February 24, 2025 • 39 mins
Tonight on Sage Dad Life, we dive into an eye-opening discussion about Der Struwwelpeter, the harsh 19th-century cautionary tales, and contrast them with today’s gentle parenting movement. Are we raising more resilient kids, or are we too soft? Let’s break it down.
Plus, we share three fantastic bedtime story picks for little dreamers:
📚 There’s No Place Like Space: All About Our Solar System – A Dr. Seuss classic that takes young minds on a journey through the stars. 🦖 Ten Minutes to Bed, Little Dinosaur – A fun and soothing adventure helping little ones wind down. 👴 How to Babysit a Grandpa – A heartwarming and hilarious take on a child’s perspective of grandparent bonding.
And finally—a call to all dads! Do you know a great dad with a story to tell? Maybe it’s your neighbor, coworker, brother, or even YOU! Sage Dad Life is about real fatherhood, the kind that happens in the messy, joyful, and unforgettable moments of raising kids. If you—or a dad you know—want to share your journey, reach out!
📧 Email rob@sagedad.life to be part of the conversation.
🎙️ Listen, reflect, and join us as we celebrate the incredible adventure of fatherhood. #SageDadLife #RealDads #FatherhoodMatters #BedtimeStories #GentleParenting
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Sage Dad Life, the podcast that builds better fathers by sharing experiences,
(00:09):
stories, and discussions around what it means to be a present father.
So anyway, welcome back to Sage Dad Life.
We're going to continue to look at the ups and downs and the wisdom that comes with
being a present father.
Today I'm going to dive into something that is fascinating to me, various parenting styles.
(00:36):
So again, I'm a father who has seen multiple generations of parenting.
I had my first two children in my late teens slash early 20s, and now I have a toddler
at 55.
So I really have like a broad view of what it means to be a parent in parenting styles
(01:01):
and how parenting styles have changed.
Specifically I'm going to try and contrast fear-based lessons.
I'm going to specifically of an extreme example, Der Struvelpeter, and compare that to a modern
(01:25):
approach of gentle parenting, quote unquote.
And I think gentle parenting may just be one of those things that has a name that, oh,
you can't be against gentle parenting because otherwise you're not gentle.
It's kind of like when they name a bill, stop taxes, which really adds taxes or whatever.
(01:52):
They're constantly doing that.
But if you haven't heard of Der Struvelpeter, and I hope I'm pronouncing that close to right,
it's a German children's book from 1845.
It was written by Heinrich Hoffmann, and it's essentially a collection of morality tales
for kids, each one more extreme than the last.
(02:18):
Think of it like Grimm's fairy tales of parenting, but a heavy dose of discipline and consequences
that feel outright brutal by today's standards.
So what does Der Struvelpeter teach us, and how does it compare to modern day gentle parenting?
(02:39):
Let's break it down.
So the philosophy behind Der Struvelpeter.
First, let's talk about the mindset.
Hoffmann originally wrote these stories for his own son as a Christmas present.
Merry Christmas.
Back in the 19th century, parenting was largely about obedience and discipline.
(03:01):
The idea was simple.
If a child misbehaved, there would be extreme and often terrifying consequences.
Take his story of a little succothum.
For example, in it there's a boy named Conrad who sucks his thumb, despite his parents warning
(03:24):
that a tailor may come and cut them off.
And guess what?
The tailor actually shows up with a giant pair of scissors and snip, snip, no more thumbs.
That's some serious nightmare fuel for kids.
I'll tell you that.
Another example is the dreadful story of Pauline and the matches.
(03:45):
Okay, everybody knows that you want to teach kids not to play with fire, but Pauline plays
with matches after being warned not to, and she literally sets herself on fire and burns
to death.
The lesson?
Disobedience leads to catastrophe.
Back then, fear was really seen as an effective way to teach children lessons about safety,
(04:12):
respect, and consequences.
It was a direct, no-nonsense, and let's be real, kind of traumatizing approach to parenting.
So let's contrast today's gentle parenting movement with der Struvopieter, which take
(04:36):
that consequence-driven approach, and gentle parenting is pretty much the opposite.
Parenting has definitely evolved significantly over the last few decades.
Shifting societal norms, scientific research, deeper understanding of child psychology are
(04:57):
all influencing the way we raise our children.
One of the most prominent shifts in modern parenting philosophy is the rise of gentle
parenting.
Rooted in respect, empathy, and effective communication, gentle parenting seeks to move away from the
authoritarian punitive discipline methods, instead fostering trust, understanding, and
(05:22):
long-term emotional intelligence in children.
Now, I mean, some people may be thinking, okay, but der Struvopieter at least gets the
message across, and sometimes the message is important.
And honestly, that's fair.
There's no denying that these stories make an impact.
(05:45):
A kid who reads about another child literally burning to ashes might take fire safety a
little more seriously.
And in some ways, I think these extreme cautionary tales mirror the fears that we have as parents.
No, we don't need to tell our kids that a tailor with giant scissors is going to cut
(06:07):
off their thumbs.
But we do need to keep them from running in the streets, playing with electrical outlets,
trusting strangers blindly.
The goal is to keep them safe, but the methods are evolving.
Gentle parenting critics argue that today's kids are too coddled that without these consequences,
(06:34):
they won't learn personal responsibility.
And while I do think balance is key, I believe gentle parenting is about long-term learning,
not just immediate obedience.
Fear might stop a behavior in the moment, but respect and understanding creates self-discipline
for life.
(06:56):
So let's delve into this philosophy of gentle parenting, its origins, principles, and how
it contrasts with traditional parenting styles and its impact on children's development.
We'll also discuss some of the criticisms around this movement and provide hopefully
some practical strategies for parents looking to adopt a gentle-ish parenting in their own
(07:20):
home.
Gentle parenting is not a new concept.
It gained substantial popularity in recent years due to increasing awareness of childhood
mental health and the long-term effects of parenting styles on development.
