Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where we will
talk about grief, dementia andcaregiving.
So pull up a cup of tea, a cupof coffee or, if you're having a
really rough day, a glass ofwine and let's sit back and
listen and hopefully you'll findsome comfort.
My name is Lisa and, as I havesaid before, I lost my mom about
(00:38):
14 months ago from dementia andI've just learned so much about
grief going through the process, as well as what dementia is
and how to handle it, orbeginning to scratch the surface
of how to handle it anddifferent caregiving techniques
for it.
So today I thought we'd talk alittle bit more about grief.
(01:00):
You know, one thing that I havedefinitely learned with the
grief experience is that it isnot linear.
You know, a lot of people think, oh well, you just have to get
through that first year andeverything will be okay.
And sometimes you think, oh,with your feelings.
You think that sadness is theonly emotion you feel during
(01:20):
grief and really it's just oneof many, many emotions that you
feel during grief.
You might feel sadness, youmight feel anger, you might feel
frustrated, helpless, fatigued,exhausted, confused,
overwhelmed and all of the aboveand things I didn't even
mention and we also think thatin all of those feelings are
(01:44):
correct.
There really is no wrongfeeling with grief.
Sometimes you think that if aperson's going through grief,
all they do is cry.
They may cry, they may not cry.
They may also be super hyperand have to be busy, busy, busy.
Or they might be like I did,some weekends where I couldn't
get out of my pajamas and I justwatched TV all weekend because
(02:06):
I just couldn't find the energyto do anymore.
And all of that is okay,because you're trying to adjust
to a new normal, so to speak.
You're trying to figure out howto go on without this loved one
in your life.
Or, if you are living withdementia, you're trying to
figure out this new person inyour life because they're still
(02:29):
your loved one, but they're not,because they're different.
So you're having thatanticipatory grief as well.
And a lot of times people thinkthat grief just affects us
emotionally, like it's just anemotional thing.
But really it affects us inevery single way.
It affects us emotionally, likeit's just an emotional thing,
but really it affects us inevery single way.
It affects us physically,emotionally, mentally and even
(02:50):
spiritually.
On that, you know, our bodieshurt, we're tired, we don't feel
good, we might feel so foggyand we don't know why Our
stomach might hurt and we don'tknow why.
You know, we just might notfeel right and we just we don't
know why.
And it's all grief, becauseit's such a huge, huge thing in
(03:14):
your life.
Grief, it's not something simple.
It takes over as you try tomake your way through.
You know, sometimes I wouldfeel like I still do Almost,
like you can't breathe at times,or you're so overwhelmed that
you just don't know what to doand you can't fight through it.
A lot of times it could feellike a tidal wave, you know,
(03:36):
because grief does come in waves, and you feel like, oh my God,
I'm never going to get my headabove water.
Or you might feel like you'reon a roller coaster.
One day you're having a reallygood day and then you go down
and then you go back up again.
Or then you might feel guilty onthe days that you do feel good,
you know, and then you think,oh, someone's going to think
that I didn't feel right.
(03:58):
You know how I shouldn't behappy right now, and it's okay
to have those moments of joy.
Or maybe you just feel angryand you don't know why you feel
angry.
Maybe you're angry at theperson who died or the person
who's sick, because why did theyhave to get sick?
Why did they have to die?
Maybe you're angry at otherpeople that are close to you and
(04:18):
you don't know why You're justeverybody's irritable and that's
all okay.
It's trying to figure out thismaze of what to do with it.
What I have found, and throughworking with grief counselors,
and that is that the best thing,at least for me and for a lot
(04:39):
of people, is to feel thefeeling in that moment, even if
you're like I have no idea why Ifeel this way, I don't know why
I'm so irritable, I don't knowwhy I'm angry, I don't know why
I'm sad.
But to sit with it for thatmoment and be like okay and let
it pass, because usually then,once you let it, you feel it and
(05:00):
you recognize it and youacknowledge it, it's a lot
easier to kind of go with it.
Then A lot of times, too, wethink if we just push this grief
away, it'll just settle on itsown time.
We'll just push it, push itdown, we won't talk about it, we
won't, we won't deal with itand it'll be okay.
