August 12, 2025 • 27 mins
I want to hear from you! Send me a TEXT ---
In this episode, Vanisha R. Dailey explores the complexities of adult friendships, the impact of the pandemic on social connections, and the loneliness epidemic exacerbated by social media. She shares personal experiences and insights on navigating social anxiety, the importance of genuine connections, and practical tips for building friendships through shared interests and intentional actions.
Sources Used for this Episode:
Click Here For My Discount!
Thank you for visiting!
Vanisha R. Dailey, Please Say The Dailey
SayTheDailey@gmail.com
Become A Supporter Of The Show:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2452408/support
Instagram: @VanishaRDailey https://www.instagram.com/vanishardailey?igsh=MWthN3prZzVyeHYycw%3D%3D&utm_source=qr
Threads: @VanishaRDailey https://www.threads.net/@vanishardailey?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
Instagram Fitness Account: @VanishaFIT https://www.instagram.com/vanishafit?igsh=MTZyMWNvMG9scHMwMQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr
Love the music playing on my podcast? Check out the talented @StrBabyJackson on Instagram and thank me later!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 02 (00:00):
Number one, and I don't want to be the person
who's like asking you, whathappened to your podcast?
But like, girl, what happenedto your podcast?
What happened?
And I know that life has beeninsane over the last few months
for everybody.
I just, in the last fewmessages that we have exchanged,
there's always a podcast worthymoment.
(00:21):
And yet it's still, when I goto the podcast app on my iPhone,
ain't no new episodes.
So, you know, just curious.
Love you, mean it.
Speaker 01 (00:47):
You are now tuned into Vanisha R Dailey.
Please say the Dailey.
Hey, hey, y'all.
(01:07):
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to episode nine ofPlease Say the Dailey.
I am your host, Vanisha R.
Dailey.
I appreciate you all beingpatient with me during my little
hiatus.
And I love that my friends areholding me accountable because
(01:28):
that was a hilarious messagefrom my friend India.
Hey boo, you know I had to usethat clip on this episode.
So thank you for that.
No, but seriously, this isexactly why I need to make some
shorter episodes so that I cankeep things afloat over here and
we can continue to build onthis platform.
I've missed you guys.
(01:49):
And I hope you stay tuned forthe entire episode.
I want to jump right in sinceit's been a while.
But before we do, go ahead andclick that follow button.
Let's get into it.
So How often do you hear peopletalk about their challenges
(02:16):
with connecting with new peopleand making friends in their
adulthood?
Over the past few years, thisdiscussion seems to be quite
popular.
People make posts on socialmedia like, how do you make
friends as an adult?
And I wanted to have aconversation about this because
it is evident that a lot ofpeople seem to be having the
(02:38):
same issue.
And ironically, thisconversation is taking place
during a period when I've beenmuch more social.
So first, let's take a look atmy own friendships and
background story before we diveinto what's happening within our
society and our interpersonalrelationships.
(02:58):
Thank you so much for watching.
(03:19):
I've become aware of the factthat different types of
friendships fill our cups in avariety of ways, and we interact
with these people differentlydepending upon what we tend to
bond over, our comfort level,and history with these people.
I have sentimental and activefriendships.
(03:41):
My three close friends that Ispeak to frequently through text
messages, phone calls, orFaceTime, we're typically in
contact multiple times a week.
But this isn't always the case.
I do have a best friend from mychildhood who I've been friends
with since we were seven yearsold.
And as for the other two, I metthem when I was about 22 or 23
(04:05):
years old.
So these are friendships thatare well over 15 years in the
making.
That's not including thesentimental friendships that
I've started to pour moreattention into as of recent.
These are friendships that werebirthed from shared history,
and they have value.
A lot of my dance friends fallinto this category, as well as
(04:29):
my yogis and Oregonian friendstoo.
But as far as my dancefriends...
We used to spend so much timetogether between training and
performing on stage, and thatbuilt such a strong historical
bond that even though we may golong periods without speaking,
when we do catch up, there's agenuine feeling of love,
(04:52):
connectedness, and familiaritythat coexists effortlessly.
I don't know what it is, butI've had multiple people
reconnect with me this year.
All of these people fall intothat sentimental category as
well and have also known me formany years.
We've been living far away fromone another on our own life
(05:14):
journeys, so we haven't beenable to spend time together.
But as of this year, those sameindividuals either just so
happened to be in my city, theyinvited me out on a trip to join
them, or I was traveling totheir town.
So we made a plan together.
and put in actual effort tolink up even if it was just for
an hour over lunch.
(05:34):
I've been really appreciativeof these moments because it
brought into focus just how muchI've missed being more social
and how much I needed it.
