Why So Many Adults Feel Lonely, and What We Can Do About It

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
You are now tuned in to Vanisha R Dailey.
Please Say the Dailey.
Hey, hey y'all! Welcome toanother episode of Please Say

(00:36):
the Dailey.
I am your host, Vanisha R.
Dailey, and this is episode 14.
Before we jump into today'sconversation, I have got to give
a heartfelt shout out tosomeone very special.
This individual has been my oneand only paid subscriber since

(00:58):
I started this journey.
Nikkia, thank you for believingin this mission of mine.
Thank you for supporting thispodcast for the past eight
months.
You a real one.
We all start somewhere, andthese are my very humble
beginnings.
Hello, somebody.
Your generosity and belief inme means more than I can say.

(01:22):
And also a little milestonemoment.
My show is beginning to reachinto new places.
The top five countries tuningin are the United States, of
course, Germany, Singapore, HongKong, and France.
That blows me away.
I appreciate each and every oneof you listening, sharing, and

(01:46):
showing up.
So if this episode speaks toyou, please follow the podcast
wherever you listen.
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, youname it.
I'm there, go ahead and follow.
And if something hits home,share it, rate it, send it to
someone who might need it.
That kind of support helps thisshow grow in ways that I am

(02:09):
genuinely grateful for.
Alright now, let's get into it.
I want to talk about one of themost painful yet very common
experiences for many adults.

(02:29):
The struggle to make and keepfriends.
Friendship feels like it shouldbe simple, right?
But for many, it's not.
We long for connection, butsomething keeps getting in the
way.
A friend of mine recently toldme that she admires how I vet
the people that I choose to keepclose.

(02:50):
She's seen how I lean in, how Ipause, how I observe.
And a lot of that vettingprocess, I think, comes from
hard lessons, observations, andlearning what works or doesn't
in my relationships.
I see so much discourse aroundfriendships, dating, and
building community.

(03:10):
And I am not sure if many of usrealize that those same skill
sets that we need to makemeaningful, long-lasting
connections can help us in eachof those arenas.
Where we have challenges aroundinteracting with others, those
underdeveloped skills can easilyshow up in one of three of
those areas, and even all ofthem under certain

(03:33):
circumstances.
I want to share some of thethings that I consider when
building a relationship withsomeone.
This might sound crazy to someof you, but this is something
that I've noticed over the yearsas I've gotten to know people
on various levels.
Within the first three to fivemonths of speaking and learning

(03:55):
about a person, I am usuallyable to tell whether we are a
good fit and whether I willactually continue to keep them
close to me.
And within those few months,better known as the honeymoon
phase in the dating world,something that I pay close
attention to is how we get alongwith one another.

(04:16):
If we've gotten into multipledisagreements, heated
conversations, andmisunderstandings within that
short window of time, that's amajor factor that I will keep a
watchful eye on.
Not saying that things couldnever get better, but in my
experience, that is usually theforeshadowing of how the

(04:37):
relationship will likely be.
And if you're a person thatlikes your peace like me, those
connections typically dissipatebecause of those fundamental
differences and lack of harmony.
So when we see these trendinghabits, it's good to ask

ourselves (04:55):
do I have the capacity for a friendship that
operates in this way as itsbaseline?
The first thing that I want tolead with is that none of us are
perfect.
We won't always get it right.
We are all coming to the tablewith our very unique
characteristics.
The awkwardness, the trauma,the triggers, the laughs, the

(05:19):
appropriateness, or lackthereof.
We have to understand that wewill not always make quality
connections with everyone thatwe meet.
And learning how to be okaywith that is probably the
biggest challenge, because ithurts our ego.
And for a lot of us, our innerchild that wishes for nothing

(05:39):
more than genuine connection inthe form of romantic or platonic
relationships.
So, yes, there will be hiccupsalong the way.
There will be some people thatwe misread, but all of these
situations are a part of thebigger picture of learning how
to better vet and connect.

