June 4, 2025 • 41 mins
A powerful story of growing up, surviving abuse and homelessness, and how even in the darkest times a chance meeting can change everything. "The only place I felt safe was when I walked to school and walked home... for me that was my safe place and I'd listen to my music and it was like I was going into battle, getting ready, because I didn't know what would happen ." #otherlivesareavailable #podcast #eastlondon #musician
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
It wasn't just the fact that I was that I I would recognise
very early on that I was different to probably everybody
and I was aware that everyone's an individual quite young, but I
was extremely difficult and different as a kid.
(00:20):
So for instance, the first time I run away from home I was 2,
which is quite crazy. Like I don't, I thought it's
difficult because my mum and dadare still alive, my family is
still alive, but it was a difficult family to live in.
It was quite a violent and aggressive home.
(00:43):
So whether that's a reason why Iwas often away with the fairies
or not, I don't know what, What the cause of that is, I don't
know. But I was, I was quite aware of,
of my, my difference, especiallywith other kids, because to me
(01:06):
it seemed like everybody just went along with what they were
told. And I questioned everything and
I, I had to be free always. I had to be, no, I'm doing this.
You not go that way. I'm going this way.
And I didn't notice the like I thought it was normal in my
(01:33):
family for a long time. The sort of difficult part of
it, how how angry and violent itwas.
It was when I was about 8, I, I stayed at friends.
I went after school and maybe 7,I went after school and I played
(01:53):
and had dinner at my friend's house.
And I remember sitting there at the table and I could feel, you
know, when all families pretend when there's a guest, so they
might clear up, they might act really nice in front of a guest,
but it wasn't like that. And I could sense it.
It was like that was how they naturally were.
(02:13):
They were, they accepted each other.
Even the children were important, their voices, what
they were saying. They weren't smothered or told
to shut up or threatened. And I suddenly thought, oh, is
this what family supposed to be?And then it started reflecting
on me that actually where I am isn't really good for for me or
(02:35):
right. But my mother was very concerned
with me being like seen as different.
So she was always trying to hidethat from people.
So I wasn't allowed to be dyslexic.
I wasn't allowed to have something wrong with me because
(02:57):
it was somehow a reflection on her, her not having a child that
that wasn't as good as she'd hoped, you know, or, or as
normal as she'd hoped. But she was very aware that I
was free from the beginning and it was very difficult to control
me or tell me what to do. For instance, at 2:00, the age
(03:22):
of 2, a lot of things happened. Like we had a milkman who used
to come into our little cul-de-sac and he knew all the
parents, all the kids. It's different times back then,
he'd come in, he'd talk to all the parents, do his milk round,
and the kids would jump in the milk flow.
He'd drive to the end of the street and we'd all jump out and
(03:43):
run back. But I was the only one who was
watching him. The kids were doing it for the
ride but I was watching him like, how do you operate this?
And then one day he was stood there talking to my mum and dad
and in front of them I climbed in his milk float and stole it
and drove and I was 2, which is quite crazy if you think about.
(04:06):
Climbing. Yeah, I could.
I was. I could reach the steering wheel
at full stretch while standing on the pedal, but I had to take
the handbrake off with both hands because it was strong.
It was stiff, you know, and I was heading straight to the end
of the street where there was parked cars and he was like a
sort of an unfit mid, mid 30s guy.
(04:29):
And these machines haven't got any doors.
And I, I clearly remember him running up level with, with the
milk float like white, like he'dseen a ghost, terrified.
And he just about caught me, goton, lifted me off the pedal, sat
me down just before I hit the parked cars at the end.
(04:50):
But I I was born with No Fear atall.
None. That that is a that is a
startling memory from childhood.Yeah, and and.
And and it's still clear as day.Yeah, so clear.
Do you know I've got memories from before?
I was one, like really strange. Like once I said to my mum,
(05:11):
where where was that place that your sister Jackie lived, my
auntie where she had a flat and there was a front room and you
went through and then there was a white room with a chest of
drawers and some Fisher Price toys on the top and a staircase
that went spiralled around like clockwise.
(05:32):
And she said how you can't remember that.
How do you remember that? And I say, I remember it
totally. I remember walking up the stairs
and my auntie saying come on, you can't come up here, come
back down. And I'd sit on the floor playing
with my cousin who was about 3 months younger or two months
younger than me, but she seemed like a baby to me.
(05:53):
But I was a baby. So, you know, it's only a few
months. So from very, very young, I was
running before I was 1, running,not crawling or walking.
When I was nine months old, I was running around.
So I kind of have an understanding that that it must
have been difficult for my mum because she she was probably
(06:14):
like, what the hell is this? Like we got to watch this kid
24/7. And you said you had No Fear.
Yeah. And you said you needed freedom.
Yeah. Freedom and No Fear.
Yeah. As a potent mix.
Yeah, very dangerous, I suppose,for a parent in a parent's eyes.
(06:35):
But. As an adult, those are two
concepts or ways of looking at the world that we admire.
We're like, I would love to haveNo Fear.
I would love to have freedom allthe time.
That's what we aspire to. But as a kid.
It's, it's strange, isn't it, toget your head round.
And it's funny because I didn't lose that through my life.
(06:57):
Like it was very tough for me inschool because I knew and I
recognized that school was kind of trying to take away the kid
inside me. And it was like trying to beat
me down and take my, my, my colours away, you know, my
energy and my, my spirit and my freedom, trying to make me fear
(07:22):
things. I was abused in all ways at
school. And I went to five schools and
out of five schools, four of them I got abused in certain
ways, physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually.
So it was tough for me because I, I, the only place I felt safe
(07:46):
was when I walked to school and walked home, which for most kids
is the most dangerous time because they're alone.
But for me, that was my safe place.
And I'd listen to my music and it was like I was going into
battle, like getting ready, you know, because I never didn't
know what would happen. And adults.
Well, either way. Yeah.
(08:06):
And it seemed like adults would lash out without thinking.
And, and I could, I could see the dangers of that.
Like, you know, a couple of times it was really bad, really,
really bad. And I had to keep my mouth shut,
you know, and actually lie to protect the people who who
(08:29):
abused me. What about your friends, or the
kids you knocked around with? Or the kids in the cul-de-sac?
Did you feel different from themtoo?
Yeah, yeah, always. And I, I was, I found it very
hard to make friends. I think.
I don't know if that was becauseI was always moving, but I
(08:51):
remember even before I moved, the first time, I could play
with kids. But I didn't see them as like
having a best friend. They were just other people and
I couldn't relate to no one. It was like I it was like I
didn't need anyone. I know that sounds strange, but
(09:14):
I felt like I was OK with just me and and I could play or
interact with anyone, but I didn't.
I didn't need the acceptance. I didn't need the recognition.
