May 26, 2025 • 27 mins
I would love to hear from you. Send me questions or comments.
What happens when someone you love starts seeing people who aren't there? For dementia caregivers, this moment can be jarring, confusing, and even frightening. But as I discovered during my mother's journey with dementia, these hallucinations can sometimes bring unexpected comfort.
When my mom first began seeing a little girl with red hair, I recognized she was connecting with her cousin who had died at age 11. Later, she spoke with her brother who had passed just a year before—someone we deliberately never told her had died to spare her from repeatedly experiencing that grief. Rather than correcting her, I asked questions and joined her reality. "What are they saying?" I'd ask, or "Isn't it nice they came to visit?" This approach preserved her dignity and the comfort these connections brought her.
Before assuming hallucinations are simply symptoms of advancing dementia, caregivers should consult healthcare providers to rule out urinary tract infections, medication side effects, or other physical causes. Once medical issues are addressed, the key challenge becomes how to respond compassionately. Rather than arguing about what's "real," successful approaches include validating feelings, offering reassurance, redirecting attention if needed, and making environmental modifications like improving lighting or covering mirrors that might trigger confusing reflections.
For many with dementia, seeing departed loved ones isn't frightening—it's comforting. My mother found peace in these connections, and that brought me peace too. By entering her world rather than demanding she enter mine, we created moments of genuine connection despite the progression of her illness. Perhaps the greatest lesson dementia teaches us is to be present in the moment, just as our loved ones are forced to be. Years later, I'm grateful for the times I set aside my need to correct and simply joined my mother where she was.
If you're navigating this complex journey of caregiving, know you're not alone. Sometimes the most profound gift we can give is simply meeting our loved ones in their reality, whatever that might be today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where we're going
to talk about grief, dementiaand caregiving.
I do this podcast in honor ofmy mom who passed away from
dementia, and I just want to beable to share these things with
you that I've learned.
By all means, I'm not an expert, but I like to share my
experiences and let you knowthat you're not alone, that
(00:33):
there are other, that peopleunderstand and we're here, and
so pull up a cup of tea and acup of coffee or, if you've had
a really rough day, maybe aglass of wine, and just sit back
and relax and see what we cando and at least you find some
comfort.
Hopefully that's my goal withall of this that you find some
comfort and know you're notalone.
Today I wanted to talk aboutfocus on dementia, but kind of
(01:01):
it could be scary, it could becomforting this part of when
your loved one starts to seehallucinations or feel
hallucinations.
It can kind of be I don't evenknow what the right word is when
my mom first started seeingpeople that weren't there, or
even sometimes she had smellsthat I didn't smell but she did,
(01:25):
and at first it kind of throwsyou for a loop with it.
I remember the one time my momsaid she was smelling roses, and
I didn't smell any roses, but Iremember my mom had told me
that right before her mom hadpassed her mom, my grandma, had
(01:46):
smelled roses.
So it it like stopped me in mytracks for a few minutes because
I remembered that and I waslike oh okay, you know.
And then another time, one ofthe first times that she started
to see people that weren'tthere, she said don't you see
the little girl with the redhair?
And we were in the hallway andthere wasn't any little girl
(02:10):
with red hair.
But why it stopped me in thetracks was because my mom's
cousin had passed away when shewas only 11 and they were super
close, they were more likesisters, they were inseparable,
and her cousin had red hair.
And so I knew right then, andthere that's, who she thought
she was seeing was her cousin.
(02:31):
And I even asked her at onepoint what was the little girl's
name, and she told me the namewas her cousin's name.
And I, instead of arguing withher, I just was like, oh okay,
that's nice, you know.
And sometimes there's otherreasons.
(02:52):
The first thing you probablywant to do if it kind of starts
out of the blue for it.
You might want to take them tothe doctor or have the doctor
check them, because sometimesthey could have a UTI and for
some reason especially withelderly women and it can be for
(03:14):
men too for some reason whenthey get a UTI it does make them
have hallucinations with it.
So you definitely want to getthat checked to make sure it's
not a physical reason for it.
You know you want to make surethat it's not medication, it's
not something physical that'scausing those types of
hallucinations with it.
(03:35):
Unfortunately, thehallucinations are another part
of dementia with it, and so youhave to kind of learn how do you
deal with it.
You know how do you face that?
You're like they can have wholeconversations and you're
(03:56):
sitting there and you're likewho in the world are they
talking to?
So I think it goes back tobeing able to enter their world.
It is hard because from myexperience with my mom, when she
really started to talk to andsee people and talk about them
(04:18):
it was towards the end of herjourney.
I can't say for sure thatthat's always what it means, but
in my mom's case it did.
My mom would say she saw herbrother.
She would talk about her momand her dad.
She would ask me when had Iseen her mom?
She would talk to her brotherlike he was there, and I knew he
(04:43):
wasn't.
And she would talk about herbrother like he was there and I
mean, I knew he wasn't in that.
And she would talk about hermom and her cousin and she would
have these full conversationswith them and I'd be right there
.
Now, I never took the approachof arguing with her and telling
her that they weren't there.
Sometimes I would ask her justto see what she'd say, cause
(05:04):
sometimes she didn't always namethe person.
She would just be like hi, youknow.
