Your Inner Critic Is a Terrible Roommate: How to Evict the Voice That's Keeping You Small

Episode Transcript
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Charlotte J (00:00):
So what are we talking about today?
That voice in your head thattells you you're not good
enough, that you are going tofail, that everyone can see how
inadequate you are.
Do you know that voice?
Of course we all do.
And here's what I want you toknow that voice is not the

(00:20):
truth.
It's not insight.
It's not even accurate most ofthe time and there is absolutely
nothing wrong with you forhaving it.
Welcome back to Pickleball andPartnership, where we are
talking about the game ofpickleball and the life that
teaches us who we really are.

(00:42):
If that sounds like your cup oftea, pull up a chair, grab your
paddle and join me CharlotteJukes, as we dive in.
today we are talking about yourinner critic, that relentless
voice that narrates all yourfailures, all of your
catastrophes.

(01:03):
It catastrophizes your futureand it tells you somehow
fundamentally flawed.
So we are going to understandwhere this voice comes from and
why your brain is literallywired to be harsh with you, and
most importantly, how to catchit in the act and completely

(01:24):
disarm it because here's.
The thing.
You can't get rid of your innercritic, but you can absolutely
change your relationship withit.
You can turn the volume down,you can make it less
threatening.
And here's the good bit.
You can even make it funny.

(01:44):
So if you are tired of beingbullied by your own mind, this
episode is for you.
Let's dive in.
Okay, first things first.
What even is the inner critic?
So in the simplest terms, yourinner critic is your brain's
threat detection system.
That's gone a little.

(02:05):
What shall we say rogue?
Let me explain.
So our brain has one primary joband that is.
Keeping us alive.
And for most of human history,the biggest threats to our
survival have been physical,like predators, starvation,

(02:25):
being rejected by your tribe.
so our brains evolve to be.
A prediction machine.
It's constantly scanning forthreats, trying to anticipate
what could go wrong so that youcan avoid it, and this is where
the inner critic comes in.
So it's trying to protect you bypointing out.

(02:47):
Everything you might do wrong,every way that you may fail,
every reason that people mightreject you.
It thinks that if it canactually identify the threat
first, if it can criticize youbefore anybody else does, then
it can keep you safe.

(03:09):
It's a bit like.
An overprotective parent whothinks that if they just
criticize their child enough,then they'll be perfect.
And if you're perfect, you'll besafe.
The problem is that none of uscan ever be perfect, and that

(03:29):
criticism actually doesn'tprotect you.
It paralyzes you ever felt that?
I know I have.
Okay, so of course, let's takeit to the pickleball court.
When I first learned how to playpickleball, my inner critic was
very loud.
When I learn a new skill, a newshot, a new position on the

(03:54):
court, a new drill, my innercritic is loud.
It's that voice in my head thatsays.
Oh, you're no good at this.
It's not worth trying.
Don't do it.
Just do the shots that you'reused to take the action that
you're used to doing.
The familiar action, the safeaction.

(04:15):
It's unsafe to grow.
Don't try a new skill.
Don't try a new shot.
Don't.
Post that post on social mediaabout something fun and exciting
or that new course that you'reabout to launch.
It's that voice that criticizesI remember there was a point a

(04:38):
few weeks ago, we were, a groupof us were drilling and I had to
stop and pause because my innercritic voice was so loud.
I was completely distracted.
It was trying to protect me.
It was trying to stop me fromdoing something that.
Felt very unfamiliar.

(04:59):
It was trying to protect me andkeep me safe by literally
playing small, playing the gameof pickleball that I knew I
could do without allowing me toexperience something new, trying
a new shot, trying a new drill.
It was trying to protect me fromfailing, from looking like an

(05:24):
idiot in front of other people.
And if I stopped and listened toit, I wouldn't have grown.
I wouldn't have tried that newdrill.
I wouldn't have experimentedwith hitting the ball in a
different way.
It would've cost me.
Growth it would've cost memoving forward in my game.

