February 24, 2025 • 60 mins
Child sexual abuse and trauma, particularly at the hands of family members, is often called "unspeakable" and yet Morrene Hauser is breaking silence and shattering taboo by doing just that. She is determined to not allow shame and stigma to force her into being quiet. What Morrene endured growing up is unfathomable to most people and yet, at nearly sixty years old and living a full, rich life, she is living proof that there is life after childhood sexual abuse.
Morrene wrote an essay for Recovery Diaries last year called "My Very Own Sunshine: Healing from Trauma with Horses" and she returns to Recovery Diaries as a guest on this episode of Recovery Diaries in Depth to talk not just about her beautiful, moving essay, but to engage in a frank discussion of recovery from abuse and trauma. Morrene's recovery involved therapy, a drastic reduction in alcohol consumption, which Morrene acknowledges she was using as a maladaptive coping tool, and two other elements: writing and horses.
The first, writing, Morrene didn't discover until later in her life, but it has become a therapeutic, healthy, cathartic outlet for her to express herself, come to grips with what happened to her in her youth, and to help her connect with others.
Horses, however, have almost always been a part of Morrene's life, even when she was a child in the midst of constant horrors, horses were there to bring her peace, comfort, respite, and the kind of love she never received from the human beings in her life. Horses are still a part of her life today: she wouldn't have it any other way.
Morrene's interview is a wonderful reminder of the strength of the human spirit; listen, share, like, subscribe, and hope.
CW: This episode features discussions of child sexual abuse and trauma. Please visit https://rainn.org for extensive resources and help related to these issues.
Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they're always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting www.wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Gabe Nathan (00:01):
Hello, this is Recovery Diaries In-Depth.
I'm your host, Gabe Nathan.
Thanks so much for joining us.
We're very happy to have youhere.
We are very pleased andgrateful to welcome to the show
Morrene Hauser.
She's a writer and an advocateliving in Columbus, Ohio.
Morrene is also a survivor ofchildhood sexual abuse and she's
(00:21):
here today to talk about herlife and her recovery.
Each week we'll bring you aRecovery Diaries contributor
folks who have shared theirmental health journey with us
through essay or video format.
We want to see where they arein their mental health journey
since initially being publishedon our website.
Our goal is to continuesupporting our diverse community
by having conversations here onour podcast to follow up and
(00:44):
see what has shifted, what haschanged and what new things have
emerged.
We're so happy to have youalong for this journey.
We want to remind you to followour show for new and back
episodes at recoverydiariesorg.
There, like the podcast, you'llfind stories of mental health,
empowerment and change.
You can also sign up for ourmailing list there so you never
miss a new podcast health,empowerment and change.
(01:05):
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We appreciate your comments andfeedback about our show.
It helps us improve, makechanges and grow and, of course,
make sure to like, share andsubscribe.
Course.
(01:31):
Make sure to like, share andsubscribe.
Morrene Hauser, thank you somuch for joining us on Recovery
Diaries.
Morrene Hauser (01:34):
In-Depth.
Thank you for being here, thankyou for having me.
Gabe Nathan (01:36):
You are so welcome.
I just want to ask you how didyou find us at Recovery Diaries?
Morrene Hauser (01:43):
Just an online search.
I am a self-taught writer.
I was a court reporter for alittle over 30 years and when I
retired I started writing and Iwrite about mental health.
Obviously, that's how I foundyou, and just an online search,
and it must have been my luckyday because you accepted my
(02:04):
writing and I was very thankfulfor that.
Gabe Nathan (02:08):
Well, it was our lucky day too.
I can't tell you.
It's an honor to have yourpiece on our site and to have
you as part of our community,and I look at all of our writers
as heroes, and I really do, andI don't think it's hyperbole to
(02:32):
say that, because I really feelthat it's people like you who
are letting people know and Isay this a lot that a lot of
people will post on social medialike you are not alone, or
they'll have it as a bumpersticker.
People will post on socialmedia like you are not alone, or
they'll have it as a bumpersticker or it's on a t-shirt,
like at a mental health walk.
But it's people like you whoreally show people that you are
(02:58):
not alone by putting theexperiences and things that you
went through and endured in youryoung life and you know we'll
get to those, of course, duringthe reading of your essay A lot
of people are actually goingthrough things like this, but
they probably feel like they'rethe only ones, and I don't think
(03:20):
that the decision to be public,to post an essay like yours is
something that people takelightly.
To post an essay like yours issomething that people take
lightly.
So I just want you to talk alittle bit about, you know,
about finding us and aboutdeciding hey, there's this
organization that publishesmental health essays.
I feel like that's somethingthat I want to do.
What was your thought processlike when you decided to click
(03:45):
send and send that essay to us?
Morrene Hauser (03:48):
Well, let me back up a little bit.
First of all, I had to get overthe guilt and the shame and the
humiliation, and I said guiltand I'll say that again the
ultimate guilt of being a childabuse survivor, because I turned
everything around and made itmy fault, which is typical.
And so when I started writing mybook, which was right around my
(04:11):
nervous breakdown, I just hadthis knowing in me that this
will eventually reach the publicand the right survivors.
But in the meantime, I startedwriting articles, as I call them
, which is what I consider myvery own sunshine, an article
(04:35):
and I knew, in order to helpother people, I had to be very
open and honest about what Iwent through and I had to let go
of the guilt because it was.
I mean, I think any survivorthat's listening to this is
nodding their head like guilt,yes, and shame.
I mean, I looked at my peersand I'm like I just felt like I
(05:00):
was an alien, like I was theonly one that had experienced it
, which I know that's not true,but that was at the beginning of
my journey.
Did I answer your question ordid I?
No, you did.
Gabe Nathan (05:13):
No, you answered the question beautifully, but I
guess I'd like to know, when youtalk about letting go of that
guilt and that shame, that'sobviously not something that
happens instantaneously Correct.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthat process?
How do you begin to get outfrom under that weight and I
guess it probably does feel likea weight, this thing that's
(05:35):
hanging on you?
Morrene Hauser (05:36):
Oh, yes, what is that like?
Well, the first part of yourquestion how did I get out of it
Was by writing my story, andthe book that is completed and I
have not found a publisher asof yet is entitled the Good Girl
.
And writing that book justopened my eyes to how the abuse
(06:03):
made me the person that I am ofhow the abuse made me the person
that I am, you know just.
And it helped release a lot ofthe guilt and shame and
humiliation, because as I wrote,I realized this is not my fault
.
I was an innocent victim at thehands of some very sick people.
I highly recommend any survivorto write about what they went
(06:27):
through, whether you keep it toyourself, whether you have a
book burning party or you shareit.
I think it's very healing.
Gabe Nathan (06:36):
Is writing something that's always been a
part of your life.
Morrene Hauser (06:40):
No, like I said, I was a court reporter for the
first little over 30 years of mycareer and I eventually had to
give it, my beloved career, up,because of the migraines.
I mean, I just dealt withmigraines through my whole life.
I got married with a migraine.
I ran a half marathon with amigraine.
(07:02):
I have an extremely high paintolerance.
When I retired, which was rightaround the time of my nervous
breakdown, that's when I startedwriting.
So prior to that I had notwritten.
I was an avid reader and courtreporting certainly set the
stage and gave me a lot ofskills to become a writer, and I
(07:25):
love writing.
Gabe Nathan (07:27):
And can you talk a little bit about what happens
when you're writing?
What does it feel like to openup and put things down on the
page and explore some very, verypainful and traumatic memories?
Morrene Hauser (07:42):
I'm going to try to get through this without
crying, but I'm not sure I'mgoing to make to get through
this without crying, but I'm notsure I'm going to make it but
these are tears of happinessbecause of where I'm at today,
but it just releases so much.
You know for years, and probablyevery survivor can understand,
this is we couldn't talk aboutit In my house was a code of
(08:06):
silence.
You do not talk about what goeson in our house, and when I was
a little girl there were timesI did, but this just I mean I
always felt very misunderstood.
I'm a highly sensitive person,I'm an abused survivor, I'm
empathic and I mean I justfinally felt heard and that's
(08:27):
just so beautiful Whether myfriends have read it or somebody
was kind enough to publish whatI wrote, which I've had a
number of publications and I'mthankful for I'm finally being
heard and that's just such abeautiful, freeing and
therapeutic thing to happen.
Gabe Nathan (08:47):
And I feel like that's what everybody wants.
Whether they're a trauma orabuse survivor or not, everybody
just wants to be heard, becausethere are things inside of us
that are just aching to get out,and we're aching for empathy
and connection.
Morrene Hauser (09:06):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (09:07):
And I feel and I hope that when we publish an
essay and put it out into theworld, that those little
connections are happening allover the world.
You may never hear about them,I may never hear about them, but
someone somewhere is beingconnected to you through your
words and through your work.
And that's got to feel veryhopeful.
Morrene Hauser (09:29):
Yes, and you know I'm going to be 60 years
old next month.
So I didn't grow up with theinternet.
I mean, we had three or fourchannels on the TV.
I didn't know that what washappening was wrong, didn't know
that what was happening waswrong, and so I mean just to
carry all of those secrets andtrauma around for years before I
(09:51):
finally cracked open thatPandora's box.
It's been amazing and it's beeneight years since my nervous
breakdown and I just I am sothankful for where I'm at today.
I don't think I've I have neverfelt this happy in my life and
it's born of peace and quietingthat nervous system that was
(10:16):
just so out of whack for years.
And I have lots of goals andplans for the future.
I'm thankful I'm on disability,but it's not my ultimate goal.
Gabe Nathan (10:28):
Sure, of course.
And as we talk about yourmental health journey and your
recovery and what has beenhelpful in your recovery, so
obviously writing has beenhelpful and cathartic, use that
word.
Obviously writing has beenhelpful and cathartic, use that
word.
You know this great release ofstress and of pain, horses have
(10:51):
been another component of yourrecovery.
We're going to get to that tooAbsolutely.
But I'm curious also about therole of therapy and medication.
Has either of those played arole in your recovery?
Morrene Hauser (11:05):
Oh, yes, gosh, that's such a long.
I'm trying to shorten thatbecause I was on medication for
years before I found out whatwas wrong with me, because I
just suffered so much with themigraines and the insomnia and
the depression and the anxiety.
(11:25):
So, yes, there was years that Iwas on something to varying
degrees, when I had my breakdown.
I was hospitalized for onenight and I got out and I was in
two weeks of outpatient therapy, intense therapy, which was
very, very healing, and then Idon't even know what kind of
(11:50):
medication I was on at the time.
I know at one point I got somekind of heavy duty
antidepressant but I had been onone years ago and it was an
absolute nightmare to get offand I looked at all the side
effects and I thought I don'twant to do this to myself.
(12:10):
So currently I take trazodonefor sleep and I take hydroxyzine
for sleep and I really don'ttake much and I'm very thankful
for that.
I just I really wanted to workthings out the best I could in
(12:30):
my own mind, with my own way, asI call it, of natural healing
versus taking synthetics, ifthat's the right word.
So, but currently I am not incounseling, I'm on disability
(12:51):
and Medicare and I'm thankfulfor it.
But that does definitely limitme as far as finances.
But I have a wonderful supportsystem and my best friend I mean
I can system and my best friend, I mean anytime I'm having a
down moment or down day, she'salways there for me.
I've never, ever felt that allright, maureen, you need to shut
(13:13):
it down because this is gettingold, so that's good.
I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for that.
Gabe Nathan (13:22):
That's wonderful, and I think a lot of people
sometimes neglect to considerthe impact of that social
support network.
Yes, friends, family, if peopleare working, colleagues,
someone that they can reallyreally lean on, lean on.
(13:46):
And having that close friendwho just maybe instinctually
knows that there's something offwith you, who says come over,
you can have a cup of tea andsit with me for an hour or two
or three or more, that's huge.
