December 25, 2024 • 44 mins
Happy Holidays you amazing souls! We have a FREE gift for you. It's our transformative "Embody Your Intuition Bundle" and you're going to deepen your intuitive connection like never before! You're going to receive our 7 Ways to Co-Create Life with Your Soul guidebook with two healing meditations. One to connect you deeper with your intuition and your soul's energetic line of purpose. The other is a journey to the Akashic Records to locate your soul's record and explore healing for any issue you want resolution with.
Download the Holiday Gift Here
In this podcast [episode 21] Emily and I are having an honest conversation about Holiday Trauma in an effort to destigmatize the affects of suffering alone. A lot of holiday trauma is exacerbated by the "perfect" family scenarios put forth by media and social norms for you to live up to. The reality is life is messy and so are the holidays! We'll be sharing a little of our experiences before diving into making the most of your holidays despite past or present traumatic scenarios.
The holidays can be a magical time of the year, but it also comes with its heightened stresses and holiday trauma which according to the American Psychology Association affects a whopping 89% of the populace. Grief from holiday trauma is a huge factor, but it's not always as straight forward
as grieving the loss of a loved one.
We'll be offering plenty of tips for how to cope with holiday trauma so you can find more joy this season. We hope this discussion and these tips help you to realize you’re not alone, that we love you and we support your endeavor for healing and desire to experience more joy and togetherness during this season. We Wish You Happy Holidays!
If you're resonating with our podcast and want an insider's scoop then you'll love our Newsletter. We dive into soul inspired topics. Offer guidance with Akashic Record channeled messages. Plus you'll get exclusive updates on offers and discounts like the February 2025 beta launch of our live online course teaching you How to Access your Soul's record in the Akashic Records.
Sign Me Up for the Soul Vibe Insights "Oracle" Newsletter!
Share your thoughts and experiences with how you navigate holiday trauma and stresses with us or ask a question at vibin@soulvibeinsights.com
Loving Light,
Matty and Emily
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Matty (00:00):
Hey there amazing souls and welcome to today's show.
Emily and I are excited tobe back with you during this
holiday season and we want totackle a topic that we both
have a lot of experience withand that is holiday trauma.
Emily (00:15):
Well first I want to say happy holidays, Merry Christmas,
because I know this is goingto air on Christmas day.
So if anyone out there ishaving a hard time making
it through the day, then wehope that we can at least
be some sort of beacon ofcomfort or solace or just to
(00:38):
let you know that you are notalone if you are experiencing
any type of holiday trauma.
There's this picture perfectidea that everyone's family
has to be perfect and lovingand caring and supportive.
And all of these crazy thingsare highlighted in movies
and ads, but that is notthe reality for most people.
(01:01):
Just because perfectdoesn't exist.
I'm not saying that therearen't happy families out
there, I'm just saying theperfect doesn't exist and
there's this kind of like thehappily ever after, there's
this glorified vision of whata happy family looks like, and
it's impossible to live up tobecause perfect doesn't exist.
Matty (01:24):
Yeah, perfect family, perfectly supporting
one another, it's allsmiles all the time.
I just feel like the unconsciousimplication is if your family
growing up or if your liferight now isn't this way, that
you're doing it wrong somehow.
Emily (01:38):
But we're here to experience all of the, all of
the human emotions, all of them.
Matty (01:45):
Reality is just different for pretty much all of us,
for every family out there.
You know, life is all thethings, and it gets messy,
and so do the holidays.
So let's jump in.
Just about everyone hasdealt with some sort of
trauma around the holidays.
According to the AmericanPsychology Association, 89
(02:06):
percent of people reportthat they experience
heightened levels of stressduring the holiday season.
This doesn't break it downwhether it's from a trauma
or it's just a holiday,but experiencing heightened
levels of stress istraumatic in and of itself.
Definitely.
We all have our own way ofdealing and coping, and we
may not even realize thatit's holiday trauma that
we're experiencing duringthis time of the year.
