May 16, 2025 • 27 mins
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The emotional toll of caring for a loved one with dementia can be overwhelming, but finding moments of joy, laughter, and connection might just save your sanity. Author Brenda Prater-Sellers joins us to share her deeply personal journey of caring for her mother through ten years of dementia - a challenge she describes as more difficult than climbing Mount Everest or jumping from planes.
With disarming honesty and warmth, Brenda reveals how her "sweet, timid Christian mother" underwent dramatic personality changes, and the strategies that helped her navigate this challenging terrain. Rather than constantly correcting her mother (which often led to agitation), Brenda learned to enter her mother's reality, discovering five specific approaches that brought comfort: scenic drives, ice cream treats, story reading, classic TV shows, and receiving mail.
The conversation takes a practical turn as Brenda shares crucial time management strategies that allowed her to balance caregiving with running multiple businesses and maintaining her own mental health. "If you don't schedule time for yourself, your day is going to be gone before you know it," she advises fellow caregivers. Her ingenious approach of asking her mother for help with simple tasks rather than telling her what to do resonates with caregiving experts everywhere.
Perhaps most powerfully, Brenda discusses choosing laughter over tears when facing difficult behaviors. "I just had to laugh. Otherwise, you're so sad that this happened." This philosophy not only preserved her wellbeing but created unexpected moments of connection with her mother.
Brenda's experiences formed the foundation of her book "You Slept When? Calamities of a Clumsy Businesswoman," which has raised over $50,000 for Alzheimer's Tennessee and other nonprofits. Whether you're currently caring for someone with dementia or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers both practical strategies and emotional comfort for the journey ahead.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, so we'll go ahead and get started.
So this morning, right here onPatty's Place, we are welcoming
Brenda Prater-Sellers.
She is an entrepreneur,philanthropist of the year,
businesswoman, and she's also anauthor Author of a book called
you Slept when Calamities of aClumsy Businesswoman and you've
(00:22):
raised over $50,000 forAlzheimer's Tennessee, haven
House of Blount County and otherlocal nonprofits.
So welcome to Patty's Place,brenda.
Well, thank you for having me.
Yes, I'm very excited to talkwith you about it.
I thought we'd start with.
As you said, there's over 76.4million baby boomers today and
(00:46):
about 71% of the baby boomershave at least one living parent.
That are, 75% receiving carefrom family members.
So, in your experience, how doyou deal with it all?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Well, it's hard.
It's probably one of thehardest things that I've had to
do in my life.
My mother had dementia for about10 years and I've done a lot of
things.
I've climbed Mount Everest,I've jumped out of airplanes,
I'm an extreme sports enthusiast.
I've done a lot of things.
But to have to deal with theemotional stress of dealing with
(01:24):
a patient, and especially amother that has dementia, was
probably the toughest thing I'veever done.
And I said and part of that isalso in my book it's like my
sweet, timid Christian motherended up with this disease.
She just turned mean, yeah, youknow, because that's just part
(01:44):
of the disease.
And so what we did?
And we just tried to find out.
I was the middle child.
I had an older brother, youngerbrother and different siblings
deal with you, know differentthings differently.
And I would just try to laugh atMama and you know our brothers
would try to correct her andthen that would just make her.
You know that would just makeher mad.
So we just started to thinkingof whatever it took to keep mama
(02:07):
happy and I came up with likefive things in the book to make
mama happy.
And one of the things thatreally helped her was just get
in the car and drive around andthat was a piece for her and I
think it was the changing of thescenery.
But that was one way that itkept her happy.
We drive, we're going anywhereand nowhere.
(02:29):
And then eating ice cream.
She loved ice cream, so thatwas, if all else fails, would
say, okay, mama, what about someice cream?
And that would calm her.
And then how I ended upfinishing that book was that I
was writing stories.
Mama was an avid reader, so Iwas writing stories and I would
(02:52):
read those stories to her aboutwhat was going in the book and
she loved that.
So that kept her occupied andentertained.
And then TV she liked a lot ofthose old TV shows.
So that that and then the other.
The fifth thing was I got a lotof her family and friends to
(03:14):
send her cards in the envelopebecause they were like sunshine
in the mail.
She loved to go to the mailbox,she loved to open and she'd
even opened the bill.
It didn't matter just openingsomething and looking at the
card.
So that's kind of how we keptmama happy.
We tried, we did the best wecould to try to keep mama happy,
and I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
I had similar experiences with my mom because
she had dementia too, and I gotto the point where, yeah,
whatever could calm her down,make her happy.
That's what I did, you know,and I think it's hard for people
to deal with that.
It's okay to I want to say lieto them, but you're not really.
You're entering their world andit's like so what if they say
(03:57):
the sky is green?
You just go.
Okay, you know, it's great.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Yeah, well, and it was yeah because it was funny.
My brothers were, and I thinkearly on in the, when we
realized something wasn't right,mama was real shy and quiet and
she had a sudden outburst whichis totally uncharacteristic to
her.
So I knew something was wrong.
And then I think the brothersjust tried to, you know, tried
(04:22):
to correct her.
They thought they were doing ohno, the sky is green.
The sky is blue, not green.
But that just made her thatmuch, you know, that just
agitated her that much more.
And then I talk about this inthe book I had a big meeting.
Of course, you've got your ownfamily, you've got your own
family, you've got your kids,you've got to work.
And we were staying with her atnight until she went into
(04:46):
assisted living and had this bigmeeting the next day.
Oh, please, god, please, letmama sleep.
Well, she wakes up in themiddle of the night and she
comes over to me and she goeswell, now do your parents know
where you are?
And I said, well.
I said well, mama, you are myparents.
I know that now, now you bequiet and don't be waking me up
(05:06):
anymore, you know.
And then she, you know, theywant to go back to their home.
And I said well, mama, you arehome.
This is your home.
No, no, my other home.
So she kept wanting to go to herchildhood home.
I could not satisfy her.