That's really really big.
I'm really really glad that youhave that support in your life.
Morrene Hauser (14:03):
Well, they say that.
Well, I've heard that womenrecover from trauma, or at least
come to terms with it, a lotfaster than men generally do.
Because we're talkers and I'vealways been a talker, I've
always.
But then again, I think, foryears I wasn't allowed to talk.
So then, once I was able tofind my voice, now it's like I
(14:26):
want to talk, I want to.
Gabe Nathan (14:27):
Well, it's like that natural shutoff valve was
closed for you, yes, and all ofthat wanted to come out.
But, like you said, we don'ttalk about what happens in this
house, and that's where theabuse was happening, and so it's
incredibly difficult forsomeone who wants to be vocal,
who wants to give voice to this,to have that closed off, and
(14:54):
you know it's hard to look for asilver lining in something like
a breakdown, but maybe thatneeded to happen in order to
open up your voice.
Morrene Hauser (15:04):
I was sleepwalking through life prior
to my breakdown and I've heard afew times, here and there, that
that's probably one of the bestthings that can happen to a
person.
I've even heard people sayeverybody should go through a
breakdown.
I'm still mulling that over,but for me, it was the best
(15:26):
thing that happened, becausethere were so many issues in my
life, from the alcoholism andthe chronic illnesses and all of
the memories going through myhead, the flashbacks that I
wouldn't acknowledge.
I had to crash in order to comeback stronger.
I had to crash in order to comeback stronger.
But I'll tell you this pasteight years has been quite a
(15:49):
journey and at times it's beenvery painful because I fought it
tooth and nail, as the egoicmind has a tendency to do.
Gabe Nathan (15:59):
Yeah, Can you talk a little bit about the alcohol,
because I don't know if that'ssomething that's really explored
so much in your essay.
Do you feel that you were usingthat to cope or to numb or to
suppress, and how did that turnaround?
Morrene Hauser (16:20):
As far as how it helped me, I first started
drinking when I was 14.
Now we didn't drink muchbecause we were underage.
There wasn't a lot of ways wecould.
But you know, by the time I was18, I was a functioning
alcoholic and I always was ableto perform, like with my family,
(16:47):
with my job.
I mean, in the evenings I wouldget pretty drunk, so I wasn't
performing very much there, butit just it took away the
flashbacks, it took away thefear.
It took away, it made merelaxed and I was able to laugh.
Now I've always now, of course,as the years went on, that was
(17:09):
a very painful point for me,because after a while my
family's just like you knowyou're drinking too much, and
this was went on for years, andevery time I tried to stop I
couldn't, because I just Icouldn't and because I hadn't
faced my problem.
Now, once I had my breakdown, Icontinued to drink quite
(17:31):
heavily because I was gettingall of these memories coming
back.
Now I drink on occasion.
It's not I still feel guiltabout it though, but it's.
I'm not drinking every night,I'm not getting drunk like I
(17:51):
used to.
I would say sometimes.
When I do drink now, it's justto relax my muscles, my tense
muscles, from the migraines, andthat does do it.
But I don't feel a need to pickup a drink because I'm
depressed or anxious, and thatis huge.
(18:12):
Now I don't know what my futurebrings.
Am I going to eventually hangup drinking altogether?
I don't know.
Gabe Nathan (18:21):
Right.
Morrene Hauser (18:21):
But whatever is going on, it's under control and
I'm thankful that's great andagain for me, just quieting down
that nervous system that was soout of whack for years.
I mean I'm definitely going towrite about that, because when I
hear of other survivors beingable to sleep, that blows my
(18:45):
mind.
I mean I'm sleeping, how is?
Gabe Nathan (18:47):
that even possible.
Morrene Hauser (18:49):
Yeah, I'm sleeping much better now because
last year I just said I'm notdoing this anymore.
I have.
I knew, you know, when I hadwritten my book I really delved
a lot into the insomnia becauseit had been with me since I was
seven years old and I realizedit was fear, I'm not going to
(19:13):
sleep, I'm not staying asleepbecause I'm afraid.
And one day I was on YouTubelooking at I'm on YouTube all
the time listening to stuff,healing stuff, and I saw
something about healing insomniaand I listened to it and part
of it made sense.
And then when they startedwanting you to go into the sleep
(19:35):
deprivation, I thought no, thatwouldn't work for me because I
have done way too manyall-nighters.
So I just said I'm going to dothis on my own all-nighters.
So I just said I'm going to dothis on my own and I just said I
mean, it took a little while,but every time I would feel that
fear when it was time to go tobed, I would say there's nobody
going to hurt you anymore,you're safe.
(19:56):
That was then and this is now.
It's safe to sleep.
Now, obviously it's not 100%.
My nervous system's not 100%convinced because I still have
to take stuff at night to sleep,but I look at that medication
with gratitude.
I used to beat myself up andget depressed because I had to
(20:18):
take something.
Now I understand its originsand I'm thankful.
I'm thankful that I havesomething to aid me.
Gabe Nathan (20:27):
And it's another extension of shame and guilt.
So there's feeling shame andguilt for what happened to you.
There's feeling shame and guiltabout needing something to help
you.
There's shame and guilt aboutwhy can't I just sleep?
Why can't my nervous systemunderstand that I'm safe now.
So that's such a continuousthread that I see through your
(20:50):
life and I wonder if part of thesleep thing too is about
control, Because when we'reasleep we're out of control.
Anything could happen.
Right, that's good.
Just as you felt out of controlwhen you were being abused as a
child.
Morrene Hauser (21:03):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (21:05):
It's a very vulnerable thing A what happened
to you and B, even just the actof sleeping and so convincing
yourself that it's okay and thatit's safe, quieting that CPTSD
mind.
It's a very difficult thing todo and I want to ask you about
(21:28):
triggers for your CPTSD.
Can you talk about some of themand also how you cope with them
when they arise?
Morrene Hauser (21:38):
Well, music is a huge trigger for me.
I mean, I would think it wouldbe for most people, just because
I don't know.
But there are certain things,songs I cannot listen to.
It just brings back everyhorrible, painful emotion and no
matter how much I have tried toreprogram my mind, my body,
(22:04):
whatever's going on, that's notgoing to work.
A crowing rooster that justsends my nervous system into the
outer limits, because that wasa part of my life that was very
bad.
Here I'm going to get emotionalagain.
I really feel that the universe,I'm single, I live alone and I
(22:30):
really am thankful for this timethat I've had to heal alone.
I don't have anybody around methat stresses me out.
I don't have young children.
I love my kids, but little kidscan stress you out.
I don't have a job thatstresses me out.
I don't have a job thatstresses me out.
I don't have a relationshipthat stresses me out.
(22:51):
I'm very good friends with myex-husband, by the way, but I'm
thankful that I can just walkaway from anything or anybody
that disturbs my mental health.
And so, like I said, it's beena tough eight years since my
breakdown, but I finallyrealized why it all had to
(23:13):
happen and why I've been ahermit, Because I've been pretty
much a hermit.
I go out to see my horse.
I love my people at the barn.
I call them my barn family.
So I know that this time in mylife will not be forever, where
(23:34):
I'm alone and kind of a hermit.
I mean I see a lot of reallygood things from my life and I
(23:58):
have to again.
Gabe Nathan (23:58):
I have to be very thankful for this time.
There's no one to stress me outand there's no you know
external stimulus.
They would say, god, you know,she must be so lonely, um, or
kind of project their ownemotions onto you, um, and I
(24:19):
think there's a great differencebetween being alone and being
lonely, and I don't want to putwords in your mouth Maybe you
are lonely sometimes.
No, I have something to add tothat.
I have something to add to that.
Morrene Hauser (24:24):
I don't watch the news because obviously
mental health reasons.
But I do get online and I'lllook at, you know, headlines and
like maybe I can handle thisone or you know, just to look
and I was seeing like thisloneliness epidemic and of
people getting older and youknow I'm at that age and I was,
(24:45):
you know, gabe.
I was starting to buy into thatand I was starting to feel
depressed.
It was making me feel like alittle old lady and you know,
one day I said F you, you're notgoing to pin a label on me and
tell me how I should feel.
And it didn't last long beforeI crawled back out of that.
(25:09):
You know what the news istrying to make me tell me how I
should feel.
And I just look at this time inmy life and the quietness and
the solitude with so muchgratitude.
I didn't look at like that allthe time.
I mean, there were times I justfelt left behind and forgotten
(25:32):
in this world.
I no longer feel that way.
I get impatient at times withmy life because I'm just like,
okay, come on, let's go, let'sgo, I have things to do and but
the universe has to open thosedoors.
I'm doing everything I can onmy end yeah.
Gabe Nathan (25:51):
And you can't force something.
So things are going to happenwhen they happen, and you're
certainly not somebody who justsits around and does nothing.
You're very creative, you'reindustrious, you're thoughtful,
you're very actively engaged inlife and in your own recovery.
So obviously what's happeningright now is working and I think
(26:13):
it's great that you made thatcall about not buying into.
What I really feel like is poppsychology and the whole
loneliness epidemic.
If that's what other people aregoing through, that's fine, but
that's not what everyone isgoing through.
Um, so not allowing yourself tobe pigeonholed, um, I think
(26:34):
that's great.
Um, so you mentioned your barn,family and going to see your
horse.
Um, can you tell us a little bitabout your horse, can you?
Morrene Hauser (26:44):
tell us a little bit about your horse.
Well, as I wrote about in myarticle, he came into my life
when I was going through anervous breakdown.
My marriage was ending, mycareer was ending.
And I saw him one day onFacebook and I had been looking.
(27:09):
You know, during that time Ihad been looking at horses on
Facebook and I had been looking.
You know, during that time Ihad been looking at horses on
Facebook I hadn't years prior tothat but and I saw him.
I saw a lot of horses, but theday I saw him, my heart just
stopped in my chest and mybreath just caught my throat and
, you know, and my breath justcaught my throat.
And, gabe, I firmly believethat certain things people,
(27:31):
animals are meant to come intoyour life at the right time and
you will recognize them.
And I recognized my horse.
I didn't understand what washappening at that time.
All I knew is he was for saleand I wanted to get my butt down
to wherever he was at to lookat him, and I did.
And I had no plans on buying ahorse.
(27:53):
I mean, my career was ending, Ihad no idea how I was going to
support myself.
I still bought a horse and hegot me through the worst times
of my life.
I mean, he is and he's also asurvivor, if that's what you
call an animal.
He came from an abusivesituation.
The gentleman I bought him fromhad rescued him, so he has
(28:16):
trauma in his body and he's just.
Every time I'm with him I amfully present.
You have to be fully presentwith an animal that size, but I
just feel like I can communicatewith him.
I mean, I just love that horsewith every ounce of my being and
I'm so thankful for him.
I don't know how I would havemade it through that time in my
(28:40):
life without him.
Gabe Nathan (28:42):
Yeah, I mean, it's a partnership and that's.
It's a really beautiful thingto be so connected to something
like that and I'm so, so gladthat that happened for you when
it did.
And I don't know, sometimespeople come into our lives when
we need them animals, cars,whatever it is.
(29:03):
Yes whatever it is, we can havethat emotional connection with
anything and it really can be asaving grace.
So I mean, I think this is areally lovely segue into your
essay, because your essay isit's not about this horse, but
it's about really about anotherone who was in your life at a
(29:27):
very horrible time and I wouldlove to dip into your essay.
It is called my Very OwnSunshine.
Healing from Trauma with Horsesby Hauser.
Morrene Hauser (29:42):
Family is not only a blood relative.
In fact, family can come inmany different shapes and sizes.
The way I learned about thepower of love didn't come from
my biological family.
It came from an unlikely sourcea little pony I had as a child
named Sunshine.
I grew up in an abusivehousehold and there were a lot
(30:03):
of fears in my young life.
