June 24, 2025 • 33 mins
What happens when a pastor's kid who's internalized the need for perfection faces real-life chaos? Victoria Bowers' story is one of struggle, surrender, and supernatural freedom that will resonate with anyone who's ever felt crushed by their own expectations.
Growing up homeschooled in a pastor's family, Victoria absorbed an unspoken message: be perfect. This mindset served her well initially—marrying young, creating an idyllic military family life, and experiencing an "easy" first baby seemed to confirm she was doing everything right. But when military deployments, relocations, and a challenging second child shattered her perfect bubble, Victoria found herself spiraling into anxiety and panic attacks.
The breaking point came during the early days of COVID-19. On her son's first birthday, Victoria's husband received an emergency call ordering him back to base immediately, leaving her alone with two small children amid worldwide uncertainty. In this moment of complete vulnerability, God used her father's simple wisdom to cut through the noise: "Anxiety is a spirit. What are you holding onto so tightly that you can't let God take control?"
This conversation reveals the powerful moment of surrender that followed—a prayer on her knees that led to immediate freedom from panic attacks that Victoria maintains to this day. Her journey illuminates how perfectionism often masks a deeper spiritual issue: a lack of trust in God's goodness and control.
"There's so much beauty in the mess," Victoria now shares from experience. "There's so much beauty when it's not perfect, and there's so much beauty in that hard season where God will show His glory." If you're struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or the weight of expectations, this episode offers a roadmap to the freedom that comes not through achieving perfection, but through surrendering our desire for it.
Listen now to discover how releasing control might be the very key to finding the peace you've been searching for all along. What might God be asking you to surrender today?
Join us for our conversation with Victoria about motherhood and letting go when mothers go to be with the Father.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Denise Jackson (00:01):
Well, girls, good morning to you.
I am so thankful to have mynext guest on Rooted and Rising
Growth from the Greenhouse.
I'm Denise Jackson.
I'm your host.
That just means I've livedthrough a lot of stuff, I think.
But today I have VictoriaBowers.
(00:22):
She is really a breath of freshair for my life.
Every time I talk to her and wetalk often because she's part
of the EASE Greenhouse team sheinvigorates my life.
God uses her so mightily, andso I'm so thankful that finally,
we have found a way to get thisconversation going for you to
(00:47):
be a part of.
So welcome, victoria Bowers.
Thank you for figuring out Zoom, so we could do this.
Victoria Bowers (00:56):
I'm so happy that I get to be here.
We've literally been talkingabout this forever, and if I
can't be there in person withyou, this is the next best thing
.
So I'm so happy that we get todo this now.
Denise Jackson (01:08):
I feel like it's like this opening the
floodgates, because there are somany friends out there that I
have that are not with me but dohave great stories of
redemption, of following Jesusand knowing that Abba Father is
their Father and loves them somuch, and the Holy Spirit giving
(01:31):
us power.
So I'm thankful.
I'm so thankful that we'redoing this and we're doing it at
the right time.
It's perfect timing.
So, to get started, I'm goingto ask you just to give us a
little overview of your younglife, because we know that there
(01:51):
are things in our young lifethat we go through, no matter
how great our family is, thatwill require healing and
forgiveness and just wisdom tocome from that.
We know that because we live inthe earth and the earth is not
perfect.
So take it away, victoria.
Victoria Bowers (02:13):
Yeah, I'm so excited too.
Yeah, I always joke I had suchan interesting childhood growing
up.
It was beautiful, unique, veryunique, beautiful, unique, very
unique, um, and I couldn't haveasked for a better childhood.
In so many ways and eventhrough the, the painful things
that I got to grow through, likehas positioned me for now.
(02:35):
But, um, I grew up I'm the onlygirl, three brothers, um, which
that itself is like.
I mean, I came right out thegate and God's like hey, she's
got to be a strong one.
No, it's great.
I love um to this day, like mybrothers are my best friend and
(02:55):
I tell my daughter, cause I havemy daughter and then two boys,
um, I'm like brothers areamazing.
Like I know you want a sister,but oh my goodness, brothers are
amazing.
I'm like brothers are amazing.
Like I know you want a sister,but oh my goodness, brothers are
amazing, and so.
But we were homeschooled and myparents were pastors.
We got to a lot of missions andjust in the US and got to.
(03:16):
All of our vacations were inlike a semi-truck as a family
and we were just getting totravel around and so so much is
just.
It was so beautiful because Igot to really experience God and
understand Holy spirit.
So young and um experiencedjust so much beauty of of
walking in his presence.
But then in my later years,with my teenage years, you know
(03:39):
um life happened and my parentsbegan to struggle and so, uh,
when I was, 19, my parents gotdivorced.
Denise Jackson (03:45):
They, they began to struggle with each other.
Yeah, my parents began tostruggle.
And so, when I was 19, myparents got divorced.
They began to struggle witheach other.
Victoria Bowers (03:49):
Yeah, they began to struggle with each
other and so you know, and it'seach.
It's so interesting as an adultand you know as your kid you
don't, you understand onlycertain parts of things.
And as an adult, kind ofworking through your own stuff
you look at your parents andyou're like, oh okay, like dad
struggled with this because ofthis from his childhood and mom
struggled with this because ofthis in their childhood, and
(04:10):
like God just gets to heal thosebroken places.
Denise Jackson (04:14):
And I love that.
So I just have to stop youright there, because I just love
that you understand at a reallyyoung age that you can forgive
those mistakes and still see allthe good that came into your
life too, and that wisdom comesfrom above, and so you know.
(04:37):
I'm just glad that you had thechance to learn that so early.
Victoria Bowers (04:40):
Yeah, for me it felt like it took a while.
Life.
Yeah, it's it, for me it took.
It felt like it took a while,but, uh, it, it really like it.
It did come early because, youknow, in the sense of um, god
just kind of showed me it waslike what if you could love your
dad and the maybe the way thathe never didn't receive the
father's love here on earth,well, you could just love him
(05:02):
Like you love your little kidshere on earth, well, you could
just love him Like you love yourlittle kids, and and um, and it
was the most healing self thingto myself is to just love.
You know, even like when mybrothers and I were going
through our own hurt with it oflike not saying I did it perfect
at all, but like what if youjust took a moment to just love
(05:23):
that person the way that God isjust loving them, you know, and
so, and just releasing thingsslowly and, like you know,
surrendering it more and more,because it was a really hard
thing as a pastor's kid I thinkanybody whoever was a pastor's
kid, I mean, I was a pastor'skid from before I was born, so
(05:44):
that was all I knew.
And then, when we became, whenI was a teenager, my dad decided
to focus on his business andhis ministry and that was when
we stepped away from himpastoring and you know, like the
enemy just loves to come in andsneak in, but in ways like that
, you know, and he wasstruggling at that time and but
(06:08):
you know, you look back andyou're like, okay, like God set
all of this up for me to learnthrough it and even the
struggles that I've had, becauseas a pastor, you still kind of
have this persona of like youneed to make sure that you're
well behaved as a little kid andyou need to.