I didn't need, yeah. So you weren't a loner because
(09:34):
you could interact with anyone. You were happy to knock around
with whoever. Yeah, but.
You didn't need them, Yeah. I was kind of like, I probably
was looked at as a loner by a lot of people, a lot of kids
because I wouldn't attach myselfto anything.
So I so for instance, when I remember when I was in secondary
(09:55):
school and I was about from the age of sort of 12, I really
started noticing. So I'd sit in the playground at
lunchtimes and I'd watch all thekids and I'd see all the groups
of kids that they were like the kids who played chess, not a
chess club. There were the kids who kicked
(10:16):
the tennis ball round the playground.
There were the kids who went to the end of the field and smoked
cigarettes, you know, There werethe popular kids, the unpopular
kids. They all sort of grouped up.
And I'd know and get on with oneor two from each group, but I
wouldn't be a part of any group.And I remember watching them and
(10:36):
realizing they all had the same thing in common, was that none
of them were brave enough to be themselves.
None of them, because they all needed to be accepted by the
group. So they were all trying to be or
say or act or do what they thought.
The others, it needed from them not to be not funny enough or
(11:00):
not clever enough or you know what I mean.
So it was like they were always judging themselves from what
they thought the others were judging them from.
And looking back now from your adult point of view, looking at
that child sitting in the playground, looking at the other
(11:22):
groups of kids, do you feel sorry for that kid that you
were? I did for a long time, but it's
funny because I had some kind oftough experiences where I was on
the street, living on the street, and it was that woman.
(11:44):
I could say it was a lot of spiritual experience and I
really, because it was like I stripped everything away.
I had nothing. I just had a few bags of clothes
and I, I had no house to, to make me feel safe.
I had no family that, that I felt loved by.
I had no girlfriend that you know, that I, that I had a good
(12:09):
relationship and a bond with. I had no job that gave me and
empowerment, I had no possessions that gave me
ownership and I felt this warmthin me that was like a kind of an
internal happiness. That was the first time I
realised what real happiness was.
(12:31):
And actually most people are tricked and their happiness is
external. So they've got a car that might
look, you know, they've got a nice car and a nice house and a
nice and that makes them happy. But inside what's going on in
now it's like. So I realised that without all
(12:55):
those things, I started to see myself much more clearer.
And then I started to realise that actually all those
experiences I went through, as tough as they were and without
comparing to other people, because obviously there's people
in the world who have had terrible, terrible sufferings
(13:15):
and still are even now all over the world.
So it was for me, it was like anenlightenment where I realised
that actually you get what you get and it makes you who you are
or it breaks who you are and, and it's OK to fall down because
(13:36):
it's the building up that that realigns you.
Because kids are like buildings really.
If they got a, a bad foundation that they, it's like a wonky
building and it, they spend their whole life trying to
straighten up, you know. So it was, it was the
realisation I didn't need sympathy and I didn't need to, I
(14:04):
didn't need to feel sorry for myself because actually it was
like, you know what, if I, if I had to start again, I'd do the
whole thing again because I'm really happy that I'm me.
I really am. Because it's given me so much,
so, so many ways of seeing things and how I can look from
(14:25):
someone else's perspective of what they're going through, like
humility and an understanding and a, and a strong love for
people. And, and yeah, I do get angry
and I, I do get frustrated. And but I, I've got a much more
easier journey now where I can kind of correct myself and
(14:51):
understand where I'm at and where I've been, where I, I was,
I was full of hatred as a kid. I hated people that were
treating me so badly. And now I've only got love for
them because you, if you hate people or something, really
(15:11):
it's, it's yourself you're hating and it's a reflection of
that. So if you give love out, it's
coming back to you. You mentioned the fact that you
said that there is that point where when all the layers peeled
away that you found happiness ata very low point.
(15:36):
Did that happiness stay or was that a temporary feeling because
happiness often is a very short time.
But was that, was that happinessa foundation?
And is remained and you know howto dip into it again?
And I think even from that moment, things got better and
better and better because as a kid and a teenager and a young
(15:57):
adult, even up to where I was, like in my late 30s, like early
40s, I had such severe anxiety. I couldn't go and chat a girl
up. I couldn't tell someone a poem
without stuttering and breathingfunny and shaking.
(16:20):
And, and I'd found music becauseI was, I was using drugs for
most of my life just to hide from all the stuff I've been
through. And then I found music, really
found it like, and I suddenly realised I'd written poetry all
my life. But I suddenly realised that I
(16:41):
wanted to write songs. And I was living in Wales at the
time, in South Wales with my ex-girlfriend and we just split
up and I had a choice. I could stay there where it was
beautiful to live, it was beautiful scenery.
But there was just drugs and alcohol is all that was there.
And I knew that if I stayed there I wouldn't last long.
(17:01):
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be here for long.
I died twice already, once overdose and once I drowned on
my vomit when I tried to stop using drugs.
And I, I, I found, I, I bought acheap second hand guitar for £10
off another drug user and I'm, I'm left-handed when I play the
(17:21):
guitar. I'm right-handed when I write,
but I play left-handed for some reason.
And I didn't know they made guitars that were left-handed.
And every time someone had a guitar just felt upside down in
the wrong way. So then I found out you can get
left-handed guitars. And I, I, my next door neighbor
had one and he wanted to sell itand I, I'll buy it.
(17:42):
So I took it home and I, I played one string open and it
done something to me. It was like, oh it awake, it
wakens saying in me and I realised, oh I need to go to
London and do music or I'm goingto die and I have to stop what
I'm doing and this is the only way it's going to save my life.
So that's what I've done. And I knew I didn't really have
(18:04):
anyone here to rely on that would care for me enough to let
me start again. So I kind of knew in my heart
that I'd probably end up on the street.
But then I thought, you know what, as long as I'm doing the
right thing, it don't matter. And if I die, we're all dust in
the wind anyway. If I'm doing the right thing for
(18:26):
once in my life to give me the love I need to do OK again and
be part of the world, then it's all right.
And that's what happened. I ended up, I've ended up on the
street. I lived in the parks in the
summer and then when it got cold, I, I found this wooden
(18:47):
shade on the back of a squatted pub and I just put a padlock on
it and I lived in there. There was like thousands.
And so I've never seen so many rats in all my life.
And I knew if I like, I went without food and water quite a
lot, but twice I went without itfor four days and once for 5 1/2
(19:13):
days. And I knew that you could go
without food for a month, maybe 28 days, something like, but
without food and water, you got a week.
It's a different thing without both.
And it was like I decided that Ididn't want to beg, and not
because of pride, because my pride was taken from me when I
(19:36):
was a kid. I had no pride, no shame.
It's like you took that. I don't need that.
You know, it was more to do withthat.
I decided like I was testing theuniverse.