(02:28):
But we just really wanted tomake sure to point out that
you're not alone, that a lotof us are going through this
or have gone through thisand are at different levels
of recovering, healing,empowering ourselves, figuring
out how the holidays workfor us in our own way.
And that's the most importantthing is finding some awareness
(02:48):
and figuring out how to makethis season work for you.
Emily (02:51):
Yeah, this is definitely a topic that Matty and I have
struggled with separatelyand together throughout our
relationship and our marriage.
With each year we are tryingto implement new things to
create more tradition, to createmore joy and more happiness.
And it's really interestingbecause when we started thinking
(03:13):
about this podcast episode.
We started trying to think backabout our lives and we realized
that there, we've had somepretty intense things happen
during holiday breaks as wewere kids and even as adults.
In the reading that I'vebeen doing, like with the
(03:35):
Gene Keys, it talks abouthow we go through these seven
year cycles in our lives.
And so that if somethinghappens like in a younger
seven year cycle, then it willcontinue to be repeated until
it's healed in your life.
And I mean, that's kind of,you know, goes along with
the idea of life lessons andhaving these themes in your
(03:56):
life that keep repeatinguntil you learn the lesson.
So this is definitely somethingthat Matty and I have been
learning and working with.
Matty (04:06):
I was about to say and working with and going through.
And at the other side isgrowth and there's been growth.
Emily (04:12):
Yeah.
I mean, this holiday seasonfeels so much lighter
to us than the past.
Just to give you a littlebit of a background, I mean,
I guess we can both talkseparately about our different
experiences because some of themhappened when we were together.
And then some of themhappened, you know, way before
(04:33):
we even knew each other.
So, I mean, starting out whenI was 12, my parents divorced,
so Christmases were justdifferent from that point on.
And then when I was 14 wemoved with my mother to a
different part of the state,so that in itself was just
like this huge upheaval.
And being moved from, you know,one place, the place that I'd
(04:57):
known all my life to anotherplace that I didn't know anyone.
I had never even been thereprior to moving there,
so it was kind of, uh,it was just a big change.
And then now like drivingback and forth to both of my
parents house, like being far,you know, like an hour away.
(05:18):
And it also was in a differenttime zone, so it was just
kind of like this crazything to get used to for me.
Um, so that was when Iwas 14 starting a new high
school in the middle of myfreshman year of high school.
And then a couple yearslater, three years later, I
(05:39):
ended up having a, I ended upgetting pregnant very young.
I was barely 17 and I was moreor less forced into having
an abortion and that happenedduring Christmas break.
And I was you know, full of somuch shame and it was really
(06:00):
difficult for me to facemyself and face what happened.
And I didn't really havethe emotional support.
I mean, I didn't evenreally realize at the
time, like how difficultit was going to be for me.
You know, in the, just reallyin the following years and, and
continued to be because I firstlost like this idea of family
(06:23):
and togetherness, like with myfamily, and then it was like the
loss of a baby and feeling thatloss of family and togetherness.
And then as I got older,it just seemed like this
holiday break, upheaval hascontinued to be a pattern.
Um, quitting jobsduring the holidays and
(06:43):
having to start fresh.
Crazy things happening witha long time job at a holiday
party and having to quit afterbeing inappropriately touched
and finding out about a bossdoing that to other people and
realizing, you know, fuck this.
(07:04):
So just just I wanted tokind of give a little bit
of background how this isdefinitely something that I I
feel very deeply and that thisis definitely something that I
personally have struggled with.
Matty (07:19):
Yeah, I know for me I have a similar
story of childhood.
My parents, when I was in sixthgrade, I remembered they'd been
fighting more and more and Ididn't sleep a lot at night.
I think they kind of waiteduntil the kids were in
bed, but I would hear themarguing a lot at night.
And then right after Christmas,they said they were separating.
(07:39):
And before New Year's, my dadwas living in a new house.