(06:01):
So today I want to revisit thisdiscussion about friendships.
If you missed episode 9 of mypodcast, go check that out
because I shared some of my owndifficulties and also spoke on
how much our society has shifteddue to multiple factors that
are making many of us trip,stumble, and fumble within our

(06:25):
interpersonal relationships.
So let's talk about whyfriendship is so hard for us as
adults, how loneliness is morethan just a feeling, and what
practical, emotional tools wecan develop to make real
connection possible.
Let's root this in socialscience, of course, the

(06:47):
sociologist in me.
Because this isn't just afeeling, it's a real measurable
social phenomenon.
The Pew Research Centerconducted a survey on social
connections, and the data isnoteworthy.
According to their 2025 report,about 16% of US adults say they

(07:12):
feel lonely or isolated all ormost of the time.
And another 38% say they feellonely sometimes.
That means that over half of usreport some level of
loneliness.
Moreover, this loneliness isnot evenly distributed across

(07:34):
age.
Younger adults under 50 reportloneliness more often than older
adults.
That makes sense in some waysbecause younger people are still
building lives, socialnetworks, and stability all
during the age of digital media.
Meanwhile, older generationshave more established community

(07:56):
structures, but that does notmean that they are fully immune
to this.
Another key insight from Pewwas that adults who were asked
who they go to for emotionalsupport, 74% say their spouse or
partner, while only a verysmall number, around 5% or so,

(08:18):
say they rely primarily ononline communities or platforms.
In other words, the bulk of ouremotional support is still
coming from personal real-worldrelationships, not digital ones.
This tells us somethingimportant.
The crisis of loneliness is notjust about being alone.

(08:39):
It's about the quality ofconnection and whether we have
the capacity, structures, andemotional tools to sustain
meaningful relationships.
So honestly, I believe one ofthe core reasons why so many
adult connections falter isbecause we confuse chemistry

(08:59):
with compatibility.
Chemistry is exciting.
It's the initial spark.
The shared laughs, thediscovery of how we click, but
compatibility?
That's what determinesdurability.
When I assess whether to keepsomeone close, I'm not just

(09:20):
looking for who makes me feelgood in the moment.
I'm evaluating alignment.
Do our values align?
Is their way of communicatingsomething that I understand?
Do they match my pace andpriorities?
Is there emotional safety whenI show up with my full self?

(09:41):
Sometimes the people we'redrawn to don't have the rational
foundation to support along-lasting relationship,
whether that be romantic orplatonic.
And that's okay.
It doesn't mean anyone hasfailed.
It just means we need to leaninto intentionality, choosing

(10:03):
for sustainability, not justresonance.

(11:16):
And next we have accountabilityand effort.
These are the building blocksof trust in any relationship, if
you ask me.
Accountability is not blame,it's responsibility.
When someone cares, they don'tjust say, I'm sorry.
They show up, they repair, theyfollow through.

(11:40):
Real friendships requireconsistency.
They require small acts,reaching out, checking in,
initiating even when things arebusy or messy.
But here's something that I'venoticed, and that Pew data backs
up.
Emotional labor in friendshipsoften falls unevenly.

(12:02):
Some people carry more of itthan others.
If your friendships aredraining, if you feel like
you're doing more than half thework, or like you're always the
one asking, that's somethingimportant to observe.
Healthy friendships ask, can webalance?
Can we share the load?

(12:23):
Can we build trust over time?
When I build friendships now,I'm looking for people who not
only share laughter, but who arewilling to make an effort to
contribute to the friendship.
Is there genuine care, respect,and consideration?
Let's talk about personality.

(12:45):
I took a personality test thatI thought was pretty cool.
I'll have to find that link andadd it into the description box
below.
They included a part thatcovered introversion and
extroversion, and I was right inthe middle.
An extrovert is a person thatthrives off of human
interaction.