(05:47):
And we can apply this to anyarea of life.
I have heard my inner critic attimes where I've decided to join
a new group when I first wasinvited into a book club.
My inner critic told me not togo.
You don't need this book club.
These people are not yourpeople.

(06:08):
They are way more intelligentthan you are.
What on earth are you thinkingof going to a book club?
This is not for you.
And it.
Costs us new experiences.
It costs us personal growth.
So now let's talk aboutnegativity bias.
And this is a well-documentedpsychological phenomenon where

(06:30):
your brain is wired to pay moreattention to any negative
information than positiveinformation.
You know what that's like?
You could be at a party andyou're having fun, and there are
five people in front of you andfour people welcome you and say,
oh my gosh, you look amazing.
I love your hair.

(06:51):
Wow, I love your dress.
That's incredible.
You look really fit and healthy.
And the fifth person says, oh,you have a new hairstyle.
In a voice that doesn't createwarmth inside you, and what do
you focus on, you focus on thatone negative piece of

(07:12):
information Instead of the fourpositive comments and
compliments that you received.
Researcher Rick Hansen says, andI love this because we all
understand Velcro and we allunderstand Teflon, and he says.
The brain is like Velcro fornegative experiences and Teflon

(07:35):
for positive ones.
Isn't that the truth?
And why is this?
Because in evolutionary terms,if you missed the positive
thing, like the berry bush, foryour next meal.
No big deal.
But if you missed the negativething, perhaps it was the snake

(07:56):
in the grass, the cliff, thepredator.
You were at risk of dying.
So our ancestors werehypervigilant about threats
around them, they were the onesthat survived and passed on
their genes.
So, congratulations, I guessbecause we all have inherited

(08:18):
that inner critic.
When we make a mistake or weface potential rejection, it's
our amygdala.
That part of our brain, thebrain's alarm system, the
amygdala fires up.
It floods our system with stresshormones, cortisol and our inner
critic jumps in with, itshelpful, and I say helpful in.

(08:43):
Inverted commas.
It's helpful commentary.
You see, you're terrible.
Everyone thinks you're an idiot.
You should just give up theinner critic actually thinks
it's helping.
It thinks.
If it makes you feel bad enough,then you won't make that mistake
again.
But the truth is shame and feardon't create lasting change.

(09:09):
Shame and fear actually createparalysis and anxiety and more
shame.
Let's go back to the pickleballcourt.
When I'm standing there about toattempt a new shot, a different
drill, something that'sunfamiliar, I don't know what

(09:30):
I'm doing.
In that moment, when I paused, Iwas able to bring awareness to
what was happening.
I realized.
This is just my brain trying toprotect me instead of telling
myself I'm a terrible person.
I understood the biology of whatwas happening.

(09:54):
I didn't need to make it aboutmy character, about who I really
am.
And so this is what I reallyneed you to hear.
There is nothing wrong with youfor having an inner critic.
It doesn't mean you're broken.
You're not damaged in any way.
You are not incomplete.

(10:16):
We are all human.
Every single person listening tothis has an inner critic.
Yes, some critics are louderthan others.
Some critics are definitely morevicious.
But we all have one.
So the question isn't, why do Ihave this voice?

(10:37):
The question is, how do I changemy relationship with it?
So, okay, if the inner critic isuniversal, we all have one.
How do you know when it'stalking?
So.
Let me read these off and itfeels painful to say these out
loud, but it gives you a reallyclear idea of what the inner

(11:02):
critic is saying when you hearthis voice pipe up.
These are some of the innercritics favorite things to say,
here we go.
You're not good enough.
Who do you think you are?
Everyone else has it figured outexcept you.
You are going to fail.

(11:23):
They're going to find out youare a fraud.
You should be further along bynow.
What's wrong with you?
You always mess everything uptoo much.
You are not enough.
Sound familiar.
Okay, let's shake that off.
Let's take a deep breath.
Let's regulate our nervoussystems again after hearing

(11:46):
that.
Whew.
Now, here's something important.
The inner critic is not the sameas our intuition.
Or our discernment, because ourintuition might say, Hmm,
something feels off here.
I need more information before Ican make a decision.

