#20: Random Show with Julie Huynh - KPOP Idol Worship, Dating Culture, and the Secrets of Attraction - One Thousand Gurus Podcast

Episode Transcript
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J.R. (00:00):
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of 1000
Gurus with me, your host, jrYona Cruz.
So today's episode is a special, random show with my good
friend, julie Huynh.
Julie has known JR since 2012,hey, that's me when they were
teammates on COP Connect K-PopAspiring Performers, uci's K-Pop
dance team.
Through their love of dance,julie and JR have worked

(00:22):
together on several gigs overthe years.
In present day, julie is afull-time designer, ux and
product by day, graphic and webby night.
She previously taught beginnerdance classes for kids and
adults out of Fountain Valleyand Garden Grove.
In her free time she likes tovolunteer, work on creative
projects, bake and, obviously,talk to JR.
So I've been waiting all seasonor rather the last two seasons

(00:44):
since I started this podcast todo this special episode.
While I always wanted the focusof the show to be on learning
from other people and hearingtheir stories, I knew I
eventually wanted to break upthe routine once in a while to
do a fun, casual show formatwith a good friend.
Julie was clearly at the top ofthe list because over the years,
we've had so many long,intellectually deep chats that
could last up to 7 or 8 hourssometimes.

(01:05):
Needless to say our legendaryconversations were part of the
inspiration I had for this show.
We also decided to make it abit more fun by drinking some
eggnog liquor and just alternatebetween the two of us bringing
up random topics and discussingit as we talk about our kpop and
idol culture, our danceinspirations, unique foods, how

(01:25):
we've changed over the last 10years, navigating, dating and
the science of attraction.
Please excuse me in advance asI really go off on a lot of
tangents and rants from my ownperspective and experience, but
hopefully nobody gets toooffended by my hot takes.
I don't mean it personally andhopefully after these 20
episodes my audience can listenwith an open mind and really try
to understand the points thatI'm making without too much

(01:47):
judgment.
You know, it's not too serious,these are just kind of my own
hot takes.
So, without further ado, hopeyou guys really enjoy this
episode, this random show,episode number 20 with my good
friend Julie Huynh.
All right, hello and welcomeback to 1000 Gurus.
So today's a special episode,but joining me is my good friend

(02:08):
Julie Huynh.
Yay, applause.
Thank you guys for the studioaudience reaction.
So today is we're recordingepisode number 20.
So episode 10 of season two,episode 20, whatnot, and it's
going to be a random show.
So instead of our typical likeinterview format where I have
bring on a guest, I have a closefriend of mine who we have

(02:30):
legendary, very longconversations about various
things, so I figured this wouldbe a good opportunity to invite
someone who I enjoy having longconversations with and we can
just talk about whatever topicsthat we want.
And we also have some specialeggnog liquor liqueur from for
the those listening you can'tsee it, but it's from trader
joe's like a white milky creamysort of liquid but it's

(02:53):
alcoholic.
What is it like?
14.75 alcohol that's so muchhigher.
Well, yeah, that's where I haveshock, shock up.
So, yeah, if you can't see it,if you're not video, we'll be
drinking this.
And yeah, let me just go intohow I know julie, as usual,
really quick.
So julie and I go way back.
We were co-chords for cop in2010, 2011, ish, yes, yeah, 2010

(03:15):
, 2011 at uci.
You were one of the smallhandful of people that I we talk
a lot hours at a time.
We're both into k-pop,obviously, and dance.
We catch up like, at least oncea year, sometimes even more
than that.
I really appreciate yourintrospective nature and how
thoughtful and intellectuallycurious you are, and you're also
ambitious, passionate,goal-oriented, all that other
stuff and very open-minded,which I think is why it's always

(03:38):
nice to have conversations withyou, because I don't want to
say we think similarly, but Ithink we're both open-minded to
like, hear about our differentperspectives and we talk about
everything from, like, dance,movies, careers, relationships,
goals, society, politics,everything, right, anything you
want to add to that no yeah,just that.
Okay, I would say so before weget into our first topic.
Let us take a little drink ofthis, because I'm kind of

(04:00):
excited to try it.

Julie (04:01):
Yeah you ready, cheers, cheers to to your 20th episode.

J.R. (04:06):
Yes, 20th episode.
Thank you, are you?

Julie (04:08):
dying.

J.R. (04:08):
The whole thing, I'm just sipping it, unless you want to
shoot back.

Julie (04:13):
14 is quite nice.

J.R. (04:15):
Yeah, right, it's really good wow it's like milky, like
an eggnog, but like sweet, sweetyou know, as alcohol does,
burns your throat.

Julie (04:23):
But I'm just kidding.
Yeah, I'm 14, it doesn't youknow it's funny.

J.R. (04:28):
I'm like.
I always say that I'mlightweight, but I've been
drinking a lot recently because,like of parties no so parties,
but I also drink a lot less.
But we'll go to amc, right, andthere's like the specialty
drinks that they have, and youknow I'm a sucker for novelty
stuff.
So, for example, they hadwicked drinks, so one like
elphaba one, one glinda, onegladiator has his own drink.
And then there's these specialwinter ones, like this rum, yum

(04:50):
yum rum, and it's just like rumcoke whiskey with marshmallows
on top and I'm like, well, Iwant to try it.
And so now I've been likespending money on like
overpriced amc drinks whoa andnot because I like alcohol, but
I just want to try that's reallycool.

Julie (05:03):
I didn't know that was your weakness that was my
weakness it's novelty things.

J.R. (05:07):
If you give me a promo or novelty stuff like I'm all over
it.

Julie (05:10):
Okay, that makes sense, the promo I understand.

J.R. (05:13):
So alright, do you want to go first or do you want me to
go first?

Julie (05:17):
did I explain the topics or not?

J.R. (05:20):
topics, but the format so okay, so what we're going to do
is we're going to go back andforth.
So we'll start with one of usand I'll bring out a topic and
we'll just kind of go back andforth and our thoughts on that
kind of you know what normallike friend podcasts are like.
So we'll start with one of usand then after we finish that,
we'll go throw it over the fenceand someone else will ask a
question and they like vary alot, so we kind of have a

(05:40):
brainstormed list okay, cool,you got one.

Julie (05:43):
Yeah, well, since we met through dance, let's start off
with a dance related question.
I'm curious nowadays, sinceyour dance career has been so
long in present day, who or whatare your dance inspirations?

J.R. (05:57):
who or what are my dance inspirations?

Julie (05:59):
yeah, it doesn't have to be a person, it could be a
concept oh, I see what'sinspiring you these days?
What's inspiring?

J.R. (06:05):
me.
You know what's funny is Idon't even.
I want to say.
I want to confidently say Idon't, I'm not inspired by dance
nice, oh cross, yeah, multiple,whatever.

Julie (06:14):
Anyway you go ahead yeah no, because.

J.R. (06:16):
So I dance regularly on a team, but my purpose isn't for
dance, it's for the like, thefriendship, the connection, the
experience of being with peopleand collaborative like.
In a collaborative environmentand as a leader on the team, I'm
focused on helping create agood experience for them.
So it's kind of the reason whyI'm there is devoid of my own
dance sort of inspiration, whichis I don't want to say it's sad

(06:38):
, but it's.
I don't dance for menecessarily.
Yeah, there are routines.
I'm like, oh, that's a coolroutine, a fun group, I like
their choreography, but I'm notinspired.
That I love.
This is why I'm here.
I'm here for my team, yeah, butthat's why one of the things I
wanted to get back into isfreestyle dance, because a lot
of my dance inspirations arefreestylers and I haven't done
freestyle dance in a long time.
But that's what energizes me,lights me up.

(06:59):
If I like had, if I joined likea popping team or something
like that and I like wesessioned every week, that's
when I'd be like creativelyinspired.
But going back to that, I'minspired by people like Mike
Song when I was in high school,you know Jabawki's, kinja's or
Cabo Modern, obviously, like Ihad Arnel on last night, or the
episode that's coming out rightafter this episode, and so I

(07:20):
talk about he's my danceinspiration's dance inspiration.
Yeah, so I talk about.
He's my dance inspiration's.
Dance inspiration, yeah, butsince then not really a lot of
dance things inspire me.
But that's just where it's atand I'm fine with that.

Julie (07:30):
I like that.
That's a different spin, anunexpected question or
unexpected answer to that typeof question.

J.R. (07:35):
Right, how about you Do?
You have any dance inspirationsor what inspires you?