If I just stay super, superbusy, I'll be okay.
(05:24):
And I mean sometimes, well,obviously, when somebody first
passes, you are super busy.
You don't realize everythingyou have to do after somebody
dies and you are busy.
You have to take care of somany things.
But then, once everything istaken care of, you're just there
(05:45):
.
It's almost like that's whenthe grieving almost really
begins, or that's when youreally feel the loss, because
now they're gone and you tookcare of everything, not just the
funeral or the, the wake, thefuneral, the services, the
insurance, the bank, the bills,you cleaning out their rooms,
(06:06):
cleaning out all of theirclothes and that and you're like
, wow, okay, they're really gone.
It's almost like now it reallybegins, if that makes sense for
it.
And sometimes you just feellike if I just push it all away
and I stay really busy, it'llall just work itself out.
But then what happens is thatif you choose to do that, then
(06:32):
you might just all of a suddenstart crying in the grocery
store for no reason, because yousaw something that reminded of
them, or you hear a song, or youjust start yelling at people
and you don't know why, and itcould just be that you've pushed
it down so far that yourfeelings has nowhere to go with
it.
So sometimes I think it's justbetter to try to deal with it.
(06:58):
There's a picture that I sawabout stages of grief, you know,
and people think it's just thisnice little stage, it's all
linear, and you just do stageone, stage two, stage three,
stage four, and you feel so muchbetter and okay, I marked it, I
got here.
You know, okay, it's a year, Idid it, okay, everything's fine.
(07:20):
But that's just not really whathappens.
Not at all.
It's so messed up.
It's like a bunch of squigglylines inside yourself.
You know, one day you feel okay, the next day you're like I'm
crying and I just feel sad, orI'm angry and I don't know why
I'm irritable, or I'm justexhausted Because it's heavy
(07:44):
with all of it.
But it's just good toacknowledge to yourself that
it's okay if you feel likeeverything's all messed up, and
it might feel that way for quitea while, and that's okay, and
just tell yourself it isn'tlinear.
It comes in waves and right nowI'm drowning as that.
There's a Chris Young song ifyou follow country music, and
(08:08):
that's exactly what his song iscalled Drowning, and that's what
it is.
It comes in waves, and tonightI'm drowning, and that's okay.
It's okay because sometimes youjust need to feel that to be
able to kind of get to that nextfeeling that you need to feel.
Or just, hey, you know what,today I feel okay, or today I
(08:32):
don't those types of things.
A lot of times, as we thinkabout grief in waves, we also
might think about it as like aroller coaster, which I kind of
like that analogy because it'sreally how it feels, because,
like well, I'm not really aroller coaster person, but I
totally get it.
Because you feel one day youfeel up and then all of a sudden
(08:56):
you just drop and you don'tknow why.
You know kind of like thatfeeling when you're on a roller
coaster, your stomach drops andyou're like, oh, now I'm all the
way down here, the ups anddowns of the valleys with it,
and we don't always get todecide the direction that we're
going to go in.
We, you know, some days wethink we're going to do one
thing and then something justcomes out of the blue.
(09:18):
Somebody might say something,you hear something, you see
something, and you are back downthere and that's okay.
That's when you just need toacknowledge and say this is how
I feel right now, this is what Ineed, this is what I'm talking
about.
Or I don't feel clear right now,which is easy to say and hard
(09:39):
to do in society, because wereally don't like to talk about
grief, we don't like to talkabout what it does to us.
Everybody's there in thebeginning and right at the right
, at the very end, and they'realways there if you need
anything, if you want to talkeverything, but sometimes, when
you really do need to talk aboutthat person, there's nobody
(10:00):
there or talk about how you feel.
And then that's when they say,oh, but they're in a better
place, or you know they're notin pain, and you want to scream
because you want to say I knowthat and I'm not asking for that
person to not be in pain, but Istill miss them.
And it's not an easy topic thatpeople like to talk about,
(10:23):
because it makes people feeluncomfortable, because they
don't know what to say and a lotof times all you need is for
someone to say I'm going tolisten and it's okay that you're
feeling all messed up today andyou don't know why.
It's okay.