Listen, having a baby duringthe pandemic and then also
transitioning into being astay-at-home mother Thank you
(05:57):
for watching.
These friendships are theepitome of chosen family, and
(06:22):
they likely concealed a lot ofwhat I eventually realized that
I was missing.
But now, not only have I beenmore inclined to accepting an
invitation to connect withothers, but I've also had the
capacity to socialize more.
I've done more socializing inthis year than I have in the
(06:44):
past four years, and that says alot, y'all.
When you feel good aboutyourself and you have solid
friendships with great people,it literally improves your
overall well-being.
We laugh, we get vulnerable, wesupport and even inspire each
other.
I often feel so rejuvenatedafter spending time with these
(07:09):
individuals.
And sure, there will likely besome bumps along the way, which
is totally normal, especiallywhen sustaining long-term
friendships relationships ingeneral of any kind, but we have
to be willing to face conflictin a healthy manner.
I listened to a podcastrecently that featured the
(07:32):
amazing Durand Bernarr, and hesaid that we often give our
romantic partners more chancesthan we do our friendships.
And if that ain't a whole word,I don't know what is.
All of the communication skillsthat we harp on and on about
with romantic relationships arethe same exact skills that are
(07:52):
necessary for platonicfriendships.
And being a good friend meansthat you should want to move
with care, consideration, andrespect for that person and the
relationship that you havetogether.
So, moment of truth.
If you are a person that findsit to be challenging to make
(08:14):
friends in your adulthood, Ihave a genuine question for you.
How are you making an effort toconnect with people?
Because I have a feeling that alot of us do desire connection,
but our actions are likely notaligning with the desired
outcome.
And with that, I want to sharewhat my friend India had to say
(08:36):
on this topic of making friends.
Speaker 02 (08:40):
I'm like, we don't have to make this so damn hard.
If you want to get to knowsomebody, say so.
And if they say no, then youmove on.
You do have to move on withyour life.
That's the part that I thinkpeople get tripped up on.
They think they won't be ableto handle rejection.
And I'm like, well, yeah, itnever feels good.
But the more you...
(09:00):
do it, the easier it gets tomanage that feeling.
So you have this desire toconnect with new people.
You try to connect with newpeople.
Some of them are hits.
Some of them are misses.
You go with the hits until theconnection moves somewhere and
then rinse and repeat.
Like, yeah, we just, we make itmore complicated than it needs
to be for me being honest aboutwhat I have the capacity to do
(09:21):
and then operating in thatcapacity, but not being mad at
When somebody else does not havethe same capacity as me.
I think that's the part I'vehad to learn.
Like with.
With you know who.
I had the capacity for.
A more.
Intimate connection.
Than they had the capacity for.
(09:42):
And you can't be mad whensomebody is honest with you.
By the fact that they're notlooking for the same thing
you're looking for.
Go find somebody who islooking.
What you're looking for.
Like stop trying to forcepeople into connections.
That they are telling you.
They don't want.
That's the other thing.
Some of us are trying toconnect with people that don't
actually want the same shit wewant.
Go find people who want whatyou want.
Speaker 01 (10:19):
Social studies have found data that completely
validates that we are in aloneliness epidemic that
directly impacts the quality ofour interpersonal relationships.
Whether that be romanticrelationships, family-oriented,
or friendships, the averageperson's social life has
(10:40):
dwindled.
Even though the averageAmerican has become less and
less social over the past fewdecades, It's no surprise that
COVID shifted our ability to tapinto our people skills.
The combination of societalshifts, convenience, ease of
(11:00):
access, and social media beingthe number one way that we
connect with others now has cutdown on the amount of
face-to-face interactions thatwe have with our friends by more
than half.
And more people areintentionally choosing their
solitude instead of prioritizingfriendships.
(11:21):
In an article written byCarolyn Bruckman in 2025
entitled The FriendshipRecession, The Lost Art of
Connecting, quote, when not usedwell, the result of solitude
isn't just fewer friendships.
It's a fundamental loss of theability to form and sustain
(11:43):
them, end quote.
Social media continues tocripple a lot of people's
ability to naturally engage withothers.
We hide behind these accounts,snooping, observing all of the
things that folks post about.
We watch them so often withoutever interacting with them.
Why?
You get the access withoutintentionally putting in the
(12:06):
work and time to get to knowsomeone and build a trustworthy
friendship.
Digital media has allowed us tocurate surface-level
relationships and assume them tobe substantial enough for
genuine interpersonal connectionand longevity.
And they are not.
And to be honest, this has beena gripe of mine as of late.
(12:30):
It drives me insane how manypeople I know in person that
will watch my story on aconsistent basis, but they never
have anything to say to methere.
