April 1, 2025 • 20 mins
I would love to hear from you. Send me questions or comments.
Communicating with someone who has dementia requires entering their reality rather than expecting them to function in ours. Understanding that their brain is physically changing helps us respond with compassion instead of frustration.
• People with dementia aren't being difficult or stubborn on purpose—their brain function is deteriorating
• The person looks the same but their cognitive abilities have significantly changed
• Short-term memory loss means they genuinely don't remember instructions or conversations from minutes earlier
• "Agree, don't argue" is a fundamental principle in dementia communication
• It's okay to use calming stories rather than correcting misperceptions
• People with dementia only exist in the present moment—they don't recall the past or anticipate the future
• Redirection and reassurance are more effective than arguments about reality
• The goal should be providing peace and safety in what has become a frightening world for them
• Entering their world allows for meaningful connection despite cognitive decline
• The Alzheimer's Association website offers valuable resources for dementia communication
I would love to hear from you. Please send me an email through the website with your questions or topics you'd like me to address in future episodes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Welcome to Patty's Place.
I'm your host, lisa.
It's a place where we will talkabout grief, dementia,
caregiving.
So get yourself a nice cup oftea or a cup of coffee or a
glass of wine if you're having areally rough day and let's just
talk.
Hopefully you find this a placeof comfort for yourself.
I thought today we would talkabout how do you talk to a
(00:34):
person with dementia, because itis different and as they
continue on with the differentstages as they go through, there
will be different things thathappen.
With the different stages asthey go through, there will be
different things that happen.
So learning to talk with aperson with dementia is
definitely a challenge.
It's a learning experiencebecause you have to learn how to
(00:55):
figure out where your loved oneis in the disease, but you also
have to take yourself out ofthe communication.
What I mean is you can't talkto them like you used to talk to
them, so you have to kind offigure out where they're at and
what you can say.
And it's a challenge becauseyou look at the person and they
(01:18):
look the same, but they're not.
Their brain is not the same.
So what I mean is it's so easyto think well, I know they're
this person, I know, they knowwhat I'm talking about, but they
don't.
I hear so many times when Italk with people who, their
loved ones, have dementia,they're like I know, they know
(01:38):
this, I know this, but theydon't, they don't understand it,
they're not faking it.
They really don't know whoyou're talking about.
When you reference somebody oryou even reference an item To
them, they don't know the nameof it.
And a lot of times I hear thatpeople get angry because they're
(02:00):
thinking that their loved oneis being stubborn or they're
just doing this on purpose.
But they're not.
A person with dementia is neverdoing anything on purpose.
It's hard to think about thatyour loved one doesn't remember
who you are or doesn't remembersimple things like how to turn
the TV on and off, how to turnthe lights off.
(02:22):
I remember times when my momstayed with me and I had to tell
her five, 10 times in a rowhere, mom, just turn this switch
off.
And then she'd say what do Ihave to do again?
And I'd be like here, it'sright here, turn it off, the TV
remote.
You know a lot of times too,the TV remotes, the buttons are
(02:44):
really small, so that'sfrustrating anyway, but I'd have
to be like here, just turn thisoff right here, and then
sometimes I would just do it forher.
She wasn't doing it on purpose,she really didn't know.
That's how bad her short termmemory became.
So it's hard to think that youknow.
Like I said, your loved onedoesn't remember.
And then it's frustratingbecause you're thinking how many
(03:05):
times do I have to tell him howto do this?
You know, I remember I wastrying to show my mom how to
just dial her cell phone and mymom, she only had a very simple
flip phone and she only used hercell phone for emergencies.
But I remember one time Iliterally probably spent almost
20 minutes with her showing herover and over and over again how
(03:28):
she could call my dad, and shereally she just didn't
understand and so I was likeit's okay, you know.
So I got to be real honest.
It makes me angry when I'mtalking with caregivers and they
say I know that, I know theyknow this person or I know they
know how to do this.
No, they don't.
Their brain doesn't think aboutit, as their brain is shutting
(03:53):
down Different parts of theirbrain, is shutting off the
neurons, or I don't know thecorrect words so I shouldn't say
it.
