven't smoked.
I think most people who know methink of me as a non-smoker.
Possibly not.
They might say you are deluded,but I think on the whole, people

(18:36):
think of me as a non-smoker.
I am on the, on the whole, but Iwill slip in and out of it
occasionally.
And what my norm was that Iwould slip into it, have to
like.
Uh, kind of scratch the itch.
So I would smoke for a week ortwo and I'd smoke properly for a
week or two, and then I wouldgive up again.

(18:56):
And I'm, I find giving up reallyeasy in theory struggling at the
moment.
So I would give up and thenwouldn't smoke again for ages.
But what happened recently sinceI moved to sarc,'cause Sark is
like the nineties, so everythinghere is as if you're in the
nineties.
And so everyone here smokes in away that people don't in the uk.
So it was easy for me to notsmoke in the UK in recent years,

(19:18):
pretty much since the smokingban because people weren't
smoking around me all the time,and I could easily and happily
not smoke.
Whereas here everyone's, and we,we can't smoke in the pubs, but
everyone's smoking, everybodysmokes, and.
And so, yeah, it feels like thenineties we're listening to
Oasis playing pool and smokingand drinking cheap booze.
So it is very difficult to notslip into that.

(19:41):
And I'd unfortunately learn tosocially smoke, which I'd never
been able to do before, wherejust when I drank, I would have
a smoke and I'd, years ago I'dmade a very conscious effort to
not associate smoking withbooze.
And so I hadn't done, myAchilles heel was if I was
smoking a, an interestingcigarette and that would, I
would smoke it because it was aninteresting one.

(20:03):
And then I would get addicted tothe tobacco and I would, it
would be the same pattern whereI'd have like just a little go,
and then about a week or twolater, and it could be two or
three weeks later, I'd haveanother oh yeah, I'll have
another bit of that.
And then.
A week later, I'll have a bit ofthat, and then I'll be like, I
don't actually want to be notsober, and so I'm gonna just

(20:24):
smoke the cigarette instead.
And then, and that was how italways got me before.
So I associated it that wayrather than with booze.
And then suddenly, since I'velived here, I was finding that I
could just smoke when I drank,but then not smoke in between.
But I was drinking quiteregularly.
So I was still smoking quiteregularly, but I just wasn't

(20:44):
smoking when I wasn't drinking.
And then at Beltane this year, Iwas so overwhelmed by everything
that was happening.
I just said, I need a fag.
And I had a fag.
I really wish I hadn't.
And it wasn't even, I wasn'teven drunk.
I just did it.
And then I've been absolutelyfull blown addicted.
More like I was more in I mean,I'm thinking the nineties, I

(21:08):
think when I read the Alan Carrbook, I feel like that level of
addicted.
I first read the Alan Carr book,when I was 19.
I was living 18, 19 when I wasliving in Sydney, Australia.
And it was not long after thatthat I went and did Ayahuasca,

(21:31):
uh, with my lovely shaman Kahui,who I adore from Columbia.
And he told me how tobacco isthe most powerful of all of the.
Spirit medicine plants, andplants all have spirit and
medicine.
Plants have kind of strongerspirits and have something to
give and share and are sort ofcommunicating and connecting

(21:53):
with.
Us and with animals and, andother things that use them for
medicine, work with them formedicine.
And he said that the top of thepower pyramid of plants was
tobacco.
And he said, and I wassurprised, and he said, well,
look, look at the power it hasover the world.
Look how far reaching it is, andI've thought that before about

(22:14):
wheat, which I've talked aboutin the podcast before, that
wheat domesticated humans andit's the most prolific life
force on the planet.
Living thing on the planet, andbenefits significantly from us
farming it, whereas we don'tbenefit from.
Being suddenly having to workand getting a lot less nutrition
than we used to.
You know, we're, we are nowbound to capitalism because of

(22:36):
wheat.
Wheat got us there in the firstplace and yeah, wheat used to be
the first money was the originalmoney.
So wheat got us into those mouthand uh, yeah, tobacco is the
strongest of all the spiritplants.
So when I think of tobacco, Ithink of its being and its
essence and its archetype and.
And as a personification, Ithink of it as a relationship

(22:58):
between me and this thing thathas its tendrils in me or has
its hooks in me.
I.
But um.
I feel like when I give up thistime, I'll be like, and don't
ever do it again.
And I can't ever say that I willnever do it again, but I feel
like I will be more rigorouswith not doing it again.
'cause I feel like I've gotmyself into a bit of a pickle
with it.

(23:18):
Sorry.
We interrupt this podcast for ashort, little delicious, silky
temperatures fag break.

(23:43):
I um, addiction.
I am desire, and desire isalways cruel.
Worship at my altar.
You can't resist.

(24:05):
You are drawn to me like mothsto a flame.
You can't help yourself.
I am want incarnate.
I am your body aching andneeding, even though you know I

(24:30):
am poisonous, I am going to beyour demise, but you cannot.
And will not resist me.
There might be a bit of a noisein the background'cause uh, it's
daytime.