Now look, I'm not saying thatyou have to interact with
everything that I post, but isit not weird to you all that
some of these people that weknow in person, I'm not talking
(12:53):
about the strangers, but theindividuals that we are very
familiar with, they just watchour stories without ever
engaging with us for months onend, like no reaction, not even
a heart emoji.
I cannot be the only personthat experiences this.
Honestly, I've started toshorten my close friends list
(13:13):
more and even block people fromseeing my story altogether.
Because what's the purpose?
No hard feelings, y'all.
So what seems to be the majorthing that has made so many
people shift their focus awayfrom their social lives?
Well, there are a few differentissues.
In a United States study thatfocused on generational shifts
(13:36):
in work values found that peoplewho focused their attention on
obtaining job positions thatwere extremely meaningful to
them, helpful to others, andsociety, these people commonly
had issues with not havingquality friendships in their
personal lives, despite doingsuch meaningful work.
And according to BusinessInsider, work is one of the
(13:59):
major reasons for this socialdilemma.
They stated that 77% ofAmericans work more than 40
hours a week.
There has also been a majorincrease in commuting times for
the average worker over theyears.
But more than ever, we are moreinclined to work from home
these days with the rise of gigeconomy, specifically with
(14:24):
social media influencers leadingthe way.
I learned something new becauseI did not know that this was
called gig economy.
Interesting.
Another cause on the list areour familial relationships.
Parents are spending more timewith their children now than
parents did in previousgenerations.
(14:44):
I can't mention that factwithout adding in that this is
because many people don't have atrusted community that they can
rely on for support and safetyfor their children.
But when you have a populationof workers that spend so much
time working, it makes sensethat many of them would feel the
need to pour more time andattention into their families,
(15:07):
their home life.
So at this point, we arealready seeing how time
allotment is challenging whentrying to cultivate friendships.
In a Harvard study by theMaking Caring Common Project,
when the participants wereasked, what do they think is
contributing to the lonelinessepidemic in America?
(15:28):
73% of them said technology,which we know that includes
social media.
followed by not spending enoughtime with family at 66%.
More than half of the peoplethat participated in the study
mentioned that they don't feellike they can be themselves
around their own family memberswith the quality of the
(15:50):
relationship not being up topar.
For example, not feelingappreciated by their loved ones
or only feeling relevant totheir family because they're
useful to them in some way.
But the third reason listed, iswork life yet again, with 62%
of people mentioning that theywere too busy and too exhausted
(16:14):
to interact with others.
I like this study because itreally got into more of the
underlying reasons of this topicbecause it's so much more
complex than just a populationof people feeling lonely.
They also stated that about 60%of the respondents mentioned
having issues with their mentalhealth, individualism in
(16:36):
society, and that a lot ofpeople lack interpersonal
relationship skills.
which do include factors likeconflict resolution skills or
even being closed off due to themistrust of people.
And get this, 81% of the peoplethat said that they're lonely
in the study also battle anxietyor depression.
(16:59):
Expressing not having deepemotional connections with
others, not feeling like theybelong to a meaningful group of
people, feeling completelydisconnected from others.
There goes that communityagain, right?
But I want to go back to themental health part.
Let's have a discussion aboutanxiety, which I was diagnosed
(17:21):
with ADHD and anxiety last year.
Okay, even though I'm great atinteracting with people, I
struggle with social anxiety.
So experiencing socialsettings, especially new ones,
can be very overwhelming on mynervous system most times.
And don't get me wrong, eventhough I have the ability to
(17:45):
connect with others and Itypically have a great time
doing it, I really, really enjoymy own solitude.
I love tucking myself away inthe house for days on end until
I'm ready to emerge again with afull social battery.
We'll save the personality typediscussion for another episode.
(18:05):
But while my comfort zone is socomfortable and safe, I figured
out that if I don't push myselfto go outside of that zone, I
will miss out on manyopportunities for personal
growth and experiences by simplynot challenging myself to
experience discomfort at times.
After I understood this veryfact and continued to be very
(18:29):
intentional about how I wasfacing the world, it had a major
positive impact on not just myinterpersonal skills, but how I
was showing up in my own life,whether that be professionally
or even artistically.
So let me give you a littlestory time.
This may sound familiar to someof you because I posted about
(18:50):
it when it had initiallyhappened.
Earlier this summer, I hadplans to hang out with a new
mommy friend.
Hey, Bri.
She and I met at a park lastyear when our daughters started
playing together.
And then she and I startedhaving a conversation and really
just hit it off.
Come to find out, insert NickiMinaj, we share so many
(19:15):
similarities.
It's honestly crazy.