I was afraid of the adultsaround me.
I was afraid of the kids atschool.
I was afraid of the dark.
I had more fears in my lifethan I could put a name to.
My mom had many relationshipswhen I was a child some
boyfriends, some husbands,almost all of them abusive.
From as far back as I canremember, I was verbally,
(30:24):
sexually and physically abusedby my mom and the various toxic
men she brought into our lives.
Due to the ongoing abuse, I hadlearned from a young age that
adults were not to be trusted.
We moved often.
It was a lonely and terrifyingchildhood.
When I was seven years old, mymom married her third husband
(30:44):
and I got my own pony that Inamed Sunshine.
I was a crazy, obsessed horselover, so this was a dream come
true.
My mom had a small barn full ofhorses by the time I was born,
so the love of these magnificentanimals was ingrained in me
from an early age, from the waythey smelled, to their warm and
velvety noses, to their kind andsoulful eyes.
(31:07):
I couldn't get enough of theseamazing creatures.
Each time I was in the presenceof a horse, all of my inner
turmoil faded into thebackground and I was able to
forget about the abuse Isuffered at home.
As much as I loved Sunshine, Iwas also terrified of her.
Terror was something I hadgrown up with and it was
(31:27):
something I understood well.
But despite my fears, I rodeSunshine bareback every chance I
could at the stables where shewas boarded.
Since I didn't receive love andaffection at home, horses were
the only means of emotionalsupport I had, and I was drawn
to them like a moth to a flame.
Sunshine knew I was afraid ofher, and that little pony took
(31:48):
full advantage of my fear.
From the moment I got on her, Iwould start saying silent
prayers to her to be a good girl.
Sunshine never heard my prayers, or maybe she just didn't care.
Sunshine bucked me off.
She ran away with me and rarelydid she go in the direction I
wanted her to, sometimes in themiddle of a ride Sunshine's legs
(32:09):
would buckle and down we wouldgo.
As soon as I felt her go down Iwould hop off because I know
she was going to roll.
While Sunshine rolled I lookedat her round stomach and lapped
at her little legs kickingvigorously in the air as she
moved from side to side,scratching her back.
When she was done I got back onand we continued our ride.
(32:29):
Sometimes our rides were long,sometimes they were short.
I never knew where Sunshinewould take us, but I was always
grateful for the rides she tookme on.
Every time I rode Sunshine Icouldn't keep the smile off my
face.
I was head over heels in lovewith my little pony and failed
to see her many flaws.
I dreamt about Sunshine atnight and I daydreamed about her
(32:52):
during the day.
I talked about her incessantly.
At that time in my young lifethat little pony was my whole
world, my Sunshine.
I just couldn't get enough ofher.
Sunshine may have been a devilwhen I was on her back, but as
soon as I got down she couldn'thave been more loving.
That little pony just couldn'tget enough affection and I was
(33:14):
more than happy to oblige.
I loved to wrap my arms aroundSunshine's head, rest my cheek
against hers and pet her as Iinhaled her sweet horsey scent.
I was able to pour out mypent-up love and affection on
her, something I desperatelycraved because of the constant
abuse.
When I was with Sunshine, theloneliness, confusion and fears
(33:37):
of my daily life disappearedEvery time I got on my little
pony's back.
Without realizing it, I waslearning to face my fears.
It never once occurred to menot to ride her.
When I was nine years old, mymom married her fourth husband,
an abusive truck driver namedEmil, and we moved to another
(33:57):
state.
Mom brought her horses, twoArabians named Jazan and Quasar,
but Sunshine was sold.
I was absolutely devastatedwhen I had to leave my little
pony behind.
Without my beloved sunshine, myanchor, I was lost in the sea
of abuse.
That was my life.
After mom married her fourthhusband, any fears I had in my
(34:19):
young life were soon turned intooutright terror from the daily
abuse I suffered at his handsand my mother's.
In addition to bringing me intotheir bed and abusing me, mom
and Emil sex trafficked me attruck stops.
It was a terrifying andconfusing time for me, but abuse
was what I had grown up withand, as uncomfortable as it was,
(34:41):
that was my normal.
I badly needed the comfort andsolace of my pony and although
the other horses were there, Imissed my bright spot, my
sunshine.
One day, shortly after we moved,I was in Jezan's stall,
brushing him lost in thought asI looked at him.
Suddenly I knew, without adoubt, that I could handle this
(35:03):
young and spirited horse.
My fear of horses was gone.
I am not sure what changed inme as far as overcoming my fear
of horses.
Maybe it was the level of abusethat Emil brought into my life
that eclipsed any fear I hadever experienced.
But overcoming that particularfear was life-changing.
(35:23):
When I asked mom if I couldride Jezazon, she thought about
it for a second, no doubtremembering my escapades with
sunshine.
Finally, mom shrugged hershoulders and saddled Jazon up.
From the moment mom hoisted meonto his back, my world was
transformed and I couldn't keepthe smile off my face.
Finally I was riding again.
(35:46):
Jazon was a challenge to rideand I enjoyed every minute of it
.
Jazon spooked, bolted andbucked.
Nothing he did scared me and Ihandled him with ease.
I had become a fearlessdaredevil on horseback.
Sunshine had taught me well.
Shortly after Emil entered ourlives is when I started to
(36:06):
dissociate from the sexual abuse.
While I lay there desperatelytrying to escape the terror and
confusion that my mind was tooyoung to process, I often
escaped into a rich and vibrantfantasy world filled with horses
brown ones, white ones, blackones, red ones, spotted ones,
horses of every breed and sizewhite ones, black ones, red ones
(36:28):
, spotted ones, horses of everybreed and size.
Somehow, these fantasiesbrought me comfort and helped
ease the pain of what I wasgoing through as the abuse
worsened in my house and mymental health deteriorated.
The horses gave me a purpose, areason to get up and face each
day and the many challenges inmy life.
Being around the horses was theonly time in my day that I felt
alive and present.
(36:50):
When I was 15 years old, Ifinally fought back against the
abuse.
Mom had lost interest insexually abusing me a few years
prior, but Emil had not.
The day that I fought back,emil didn't take it well.
After beating me up andviolently raping me, that was
the last time he ever touched mein that manner.
I'm not sure why he stoppedabusing me.
(37:11):
Maybe he thought I enjoyed histouch.
Nothing could have been furtherfrom the truth.
Unfortunately, this particularincident had a devastating
effect on me.
I lost interest in the mostimportant thing in my life, and
that was my horse.
Although I still loved him, Istopped riding and spending time
with him.
I was in a fog of depressionand it was all I could do to put
(37:34):
one foot in front of the otherand get through the day.
It would be many, long yearsbefore my passion for horses
would be rekindled when I leftmy abusive household and went to
college.
That was the first time in mylife I didn't have a horse.
I really thought about thembecause as much as they reminded
me of the happiest parts of mychildhood, they also reminded me
(37:56):
of the most painful parts.
It was bittersweet.
Somewhere along the way, withoutrealizing it, I had buried the
memories of the sexual abuse Isuffered as a child into the
deepest recesses of my mind.
Unfortunately, those memoriesrefused to stay in the past and
they often surfaced at randomtimes with terrifying and
(38:19):
disturbing images of me beingsexually abused as a child.
I never understood why theseimages would pop into my head,
but each time they did, Iimmediately kicked them out,
stubbornly refusing toacknowledge what my mind was so
desperately trying to tell me,but they always left me badly
shaken, with a racing heart andterrified adrenaline running
(38:40):
through my system.
It took an enormous amount ofeffort to keep that fake smile
on my face and pretendeverything was okay in my world.
I always knew something wasn'tright with me, and that was a
question I often asked myself asthe years passed.
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
(39:00):
From the daily flashbacks, tothe anxiety and depression, to
the chronic migraines and severeinsomnia?
Something just didn't feelright.
But deep down I knew that thatsomething had to do with my
childhood.
But that was as far as I couldgo.
I wasn't ready to face my past.
One day I could no longer denythat these flashbacks were
(39:21):
actual memories of abuse Isuffered as a child.
It was at that time I suffereda nervous breakdown and was
hospitalized.
After my hospitalization, I wasdiagnosed with CPTSD due to
years of childhood trauma.
After my hospitalization andsubsequent diagnosis of CPTSD, I
(39:42):
finally had an answer to thatquestion that haunted me for
years what is wrong with me?
My diagnosis had a twofoldeffect on me.
On the one hand, it felt like apunch to the gut that almost
brought me to my knees when Irealized all of the years of
abuse that I had suffered as achild.
How could these people mymother specifically that should
(40:04):
have loved and protected me as achild, have done such heinous
things to me?
I was absolutely overwhelmedwith shock and grief.
And yet, on the other hand, itwas a relief to finally get an
answer to that question that Ihad been asking myself for years
.
Now that I had my answer, I madeit my mission to face my past
(40:27):
and heal from all I had beenthrough as a child.
All I ever wanted was to feelgood.
It was at this most crucialtime in my life.
I bought a horse, a gorgeousArabian paint named Two-Face.
I hadn't planned on buying ahorse.
He just sort of fell into mylife as if faded.
Once again, a horse came in tosave me when I was at one of the
(40:49):
lowest points in my life, whenI started healing from my past,
I often thought about sunshine,and every time I did, I smiled.
When I look back at my life, Irealize that sunshine taught me
many important life lessons,such as facing my fears and
responsibility.
But more importantly, sunshinetaught me how to love.
(41:09):
I had learned from a young agethat being touched meant being
hurt and I trusted no one.
Even though Sunshine was a pony, she taught me that being
touched didn't have to hurt andthat it was safe to let my guard
down.
I firmly believe that withoutSunshine or any of the horses in
my life, I would not have beenable to show love and affection
(41:30):
to my children, since I didn'treceive it at home.
I am forever grateful to thatlittle pony.
I don't know what became ofSunshine.
Only one picture of hersurvived throughout our many
moves.
I cherish that picture andsmile each time I look at it.
She still brings me sunshineevery time I think of her.
When I look back at my life, Ibelieve that horses were there
(41:52):
to teach me about love andsafety, something that I didn't
learn from my family.
To me, the horses were myfamily.
Honestly, I'm not sure how Iwould have made it without them.
And in case you're wonderingyes, I have a horse, I couldn't
imagine it without them.
And in case you're wondering,yes, I have a horse.
Gabe Nathan (42:11):
I couldn't imagine life without one.
Morrene Hauser (42:14):
Thank you.
Gabe Nathan (42:15):
Thank you for reading that and thank you for
sharing that with us.
Morrene Hauser (42:17):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (42:19):
And I'm just going to read your little bio here at
the end of the essay.
Morrene Hauser currently livesin Columbus, Ohio.
For a little over 30 years shewas a court reporter.
Upon retirement, maureenstarted writing children's books
about the many wonderfulanimals she had while growing up
and the powerful impact they'vehad in her life.
In addition to writingchildren's books, maureen also
(42:40):
writes about mental health.
Maureen has two grown childrenthat also live in Ohio.
Morrene has two grown childrenthat also live in Ohio.
And after this I don't know ifyou see the comment that someone
wrote down here in August aboutyour essay.
I'm not going to read the wholething, but I really do want to
(43:01):
just read one line from it.
This is from a woman namedMichelle and it says this email
ended up in my inbox.
I'm not sure how.
I don't recall signing up forthis.
However, it is as if someonewas telling the story of my life
, and that's huge.
Morrene Hauser (43:22):
I didn't see that.
Gabe Nathan (43:23):
Yeah, and I actually I didn't know that that
was there either until I waslooking at your essay again
yesterday in preparation forthis interview, and it really
brings home what you weretalking about towards the
beginning of this interviewabout the power of writing and
about how healing andtherapeutic and cathartic.