And I'm like, oh, who are youtalking to?
And you know she'd say, oh, I'mover there, you know.
And I would sometimes ask herwhat did they look like or what
were they saying, and thingslike that.
And sometimes I just wanted tohear what she'd say.
Like, you know, describe them.
(05:26):
One time this was really reallytowards the end and she, she was
like, don't you see all themover there?
There's like 30 of them.
And I was like are they the weepeople?
Like no, I was like are wetalking about little fairies?
What are we talking about, youknow?
And she's like, no, aren't theycute over there?
And I was like, yeah, they'rereally cute.
She also would start um, she,it looked like she was petting,
(05:53):
you know.
She kept moving her arm andmoving down like she was petting
a dog and there was nothingthere.
So in my mind I would say toher oh, is that Annie?
Is that Vegas?
Those were our dogs that we had, because that's what she looked
like she was doing.
She looked like she was pettingthose dogs and I know they both
(06:14):
would have given her comfort.
So whether that's what shereally thought she was doing or
not, I don't know.
So you know, it can be reallyupsetting if, all of a sudden,
you see this person, you knowyou're talking, you're talking
to them and they start talkingto you about people that aren't
there.
It can be really scary, it canbe really upsetting and it's
(06:41):
hard, because dementia is hardin and of itself.
With it, you know, you'realready trying to accept the
fact that, yes, it's your lovedone, but they're also not your
loved one, you know, especiallywhen they ask well, who are you,
what's your name?
And now they're talking topeople that aren't there and a
lot of times, like I said, atleast in my mom's case and that
(07:04):
they talk to family members orpeople that have passed and that
can be upsetting too for you,because maybe you really miss
that person, you know and you'relike, how are they talking to
them?
Right, well, they could be.
You know, there's that signthat you know as it gets closer.
(07:25):
It brought me comfort and Icould tell it brought my mom
comfort to say she was talkingto her cousin or her brother or
her mom.
It brought her comfort.
So that brought me comfortbecause she felt comforting.
Now there also could behallucinations where maybe
they're afraid.
Luckily my mom didn'texperience that, you know, and
(07:50):
I'm grateful for that.
So again, when your loved one isexperiencing hallucinations and
you can look this up too aswell on the Alzheimer's website
too it's another situation wheredon't argue with them, agree
with them.
If you argue with them, you'rejust going to agitate, escalate
(08:12):
the situation and it's going tomake it worse.
I mean, on one hand, whatdifference does it make if they
say they're seeing their mom, ifit brings them comfort?
Again, it goes back to us asthe caregiver, because it's
about our feelings and our factthat we have to accept that this
(08:33):
person is going farther down inthe dementia cycle and maybe
even being close to death, andthat is really, really hard it
is.
There's no easy way about itand, again, in my experience
it's being able to step outsideyourself and not think about
(08:57):
your feelings in that moment andbe with your loved one who has
dementia and enter their world.
Now it's not easy, especiallyif you're a 24-hour caregiver.
You know it's hard.
So if you can take that momentand be like, okay, they say
(09:20):
they're talking to so-and-so,and it could even be somebody
that you don't recognize either.
But I guess sometimes I had funwith it, for lack of a better
word.
I just a lot of times wanted tohear what my mom would say with
things.
And one of the oddest thingsthat my mom was her brother
(09:42):
passed away while she was sick.
We never told my mom that hewas sick because we didn't want
to upset her and she wouldn'thave remembered.
So we would have to you knowwhy make her relive that over
and over again.
And he passed about a yearbefore she did and we never told
her because, again, we didn'twant to upset her and then she'd
have to relive it over and overagain, told her because again,
(10:04):
we didn't want to upset her andthen she'd have to relive it
over and over again.
But she knew and she would say,oh yeah, there's my brother,
you know, and she'd say hi tohim and everything.
I'd be like, oh okay, that'snice.
So I think on some level shereally did see him and she knew
that he had passed, even thoughwe never told her with those
things.
So again it goes back to beingin their world, which is really
(10:30):
hard, because a lot of times wehave that tendency we want to
correct our loved ones and say,no, no, no, it's this, no,
they're not there, what are youseeing?
But take a moment and thinkabout it and be like, okay, they
say they're seeing so-and-soand then look at it and say are
(10:51):
they comforted by this or arethey afraid?
You know and think about it,are they scared?
Are they?
You know how do they feel whenthey're talking about and saying
that there's someone there thatyou know isn't there.
So you definitely want to givethem reassurance, you want to
(11:14):
remain calm, even though itmight be hard for you, and you
want to be supportive If they'rescared.
You might want to say thingslike don't worry, I'm here, I'll
protect you, I'll take care ofyou, and maybe you might even
(11:37):
try to turn their attentiontowards you so that can reduce
the hallucination if they'rescared.
You really want to acknowledgethe feelings behind the
hallucination and try to findout what the hallucination means
to the individual.
You might say things like itsounds as if you're worried or I
know this is frightening foryou if they're scared.
Like I said, fortunately for me, my mom was never afraid with
(12:01):
her hallucinations.
I felt that she found comfortbecause at least when I was
there, when she shared thosewith me, it was all people that
she loved.
They were all family membersthat she loved and she felt
comforted being around them.