I said, no, this is your home,no, my home on Davis Ford.
(05:26):
So it's 12 o'clock at night,it's cold.
I said, okay, let's go to yourhome.
And we just got in the car.
She's in her house coat, I'm inmy pajamas, we ride around the
loop and then get back up.
Well, here we are.
Here we are, davis Ford Road,and she got out and she went in
and went back right to bed.
Yeah, we went right to sleep,but yeah, just whatever you have
to do.
But for anybody going throughthat, if you don't take care of
(05:48):
your mental health, I would findmyself just being my.
It was so emotional, especiallywhen it was such a
characteristic change for mymother.
I was emotionally drained afterstaying with her because you're
repeating yourself over andover and over, you know, trying
to keep her calm.
It was just a very stressfultime.
(06:09):
I just tried to laugh.
That's the only way I coulddeal with it.
I just laughed and then if Ilaughed, she would see me
laughing and she'd laugh.
So it was just try to.
I just tried to keep her happy.
That's you know, because ifmama's not happy, there's nobody
happy.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
That's true and I, like I said, I kind of adopted
that mentality too and I alsofound, you know, thinking back
now, I found those moments whenI did that with her to be
present.
In that moment I'm glad I didbecause I was able to share
those things, you know, likeenter her, know, when she wasn't
up, we didn't upset her, yeah,because my mom was more on the
(06:48):
reserve side too, but, boy, shecould come out with some
outbursts and even, like youknow, family members would be
like your mom did not just saythat I'm like, yeah, she did,
you know that's, yeah, that'sthe dementia, you know, and I
know a lot of people struggle,you know, know, with that.
But I agree, it is veryemotionally draining with it.
You know any, how did youjuggle all that?
(07:08):
Because you like, went, youclimbed Mount Everest and all
kinds of stuff while dealingwith this.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yes, well, I needed a distraction and I studied time
management and, like I said, Iran several businesses.
But then I had a big to-do listof different things I wanted to
do, and I'm a photographer bytrade.
That's what the part of thestory is about too.
If I did not schedule thesethings to give me something to
(07:36):
look forward to, I think I wouldhave gone crazy too.
And I don't mean that to bedisrespectful, it was just that
everybody's brain needs to havea rest and I just found myself,
if I had something to lookforward to, I had something good
, I could get through the weekand I could do all these things.
But it gave me a peace of mind.
(07:56):
And then I had all these goals.
I did a lot of communityservice things, so I just tried
to prioritize Because I knewMama wouldn't be here.
And then later on, you know,mama didn't know if it was me or
if it was a caregiver later on,but I knew it was Mama.
I knew it was her, so I justtried to do the best I could.
(08:17):
We finally ended up putting herinto assisted living, because
where they live it was real farout in the country and during
the wintertime it was just hardto get sitters because my two
brothers and I we all worked,had jobs, had businesses, and so
it got.
So it's just hard to findsomebody that could.
Especially during thewintertime it gets snowed in,
(08:39):
and that was a whole other thing.
And she was going to a daycarecenter for that type of patient
during the day, but then atnight we would try to bring her
home, but then that gotconfusing too.
So finally, the saving gracewas is that mama found a friend
of hers, just to live, and shereally thought that friend was
(09:03):
one that she grew up with.
So mama had a friend so everyevery, because mama didn't want
to be alone.
That was her biggest thing.
She was afraid to be alone.
Uh, and my brother ended upgrowing a beard.
Well, that kind of scared herbecause she kind of like what's
he, what's that bearded man?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
doing exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
She couldn't understand well what's he doing
here and she kind of didn'trecognize him with the beard.
But as time goes on, you justdo the best you can and God love
everybody that has to see theirparents or sibling or spouse go
through that.
And see, now my husband has alittle bit of dementia and so
(09:41):
now it's deja vu.
But now I feel like, well, Iknow what to expect and now that
I'm kind of going through itagain, you just look at the
bright side.
That's all you can do and bepositive.
That was the other thing.
I just tried to be morepositive and I practiced PMA
positive mental attitude becauseif you're not positive you're
(10:01):
going to be negative, andnegative is better and so bitter
doesn't help anything.
So I just try to be positiveand then try to appreciate every
day that I did have with Mama.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, I mean it could be a struggle to be positive,
but I kind of thought about thattoo, like I just tried to
appreciate the time I had withmy mom.
You know, even though most ofthe time she didn't know, know I
was her daughter, but shethought I was this really nice
girl that came to visit her.
You know, okay, yeah, and I waslike, okay, you know, she'd ask
(10:34):
me about my mom and I'd tellher about herself.
You know, um, yeah, yeah.
So you know, we always tellcaregivers it's important that
they take care of themselves.
What kind of tips can you givethem so that they realize?
Because there's always thatguilt, like you know you should
take care of yourself, but thenyou feel guilty that you're not.
Like, what can you do to help?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Well, to me it was all about scheduling Between my
brothers and I and my cousinsthat lived there locally and
close to mama.
We all had shifts and itbasically was like a job.
That was our job to take careof mama when it was our time.
And we tried to conquer anddivide, but I just found out if
I did not take care of myself,and then you feel guilty.
(11:20):
And I was traveling for worktoo, so that was a challenge too
to try to make sure my shift'scovered, make sure somebody's
there with me, because she couldnot be alone by herself.
Somebody had to be there 24-7.
So, and even in my book Italked about I maybe didn't do
as good as I could have done,and you always got that in the
(11:40):
back of your mind.
But then I come back and sayyou know what?
I did the best I could andthat's all you can do is so just
beating yourself out, becausebecause then if you are there 24
7, then you're physically notable or mentally able to deal
with it.
So that's why I always would tryto schedule something a good
way, or even just go into a park.
(12:02):
Go into a park, go into a park,go into the we live here in the
foothills of the mountains,just driving to the park, or
just peace and quiet.
If you could just have peaceand quiet and take care of
yourself and then just, I thinkall of us feel guilty somehow,
because I think whatever we doin our minds, it's not good
enough, because it's our mama,it's our daddy, it's whoever.