Our birthdays are four daysapart.
Our daughter's birthdays are inthe same month.
And on that first day that wemet one another as we were
parting ways, we realized thatwe also drive the same car, just
in a different color.
Twin, where have you been?
(19:36):
But anyway, I planned on goingover to her place and she
messaged me saying that she wasgoing to have two other friends
coming over as well and that Ishould meet them.
My heart dropped.
because I wasn't mentallyprepared to meet new people.
And then I started secondguessing my initial plans of
(19:57):
going over to her place like, doI really want to hang out
today?
I could just stay at home andchill out.
But I knew that this was justmy anxiety speaking because I
was overwhelmed at the thoughtof having to socialize with new
people so soon.
So I pushed those thoughtsaside, stayed positive and made
myself show up anyway.
But when these sorts of socialsituations come about, we have
(20:22):
no idea what we may be walkinginto.
We can only hope that ourfriends, especially newer
friends that we're still gettingfamiliar with, use a similar
discernment to our own whenvetting the people that they
choose to spend their time with,in hopes that everything will
be copacetic and enjoyable forall parties involved, instead of
having to mingle with peoplethat you don't really mesh well
(20:44):
with.
The aftermath?
Well, one person didn't showup, so that was less pressure.
But all three of us sat aroundand had great conversations
about everything under the sun,from relationships to the art
scene here in Savannah to thecomplexities of being a Black
woman navigating professionalspaces.
(21:06):
I got acquainted with a coolnew person and we connected on
IG.
Sounds like a win to me.
People that don't experiencethis sort of social anxiety seem
to assume that it's an easy offbutton.
They're usually like, oh,Venetia, don't worry.
They're going to enjoy yourcompany.
They'll like you.
And that's what a lot of peoplemisinterpret is that my
(21:29):
feelings are based aroundwanting to be liked or accepted
by others.
And while that may be true forsome people, I know that's not
the case for me.
I usually come off as likableto others.
And even if people don't likeme, I honestly don't believe I
would care enough to beconcerned at this point in my
life.
That's likely from being suchan awkward Black girl my entire
(21:52):
life.
I can't be everyone's cup oftea, and that is okay.
Because one thing about me, I'mgonna always find my people.
But can we please not downplaya person's struggles with
dealing with debilitatinganxiety and assume that they can
just push that feeling asideand then they can effortlessly
set out to do whatever it isthat they want?
(22:14):
This is the same energy that alot of people have when it comes
to mental health in general, asthough people are legitimately
choosing to be stuck on certainchallenges.
And that just isn't the case atall.
Even though social anxiety canbe a hindrance for people and
extremely challenging to workthrough, it does make me chuckle
(22:35):
when I think of how much weworry and get ourselves worked
up when there's often notanything to worry about to begin
with, at least in my ownexperience.
So how do we start the journeyof being more social and
possibly befriending people?
It starts with simple actionsthat center around things that
(22:58):
you enjoy doing or care about.
For example, if you likepoetry, join a local poetry
group through Facebook or go toan open mic night.
If you like working out, youcan strike up a friendly
conversation with a familiarface that you've been seeing at
the gym.
You have to go on a consistentbasis to recognize people,
(23:18):
y'all.
No shade.
Local running groups andfitness groups are popular these
days.
Or maybe you like reading.
Join a book club or go to thelocal library or a cafe.
Allow yourself to be open forconnection.
And when I say open, I mean saygood morning to a person as you
walk by.
(23:38):
Give someone eye contact and afriendly smile.
Y'all.
It is crazy the amount of timesthat I have walked past people
at the gym.
Let's say I'm about to walkpast another woman and I want to
compliment her hair or heroutfit.
I love complimenting people.
It's just what I do.
It is wild how often they won'teven look in my direction.
(23:59):
They're just looking down withtheir headphones on.
So maybe all it would take isfor you to get outside and just
be a little more personable inyour day-to-day life.
I think you'd be pleasantlysurprised to see how far those
basic actions go and also howmuch of an impact it can have on
not just yourself, but theothers that are the recipients
(24:23):
of simple acts of kindness froma stranger.
The major thing with threadingsocial connection is to lead
with genuine curiosity,intention, and care.
It's okay to be interested orintrigued by a person.
Lead with consideration andpoliteness.
Ask appropriate questions andstart connecting.
(24:45):
So Yes, I am so glad that Ifinally got this episode wrapped
up for you all because my hopeis that this message reaches
someone out there that needs ajumpstart to their social life.
(25:08):
And hey, if you are someonethat can relate to this episode
in any way or you have any tipsand tricks on how to make
friends, please leave a commentby clicking the hyperlink in the
description box below entitled,I want to hear from you.
