July 8, 2025 • 14 mins
Welcome back to SHE Asked: Tools for Practical Hope with your host and friend, Anna McBride.
Today, we explore what it means to rebuild your inner world after trauma, addiction, or emotional chaos.
I'll be sharing about:
💡 The Architecture of Safety — a framework for healing
đź’ˇ The 3 key pillars of inner safety: nervous system literacy, boundaries that bless, and sacred structure
đź’ˇ How perfectionism, people-pleasing, and control once protected me and became my biggest burdens
đź’ˇ The daily practices that help anchor my healing
💡 Reflections from experts like Brené Brown, Pete Walker, and Dr. Richard Schwartz that validate and empower the recovery journey
Whether you're in a 12-step program, navigating grief, or rebuilding your life brick by brick, this episode offers wisdom, warmth, and a powerful reminder: You are safe to rebuild. You belong to yourself.
*Subscribe for more weekly episodes on healing, recovery, and hope
Key Words: #recovery #recoveryjourney #SHEAsked #podcast #traumahealing #12StepRecovery #EmotionalSafety #onedayatatime #SelfCare #NervousSystemHealing #Boundaries #IFS #ComplexPTSD #BreneBrown
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to.
She Asked Tools for PracticalHope.
I'm Anna, your friend and host,and I'm so glad you're here.
In the last episode, I sharedwhat it meant to walk the
open-hearted path of recovery.
Today, I want to talk aboutwhat comes next.
How do we rebuild after thewreckage of chaos, addiction or
(00:25):
trauma?
How do we move from survivalinto sovereignty?
I call this the architecture ofsafety, the inner home we build
brick by brick as we unlearnfear and relearn trust.
Let me take you into a momentfrom my own life.
(00:46):
I like to start with a story,and this just happened recently.
It was a month or so ago afterI began working the SLAA program
this is the Sex and LoveAddictions Anonymous program,
12-step program and I remembersitting down in a room in my
home and I noticed that I didn'tfeel anxious.
(01:07):
I wasn't scanning my phone, Iwasn't looking up on X's, I
wasn't scrolling through socialmedia or trying to fix something
.
I realized I felt safe, notjust externally but internally.
(01:28):
Getting there wasn't a straightline.
I can assure you that I had tomeet three of my biggest
character defects to get therePerfectionism, people-pleasing
and control.
These traits once protected me.
Perfectionism made me feelworthy.
(01:48):
People-pleasing kept me feelingloved and control gave me the
illusion of safety, but inrecovery, they become barriers
to connection and healing.
They become barriers toconnection and healing.
(02:09):
What I was learning in recoverywas also echoed in the research
, and that validation mattered.
It helped me realize that Iwasn't alone and I wasn't crazy.
Dr Brene Brown, whose work onshame and vulnerability has
helped millions whose work onshame and vulnerability has
helped millions describesperfectionism not as a striving
(02:30):
for excellence, but as a shieldagainst the pain of being seen
as flawed.
And Pete Walker, in his work oncomplex PTSD, which was
published back in 2013, explainsthat people-pleasing is often a
trauma response known asspawning, an unconscious
(02:51):
survival strategy that says if Istay agreeable, I'll stay safe.
And Dr Richard C Schwartz, withhis breakthrough work on
internal family systems theory,says that the impulse to control
is understood as a protectivepart, one trying to manage an
(03:14):
inner world that feels chaotic.
So, as it turns out, I wasn'tbroken, I was surviving and now
I could choose to heal.
So let's talk about whatrebuilding looks like.
In my own healing, I came to seethree anchors that made all the
(03:35):
difference.
I call them the pillars ofsafety, but I want you to think
about it.
It's like a structure, ascaffolding that I used to lean
on.
I literally wrapped my lifearound recovery, not the other
way around.
I didn't make recovery fit intomy life, I made my life fit
into recovery, not the other wayaround.
(03:55):
I didn't make recovery fit intomy life, I made my life fit
into recovery.
That's how much I needed it,and I knew this because my
nervous system needed help.
So the first pillar I callnervous system literacy.
This is learning what calmfeels like.