I was sort of saying, and I actually said it out loud to it.
If you want me here, you got to do something to show me that I'm
meant to be here, to show me. Otherwise I don't need to be
(20:01):
here. It's like I'm not, I'm not
suicidal. I'm not, I'm not desperate and
I'm all right with where I am, but you need to show me.
You need to do something. And I kind of made it almost
impossible that I'd, I'd steer away from possible help until
(20:25):
one day I, it was the, IT was the time I went for 5 1/2 days.
And I was the, the 6th day of not eating and drinking.
And the day before I went out looking for a public toilet just
to drink some water out of a sink or something.
(20:46):
And I went, I found three and two of them didn't have any
water and one of them didn't have a scene.
It's kind. Of like comical.
Yeah, it's a joke. It's an absolute.
Joke. At that point, surely you turn
to the universe and said, OK, I get it.
Yeah, yeah, I was. It was kind of funny to me, you
know, it was ridiculous. I nearly got run over one time
(21:07):
because I I stopped in the middle of a road.
I was crossing the road and saw half a doughnut and I stopped
and I nearly got hit by a car because I was so tired and you
know, just had no energy and I was hallucinating from not
eating. So the next day was the 6th day,
(21:27):
I hadn't eaten and drunk anything.
And I woke up in the morning andI could barely sit up and I had
a knock on the door. And I the shed I lived in was
built really badly. So there was big gaps in the
wood and you could see me through it or I could see out
for whoever was there. And it was a community
(21:49):
policewoman and a couple of guysstood outside so that this woman
said, can you come out? And I went, no, no, no.
I went, you have to stand away from the door and then I'll come
out. But I can see you.
So if you stand away from the door, then I'll come out.
And she went, OK, so at least the back, I come out and put the
padlock straight on the door. And I went, what can I do for
(22:12):
you? And these two guys were like not
looking very nice the way they were looking at me.
And the police, the community policewoman said, look, you,
you, these two guys own this premises and you've got to go.
And then they buttered in. And when we own this, you have
to leave now. And I went, well, actually, this
is a commercial building, you can't just throw me out.
(22:34):
And they said, no, we've changedit to residential because we're
building flats. You're turning into flats.
You got to go now. And I said, well, it's the end
of November. It's like -2 or something.
It was a particularly cold November that year.
I said, when are you starting your building?
(22:55):
And they said at the end of January.
And I went, well, can't I stay here till the end of December?
And they went, no, you got to gonow.
So I went. Well, I wish you and your
families a beautiful life. Good luck.
I'm going to leave my stuff herebecause I'm going to go and look
for somewhere else because I'm not going to survive in the
cold. And I had no energy.
I knew without food and water, Iwouldn't, I wouldn't have
(23:18):
survived. It was too cold, you know, So
they said I could leave it there.
And they were going to knock my shed down in the morning just to
spite me, you know. So, OK, fair enough.
So I went out and I looked, I, I, I must have done 3 miles.
That was all I could manage in from sort of 10 in the morning,
(23:41):
half 10 in the morning till 7:00-ish at night.
That still sounds like a lot after not eating and drinking.
For six days, I mean, I was trying to find something.
I it wasn't like I'd given up. I knew I felt like I had
something I had to do, you know,in this world.
So I was trying to find something and I walked quite a
(24:05):
long way. And then I, I was defeated.
I couldn't find nothing. I come back to get my stuff and
I resigned to the the fact that I was probably going to die on
the street that night. And I got my stuff and I walked
past. There was a kebab shop on the
corner, just round the corner from where the shed was.
There was really nice guy and heknew, he knew me and knew where
(24:26):
I was living there. And he always asked me how I was
and you know, and he, he, he said to me, how you doing?
And I went, oh, not good brother.
They kicked me out of the shed this morning.
And he looked really genuinely scared, like he said, no, no,
no, you can't sleep out there. It's too cold.
You're going to die. And I went, I know, but I can't,
(24:50):
I haven't got a choice. And he sort of started scanning
in the top of his head. And I was thinking, no, no, no,
I don't want to go. Offer me somewhere to stay or.
So I went. Look, I'm all right.
Don't worry, bro. Everything's all right.
It's all right. I'll see you tomorrow.
And he went, no, no, no, He went, why don't you try and get
in the fried chicken restaurant that was a few doors down that
had been shut for refurbishment for two years.
(25:14):
And this is in Muswell Hill. And I said, look, I'm not a
burglar. I can't.
It's on the main road. Everyone's going to see and hear
me. And he said no, no, no, no.
He goes, go round the back. There's a fire escape to, like a
daughter, like the seller to go round the back.
And I went, I don't know which ones which I don't want to get
caught breaking into the wrong place.
(25:35):
You know, he went, no, go round and I'll point at it and I'll
show you. I went.
Are you sure? And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I went round the back and he sort of pointed at the staircase
and he went back in his cramp shot.
Do you mind if I smoke? Go for it.
Go for it. So I I.
Went and got this metal bar frommy shed or some kind of
(25:55):
screwdriver thing and I started trying to get in and I'm not a
burglar. I was making a lot of noise.
It was taking a lot of time. It's kind of like.
A bad burglary? Kind of like attempt?
Yes, basically. And I was taking so long and I
was sitting here, someone's going to catch me any minute.
And then I remember feeling thisfeeling that someone was there.
(26:19):
And I looked around and there was a guy stood there and he was
quite a solid looking dude. This is when you're still
outside. Or inside.
Yeah, Outside. Outside.
Like trying to get in the firingdoor and kind of like.
Banging. Yeah, yeah, trying to.
Open it, the bloke standing behind there's a.
Guy stood there. And he had his phone in his hand
and I thought, oh, he's filming me.
So I put my my hood up and I walked off and.
(26:41):
He's gone. Hey mate, what you doing?
And I just carried on walking and he, he said, hey, don't walk
off from me. And I carried on and he's sort
of come round the front of me quickly.
But he didn't touch me. But he put his hand out as if to
say stop. And he said to me, what are you
doing round the back of my nightclub?
And I sort of laughed and went, Nah, I was trying to get in the
(27:03):
fried chicken restaurant. And he didn't say anything, but
he gave me this look as if to say what for?
There's no chicken in there. It's empty, you know?
And I recognized him sort of looking at me like, what?
And I went, look, man, I was living in a shed.
I'm living on the street. I'm living in that shed there.
But they kicked me out this morning.
And all I want to do is get out of the cold.
(27:25):
I don't want to cause a problem.I'm not here to hurt anyone or
upset anyone, obviously. I just want to survive, that's
all. And he looked deep in my eyes,
right? And I knew he was looking for
drugs and alcohol and I knew he knew the streets because he was
a nightclub owner. So he wouldn't know what he was
looking at. Yeah.
And he was a big. Dude, like, you know, solid guy.