(12:07):
Whereas your inner critic willsay, you are too stupid to make
this decision.
You're going to screw it up likeyou always do.
See the difference?
Our intuition is calm and clearand informative, whereas the
inner critic is harsh.
It's absolute, and it feelsshameful.

(12:29):
Intuition really helps usnavigate, whereas the inner
critic tries to keep us small.
So first thing we have to do iscatch it in the act.
And what I love to do in thissituation is to develop what's
called the observer self.

(12:49):
This is that part of you thatcan notice your thoughts without
being completely consumed bythem.
So think of it like this.
Instead of being the characterin the movie, you become the
person who is watching themovie.
You can see what's happeningwithout being completely

(13:10):
identified with it.
What I did in that moment on thepickleball court was to separate
myself from the thoughts that Iwas having even physically, if
it helps take a step to the sideas.
If you are moving away from thevoice so you can see the space
in between, and notice we aresimply noticing the voice, the

(13:35):
words.
We are not judging it.
We are not trying to fix it.
The first step is simplybecoming aware, and that's when
we start to see patterns.
So maybe you find that yourcritic is at its loudest in the
morning, or maybe it shows upmost when you're about to do

(13:59):
something new maybe it hasspecific topics that your inner
critic loves to harp on.
Maybe it's your appearance.
Maybe it's your competence atsomething.
Maybe it berates you for yourworth.
I can definitely relate to myinner critic giving me a hard

(14:22):
time about my appearance and mycompetence.
So again, on the pickleballcourt, I notice my inner critic
when I feel like I'm up againstplayers who are better than me
it seems to be, whenever I trysomething new, my inner critic
becomes very loud.

(14:43):
And I wonder how many of you canrelate to this when I'm getting
ready in the morning and I'mchoosing my clothes and I'm
doing my hair.
My inner critic is very loudabout who I'm going to meet that
day and what judgements they'regoing to have about the way I
look or what I'm wearing.

(15:03):
This was definitely a patternthat I started to notice, and so
the moment I could actually nameit the moment that I became
aware of it, i'd already startedto separate myself from it
because here's the thing, noneof us are our inner critics.

(15:26):
We are the one who hears theinner critic, and that
distinction changes everything.
So, okay, now we know how tospot the inner critic.
We know when it's talking.
Now what?
Here's what I found doesn'twork.
Fighting the inner critic,trying to suppress it, telling

(15:50):
myself, I shouldn't think thisway.
I need to be better.
It's just another layer ofcriticism.
When I realized that, I waslike, oh my gosh.
It's like I'm fighting fire withfire.
It was Carl Jung who said, whatyou resist persists.

(16:10):
And that's so true.
When I was fighting the innercritic, I was actually giving it
more power.
I was making it the enemy, whichmeans that it became bigger and
scarier.
So instead of that.
I learned to disarm the innercritic.

(16:30):
I took away its power bychanging my relationship with
it.
Easier said than done, but Iknow these next techniques will
help.
On a very practical level.
So the first technique is nameit and externalize it.
I actually found this a funexercise to do.

(16:52):
Give your inner critic a nameand an identity that's separate
from yourself.
Some of the clients I work withcall their inner critic, the
judge the perfectionist.
Or the Gremlin.
One client named her innercritic Brenda, because it
sounded like a middle-aged womanwho was perpetually

(17:15):
disappointed.
So when you externalize it, youcan then create some distance.
So instead of thinking, Ugh, I'ma failure, it becomes.
Oh, Brenda's at it again,telling me I'm a failure.
You could even visualize what itlooks like.
Maybe it's a grumpy troll.