It's recognizing when you're infight, flight, freeze or fawn
(04:19):
to breathe, to pause and to slowdown.
I remember the day when I wasfirst starting my work in
Al-Anon, and it was months intoworking the steps with my
sponsor that I woke up in themorning and I literally felt my
shoulders relax For the firsttime, like ever.
(04:40):
It's as if my nervous systemfinally was ready to let go,
like I had it, like I was beingsupported.
It no longer had to be rigidanymore.
And in recovery there's thisterm.
It's a slogan and it goes likethis one day at a time when I
(05:00):
stay in today, my body softens.
I don't have to solve my wholelife, I just have to breathe
through this hour, this moment,this, whatever it is right in
front of me.
So many of us live our lifeeither in the past, through
(05:20):
ruminating, or in the future,and that's called worrying.
And when we take our bodies,our minds, out of today, we
automatically send our nervoussystem into panic, into
challenge, into trying to bracefor something.
But knowing what safety feelslike isn't enough.
(05:44):
We also need ways to protect it.
That brings me to the nextpillar.
I call it boundaries.
That bless.
So boundaries aren't walls.
They're not meant to be rigid.
They're meant to invite deepertrust within ourselves.
(06:07):
I had to learn to say no withoutguilt and to stop saying yes
when I meant no, just pleaselove me anyway.
And boundaries have reallygrown to be sacred for me
because I used to think, likeboundaries are about the other
person, like what am I going todo so that they don't hurt me?
(06:30):
And the truth is, I've learnedthrough recovery that all these
situations where I was harmed,at least as an adult, I was
participating in them.
I was putting myself in harm'sway, in other words, when I
didn't need to.
Now, it's one thing as a childwhen we're powerless to adults.
(06:52):
It's another thing as an adultto give over your sovereignty to
somebody else because of thingslike people pleasing.
So for me, boundaries have grownto be something more sacred.
They're about me and what am Iwilling to do and what am I no
longer willing to do, either inrelationship to someone else or
(07:16):
in relationship to myself, andthis can cover lots of areas.
For me, self-care hasboundaries.
For me, my work life hasboundaries.
For me also, relationships withother people big boundaries,
and it's really just about me.
What am I no longer going to do?
(07:37):
Because I'm the one who has towake up each day with myself,
and I want to feel good aboutthat.
So my principle from recoverythat I apply here is called
radical honesty without shame.
That means I need to be clear.
What is my part in a situation?
If I'm struggling with someoneor struggling in my own life, I
(07:59):
want to get clarity around whatthat is.
That is the honesty, and Idon't want to feel shame around
it.
There's nothing wrong withstruggle.
There's nothing wrong withstruggling to take care of
yourself or relating to otherpeople.
The thing that's the problem isnot being willing to see it or
not being willing to ask forhelp.
(08:20):
So honesty doesn't meanconfessing your flaws.
It just means telling the truthto yourself, to others, with
kindness, clarity and withself-respect.
Kindness, clarity and withself-respect.
And finally, safety needsrhythm a container, a practice,
(08:44):
a way to root our healing intoour daily life.
That's what brings us to thethird pillar, which I call the
sacred structure.
My healing accelerated when Imade rhythm my ritual.
That included my morningpractices.
So I wake up every morning andthe first thing I do after I go
to the bathroom I meditate andpray.
I've done this now.
(09:06):
I've meditated for about 20years now, but I started prayer
when I began my recovery process, so this is about seven years
ago.
I invited in prayer, and sowhat it does is it creates a
dialogue between me myself andmy spirit and my higher power.
It sets the trajectory for myday.
(09:27):
I start thinking of myself andmy life and my body as something
sacred, and it's the firstthing I do and it really grounds
me in myself.
Then I get up and I journal.
I've got tons of journals foryears now, but the ones lately
(09:49):
have been more structured aroundrecovery perspectives.
Like I have a differentperspective and they they are
12-step related, on every day ofthe week, and so I choose a
different step and I journal onit first thing in the morning.
I have some daily readers and Iread them ahead of journaling
and again, it just informs me,opens me up, grounds me more.