(27:49):
And then he goes to me, come with me.
And usually I wouldn't have followed someone into a
nightclub. And bearing in mind the
nightclub wasn't even open. He had, he had a couple of deck,
a couple of builders in there, they're doing some decorating
and he'd gone back there for 5 minutes to check on them.
(28:09):
So for him to catch me there wascrazy like a tiny window of
time. So he took me in the nightclub
and then he turned around and never forget him.
Only the first thing he said to me is, what do you do?
What's your thing? What do you love to do?
And I was a bit like what? Like it's a complete stranger
interested in me and I've just been caught trying to break in.
(28:33):
I had a metal bar in my hand. And he's, you know, he's showing
me care and, and I said, well, Igoes like, you know, I wrote
poems all my life, but I've, I've, I want to write songs.
So I'm teaching myself the guitar because it's the only
thing that's going to save me. And you said you said that
straight? Up to him, like honestly, yeah,
(28:54):
yeah and and then he. Said to me like, have you got
any drug or alcohol problems? And I said, look, to be honest,
I was a drug addict all my life and I'm on medication at the
moment and I'm reducing because I need to.
I need to do my music. It's the only thing I I need to
do is it's going to save me. And he said tell me one of your
poems. So I told him a poem I've
(29:17):
written when I was 14 and. For some reason.
I didn't stutter and I didn't, Iwas all right talking with him.
And, and when I finished this poem, he said to me, he goes,
man, he goes, if you don't do anything with that, it'd be the
biggest crime you ever commit. And I was like, whoa, you know,
(29:38):
no one would have really encouraged me like like that
before, you know, So I was a bittaken back.
And then he held out 40 lbs and and I looked at him like, do
you, what do you want from me? And he went, no, no, no, he
wouldn't take it. He went get some food or
clothes. And then he paused for a moment
and he said to me, actually, I've got some of my feet to
(30:00):
stay. And I'm not.
Joking. It was like, man, one minute I
was going to die on the street and I was starving and I
dehydrated. I was hallucinating and I
couldn't even see him properly. And then all of a sudden, these
strangers offering me a chance to have a life, you know?
(30:23):
And I said what? Really.
And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes.
Go and get your stuff together and I'm going to come and pick
you up. So I went in my.
Shed and I was a bit in the dayslike trying to get all my stuff
together and and then I looked round and this nice 4x4 car
pulled up and he got out and he had his two eldest kids with him
(30:45):
and they were like 18 and 19 at the time, a boy and a girl.
And they and they approached me coming straight up to me with
the biggie smiles holding their hands out.
They shook my hand they looked in my eyes and they greeted me
like I was a member of their family.
They ain't seen for years. And I remember like saying
hello, shaking and smiling. And then I looked past them at
(31:08):
him. And I thought, man, this guy
must be incredible to have kids so judgeless, you know, so
beautiful in their in their hearts that I'm living in this
horrible thing and they're treating me like I'm one of
their family. And.
So he took me to a a really nice3 bedroom flat in Southgate and
(31:33):
he said to me, look, I've got the lease on this for another
year. So it was at the end of
November, it was about the 28th,29th of November, he said.
I've got this place till December next year.
So you can stay here. He goes, I don't want no rent.
I don't want energy bills. Everything's covered, all right?
(31:55):
And I'm going to give you a job,all right.
So he he. Done that and he gave me a job
in his nightclub and I worked there and saved up and I bought
my first boat and he encouraged me to do.
He said, look, all I asked from you is that you stay away from
the drugs and that and just concentrate on your music.
(32:15):
That's it. And how could I?
Fail. So that's what I've done.
And I first of all saved up enough to get a flat, to get a
find a flat, like a month's rentand the deposit.
And then I saved up and I boughta beautiful Gibson guitar, which
(32:38):
I'd never have been able to afford usually, like.
And I worked there and he gave me the opportunity to be back in
society and start remembering who I am and feeling my soul
kind of thing, you know? And him and his half.
Brother who unfortunately died some years ago, like around
(32:59):
lockdown, they gave me all the love and encouragement and I
feel very, very lucky, like I'm still in contact with him.
He's like very close to me, you know, like brothers.
Like he was around the same age as me and he still messages me
(33:21):
now, asks me how I'm doing. He watches my band, he helps me
with what I want to do with the music and stuff.
So that gave me my life back andwhile I was living in this flat,
I decided like, look, if I want to do music and maybe play to
(33:42):
people, live. I need to break.
My anxiety. So I made myself go to a poetry
reading and it was a place called The Poetry Calf in Covent
Garden. And I went there and you had to
put your name down and it'd pay about £2 or something.
(34:04):
And you're on a list. And then they read your name out
and you go down, you read a poemor two out and there's about
30-40 seats there with a little stage and a microphone and.
So I went. There and I was, it was so full
up. I was sitting on the stairs like
it was people all the way up thestairs and I was sitting there
and it got to about two or threepeople in front of me and I
(34:27):
started shaking like like too anxious and I left and.
I went back to this. Flat and I was devastated for
two weeks, just broken and then I made myself go back.
And when I went. Back the same thing happened,
(34:49):
but this time I made myself get on the stage and I told the same
poem that I told him. And I stuttered and I was
breathing strange and I was shaking all the way through.
And when I got to the end, everyone stood up and went
crazy, like screaming, shouting,whistling.
(35:09):
And. And I was like, well, I tried to
get off the stage quickly. And the guy who's hosting it
went, whoa, where you going? And I went, I just want to get.
And he went, no, no, he goes, look, that was amazing.
And I went, yeah, but I was really anxious.
And he laughed and went, yeah, everyone could see that.
That's why it was amazing, because it was impossible for
you and you've done it. And it opened something.
(35:31):
To me, it's like a relief. I could feel this weight.
I'm all right. I can be me now, you know?
It's like all my life I was not allowed to be me, and I
wouldn't. I refuse to be someone else.
But it was. Like I could suddenly.
(35:52):
Be me without the fight anymore.I was accepted, you know.
I want to play a. Song, right?
It's called I Woke Up This Morning and it's the first song
I ever wrote. So I'll.
(36:15):
Just get my guitar and I'll tuneit.
I haven't played it for. Some time, to be honest.
But just give me a tune quick. The.
(37:53):
I woke up this morning full of life and go to bed tonight
crying. Inside I met an old lady whose
son I just died. A soldier abroad.
He was sacrified. He believed that bullshit in
(38:16):
his, trusted their lives, happy for his country to send him to
God. Hey.
(38:52):
I met a man and he was skinny and lost.
He lived in a shed and he wakes with a frost.
I asked him why he lives in a shed and the government ain't no
give a fuck, he said. I asked him if.
(39:41):
I met a pretty girl and she seemed happy and free, but she
said her mind had broke from allthe insanity.