Look at what you've been through, acknowledge it.
(10:43):
It's okay, because I've done alot of reading, a lot of
different books on grief andthat and I'm no expert by any
means but what I've come torealize, especially after losing
my mom, is that I'll never bethat person I was before.
You can't go through anexperience like that and expect
(11:05):
to be the same, and I thinkthat's what we try to do.
We try to think that we'regoing to go right back and just
jump right back into how thingswere.
You really can't, becauseyou've been through this
experience.
That is really hard, so youhave to learn how to adjust and
put those feelings and what youwent through into a new
(11:26):
perspective, which is hard.
And I know, for me, I feel losta lot of times, like just lost.
I just don't know where I am,where I belong, what works, what
doesn't work, like who am I now, without my biggest support
person in my life?
And it's hard sometimes.
You know, some days I feel sooverwhelmed by it and other days
(11:50):
I go, okay, well, I'm justgoing to get through this minute
and I have to do this or I haveto do that.
With that, you know, sometimesthe smallest drop, if you think
you're on the roller coastercould just be the worst.
For me, sometimes it is.
It's the smallest things thatreally remind me of her or make
me feel like I really, reallymiss her.
(12:12):
It's not always the big things,sometimes it is, but a lot of
times it's the smaller thingsfor it.
So if you acknowledge toyourself that you know you're
kind of on this roller coasterand you don't know how long
you're going to be up and down,but that's okay.
But as it goes on, I think thatit's not quite as intense.
(12:35):
You know, hopefully, foryourself.
You know, because when you thinkabout when you're on the roller
coaster, it's like you try tobrace yourself but you're still
not prepared.
Sometimes you just might feeldizzy and you don't know why.
Or you just have this heavyfeeling, or you feel like you
just might feel dizzy and youdon't know why.
Or you just have this heavyfeeling, or you feel like you
just can't breathe, or you wantto scream, and maybe you do need
(12:56):
to scream, maybe you need toscream into your pillow or
something and be like, oh, Ijust can't take it, because
think about what happens whenyou do let yourself scream.
Or you, you know, maybe for youit's that you go do a huge
workout and you feel better.
Or you have a big cry and youjust feel better.
That's okay.
Or maybe you need a good laugh.
(13:17):
Sometimes that's what you do.
Sometimes that's what makes youfeel better.
Is you need to laugh?
Maybe you're telling a storyabout your person and it makes
you laugh and it makes you smileand you feel comforted, like
they're there again.
Maybe that's what you need atthat point.
You know, because there's justso many emotions with grief.
When we're talking about theemotional side of it, you know
(13:40):
you feel sad, you feel depressed, you feel hopeless, lonely, you
might feel numb for a while.
Or maybe you feel detached.
You know, sometimes you justfeel detached from your family,
your friends.
Like you just don't feel thatconnection.
Or, like I said, I feel lostsometimes or confused, or maybe
you just feel very overwhelmed.
I think grief makes us feelvery vulnerable.
(14:01):
I really do, and I think beingvulnerable is really hard for
most people, myself included.
You just don't know.
You don't like this shakyfeeling, like you're not on
solid ground.
Maybe you feel anxious.
You just feel panic all thetime, like you're just waiting
for that other shoe to drop.
You might feel guilty.
You might feel regret orashamed.
(14:22):
You know you wish you couldhave done this or you would have
, should have, could have andyou may feel angry and bitter.
You might feel a little relief,especially if you spent years
caregiving.
It's a lot to care, take careof somebody it really is.
It takes a lot and you and youget to that point where you
don't want them to be in pain.
But then you feel guiltybecause you feel relief.
(14:44):
You know it's that viciouscycle and you might feel hopeful
and maybe you do feel a littlepeaceful because you know they
aren't in any more pain with it.
And you might feel all of thesethings within five minutes of
each other.
And that's okay if that's howyou feel with it.
You know, a lot of times too, wethink about our mental
(15:08):
reactions, right, we mightalways be thinking about the
loss.
I know for me I had troubleconcentrating.
I would be at work and I wouldbe like, oh, did I do this?
Oh, wait, that doesn't makesense, I can't focus, I can't
concentrate.