Julie (07:40):
Not lately, just because I haven't been in that space for
a really long time.
You know, back then I used towatch a lot of videos and
respect certain people.
Things like that try to emulatewhatever it is they're giving
off, but these days I haven'thad a lot of bandwidth to
explore that.
I really also don't have ananswer just basically.

J.R. (08:02):
Your question is like all right, what is your dance
inspiration?
We, none of.
Neither of us have anyinspiration.

Julie (08:07):
We are uninspired dancers , but maybe it'll come up in 30
minutes or something oh yeahright now nothing top of mind,
yeah I mean I like back in theday.

J.R. (08:17):
So, aside from my song bionic, man john bionic.
He's from the bay area, he's apopper, he's filipino, he like
was like a world champion inpopping or freestyle dance, like
years ago when he was like 18or some something crazy like
that, right, yeah, he's stillactive and he's like a judge and
he's like not an og necessarily, but he's like right after that
, yeah, but anyways, he wasalways one of my biggest
inspirations because his styleis very like foundational, but

(08:40):
also like he still is verydynamic and you know, you know
he does like martial arts tooand he's toured with Michael
Jackson maybe Cirque du Soleil,it was one of those sort of
performance things where theywent around the world.
Anyways, he's very amazing.
He's one of my.
If I were to put it at the topof my list of my dance
inspirations since high school,it'd be Bionic man.
John Viney.
He's still around too, but ontoo.

Julie (09:01):
But I don't really follow him much, but him and mike song
are like the top one and two Iwould say yeah, okay, true, I
remember there was a, I'd say alitany of people that I
definitely respected, back thentoo I don't think I need to drop
names right now, but I know interms of just umbrella, I always
was very attracted to dancertypes that were very athletic in

(09:22):
the way that they perform, andI think they were.
They probably work out andcondition a lot in order to be
able to show that in theirdancing, so that's definitely
the level.
I would aspire to be, but youknow it probably is a lot of
hard work constant conditioningoutside of dancing too, but you
know, I always love Lyle Boniga.

J.R. (09:41):
Always, always, always.
That was good.
Where you at, where you atRight he was in there.

Julie (09:47):
But there was also another San.

J.R. (09:48):
Bristel and La Albaniga.
I think Okay, but Teong yeah,yeah, yeah, right, yeah, some
two.

Julie (09:55):
There's so many I know I'm not even going to try to
guess.
You're like they're it's outthere, but you mentioned earlier
about interest in joining apopping team.
Any reason why it hasn'thappened yet is there like a
blocker?
That's a great question.

J.R. (10:10):
I think it's more just not prioritized.
It's been on my, if you look atmy generally, if you're looking
at I have these yearlysummaries I do right year in
review of my 20 of the wholeyear.
It's been on my goal list tofreestyle more for the last
three, four years but, I thinkI've just been so bogged down
with my other priorities dancewise and then I'm trying to do,
you know, start this podcast andmy relationship coaching and
everything else my actualrelationship content creating.

(10:32):
So I think it's just been solow on the list that is just
adding a new thing to my routineand I don't want to not have
that slack in my life.
So that's just the excuse I'mgiving myself.
I think I also.
There's not, it's not, there'snot one easily available.
I have to go look for one ohyeah, and so I'm like the
activation energy of trying tolook for a group that's doing
that.
I'm sure they're out there yeahbut, and then dedicating that

(10:54):
time and a new space anddeveloping, cultivating that
relationship or that network,I'm like, uh, I got stuff to do
anyways, I don't need to jump onit now okay, so yeah, so yeah.

Julie (11:02):
Do you think it's going to happen eventually?
I?

J.R. (11:04):
think if I for sure, once I leave choreos and I'm done
with that and I now have a biggap in my dancing, then I can
like all right.
Well, what do I fill this with?
Obviously, not more K-pop.
I don't need to do that, soprobably freestyle dance.

Julie (11:16):
Okay, that's cool.
Wow, the that may happen.

J.R. (11:20):
Yeah, exactly a year and a half from now is when my lease
on choreos is done, wow.
Yeah, there's a time, a fineaffinity yeah it is Because I'm
trying to set the record forbeing on the team the longest.
Right now, the record is 6.8years and I'm at a solid six
years as of this month, oh wow,so I got one more full era to do
.
Okay, but I'll be ending atseven and a half.

Julie (11:43):
I'm curious if anyone is going to try to beat you in the
future.
You know, if anyone tries tobeat me.

J.R. (11:47):
They're crazy Because who would stay on a dance team for
more than seven years Like thethree of us that have done it?
There are three people who havestayed on choreos longer than I
have and they're just likesuper outliers.

Julie (12:06):
And so I don't think anyone's crazy as us, for to do
that sounds like an invitationto a challenge.

J.R. (12:08):
You know, if you can do that and you can contribute to
the team, then all good, becauseit takes a lot out of you to
stay on a college team,especially at our age.
Oh yeah, it's really hard thatis yeah definitely twice.

Julie (12:19):
It's like going to college twice.
Exactly for your call.

J.R. (12:22):
Yes, yeah so I always tell people like I'm about to get my
phd in choreos because that'sgood, almost eight years yeah,
that's really actually prettyamusing to think about.

Julie (12:33):
Yeah, it has its own challenges and pitfalls.

J.R. (12:35):
Yeah, do you want a topic on my end?
Yeah, okay, let's see, let meask you a question in terms of
we can talk about either k-popor relationships, or people or
career oh, let's start easy,that's well.
I don't know if it's gonna be,I'm just assuming let's do k-pop
you're gonna hit the hot buttonhere, okay, so this one, it's

(12:59):
not actually easy.
This is called idol culture,k-pop, putting wrong values,
onestal this is a very hot take,okay, being on a K-Pop team and
surrounded by people who loveK-Pop.

Julie (13:08):
Oh no.

J.R. (13:09):
I okay, I don't know how to introduce this topic or this
question, but one thing thatbothers me a lot about people
who like K-Pop and speaking fromsomeone who likes K-Pop is they
put this sort of idol like the,the idol culture.
They put them on a pedestal andit's they will sell their soul
and I'm gonna like to go tothese concerts and they're like,
oh my god, this person's soamazing and they're such good

(13:30):
dancers and it's like they'refamous.
So it's idol culture, like withcelebrities too, right, but
it's just specifically k-popidols and what bothers me is
like people will go crazy overthese human beings, but I'm like
they're normal, they're justtheir job is part of it is being
famous and they aren't actuallymore talented than other people
.
There are singers that are 10times more talented.

(13:51):
Dancers are 10 times moretalented.
They're just happens.
They just happen to be famousbecause now they're in a company
that promoted them and all thispeople who write their songs
and produce their music.
They're just a part of thismachine and not downplaying
their hard work, obviously, andthey probably have natural
genetic talent, whatever.
But what bothers me is thatpeople are like they'll do
anything to see these people andI'm like you can appreciate the
art but not put the artist onthe pedestal yeah because we're,

(14:14):
they're just humans, and so Ihave a controversial take
because I'm like I could careless if someone walks down the
street and they're like an idolfrom, let's say, bts.
Whatever right I'll be.
I'll be like, oh, what's up?
J-hope, you know how are you,you know whatever, but they'll
cry, scream, break down and onthe other side, I get that maybe
their artistry has impacted you, so you're emotionally, but I'm

(14:34):
like they're a regular human.
And when you see likecelebrities in the street or
movie stars, they're still ahuman being.
So so for me, I have this weird.
We're like, wow, you could justtreat someone normally like
that.
Yeah, because they're human.
So it bothers me that we'reputting the wrong values on a
pedestal because it's this isjust their job.
Their job is to be famous andto do good work.
But they're not better thananyone.
They're not better than you.

(14:55):
They just train harder, and thereason why they're good at
dancing is because that'sliterally their job.
If you put eight hours a dayinto dancing and singing and
looking good and learning how tointerview and pr, then of
course you'd be that good, butyou're not because it's not your
job.
Yeah, anyways, that was my.
If you have any thoughts onthat, you can completely
disagree with me oh no, I'm notsaying I'm right, that's just my
perspective okay, okay, but thequestion is just my hot take on

(15:18):
it.
Yeah, I would say that becausethe hot button for me is more
like I don't think, people, weshould be putting idols on a
pedestal.
I think we should justappreciate their artistry and
their hard work and maybe aspireto work hard like them, but not
treat them like they're gods.

Julie (15:30):
Yeah.

J.R. (15:31):
But I don't know if you had thoughts on that.