So I was lucky, she was neverafraid.
(12:23):
You also might want to try adistraction if they're scared or
if, honestly, if you don't knowhow to handle it, maybe try a
distraction.
Maybe try to get them to go fora walk or move to another room.
A lot of times they say too ifthey're frightened, the
frightened hallucinations a lotof times will subside if you,
(12:45):
they're frightened, thefrightened hallucinations a lot
of times will subside if you gointo a well-lit area or where
there's other people around.
You could try that to see whatworks, see what you can do to
redirect, because with dementia,whether it's hallucinations or
not, it's always you have toredirect Because, again,
remember, they're going toforget in a few minutes and they
(13:06):
may ask you the same thing orthey may move on to something
else.
So hallucinations are the sameway, they're not going to stay
forever.
So you can redirect with them.
Or maybe you try to get theirattention, maybe you start
playing the music they like orhave a conversation or you bring
(13:26):
in some activities that theylike to do.
So again, it distracts them, itredirects them.
So the other thing, too, is youreally want to be honest, but
it's also in the way you respondhonestly.
If your loved one asks youabout the hallucination or the
delusion, be honest.
If they say do you see them,you might want to answer I know
(13:51):
you see something, but I don't.
This way you're not denyingwhat they see or hear, but
you're avoiding an argument withit and you know you might also.
You might also say you see it,if you want to, you know, or
just be like oh yeah, becauseagain you're not hurting the
(14:14):
person and I know it's reallyhard as a dementia caregiver
because we're used to justtelling people the truth.
And it's hard because indementia you have to enter their
world and their world isdifferent.
It's completely different thanthe reality that you see every
(14:37):
single day.
So it's hard to break thattendency to always tell your
loved one no, it's this, thisand this, it's X, y, z, what are
you talking about?
But think about it from theirpoint of view, even with the
hallucinations.
How are they feeling?
Enter their world.
Try to be calm.
(14:58):
It's not easy.
If they're frightened, you wantto comfort them.
Try to redirect them.
Try to find out why they'rescared about it.
In that moment, give themsomething else to do.
Maybe, if they feel comfortedby it, then you can have that
conversation with them.
You might too, especially ifthey're scared by the
(15:22):
hallucination.
Maybe you try to modify theenvironment.
Maybe you can check for sounds.
Maybe it's a noise coming froma television or an air
conditioner or something likethat.
Maybe it's some lighting thatyou can change.
Maybe that's what it is.
It looks like a shadow or areflection, so maybe you can fix
that.
Maybe you need to cover themirrors with a cloth or
(15:44):
something.
And then, because think aboutit, maybe when they're looking
in the mirror they think it's astranger, and it's them.
So if you have to cover amirror, cover a mirror.
What difference does it make,you know?
So what if the mirror's covered?
If it makes them calm down andthey feel better.
Well, that makes it easier onyou with the with the
hallucinations.
(16:06):
For me, like I said with my mom,she found comfort in her
hallucinations because they wereall family members that she
loved and so I think for me, inan odd way, it gave me comfort.
I think I knew she was.
It was really close to the endand I think I found comfort
(16:27):
because I felt like they werethere with her and she, you know
, they were helping her along onher journey.
So I never was scared.
I never argued with her aboutit.
It made me feel good andcomforted.
Even, like I said, she lookedlike she was petting her dogs,
our dogs, and I even joked withher about it and I was like,
(16:50):
yeah, they probably are layingthere on the bed with her,
comforting her with that.
So for me it was never anythingthat I was scared about.
I know I would say things toother people about it, you know,
and some people responded okay.
Other people, I could tell itupset them, they didn't know how
to handle it.
(17:11):
Like what do you mean?
She's seeing so-and-so for it.
So again, when you're dealingwith dementia, it's thinking
about how you're feeling with itand again it is not easy to
take yourself out of it andthink about it from the person
(17:32):
with dementia's point of view.
It isn't, it isn't easy toenter their world, especially
when they say they're seeingthings that aren't there.
But it goes back to the same.
So think about it when youenter their world.
If they say the sky is green,does it really make a difference
(17:53):
to argue with them and say no,the sky is blue.
And now you've agitated themand now they're all upset and
now you've escalated thesituation.
Did it really matter that youwere right?
So sometimes you have to stopand you have to think about
those things.
When you're dealing with aperson with dementia and it's
(18:15):
the same as with thehallucinations, and again that
can be really scary, you know,especially you know everyone
feels differently about that.
You know some people do findcomfort thinking that you know a
family member has come back andyour loved one with dementia
sees them.
Some people like myself I foundcomfort with that with my mom
(18:39):
Other people that might be likereally a very scary thing.
It might be something whereyou're like, no, I can't deal
with this, I cannot handle this,no, I can't do it.
And so, therefore, you lash outat your loved one with dementia
saying, no, they're not there,how could you see this?
And you get angry.
And if you do, it's okay.
(19:00):
You need to forgive yourself,but then try to redirect the
next time, because a lot oftimes, if they see it once,
they're probably going to see itagain.
And try to.
The one thing about dementiathat it teaches you is that you
have to be in the moment.
Because they're in the moment,five minutes from now, five
seconds from now, they're goingto forget what they just did.
