October 28, 2025 • 61 mins
In this candid and layered conversation, we speak with Sukanya Venkatraghavan — author of Dark Things, practicing astrologer, and mother to Katha. Known for her imaginative writing and deep introspection, Sukanya opens up about her journey through adoption, motherhood, self-discovery, and creative identity.
The episode moves fluidly between the personal and the philosophical: from the myths surrounding adoption to the small, tender, and hilarious moments that define parenting. Sukanya reflects on how becoming a mother in her 40s and being diagnosed with ADHD reframed her understanding of balance, rest, and self-worth. Through humour, vulnerability, and sharp insight, she reveals how parenting can be both a mirror and a magnifier—forcing us to grow, soften, and laugh at the absurdities along the way.
She also discusses her spiritual path — from tarot to astrology — and how both motherhood and astrology arrived together, transforming her purpose. Whether she’s talking about a toddler meltdown over a biscuit or explaining the beauty of “using her child to bring wonder back into her life,” Sukanya offers something universal: the recognition that no one truly has parenting figured out, and that’s perfectly okay.
🌟 Why You Should Listen
- If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by parenting or questioned your instincts, Sukanya’s honesty and humour will feel like exhale.
- Her take on adoption dismantles stigma and reframes it through empathy and instinct rather than anxiety or guilt.
- Her discussion on mental health, ADHD, and perimenopause offers comfort and validation for older or neurodivergent parents.
- Her reflections on rest as rebellion invite listeners to rethink the generational scripts around motherhood and self-sacrifice.
- This episode beautifully intersects creativity, spirituality, and parenting — showing how identity evolves when life takes an unexpected but meaningful turn.
Notable Quotes from Sukanya
- “He gets the good bits. I get the spiky bits of parenting.”
- “Terrible twos has got the bad rap. A three-year-old is just a two-year-old with job experience.”
- “You don’t have to earn your rest. I love that my child can see me rest.”
- “It’s a deliberate act of rebellion — breaking the generational pattern of tired mothers.”
- “I very cleverly use my child to bring wonder back into my life.”
- “You’re only as old as your child when it comes to parenting.”
- “I’m a student of astrology, and I’m a student of motherhood.”
- “Kindness above all else — and don’t forget to laugh about something every day.”
🧘♀️ About the Guest
Sukanya Venkatraghavan is a storyteller. Formerly the entertainment editor at Marie Claire and a journalist with The Times of India, she has built a literary career rooted in the mystical and mythological. Today, she divides her time between astrology, tarot, writing, and motherhood. Sukanya speaks with unflinching candor about neurodivergence, womanhood, and the fluid meaning of identity — whether as a creator, partner, or parent.
Follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zooku
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
How beautiful, how I. Want her to see you because that
is what she will embody. Hello beautiful people, and
welcome back to another episode of Parenthood.
This is the space where we bringyou real stories from real
parents, and today's guest is someone very special for me.
(00:21):
I first came across Sukanya Venkat Raghavan through her book
Dark Things, a world so hauntingly beautiful that it
stayed with me long after I finished reading it.
I also followed her on Twitter back in those days and I've been
a bit of a fan ever since. I've long wanted to sit down
(00:42):
with her for a face to face conversation, but never quite
had an excuse or reason to make it happen.
Until now with this podcast. Sukanya is a writer and
storyteller whose imagination flows across worlds, through her
books and her explorations in astrology.
But beyond her creative brilliance, she's also a
(01:03):
partner, a mother, and a human navigating the daily Symphony of
love, chaos, and laughter. She has been married to her best
friend Venkat for almost 24 years.
A partnership full of inside jokes, shared philosophies, and
a beautiful rhythm of life builttogether and together.
(01:24):
The parent, the six years old daughter Katha, whose arrival
through adoption has brought magic, joy, and also all the
madding, challenging and fulfilling moments that
parenthood inevitably delivers. I am so delighted that we
finally get to have this conversation today.
Sukanya, thank you to join for joining us on Parenthood.
(01:47):
Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be here and I'm
so glad you didn't tell me to introduce myself because I I'm
very bad at that. You're a little too kind, I
think, but I'll take it. I'll take it today.
Thank you. Thank you.
And if, because you're a storyteller, if your life were a
storybook, what would its title be and which chapter you'd say
(02:08):
you're living right now? I don't know what the title
would be, you know, You know what my Instagram bio says, the
my personal page, it says there are no fun facts about me.
I always, you know, although I've written fancy so far, I
(02:29):
always think if I wrote a book about myself or about
motherhood, I would be more TinaFey or Ma Brombeck.
I don't know if people, I don't know if the current generation
knows about Omar Brombeck at all, but I had a good many
laughs because she was so sardonic about motherhood.
But she never put her kids down at the same time she made fun of
(02:52):
them like Zarna Garg today, famous.
I mean, she's hilarious at the same time, you know, you know,
deep down that she raised, she'sin love with her kids.
That's why she's making fun of them.
So I think my book would be a little like that.
I wouldn't take myself too seriously.
What chapter am I on? I don't know.
I feel like 200 years old. So this would be like if George
(03:13):
RR Martin was writing my book and he's not reached that that
book yet. He's not writing only I would.
It would be like that if I was. That would be the chapter I'm on
get to right? Wow.
And I'd love for our listeners to meet your family through your
eyes. Could you introduce us to Venkat
(03:33):
and Katha? Maybe share a little bit about
your household dynamic, what makes it uniquely yours?
So. I'll start with Venkat.
I was 23 years old working in Chennai for a television channel
and I had no intention of getting married.
My family wanted to get me married because I I was pretty
much a pain in the air for them.And they were like, we're going
(03:55):
to look and if you like, then we'll see.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you keep looking, you keep looking.
And my intention was to not agree because I wanted to move
to Bombay and I wanted to make films.
This was my dream 2425 years ago.
But then nothing was working outmajorly.
And then my my mum's best friendat that time, who was also my
(04:19):
English teacher, he met another English professor at someone of
those teachers camps. And this lady happened to tell
her that my son, I'm looking outfor him, but he's so different
and he's so picky in his own waythat I'm not really finding the
kind of girl he wants. And my English teacher told her
(04:39):
I think I know exactly who you need.
So the mums introduced us through e-mail and we emailed
each other for about 6 months. Then we met and I don't know
when I met him I felt like I wasmeeting an old friend like who I
hadn't been in touch with for a bit.
That was literally how I felt and we had some common ground
(05:00):
that I honestly don't have with most people.
It was a rare common ground thatwe had love for mythology, for
books, certain kind of books, certain way.
We thought, you know, our thinking.
Of course, I was very young then, so was he.
Now I like to believe I've evolved.
So we got married and here we are 24 years later.
(05:22):
Of course, mother would happen much later because I, I, my
career was going great as a filmjournalist.
At the same time, I had some infertility issues.
Not that it bothered me too much, but I decided to pause
that journey and I picked it up when I turned 40.
I'd like to experience motherhood.
You know, that's how Katha came into our lives because I was
(05:45):
like, there's no way anyone, anyanother human being is coming
out of me at this point of my life.
I'm not even going to try. So let's go down the route of
adoption. Yeah, yeah.
How? What is she like as a person?
Tell us about. He is 6 going on 16.
I feel like because I'm also into astrology, I'm an
(06:07):
astrologer. I'm a student of astrology.
Actually, I and I've seen my chart at least.
I truly believe she's a she's a great grandmother, great, great,
great, great, great grandmother reincarnated as my daughter.
Wow. Truly what I think because she's
really like that with me. She has and I've always been
(06:28):
told this child speaks way beyond her age.
Like, you know, she's emotionally intelligent way
beyond her age. And so she mothers me, I think
or other she Childs me. I don't know how to say it, but
she teaches me something every day.
She calls me out. You know, there's one person who
can call me out. It's my six year old girl.
(06:49):
Not too many people can do that.She can, she can call me.
Why are you being so shouty? Why do you have to that for that
thing? You need not have said it in
that voice. Nah, you can say it in a nicer
voice. Nah.
And I'm like, yeah, you're right.
I could have said it nicer. I'm sorry, you know, Let's try
again. Yeah, yeah.
(07:09):
So. I wouldn't feature grandmother,
daughter, boss all rolled into one with her.
And how have the conversations been with Katha?
You know, does she know that she's adopted and what what
happens in the household she's. Known from day one of her
comprehension, at a very young age, a cousin of mine gifted us
(07:32):
a book called Love Makes a Family, which has different
kinds. So Sophia, I love Sophia.
She's a great artist and she herbooks are also really beautiful.
So I used that book initially toshow here are different kind of
families, right? And initially she wouldn't
really get it as she grew older.So here's the thing, OK.
(07:56):
And I know I have, I have a beautiful community of adoptive
parents and kids around me. Strangely, the village was
presented to me, you know, and Ithink that if you had adopted,
say 25 years ago, 30 years ago, you probably went through your
whole life not meeting another set of parents who were adopted
or another kid who was adopted. So you could never see yourself
(08:16):
in somebody else. You never had somebody to share
your experience who knew what you felt.
You're from day one. I had parents who knew exactly
what I was going through. And Katha, some of her two or
three of her closest friends areactually adopted today that she
hangs out on a daily basis. It just happened.
We have not orchestrated this. So coming back to the point of
(08:40):
how do we tell her, one is that it becomes everyday
conversation. It's not like again in the
movies where you sit the child down and you say you know
nothing. From day one, she's been hearing
that, oh, you know, jab Kathako ashram say like pink Penatha.
(09:01):
So she's heard this word ashram.She's heard the word tabligh
ayathi ashram say. It's a very positive memory and
conversation in this house, right?
There is no shame. Yeah, there is no secrecy,
right. And with Katha is completely
(09:24):
invited to be absolutely open inwhatever she wants to ask.
We went from initially saying that Appay and Amma, she calls
us Appay and Amma, we are S Indians, wanted a baby.
Amma couldn't grow one in her tummies.
So she started growing you in her heart.
And then and then you were born in an ashram far away.
And then we went and got you from there.
(09:46):
And that's how we became, by thetime she was about 3 1/2, four
I. So initially she would shut down
a little bit. She would be like, I want you to
be my mum and dad from day one. Why was I alone in that ashram
for a while? So initially, so I remember
telling a couple of my other adoptive parents who are my
(10:06):
friends that I've not, I've shutthis conversation down right
now. I'm not telling her the story
because she seems very sensitiveabout it.
But we continued the normalization at home.
You know, when you came home on this day that happened, This is
what you would eat and drink there.
This is what you were wearing, that sort of thing.
But I shut down the whole fairy tale aspect of it.
(10:26):
Yeah. I believe she wanted to know one
day. One day she said, Amma, how did
I? Where was I gone and whose tummy
was I born in? I don't know.
Maybe she heard something about somebody coming out of
somebody's tummy at school or something else.
I realized this. The child is ready.
You know the thing with childrenis they ask you, they're ready.
Yeah. You know, so that day I
introduced the concept of tummy mamita.
(10:47):
I said you were born in someone else's tummy.
She couldn't take care of you. So and then Mama was anyway
growing you in her heart, right?So the ashram called us and said
here's your baby once you were born.
And then we came and got you. Now of course this is still a
very fluffy beautiful fairy taleish story and I know that as she
grows older she is going to ask the more complicated questions.
(11:12):
Our job as parents is to make sure that she feels completely
safe when she lands on those questions.
Yeah. When she lands on those
questions, she knows there's a safety net been undone.
Yeah. She knows she's loved, she's
cherished. She's and she tells me you're
my. I think every time before sleep,
(11:33):
before sleeping, I tell her thank you for choosing me to be
your mum. Thank you for choosing me as
your mum. And she's like, I didn't choose
you. I was a baby, You chose me.
And I'm like, no, when you grow,when you grow older, you'll
understand that you chose me too.
Like in our hearts, we chose each other.
I don't know how successful I'llbe, Neha, but I think what I
(11:55):
hope will happen is that she will feel extremely safe when
those uncomfortable feelings come up if they do.