(13:06):
They gain energy from being insocial spaces and situations
that require them to be social.
My mother is the perfectexample of an extrovert.
That woman can go anywhere andstrike up a whole in-depth
conversation with a person.
This is naturally how she'salways been.
She'll randomly meet someone atthe store, hit it off with

(13:29):
them, they're laughing andcarrying on, and next thing you
know, they're exchangingnumbers.
But then we have introvertedpeople.
These are the ones who enjoyspaces of low stimulation.
These are typically people whoare more inclined to enjoy their

(13:49):
solitude.
Having a moment to themselveshelps them recharge.
Way too many people think thatbeing antisocial makes them an
introvert, but that isn't thecase.
Introverts are just low-keypeople.
And lastly, you have theambivert, which is where I fall.
These are the people who have ahealthy balance between both

(14:13):
worlds, introversion andextroversion.
And we may lean into being moreoutgoing, or not so much,
depending on the situation weare in.
I read an amazing piece onSubstack by Myleik Teele
entitled, You're bored becauseyou're boring.

(14:33):
And that's fixable.
You cannot be compelling if youare not curious.
Ooh, the title, it's hard.
But I truly believe anyone cantake something from it.
Hear me out.
I consider myself to be aninteresting person.
I have many interests and awide array of things that I just

(14:56):
love to nerd out on.
Y'all know I'm neurodivergent.
But there is never a momentwhere I feel like I cannot
expand a bit more or take inmore of the world around me.
My leik encourages us to exposeourselves to new things, even
things that we may not typicallygravitate toward, because it

(15:18):
takes us out of the mundane andcan inspire a spark, a new
interest, hobby, or simply aunique one-off experience for
ourselves.
People that are curious aboutthe world are often those people
that can hold a conversationwith just about anyone.
When we cultivate those habits,we become more compelling.

(15:42):
And when we become morecurious, we naturally attract a
lot of people who are curioustoo.
Curiosity is a skill, andhaving the ability to engage
with the world is such a strongquality to have.
I believe that these are theultimate community builders.

(16:03):
They are the glue for humanity.
She said that surroundingourselves with people who look
like us, think like us, parentlike us, and earn like us only
gives us an echo chamber tointeract with.

(16:24):
And while I agree with that, Iwant to add a tidbit more.
Intellectual compatibilitymatters.
Emotional maturity matters.
Worldview matters.
We really cannot gloss over theimportance of these because
they will eventually show up.

(16:45):
And then what do we do?
Tiptoe over touchy topics, hideparts of ourselves because we
don't want to cause adisruption.
You'll eventually question thequality of that relationship as
well.
I promise you, I have beenthere.
These are topics of discussionthat are dividing families and

(17:06):
friendships every day.
If we don't share somewhatsimilar foundations of values
and empathy around majorsocietal topics, politics,
social issues, care for theworld around us, we will bump
heads.
And that is a major sign ofincompatibility.

(17:27):
There's a sociological termcalled homophily, which

(18:03):
basically means that wegravitate toward people who feel
familiar.
And honestly, it makes sense.
Familiar feels safe.
But here's the twist.
Sometimes that instinct keepsour world way too small.
Homophily isn't a bad thingnecessarily.

(18:23):
It's human.
And it's also nice to havepeople that you can relate to.
However, when we become awareof this natural habit, it gives

us the opportunity to question: am I choosing connection or am I (18:34):
undefined
choosing comfort?
Because sometimes thefriendship we've been wanting,
the community we've been longingfor, is sitting just outside of
our comfort zone, waiting forus to create a little room.

(18:55):
Now let's discuss somethingthat's happening within our
society.
Hyper-individualism.
Our society prizes beingindependent.
That's not wrong.
Self-reliance is powerful.
But when independence comes ata detriment of one being

(19:15):
isolated from others all thetime, I'm talking about the
people that tuck themselves awayfrom everybody.
The possibility of friendshipsbecomes impossible in those
cases.
Those same people typicallycrave connection, but in
secrecy, but they don't know howto articulate it.

(19:36):
These adults don't buildfriendships because they're
afraid of being viewed as needy,or they've been hurt too many
times to even put themselves outthere.
They've thrown in the towel,and now they've convinced
themselves that they don't needanyone.
But what's really happening isthat there is a legitimate fear

(19:59):
of rejection.
There's a fear of therelationship not working.
But connecting requires risk.
If this is you, or you justwant to take a stab at
connecting with others, here's apractice to adopt.
The invitation practice.
More on this later.