(24:51):
I normally record in the eveningand Dizzle just got in the
shower and I can hear the noiseof it, so you might hear a pump
noise in the background.
So yeah, I, I started smokingand then I started drinking at
Beltane and I've been, yeah, Ihaven't been drinking much.
And I, I needed it for therelease, but what was useful,

(25:14):
Gemma, and I appreciate youasking me, was you saying that
to me and asking me, made methink, right.
I'm gonna do a check-in withwhat's My intentions were for
this year.
So the reason why I didn't wannadrink this year and to not smoke
was because this is a nine yearin numerology, and nine is the
number of purification in thealchemical process.
So this is what, how I wasthinking of it, was that 10 is

(25:37):
the year where your magic, yourpower gets actualized.
So you turn the lead and theshit into gold next year.
Next year is the 10 year, and 10is a fab number and a fab energy
to be in.
And this is the nine energy,which is really subtle and
really mystic.
And I'd say like the, the yearof it's magic, it's a, a really

(26:01):
magical year.
Lots of masters die in a nineyear, so the last time we had a
nine year was the year thatDavid Bowie and everyone died.
And we've had a lot of mastersdie this year as well.
We've had a lot of famouspeople, special, you know,
important people.
Die and move on.
And what it does is it's likethey've gone up a level and it

(26:22):
gives space for other people togo up a level.
There's an element of that andwe're, yeah, it's a year for us
to kind of purify our equipmentand our apparatus before doing
the big thing next year.
And that's all great.
And then I'm, I'm personallyhaving a seven year, so you add

(26:43):
your birthday together, your,the day, the month, the year,
and then you add it to the year,which 2025 and I'm mine's seven
and I'm having seven.
Year seven is the number ofprosperity and.
When I look at the like, yeah,so nine is the master of all
systems.
It's just like you're fullyready to do the magic, which

(27:06):
happens next year, but this isalmost the magic happening.
So this is almost like thepurification the magic occurs in
the next year is the year whereyou get the gold.
And yet seven years the year ofprosperity.
I got my, um, I get a readingevery year from someone called
um, uh, Remington Donovan, andI've just messaged him to see
whether I can interview him forthe podcast.

(27:27):
'cause I think he would bereally interesting to speak to
for various reasons, which I'llget onto in a second.
But, um, yeah, this is your yearof prosperity and.
I, I got this out'cause I, I geta report, a numerology report
from him every year.
And I got it out today to have alook at in response to Gemma's
question.
'cause I was just like, we'rehalfway through the year and I

(27:48):
haven't, well, I'm I feel likeI'm in the thick of not doing
what I was meant to do thisyear.
So from January to May, I did mymorning practice every day,
which is yoga and meditation.
And I was, I was doing thepurification thing.
I wasn't drinking.
What I found though was that Iam a workaholic more than I'm an

(28:08):
alcoholic.
'cause I don't really have adrinking problem.
Like I don't drink too much, butI do, well, I've been drinking
more since moving here becauseSARC is a really boozy place.
When I first moved here, I gotin touch with my friends who
work at the Tudor reenactmentthat I work at Kenmore Hall
where.
Where we are.
Very much a drinky thing there.

(28:29):
Like when I went to GlastonburyFestival, I thought that we
would act like we do atKentwell, where people sit
around campfires and sing, butthey don't.
And at Glastonbury it's, youknow, party, party, party
hedonism and people do sitaround the fire a bit, but like,
it's not, that's not whathappens.
This place, Kenmore Hall is theonly place I ever go to where we

(28:50):
sit around fires and we justsing.
And that's what what we do.
And it's totally boozeorientated.
It isn't party hedonism.
It's absolutely booze and, bitof smoke, but that's it.
And um, and it's just reallychill and, but it's so boozy.
Like we will fill a boot withalcohol and then.

(29:12):
I think that's gonna last us theweek and then three days later
have to go back and get more.
And it's like, oh, it's reallyfunny.
But we all, it is a bit much.
And then when I moved to sarc, Igot in touch with my friends
from the Tudor thing and I waslike, oh my God, everyone drinks
like we do at Kentwell, but allthe time and forever.
And they were like, you're gonnadie.
And I went, yeah, I know.

(29:33):
So I have been purposefully notdrinking very much here because
I, I can, I can't keep up withthe level of drinking that
people do here and I do not wishto.
And I know that it's not safe.
It has calmed downsignificantly.
cause we now have prescriptioncannabis that you, you get as a
prescription.
I think you get the same inEngland.

(29:54):
But I think because in Englandit's easy to get a hold of
without having to get it onprescription.
And I think it's more expensiveon prescription that people,
most people I think don't evennecessarily know that you can
get it on prescription.
'cause it's, it's not really of.
Interest or use because you canget it anyway.
Whereas here you can't get it.

(30:14):
'Cause it's a, um, pirate route,you know, it's a, a smuggling
route.
And so the whole reason theChannel Island exists is because
Queen Elizabeth, I, I saidsomeone go and stop those
pirates from robbing our boatsevery time we go backwards and
forwards to Europe.
And so the whole premise of theChannel Islands is to stop
smuggling and the laws and thepunishments are severe here for

(30:37):
any, anyone getting caught withanything.
And so when I moved here,literally it was just didn't
exist.
It was gold dust, you know, noone had anything other than
alcohol.
And so people were drinking likeit was.
The only party option there was,which it was.
And every summer I would belooking after lads who would've

(30:59):
definitely been smokers in theuk who were just doing shots
after shots after shots who werefeeling suicidal.
'cause it's a depressant.
And they were just, because outtheir minds.
And so since prescriptioncannabis has come in and most of
those people have been able toget prescriptions for it people
drink absolutely significantlyless.