Yeah. They will, of course they will,
because adoptive adopted kids already come with a very strong
sense of abandonment. Yeah.
We work through it every day. Every day we work through her
(12:17):
sense of her absolute the traumaof abandoned.
But I hope that the way we are raising her, she will have that
safety net when she lands with those uncomfortable questions.
So she has told me I want to meet my tummy mummy.
So I have, I've been honest. I said we don't really know
where your tummy mummy is, right?
Yeah, but when you grow up and if you're really curious, maybe
(12:38):
we can find out. I'm honest with her.
I give her the answer. I give a grown up.
I give her the same answer. I do not try and sugar coat it
beyond the point. Yeah, yeah.
And I do not actually know anything about the tummy mummy,
so that helps. I'm not lying, right?
Yeah. In India, that's one thing.
And you know, in America, you open adoptions because sometimes
(13:01):
you, you know everything about the parents, right?
India, you know how it is. So it helps me to be honest
because I said we don't know anything about her.
When we when you grow up, we'll see.
Yeah, yeah. And, and she says that, you
know, as of now, she says, oh, I'm special because I'm a tummy.
I'm a tummy baby and a heart baby.
(13:23):
I'm super, I'm special. I have super Bowers.
This is what she says. Beautiful and let me know if I'm
overstepping here, but is there a sense of is there a sense of
ever ever. Is there a sense of that you
can't really be too harsh with her because she's adopted or you
(13:44):
know, in your in your way of. Being.
Are you because you don't have acomparative reference?
Yes, you know sure that. I don't have a biological child
with whom I behave differently. Yeah, but but in your in your
head or heart, it does it ever occur to you that I should, you
(14:04):
know, I should, I'm walking on egg shells with her or something
of that? So I, I want to be very clear
here, I'm not a gentle parent. I know that's a very intentive.
I'm a whatever works parent. Yeah, whatever works in that
moment parent, OK. And I'm definitely not here to
spare her feelings, especially if she's wrong or behaving.
You know, I like any mum. Any mum.
(14:28):
I've also struggled with her growing up.
Tantrums, meltdowns, all these things.
I've had the same struggles as the next person and I remember
seeing something this parenting expert and I really try and
steer clear of those parenting expert videos but they find me
anyway on Instagram. But one really spoke to me was
she said all feelings are acceptable or feelings are all
(14:52):
feelings are welcome, all behaviours are not.
I think that's too far. Adults too.
You can apply this to adults too, right?
All your feelings are valid, butnot the way you're behaving,
right? And with Katha, I think right
now, and I'm that first month, it was that first month.
After that, I'm her mother. That's it.
(15:15):
Let's remove any prefixes or suffixes.
I am her mother and I'm a very Indian mother.
You know why? Because I told you so.
I'm OK saying that, Neha. Yeah.
Why? Because I told you so.
I am your mother, you know, I ama whatever works parent.
(15:40):
And I'm also a perimenopausal parent, 48 years old, you know,
so I I do have a bit of mom rage.
I'm going to be very honest about it.
Yeah. I I think that when you have a
child, no matter how you have the child, right, Biology are
adopted, you come to face with yourself in a way that you never
(16:06):
have before. Yeah, I'm sure you know this,
right? Yes.
You learn the ugliest, the spikiest, the most unhealed
parts of you come knocking. Yes.
And I want to say this to anybody who's watching this
podcast, if you are a mum in this world, OK, go to therapy.
(16:30):
Every mum needs to go to therapybecause we are navigating a
world that never existed before.Yes, kind of consumerism that we
deal with today. Screen time, return gift
culture, birthday party culture,school culture.
You know, we don't know how to parent these kids because we've
(16:54):
never had a press. And I say this, this particular
generation is like that. Yeah, see.
We this world has not existed inthis form even five years ago,
Right. So no, I don't walk around egg
shells with her because I don't want a child who does not know
what it is like to go out into the world.
(17:16):
Yeah, I feel like, and I can only speak for what I observe.
It's not a judgement. There is a certain level of
micro parenting that's happeningtoday.
There's a certain level. And yes, the world is such
today. We have to protect our kids.
I remember by the time I was seven or eight, I grew up in a
small town. I was walking even at twilight
to my friend's house on my own, unaccompanied.
If I needed to get a book, summer vacations, I would leave
(17:39):
the house in the morning, come back at night and come back
hungry and dirty. And my mum would see me then,
right? She didn't worry about where I
was. But that was a very different
world. And I know today we wouldn't let
our kids cross the road alone, yeah, even to the next building
alone, right. If mums hesitate to even drop
off their kids alone for a, for clear AIDS, yes.
(18:00):
And I think that while the worldis like that and it that's why
we have become like that. There is a certain level of
micro parenting and overprotectiveness that we have
brought into our parenting today.
We have raised It's very likely these kids are going to grow up
without any problem solving abilities.
(18:21):
They have to crumble at the mostminor of inconveniences because
they don't know what. Inconveniences are yeah, and we
are solving their problems for them even before the problems
come. Exactly.
We, we are solving their problems for them.
We are not letting them experience life as it should be
experienced. We are so protected they they
have. They are only going in cars,
(18:41):
they don't know what it is like to walk, even walk a small
distance. I'm talking about city kids and
I I'm sure there are mums who will watch this episode who'll
say that's not how my child is. I I like I said, I'm talking
about my observation. OK, pretty kids today, the
average 5-6 year old no problem solving abilities absolutely and
will crumble at the most minor of inconveniences because they
do not know what an inconvenience is to begin with.
(19:04):
Everything is done for them. So I feel somewhere and it's
very interesting that we're recording the podcast at this
time because I've been talking to my friends for the last two
weeks for the parenting crisis that I feel like I'm in, you
know, where I just feel like what is going on?
Like how are we raising our kids?
I really think we have to re evaluate that often, if not all
(19:24):
the time in the current world because we don't even know like
AI, are there going to be jobs 20 years later?
What are we training our kids for?
What is the education for? We don't know that this problem
wasn't there 20 years ago. Yeah.
You know what you were training your kid for?
Yeah. That if your child studied this,
this, this, they could become this, this, this.
(19:46):
Our kids. No clue.
Yeah. No clue, right?
We don't know if you're sending them off into a zombie
apocalypse in 20 years, because that's quite possible.
That is probably what they're going into, right?
Sorry, I became very dark suddenly to answer your
question. No walking around actions.
All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not I am your
(20:08):
mother and you know yes. Am I scared that when she turns
into a Moody teenager, she turned on and say, oh, you
didn't you're not getting me themy iPhone because you're not my
biological mother. So be it Sorry, I'm not your
biological mother. I'm your adopted mother.
I am your mother. The word mother stills there in
the. Yeah.
It's still there. Deal with it, right?
(20:31):
Because I don't believe in pussyfooting around kids.
Because every child comes with their own set of capabilities
and what they can't do immediately, their own landscape
of emotional intelligence. And it's my job as a mother to
(20:51):
recognize exactly what she's capable of in both these
contexts, right? Are not overprotective.
Yeah, with adopted kids anyway. There's no over protection.
You know, I am. Especially if you operate the
way I do. And I, some of my friends do who
have adopted kids. We are open from day one.
Can of worms or the Pandora's box has been open since day one.
(21:14):
Now up now what to work on egg shells.
Yeah. That's true.
The. Biggest thing that has to be
addressed with them is being addressed every single day
without shame, without secrecy, without guilt.
Why would I walk around eggshells over small?
I'm not going to sweat the smallshit then.
Yeah, absolutely not true. And I want to talk about
(21:38):
something you said earlier aboutyour village being handed to
you, you know, tell us about that.
Tell us about who your village is and how did you find it.
I'm. Absolutely blessed.
I, I grew, I grew up, I live in a, I would say a slightly
greener area of Bombay than you would expect.
(21:58):
There are 6 parks in the vicinity.
Kata's just grown up in these parks, especially one for some
reason, I found the mums and thekids that absolutely have each
other's back. That is one side OK.
The other side is just when I was registering for adoption, a
friend's friend was also doing the same.
(22:20):
So we connected. We knew each other from a very
long and our adoption journeys were very close and very
similar. At the same time, I joined this
Facebook group called for Heart Babies.
So we had and this is the village that I talk about.
This is important. The ashram that we got Katta
(22:41):
from wanted us to go to a government hospital and do our
tests. They probably didn't want us to
fake the test with a private doctor.
I get it. But.
Government hospital means it would have taken US 20 days to
get the test results. Yeah, but even do all that was
an entire. Yeah, gamut of.
Gamut. I was like, please let me go to
my GP. Going to forever.
(23:02):
No, we need it from a governmenthospital and I'm thinking if I
could get to know someone at a government hospital, we'll do
all the tests, which is someone who could have accelerated
because we want to go pick up a baby.
Yes right didn't know anybody nobody in my immediate circle,
nobody in my not immediate circle loads.
(23:23):
But I joined that heart babies group in desperation.
I said we have a referral has come, but this is what they
expect from us. Is there anyone who can help?
And there was a stranger who appeared out of nowhere.
She she also hadn't got no referral yet.
She was also a waiting parent. She DM D me saying I actually
(23:44):
know the Dean of so and so hospital call me this person
that I didn't know from Adam made the process easier for me
and we were on a flight 3 days later to get our baby where it
would have taken US 20 days. Wow.
The village does appear when youwant, right?
So we have friends today. Her child is also like, you
(24:05):
know, she's one year younger than Katha.
So I don't know how this has happened, Neha.
It's just even for Qatar, her point of reference for adoption
is not difficult at all because there are two kids who come and
play with the one child who comes almost every day to play
another one who's in school withher.
Both of them are adopt and theirparents have the very similar
(24:25):
approaches when it comes to talking about adoption.
There's no shame, there's no secrecy, right?
I don't know. I when you asked me to talk,
talk about this village, I have goose flesh because when I was
growing up and I heard about theone of adopted child, I only
heard a negative story that theyfelt that they feel really
alienated. They don't feel connected.
(24:47):
They, you know, they have all sorts of psychological issues.
And I never heard a positive adoption story, to be honest,
till I adopted one myself. And I have to say that this is
how the universe conspires, right?
Truly, this is how the universe conspires.
The village does appear if you truly, truly want to have that
(25:13):
village. Wow wow, I am having goosebumps
as you are speaking about it. And tell us, Sukanya, were there
any myths or misconceptions in your head about adoption and
about raising an adoptive baby that got busted right after you
got Katha? No, I, I didn't read any books
(25:35):
or anything. Why talk about adoption?
I what about the myths of parenting?
Like, you know, I see all these IG reads and I'm laughing and
I'm actually laughing at myself because it's like, oh, I won't
let my child have screen time. I won't let my child eat tips
and you're like, wait until you get a child, a child screaming.
You're like yo-yo yo take the packet of chips.
(25:55):
Just leave me alone for 5 minutes, right?
Never say never. With parenting, each day is a
new story. With adoption, it was a concern.
Not like it kept me up at night,but our people would react.
Again, I have to say starting from my family.
In fact, it was my grandmother who said why don't you adopt?
(26:17):
My grandma is 85 year 86 years old.
Suppose when she was 80 she toldme why don't you adopt?
Came eight-year old grandma right?
Starting from my family, the reactions have been only
positive, right? If there were some negative
reactions, they will always be No no, AI didn't hear them too
(26:41):
much. It's A1 or 2P a lot of times.
What comes across as wrong or Q?What do you call it?
What is the word inquisitive or is actually coming from a place
of not knowing? Yes.
(27:01):
And not having the education, Yeah, about adoption, not having
enough information or saying I get this all the time.
Oh my God, you did such a noble thing.
Yeah. Oh my God, you are such a good
human being. You did such an amazing thing by
adopting a child. It's not charity.
(27:21):
It's not charity. I am not a noble person.
I'm a selfish person. In fact, I wanted I wanted a
family. I wanted to experience
motherhood right. Some people might see this as a
shortcut. Yeah.
You know, and it took me some time as I grew in my journey as
a mother to not be affronted by it, to actually handle it with a
(27:46):
laugh and say, I know I went to somebody and I they wanted to
see her photograph and I showed her and they said, Oh my God,
she's so cute. From where did you source for?