It literally is shutting off.
They're on like this.
It's almost like think about itlike Groundhog Day.
It's like the same thing overand over again, but they don't
remember.
So they're not trying to bestubborn, they're not trying to
(04:16):
be difficult.
So I think for me, what I didwas is I tried to think about
the disease from my mom's pointof view.
I thought about it as her brainwas dying.
So think about can you imaginehow scary it must be that you no
longer know how to do somethingso simple as to turn off the
(04:37):
lights or turn off the TV?
Think about that for a second.
Put yourself in that position.
What if you honestly couldn'tremember how to turn off the TV,
how to use a light switch?
How would you feel?
And then you have someonelooking right at you saying what
do you mean?
You don't know how to do it.
(04:59):
So one of the first things thatI did, or one of the first
things I did, or one of thefirst things if you go to the
Alzheimer's Association website,says with communication, when
you're trying to communicatewith the person who has dementia
agree, don't argue.
Think about it like this.
Why is it so important as acaregiver that you're right?
(05:21):
Does it really make adifference if your loved one is,
you know, calling a cup acookie?
What difference does it make?
Because if you're telling aperson with dementia they know
something, you're arguing withthem.
If you insist that they knowso-and-so and they honestly
(05:43):
don't remember, you're arguingwith them.
And a lot of times when youbegin to argue with a person
with dementia, they get agitatedand sometimes it escalates to
where they get aggressive andnow you have to calm them down.
So the best thing that I couldtell you that worked for me was
(06:07):
you have to enter their world.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
A person with dementia is nolonger in your world.
They're not, and I know howhard that is.
It's hard to accept thatthey're not in the same world as
you anymore, but they're not.
(06:28):
They're in their own world.
They may be back to whenthey're a kid.
They may be back to whenthey're in college.
You, as the caregiver, have toenter their world.
If you want to connect withthem and make your caregiving
experience a little easier, thenenter their world, their world.
(06:57):
Don't expect them to be in yourworld, in the real world
anymore, because they're not.
And I'm going to say this it'sokay to lie to them.
What I mean is is you don'talways have to tell them every
little thing.
An example of this is that mymom didn't know she had dementia
.
An example of this is that mymom didn't know she had dementia
.
If someone even hinted she haddementia, she would get very,
very upset.
(07:17):
So I realized what was thepoint of making her accept that
she had dementia.
It was one of her symptoms.
She just didn't know she had it.
A lot of people with dementiadon't realize they have it.
It's a common symptom.
You can look it up on theAlzheimer's website.
There's even a name for itwhich I can never pronounce.
(07:40):
So what would have been thepoint for me to continually
argue with her and make heraccept she had dementia?
That whole experience wouldhave been awful.
So I never said she had dementia.
I never told her that.
Even when she we had to, when Ihad to take her to doctors and
(08:01):
stuff, I would tell her it wassomething about something else.
Why, why upset her?
Now I realize I know somepeople have a hard time with
this, because you don't want tolie to your loved one, and I get
it.
I didn't want to lie to my mom.
You don't want to lie to yourloved one, and I get it.
I didn't want to lie to my mom,but I kind of really wasn't
lying to her.
She didn't understand anyway.
Because, think about it, why isit so important that a person
(08:22):
with dementia know they havedementia?
Because it isn't about theperson who has dementia, it's
about the caregiver.
It's about the caregiver'sfeelings, it's not about the
person with dementia.
Because they don't understand.
Now, most of the family membersthat I met when my mom was at
her memory care facility anexample of this is they didn't
(08:45):
tell their family member theywere entering memory care.
Why?
Because it would have upsetthem too much.
Yeah, so we all lied, but itwasn't a lie that hurt them, it
helped them, it kept them safe.
So, like my mom, after a fewdays she thought she didn't even
remember that she didn't livein memory care anymore.
(09:06):
She thought she was at hergrandma's house.
Some of the residents thoughtthey were back in college.
Some thought they were in abuilding their employer bought
for them.
