August 6, 2025 • 16 mins
What happens when life doesn’t go the way we hoped? In this episode, we explore how unmet expectations impact our emotions, our bodies, and our sense of self. Through real stories, personal reflection, and quiet truths, Reza unpacks why expectations hurt—and how letting go can lead to deeper peace.
my email address gholamrezava@gmail.com
Twitter account is @rezava
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hi, this is Raza Sanjide and this is Philosophy
of Life.
And today I want to talk aboutsomething we all deal with.
When things didn't go the way wehoped.
(00:24):
You expect something to happen.
Maybe it's small, like someonetexting you back.
Maybe it's big, like gettingthat job, or being understood by
someone you love, but it doesn'thappen, and suddenly you're left
with this weird feeling,disappointed, angry, hurt, and
(00:45):
you think, why am I feeling thismuch?
That's what we're gonna exploretoday.
Why unmet expectation hits sohard, and what it does to our
minds, our hearts, and even ourbodies.
Let's get into it.
(01:13):
So here's the thing.
You didn't get what you werecounting on.
And now you're upset, maybe evenshaken.
And some people might say, comeon, it's not the end of the
world.
But they don't feel good.
what you're feeling.
Let me give you a real example.
In China, when they built theThree Gorges Dam, over a million
(01:38):
people had to leave their homes,not because they wanted to, but
because they were told it wasfor the greater good.
They were promised better lives,new housing, new jobs, a better
future.
But for many of them, thatfuture never showed up.
The jobs didn't come.
(01:58):
The housing wasn't what theyimagined.
And the loss of community, ofland, of trust, it broke
something inside.
There's actually a study aboutthis.
It found that in-metexpectations, not just the
displacement itself, was a majorfactor in why so many of them
(02:19):
suffered from depression.
Not being heard, not beinghelped, not getting what they
were told they'd get.
And the pain wasn't just mental.
It showed up physically.
Fatigue, poor sleep, stomachproblems, anxiety, all from
expectations that were nevermet.
That's how powerful our innercontracts are.
(02:42):
You don't have to be a damnresettler to feel it.
You can be a single parent, atired worker, a student waiting
on one email, the promise ofsomething better, and then the
silence that follows.
That's enough to knock the windout of you.
And that's what this is about.
(03:02):
It's not about being weak.
It's about being human.
And the truth is, it's not justabout broken promises from the
outside.
A lot of the time, it's theblueprints in our own minds, the
way we expect the world to work,that end up hurting us the most.
Expectations aren't random.
(03:23):
They don't just come out ofnowhere.
We build them.
based on how we think the worldworks, based on how we act.
I mean, think about it.
If I study hard, I expect topass the test.
If I show up for others, Iexpect them to show up for me.
If I do things right, lifeshould go right too.
(03:45):
That's the mental contract.
So when things don't work out,when I fail the test, I prepare
it for it.
It's not just failure.
It's personal.
It makes me think maybe I'm notgood enough, or maybe everything
I believed about effort andreward is wrong.
(04:05):
See, expectation isn't just awish.
It's a blueprint.
We build our action, our values,even our identity around it.
And when the outcome doesn'tmatch the blueprint, we don't
just feel surprised.
We feel broken.
(04:34):
So now we get to the bigquestion.
Why does it hit so hard?
Why does something as simple asan unmet expectation leave us
drained, angry, sometimes evennumb?
The answer is not justemotional.
It's physical.
It's chemical.
It's how we're wired.
(04:55):
You see, every time you expectsomething, your brain starts to
reward you before it evenhappens.
It releases dopamine.
the feel-good chemical.
That's anticipation.
It's why we feel excited beforea trip or relieved even before
the results come in.
But when what we expecteddoesn't happen, crash, no
(05:19):
dopamine, no reward, justsilence, just space, just this
uncomfortable emptiness, thatcrash doesn't just stay in your
head.
It spreads through your body.
You feel tired.
You tense up.
Shoulders, jaw, back.
You lose sleep.
(05:40):
Your stomach gets threw off.
You get sick more often.
That's not being emotional.
That is barley doing its job.
But there is more.
And this part is quite almostinvisible.
It's what are called unspokenrule.
They are the expectation wecarry that we never haven't Say
(06:04):
out loud.