I was like, I thought that thesethese are not organic farm grown
mangoes, that you've sought somestuff, living, breathing human
(28:11):
being, right? So it took me a while to
understand that not everything is intended negatively.
It really comes from a place of not knowing of unfamiliarity to
this kind of a situation. So myths, I would say maybe
(28:32):
people or because of my experiences when I was growing
up of whatever few adopted kids I knew, I was one worried that
there would be a lot of negativity around them.
I did read one book, I'm not going to name it here because in
case there's a parent and waiting and they read the book
and they get something positive about out of it, so be it.
So I will not name it. I did read a very respected,
(28:54):
very old, it's quite a old book,like it's what 2025 or maybe
even older book on adoption, which was recommended
everywhere. Any adoption side to go, they
recommend that book. I picked up the book.
I started reading it, 60 pages and I said I'm done because that
only said your child will not love you.
That abandoned abandonment trauma is going to come in the
(29:16):
way. They are going to never forgive
you for taking them away from their birthday depending on the
situation. It was an American author, blah
blah blah. And I said, you know what, I'm
fine. I don't need to read these books
anymore. I will deal with it with your
instinct, The same instinct I would have used had I been a
biological parent, I will use for my child because I have
(29:39):
that. I'm a mother now, right?
That instinct was there in me. So didn't read any of those
books to be honest. And if anything, I would like to
write a children's book on adoption.
Oh yeah, that will be so. That dispels the myths and
misconceptions about adoption, but through a child's lens.
When I use. Getting started.
(30:00):
Well, I'm a writer, so I'm always started.
It is in the works, you know, projects in the pipeline, but I
don't know when I'm going to actually get down to it and do
it. It's it will happen very soon.
We look forward to it. And tell me, tell me about, you
know, Venkat and you, how your relationship has evolved over
(30:21):
the years, especially once parenting entered the mix, how
you said that you know, you havethe same philosophy when it
comes to parenting. So tell us about that.
Tell us about how your relationship has evolved.
So we are like I told you before, we are best friends.
Like even if we fight, we have literally made-up in the next
(30:43):
second because we can't be sulkywith each other.
It's too much. We just want to be silly again.
We want to say crack some silly joke.
That's how we operate. I'm actually jealous of Venkat
because the bond he has with Katha is mistakeably something
else. Like unmistakably as an
(31:06):
astrologer, I can say a past life connection.
They I'm the third wheel when they are out, of course he gets
the good bits. I get the spiky bits of
parenting. He goes to work and work from
home. I am the good bad cop.
He's the good cop, so he gets the good bits.
He's the party friend. I am the not, not exactly the
(31:27):
party friend. Let's get the assignments done
friend. You know what I mean?
So yes, his job may seem easier.I get the spiky bits, but even
then I think that they're they have a bond that I'm not jealous
of the bond. I'm jealous of him.
So I'm like, I'm supposed to be the mother, you know, miracle
(31:48):
humanity flowing through me or whatever.
What happened? Like, how are you doing this so
much with so much, so much more ease than I do Sometimes he
handles with so much more ease. You could also be that I'm
handling the whole deal and he handles her for obviously way
less time than I do, so it's easier maybe, But even then it's
very clear. That very evident.
(32:10):
How has our relationship changed?
I think we've learned how to work as a team.
When it comes to her, we are a team.
We'll squabble because we have now become uncle and auntie on
the side, right? But then it comes to Katya.
We are on the same team and she cannot try and manipulate one
against the other that he's a puddle when it comes to her
(32:33):
otherwise. But when she goes to him saying
but Amma said this but can you? No, no Amma said it.
That means it's that is what it is right?
Because I what Amma says, I'm inagreement.
Yeah. So we are pretty much OK so far
with how we parent her and what it's done to our relationship.
(32:55):
So far we are good. Yeah.
No broken bones anywhere. Not that we can see.
Not that we can see. Yeah, and you've often described
parenting as magical, madding, challenging and fulfilling all
at once. Could you share some moments or
a story maybe, or an instance that really illustrates this
(33:18):
mix? If she sees this podcast 15
years later, she's going to killme.
But I remember madding when I truly didn't know what to do was
we were travelling in the car back from school and she had
three. I gave her a snack box and it
had up 3-4 biscuits and I I generally because I wanted to
(33:38):
see if she'd share. So I said, can I have one?
She looked at me with utmost suspension.
She said OK, she was 3, she was 3.
And I cooked the biscuit and I ate it because I was also a
little peckish, I think. And once I ate the biscuit, I
can still hear the tent. I can still hear the rage.
I want the biscuit back, I said.But I've eaten it.
(34:01):
No, I want the biscuit back. Give it back to me.
I said. How can I get the biscuit back
to you? I've already eaten it.
No, you do tea and you give the biscuit back to me.
And she has meltdowned for 45 minutes.
Wow. And I'm like, I'll give you a
whole new packet of biscuits, but I cannot give you the
(34:21):
biscuit. You by the way, generously
offered me and now is in my tummy.
So that was 1. I don't know if I'm meeting your
requirements, but absolutely same thing happened, which she
was obsessed with flushing. So we were also encouraging our
independent CEO by mistake muscle memory.
She was on the party seat. I flushed, bring it back.
(34:47):
I said, how can I bring it back?It's gone.
No, bring it. You do you bring it back.
Sorry I don't have TMI person. So you know when they you know
what this you know, you know Thething is this OK, and I'm going
to sum it up also. We were at some very
philosophical moments recently. She is very so she loves
(35:08):
Krishna. We're not a very religious
household. My husband's a complete non
believer. I'm what I am and I but she
loves the story of Krishna also because he's also kind of a
foster child and you know, he lived with his parents and he
went and lived with his adopted or adoptive or foster parents.
She loves it and she's obsessed with all Krishna stories.
(35:28):
And one day she asked me, am I? Why are all gods male boys?
She didn't use the word male. She said, boys, why aren't there
any female gods, girl gods? I said of course there are girl
gods. So I named her.
I said but it might feel like there are more girl gods, boy
gods than girl gods. That's not true.
I said do you know that the ultimate God, the one who gave
(35:50):
birth to even the gods, is a girl Shakti?
Like baby, all gods come from her.
So I told her this whole thing and then one day 2 days have
passed and she's come back and she wants to know.
Amma, you told me that there's agirl God who's like the first
God or whatever. What color is she?
What color would she be? Is she like Krishna?
(36:12):
I said. You know what?
You're actually right. Right.
Yeah. You know, so she has these very
philosophical questions with me.There was a time when she was
very obsessed with that. So she would be like I said, you
know, people go to the sky and they become stars when they die.
Because my grandfather died, what, two years ago.
So I had to explain it to her. So two days back, two days
(36:34):
later, again, you know, she's thought about it, she's pondered
over it. She comes back and she says when
we go to the sky, will we know we are going to the sky?
And what if we don't like it there?
You know, yeah, I also want to know.
Yeah, exactly. I'm like let you know.
I would love to know too. So, you know, I want to sum it
up saying that you know they sayterrible twos, right?
(36:56):
Terrible twos has got the bad rap.
And then what happens when they turn 3?
It's just a 2 year old with job experience.
Not original. Got it from a meme.
This is a 2. What's a three-year old?
What's a four year old again? A three-year old with more job
experience. It's not ending.
Yeah, right. It's only the tools get a wrap.
(37:20):
I think that's that's that's themyth.
Not just about adoption, about parenting.
The myth is the terrible tools. Yeah, it's every, it's every
age, I think literally, you know.
Yeah, and, and tell us about yourself.
Where are you right now in your journey balancing being a
(37:42):
storyteller, partner or parent? What does your day-to-day look
like? What does your day-to-day life
is? Looking like we wake up really
early now because that has school starts at 8:00 so we get
up at 6. I wake her up a little later,
she's on the bus by 7:20. Wow.
I the day runs itself. We are a regular household, you
(38:05):
know, we have people who come and cook and clean.
Thankfully, some days I do it, Venkat goes off to work and then
I get into my astrology. So as much as I do practice it
in my own way along with my Taro, I will always be a student
of astrology. So my entire day goes and
revisiting my classes. I'm doing some advanced classes
(38:25):
now. My entire day goes in astrology.
This is my world. That's it.
It's either Katha and her life and her school and her play
dates, or it's the strategy, or it's both happening at the same
time somehow. I'm not a good balance on here.
I don't know how to. I'm not one of those super moms.
(38:46):
I'm not one of those super people who know how to balance.
Some area of my life is always suffering because somehow I have
these two main priorities, Right.
And I must say, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year.
It's first time I'm saying it out loud.
(39:07):
Wow. Yeah.
ADHD. And, you know, at the age of 48,
ADHD is now nicely marinated in perimenopause.
So even trying to get a balance in life, it's hopeless.
You just you just go with the flow, clutch at whatever
beautiful straws you get, and you keep flowing.
That's it, you know, so, but yeah, the day is pretty much
(39:27):
chill for us. Astrology is my world, Katha is
my world and my husband is my world.
So it works out fine I think in the at the end of the day.
Yeah, yeah. And.
When I say I'm a student of astrology, I also want to say
I'm a student of motherhood. No one comes into motherhood
fully ready. Yes, somebody knows what's going
(39:49):
on. You know, those mothers, mommy
bloggers, mommy influencers looklike they've got the shit
together. I can tell no one knows what the
hell is going on, I can assure you.
And you have to be a student at every point.
You have to say, I wake up today, I'm as old as my child.
It comes to being a parent, right?
You're not your biological age. You are only as old as your
(40:13):
child. So I'm a student right now in
every way. Yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad you said that because my next question is
about that, that, you know, you said you're as old as your
child. So in that sense, you're also
kind of rediscovering yourself. You're kind of because
motherhood is not just a part ofyou, it's part, it's a very
(40:36):
critical part of your identity now.
And and, you know, I want to know, has motherhood kind of
change the way you approach yourcreative work?
Do you find Katha seeping into your stories?
Like literally, directly, or indirectly?
(40:57):
Like I said, I wrote fantasy books for adults, and now what
did I say? I want to write a children's
book, right? Yeah.
There's no way motherhood does not reshape you.
And while I haven't written a word in many, many years, as
long as Katta came home, you know what what activated when
Katta came home. And if you see my chart now
(41:18):
anybody who knows astrology whenthey see the chart, when they
see my birth chart, they will know she had she brought
astrology into my life in the way if I was looking at it
before also, but the real activation that happens.
No, no, this is it. I found my purpose in life that
year. I found my found two purposes,
(41:41):
both the child and the modality child and this magical science
we call astrology. So we are tarot reader for 15
minutes. And now I know that any, any
story I write, whether it's for adults or kids, I will also
write it as a mother, no matter what the topic is.
(42:06):
And because I'm very lazy, I like to blame it on her.
I like to say, oh, I was my mother.
I've not written another book. It's been 6 years.
I should really be, but no, it'snot her.
It's me. Just my creative process.
It's a it's the way the wires are crisscrossed.
Sometimes also with being so immersed in astrology, being an
(42:28):
immersed in astrology is like being immersed is like taking a
deep dive into the ocean, right?You know what you're going to
find. You don't know when you'll come
up. You're going to come up.
Yeah. So I'm OK.
I'm OK staying in that deep dive.
Yeah, sounds beautiful. And do you find in the middle of
(42:48):
it all, do you find time for yourself?
What does me time look for you? Thank you for asking this
because we are a generation grewup only seeing our mum's tired.
Yes. Overworked, yes.
Burdened with household responsibilities.
But today they'll all laugh and say no.
(43:09):
We love doing it. Of course.
We love doing it all. I love that my child can see me
rest. I've built my life like that.
Yeah. Right.
I like that my child sees that Iam not a headless chicken from
morning to night. I It's a deliberate act of
(43:33):
rebellion on my part. Yeah.
I want to be very clear about this.
Right. It's breaking a generational
curse, trauma, generational, whatever you want to pattern in
a way. Yeah.
I want her to see a mum whose cup is full.