The term gentle parenting is often associated with author and parenting expert Sarah Oakwell-Smith,
(07:45):
who has written extensively on the subject and advocating for a more compassionate and
understanding approach to raising children.
The philosophy of gentle parenting is heavily influenced by attachment theory, which suggests
that children thrive in environments where they feel secure, valued, emotionally connected
(08:07):
to their caregivers, and this approach contrasts sharply with past parenting models that prioritized
obedience, discipline, and punitive measures.
One of the core principles of gentle parenting is really built on four foundational pillars,
respect, and treating children with the same respect that adults expect from each other.
(08:31):
Empathy, understanding and acknowledging the child's emotions and experiences, boundaries
with connection.
So, setting limits while maintaining trust and emotional safety, discipline without punishment,
teaching and guiding rather than shaming and punishing.
(08:52):
These principles guide parents to foster a cooperative, supportive relationship with
their children rather than one based on control and submission.
So, instead of terrifying a child into obedience, a gentle parent would approach and focus on
helping them to understand why behind the rules, the why.
(09:15):
So, let's take the thumb-sucking example.
Instead of telling a child, if you suck your thumb, a scary tailor will come and cut it
off.
A gentle parent might say, I see that you are sucking your thumb and it makes you feel
comforted.
Do you know it can also cause problems with your teeth as you grow?
(09:38):
Maybe we can find another way to help keep you calm or as far as scaring a child away
from fire like in Pauline's story, a gentle parent response might be, fire can be fascinating
but it is also very dangerous.
Let's explore it safely together so you understand how to handle it without getting hurt.
(10:04):
There's a big difference in those two approaches.
One approach controls through fear and the other fosters understanding and self-regulation.
So there are other parenting styles.
So how does gentle parenting stack up to those?
It's helpful to compare to these other well-known styles.
(10:27):
Psychologist Deanna Baumrind identified really three major parenting styles in the 60s which
were later expanded to four.
Authoritarian parenting, we've talked a little bit about that, high expectations, little
warmth and flexibility.
It's because I said so.
It relies on punishment to enforce discipline and it often leads to children who are obedient
(10:53):
but struggle with self-regulation and emotional health.
There's permissive parenting.
It's highly nurturing with minimal boundaries or expectations.
It's really just avoid conflict leading to children with poor self-discipline entitlement
issues.
It often results in kids who struggle with structure and responsibility.
(11:18):
There's always the neglectful, uninvolved parent, low expectations, low responsiveness.
Parent just provides very little guidance or emotional support and it can lead to severe
emotional and behavioral challenges in children.
And then there's the authoritative parenting.
(11:39):
It's the closest to gentle parenting.
It's a balance of high expectations, high responsiveness, encourages independence while
maintaining structure, uses reasoning and guidance instead of punishment and really
leads to children who are more confident, emotionally healthy and self-disciplined.
So it sounds great.
I mean, gentle parenting is definitely most aligned with the authoritative parenting.
(12:05):
Though it does place an even stronger emphasis on emotional connection, empathy and avoiding
punitive measures altogether.
So how does this impact children's child development?
I think, you know, emotional intelligence and self-regulation, children raised with
(12:26):
gentle parenting are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence.
It means that they can identify, understand and manage their emotions effectively.
Studies show that children who grow up in an empathetic environment learn to handle conflict
better and demonstrate higher resilience in stressful situations.
(12:49):
We can all use a little more resilience.
Trust and severe trust and secure attachment.
A key component of gentle parenting is ensuring that children feel secure and valued.
According to attachment theory, children who experience consistent emotional support from
their caregivers develop a secure attachment style, which positively affects their future
(13:16):
relationships.
Most anxiety, behavioral problems, harsh discipline and punitive measures have been
linked to a higher rate of anxiety, depression, behavioral issues and children.
Gentle parenting emphasizes guidance over punishment, helps children to develop a healthy
sense of self-worth without fear of judgment or rejection.
(13:42):
Encouraging autonomy and decision-making skills.
So instead of demanding obedience, gentle parenting encourages children to think critically,
make choices and understand consequences naturally.
This fosters independence, responsibility, problem-solving from a very young age.
(14:03):
So despite its benefits, though, gentle parenting does face criticism, often due to misunderstandings
or misapplications of gentle parenting, you know, leaning more into the permissive parenting
realm.
Gentle parenting is too soft, it lacks discipline.
(14:25):
Critics would argue that gentle parenting is permissive.
It allows children to run the household.
However, I think properly applied, gentle parenting does not necessarily mean a lack of discipline.
It means discipline without punishment, without shaming.
Boundaries are still set, they're still enforced, but it's through communication and understanding
(14:50):
rather than fear.
People say it doesn't prepare children for the real world.
Some believe that children raised in gentle parenting environment may struggle in the
real world where authority and consequences exist.
But the research really shows that children raised with emotional intelligence and problem-solving
(15:11):
skills actually adapt better than those raised with strict control or fear-based discipline.
It takes too much time.
Yeah, gentle parenting requires more patience, emotional awareness and an effort compared
to traditional discipline methods.
(15:32):
But the long-term benefits such as stronger parent-child relationships, fewer behavioral
issues seems like it's worth the investment.
So what are those practical strategies for implementing gentle parenting?
And, you know, there's no right, there's no wrong.
(15:55):
You're the parent, you decide how to approach things.
If our parents interested in adopting gentle parenting, here's some strategies.
Model emotional regulation.
So children learn how to handle emotions by observing their caregivers.
Stay calm and model a healthy emotional response to a stress and frustration.
(16:17):
It's hard sometimes.
Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of dismissing your child's feelings, acknowledge them.
I see that you are really frustrated right now.
It's okay to feel that way.
Let's talk about it.
Let's use our words.
Set clear boundaries.
Gentle parenting is not allowed about letting children do whatever they want.