Julie (15:32):
Well, I I do agree with what you are saying.
I think it's difficult toachieve for a lot of people,
though, but going backwards alittle bit, I think it's in the
name itself, though.
They're called idols, so it ismeant to be that way.

J.R. (15:49):
You're saying it's by design?
Yeah, absolutely.

Julie (15:50):
They're meant to be worshipped as like these yeah,
yeah, like just their persona,everything that they have to
represent.
It's definitely manufactured sothat you do worship them.

J.R. (16:01):
So they are doing their jobs, okay, so so now the
impetus isn't on them for doingthe wrong thing, it's for the
people who worship them.
Yes, right, do you not have?
Okay, again, this is allaccusatory is like why do you
worship and worry about thesepeople's lives and what they're
doing on these variety shows andall their little like things,
when you have your own life andare you like doing something

(16:23):
that is improving your life orthe people around you, or
something that actually givesyou value or like contributes to
the earth, rather than focusingon watching everything this
idol puts out and is like that,really healthy for you?
So that's the more downstreamthought process for me, is it is
not healthy to worship idolsbecause you have so much other
things you could be focusing on,and maybe I'm not trying to be
on my high horse and everythinglike that.

(16:43):
Right, like I'm trying, not,but it just bothers me that.
It's like you see that.
But then you see some of myfriends and oh my god, you're so
slay and you're amazing,because they're trying to
emulate this sort of aestheticyeah, thing that shouldn't be
put on a pedestal is like oh mygod, you're just so pretty and
that's another sort of thing,but it's like you're only really
getting this attention becauseof something that's like a
superficial thing and you can godeeper into that which is, like

(17:06):
sure, superficial parts of this, of our nature is.
You know, we want to be aroundattractive people, whatever.
But I'm saying like, if you'reputting aesthetics on a pedestal
and that's your primary valueor one of your top values, like
how does that make you feel as aperson when you're not good
enough, when you're not prettyenough, because all these idols
are manufactured gorgeous butyou are not?

(17:26):
And then we're also hyping upour friends because they just
look good but not becausethey're good people or they're
hardworking or they have goodvalues or they have morals but
because they are aesthetic,because we're putting the idols
on a pedestal and therefore weput our friends, who are
good-looking, on a pedestal.
Do you know what I'm trying tosay?
I feel like it's a negativecycle of things we shouldn't be
doing.

Julie (17:47):
The part about connecting to our friends and prioritizing
that aesthetic is a new avenue,so maybe we can talk about it
some more.
But the part that you initiallybrought up about what was it?
The infatuation.
That's why I thinkpsychologically that is really
difficult.
That's why I said I think it'sdifficult to extricate yourself

(18:08):
from that, because it's soaddictive when you see beauty in
motion and you're like, wow,they're capable of looking like
this, moving like this, andbefore you know it you're just
seven days in and you watchedall of their shows.
And I think, sometimes notsaying that people who do this
have a void to fill but I thinkit's very addictive because it's
just so satisfying.

J.R. (18:29):
You know like all the dopamine is going endorphins.

Julie (18:32):
All of that is happening.
You're just like wow, that wasgreat to hear.
They seem like such a goodperson For me.
Me, I remember when I was incollege maybe late high school I
was also addicted as well to 2pm by the way, but coming off of
, julie had a birthday recentlyand it was 2 pm themed yes and
I'm like listening with thatlens of look 2 pm is great,
though I'm like I don't disagree, yeah, I

(18:53):
like 2 pm too yeah, and thething is so I'm trying to pull
from my experience back then iswhy was I so addicted, you know,
and I?
And it wasn't because I thoughtthey were just so hot, I just
couldn't bear to live withoutseeing them, or something I
think it was.
You know, with entertainmentthey do a good job at engaging
with you.
So, you know, I think all thenormal factors are there.

(19:15):
But now, as an older adultlooking back, I think it's
because of the not being awareof the separation, because now
I'm able to step away from itand not feel anything, because I
recognize that that's just apersona.
Back then I never even thoughtabout that.
These people have their ownpersonalities outside of it.
It's the same with actors andcelebrities.

(19:35):
So nowadays, when I reallyenjoy something that an actor,
actress, puts out, um, it'sreally hard nowadays too,
because people are gettingcanceled all over the place
because of things they do intheir private life and and I'm
like, well, does that mean Ihave to stop listening to their
music because now their reallife has mixed in with their
acting?

J.R. (19:54):
like the persona they put out there.

Julie (19:55):
Yeah, so nowadays, when I think back on you know my
addiction to k-pop idols backthen I realize I'm like, yeah, I
mean, that was just acting in away like they, they have to act
that way.
And so now I think, the momentyou just are self, you become
aware that this is not who theyreally are, that they make
mistakes, they actually datepeople um, they're human and

(20:19):
they say awful things, possibly,you know, have pimples, all
that.
I think that's when, that's whenthe facade completely breaks
and you're like, oh, okay, I'msober now yeah, but when you're
just riding that high, it'sreally fun, and I think that
makes it really hard.
When you have a fan base andyou have people to hype yourself
I mean yourself up and you'relike, yeah, isn't, you know,

(20:41):
junho so amazing, you know.
So I think all that is drivingthat addiction too, so it's hard
.
I've seen korean variety showswhere they would talk about
their loved one being soaddicted to it that they would
not neglect their childrenthey'd be like spending their
savings to go see k-pop starsand stuff.
So in those cases maybe there isa void that like they're

(21:02):
unhappy.
Maybe, I don't know, there'ssomething psychological there,
but um, but I do know.
I think, because k-pop isdesigned to bring so much joy to
people that it could be reallyhard to extricate yourself from
that right.

J.R. (21:15):
So you're saying like, okay, it's as a, as an
environment, as a system.

Julie (21:19):
It is hard to escape from yeah, because you're supposed
to be obsessed yeah like it'sdesigned, it's engineered to
make you obsessed.
And then money right yes,exactly, they want to make money
off of you, so yeah, but Ithink as people get older,
they're supposed to be able torecognize that.

J.R. (21:35):
Hopefully, yeah, I mean I would say, if that was, if there
were only young k-pop goer,like concert goers, and all
these people who, like, wouldyou know, blow up an orphanage
to see their favorite idol,right, like that sort of like
level of like dedication.
I'm like you know, they'renormal people, right, appreciate
their artistry, of course, butthey are not the best at what
they do and what you see couldbe manufactured, like you said.

(21:57):
So I think I guess I guess mywell, my point is is there are
better places to spend yourenergy and effort that will not
only like degrade I don't knowyour self-worth by putting the
wrong values on a pedestal, butalso you have a lot of.
Life is long but it's alsoshort.
So like you, could be spendingyour time doing something that
actually makes you happy, makesyou fulfilled.

(22:18):
Building relationships, thingsthat actually makes you happy,
makes you fulfilled.
Yeah, building relationships,things that actually give you
fulfillment and not you just seean idol and put that that
facade on a pedestal, is whatI'm saying yeah there's better
things you could be doing, butagain, again, I know that's a
personal perspective and lessglamorous, that's for sure well,
of course, yes, less glamorous,I'm just saying, with the
epidemic of depression andsuicides and not feeling worthy
enough correctI'm saying, like, the

(22:39):
entertainment and the capitalismthat puts those things on a
pedestal, that make you feedinto it so that they can take
your money, is part of theproblem.
But also if you can realize andsee that, because I found, like
, even with social media, like,the longer I'm on social media,
the more I see the values beingput on a pedestal.
Instagram is really clear withwhat they're putting on a
pedestal is aesthetics, it'sjust looks and that will destroy

(23:01):
most of society's conception oftheir self-worth.

Julie (23:04):
Yeah, and that, I think, answers your question about
friends who value, like you lookgreat, blah, blah blah.
And I think it really comesfrom our cultural shift with the
social media and everything.
I mean, yeah, back then therewas like books and magazines
specifically, but now it's justrapid, super exponential.
So you know, I have faith thatwill.
There's some awarenesscombating it.

(23:26):
But I mean, I don't know, aslong as information is traveling
the way it is, I think it'salways going to be like a fight
back and forth.
Yeah, um, and then for me, mysolution nowadays is just to
distance myself from it because,if, if I just get lost it, then
I think you're allowing it towarp yourself.
Just can't help it.
It's just the way the peopleare moving yeah, no, I agree.

J.R. (23:47):
That's why one of my I've said this before, but my
princess dream and a princessdream is like, if you could, you
know, like magic lamp, likegenie sort of thing, yeah, is to
be a monk and disconnect fromall social media yeah oh, I
would love that much Not have toworry about seeing what other
people are up to and puttingstuff on a pedestal and trying
to show off my life and to getlikes or views.
If I could just disconnect andjust focus on my own inner peace

(24:10):
and just like serving others,that would be so nice, but not
right now.