You don't want to say that topeople that I know I'm not
concentrating because I have allthis grief, because then people
(15:30):
look at you like you're crazy,right, you know, or maybe time
gets distorted, like you can'tremember was it last week, this
week, or oh, I lost track oftime.
I was supposed to be here atsomething you know.
Or maybe you're somebody who'salways been very organized and
you just feel so disorganizedlike you just can't get it
together, or you feel forgetfulI feel that a lot too or you
(15:53):
have trouble making difficultdecisions.
I think there's a reason whythey say the rule of thumb,
especially like after the, for ayear, after some, after a major
loss, you really shouldn't makeany major life decisions.
Because I don't think I don'tknow if that you're capable of
being able to make those bigdecisions.
Because, let's face think, Idon't know if that you're
capable of being able to makethose big decisions.
Because, let's face it,sometimes the hardest decision
(16:15):
to make is, you know, should Igo to the grocery store today?
Should I watch this on TV?
So I mean, sometimes you don'thave a choice, you have to make
those.
But that, and I know too, I havea lot of flashbacks.
I think about days or the weeksthat I was with my mom taking
care of her.
I think back, you know, to howshe was.
(16:38):
I think back to how she wasbefore she got dementia, how she
was during dementia, takingcare of her, through all of that
, and I can't help it.
And I can't help it.
It flashbacks to me sometimeson different days and times, and
things that I brought or thingsthat we talked about, both
types of things and I realized,well, that's all normal.
(16:59):
Of course I'm going to thinkabout that, especially with
anniversaries or holidays, ormaybe it's a song you know, or
I'm just thinking about talkingto her, going and visiting her,
because you feel lost after awhile, especially when you're
taking care of somebody, or evenif it was sudden, all of a
sudden you're like, okay, Idon't have this person to call
(17:21):
anymore, this is who I wouldhave talked to, or how can they
not be here?
You think about those things andyou run them in your head over
and over and over again on thosedays.
You know, sometimes you feellike it's a little obsessive,
but maybe it isn't, maybe you'rejust trying to work through it
and think about it with it.
(17:41):
But those are all normal,normal reactions that you keep
thinking about those types ofthings over and over and over
again for it, because you'rejust trying to make sense of it
all, trying to see what happens,you know, and I think that it
is normal to think about howyour life was before the loss,
(18:03):
maybe during your loss and afterthe loss, because it is
different and I think that it'sokay to acknowledge it.
It's okay to say that my lifewill never quite be the same
again.
That doesn't mean it's alwaysgoing to be bad, and it's good
to find those moments of joywhen you can, even if it's
(18:24):
something silly, it's good tofind joy because really life is
all of that, all of that mixedup together, the happy, the sad,
the joyful, the angry, all ofit.
And grief kind of really makesyou see all of that, you know,
and I just think that it'simportant that we realize that
(18:45):
grief isn't necessarilysomething to be fixed.
It's something that you have togo through.
It's something to acknowledgewhat your feelings are and to
say it's okay.
This is how I feel today, eventhough it is hard in this world,
because we don't always acceptit.
We just want people to be okay,because we don't want to deal
(19:07):
with that uncomfortable feelingof saying I really miss this
person, because people don'tlike to talk about it.
It makes them feeluncomfortable.
So when you find that person orpeople that you are able to
talk with, or whatever makes youhappy, that feels that support
for you, you know you need to bewith them because they'll help
(19:29):
you through this as well.
So I hope this helped a littlebit today as we go through grief
and we'll keep talking aboutthese things.
So I hope you're able to, youknow, find a little comfort with
your little cup of tea, as mymom would say, because my mom
would always say tea will makeyou feel better.
Or a cup of coffee if it was areally rough day, a glass of
(19:51):
wine for you and maybe youneeded to read a book or sit and
watch some TV and just relaxand know it's okay.
You know my mom used to saylike in the end it'll be okay.
If it's not okay, it's not theend.
So I hope you've joined, hopethis helped us a little bit here
on Patty's Place and until nexttime, like I said, have a cup
(20:13):
of tea and join us as we try tofind some comfort in the world.
Thanks, woo, woo, woo.