(12:23):
And I feel like we just have tobe at peace with what we did,
because now I can't change it.
Even if I thought, uh, you knowthat I should have done this,
done that, I can't change it,there's nothing I can do.
So I tried not to stress outbecause I said you know, stress
is like being in a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do,you can sit there and rock all
(12:44):
day, but it doesn't get youanywhere.
So I tried to take thatphilosophy with my mom.
It's like I cannot stress aboutit.
I'm going to do the best I can,I'm going to be present, I'm
going to bring her as much joyas I can and Mama loves flowers
and I always would try to takeflowers for her.
So anything to take flowers forher, so anything to take Mama
and make Mama happy, is what Itried to do, but I do feel like
(13:05):
I probably should have done more, but there's nothing I can do
about it now.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Exactly.
I think we all feel that way.
So how did you deal with allthis while you were also
finishing your book at the sametime?
That's a lot, and you wereworking.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah yeah, but it's a lot.
And you were working, yeah yeah, but it was a distraction
writing that book.
And then you know 97.3% peoplethat say they're going to write
a book they never did becauseit's too hard.
Well, now I understand.
That book took me 10 years andit wasn't until my mother passed
away that I ended up finishingthat book, because I had a
reason, because it was herlegacy.
(13:42):
I wasn't going to tell her story, but it ended up being her
story.
It was kind of my struggles oftrying to do life, work, balance
.
How do you have your kids, yourfamily, your, your businesses,
uh, and then trying to take careof, of, uh, your, your parents?
It was just a lot, you know,and I just tried to do, like I
(14:02):
said, the best I could do andschedule.
Like I said, it was all aboutthe scheduling too.
And then, like I said, I wasreading to her and that's how I
ended up reading and writing.
And even when I was stayingwith her, I was always working
or writing on that story whichis about her.
I was always working or writingon that story which is about
(14:25):
her, and so she enjoyedlistening about her, but the
story was about her.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Exactly, yeah, I mean they do like the stories and I
always say I'm glad I paidattention to my mom growing up
when she would tell all herstories about the family,
because I was able to jump inand talk to her.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
You know being in that moment with her.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So you talk a lot about scheduling.
So well, what kind of tipswould you be for to give
somebody that they're trying toschedule?
Should they start with like 10minutes a half hour just to
slowly get themselves so theyfind a little time while they're
trying to balance everything?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
yeah, and I think too , just sometimes I think if I
didn't balance, I'm a bathtubperson and whether you did a
bathtub or a shower, it's justthat piece of your time in there
is trying to schedule that andthat was kind of my sanctuary
slash, my spa, and also I wouldschedule a massage, especially
(15:19):
after staying down there with mymama overnight.
A massage, especially afterstaying down there with my mama
overnight.
So I always had a massageschedule, something again to
look forward to.
And then, as far as time withmy family, if we didn't schedule
that then my whole time wouldjust be taking care of mama.
So I think if I did notschedule time and mark it on the
(15:40):
calendar and try to have amovie night or try to have a
family night or something, justto make sure you're taking care
of your family, or if there'slittle kids that's got ball
games, I would always try to dothe ball games and then try to
schedule around that.
And then made it even harderwhen I had to be out of town for
(16:02):
a trade show or a businessmeeting.
I had to schedule around that.
So there again, I just did thebest I could with the time that
I had, but being aware of mytime, because otherwise, you
know, and so many people maybecare for their parents, but then
they're bitter because theyfeel like they've got to take
care of their parents, but thenit's like they don't do anything
(16:23):
for themselves and I'm like,well, if you don't take time for
yourself, nobody's going toschedule time for yourself,
unless it's you scheduling timefor yourself because you're busy
doing everything else.
And at that time too, mamaloved as far as housework and
stuff too.
It was like, you know, youeither try to get somebody to do
it, and I always looked at myweaknesses.
(16:44):
I always tried to focus on thethings I was good at.
I was good at entertaining mom,I was good at driving mom
around, trying to keep her happy, but other things that I wasn't
maybe as good at keeping thehouse clean as I should have
been and tried to get help.
You know, try to get help withthat.
So there again, I just tried todo the best I could.
But dementia patients loveespecially women, and this was
(17:09):
also on my list too is that theylove to fold towels.
And so I would go in there andsay, oh mama, look, here's these
towels, help me fold it.
And she'd sit there and foldthem, fold them, fold them, fold
them, and then I would takethem back in the back, mess them
all up, take them back.
Oh, look, here I found moretowels, and Mama loved kittens
and we had this little.
(17:30):
I think it's Animal Planet,planet World something.
Anyway, it was a whole DVD ofkittens and she watched that
almost all the time, I mean, andshe'd say, I think I may have
seen this before, but she lovedthose little kittens and she'd
recognize a kitten that lookedlike hers but she would sit
(17:51):
there and that would keep hercalm and that would keep her
busy and she was doing something.
I'd be like, oh mama, good job,thank you for helping me.
And it was almost like asmothers, she wanted to help and
that's what she did.
So that was another tip on howto keep her occupied.
But back to your question aboutscheduling time.
(18:13):
Is that if you don't do thattime for yourself, your day is
going to be gone before you knowit.
But you only have 24 hours in aday and that 24 hours, like in
our case, we had our shift thatwe divided up, and then you had
to, you know, eat, sleep andthen work, and then by the time
(18:39):
you did all that, especially, Iworked a lot of hours too.
So it was hard trying to putthose pieces and the puzzle
together in your time and youjust had to make sure and kind
of adhere to that time schedule.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, exactly I was going to say.
My mom was similar in that ifyou told her to do something or
if they asked her like, oh, doyou want to go do this?
She usually would say no.
But if you went in and said, oh, Pat, I need your help, Will
you help me with this?
She'd go and do what you wantedher to do.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
Yes exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
I think a lot of people don't think about
approaching dementia patientsthat way, like asking for help.