Julie (24:14):
But I think that's the core of it.
Right Is being able todisconnect and self-reflect, and
I think I've definitely heardmentors tell me that society
does not allow us to do that.

J.R. (24:27):
So it's just getting caught up.

Julie (24:28):
Yeah, definitely Do you have another topic.
Do you have any other?

J.R. (24:33):
thoughts on that.
You haven't yet Any otherthoughts on this.
Do you have another?

Julie (24:37):
topic.
I did, but I forgot it.

J.R. (24:38):
Let's see, let's see, let's see, don't mind me while I
sip on this eggnog.
It's pretty good, I'm not sure.
Okay.

Julie (24:43):
Here's a random one.
What's something that you loveto eat?

J.R. (24:49):
that people make fun of you, for that's a good one.
Do you have an answer?
Yeah, beets the.

Julie (25:00):
EET right.
Yeah, let's see.
Yes, I love beets and I thinkgoat cheese is not a very
popular.

J.R. (25:07):
Oh, the greatest of all time cheese.

Julie (25:09):
Thing too, but the combo of that with beets is pretty
good.

J.R. (25:13):
I will put that on my list to try, actually yeah.

Julie (25:15):
In a salad.
It's usually how it goestogether.
It's because Mendocino Farmshas anything used to call it
save.
Is it Save Drake Farm Salad?
Yeah, but they don't call itthat anymore.
But there's beets and thenthere's goat cheese like a whole
like thing in there, so I thinkit grosses out most people when
, I tell them about it, but it'sthe best and I like.

(25:37):
There's this Vietnamese beetsoup as well.
It has like pork, ribs, carrots, potatoes and the rest is beet,
so the whole soup is justbright red.

J.R. (25:43):
Okay, I was about to ask what's the color oh yeah, it's
like dark, dark, dark, brightred.

Julie (25:47):
I'm not against beets.

J.R. (25:48):
I just never had a reason to really get into it.
I'll.
If it's a salad I'm like I'lleat it oh okay, yeah, but
nothing.
But so is that it just beats.
Yeah, I don't think I haveanything that people would make
fun of me for.
I generally like most things,but I might like some things
more than other people do, forexample maybe let's say pumpkin
pie.
I don't think everyone does youlike pumpkin?

Julie (26:09):
pie.
I love pumpkin pie.
Let's talk about that.

J.R. (26:11):
I mean.
But I don't think that's crazy,because I also know other
people who also like pumpkin pieand some people don't, and
that's totally fine, okay, um,but so well, something that
blessy she's in the other studio, but something that she likes
that I make fun of her is coffeeover rice.
That's like a filipino thing,in certain areas or certain
cultures.
So I think half of my familydoes that, but like blessy does

(26:33):
that, and then sometimes we makefun of her.
I'm like coffee coffee on rice.

Julie (26:37):
But it's a real thing.
What is it what?
How does it work?

J.R. (26:38):
it's like hot coffee, right and then just plain white
rice and you just pour thecoffee on rice.
But it's a real thing.
What is it?
What?
How does it work?
It's like hot coffee, right,and then just plain white rice
and you just pour the coffee onthe right, you eat it.

Julie (26:44):
Whoa, yeah, that's it.
How did it like?
How did it first come to?

J.R. (26:46):
I don't I don't know, it's just crazy people, just thought
of it.
Crazy people aka filipinos nobut like when we got on tiktok,
people were like, oh yeah, I dothis to be like ew, that's gross
.
So there actually are a lot ofpeople that that eat it.
Oh, same thing.
But look, you know, likefermented like duck egg.
My family eats it.
I always thought it was normaland then.
But I went to college and halfthe people who knows I know

(27:07):
don't eat really.
So maybe that is one thing andI just thought it was normal.
And, to be fair, I don't reallyeat the fetus thing neither
just the yolk right there, theyellow part, whatever, and then
with salt, and then the juice.

Julie (27:18):
You just kind of slurp it up yeah, so I guess that would
be the one thing.

J.R. (27:21):
But it's not like I eat it often yeah, same thing I.

Julie (27:24):
It's just so out of the way.

J.R. (27:26):
Yeah, so is that a vietnamese thing, or do you just
tried it just for the sake?

Julie (27:30):
of it.
It is a vietnamese thing too,okay.
Okay, I actually didn't knowthat filipinos ate it as well.

J.R. (27:35):
Okay, yeah, I didn't know anyone else ate it besides,
because because it was on FearFactor 30 years ago.

Julie (27:39):
And then people were like oh my god, they have Filipino
food on Fear Factor.

J.R. (27:42):
Yeah, oh my god, Joe Rogan .
And then we're like Filipinoseat this all the time.
So I always thought it wasnormal, but I guess it was just
my side of the family falls onthat side of the tracks of
Filipinos.
Alright, one of them is oh, Ifeel like half of these are just
like things that either annoyme or they're just hot takes
about people.
Oh, this is the best.
I don't want to be that guy whojust like oh, I know I'm outing

(28:05):
myself, don't listen to thisepisode.
Listen to the other 19 episodesso you can keep your facade of
how you see me as this person.
Okay, let's say, oh, how aboutwe just okay Relationships or
people or dating, dating, oh,let's do dating.

(28:25):
Okay, well, this one, you sawthis one, but it was like
relationships, how to manage,navigate, handle, manage,
navigating dating.
I think my the impetus for thistopic is I talked to a friend
recently and he was saying how Iwas like, how'd you love life?
And he goes, it sucks, and he'ssingle and he's dating right,
and he said that there's thisgirl who ghosted him recently.
They had five dates andeverything, yeah, and he's just
like I don't know why, and Ithink I'm fortunate enough then
to not be in the shit show thatis the dating scene.

(28:47):
But you know, my heart goes outto all you guys trying to
navigate that, but I think it'sdifficult because, like in this
date, okay, I guess maybe myquestion is what are your
thoughts on the dating sceneboth?
Both of us are in relationships, but it seems difficult.

Julie (28:59):
Yeah.
So I just think, because ofwhat?
The onslaught of technology andalready even like five to eight
years ago, the new psychologybehind dating apps that it bred,
was already kicking off.
So I can't even imagine postpandemic what it must be like
yeah.

J.R. (29:19):
Now I want to throw in my joke.
I told you earlier, so earliertoday we had a christmas like
brunch thing and my friend waslike yeah, dating apps.
I read that there's a stat ontinder that you know, three out
of every four people on the appare guys and one every four are
girls.
So 75, 25, right, and I came upwith a joke and I was like like
smirking to myself because Icouldn't keep in the laugh.

(29:39):
And then I was like they'relike, just say it.
I'm like, okay, here's the joke.
Well, yeah, I think I feel like, yeah, on tinder, you know, I
think I agree with thatstatistic because whenever I go
on dates from tinder, you knowthree out of four of them are
guys.
So I guess three out of four ofthem aren't yeah everyone faced
palm, but they all laughed.
My friend was like I'm mad atmyself that I laughed at that
joke.

Julie (29:59):
All right, did anybody laugh?

J.R. (30:02):
Maybe my delivery sucked, but that was the joke.

Julie (30:04):
Bless, you Put it in the comments.

J.R. (30:06):
Yeah, tell me if you laugh .
Tell me if I should give upstand-up comedy.
But Blessy was laughing at meand laughing at myself, not the
joke.

Julie (30:12):
So that's See, that's the funny, the best jokes though.

J.R. (30:20):
The ones where you're just so audience.
You're stupid.
I am definitely stupid, butyeah.
So I think like it's toughbecause of communication.
I think you know there's theavailability of people the
facade of availability rightbecause it's not like there's a
lot of good catches.
Okay, sorry, hold on.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm not trying to throw peopleon the bus, but from what people
told me, right, it's like somepeople who are jaded by the
dating experience are like allthe people who are good are

(30:41):
taken, married, whatever, andlike all you have are the
leftovers on the app.
Right, and I'm not sayingpeople are on apps or leftovers,
you know, I'm just trying tolike the feeling that people
have right.
Yeah, so there are obviouslygood people out there, but when
you have the kiddie poll thateveryone pees in of tinder and
like, ruins that sort ofenvironment.
So now it's just very low levelpeople who you know aren't
really looking for deep qualityrelationships.

Julie (31:02):
It gets tough yeah.