That's even how they thatfamily member got them there.
So you see, it didn't hurt themand it made them happy and made
them feel safe.
So you have to think about itfrom their point of view.
(09:30):
To think about it from theirpoint of view.
And what's hard is, and what I'mtrying to say, is that talking
with a person who has dementiais being in the present moment
with them, because a person withdementia only has the present
moment.
They don't remember the fewminutes before and they don't
think about the few minuteslater.
So if you're trying to tellthem, oh, we got to do this,
(09:55):
this, this and this today,they're going to ask you what do
we have to do again today?
Where do we have to go againtoday?
So then you're going to getangry because you're going to
say I told you this, but theyreally don't remember because
their short-term memory is gone.
So make it easy on yourself.
(10:15):
Making a person with dementiabe in our world, in my opinion,
is cruel.
I understand wanting to hang onto our loved one as we knew
them Believe me, I do but youhave to go on this journey with
them.
You have to meet them wherethey are, and every person with
(10:36):
dementia goes on the journeydifferently, but they share
similar stories A lot of times,as you talk with other family
members who have their lovedones who have dementia or had
dementia, you'll hear how theythought that their family
members were stealing money fromthem or their significant other
was cheating on them.
(10:58):
It's okay to find a story thatcalms them down.
My mom she believed that my dadwas stealing all her money.
My dad even wrote out thingsfor her to see where all the
money was, and I would show thatto her too, but that never
seemed to calm her down.
She was convinced he wasstealing all her money.
Finally, I said to her one dayI said you know what, mom, don't
(11:20):
worry about it, I can get yourmoney and she's like you can.
And I said yeah.
I said I live across straightfrom the bank.
I said and me and Annie, herlittle dog, annie, who was her
whole world.
I said and me and Annie, herlittle dog, annie, who was her
whole world.
I said Annie and I will go overto the bank and we will get
your money for you whenever youneed it, and she's like you will
(11:43):
.
And I said yes, and that calmedher down every single time.
So it's okay to find a storythat calms them.
I mean I could have went on andon and argued with my mom and
said, oh, my dad's not stealingthat money, he's not.
And that just would agitate herand get her more upset, I guess
for me.
I realized I couldn't cure mymom.
(12:05):
There was nothing I could do.
Dementia was never going to beover, it was never going to be
cured.
But all my mom ever wanted wasshe wanted to have peace in her
life.
So I decided my goal was togive her peace because that was
all I could give her.
I couldn't stop what was goingon in her brain.
(12:28):
I couldn't stop what was goingon in her body, but I could try
to give her peace when I waswith her and keep her safe.
Now, it wasn't always easy whenshe got agitated or upset, but
I would do my best to redirecther, to calm her down.
Some days it was easier thanothers, but but I just wanted
her to feel safe and feel peace.
(12:50):
And I realize that what I'msaying is not easy.
But I found, looking back nowespecially it's been over a year
since my mom passed and eventhough I still miss her every
day I realize that I was gladthat I took that approach
because I had those moments withher, glad that I took that
(13:12):
approach because I had thosemoments with her.
I still think about I miss her.
You know, going and visiting herat memory care and, yes, I had
to calm her down several timesand sometimes it took me an hour
, but I would always tell her itwas okay, and sometimes she'd
grab my hand and she'd be almostcrying and she'd be like don't
leave me, don't leave me, helpme.
(13:33):
And I would help her and I tellher I'm not leaving you, it's
okay, I'm all right, I'llprotect you.
And it would slowly calm herdown and sometimes I would
redirect her.
Sometimes, you know, shecarried a baby around.
That made her feel safe.
So I'd always make sure she hadher baby or something else.
Or maybe I'd put something onTV or play music, or sometimes I
(13:56):
just sat with her and told herit was going to be okay, I was
here and she was safe, becausethat's what she always said to
me.
And so I can't express thisenough when you are caregiving
for a person with dementia andyeah, sometimes they do get
aggressive and agitated, but youhave to think about it from
(14:21):
their point of view, think abouthow scary that is, that you no
longer know that.