(16:41):
Set consistent boundaries with explanations.
We don't hit because it hurts people.
Let's find another way to act if we're angry.
Use natural consequences.
Instead of arbitrary punishment, allow children to experience the natural results of their
(17:02):
actions.
If a child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, they'll learn the consequence of feeling
cold without harsh punishment.
Now here's, this is where I kind of like draw some lines is because when you're dealing
with safety, go back to the fire issue, there's no margin for error.
(17:27):
You have to instill in that child that you don't mess with fire.
I think that that's kind of where my generation, my original generation of raising children
maybe differs from some of the folks today.
Encourage problem solving.
(17:48):
Instead of giving orders, ask questions, guide the children to their own solutions.
What do you think would help you feel better when you're upset?
Gentle parenting is a part of a larger cultural shift towards more emotionally aware, respectful
relationships between children and parents.
(18:11):
While it's not without challenges, it is in the foundation there's empathy, communication
and respect, which makes it a compelling alternative to punitive parenting styles.
Research continues to validate its effectiveness.
Gentle parenting is likely to remain a powerful force in shaping the next generation, one
(18:35):
built on trust, emotional intelligence and mutual respect.
For those who are embarking on a gentle parenting journey, remember it's not about perfection,
it's about progress.
So how do I personally parent my little one?
(18:55):
Well, let's just say I'm not reading Der Strohvalpeter at bedtime anytime soon.
But I do believe in firm boundaries.
The way that I see it is gentle parenting isn't about saying yes to everything, it's about
setting limits in a way that doesn't break the child's spirit.
(19:19):
For example, when my daughter throws a tantrum and she wants candy before dinner, the response
isn't fine, take it.
But it also isn't, if you keep crying, I'm going to lock you in your room.
Instead, I might say, I hear that you really want candy and it's okay to be upset and we
can have some after dinner.
(19:40):
But right now, we're going to eat real food first.
It's about acknowledging the emotions and still holding firm.
It's about teaching rather than controlling.
At the end of the day, we all want the same thing for our kids, to grow up safe, responsible
and kind.
(20:01):
Der Strohvalpeter and gentle parenting are just two drastically different approaches
to getting there.
So why did parenting change so much?
It's the research, we understand more about childhood development and trauma.
There's less appetite for corporal punishment.
Spanking in harsh discipline have really become controversial.
(20:27):
Changing family dynamics, more dual income households, meaning different parenting structures.
Real health awareness, parents today are more in tune with emotions, their own and their
children's.
It's not that there's one way that's perfect, but it is interesting that as society evolves,
(20:50):
so does our understanding of what kids need to thrive.
So what do you think?
Is Der Strohvalpeter just a relic of the past or does it still have some value today?
And where do you land on the parenting spectrum, more old school discipline or more gentle
approach?
(21:11):
I'd love to hear your thoughts, so send me a message or drop me a comment whenever you're
listening.
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share it with another parent
who might appreciate the discussion.
And thank you for listening.
(21:33):
We've got a book review coming up here, and then that's it for today.
No guess on this episode, but I am trying to finagle one for next week.
I appreciate your time and your attention.
Oh, one final no.
I wanted to let you know, I mean, just a follow up from last week's discussion on AI bedtime
(21:57):
stories.
So I started recording these stories for YouTube, and it was a lot of fun.
And then I started reimagining some classic works that are in the public domain, and that
was a lot of fun.
So I started building this library of these stories, both from my little storyteller and
(22:19):
classics that are reimagined.
And I thought, well, this would make a good podcast for somebody who wants something to
turn on at night to help their child unwind.
So I started weaving them together into storytime with Sage's dad.
(22:42):
So check it out.
It's available on Apple Podcast, YouTube, and really anywhere you get your podcasts.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
And if you have a parent who wants a little help putting their child to sleep, my voice
might be just the right thing.
Sorry, no jokes there.
(23:04):
But I will talk to you next week.
And thank you very much.
This episode of Sage Dad Life could be sponsored by your brand.
Just like fatherhood, the best things in life come with support, guidance, and a little
wisdom.
Help dads navigate their journey with confidence.
(23:25):
For your quality brand, we're proud to present engaged and empowered fathers.
Visit www.sagedad.life or email rob at sagedad.life for more information.
There is something truly special about reading to a child.
It's more than just words on a page.
It's laughter, connection, and the little moments that turn into lifelong memories.
(23:51):
Whether it's a silly story that gets them giggling or a bedtime favorite they ask for
night after night.
Books have a way of bringing us closer.
In this segment, we're going to dive into some of the best and most read books in our
house because stories that we share today shape the love of reading for a lifetime.
(24:12):
Okay, I'm going to start today's book session with going back to father to daughter, Harry
Harrison, Jr.
Just opening some random pages.
One of them is talk to her about drugs and alcohol early and often.
(24:38):
You don't want her to hear stuff from somebody else.
I think having older kids, I absolutely agree with that sentiment.
There's one that may help me out.
(24:58):
You have no power over how much shampoo, conditioner, skin cream, at home hair color, mascara, eyeliner,
lipstick, perfume, and body wash she will buy.
Accept it and move on.
I'm not quite there yet, but I can definitely imagine my little sage being quite needy in
(25:26):
that regard.
She's already got me painting her toenails and she definitely likes to get fancy to go
out.
Anyway, let's talk about some books in our library.
(25:52):
Our first book is How to Babysit a Grandpa by Gene Reagan, illustrated by Lee Wildish.
It's again a book in a series, How to Babysit a Grandma, How to Raise a Mom, and it goes
on and on.
I like this series and it's a lot of fun.
(26:16):
The illustrations by Lee are amazing and even fun to look at as an adult.
The type is clear and fun to read.
It has a really good rhythm to it.
I'll tell you Sage absolutely loves it.
(26:37):
They're board books, so they stay together well.