And when it gets too much she slashes her arms and holds out
her hands with pulls up blood inher palms.
I Auster If her parents knew of her pain, she says they can't
(40:07):
fill up.
It wasn't just the fact that I was that I I would recognise
very early on that I was different to probably everybody
and I was aware that everyone's an individual quite young, but I
was extremely difficult and different as a kid.
(00:20):
So for instance, the first time I run away from home I was 2,
which is quite crazy. Like I don't, I thought it's
difficult because my mum and dadare still alive, my family is
still alive, but it was a difficult family to live in.
It was quite a violent and aggressive home.
(00:43):
So whether that's a reason why Iwas often away with the fairies
or not, I don't know what, What the cause of that is, I don't
know. But I was, I was quite aware of,
of my, my difference, especiallywith other kids, because to me
(01:06):
it seemed like everybody just went along with what they were
told. And I questioned everything and
I, I had to be free always. I had to be, no, I'm doing this.
You not go that way. I'm going this way.
And I didn't notice the like I thought it was normal in my
(01:33):
family for a long time. The sort of difficult part of
it, how how angry and violent itwas.
It was when I was about 8, I, I stayed at friends.
I went after school and maybe 7,I went after school and I played
(01:53):
and had dinner at my friend's house.
And I remember sitting there at the table and I could feel, you
know, when all families pretend when there's a guest, so they
might clear up, they might act really nice in front of a guest,
but it wasn't like that. And I could sense it.
It was like that was how they naturally were.
(02:13):
They were, they accepted each other.
Even the children were important, their voices, what
they were saying. They weren't smothered or told
to shut up or threatened. And I suddenly thought, oh, is
this what family supposed to be?And then it started reflecting
on me that actually where I am isn't really good for for me or
(02:35):
right. But my mother was very concerned
with me being like seen as different.
So she was always trying to hidethat from people.
So I wasn't allowed to be dyslexic.
I wasn't allowed to have something wrong with me because
(02:57):
it was somehow a reflection on her, her not having a child that
that wasn't as good as she'd hoped, you know, or, or as
normal as she'd hoped. But she was very aware that I
was free from the beginning and it was very difficult to control
me or tell me what to do. For instance, at 2:00, the age
(03:22):
of 2, a lot of things happened. Like we had a milkman who used
to come into our little cul-de-sac and he knew all the
parents, all the kids. It's different times back then,
he'd come in, he'd talk to all the parents, do his milk round,
and the kids would jump in the milk flow.
He'd drive to the end of the street and we'd all jump out and
(03:43):
run back. But I was the only one who was
watching him. The kids were doing it for the
ride but I was watching him like, how do you operate this?
And then one day he was stood there talking to my mum and dad
and in front of them I climbed in his milk float and stole it
and drove and I was 2, which is quite crazy if you think about.
(04:06):
Climbing. Yeah, I could.
I was. I could reach the steering wheel
at full stretch while standing on the pedal, but I had to take
the handbrake off with both hands because it was strong.
It was stiff, you know, and I was heading straight to the end
of the street where there was parked cars and he was like a
sort of an unfit mid, mid 30s guy.
(04:29):
And these machines haven't got any doors.
And I, I clearly remember him running up level with, with the
milk float like white, like he'dseen a ghost, terrified.
And he just about caught me, goton, lifted me off the pedal, sat
me down just before I hit the parked cars at the end.
(04:50):
But I I was born with No Fear atall.
None. That that is a that is a
startling memory from childhood.Yeah, and and.
And and it's still clear as day.Yeah, so clear.
Do you know I've got memories from before?
I was one, like really strange. Like once I said to my mum,
(05:11):
where where was that place that your sister Jackie lived, my
auntie where she had a flat and there was a front room and you
went through and then there was a white room with a chest of
drawers and some Fisher Price toys on the top and a staircase
that went spiralled around like clockwise.
(05:32):
And she said how you can't remember that.
How do you remember that? And I say, I remember it
totally. I remember walking up the stairs
and my auntie saying come on, you can't come up here, come
back down. And I'd sit on the floor playing
with my cousin who was about 3 months younger or two months
younger than me, but she seemed like a baby to me.
(05:53):
But I was a baby. So, you know, it's only a few
months. So from very, very young, I was
running before I was 1, running,not crawling or walking.
When I was nine months old, I was running around.
So I kind of have an understanding that that it must
have been difficult for my mum because she she was probably
(06:14):
like, what the hell is this? Like we got to watch this kid
24/7. And you said you had No Fear.
Yeah. And you said you needed freedom.
Yeah. Freedom and No Fear.
Yeah. As a potent mix.
Yeah, very dangerous, I suppose,for a parent in a parent's eyes.
(06:35):
But. As an adult, those are two
concepts or ways of looking at the world that we admire.
We're like, I would love to haveNo Fear.
I would love to have freedom allthe time.
That's what we aspire to. But as a kid.
It's, it's strange, isn't it, toget your head round.
And it's funny because I didn't lose that through my life.
(06:57):
Like it was very tough for me inschool because I knew and I
recognized that school was kind of trying to take away the kid
inside me. And it was like trying to beat
me down and take my, my, my colours away, you know, my
energy and my, my spirit and my freedom, trying to make me fear
(07:22):
things. I was abused in all ways at
school. And I went to five schools and
out of five schools, four of them I got abused in certain
ways, physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually.
So it was tough for me because I, I, the only place I felt safe
(07:46):
was when I walked to school and walked home, which for most kids
is the most dangerous time because they're alone.
But for me, that was my safe place.
And I'd listen to my music and it was like I was going into
battle, like getting ready, you know, because I never didn't
know what would happen. And adults.
Well, either way. Yeah.
(08:06):
And it seemed like adults would lash out without thinking.
And, and I could, I could see the dangers of that.
Like, you know, a couple of times it was really bad, really,
really bad. And I had to keep my mouth shut,
you know, and actually lie to protect the people who who
(08:29):
abused me. What about your friends, or the
kids you knocked around with? Or the kids in the cul-de-sac?
Did you feel different from themtoo?
Yeah, yeah, always. And I, I was, I found it very
hard to make friends. I think.
I don't know if that was becauseI was always moving, but I
(08:51):
remember even before I moved, the first time, I could play
with kids. But I didn't see them as like
having a best friend. They were just other people and
I couldn't relate to no one. It was like I it was like I
didn't need anyone. I know that sounds strange, but
(09:14):
I felt like I was OK with just me and and I could play or
interact with anyone, but I didn't.
I didn't need the acceptance. I didn't need the recognition.
I didn't need, yeah. So you weren't a loner because
(09:34):
you could interact with anyone. You were happy to knock around
with whoever. Yeah, but.