(43:43):
It is for the writer, but alsothen we think about the reader,
and we have no idea who that'sgoing to be.
And this one, michelle, likeshe wrote, no idea how she got
this, didn't remember signing upfor the Recovery Diaries
newsletter, and yet there it is.
Morrene Hauser (43:58):
It was faded.
Gabe Nathan (44:00):
It was something that she needed that was there
for her, Like sunshine was therefor you when you needed her
Like your horse now was therefor her.
Like sunshine was there for youwhen you needed her, like your
horse now was there for you.
So it's pretty extraordinarykind of the magic of connection
and what writing can do for theauthor and the reader alike.
I just wanted to kind of likeacknowledge and celebrate that
(44:22):
for a minute.
Morrene Hauser (44:23):
And can I add something about writing, and
this occurred to me.
I just wrote an article abouthealing your inner child and it
occurred to me while I waswriting this article, how okay,
so say, you talk to somebodyabout what you went through, so
there's one aspect, then youwrite it down and then you're
(44:46):
gaining more aspects.
And this article that I wrotethat I just finished, is the
first time I wrote somethingabout healing your inner child
and I had so many aha momentsthat I hadn't gotten.
When I talked about it and whenI thought about it and when I
(45:06):
wrote about it, it's just likewow, this is.
I mean, I just struggled to cryor not to cry throughout the
whole thing, because I knew if Istarted to cry I probably
wouldn't stop.
Gabe Nathan (45:17):
Yeah, and through the process of creativity,
you're unraveling, you'reunwinding, you're unlocking all
of this different stuff andmaking all of these different
connections for yourself.
It's just such a wonderful toolto use in aid of recovery and
creative exploration and alsointerconnection, helping other
(45:38):
people while you're doing it.
It's a really wonderful.
I have a question for you and I.
This is something that I wrestlewith in my own personal life
and also when I read.
You know, I get contributionsevery day to recovery diaries,
(45:59):
authors writing about alldifferent kinds of things, and a
lot of times people are writingabout abuse and they're writing
about trauma and things thatwere done to them and things
that happened to them, and oneof the themes that comes up
again and again is forgiveness.
Yes, and I think that alltrauma survivors have very
(46:21):
different ideas aboutforgiveness and about whether I
think some people believe thatit's necessary to forgive to
move forward with healing.
There really can't be healinguntil we forgive, and if you
don't forgive, then you'reholding on to anger.
And I have such conflictedemotions and feelings about the
(46:44):
word forgiveness as it relatesto abuse, specifically horrific
abuse like you endured.
So, I just want to hear from youwhat are your thoughts about
that, your thoughts aboutforgiveness as a function of
healing and recovery.
Morrene Hauser (47:01):
That's a very good question.
I often wonder do we ever trulyfully forgive?
I've heard that so many timesand I wonder about that for me,
but I will say, forgiveness camepretty easily for me, at least
for my abusers, because I turnedall that happened to me around
on myself.
I felt guilty and ashamed.
(47:23):
I didn't feel that I hadanybody to forgive.
I mean, until I faced my trauma.
I don't wake up with a heartfull of hate and anger and
reliving the past you know, itis what it is Part of me feels
like I came onto this earth toexperience what I did, to help
(47:46):
other people.
That's, you know, on a veryspiritual level.
But I've found it harder toforgive people in my adult life
that have hurt me over the years, like you know, holding a
grudge, and I work on that.
Me over the years, like youknow, holding a grudge and I
(48:10):
work on that.
I always I was telling my bestfriend, I always have a project
that I'm working on and rightnow it's releasing fears, just
releasing things from the past.
And you know, nate, when I,when I feel a negative memory
coming up, I picture it as acandle flame and I lick my
fingers and just snuff thatflame out before it can gain
(48:33):
momentum.
And another thing that's helpedme is giving prayers of
gratitude.
I mean I've had to retrain mybrain Instead of looking at
every depressing thing andpicturing every worst outcome.
I mean, gratitude has reallysaved me.
(48:55):
So you were asking aboutforgiveness and I'm just kind of
wandering.
Gabe Nathan (49:01):
No, it's all related really.
Morrene Hauser (49:03):
I would think the biggest thing for me is the
hurt over how they could havedone that to that poor child.
When I look at my kids, I meanit just boggles my mind how you
could look at a child as a sexobject.
But you know, I'm thankful thatI broke the cycle of abuse my
(49:29):
kids sleep well, that's theother thing, yeah, yeah they're
not heavy drinkers.
I mean they're not, you knowthey're.
They drink on occasion, butthey were nothing like I did.
I mean I, I drank for years.
Gabe Nathan (49:42):
So they didn't grow up in a traumatic environment
and weren't abused.
And so that's the best shotthat they have for leading a
functional quote.
Normal life, everybody hasstuff right, but you did break
that cycle and that's incrediblypowerful because not everybody
(50:04):
can do that.
Morrene Hauser (50:05):
Mm-hmm.
Yes, and I, you know I'm theonly one that spoke out about it
.
There's my older brother thatwas also abused, but we don't
have a relationship and he'srepeatedly called me a liar and
Gabe.
When I started facing whathappened to me, nobody wanted to
(50:27):
prove me wrong, more thanmyself.
I mean.
I was constantly looking forthings where I was wrong, but I
wasn't.
I knew I mean I wasn't.
But I also understand whypeople can't face it.
But I also understand whypeople can't face it.
I understand why people gothrough their lives of
(50:48):
dysfunction and tiptoe aroundthe elephant in the room,
because it's a tremendouslypainful thing to revisit the
past.
It's like you're.
At least.
For me, it was like I was beingre-traumatized all over again.
Of course, it was about sevenand a half years into my journey
(51:11):
this past summer that Iintuitively knew I had walked
through the flames.
Gabe Nathan (51:14):
And so yeah, and.
I think, you know, like I saidat the very beginning of the
essay at the interview, that allof our storytellers are heroes
right, and I believe thatemphatically.
But I also want to be carefulwhen I say that because I don't
want to seem like I'm elevatingpeople who have gone through
(51:38):
things and are open about it andtalk about it over people who
have gone through horriblethings and choose not to.
I think it's all valid and it'sall okay and it's an individual
choice that people have to makeabout whether.
I'm going to A speak about it toanybody ever a therapist in
(51:59):
private, in confidentiality, ora close friend, or publicly on a
website is a very, verydifferent thing, and that choice
has to be honored.
I think whether it's speakingout or staying silent.
Morrene Hauser (52:17):
Yes, silent yes.
And I, you know I, everybody,you're right is on a different
journey and they have to do whatfits them.
There's no one size fits all inthis healing journey.
And one thing I would like toadd is when I first started
(52:38):
acknowledging and dealing withwhat happened to me, I mean, you
know, a lot of my relationshipsimploded.
I mean I was no longer the sameperson.
But the general consensus thatI felt from people who were not
truly my friends, I guess Ishould say, was like get over it
.
It happened a long time ago.
(52:58):
Get over it.
And I had a family member who isalso an abuse survivor and she
was helping me through that timeand she would get angry at me
because I was not recoveringlike she thought I was supposed
to.
And one day I didn't even tellher, I just walked away from the
relationship because it hurt meso bad and it just made
(53:21):
everything I was feeling evenworse having somebody angry at
me.
But I realized I faced my abusewhen I was 51 years old, and so
not only did I have to revisitmy childhood, there was all
(53:42):
those years as an adult where Iwas running around with an
undiagnosed mental healthcondition and those were some
very, very painful years and Ihad to recover.
I had to heal from that also.
So it wasn't and I just reallyadmire people and I also envy
(54:02):
them that can deal, that canface the abuse earlier than life
than I had, because if I hadbeen able to I could have had a
much better life at certainpoints.
Gabe Nathan (54:14):
But Well, you know, like you said earlier,
everyone's on a differentjourney and I'll tell you.
There's this statistic fromNAMI, the National Alliance for
Mental Illness, that the averagelength of time between
experiencing symptoms of amental illness and seeking help
and this is just for the generalpopulation, this isn't
(54:37):
necessarily for trauma survivorsand abuse survivors is 11 years
11 years from, let's say,experiencing symptoms of
depression or anxiety, like Iknow something's going on with
me, to actually doing somethingabout it 11 years, and that's
just for.
I don't even want to say not runof the mill.
(54:58):
Mental health challenges but,challenges that are, they're not
on the order of magnitude ofCPTSD.
So I think and there's so manydifferent reasons why people
delay seeking treatment or theydon't want to acknowledge what
they're experiencing or, in yourcase, remembering there is
(55:21):
stigma, there is shame, there isguilt, there are financial
issues, there is just theday-to-day of every life.
I don't have time, I can't dealwith that now, I'll deal with
that later, or next week, ornext month, or next year, and
then it just goes on and on, andon and on, and then, right
there is that realization of Godwhat could my life have been if
I addressed this earlier?
(55:43):
But the fact of the matter isis you did address it and it was
51 and not 81.
You know it could have been 21,but it wasn't.
And this is the journey thatyou're on and I think you know,
you're living proof right nowthat it's a pretty extraordinary
journey.
Morrene Hauser (56:02):
Yes, and I should mention that I did seek
help at various times in my life.
I remember my late teens.
I was being counseled by a verykind lady, but I never got to
the central issue, right.
You know, I just felt likethere was something just so
wrong with me and I wasembarrassed and ashamed.
(56:25):
I always wanted to.
So I did seek help, but itwasn't until I was 51 that I got
to the sexual, the abuse.
Gabe Nathan (56:33):
Yeah Well, I am so grateful for you, Morrene.
I'm so grateful that you madeyour way to Recovery Diaries and
that you came back for thepodcast, and I know that you
have lots of projects thatyou're working on and that
you've completed.
I want you to just tell thelisteners about what you've got
in the pipeline and where theycan find it.
Morrene Hauser (56:55):
Well, I only have one book in the pipeline
and that is a book entitledSunshine that I wrote a
children's book about sunshine.
You can get it at Barnes Noble,you can get it at Amazon and
it's just a fun little book thatI wrote about her.
(57:16):
I completed the book of mychildhood.
It's entitled the Good Girl.
Now I have not yet found apublisher for it, but I envision
at some point that this bookwill get published.
I firmly believe it's meant toget out there.
It's just the right doorsopening.
(57:39):
Get out there, it's just theright doors opening.
I'm currently writing anotherbook that I am very excited
about and it's about my healingjourney.
You know from my breakdown onand the events leading up to it
and what all I've done to healmyself and, Gabe, I was
(58:00):
completely convinced when Istarted on this journey that I
could heal myself of everythingand I prayed to the universe and
I said if you get me throughthis, I will share my knowledge
far and wide to other survivors.
Well, here it is, eight yearsafter my breakdown, and it's not
(58:21):
quite turned out exactly how I.
I mean I still will havetriggers.
There are people I will stillhave to say wait, I can't hear
this.
I have PTSD.
There are still songs I have toturn off and times I'll have to
walk away.
I've come to terms with that.
Gabe Nathan (58:37):
Yeah.
Morrene Hauser (58:38):
And it's not.
Gabe Nathan (58:38):
It's not curable, it's just manageable.
Morrene Hauser (58:41):
Yes, and I have a couple other children's books
that I wrote when I startedmentoring a little girl through
Big Sisters, little Sisters ahandful of years ago, and I
wrote a couple of children'sbooks about her and a pony named
Freckles and they're fiction.
But I mentored her for threeyears and she turned into a
(59:03):
teenager and she got other.
But I have a lot of stuff inthe pipeline ready to go when
the doors open.
Gabe Nathan (59:11):
That's wonderful and probably another Recovery
Diaries essay not too far downthe line too.
Morrene Hauser (59:16):
Well, yes, absolutely.
Gabe Nathan (59:19):
Send it along.
Morrene Hauser (59:20):
I will certainly do that.