(31:20):
Like we didn't have a day wherewe didn't do shots before when I
first started working here.
Whereas now it's only if someonestarts doing shots that other
people then do it.
But we'll go nights, I can goweeks without doing shots,
pouring out shots for people.
And there's been a hell of a lotless violence.
So, yeah, I just think it's,it's noticeable what a change
it's made.
And, um, and I'm, I think it's areally good thing.

(31:42):
And, yeah, with myself, I justhave kept a check on it by
making sure I don't drink muchand I just, I was interested to
challenge myself to doing yearwithout drinking.
I'm not disappointed.
I'm kind of surprised.
Well, no, so what I noticed,this was the workaholic thing,
was I realized that I have apropensity to work too much.

(32:04):
And when I didn't have the offswitch of alcohol, I basically
just worked continuously to thepoint where I spent a weekend
where I worked till like one,two in the morning every night
for two days in a row.
And I used to do that all thetime.
Um, when I was in my twenties, Iput a stop to myself doing that.
I made myself stop at fiveo'clock.

(32:25):
I used to just work all night.
And yeah, I basically slippedinto doing that this year.
And when it got to, I.
The point where I had a drink, Iwas like shaking.
I was shaking from the amount ofstuff that was going on, and it
was really, it was reallyshocking, my nerves to pieces.
And literally someone just saidto me, you, you just need to

(32:48):
drink and relax.
And I was like, I actually do.
I actually really do.
And I had a glass of wine and Ijust, my body just relaxed and I
needed it.
So this is difficult because Iwant to support people with not
drinking.
And what I would like to do is,find a way of doing this without
having to lean on bees, which iswhat I have come back to and

(33:08):
where I'm at.
So I'm not, because I, I brokethe thing.
I, I had a drink and I then justwanted to drink that weekend.
I was just like, that's what I'mdoing, rather than beating
myself up and feeling bad aboutit.
I am.
I'm giving myself pockets oftime where I'm gonna drink, and
then I'm going to not drinkagain for a chunk of time.

(33:29):
And I, like I said, I don'tdrink that much anyway, so it's
not, it's not like I'm concernedabout my like it as an
addiction.
And I think the only thing Icould say about advice for
people giving up drinking isyou've gotta find your way
through it.
My friend, who was a full-blownalcoholic had to, she went and
spent loads of money on rehabcenters and all these things,

(33:49):
and they were just too softly,softly, and they didn't help.
She was absolutely 100%.
I didn't think she was comingback.
She was full-blown, and I didn'tthink she was coming back.
And in the end, the only thingthat worked for her was to go
into hospital with the NHS.
And they literally strapped herto a bed, had the drips going
in, and they were like, youknow, this is gonna be bad for
your body.
Your body's going to we need tomonitor you, we need to make

(34:11):
sure you're okay.
And they literally Turkey dryturkeyed her and had to, sustain
her body through the process ofit.
Cold Turkey, her is the word I'mtrying to say.
And they did.
And she's come through andshe's, she's physically affected
by it, definitely.
But I didn't think she was gonnasurvive.
I, I'm so proud of her.

(34:31):
I'm so, so proud of her.
And yeah, she's back.
We've got her back.
And it was the most amazingthing because she kept saying
she was back before, and youcould tell she was wasn't, it
wasn't true.
And then when you actually sawher and it's like, oh no, you
are here.
You are actually here.
It's a horrible journey and it'sthe only drug I've lost people
to, you know, having lived inBrighton and all, all the

(34:55):
plethora of nonsense that's outthere.
I've had some other people goalong the way from various
things and incidents and stuff,but, I feel like they were sort
of the people that you wouldexpect it was gonna happen with
and too, and it was almost likemore to do with being young and

(35:15):
silly if you got what I mean.
Whereas to actually killyourself through a poison takes
time.
And the only one that peoplehave stuck at that I'm friends
with, it's gonna be differentfor other people.
But the only one that peoplehave found the impossible to
walk away from has been booze.
And that's been the one that'skilled a couple of my friends

(35:35):
now.
And so, yeah, you just, I justthink it's, um, the most
dangerous of all the drugs to befair.
And yeah I do feel like I have ahealthy relationship with it.
But what I want to explore anddevelop is to.
Not need drink to be the thingthat relaxes me so that I don't

(35:57):
then work too much.
'cause work is my issueotherwise.
So that is something for me toexplore.
And it was interesting'causewhen I was looking at the
numerology report, it's beengood'cause I really appreciate
you Gemma asking me thisquestion'cause it's made me
check in and it's with all thesethings, with everything, don't
beat yourself up.
Like, I have to not beat myselfup for where I'm at.

(36:20):
I, I can't believe I'm smoking.
I've been smoking since Beltaneand I'm so full blown addicted
and I know that I will give up.
Uh, I won't be able to give upbefore Glastonbury.
I'm about to go to GlastonburyFestival, so I'm accepting the
fact that I'm gonna smoke tillthe end of the month and then
I'm gonna stop in July and I'llstop drinking as well and give
myself that time becauseactually I.

(36:42):
From July, I will need to be infull blown training for the
pilgrimage in September.
So then it gives me July, Augustto get fit and healthy for
walking September and October.
And for me, that will be givingup wheat, dairy, and sugar, not
smoking, not drinking, going forlike going for it with exercise.