You know it starts really youngand you need to make sure that
you know you're always dressedproperly and you don't backtalk,
(06:30):
and you know, and so like wewere, we were homeschooled, we
didn't have the outsideinfluences, we were good kids
and but as you get older, youkind of internalize that as
perfection and being perfect andstuff.
So um, which is a hard weightfor a kid to carry.
It is, it's a hard weight andyou know it happens.
So, without even thinking it,like I catch myself, yeah,
(06:53):
you're just like, oh, you'rebehaving, you're supposed to
listen and you know, even withmy kids I'll be like you know.
And then I'm like supposed tobe crazy, like kids are kind of
supposed to be like obedient,yes, and respectful, but like
it's okay for them to be alittle crazy too.
You know, god made them alittle unruly.
(07:14):
It's supposed to be a littlebit wild, yes, I agree.
Denise Jackson (07:21):
Individuality come out, yes, and bloom.
I love it when your kids arepainting, because they just
bloom so wildly.
They are so much fun.
Victoria Bowers (07:34):
That little girl, man Bella, is amazing and
they're so individual, like yes,and if I just like, let them
like okay, yeah, the things theycome up with I'm like you guys
are amazing to me.
Denise Jackson (07:48):
And they are.
I felt like that with my kids.
You know they would create andwe need to give space to our
kids to like.
Bella takes music lessons, butshe also needs a chance to just
create her own music, yes, andsee the value.
And now she knows how to usethe instrument.
(08:09):
But now she should just use itfor how she wants to make
herself happy, but also forpraising God, and I just think
that's something that you are sogood at letting your kids do,
and I was not as good at it, butmine did it anyway.
They were such strong spirits.
God knew who I needed to raise,because they're strong every
(08:32):
one of them and yours are strongbut they're getting that
support and it really is ablessing to see that.
Victoria Bowers (08:38):
It is.
It's so fun to be.
We were always like reallystrong to all my brothers and I
like we, we're big personalitiesand it's really fun at
Christmas because we areinsanely loud.
Yeah, I love it.
I love like, I love thecraziness, so it's super fun.
Not that it's always easy,because when you have so many
(09:01):
different things and your kidsare all being super loud and
you're like and I have tosometimes remind myself like
this is beautiful, this is howit's supposed to be, but it is,
it is really beautiful.
I do love it so much.
Denise Jackson (09:15):
Okay, so now I want you to go into a little bit
about when you and Nathan werefirst married and and just right
after your parents had gonethrough a divorce.
One of the things I wasthinking when we talked about
that was like you've had apretty strong marriage that you
followed, but then all of asudden it fell apart and then,
(09:37):
not very long after that, you'regoing into your own marriage.
What were your thoughts goingthrough that process?
Do you look back and say, say,wow, I'm glad we made it.
Or do you say, oh, my gosh,that was like exactly what I
needed.
Victoria Bowers (09:53):
I don't know you know it is interesting
because it was.
I always saw my parents as likesuch a pillar and I think most
people do, but they really were.
They always had their stuff,but, um, as a family, we were
just very connected and we werewith each other all the time,
you know, and um and so I.
I always I go back to myparents and apologize a lot
(10:15):
because I, literally I was veryyoung when I got married.
I fell in love very young and um, at like 18, and he joined the
Navy right out of high schooland I just like I knew I like
was going to marry himimmediately as create, like two
weeks after he graduated.
I was like two weeks intodating and I was like I'm going
to marry this kid and um, andthen he joined the Navy and the
(10:40):
following year I uh, we gotmarried and I followed him, but
it was not 19.
You were 19.
Got married, I followed him,but it was not 19.
You were 19.
I was 19 when we got engagedand I had just turned 20.
Um, so it was like, right aftermy 20th birthday, um and so uh,
but it was like my parents'divorce had just ended, it was
like, and so they were not onthe best of terms and I'm like I
(11:03):
go back and I'm like I'm sosorry I put you guys during that
.
Denise Jackson (11:06):
But I just I think it was right, it was right
.
Victoria Bowers (11:11):
We laugh about it now, um, cause they they've
healed so much in their friends,um and uh, but it was it, it.
I was just like I couldn't waitto start my own life.
I'm like, okay, I'm like we'regoing to, you know, go, we're
going to live in Virginia, causeI'm I'm from Ohio and we're
going to have this totally newlife and I can step away from
(11:32):
all of this craziness.
You know cause?
I'm, like everybody knows, I'mfrom a small town.
So, you know, we were pastorshere and, like everyone knows,
and now everything doesn't lookperfect anymore and I need to go
, I need to leave, and um, andmy, my family jumped.
They're like, yeah, you, youran.
I was like yeah, but it was forlove.
Denise Jackson (11:50):
Okay and no, no.
I think that was God's wisdomin you too, because you need to
start depending on one another.
And it's really hard to do thatwhen you're in the same town
with your parents.
Victoria Bowers (12:02):
Yeah, yeah, and it was.
It was such a healing time and,um, my husband and I look back
and it was just, it was soblissful because we got married
and then, like six months later,we were pregnant with our first
and um, and it we just we founda church family and we just for
me, it felt like renewing andjust something just totally
(12:24):
fresh and we were just in ourlittle bubble, like, and then we
had our sweet little baby girland I'm telling you she was an
angel.
I know I don't want to soundlike that mom, but she's, she's
typical firstborn Like.
She slept through the night atsix weeks and I was like, and I
remember, as I was like steppinginto motherhood and stepping
(12:45):
into just being a wife andeverything.
I'm like I am going to doeverything right, like I,
everything that I saw that wentwrong there, I am going to use
it as my guide of what not to doand and I'm going to just be
the most perfect mom, perfectwife and um, of course, and then
, when you know we're pregnant,I'm trying to do everything
right and um and it.
(13:06):
But in the back of my head I'mlike, oh, but what if I?
What if I make these mistakes?
What if I don't, you know,don't follow up and I don't want
to hurt this kid.
And, um, right, and I'm likehow do I parents, you know, and,
in a way that you know,honoring the things that I did
have but, like you know, notbringing in some of that hurt?
(13:28):
So I felt and I didn't reallyvoice it to my husband at the
time because he had such adifferent childhood, but I still
was carrying so much of thatand I don't think I had even
really acknowledged it to myself.
But then she came and it wassuch bliss, like we had our best
friends and we just, you know,had our little.
He was in the Navy and we justhad our church and we.
(13:50):
She was just like the easiestlittle baby ever and she's so
happy all the time and sonursing, all of the things just
came really easy.
And I remember thinking tomyself I was like I don't know
who complains, why peoplecomplain about motherhood, like
I'm a great mom, don't know whocomplains, why people complain
about motherhood, like I'm agreat mom okay, you are, but I'm
(14:11):
laughing because, yes, we did.
I really I like God needed to belike okay he gave us.
Denise Jackson (14:18):
I'm thankful for that season because my first
was really easy too and umprobably thought some of those
thoughts and I was younger than,but it was a blessing to have
that little season.
