Singles Partners Marrieds Long Time Marrieds Podcast

Remember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?'

Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance. 

Now let’s remove one of the bicycle...

Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you?

Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance which keeps being played out.

'If you will, I will...

Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner! 

Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not negotiable. They want to be met and Fight/Flight/ Freeze will play out where they have been depleted for some time. (This dynamic is all so unconscious and not readily visible).

Moving in one direction to get Core Emotional Needs met, ...

Couples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual. 

Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “Marriage is not the coming together of two people. It’s a clash of two cultures, two experiences, two memories, two habits, two morals, two values. And that is a f...

Building new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British!

Question: "How are you today". Answer: "I'm fine thank you".

Observation after the automatic response: "I notice you are on strong pain-killers and on crutches...

We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted. 

We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toilet seat (up or do...

Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process.

Some partners need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of the other partner in order to see the relationship from that partner's vantage point and perspective. Interestingly, all partners w...

Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.

When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we were young. A 'someone&apos...

At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up. 

Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the conflict become entrenched a...

When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict.

Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do.

The antidote is to learn to do physical (non-sexual) tou...

Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect.

They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Singles to identify their Core Emotional Needs.

Commit to ...

Here is a summary of some of the topics covered in the programme: “An Eclectic mix” of counselling and psychotherapy models. Those models include psychodynamic, Systemic, CBT, EMDR, EFT, Gottman, how the past has its tentacles in our present and is affecting our future; moving as much issues from the unseen (the unconscious); bring about change – over time. Not quickly, but by small incremental steps, not big leaps; neural pathways...