(10:12):
And then I begin my day afterthat by attending a phone
meeting related to one or twodepending on my timing for the
day of the recovery programsthat I'm working.
And so this is the beginning ofmy day.
This is my morning ritual.
It's a part of my self-care.
(10:33):
I don't even think about it, Ijust do it now because it's my
routine, my ritual.
I start my day in that ease andthen I continue it throughout
the day by checking in on myfeelings, checking in through
prayer.
I keep the conversation goingwith myself, with my feelings,
(10:57):
and I use that as a part of mydaily reflection, and it's truly
a structure that helps me.
Whether I'm heading into ameeting, I pray and connect
before that, or if I'm comingout of a meeting, I digest and
reflect on that.
That may sound like a lot, butit's the structure that became
(11:20):
my sanctuary.
It really saved my life, and sothe recovery principle that I
incorporate into that issurrendering what you cannot
control, what I cannot control,we learn through recovery years.
What I cannot control, we learnthrough recovery years.
(11:42):
Other people places, situations, so anything that's outside of
me I can't control.
I've been taught that I can'teven control my first thought.
Yet through practice ofmeditation, prayer, journaling
and recovery, I can redirectevery thought after that.
And, believe me, as somebodywho's been a chronic overthinker
(12:03):
, that was a lot ofrestructuring and I needed that
sacred structure of these dailypractices to help me unlearn and
relearn how to train my mind.
There is no power in sayingthis is not mine to hold, I
(12:24):
don't need to have my hand ineverything.
Recovery has taught me thatsurrender isn't weakness, it's
wisdom, and all of myrelationships, all of my work
has really been benefited by mywillingness to let go.
So I want to invite you toreflect on something when in
(12:47):
your life are you still tryingto earn your safety through
over-efforting control orperformance, and then ask
yourself what would it feel liketo lay that down and begin
building something new from theinside out?
If you can be open toconsidering what is that you're
(13:13):
trying to control, or what hascontrol over you, and try to
incorporate some of thesepractices of self-reflection,
self-study, self-recovery.
I think it may be an opening tosomething more for you.
I know it was for me.
So let's close with a breathand a blessing.
(13:34):
So, together, let's take a longblessing.
So, together, let's take a long, slow, deep breath in and
exhale.
Let it go.
And I want you to say inrepeating after me I am safe to
rest, I am safe to rebuild, I amsafe to belong to myself.
So thank you for joining withme today as we talked about the
(13:58):
architecture of safety,rebuilding after chaos.
Until next time, it's yourfriend and host, anna McBride,
and this is she Asked, wherehealing meets practical hope.
So until soon, be well.
Welcome back to.
She Asked Tools for PracticalHope.
I'm Anna, your friend and host,and I'm so glad you're here.
In the last episode, I sharedwhat it meant to walk the
open-hearted path of recovery.
Today, I want to talk aboutwhat comes next.
How do we rebuild after thewreckage of chaos, addiction or
(00:25):
trauma?
How do we move from survivalinto sovereignty?
I call this the architecture ofsafety, the inner home we build
brick by brick as we unlearnfear and relearn trust.
Let me take you into a momentfrom my own life.
(00:46):
I like to start with a story,and this just happened recently.
It was a month or so ago afterI began working the SLAA program
this is the Sex and LoveAddictions Anonymous program,
12-step program and I remembersitting down in a room in my
home and I noticed that I didn'tfeel anxious.
(01:07):
I wasn't scanning my phone, Iwasn't looking up on X's, I
wasn't scrolling through socialmedia or trying to fix something
.
I realized I felt safe, notjust externally but internally.
(01:28):
Getting there wasn't a straightline.
I can assure you that I had tomeet three of my biggest
character defects to get therePerfectionism, people-pleasing
and control.
These traits once protected me.
Perfectionism made me feelworthy.
(01:48):
People-pleasing kept me feelingloved and control gave me the
illusion of safety, but inrecovery, they become barriers
to connection and healing.
They become barriers toconnection and healing.
(02:09):
What I was learning in recoverywas also echoed in the research
, and that validation mattered.