You didn't need them, Yeah. I was kind of like, I probably
was looked at as a loner by a lot of people, a lot of kids
because I wouldn't attach myselfto anything.
So I so for instance, when I remember when I was in secondary
(09:55):
school and I was about from the age of sort of 12, I really
started noticing. So I'd sit in the playground at
lunchtimes and I'd watch all thekids and I'd see all the groups
of kids that they were like the kids who played chess, not a
chess club. There were the kids who kicked
(10:16):
the tennis ball round the playground.
There were the kids who went to the end of the field and smoked
cigarettes, you know, There werethe popular kids, the unpopular
kids. They all sort of grouped up.
And I'd know and get on with oneor two from each group, but I
wouldn't be a part of any group.And I remember watching them and
(10:36):
realizing they all had the same thing in common, was that none
of them were brave enough to be themselves.
None of them, because they all needed to be accepted by the
group. So they were all trying to be or
say or act or do what they thought.
The others, it needed from them not to be not funny enough or
(11:00):
not clever enough or you know what I mean.
So it was like they were always judging themselves from what
they thought the others were judging them from.
And looking back now from your adult point of view, looking at
that child sitting in the playground, looking at the other
(11:22):
groups of kids, do you feel sorry for that kid that you
were? I did for a long time, but it's
funny because I had some kind oftough experiences where I was on
the street, living on the street, and it was that woman.
(11:44):
I could say it was a lot of spiritual experience and I
really, because it was like I stripped everything away.
I had nothing. I just had a few bags of clothes
and I, I had no house to, to make me feel safe.
I had no family that, that I felt loved by.
I had no girlfriend that you know, that I, that I had a good
(12:09):
relationship and a bond with. I had no job that gave me and
empowerment, I had no possessions that gave me
ownership and I felt this warmthin me that was like a kind of an
internal happiness. That was the first time I
realised what real happiness was.
(12:31):
And actually most people are tricked and their happiness is
external. So they've got a car that might
look, you know, they've got a nice car and a nice house and a
nice and that makes them happy. But inside what's going on in
now it's like. So I realised that without all
(12:55):
those things, I started to see myself much more clearer.
And then I started to realise that actually all those
experiences I went through, as tough as they were and without
comparing to other people, because obviously there's people
in the world who have had terrible, terrible sufferings
(13:15):
and still are even now all over the world.
So it was for me, it was like anenlightenment where I realised
that actually you get what you get and it makes you who you are
or it breaks who you are and, and it's OK to fall down because
(13:36):
it's the building up that that realigns you.
Because kids are like buildings really.
If they got a, a bad foundation that they, it's like a wonky
building and it, they spend their whole life trying to
straighten up, you know. So it was, it was the
realisation I didn't need sympathy and I didn't need to, I
(14:04):
didn't need to feel sorry for myself because actually it was
like, you know what, if I, if I had to start again, I'd do the
whole thing again because I'm really happy that I'm me.
I really am. Because it's given me so much,
so, so many ways of seeing things and how I can look from
(14:25):
someone else's perspective of what they're going through, like
humility and an understanding and a, and a strong love for
people. And, and yeah, I do get angry
and I, I do get frustrated. And but I, I've got a much more
easier journey now where I can kind of correct myself and
(14:51):
understand where I'm at and where I've been, where I, I was,
I was full of hatred as a kid. I hated people that were
treating me so badly. And now I've only got love for
them because you, if you hate people or something, really
(15:11):
it's, it's yourself you're hating and it's a reflection of
that. So if you give love out, it's
coming back to you. You mentioned the fact that you
said that there is that point where when all the layers peeled
away that you found happiness ata very low point.
(15:36):
Did that happiness stay or was that a temporary feeling because
happiness often is a very short time.
But was that, was that happinessa foundation?
And is remained and you know howto dip into it again?
And I think even from that moment, things got better and
better and better because as a kid and a teenager and a young
(15:57):
adult, even up to where I was, like in my late 30s, like early
40s, I had such severe anxiety. I couldn't go and chat a girl
up. I couldn't tell someone a poem
without stuttering and breathingfunny and shaking.
(16:20):
And, and I'd found music becauseI was, I was using drugs for
most of my life just to hide from all the stuff I've been
through. And then I found music, really
found it like, and I suddenly realised I'd written poetry all
my life. But I suddenly realised that I
(16:41):
wanted to write songs. And I was living in Wales at the
time, in South Wales with my ex-girlfriend and we just split
up and I had a choice. I could stay there where it was
beautiful to live, it was beautiful scenery.
But there was just drugs and alcohol is all that was there.
And I knew that if I stayed there I wouldn't last long.
(17:01):
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be here for long.
I died twice already, once overdose and once I drowned on
my vomit when I tried to stop using drugs.
And I, I, I found, I, I bought acheap second hand guitar for £10
off another drug user and I'm, I'm left-handed when I play the
(17:21):
guitar. I'm right-handed when I write,
but I play left-handed for some reason.
And I didn't know they made guitars that were left-handed.
And every time someone had a guitar just felt upside down in
the wrong way. So then I found out you can get
left-handed guitars. And I, I, my next door neighbor
had one and he wanted to sell itand I, I'll buy it.
(17:42):
So I took it home and I, I played one string open and it
done something to me. It was like, oh it awake, it
wakens saying in me and I realised, oh I need to go to
London and do music or I'm goingto die and I have to stop what
I'm doing and this is the only way it's going to save my life.
So that's what I've done. And I knew I didn't really have
(18:04):
anyone here to rely on that would care for me enough to let
me start again. So I kind of knew in my heart
that I'd probably end up on the street.
But then I thought, you know what, as long as I'm doing the
right thing, it don't matter. And if I die, we're all dust in
the wind anyway. If I'm doing the right thing for
(18:26):
once in my life to give me the love I need to do OK again and
be part of the world, then it's all right.
And that's what happened. I ended up, I've ended up on the
street. I lived in the parks in the
summer and then when it got cold, I, I found this wooden
(18:47):
shade on the back of a squatted pub and I just put a padlock on
it and I lived in there. There was like thousands.
And so I've never seen so many rats in all my life.
And I knew if I like, I went without food and water quite a
lot, but twice I went without itfor four days and once for 5 1/2
(19:13):
days. And I knew that you could go
without food for a month, maybe 28 days, something like, but
without food and water, you got a week.
It's a different thing without both.
And it was like I decided that Ididn't want to beg, and not
because of pride, because my pride was taken from me when I
(19:36):
was a kid. I had no pride, no shame.
It's like you took that. I don't need that.
You know, it was more to do withthat.
I decided like I was testing theuniverse.
I was sort of saying, and I actually said it out loud to it.
If you want me here, you got to do something to show me that I'm
meant to be here, to show me. Otherwise I don't need to be
(20:01):
here. It's like I'm not, I'm not
suicidal. I'm not, I'm not desperate and
I'm all right with where I am, but you need to show me.