Yeah. How beautiful, how I.
(43:54):
Want her to see you because thatis what she will embody.
Yeah. Without guilt, you know, with
you, you don't have to earn yourrest.
There are days when I do nothing.
She's at school. I'm reading, I'm watching my
videos. I Potter around.
I sketch a little bit. I talk to my friends.
(44:14):
What did I do Through the day would look like nothing to
somebody else because I didn't really cook or clean or do
anything that women are expectedto do during the day.
Right? And maybe this sounds very
privileged, but I want to say even that privilege is an act of
rebellion. Yeah.
Because I allow myself that privilege.
(44:35):
Yes, I know. I know people who I know of
people who have the same kind ofprivileges, but they wear their
stress as a badge. Yeah.
You know, and I I want to break that generational pattern.
Yeah. I don't want my child to see a
(44:57):
tired mother. Yeah, I want her to see a mother
who's resting, doing the things she loves in front of her.
Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. And tell me about friendships.
You know, friendships and socialcircles often shift, I would
say, after parenthood. Has that happened with you?
(45:17):
Yes, I remember when I said lifewas not balanced right and I
don't know how to do it. I'm hopeless at it.
I clearly suck at it on some other level.
You know, they especially in bigcities, I think in Bombay, they
say, oh, you know, these mommy groups are very scary.
Drop your kids, all these mums. They're very scary.
And it's very clicky and it's very, there's a lot of politics
(45:38):
between mums and schools. And I went in with that, that in
the back of my mind when I enrolled them.
And I want to say that I met some amazing women through these
who are also mums. OK, Again, the myths not clearly
(45:58):
about adoption, about women in general, right?
And I'm so grateful. And I did not.
It was about Qatar school and her social life and her
educational journey. I did not set out to find a
social component to her school. It just happened.
(46:19):
I think I found a village again.It's the game village on some
amazing women writers, entrepreneurs, documentary film
makers, stay at home mums, artists.
We all come together, we parent together.
It's beautiful. I have some very, very ancient
friendships because I'm like that.
(46:40):
My friendships tend to last despite me.
They last, if I can say so. And I think I try my best to
balance because they are, they may not be mums, some of them
are, some of them are not. They are very similar people.
Again, they are creative people,kind people, amazing women, but
(47:03):
doing amazing things. And I'd like to believe that all
these friendships are for life and I don't want to segregate
them as my mum friends and my non mum friends.
Sometimes I do it for convenience, so people know who,
where I'm going, who I'm meetingwith my head.
Yeah. So become a friend to me,
doesn't matter. I don't have that segregation.
But I am not very good at balancing my social life.
(47:28):
Also because I have ADHD and certain amount of social anxiety
and I, I have massive social burnout.
So yeah, I'll show up. Like even after this, I'll need
an app, to be honest. Like I'll show up, I'll, I'll be
good. But then it takes me to two
business days to recover. Yeah, trust me when I say I
(47:49):
don't have more than one recording on every couple of
days. So it's it's just gets very
tiring for me. I'll be very talked out after
this. Yes.
For all the right reasons. Yeah.
And I won't. And so I have massive social
burnout, a little bit of social anxiety.
I don't do well in Raj Roops, really.
(48:11):
I think any friend that comes into my life accepts this about
me. They love it.
They they they work with it. No, they don't love it.
They work with it. They work with it.
You know, the level of acceptance that I get is
amazing. So again, blessed, I would say.
Yeah, you know what? But yeah, balance is something
(48:32):
that motherhood for me, the mostchallenging aspect of me balance
different aspects of my life. Yeah, yeah.
And again, because you talk about challenge, I want to segue
into overwhelm, the parenting overwhelm, how it how it comes
over us sometimes. And could you share a moment
(48:54):
when you felt particularly challenged and how you find your
how you found your way through it?
I'll tell you how. I don't know about a particular
moment, but I feel very touched out also because of my
neurodivergence. I feel, you know in the whole
day the child is at home and shewants to hug you and children
want to sit really close to you at this age.
(49:15):
Yeah. Right.
Even if you tell them you play on your own, they want to come
and sleep so truly. And it's enduring.
And I know mothers of older kidskeep saying enjoy, this will not
come back soon. They'll be sulky senior
teenagers, you know, shut up in their room, barely exchanging a
word with you. But I feel very touched.
And I think this is a very common mum problem touched out
(49:38):
my ears start hurting after a while.
Amma, amma. Like if I had a penny for each
time, coin for each time she says Amma by the time it's 9:00
AM in the morning, you know, or she could have a drinking game
and I'd be a drunk. I'll be an absolute drunk girl.
So I think that mom overwhelmed for me is also because it
coincides you to remember I'm anolder parent.
And again, I want to say I'm so glad that I have parents who are
(50:02):
of similar ages around me. Otherwise, most, most of the
time when you are mother of a six year old, chance that you're
only going to meet young 30 yearolds or 20 year olds.
Yeah, late 20s, early 30s somehow, maybe because of the
adoption angle also also, that'salso great, right?
Women exploring motherhood at the age that they feel ready.
(50:22):
Yeah, there are women who are inand around my age today and we
all have the same problem, whichis penny menopause, right.
And brain fog. Now make bring mom overwhelm mom
brain into that mix. This is what you get.
How many times did we rescheduleright and today that's it.
That's what that's how the Momo world works.
(50:44):
I have committed to you for today and I have beautifully
picked a day when my staff is absent and I knew they would be.
I have advanced notice that today is was yesterday was with
surgeon. I know they're not going to show
up. It does not register in my mom
brain, right? Yeah, I need an assistant.
Clearly someone. I'll apply.
(51:09):
Oh, I don't know if I'm very I. Cannot do another mum or someone
around my age for my general need a young.
Person. What a what a what a nice way of
rejecting me. Sukanya, you're rejecting me so
nicely. No, no, I will welcome you into
my club as a as a no. I don't know if we
(51:30):
perimenopausal, but as a mom whogets what I'm saying, but I
can't have you as an assistant. We will be doomed.
I'm already doomed. OK, tell me on the flip side,
what's one small moment, perhapssomething very, very ordinary
that has left a deep impact on you as a parent?
You know, these are the questions that my, my, I just
(51:51):
feel like I'm really on the spot, you know, I, I feel like
with Katha, what I really noticed with her is how she
brings my focus back into the things that absolutely escape my
focus as an adult. So I remember it was COVID and
(52:13):
we had gone to my parents place for a couple of months and this
one year old child saw a butterfly for the first time in
her life because we took a walk Kerala.
So we took a walk outside, there's a lot of trees and
greenery. And she saw a butterfly for the
first time and the wonder in hereyes.
(52:35):
And then I realized that I had not for myself registered really
being wonder struck with joy about a butterfly in a really
long time. Right.
Yeah. As adults, we forget.
(52:55):
Yeah. So I very cleverly used my child
to bring wonder back into my life.
How beautiful. And that is in the everyday
things, right? Like because she draws something
and shows it to me saying I do this for you today.
And I realize, hey, I don't notice such things anymore,
right? And she's drawing.
She's picking up. Yeah.
(53:15):
Or I love that I'm back in the world of children's books.
I get to read to her every day. Like, I love it.
I love that I'm back in that world.
Yeah. So I think I don't know about 1
moment. Yeah, but.
This. It's a sum of all these Yeah,
(53:36):
together, right. The butterfly stood out for me.
I remember thinking that becausefrom the age of 6 months to one
year she was inside the house locked down and then we somehow
took a flight to Kerala and the first walk we took we saw
butterfly. Still remember it was a white
butterfly. Wow, she's supposed to say
(53:56):
apatah at that point? She did not say butterfly, she'd
say apatah apatah apatah. Like I don't remember the last
time I stopped and looked at a butterfly and felt wonder stuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I this, this, this, you
know, tells me, I mean, this makes me curious about future
(54:18):
looking ahead. You said, you know, you
mentioned earlier that if Katha watches this podcast, say 15
years from now, she'll she'll beso angry about it.
But but what is something you hope Katha carries with her from
the way you and Venkata are raising you?
Raising her? Raising us Also, you're not
(54:38):
wrong. Yeah, raising yourself also.
Yeah. And what is what is something
that you hope she carries with her 15 years from now?
20 years from now. You mean specifically about
adoption? Or no, no, no, no about.
About the baby razor. Yes, yes.
Being kind comes first, I think this year and last year, this
(55:01):
year, she was in a space to understand it better.
When I started last year, I toldher you must watch out for the
new kids in your class. You see, Katta herself is not
the most extroverted child you'll find.
Initially. She takes time to open up.
Yeah, she's shy. But since now you've been in
that school for three years, yougot the new kid, you know, make
(55:23):
sure that you talk to them. And this is something I'm going
to tell her every year, I think.Kindness about all else.
Yeah. Kindness and I'm trying to find
something to laugh about everyday.
Yeah, something be silly. We are very silly as a couple.
Also, we tend to be quite silly.Yeah.
(55:45):
They're the stupidest jokes thatnobody else will get.
And you know, we laugh. And some of those books are 24
years old. But is she in on those jokes
now? She's.
Slowly getting in. Now she's she's, she's slowly
getting in. She's funny herself.
So she has she's and now if you ask me, put me on the spot, I
will not remember. But she has said a couple of
(56:06):
really funny things. And I think what she will take
away is learn. Learn like don't forget to be
silly. Don't forget to be Don't forget
to laugh about something every day in a good way and be kind.
Yeah. Yeah, and if you were to sit
across from your pre parent self, before Katha, before all
of it, what is there a piece of advice you would want to give to
(56:30):
her? Good advice but I tell her that
see the pre parent Katha is alsosorry pre Katha Sukanya is also
the woman who kept wondering if she should be a mum.
Oh. Right where the motherhood was
for. So I tell her, you're doing all
(56:50):
right. You're doing all right, you're
doing OK, right? Because when I took the decision
to that I wanted a child, it wasn't about, And I say this to
anybody who's a little ambivalent about having kids.
I say, don't ask yourself, do I want to be pregnant?
(57:12):
Women, Women mainly ask yourself, do I want to
experience motherhood? Because there are myriad ways in
which you can experience motherhood.
Yes. Just one.
There's not just one way, right?So many ways in which you can
experience motherhood. So many.
It's not do I want to get, do I want to go to the gynecologist
(57:34):
and try another time? No, that's not the answer.
That's not the question or the answer.
The question is really need to ask yourself is do I want to be
a mother? Right, because that kind of
transcends the obstacles on you in your way.
No, I wish I had heard this fiveyears back was sometime earlier,
(57:56):
because then that would have, you know, I don't know, things
happen when they have to happen,I guess.
But but it's just that I never thought of it this way.
I always thought that, oh, I don't want to bring a child out
in this world through my tummy, you know, things like that.
So it was always like that for me.
(58:18):
I mean, ultimately I got pregnant and I got a child out
of my tummy because I got over that thing.
Yes, whatever. But I never thought of it this
way. It is just such a beautiful way
of looking at motherhood that Doyou want to because.
No, I'll tell you why, Neha. Because as around the world,
especially in India maybe, but also around the world, women are
(58:41):
not really given the choice. Yeah, we are extremely lucky
people, privilege people that weget to choose whether we want to
be mothers or not. Most of the time it just
happens. Trust into it.
Yeah. Just into that role, right?
My mum became a mum when she was21.
Yeah, 21. I didn't know my ass for my
elbow, man. Like being a mum, Unimaginable
(59:02):
for me. Yeah.
So I I think that that is also, you know, having that choice,
we've got to use it. Well, yeah.
Or everybody gets to choose. Or everybody get gets to choose.
Yeah. Nice.
And now we are coming to an end.So I have one final question for
(59:25):
you. If you had to share one piece of
wisdom or insight with our listeners that kind of
encapsulates who you are and what you stand for as a parent
and as well as as a storyteller,what would that be?
Stuff fun because so many so many things and you know, I I
(59:45):
think the one thing that I want to tell people as a human being,
you know, let's just not tell her not a mother is never stop
learning. Don't think you're this is my
child and she's younger in age to me.