(17:37):
A stressed out boss.
Maybe it's actually your fourthgrade teacher who told you you'd
never amount to anything.
The point is it's not you.
It's a voice.
And voices can be managed.
For my inner critic, Iimmediately felt drawn towards

(17:58):
Monica Geller from"Friends"because she wants everything
just so she feels responsiblefor everyone.
She over prepares and overfunctions, and then she gets
very anxious if things aren'tperfect, but actually she just
wants to be loved and feel safe,I felt very akin to Monica

(18:21):
Geller.
And so sometimes I willvisualize her when I hear my
inner critic, also I relate insome ways.
To Claire Dunphy from ModernFamily because she has, such
high expectations.
She wants everything organizedgets overwhelmed quite easily
tries to hide it, and takes onmore than she needs to.

(18:45):
That's definitely me.
I'll hold everything together sono one gets upset and then
perhaps afterwards I'll lose itand then somebody else that I
resonated with in a sort ofweird way, I guess, is Mary
Poppins because she's veryproper and polished and she

(19:07):
knows the right way.
She doesn't tolerate chaos.
And I remember saying this.
To Neil so many times, oh mygosh, you love chaos.
I can't tolerate chaos.
And also as painful it is tosay, I think Mary Poppins has
this sort of subtle superioritythat masks her insecurity.

(19:31):
So when I started thinking aboutwho my critic was what she
looked like where she was comingfrom, and I really understood
her more.
I named her and it definitelygave me this separation between
me and the voice.
And the second technique, whichactually is one of my favorite

(19:51):
because it's weirdly effective,and it's also so much fun, is
changing the voice.
So when you hear your innercritic start, maybe it's saying.
You're going to fail.
Everyone will see howincompetent you are.
Change the voice.
You can make it sound likeanything you want to, like maybe

(20:13):
a cartoon character.
Give it a funky voice.
Give it a crazy voice.
Give it a sultry, sexy voice.
Ooh, baby, you are going to failso hard.
Give it a Shakespearean actorvoice or a robot.
Or maybe, your drunk uncle atThanksgiving or Christmas.

(20:36):
I mean, I'm being totallyserious.
Try it.
Think of something that yourinner critic says to you on a
regular basis, and now say itout loud in the voice of a
cartoon character.
Almost impossible to take itseriously.
Right?
And I've done this so manytimes.

(20:58):
It works because it disrupts theautomatic emotional response
that we have.
So it's impossible for ourbrains to be terrified, to be
scared and think something isfunny at the same time.
Honestly, try it.
It's so much fun and it reallyworks.

(21:18):
The third technique is to thankyour inner critic and then
redirect it when the innercritic shows up instead of
fighting it.
You can thank it.
Thank you for trying to protectme, and I've got this.
Because remember that your innercritic thinks that it's helping.

(21:40):
It's trying to keep you safefrom failing, from being
rejected, from feeling thatshame.
And so when we acknowledge itsintention, and then we gently
ask it to step aside, that couldlook like, hey, thanks inner
critic.

(22:00):
I know you're worried.
I'll embarrass myself.
I really appreciate you tryingto keep me safe, but I've
prepared, I'm competent, andeven if I mess up, I'm going to
be okay.
So you can take a break now.
And the fourth technique comesfrom Byron Katie's the Work,
which I absolutely love.

(22:22):
She, completely changed my lifeseveral years ago and I will
record a podcast episode on thatbecause it was such a pivotal
moment in my life.
But ask your inner critic.
Is that true?
So when you hear you are notsmart enough for this, you can
ask it.

(22:43):
Is that true?
Can you absolutely know thatthat's true?
And often the answer is no, orat least it's not absolutely
true.
And then you can ask yourself,what would I do if I didn't
believe this thought?
And if you didn't believe thethought, you're not smart enough

(23:05):
for this, maybe then you wouldapply for that job.
Maybe you would have thatconversation with your boss
about a pay raise.
Maybe you would try whateverthat new thing is.
In that moment, then yes, Iwould try that new drill.
I would try that new pickleballshot.