(37:03):
And that will include me goingto BoomTown.
But I stay sober for BoomTownbecause I'm dealing with really
delicate work at BoomTown and Idon't wanna mess people up.
There is ke well, and that'slike another place where I like
to drink and, and smokegenerally, but I'm gonna attempt
not to.

(37:23):
And then I would've done most ofthe year.
So I would've basically had aMay and June that were the
naughty months, and then Iwould've done 10 months out of a
year.
So that's what I'm.
Recreating having looked at myYeah.
Report'cause the report's forseven year and this is your year
of prosperity.
And again, I'm the least wealthyI've ever been in my entire

(37:46):
life.
And to the point where the Yeah,I mean, I've been talking about
it.
The, the thing is, is I've beentrying to be really jolly in my
podcast.
'cause I'm like, I just thinkthat people don't wanna listen.
And I have noticed that there'sbeen a bit of a tail off in
listeners and, but I also needto be real.
I need to be authentic.
I can't pretend and just put ona happy clappy show for when

(38:10):
it's a lie.
And I'm not, not okay, but I'mnot all bells and whistles.
Okay?
I'm in the middle of a process.
I'm in the middle of grief.
I've lost executive function.
I am in the PMT stage of mycycle, but that.
That happens all the time.
Um, but it means that the glumundertone of what's what I can

(38:33):
gloss over at other parts of mycycle, I'm less able to gloss
over at this point in my cycle,which is why I love working with
my period cycles.
Because you can't lie, you can'tlie to yourself.
You can for a week and then, andyou can be like fabulous for, 10
days.
And then the truth of where youare really at comes through and
it's good.
I I, I am pleased that itexists.

(38:55):
My, my thin get, my skin getsthinner and I'm not able to put
up with shit.
And like yesterday I had acouple of things happen at the
bar where someone's like, oh,you gonna gimme a pint?
I was like, I literally justturned round and saw you.
I haven't like ignored you andthen you just catch yourself and
like, you don't need to be rude,but yeah, I'm just like, no,
don't you literally have justgiven me that and you are.

(39:18):
Huffing me along, it's like, no,And it's quite funny.
So yeah, they got told a coupleof people off on Sunday at the
pub and when normally I would'veignored them.
And I just think it's good.
It's my, I I used to really hatethis phase because with my last
relationship with my ex-husband,he was so unsympathetic and was
so not o it was not an okayrelationship.

(39:41):
And I could ignore it for 10days each month, and then I
would go into this phase where Ijust couldn't ignore it.
And that's when, you know, andhe would make it out completely
as if it was me and it was myPMT.
And I, but it's not, and, andhaving worked with it more and
then working with Diz who's asupportive and loving partner,

(40:02):
it's not that I'm being awful,I'm just.
Less patient and tolerant ofthings that actually aren't
okay.
It's good.
IUI use it now to have difficultconversations.
So when I'm, if I've gotta havea difficult conversation, this
is the week to do it.
Don't do it when you're all niceand happy.
Crappy.
Do it when you're gonna be realand authentic about it.

(40:24):
And that's how I feel abouttalking with you guys, is that
I, I need to be real.
I can't just, I was literallyjust giving myself a little chat
in the head the other day goinggo, you just need to be more
peppy and be more happy and, andthen you'll get more listeners.
And I was like, I only want thekind of listeners that will
support me in the dark times.
Like, if you don't like me in mygood terms, you don't deserve me
in my bad times.
No, sorry.
How does that go?

(40:46):
See this thing?
I've got no executive function.
If you don't like me in my badtimes, you don't deserve me in
my good terms.
It was a Marilyn Monroe quote.
So yeah, it was interesting whenI was looking at this report
'cause there was looking at the.
Virtues, which was elevating,abundant, artistic, tasteful,
sensitive, sensual, sweet,improve, a charming, helpful,
generous tender.
And the overall thing isprosperity.

(41:06):
This is your year to level up,have a huge aura, be prosperous.
And there is an element.
This is the year of victories.
I did have a huge victory.
I did get taken on by a group ofvery well resourced very
confident people who were usedto getting whatever they wanted.

(41:27):
And there was a group of usinvolved in stopping them.
But I had quite a key, I thinkI, I'm gonna say it, if I hadn't
put my thing out and said what Isaid.
I think they would've lost.
We would've lost.
But we won.
We were victorious.
And I think that it was verymuch to do with me saying what I

(41:48):
said at the right time.
And it, that was very intuition.
And yeah, it was intuition led.
I just had a feeling that itneeded to be done and I did it
and it meant I put my neck onthe line and it means I am
vulnerable.
This, I'm still vulnerable now,and I had a load of awful stuff
happen to me because of it, butit's ended up being more

(42:09):
positive than negative becausethe community fully rallied
around me.
They all joined forces and saidno to the situation, which is
what I was, I just said, if youdon't like this situation that I
think is what is about tohappen, then you need to say,
and people did and it gotstopped So it was a victory.
But I also feel under threat.