Your world is so foreign to youyou don't know how to do
anything anymore and they'relooking for someone to tell them
it's safe, just like a toddler,just like a baby.
That's why a lot of times theydo go back and they look for
(14:43):
their parents, even when theirparents are dead.
And my mom would ask for hermom.
But I never said to her well,your mom is dead.
I didn't say that to her.
I'd be like, oh, all right,I'll call your mom.
And sometimes I thought, oh,who could I call?
That'll tell her it's her mom,because what harm would it do?
She wasn't going to rememberanyway.
So I cannot urge you enough to.
(15:06):
When you're with that care,you're with your loved one, and
I realize it's very hard whenyou take care of a loved one 24
hours a day.
But think about it from theirpoint of view.
I don't want to say have funwith it, but sometimes people
with dementia say the funniestthings and sometimes you just go
along with their story.
What harm does it do?
(15:27):
As long as they're safe andthey're in the house and they're
protected, what difference doesit make if you know, as long as
they're safe and they're in thehouse and they're protected.
What difference does it make ifthey're telling you so-and-so
came, so what Say they did, whatthey look like?
You know, sometimes I had thebest conversations with my mom
when she was telling me stuffthat I knew wasn't true.
But I was able to be with herin that present moment and I do.
(15:54):
I cherish those memories nowbecause she wasn't aggravated
and I do, like I said, it makesme angry and it upsets me when I
know people that they're takingcare of family members who have
dementia and it's so importantto them that their family member
understand this and they know.
They know this.
No, they really don't.
(16:14):
So you're creating all thisdrama and all this anxiety and
all these feelings when it comesdown to the caregiver being
able to accept that your lovedone has dementia and you're
grieving for them in that moment, even though they're still
(16:35):
alive, and you're taking care ofthem.
And that's really, really hard.
It's very hard.
Again, I'm not saying any ofthis is easy, but if you can
remember and again, there's lotsof different tips on the
Alzheimer's Association websiteAgree, don't argue, especially
(16:58):
if it's about something so sillyand if your loved one really
won't go somewhere, then don'tgo.
You have to make adjustments.
They are no longer in the sameworld as you.
You have to enter their worldand so if others don't
(17:18):
understand or they don't like it, well, you're taking care of
your loved one, and if it'sgoing to be too much for that
person to go, then they don't go.
They're sick.
It's no different than if aperson had cancer.
But people look at dementiadifferently and for some reason
(17:39):
they force the person withdementia to do things that
really just you know.
They can't handle crowds andthings like that and that's why
they can get agitated.
So as you begin this journeyand as you're communicating,
think about it from their pointof view.
Think about how scary that mustbe, and if you can think about
(18:04):
it like that and try to agreewith them again, as long as
their safety's first.
And sometimes she can have somefun, like I said, the example
with the bank.
I always calmed her down.
I'm like Annie and I, me andthe dog we'll just go to the
bank and we'll get your moneyout, and she's like you will.
I said, yes, we will, and thatmade her feel better, probably
(18:27):
because she knew I was agreeingwith her, probably because she
knew I was agreeing with her.
And again, what differencewould it make if I would have
kept arguing with her that mydad wasn't stealing the money?
I knew my dad wasn't stealingthe money.
My dad knew he wasn't stealingthe money.
And it calmed my mom down, itmade her feel safe that somebody
was listening to her.
(18:49):
So I want you to think aboutthose things when you're talking
to the person with dementiaBecause, again, they're in a
very scary world.
So agree with them, enter theirworld.
Don't make them enter the realworld, because they're not there
anymore and it's very hard as acaregiver to accept that.
So I want I'm going to talkmore about communicating with
(19:12):
people with person with dementiahere at Patty's Place.
I would love to hear from you.
Please send me an email ifyou'd like.
If you go on to, if you'relistening, I accept emails from
there to talk about anyquestions.
If there's things you want meto talk about, questions you
want me to answer.
If I don't have the answer, Iwill find the answer for you.
(19:33):
I'll do my best for it.
Like I said, I want this to bea place of comfort, a place
where you can find what you'relooking for.