Victoria Bowers (14:32):
It gives you the confidence.
Speaking of our baby, I wasgoing to say I have one right
here.
Did you want to say hi?
Is it Emmett?
It's Levi, levi, the baby.
For everyone who doesn't know,do you want to say hi, hi?
Denise Jackson (14:48):
Levi.
Hi, I just have to say in thislittle interim, while y'all are
loving on each other, that thiswas such the best season of my
life was being a mom to my fourchildren.
It was so much fun.
I mean, I love my life now.
(15:08):
Every season has been great,but I cannot tell you how much
fun I had being the mom of fourlittle babies and I want you
little friend to be blessed withtime to enjoy it, even though
there's going to be hard moments, but it is the best time.
So you just feel free to letthose babies come.
Victoria Bowers (15:29):
Okay, I'm glad because they probably will pop
in.
Denise Jackson (15:32):
Okay, that's okay okay, so talk to me about
um, now, like after that, likelike little perfect season.
Uh, you told me that Nathan uhgot deployed yeah, so that was
he had done.
Victoria Bowers (15:47):
Uh, actually two it was.
That was like it was a perfectlittle bubble and then all of a
sudden it it wasn't because hewas so he got deployed for six
months and then he got to comehome on Christmas Eve, which was
like so magical, literally itwas beautiful and that wasn't
too hard and then but he got tocome to.
(16:10):
Then he was home for six months.
We thought he was going to behome for a really long time and
then, um, we found out, oh no,they're sending him back back
out and this time he's going toJapan for 11 months and because
he was just under that year, weweren't allowed to go with him.
And, um, his ship was actuallymoving ports and it was going to
be in a new location.
So after a lot of conversationand praying and stuff, he was
(16:33):
like I think it's best that youmove back home.
I'll just plan on getting outafter this.
And you know, you go back hometo family.
So we sold our house and I tookBella and she was two at the
time and we, we went back homeand being apart that long was so
hard and cause he is such ahe's, he's very different than
(16:57):
like how my family is and he'sjust he we're.
We're all loud and voices.
He's quiet, but just a verystrong quiet and just has always
been this like presence for me.
My brothers joke all the time.
They're like oh, you are just.
Thank you for our sister Causehe's always just been this
calming presence for me, and youknow, god just set that up so
(17:21):
beautifully for us.
But you know, so then goingthrough all that time of not
having it, being back at withfamily and and kind of having
God really kind of put it in myface of like, OK, now you get to
deal with this stuff, and soeverything didn't feel perfect
anymore.
You know, everything was thisperfect little bubble and
everything felt so easy.
And then he called me and hewas like, hey, I've got into
(17:45):
this program, I can do, I canfinish my degree, but I'm going
to have to reenlist for threemore years.
And so I was like I've moved,we've sold the house, we've done
everything.
And he's like, yeah, well,we've come back to Virginia.
So I was like, okay, I'm goingto be supportive wife, go ahead,
that's fine.
(18:06):
So then we moved back and thenwe got pregnant with our second,
and so I it things weredifferent, you know, we weren't
in the same circles that we had,and just everything felt
different when we moved back andI was like, I don't like this,
but, you know, trying to getback on track.
And then my second came along,and it was a boy this time and
(18:26):
we were so excited.
But everything could not bemore different this time along.
So my, my, uh, oldest, she waslike preschool age and she's
trying to be so helpful but now,all of a sudden, she, for the
first time ever, is like havingan attitude and upset with me
and I'm like what is happening?
(18:46):
And it's just so much changehad happened for her.
And you know, my, my new baby,he's not wanting to nurse, he's
not sleeping.
Denise Jackson (19:00):
That is the fastest way to like insanity.
Victoria Bowers (19:08):
So you're dealing with this thing inside
of you that said, everythingneeds to be perfect, so it
wasn't, no, how?
Denise Jackson (19:15):
were you responding.
Victoria Bowers (19:17):
It felt like total mayhem and like you maybe
were a failure.
At that time it was I, I, justI.
It came out you know where Iand kind of in bitterness
towards my husband because hewas doing night school, and so I
just felt like I was doing thisall alone and um, and then I
started having panic attacks andit was like the first time I
had ever really experienced likefull panic attacks and um, I
(19:41):
think, like, looking back, I'mlike, oh, I've I've always had
this anxiety around beingperfect and measuring up, but
but never to the point of likehaving all of these panic
attacks and stuff and and so, um, so it just I just felt like a
basket case.
I was like I didn't even Ireally withdrew, I didn't want
to really hang out with friends.
(20:02):
Um, I had like one friend that Iwas you know she was, she was
in the same exact season, we hadour boys the exact same time,
but we both kind of like pulledback from each other even.
And then, when we finally cametogether, we're like, oh, we're
both going through the samething, um and so, but I was just
, I was so angry and stressedand the harder I would strive,
the more everything just feltlike that ball unraveling and um
(20:26):
and then like to top it all off, stop it all off.
Covid happened, and so we wewent back home to Ohio um to
celebrate Levi's first birthdayand we um were, I remember, like
school started shutting downand we're like this is really
weird, what is?
(20:46):
this and my husband called andhe was like hey, I got approved
to go home, am I still good?
And they're like yeah, you'refine.
And so we drove home with twobabies and we got into Ohio and
the next morning he woke up.
I'll never forget this as longas I live.
And it was Emmett's firstbirthday and we woke up.
We were at his parents' houseand we were planning the
(21:08):
birthday party and we were.
He was getting ready to go getthe cake with his mom and all of
his aunts and my family wascoming over to his parents'
house to celebrate Emmett.
And he gets a phone call fromthe military, as they do, and
they're like where are you?
And um, and he was.
He, uh, was like I'm in Ohio.
(21:29):
What do you mean?
Yeah, babe, okay.
Denise Jackson (21:33):
Okay.
Victoria Bowers (21:39):
Let me take it, sissy, give me just a sec, I'm
going to.
So tell us what happened.
So, yeah, so they call andthey're like where are you?
And he's like I'm in Ohio, it'smy son's first birthday.
No-transcript.
And um, and they're like youneed to come home now.
(22:03):
You need to come back.
Like we don't know what'shappening.
It felt like the world was athing, um, in that moment.
And um, they're like everythingis shutting down.
We're going to quarantineeverybody on a base.
And he's like do our familiescoming?
Like should I?
And they're like you need toleave your family in Ohio.
And it was so scary because weliterally had no idea what was
(22:27):
going to happen.
And I'm crying, my husband'scrying, which I've rarely ever
seen, cause what's?
Yeah, you know what is this?
Denise Jackson (22:34):
It's one of those tough seen because, yes,
what's?
Yeah, you know what is this?
Right, it's one of those toughguys.
Yeah, we're like.
What does this mean?
Victoria Bowers (22:40):
um, his parents are crying and cancel the party
, obviously, and so oh, no, poorlittle, I know, I felt so bad,
oh my gosh it was.