And the following year,during Thanksgiving break,
mom told my sister and Ithat we were leaving Ohio
and moving to Georgia.
That that was happening and sheand dad were gonna get divorced.
And they divorced right afterChristmas, like the 26th and
we were in a car on the 27th,heading down to Georgia.
(08:02):
So I definitely feel like, Imean I didn't know at the time,
but I lost both the, the ideaof home and family togetherness
right at the holidays.
Like many of us, I've alsoexperienced really close
family members that have passedaway during the holidays.
My grandma passed onChristmas Eve, she was the
(08:24):
matriarch of the family.
Kept everyone together andvisiting and, I have a lot
of good memories of, youknow, 20 to 30 of us hanging
around Mama's house and stuff.
That one's always alittle delicate when the
holiday rolls around.
Holiday trauma always comes withgrief, whether it's actually
from the loss of a loved oneor, you know, the upheaval of
(08:46):
a job or a move or your parentssplitting up or you wish it
was a way that it never was.
And you grieve for nothaving had that opportunity
at life that way, had alittle more togetherness
or supportive family.
So I know that, uh, griefcan be challenging for us
all around the holidays.
I've had some of my own jobupheavals come up around the
(09:09):
holidays and, you know, haveleft jobs or time things around.
And I didn't realizeit was a pattern until
Emily and I started to dothat inner work and self
reflect and self analyze.
And realize like, Oh, Theseare ongoing patterns in our
lives and in some ways I washelping to cement it in and
keep it there by choosingcertain times around the
(09:32):
holidays to create my ownturbulence and chaotic energy.
Even if something wasn't comingout of left field for me.
Emily (09:40):
We were like why are we so depressed during the
holidays, why do we just want tohide out and wish it all away.
Although for many years,we pretty much worked
over the holidays.
I mean, some jobs wedidn't even get, you know,
Christmas Eve off, so therewas a lot of that too.
And then it's like, Oh, ifI don't want to be working,
(10:03):
then I need to be quitting.
Matty (10:05):
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Emily (10:07):
So.
Matty (10:09):
We know that being uprooted in some sense during
the holiday break is somethinga lot of us have experienced.
Like Emily and I sharedour experience, but we know
that this happens with alot of families out there.
There's a two week breakfrom school, so it provides
an opportunity to switchthings up, make moves, change
of directions, you know,and parents seize this.
If you were a part of thisin your childhood or have had
(10:31):
to make these tough choicesas a parent, I know that it,
the trauma can live on thememories of what have happened
and they get associated withthis holiday timeframe too.
Emily (10:40):
Yeah, I will say it was pretty impressive.
My mom somehow moved fromone house to the other.
Well, like while we were withmy dad for, for Christmas Eve
and then we come to the houseon Christmas day and somehow
she had unpacked and put upthe Christmas decorations and
somehow found time to shop.
(11:02):
I mean.
Matty (11:03):
Wow.
Emily (11:04):
Superwoman.
Matty (11:05):
Trying to give you a semblance of something
as normal as she couldlike a holiday celebration.
Emily (11:12):
Yeah.
Matty (11:13):
Wow.
Emily (11:13):
It was pretty incredible, you know,
thinking about all that.
Matty (11:18):
Finding the bright spot within it, right?
When we can.
Emily (11:22):
Okay, moving on.
Matty (11:24):
So talking about the fact that there's a
lot of grief, and it can bestraightforward because we've
lost a loved one or justyou're grieving something
else, some other area, like theloss of family togetherness,
losing a happy home,losing childhood innocense.
Grieving for a lifethat you aren't living,
(11:45):
like the ones on TV.
And I just wanted to say thatit's natural for grief to get
stirred up around these things.
There is nothing wrong with you.
This is natural for it to comeup and to allow yourself to
feel the grief, the sadness,whatever it is you are feeling.
But if you can, the key isto not get lost in it and
(12:09):
attach yourself to it andknow that it will pass.
