November 27, 2025 • 7 mins
A new study analyzing Reddit posts reveals a common cycle of premarital hesitation among engaged couples, involving disclosing red flags, justifying the relationship, grappling with doubt, visualizing the future, seeking outside validation, and expanding their understanding of the situation. The study highlights the importance of recognizing engagement doubts and seeking neutral perspectives to ensure healthy relationships.
Read the full article at https://www.paperleap.com/blog/articles/a-study-explored-the-process-of-engagement-doubts-0cccuf
Read the full article at https://www.paperleap.com/blog/articles/a-study-explored-the-process-of-engagement-doubts-0cccuf
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the paper Leap podcast, where a science takes
the mic. Each episode, we discuss cutting edge research, groundbreaking discoveries,
and the incredible people behind them, across disciplines and across
the world. Whether you're a curious mind, a researcher, or
just love learning, you're in the right place before we start,
(00:21):
don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an insight.
All the content is also available on paper leap dot com. Okay, ready,
let's start. Many people, when they are a few months
away from their wedding start feeling the incredible excitement for
that new chapter of their lives. But many others, when
(00:42):
the invitations are ordered, the deposits are paid, and their
mom is crying happy tears about their dress, also start
thinking am I making a mistake? This is a typical
scenario in romantic comedies. However, according to new research published
in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it's an all
too common reality. The team of researchers behind the study
(01:06):
wanted to better understand the messy, confusing period when engaged
couples feel hesitation. Their work focused on what people actually
say when they're unsure about marrying their fiance instead of
traditional surveys or lab interviews. The researchers went to where
many of us already spill our deepest secrets, the Internet. Specifically,
(01:31):
they analyzed dozens of posts and thousands of comments on Reddit,
the sprawling online forum where strangers swap advice, vent, and
sometimes bear their souls. Relationship science has long shown that
the seeds of divorce are often planted well before the
wedding day. Couples who ignore big warning signs during courtship
(01:53):
or engagement may carry those issues straight into marriage, where
they fester Prizingly. Academic research rarely looks at engagements themselves.
Scholars have studied dating, breakups, and divorce and depth, but
the limbo state of engagement, the almost married stage, has
(02:14):
been overlooked. Yet it's arguably one of the most important
junctures in a couple's life. Calling off a wedding isn't easy.
Social expectations, financial investments in sheer momentum often keep people
moving forward despite doubts. The researchers wanted to understand how
people wrestle with those doubts in real time. Instead of
(02:37):
relying on people's memories years later, they tapped into candid
conversations happening online right in the moment of uncertainty. The
team gathered thirty six posts from people questioning whether to
go through with their weddings, along with over twenty two
hundred comments from more than fifteen hundred unique users. The
(02:58):
posts came from engaged indivision rules average age about twenty seven,
who were on average, only two and a half months
away from their weddings. Many were in long term relationships,
some already had children, and most had invested significant time
and money into the partnership. Using a method called grounded theory,
(03:19):
the researchers combed through the stories lined by line, identifying
recurring patterns. They weren't testing a hypothesis so much as
letting themes emerge from the data itself. What they found
is a cycle they call the pre marital hesitation process.
It's not a single decision, but a winding emotional journey
(03:40):
with several predictable steps. The first step consists in disclosing
red flags. At this stage, posters usually began by sharing
a problem of anything from nagging in compatibilities to severe
issues like financial deception, substance abuse, or even intimate partner violence.
These were usually brand new problems, but rather old concerns
(04:03):
that suddenly felt urgent as the wedding loomed almost immediately.
People would then soften their criticism and justify the relationship,
which is the second step. Posters would often write, Yes,
my fiance drinks too much, but he's really supportive. She
lied about her past, but we've been together ten years
and have a child. This balancing act revealed deep ambivalence,
(04:27):
love and loyalty, tugging against fear and doubt. Third, users
would be grappling with hesitation, manifesting their confusion. Was this
just cold feet, the jitters everyone talks about, or were
these genuine deal breakers? Posters pleaded with strangers. Is this
normal stress? Or is it a sign I should run? Finally,
(04:51):
many tried to imagine life five, ten, or twenty years ahead.