You need to do something. And I kind of made it almost
impossible that I'd, I'd steer away from possible help until
(20:25):
one day I, it was the, IT was the time I went for 5 1/2 days.
And I was the, the 6th day of not eating and drinking.
And the day before I went out looking for a public toilet just
to drink some water out of a sink or something.
(20:46):
And I went, I found three and two of them didn't have any
water and one of them didn't have a scene.
It's kind. Of like comical.
Yeah, it's a joke. It's an absolute.
Joke. At that point, surely you turn
to the universe and said, OK, I get it.
Yeah, yeah, I was. It was kind of funny to me, you
know, it was ridiculous. I nearly got run over one time
(21:07):
because I I stopped in the middle of a road.
I was crossing the road and saw half a doughnut and I stopped
and I nearly got hit by a car because I was so tired and you
know, just had no energy and I was hallucinating from not
eating. So the next day was the 6th day,
(21:27):
I hadn't eaten and drunk anything.
And I woke up in the morning andI could barely sit up and I had
a knock on the door. And I the shed I lived in was
built really badly. So there was big gaps in the
wood and you could see me through it or I could see out
for whoever was there. And it was a community
(21:49):
policewoman and a couple of guysstood outside so that this woman
said, can you come out? And I went, no, no, no.
I went, you have to stand away from the door and then I'll come
out. But I can see you.
So if you stand away from the door, then I'll come out.
And she went, OK, so at least the back, I come out and put the
padlock straight on the door. And I went, what can I do for
(22:12):
you? And these two guys were like not
looking very nice the way they were looking at me.
And the police, the community policewoman said, look, you,
you, these two guys own this premises and you've got to go.
And then they buttered in. And when we own this, you have
to leave now. And I went, well, actually, this
is a commercial building, you can't just throw me out.
(22:34):
And they said, no, we've changedit to residential because we're
building flats. You're turning into flats.
You got to go now. And I said, well, it's the end
of November. It's like -2 or something.
It was a particularly cold November that year.
I said, when are you starting your building?
(22:55):
And they said at the end of January.
And I went, well, can't I stay here till the end of December?
And they went, no, you got to gonow.
So I went. Well, I wish you and your
families a beautiful life. Good luck.
I'm going to leave my stuff herebecause I'm going to go and look
for somewhere else because I'm not going to survive in the
cold. And I had no energy.
I knew without food and water, Iwouldn't, I wouldn't have
(23:18):
survived. It was too cold, you know, So
they said I could leave it there.
And they were going to knock my shed down in the morning just to
spite me, you know. So, OK, fair enough.
So I went out and I looked, I, I, I must have done 3 miles.
That was all I could manage in from sort of 10 in the morning,
(23:41):
half 10 in the morning till 7:00-ish at night.
That still sounds like a lot after not eating and drinking.
For six days, I mean, I was trying to find something.
I it wasn't like I'd given up. I knew I felt like I had
something I had to do, you know,in this world.
So I was trying to find something and I walked quite a
(24:05):
long way. And then I, I was defeated.
I couldn't find nothing. I come back to get my stuff and
I resigned to the the fact that I was probably going to die on
the street that night. And I got my stuff and I walked
past. There was a kebab shop on the
corner, just round the corner from where the shed was.
There was really nice guy and heknew, he knew me and knew where
(24:26):
I was living there. And he always asked me how I was
and you know, and he, he, he said to me, how you doing?
And I went, oh, not good brother.
They kicked me out of the shed this morning.
And he looked really genuinely scared, like he said, no, no,
no, you can't sleep out there. It's too cold.
You're going to die. And I went, I know, but I can't,
(24:50):
I haven't got a choice. And he sort of started scanning
in the top of his head. And I was thinking, no, no, no,
I don't want to go. Offer me somewhere to stay or.
So I went. Look, I'm all right.
Don't worry, bro. Everything's all right.
It's all right. I'll see you tomorrow.
And he went, no, no, no, He went, why don't you try and get
in the fried chicken restaurant that was a few doors down that
had been shut for refurbishment for two years.
(25:14):
And this is in Muswell Hill. And I said, look, I'm not a
burglar. I can't.
It's on the main road. Everyone's going to see and hear
me. And he said no, no, no, no.
He goes, go round the back. There's a fire escape to, like a
daughter, like the seller to go round the back.
And I went, I don't know which ones which I don't want to get
caught breaking into the wrong place.
(25:35):
You know, he went, no, go round and I'll point at it and I'll
show you. I went.
Are you sure? And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I went round the back and he sort of pointed at the staircase
and he went back in his cramp shot.
Do you mind if I smoke? Go for it.
Go for it. So I I.
Went and got this metal bar frommy shed or some kind of
(25:55):
screwdriver thing and I started trying to get in and I'm not a
burglar. I was making a lot of noise.
It was taking a lot of time. It's kind of like.
A bad burglary? Kind of like attempt?
Yes, basically. And I was taking so long and I
was sitting here, someone's going to catch me any minute.
And then I remember feeling thisfeeling that someone was there.
(26:19):
And I looked around and there was a guy stood there and he was
quite a solid looking dude. This is when you're still
outside. Or inside.
Yeah, Outside. Outside.
Like trying to get in the firingdoor and kind of like.
Banging. Yeah, yeah, trying to.
Open it, the bloke standing behind there's a.
Guy stood there. And he had his phone in his hand
and I thought, oh, he's filming me.
So I put my my hood up and I walked off and.
(26:41):
He's gone. Hey mate, what you doing?
And I just carried on walking and he, he said, hey, don't walk
off from me. And I carried on and he's sort
of come round the front of me quickly.
But he didn't touch me. But he put his hand out as if to
say stop. And he said to me, what are you
doing round the back of my nightclub?
And I sort of laughed and went, Nah, I was trying to get in the
(27:03):
fried chicken restaurant. And he didn't say anything, but
he gave me this look as if to say what for?
There's no chicken in there. It's empty, you know?
And I recognized him sort of looking at me like, what?
And I went, look, man, I was living in a shed.
I'm living on the street. I'm living in that shed there.
But they kicked me out this morning.
And all I want to do is get out of the cold.
(27:25):
I don't want to cause a problem.I'm not here to hurt anyone or
upset anyone, obviously. I just want to survive, that's
all. And he looked deep in my eyes,
right? And I knew he was looking for
drugs and alcohol and I knew he knew the streets because he was
a nightclub owner. So he wouldn't know what he was
looking at. Yeah.
And he was a big. Dude, like, you know, solid guy.
(27:49):
And then he goes to me, come with me.
And usually I wouldn't have followed someone into a
nightclub. And bearing in mind the
nightclub wasn't even open. He had, he had a couple of deck,
a couple of builders in there, they're doing some decorating
and he'd gone back there for 5 minutes to check on them.