(19:22):
So they're always in the moment.
And that's one thing thatdementia can teach all of us is
to be in the moment at times andnot think about what comes next
or what you have to do next.
Just be there with that person,because you're going to look
back on it and think about thosetimes that you were with them
(19:45):
in those moments and hopefullyyou feel peaceful that you were
there and you weren't thinkingabout all the other things you
had to do.
Now, we're not perfect andthere's always going to be days
that you know we are thinkingabout those things.
But when it comes to thehallucinations, you really need
to think about how do you feelabout those things?
(20:08):
And maybe your loved one isn'tseeing them yet, but there's a
good chance that they will.
It's a pretty common experience.
There's lots of informationabout it on the Alzheimer's
website with that.
So think about how are you goingto handle that?
What are you going to do?
You know what are you going tosay.
(20:29):
Are you going to be angry withthem and then think about why
are you angry?
Is it because they're seeingsomeone?
Or is it because you know it'scoming close to the end?
Or maybe you just don't evenknow.
Again, you might.
First thing you want to do isyou want to look at and get some
medical advice to make surethat it isn't something physical
(20:51):
that's causing those delusionsor hallucinations with them.
But, like I said, the mostimportant thing is try to be
calm.
Think about it.
Think about how can you respondin a calm, caring manner to
your loved one.
How are you going to do that.
(21:12):
How can you calm them down?
Are they frightened or do theyfind comfort?
Are they laughing?
My mom laughed a lot of thetimes and it brought her joy
when she talked about seeing thefamily members.
So, like I said, I was reallylucky.
She felt comforted by it, so Ithink that's probably why I felt
comforted by it.
So when you're in thosesituations, are they talking?
(21:34):
Who are they talking to?
Are they happy?
Well, if they're happy, thenwhy steal that five minutes from
them?
If they're happy, just be likeoh, that's really nice that they
came to see you.
What did they have to say?
You know, it's the same thingwhen my mom would ask me had I
seen her mother, my grandma?
(21:55):
And sometimes I'd say, yeah,I've seen her, or oh, I'm sure
we'll find her soon, don't worry, you know those different
things I would tell her.
And so, again, it's steppinginto their world.
It's trying to be calm for themand when they start to have
(22:16):
those hallucinations, are theyfrightened?
Do they feel comforted by it?
If they're frightened, try toredirect them and maybe play
some music for them or bringthem to a different room or find
different things.
Let them know that they're safe.
They're safe with you andthat's what's important.
(22:38):
They should always have someonethat they feel safe with and
maybe, if you are that personthat they feel safe with, maybe
that's why they're sharing thatthey're having that they feel
so-and-so has come to visit them.
So it's important that theyfeel safe and they feel
comforted with it.
Now, it doesn't mean that maybewhen you leave the room that
(23:03):
you break down and cry and belike, oh my God, they're seeing
so-and-so.
That's okay.
It's okay if you need to dothat, but let them have that
moment.
If you need to do that, but letthem have that moment.
And if they're frightened, tryto calm them down and try to
help them.
Say you know, all right, if theperson's coming through by the
mirror, then throw something upon the mirror so they don't see
(23:25):
it.
It's the least that you can dofor them when you're doing it.
And again, hallucinations arescary.
They are especially the firsttime, first couple times that
they start to tell you that theysee people and things that
aren't there.
And it is.
It's not that they're out oftheir mind, it's just part of
(23:49):
dementia.
You know, dementia is so.
Dementia is so complex.
There's so many different partsto it that it's just one more
part.
And so, again, the moreknowledge you have, the more
places that you find informationto help you guide you.
(24:11):
That's what helps findinformation to help you guide
you.
That's what helps to help youfind those tools, because it is
not an easy disease, it justisn't.
It's a very difficult diseaseto deal with and hallucinations
are just another part of it.
And think about how will youhandle it.
(24:33):
And, like I said, in my case, Idon't know.
I guess I just I was curious.
You know, my mom would say thatthis person was here or that
person was there.
I like would ask her oh, whatdo they look like?
What are they doing?
Oh, that's nice that they'reover there.
Like, I guess I was fascinatedby it, to be perfectly honest,
(24:56):
and I believe that she saw themand maybe I believed it because
it comforted me, but I don'tknow.
I just found it veryfascinating.
I wasn't scared by it, andthat's just me, and so I think
that's why it was easier for meto handle that.
I just a lot of times wanted tohear what she'd say and who it
(25:18):
was and what was going on.
I just found it veryfascinating and I I believe that
they were there with herthrough the whole time, even
with me, especially towards theend, and it brought me comfort.
(25:38):
And so it's just something thatyou're going to have to figure
out what works best for you withit, and hopefully they're not
scared, but they might be, andso you need to reassure them and
be that safe place for themwhen these things happen.
It's not always an easy thingto do, but you can do it.
(25:59):
Enter their world.
It's no different than handlinganything else with dementia.
Enter their world, agree,redirect them, try to stay calm.
You know, and if you have towalk out of the room for a
minute and break down and thencome back, that's okay too.
It's okay.
(26:19):
And try to figure out how toredirect them and how to calm
them down is the best thing thatyou can do when you're dealing
with hallucinations with that.