Also, if you enjoyed thisepisode today And lastly, please
(25:35):
make sure that you like, share,and also follow this podcast.
Until next time.
Number one, and I don't want to be the person
who's like asking you, whathappened to your podcast?
But like, girl, what happenedto your podcast?
What happened?
And I know that life has beeninsane over the last few months
for everybody.
I just, in the last fewmessages that we have exchanged,
there's always a podcast worthymoment.
(00:21):
And yet it's still, when I goto the podcast app on my iPhone,
ain't no new episodes.
So, you know, just curious.
Love you, mean it.
Speaker 01 (00:47):
You are now tuned into Vanisha R Dailey.
Please say the Dailey.
Hey, hey, y'all.
(01:07):
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to episode nine ofPlease Say the Dailey.
I am your host, Vanisha R.
Dailey.
I appreciate you all beingpatient with me during my little
hiatus.
And I love that my friends areholding me accountable because
(01:28):
that was a hilarious messagefrom my friend India.
Hey boo, you know I had to usethat clip on this episode.
So thank you for that.
No, but seriously, this isexactly why I need to make some
shorter episodes so that I cankeep things afloat over here and
we can continue to build onthis platform.
I've missed you guys.
(01:49):
And I hope you stay tuned forthe entire episode.
I want to jump right in sinceit's been a while.
But before we do, go ahead andclick that follow button.
Let's get into it.
So How often do you hear peopletalk about their challenges
(02:16):
with connecting with new peopleand making friends in their
adulthood?
Over the past few years, thisdiscussion seems to be quite
popular.
People make posts on socialmedia like, how do you make
friends as an adult?
And I wanted to have aconversation about this because
it is evident that a lot ofpeople seem to be having the
(02:38):
same issue.
And ironically, thisconversation is taking place
during a period when I've beenmuch more social.
So first, let's take a look atmy own friendships and
background story before we diveinto what's happening within our
society and our interpersonalrelationships.
(02:58):
Thank you so much for watching.
(03:19):
I've become aware of the factthat different types of
friendships fill our cups in avariety of ways, and we interact
with these people differentlydepending upon what we tend to
bond over, our comfort level,and history with these people.
I have sentimental and activefriendships.
(03:41):
My three close friends that Ispeak to frequently through text
messages, phone calls, orFaceTime, we're typically in
contact multiple times a week.
But this isn't always the case.
I do have a best friend from mychildhood who I've been friends
with since we were seven yearsold.
And as for the other two, I metthem when I was about 22 or 23
(04:05):
years old.
So these are friendships thatare well over 15 years in the
making.
That's not including thesentimental friendships that
I've started to pour moreattention into as of recent.
These are friendships that werebirthed from shared history,
and they have value.
A lot of my dance friends fallinto this category, as well as
(04:29):
my yogis and Oregonian friendstoo.
But as far as my dancefriends...
We used to spend so much timetogether between training and
performing on stage, and thatbuilt such a strong historical
bond that even though we may golong periods without speaking,
when we do catch up, there's agenuine feeling of love,
(04:52):
connectedness, and familiaritythat coexists effortlessly.
I don't know what it is, butI've had multiple people
reconnect with me this year.
All of these people fall intothat sentimental category as
well and have also known me formany years.
We've been living far away fromone another on our own life
(05:14):
journeys, so we haven't beenable to spend time together.
But as of this year, those sameindividuals either just so
happened to be in my city, theyinvited me out on a trip to join
them, or I was traveling totheir town.
So we made a plan together.
and put in actual effort tolink up even if it was just for
an hour over lunch.
(05:34):
I've been really appreciativeof these moments because it
brought into focus just how muchI've missed being more social
and how much I needed it.
Listen, having a baby duringthe pandemic and then also
transitioning into being astay-at-home mother Thank you
(05:57):
for watching.
These friendships are theepitome of chosen family, and
(06:22):
they likely concealed a lot ofwhat I eventually realized that
I was missing.
But now, not only have I beenmore inclined to accepting an
invitation to connect withothers, but I've also had the
capacity to socialize more.
I've done more socializing inthis year than I have in the
(06:44):
past four years, and that says alot, y'all.
When you feel good aboutyourself and you have solid
friendships with great people,it literally improves your
overall well-being.
We laugh, we get vulnerable, wesupport and even inspire each
other.
I often feel so rejuvenatedafter spending time with these
(07:09):
individuals.
And sure, there will likely besome bumps along the way, which
is totally normal, especiallywhen sustaining long-term
friendships relationships ingeneral of any kind, but we have
to be willing to face conflictin a healthy manner.