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where we will
talk about grief, dementia andcaregiving.
So pull up a cup of tea, a cupof coffee or, if you're having a
really rough day, a glass ofwine and let's sit back and
listen and hopefully you'll findsome comfort.
My name is Lisa and, as I havesaid before, I lost my mom about
(00:38):
14 months ago from dementia andI've just learned so much about
grief going through the process, as well as what dementia is
and how to handle it, orbeginning to scratch the surface
of how to handle it anddifferent caregiving techniques
for it.
So today I thought we'd talk alittle bit more about grief.
(01:00):
You know, one thing that I havedefinitely learned with the
grief experience is that it isnot linear.
You know, a lot of people think, oh well, you just have to get
through that first year andeverything will be okay.
And sometimes you think, oh,with your feelings.
You think that sadness is theonly emotion you feel during
(01:20):
grief and really it's just oneof many, many emotions that you
feel during grief.
You might feel sadness, youmight feel anger, you might feel
frustrated, helpless, fatigued,exhausted, confused,
overwhelmed and all of the aboveand things I didn't even
mention and we also think thatin all of those feelings are
(01:44):
correct.
There really is no wrongfeeling with grief.
Sometimes you think that if aperson's going through grief,
all they do is cry.
They may cry, they may not cry.
They may also be super hyperand have to be busy, busy, busy.
Or they might be like I did,some weekends where I couldn't
get out of my pajamas and I justwatched TV all weekend because
(02:06):
I just couldn't find the energyto do anymore.
And all of that is okay,because you're trying to adjust
to a new normal, so to speak.
You're trying to figure out howto go on without this loved one
in your life.
Or, if you are living withdementia, you're trying to
figure out this new person inyour life because they're still
(02:29):
your loved one, but they're not,because they're different.
So you're having thatanticipatory grief as well.
And a lot of times people thinkthat grief just affects us
emotionally, like it's just anemotional thing.
But really it affects us inevery single way.
It affects us emotionally, likeit's just an emotional thing,
but really it affects us inevery single way.
It affects us physically,emotionally, mentally and even
(02:50):
spiritually.
On that, you know, our bodieshurt, we're tired, we don't feel
good, we might feel so foggyand we don't know why Our
stomach might hurt and we don'tknow why.
You know, we just might notfeel right and we just we don't
know why.
And it's all grief, becauseit's such a huge, huge thing in
(03:14):
your life.
Grief, it's not something simple.
It takes over as you try tomake your way through.
You know, sometimes I wouldfeel like I still do Almost,
like you can't breathe at times,or you're so overwhelmed that
you just don't know what to doand you can't fight through it.
A lot of times it could feellike a tidal wave, you know,
(03:36):
because grief does come in waves, and you feel like, oh my God,
I'm never going to get my headabove water.
Or you might feel like you'reon a roller coaster.
One day you're having a reallygood day and then you go down
and then you go back up again.
Or then you might feel guilty onthe days that you do feel good,
you know, and then you think,oh, someone's going to think
that I didn't feel right.
(03:58):
You know how I shouldn't behappy right now, and it's okay
to have those moments of joy.
Or maybe you just feel angryand you don't know why you feel
angry.
Maybe you're angry at theperson who died or the person
who's sick, because why did theyhave to get sick?
Why did they have to die?
Maybe you're angry at otherpeople that are close to you and
(04:18):
you don't know why You're justeverybody's irritable and that's
all okay.
It's trying to figure out thismaze of what to do with it.
What I have found, and throughworking with grief counselors,
and that is that the best thing,at least for me and for a lot
(04:39):
of people, is to feel thefeeling in that moment, even if
you're like I have no idea why Ifeel this way, I don't know why
I'm so irritable, I don't knowwhy I'm angry, I don't know why
I'm sad.
But to sit with it for thatmoment and be like okay and let
it pass, because usually then,once you let it, you feel it and
(05:00):
you recognize it and youacknowledge it, it's a lot
easier to kind of go with it.
Then A lot of times, too, wethink if we just push this grief
away, it'll just settle on itsown time.
We'll just push it, push itdown, we won't talk about it, we
won't, we won't deal with itand it'll be okay.