Emily (12:12):
Yeah, and a good way to do that is to literally
be like, all right, I amfeeling grief right now.
Like, allow yourself to cry,allow yourself to feel sad,
but really try not to, figureit out, because you don't
necessarily have to figureit all out to let it pass.
But I do believe that, youknow, the right memories and
(12:33):
the right things will come toyou when needed so that you can
bring that awareness into yourpsyche to allow it to pass.
But if you stress out too hardby trying to force it, then
it will just make, you know,the pressure a lot harder.
And, and make it a lot moredifficult to deal with.
Matty (12:55):
And I have learned to take solace knowing that
I grieve because I've lovedand because I do love still.
And that there's somethingthat I held dear and that
my heart was capable ofhaving the opposite kind of
feelings, experiencing joyand love and for me to even
have a reason to be grieving.
Emily (13:16):
And I feel like this is true even if you, like,
definitely if you've lostpeople during the holidays, but
I mean, you, even if you lostsomeone at a different part of
the year, you could still bemissing their presence during
the holidays and during, youknow, the family get togethers.
So I think it's completelynatural to have that part of
(13:37):
your heart, you know, thinkingabout that person that you
loved and that person thatyou miss and that you wish.
You know, they were therewith you in your family
celebration or in your, orjust with you in your heart.
Matty (13:53):
That's a real good point, honey.
There are other people thataren't with us anymore that I
sure wish they are when we allget together and we definitely,
we try and remember the funtimes, the love, the uniqueness
of those that aren't thereor what we're longing for.
The silliness, again,counteracting that grief
(14:14):
when we can, where we can.
But just allowingit to be what it is.
And it doesn't define us.
Emily (14:21):
I know.
And if you can, reallyjust try to find support
in your friends and family.
You know, even if that'syour chosen family.
But just, if you're feelingdown or upset, really try
to find something that isjoyful to you, that you
(14:41):
can relish in and enjoy.
Even if it's, you know,Christmas lights or your
puppy dog snuggles, or,you know, a delicious glass
of eggnog or a cupcake.
Matty (14:57):
I was just thinking about Uncle Skip and
he loved backgammon.
Really?
Yeah.
There are times you justplay a game of backgammon
and be like I miss you.
I love you, Uncle Skip.
I can't help but think ofyou when this is happening.
Emily (15:12):
I miss his stories.
And I put this on here too.
This, this can happen any timeof the year, not just during the
holidays, but a lot of time theanniversary of a specific trauma
can show up in your mentally,emotionally, or even physically.
And what I mean by that, theanniversary, like basically
(15:34):
like the date that it happenedand it keeps showing up in your
body or your mental state oryour emotional state, you know,
every subsequent year until youcan really like face and heal.
And when we say heal,when you're healing from
grief, I'm never saying,you know, you forget about
(15:55):
the person that you love.
It's just that you are ableto think about them fondly
and, and not get so triggered.
It's really about slowingdown the triggers, not being
very emotionally heightenedby the thought or by,
you know, what happened.
And so that'sreally what we mean.
We just mean, you know,not being taken out and,
(16:18):
and having to stay inbed for days at a time.
That's it's about beingable to just, you know, pick
yourself up by the bootstrapsand know that it happened.
And accept that it happened,but also feel the feels
about it happening in anyway that you find necessary.
Matty (16:40):
Accept that it happened is huge because that means
you're not in denial or you'renot denying or just trying to
distract yourself from somethingbecause it hurts, because that
loss is creating so much hurt.
There's one surefireway through anything,
and that is through it.
To feel it, because you've livedthrough it already.
But not to deny thosefeelings, to work through them.
(17:02):
Like Emily says, to where youhave your feels, but you're
not losing yourself to itand losing your days to it.
And supporting each other,and finding support is huge.
Emily (17:15):
Being able to ask for help.
Matty (17:16):
Yeah, oh God.
Emily (17:17):
Definitely something I'm working on.