(42:32):
I feel like at any pointsomething could happen.
I could get a something throughthe post, Like, I don't know, I
just feel quite vulnerable atthe moment, which is horrible.
And then, yeah and then on topof that being so poor that like
when someone said something theother day about Vietnam, I was
like, oh yeah, I've alwayswanted to go to Vietnam.
And then I spent the rest of thetime working behind the bar

(42:54):
trying not to cry because forthe first time in my life I was
like, and there is no way I cango to Vietnam.
And I've never felt like thatbefore.
Since the day I was born.
I leapt into this life thinkingI can do whatever I want.
And I've always felt like that.
And I've never felt any fear orlimitations on doing anything.
And I moved to Australia when Iwas 18 and I've always just been

(43:17):
like, and you can just do it.
You can just go and.
And I guess I need to reconnectwith that mindset because I
could just hitchhike, I couldjust go down to the marina and
say, does anyone wanna gimme alift to Guernsey?
And then go to Sey and go to ayacht club and just be like, I'm
up for going wherever.
Like where you are going, I'llhelp out on the boat.
And I could just do that.
And you could do it without anymoney and you could just go and

(43:37):
do it.
And it's completely possible.
And I need to remember that.
And that's why I wanna do thepilgrimage again in September,
October, because that's whatpilgrimage reminds you of and
teaches you, is that you canjust go walk across the country
with no money.
But I also do need some money,and I need some money to pay to
survive for that month and paymy rent and bills back here.

(43:58):
And, um, it's being in the game.
When you are in the game, you'retrapped by the story of the
game.
And I'm on like one of thelowest rungs in Western society.
I'm, I don't even know what theminimum wage is in the uk, but
I'm probably earning less thanthat.
And.
Yeah, but we have less billshere.

(44:20):
It's cheaper to live here but,um, but not, not enough.
It means it's cheap enough forme to live on less than the
minimum wage, but I only canafford to do what anyone on a
minimum wage can afford to do,which is sweet fa.
But what's interesting is hereis the vices of the number seven
is vapid, insecure, decadentpeople pleasing, charmless,

(44:42):
selfish, emotional, vampire, anddefeated.
And there's definitely somewords in there that I feel
pretty.
Like, So it's good to just checkin because there's, it's not a
bad thing to be going through aprocess.
A process is a process and youwill only elevate and learn from
it.
And that's not a given Wawathing.

(45:05):
I've said this before, that'snot what I believe.
I believe that while there'sstill hope, the one thing we
have control over in this maduniverse of nonsense and chaos
and hurling through space in alump of rock is what you make it
mean.
And what we make it mean is ourchoice and it's our process.
So I'm happy to sit with thestorm.

(45:26):
The storm is your greatestteacher.
As a friend of mine once said,oh, someone I might interview
actually, Jez Hughes.
He's a Charman Chappy nowadays.
So funny'cause he was a such adifferent character when I knew
him.
But yeah, he's quite awell-known healer and Charman
chappy.
But he said that to me when Iwas at drama school with him.
He said that the storm is yourgreatest teacher and it really,

(45:49):
really, really is.
When I think of life, I think ofa tent and the tent fabric is
the happy times and they'relovely and it's, nice.
That's the nice bet.
But the thing that makes thetent durable and watertight and
has shape and gives it itscharacter is the Tempe.
But the Tempe hurt when you'rebeing hit by a hammer into the

(46:12):
ground, being forced into theground.
It does, it's not a pleasantexperience, but that's the bit
that is your definition.
I'm in the process of having myhead hit and that's just what's
going on.
And, um, there are worse thingsgoing on in the world.
There are people having worsetimes than me.
I'm very, very lucky in loads ofdifferent ways, and there are

(46:33):
lots and lots of light withinthis darkness that is, like I
say, brilliant light dizzle for,you know, is the most brilliant
light there is.
Living on Sark in Paradise isthe most brilliant light there
is.
Being away from all the madnessof the world is the most
brilliant light there is.
So I haven't really got much tocomplain about, but, um, I'm
definitely in the middle of aprocess.

(46:54):
But anyway I'm going to pullaro.
If you enjoy this podcast, thenplease consider supporting me on
Patreon, which ispatreon.com/jolie Rose.

(47:18):
I'm developing and building,and.
Learning so much at the momentabout doing online work.
It's funny'cause this is so ickyto me.
If I lived in Brighton, I wouldnot be exploring online whatever
the influencer world of makingmoney from social media and

(47:38):
online stuff especially.
'cause you know, any minute thiscould all go down.
And, and also I think with AIand the amount of mayhem and
fake news and just fake realitythat's already infiltrating the
internet.
I think personally, if you wantto, I don't even know how to do
this, what you wouldn't knowuntil you needed the thing.

(48:00):
But I, I almost think it's worthbuying an encyclopedia like
right now.
Although it probably wouldalready be AI generated, but
like, what I mean is I think wehave probably 10 years before we
are not gonna be able tofunction in the way that we
function now.
Because so much will be fake andhistory's gonna be rewritten by

(48:21):
the people who are writingthings.
Now, you know Trump, like thatrally that just happened for his
birthday or whatever it was withthe military procession that he
just did where no one went andthere were protests all over
America and people were all atthat instead.
That's not gonna be rememberedlike that.
I mean, it might be, but it'd beinteresting to see in five, six

(48:44):
years time how that's recalled.
And yeah, I just think, I mean,he's been doing a lot of work
with shutting museums andmessing around with museums and
he's trying to rewrite historyat the moment and it just
depends on how long he's aroundfor and, and how far this goes.
But I think.
It's gonna be difficult for usto find information and use the

(49:08):
internet in the way that we docurrently.
So it's also a bit of a losinggame trying to build a career
online.
But I don't really have anyother choice.
I, for me to get my book outthere and for people to buy my
books, which is my main skilland talent, I'd say is, is
writing.
And then my other main skill andtalent is doing ceremonies,
which I do online.
And then I really enjoy doingpodcasts and interviewing