If I just stay super, superbusy, I'll be okay.
(05:24):
And I mean sometimes, well,obviously, when somebody first
passes, you are super busy.
You don't realize everythingyou have to do after somebody
dies and you are busy.
You have to take care of somany things.
But then, once everything istaken care of, you're just there
(05:45):
.
It's almost like that's whenthe grieving almost really
begins, or that's when youreally feel the loss, because
now they're gone and you tookcare of everything, not just the
funeral or the, the wake, thefuneral, the services, the
insurance, the bank, the bills,you cleaning out their rooms,
(06:06):
cleaning out all of theirclothes and that and you're like
, wow, okay, they're really gone.
It's almost like now it reallybegins, if that makes sense for
it.
And sometimes you just feellike if I just push it all away
and I stay really busy, it'llall just work itself out.
But then what happens is thatif you choose to do that, then
(06:32):
you might just all of a suddenstart crying in the grocery
store for no reason, because yousaw something that reminded of
them, or you hear a song, or youjust start yelling at people
and you don't know why, and itcould just be that you've pushed
it down so far that yourfeelings has nowhere to go with
it.
So sometimes I think it's justbetter to try to deal with it.
(06:58):
There's a picture that I sawabout stages of grief, you know,
and people think it's just thisnice little stage, it's all
linear, and you just do stageone, stage two, stage three,
stage four, and you feel so muchbetter and okay, I marked it, I
got here.
You know, okay, it's a year, Idid it, okay, everything's fine.
(07:20):
But that's just not really whathappens.
Not at all.
It's so messed up.
It's like a bunch of squigglylines inside yourself.
You know, one day you feel okay, the next day you're like I'm
crying and I just feel sad, orI'm angry and I don't know why
I'm irritable, or I'm justexhausted Because it's heavy
(07:44):
with all of it.
But it's just good toacknowledge to yourself that
it's okay if you feel likeeverything's all messed up, and
it might feel that way for quitea while, and that's okay, and
just tell yourself it isn'tlinear.
It comes in waves and right nowI'm drowning as that.
There's a Chris Young song ifyou follow country music, and
(08:08):
that's exactly what his song iscalled Drowning, and that's what
it is.
It comes in waves, and tonightI'm drowning, and that's okay.
It's okay because sometimes youjust need to feel that to be
able to kind of get to that nextfeeling that you need to feel.
Or just, hey, you know what,today I feel okay, or today I
(08:32):
don't those types of things.
A lot of times, as we thinkabout grief in waves, we also
might think about it as like aroller coaster, which I kind of
like that analogy because it'sreally how it feels, because,
like well, I'm not really aroller coaster person, but I
totally get it.
Because you feel one day youfeel up and then all of a sudden
(08:56):
you just drop and you don'tknow why.
You know kind of like thatfeeling when you're on a roller
coaster, your stomach drops andyou're like, oh, now I'm all the
way down here, the ups anddowns of the valleys with it,
and we don't always get todecide the direction that we're
going to go in.
We, you know, some days wethink we're going to do one
thing and then something justcomes out of the blue.
(09:18):
Somebody might say something,you hear something, you see
something, and you are back downthere and that's okay.
That's when you just need toacknowledge and say this is how
I feel right now, this is what Ineed, this is what I'm talking
about.
Or I don't feel clear right now,which is easy to say and hard
(09:39):
to do in society, because wereally don't like to talk about
grief, we don't like to talkabout what it does to us.
Everybody's there in thebeginning and right at the right
, at the very end, and they'realways there if you need
anything, if you want to talkeverything, but sometimes, when
you really do need to talk aboutthat person, there's nobody
(10:00):
there or talk about how you feel.
And then that's when they say,oh, but they're in a better
place, or you know they're notin pain, and you want to scream
because you want to say I knowthat and I'm not asking for that
person to not be in pain, but Istill miss them.
And it's not an easy topic thatpeople like to talk about,
(10:23):
because it makes people feeluncomfortable, because they
don't know what to say and a lotof times all you need is for
someone to say I'm going tolisten and it's okay that you're
feeling all messed up today andyou don't know why.
It's okay.