Maybe a lifetime, lifetime work.
Matty (17:23):
That was one of the scariest things for me for a
long time was asking for help,admitting that I even needed
it, even though I didn't, Inever thought I was perfect
or the strongest person ever,but just being able to break
down and be vulnerable toask for help and support.
And then afford that to othersbecause we all can use a little
help and support at times.
Emily (17:45):
Definitely.
And so in this next part,we are going to talk about
some ways that traumacan show up in your body.
And this can be either atthe same time every year.
This could beduring the holidays.
This could be justthings to take notice of.
And so the first one, orthe first group is like,
(18:07):
restlessness, nervousness,jumpiness, twitchiness
just being anticipatoryabout a certain time of
the year, a certain event.
You know, something that justlike really triggers these
feelings within you thatbring up, you know, the trauma
that, that you experienced.
Matty (18:28):
Yep.
For me, this is kind of likethe, some of the unconscious
signals too, that thereis some latent trauma in
here, in the body, becausethe body keeps the score.
And so does youremotional body and that
those energies together.
You know, like havingbig rushes of anxiety
at the idea of spendingtime with certain people.
(18:49):
Or, you know, financialstress, or the expectations,
especially around the holidays.
There can be somefinancial stress and
expectations of loved ones.
And you're trying to, you know,do for them and get the right
gifts together, and, you know,get in the giving season, and
then you got all this holidaystress wrapped up in it too.
(19:11):
You know, that's a, it canbe a tough pill right there
to manage all that wrappedup in one and that, you
know, the body can remember.
Emily (19:19):
Yeah, and this could also manifest as digestive issues,
allergic reactions, headaches,or any other sort of physical
discomfort that happens, youknow, repeatedly year after
year during the same time.
Matty (19:35):
You could have exacerbated feelings of like
sadness, loneliness, isolationand even nostalgia for a
time when it wasn't that waythat it is right now or for
the idea of something younever had but wish you did.
You could have this longing,this nostalgia for things
(19:56):
as well could be showing up.
Emily (19:58):
Yeah, and the last one we have down is that it
could, you know, manifest asdepression or this feeling
of heaviness, like strugglingto just get out of bed or
struggling to do the things thatyou ideally want to get done.
And it's just a littlebit more difficult.
Matty (20:20):
And again, wanted to just sort of reiterate
that a lot of this stuff isexacerbated by what's put out
there for us as some perfectimage of what the holidays
are supposed to go like.
We talked about it right atthe beginning, but I just
wanted to reiterate thatthis shows up in movies and
commercials and social media.
Emily (20:39):
Well, and yeah.
Matty (20:41):
Advertisements.
Emily (20:41):
I mean, advertisements literally try to prey
on your insecurities andon your emotions, trying
to make you feel upsetand bad about yourself.
I mean, not all of them,But a lot of them do.
Because they want you togo out and buy that thing
to make your life better.
Matty (20:58):
Yeah, go get the perfect gift and it'll all be good.
Doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo.
Emily (21:04):
And I do feel like it's important to mention
that, I mean, changeis just a part of life.
I mean, that's really one ofthe only constants is change.
And fearing change or tryingto stop change is really
just going to be more ofa headache than, than it's
(21:27):
worth, because that's justnot something that you can do.
Unfortunately, you can't stopyour family from growing up.
You can't stop yourselffrom growing older.
You can't keep yourchildren young.
That's just not a part ofwhat life is all about.
We're all here to grow.
We're all here to to learnand we're all here to change.
Matty (21:48):
It truly is one of the universal constants.
Growth, expansion,change, contraction.
However you're doingchange, it's movement.
Change is one of those thingsthat we all go through.
Emily (22:05):
Yeah, and I know we mentioned this earlier,
but the reality is justso different for I mean,
everyone's reality is different.
And so whatever your familymay or may not be like, it
is important to just try toappreciate for what it is.