Gabe Nathan (59:22):
Morrene Hauser.
Thank you so, so much for beinghere as a guest on Recovery
Diaries In-Depth.
I appreciate it.
Morrene Hauser (59:27):
Thank you, Gabe, I truly enjoyed this discussion
.
Gabe Nathan (59:36):
Thank you again for joining us in conversation
today.
It's beautiful to see theprogression of our contributors.
Thank you so much to for yourvulnerability and for your
openness for discussing suchdifficult and very, very
important topics to explore.
Maureen Hauser is a writer andan advocate.
She's living in Columbus, Ohio.
(59:56):
We're very, very grateful toher for her time.
Before we leave you, we want toremind you to check out our
website, recoverydiariesorg.
There, like this podcast,you'll find additional stories,
videos and content about mentalhealth, empowerment and change.
We look forward to continuingto grow our community.
(01:00:18):
Thank you so much for being apart of it.
We wouldn't be here without you.
Be sure to join our mailinglist so you never miss a podcast
episode, essay or film.
I'm Gabe Nathan.
Until next time, take good care.
Hello, this is Recovery Diaries In-Depth.
I'm your host, Gabe Nathan.
Thanks so much for joining us.
We're very happy to have youhere.
We are very pleased andgrateful to welcome to the show
Morrene Hauser.
She's a writer and an advocateliving in Columbus, Ohio.
Morrene is also a survivor ofchildhood sexual abuse and she's
(00:21):
here today to talk about herlife and her recovery.
Each week we'll bring you aRecovery Diaries contributor
folks who have shared theirmental health journey with us
through essay or video format.
We want to see where they arein their mental health journey
since initially being publishedon our website.
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by having conversations here onour podcast to follow up and
(00:44):
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Make sure to like, share andsubscribe.
Morrene Hauser, thank you somuch for joining us on Recovery
Diaries.
Morrene Hauser (01:34):
In-Depth.
Thank you for being here, thankyou for having me.
Gabe Nathan (01:36):
You are so welcome.
I just want to ask you how didyou find us at Recovery Diaries?
Morrene Hauser (01:43):
Just an online search.
I am a self-taught writer.
I was a court reporter for alittle over 30 years and when I
retired I started writing and Iwrite about mental health.
Obviously, that's how I foundyou, and just an online search,
and it must have been my luckyday because you accepted my
(02:04):
writing and I was very thankfulfor that.
Gabe Nathan (02:08):
Well, it was our lucky day too.
I can't tell you.
It's an honor to have yourpiece on our site and to have
you as part of our community,and I look at all of our writers
as heroes, and I really do, andI don't think it's hyperbole to
(02:32):
say that, because I really feelthat it's people like you who
are letting people know and Isay this a lot that a lot of
people will post on social medialike you are not alone, or
they'll have it as a bumpersticker.
People will post on socialmedia like you are not alone, or
they'll have it as a bumpersticker or it's on a t-shirt,
like at a mental health walk.
But it's people like you whoreally show people that you are
(02:58):
not alone by putting theexperiences and things that you
went through and endured in youryoung life and you know we'll
get to those, of course, duringthe reading of your essay A lot
of people are actually goingthrough things like this, but
they probably feel like they'rethe only ones, and I don't think
(03:20):
that the decision to be public,to post an essay like yours is
something that people takelightly.
To post an essay like yours issomething that people take
lightly.
So I just want you to talk alittle bit about, you know,
about finding us and aboutdeciding hey, there's this
organization that publishesmental health essays.
I feel like that's somethingthat I want to do.
What was your thought processlike when you decided to click
(03:45):
send and send that essay to us?
Morrene Hauser (03:48):
Well, let me back up a little bit.
First of all, I had to get overthe guilt and the shame and the
humiliation, and I said guiltand I'll say that again the
ultimate guilt of being a childabuse survivor, because I turned
everything around and made itmy fault, which is typical.
And so when I started writing mybook, which was right around my
(04:11):
nervous breakdown, I just hadthis knowing in me that this
will eventually reach the publicand the right survivors.
But in the meantime, I startedwriting articles, as I call them
, which is what I consider myvery own sunshine, an article
(04:35):
and I knew, in order to helpother people, I had to be very
open and honest about what Iwent through and I had to let go
of the guilt because it was.
I mean, I think any survivorthat's listening to this is
nodding their head like guilt,yes, and shame.
I mean, I looked at my peersand I'm like I just felt like I
(05:00):
was an alien, like I was theonly one that had experienced it
, which I know that's not true,but that was at the beginning of
my journey.
Did I answer your question ordid I?
No, you did.
Gabe Nathan (05:13):
No, you answered the question beautifully, but I
guess I'd like to know, when youtalk about letting go of that
guilt and that shame, that'sobviously not something that
happens instantaneously Correct.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthat process?
How do you begin to get outfrom under that weight and I
guess it probably does feel likea weight, this thing that's
(05:35):
hanging on you?
Morrene Hauser (05:36):
Oh, yes, what is that like?
Well, the first part of yourquestion how did I get out of it
Was by writing my story, andthe book that is completed and I
have not found a publisher asof yet is entitled the Good Girl
.
And writing that book justopened my eyes to how the abuse
(06:03):
made me the person that I am ofhow the abuse made me the person
that I am, you know just.
And it helped release a lot ofthe guilt and shame and
humiliation, because as I wrote,I realized this is not my fault
.
I was an innocent victim at thehands of some very sick people.
I highly recommend any survivorto write about what they went
(06:27):
through, whether you keep it toyourself, whether you have a
book burning party or you shareit.
I think it's very healing.
Gabe Nathan (06:36):
Is writing something that's always been a
part of your life.
Morrene Hauser (06:40):
No, like I said, I was a court reporter for the
first little over 30 years of mycareer and I eventually had to
give it, my beloved career, up,because of the migraines.
I mean, I just dealt withmigraines through my whole life.
I got married with a migraine.
I ran a half marathon with amigraine.
(07:02):
I have an extremely high paintolerance.
When I retired, which was rightaround the time of my nervous
breakdown, that's when I startedwriting.
So prior to that I had notwritten.
I was an avid reader and courtreporting certainly set the
stage and gave me a lot ofskills to become a writer, and I
(07:25):
love writing.
Gabe Nathan (07:27):
And can you talk a little bit about what happens
when you're writing?
What does it feel like to openup and put things down on the
page and explore some very, verypainful and traumatic memories?
Morrene Hauser (07:42):
I'm going to try to get through this without
crying, but I'm not sure I'mgoing to make to get through
this without crying, but I'm notsure I'm going to make it but
these are tears of happinessbecause of where I'm at today,
but it just releases so much.
You know for years, and probablyevery survivor can understand,
this is we couldn't talk aboutit In my house was a code of
(08:06):
silence.
You do not talk about what goeson in our house, and when I was
a little girl there were timesI did, but this just I mean I
always felt very misunderstood.
I'm a highly sensitive person,I'm an abused survivor, I'm
empathic and I mean I justfinally felt heard and that's
(08:27):
just so beautiful Whether myfriends have read it or somebody
was kind enough to publish whatI wrote, which I've had a
number of publications and I'mthankful for I'm finally being
heard and that's just such abeautiful, freeing and
therapeutic thing to happen.
Gabe Nathan (08:47):
And I feel like that's what everybody wants.
Whether they're a trauma orabuse survivor or not, everybody
just wants to be heard, becausethere are things inside of us
that are just aching to get out,and we're aching for empathy
and connection.
Morrene Hauser (09:06):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (09:07):
And I feel and I hope that when we publish an
essay and put it out into theworld, that those little
connections are happening allover the world.
You may never hear about them,I may never hear about them, but
someone somewhere is beingconnected to you through your
words and through your work.
And that's got to feel veryhopeful.
Morrene Hauser (09:29):
Yes, and you know I'm going to be 60 years
old next month.
So I didn't grow up with theinternet.
I mean, we had three or fourchannels on the TV.
I didn't know that what washappening was wrong, didn't know
that what was happening waswrong, and so I mean just to
carry all of those secrets andtrauma around for years before I
(09:51):
finally cracked open thatPandora's box.
It's been amazing and it's beeneight years since my nervous
breakdown and I just I am sothankful for where I'm at today.
I don't think I've I have neverfelt this happy in my life and
it's born of peace and quietingthat nervous system that was
(10:16):
just so out of whack for years.
And I have lots of goals andplans for the future.
I'm thankful I'm on disability,but it's not my ultimate goal.
Gabe Nathan (10:28):
Sure, of course.
And as we talk about yourmental health journey and your
recovery and what has beenhelpful in your recovery, so
obviously writing has beenhelpful and cathartic, use that
word.
Obviously writing has beenhelpful and cathartic, use that
word.
You know this great release ofstress and of pain, horses have
(10:51):
been another component of yourrecovery.
We're going to get to that tooAbsolutely.
But I'm curious also about therole of therapy and medication.
Has either of those played arole in your recovery?
Morrene Hauser (11:05):
Oh, yes, gosh, that's such a long.
I'm trying to shorten thatbecause I was on medication for
years before I found out whatwas wrong with me, because I
just suffered so much with themigraines and the insomnia and
the depression and the anxiety.
(11:25):
So, yes, there was years that Iwas on something to varying
degrees, when I had my breakdown.
I was hospitalized for onenight and I got out and I was in
two weeks of outpatient therapy, intense therapy, which was
very, very healing, and then Idon't even know what kind of
(11:50):
medication I was on at the time.
I know at one point I got somekind of heavy duty
antidepressant but I had been onone years ago and it was an
absolute nightmare to get offand I looked at all the side
effects and I thought I don'twant to do this to myself.
(12:10):
So currently I take trazodonefor sleep and I take hydroxyzine
for sleep and I really don'ttake much and I'm very thankful
for that.
I just I really wanted to workthings out the best I could in
(12:30):
my own mind, with my own way, asI call it, of natural healing
versus taking synthetics, ifthat's the right word.
So, but currently I am not incounseling, I'm on disability
(12:51):
and Medicare and I'm thankfulfor it.
But that does definitely limitme as far as finances.
But I have a wonderful supportsystem and my best friend I mean
I can system and my best friend, I mean anytime I'm having a
down moment or down day, she'salways there for me.
I've never, ever felt that allright, maureen, you need to shut
(13:13):
it down because this is gettingold, so that's good.
I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for that.
Gabe Nathan (13:22):
That's wonderful, and I think a lot of people
sometimes neglect to considerthe impact of that social
support network.
Yes, friends, family, if peopleare working, colleagues,
someone that they can reallyreally lean on, lean on.
(13:46):
And having that close friendwho just maybe instinctually
knows that there's something offwith you, who says come over,
you can have a cup of tea andsit with me for an hour or two
or three or more, that's huge.
That's really really big.
I'm really really glad that youhave that support in your life.
Morrene Hauser (14:03):
Well, they say that.
Well, I've heard that womenrecover from trauma, or at least
come to terms with it, a lotfaster than men generally do.
Because we're talkers and I'vealways been a talker, I've
always.
But then again, I think, foryears I wasn't allowed to talk.
So then, once I was able tofind my voice, now it's like I
(14:26):
want to talk, I want to.
Gabe Nathan (14:27):
Well, it's like that natural shutoff valve was
closed for you, yes, and all ofthat wanted to come out.
But, like you said, we don'ttalk about what happens in this
house, and that's where theabuse was happening, and so it's
incredibly difficult forsomeone who wants to be vocal,
who wants to give voice to this,to have that closed off, and
(14:54):
you know it's hard to look for asilver lining in something like
a breakdown, but maybe thatneeded to happen in order to
open up your voice.
Morrene Hauser (15:04):
I was sleepwalking through life prior
to my breakdown and I've heard afew times, here and there, that
that's probably one of the bestthings that can happen to a
person.