Ours are showing a little wear because we read them often.
The next book is kind of a follow-up to I mentioned New Horizons for Pluto.
(26:57):
We wrote that book together.
This was a book that I saw at the store.
There's No Place Like Space all about our solar system.
It is a revised edition of Fun Nonfiction from Dr. Seuss.
It explores Cat in the Hat.
(27:19):
It's a fun as Dr. Seuss usually is rhyming, not really a big tongue twister in this one,
but it's a lot of fun.
If your little one is showing interest in planets and solar systems and all that stuff, it really
(27:40):
gives a good opportunity to talk about the science of it in a fun and meaningful way.
Sage and I, we play blast off a lot at night when we're getting tucked in.
(28:01):
It really is a fun way to bring in imagination and explore things.
I like space.
I like planets.
I like to talk about them.
I like to go outside and say, hey, look, that's Venus up there.
At some point, we'll get a telescope and do all that fun stuff.
(28:22):
Yeah, I highly recommend.
I recommend all the Dr. Seuss books.
I think they're fun to read and fun to share.
I think it's an important part of our culture.
The next book from Rhiannon Fielding, and I guess illustrations by Chris Chatterton,
(28:55):
is called 10 Minutes to Bed Little Dinosaur.
It is a fun book with beautifully colored illustrations, a little bit of texture on the
cover with some glitter.
It's a very beautiful book.
(29:16):
Children's books, I mean, how beautiful they're made is just really one of the things that
draws me to them.
There's a really cool map of the land of Nod on the cover pages, which I liked a lot.
(29:45):
It's fun to read.
There's not a huge amount of words, but there's beautiful engaging pictures.
It's all about 10 minutes to bed, little dinosaur, and the dinosaur is out there in the world.
He's having fun and he's running around.
As he thunders along, there's a hullabaloo and this volcano erupts.
(30:10):
It's six minutes to bed, and boom, now all this lava and rocks are flying all around.
Another alert, the dinosaur survives, but I felt like the story got a little dark for
a minute and I was not expecting that the first time I opened it.
(30:37):
When the volcano erupted, I'm like, where's this thing going?
Is this about extinction or anything?
But he eventually finds mama and everything's just hunky dory.
I think it's just be aware that it does get a little dark as far as the volcano coming
(30:59):
and the dinosaurs out there on his own.
But mama comes back.
To be honest, in children's literature, I think sometimes it's okay to have a villain
and sometimes it's okay to have conflict and sometimes it's okay to have drama in a child's
(31:23):
story.
It doesn't always have to be about teaching some moral or woke lesson.
It can be about fun storytelling.
A child is just as engaged by the whole hero's framework storytelling as an adult.
(31:52):
They want the hero to deal with adversity and come through and have this reawakening
at the end.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think that's part of the human condition and what we like to hear about.
(32:14):
Those are some books that I wanted to share this week.
I hope you enjoy them.
If you have a book that you think is just exceptional, send me a note, rob at sagedad.life.
I'll take a look at it and maybe talk about it a little bit on our podcast.
(32:37):
I think that if you haven't noticed, I think that reading and reading to children is one
of the most important things that you can do.
It builds a relationship in a way that other activities just don't.
(32:58):
When you're in the middle of a story and your child tugs at your arm and says, Daddy, I
love you.
Wow.
Those are the moments you live for.
This episode of Sage Dad Life could be sponsored by your brand.
(33:20):
Just like fatherhood, the best things in life come with support, guidance, and a little
wisdom.
Sage dads navigate their journey with confidence.
For your quality brand, we're proud to present engaged and empowered fathers.
Visit www.sagedad.life or email rob at sagedad.life for more information.
(33:41):
Okay.
That pretty much brings our episode this week to an end.
I did want to talk a little bit about what I'd like to do with this podcast.
For those of you who are listening, and I know there's not a lot right now, hopefully
(34:03):
our audience will grow and grow a lot.
I think the way that it will do that is by sharing stories of everyday fathers.
There's quite a few fathers podcasts out there.
One of them sort of affected me a little bit, I guess.
(34:29):
You can find it if you look for it.
It's like, I can't remember, stories of high-profile dads.
It's all about interviewing the rich, famous, and influential, and how they parent.
That sort of is a slap across the face, in my opinion, to the everyday dad just trying
(34:54):
to make ends meet and provide for their children and be a good father.
The advice of some movie star on how I should parent my child is unwanted, I think.
(35:15):
That may be just me, but that's me.
I don't really go after high-profile dads.
I go after the guy next door, the guy who works at Caterpillar, the guy who has his
own marketing agency, the guy driving a school bus, the police officer, first responders.
(35:41):
All have different perspectives on parenting and what it means to be a father.
Families all have different shapes and sizes.
Some are blended families.
Some are part-time families and back and forth, and there's all kinds of stuff.
I'd love to explore each one of those because there is a parenting tip for each one of those
(36:07):
situations, I'm sure.
I think it's valuable to hear from these people.
Sometimes those are the people they don't necessarily have never been on a podcast.
Maybe they're not talkers.
Maybe they don't know about sharing their story.
(36:31):
But if you know a father out there who's doing a great job or figuring it out, send them
a note and say, hey, why don't you reach out to this guy and get on the podcast?
I think people would benefit from hearing about your experience and make that father
(36:55):
feel good about what they're doing.
It's interesting.
There are fathers everywhere who are doing a great job and have different perspectives.
I want to reach as many of them as I can, have them featured here on Sage Dead Life,
(37:17):
learn from them, learn from their experience, and hopefully be able to translate that to
a broader audience and have other people learn from that experience.
I'm continually talking to people and getting people interested in coming on the show.
(37:43):
As I schedule them, I will release them in the upcoming episodes.
As I grow an audience, I'm going to grow a number of guests.
My commitment is to get to the point where we have a guest every week.