I listened to a podcastrecently that featured the
(07:32):
amazing Durand Bernarr, and hesaid that we often give our
romantic partners more chancesthan we do our friendships.
And if that ain't a whole word,I don't know what is.
All of the communication skillsthat we harp on and on about
with romantic relationships arethe same exact skills that are
(07:52):
necessary for platonicfriendships.
And being a good friend meansthat you should want to move
with care, consideration, andrespect for that person and the
relationship that you havetogether.
So, moment of truth.
If you are a person that findsit to be challenging to make
(08:14):
friends in your adulthood, Ihave a genuine question for you.
How are you making an effort toconnect with people?
Because I have a feeling that alot of us do desire connection,
but our actions are likely notaligning with the desired
outcome.
And with that, I want to sharewhat my friend India had to say
(08:36):
on this topic of making friends.
Speaker 02 (08:40):
I'm like, we don't have to make this so damn hard.
If you want to get to knowsomebody, say so.
And if they say no, then youmove on.
You do have to move on withyour life.
That's the part that I thinkpeople get tripped up on.
They think they won't be ableto handle rejection.
And I'm like, well, yeah, itnever feels good.
But the more you...
(09:00):
do it, the easier it gets tomanage that feeling.
So you have this desire toconnect with new people.
You try to connect with newpeople.
Some of them are hits.
Some of them are misses.
You go with the hits until theconnection moves somewhere and
then rinse and repeat.
Like, yeah, we just, we make itmore complicated than it needs
to be for me being honest aboutwhat I have the capacity to do
(09:21):
and then operating in thatcapacity, but not being mad at
When somebody else does not havethe same capacity as me.
I think that's the part I'vehad to learn.
Like with.
With you know who.
I had the capacity for.
A more.
Intimate connection.
Than they had the capacity for.
(09:42):
And you can't be mad whensomebody is honest with you.
By the fact that they're notlooking for the same thing
you're looking for.
Go find somebody who islooking.
What you're looking for.
Like stop trying to forcepeople into connections.
That they are telling you.
They don't want.
That's the other thing.
Some of us are trying toconnect with people that don't
actually want the same shit wewant.
Go find people who want whatyou want.
Speaker 01 (10:19):
Social studies have found data that completely
validates that we are in aloneliness epidemic that
directly impacts the quality ofour interpersonal relationships.
Whether that be romanticrelationships, family-oriented,
or friendships, the averageperson's social life has
(10:40):
dwindled.
Even though the averageAmerican has become less and
less social over the past fewdecades, It's no surprise that
COVID shifted our ability to tapinto our people skills.
The combination of societalshifts, convenience, ease of
(11:00):
access, and social media beingthe number one way that we
connect with others now has cutdown on the amount of
face-to-face interactions thatwe have with our friends by more
than half.
And more people areintentionally choosing their
solitude instead of prioritizingfriendships.
(11:21):
In an article written byCarolyn Bruckman in 2025
entitled The FriendshipRecession, The Lost Art of
Connecting, quote, when not usedwell, the result of solitude
isn't just fewer friendships.
It's a fundamental loss of theability to form and sustain
(11:43):
them, end quote.
Social media continues tocripple a lot of people's
ability to naturally engage withothers.
We hide behind these accounts,snooping, observing all of the
things that folks post about.
We watch them so often withoutever interacting with them.
Why?
You get the access withoutintentionally putting in the
(12:06):
work and time to get to knowsomeone and build a trustworthy
friendship.
Digital media has allowed us tocurate surface-level
relationships and assume them tobe substantial enough for
genuine interpersonal connectionand longevity.
And they are not.
And to be honest, this has beena gripe of mine as of late.
(12:30):
It drives me insane how manypeople I know in person that
will watch my story on aconsistent basis, but they never
have anything to say to methere.
Now look, I'm not saying thatyou have to interact with
everything that I post, but isit not weird to you all that
some of these people that weknow in person, I'm not talking
(12:53):
about the strangers, but theindividuals that we are very
familiar with, they just watchour stories without ever
engaging with us for months onend, like no reaction, not even
a heart emoji.
I cannot be the only personthat experiences this.
Honestly, I've started toshorten my close friends list
(13:13):
more and even block people fromseeing my story altogether.
Because what's the purpose?
No hard feelings, y'all.
So what seems to be the majorthing that has made so many
people shift their focus awayfrom their social lives?
Well, there are a few differentissues.
In a United States study thatfocused on generational shifts
(13:36):
in work values found that peoplewho focused their attention on
obtaining job positions thatwere extremely meaningful to
them, helpful to others, andsociety, these people commonly
had issues with not havingquality friendships in their
personal lives, despite doingsuch meaningful work.