It helped me realize that Iwasn't alone and I wasn't crazy.
Dr Brene Brown, whose work onshame and vulnerability has
helped millions whose work onshame and vulnerability has
helped millions describesperfectionism not as a striving
(02:30):
for excellence, but as a shieldagainst the pain of being seen
as flawed.
And Pete Walker, in his work oncomplex PTSD, which was
published back in 2013, explainsthat people-pleasing is often a
trauma response known asspawning, an unconscious
(02:51):
survival strategy that says if Istay agreeable, I'll stay safe.
And Dr Richard C Schwartz, withhis breakthrough work on
internal family systems theory,says that the impulse to control
is understood as a protectivepart, one trying to manage an
(03:14):
inner world that feels chaotic.
So, as it turns out, I wasn'tbroken, I was surviving and now
I could choose to heal.
So let's talk about whatrebuilding looks like.
In my own healing, I came to seethree anchors that made all the
(03:35):
difference.
I call them the pillars ofsafety, but I want you to think
about it.
It's like a structure, ascaffolding that I used to lean
on.
I literally wrapped my lifearound recovery, not the other
way around.
I didn't make recovery fit intomy life, I made my life fit
into recovery, not the other wayaround.
(03:55):
I didn't make recovery fit intomy life, I made my life fit
into recovery.
That's how much I needed it,and I knew this because my
nervous system needed help.
So the first pillar I callnervous system literacy.
This is learning what calmfeels like.
It's recognizing when you're infight, flight, freeze or fawn
(04:19):
to breathe, to pause and to slowdown.
I remember the day when I wasfirst starting my work in
Al-Anon, and it was months intoworking the steps with my
sponsor that I woke up in themorning and I literally felt my
shoulders relax For the firsttime, like ever.
(04:40):
It's as if my nervous systemfinally was ready to let go,
like I had it, like I was beingsupported.
It no longer had to be rigidanymore.
And in recovery there's thisterm.
It's a slogan and it goes likethis one day at a time when I
(05:00):
stay in today, my body softens.
I don't have to solve my wholelife, I just have to breathe
through this hour, this moment,this, whatever it is right in
front of me.
So many of us live our lifeeither in the past, through
(05:20):
ruminating, or in the future,and that's called worrying.
And when we take our bodies,our minds, out of today, we
automatically send our nervoussystem into panic, into
challenge, into trying to bracefor something.
But knowing what safety feelslike isn't enough.
(05:44):
We also need ways to protect it.
That brings me to the nextpillar.
I call it boundaries.
That bless.
So boundaries aren't walls.
They're not meant to be rigid.
They're meant to invite deepertrust within ourselves.
(06:07):
I had to learn to say no withoutguilt and to stop saying yes
when I meant no, just pleaselove me anyway.
And boundaries have reallygrown to be sacred for me
because I used to think, likeboundaries are about the other
person, like what am I going todo so that they don't hurt me?
(06:30):
And the truth is, I've learnedthrough recovery that all these
situations where I was harmed,at least as an adult, I was
participating in them.
I was putting myself in harm'sway, in other words, when I
didn't need to.
Now, it's one thing as a childwhen we're powerless to adults.
(06:52):
It's another thing as an adultto give over your sovereignty to
somebody else because of thingslike people pleasing.
So for me, boundaries have grownto be something more sacred.
They're about me and what am Iwilling to do and what am I no
longer willing to do, either inrelationship to someone else or
(07:16):
in relationship to myself, andthis can cover lots of areas.
For me, self-care hasboundaries.
For me, my work life hasboundaries.
For me also, relationships withother people big boundaries,
and it's really just about me.
What am I no longer going to do?
(07:37):
Because I'm the one who has towake up each day with myself,
and I want to feel good aboutthat.
So my principle from recoverythat I apply here is called
radical honesty without shame.
That means I need to be clear.
What is my part in a situation?
If I'm struggling with someoneor struggling in my own life, I
(07:59):
want to get clarity around whatthat is.
That is the honesty, and Idon't want to feel shame around
it.
There's nothing wrong withstruggle.