I'm also looking at talking to various educators, not parenting experts per se, but maybe a
(38:08):
kindergarten teacher or a principal of an elementary school.
I want to hear their perspective on what an involved father does for a child.
If you have other ideas for a guest on our podcast, shoot me a note.
Again, it's rob at sagedad.life.
(38:33):
I want this to be, as our audience grows, as our community grows, I want this to be
more than just a one-way conversation.
I really do.
I would really appreciate it if you took the time to do that, that would mean a lot to
(38:53):
me, and it would mean a lot to our community.
I'll have a blessed week, and I will talk to you next week.
Until then, be present, be engaged, and be the best dad that you can be.
Welcome to Sage Dad Life, the podcast that builds better fathers by sharing experiences,
(00:09):
stories, and discussions around what it means to be a present father.
So anyway, welcome back to Sage Dad Life.
We're going to continue to look at the ups and downs and the wisdom that comes with
being a present father.
Today I'm going to dive into something that is fascinating to me, various parenting styles.
(00:36):
So again, I'm a father who has seen multiple generations of parenting.
I had my first two children in my late teens slash early 20s, and now I have a toddler
at 55.
So I really have like a broad view of what it means to be a parent in parenting styles
(01:01):
and how parenting styles have changed.
Specifically I'm going to try and contrast fear-based lessons.
I'm going to specifically of an extreme example, Der Struvelpeter, and compare that to a modern
(01:25):
approach of gentle parenting, quote unquote.
And I think gentle parenting may just be one of those things that has a name that, oh,
you can't be against gentle parenting because otherwise you're not gentle.
It's kind of like when they name a bill, stop taxes, which really adds taxes or whatever.
(01:52):
They're constantly doing that.
But if you haven't heard of Der Struvelpeter, and I hope I'm pronouncing that close to right,
it's a German children's book from 1845.
It was written by Heinrich Hoffmann, and it's essentially a collection of morality tales
for kids, each one more extreme than the last.
(02:18):
Think of it like Grimm's fairy tales of parenting, but a heavy dose of discipline and consequences
that feel outright brutal by today's standards.
So what does Der Struvelpeter teach us, and how does it compare to modern day gentle parenting?
(02:39):
Let's break it down.
So the philosophy behind Der Struvelpeter.
First, let's talk about the mindset.
Hoffmann originally wrote these stories for his own son as a Christmas present.
Merry Christmas.
Back in the 19th century, parenting was largely about obedience and discipline.
(03:01):
The idea was simple.
If a child misbehaved, there would be extreme and often terrifying consequences.
Take his story of a little succothum.
For example, in it there's a boy named Conrad who sucks his thumb, despite his parents warning
(03:24):
that a tailor may come and cut them off.
And guess what?
The tailor actually shows up with a giant pair of scissors and snip, snip, no more thumbs.
That's some serious nightmare fuel for kids.
I'll tell you that.
Another example is the dreadful story of Pauline and the matches.
(03:45):
Okay, everybody knows that you want to teach kids not to play with fire, but Pauline plays
with matches after being warned not to, and she literally sets herself on fire and burns
to death.
The lesson?
Disobedience leads to catastrophe.
Back then, fear was really seen as an effective way to teach children lessons about safety,
(04:12):
respect, and consequences.
It was a direct, no-nonsense, and let's be real, kind of traumatizing approach to parenting.
So let's contrast today's gentle parenting movement with der Struvopieter, which take
(04:36):
that consequence-driven approach, and gentle parenting is pretty much the opposite.
Parenting has definitely evolved significantly over the last few decades.
Shifting societal norms, scientific research, deeper understanding of child psychology are
(04:57):
all influencing the way we raise our children.
One of the most prominent shifts in modern parenting philosophy is the rise of gentle
parenting.
Rooted in respect, empathy, and effective communication, gentle parenting seeks to move away from the
authoritarian punitive discipline methods, instead fostering trust, understanding, and
(05:22):
long-term emotional intelligence in children.
Now, I mean, some people may be thinking, okay, but der Struvopieter at least gets the
message across, and sometimes the message is important.
And honestly, that's fair.
There's no denying that these stories make an impact.
(05:45):
A kid who reads about another child literally burning to ashes might take fire safety a
little more seriously.
And in some ways, I think these extreme cautionary tales mirror the fears that we have as parents.
No, we don't need to tell our kids that a tailor with giant scissors is going to cut
(06:07):
off their thumbs.
But we do need to keep them from running in the streets, playing with electrical outlets,
trusting strangers blindly.
The goal is to keep them safe, but the methods are evolving.
Gentle parenting critics argue that today's kids are too coddled that without these consequences,
(06:34):
they won't learn personal responsibility.
And while I do think balance is key, I believe gentle parenting is about long-term learning,
not just immediate obedience.
Fear might stop a behavior in the moment, but respect and understanding creates self-discipline
for life.
(06:56):
So let's delve into this philosophy of gentle parenting, its origins, principles, and how
it contrasts with traditional parenting styles and its impact on children's development.
We'll also discuss some of the criticisms around this movement and provide hopefully
some practical strategies for parents looking to adopt a gentle-ish parenting in their own
(07:20):
home.
Gentle parenting is not a new concept.
It gained substantial popularity in recent years due to increasing awareness of childhood
mental health and the long-term effects of parenting styles on development.
The term gentle parenting is often associated with author and parenting expert Sarah Oakwell-Smith,
(07:45):
who has written extensively on the subject and advocating for a more compassionate and
understanding approach to raising children.
The philosophy of gentle parenting is heavily influenced by attachment theory, which suggests
that children thrive in environments where they feel secure, valued, emotionally connected
(08:07):
to their caregivers, and this approach contrasts sharply with past parenting models that prioritized
obedience, discipline, and punitive measures.
One of the core principles of gentle parenting is really built on four foundational pillars,
respect, and treating children with the same respect that adults expect from each other.