It was just like, hey, theemergency is happening, um, and
so we like saying happy birthday, and he blew out his candle and
then Nathan had to leave, um,and so that moment there I was
(23:02):
like, okay, well, what do I do,you know and I don't know what
everyone remembers, especially,I think, cause we were in
military Like I was hearing somany different things like
they're going to short, shutdown state lines, and then I'm
like what does this mean?
Like should I go home and be bymyself in Virginia?
And so I just I could not.
(23:22):
I've had the worst panicattacks I've ever had and my
birthday is a couple of daysafter Emmett's birthday, so it
was like my birthday.
I ended up driving to go see mydad, cause I was just like I
need to, I need to go see my dad, and my uh, my dad lives a few
cities over uh or a few townsover from uh where we were, and
(23:47):
um, he lives on a big horseranch and I was like I just need
to go see my dad, I need todress, distract myself.
We'll go ride some horses,something, I need, I need
something.
And um, and I just it wasexactly like what I needed,
because I got there and I'm justcrying and I'm having like
horrible panic attacks.
I'm trying to hide it Cause Idon't want anybody to see that
I'm just like struggling as badas I am.
And my younger brother comes inand he is still living at home
(24:09):
and he can't.
He catches me in the middle ofa panic attack and he just comes
over and he hugs me and he'slike what's wrong?
And I'm just like it just feelslike everything is falling
apart.
It feels like everything thatcould go wrong, like so much
uncertainty, you know.
And he was like I think youneed to go talk to dad.
So I went out to living roomonce everything was over and I
(24:29):
started talking to my dad andI'm just crying and I'm like
what does this mean, you know?
And I'm just telling him, I'mlike this has been the hardest
year of my life.
Like you know, I've always feltlike a good mom, but now I
don't and I'm just mad all thetime and um, and I remember him
looking at me and he was justlike baby girl.
Denise Jackson (24:50):
You already know girl, you already know anxiety
is a spirit, and I did.
I knew that One of the thingsthat I feel like God was just
showing me while you werespeaking is it was the spirit of
perfectionism that opened thedoor to that anxiety.
(25:11):
Yeah, so you were alreadydealing with a full on attack of
the enemy, and I can see nowwhy.
Because, man, you are mighty inthe land, you are mighty
Victoria, and so he's alwaysgoing to be coming after the
daughters that are like going tocause him issues and he should
be afraid, and we are not,especially when we know.
(25:33):
So praise God for thisconversation already, because we
are exposing to the light thesespirits that really can cause
us to just crumble if we don'tunderstand that we have power
over them.
Okay, continue.
Victoria Bowers (25:53):
No, you're so right, and that was what you
know.
It's like I, sometimes it'slike we know it with our brain,
but you know, like actuallyknowing it in our heart.
And when he said it, it waslike with the most loving, but
like you already know this, andI was like, and it was just, you
know, it was like just what Ineed, like a dad you know my dad
to be like like you know this.
And and I was like, and he goes, you know what are you holding
(26:18):
on to so tightly that you can'tlet God take control?
And when I, when he said that Iwas like everything, like my
schedule, my like perfection, my, you know getting everything
right, like don't want to get itwrong, and I was holding
everything so tight and I knewwhen, cause, when he said that
I'm like, oh, I have known this.
I just didn't want to give himthe control.
(26:39):
I didn't want to be in a placethat I felt vulnerable enough to
be like, okay, like mistakes,everything being you know, being
like not being perfect, I'mgoing to, I'm going to just be
wrong.
And so I was just when I like I, when he said, I just imagined
(27:03):
myself like warning everythingand um, and he's like you know I
mean even our kids, you know,and, and who they?
They're gods, you know.
So like, oh my gosh, just likelove me.
And I don't want to mess up,and like I don, I don't you know
.
And so I was just holdingeverything so closely that I
wasn't trusting God with any ofit.
And so he was like that I juststart really crying and um,
(27:25):
which is funny, because like mydad's a big cowboy and he's just
like, and he's just like givesme the biggest hug and he's just
I don't.
I'm not normally like a big,but so I was in a place to be
like really crying and he wasjust like daddy.
Denise Jackson (27:38):
I love that and we need our daddy.
We do need our daddy Really,but it's so nice to have those
arms around us from our fathers.
Victoria Bowers (27:47):
It is, it is and it's like, and just the
representation of like heck, theonly father you know,
representation of like heck, theonly father you know.
And so, and he just gives me ahug and he was like you know,
you just need to surrender it toGod.
And so I walked away from thatconversation and, um, I went
downstairs to the room I wasstaying in and I just I got on
(28:08):
my knees and I said, god, I amso sorry.
I am so sorry that I have heldonto everything so tightly.
I'm so sorry that I haven'ttrusted you.
I'm so sorry that I've beentrying to control everything,
including thinking my way wasbetter than your way.
And I said I know you can takethis anxiety away from me and I
(28:32):
am telling you right now take itaway.
I'm going to trust you witheverything and I never want to
have another panic attack again.
God don't let me everexperience it.
I promise I will give youcontrol of everything,
everything.
Denise Jackson (28:45):
Don't let me have a panic attack again.
Victoria Bowers (28:47):
I don't want to be the shell of a person.
I don't want to live like thisand I'm telling you, I never I
have not had a panic attacksince that's awesome to live
like this, and I'm telling you,I never I have not had a panic
attack, since that's awesome andso yeah.
Denise Jackson (29:01):
So, like, so much truth has come out of this
conversation, and this is we'regoing to have more you and I are
going to have one coming upsoon about motherhood and
mothers and how we let go ofmothers when they go to be a
father, and I'm looking forwardto that conversation too.
But today I feel like we haveexposed things to the light that
(29:22):
are major and like, even atthis moment, I'm thinking of
people I want to send this videoto, just so that they can share
in the conversation.
So, thank you, victoria, somuch for being here.
Victoria Bowers (29:48):
So thank you, victoria, so much for being here
.
Do you have any words of wisdomto share with those people that
maybe are going through exactlythe up?
Still, you know, and thebiggest thing that I am taught
over and over and over, when Ifind myself in a place of
striving or find myself in aplace of like trying to control,
is like there's so much beautyin the mess, there's so much
(30:09):
beauty when it's not perfect andthere's so much beauty in that
hard season that God will, likeshow his glory.
And so the biggest thing,whenever something happens and
it just feels and I have thosefeelings come up inside me, I'm
like, okay, god, what do youwant me to learn?
What do you want me to show?
(30:31):
Or how do I get to grow?
Maybe it's I just get to bequiet and sit with you, or maybe
I just need to be like okay,god, I know you're going to show
me a miracle here.
You know whether it's that babysleeping through the night or
just cherishing those sleeplessnights as heart and I know I'm
kind of I'm still have a littleone who doesn't sleep great.
(30:51):
So I I not coming from like aplace of being like so far
removed from that, but beinglike, oh God, thank you for
these beautiful babies, as hardas I can be sometimes, like
thank you the fact that I get tobe their mama, and it's okay
that it doesn't look how I wantit to look, cause there's a
purpose for it all becausethere's a purpose for it all.