And according to BusinessInsider, work is one of the
(13:59):
major reasons for this socialdilemma.
They stated that 77% ofAmericans work more than 40
hours a week.
There has also been a majorincrease in commuting times for
the average worker over theyears.
But more than ever, we are moreinclined to work from home
these days with the rise of gigeconomy, specifically with
(14:24):
social media influencers leadingthe way.
I learned something new becauseI did not know that this was
called gig economy.
Interesting.
Another cause on the list areour familial relationships.
Parents are spending more timewith their children now than
parents did in previousgenerations.
(14:44):
I can't mention that factwithout adding in that this is
because many people don't have atrusted community that they can
rely on for support and safetyfor their children.
But when you have a populationof workers that spend so much
time working, it makes sensethat many of them would feel the
need to pour more time andattention into their families,
(15:07):
their home life.
So at this point, we arealready seeing how time
allotment is challenging whentrying to cultivate friendships.
In a Harvard study by theMaking Caring Common Project,
when the participants wereasked, what do they think is
contributing to the lonelinessepidemic in America?
(15:28):
73% of them said technology,which we know that includes
social media.
followed by not spending enoughtime with family at 66%.
More than half of the peoplethat participated in the study
mentioned that they don't feellike they can be themselves
around their own family memberswith the quality of the
(15:50):
relationship not being up topar.
For example, not feelingappreciated by their loved ones
or only feeling relevant totheir family because they're
useful to them in some way.
But the third reason listed, iswork life yet again, with 62%
of people mentioning that theywere too busy and too exhausted
(16:14):
to interact with others.
I like this study because itreally got into more of the
underlying reasons of this topicbecause it's so much more
complex than just a populationof people feeling lonely.
They also stated that about 60%of the respondents mentioned
having issues with their mentalhealth, individualism in
(16:36):
society, and that a lot ofpeople lack interpersonal
relationship skills.
which do include factors likeconflict resolution skills or
even being closed off due to themistrust of people.
And get this, 81% of the peoplethat said that they're lonely
in the study also battle anxietyor depression.
(16:59):
Expressing not having deepemotional connections with
others, not feeling like theybelong to a meaningful group of
people, feeling completelydisconnected from others.
There goes that communityagain, right?
But I want to go back to themental health part.
Let's have a discussion aboutanxiety, which I was diagnosed
(17:21):
with ADHD and anxiety last year.
Okay, even though I'm great atinteracting with people, I
struggle with social anxiety.
So experiencing socialsettings, especially new ones,
can be very overwhelming on mynervous system most times.
And don't get me wrong, eventhough I have the ability to
(17:45):
connect with others and Itypically have a great time
doing it, I really, really enjoymy own solitude.
I love tucking myself away inthe house for days on end until
I'm ready to emerge again with afull social battery.
We'll save the personality typediscussion for another episode.
(18:05):
But while my comfort zone is socomfortable and safe, I figured
out that if I don't push myselfto go outside of that zone, I
will miss out on manyopportunities for personal
growth and experiences by simplynot challenging myself to
experience discomfort at times.
After I understood this veryfact and continued to be very
(18:29):
intentional about how I wasfacing the world, it had a major
positive impact on not just myinterpersonal skills, but how I
was showing up in my own life,whether that be professionally
or even artistically.
So let me give you a littlestory time.
This may sound familiar to someof you because I posted about
(18:50):
it when it had initiallyhappened.
Earlier this summer, I hadplans to hang out with a new
mommy friend.
Hey, Bri.
She and I met at a park lastyear when our daughters started
playing together.
And then she and I startedhaving a conversation and really
just hit it off.
Come to find out, insert NickiMinaj, we share so many
(19:15):
similarities.
It's honestly crazy.
Our birthdays are four daysapart.
Our daughter's birthdays are inthe same month.
And on that first day that wemet one another as we were
parting ways, we realized thatwe also drive the same car, just
in a different color.
Twin, where have you been?
(19:36):
But anyway, I planned on goingover to her place and she
messaged me saying that she wasgoing to have two other friends
coming over as well and that Ishould meet them.
My heart dropped.
because I wasn't mentallyprepared to meet new people.
And then I started secondguessing my initial plans of
(19:57):
going over to her place like, doI really want to hang out
today?
I could just stay at home andchill out.
But I knew that this was justmy anxiety speaking because I
was overwhelmed at the thoughtof having to socialize with new
people so soon.
So I pushed those thoughtsaside, stayed positive and made
myself show up anyway.
But when these sorts of socialsituations come about, we have
(20:22):
no idea what we may be walkinginto.