(08:31):
Empathy, understanding and acknowledging the child's emotions and experiences, boundaries
with connection.
So, setting limits while maintaining trust and emotional safety, discipline without punishment,
teaching and guiding rather than shaming and punishing.
(08:52):
These principles guide parents to foster a cooperative, supportive relationship with
their children rather than one based on control and submission.
So, instead of terrifying a child into obedience, a gentle parent would approach and focus on
helping them to understand why behind the rules, the why.
(09:15):
So, let's take the thumb-sucking example.
Instead of telling a child, if you suck your thumb, a scary tailor will come and cut it
off.
A gentle parent might say, I see that you are sucking your thumb and it makes you feel
comforted.
Do you know it can also cause problems with your teeth as you grow?
(09:38):
Maybe we can find another way to help keep you calm or as far as scaring a child away
from fire like in Pauline's story, a gentle parent response might be, fire can be fascinating
but it is also very dangerous.
Let's explore it safely together so you understand how to handle it without getting hurt.
(10:04):
There's a big difference in those two approaches.
One approach controls through fear and the other fosters understanding and self-regulation.
So there are other parenting styles.
So how does gentle parenting stack up to those?
It's helpful to compare to these other well-known styles.
(10:27):
Psychologist Deanna Baumrind identified really three major parenting styles in the 60s which
were later expanded to four.
Authoritarian parenting, we've talked a little bit about that, high expectations, little
warmth and flexibility.
It's because I said so.
It relies on punishment to enforce discipline and it often leads to children who are obedient
(10:53):
but struggle with self-regulation and emotional health.
There's permissive parenting.
It's highly nurturing with minimal boundaries or expectations.
It's really just avoid conflict leading to children with poor self-discipline entitlement
issues.
It often results in kids who struggle with structure and responsibility.
(11:18):
There's always the neglectful, uninvolved parent, low expectations, low responsiveness.
Parent just provides very little guidance or emotional support and it can lead to severe
emotional and behavioral challenges in children.
And then there's the authoritative parenting.
(11:39):
It's the closest to gentle parenting.
It's a balance of high expectations, high responsiveness, encourages independence while
maintaining structure, uses reasoning and guidance instead of punishment and really
leads to children who are more confident, emotionally healthy and self-disciplined.
So it sounds great.
I mean, gentle parenting is definitely most aligned with the authoritative parenting.
(12:05):
Though it does place an even stronger emphasis on emotional connection, empathy and avoiding
punitive measures altogether.
So how does this impact children's child development?
I think, you know, emotional intelligence and self-regulation, children raised with
(12:26):
gentle parenting are more likely to develop strong emotional intelligence.
It means that they can identify, understand and manage their emotions effectively.
Studies show that children who grow up in an empathetic environment learn to handle conflict
better and demonstrate higher resilience in stressful situations.
(12:49):
We can all use a little more resilience.
Trust and severe trust and secure attachment.
A key component of gentle parenting is ensuring that children feel secure and valued.
According to attachment theory, children who experience consistent emotional support from
their caregivers develop a secure attachment style, which positively affects their future
(13:16):
relationships.
Most anxiety, behavioral problems, harsh discipline and punitive measures have been
linked to a higher rate of anxiety, depression, behavioral issues and children.
Gentle parenting emphasizes guidance over punishment, helps children to develop a healthy
sense of self-worth without fear of judgment or rejection.
(13:42):
Encouraging autonomy and decision-making skills.
So instead of demanding obedience, gentle parenting encourages children to think critically,
make choices and understand consequences naturally.
This fosters independence, responsibility, problem-solving from a very young age.
(14:03):
So despite its benefits, though, gentle parenting does face criticism, often due to misunderstandings
or misapplications of gentle parenting, you know, leaning more into the permissive parenting
realm.
Gentle parenting is too soft, it lacks discipline.
(14:25):
Critics would argue that gentle parenting is permissive.
It allows children to run the household.
However, I think properly applied, gentle parenting does not necessarily mean a lack of discipline.
It means discipline without punishment, without shaming.
Boundaries are still set, they're still enforced, but it's through communication and understanding
(14:50):
rather than fear.
People say it doesn't prepare children for the real world.
Some believe that children raised in gentle parenting environment may struggle in the
real world where authority and consequences exist.
But the research really shows that children raised with emotional intelligence and problem-solving
(15:11):
skills actually adapt better than those raised with strict control or fear-based discipline.
It takes too much time.
Yeah, gentle parenting requires more patience, emotional awareness and an effort compared
to traditional discipline methods.
(15:32):
But the long-term benefits such as stronger parent-child relationships, fewer behavioral
issues seems like it's worth the investment.
So what are those practical strategies for implementing gentle parenting?
And, you know, there's no right, there's no wrong.
(15:55):
You're the parent, you decide how to approach things.
If our parents interested in adopting gentle parenting, here's some strategies.
Model emotional regulation.
So children learn how to handle emotions by observing their caregivers.
Stay calm and model a healthy emotional response to a stress and frustration.
(16:17):
It's hard sometimes.
Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of dismissing your child's feelings, acknowledge them.
I see that you are really frustrated right now.
It's okay to feel that way.
Let's talk about it.
Let's use our words.
Set clear boundaries.
Gentle parenting is not allowed about letting children do whatever they want.
(16:41):
Set consistent boundaries with explanations.
We don't hit because it hurts people.
Let's find another way to act if we're angry.
Use natural consequences.
Instead of arbitrary punishment, allow children to experience the natural results of their
(17:02):
actions.
If a child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, they'll learn the consequence of feeling
cold without harsh punishment.
Now here's, this is where I kind of like draw some lines is because when you're dealing
with safety, go back to the fire issue, there's no margin for error.
(17:27):
You have to instill in that child that you don't mess with fire.
I think that that's kind of where my generation, my original generation of raising children
maybe differs from some of the folks today.