Dealing with hallucinations withthat and hopefully you might
have that good experience, likeI did with my mom, and find
comfort in it.
You know, like I said, shefound comfort knowing that her
(26:44):
loved ones were there and thatbrought me comfort.
So I hope this helped today.
It's not an easy subject totalk about, but hopefully you
found some kind of tools thatcan help or at least give you
some ideas of what you can do ifyour loved one is experiencing
hallucinations or to think aboutthe future if they do do that,
(27:09):
and you can get some tools goingfor yourself with it so you
know how to handle it when itdoes happen for yourself.
So hopefully you've enjoyedyour cup of tea or your cup of
coffee or a glass of wine, ifthat's what you needed today.
Hopefully you found somecomfort and you didn't feel so
alone with this journey for that.
(27:32):
So I will be back next time onPatty's Place, and so thank you
again for joining me right hereon Patty's Place.
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where we're going
to talk about grief, dementiaand caregiving.
I do this podcast in honor ofmy mom who passed away from
dementia, and I just want to beable to share these things with
you that I've learned.
By all means, I'm not an expert, but I like to share my
experiences and let you knowthat you're not alone, that
(00:33):
there are other, that peopleunderstand and we're here, and
so pull up a cup of tea and acup of coffee or, if you've had
a really rough day, maybe aglass of wine, and just sit back
and relax and see what we cando and at least you find some
comfort.
Hopefully that's my goal withall of this that you find some
comfort and know you're notalone.
Today I wanted to talk aboutfocus on dementia, but kind of
(01:01):
it could be scary, it could becomforting this part of when
your loved one starts to seehallucinations or feel
hallucinations.
It can kind of be I don't evenknow what the right word is when
my mom first started seeingpeople that weren't there, or
even sometimes she had smellsthat I didn't smell but she did,
(01:25):
and at first it kind of throwsyou for a loop with it.
I remember the one time my momsaid she was smelling roses, and
I didn't smell any roses, but Iremember my mom had told me
that right before her mom hadpassed her mom, my grandma, had
(01:46):
smelled roses.
So it it like stopped me in mytracks for a few minutes because
I remembered that and I waslike oh okay, you know.
And then another time, one ofthe first times that she started
to see people that weren'tthere, she said don't you see
the little girl with the redhair?
And we were in the hallway andthere wasn't any little girl
(02:10):
with red hair.
But why it stopped me in thetracks was because my mom's
cousin had passed away when shewas only 11 and they were super
close, they were more likesisters, they were inseparable,
and her cousin had red hair.
And so I knew right then, andthere that's, who she thought
she was seeing was her cousin.
(02:31):
And I even asked her at onepoint what was the little girl's
name, and she told me the namewas her cousin's name.
And I, instead of arguing withher, I just was like, oh okay,
that's nice, you know.
And sometimes there's otherreasons.
(02:52):
The first thing you probablywant to do if it kind of starts
out of the blue for it.
You might want to take them tothe doctor or have the doctor
check them, because sometimesthey could have a UTI and for
some reason especially withelderly women and it can be for
(03:14):
men too for some reason whenthey get a UTI it does make them
have hallucinations with it.
So you definitely want to getthat checked to make sure it's
not a physical reason for it.
You know you want to make surethat it's not medication, it's
not something physical that'scausing those types of
hallucinations with it.
(03:35):
Unfortunately, thehallucinations are another part
of dementia with it, and so youhave to kind of learn how do you
deal with it.
You know how do you face that?
You're like they can have wholeconversations and you're
(03:56):
sitting there and you're likewho in the world are they
talking to?
So I think it goes back tobeing able to enter their world.
It is hard because from myexperience with my mom, when she
really started to talk to andsee people and talk about them
(04:18):
it was towards the end of herjourney.
I can't say for sure thatthat's always what it means, but
in my mom's case it did.
My mom would say she saw herbrother.
She would talk about her momand her dad.
She would ask me when had Iseen her mom?
She would talk to her brotherlike he was there, and I knew he
(04:43):
wasn't.
And she would talk about herbrother like he was there and I
mean, I knew he wasn't in that.
And she would talk about hermom and her cousin and she would
have these full conversationswith them and I'd be right there
.
Now, I never took the approachof arguing with her and telling
her that they weren't there.
Sometimes I would ask her justto see what she'd say, cause
(05:04):
sometimes she didn't always namethe person.
She would just be like hi, youknow.
And I'm like, oh, who are youtalking to?
And you know she'd say, oh, I'mover there, you know.
And I would sometimes ask herwhat did they look like or what
were they saying, and thingslike that.
And sometimes I just wanted tohear what she'd say.
Like, you know, describe them.
(05:26):
One time this was really reallytowards the end and she, she was
like, don't you see all themover there?
There's like 30 of them.
And I was like are they the weepeople?
Like no, I was like are wetalking about little fairies?
What are we talking about, youknow?
And she's like, no, aren't theycute over there?
And I was like, yeah, they'rereally cute.
She also would start um, she,it looked like she was petting,
(05:53):
you know.
She kept moving her arm andmoving down like she was petting
a dog and there was nothingthere.
So in my mind I would say toher oh, is that Annie?
Is that Vegas?
Those were our dogs that we had, because that's what she looked
like she was doing.