J.R. (31:03):
And then, because they think it's available, they can
just jump at the first sign ofoh, I'm not feeling it and just
kind of eject out of that,instead of trying to form a real
relationship with someone andfigure it out.
I know there's a lot of nuance,that I'm generalizing, right,
but I know it.

Julie (31:17):
It can be tough, but I don't know if you have any
thoughts you're saying thatwould be the mindset of every
person in the kiddie pool whichis there's not a lot of good
options the ejection part ohwell, I think it's.

J.R. (31:28):
I think it's part of the availability of people.
So like you can get scared andlike just give up, give up all
together and be like this personis genuinely good.
But because they don't looklike a 10 out of 10 k-pop idol
or they're not six feet and havesix figures and all you know
what I mean, or for girls it'sone thing, or for guys it's
another thing.
Yeah, and then you just well,they don't check boxes a, b, c

(31:49):
and d.
So therefore I'm just gonnajump and and again there's a lot
of nuances.
Now I'm trying to say don'thave standards.
But I'm saying like it's notlike traditional dating, where
it's like you have to meet aperson and looks can be one
factor of it, but on an app, allyou see are the looks first.

Julie (32:02):
Yeah, and that's your priority.
And sometimes, yeah, you'rejust not aware, but it's just,
you can't help, but it's justthe way the presentation goes,
yeah.

J.R. (32:15):
And then I think some people take that sort of jaded
mindset of, okay, they've beenon so many dates and haven't
worked out, and then now they'renot bringing their best self to
that other date and that personprobably generally was like
interested in trying to seewhere it goes.
But then now you just you knowyou drop the ball.

Julie (32:24):
You're demoralized, exactly honestly, yeah, I don't
blame the people who are tryingreally hard to put their best
foot, best foot forward and thengetting very demotivated
because after the first coupledates and you're just like it's
just not working out or peopleare just really bad people.

J.R. (32:43):
I'm trying to figure out what's a nice way to say it.

Julie (32:46):
You're just yeah, of course it's going to cast a
white, it's going to change yourlens of what's really out there
.
So so my takeaway is it'schance and you just can't give
up, depending on how determinedyou are, because, yeah, I guess
it's just like applying for jobs.

J.R. (33:06):
Applying for dating.

Julie (33:07):
Yeah, you know, and the more because back then, when I
was also dating as well, it wasvery bleak back then.
Like even back then it wasbleak.
So, and over time, I think itwas just chance.
You just don't know who's goingto crop up and then maybe it's
the right time, maybe you werein the right mindset, where you
happened to be able to beyourself on that date, or that

(33:32):
person maybe changed your mind.
That is just, to me, justchance.
However, destiny decided tomake you show up that day, but
honestly, yeah, I think it'spretty bleak.
I'm pretty pessimistic aboutthis.
Yeah, no, I mean same.

J.R. (33:45):
My question would be like what well, I'm gonna give my two
cents real quick, but then myquestion for you is what are
your thoughts on advice forpeople who are in the dating
market?
You know like to find theirperson.
And so from that question I'llsay, like my personal experience
, I've never had a person thatI've met through dating app that
, like, resulted in a long-termgood quality relationship.

(34:07):
And again, maybe it's just bychance I didn't happen upon good
people, yeah, but all of my,the people who I've dated who
are quality, you know, let's saymatches, relationships or
people who I knew in person ormet in person through people or
doing activities that I enjoyed,even though I did when I was
single for like periods of timewhere I would be like on dating
apps.
So just for me personally, it'snever panned out, but yeah so my

(34:29):
question to you.

Julie (34:30):
Yeah, I mean, I think for me, when you asked that
question, the first thing thathit my brain was to diversify
your options.
It's not to put all your eggsinto the dating app channel.
We definitely still have to betrying to meet people in real
life, because I think theculmination of you putting your
efforts out there, I guessmanifesting in a way.

(34:52):
I don't know if manifestingworks for some people, but in
terms of just putting yourselfout there in different ways, it
really already sets you up forsome kind of success Maybe not
short term, but in the long run,like you're going to happen
upon it when you aren't reallylooking or expecting it.
But I think when you focus allyour energies into one pipeline

(35:13):
and you're hoping things workout, I think mentally you're
already in a really bad placementally, because then you feel
this sense of urgency and you'relike, why isn in a really bad
place mentally?
Yeah, yeah, because becausethen you feel this sense of
urgency and you're like whyisn't it happening yet?
Why is everyone like xyz?
But I think when you're justdistracting yourself and trying
a bunch of different things,then you're so focused on that
that when something does happen,you're like whoa, yeah how and

(35:36):
where?
yeah I mean, it sounds very I do.
What's the word romanticized?
Yeah but, like I said, I liketo compare things a lot to the
job hunting landscape.

J.R. (35:46):
I think they're so similar yeah jules either looking for a
job or a partner she's in arelationship, but you know, I
mean yeah, but I think it'shonestly very similar.
Yeah, yeah okay, I'm, oh sorry,it's your turn for a topic, but
now I have a few thoughts onthat because it's like on the
term, the topic of like romantic, right, like I learned.

(36:06):
Okay, so I have anotherdefinition for romance or
romantic, and I learned it froma like a dieting fitness book
okay yeah, so anyways, that'sanother sort of.
I feel like we've talked aboutthis before but, what's your
question?

Julie (36:18):
I don't have one.
Let's talk about what you thisbefore but what's your question?

J.R. (36:20):
I don't have one.
Let's talk about what you werethinking Whoa, but it's your
turn.

Julie (36:22):
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
What are some things aboutpresent day JR, that previous JR
, whatever version, or what dothey call it in the Avengers?
What are they called Timeline?
Well the previous versions ofyou wouldn't believe.

J.R. (36:40):
What about the current me that my past self wouldn't
believe?
Yeah?

Julie (36:44):
if your past self saw you now, they'd be like wow, I
can't believe you are likethat's really hard.

J.R. (36:51):
As someone who self-reflects constantly, I
can't even think of a goodquestion because, looking back I
maybe I romanticized the ideathat I'm still the same person I
was a long time ago.
I was reading an old journalentry of mine from like when I
was 13, okay, and it's so veryspazzy, add like quirky, and I
laughed at all of his jokes.
I'm like this is funny.

(37:11):
This kid is hell of funny, my13 year old self so.
So I feel like we vibe, youknow that's so wholesome Right.
And so my thought on that is Ifeel like I haven't changed much
, like when I went to my highschool reunion, like years back
our tenure, and people were likeman Jared, like you really
haven't changed, but not in abad way, like meaning like
you're older, more experiencedand more quote-unquote wise.

(37:32):
But I appreciated that sort offeedback from people that I'm
still the same person, like mysame stupid jokes, same mindset.

Julie (37:39):
True, I'm trying to think about the you that I knew in
2012.
You're right, you are actuallythe same.

J.R. (37:45):
Yes, consistency, we love it.

Julie (37:47):
Yeah, you're just obviously more successful as
time passes.

J.R. (37:50):
I would hope so, I won't label myself as successful, but
I feel like I'm at least doingthings that I feel like I want
to do, which that's mydefinition, but but yeah, I
don't know.
I don't know if I can answer itI mean I could say, oh, I'm
surprised I'm doing all thesethings, but maybe my past self
either didn't care or I'm like,oh yeah, that makes sense, I
always want to do stand-upcomedy or a little podcast.
That makes sense.
You've always liked learningand teaching or whatever.

(38:12):
Yeah, or dancing I've alwaysliked well, not always, but I've
been dancing for a long time soI don't know.

Julie (38:16):
If it's, I would surprise myself, is my thought when did
you start dancing and how didthat I?

J.R. (38:21):
think it was like middle school, okay, where my sister
danced first and then I waswatching music videos like
omarion and b2k and I was like,oh, let me learn how to dance
and my sister's popular and Iwant friends, so let me learn
how to dance too.
And so now you know, 20 yearslater, I don't have friends, but
I still dance.
I can dance.
That's a joke.

Julie (38:38):
But really funny joke.

J.R. (38:39):
I like yeah, thanks, I couldn't even physically laugh
out loud you know I don't havefriends still, but like at least
I can dance.
But yeah, I tried to dancebecause I wanted friends.
But yeah, music videos and thenjust joining dance team and
following my sister's footstepsand also being Filipino as part
of that, I guess yeah but yeah,I think that was.
That's how I started, but it waslike it was cool because I was
thinking about this yesterday,the feeling of dancing sorry, I

(39:00):
was listening to a Trevor Noahand Simon Sinek podcast, like I
mentioned, and there's what isthe earliest childhood memory
that you had that you feltreally happy.
Oh, and this isn't to answerthat question, but I do remember
at the high school, my middleschool dance, the feeling of I'm
freestyling and people are like, wow, jira, you can dance.
And I'm like, wow, this is thething that's defining me, it
makes me stand out.
And I felt really good, to feelunique.
And since middle school throughhigh school.