We pick a bump somewhere.
Our childhood, our culture,maybe old relationship.
Things like, if I work hard,I'll be rewarded.
If I'm kind, people will be kindto me.
If I love deeply, I'll be lovedback.
(06:25):
But life doesn't always followthat script.
And when it doesn't, we don'tjust get disappointed, we get
disoriented.
We start doubting ourselves.
We start feeling like somethingis wrong.
Not just with the situation, butwith us.
Now, here's something mostpeople don't realize.
(06:46):
Expectations and emotions aredeeply tied together.
Not just casually.
Not just once in a while.
They are locked in a constantloop.
How expectations cause emotions.
When you expect something,Whether it's a job offer, a
message from someone, or just asmooth morning, your mind
(07:06):
invests in that outcomeemotionally.
You're not just thinking aboutit.
You're feeling it ahead of time.
So when it happens, you feeljoy, relief, satisfaction.
And when it doesn't, that's whendisappointment, frustration, or
even anger kicks in.
The emotion comes from the gapbetween what you expected and
(07:30):
what actually happened, howemotions react to expectations.
Emotions aren't random.
They're reactions, data points,showing us how close or far we
are from what we hoped.
Let's say it's your birthday.
You expect your friend toremember.
If they call, you feel seen,loved, important.
(07:54):
If they don't, you feelforgotten, maybe even whored.
The situation didn't change you.
It just didn't match what youwere expecting.
And that's what triggered theemotion.
And this is why it becomes aloop.
Here's where it gets tricky.
The more our expectations aremet, the more hopeful we become.
(08:18):
But the more they're unmet, themore guarded we become.
You expect less, but you alsofeel less or worse.
You feel anxious before anythingeven happens, because your body
is already bracing fordisappointment.
It becomes a cycle.
Expect.
Feel.
Adjust.
(08:40):
Expect again.
If no one ever meets yourexpectation, you start expecting
that.
And that creates a low, quietpain that doesn't go away.
But the good news is, once yousee the cycle, you can start to
change it.
So now we know.
(09:10):
Expectations aren't justthoughts.
They're emotional investments.
And when reality doesn't cashthem out, it hurts.
Deeply.
Sometimes in ways we don't evenhave words for.
But here's the part where thingscan start to shift.
Because if we can learn to seeour expectation clearly, we can
(09:31):
begin to change our relationshipto them.
And that doesn't mean giving up.
It doesn't mean being cold orcynical or never hoping for
anything.
It means being aware.
It means being honest withyourself about what you're
hoping for and what you'resilently asking others or the
(09:51):
world to give you.
Let me walk you through a fewways we can start doing that.
One, name it to tame it.
The first step is simple, butnot always easy.
Name your expectation, say itout loud, write it down, own it.
(10:13):
So many emotional meltdownshappen because we never stop and
say, I was expecting them tounderstand me without
explaining, or I thought thiswould be easier than it is.
That clarity alone, just seeingit, can soften the blow.
(10:33):
It turns confusion intounderstanding.
Two, make the contract visible.
A lot of expectations areunspoken contracts.
We expect people to know how wefeel, to care, to help, but we
never tell them what we'rehoping for.
So the question becomes, did Iactually communicate this?
(10:57):
Or did I just assume they knew?
Because if the contract isn'tvisible, it's not fair to punish
someone for breaking it.
Three, look at the source.
Where did this expectation comefrom?
Is it yours?
Or is it something society toldyou?
(11:18):
Something your parents expected?
Something an old version of youonce believed?
Sometimes we're holding ontooutdated expectations, ones that
don't even match who we areanymore.
Letting go of those can befreeing.
It is painful, yes, but freeing.
(11:39):
4.
Shift from outcome to intention.
Here's a powerful shift.
Instead of only focusing on whatyou expect to happen, focus on
why you care in the first place.
For example, I expected them tolisten to me.
Why?
Because I want to feel heard.
(12:02):
I want to feel close.
Now you're getting to the heartof it.
And maybe even if they don'tlisten, you can find other ways
to feel connected, supported,understood.
The goal is to meet the need,not control the outcome.
5.
Talk about it, even if it feelsawkward.
(12:25):
It's okay to say, I expectedsomething different.