Encourage problem solving.
(17:48):
Instead of giving orders, ask questions, guide the children to their own solutions.
What do you think would help you feel better when you're upset?
Gentle parenting is a part of a larger cultural shift towards more emotionally aware, respectful
relationships between children and parents.
(18:11):
While it's not without challenges, it is in the foundation there's empathy, communication
and respect, which makes it a compelling alternative to punitive parenting styles.
Research continues to validate its effectiveness.
Gentle parenting is likely to remain a powerful force in shaping the next generation, one
(18:35):
built on trust, emotional intelligence and mutual respect.
For those who are embarking on a gentle parenting journey, remember it's not about perfection,
it's about progress.
So how do I personally parent my little one?
(18:55):
Well, let's just say I'm not reading Der Strohvalpeter at bedtime anytime soon.
But I do believe in firm boundaries.
The way that I see it is gentle parenting isn't about saying yes to everything, it's about
setting limits in a way that doesn't break the child's spirit.
(19:19):
For example, when my daughter throws a tantrum and she wants candy before dinner, the response
isn't fine, take it.
But it also isn't, if you keep crying, I'm going to lock you in your room.
Instead, I might say, I hear that you really want candy and it's okay to be upset and we
can have some after dinner.
(19:40):
But right now, we're going to eat real food first.
It's about acknowledging the emotions and still holding firm.
It's about teaching rather than controlling.
At the end of the day, we all want the same thing for our kids, to grow up safe, responsible
and kind.
(20:01):
Der Strohvalpeter and gentle parenting are just two drastically different approaches
to getting there.
So why did parenting change so much?
It's the research, we understand more about childhood development and trauma.
There's less appetite for corporal punishment.
Spanking in harsh discipline have really become controversial.
(20:27):
Changing family dynamics, more dual income households, meaning different parenting structures.
Real health awareness, parents today are more in tune with emotions, their own and their
children's.
It's not that there's one way that's perfect, but it is interesting that as society evolves,
(20:50):
so does our understanding of what kids need to thrive.
So what do you think?
Is Der Strohvalpeter just a relic of the past or does it still have some value today?
And where do you land on the parenting spectrum, more old school discipline or more gentle
approach?
(21:11):
I'd love to hear your thoughts, so send me a message or drop me a comment whenever you're
listening.
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, share it with another parent
who might appreciate the discussion.
And thank you for listening.
(21:33):
We've got a book review coming up here, and then that's it for today.
No guess on this episode, but I am trying to finagle one for next week.
I appreciate your time and your attention.
Oh, one final no.
I wanted to let you know, I mean, just a follow up from last week's discussion on AI bedtime
(21:57):
stories.
So I started recording these stories for YouTube, and it was a lot of fun.
And then I started reimagining some classic works that are in the public domain, and that
was a lot of fun.
So I started building this library of these stories, both from my little storyteller and
(22:19):
classics that are reimagined.
And I thought, well, this would make a good podcast for somebody who wants something to
turn on at night to help their child unwind.
So I started weaving them together into storytime with Sage's dad.
(22:42):
So check it out.
It's available on Apple Podcast, YouTube, and really anywhere you get your podcasts.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
And if you have a parent who wants a little help putting their child to sleep, my voice
might be just the right thing.
Sorry, no jokes there.
(23:04):
But I will talk to you next week.
And thank you very much.
This episode of Sage Dad Life could be sponsored by your brand.
Just like fatherhood, the best things in life come with support, guidance, and a little
wisdom.
Help dads navigate their journey with confidence.
(23:25):
For your quality brand, we're proud to present engaged and empowered fathers.
Visit www.sagedad.life or email rob at sagedad.life for more information.
There is something truly special about reading to a child.
It's more than just words on a page.
It's laughter, connection, and the little moments that turn into lifelong memories.
(23:51):
Whether it's a silly story that gets them giggling or a bedtime favorite they ask for
night after night.
Books have a way of bringing us closer.
In this segment, we're going to dive into some of the best and most read books in our
house because stories that we share today shape the love of reading for a lifetime.
(24:12):
Okay, I'm going to start today's book session with going back to father to daughter, Harry
Harrison, Jr.
Just opening some random pages.
One of them is talk to her about drugs and alcohol early and often.
(24:38):
You don't want her to hear stuff from somebody else.
I think having older kids, I absolutely agree with that sentiment.
There's one that may help me out.
(24:58):
You have no power over how much shampoo, conditioner, skin cream, at home hair color, mascara, eyeliner,
lipstick, perfume, and body wash she will buy.
Accept it and move on.
I'm not quite there yet, but I can definitely imagine my little sage being quite needy in
(25:26):
that regard.
She's already got me painting her toenails and she definitely likes to get fancy to go
out.
Anyway, let's talk about some books in our library.
(25:52):
Our first book is How to Babysit a Grandpa by Gene Reagan, illustrated by Lee Wildish.
It's again a book in a series, How to Babysit a Grandma, How to Raise a Mom, and it goes
on and on.
I like this series and it's a lot of fun.
(26:16):
The illustrations by Lee are amazing and even fun to look at as an adult.
The type is clear and fun to read.
It has a really good rhythm to it.
I'll tell you Sage absolutely loves it.
(26:37):
They're board books, so they stay together well.
Ours are showing a little wear because we read them often.
The next book is kind of a follow-up to I mentioned New Horizons for Pluto.
(26:57):
We wrote that book together.
This was a book that I saw at the store.
There's No Place Like Space all about our solar system.
It is a revised edition of Fun Nonfiction from Dr. Seuss.
It explores Cat in the Hat.
(27:19):
It's a fun as Dr. Seuss usually is rhyming, not really a big tongue twister in this one,
but it's a lot of fun.
If your little one is showing interest in planets and solar systems and all that stuff, it really
(27:40):
gives a good opportunity to talk about the science of it in a fun and meaningful way.