(49:30):
people.
I'd say that is actually astrong skill and talent of mine.
I don't have audiences herewhere I could be doing that live
or doing some other way of doinga circuit of touring or whatever
that I could possibly do, oreven a, I am gonna be setting up
a radio station with Jimmy, asyou heard last week.
But, um, yeah, it's all smallnumbers here, so there's, it's

(49:52):
not a money maker doing thathere.
So I have to do that online sothat it's just, it's the tool
that's available to me, andwhile it still exists, I'm gonna
have to just go for it and keeptrying to do it.
I've been like working ondeveloping my reels and like try
and getting people to follow meon TikTok.
And I met a TikTok recently whoshe came over, um, her whole

(50:13):
holiday was paid for from herTikTok money.
And I was like, what?
Okay, tell me how to do this.
So she gave me loads of tips andhas given me loads of
information and I've beenplaying around with it and it's
working.
I've had a lot of followers andviews and uh, yeah, I'm just
gonna keep building my accounts.
Um, I've set up a few accountsto, to try out like different,

(50:35):
'cause you Yeah.
Different niche things and seewhich one sort of takes off and
which ones do better and just dothat.
I'm just gonna have to go for itso if you want to be a patron,
it's like being a patron of thearts in the old days.
It's just supporting artists tofunction without this safety net
of the Arts Council, which isslowly disappearing or is, um,

(50:57):
increasingly just, I dunno it'sjust harder to get and, it would
be great to be able to stand onmy own two feet and not need
that.
And I'm trying to do that off myown talent and output and
skills.
And if you can see any of thatin me and appreciate it and
would like to support me,whatever you do, I would greatly
appreciate it.
And if you can't afford it,that's also awesome.

(51:20):
Please just keep listening andplease tell people about it.
If you do enjoy it and you likeit, just tell people that is so
key.
So get the word out there Okay.
On with the show.

(51:47):
Interesting.
Okay, so I just pulled the sameroom that I pulled for the
Sagittarius Full Moon.
I did a run reading on TikTok topull Arun for a reading for the
Full Moon.
And it was this room and I don'tpull it that often.
It's, uh, EOR, I dunno how it'scalled eor.

(52:09):
It's quite funny'cause it's ahorse eor that's a donkey.
It's, it means a horse and itmeans courage and steadfastness.
And there's something aboutSagittarius energy that's very
focused and blinkered in a way.
I mean, it's not'cause it'sphilosophical and out there
thinking as well.
But there is this, you'reshooting a bow and arrow for the

(52:30):
stars.
So there is an element of doingthat and yeah.
Okay.
Within me at the moment.
I'm a bit, I am defeated andit's been good to check in on
this numerology report and togive myself a bit of a kick up
the backside because I do feeldefeated.
I feel like I said this to thisthe other day.

(52:51):
I said, I'm feeling a bit like Idid when I was working in the
call center doing IVF, where Iwas just like, this was not the
plan at 35 for me to be workingin a call center and doing this
repetitive, awful mind numbingwork and then for me to not be
succeeding and making a baby.
And I just felt like a completefailure.
And I feel pretty similar at themoment in that I'm 46 and I'm

(53:14):
cleaning toilets.
And however, as at, oh no, 35actually was at the, um, turning
point of a chapter change.
'cause I, I write a book everyseven years and called Statin
Returns and um, I.
35 was one of the years where Iwrote it, and it's called Never
Worn.
And it really, it captured themoment of going through the last

(53:37):
round of IVF and realizing ithadn't worked and wasn't gonna
work, and that I was having tolet that whole story go.
And that was quite full on ajourney, as I've mentioned
before.
And yeah, that was right.
That was a chapter changingmoment.
Whereas I'm currently in thethick of a chapter, so I wrote
my last book at 42, meaning ofLife, and it felt like it, you

(54:00):
know, I trusted the universe, Ifollowed the pilgrimages.
It led me here, it led me toDizz.
And that's why I keep having tokind of come back to is, and I
don't necessarily think it'strue.
I'm, I am having a, um, what'sthe word?
My brain is so not working atthe moment.
Loss of faith.
What's the word for that?
Conflict of faith.

(54:21):
I can't remember what the wordis.
Someone used it at me recentlybecause they're going through
the same thing.
And it's someone who I've whoI've interviewed on this podcast
and we ha we, yeah, they're in asimilar place to me.
They're having a loss of faithmoment.
Like I did a load of work withsomeone who works with your
higher purpose, and they weretalking about, they were trying
to enroll me in the like,believing you can get money

(54:42):
thing and it's meant to be ayear of prosperity.
And I'm just, I'm just fuck off.
Like, yeah, you, you can sitthere from your position of
privilege where you've got moneyand tell people that all you
gotta do is believe and moneyjust makes money.
It's like, yeah, but you gottahave some money to begin with to
make the money.
And yeah, I, I'm definitelyfeeling like how condescending

(55:09):
and bullshit that wholespiritual, I dunno what branch
is.
I just, it, I'm, I've been doingit for years.
I have got an interestingrelationship with money.
It is my Achilles heel.
It's a big part of my story, butI've done a lot of work on it.
I've done a lot of work on it.
And, um, I think I mentionedthis before, previously I

(55:30):
realized recently the benefits Iget from my position of being a
working class hero kind ofthing, because I definitely had
the moral high ground in thisgroup of people that were,
coming at us and I've gotnothing to lose.
And that's quite powerful.
It is quite powerful.
I don't have to worry about amortgage.
I don't have children.