I'm not mad, but I was hopingfor something else.
This caught me off guard, andI'm still trying to make sense
of it.
That kind of honesty can beuncomfortable, but it also
clears the air.
(12:47):
It opens space for healing, forreconnection, for clarity.
In the end, You can't controlwhat other people do.
You can't control how the worldresponds to your plans or your
effort or your love.
But you can learn how to meetyourself in that space, the
(13:10):
space between what you hope forand what really happened.
And when you do that, somethingchanges.
You don't stop caring.
You just stop collapsing everytime life surprises you.
You become softer, not weaker,wiser, not colder, and more at
(13:30):
peace with the fact that lifedoesn't always follow the
script.
But that doesn't mean it can'tstill be beautiful.
So, yeah.
(13:50):
Sometimes the journey really iswhat matters most.
Not the outcome.
Not the prize.
Just the fact that you tried.
I've always believed that.
We don't always reach the top ofthe mountain.
We don't always get what weimagined.
But we made the climb.
We showed up.
(14:12):
And that means something.
Because life isn't here to meetour every expectation.
But it does respond to effort.
It shapes us through the trying,through the letting go, through
the learning.
I've never been rich.
I've never had everything Ithought I wanted.
(14:32):
But I've always had what Ineeded.
And honestly, that's more thanenough.
I didn't get the big house, butthe small one I live in brings
me peace.
And maybe that's the bigger win.
So as we close today, I want toshare something personal.
I just had the chance to travel,really travel, for the first
(14:55):
time in my life across America.
Two days in a row, we drove fromWashington, D.C.
to Denver, Colorado.
And the experience, the driving,the solitude, the silence, the
landscapes.
It was life-changing.
I didn't know what to expect.
And maybe that's the point.
(15:16):
Not knowing the outcome isactually more natural than we
think.
And being open to what lifebrings you without controlling
it, that's where thetransformation lives.
Because when you see new things,feel new things, you start to
become someone new.
(15:38):
Not someone perfect, but someonedeeper, more awake.
And that's what it should be, Ithink.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for spending this timewith me.
As always, these podcasts aremade for you.
Please share your thoughts.
I'd love to hear what thisstirred in you.
(15:59):
That was expectation andemotion.
Be thoughtful.
Be curious.
Until next time.
Hi, this is Raza Sanjide and this is Philosophy
of Life.
And today I want to talk aboutsomething we all deal with.
When things didn't go the way wehoped.
(00:24):
You expect something to happen.
Maybe it's small, like someonetexting you back.
Maybe it's big, like gettingthat job, or being understood by
someone you love, but it doesn'thappen, and suddenly you're left
with this weird feeling,disappointed, angry, hurt, and
(00:45):
you think, why am I feeling thismuch?
That's what we're gonna exploretoday.
Why unmet expectation hits sohard, and what it does to our
minds, our hearts, and even ourbodies.
Let's get into it.
(01:13):
So here's the thing.
You didn't get what you werecounting on.
And now you're upset, maybe evenshaken.
And some people might say, comeon, it's not the end of the
world.
But they don't feel good.
what you're feeling.
Let me give you a real example.
In China, when they built theThree Gorges Dam, over a million
(01:38):
people had to leave their homes,not because they wanted to, but
because they were told it wasfor the greater good.
They were promised better lives,new housing, new jobs, a better
future.
But for many of them, thatfuture never showed up.
The jobs didn't come.
(01:58):
The housing wasn't what theyimagined.
And the loss of community, ofland, of trust, it broke
something inside.
There's actually a study aboutthis.
It found that in-metexpectations, not just the
displacement itself, was a majorfactor in why so many of them
(02:19):
suffered from depression.
Not being heard, not beinghelped, not getting what they
were told they'd get.
And the pain wasn't just mental.
It showed up physically.
Fatigue, poor sleep, stomachproblems, anxiety, all from
expectations that were nevermet.
That's how powerful our innercontracts are.
(02:42):
You don't have to be a damnresettler to feel it.
You can be a single parent, atired worker, a student waiting
on one email, the promise ofsomething better, and then the
silence that follows.
That's enough to knock the windout of you.
And that's what this is about.
(03:02):
It's not about being weak.