We can only hope that ourfriends, especially newer
friends that we're still gettingfamiliar with, use a similar
discernment to our own whenvetting the people that they
choose to spend their time with,in hopes that everything will
be copacetic and enjoyable forall parties involved, instead of
having to mingle with peoplethat you don't really mesh well
(20:44):
with.
The aftermath?
Well, one person didn't showup, so that was less pressure.
But all three of us sat aroundand had great conversations
about everything under the sun,from relationships to the art
scene here in Savannah to thecomplexities of being a Black
woman navigating professionalspaces.
(21:06):
I got acquainted with a coolnew person and we connected on
IG.
Sounds like a win to me.
People that don't experiencethis sort of social anxiety seem
to assume that it's an easy offbutton.
They're usually like, oh,Venetia, don't worry.
They're going to enjoy yourcompany.
They'll like you.
And that's what a lot of peoplemisinterpret is that my
(21:29):
feelings are based aroundwanting to be liked or accepted
by others.
And while that may be true forsome people, I know that's not
the case for me.
I usually come off as likableto others.
And even if people don't likeme, I honestly don't believe I
would care enough to beconcerned at this point in my
life.
That's likely from being suchan awkward Black girl my entire
(21:52):
life.
I can't be everyone's cup oftea, and that is okay.
Because one thing about me, I'mgonna always find my people.
But can we please not downplaya person's struggles with
dealing with debilitatinganxiety and assume that they can
just push that feeling asideand then they can effortlessly
set out to do whatever it isthat they want?
(22:14):
This is the same energy that alot of people have when it comes
to mental health in general, asthough people are legitimately
choosing to be stuck on certainchallenges.
And that just isn't the case atall.
Even though social anxiety canbe a hindrance for people and
extremely challenging to workthrough, it does make me chuckle
(22:35):
when I think of how much weworry and get ourselves worked
up when there's often notanything to worry about to begin
with, at least in my ownexperience.
So how do we start the journeyof being more social and
possibly befriending people?
It starts with simple actionsthat center around things that
(22:58):
you enjoy doing or care about.
For example, if you likepoetry, join a local poetry
group through Facebook or go toan open mic night.
If you like working out, youcan strike up a friendly
conversation with a familiarface that you've been seeing at
the gym.
You have to go on a consistentbasis to recognize people,
(23:18):
y'all.
No shade.
Local running groups andfitness groups are popular these
days.
Or maybe you like reading.
Join a book club or go to thelocal library or a cafe.
Allow yourself to be open forconnection.
And when I say open, I mean saygood morning to a person as you
walk by.
(23:38):
Give someone eye contact and afriendly smile.
Y'all.
It is crazy the amount of timesthat I have walked past people
at the gym.
Let's say I'm about to walkpast another woman and I want to
compliment her hair or heroutfit.
I love complimenting people.
It's just what I do.
It is wild how often they won'teven look in my direction.
(23:59):
They're just looking down withtheir headphones on.
So maybe all it would take isfor you to get outside and just
be a little more personable inyour day-to-day life.
I think you'd be pleasantlysurprised to see how far those
basic actions go and also howmuch of an impact it can have on
not just yourself, but theothers that are the recipients
(24:23):
of simple acts of kindness froma stranger.
The major thing with threadingsocial connection is to lead
with genuine curiosity,intention, and care.
It's okay to be interested orintrigued by a person.
Lead with consideration andpoliteness.
Ask appropriate questions andstart connecting.
(24:45):
So Yes, I am so glad that Ifinally got this episode wrapped
up for you all because my hopeis that this message reaches
someone out there that needs ajumpstart to their social life.
(25:08):
And hey, if you are someonethat can relate to this episode
in any way or you have any tipsand tricks on how to make
friends, please leave a commentby clicking the hyperlink in the
description box below entitled,I want to hear from you.
Also, if you enjoyed thisepisode today And lastly, please
(25:35):
make sure that you like, share,and also follow this podcast.
Until next time.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Cardiac Cowboys
The heart was always off-limits to surgeons. Cutting into it spelled instant death for the patient. That is, until a ragtag group of doctors scattered across the Midwest and Texas decided to throw out the rule book. Working in makeshift laboratories and home garages, using medical devices made from scavenged machine parts and beer tubes, these men and women invented the field of open heart surgery. Odds are, someone you know is alive because of them. So why has history left them behind? Presented by Chris Pine, CARDIAC COWBOYS tells the gripping true story behind the birth of heart surgery, and the young, Greatest Generation doctors who made it happen. For years, they competed and feuded, racing to be the first, the best, and the most prolific. Some appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, operated on kings and advised presidents. Others ended up disgraced, penniless, and convicted of felonies. Together, they ignited a revolution in medicine, and changed the world.