I brought her into this world orwhatever.
So I'm always going to have the role of the teacher.
(01:00:10):
Children teach you so much. Not always in an easy way that
like I told you, therapy happened.
I had to literally run to therapy because I suddenly first
faced with all these parts of myself that I had not rest
right. And I want I don't want that
person to be who she sees all the time.
(01:00:31):
It's a it's a it's tough. It's tough.
I am not a perfect parent. So I think my only one of the
key bits of advice for anybody in any whatever whatever stage
of life you are in, be open to learning.
Yeah. Be open to learning, be open to
discovering, because what you think is a particular belief
(01:00:54):
system today may not exist in your life tomorrow.
Yeah. Can change and evolve.
Yeah. Be a student.
Be a student of life. Beautiful.
So nice Sukanya, this has been such a rich and heartwarming
conversation. Thank you, I enjoyed talking to
(01:01:15):
you. Thank you for letting us into
your world, and thank you for being a part of this part
writing. Day.
And to our listeners, I hope you're taking away as much
warmth and reflection from this episode as I am.
If you enjoyed this conversation, please do
subscribe, share Parenthood withother parents in your circle,
(01:01:35):
and leave us a review. It helps more parents find these
stories and feel a little less alone.
Until next time, this is Neha signing off from Parenthood.
See you next week. Bye bye.
How beautiful, how I. Want her to see you because that
is what she will embody. Hello beautiful people, and
welcome back to another episode of Parenthood.
This is the space where we bringyou real stories from real
parents, and today's guest is someone very special for me.
(00:21):
I first came across Sukanya Venkat Raghavan through her book
Dark Things, a world so hauntingly beautiful that it
stayed with me long after I finished reading it.
I also followed her on Twitter back in those days and I've been
a bit of a fan ever since. I've long wanted to sit down
(00:42):
with her for a face to face conversation, but never quite
had an excuse or reason to make it happen.
Until now with this podcast. Sukanya is a writer and
storyteller whose imagination flows across worlds, through her
books and her explorations in astrology.
But beyond her creative brilliance, she's also a
(01:03):
partner, a mother, and a human navigating the daily Symphony of
love, chaos, and laughter. She has been married to her best
friend Venkat for almost 24 years.
A partnership full of inside jokes, shared philosophies, and
a beautiful rhythm of life builttogether and together.
(01:24):
The parent, the six years old daughter Katha, whose arrival
through adoption has brought magic, joy, and also all the
madding, challenging and fulfilling moments that
parenthood inevitably delivers. I am so delighted that we
finally get to have this conversation today.
Sukanya, thank you to join for joining us on Parenthood.
(01:47):
Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be here and I'm
so glad you didn't tell me to introduce myself because I I'm
very bad at that. You're a little too kind, I
think, but I'll take it. I'll take it today.
Thank you. Thank you.
And if, because you're a storyteller, if your life were a
storybook, what would its title be and which chapter you'd say
(02:08):
you're living right now? I don't know what the title
would be, you know, You know what my Instagram bio says, the
my personal page, it says there are no fun facts about me.
I always, you know, although I've written fancy so far, I
(02:29):
always think if I wrote a book about myself or about
motherhood, I would be more TinaFey or Ma Brombeck.
I don't know if people, I don't know if the current generation
knows about Omar Brombeck at all, but I had a good many
laughs because she was so sardonic about motherhood.
But she never put her kids down at the same time she made fun of
(02:52):
them like Zarna Garg today, famous.
I mean, she's hilarious at the same time, you know, you know,
deep down that she raised, she'sin love with her kids.
That's why she's making fun of them.
So I think my book would be a little like that.
I wouldn't take myself too seriously.
What chapter am I on? I don't know.
I feel like 200 years old. So this would be like if George
(03:13):
RR Martin was writing my book and he's not reached that that
book yet. He's not writing only I would.
It would be like that if I was. That would be the chapter I'm on
get to right? Wow.
And I'd love for our listeners to meet your family through your
eyes. Could you introduce us to Venkat
(03:33):
and Katha? Maybe share a little bit about
your household dynamic, what makes it uniquely yours?
So. I'll start with Venkat.
I was 23 years old working in Chennai for a television channel
and I had no intention of getting married.
My family wanted to get me married because I I was pretty
much a pain in the air for them.And they were like, we're going
(03:55):
to look and if you like, then we'll see.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you keep looking, you keep looking.
And my intention was to not agree because I wanted to move
to Bombay and I wanted to make films.
This was my dream 2425 years ago.
But then nothing was working outmajorly.
And then my my mum's best friendat that time, who was also my
(04:19):
English teacher, he met another English professor at someone of
those teachers camps. And this lady happened to tell
her that my son, I'm looking outfor him, but he's so different
and he's so picky in his own waythat I'm not really finding the
kind of girl he wants. And my English teacher told her
(04:39):
I think I know exactly who you need.
So the mums introduced us through e-mail and we emailed
each other for about 6 months. Then we met and I don't know
when I met him I felt like I wasmeeting an old friend like who I
hadn't been in touch with for a bit.
That was literally how I felt and we had some common ground
(05:00):
that I honestly don't have with most people.
It was a rare common ground thatwe had love for mythology, for
books, certain kind of books, certain way.
We thought, you know, our thinking.
Of course, I was very young then, so was he.
Now I like to believe I've evolved.
So we got married and here we are 24 years later.
(05:22):
Of course, mother would happen much later because I, I, my
career was going great as a filmjournalist.
At the same time, I had some infertility issues.
Not that it bothered me too much, but I decided to pause
that journey and I picked it up when I turned 40.
I'd like to experience motherhood.
You know, that's how Katha came into our lives because I was
(05:45):
like, there's no way anyone, anyanother human being is coming
out of me at this point of my life.
I'm not even going to try. So let's go down the route of
adoption. Yeah, yeah.
How? What is she like as a person?
Tell us about. He is 6 going on 16.
I feel like because I'm also into astrology, I'm an
(06:07):
astrologer. I'm a student of astrology.
Actually, I and I've seen my chart at least.
I truly believe she's a she's a great grandmother, great, great,
great, great, great grandmother reincarnated as my daughter.
Wow. Truly what I think because she's
really like that with me. She has and I've always been
(06:28):
told this child speaks way beyond her age.
Like, you know, she's emotionally intelligent way
beyond her age. And so she mothers me, I think
or other she Childs me. I don't know how to say it, but
she teaches me something every day.
She calls me out. You know, there's one person who
can call me out. It's my six year old girl.
(06:49):
Not too many people can do that.She can, she can call me.
Why are you being so shouty? Why do you have to that for that
thing? You need not have said it in
that voice. Nah, you can say it in a nicer
voice. Nah.
And I'm like, yeah, you're right.
I could have said it nicer. I'm sorry, you know, Let's try
again. Yeah, yeah.
(07:09):
So. I wouldn't feature grandmother,
daughter, boss all rolled into one with her.
And how have the conversations been with Katha?
You know, does she know that she's adopted and what what
happens in the household she's. Known from day one of her
comprehension, at a very young age, a cousin of mine gifted us
(07:32):
a book called Love Makes a Family, which has different
kinds. So Sophia, I love Sophia.
She's a great artist and she herbooks are also really beautiful.
So I used that book initially toshow here are different kind of
families, right? And initially she wouldn't
really get it as she grew older.So here's the thing, OK.
(07:56):
And I know I have, I have a beautiful community of adoptive
parents and kids around me. Strangely, the village was
presented to me, you know, and Ithink that if you had adopted,
say 25 years ago, 30 years ago, you probably went through your
whole life not meeting another set of parents who were adopted
or another kid who was adopted. So you could never see yourself
(08:16):
in somebody else. You never had somebody to share
your experience who knew what you felt.
You're from day one. I had parents who knew exactly
what I was going through. And Katha, some of her two or
three of her closest friends areactually adopted today that she
hangs out on a daily basis. It just happened.
We have not orchestrated this. So coming back to the point of
(08:40):
how do we tell her, one is that it becomes everyday
conversation. It's not like again in the
movies where you sit the child down and you say you know
nothing. From day one, she's been hearing
that, oh, you know, jab Kathako ashram say like pink Penatha.
(09:01):
So she's heard this word ashram.She's heard the word tabligh
ayathi ashram say. It's a very positive memory and
conversation in this house, right?
There is no shame. Yeah, there is no secrecy,
right. And with Katha is completely
(09:24):
invited to be absolutely open inwhatever she wants to ask.
We went from initially saying that Appay and Amma, she calls
us Appay and Amma, we are S Indians, wanted a baby.
Amma couldn't grow one in her tummies.
So she started growing you in her heart.
And then and then you were born in an ashram far away.
And then we went and got you from there.
(09:46):
And that's how we became, by thetime she was about 3 1/2, four
I. So initially she would shut down
a little bit. She would be like, I want you to
be my mum and dad from day one. Why was I alone in that ashram
for a while? So initially, so I remember
telling a couple of my other adoptive parents who are my
(10:06):
friends that I've not, I've shutthis conversation down right
now. I'm not telling her the story
because she seems very sensitiveabout it.
But we continued the normalization at home.
You know, when you came home on this day that happened, This is
what you would eat and drink there.
This is what you were wearing, that sort of thing.
But I shut down the whole fairy tale aspect of it.
(10:26):
Yeah. I believe she wanted to know one
day. One day she said, Amma, how did
I? Where was I gone and whose tummy
was I born in? I don't know.
Maybe she heard something about somebody coming out of
somebody's tummy at school or something else.
I realized this. The child is ready.
You know the thing with childrenis they ask you, they're ready.
Yeah. You know, so that day I
introduced the concept of tummy mamita.
(10:47):
I said you were born in someone else's tummy.
She couldn't take care of you. So and then Mama was anyway
growing you in her heart, right?So the ashram called us and said
here's your baby once you were born.
And then we came and got you. Now of course this is still a
very fluffy beautiful fairy taleish story and I know that as she
grows older she is going to ask the more complicated questions.
(11:12):
Our job as parents is to make sure that she feels completely
safe when she lands on those questions.
Yeah. When she lands on those
questions, she knows there's a safety net been undone.
Yeah. She knows she's loved, she's
cherished. She's and she tells me you're
my. I think every time before sleep,
(11:33):
before sleeping, I tell her thank you for choosing me to be
your mum. Thank you for choosing me as
your mum. And she's like, I didn't choose
you. I was a baby, You chose me.
And I'm like, no, when you grow,when you grow older, you'll
understand that you chose me too.
Like in our hearts, we chose each other.
I don't know how successful I'llbe, Neha, but I think what I
(11:55):
hope will happen is that she will feel extremely safe when
those uncomfortable feelings come up if they do.
Yeah. They will, of course they will,
because adoptive adopted kids already come with a very strong
sense of abandonment. Yeah.
We work through it every day. Every day we work through her
(12:17):
sense of her absolute the traumaof abandoned.
But I hope that the way we are raising her, she will have that
safety net when she lands with those uncomfortable questions.
So she has told me I want to meet my tummy mummy.
So I have, I've been honest. I said we don't really know
where your tummy mummy is, right?
Yeah, but when you grow up and if you're really curious, maybe
(12:38):
we can find out. I'm honest with her.
I give her the answer. I give a grown up.
I give her the same answer. I do not try and sugar coat it
beyond the point. Yeah, yeah.
And I do not actually know anything about the tummy mummy,
so that helps. I'm not lying, right?
Yeah. In India, that's one thing.
And you know, in America, you open adoptions because sometimes
(13:01):
you, you know everything about the parents, right?
India, you know how it is. So it helps me to be honest
because I said we don't know anything about her.
When we when you grow up, we'll see.
Yeah, yeah. And, and she says that, you
know, as of now, she says, oh, I'm special because I'm a tummy.
I'm a tummy baby and a heart baby.
(13:23):
I'm super, I'm special. I have super Bowers.
This is what she says. Beautiful and let me know if I'm
overstepping here, but is there a sense of is there a sense of
ever ever. Is there a sense of that you
can't really be too harsh with her because she's adopted or you
(13:44):
know, in your in your way of. Being.