A lot of times they'll do itbecause they think they're
helping.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Yes, exactly, and Mama would do that too.
She would love that.
And when we'd say, help me foldthese clothes, and she could
even take dishes out of thedishwasher and that was a simple
thing.
She could put the you knowspoons with the spoons, knew to
put you know the plates with theplates, and that was just a
(19:45):
simple little test, but that wassomething that she was helping.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yeah, and I think that a lot of times you know we
approach the dementia patients.
Well, you need to do this, youneed to do this.
And then they get defensive,they get agitated or they don't
understand.
You know, and as simple as like.
Like turning it around andasking them hey, can you help me
with this?
And then they feel really good,and then they do what you
wanted them to do you know?
(20:10):
Yeah, exactly, you talk about,you know, laughter instead of
crying.
How do you try to find thelaughter in every situation?
Because, I agree with you, Idon't think we laugh as much,
and laughter really is the bestmedicine.
It does make you feel better.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes, it does.
Well, I just ended up laughingbecause it was better than
crying, Because otherwise I feltlike you're so sad that this
happened to you.
And then I think, if you focuson oh, this is terrible, I can't
believe this has happened to mymama.
And so what I was doing is,anytime my mom and my mother, my
(20:47):
sweet, timid Christian mother,left us saying bad words and
when I say bad words I mean badwords that she didn't even know
what these words were.
We don't even know what sheheard these words.
So what I would do, I wouldwrite them down and I talk about
in my book that you know, mamaalways wrote down our first
(21:07):
words.
You know she had three kids allof our words.
So here I am, full circle.
Now I'm writing down words shesays, and I'm shocked that she
said these words.
And my brothers would just belike, oh my, they would just
blush and be so embarrassed andwhatever words.
And my brothers would just belike, oh my, they would just
blush and be so embarrassed andwhatever.
Well, I would just laugh.
And my dad, my dad, passed awaybefore my mom, um, and then once
my dad, once my dad passed away.
(21:29):
He lived to be 90, but once hepassed away, then that's why the
three siblings ended up beingthe 24-hour care gears, because
daddy could kind of, you know,could be there with her as long
as he was alive.
But once he passed away, thenthat that rolled over to to, uh,
you know, to the three, youknow, the three kids, and so so
we just end up laughing.
My daddy had a weird warpedkind of sense of dry humor and
(21:54):
and he would not believe that Imean because I talk about him in
my book I said, but you know, Isaid, oh, kiss my butt, you
know.
And Mama heard me.
Well, of course I got in trouble.
I said but but then Mamastarted a lot worse.
We're like, oh my gosh, she'ssaying a lot worse, and knowing
she didn't really know what shewas saying.
(22:15):
And so I just had to laughabout that, because I'm like
here, you know, she got on to mefor saying the word but and now
she says a lot, lot, lot worsewords than that.
And I just had to laugh, I justhad to see the humor in that.
And then we took her to thedoctor one time and then we're
like, oh my goodness, she wasflashing the doctor.
(22:37):
As soon as the doctor turnedaround she would flash it and
then she would giggle like alittle child, you know, like a
little girl.
And oh my goodness, I thought Iwas going to die laughing.
And thank goodness it wasn't mybrothers in that room, or they
would have had a heart attack inthat room with mom if she had
done that.
So, I just laughed.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
I just had to laugh.
I mean, sometimes you dobecause sometimes the things
that the dementia patients do orsay it's like you have to
because it is funny, it's so outof character.
Yeah, you have to, otherwise,like you said, you're gonna cry
uh with it.
So I see here.
Your book raised over $50,000for nonprofit agencies.
(23:18):
How did that come about?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Okay, well, for the Tennessee Alzheimer's we did a
fundraiser and it was an eventdown at Marble Gate, which was
really close to where I grew up,across the lake, and this was.
It was evening with the authorand it was a ticket event.
I gave away the books, I signedall the books and every book is
signed with a purple Sharpie.
(23:41):
Do you know why purple Sharpie?
Purple is the Alzheimer's colorand Sharpies are made here
locally in Blount County,tennessee.
So a lot of people didn't knowthat.
So that one event raised$31,000.
And then before and you'll notbelieve this, but this shows you
the power of social mediaBefore that book was even
(24:03):
printed, our art department dida cover just a cover of the book
, and the Haven House, which ishere in Blount County, they did
a silent auction for eight booksand eight barbecue dinners and
that sold for $5,400 for eightpeople, eight books, and they
(24:25):
sold it twice for $10,800.
And the book wasn't evenfinished yet.
So it was a silent auction andthat's where people just be it
online.
So it it ended up.
That was that, you know.
And then I ended up selling umlittle t-shirts.
That because mama just said benice, it ended up.
It was kind of funny becauseeven though mama said be nice,
(24:48):
mama got to being not so nicelater on, but I sold those
little t-shirts and then thatwent back to the tennessee
alzheimer's.
So so that's, and I'm stilltrying.
My goal is to try to get to$100,000.
I'm about halfway there now,but I've been donating lots of
books and I've been donating alot of fundraisers to try to
(25:09):
raise additional money for that.
But still, $50,000, that was alot, I think, for just for me
starting out.
And that's my first book.
That's the first book I'vewritten.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Well, yeah, that is impressive.
So your book is.
You Slept when Calamities of aClumsy Businesswoman.
Where can people get this book?
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah, they can order it on Amazon or they can go to
my website.
It's wwwbrenda and it's PraterP-R-A-T-E-R Sellers,
s-e-l-l-e-r-scom, and I could doan autographed one on that
website.
But if I just want to order iton Amazon, it's on Amazon, and
(25:50):
if they're not a reader, it's onAudible.
And my cousin from Nashvillereads the book Amanda Prater's
Stribling and she's also readingDolly Parton's book.