At least know that you're notalone when you're dealing with
grief or dementia and caregiving, that there's somebody here
that listens and understandswith it, because dementia is
very, very, very difficult, andso is grief, and so is
(19:55):
caregiving for it.
So please reach out.
I'd love to hear from you as wetalk about it.
So I hope you enjoyed thisedition of Patty's Place.
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed yourcup of tea, your cup of coffee
or a glass of wine, and I willsee you next time right here on
Patty's Place.
Welcome to Patty's Place.
I'm your host, lisa.
It's a place where we will talkabout grief, dementia,
caregiving.
So get yourself a nice cup oftea or a cup of coffee or a
glass of wine if you're having areally rough day and let's just
talk.
Hopefully you find this a placeof comfort for yourself.
I thought today we would talkabout how do you talk to a
(00:34):
person with dementia, because itis different and as they
continue on with the differentstages as they go through, there
will be different things thathappen.
With the different stages asthey go through, there will be
different things that happen.
So learning to talk with aperson with dementia is
definitely a challenge.
It's a learning experiencebecause you have to learn how to
(00:55):
figure out where your loved oneis in the disease, but you also
have to take yourself out ofthe communication.
What I mean is you can't talkto them like you used to talk to
them, so you have to kind offigure out where they're at and
what you can say.
And it's a challenge becauseyou look at the person and they
(01:18):
look the same, but they're not.
Their brain is not the same.
So what I mean is it's so easyto think well, I know they're
this person, I know, they knowwhat I'm talking about, but they
don't.
I hear so many times when Italk with people who, their
loved ones, have dementia,they're like I know, they know
(01:38):
this, I know this, but theydon't, they don't understand it,
they're not faking it.
They really don't know whoyou're talking about.
When you reference somebody oryou even reference an item To
them, they don't know the nameof it.
And a lot of times I hear thatpeople get angry because they're
(02:00):
thinking that their loved oneis being stubborn or they're
just doing this on purpose.
But they're not.
A person with dementia is neverdoing anything on purpose.
It's hard to think about thatyour loved one doesn't remember
who you are or doesn't remembersimple things like how to turn
the TV on and off, how to turnthe lights off.
(02:22):
I remember times when my momstayed with me and I had to tell
her five, 10 times in a rowhere, mom, just turn this switch
off.
And then she'd say what do Ihave to do again?
And I'd be like here, it'sright here, turn it off, the TV
remote.
You know a lot of times too,the TV remotes, the buttons are
(02:44):
really small, so that'sfrustrating anyway, but I'd have
to be like here, just turn thisoff right here, and then
sometimes I would just do it forher.
She wasn't doing it on purpose,she really didn't know.
That's how bad her short termmemory became.
So it's hard to think that youknow.
Like I said, your loved onedoesn't remember.
And then it's frustratingbecause you're thinking how many
(03:05):
times do I have to tell him howto do this?
You know, I remember I wastrying to show my mom how to
just dial her cell phone and mymom, she only had a very simple
flip phone and she only used hercell phone for emergencies.
But I remember one time Iliterally probably spent almost
20 minutes with her showing herover and over and over again how
(03:28):
she could call my dad, and shereally she just didn't
understand and so I was likeit's okay, you know.
So I got to be real honest.
It makes me angry when I'mtalking with caregivers and they
say I know that, I know theyknow this person or I know they
know how to do this.
No, they don't.
Their brain doesn't think aboutit, as their brain is shutting
(03:53):
down Different parts of theirbrain, is shutting off the
neurons, or I don't know thecorrect words so I shouldn't say
it.
It literally is shutting off.
They're on like this.
It's almost like think about itlike Groundhog Day.
It's like the same thing overand over again, but they don't
remember.
So they're not trying to bestubborn, they're not trying to
(04:16):
be difficult.
So I think for me, what I didwas is I tried to think about
the disease from my mom's pointof view.
I thought about it as her brainwas dying.
So think about can you imaginehow scary it must be that you no
longer know how to do somethingso simple as to turn off the
(04:37):
lights or turn off the TV?