(20:20):
Try making one small social askthis week.
A coffee date, a walk, or evenlunch.
Test out the waters.
If they decline, I'll be fine.
That's the motto here.
The lesson is in having thecourage to speak up and take

(20:41):
initiative by trying to connectwith someone.
That's a win.
Let's get practical.
Red flags and boundaries.
These can be the most confusingbecause we often mistake this
is hard because we're inconflict versus this is hard

(21:02):
because I need to protect mywell-being and peace.
This brings me back to theaudiobook that I recently
narrated, which was aboutboundaries.
I learned a few things, so letme share.
Some major red flags may looklike inconsistent behavior, not
owning mistakes, ignoringboundaries, making everything

(21:26):
about themselves, emotionalunavailability, jealousy
disguised as concern.
I'm sure a lot of these soundfamiliar, or you've experienced
them in your own journey.
So how do we navigate them?
With boundaries.
Boundaries don't shut peopleout.

(21:48):
They set limits.
They say, here's what I cangive, here's what I need, here's
how I need to be treated.
Boundaries help you protectyour emotional bandwidth.
They help you decide whodeserves a seat at your table.
Okay, let's bring all of ittogether.

(22:11):
Here are the things that youcan try this week, this month,
to grow your friendship buildingskills.
The Daily Curiosity Challenge.
Ask someone a non-surface levelquestion and listen without
interrupting.
Next, we have the weeklyinvitation practice.

(22:34):
As I mentioned earlier, invitesomeone for something small:
coffee, a walk, a dinner.
Even a virtual hangout wouldcount as well.
We have Zoom, we're in thedigital realm, let's utilize it.
Up next, we have the monthlyboundary reflection.

(22:56):
Write one boundary that mattersand practice saying it.
And lastly, we have the ongoingeffort audit.
Keep a list of the ways thatyour friends do show up.
Notice patterns of effort.
If something is missing,re-evaluate.
One of my friends recently didthis with me.

(23:19):
I just loved her intentionalitybehind it.
It was really a sweet thingjust to have that check-in with
my friend.
Friendship or any relationshipfor that matter is not
guaranteed.
And that can be scary.
People drift, people change,and sometimes we grieve the
relationships that never quitebecame what we hoped for.

(23:43):
But here's something powerful,and it's definitely one of the
most powerful things that I'velearned in my adulthood, because
it was one of the mostchallenging things that I've had
to navigate.
You can choose your community,your chosen family, your
village.
These are the people thatunderstand and show up for you.

(24:06):
Those are the real connections.
And as you do that, embrace thenow.
Give yourself grace for thelosses.
Celebrate the small wins.
Honor the people who lean in.
Let go of what no longer fits.
Because building ourinterpersonal relationships

(24:29):
aren't just transactional, theyare transformational.
To wrap this up, the crisis ofloneliness is real, but we can

(24:55):
build new rational skills.
Compatibility, curiosity,accountability, and boundaries
are all of the groundworknecessary.
Deep connections with peopledon't happen by accident.
They happen by intention andeffort.
I want to leave you with alittle call to action.

(25:18):
If this episode resonated withyou, if it made you think about
your friendships, your datingpatterns, your boundaries, or
the type of community that youwant to build, please take a
moment to support the podcast.
Support looks like sharing thisepisode with someone who needs
it, leaving a rating or review,or even just commenting your

(25:41):
thoughts.
I want to hear from you.
What hit home?
What challenged you?
And what do you want me to divedeeper into?
Your engagement helps this showgrow, and it also helps other
people find the conversationsthey've been needing.
So jump into the comments,reply on Substack, DM me, or

(26:05):
start a thread about somethingthat stood out to you.
Join the conversation.
Don't just listen and head outlike those Spongebob memes, I'ma
head on out.
Community is built throughparticipation, and I genuinely
love hearing your perspectives.

(26:27):
Until next time.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Why So Many Adults Feel Lonely, and What We Can Do About It