And I mean, obviously ifyou're in an abusive situation,
(22:26):
then it's best to try tofind the support you need
and try to find those, chosenfamily members that, that
do love and support you.
Matty (22:39):
Sometimes the, the family we choose and we create
with others is those bondscan run deep, really deep.
So we wanted to jump into sometips to help manage the holiday
trauma in these times of year.
Emily (22:55):
Yeah, let's lighten
Matty (22:56):
the mood
Emily (22:57):
a little bit.
Matty (22:57):
Alright.
Emily (22:58):
Because it is Christmas after all.
Matty (23:01):
Because the holidays can be, you know, so stressful and
busy, it's really good to makesure that you get enough or
that you give yourself enoughtime for the things that we all
know and we try to do, I hope.
Like enough sleep, rest, momentsof stillness in this crazy
(23:23):
chaotic holiday times whereit feels like everything's
amplified and we got to movequick enough to get it all done.
Are you affording yourselfenough time for play?
To be a kid yourself,have some playtime.
Read something fun.
Play a game, for real.
Literally play.
Emily (23:42):
Sing.
Matty (23:43):
Oh, sing.
Sing is joyful, yeah.
Emily (23:49):
Even if it isn't the crazy holiday songs, but
definitely find a song thatmakes you happy to sing.
Matty (23:57):
Course, exercise.
If you have a routine, orif you don't have a routine.
Holidays are a great timeto make sure you're keeping
up with that routine orstarting an exercise routine.
And something simple, just,we talked about this, uh, I
don't know if it was the lastpodcast or the one before, but,
It's been huge in our livesto have a 30 to 40 minutes and
(24:18):
we do it 4 to 6 times a week.
We've gotten to where we'rereally regular about it.
It has made a world ofdifference in our lives to
have consistent exercise.
Emily (24:27):
Yes.
Emotional, emotionally,mentally and physically, it has
definitely helped us so much.
Matty (24:37):
All the lovely snacking and cookies and treats
during the holiday season,make sure you're getting
enough healthy eating too.
You know, get yourvegetables in.
Cook your own meals.
Taking in the abundance oflife force within healthy
food is always good for you.
Emily (24:56):
Definitely remember to practice self care,
whatever that means to you.
Self love and practicecompassion when you're on the
road or in a busy store orwaiting in line, patience and
compassion can go a long wayin those types of situations.
(25:17):
Make sure you speakkindly to yourself.
But even on the otherside, try to speak kindly
about others in your mind.
Sometimes, you know, it'smore difficult, and sometimes
you might find yourself,like, judging another person.
And, and I mean, that's justhow our mind works, that
we are definitely drawn tojudging others, but just
(25:38):
realize it's a judgment.
And then, either try tocounteract it with something
else, like I try to say, like,I love you or, or just kind
of send love or, you know,just tell yourself you didn't
mean that because, you know,even your thoughts carry
these negative vibrations.
(25:58):
And if you're thinkingnegatively of someone,
especially someone, youknow, you don't know, you're
just kind of, you're sendingout those negative thought
forms out to that personfor, I mean, no reason.
I mean, it may seem likea reason in your mind, but
Matty (26:14):
Oh yeah, I mean, could definitely be frustrated
by an action of theirs orsomething, but I definitely
try to counteract thatif I have a judgment or
a negative thought aboutmyself or about someone else.
I try my best to catch itand, No what I really mean is.
Emily (26:30):
Because I don't want to be spreading that kind of
negative thought forms out.
Matty (26:35):
Well, and if we are, we can add something more
positive, something more lovingby intentionally choosing that
way of thinking, that way ofspeaking, that way of emoting.
It's a choice.
Emily (26:49):
Yeah, and definitely speak kindly to yourself
in your own mind.
And speak kindly aboutyourself when you are talking
about yourself to others.
Like self deprecating,self sabotaging talk is not
helping you or anyone else.
And again, you're like sendingthose negative thought forms
to yourself when you do that.