Think about that for a second.
Put yourself in that position.
What if you honestly couldn'tremember how to turn off the TV,
how to use a light switch?
How would you feel?
And then you have someonelooking right at you saying what
do you mean?
You don't know how to do it.
(04:59):
So one of the first things thatI did, or one of the first
things I did, or one of thefirst things if you go to the
Alzheimer's Association website,says with communication, when
you're trying to communicatewith the person who has dementia
agree, don't argue.
Think about it like this.
Why is it so important as acaregiver that you're right?
(05:21):
Does it really make adifference if your loved one is,
you know, calling a cup acookie?
What difference does it make?
Because if you're telling aperson with dementia they know
something, you're arguing withthem.
If you insist that they knowso-and-so and they honestly
(05:43):
don't remember, you're arguingwith them.
And a lot of times when youbegin to argue with a person
with dementia, they get agitatedand sometimes it escalates to
where they get aggressive andnow you have to calm them down.
So the best thing that I couldtell you that worked for me was
(06:07):
you have to enter their world.
I cannot emphasize this enough.
A person with dementia is nolonger in your world.
They're not, and I know howhard that is.
It's hard to accept thatthey're not in the same world as
you anymore, but they're not.
(06:28):
They're in their own world.
They may be back to whenthey're a kid.
They may be back to whenthey're in college.
You, as the caregiver, have toenter their world.
If you want to connect withthem and make your caregiving
experience a little easier, thenenter their world, their world.
(06:57):
Don't expect them to be in yourworld, in the real world
anymore, because they're not.
And I'm going to say this it'sokay to lie to them.
What I mean is is you don'talways have to tell them every
little thing.
An example of this is that mymom didn't know she had dementia
.
An example of this is that mymom didn't know she had dementia
.
If someone even hinted she haddementia, she would get very,
very upset.
(07:17):
So I realized what was thepoint of making her accept that
she had dementia.
It was one of her symptoms.
She just didn't know she had it.
A lot of people with dementiadon't realize they have it.
It's a common symptom.
You can look it up on theAlzheimer's website.
There's even a name for itwhich I can never pronounce.
(07:40):
So what would have been thepoint for me to continually
argue with her and make heraccept she had dementia?
That whole experience wouldhave been awful.
So I never said she had dementia.
I never told her that.
Even when she we had to, when Ihad to take her to doctors and
(08:01):
stuff, I would tell her it wassomething about something else.
Why, why upset her?
Now I realize I know somepeople have a hard time with
this, because you don't want tolie to your loved one, and I get
it.
I didn't want to lie to my mom.
You don't want to lie to yourloved one, and I get it.
I didn't want to lie to my mom,but I kind of really wasn't
lying to her.
She didn't understand anyway.
Because, think about it, why isit so important that a person
(08:22):
with dementia know they havedementia?
Because it isn't about theperson who has dementia, it's
about the caregiver.
It's about the caregiver'sfeelings, it's not about the
person with dementia.
Because they don't understand.
Now, most of the family membersthat I met when my mom was at
her memory care facility anexample of this is they didn't
(08:45):
tell their family member theywere entering memory care.
Why?
Because it would have upsetthem too much.
Yeah, so we all lied, but itwasn't a lie that hurt them, it
helped them, it kept them safe.
So, like my mom, after a fewdays she thought she didn't even
remember that she didn't livein memory care anymore.
(09:06):
She thought she was at hergrandma's house.
Some of the residents thoughtthey were back in college.
Some thought they were in abuilding their employer bought
for them.
That's even how they thatfamily member got them there.
So you see, it didn't hurt themand it made them happy and made
them feel safe.
So you have to think about itfrom their point of view.
(09:30):
To think about it from theirpoint of view.
And what's hard is, and what I'mtrying to say, is that talking
with a person who has dementiais being in the present moment
with them, because a person withdementia only has the present
moment.
They don't remember the fewminutes before and they don't
think about the few minuteslater.
So if you're trying to tellthem, oh, we got to do this,
(09:55):
this, this and this today,they're going to ask you what do
we have to do again today?