There's nothing wrong withstruggling to take care of
yourself or relating to otherpeople.
The thing that's the problem isnot being willing to see it or
not being willing to ask forhelp.
(08:20):
So honesty doesn't meanconfessing your flaws.
It just means telling the truthto yourself, to others, with
kindness, clarity and withself-respect.
Kindness, clarity and withself-respect.
And finally, safety needsrhythm a container, a practice,
(08:44):
a way to root our healing intoour daily life.
That's what brings us to thethird pillar, which I call the
sacred structure.
My healing accelerated when Imade rhythm my ritual.
That included my morningpractices.
So I wake up every morning andthe first thing I do after I go
to the bathroom I meditate andpray.
I've done this now.
(09:06):
I've meditated for about 20years now, but I started prayer
when I began my recovery process, so this is about seven years
ago.
I invited in prayer, and sowhat it does is it creates a
dialogue between me myself andmy spirit and my higher power.
It sets the trajectory for myday.
(09:27):
I start thinking of myself andmy life and my body as something
sacred, and it's the firstthing I do and it really grounds
me in myself.
Then I get up and I journal.
I've got tons of journals foryears now, but the ones lately
(09:49):
have been more structured aroundrecovery perspectives.
Like I have a differentperspective and they they are
12-step related, on every day ofthe week, and so I choose a
different step and I journal onit first thing in the morning.
I have some daily readers and Iread them ahead of journaling
and again, it just informs me,opens me up, grounds me more.
(10:12):
And then I begin my day afterthat by attending a phone
meeting related to one or twodepending on my timing for the
day of the recovery programsthat I'm working.
And so this is the beginning ofmy day.
This is my morning ritual.
It's a part of my self-care.
(10:33):
I don't even think about it, Ijust do it now because it's my
routine, my ritual.
I start my day in that ease andthen I continue it throughout
the day by checking in on myfeelings, checking in through
prayer.
I keep the conversation goingwith myself, with my feelings,
(10:57):
and I use that as a part of mydaily reflection, and it's truly
a structure that helps me.
Whether I'm heading into ameeting, I pray and connect
before that, or if I'm comingout of a meeting, I digest and
reflect on that.
That may sound like a lot, butit's the structure that became
(11:20):
my sanctuary.
It really saved my life, and sothe recovery principle that I
incorporate into that issurrendering what you cannot
control, what I cannot control,we learn through recovery years.
What I cannot control, we learnthrough recovery years.
(11:42):
Other people places, situations, so anything that's outside of
me I can't control.
I've been taught that I can'teven control my first thought.
Yet through practice ofmeditation, prayer, journaling
and recovery, I can redirectevery thought after that.
And, believe me, as somebodywho's been a chronic overthinker
(12:03):
, that was a lot ofrestructuring and I needed that
sacred structure of these dailypractices to help me unlearn and
relearn how to train my mind.
There is no power in sayingthis is not mine to hold, I
(12:24):
don't need to have my hand ineverything.
Recovery has taught me thatsurrender isn't weakness, it's
wisdom, and all of myrelationships, all of my work
has really been benefited by mywillingness to let go.
So I want to invite you toreflect on something when in
(12:47):
your life are you still tryingto earn your safety through
over-efforting control orperformance, and then ask
yourself what would it feel liketo lay that down and begin
building something new from theinside out?
If you can be open toconsidering what is that you're
(13:13):
trying to control, or what hascontrol over you, and try to
incorporate some of thesepractices of self-reflection,
self-study, self-recovery.
I think it may be an opening tosomething more for you.
I know it was for me.
So let's close with a breathand a blessing.
(13:34):
So, together, let's take a longblessing.
So, together, let's take a long, slow, deep breath in and
exhale.
Let it go.
And I want you to say inrepeating after me I am safe to
rest, I am safe to rebuild, I amsafe to belong to myself.
So thank you for joining withme today as we talked about the
(13:58):
architecture of safety,rebuilding after chaos.
Until next time, it's yourfriend and host, anna McBride,
and this is she Asked, wherehealing meets practical hope.
So until soon, be well.
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