I've even heard people sayeverybody should go through a
breakdown.
I'm still mulling that over,but for me, it was the best
(15:26):
thing that happened, becausethere were so many issues in my
life, from the alcoholism andthe chronic illnesses and all of
the memories going through myhead, the flashbacks that I
wouldn't acknowledge.
I had to crash in order to comeback stronger.
I had to crash in order to comeback stronger.
But I'll tell you this pasteight years has been quite a
(15:49):
journey and at times it's beenvery painful because I fought it
tooth and nail, as the egoicmind has a tendency to do.
Gabe Nathan (15:59):
Yeah, Can you talk a little bit about the alcohol,
because I don't know if that'ssomething that's really explored
so much in your essay.
Do you feel that you were usingthat to cope or to numb or to
suppress, and how did that turnaround?
Morrene Hauser (16:20):
As far as how it helped me, I first started
drinking when I was 14.
Now we didn't drink muchbecause we were underage.
There wasn't a lot of ways wecould.
But you know, by the time I was18, I was a functioning
alcoholic and I always was ableto perform, like with my family,
(16:47):
with my job.
I mean, in the evenings I wouldget pretty drunk, so I wasn't
performing very much there, butit just it took away the
flashbacks, it took away thefear.
It took away, it made merelaxed and I was able to laugh.
Now I've always now, of course,as the years went on, that was
(17:09):
a very painful point for me,because after a while my
family's just like you knowyou're drinking too much, and
this was went on for years, andevery time I tried to stop I
couldn't, because I just Icouldn't and because I hadn't
faced my problem.
Now, once I had my breakdown, Icontinued to drink quite
(17:31):
heavily because I was gettingall of these memories coming
back.
Now I drink on occasion.
It's not I still feel guiltabout it though, but it's.
I'm not drinking every night,I'm not getting drunk like I
(17:51):
used to.
I would say sometimes.
When I do drink now, it's justto relax my muscles, my tense
muscles, from the migraines, andthat does do it.
But I don't feel a need to pickup a drink because I'm
depressed or anxious, and thatis huge.
(18:12):
Now I don't know what my futurebrings.
Am I going to eventually hangup drinking altogether?
I don't know.
Gabe Nathan (18:21):
Right.
Morrene Hauser (18:21):
But whatever is going on, it's under control and
I'm thankful that's great andagain for me, just quieting down
that nervous system that was soout of whack for years.
I mean I'm definitely going towrite about that, because when I
hear of other survivors beingable to sleep, that blows my
(18:45):
mind.
I mean I'm sleeping, how is?
Gabe Nathan (18:47):
that even possible.
Morrene Hauser (18:49):
Yeah, I'm sleeping much better now because
last year I just said I'm notdoing this anymore.
I have.
I knew, you know, when I hadwritten my book I really delved
a lot into the insomnia becauseit had been with me since I was
seven years old and I realizedit was fear, I'm not going to
(19:13):
sleep, I'm not staying asleepbecause I'm afraid.
And one day I was on YouTubelooking at I'm on YouTube all
the time listening to stuff,healing stuff, and I saw
something about healing insomniaand I listened to it and part
of it made sense.
And then when they startedwanting you to go into the sleep
(19:35):
deprivation, I thought no, thatwouldn't work for me because I
have done way too manyall-nighters.
So I just said I'm going to dothis on my own all-nighters.
So I just said I'm going to dothis on my own and I just said I
mean, it took a little while,but every time I would feel that
fear when it was time to go tobed, I would say there's nobody
going to hurt you anymore,you're safe.
(19:56):
That was then and this is now.
It's safe to sleep.
Now, obviously it's not 100%.
My nervous system's not 100%convinced because I still have
to take stuff at night to sleep,but I look at that medication
with gratitude.
I used to beat myself up andget depressed because I had to
(20:18):
take something.
Now I understand its originsand I'm thankful.
I'm thankful that I havesomething to aid me.
Gabe Nathan (20:27):
And it's another extension of shame and guilt.
So there's feeling shame andguilt for what happened to you.
There's feeling shame and guiltabout needing something to help
you.
There's shame and guilt aboutwhy can't I just sleep?
Why can't my nervous systemunderstand that I'm safe now.
So that's such a continuousthread that I see through your
(20:50):
life and I wonder if part of thesleep thing too is about
control, Because when we'reasleep we're out of control.
Anything could happen.
Right, that's good.
Just as you felt out of controlwhen you were being abused as a
child.
Morrene Hauser (21:03):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (21:05):
It's a very vulnerable thing A what happened
to you and B, even just the actof sleeping and so convincing
yourself that it's okay and thatit's safe, quieting that CPTSD
mind.
It's a very difficult thing todo and I want to ask you about
(21:28):
triggers for your CPTSD.
Can you talk about some of themand also how you cope with them
when they arise?
Morrene Hauser (21:38):
Well, music is a huge trigger for me.
I mean, I would think it wouldbe for most people, just because
I don't know.
But there are certain things,songs I cannot listen to.
It just brings back everyhorrible, painful emotion and no
matter how much I have tried toreprogram my mind, my body,
(22:04):
whatever's going on, that's notgoing to work.
A crowing rooster that justsends my nervous system into the
outer limits, because that wasa part of my life that was very
bad.
Here I'm going to get emotionalagain.
I really feel that the universe,I'm single, I live alone and I
(22:30):
really am thankful for this timethat I've had to heal alone.
I don't have anybody around methat stresses me out.
I don't have young children.
I love my kids, but little kidscan stress you out.
I don't have a job thatstresses me out.
I don't have a job thatstresses me out.
I don't have a relationshipthat stresses me out.
(22:51):
I'm very good friends with myex-husband, by the way, but I'm
thankful that I can just walkaway from anything or anybody
that disturbs my mental health.
And so, like I said, it's beena tough eight years since my
breakdown, but I finallyrealized why it all had to
(23:13):
happen and why I've been ahermit, Because I've been pretty
much a hermit.
I go out to see my horse.
I love my people at the barn.
I call them my barn family.
So I know that this time in mylife will not be forever, where
(23:34):
I'm alone and kind of a hermit.
I mean I see a lot of reallygood things from my life and I
(23:58):
have to again.
Gabe Nathan (23:58):
I have to be very thankful for this time.
There's no one to stress me outand there's no you know
external stimulus.
They would say, god, you know,she must be so lonely, um, or
kind of project their ownemotions onto you, um, and I
(24:19):
think there's a great differencebetween being alone and being
lonely, and I don't want to putwords in your mouth Maybe you
are lonely sometimes.
No, I have something to add tothat.
I have something to add to that.
Morrene Hauser (24:24):
I don't watch the news because obviously
mental health reasons.
But I do get online and I'lllook at, you know, headlines and
like maybe I can handle thisone or you know, just to look
and I was seeing like thisloneliness epidemic and of
people getting older and youknow I'm at that age and I was,
(24:45):
you know, gabe.
I was starting to buy into thatand I was starting to feel
depressed.
It was making me feel like alittle old lady and you know,
one day I said F you, you're notgoing to pin a label on me and
tell me how I should feel.
And it didn't last long beforeI crawled back out of that.
(25:09):
You know what the news istrying to make me tell me how I
should feel.
And I just look at this time inmy life and the quietness and
the solitude with so muchgratitude.
I didn't look at like that allthe time.
I mean, there were times I justfelt left behind and forgotten
(25:32):
in this world.
I no longer feel that way.
I get impatient at times withmy life because I'm just like,
okay, come on, let's go, let'sgo, I have things to do and but
the universe has to open thosedoors.
I'm doing everything I can onmy end yeah.
Gabe Nathan (25:51):
And you can't force something.
So things are going to happenwhen they happen, and you're
certainly not somebody who justsits around and does nothing.
You're very creative, you'reindustrious, you're thoughtful,
you're very actively engaged inlife and in your own recovery.
So obviously what's happeningright now is working and I think
(26:13):
it's great that you made thatcall about not buying into.
What I really feel like is poppsychology and the whole
loneliness epidemic.
If that's what other people aregoing through, that's fine, but
that's not what everyone isgoing through.
Um, so not allowing yourself tobe pigeonholed, um, I think
(26:34):
that's great.
Um, so you mentioned your barn,family and going to see your
horse.
Um, can you tell us a little bitabout your horse, can you?
Morrene Hauser (26:44):
tell us a little bit about your horse.
Well, as I wrote about in myarticle, he came into my life
when I was going through anervous breakdown.
My marriage was ending, mycareer was ending.
And I saw him one day onFacebook and I had been looking.
(27:09):
You know, during that time Ihad been looking at horses on
Facebook and I had been looking.
You know, during that time Ihad been looking at horses on
Facebook I hadn't years prior tothat but and I saw him.
I saw a lot of horses, but theday I saw him, my heart just
stopped in my chest and mybreath just caught my throat and
, you know, and my breath justcaught my throat.
And, gabe, I firmly believethat certain things people,
(27:31):
animals are meant to come intoyour life at the right time and
you will recognize them.
And I recognized my horse.
I didn't understand what washappening at that time.
All I knew is he was for saleand I wanted to get my butt down
to wherever he was at to lookat him, and I did.
And I had no plans on buying ahorse.
(27:53):
I mean, my career was ending, Ihad no idea how I was going to
support myself.
I still bought a horse and hegot me through the worst times
of my life.
I mean, he is and he's also asurvivor, if that's what you
call an animal.
He came from an abusivesituation.
The gentleman I bought him fromhad rescued him, so he has
(28:16):
trauma in his body and he's just.
Every time I'm with him I amfully present.
You have to be fully presentwith an animal that size, but I
just feel like I can communicatewith him.
I mean, I just love that horsewith every ounce of my being and
I'm so thankful for him.
I don't know how I would havemade it through that time in my
(28:40):
life without him.
Gabe Nathan (28:42):
Yeah, I mean, it's a partnership and that's.
It's a really beautiful thingto be so connected to something
like that and I'm so, so gladthat that happened for you when
it did.
And I don't know, sometimespeople come into our lives when
we need them animals, cars,whatever it is.
(29:03):
Yes whatever it is, we can havethat emotional connection with
anything and it really can be asaving grace.
So I mean, I think this is areally lovely segue into your
essay, because your essay isit's not about this horse, but
it's about really about anotherone who was in your life at a
(29:27):
very horrible time and I wouldlove to dip into your essay.
It is called my Very OwnSunshine.
Healing from Trauma with Horsesby Hauser.
Morrene Hauser (29:42):
Family is not only a blood relative.
In fact, family can come inmany different shapes and sizes.
The way I learned about thepower of love didn't come from
my biological family.
It came from an unlikely sourcea little pony I had as a child
named Sunshine.
I grew up in an abusivehousehold and there were a lot
(30:03):
of fears in my young life.
I was afraid of the adultsaround me.
I was afraid of the kids atschool.
I was afraid of the dark.
I had more fears in my lifethan I could put a name to.
My mom had many relationshipswhen I was a child some
boyfriends, some husbands,almost all of them abusive.
From as far back as I canremember, I was verbally,
(30:24):
sexually and physically abusedby my mom and the various toxic
men she brought into our lives.
Due to the ongoing abuse, I hadlearned from a young age that
adults were not to be trusted.
We moved often.
It was a lonely and terrifyingchildhood.
When I was seven years old, mymom married her third husband
(30:44):
and I got my own pony that Inamed Sunshine.
I was a crazy, obsessed horselover, so this was a dream come
true.
My mom had a small barn full ofhorses by the time I was born,
so the love of these magnificentanimals was ingrained in me
from an early age, from the waythey smelled, to their warm and
velvety noses, to their kind andsoulful eyes.
(31:07):
I couldn't get enough of theseamazing creatures.
Each time I was in the presenceof a horse, all of my inner
turmoil faded into thebackground and I was able to
forget about the abuse Isuffered at home.