She looked like she was pettingthose dogs and I know they both
(06:14):
would have given her comfort.
So whether that's what shereally thought she was doing or
not, I don't know.
So you know, it can be reallyupsetting if, all of a sudden,
you see this person, you knowyou're talking, you're talking
to them and they start talkingto you about people that aren't
there.
It can be really scary, it canbe really upsetting and it's
(06:41):
hard, because dementia is hardin and of itself.
With it, you know, you'realready trying to accept the
fact that, yes, it's your lovedone, but they're also not your
loved one, you know, especiallywhen they ask well, who are you,
what's your name?
And now they're talking topeople that aren't there and a
lot of times, like I said, atleast in my mom's case and that
(07:04):
they talk to family members orpeople that have passed and that
can be upsetting too for you,because maybe you really miss
that person, you know and you'relike, how are they talking to
them?
Right, well, they could be.
You know, there's that signthat you know as it gets closer.
(07:25):
It brought me comfort and Icould tell it brought my mom
comfort to say she was talkingto her cousin or her brother or
her mom.
It brought her comfort.
So that brought me comfortbecause she felt comforting.
Now there also could behallucinations where maybe
they're afraid.
Luckily my mom didn'texperience that, you know, and
(07:50):
I'm grateful for that.
So again, when your loved one isexperiencing hallucinations and
you can look this up too aswell on the Alzheimer's website
too it's another situation wheredon't argue with them, agree
with them.
If you argue with them, you'rejust going to agitate, escalate
(08:12):
the situation and it's going tomake it worse.
I mean, on one hand, whatdifference does it make if they
say they're seeing their mom, ifit brings them comfort?
Again, it goes back to us asthe caregiver, because it's
about our feelings and our factthat we have to accept that this
(08:33):
person is going farther down inthe dementia cycle and maybe
even being close to death, andthat is really, really hard it
is.
There's no easy way about itand, again, in my experience
it's being able to step outsideyourself and not think about
(08:57):
your feelings in that moment andbe with your loved one who has
dementia and enter their world.
Now it's not easy, especiallyif you're a 24-hour caregiver.
You know it's hard.
So if you can take that momentand be like, okay, they say
(09:20):
they're talking to so-and-so,and it could even be somebody
that you don't recognize either.
But I guess sometimes I had funwith it, for lack of a better
word.
I just a lot of times wanted tohear what my mom would say with
things.
And one of the oddest thingsthat my mom was her brother
(09:42):
passed away while she was sick.
We never told my mom that hewas sick because we didn't want
to upset her and she wouldn'thave remembered.
So we would have to you knowwhy make her relive that over
and over again.
And he passed about a yearbefore she did and we never told
her because, again, we didn'twant to upset her and then she'd
have to relive it over and overagain, told her because again,
(10:04):
we didn't want to upset her andthen she'd have to relive it
over and over again.
But she knew and she would say,oh yeah, there's my brother,
you know, and she'd say hi tohim and everything.
I'd be like, oh okay, that'snice.
So I think on some level shereally did see him and she knew
that he had passed, even thoughwe never told her with those
things.
So again it goes back to beingin their world, which is really
(10:30):
hard, because a lot of times wehave that tendency we want to
correct our loved ones and say,no, no, no, it's this, no,
they're not there, what are youseeing?
But take a moment and thinkabout it and be like, okay, they
say they're seeing so-and-soand then look at it and say are
(10:51):
they comforted by this or arethey afraid?
You know and think about it,are they scared?
Are they?
You know how do they feel whenthey're talking about and saying
that there's someone there thatyou know isn't there.
So you definitely want to givethem reassurance, you want to
(11:14):
remain calm, even though itmight be hard for you, and you
want to be supportive If they'rescared.
You might want to say thingslike don't worry, I'm here, I'll
protect you, I'll take care ofyou, and maybe you might even
(11:37):
try to turn their attentiontowards you so that can reduce
the hallucination if they'rescared.
You really want to acknowledgethe feelings behind the
hallucination and try to findout what the hallucination means
to the individual.
You might say things like itsounds as if you're worried or I
know this is frightening foryou if they're scared.
Like I said, fortunately for me, my mom was never afraid with
(12:01):
her hallucinations.
I felt that she found comfortbecause at least when I was
there, when she shared thosewith me, it was all people that
she loved.
They were all family membersthat she loved and she felt
comforted being around them.
So I was lucky, she was neverafraid.
(12:23):
You also might want to try adistraction if they're scared or
if, honestly, if you don't knowhow to handle it, maybe try a
distraction.
Maybe try to get them to go fora walk or move to another room.
A lot of times they say too ifthey're frightened, the
frightened hallucinations a lotof times will subside if you,
(12:45):
they're frightened, thefrightened hallucinations a lot
of times will subside if you gointo a well-lit area or where
there's other people around.
You could try that to see whatworks, see what you can do to
redirect, because with dementia,whether it's hallucinations or
not, it's always you have toredirect Because, again,
remember, they're going toforget in a few minutes and they
(13:06):
may ask you the same thing orthey may move on to something
else.
So hallucinations are the sameway, they're not going to stay
forever.
So you can redirect with them.