Where do we have to go againtoday?
So then you're going to getangry because you're going to
say I told you this, but theyreally don't remember because
their short-term memory is gone.
So make it easy on yourself.
(10:15):
Making a person with dementiabe in our world, in my opinion,
is cruel.
I understand wanting to hang onto our loved one as we knew
them Believe me, I do but youhave to go on this journey with
them.
You have to meet them wherethey are, and every person with
(10:36):
dementia goes on the journeydifferently, but they share
similar stories A lot of times,as you talk with other family
members who have their lovedones who have dementia or had
dementia, you'll hear how theythought that their family
members were stealing money fromthem or their significant other
was cheating on them.
(10:58):
It's okay to find a story thatcalms them down.
My mom she believed that my dadwas stealing all her money.
My dad even wrote out thingsfor her to see where all the
money was, and I would show thatto her too, but that never
seemed to calm her down.
She was convinced he wasstealing all her money.
Finally, I said to her one dayI said you know what, mom, don't
(11:20):
worry about it, I can get yourmoney and she's like you can.
And I said yeah.
I said I live across straightfrom the bank.
I said and me and Annie, herlittle dog, annie, who was her
whole world.
I said and me and Annie, herlittle dog, annie, who was her
whole world.
I said Annie and I will go overto the bank and we will get
your money for you whenever youneed it, and she's like you will
(11:43):
.
And I said yes, and that calmedher down every single time.
So it's okay to find a storythat calms them.
I mean I could have went on andon and argued with my mom and
said, oh, my dad's not stealingthat money, he's not.
And that just would agitate herand get her more upset, I guess
for me.
I realized I couldn't cure mymom.
(12:05):
There was nothing I could do.
Dementia was never going to beover, it was never going to be
cured.
But all my mom ever wanted wasshe wanted to have peace in her
life.
So I decided my goal was togive her peace because that was
all I could give her.
I couldn't stop what was goingon in her brain.
(12:28):
I couldn't stop what was goingon in her body, but I could try
to give her peace when I waswith her and keep her safe.
Now, it wasn't always easy whenshe got agitated or upset, but
I would do my best to redirecther, to calm her down.
Some days it was easier thanothers, but but I just wanted
her to feel safe and feel peace.
(12:50):
And I realize that what I'msaying is not easy.
But I found, looking back nowespecially it's been over a year
since my mom passed and eventhough I still miss her every
day I realize that I was gladthat I took that approach
because I had those moments withher, glad that I took that
(13:12):
approach because I had thosemoments with her.
I still think about I miss her.
You know, going and visiting herat memory care and, yes, I had
to calm her down several timesand sometimes it took me an hour
, but I would always tell her itwas okay, and sometimes she'd
grab my hand and she'd be almostcrying and she'd be like don't
leave me, don't leave me, helpme.
(13:33):
And I would help her and I tellher I'm not leaving you, it's
okay, I'm all right, I'llprotect you.
And it would slowly calm herdown and sometimes I would
redirect her.
Sometimes, you know, shecarried a baby around.
That made her feel safe.
So I'd always make sure she hadher baby or something else.
Or maybe I'd put something onTV or play music, or sometimes I
(13:56):
just sat with her and told herit was going to be okay, I was
here and she was safe, becausethat's what she always said to
me.
And so I can't express thisenough when you are caregiving
for a person with dementia andyeah, sometimes they do get
aggressive and agitated, but youhave to think about it from
(14:21):
their point of view, think abouthow scary that is, that you no
longer know that.
Your world is so foreign to youyou don't know how to do
anything anymore and they'relooking for someone to tell them
it's safe, just like a toddler,just like a baby.
That's why a lot of times theydo go back and they look for
(14:43):
their parents, even when theirparents are dead.
And my mom would ask for hermom.
But I never said to her well,your mom is dead.
I didn't say that to her.
I'd be like, oh, all right,I'll call your mom.
And sometimes I thought, oh,who could I call?
That'll tell her it's her mom,because what harm would it do?