It's about being human.
And the truth is, it's not justabout broken promises from the
outside.
A lot of the time, it's theblueprints in our own minds, the
way we expect the world to work,that end up hurting us the most.
Expectations aren't random.
(03:23):
They don't just come out ofnowhere.
We build them.
based on how we think the worldworks, based on how we act.
I mean, think about it.
If I study hard, I expect topass the test.
If I show up for others, Iexpect them to show up for me.
If I do things right, lifeshould go right too.
(03:45):
That's the mental contract.
So when things don't work out,when I fail the test, I prepare
it for it.
It's not just failure.
It's personal.
It makes me think maybe I'm notgood enough, or maybe everything
I believed about effort andreward is wrong.
(04:05):
See, expectation isn't just awish.
It's a blueprint.
We build our action, our values,even our identity around it.
And when the outcome doesn'tmatch the blueprint, we don't
just feel surprised.
We feel broken.
(04:34):
So now we get to the bigquestion.
Why does it hit so hard?
Why does something as simple asan unmet expectation leave us
drained, angry, sometimes evennumb?
The answer is not justemotional.
It's physical.
It's chemical.
It's how we're wired.
(04:55):
You see, every time you expectsomething, your brain starts to
reward you before it evenhappens.
It releases dopamine.
the feel-good chemical.
That's anticipation.
It's why we feel excited beforea trip or relieved even before
the results come in.
But when what we expecteddoesn't happen, crash, no
(05:19):
dopamine, no reward, justsilence, just space, just this
uncomfortable emptiness, thatcrash doesn't just stay in your
head.
It spreads through your body.
You feel tired.
You tense up.
Shoulders, jaw, back.
You lose sleep.
(05:40):
Your stomach gets threw off.
You get sick more often.
That's not being emotional.
That is barley doing its job.
But there is more.
And this part is quite almostinvisible.
It's what are called unspokenrule.
They are the expectation wecarry that we never haven't Say
(06:04):
out loud.
We pick a bump somewhere.
Our childhood, our culture,maybe old relationship.
Things like, if I work hard,I'll be rewarded.
If I'm kind, people will be kindto me.
If I love deeply, I'll be lovedback.
(06:25):
But life doesn't always followthat script.
And when it doesn't, we don'tjust get disappointed, we get
disoriented.
We start doubting ourselves.
We start feeling like somethingis wrong.
Not just with the situation, butwith us.
Now, here's something mostpeople don't realize.
(06:46):
Expectations and emotions aredeeply tied together.
Not just casually.
Not just once in a while.
They are locked in a constantloop.
How expectations cause emotions.
When you expect something,Whether it's a job offer, a
message from someone, or just asmooth morning, your mind
(07:06):
invests in that outcomeemotionally.
You're not just thinking aboutit.
You're feeling it ahead of time.
So when it happens, you feeljoy, relief, satisfaction.
And when it doesn't, that's whendisappointment, frustration, or
even anger kicks in.
The emotion comes from the gapbetween what you expected and
(07:30):
what actually happened, howemotions react to expectations.
Emotions aren't random.
They're reactions, data points,showing us how close or far we
are from what we hoped.
Let's say it's your birthday.
You expect your friend toremember.
If they call, you feel seen,loved, important.
(07:54):
If they don't, you feelforgotten, maybe even whored.
The situation didn't change you.
It just didn't match what youwere expecting.
And that's what triggered theemotion.
And this is why it becomes aloop.
Here's where it gets tricky.
The more our expectations aremet, the more hopeful we become.
(08:18):
But the more they're unmet, themore guarded we become.
You expect less, but you alsofeel less or worse.
You feel anxious before anythingeven happens, because your body
is already bracing fordisappointment.
It becomes a cycle.
Expect.
Feel.
Adjust.
(08:40):
Expect again.
If no one ever meets yourexpectation, you start expecting
that.
And that creates a low, quietpain that doesn't go away.
But the good news is, once yousee the cycle, you can start to
change it.
So now we know.
(09:10):
Expectations aren't justthoughts.
They're emotional investments.
And when reality doesn't cashthem out, it hurts.
Deeply.
Sometimes in ways we don't evenhave words for.
But here's the part where thingscan start to shift.