Denise Jackson (31:14):
Praise God, okay , well, girls, I'm going to end
us with a prayer.
So, father God, we just thankyou for ordering our steps this
morning, for making our wordsand our meditations pleasing to
you, for showing us things thatoften we can't see in the middle
(31:38):
of the struggle, the spiritsthat are trying to come against
us.
I just praise you that youopened Victoria's eyes with her
daddy not only his hugs but hiswords to open her eyes to that
attack that she was under, asthe whole world was under an
attack.
Father, I thank you that shecame out stronger, that she's
(32:01):
mighty in the land and thatthese women who have been
listening are experiencingfreedom from this spirit of
perfectionism and the spirit ofanxiety that accompanies it.
In the name of Jesus, we bindit and we loose love and peace
and joy on women today.
(32:22):
In your name, jesus, amen.
Well, girls, good morning to you.
I am so thankful to have mynext guest on Rooted and Rising
Growth from the Greenhouse.
I'm Denise Jackson.
I'm your host.
That just means I've livedthrough a lot of stuff, I think.
But today I have VictoriaBowers.
(00:22):
She is really a breath of freshair for my life.
Every time I talk to her and wetalk often because she's part
of the EASE Greenhouse team sheinvigorates my life.
God uses her so mightily, andso I'm so thankful that finally,
we have found a way to get thisconversation going for you to
(00:47):
be a part of.
So welcome, victoria Bowers.
Thank you for figuring out Zoom, so we could do this.
Victoria Bowers (00:56):
I'm so happy that I get to be here.
We've literally been talkingabout this forever, and if I
can't be there in person withyou, this is the next best thing
.
So I'm so happy that we get todo this now.
Denise Jackson (01:08):
I feel like it's like this opening the
floodgates, because there are somany friends out there that I
have that are not with me but dohave great stories of
redemption, of following Jesusand knowing that Abba Father is
their Father and loves them somuch, and the Holy Spirit giving
(01:31):
us power.
So I'm thankful.
I'm so thankful that we'redoing this and we're doing it at
the right time.
It's perfect timing.
So, to get started, I'm goingto ask you just to give us a
little overview of your younglife, because we know that there
(01:51):
are things in our young lifethat we go through, no matter
how great our family is, thatwill require healing and
forgiveness and just wisdom tocome from that.
We know that because we live inthe earth and the earth is not
perfect.
So take it away, victoria.
Victoria Bowers (02:13):
Yeah, I'm so excited too.
Yeah, I always joke I had suchan interesting childhood growing
up.
It was beautiful, unique, veryunique, beautiful, unique, very
unique, um, and I couldn't haveasked for a better childhood.
In so many ways and eventhrough the, the painful things
that I got to grow through, likehas positioned me for now.
(02:35):
But, um, I grew up I'm the onlygirl, three brothers, um, which
that itself is like.
I mean, I came right out thegate and God's like hey, she's
got to be a strong one.
No, it's great.
I love um to this day, like mybrothers are my best friend and
(02:55):
I tell my daughter, cause I havemy daughter and then two boys,
um, I'm like brothers areamazing.
Like I know you want a sister,but oh my goodness, brothers are
amazing.
I'm like brothers are amazing.
Like I know you want a sister,but oh my goodness, brothers are
amazing, and so.
But we were homeschooled and myparents were pastors.
We got to a lot of missions andjust in the US and got to.
(03:16):
All of our vacations were inlike a semi-truck as a family
and we were just getting totravel around and so so much is
just.
It was so beautiful because Igot to really experience God and
understand Holy spirit.
So young and um experiencedjust so much beauty of of
walking in his presence.
But then in my later years,with my teenage years, you know
(03:39):
um life happened and my parentsbegan to struggle and so, uh,
when I was, 19, my parents gotdivorced.
Denise Jackson (03:45):
They, they began to struggle with each other.
Yeah, my parents began tostruggle.
And so, when I was 19, myparents got divorced.
They began to struggle witheach other.
Victoria Bowers (03:49):
Yeah, they began to struggle with each
other and so you know, and it'seach.
It's so interesting as an adultand you know as your kid you
don't, you understand onlycertain parts of things.
And as an adult, kind ofworking through your own stuff
you look at your parents andyou're like, oh okay, like dad
struggled with this because ofthis from his childhood and mom
struggled with this because ofthis in their childhood, and
(04:10):
like God just gets to heal thosebroken places.
Denise Jackson (04:14):
And I love that.
So I just have to stop youright there, because I just love
that you understand at a reallyyoung age that you can forgive
those mistakes and still see allthe good that came into your
life too, and that wisdom comesfrom above, and so you know.
(04:37):
I'm just glad that you had thechance to learn that so early.
Victoria Bowers (04:40):
Yeah, for me it felt like it took a while.
Life.
Yeah, it's it, for me it took.
It felt like it took a while,but, uh, it, it really like it.
It did come early because, youknow, in the sense of um, god
just kind of showed me it waslike what if you could love your
dad and the maybe the way thathe never didn't receive the
father's love here on earth,well, you could just love him
(05:02):
Like you love your little kidshere on earth, well, you could
just love him Like you love yourlittle kids, and and um, and it
was the most healing self thingto myself is to just love.
You know, even like when mybrothers and I were going
through our own hurt with it oflike not saying I did it perfect
at all, but like what if youjust took a moment to just love
(05:23):
that person the way that God isjust loving them, you know, and
so, and just releasing thingsslowly and, like you know,
surrendering it more and more,because it was a really hard
thing as a pastor's kid I thinkanybody whoever was a pastor's
kid, I mean, I was a pastor'skid from before I was born, so
(05:44):
that was all I knew.
And then, when we became, whenI was a teenager, my dad decided
to focus on his business andhis ministry and that was when
we stepped away from himpastoring and you know, like the
enemy just loves to come in andsneak in, but in ways like that
, you know, and he wasstruggling at that time and but
(06:08):
you know, you look back andyou're like, okay, like God set
all of this up for me to learnthrough it and even the
struggles that I've had, becauseas a pastor, you still kind of
have this persona of like youneed to make sure that you're
well behaved as a little kid andyou need to.
You know it starts really youngand you need to make sure that
you know you're always dressedproperly and you don't backtalk,
(06:30):
and you know, and so like wewere, we were homeschooled, we
didn't have the outsideinfluences, we were good kids
and but as you get older, youkind of internalize that as
perfection and being perfect andstuff.
So um, which is a hard weightfor a kid to carry.
It is, it's a hard weight andyou know it happens.
So, without even thinking it,like I catch myself, yeah,
(06:53):
you're just like, oh, you'rebehaving, you're supposed to
listen and you know, even withmy kids I'll be like you know.
And then I'm like supposed tobe crazy, like kids are kind of
supposed to be like obedient,yes, and respectful, but like
it's okay for them to be alittle crazy too.
You know, god made them alittle unruly.
(07:14):
It's supposed to be a littlebit wild, yes, I agree.