She wasn't going to rememberanyway.
So I cannot urge you enough to.
(15:06):
When you're with that care,you're with your loved one, and
I realize it's very hard whenyou take care of a loved one 24
hours a day.
But think about it from theirpoint of view.
I don't want to say have funwith it, but sometimes people
with dementia say the funniestthings and sometimes you just go
along with their story.
What harm does it do?
(15:27):
As long as they're safe andthey're in the house and they're
protected, what difference doesit make if you know, as long as
they're safe and they're in thehouse and they're protected.
What difference does it make ifthey're telling you so-and-so
came, so what Say they did, whatthey look like?
You know, sometimes I had thebest conversations with my mom
when she was telling me stuffthat I knew wasn't true.
But I was able to be with herin that present moment and I do.
(15:54):
I cherish those memories nowbecause she wasn't aggravated
and I do, like I said, it makesme angry and it upsets me when I
know people that they're takingcare of family members who have
dementia and it's so importantto them that their family member
understand this and they know.
They know this.
No, they really don't.
(16:14):
So you're creating all thisdrama and all this anxiety and
all these feelings when it comesdown to the caregiver being
able to accept that your lovedone has dementia and you're
grieving for them in that moment, even though they're still
(16:35):
alive, and you're taking care ofthem.
And that's really, really hard.
It's very hard.
Again, I'm not saying any ofthis is easy, but if you can
remember and again, there's lotsof different tips on the
Alzheimer's Association websiteAgree, don't argue, especially
(16:58):
if it's about something so sillyand if your loved one really
won't go somewhere, then don'tgo.
You have to make adjustments.
They are no longer in the sameworld as you.
You have to enter their worldand so if others don't
(17:18):
understand or they don't like it, well, you're taking care of
your loved one, and if it'sgoing to be too much for that
person to go, then they don't go.
They're sick.
It's no different than if aperson had cancer.
But people look at dementiadifferently and for some reason
(17:39):
they force the person withdementia to do things that
really just you know.
They can't handle crowds andthings like that and that's why
they can get agitated.
So as you begin this journeyand as you're communicating,
think about it from their pointof view.
Think about how scary that mustbe, and if you can think about
(18:04):
it like that and try to agreewith them again, as long as
their safety's first.
And sometimes she can have somefun, like I said, the example
with the bank.
I always calmed her down.
I'm like Annie and I, me andthe dog we'll just go to the
bank and we'll get your moneyout, and she's like you will.
I said, yes, we will, and thatmade her feel better, probably
(18:27):
because she knew I was agreeingwith her, probably because she
knew I was agreeing with her.
And again, what differencewould it make if I would have
kept arguing with her that mydad wasn't stealing the money?
I knew my dad wasn't stealingthe money.
My dad knew he wasn't stealingthe money.
And it calmed my mom down, itmade her feel safe that somebody
was listening to her.
(18:49):
So I want you to think aboutthose things when you're talking
to the person with dementiaBecause, again, they're in a
very scary world.
So agree with them, enter theirworld.
Don't make them enter the realworld, because they're not there
anymore and it's very hard as acaregiver to accept that.
So I want I'm going to talkmore about communicating with
(19:12):
people with person with dementiahere at Patty's Place.
I would love to hear from you.
Please send me an email ifyou'd like.
If you go on to, if you'relistening, I accept emails from
there to talk about anyquestions.
If there's things you want meto talk about, questions you
want me to answer.
If I don't have the answer, Iwill find the answer for you.
(19:33):
I'll do my best for it.
Like I said, I want this to bea place of comfort, a place
where you can find what you'relooking for.
At least know that you're notalone when you're dealing with
grief or dementia and caregiving, that there's somebody here
that listens and understandswith it, because dementia is
very, very, very difficult, andso is grief, and so is
(19:55):
caregiving for it.
So please reach out.
I'd love to hear from you as wetalk about it.
So I hope you enjoyed thisedition of Patty's Place.
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed yourcup of tea, your cup of coffee
or a glass of wine, and I willsee you next time right here on
Patty's Place.
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