Because if we can learn to seeour expectation clearly, we can
(09:31):
begin to change our relationshipto them.
And that doesn't mean giving up.
It doesn't mean being cold orcynical or never hoping for
anything.
It means being aware.
It means being honest withyourself about what you're
hoping for and what you'resilently asking others or the
(09:51):
world to give you.
Let me walk you through a fewways we can start doing that.
One, name it to tame it.
The first step is simple, butnot always easy.
Name your expectation, say itout loud, write it down, own it.
(10:13):
So many emotional meltdownshappen because we never stop and
say, I was expecting them tounderstand me without
explaining, or I thought thiswould be easier than it is.
That clarity alone, just seeingit, can soften the blow.
(10:33):
It turns confusion intounderstanding.
Two, make the contract visible.
A lot of expectations areunspoken contracts.
We expect people to know how wefeel, to care, to help, but we
never tell them what we'rehoping for.
So the question becomes, did Iactually communicate this?
(10:57):
Or did I just assume they knew?
Because if the contract isn'tvisible, it's not fair to punish
someone for breaking it.
Three, look at the source.
Where did this expectation comefrom?
Is it yours?
Or is it something society toldyou?
(11:18):
Something your parents expected?
Something an old version of youonce believed?
Sometimes we're holding ontooutdated expectations, ones that
don't even match who we areanymore.
Letting go of those can befreeing.
It is painful, yes, but freeing.
(11:39):
4.
Shift from outcome to intention.
Here's a powerful shift.
Instead of only focusing on whatyou expect to happen, focus on
why you care in the first place.
For example, I expected them tolisten to me.
Why?
Because I want to feel heard.
(12:02):
I want to feel close.
Now you're getting to the heartof it.
And maybe even if they don'tlisten, you can find other ways
to feel connected, supported,understood.
The goal is to meet the need,not control the outcome.
5.
Talk about it, even if it feelsawkward.
(12:25):
It's okay to say, I expectedsomething different.
I'm not mad, but I was hopingfor something else.
This caught me off guard, andI'm still trying to make sense
of it.
That kind of honesty can beuncomfortable, but it also
clears the air.
(12:47):
It opens space for healing, forreconnection, for clarity.
In the end, You can't controlwhat other people do.
You can't control how the worldresponds to your plans or your
effort or your love.
But you can learn how to meetyourself in that space, the
(13:10):
space between what you hope forand what really happened.
And when you do that, somethingchanges.
You don't stop caring.
You just stop collapsing everytime life surprises you.
You become softer, not weaker,wiser, not colder, and more at
(13:30):
peace with the fact that lifedoesn't always follow the
script.
But that doesn't mean it can'tstill be beautiful.
So, yeah.
(13:50):
Sometimes the journey really iswhat matters most.
Not the outcome.
Not the prize.
Just the fact that you tried.
I've always believed that.
We don't always reach the top ofthe mountain.
We don't always get what weimagined.
But we made the climb.
We showed up.
(14:12):
And that means something.
Because life isn't here to meetour every expectation.
But it does respond to effort.
It shapes us through the trying,through the letting go, through
the learning.
I've never been rich.
I've never had everything Ithought I wanted.
(14:32):
But I've always had what Ineeded.
And honestly, that's more thanenough.
I didn't get the big house, butthe small one I live in brings
me peace.
And maybe that's the bigger win.
So as we close today, I want toshare something personal.
I just had the chance to travel,really travel, for the first
(14:55):
time in my life across America.
Two days in a row, we drove fromWashington, D.C.
to Denver, Colorado.
And the experience, the driving,the solitude, the silence, the
landscapes.
It was life-changing.
I didn't know what to expect.
And maybe that's the point.
(15:16):
Not knowing the outcome isactually more natural than we
think.
And being open to what lifebrings you without controlling
it, that's where thetransformation lives.
Because when you see new things,feel new things, you start to
become someone new.
(15:38):
Not someone perfect, but someonedeeper, more awake.
And that's what it should be, Ithink.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for spending this timewith me.
As always, these podcasts aremade for you.
Please share your thoughts.
I'd love to hear what thisstirred in you.
(15:59):
That was expectation andemotion.
Be thoughtful.
Be curious.
Until next time.
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