Would the same arguments repeat forever? Would resentment grow? What
would parenting together look like? This forward looking lens often
sharpened their anxiety. Here's where Reddit came in. Commenters, unburdened
by sunk costs or social pressure, often delivered blunt assessments.
(05:15):
They validated that the red flags were real, sometimes naming
behaviors as abuse that the poster had downplayed. Commenters also
pushed posters to think longer term, do you want this
dynamic for the rest of your life? They offered stark
comparisons the short term pain of calling off a wedding
versus the far greater pain of divorce. This back and
(05:38):
forth created a rare window into the psychology of doubt,
how love, fear, and outside voices collide when a life
altering choice is on the line. One of the most
surprising findings was how influential strangers could be. Posters seemed
desperate for neutral perspectives, perhaps unwilling to burden friends or
(06:00):
family who might judge their partner. Commenters often cut through
the haze when abuse or addiction appeared. They didn't mince words.
Leave now, it will only get worse. Others share their
own regrets about ignoring cold feet. I wish I'd walked
away before the wedding. Don't be me. Outsiders, whether therapists, educators,
(06:22):
or even Internet strangers, can play a powerful role in
helping people see what they can't or won't admit to themselves.
Engagement doubts are normal, but they're also meaningful. Sometimes nerves
are just nerves. Other times they're early warnings of deeper issues.
Knowing the difference can save years of unhappiness for professionals, therapists, clergy,
(06:47):
premarital counselors. The findings of this study highlight the need
to create safe spaces where engaged people can voice ambivalence
without shame. But many people avoid formal help and instead
turn to anonymous forums, which suggests we need more accessible,
non judgmental avenues for support. Sometimes it signals temporary stress,
(07:10):
other times it's your gut telling you to pay attention.
Doubts doesn't make us weak, it makes us human. Also,
while strangers, particularly on Reddit, aren't a substitute for professional help,
outside perspectives can cut through the fog. That's it for
this episode of the paper Leaf podcast. If you found
(07:31):
it thought provoking, fascinating, or just informative, share it with
the fellow science nerd. For more research highlights and full articles,
visit paperleaf dot com. Also make sure to subscribe to
the podcast. We've got plenty more discoveries to unpack. Until
next time, Keep questioning, keep learning,
Welcome to the paper Leap podcast, where a science takes
the mic. Each episode, we discuss cutting edge research, groundbreaking discoveries,
and the incredible people behind them, across disciplines and across
the world. Whether you're a curious mind, a researcher, or
just love learning, you're in the right place before we start,
(00:21):
don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an insight.
All the content is also available on paper leap dot com. Okay, ready,
let's start. Many people, when they are a few months
away from their wedding start feeling the incredible excitement for
that new chapter of their lives. But many others, when
(00:42):
the invitations are ordered, the deposits are paid, and their
mom is crying happy tears about their dress, also start
thinking am I making a mistake? This is a typical
scenario in romantic comedies. However, according to new research published
in the Journal of Marriage and Family, it's an all
too common reality. The team of researchers behind the study
(01:06):
wanted to better understand the messy, confusing period when engaged
couples feel hesitation. Their work focused on what people actually
say when they're unsure about marrying their fiance instead of
traditional surveys or lab interviews. The researchers went to where
many of us already spill our deepest secrets, the Internet. Specifically,
(01:31):
they analyzed dozens of posts and thousands of comments on Reddit,
the sprawling online forum where strangers swap advice, vent, and
sometimes bear their souls. Relationship science has long shown that
the seeds of divorce are often planted well before the
wedding day. Couples who ignore big warning signs during courtship
(01:53):
or engagement may carry those issues straight into marriage, where
they fester Prizingly. Academic research rarely looks at engagements themselves.
Scholars have studied dating, breakups, and divorce and depth, but
the limbo state of engagement, the almost married stage, has
(02:14):
been overlooked. Yet it's arguably one of the most important
junctures in a couple's life. Calling off a wedding isn't easy.