Denise Jackson (07:21):
Individuality come out, yes, and bloom.
I love it when your kids arepainting, because they just
bloom so wildly.
They are so much fun.
Victoria Bowers (07:34):
That little girl, man Bella, is amazing and
they're so individual, like yes,and if I just like, let them
like okay, yeah, the things theycome up with I'm like you guys
are amazing to me.
Denise Jackson (07:48):
And they are.
I felt like that with my kids.
You know they would create andwe need to give space to our
kids to like.
Bella takes music lessons, butshe also needs a chance to just
create her own music, yes, andsee the value.
And now she knows how to usethe instrument.
(08:09):
But now she should just use itfor how she wants to make
herself happy, but also forpraising God, and I just think
that's something that you are sogood at letting your kids do,
and I was not as good at it, butmine did it anyway.
They were such strong spirits.
God knew who I needed to raise,because they're strong every
(08:32):
one of them and yours are strongbut they're getting that
support and it really is ablessing to see that.
Victoria Bowers (08:38):
It is.
It's so fun to be.
We were always like reallystrong to all my brothers and I
like we, we're big personalitiesand it's really fun at
Christmas because we areinsanely loud.
Yeah, I love it.
I love like, I love thecraziness, so it's super fun.
Not that it's always easy,because when you have so many
(09:01):
different things and your kidsare all being super loud and
you're like and I have tosometimes remind myself like
this is beautiful, this is howit's supposed to be, but it is,
it is really beautiful.
I do love it so much.
Denise Jackson (09:15):
Okay, so now I want you to go into a little bit
about when you and Nathan werefirst married and and just right
after your parents had gonethrough a divorce.
One of the things I wasthinking when we talked about
that was like you've had apretty strong marriage that you
followed, but then all of asudden it fell apart and then,
(09:37):
not very long after that, you'regoing into your own marriage.
What were your thoughts goingthrough that process?
Do you look back and say, say,wow, I'm glad we made it.
Or do you say, oh, my gosh,that was like exactly what I
needed.
Victoria Bowers (09:53):
I don't know you know it is interesting
because it was.
I always saw my parents as likesuch a pillar and I think most
people do, but they really were.
They always had their stuff,but, um, as a family, we were
just very connected and we werewith each other all the time,
you know, and um and so I.
I always I go back to myparents and apologize a lot
(10:15):
because I, literally I was veryyoung when I got married.
I fell in love very young and um, at like 18, and he joined the
Navy right out of high schooland I just like I knew I like
was going to marry himimmediately as create, like two
weeks after he graduated.
I was like two weeks intodating and I was like I'm going
to marry this kid and um, andthen he joined the Navy and the
(10:40):
following year I uh, we gotmarried and I followed him, but
it was not 19.
You were 19.
Got married, I followed him,but it was not 19.
You were 19.
I was 19 when we got engagedand I had just turned 20.
Um, so it was like, right aftermy 20th birthday, um and so uh,
but it was like my parents'divorce had just ended, it was
like, and so they were not onthe best of terms and I'm like I
(11:03):
go back and I'm like I'm sosorry I put you guys during that
.
Denise Jackson (11:06):
But I just I think it was right, it was right
.
Victoria Bowers (11:11):
We laugh about it now, um, cause they they've
healed so much in their friends,um and uh, but it was it, it.
I was just like I couldn't waitto start my own life.
I'm like, okay, I'm like we'regoing to, you know, go, we're
going to live in Virginia, causeI'm I'm from Ohio and we're
going to have this totally newlife and I can step away from
(11:32):
all of this craziness.
You know cause?
I'm, like everybody knows, I'mfrom a small town.
So, you know, we were pastorshere and, like everyone knows,
and now everything doesn't lookperfect anymore and I need to go
, I need to leave, and um, andmy, my family jumped.
They're like, yeah, you, youran.
I was like yeah, but it was forlove.
Denise Jackson (11:50):
Okay and no, no.
I think that was God's wisdomin you too, because you need to
start depending on one another.
And it's really hard to do thatwhen you're in the same town
with your parents.
Victoria Bowers (12:02):
Yeah, yeah, and it was.
It was such a healing time and,um, my husband and I look back
and it was just, it was soblissful because we got married
and then, like six months later,we were pregnant with our first
and um, and it we just we founda church family and we just for
me, it felt like renewing andjust something just totally
(12:24):
fresh and we were just in ourlittle bubble, like, and then we
had our sweet little baby girland I'm telling you she was an
angel.
I know I don't want to soundlike that mom, but she's, she's
typical firstborn Like.
She slept through the night atsix weeks and I was like, and I
remember, as I was like steppinginto motherhood and stepping
(12:45):
into just being a wife andeverything.
I'm like I am going to doeverything right, like I,
everything that I saw that wentwrong there, I am going to use
it as my guide of what not to doand and I'm going to just be
the most perfect mom, perfectwife and um, of course, and then
, when you know we're pregnant,I'm trying to do everything
right and um and it.
(13:06):
But in the back of my head I'mlike, oh, but what if I?
What if I make these mistakes?
What if I don't, you know,don't follow up and I don't want
to hurt this kid.
And, um, right, and I'm likehow do I parents, you know, and,
in a way that you know,honoring the things that I did
have but, like you know, notbringing in some of that hurt?
(13:28):
So I felt and I didn't reallyvoice it to my husband at the
time because he had such adifferent childhood, but I still
was carrying so much of thatand I don't think I had even
really acknowledged it to myself.
But then she came and it wassuch bliss, like we had our best
friends and we just, you know,had our little.
He was in the Navy and we justhad our church and we.
(13:50):
She was just like the easiestlittle baby ever and she's so
happy all the time and sonursing, all of the things just
came really easy.
And I remember thinking tomyself I was like I don't know
who complains, why peoplecomplain about motherhood, like
I'm a great mom, don't know whocomplains, why people complain
about motherhood, like I'm agreat mom okay, you are, but I'm
(14:11):
laughing because, yes, we did.
I really I like God needed to belike okay he gave us.
Denise Jackson (14:18):
I'm thankful for that season because my first
was really easy too and umprobably thought some of those
thoughts and I was younger than,but it was a blessing to have
that little season.
Victoria Bowers (14:32):
It gives you the confidence.
Speaking of our baby, I wasgoing to say I have one right
here.
Did you want to say hi?
Is it Emmett?
It's Levi, levi, the baby.
For everyone who doesn't know,do you want to say hi, hi?
Denise Jackson (14:48):
Levi.
Hi, I just have to say in thislittle interim, while y'all are
loving on each other, that thiswas such the best season of my
life was being a mom to my fourchildren.
It was so much fun.
I mean, I love my life now.
(15:08):
Every season has been great,but I cannot tell you how much
fun I had being the mom of fourlittle babies and I want you
little friend to be blessed withtime to enjoy it, even though
there's going to be hard moments, but it is the best time.
So you just feel free to letthose babies come.
Victoria Bowers (15:29):
Okay, I'm glad because they probably will pop
in.