(55:51):
I don't, if someone wants tocome and, I mean, they'd have to
put me in prison annoyinglybecause I've got nothing of, you
know, if any debtor thing cameto me, I don't have any debt,
which is pretty cool.
I don't have any debts.
Um, I don't have credit cardsor, or overdrafts or anything.
I have.
Zero, but I don't have minus,which is pretty good and

(56:11):
different to when people do havemoney.
'cause when you've got money,everyone gets themselves into
huge amounts of debt withthings.
So I'm in a way really free, youknow, and that, that's a good
thing.
But, um, yeah, it, the hippiething of believing in money and
just changing your relationshipto it at the moment, I'm like,
you can absolutely do one.

(56:31):
I'm sick of it.
I've been doing it for years andI'm not going to play that game
anymore.
And I'm not gonna I'm gonna ownmy.
Benefits from being in theposition I'm in, because also,
like I've got the skillset to beable to just go get a job.
I could go get a job in financehere easily because I'm good at
admin.
I know how to do stuff like, youknow, I've spent years being a

(56:54):
Swiss Army knife in the theaterworld.
I can literally do anything.
I can do marketing, I can dospreadsheets, I can budget.
I'm really good at budgeting.
Strangely, I'm really good atbudgeting.
I think because I panic so muchabout money.
I'm really like tight with mybudgets and I've also done
enough budgets to know, to notbe optimistic, be pessimistic.
Uh, that's the key thing withthe budget.
Be pessimistic and then you'renicely surprised.

(57:16):
Whereas if you're optimistic,you always just go, oh shit, why
did I think that was gonna bethat?
So always be pessimistic.
Uh, never promise more than youcan deliver all of those things.
So I, I've got loads of skillsthat would be useful, but I
cannot work in an office.
And that's my own doing andthat's my own creation.
And so.
What I feel capable of doing ishaving some le level of freedom.

(57:39):
And that freedom comes at theprice of not having any income.
So I also take ownership ofthat.
But what I feel like this ruinis saying and will saying in the
Sagittarius for Moon as well, isthat shooting for the stars and
believing I have to keep findinghope.
I have to believe that it'sworth me writing my books.
I have to believe that it'sworth me making this podcast.

(58:02):
I have to believe that it's thatI have to keep shooting for
stars'cause it's all I've everdone and no one might not ever
get anywhere.
I've pretty much resigned to thefact that I'm not ever gonna get
anywhere.
And that's fine.
I mean, I'm 46 at the time.
It's not in the time of sports.
I know that's not true, but youknow what I mean, uh, every step
of the way.

(58:22):
I was like, oh, be this.
Oh, this will happen.
And it didn't.
And it hasn't.
And I just think that that'spart of my journey.
And maybe people will read mybooks'cause you know, they
capture a point in time.
Uh, it's an, uh, what's itcalled?
A stream of consciousnessdropping into the reality of a
young woman growing up from myfirst book's 2006.

(58:43):
And then I'll keep writing theminto older age so it'll capture
a life, you know, and they couldall be put together into one
book at some point.
And that will be of interest topeople in the future because it
will be capturing a, a moment intime that went from analog to
digital so that journey'scaptured.
And we might be, already in themotions of World War iii and it

(59:04):
will be capturing that journeyand how we got into that mess.
'cause when I look back and readmy earlier books, it's always
really interesting how.
Simpler things were and hearingand seeing my perspective right
from the beginning on politicalacts and going what's happening
here is this.
And then obviously so muchnonsense has been woven over the
top of it since then that it'sactually quite relieving and

(59:27):
interesting to reread howinnocent and simple and clear it
was at the start.
And you go, oh yeah, that's whatthat was all about.
I kind of forgot that's what wasgoing on.
So there is something about thatwith my books.
There's a chance that.
I might end up being reallyfamous once I'm dead and I'll
never know about it and I'llnever know.
But I have to keep shooting forthe stars.
'cause that is my hope.
It's my little spark, my littlehermit spark.

(59:49):
It's the tattoo on my back.
It's how I used to sign myletters as when I was a pen pal
back in the day when I used towrite letters and I had 30, 40
pen pals'cause of Kentwell Hall.
I've got a massive box ofletters.
I used to write so many lettersand I used to sign with my
little fairy kiss star, which iswhat's tattooed on the small of
my back, my little tramp stamp.
It was, I got it done before.

(01:00:09):
Tramp stamps were a thing.
And it's my spark ofinspiration.
It's what career arts means.
The reason my company and mytheater company and arts company
is called Korea is thecompletion of a.
Journey or, I mean, it'd be thecompletion of a movement in
yoga.
Karma is the repetition ofcycles is where you're caught in

(01:00:31):
a leap and you, you're stuckwith your karma and you're going
through this process and careeris the moment where you go, fuck
this, I'm not doing thisanymore.
I'm changing what I do.
And you change it and you changeyour reality.
And my original name was JoliePierce, P-I-R-C-E.
And that means pretty pierce,pretty pop.
So it was a prettytransformation.
It was like, just make it moreglittery, make it more fun,

(01:00:54):
Chuck a bit, or glitter on it.
And so just the essence of me,my spark is to transform reality
and to be able to just do that.
And when I give up drinking andstuff, I'm coming from that
place with it.
And that, I mean, that's theonly thing I would say is a tip,
is that for me to achieveanything, it needs to be
inspired.
And I've just re-inspired myselfnow having this conversation.