So she's an award-winningnarrator that's read over 750
(26:10):
books and she does a phenomenaljob because she's Southern and
she's an actress and so she doesa really good job, a lot better
than I could have done.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today on
patty's place and, again, I hopeeverybody checks out your book
as well and and if they have anyquestions, they can also send
us an email off, uh, on mywebsite, uh, the patty's place
for the podcast for that.
So I really enjoyed talkingwith you today, brenda.
You, I think you gave peoplesome really good tips on how to
(26:40):
get through this difficultsituation.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
So oh, I know, so did you say.
Your mother has passed away.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, she passed away about a year and a half ago.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Oh, okay, so it's still hard.
I know.
But I appreciate you having meand thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Oh well, thank you.
So hopefully we help somepeople who are in the middle of
it all to help find somelaughter through this right.
I hope so, all right, well, Ihope everybody joins us again
right here on another episode ofPatty's Place.
Okay, so we'll go ahead and get started.
So this morning, right here onPatty's Place, we are welcoming
Brenda Prater-Sellers.
She is an entrepreneur,philanthropist of the year,
businesswoman, and she's also anauthor Author of a book called
you Slept when Calamities of aClumsy Businesswoman and you've
(00:22):
raised over $50,000 forAlzheimer's Tennessee, haven
House of Blount County and otherlocal nonprofits.
So welcome to Patty's Place,brenda.
Well, thank you for having me.
Yes, I'm very excited to talkwith you about it.
I thought we'd start with.
As you said, there's over 76.4million baby boomers today and
(00:46):
about 71% of the baby boomershave at least one living parent.
That are, 75% receiving carefrom family members.
So, in your experience, how doyou deal with it all?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Well, it's hard.
It's probably one of thehardest things that I've had to
do in my life.
My mother had dementia for about10 years and I've done a lot of
things.
I've climbed Mount Everest,I've jumped out of airplanes,
I'm an extreme sports enthusiast.
I've done a lot of things.
But to have to deal with theemotional stress of dealing with
(01:24):
a patient, and especially amother that has dementia, was
probably the toughest thing I'veever done.
And I said and part of that isalso in my book it's like my
sweet, timid Christian motherended up with this disease.
She just turned mean, yeah, youknow, because that's just part
(01:44):
of the disease.
And so what we did?
And we just tried to find out.
I was the middle child.
I had an older brother, youngerbrother and different siblings
deal with you, know differentthings differently.
And I would just try to laugh atMama and you know our brothers
would try to correct her andthen that would just make her.
You know that would just makeher mad.
So we just started to thinkingof whatever it took to keep mama
(02:07):
happy and I came up with likefive things in the book to make
mama happy.
And one of the things thatreally helped her was just get
in the car and drive around andthat was a piece for her and I
think it was the changing of thescenery.
But that was one way that itkept her happy.
We drive, we're going anywhereand nowhere.
(02:29):
And then eating ice cream.
She loved ice cream, so thatwas, if all else fails, would
say, okay, mama, what about someice cream?
And that would calm her.
And then how I ended upfinishing that book was that I
was writing stories.
Mama was an avid reader, so Iwas writing stories and I would
(02:52):
read those stories to her aboutwhat was going in the book and
she loved that.
So that kept her occupied andentertained.
And then TV she liked a lot ofthose old TV shows.
So that that and then the other.
The fifth thing was I got a lotof her family and friends to
(03:14):
send her cards in the envelopebecause they were like sunshine
in the mail.
She loved to go to the mailbox,she loved to open and she'd
even opened the bill.
It didn't matter just openingsomething and looking at the
card.
So that's kind of how we keptmama happy.
We tried, we did the best wecould to try to keep mama happy,
and I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
I had similar experiences with my mom because
she had dementia too, and I gotto the point where, yeah,
whatever could calm her down,make her happy.
That's what I did, you know,and I think it's hard for people
to deal with that.
It's okay to I want to say lieto them, but you're not really.
You're entering their world andit's like so what if they say
(03:57):
the sky is green?
You just go.
Okay, you know, it's great.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Yeah, well, and it was yeah because it was funny.
My brothers were, and I thinkearly on in the, when we
realized something wasn't right,mama was real shy and quiet and
she had a sudden outburst whichis totally uncharacteristic to
her.
So I knew something was wrong.
And then I think the brothersjust tried to, you know, tried
(04:22):
to correct her.
They thought they were doing ohno, the sky is green.
The sky is blue, not green.
But that just made her thatmuch, you know, that just
agitated her that much more.
And then I talk about this inthe book I had a big meeting.
Of course, you've got your ownfamily, you've got your own
family, you've got your kids,you've got to work.
And we were staying with her atnight until she went into
(04:46):
assisted living and had this bigmeeting the next day.
Oh, please, god, please, letmama sleep.
Well, she wakes up in themiddle of the night and she
comes over to me and she goeswell, now do your parents know
where you are?
And I said, well.
I said well, mama, you are myparents.
I know that now, now you bequiet and don't be waking me up
(05:06):
anymore, you know.
And then she, you know, theywant to go back to their home.
And I said well, mama, you arehome.
This is your home.
No, no, my other home.
So she kept wanting to go to herchildhood home.
I could not satisfy her.
I said, no, this is your home,no, my home on Davis Ford.
(05:26):
So it's 12 o'clock at night,it's cold.
I said, okay, let's go to yourhome.
And we just got in the car.
She's in her house coat, I'm inmy pajamas, we ride around the
loop and then get back up.
Well, here we are.
Here we are, davis Ford Road,and she got out and she went in
and went back right to bed.
Yeah, we went right to sleep,but yeah, just whatever you have
to do.
But for anybody going throughthat, if you don't take care of
(05:48):
your mental health, I would findmyself just being my.
It was so emotional, especiallywhen it was such a
characteristic change for mymother.
I was emotionally drained afterstaying with her because you're
repeating yourself over andover and over, you know, trying
to keep her calm.
It was just a very stressfultime.
(06:09):
I just tried to laugh.
That's the only way I coulddeal with it.