Denise Jackson (15:32):
Okay, that's okay okay, so talk to me about
um, now, like after that, likelike little perfect season.
Uh, you told me that Nathan uhgot deployed yeah, so that was
he had done.
Victoria Bowers (15:47):
Uh, actually two it was.
That was like it was a perfectlittle bubble and then all of a
sudden it it wasn't because hewas so he got deployed for six
months and then he got to comehome on Christmas Eve, which was
like so magical, literally itwas beautiful and that wasn't
too hard and then but he got tocome to.
(16:10):
Then he was home for six months.
We thought he was going to behome for a really long time and
then, um, we found out, oh no,they're sending him back back
out and this time he's going toJapan for 11 months and because
he was just under that year, weweren't allowed to go with him.
And, um, his ship was actuallymoving ports and it was going to
be in a new location.
So after a lot of conversationand praying and stuff, he was
(16:33):
like I think it's best that youmove back home.
I'll just plan on getting outafter this.
And you know, you go back hometo family.
So we sold our house and I tookBella and she was two at the
time and we, we went back homeand being apart that long was so
hard and cause he is such ahe's, he's very different than
(16:57):
like how my family is and he'sjust he we're.
We're all loud and voices.
He's quiet, but just a verystrong quiet and just has always
been this like presence for me.
My brothers joke all the time.
They're like oh, you are just.
Thank you for our sister Causehe's always just been this
calming presence for me, and youknow, god just set that up so
(17:21):
beautifully for us.
But you know, so then goingthrough all that time of not
having it, being back at withfamily and and kind of having
God really kind of put it in myface of like, OK, now you get to
deal with this stuff, and soeverything didn't feel perfect
anymore.
You know, everything was thisperfect little bubble and
everything felt so easy.
And then he called me and hewas like, hey, I've got into
(17:45):
this program, I can do, I canfinish my degree, but I'm going
to have to reenlist for threemore years.
And so I was like I've moved,we've sold the house, we've done
everything.
And he's like, yeah, well,we've come back to Virginia.
So I was like, okay, I'm goingto be supportive wife, go ahead,
that's fine.
(18:06):
So then we moved back and thenwe got pregnant with our second,
and so I it things weredifferent, you know, we weren't
in the same circles that we had,and just everything felt
different when we moved back andI was like, I don't like this,
but, you know, trying to getback on track.
And then my second came along,and it was a boy this time and
(18:26):
we were so excited.
But everything could not bemore different this time along.
So my, my, uh, oldest, she waslike preschool age and she's
trying to be so helpful but now,all of a sudden, she, for the
first time ever, is like havingan attitude and upset with me
and I'm like what is happening?
(18:46):
And it's just so much changehad happened for her.
And you know, my, my new baby,he's not wanting to nurse, he's
not sleeping.
Denise Jackson (19:00):
That is the fastest way to like insanity.
Victoria Bowers (19:08):
So you're dealing with this thing inside
of you that said, everythingneeds to be perfect, so it
wasn't, no, how?
Denise Jackson (19:15):
were you responding.
Victoria Bowers (19:17):
It felt like total mayhem and like you maybe
were a failure.
At that time it was I, I, justI.
It came out you know where Iand kind of in bitterness
towards my husband because hewas doing night school, and so I
just felt like I was doing thisall alone and um, and then I
started having panic attacks andit was like the first time I
had ever really experienced likefull panic attacks and um, I
(19:41):
think, like, looking back, I'mlike, oh, I've I've always had
this anxiety around beingperfect and measuring up, but
but never to the point of likehaving all of these panic
attacks and stuff and and so, um, so it just I just felt like a
basket case.
I was like I didn't even Ireally withdrew, I didn't want
to really hang out with friends.
(20:02):
Um, I had like one friend that Iwas you know she was, she was
in the same exact season, we hadour boys the exact same time,
but we both kind of like pulledback from each other even.
And then, when we finally cametogether, we're like, oh, we're
both going through the samething, um and so, but I was just
, I was so angry and stressedand the harder I would strive,
the more everything just feltlike that ball unraveling and um
(20:26):
and then like to top it all off, stop it all off.
Covid happened, and so we wewent back home to Ohio um to
celebrate Levi's first birthdayand we um were, I remember, like
school started shutting downand we're like this is really
weird, what is?
(20:46):
this and my husband called andhe was like hey, I got approved
to go home, am I still good?
And they're like yeah, you'refine.
And so we drove home with twobabies and we got into Ohio and
the next morning he woke up.
I'll never forget this as longas I live.
And it was Emmett's firstbirthday and we woke up.
We were at his parents' houseand we were planning the
(21:08):
birthday party and we were.
He was getting ready to go getthe cake with his mom and all of
his aunts and my family wascoming over to his parents'
house to celebrate Emmett.
And he gets a phone call fromthe military, as they do, and
they're like where are you?
And um, and he was.
He, uh, was like I'm in Ohio.
(21:29):
What do you mean?
Yeah, babe, okay.
Denise Jackson (21:33):
Okay.
Victoria Bowers (21:39):
Let me take it, sissy, give me just a sec, I'm
going to.
So tell us what happened.
So, yeah, so they call andthey're like where are you?
And he's like I'm in Ohio, it'smy son's first birthday.
No-transcript.
And um, and they're like youneed to come home now.
(22:03):
You need to come back.
Like we don't know what'shappening.
It felt like the world was athing, um, in that moment.
And um, they're like everythingis shutting down.
We're going to quarantineeverybody on a base.
And he's like do our familiescoming?
Like should I?
And they're like you need toleave your family in Ohio.
And it was so scary because weliterally had no idea what was
(22:27):
going to happen.
And I'm crying, my husband'scrying, which I've rarely ever
seen, cause what's?
Yeah, you know what is this?
Denise Jackson (22:34):
It's one of those tough seen because, yes,
what's?
Yeah, you know what is this?
Right, it's one of those toughguys.
Yeah, we're like.
What does this mean?
Victoria Bowers (22:40):
um, his parents are crying and cancel the party
, obviously, and so oh, no, poorlittle, I know, I felt so bad,
oh my gosh it was.
It was just like, hey, theemergency is happening, um, and
so we like saying happy birthday, and he blew out his candle and
then Nathan had to leave, um,and so that moment there I was
(23:02):
like, okay, well, what do I do,you know and I don't know what
everyone remembers, especially,I think, cause we were in
military Like I was hearing somany different things like
they're going to short, shutdown state lines, and then I'm
like what does this mean?
Like should I go home and be bymyself in Virginia?
And so I just I could not.
(23:22):
I've had the worst panicattacks I've ever had and my
birthday is a couple of daysafter Emmett's birthday, so it
was like my birthday.
I ended up driving to go see mydad, cause I was just like I
need to, I need to go see my dad, and my uh, my dad lives a few
cities over uh or a few townsover from uh where we were, and
(23:47):
um, he lives on a big horseranch and I was like I just need
to go see my dad, I need todress, distract myself.
We'll go ride some horses,something, I need, I need
something.