(39:22):
That was the thing thatseparated me from people was
like I'm the dancer.
Because a lot of my otherfriends didn't dance, and so
that was making me feel specialand I think I lean into that a
lot.
Okay, that makes a lot of sense.

Julie (39:40):
Okay, I need to throw any of those topics or questions
over to you.

J.R. (39:41):
So things that surprise you or how did you?

Julie (39:42):
start dancing, or you know any of those.
Well, I was gonna yeah, I wasgonna ask you do you think I've
changed?
In the last 10 or so years thatyou've known me.
No, I'm taking critical.

J.R. (39:49):
Oh no, first of all, julie's always open to critical
feedback.
No, I don't think't think so.
I think you are generally thesame.
Maybe I'm wrong, but that'sjust my perspective.
I think you're the same becausewe started dancing K-pop and
you have the same sort ofmindset mentality.
I think the only difference isI know you've been through more
stuff- oh yeah, just a bunch ofrandom life, right but I think

(40:10):
temperament, I think mindset, Ithink like how you are as a
person.

Julie (40:14):
I don't think it's changed.

J.R. (40:16):
And I think I don't know what drastically changed people
Like events that like make themlike, wow, they used to be so
happy and now they're all sad.
Or like they used to be, likeblah, but now they're serious.
You know, I don't know.

Julie (40:26):
Yeah.

J.R. (40:26):
But for me I feel like you're very similar to before.

Julie (40:30):
Okay, okay, it's true, I think I must have asked someone
a long time ago.

J.R. (40:37):
They say well, you look the same and you don't look much
different.

Julie (40:39):
I mean, I know you're older, but yeah, but past me
probably, well, I'll say in my20s I was mostly stressed all
the time and under a lot ofpressure and I don't think that
past me would have thought thatI would be less stressed in the
future.
So I think I've achieved alittle, a lot more freedom in

(41:03):
certain things in the last, say,four to four to five years.
I feel happier.
I think the things that made mehappier now I don't think was
possible before you know becauseI just, you know, like one
thing, like I'm an only child,there's a lot of pressure,
filial, like things, and so I'vebeen able to sort all of that

(41:25):
out, and I didn't think I wouldbe able to get to that point.
Yeah, it's very stressful, so Iwhat do you think helped you?
Is it just intentional effort tosort those things out or do you
think something helped um oradvice, mindset help, help
having seeking help?
Oh, seeking like external help.
Yeah, I guess I've just been.
I was fortunate that that therewere people like family members

(41:46):
who were able to help me getout of places where I felt stuck
like career I remember when Iwas younger in college, I felt
stuck at having to go.
I remember, when I was youngerin college, I felt stuck at
having to go with a certaincareer that was forced upon me.
And you know, like Ipersonality wise, like I didn't
grow up like with a rebelliousnature, so it was not natural
for me to say no or setboundaries.

(42:08):
So I always felt like I neededto achieve this on my own, I
needed to carry this out on myown.
So seeking help was notsomething that I also turned to
very easily.
So the fact that I wasfortunate that there were
players around me who decided tointervene and essentially save
me.
So no, you shouldn't be doingthat, because we know what you

(42:28):
really want.
So we're going to help youadvocate for yourself, so, and
that helped me later on, youknow, in terms of family stuff
too, so, um and so that thoseare the things that made me kind
of surprised, like I neverreally thought that those things
were possible for me, because Ithought that my life was
already planned out for me and Iwas going to be stuck that way
for the rest of my life.

(42:50):
Um, let's see what else we weask.
Oh, how I got started dancing.
Also music videos, but not btk,but in sync.
Yes, who is that, thatchoreographer that did bye, bye,
bye?
He used to come with the dvds.

J.R. (43:05):
Maybe sean his name, nope, not sean, but either way, sean
michael anthony yeah, there wasthere.

Julie (43:15):
There was a d DVDs back then where they would teach you
the choreography.
Oh, the bye, bye, bye.
And that was the choreographer,Mm-hmm yeah it was his DVDs,
and so I remembered trying tolearn all the dances and Jessica
Simpson and probably Beyoncetheir concerts were on TV all
the time.
Darren Henson, oh, that's thetime, darren Henson, oh, that's

(43:37):
his name, darren.

J.R. (43:38):
Henson so close, so close Like that's nowhere close to
Sean.
Sean Darren, same thing.
You know, was that the guy?

Julie (43:45):
Yeah it was definitely him.
Yes, I learned bye-bye-bye fromhim, and it's going to be me,
yeah.
Nice.
So yeah, it was music videos aswell.
I wanted to be a backup dancerfor stars, but then I saw that
they wore midriffs and I waslike my father would disagree.

J.R. (44:03):
You're like that is a deal breaker.
Yeah, I can't do this, Can't bea professional dancer.

Julie (44:07):
Yeah, they got too many midriffs.

J.R. (44:10):
Yeah, so in an alternate universe, you we were able to
wear midriffs.

Julie (44:14):
you could be a backup dancer yeah, nice, oh my gosh,
yeah, what was it?
There was another question,there was a third one, I don't
remember.
I'm very tipsy, we can keepgoing, so okay.

J.R. (44:26):
So topics either dating and or over investing.
So basically the secrets ofdating, of an attraction and
romance.
That's something I love talkingabout.
Separate romance, thatdefinition of romance, and then
third, conditional versusunconditional love oh, let's
answer all of it which one do westart?

Julie (44:46):
with.
Oh, the one that you're reallyexcited about over the dating.
The other one secrets.

J.R. (44:50):
No, the secrets of dating attraction, yeah okay, so I can
spend hours talking about thistopic.
But okay, so you know.
People like, how do I startthis?
I learned this in the book andmaybe I'll link to it in the
show notes, but you know,there's these books that I read
that were made by venusianartists or pickup artists like
venus, venusian artists and alot of it is very like shady,

(45:11):
very scummy sort of principles,but the psychology and the
social dynamics make a lot ofsense.
Okay, meaning I'm not trying tobe like what's that dude's name?
That's bald and he's like verylike toxic men culture forgot
his name anyways but it's likevery low alpha males, right, but
grain of salt, which listen tothe psychology, which is there
are three phases of dating.
Whenever I talk about dating isit's like the attraction

(45:31):
building phase, the comfortbuilding stage and the intimacy
building phase.
And when people try to jumpstraight into, let's say, stage
two, which is like comfortbuilding oh, I want to be your
friend, I'm going to be supernice to you you skip the
attraction building stage andthen they don't feel anything
for you and you're just a friend.
Or if you start off as friendsand then you try to revert to

(45:52):
dating, you first meet someoneand build that relationship and
not jump to comfort building.
But if you also jump tointimacy building too fast, then
you're just either friends withbenefits, but they don't want
to be your friend, if you justjump from phase one to phase
three.
So that's one thing that peoplehave to understand is like you
can't just date someone and justbe nice, and I'm not saying not
being nice is the bad thing but, I'm saying there's like an

(46:13):
order to it that psychologicallymakes more sense to people,
because it's like, as much asyou might love this person,
you're like, they're great, butyou're like, but I don't feel a
chemistry or a spark.
It's because you or they jumpedpast phase one into comfort
building.
And comfort building is likethe things that friends do.
Attraction building isdifferent.
So what attraction is?
How I conceptualized it fromwhat I've learned is like the.

(46:34):
It can be manufactured and it'smystery, anxiety, like things
that make you question and youknow, like, how do you fall in
love with someone?
It's not usually at one pointin time, but it's over time is
by thinking about them all thetime.
Is what do they think about me?
And now you're thinking aboutwhat they're thinking about, and
now you fall in love with themover time and exactly, you're
obsessed with them.
And that how do you makesomeone obsessed with you is not

(46:56):
transparency, because if youtell them everything on your
mind, you show all your cards,they're like I know what you're
thinking, I know you like me,there's no mystery, I'm not
going to think about you but, ifyou're hot, like hot and cold,
you know it's like the bad boythat people fall in love with.

Julie (47:08):
Or the, you know the girl who's?