Are you because you don't have acomparative reference?
Yes, you know sure that. I don't have a biological child
with whom I behave differently. Yeah, but but in your in your
head or heart, it does it ever occur to you that I should, you
(14:04):
know, I should, I'm walking on egg shells with her or something
of that? So I, I want to be very clear
here, I'm not a gentle parent. I know that's a very intentive.
I'm a whatever works parent. Yeah, whatever works in that
moment parent, OK. And I'm definitely not here to
spare her feelings, especially if she's wrong or behaving.
You know, I like any mum. Any mum.
(14:28):
I've also struggled with her growing up.
Tantrums, meltdowns, all these things.
I've had the same struggles as the next person and I remember
seeing something this parenting expert and I really try and
steer clear of those parenting expert videos but they find me
anyway on Instagram. But one really spoke to me was
she said all feelings are acceptable or feelings are all
(14:52):
feelings are welcome, all behaviours are not.
I think that's too far. Adults too.
You can apply this to adults too, right?
All your feelings are valid, butnot the way you're behaving,
right? And with Katha, I think right
now, and I'm that first month, it was that first month.
After that, I'm her mother. That's it.
(15:15):
Let's remove any prefixes or suffixes.
I am her mother and I'm a very Indian mother.
You know why? Because I told you so.
I'm OK saying that, Neha. Yeah.
Why? Because I told you so.
I am your mother, you know, I ama whatever works parent.
(15:40):
And I'm also a perimenopausal parent, 48 years old, you know,
so I I do have a bit of mom rage.
I'm going to be very honest about it.
Yeah. I I think that when you have a
child, no matter how you have the child, right, Biology are
adopted, you come to face with yourself in a way that you never
(16:06):
have before. Yeah, I'm sure you know this,
right? Yes.
You learn the ugliest, the spikiest, the most unhealed
parts of you come knocking. Yes.
And I want to say this to anybody who's watching this
podcast, if you are a mum in this world, OK, go to therapy.
(16:30):
Every mum needs to go to therapybecause we are navigating a
world that never existed before.Yes, kind of consumerism that we
deal with today. Screen time, return gift
culture, birthday party culture,school culture.
You know, we don't know how to parent these kids because we've
(16:54):
never had a press. And I say this, this particular
generation is like that. Yeah, see.
We this world has not existed inthis form even five years ago,
Right. So no, I don't walk around egg
shells with her because I don't want a child who does not know
what it is like to go out into the world.
(17:16):
Yeah, I feel like, and I can only speak for what I observe.
It's not a judgement. There is a certain level of
micro parenting that's happeningtoday.
There's a certain level. And yes, the world is such
today. We have to protect our kids.
I remember by the time I was seven or eight, I grew up in a
small town. I was walking even at twilight
to my friend's house on my own, unaccompanied.
If I needed to get a book, summer vacations, I would leave
(17:39):
the house in the morning, come back at night and come back
hungry and dirty. And my mum would see me then,
right? She didn't worry about where I
was. But that was a very different
world. And I know today we wouldn't let
our kids cross the road alone, yeah, even to the next building
alone, right. If mums hesitate to even drop
off their kids alone for a, for clear AIDS, yes.
(18:00):
And I think that while the worldis like that and it that's why
we have become like that. There is a certain level of
micro parenting and overprotectiveness that we have
brought into our parenting today.
We have raised It's very likely these kids are going to grow up
without any problem solving abilities.
(18:21):
They have to crumble at the mostminor of inconveniences because
they don't know what. Inconveniences are yeah, and we
are solving their problems for them even before the problems
come. Exactly.
We, we are solving their problems for them.
We are not letting them experience life as it should be
experienced. We are so protected they they
have. They are only going in cars,
(18:41):
they don't know what it is like to walk, even walk a small
distance. I'm talking about city kids and
I I'm sure there are mums who will watch this episode who'll
say that's not how my child is. I I like I said, I'm talking
about my observation. OK, pretty kids today, the
average 5-6 year old no problem solving abilities absolutely and
will crumble at the most minor of inconveniences because they
do not know what an inconvenience is to begin with.
(19:04):
Everything is done for them. So I feel somewhere and it's
very interesting that we're recording the podcast at this
time because I've been talking to my friends for the last two
weeks for the parenting crisis that I feel like I'm in, you
know, where I just feel like what is going on?
Like how are we raising our kids?
I really think we have to re evaluate that often, if not all
(19:24):
the time in the current world because we don't even know like
AI, are there going to be jobs 20 years later?
What are we training our kids for?
What is the education for? We don't know that this problem
wasn't there 20 years ago. Yeah.
You know what you were training your kid for?
Yeah. That if your child studied this,
this, this, they could become this, this, this.
(19:46):
Our kids. No clue.
Yeah. No clue, right?
We don't know if you're sending them off into a zombie
apocalypse in 20 years, because that's quite possible.
That is probably what they're going into, right?
Sorry, I became very dark suddenly to answer your
question. No walking around actions.
All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not I am your
(20:08):
mother and you know yes. Am I scared that when she turns
into a Moody teenager, she turned on and say, oh, you
didn't you're not getting me themy iPhone because you're not my
biological mother. So be it Sorry, I'm not your
biological mother. I'm your adopted mother.
I am your mother. The word mother stills there in
the. Yeah.
It's still there. Deal with it, right?
(20:31):
Because I don't believe in pussyfooting around kids.
Because every child comes with their own set of capabilities
and what they can't do immediately, their own landscape
of emotional intelligence. And it's my job as a mother to
(20:51):
recognize exactly what she's capable of in both these
contexts, right? Are not overprotective.
Yeah, with adopted kids anyway. There's no over protection.
You know, I am. Especially if you operate the
way I do. And I, some of my friends do who
have adopted kids. We are open from day one.
Can of worms or the Pandora's box has been open since day one.
(21:14):
Now up now what to work on egg shells.
Yeah. That's true.
The. Biggest thing that has to be
addressed with them is being addressed every single day
without shame, without secrecy, without guilt.
Why would I walk around eggshells over small?
I'm not going to sweat the smallshit then.
Yeah, absolutely not true. And I want to talk about
(21:38):
something you said earlier aboutyour village being handed to
you, you know, tell us about that.
Tell us about who your village is and how did you find it.
I'm. Absolutely blessed.
I, I grew, I grew up, I live in a, I would say a slightly
greener area of Bombay than you would expect.
(21:58):
There are 6 parks in the vicinity.
Kata's just grown up in these parks, especially one for some
reason, I found the mums and thekids that absolutely have each
other's back. That is one side OK.
The other side is just when I was registering for adoption, a
friend's friend was also doing the same.
(22:20):
So we connected. We knew each other from a very
long and our adoption journeys were very close and very
similar. At the same time, I joined this
Facebook group called for Heart Babies.
So we had and this is the village that I talk about.
This is important. The ashram that we got Katta
(22:41):
from wanted us to go to a government hospital and do our
tests. They probably didn't want us to
fake the test with a private doctor.
I get it. But.
Government hospital means it would have taken US 20 days to
get the test results. Yeah, but even do all that was
an entire. Yeah, gamut of.
Gamut. I was like, please let me go to
my GP. Going to forever.
(23:02):
No, we need it from a governmenthospital and I'm thinking if I
could get to know someone at a government hospital, we'll do
all the tests, which is someone who could have accelerated
because we want to go pick up a baby.
Yes right didn't know anybody nobody in my immediate circle,
nobody in my not immediate circle loads.
(23:23):
But I joined that heart babies group in desperation.
I said we have a referral has come, but this is what they
expect from us. Is there anyone who can help?
And there was a stranger who appeared out of nowhere.
She she also hadn't got no referral yet.
She was also a waiting parent. She DM D me saying I actually
(23:44):
know the Dean of so and so hospital call me this person
that I didn't know from Adam made the process easier for me
and we were on a flight 3 days later to get our baby where it
would have taken US 20 days. Wow.
The village does appear when youwant, right?
So we have friends today. Her child is also like, you
(24:05):
know, she's one year younger than Katha.
So I don't know how this has happened, Neha.
It's just even for Qatar, her point of reference for adoption
is not difficult at all because there are two kids who come and
play with the one child who comes almost every day to play
another one who's in school withher.
Both of them are adopt and theirparents have the very similar
(24:25):
approaches when it comes to talking about adoption.
There's no shame, there's no secrecy, right?
I don't know. I when you asked me to talk,
talk about this village, I have goose flesh because when I was
growing up and I heard about theone of adopted child, I only
heard a negative story that theyfelt that they feel really
alienated. They don't feel connected.
(24:47):
They, you know, they have all sorts of psychological issues.
And I never heard a positive adoption story, to be honest,
till I adopted one myself. And I have to say that this is
how the universe conspires, right?
Truly, this is how the universe conspires.
The village does appear if you truly, truly want to have that
(25:13):
village. Wow wow, I am having goosebumps
as you are speaking about it. And tell us, Sukanya, were there
any myths or misconceptions in your head about adoption and
about raising an adoptive baby that got busted right after you
got Katha? No, I, I didn't read any books
(25:35):
or anything. Why talk about adoption?
I what about the myths of parenting?
Like, you know, I see all these IG reads and I'm laughing and
I'm actually laughing at myself because it's like, oh, I won't
let my child have screen time. I won't let my child eat tips
and you're like, wait until you get a child, a child screaming.
You're like yo-yo yo take the packet of chips.
(25:55):
Just leave me alone for 5 minutes, right?
Never say never. With parenting, each day is a
new story. With adoption, it was a concern.
Not like it kept me up at night,but our people would react.
Again, I have to say starting from my family.
In fact, it was my grandmother who said why don't you adopt?
(26:17):
My grandma is 85 year 86 years old.
Suppose when she was 80 she toldme why don't you adopt?
Came eight-year old grandma right?
Starting from my family, the reactions have been only
positive, right? If there were some negative
reactions, they will always be No no, AI didn't hear them too
(26:41):
much. It's A1 or 2P a lot of times.
What comes across as wrong or Q?What do you call it?
What is the word inquisitive or is actually coming from a place
of not knowing? Yes.
(27:01):
And not having the education, Yeah, about adoption, not having
enough information or saying I get this all the time.
Oh my God, you did such a noble thing.
Yeah. Oh my God, you are such a good
human being. You did such an amazing thing by
adopting a child. It's not charity.
(27:21):
It's not charity. I am not a noble person.
I'm a selfish person. In fact, I wanted I wanted a
family. I wanted to experience
motherhood right. Some people might see this as a
shortcut. Yeah.
You know, and it took me some time as I grew in my journey as
a mother to not be affronted by it, to actually handle it with a
(27:46):
laugh and say, I know I went to somebody and I they wanted to
see her photograph and I showed her and they said, Oh my God,
she's so cute. From where did you source for?
I was like, I thought that thesethese are not organic farm grown
mangoes, that you've sought somestuff, living, breathing human
(28:11):
being, right? So it took me a while to
understand that not everything is intended negatively.
It really comes from a place of not knowing of unfamiliarity to
this kind of a situation. So myths, I would say maybe
(28:32):
people or because of my experiences when I was growing
up of whatever few adopted kids I knew, I was one worried that
there would be a lot of negativity around them.
I did read one book, I'm not going to name it here because in
case there's a parent and waiting and they read the book
and they get something positive about out of it, so be it.
So I will not name it. I did read a very respected,
(28:54):
very old, it's quite a old book,like it's what 2025 or maybe
even older book on adoption, which was recommended
everywhere. Any adoption side to go, they
recommend that book. I picked up the book.
I started reading it, 60 pages and I said I'm done because that
only said your child will not love you.
That abandoned abandonment trauma is going to come in the
(29:16):
way. They are going to never forgive
you for taking them away from their birthday depending on the
situation. It was an American author, blah
blah blah. And I said, you know what, I'm
fine. I don't need to read these books
anymore. I will deal with it with your
instinct, The same instinct I would have used had I been a
biological parent, I will use for my child because I have
(29:39):
that. I'm a mother now, right?