Look at what you've been through, acknowledge it.
(10:43):
It's okay, because I've done alot of reading, a lot of
different books on grief andthat and I'm no expert by any
means but what I've come torealize, especially after losing
my mom, is that I'll never bethat person I was before.
You can't go through anexperience like that and expect
(11:05):
to be the same, and I thinkthat's what we try to do.
We try to think that we'regoing to go right back and just
jump right back into how thingswere.
You really can't, becauseyou've been through this
experience.
That is really hard, so youhave to learn how to adjust and
put those feelings and what youwent through into a new
(11:26):
perspective, which is hard.
And I know, for me, I feel losta lot of times, like just lost.
I just don't know where I am,where I belong, what works, what
doesn't work, like who am I now, without my biggest support
person in my life?
And it's hard sometimes.
You know, some days I feel sooverwhelmed by it and other days
(11:50):
I go, okay, well, I'm justgoing to get through this minute
and I have to do this or I haveto do that.
With that, you know, sometimesthe smallest drop, if you think
you're on the roller coastercould just be the worst.
For me, sometimes it is.
It's the smallest things thatreally remind me of her or make
me feel like I really, reallymiss her.
(12:12):
It's not always the big things,sometimes it is, but a lot of
times it's the smaller thingsfor it.
So if you acknowledge toyourself that you know you're
kind of on this roller coasterand you don't know how long
you're going to be up and down,but that's okay.
But as it goes on, I think thatit's not quite as intense.
(12:35):
You know, hopefully, foryourself.
You know, because when you thinkabout when you're on the roller
coaster, it's like you try tobrace yourself but you're still
not prepared.
Sometimes you just might feeldizzy and you don't know why.
Or you just have this heavyfeeling, or you feel like you
just might feel dizzy and youdon't know why.
Or you just have this heavyfeeling, or you feel like you
just can't breathe, or you wantto scream, and maybe you do need
(12:56):
to scream, maybe you need toscream into your pillow or
something and be like, oh, Ijust can't take it, because
think about what happens whenyou do let yourself scream.
Or you, you know, maybe for youit's that you go do a huge
workout and you feel better.
Or you have a big cry and youjust feel better.
That's okay.
Or maybe you need a good laugh.
(13:17):
Sometimes that's what you do.
Sometimes that's what makes youfeel better.
Is you need to laugh?
Maybe you're telling a storyabout your person and it makes
you laugh and it makes you smileand you feel comforted, like
they're there again.
Maybe that's what you need atthat point.
You know, because there's justso many emotions with grief.
When we're talking about theemotional side of it, you know
(13:40):
you feel sad, you feel depressed, you feel hopeless, lonely, you
might feel numb for a while.
Or maybe you feel detached.
You know, sometimes you justfeel detached from your family,
your friends.
Like you just don't feel thatconnection.
Or, like I said, I feel lostsometimes or confused, or maybe
you just feel very overwhelmed.
I think grief makes us feelvery vulnerable.
(14:01):
I really do, and I think beingvulnerable is really hard for
most people, myself included.
You just don't know.
You don't like this shakyfeeling, like you're not on
solid ground.
Maybe you feel anxious.
You just feel panic all thetime, like you're just waiting
for that other shoe to drop.
You might feel guilty.
You might feel regret orashamed.
(14:22):
You know you wish you couldhave done this or you would have
, should have, could have andyou may feel angry and bitter.
You might feel a little relief,especially if you spent years
caregiving.
It's a lot to care, take careof somebody it really is.
It takes a lot and you and youget to that point where you
don't want them to be in pain.
But then you feel guiltybecause you feel relief.
(14:44):
You know it's that viciouscycle and you might feel hopeful
and maybe you do feel a littlepeaceful because you know they
aren't in any more pain with it.
And you might feel all of thesethings within five minutes of
each other.
And that's okay if that's howyou feel with it.
You know, a lot of times too, wethink about our mental
(15:08):
reactions, right, we mightalways be thinking about the
loss.
I know for me I had troubleconcentrating.
I would be at work and I wouldbe like, oh, did I do this?
Oh, wait, that doesn't makesense, I can't focus, I can't
concentrate.