I just laughed and then if Ilaughed, she would see me
laughing and she'd laugh.
So it was just try to.
I just tried to keep her happy.
That's you know, because ifmama's not happy, there's nobody
happy.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
That's true and I, like I said, I kind of adopted
that mentality too and I alsofound, you know, thinking back
now, I found those moments whenI did that with her to be
present.
In that moment I'm glad I didbecause I was able to share
those things, you know, likeenter her, know, when she wasn't
up, we didn't upset her, yeah,because my mom was more on the
(06:48):
reserve side too, but, boy, shecould come out with some
outbursts and even, like youknow, family members would be
like your mom did not just saythat I'm like, yeah, she did,
you know that's, yeah, that'sthe dementia, you know, and I
know a lot of people struggle,you know, know, with that.
But I agree, it is veryemotionally draining with it.
You know any, how did youjuggle all that?
(07:08):
Because you like, went, youclimbed Mount Everest and all
kinds of stuff while dealingwith this.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yes, well, I needed a distraction and I studied time
management and, like I said, Iran several businesses.
But then I had a big to-do listof different things I wanted to
do, and I'm a photographer bytrade.
That's what the part of thestory is about too.
If I did not schedule thesethings to give me something to
(07:36):
look forward to, I think I wouldhave gone crazy too.
And I don't mean that to bedisrespectful, it was just that
everybody's brain needs to havea rest and I just found myself,
if I had something to lookforward to, I had something good
, I could get through the weekand I could do all these things.
But it gave me a peace of mind.
(07:56):
And then I had all these goals.
I did a lot of communityservice things, so I just tried
to prioritize Because I knewMama wouldn't be here.
And then later on, you know,mama didn't know if it was me or
if it was a caregiver later on,but I knew it was Mama.
I knew it was her, so I justtried to do the best I could.
(08:17):
We finally ended up putting herinto assisted living, because
where they live it was real farout in the country and during
the wintertime it was just hardto get sitters because my two
brothers and I we all worked,had jobs, had businesses, and so
it got.
So it's just hard to findsomebody that could.
Especially during thewintertime it gets snowed in,
(08:39):
and that was a whole other thing.
And she was going to a daycarecenter for that type of patient
during the day, but then atnight we would try to bring her
home, but then that gotconfusing too.
So finally, the saving gracewas is that mama found a friend
of hers, just to live, and shereally thought that friend was
(09:03):
one that she grew up with.
So mama had a friend so everyevery, because mama didn't want
to be alone.
That was her biggest thing.
She was afraid to be alone.
Uh, and my brother ended upgrowing a beard.
Well, that kind of scared herbecause she kind of like what's
he, what's that bearded man?
Speaker 1 (09:18):
doing exactly.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
She couldn't understand well what's he doing
here and she kind of didn'trecognize him with the beard.
But as time goes on, you justdo the best you can and God love
everybody that has to see theirparents or sibling or spouse go
through that.
And see, now my husband has alittle bit of dementia and so
(09:41):
now it's deja vu.
But now I feel like, well, Iknow what to expect and now that
I'm kind of going through itagain, you just look at the
bright side.
That's all you can do and bepositive.
That was the other thing.
I just tried to be morepositive and I practiced PMA
positive mental attitude becauseif you're not positive you're
(10:01):
going to be negative, andnegative is better and so bitter
doesn't help anything.
So I just try to be positiveand then try to appreciate every
day that I did have with Mama.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, I mean it could be a struggle to be positive,
but I kind of thought about thattoo, like I just tried to
appreciate the time I had withmy mom.
You know, even though most ofthe time she didn't know, know I
was her daughter, but shethought I was this really nice
girl that came to visit her.
You know, okay, yeah, and I waslike, okay, you know, she'd ask
(10:34):
me about my mom and I'd tellher about herself.
You know, um, yeah, yeah.
So you know, we always tellcaregivers it's important that
they take care of themselves.
What kind of tips can you givethem so that they realize?
Because there's always thatguilt, like you know you should
take care of yourself, but thenyou feel guilty that you're not.
Like, what can you do to help?
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Well, to me it was all about scheduling Between my
brothers and I and my cousinsthat lived there locally and
close to mama.
We all had shifts and itbasically was like a job.
That was our job to take careof mama when it was our time.
And we tried to conquer anddivide, but I just found out if
I did not take care of myself,and then you feel guilty.
(11:20):
And I was traveling for worktoo, so that was a challenge too
to try to make sure my shift'scovered, make sure somebody's
there with me, because she couldnot be alone by herself.
Somebody had to be there 24-7.
So, and even in my book Italked about I maybe didn't do
as good as I could have done,and you always got that in the
(11:40):
back of your mind.
But then I come back and sayyou know what?
I did the best I could andthat's all you can do is so just
beating yourself out, becausebecause then if you are there 24
7, then you're physically notable or mentally able to deal
with it.
So that's why I always would tryto schedule something a good
way, or even just go into a park.
(12:02):
Go into a park, go into a park,go into the we live here in the
foothills of the mountains,just driving to the park, or
just peace and quiet.
If you could just have peaceand quiet and take care of
yourself and then just, I thinkall of us feel guilty somehow,
because I think whatever we doin our minds, it's not good
enough, because it's our mama,it's our daddy, it's whoever.
(12:23):
And I feel like we just have tobe at peace with what we did,
because now I can't change it.
Even if I thought, uh, you knowthat I should have done this,
done that, I can't change it,there's nothing I can do.
So I tried not to stress outbecause I said you know, stress
is like being in a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do,you can sit there and rock all
(12:44):
day, but it doesn't get youanywhere.
So I tried to take thatphilosophy with my mom.
It's like I cannot stress aboutit.
I'm going to do the best I can,I'm going to be present, I'm
going to bring her as much joyas I can and Mama loves flowers
and I always would try to takeflowers for her.
So anything to take flowers forher, so anything to take Mama
and make Mama happy, is what Itried to do, but I do feel like
(13:05):
I probably should have done more, but there's nothing I can do
about it now.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Exactly.