That instinct was there in me. So didn't read any of those
books to be honest. And if anything, I would like to
write a children's book on adoption.
Oh yeah, that will be so. That dispels the myths and
misconceptions about adoption, but through a child's lens.
When I use. Getting started.
(30:00):
Well, I'm a writer, so I'm always started.
It is in the works, you know, projects in the pipeline, but I
don't know when I'm going to actually get down to it and do
it. It's it will happen very soon.
We look forward to it. And tell me, tell me about, you
know, Venkat and you, how your relationship has evolved over
(30:21):
the years, especially once parenting entered the mix, how
you said that you know, you havethe same philosophy when it
comes to parenting. So tell us about that.
Tell us about how your relationship has evolved.
So we are like I told you before, we are best friends.
Like even if we fight, we have literally made-up in the next
(30:43):
second because we can't be sulkywith each other.
It's too much. We just want to be silly again.
We want to say crack some silly joke.
That's how we operate. I'm actually jealous of Venkat
because the bond he has with Katha is mistakeably something
else. Like unmistakably as an
(31:06):
astrologer, I can say a past life connection.
They I'm the third wheel when they are out, of course he gets
the good bits. I get the spiky bits of
parenting. He goes to work and work from
home. I am the good bad cop.
He's the good cop, so he gets the good bits.
He's the party friend. I am the not, not exactly the
(31:27):
party friend. Let's get the assignments done
friend. You know what I mean?
So yes, his job may seem easier.I get the spiky bits, but even
then I think that they're they have a bond that I'm not jealous
of the bond. I'm jealous of him.
So I'm like, I'm supposed to be the mother, you know, miracle
(31:48):
humanity flowing through me or whatever.
What happened? Like, how are you doing this so
much with so much, so much more ease than I do Sometimes he
handles with so much more ease. You could also be that I'm
handling the whole deal and he handles her for obviously way
less time than I do, so it's easier maybe, But even then it's
very clear. That very evident.
(32:10):
How has our relationship changed?
I think we've learned how to work as a team.
When it comes to her, we are a team.
We'll squabble because we have now become uncle and auntie on
the side, right? But then it comes to Katya.
We are on the same team and she cannot try and manipulate one
against the other that he's a puddle when it comes to her
(32:33):
otherwise. But when she goes to him saying
but Amma said this but can you? No, no Amma said it.
That means it's that is what it is right?
Because I what Amma says, I'm inagreement.
Yeah. So we are pretty much OK so far
with how we parent her and what it's done to our relationship.
(32:55):
So far we are good. Yeah.
No broken bones anywhere. Not that we can see.
Not that we can see. Yeah, and you've often described
parenting as magical, madding, challenging and fulfilling all
at once. Could you share some moments or
a story maybe, or an instance that really illustrates this
(33:18):
mix? If she sees this podcast 15
years later, she's going to killme.
But I remember madding when I truly didn't know what to do was
we were travelling in the car back from school and she had
three. I gave her a snack box and it
had up 3-4 biscuits and I I generally because I wanted to
(33:38):
see if she'd share. So I said, can I have one?
She looked at me with utmost suspension.
She said OK, she was 3, she was 3.
And I cooked the biscuit and I ate it because I was also a
little peckish, I think. And once I ate the biscuit, I
can still hear the tent. I can still hear the rage.
I want the biscuit back, I said.But I've eaten it.
(34:01):
No, I want the biscuit back. Give it back to me.
I said. How can I get the biscuit back
to you? I've already eaten it.
No, you do tea and you give the biscuit back to me.
And she has meltdowned for 45 minutes.
Wow. And I'm like, I'll give you a
whole new packet of biscuits, but I cannot give you the
(34:21):
biscuit. You by the way, generously
offered me and now is in my tummy.
So that was 1. I don't know if I'm meeting your
requirements, but absolutely same thing happened, which she
was obsessed with flushing. So we were also encouraging our
independent CEO by mistake muscle memory.
She was on the party seat. I flushed, bring it back.
(34:47):
I said, how can I bring it back?It's gone.
No, bring it. You do you bring it back.
Sorry I don't have TMI person. So you know when they you know
what this you know, you know Thething is this OK, and I'm going
to sum it up also. We were at some very
philosophical moments recently. She is very so she loves
(35:08):
Krishna. We're not a very religious
household. My husband's a complete non
believer. I'm what I am and I but she
loves the story of Krishna also because he's also kind of a
foster child and you know, he lived with his parents and he
went and lived with his adopted or adoptive or foster parents.
She loves it and she's obsessed with all Krishna stories.
(35:28):
And one day she asked me, am I? Why are all gods male boys?
She didn't use the word male. She said, boys, why aren't there
any female gods, girl gods? I said of course there are girl
gods. So I named her.
I said but it might feel like there are more girl gods, boy
gods than girl gods. That's not true.
I said do you know that the ultimate God, the one who gave
(35:50):
birth to even the gods, is a girl Shakti?
Like baby, all gods come from her.
So I told her this whole thing and then one day 2 days have
passed and she's come back and she wants to know.
Amma, you told me that there's agirl God who's like the first
God or whatever. What color is she?
What color would she be? Is she like Krishna?
(36:12):
I said. You know what?
You're actually right. Right.
Yeah. You know, so she has these very
philosophical questions with me.There was a time when she was
very obsessed with that. So she would be like I said, you
know, people go to the sky and they become stars when they die.
Because my grandfather died, what, two years ago.
So I had to explain it to her. So two days back, two days
(36:34):
later, again, you know, she's thought about it, she's pondered
over it. She comes back and she says when
we go to the sky, will we know we are going to the sky?
And what if we don't like it there?
You know, yeah, I also want to know.
Yeah, exactly. I'm like let you know.
I would love to know too. So, you know, I want to sum it
up saying that you know they sayterrible twos, right?
(36:56):
Terrible twos has got the bad rap.
And then what happens when they turn 3?
It's just a 2 year old with job experience.
Not original. Got it from a meme.
This is a 2. What's a three-year old?
What's a four year old again? A three-year old with more job
experience. It's not ending.
Yeah, right. It's only the tools get a wrap.
(37:20):
I think that's that's that's themyth.
Not just about adoption, about parenting.
The myth is the terrible tools. Yeah, it's every, it's every
age, I think literally, you know.
Yeah, and, and tell us about yourself.
Where are you right now in your journey balancing being a
(37:42):
storyteller, partner or parent? What does your day-to-day look
like? What does your day-to-day life
is? Looking like we wake up really
early now because that has school starts at 8:00 so we get
up at 6. I wake her up a little later,
she's on the bus by 7:20. Wow.
I the day runs itself. We are a regular household, you
(38:05):
know, we have people who come and cook and clean.
Thankfully, some days I do it, Venkat goes off to work and then
I get into my astrology. So as much as I do practice it
in my own way along with my Taro, I will always be a student
of astrology. So my entire day goes and
revisiting my classes. I'm doing some advanced classes
(38:25):
now. My entire day goes in astrology.
This is my world. That's it.
It's either Katha and her life and her school and her play
dates, or it's the strategy, or it's both happening at the same
time somehow. I'm not a good balance on here.
I don't know how to. I'm not one of those super moms.
(38:46):
I'm not one of those super people who know how to balance.
Some area of my life is always suffering because somehow I have
these two main priorities, Right.
And I must say, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year.
It's first time I'm saying it out loud.
(39:07):
Wow. Yeah.
ADHD. And, you know, at the age of 48,
ADHD is now nicely marinated in perimenopause.
So even trying to get a balance in life, it's hopeless.
You just you just go with the flow, clutch at whatever
beautiful straws you get, and you keep flowing.
That's it, you know, so, but yeah, the day is pretty much
(39:27):
chill for us. Astrology is my world, Katha is
my world and my husband is my world.
So it works out fine I think in the at the end of the day.
Yeah, yeah. And.
When I say I'm a student of astrology, I also want to say
I'm a student of motherhood. No one comes into motherhood
fully ready. Yes, somebody knows what's going
(39:49):
on. You know, those mothers, mommy
bloggers, mommy influencers looklike they've got the shit
together. I can tell no one knows what the
hell is going on, I can assure you.
And you have to be a student at every point.
You have to say, I wake up today, I'm as old as my child.
It comes to being a parent, right?
You're not your biological age. You are only as old as your
(40:13):
child. So I'm a student right now in
every way. Yeah, yeah.
I'm so glad you said that because my next question is
about that, that, you know, you said you're as old as your
child. So in that sense, you're also
kind of rediscovering yourself. You're kind of because
motherhood is not just a part ofyou, it's part, it's a very
(40:36):
critical part of your identity now.
And and, you know, I want to know, has motherhood kind of
change the way you approach yourcreative work?
Do you find Katha seeping into your stories?
Like literally, directly, or indirectly?
(40:57):
Like I said, I wrote fantasy books for adults, and now what
did I say? I want to write a children's
book, right? Yeah.
There's no way motherhood does not reshape you.
And while I haven't written a word in many, many years, as
long as Katta came home, you know what what activated when
Katta came home. And if you see my chart now
(41:18):
anybody who knows astrology whenthey see the chart, when they
see my birth chart, they will know she had she brought
astrology into my life in the way if I was looking at it
before also, but the real activation that happens.
No, no, this is it. I found my purpose in life that
year. I found my found two purposes,
(41:41):
both the child and the modality child and this magical science
we call astrology. So we are tarot reader for 15
minutes. And now I know that any, any
story I write, whether it's for adults or kids, I will also
write it as a mother, no matter what the topic is.
(42:06):
And because I'm very lazy, I like to blame it on her.
I like to say, oh, I was my mother.
I've not written another book. It's been 6 years.
I should really be, but no, it'snot her.
It's me. Just my creative process.
It's a it's the way the wires are crisscrossed.
Sometimes also with being so immersed in astrology, being an
(42:28):
immersed in astrology is like being immersed is like taking a
deep dive into the ocean, right?You know what you're going to
find. You don't know when you'll come
up. You're going to come up.
Yeah. So I'm OK.
I'm OK staying in that deep dive.
Yeah, sounds beautiful. And do you find in the middle of
(42:48):
it all, do you find time for yourself?
What does me time look for you? Thank you for asking this
because we are a generation grewup only seeing our mum's tired.
Yes. Overworked, yes.
Burdened with household responsibilities.
But today they'll all laugh and say no.
(43:09):
We love doing it. Of course.
We love doing it all. I love that my child can see me
rest. I've built my life like that.
Yeah. Right.
I like that my child sees that Iam not a headless chicken from
morning to night. I It's a deliberate act of
(43:33):
rebellion on my part. Yeah.
I want to be very clear about this.
Right. It's breaking a generational
curse, trauma, generational, whatever you want to pattern in
a way. Yeah.
I want her to see a mum whose cup is full.
Yeah. How beautiful, how I.
(43:54):
Want her to see you because thatis what she will embody.
Yeah. Without guilt, you know, with
you, you don't have to earn yourrest.
There are days when I do nothing.
She's at school. I'm reading, I'm watching my
videos. I Potter around.
I sketch a little bit. I talk to my friends.
(44:14):
What did I do Through the day would look like nothing to
somebody else because I didn't really cook or clean or do
anything that women are expectedto do during the day.
Right? And maybe this sounds very
privileged, but I want to say even that privilege is an act of
rebellion. Yeah.
Because I allow myself that privilege.
(44:35):
Yes, I know. I know people who I know of
people who have the same kind ofprivileges, but they wear their
stress as a badge. Yeah.
You know, and I I want to break that generational pattern.
Yeah. I don't want my child to see a
(44:57):
tired mother. Yeah, I want her to see a mother
who's resting, doing the things she loves in front of her.
Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. And tell me about friendships.
You know, friendships and socialcircles often shift, I would
say, after parenthood. Has that happened with you?
(45:17):
Yes, I remember when I said lifewas not balanced right and I
don't know how to do it. I'm hopeless at it.
I clearly suck at it on some other level.
You know, they especially in bigcities, I think in Bombay, they
say, oh, you know, these mommy groups are very scary.