You don't want to say that topeople that I know I'm not
concentrating because I have allthis grief, because then people
(15:30):
look at you like you're crazy,right, you know, or maybe time
gets distorted, like you can'tremember was it last week, this
week, or oh, I lost track oftime.
I was supposed to be here atsomething you know.
Or maybe you're somebody who'salways been very organized and
you just feel so disorganizedlike you just can't get it
together, or you feel forgetfulI feel that a lot too or you
(15:53):
have trouble making difficultdecisions.
I think there's a reason whythey say the rule of thumb,
especially like after the, for ayear, after some, after a major
loss, you really shouldn't makeany major life decisions.
Because I don't think I don'tknow if that you're capable of
being able to make those bigdecisions.
Because, let's face think, Idon't know if that you're
capable of being able to makethose big decisions.
Because, let's face it,sometimes the hardest decision
(16:15):
to make is, you know, should Igo to the grocery store today?
Should I watch this on TV?
So I mean, sometimes you don'thave a choice, you have to make
those.
But that, and I know too, I havea lot of flashbacks.
I think about days or the weeksthat I was with my mom taking
care of her.
I think back, you know, to howshe was.
(16:38):
I think back to how she wasbefore she got dementia, how she
was during dementia, takingcare of her, through all of that
, and I can't help it.
And I can't help it.
It flashbacks to me sometimeson different days and times, and
things that I brought or thingsthat we talked about, both
types of things and I realized,well, that's all normal.
(16:59):
Of course I'm going to thinkabout that, especially with
anniversaries or holidays, ormaybe it's a song you know, or
I'm just thinking about talkingto her, going and visiting her,
because you feel lost after awhile, especially when you're
taking care of somebody, or evenif it was sudden, all of a
sudden you're like, okay, Idon't have this person to call
(17:21):
anymore, this is who I wouldhave talked to, or how can they
not be here?
You think about those things andyou run them in your head over
and over and over again on thosedays.
You know, sometimes you feellike it's a little obsessive,
but maybe it isn't, maybe you'rejust trying to work through it
and think about it with it.
(17:41):
But those are all normal,normal reactions that you keep
thinking about those types ofthings over and over and over
again for it, because you'rejust trying to make sense of it
all, trying to see what happens,you know, and I think that it
is normal to think about howyour life was before the loss,
(18:03):
maybe during your loss and afterthe loss, because it is
different and I think that it'sokay to acknowledge it.
It's okay to say that my lifewill never quite be the same
again.
That doesn't mean it's alwaysgoing to be bad, and it's good
to find those moments of joywhen you can, even if it's
(18:24):
something silly, it's good tofind joy because really life is
all of that, all of that mixedup together, the happy, the sad,
the joyful, the angry, all ofit.
And grief kind of really makesyou see all of that, you know,
and I just think that it'simportant that we realize that
(18:45):
grief isn't necessarilysomething to be fixed.
It's something that you have togo through.
It's something to acknowledgewhat your feelings are and to
say it's okay.
This is how I feel today, eventhough it is hard in this world,
because we don't always acceptit.
We just want people to be okay,because we don't want to deal
(19:07):
with that uncomfortable feelingof saying I really miss this
person, because people don'tlike to talk about it.
It makes them feeluncomfortable.
So when you find that person orpeople that you are able to
talk with, or whatever makes youhappy, that feels that support
for you, you know you need to bewith them because they'll help
(19:29):
you through this as well.
So I hope this helped a littlebit today as we go through grief
and we'll keep talking aboutthese things.
So I hope you're able to, youknow, find a little comfort with
your little cup of tea, as mymom would say, because my mom
would always say tea will makeyou feel better.
Or a cup of coffee if it was areally rough day, a glass of
(19:51):
wine for you and maybe youneeded to read a book or sit and
watch some TV and just relaxand know it's okay.
You know my mom used to saylike in the end it'll be okay.
If it's not okay, it's not theend.
So I hope you've joined, hopethis helped us a little bit here
on Patty's Place and until nexttime, like I said, have a cup
(20:13):
of tea and join us as we try tofind some comfort in the world.
Thanks, woo, woo, woo.
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