J.R. (47:10):
really out there and you're not sure what they're
thinking about.
That's the person you're gonnabe thinking about all the time,
because you're like how do theyfeel about me?
They were warm and then theywere cold and I'm on this
emotional roller coaster.
They give me anxiety, but thenthey make me feel good, but then
they don't talk to me andthey're talking to other people
that's crazy right, and so thatmystery anxiety is what makes
you obsess over them and it'slike that sort of one night
stand feeling of oh yeah, youwant to sleep with this person,

(47:31):
because they switch all of theseemotional triggers into you and
that's how you build attraction.
It's exciting, it's excitingright.
And so therefore, my adviceusually, or like how I approach
it or how I tell peopleconceptualize it is like when
you're dating someone, you'renot trying to be an asshole, but
you're not trying to be a goody, two-shoes, nice person quote
unquote because that's not goingto build the attraction.

(47:52):
It's going to be like beingyour authentic self, speaking
your truth and being bold withyour opinions and being
respectful, obviously like withintegrity, but knowing the
social dynamics of what makespeople think about you.
And how you build attraction isconfidence, not being needy.
That's the biggest thing iswhen people are like very needy
and needy, you can define thatyourself, but it's like
over-investment in someone andsaying, oh, you want to hang out

(48:13):
, I'm so available for you, asopposed to I'm busy because I'm
legitimately.
I have my own life andpriorities and purpose, but I do
like you and want to be withyou, and so you're authentic
self, but you're not needy.
You don't need them at all and Ithink that sort of mindset,
mentality or stance will makeyou more attractive than someone
who's so comfortable, soavailable, such a nice person,
and they're just so bland.
That person gets ghosted 10times out of 10 or some sort of

(48:36):
high percentage, right Like theperson I was talking about
earlier that like got ghosted.
He's a very nice guy.
I don't know how he does on theattraction building phase, but
I know he's comfort buildingphase.
He's really good.
We also have a mutual friend ofours I won't out them, but this
person is also also very goodat the comfort building stage
but he always he, they don't, hedoesn't build attraction and
then the girls just kind of loseinterest in him and I'm like

(48:57):
you're a nice guy, but you needto learn how to do phase one,
which is building thatattraction, having that charisma
and then you can go on theother phases yeah so that's a
very long tangent no, but I loveit.

Julie (49:08):
Talk like hearing you talk about it every time.

J.R. (49:09):
The other thing.
So the other thing.
There's another concept, that'smore people in relationships,
which is the.
I learned this from a bookmating in captivity by esther
pearl highly recommend it's avery good book.
I think we've talked about thisonce or twice.
But there's two petals in arelationship where I fall in
this with an ex of mine, whereit's we had a lot of.
You know, we were together fora long time but we fell out of

(49:30):
it because the there two pedalsright, there's comfort building
and then there's the erotic,which is the intimacy.
And the erotic is the samething as, like the mystery, the
attraction.
That's how you have that spark,right.
With some couples that gothrough all of this, they get to
a point where it's like theydon't have any love life in the
bedroom, right, or like theyjust feel like you wouldn't have

(49:52):
any attraction.
We love each other deeply butit's because they're not pushing
on the pedal of the eroticbuilding, and erotic building is
is created in space meaning youif you're always with your
partner, like every singlesecond of the day.
Right, we talk about this likeevery single second of the day.
There's no space between you.
You don't have different circleof friends.
There's no space that you theerotic between you is the space

(50:13):
so the more space you have withsomeone, the more eroticism
there is.
And with dating that mysteryperson, you have a lot of space
with them because you have nocomfort with them.
So therefore there's a lot oferoticism between you and them
and that's why one night standsare easier.
But with your partner thatyou've known so intimately it's
hard to build the erotic ifyou're always so together.
So her recommendation and she'slike a, you know, a couples

(50:33):
therapist and has been doingwork for a long time, so I
highly recommend her work mating, captivity, esther perel,
erotic intelligence is that youalways have to like you have
your own circle of friends, youhave your own priorities and you
obviously come together andbuild that space.
But you need to also buildspace between you two separated,
because then otherwise you'regoing to kill that part of it.
But then you go back into thecomfort building and you need to

(50:54):
spend time together, betransparent, have those talks
where you're comfortable witheach other.
But then let's say in thebedroom like having more space
and like having the eroticbuilding that you need the two
pedals, and so a lot of couplesmight.
If you've been together for along time, you might only be
pushing one pedal of the comfortbuilding, but not the erotic
building that's I building butnot the erotic building.
Yeah, um, that's.
I feel like that's a very.

(51:14):
That paradigm changed the way Isee it as well, because I feel
like that's very important forcouples to know is like, if
you're, you know you need tobuild the comfort, but also, if
you get to that phase where it'slike you've been together for
years, you need to also buildthe erotic in your relationship
to keep it alive, because it'lldie and, as soon as you like,
stop having intimate moments inthe bedroom.

Julie (51:30):
That's for me, like I've experienced that where it's like
that's when your relationshipwill start to die yeah, then you
start becoming just friends,just friends exactly yeah, going
back in the beginning, when youwere talking about those three
stages probably having to go inthat order, do you think that
originates from just how?
Humans have always justoperated, do you think?

(51:52):
It's like nature, like naturalor hard coding or whatever yeah,
or do you think that it wasman-made that, that transition?

J.R. (52:00):
I want to say because it's psychology and social dynamics.
I want to say it's like naturalbecause, if you think.
Okay, that book also.
Again, I don't really recommendthe book but you can read it
for, like knowledge which wasmystery method by mystery.
It is like I said, those guysall the by mystery.
It's a read it for, likeknowledge which was Mystery,
method by Mystery.
It is like I said, those guysall the by Mystery.

Julie (52:16):
It's a student, it's like his name.

J.R. (52:18):
Mystery is his name, but he's a pickup artist in like the
early 2000s or something likethat.
Again, a lot of that book isvery scummy.
And then the people in thatsort of era are very scummy
because they would pick up womenand sleep with them and all
this other stuff right outdated,and stuff exactly and so, but
like the principles, like I canunderstand why they worked for
them, because they weresuccessful in finding women in
bars and sleeping with them,right.

(52:39):
So I think it's more nature,because you know the whole work,
curiosity and again buildingsort of that erotic and then
going through those phasesbecause people want to
romanticize.
I found my soulmate but I'mlike you know a lot of people
prove that you can manufactureall of these things and, being
like a logical person myself,I'm like okay, I vibe with that,
I don't think it's just a magicin the air yeah just falling in

(53:00):
love with someone.
I think you can manufacture that, because social dynamics is
very.
Even though it is an art, itcan be a science too.

Julie (53:06):
Yeah what's the difference to you love what like
the art versus the science.

J.R. (53:10):
Well, I mean, I think it's because, like, people are
different, right, but then it'sa science.
Science meaning, if someone canprove systematically they can
pick up people and make themfall in love with them and sleep
with them, then I feel likethat is a science right.
Because, look, I can show youthe method.
It's called the mystery method.

Julie (53:25):
Formulate and not necessarily skill.

J.R. (53:28):
The great thing about it is that the book, the writer,
who was like a journalist.
He went undercover for twoyears and he wrote a book called
like the game.
That was the famous one, andthen the second part of it was
the truth and long story short,tldr.
The conclusion is he's yeah,being a pickup artist no
fulfillment at the end of thatroad.
You will be very insecure.
You have terrible relationships.
So he's.
The second book was like himgoing full circle and being like

(53:48):
I had to work through myself intherapy and all this other
stuff and realize thatshort-term chasing, being good
at picking up women did not leadanywhere and it left me feeling
empty.
And now building a relationshipwith my actual wife and the
relationship that he found gavehim way more fulfillment.
Because all the pickup you canlearn how to pick up women and
sleep with them all you want.
But that's a dead end.

(54:08):
And he says no, it's actuallyloving yourself and building
actual relationships andrespecting people and
understanding that is the realgold at the end of the pot of
the gold and the rainbow.
So that's the happy ending.
I don't recommend anyone dothat.
And the author himself, who wasa very good pickup artist, says
too.
He's like don't do it.
It's gratifying to think yeah,I can figure out how to make

(54:32):
people want to sleep with me,but he's like no, don't do it.
Trust.
You know I can figure out howto make people want to sleep
with me, but he's like, no,don't do it, trust none of us
are happy is what he said.

Julie (54:43):
Wow, that is actually kind of a wholesome story.

J.R. (54:44):
I'm glad it turned out that way.
I'm glad he didn't end up happyand stuff.

Julie (54:45):
You know, while you're talking about that, it was I
wanted me to hear your take on.
Have you heard the song BadHabits by Usher?