(23:27):
I would go and play in thattournament.
That feels like I'm stretchingmyself outside my comfort zone
and the fifth technique.
Is to be compassionate with ourinner critic.
This is where you become yourown advocate.
So when our critic says You area failure, you can respond

(23:52):
preferably out loud.
That's not true.
I'm learning.
I'm doing my best.
I'm worthy even when I makemistakes.
And when the critic says you aretoo much, you can say, I'm not
too much.
I'm exactly enough.
The right people appreciate allof me.

(24:16):
It's not just positivity, it'snot pretending that everything
is perfect.
It's actually speaking toyourself the way that you would
speak to someone you love.
It's the way that you wouldspeak to one of your children.
It's the way that you wouldspeak to your best friend or

(24:36):
your partner, because youwouldn't tell any of them that
they're a worthless failure.
You would remind them of theirstrengths and how much effort
they are putting into something,and so when we can do that for
ourselves, that changeseverything.
I do this throughout the daywhen I become aware of my inner

(25:01):
critic talking.
And again, let's go back to thepickleball court and my inner
critic is saying, little MissPerfect is standing there
telling me Don't try that newskill.
Don't try that shot.
You're not going to make it.
I can say.
Hmm.

(25:21):
Thank you for showing up.
Thank you for trying to keep mesafe.
I know you have my bestinterests at heart, but I'm
okay.
I've got this.
I'm courageous enough, I'm braveenough to try this, and if I
fail, it's all right because I'mnot perfect.

(25:42):
I'm human.
And I really want to try thisshot now, and I'm with friends
and no one is going to laugh atme.
In fact, when I try this shot,I'm giving others permission to
also try things that are new forthem as well.
So it's not like we are tryingto achieve perfect silence in

(26:05):
our heads.
We are becoming the boss of ourown minds.
Let me summarize the three stepreset we can all do when the
critic attacks.
One pause, take a breath, don'treact immediately to the voice.
Number two, name it.

(26:25):
Ah, this is my inner criticspeaking.
This is Monica Geller speaking.
This is Mary Poppins speaking.
Three, choose a response.
Thank you for trying to protectme, but I've got this.
Or change the voice or ask, isit true?
Every time we do this, we'rebuilding a new muscle.

(26:47):
It does take practice.
It doesn't come the first timewe try it.
Be patient with yourself.
So this week I invite you tonotice name and play, and if you
catch yourself being harsh withyourself about being harsh with
yourself, that's just the critictrying to stay relevant, and now

(27:11):
you can see what it's doing andthat changes everything.
here are the key takeaways fromtoday's episode.
Your inner critic is a terribleroommate.
Number one, your inner critic isbiology, not truth.
It's your brain's overprotectivealarm system trying and failing
to keep you safe from rejectionand failure.

(27:34):
Negativity.
Bias is evolution, not acharacter flaw.
Number two, you are not yourthoughts.
You are the one observing them.
The moment you can say, that'smy inner critic talking instead
of I'm not good enough.
You've created the distance thatchanges everything.

(27:56):
Number three, don't fight it.
Disarm it.
Give it a silly name.
Change its voice to a cartooncharacter.
Thank it and redirect it.
What you resist persists, somake it ridiculous instead.
Number four, the critic deals inabsolutes.

(28:16):
Reality doesn't when it says youare a failure, ask, is that
actually true?
Usually it's not.
The critic likes tocatastrophize.
You get to fact check.
Number five.
The goal isn't silence.
It's about being the boss.
You can't eliminate the critic,but you can stop letting it make

(28:40):
decisions.
It can have opinions, but youhave the final say.
Thank you for being here today.
Thank you for showing up anddoing this work with me, and if
this episode resonated, take amoment to share it with a friend
who might need this reminder.
And if you're ready to explorethis work more deeply to

(29:02):
reconnect with your true selfand move beyond old patterns.
You can find me on Facebook, onInstagram, or send me an email.
So until next time, keepbreathing, keep playing, and
keep feeling, because that'swhere real freedom begins.

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