I think we all feel that way.
So how did you deal with allthis while you were also
finishing your book at the sametime?
That's a lot, and you wereworking.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah yeah, but it's a lot.
And you were working, yeah yeah, but it was a distraction
writing that book.
And then you know 97.3% peoplethat say they're going to write
a book they never did becauseit's too hard.
Well, now I understand.
That book took me 10 years andit wasn't until my mother passed
away that I ended up finishingthat book, because I had a
reason, because it was herlegacy.
(13:42):
I wasn't going to tell her story, but it ended up being her
story.
It was kind of my struggles oftrying to do life, work, balance
.
How do you have your kids, yourfamily, your, your businesses,
uh, and then trying to take careof, of, uh, your, your parents?
It was just a lot, you know,and I just tried to do, like I
(14:02):
said, the best I could do andschedule.
Like I said, it was all aboutthe scheduling too.
And then, like I said, I wasreading to her and that's how I
ended up reading and writing.
And even when I was stayingwith her, I was always working
or writing on that story whichis about her.
I was always working or writingon that story which is about
(14:25):
her, and so she enjoyedlistening about her, but the
story was about her.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Exactly, yeah, I mean they do like the stories and I
always say I'm glad I paidattention to my mom growing up
when she would tell all herstories about the family,
because I was able to jump inand talk to her.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
You know being in that moment with her.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So you talk a lot about scheduling.
So well, what kind of tipswould you be for to give
somebody that they're trying toschedule?
Should they start with like 10minutes a half hour just to
slowly get themselves so theyfind a little time while they're
trying to balance everything?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
yeah, and I think too , just sometimes I think if I
didn't balance, I'm a bathtubperson and whether you did a
bathtub or a shower, it's justthat piece of your time in there
is trying to schedule that andthat was kind of my sanctuary
slash, my spa, and also I wouldschedule a massage, especially
(15:19):
after staying down there with mymama overnight.
A massage, especially afterstaying down there with my mama
overnight.
So I always had a massageschedule, something again to
look forward to.
And then, as far as time withmy family, if we didn't schedule
that then my whole time wouldjust be taking care of mama.
So I think if I did notschedule time and mark it on the
(15:40):
calendar and try to have amovie night or try to have a
family night or something, justto make sure you're taking care
of your family, or if there'slittle kids that's got ball
games, I would always try to dothe ball games and then try to
schedule around that.
And then made it even harderwhen I had to be out of town for
(16:02):
a trade show or a businessmeeting.
I had to schedule around that.
So there again, I just did thebest I could with the time that
I had, but being aware of mytime, because otherwise, you
know, and so many people maybecare for their parents, but then
they're bitter because theyfeel like they've got to take
care of their parents, but thenit's like they don't do anything
(16:23):
for themselves and I'm like,well, if you don't take time for
yourself, nobody's going toschedule time for yourself,
unless it's you scheduling timefor yourself because you're busy
doing everything else.
And at that time too, mamaloved as far as housework and
stuff too.
It was like, you know, youeither try to get somebody to do
it, and I always looked at myweaknesses.
(16:44):
I always tried to focus on thethings I was good at.
I was good at entertaining mom,I was good at driving mom
around, trying to keep her happy, but other things that I wasn't
maybe as good at keeping thehouse clean as I should have
been and tried to get help.
You know, try to get help withthat.
So there again, I just tried todo the best I could.
But dementia patients loveespecially women, and this was
(17:09):
also on my list too is that theylove to fold towels.
And so I would go in there andsay, oh mama, look, here's these
towels, help me fold it.
And she'd sit there and foldthem, fold them, fold them, fold
them, and then I would takethem back in the back, mess them
all up, take them back.
Oh, look, here I found moretowels, and Mama loved kittens
and we had this little.
(17:30):
I think it's Animal Planet,planet World something.
Anyway, it was a whole DVD ofkittens and she watched that
almost all the time, I mean, andshe'd say, I think I may have
seen this before, but she lovedthose little kittens and she'd
recognize a kitten that lookedlike hers but she would sit
(17:51):
there and that would keep hercalm and that would keep her
busy and she was doing something.
I'd be like, oh mama, good job,thank you for helping me.
And it was almost like asmothers, she wanted to help and
that's what she did.
So that was another tip on howto keep her occupied.
But back to your question aboutscheduling time.
(18:13):
Is that if you don't do thattime for yourself, your day is
going to be gone before you knowit.
But you only have 24 hours in aday and that 24 hours, like in
our case, we had our shift thatwe divided up, and then you had
to, you know, eat, sleep andthen work, and then by the time
(18:39):
you did all that, especially, Iworked a lot of hours too.
So it was hard trying to putthose pieces and the puzzle
together in your time and youjust had to make sure and kind
of adhere to that time schedule.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Yeah, exactly I was going to say.
My mom was similar in that ifyou told her to do something or
if they asked her like, oh, doyou want to go do this?
She usually would say no.
But if you went in and said, oh, Pat, I need your help, Will
you help me with this?
She'd go and do what you wantedher to do.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
Yes exactly.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
I think a lot of people don't think about
approaching dementia patientsthat way, like asking for help.
A lot of times they'll do itbecause they think they're
helping.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
Yes, exactly, and Mama would do that too.
She would love that.
And when we'd say, help me foldthese clothes, and she could
even take dishes out of thedishwasher and that was a simple
thing.
She could put the you knowspoons with the spoons, knew to
put you know the plates with theplates, and that was just a
(19:45):
simple little test, but that wassomething that she was helping.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yeah, and I think that a lot of times you know we
approach the dementia patients.
Well, you need to do this, youneed to do this.
And then they get defensive,they get agitated or they don't
understand.
You know, and as simple as like.
Like turning it around andasking them hey, can you help me
with this?
And then they feel really good,and then they do what you
wanted them to do you know?
(20:10):
Yeah, exactly, you talk about,you know, laughter instead of
crying.