Or maybe you try to get theirattention, maybe you start
playing the music they like orhave a conversation or you bring
(13:26):
in some activities that theylike to do.
So again, it distracts them, itredirects them.
So the other thing, too, is youreally want to be honest, but
it's also in the way you respondhonestly.
If your loved one asks youabout the hallucination or the
delusion, be honest.
If they say do you see them,you might want to answer I know
(13:51):
you see something, but I don't.
This way you're not denyingwhat they see or hear, but
you're avoiding an argument withit and you know you might also.
You might also say you see it,if you want to, you know, or
just be like oh yeah, becauseagain you're not hurting the
(14:14):
person and I know it's reallyhard as a dementia caregiver
because we're used to justtelling people the truth.
And it's hard because indementia you have to enter their
world and their world isdifferent.
It's completely different thanthe reality that you see every
(14:37):
single day.
So it's hard to break thattendency to always tell your
loved one no, it's this, thisand this, it's X, y, z, what are
you talking about?
But think about it from theirpoint of view, even with the
hallucinations.
How are they feeling?
Enter their world.
Try to be calm.
(14:58):
It's not easy.
If they're frightened, you wantto comfort them.
Try to redirect them.
Try to find out why they'rescared about it.
In that moment, give themsomething else to do.
Maybe, if they feel comfortedby it, then you can have that
conversation with them.
You might too, especially ifthey're scared by the
(15:22):
hallucination.
Maybe you try to modify theenvironment.
Maybe you can check for sounds.
Maybe it's a noise coming froma television or an air
conditioner or something likethat.
Maybe it's some lighting thatyou can change.
Maybe that's what it is.
It looks like a shadow or areflection, so maybe you can fix
that.
Maybe you need to cover themirrors with a cloth or
(15:44):
something.
And then, because think aboutit, maybe when they're looking
in the mirror they think it's astranger, and it's them.
So if you have to cover amirror, cover a mirror.
What difference does it make,you know?
So what if the mirror's covered?
If it makes them calm down andthey feel better.
Well, that makes it easier onyou with the with the
hallucinations.
(16:06):
For me, like I said with my mom,she found comfort in her
hallucinations because they wereall family members that she
loved and so I think for me, inan odd way, it gave me comfort.
I think I knew she was.
It was really close to the endand I think I found comfort
(16:27):
because I felt like they werethere with her and she, you know
, they were helping her along onher journey.
So I never was scared.
I never argued with her aboutit.
It made me feel good andcomforted.
Even, like I said, she lookedlike she was petting her dogs,
our dogs, and I even joked withher about it and I was like,
(16:50):
yeah, they probably are layingthere on the bed with her,
comforting her with that.
So for me it was never anythingthat I was scared about.
I know I would say things toother people about it, you know,
and some people responded okay.
Other people, I could tell itupset them, they didn't know how
to handle it.
(17:11):
Like what do you mean?
She's seeing so-and-so for it.
So again, when you're dealingwith dementia, it's thinking
about how you're feeling with itand again it is not easy to
take yourself out of it andthink about it from the person
(17:32):
with dementia's point of view.
It isn't, it isn't easy toenter their world, especially
when they say they're seeingthings that aren't there.
But it goes back to the same.
So think about it when youenter their world.
If they say the sky is green,does it really make a difference
(17:53):
to argue with them and say no,the sky is blue.
And now you've agitated themand now they're all upset and
now you've escalated thesituation.
Did it really matter that youwere right?
So sometimes you have to stopand you have to think about
those things.
When you're dealing with aperson with dementia and it's
(18:15):
the same as with thehallucinations, and again that
can be really scary, you know,especially you know everyone
feels differently about that.
You know some people do findcomfort thinking that you know a
family member has come back andyour loved one with dementia
sees them.
Some people like myself I foundcomfort with that with my mom
(18:39):
Other people that might be likereally a very scary thing.
It might be something whereyou're like, no, I can't deal
with this, I cannot handle this,no, I can't do it.
And so, therefore, you lash outat your loved one with dementia
saying, no, they're not there,how could you see this?
And you get angry.
And if you do, it's okay.
(19:00):
You need to forgive yourself,but then try to redirect the
next time, because a lot oftimes, if they see it once,
they're probably going to see itagain.
And try to.
The one thing about dementiathat it teaches you is that you
have to be in the moment.
Because they're in the moment,five minutes from now, five
seconds from now, they're goingto forget what they just did.
(19:22):
So they're always in the moment.
And that's one thing thatdementia can teach all of us is
to be in the moment at times andnot think about what comes next
or what you have to do next.
Just be there with that person,because you're going to look
back on it and think about thosetimes that you were with them
(19:45):
in those moments and hopefullyyou feel peaceful that you were
there and you weren't thinkingabout all the other things you
had to do.
Now, we're not perfect andthere's always going to be days
that you know we are thinkingabout those things.
But when it comes to thehallucinations, you really need
to think about how do you feelabout those things?
(20:08):
And maybe your loved one isn'tseeing them yet, but there's a
good chance that they will.
It's a pretty common experience.
There's lots of informationabout it on the Alzheimer's
website with that.
So think about how are you goingto handle that?
What are you going to do?
You know what are you going tosay.
(20:29):
Are you going to be angry withthem and then think about why
are you angry?