Drop your kids, all these mums. They're very scary.
And it's very clicky and it's very, there's a lot of politics
(45:38):
between mums and schools. And I went in with that, that in
the back of my mind when I enrolled them.
And I want to say that I met some amazing women through these
who are also mums. OK, Again, the myths not clearly
(45:58):
about adoption, about women in general, right?
And I'm so grateful. And I did not.
It was about Qatar school and her social life and her
educational journey. I did not set out to find a
social component to her school. It just happened.
(46:19):
I think I found a village again.It's the game village on some
amazing women writers, entrepreneurs, documentary film
makers, stay at home mums, artists.
We all come together, we parent together.
It's beautiful. I have some very, very ancient
friendships because I'm like that.
(46:40):
My friendships tend to last despite me.
They last, if I can say so. And I think I try my best to
balance because they are, they may not be mums, some of them
are, some of them are not. They are very similar people.
Again, they are creative people,kind people, amazing women, but
(47:03):
doing amazing things. And I'd like to believe that all
these friendships are for life and I don't want to segregate
them as my mum friends and my non mum friends.
Sometimes I do it for convenience, so people know who,
where I'm going, who I'm meetingwith my head.
Yeah. So become a friend to me,
doesn't matter. I don't have that segregation.
But I am not very good at balancing my social life.
(47:28):
Also because I have ADHD and certain amount of social anxiety
and I, I have massive social burnout.
So yeah, I'll show up. Like even after this, I'll need
an app, to be honest. Like I'll show up, I'll, I'll be
good. But then it takes me to two
business days to recover. Yeah, trust me when I say I
(47:49):
don't have more than one recording on every couple of
days. So it's it's just gets very
tiring for me. I'll be very talked out after
this. Yes.
For all the right reasons. Yeah.
And I won't. And so I have massive social
burnout, a little bit of social anxiety.
I don't do well in Raj Roops, really.
(48:11):
I think any friend that comes into my life accepts this about
me. They love it.
They they they work with it. No, they don't love it.
They work with it. They work with it.
You know, the level of acceptance that I get is
amazing. So again, blessed, I would say.
Yeah, you know what? But yeah, balance is something
(48:32):
that motherhood for me, the mostchallenging aspect of me balance
different aspects of my life. Yeah, yeah.
And again, because you talk about challenge, I want to segue
into overwhelm, the parenting overwhelm, how it how it comes
over us sometimes. And could you share a moment
(48:54):
when you felt particularly challenged and how you find your
how you found your way through it?
I'll tell you how. I don't know about a particular
moment, but I feel very touched out also because of my
neurodivergence. I feel, you know in the whole
day the child is at home and shewants to hug you and children
want to sit really close to you at this age.
(49:15):
Yeah. Right.
Even if you tell them you play on your own, they want to come
and sleep so truly. And it's enduring.
And I know mothers of older kidskeep saying enjoy, this will not
come back soon. They'll be sulky senior
teenagers, you know, shut up in their room, barely exchanging a
word with you. But I feel very touched.
And I think this is a very common mum problem touched out
(49:38):
my ears start hurting after a while.
Amma, amma. Like if I had a penny for each
time, coin for each time she says Amma by the time it's 9:00
AM in the morning, you know, or she could have a drinking game
and I'd be a drunk. I'll be an absolute drunk girl.
So I think that mom overwhelmed for me is also because it
coincides you to remember I'm anolder parent.
And again, I want to say I'm so glad that I have parents who are
(50:02):
of similar ages around me. Otherwise, most, most of the
time when you are mother of a six year old, chance that you're
only going to meet young 30 yearolds or 20 year olds.
Yeah, late 20s, early 30s somehow, maybe because of the
adoption angle also also, that'salso great, right?
Women exploring motherhood at the age that they feel ready.
(50:22):
Yeah, there are women who are inand around my age today and we
all have the same problem, whichis penny menopause, right.
And brain fog. Now make bring mom overwhelm mom
brain into that mix. This is what you get.
How many times did we rescheduleright and today that's it.
That's what that's how the Momo world works.
(50:44):
I have committed to you for today and I have beautifully
picked a day when my staff is absent and I knew they would be.
I have advanced notice that today is was yesterday was with
surgeon. I know they're not going to show
up. It does not register in my mom
brain, right? Yeah, I need an assistant.
Clearly someone. I'll apply.
(51:09):
Oh, I don't know if I'm very I. Cannot do another mum or someone
around my age for my general need a young.
Person. What a what a what a nice way of
rejecting me. Sukanya, you're rejecting me so
nicely. No, no, I will welcome you into
my club as a as a no. I don't know if we
(51:30):
perimenopausal, but as a mom whogets what I'm saying, but I
can't have you as an assistant. We will be doomed.
I'm already doomed. OK, tell me on the flip side,
what's one small moment, perhapssomething very, very ordinary
that has left a deep impact on you as a parent?
You know, these are the questions that my, my, I just
(51:51):
feel like I'm really on the spot, you know, I, I feel like
with Katha, what I really noticed with her is how she
brings my focus back into the things that absolutely escape my
focus as an adult. So I remember it was COVID and
(52:13):
we had gone to my parents place for a couple of months and this
one year old child saw a butterfly for the first time in
her life because we took a walk Kerala.
So we took a walk outside, there's a lot of trees and
greenery. And she saw a butterfly for the
first time and the wonder in hereyes.
(52:35):
And then I realized that I had not for myself registered really
being wonder struck with joy about a butterfly in a really
long time. Right.
Yeah. As adults, we forget.
(52:55):
Yeah. So I very cleverly used my child
to bring wonder back into my life.
How beautiful. And that is in the everyday
things, right? Like because she draws something
and shows it to me saying I do this for you today.
And I realize, hey, I don't notice such things anymore,
right? And she's drawing.
She's picking up. Yeah.
(53:15):
Or I love that I'm back in the world of children's books.
I get to read to her every day. Like, I love it.
I love that I'm back in that world.
Yeah. So I think I don't know about 1
moment. Yeah, but.
This. It's a sum of all these Yeah,
(53:36):
together, right. The butterfly stood out for me.
I remember thinking that becausefrom the age of 6 months to one
year she was inside the house locked down and then we somehow
took a flight to Kerala and the first walk we took we saw
butterfly. Still remember it was a white
butterfly. Wow, she's supposed to say
(53:56):
apatah at that point? She did not say butterfly, she'd
say apatah apatah apatah. Like I don't remember the last
time I stopped and looked at a butterfly and felt wonder stuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I this, this, this, you
know, tells me, I mean, this makes me curious about future
(54:18):
looking ahead. You said, you know, you
mentioned earlier that if Katha watches this podcast, say 15
years from now, she'll she'll beso angry about it.
But but what is something you hope Katha carries with her from
the way you and Venkata are raising you?
Raising her? Raising us Also, you're not
(54:38):
wrong. Yeah, raising yourself also.
Yeah. And what is what is something
that you hope she carries with her 15 years from now?
20 years from now. You mean specifically about
adoption? Or no, no, no, no about.
About the baby razor. Yes, yes.
Being kind comes first, I think this year and last year, this
(55:01):
year, she was in a space to understand it better.
When I started last year, I toldher you must watch out for the
new kids in your class. You see, Katta herself is not
the most extroverted child you'll find.
Initially. She takes time to open up.
Yeah, she's shy. But since now you've been in
that school for three years, yougot the new kid, you know, make
(55:23):
sure that you talk to them. And this is something I'm going
to tell her every year, I think.Kindness about all else.
Yeah. Kindness and I'm trying to find
something to laugh about everyday.
Yeah, something be silly. We are very silly as a couple.
Also, we tend to be quite silly.Yeah.
(55:45):
They're the stupidest jokes thatnobody else will get.
And you know, we laugh. And some of those books are 24
years old. But is she in on those jokes
now? She's.
Slowly getting in. Now she's she's, she's slowly
getting in. She's funny herself.
So she has she's and now if you ask me, put me on the spot, I
will not remember. But she has said a couple of
(56:06):
really funny things. And I think what she will take
away is learn. Learn like don't forget to be
silly. Don't forget to be Don't forget
to laugh about something every day in a good way and be kind.
Yeah. Yeah, and if you were to sit
across from your pre parent self, before Katha, before all
of it, what is there a piece of advice you would want to give to
(56:30):
her? Good advice but I tell her that
see the pre parent Katha is alsosorry pre Katha Sukanya is also
the woman who kept wondering if she should be a mum.
Oh. Right where the motherhood was
for. So I tell her, you're doing all
(56:50):
right. You're doing all right, you're
doing OK, right? Because when I took the decision
to that I wanted a child, it wasn't about, And I say this to
anybody who's a little ambivalent about having kids.
I say, don't ask yourself, do I want to be pregnant?
(57:12):
Women, Women mainly ask yourself, do I want to
experience motherhood? Because there are myriad ways in
which you can experience motherhood.
Yes. Just one.
There's not just one way, right?So many ways in which you can
experience motherhood. So many.
It's not do I want to get, do I want to go to the gynecologist
(57:34):
and try another time? No, that's not the answer.
That's not the question or the answer.
The question is really need to ask yourself is do I want to be
a mother? Right, because that kind of
transcends the obstacles on you in your way.
No, I wish I had heard this fiveyears back was sometime earlier,
(57:56):
because then that would have, you know, I don't know, things
happen when they have to happen,I guess.
But but it's just that I never thought of it this way.
I always thought that, oh, I don't want to bring a child out
in this world through my tummy, you know, things like that.
So it was always like that for me.
(58:18):
I mean, ultimately I got pregnant and I got a child out
of my tummy because I got over that thing.
Yes, whatever. But I never thought of it this
way. It is just such a beautiful way
of looking at motherhood that Doyou want to because.
No, I'll tell you why, Neha. Because as around the world,
especially in India maybe, but also around the world, women are
(58:41):
not really given the choice. Yeah, we are extremely lucky
people, privilege people that weget to choose whether we want to
be mothers or not. Most of the time it just
happens. Trust into it.
Yeah. Just into that role, right?
My mum became a mum when she was21.
Yeah, 21. I didn't know my ass for my
elbow, man. Like being a mum, Unimaginable
(59:02):
for me. Yeah.
So I I think that that is also, you know, having that choice,
we've got to use it. Well, yeah.
Or everybody gets to choose. Or everybody get gets to choose.
Yeah. Nice.
And now we are coming to an end.So I have one final question for
(59:25):
you. If you had to share one piece of
wisdom or insight with our listeners that kind of
encapsulates who you are and what you stand for as a parent
and as well as as a storyteller,what would that be?
Stuff fun because so many so many things and you know, I I
(59:45):
think the one thing that I want to tell people as a human being,
you know, let's just not tell her not a mother is never stop
learning. Don't think you're this is my
child and she's younger in age to me.
I brought her into this world orwhatever.
So I'm always going to have the role of the teacher.
(01:00:10):
Children teach you so much. Not always in an easy way that
like I told you, therapy happened.
I had to literally run to therapy because I suddenly first
faced with all these parts of myself that I had not rest
right. And I want I don't want that
person to be who she sees all the time.
(01:00:31):
It's a it's a it's tough. It's tough.
I am not a perfect parent. So I think my only one of the
key bits of advice for anybody in any whatever whatever stage
of life you are in, be open to learning.
Yeah. Be open to learning, be open to
discovering, because what you think is a particular belief
(01:00:54):
system today may not exist in your life tomorrow.
Yeah. Can change and evolve.
Yeah. Be a student.
Be a student of life. Beautiful.
So nice Sukanya, this has been such a rich and heartwarming
conversation. Thank you, I enjoyed talking to
(01:01:15):
you. Thank you for letting us into
your world, and thank you for being a part of this part
writing. Day.
And to our listeners, I hope you're taking away as much
warmth and reflection from this episode as I am.
If you enjoyed this conversation, please do
subscribe, share Parenthood withother parents in your circle,
(01:01:35):
and leave us a review. It helps more parents find these
stories and feel a little less alone.
Until next time, this is Neha signing off from Parenthood.
See you next week. Bye bye.
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