(28:09):
So for him to catch me there wascrazy like a tiny window of
time. So he took me in the nightclub
and then he turned around and never forget him.
Only the first thing he said to me is, what do you do?
What's your thing? What do you love to do?
And I was a bit like what? Like it's a complete stranger
interested in me and I've just been caught trying to break in.
(28:33):
I had a metal bar in my hand. And he's, you know, he's showing
me care and, and I said, well, Igoes like, you know, I wrote
poems all my life, but I've, I've, I want to write songs.
So I'm teaching myself the guitar because it's the only
thing that's going to save me. And you said you said that
straight? Up to him, like honestly, yeah,
(28:54):
yeah and and then he. Said to me like, have you got
any drug or alcohol problems? And I said, look, to be honest,
I was a drug addict all my life and I'm on medication at the
moment and I'm reducing because I need to.
I need to do my music. It's the only thing I I need to
do is it's going to save me. And he said tell me one of your
poems. So I told him a poem I've
(29:17):
written when I was 14 and. For some reason.
I didn't stutter and I didn't, Iwas all right talking with him.
And, and when I finished this poem, he said to me, he goes,
man, he goes, if you don't do anything with that, it'd be the
biggest crime you ever commit. And I was like, whoa, you know,
(29:38):
no one would have really encouraged me like like that
before, you know, So I was a bittaken back.
And then he held out 40 lbs and and I looked at him like, do
you, what do you want from me? And he went, no, no, no, he
wouldn't take it. He went get some food or
clothes. And then he paused for a moment
and he said to me, actually, I've got some of my feet to
(30:00):
stay. And I'm not.
Joking. It was like, man, one minute I
was going to die on the street and I was starving and I
dehydrated. I was hallucinating and I
couldn't even see him properly. And then all of a sudden, these
strangers offering me a chance to have a life, you know?
(30:23):
And I said what? Really.
And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes.
Go and get your stuff together and I'm going to come and pick
you up. So I went in my.
Shed and I was a bit in the dayslike trying to get all my stuff
together and and then I looked round and this nice 4x4 car
pulled up and he got out and he had his two eldest kids with him
(30:45):
and they were like 18 and 19 at the time, a boy and a girl.
And they and they approached me coming straight up to me with
the biggie smiles holding their hands out.
They shook my hand they looked in my eyes and they greeted me
like I was a member of their family.
They ain't seen for years. And I remember like saying
hello, shaking and smiling. And then I looked past them at
(31:08):
him. And I thought, man, this guy
must be incredible to have kids so judgeless, you know, so
beautiful in their in their hearts that I'm living in this
horrible thing and they're treating me like I'm one of
their family. And.
So he took me to a a really nice3 bedroom flat in Southgate and
(31:33):
he said to me, look, I've got the lease on this for another
year. So it was at the end of
November, it was about the 28th,29th of November, he said.
I've got this place till December next year.
So you can stay here. He goes, I don't want no rent.
I don't want energy bills. Everything's covered, all right?
(31:55):
And I'm going to give you a job,all right.
So he he. Done that and he gave me a job
in his nightclub and I worked there and saved up and I bought
my first boat and he encouraged me to do.
He said, look, all I asked from you is that you stay away from
the drugs and that and just concentrate on your music.
(32:15):
That's it. And how could I?
Fail. So that's what I've done.
And I first of all saved up enough to get a flat, to get a
find a flat, like a month's rentand the deposit.
And then I saved up and I boughta beautiful Gibson guitar, which
(32:38):
I'd never have been able to afford usually, like.
And I worked there and he gave me the opportunity to be back in
society and start remembering who I am and feeling my soul
kind of thing, you know? And him and his half.
Brother who unfortunately died some years ago, like around
(32:59):
lockdown, they gave me all the love and encouragement and I
feel very, very lucky, like I'm still in contact with him.
He's like very close to me, you know, like brothers.
Like he was around the same age as me and he still messages me
(33:21):
now, asks me how I'm doing. He watches my band, he helps me
with what I want to do with the music and stuff.
So that gave me my life back andwhile I was living in this flat,
I decided like, look, if I want to do music and maybe play to
(33:42):
people, live. I need to break.
My anxiety. So I made myself go to a poetry
reading and it was a place called The Poetry Calf in Covent
Garden. And I went there and you had to
put your name down and it'd pay about £2 or something.
(34:04):
And you're on a list. And then they read your name out
and you go down, you read a poemor two out and there's about
30-40 seats there with a little stage and a microphone and.
So I went. There and I was, it was so full
up. I was sitting on the stairs like
it was people all the way up thestairs and I was sitting there
and it got to about two or threepeople in front of me and I
(34:27):
started shaking like like too anxious and I left and.
I went back to this. Flat and I was devastated for
two weeks, just broken and then I made myself go back.
And when I went. Back the same thing happened,
(34:49):
but this time I made myself get on the stage and I told the same
poem that I told him. And I stuttered and I was
breathing strange and I was shaking all the way through.
And when I got to the end, everyone stood up and went
crazy, like screaming, shouting,whistling.
(35:09):
And. And I was like, well, I tried to
get off the stage quickly. And the guy who's hosting it
went, whoa, where you going? And I went, I just want to get.
And he went, no, no, he goes, look, that was amazing.
And I went, yeah, but I was really anxious.
And he laughed and went, yeah, everyone could see that.
That's why it was amazing, because it was impossible for
you and you've done it. And it opened something.
(35:31):
To me, it's like a relief. I could feel this weight.
I'm all right. I can be me now, you know?
It's like all my life I was not allowed to be me, and I
wouldn't. I refuse to be someone else.
But it was. Like I could suddenly.
(35:52):
Be me without the fight anymore.I was accepted, you know.
I want to play a. Song, right?
It's called I Woke Up This Morning and it's the first song
I ever wrote. So I'll.
(36:15):
Just get my guitar and I'll tuneit.
I haven't played it for. Some time, to be honest.
But just give me a tune quick. The.
(37:53):
I woke up this morning full of life and go to bed tonight
crying. Inside I met an old lady whose
son I just died. A soldier abroad.
He was sacrified. He believed that bullshit in
(38:16):
his, trusted their lives, happy for his country to send him to
God. Hey.
(38:52):
I met a man and he was skinny and lost.
He lived in a shed and he wakes with a frost.
I asked him why he lives in a shed and the government ain't no
give a fuck, he said. I asked him if.
(39:41):
I met a pretty girl and she seemed happy and free, but she
said her mind had broke from allthe insanity.
And when it gets too much she slashes her arms and holds out
her hands with pulls up blood inher palms.
I Auster If her parents knew of her pain, she says they can't
(40:07):
fill up.
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