(01:01:14):
So I appreciate that Gemmarechecking in with my numerology
report with all these things.
Again especially where I'm at atthe moment, it's not like,
believe in them, but they'reuseful tools.
So even though I'm in a place atthe moment where I'm like, well,
I don't fucking believe in anyof this stuff.
Just'cause I'm in a grump.
And also'cause I think it'shealthy.
I've been listening toscientists recently talking

(01:01:34):
about magic thinking and how wecreate that.
But again, I, the conversation Iwanna have with him is where is
it problematic?
Because magic thinking for mehas been the thing that's made
me feel alive again.
And not just like a tardy oldadult.
That was what, how I wasfeeling.
And then when I connected tomagic and magic thinking, I felt

(01:01:57):
like a child again.
And I was in a world of wonder.
And that was great.
And I, I live for that.
I'm, I'm well up for having thatAgain.
I definitely don't have itcurrently, but I'm, I'm.
Up for that.
And I don't think it's a badthing'cause it gave me so much,
um, joy and energy, uh, that Ithink that's a good thing.

(01:02:19):
I definitely think it'sproblematic when you believe in
it wholeheartedly.
And yeah, I just think with allthese things it's with a pinch
of salt, but it's not like thescience or literal media reality
is any more non-problematic.
Do you know what I mean?
Like with all of them, we needto more than we've ever done

(01:02:42):
before, we need to trust our owncompass.
And so yeah, find a way ofinspiring yourself to not drink.
Something you talked about aswell was people.
How other people are about it,literally that they do disappear
when you are really clear aboutwhat you're doing.
And I think that's to do withthe inspiration.

(01:03:02):
And I'm always surprised at howmuch busier I am when I don't
drink because you have energyand there's so many things to
do, so don't feel like you'lllose your social life and stuff.
Actually, your social life willseem like a very boring, tardy
thing compared to what you aredoing.
With people who were full ofbeans and vibrant and up for

(01:03:25):
stuff, so you don't need toworry about that.
It, it fills up so quickly tothe point where I'm like, I
don't even know how I'd havetime to drink.
I'm annoyed that I haven't gotmore money.
That's annoyed me.
But, um, I dunno how I had time.
And then I also have enjoyed andhave benefited from wedging that
time back in again because I wasjust so full of work and other

(01:03:46):
stuff.
You know, I filled it up soquickly that time that actually
this couple of months where I'mwallowing in, poisons again, I
am also enjoying going, do youknow what?
I don't care tonight or thisafternoon I'm getting drunk.
That's what I'm doing.
And everything else has to goout the window.
And, you know, sometimes that'snot a bad thing to do.

(01:04:07):
So I think with all of it, it'sa balance.
It's all about balance andtrusting your own inner compass
and, um.
That's what I feel this room isabout.
It is a horse being steadfastand it's got its destination and
it's not gonna be distracted bythe noise and the mayhem either
side.
It's just gonna go for what itbelieves in and what it wants.

(01:04:38):
So my Chaos Crusade for thisweek is for you to give up a
thing do it as a 40 daypractice.
This is something that I learnedfrom Remington Donovan as well,
was to do 40 day practices.
So maybe start at the beginningof July, give yourself a thing
in July to give up just as anexperiment, just to see whether

(01:05:03):
you can do it.
And it will just be for, for 40days.
I think this is about youtesting yourself just to see
what reality's like when youdon't do a thing that you do all
the time.
So it might be giving upcaffeine or it might be giving
up sugar or wheat or dairy orbooze or smoking or processed
food, just anything that youfeel is not good for you.

(01:05:25):
And you're not saying you'redoing it forever, but just do it
as an experiment.
And that I've done that sort ofall my life.
I've given things up.
I give things up all the time.
I don't necessarily give them upforever.
But I just sort of test myselfto see what it's like and then
I'll give things up and be like,oh, I really liked that.
That's really nice.
And then if I do really like it.
I tend to, it slowly worksitself into being my reality.

(01:05:47):
And then it might work into myreality that I'm doing the bad
thing again, but I at least knowthat it's bad and I will work
back into the reality not doingit again.
Do you know what I mean?
So it's like, with all of thesethings, I don't, I don't wanna
be too rigid with stuff becauseI don't think that's useful
either.
So yeah, that's my suggestion isto pick something that you're
gonna give up for 40 days andjust do it as an experiment and

(01:06:08):
write a diary about it, writeabout it, make it into a piece
of art, make something creativeout of it, and, um, just do it
as a challenge.
So, that's everything for today.
Thank you for being here.
I'm gonna be at Glastonbury nextweek, and I am going to attempt
to, oh no.
So I, when this comes out, Iwill be at Glastonbury and.
Then I'm gonna attempt to recorda podcast at Glastonbury and

(01:06:31):
I'll be sharing that with youthe following week.
So, uh, look forward to that.
And thank you so much, Gemma,for your question.
And if anyone else has anythingthey wanna ask me to explore in
the podcast, then I'm very happyto and, uh, sending you all
loads of love.
And I shall see the, an.