As much as I loved Sunshine, Iwas also terrified of her.
Terror was something I hadgrown up with and it was
(31:27):
something I understood well.
But despite my fears, I rodeSunshine bareback every chance I
could at the stables where shewas boarded.
Since I didn't receive love andaffection at home, horses were
the only means of emotionalsupport I had, and I was drawn
to them like a moth to a flame.
Sunshine knew I was afraid ofher, and that little pony took
(31:48):
full advantage of my fear.
From the moment I got on her, Iwould start saying silent
prayers to her to be a good girl.
Sunshine never heard my prayers, or maybe she just didn't care.
Sunshine bucked me off.
She ran away with me and rarelydid she go in the direction I
wanted her to, sometimes in themiddle of a ride Sunshine's legs
(32:09):
would buckle and down we wouldgo.
As soon as I felt her go down Iwould hop off because I know
she was going to roll.
While Sunshine rolled I lookedat her round stomach and lapped
at her little legs kickingvigorously in the air as she
moved from side to side,scratching her back.
When she was done I got back onand we continued our ride.
(32:29):
Sometimes our rides were long,sometimes they were short.
I never knew where Sunshinewould take us, but I was always
grateful for the rides she tookme on.
Every time I rode Sunshine Icouldn't keep the smile off my
face.
I was head over heels in lovewith my little pony and failed
to see her many flaws.
I dreamt about Sunshine atnight and I daydreamed about her
(32:52):
during the day.
I talked about her incessantly.
At that time in my young lifethat little pony was my whole
world, my Sunshine.
I just couldn't get enough ofher.
Sunshine may have been a devilwhen I was on her back, but as
soon as I got down she couldn'thave been more loving.
That little pony just couldn'tget enough affection and I was
(33:14):
more than happy to oblige.
I loved to wrap my arms aroundSunshine's head, rest my cheek
against hers and pet her as Iinhaled her sweet horsey scent.
I was able to pour out mypent-up love and affection on
her, something I desperatelycraved because of the constant
abuse.
When I was with Sunshine, theloneliness, confusion and fears
(33:37):
of my daily life disappearedEvery time I got on my little
pony's back.
Without realizing it, I waslearning to face my fears.
It never once occurred to menot to ride her.
When I was nine years old, mymom married her fourth husband,
an abusive truck driver namedEmil, and we moved to another
(33:57):
state.
Mom brought her horses, twoArabians named Jazan and Quasar,
but Sunshine was sold.
I was absolutely devastatedwhen I had to leave my little
pony behind.
Without my beloved sunshine, myanchor, I was lost in the sea
of abuse.
That was my life.
After mom married her fourthhusband, any fears I had in my
(34:19):
young life were soon turned intooutright terror from the daily
abuse I suffered at his handsand my mother's.
In addition to bringing me intotheir bed and abusing me, mom
and Emil sex trafficked me attruck stops.
It was a terrifying andconfusing time for me, but abuse
was what I had grown up withand, as uncomfortable as it was,
(34:41):
that was my normal.
I badly needed the comfort andsolace of my pony and although
the other horses were there, Imissed my bright spot, my
sunshine.
One day, shortly after we moved,I was in Jezan's stall,
brushing him lost in thought asI looked at him.
Suddenly I knew, without adoubt, that I could handle this
(35:03):
young and spirited horse.
My fear of horses was gone.
I am not sure what changed inme as far as overcoming my fear
of horses.
Maybe it was the level of abusethat Emil brought into my life
that eclipsed any fear I hadever experienced.
But overcoming that particularfear was life-changing.
(35:23):
When I asked mom if I couldride Jezazon, she thought about
it for a second, no doubtremembering my escapades with
sunshine.
Finally, mom shrugged hershoulders and saddled Jazon up.
From the moment mom hoisted meonto his back, my world was
transformed and I couldn't keepthe smile off my face.
Finally I was riding again.
(35:46):
Jazon was a challenge to rideand I enjoyed every minute of it
.
Jazon spooked, bolted andbucked.
Nothing he did scared me and Ihandled him with ease.
I had become a fearlessdaredevil on horseback.
Sunshine had taught me well.
Shortly after Emil entered ourlives is when I started to
(36:06):
dissociate from the sexual abuse.
While I lay there desperatelytrying to escape the terror and
confusion that my mind was tooyoung to process, I often
escaped into a rich and vibrantfantasy world filled with horses
brown ones, white ones, blackones, red ones, spotted ones,
horses of every breed and sizewhite ones, black ones, red ones
(36:28):
, spotted ones, horses of everybreed and size.
Somehow, these fantasiesbrought me comfort and helped
ease the pain of what I wasgoing through as the abuse
worsened in my house and mymental health deteriorated.
The horses gave me a purpose, areason to get up and face each
day and the many challenges inmy life.
Being around the horses was theonly time in my day that I felt
alive and present.
(36:50):
When I was 15 years old, Ifinally fought back against the
abuse.
Mom had lost interest insexually abusing me a few years
prior, but Emil had not.
The day that I fought back,emil didn't take it well.
After beating me up andviolently raping me, that was
the last time he ever touched mein that manner.
I'm not sure why he stoppedabusing me.
(37:11):
Maybe he thought I enjoyed histouch.
Nothing could have been furtherfrom the truth.
Unfortunately, this particularincident had a devastating
effect on me.
I lost interest in the mostimportant thing in my life, and
that was my horse.
Although I still loved him, Istopped riding and spending time
with him.
I was in a fog of depressionand it was all I could do to put
(37:34):
one foot in front of the otherand get through the day.
It would be many, long yearsbefore my passion for horses
would be rekindled when I leftmy abusive household and went to
college.
That was the first time in mylife I didn't have a horse.
I really thought about thembecause as much as they reminded
me of the happiest parts of mychildhood, they also reminded me
(37:56):
of the most painful parts.
It was bittersweet.
Somewhere along the way, withoutrealizing it, I had buried the
memories of the sexual abuse Isuffered as a child into the
deepest recesses of my mind.
Unfortunately, those memoriesrefused to stay in the past and
they often surfaced at randomtimes with terrifying and
(38:19):
disturbing images of me beingsexually abused as a child.
I never understood why theseimages would pop into my head,
but each time they did, Iimmediately kicked them out,
stubbornly refusing toacknowledge what my mind was so
desperately trying to tell me,but they always left me badly
shaken, with a racing heart andterrified adrenaline running
(38:40):
through my system.
It took an enormous amount ofeffort to keep that fake smile
on my face and pretendeverything was okay in my world.
I always knew something wasn'tright with me, and that was a
question I often asked myself asthe years passed.
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
(39:00):
From the daily flashbacks, tothe anxiety and depression, to
the chronic migraines and severeinsomnia?
Something just didn't feelright.
But deep down I knew that thatsomething had to do with my
childhood.
But that was as far as I couldgo.
I wasn't ready to face my past.
One day I could no longer denythat these flashbacks were
(39:21):
actual memories of abuse Isuffered as a child.
It was at that time I suffereda nervous breakdown and was
hospitalized.
After my hospitalization, I wasdiagnosed with CPTSD due to
years of childhood trauma.
After my hospitalization andsubsequent diagnosis of CPTSD, I
(39:42):
finally had an answer to thatquestion that haunted me for
years what is wrong with me?
My diagnosis had a twofoldeffect on me.
On the one hand, it felt like apunch to the gut that almost
brought me to my knees when Irealized all of the years of
abuse that I had suffered as achild.
How could these people mymother specifically that should
(40:04):
have loved and protected me as achild, have done such heinous
things to me?
I was absolutely overwhelmedwith shock and grief.
And yet, on the other hand, itwas a relief to finally get an
answer to that question that Ihad been asking myself for years
.
Now that I had my answer, I madeit my mission to face my past
(40:27):
and heal from all I had beenthrough as a child.
All I ever wanted was to feelgood.
It was at this most crucialtime in my life.
I bought a horse, a gorgeousArabian paint named Two-Face.
I hadn't planned on buying ahorse.
He just sort of fell into mylife as if faded.
Once again, a horse came in tosave me when I was at one of the
(40:49):
lowest points in my life, whenI started healing from my past,
I often thought about sunshine,and every time I did, I smiled.
When I look back at my life, Irealize that sunshine taught me
many important life lessons,such as facing my fears and
responsibility.
But more importantly, sunshinetaught me how to love.
(41:09):
I had learned from a young agethat being touched meant being
hurt and I trusted no one.
Even though Sunshine was a pony, she taught me that being
touched didn't have to hurt andthat it was safe to let my guard
down.
I firmly believe that withoutSunshine or any of the horses in
my life, I would not have beenable to show love and affection
(41:30):
to my children, since I didn'treceive it at home.
I am forever grateful to thatlittle pony.
I don't know what became ofSunshine.
Only one picture of hersurvived throughout our many
moves.
I cherish that picture andsmile each time I look at it.
She still brings me sunshineevery time I think of her.
When I look back at my life, Ibelieve that horses were there
(41:52):
to teach me about love andsafety, something that I didn't
learn from my family.
To me, the horses were myfamily.
Honestly, I'm not sure how Iwould have made it without them.
And in case you're wonderingyes, I have a horse, I couldn't
imagine it without them.
And in case you're wondering,yes, I have a horse.
Gabe Nathan (42:11):
I couldn't imagine life without one.
Morrene Hauser (42:14):
Thank you.
Gabe Nathan (42:15):
Thank you for reading that and thank you for
sharing that with us.
Morrene Hauser (42:17):
Yes.
Gabe Nathan (42:19):
And I'm just going to read your little bio here at
the end of the essay.
Morrene Hauser currently livesin Columbus, Ohio.
For a little over 30 years shewas a court reporter.
Upon retirement, maureenstarted writing children's books
about the many wonderfulanimals she had while growing up
and the powerful impact they'vehad in her life.
In addition to writingchildren's books, maureen also
(42:40):
writes about mental health.
Maureen has two grown childrenthat also live in Ohio.
Morrene has two grown childrenthat also live in Ohio.
And after this I don't know ifyou see the comment that someone
wrote down here in August aboutyour essay.
I'm not going to read the wholething, but I really do want to
(43:01):
just read one line from it.
This is from a woman namedMichelle and it says this email
ended up in my inbox.
I'm not sure how.
I don't recall signing up forthis.
However, it is as if someonewas telling the story of my life
, and that's huge.
Morrene Hauser (43:22):
I didn't see that.
Gabe Nathan (43:23):
Yeah, and I actually I didn't know that that
was there either until I waslooking at your essay again
yesterday in preparation forthis interview, and it really
brings home what you weretalking about towards the
beginning of this interviewabout the power of writing and
about how healing andtherapeutic and cathartic.
(43:43):
It is for the writer, but alsothen we think about the reader,
and we have no idea who that'sgoing to be.
And this one, michelle, likeshe wrote, no idea how she got
this, didn't remember signing upfor the Recovery Diaries
newsletter, and yet there it is.
Morrene Hauser (43:58):
It was faded.
Gabe Nathan (44:00):
It was something that she needed that was there
for her, Like sunshine was therefor you when you needed her
Like your horse now was therefor her.
Like sunshine was there for youwhen you needed her, like your
horse now was there for you.
So it's pretty extraordinarykind of the magic of connection
and what writing can do for theauthor and the reader alike.
I just wanted to kind of likeacknowledge and celebrate that
(44:22):
for a minute.
Morrene Hauser (44:23):
And can I add something about writing, and
this occurred to me.
I just wrote an article abouthealing your inner child and it
occurred to me while I waswriting this article, how okay,
so say, you talk to somebodyabout what you went through, so
there's one aspect, then youwrite it down and then you're
(44:46):
gaining more aspects.
And this article that I wrotethat I just finished, is the
first time I wrote somethingabout healing your inner child
and I had so many aha momentsthat I hadn't gotten.