How do you try to find thelaughter in every situation?
Because, I agree with you, Idon't think we laugh as much,
and laughter really is the bestmedicine.
It does make you feel better.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes, it does.
Well, I just ended up laughingbecause it was better than
crying, Because otherwise I feltlike you're so sad that this
happened to you.
And then I think, if you focuson oh, this is terrible, I can't
believe this has happened to mymama.
And so what I was doing is,anytime my mom and my mother, my
(20:47):
sweet, timid Christian mother,left us saying bad words and
when I say bad words I mean badwords that she didn't even know
what these words were.
We don't even know what sheheard these words.
So what I would do, I wouldwrite them down and I talk about
in my book that you know, mamaalways wrote down our first
(21:07):
words.
You know she had three kids allof our words.
So here I am, full circle.
Now I'm writing down words shesays, and I'm shocked that she
said these words.
And my brothers would just belike, oh my, they would just
blush and be so embarrassed andwhatever words.
And my brothers would just belike, oh my, they would just
blush and be so embarrassed andwhatever.
Well, I would just laugh.
And my dad, my dad, passed awaybefore my mom, um, and then once
my dad, once my dad passed away.
(21:29):
He lived to be 90, but once hepassed away, then that's why the
three siblings ended up beingthe 24-hour care gears, because
daddy could kind of, you know,could be there with her as long
as he was alive.
But once he passed away, thenthat that rolled over to to, uh,
you know, to the three, youknow, the three kids, and so so
we just end up laughing.
My daddy had a weird warpedkind of sense of dry humor and
(21:54):
and he would not believe that Imean because I talk about him in
my book I said, but you know, Isaid, oh, kiss my butt, you
know.
And Mama heard me.
Well, of course I got in trouble.
I said but but then Mamastarted a lot worse.
We're like, oh my gosh, she'ssaying a lot worse, and knowing
she didn't really know what shewas saying.
(22:15):
And so I just had to laughabout that, because I'm like
here, you know, she got on to mefor saying the word but and now
she says a lot, lot, lot worsewords than that.
And I just had to laugh, I justhad to see the humor in that.
And then we took her to thedoctor one time and then we're
like, oh my goodness, she wasflashing the doctor.
(22:37):
As soon as the doctor turnedaround she would flash it and
then she would giggle like alittle child, you know, like a
little girl.
And oh my goodness, I thought Iwas going to die laughing.
And thank goodness it wasn't mybrothers in that room, or they
would have had a heart attack inthat room with mom if she had
done that.
So, I just laughed.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
I just had to laugh.
I mean, sometimes you dobecause sometimes the things
that the dementia patients do orsay it's like you have to
because it is funny, it's so outof character.
Yeah, you have to, otherwise,like you said, you're gonna cry
uh with it.
So I see here.
Your book raised over $50,000for nonprofit agencies.
(23:18):
How did that come about?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Okay, well, for the Tennessee Alzheimer's we did a
fundraiser and it was an eventdown at Marble Gate, which was
really close to where I grew up,across the lake, and this was.
It was evening with the authorand it was a ticket event.
I gave away the books, I signedall the books and every book is
signed with a purple Sharpie.
(23:41):
Do you know why purple Sharpie?
Purple is the Alzheimer's colorand Sharpies are made here
locally in Blount County,tennessee.
So a lot of people didn't knowthat.
So that one event raised$31,000.
And then before and you'll notbelieve this, but this shows you
the power of social mediaBefore that book was even
(24:03):
printed, our art department dida cover just a cover of the book
, and the Haven House, which ishere in Blount County, they did
a silent auction for eight booksand eight barbecue dinners and
that sold for $5,400 for eightpeople, eight books, and they
(24:25):
sold it twice for $10,800.
And the book wasn't evenfinished yet.
So it was a silent auction andthat's where people just be it
online.
So it it ended up.
That was that, you know.
And then I ended up selling umlittle t-shirts.
That because mama just said benice, it ended up.
It was kind of funny becauseeven though mama said be nice,
(24:48):
mama got to being not so nicelater on, but I sold those
little t-shirts and then thatwent back to the tennessee
alzheimer's.
So so that's, and I'm stilltrying.
My goal is to try to get to$100,000.
I'm about halfway there now,but I've been donating lots of
books and I've been donating alot of fundraisers to try to
(25:09):
raise additional money for that.
But still, $50,000, that was alot, I think, for just for me
starting out.
And that's my first book.
That's the first book I'vewritten.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Well, yeah, that is impressive.
So your book is.
You Slept when Calamities of aClumsy Businesswoman.
Where can people get this book?
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah, they can order it on Amazon or they can go to
my website.
It's wwwbrenda and it's PraterP-R-A-T-E-R Sellers,
s-e-l-l-e-r-scom, and I could doan autographed one on that
website.
But if I just want to order iton Amazon, it's on Amazon, and
(25:50):
if they're not a reader, it's onAudible.
And my cousin from Nashvillereads the book Amanda Prater's
Stribling and she's also readingDolly Parton's book.
So she's an award-winningnarrator that's read over 750
(26:10):
books and she does a phenomenaljob because she's Southern and
she's an actress and so she doesa really good job, a lot better
than I could have done.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today on
patty's place and, again, I hopeeverybody checks out your book
as well and and if they have anyquestions, they can also send
us an email off, uh, on mywebsite, uh, the patty's place
for the podcast for that.
So I really enjoyed talkingwith you today, brenda.
You, I think you gave peoplesome really good tips on how to
(26:40):
get through this difficultsituation.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
So oh, I know, so did you say.
Your mother has passed away.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Yeah, she passed away about a year and a half ago.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
Oh, okay, so it's still hard.
I know.
But I appreciate you having meand thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Oh well, thank you.
So hopefully we help somepeople who are in the middle of
it all to help find somelaughter through this right.
I hope so, all right, well, Ihope everybody joins us again
right here on another episode ofPatty's Place.
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