Sage and I, we play blast off a lot at night when we're getting tucked in.
(28:01):
It really is a fun way to bring in imagination and explore things.
I like space.
I like planets.
I like to talk about them.
I like to go outside and say, hey, look, that's Venus up there.
At some point, we'll get a telescope and do all that fun stuff.
(28:22):
Yeah, I highly recommend.
I recommend all the Dr. Seuss books.
I think they're fun to read and fun to share.
I think it's an important part of our culture.
The next book from Rhiannon Fielding, and I guess illustrations by Chris Chatterton,
(28:55):
is called 10 Minutes to Bed Little Dinosaur.
It is a fun book with beautifully colored illustrations, a little bit of texture on the
cover with some glitter.
It's a very beautiful book.
(29:16):
Children's books, I mean, how beautiful they're made is just really one of the things that
draws me to them.
There's a really cool map of the land of Nod on the cover pages, which I liked a lot.
(29:45):
It's fun to read.
There's not a huge amount of words, but there's beautiful engaging pictures.
It's all about 10 minutes to bed, little dinosaur, and the dinosaur is out there in the world.
He's having fun and he's running around.
As he thunders along, there's a hullabaloo and this volcano erupts.
(30:10):
It's six minutes to bed, and boom, now all this lava and rocks are flying all around.
Another alert, the dinosaur survives, but I felt like the story got a little dark for
a minute and I was not expecting that the first time I opened it.
(30:37):
When the volcano erupted, I'm like, where's this thing going?
Is this about extinction or anything?
But he eventually finds mama and everything's just hunky dory.
I think it's just be aware that it does get a little dark as far as the volcano coming
(30:59):
and the dinosaurs out there on his own.
But mama comes back.
To be honest, in children's literature, I think sometimes it's okay to have a villain
and sometimes it's okay to have conflict and sometimes it's okay to have drama in a child's
(31:23):
story.
It doesn't always have to be about teaching some moral or woke lesson.
It can be about fun storytelling.
A child is just as engaged by the whole hero's framework storytelling as an adult.
(31:52):
They want the hero to deal with adversity and come through and have this reawakening
at the end.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think that's part of the human condition and what we like to hear about.
(32:14):
Those are some books that I wanted to share this week.
I hope you enjoy them.
If you have a book that you think is just exceptional, send me a note, rob at sagedad.life.
I'll take a look at it and maybe talk about it a little bit on our podcast.
(32:37):
I think that if you haven't noticed, I think that reading and reading to children is one
of the most important things that you can do.
It builds a relationship in a way that other activities just don't.
(32:58):
When you're in the middle of a story and your child tugs at your arm and says, Daddy, I
love you.
Wow.
Those are the moments you live for.
This episode of Sage Dad Life could be sponsored by your brand.
(33:20):
Just like fatherhood, the best things in life come with support, guidance, and a little
wisdom.
Sage dads navigate their journey with confidence.
For your quality brand, we're proud to present engaged and empowered fathers.
Visit www.sagedad.life or email rob at sagedad.life for more information.
(33:41):
Okay.
That pretty much brings our episode this week to an end.
I did want to talk a little bit about what I'd like to do with this podcast.
For those of you who are listening, and I know there's not a lot right now, hopefully
(34:03):
our audience will grow and grow a lot.
I think the way that it will do that is by sharing stories of everyday fathers.
There's quite a few fathers podcasts out there.
One of them sort of affected me a little bit, I guess.
(34:29):
You can find it if you look for it.
It's like, I can't remember, stories of high-profile dads.
It's all about interviewing the rich, famous, and influential, and how they parent.
That sort of is a slap across the face, in my opinion, to the everyday dad just trying
(34:54):
to make ends meet and provide for their children and be a good father.
The advice of some movie star on how I should parent my child is unwanted, I think.
(35:15):
That may be just me, but that's me.
I don't really go after high-profile dads.
I go after the guy next door, the guy who works at Caterpillar, the guy who has his
own marketing agency, the guy driving a school bus, the police officer, first responders.
(35:41):
All have different perspectives on parenting and what it means to be a father.
Families all have different shapes and sizes.
Some are blended families.
Some are part-time families and back and forth, and there's all kinds of stuff.
I'd love to explore each one of those because there is a parenting tip for each one of those
(36:07):
situations, I'm sure.
I think it's valuable to hear from these people.
Sometimes those are the people they don't necessarily have never been on a podcast.
Maybe they're not talkers.
Maybe they don't know about sharing their story.
(36:31):
But if you know a father out there who's doing a great job or figuring it out, send them
a note and say, hey, why don't you reach out to this guy and get on the podcast?
I think people would benefit from hearing about your experience and make that father
(36:55):
feel good about what they're doing.
It's interesting.
There are fathers everywhere who are doing a great job and have different perspectives.
I want to reach as many of them as I can, have them featured here on Sage Dead Life,
(37:17):
learn from them, learn from their experience, and hopefully be able to translate that to
a broader audience and have other people learn from that experience.
I'm continually talking to people and getting people interested in coming on the show.
(37:43):
As I schedule them, I will release them in the upcoming episodes.
As I grow an audience, I'm going to grow a number of guests.
My commitment is to get to the point where we have a guest every week.
I'm also looking at talking to various educators, not parenting experts per se, but maybe a
(38:08):
kindergarten teacher or a principal of an elementary school.
I want to hear their perspective on what an involved father does for a child.
If you have other ideas for a guest on our podcast, shoot me a note.
Again, it's rob at sagedad.life.
(38:33):
I want this to be, as our audience grows, as our community grows, I want this to be
more than just a one-way conversation.
I really do.
I would really appreciate it if you took the time to do that, that would mean a lot to
(38:53):
me, and it would mean a lot to our community.
I'll have a blessed week, and I will talk to you next week.
Until then, be present, be engaged, and be the best dad that you can be.
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