J.R. (54:52):
I think so.
If I hear it, well, it goes badhabits.

Julie (54:57):
Just kidding, okay.
So I think this is a verycommon theme in a lot of the R&B
songs that I listen to, whereyou're already in a committed
relationship but you just can'thelp.
But you have this bad habitwhere you want to keep looking
and you have this side personthat you rendezvous with and,
even though you love your mainperson, it's just like a habit

(55:18):
you can't kick.
So Usher's song is just abouthow he loves his main person so
much and he feels so terrible,but he just can't help wanting
to buy a bag for this other lady.
I think that's what the song is.

J.R. (55:30):
Maybe I'm never like he's just projecting.
Yeah, you know this is a greatsong, but so that's what the
song is.
Maybe I'm never he's justprojecting.

Julie (55:35):
Yeah, you know I this is a great song.
But so I'm curious is there wassomething you said earlier that
made me think, um, why?
Oh yeah, because I was thinkingabout he was saying pickup
artists.
It's not, there's just nofulfillment at the end.
But I'm thinking about, well,what about the individuals where
not only are they maybe doingit lifelong, or the ones where
they just can't kick the habit,like where do you?
Think that comes from or why.

J.R. (55:56):
You mean, like, why people want to pick up people, or
people want to.

Julie (56:00):
Like why does Usher feel that way?
Well, not him personally, I'msure he's just like why?

J.R. (56:04):
do people feel that?
I think it's just a sense ofinsecurity, right.
They feel like they're notgetting their needs met and or
Okay, so I'll just close this.
But okay, I was insecure when Iwas younger, obviously, and I
wanted to learn how to get girlsto like me.
Let me just throw that outthere and be honest, right, and
so I knew that me wanting to getgood at people, getting people

(56:25):
to like me, was stemmed frominsecurity okay, true, I didn't
love myself enough and I feellike I wasn't enough, right?
yeah, now I'm glad to say thatwhere I'm at now, I'm very
secure and I love myself and allthose people around me who care
about me.
But, like back then, I wantedthat gratification of people to
say, oh my God, I really likeyou.
And or specifically like peoplewho I thought were pretty to
like me back.

(56:45):
Yeah, and I didn't evennecessarily want to like them,
but it was just because I was soinsecure.

Julie (56:50):
Yeah.

J.R. (56:59):
Right, so insecure, yeah, right.
And so I think maybe that's whyI'm like so big into like
relationships, because it's likethat's that was like where I
messed up and now that knowingthat's it's it.
When you go to the dark sideand learn these the dark side,
the power of the dark side it'sbecause you're missing something
and I feel like it stems frominsecurity is that different
from needing validation to you?
no, I mean that I think that'sit, validation yeah because if
you'revalidated, if you don'tvalidate it in your spirituality
and your family and yourself,self-love, of course you're
going to want it from otherpeople.
And so when we create thatvalidation from others, it's

(57:21):
because you're insecure.
Yeah, easier said than done andwe're all insecure.
So I'm not trying to talk downon anyone, we just work on it.
Anything else we're wrapping upon time.

Julie (57:32):
Oh, I'm sure there's so much.

J.R. (57:34):
Yeah, there's so much, obviously, episode 40.

Julie (57:37):
We only have room for one more question, Sure yeah, one
more question, you want it to belike a serious one.

J.R. (57:43):
Anything Okay, efficiently buzzed.

Julie (57:47):
Okay, when you go to a new boba shop or tea shop,
what's your thought process on?

J.R. (57:55):
choosing one like how do you choose?
This is what I'm going to order.
Um, what's your?
Because some people do go-to'slike what's my go-to?
Some people are like oh yeahbecause what's a safe one,
what's a go-to, what's thespecial here?
The name is called xyz boba.
Oh, let me try the xyz boba onthe menu, right?
yeah, like I might default tothat, like they're special, or
if they have a matcha latte or astrawberry matcha latte or just
a regular fruit tea okay Iwon't be disappointed, because

(58:18):
those are usually the same, butI also won't be surprised, okay
so those are your, those are mythose are my three safe ones.
Which is either the special,what they're known for, or
matcha latte, or a fruit tea.

Julie (58:28):
Okay, but then I know you are someone who documents, and
also you.
You document your stats for alot of things too so, in terms
of patterns, do you findyourself going for safe more
often, or you're always tryingto try something um new, but you
think it's going to be great,or I don't know oh no, I think
like it's 80 20.

J.R. (58:48):
I'm disappointed 80 of the time by new choices and 20% of
the time they work out.

Julie (58:55):
And then.

J.R. (58:55):
so, therefore, 80% of the time I'll choose my safe choices
, and 20% of the time I'll soit's an 80-20 world, both ways.
Okay, that's what I feel like.
Maybe I'm just pulling that onmy ass.

Julie (59:04):
So 80% you are going with ?

J.R. (59:06):
I know this is going to make me happy?
Probably yeah.
What about you?

Julie (59:09):
I always try new stuff knowing that it was probably
going to be disappointing, butthe curiosity is so great that
I'm like I'm willing to just gofor the herbal tea, shabu broth.
So instead of you know what'sprobably recommended, like the
house special.

(59:29):
I'm like forget the housespecial, Like that's just going
to be.
What is it expected, right?
So yeah, I guess that just sumsme up as a person probably.
Nice, just seeking the unknown,no matter what happens.

J.R. (59:42):
Yeah, that's funny because I feel like my approach also
sums me up as a person too.
I'm more like safe riskmitigation.
But on that topic too I justmentioned before we started
recording with, like my amc,alcoholic drink addiction.
I think we started with that.

Julie (59:56):
We start with that.
I don't know if it was oncamera.

J.R. (59:59):
But, like I, my weakness is novelty stuff.
So if you tell me seasonal, ifyou tell me like limited time
only, if you tell me it's aspecialty for this thing, okay
I'll be like, okay, just take mymoney.
I want to try this.
Okay, I don't care if I like itor not I want the novelty,
novelty of it.
Because the scarcity, I'm fearof loss.

Julie (01:00:14):
That is hilarious Because like yeah, I'm like okay.

J.R. (01:00:17):
well, it's going to be away sometime soon, so let me
just try it.
And then it's.
Even if it sucks, I'm like, Itried it, it sucked.

Julie (01:00:23):
Don't try it, you know but, at least I want to know for
myself.

J.R. (01:00:25):
Yeah, exactly gonna watch it because I want to know for
myself, okay.
But again, I don't know ifthose are the same parallels,
but for novelty stuff I'm asucker for, but for movies I
will still watch it.
If there's something thatintrigues me about it the, the
actors, the director or theconcept I'll still watch it yeah
but yeah, some people like, ohmy god, this big movie.

(01:00:48):
People hate it.
Like, well, I'm still gonnawatch it.
People a lot of put a lot ofeffort into this big budget
movie or it's a brand name orsomething that I know or an
actor that I like.
Maybe it does suck, but I'mstill going to watch it.

Julie (01:00:59):
I'll see it for myself.

J.R. (01:01:01):
I don't trust people's reviews.
Sometimes People just overhypethings.
Alright, anything else, lastwords or thoughts, no, just
congratulations.

Julie (01:01:10):
as always, it's an honor to be here.

J.R. (01:01:12):
Thank you for being here.

Julie (01:01:14):
That was really cool, yeah, and I like the eggnog.

J.R. (01:01:16):
This was fun.
I'm maybe I'm a little morebuzzed than you, but I feel good
all right, we'll sign off thenthank you, julie, so much for
being here.
I appreciate it.
Hope you guys enjoyed thisrandom show talk.
If you guys are listening to usanywhere, comment, subscribe
please.
I don't do a call to actionusually but I'll do it now since
I'm kind of buzzed.
But also, if you have anysuggestions for topics
recommendations group likepeople you want to send my way

(01:01:37):
just DM me, message me.
Like the pages.
Anywhere, comment, I'll see it.
But yeah, recommendation foranything.
What did you like about theepisodes?
What do you want to see more ofless of?
You know stuff like that, sojust let me know All right.
So thank you guys for tuning inReminder to always be kind to
yourself, others as well asyourself especially, and know

(01:01:58):
that you can always learnsomething from someone if you
take the time to listen.
So thank you guys for beinghere.

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#20: Random Show with Julie Huynh - KPOP Idol Worship, Dating Culture, and the Secrets of Attraction

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#20: Random Show with Julie Huynh - KPOP Idol Worship, Dating Culture, and the Secrets of Attraction