And um, and I just it wasexactly like what I needed,
because I got there and I'm justcrying and I'm having like
horrible panic attacks.
I'm trying to hide it Cause Idon't want anybody to see that
I'm just like struggling as badas I am.
And my younger brother comes inand he is still living at home
(24:09):
and he can't.
He catches me in the middle ofa panic attack and he just comes
over and he hugs me and he'slike what's wrong?
And I'm just like it just feelslike everything is falling
apart.
It feels like everything thatcould go wrong, like so much
uncertainty, you know.
And he was like I think youneed to go talk to dad.
So I went out to living roomonce everything was over and I
(24:29):
started talking to my dad andI'm just crying and I'm like
what does this mean, you know?
And I'm just telling him, I'mlike this has been the hardest
year of my life.
Like you know, I've always feltlike a good mom, but now I
don't and I'm just mad all thetime and um, and I remember him
looking at me and he was justlike baby girl.
Denise Jackson (24:50):
You already know girl, you already know anxiety
is a spirit, and I did.
I knew that One of the thingsthat I feel like God was just
showing me while you werespeaking is it was the spirit of
perfectionism that opened thedoor to that anxiety.
(25:11):
Yeah, so you were alreadydealing with a full on attack of
the enemy, and I can see nowwhy.
Because, man, you are mighty inthe land, you are mighty
Victoria, and so he's alwaysgoing to be coming after the
daughters that are like going tocause him issues and he should
be afraid, and we are not,especially when we know.
(25:33):
So praise God for thisconversation already, because we
are exposing to the light thesespirits that really can cause
us to just crumble if we don'tunderstand that we have power
over them.
Okay, continue.
Victoria Bowers (25:53):
No, you're so right, and that was what you
know.
It's like I, sometimes it'slike we know it with our brain,
but you know, like actuallyknowing it in our heart.
And when he said it, it waslike with the most loving, but
like you already know this, andI was like, and it was just, you
know, it was like just what Ineed, like a dad you know my dad
to be like like you know this.
And and I was like, and he goes, you know what are you holding
(26:18):
on to so tightly that you can'tlet God take control?
And when I, when he said that Iwas like everything, like my
schedule, my like perfection, my, you know getting everything
right, like don't want to get itwrong, and I was holding
everything so tight and I knewwhen, cause, when he said that
I'm like, oh, I have known this.
I just didn't want to give himthe control.
(26:39):
I didn't want to be in a placethat I felt vulnerable enough to
be like, okay, like mistakes,everything being you know, being
like not being perfect, I'mgoing to, I'm going to just be
wrong.
And so I was just when I like I, when he said, I just imagined
(27:03):
myself like warning everythingand um, and he's like you know I
mean even our kids, you know,and, and who they?
They're gods, you know.
So like, oh my gosh, just likelove me.
And I don't want to mess up,and like I don, I don't you know
.
And so I was just holdingeverything so closely that I
wasn't trusting God with any ofit.
And so he was like that I juststart really crying and um,
(27:25):
which is funny, because like mydad's a big cowboy and he's just
like, and he's just like givesme the biggest hug and he's just
I don't.
I'm not normally like a big,but so I was in a place to be
like really crying and he wasjust like daddy.
Denise Jackson (27:38):
I love that and we need our daddy.
We do need our daddy Really,but it's so nice to have those
arms around us from our fathers.
Victoria Bowers (27:47):
It is, it is and it's like, and just the
representation of like heck, theonly father you know,
representation of like heck, theonly father you know.
And so, and he just gives me ahug and he was like you know,
you just need to surrender it toGod.
And so I walked away from thatconversation and, um, I went
downstairs to the room I wasstaying in and I just I got on
(28:08):
my knees and I said, god, I amso sorry.
I am so sorry that I have heldonto everything so tightly.
I'm so sorry that I haven'ttrusted you.
I'm so sorry that I've beentrying to control everything,
including thinking my way wasbetter than your way.
And I said I know you can takethis anxiety away from me and I
(28:32):
am telling you right now take itaway.
I'm going to trust you witheverything and I never want to
have another panic attack again.
God don't let me everexperience it.
I promise I will give youcontrol of everything,
everything.
Denise Jackson (28:45):
Don't let me have a panic attack again.
Victoria Bowers (28:47):
I don't want to be the shell of a person.
I don't want to live like thisand I'm telling you, I never I
have not had a panic attacksince that's awesome to live
like this, and I'm telling you,I never I have not had a panic
attack, since that's awesome andso yeah.
Denise Jackson (29:01):
So, like, so much truth has come out of this
conversation, and this is we'regoing to have more you and I are
going to have one coming upsoon about motherhood and
mothers and how we let go ofmothers when they go to be a
father, and I'm looking forwardto that conversation too.
But today I feel like we haveexposed things to the light that
(29:22):
are major and like, even atthis moment, I'm thinking of
people I want to send this videoto, just so that they can share
in the conversation.
So, thank you, victoria, somuch for being here.
Victoria Bowers (29:48):
So thank you, victoria, so much for being here
.
Do you have any words of wisdomto share with those people that
maybe are going through exactlythe up?
Still, you know, and thebiggest thing that I am taught
over and over and over, when Ifind myself in a place of
striving or find myself in aplace of like trying to control,
is like there's so much beautyin the mess, there's so much
(30:09):
beauty when it's not perfect andthere's so much beauty in that
hard season that God will, likeshow his glory.
And so the biggest thing,whenever something happens and
it just feels and I have thosefeelings come up inside me, I'm
like, okay, god, what do youwant me to learn?
What do you want me to show?
(30:31):
Or how do I get to grow?
Maybe it's I just get to bequiet and sit with you, or maybe
I just need to be like okay,god, I know you're going to show
me a miracle here.
You know whether it's that babysleeping through the night or
just cherishing those sleeplessnights as heart and I know I'm
kind of I'm still have a littleone who doesn't sleep great.
(30:51):
So I I not coming from like aplace of being like so far
removed from that, but beinglike, oh God, thank you for
these beautiful babies, as hardas I can be sometimes, like
thank you the fact that I get tobe their mama, and it's okay
that it doesn't look how I wantit to look, cause there's a
purpose for it all becausethere's a purpose for it all.
Denise Jackson (31:14):
Praise God, okay , well, girls, I'm going to end
us with a prayer.
So, father God, we just thankyou for ordering our steps this
morning, for making our wordsand our meditations pleasing to
you, for showing us things thatoften we can't see in the middle
(31:38):
of the struggle, the spiritsthat are trying to come against
us.
I just praise you that youopened Victoria's eyes with her
daddy not only his hugs but hiswords to open her eyes to that
attack that she was under, asthe whole world was under an
attack.
Father, I thank you that shecame out stronger, that she's
(32:01):
mighty in the land and thatthese women who have been
listening are experiencingfreedom from this spirit of
perfectionism and the spirit ofanxiety that accompanies it.
In the name of Jesus, we bindit and we loose love and peace
and joy on women today.
(32:22):
In your name, jesus, amen.
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