Social expectations, financial investments in sheer momentum often keep people
moving forward despite doubts. The researchers wanted to understand how
people wrestle with those doubts in real time. Instead of
(02:37):
relying on people's memories years later, they tapped into candid
conversations happening online right in the moment of uncertainty. The
team gathered thirty six posts from people questioning whether to
go through with their weddings, along with over twenty two
hundred comments from more than fifteen hundred unique users. The
(02:58):
posts came from engaged indivision rules average age about twenty seven,
who were on average, only two and a half months
away from their weddings. Many were in long term relationships,
some already had children, and most had invested significant time
and money into the partnership. Using a method called grounded theory,
(03:19):
the researchers combed through the stories lined by line, identifying
recurring patterns. They weren't testing a hypothesis so much as
letting themes emerge from the data itself. What they found
is a cycle they call the pre marital hesitation process.
It's not a single decision, but a winding emotional journey
(03:40):
with several predictable steps. The first step consists in disclosing
red flags. At this stage, posters usually began by sharing
a problem of anything from nagging in compatibilities to severe
issues like financial deception, substance abuse, or even intimate partner violence.
These were usually brand new problems, but rather old concerns
(04:03):
that suddenly felt urgent as the wedding loomed almost immediately.
People would then soften their criticism and justify the relationship,
which is the second step. Posters would often write, Yes,
my fiance drinks too much, but he's really supportive. She
lied about her past, but we've been together ten years
and have a child. This balancing act revealed deep ambivalence,
(04:27):
love and loyalty, tugging against fear and doubt. Third, users
would be grappling with hesitation, manifesting their confusion. Was this
just cold feet, the jitters everyone talks about, or were
these genuine deal breakers? Posters pleaded with strangers. Is this
normal stress? Or is it a sign I should run? Finally,
(04:51):
many tried to imagine life five, ten, or twenty years ahead.
Would the same arguments repeat forever? Would resentment grow? What
would parenting together look like? This forward looking lens often
sharpened their anxiety. Here's where Reddit came in. Commenters, unburdened
by sunk costs or social pressure, often delivered blunt assessments.
(05:15):
They validated that the red flags were real, sometimes naming
behaviors as abuse that the poster had downplayed. Commenters also
pushed posters to think longer term, do you want this
dynamic for the rest of your life? They offered stark
comparisons the short term pain of calling off a wedding
versus the far greater pain of divorce. This back and
(05:38):
forth created a rare window into the psychology of doubt,
how love, fear, and outside voices collide when a life
altering choice is on the line. One of the most
surprising findings was how influential strangers could be. Posters seemed
desperate for neutral perspectives, perhaps unwilling to burden friends or
(06:00):
family who might judge their partner. Commenters often cut through
the haze when abuse or addiction appeared. They didn't mince words.
Leave now, it will only get worse. Others share their
own regrets about ignoring cold feet. I wish I'd walked
away before the wedding. Don't be me. Outsiders, whether therapists, educators,
(06:22):
or even Internet strangers, can play a powerful role in
helping people see what they can't or won't admit to themselves.
Engagement doubts are normal, but they're also meaningful. Sometimes nerves
are just nerves. Other times they're early warnings of deeper issues.
Knowing the difference can save years of unhappiness for professionals, therapists, clergy,
(06:47):
premarital counselors. The findings of this study highlight the need
to create safe spaces where engaged people can voice ambivalence
without shame. But many people avoid formal help and instead
turn to anonymous forums, which suggests we need more accessible,
non judgmental avenues for support. Sometimes it signals temporary stress,
(07:10):
other times it's your gut telling you to pay attention.
Doubts doesn't make us weak, it makes us human. Also,
while strangers, particularly on Reddit, aren't a substitute for professional help,
outside perspectives can cut through the fog. That's it for
this episode of the paper Leaf podcast. If you found
(07:31):
it thought provoking, fascinating, or just informative, share it with
the fellow science nerd. For more research highlights and full articles,
visit paperleaf dot com. Also make sure to subscribe to
the podcast. We've got plenty more discoveries to unpack. Until
next time, Keep questioning, keep learning,
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