When I talked about it and whenI thought about it and when I
(45:06):
wrote about it, it's just likewow, this is.
I mean, I just struggled to cryor not to cry throughout the
whole thing, because I knew if Istarted to cry I probably
wouldn't stop.
Gabe Nathan (45:17):
Yeah, and through the process of creativity,
you're unraveling, you'reunwinding, you're unlocking all
of this different stuff andmaking all of these different
connections for yourself.
It's just such a wonderful toolto use in aid of recovery and
creative exploration and alsointerconnection, helping other
(45:38):
people while you're doing it.
It's a really wonderful.
I have a question for you and I.
This is something that I wrestlewith in my own personal life
and also when I read.
You know, I get contributionsevery day to recovery diaries,
(45:59):
authors writing about alldifferent kinds of things, and a
lot of times people are writingabout abuse and they're writing
about trauma and things thatwere done to them and things
that happened to them, and oneof the themes that comes up
again and again is forgiveness.
Yes, and I think that alltrauma survivors have very
(46:21):
different ideas aboutforgiveness and about whether I
think some people believe thatit's necessary to forgive to
move forward with healing.
There really can't be healinguntil we forgive, and if you
don't forgive, then you'reholding on to anger.
And I have such conflictedemotions and feelings about the
(46:44):
word forgiveness as it relatesto abuse, specifically horrific
abuse like you endured.
So, I just want to hear from youwhat are your thoughts about
that, your thoughts aboutforgiveness as a function of
healing and recovery.
Morrene Hauser (47:01):
That's a very good question.
I often wonder do we ever trulyfully forgive?
I've heard that so many timesand I wonder about that for me,
but I will say, forgiveness camepretty easily for me, at least
for my abusers, because I turnedall that happened to me around
on myself.
I felt guilty and ashamed.
(47:23):
I didn't feel that I hadanybody to forgive.
I mean, until I faced my trauma.
I don't wake up with a heartfull of hate and anger and
reliving the past you know, itis what it is Part of me feels
like I came onto this earth toexperience what I did, to help
(47:46):
other people.
That's, you know, on a veryspiritual level.
But I've found it harder toforgive people in my adult life
that have hurt me over the years, like you know, holding a
grudge, and I work on that.
Me over the years, like youknow, holding a grudge and I
(48:10):
work on that.
I always I was telling my bestfriend, I always have a project
that I'm working on and rightnow it's releasing fears, just
releasing things from the past.
And you know, nate, when I,when I feel a negative memory
coming up, I picture it as acandle flame and I lick my
fingers and just snuff thatflame out before it can gain
(48:33):
momentum.
And another thing that's helpedme is giving prayers of
gratitude.
I mean I've had to retrain mybrain Instead of looking at
every depressing thing andpicturing every worst outcome.
I mean, gratitude has reallysaved me.
(48:55):
So you were asking aboutforgiveness and I'm just kind of
wandering.
Gabe Nathan (49:01):
No, it's all related really.
Morrene Hauser (49:03):
I would think the biggest thing for me is the
hurt over how they could havedone that to that poor child.
When I look at my kids, I meanit just boggles my mind how you
could look at a child as a sexobject.
But you know, I'm thankful thatI broke the cycle of abuse my
(49:29):
kids sleep well, that's theother thing, yeah, yeah they're
not heavy drinkers.
I mean they're not, you knowthey're.
They drink on occasion, butthey were nothing like I did.
I mean I, I drank for years.
Gabe Nathan (49:42):
So they didn't grow up in a traumatic environment
and weren't abused.
And so that's the best shotthat they have for leading a
functional quote.
Normal life, everybody hasstuff right, but you did break
that cycle and that's incrediblypowerful because not everybody
(50:04):
can do that.
Morrene Hauser (50:05):
Mm-hmm.
Yes, and I, you know I'm theonly one that spoke out about it
.
There's my older brother thatwas also abused, but we don't
have a relationship and he'srepeatedly called me a liar and
Gabe.
When I started facing whathappened to me, nobody wanted to
(50:27):
prove me wrong, more thanmyself.
I mean.
I was constantly looking forthings where I was wrong, but I
wasn't.
I knew I mean I wasn't.
But I also understand whypeople can't face it.
But I also understand whypeople can't face it.
I understand why people gothrough their lives of
(50:48):
dysfunction and tiptoe aroundthe elephant in the room,
because it's a tremendouslypainful thing to revisit the
past.
It's like you're.
At least.
For me, it was like I was beingre-traumatized all over again.
Of course, it was about sevenand a half years into my journey
(51:11):
this past summer that Iintuitively knew I had walked
through the flames.
Gabe Nathan (51:14):
And so yeah, and.
I think, you know, like I saidat the very beginning of the
essay at the interview, that allof our storytellers are heroes
right, and I believe thatemphatically.
But I also want to be carefulwhen I say that because I don't
want to seem like I'm elevatingpeople who have gone through
(51:38):
things and are open about it andtalk about it over people who
have gone through horriblethings and choose not to.
I think it's all valid and it'sall okay and it's an individual
choice that people have to makeabout whether.
I'm going to A speak about it toanybody ever a therapist in
(51:59):
private, in confidentiality, ora close friend, or publicly on a
website is a very, verydifferent thing, and that choice
has to be honored.
I think whether it's speakingout or staying silent.
Morrene Hauser (52:17):
Yes, silent yes.
And I, you know I, everybody,you're right is on a different
journey and they have to do whatfits them.
There's no one size fits all inthis healing journey.
And one thing I would like toadd is when I first started
(52:38):
acknowledging and dealing withwhat happened to me, I mean, you
know, a lot of my relationshipsimploded.
I mean I was no longer the sameperson.
But the general consensus thatI felt from people who were not
truly my friends, I guess Ishould say, was like get over it
.
It happened a long time ago.
(52:58):
Get over it.
And I had a family member who isalso an abuse survivor and she
was helping me through that timeand she would get angry at me
because I was not recoveringlike she thought I was supposed
to.
And one day I didn't even tellher, I just walked away from the
relationship because it hurt meso bad and it just made
(53:21):
everything I was feeling evenworse having somebody angry at
me.
But I realized I faced my abusewhen I was 51 years old, and so
not only did I have to revisitmy childhood, there was all
(53:42):
those years as an adult where Iwas running around with an
undiagnosed mental healthcondition and those were some
very, very painful years and Ihad to recover.
I had to heal from that also.
So it wasn't and I just reallyadmire people and I also envy
(54:02):
them that can deal, that canface the abuse earlier than life
than I had, because if I hadbeen able to I could have had a
much better life at certainpoints.
Gabe Nathan (54:14):
But Well, you know, like you said earlier,
everyone's on a differentjourney and I'll tell you.
There's this statistic fromNAMI, the National Alliance for
Mental Illness, that the averagelength of time between
experiencing symptoms of amental illness and seeking help
and this is just for the generalpopulation, this isn't
(54:37):
necessarily for trauma survivorsand abuse survivors is 11 years
11 years from, let's say,experiencing symptoms of
depression or anxiety, like Iknow something's going on with
me, to actually doing somethingabout it 11 years, and that's
just for.
I don't even want to say not runof the mill.
(54:58):
Mental health challenges but,challenges that are, they're not
on the order of magnitude ofCPTSD.
So I think and there's so manydifferent reasons why people
delay seeking treatment or theydon't want to acknowledge what
they're experiencing or, in yourcase, remembering there is
(55:21):
stigma, there is shame, there isguilt, there are financial
issues, there is just theday-to-day of every life.
I don't have time, I can't dealwith that now, I'll deal with
that later, or next week, ornext month, or next year, and
then it just goes on and on, andon and on, and then, right
there is that realization of Godwhat could my life have been if
I addressed this earlier?
(55:43):
But the fact of the matter isis you did address it and it was
51 and not 81.
You know it could have been 21,but it wasn't.
And this is the journey thatyou're on and I think you know,
you're living proof right nowthat it's a pretty extraordinary
journey.
Morrene Hauser (56:02):
Yes, and I should mention that I did seek
help at various times in my life.
I remember my late teens.
I was being counseled by a verykind lady, but I never got to
the central issue, right.
You know, I just felt likethere was something just so
wrong with me and I wasembarrassed and ashamed.
(56:25):
I always wanted to.
So I did seek help, but itwasn't until I was 51 that I got
to the sexual, the abuse.
Gabe Nathan (56:33):
Yeah Well, I am so grateful for you, Morrene.
I'm so grateful that you madeyour way to Recovery Diaries and
that you came back for thepodcast, and I know that you
have lots of projects thatyou're working on and that
you've completed.
I want you to just tell thelisteners about what you've got
in the pipeline and where theycan find it.
Morrene Hauser (56:55):
Well, I only have one book in the pipeline
and that is a book entitledSunshine that I wrote a
children's book about sunshine.
You can get it at Barnes Noble,you can get it at Amazon and
it's just a fun little book thatI wrote about her.
(57:16):
I completed the book of mychildhood.
It's entitled the Good Girl.
Now I have not yet found apublisher for it, but I envision
at some point that this bookwill get published.
I firmly believe it's meant toget out there.
It's just the right doorsopening.
(57:39):
Get out there, it's just theright doors opening.
I'm currently writing anotherbook that I am very excited
about and it's about my healingjourney.
You know from my breakdown onand the events leading up to it
and what all I've done to healmyself and, Gabe, I was
(58:00):
completely convinced when Istarted on this journey that I
could heal myself of everythingand I prayed to the universe and
I said if you get me throughthis, I will share my knowledge
far and wide to other survivors.
Well, here it is, eight yearsafter my breakdown, and it's not
(58:21):
quite turned out exactly how I.
I mean I still will havetriggers.
There are people I will stillhave to say wait, I can't hear
this.
I have PTSD.
There are still songs I have toturn off and times I'll have to
walk away.
I've come to terms with that.
Gabe Nathan (58:37):
Yeah.
Morrene Hauser (58:38):
And it's not.
Gabe Nathan (58:38):
It's not curable, it's just manageable.
Morrene Hauser (58:41):
Yes, and I have a couple other children's books
that I wrote when I startedmentoring a little girl through
Big Sisters, little Sisters ahandful of years ago, and I
wrote a couple of children'sbooks about her and a pony named
Freckles and they're fiction.
But I mentored her for threeyears and she turned into a
(59:03):
teenager and she got other.
But I have a lot of stuff inthe pipeline ready to go when
the doors open.
Gabe Nathan (59:11):
That's wonderful and probably another Recovery
Diaries essay not too far downthe line too.
Morrene Hauser (59:16):
Well, yes, absolutely.
Gabe Nathan (59:19):
Send it along.
Morrene Hauser (59:20):
I will certainly do that.
Gabe Nathan (59:22):
Morrene Hauser.
Thank you so, so much for beinghere as a guest on Recovery
Diaries In-Depth.
I appreciate it.
Morrene Hauser (59:27):
Thank you, Gabe, I truly enjoyed this discussion
.
Gabe Nathan (59:36):
Thank you again for joining us in conversation
today.
It's beautiful to see theprogression of our contributors.
Thank you so much to for yourvulnerability and for your
openness for discussing suchdifficult and very, very
important topics to explore.
Maureen Hauser is a writer andan advocate.
She's living in Columbus, Ohio.
(59:56):
We're very, very grateful toher for her time.
Before we leave you, we want toremind you to check out our
website, recoverydiariesorg.
There, like this podcast,you'll find additional stories,
videos and content about mentalhealth, empowerment and change.
We look forward to continuingto grow our community.
(01:00:18):
Thank you so much for being apart of it.
We wouldn't be here without you.
Be sure to join our mailinglist so you never miss a podcast
episode, essay or film.
I'm Gabe Nathan.
Until next time, take good care.
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