Is it because they're seeingsomeone?
Or is it because you know it'scoming close to the end?
Or maybe you just don't evenknow.
Again, you might.
First thing you want to do isyou want to look at and get some
medical advice to make surethat it isn't something physical
(20:51):
that's causing those delusionsor hallucinations with them.
But, like I said, the mostimportant thing is try to be
calm.
Think about it.
Think about how can you respondin a calm, caring manner to
your loved one.
How are you going to do that.
(21:12):
How can you calm them down?
Are they frightened or do theyfind comfort?
Are they laughing?
My mom laughed a lot of thetimes and it brought her joy
when she talked about seeing thefamily members.
So, like I said, I was reallylucky.
She felt comforted by it, so Ithink that's probably why I felt
comforted by it.
So when you're in thosesituations, are they talking?
(21:34):
Who are they talking to?
Are they happy?
Well, if they're happy, thenwhy steal that five minutes from
them?
If they're happy, just be likeoh, that's really nice that they
came to see you.
What did they have to say?
You know, it's the same thingwhen my mom would ask me had I
seen her mother, my grandma?
(21:55):
And sometimes I'd say, yeah,I've seen her, or oh, I'm sure
we'll find her soon, don't worry, you know those different
things I would tell her.
And so, again, it's steppinginto their world.
It's trying to be calm for themand when they start to have
(22:16):
those hallucinations, are theyfrightened?
Do they feel comforted by it?
If they're frightened, try toredirect them and maybe play
some music for them or bringthem to a different room or find
different things.
Let them know that they're safe.
They're safe with you andthat's what's important.
(22:38):
They should always have someonethat they feel safe with and
maybe, if you are that personthat they feel safe with, maybe
that's why they're sharing thatthey're having that they feel
so-and-so has come to visit them.
So it's important that theyfeel safe and they feel
comforted with it.
Now, it doesn't mean that maybewhen you leave the room that
(23:03):
you break down and cry and belike, oh my God, they're seeing
so-and-so.
That's okay.
It's okay if you need to dothat, but let them have that
moment.
If you need to do that, but letthem have that moment.
And if they're frightened, tryto calm them down and try to
help them.
Say you know, all right, if theperson's coming through by the
mirror, then throw something upon the mirror so they don't see
(23:25):
it.
It's the least that you can dofor them when you're doing it.
And again, hallucinations arescary.
They are especially the firsttime, first couple times that
they start to tell you that theysee people and things that
aren't there.
And it is.
It's not that they're out oftheir mind, it's just part of
(23:49):
dementia.
You know, dementia is so.
Dementia is so complex.
There's so many different partsto it that it's just one more
part.
And so, again, the moreknowledge you have, the more
places that you find informationto help you guide you.
(24:11):
That's what helps findinformation to help you guide
you.
That's what helps to help youfind those tools, because it is
not an easy disease, it justisn't.
It's a very difficult diseaseto deal with and hallucinations
are just another part of it.
And think about how will youhandle it.
(24:33):
And, like I said, in my case, Idon't know.
I guess I just I was curious.
You know, my mom would say thatthis person was here or that
person was there.
I like would ask her oh, whatdo they look like?
What are they doing?
Oh, that's nice that they'reover there.
Like, I guess I was fascinatedby it, to be perfectly honest,
(24:56):
and I believe that she saw themand maybe I believed it because
it comforted me, but I don'tknow.
I just found it veryfascinating.
I wasn't scared by it, andthat's just me, and so I think
that's why it was easier for meto handle that.
I just a lot of times wanted tohear what she'd say and who it
(25:18):
was and what was going on.
I just found it veryfascinating and I I believe that
they were there with herthrough the whole time, even
with me, especially towards theend, and it brought me comfort.
(25:38):
And so it's just something thatyou're going to have to figure
out what works best for you withit, and hopefully they're not
scared, but they might be, andso you need to reassure them and
be that safe place for themwhen these things happen.
It's not always an easy thingto do, but you can do it.
(25:59):
Enter their world.
It's no different than handlinganything else with dementia.
Enter their world, agree,redirect them, try to stay calm.
You know, and if you have towalk out of the room for a
minute and break down and thencome back, that's okay too.
It's okay.
(26:19):
And try to figure out how toredirect them and how to calm
them down is the best thing thatyou can do when you're dealing
with hallucinations with that.
Dealing with hallucinations withthat and hopefully you might
have that good experience, likeI did with my mom, and find
comfort in it.
You know, like I said, shefound comfort knowing that her
(26:44):
loved ones were there and thatbrought me comfort.
So I hope this helped today.
It's not an easy subject totalk about, but hopefully you
found some kind of tools thatcan help or at least give you
some ideas of what you can do ifyour loved one is experiencing
hallucinations or to think aboutthe future if they do do that,
(27:09):
and you can get some tools goingfor yourself with it so you
know how to handle it when itdoes happen for yourself.
So hopefully you've enjoyedyour cup of tea or your cup of
coffee or a glass of wine, ifthat's what you needed today.
Hopefully you found somecomfort and you didn't feel so
alone with this journey for that.
(27:32):
So I will be back next time onPatty's Place, and so thank you
again for joining me right hereon Patty's Place.
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