(27:11):
And so if that's a pattern,I know that that's kind of
an established pattern, youknow, in my family, but if
that's the same in your family,then really try to counteract
that and, and not speaknegatively about yourself.
I mean, you're doing the bestyou can, and I'm sure you are an
amazing person because everyoneis unique and special and
(27:34):
has wonderful gifts to share.
Matty (27:37):
So extend some of that compassion and
acceptance for yourself.
Appreciate and nurture yourunique vibe, your beingness.
Cause that's what life's allabout, just being us, being
you, being me, being we, andbeing totally cool with it.
So another good way to helpyourself out to manage this
(27:58):
time of year is if you'vegot or had some holiday
trauma, like identify or bringawareness to what triggers you.
The more you're awareof, the less you'll be
caught off guard from.
And you'll be able to handlethings better as they come
up because you're doing theinner work ahead of time.
Awareness is a first step towardhealing, holiday trauma, or
(28:21):
at least starting to take someof the power back from things.
With anything, but especiallywith stuff like trauma
and stresses, there can beconscious components, or you
could be consciously awareof triggers, or there could
be unconscious triggers thatyou're not even aware of,
or haven't associated that.
So finding thatawareness is huge.
(28:43):
The conscious stuffwill be more obvious.
You'll probably knowthe scenarios, or know
what frustrates you,what riles you up.
The biggest thing here, andwe'll talk a little more
about this, is if you'reconsciously aware of what's
triggering you, then settingsome boundaries will be huge.
If you're not really sure of theawareness, or like, why you're
(29:07):
consciously getting triggeredby things, then again, be
willing to do some inner work.
Be willing to question yourselfand explore holiday scenarios.
Ask yourself why youfeel triggered with
the holidays coming up.
Or what energy is it duringthe holidays that is similar
to something in your past thatcreates this reaction or this
(29:28):
trigger response within you.
And if you're in the middle ofsomething, like in a moment with
people or at holiday function,be willing to excuse yourself
and step away for a moment.
So you can check in withwhy you're feeling this
way, why you're having thesereactions, why you're feeling
triggered in this moment.
I mean, it may be obvious, like,that something that happened in
(29:48):
that moment that brought it up,but what's the connection that's
creating that trigger, that hugereaction that you're getting?
Especially if you noticethat the way you feel,
the intensity, and what ishappening don't really align.
That means there's somethingtriggering you, triggering
your unconscious, thingsthat are buried, things
that have happened before,triggering a pattern.
(30:09):
Cozy up with your intuitiontrust your responses and
the guidance that you get.
Developing your intuitionwill help you with obviously
holiday trauma that we'retalking about, but it will
help you with anything andeverything to come for the
remainder of your lifetime.
So tap in.
Use your intuition, especiallywhen you're trying to explore
the unconscious stuff.
Emily (30:31):
It could be someone's energy, like coming
together with their energy.
So sometimes, you know, whenit's something like that, it's
a little bit more difficultto, to put your finger on, but
I know, I mean, I know in myfamily, sarcasm is a huge thing.
And so sarcasm can be verytriggering because it is.
It's not really a kindway to communicate.
Matty (30:56):
Oh, sarcasm is big in my family too.
I used to be prettysarcastic until I realized
I don't like how I feelwhen I'm using sarcasm.
It's not really that funny.
Emily (31:07):
Well, really sarcasm is just being a dick and then
being, and then acting likeit's a joke because most of
the time it is aimed to tryto make someone feel bad.
Matty (31:17):
Yeah.
Knock somebody downjust a little and feel
better about yourself.
It doesn't really work,but it's a power play.
It's, it's an energy exchange.
And that's, that's what feelsbetter to somebody is they've,
they've gained a little energy.
Emily (31:30):
Yeah.
Matty (31:31):
Yeah.
Emily (31:31):
Exactly.
So it's an energetic power play.
Matty (31:36):
So the next thing is, I hinted at it, and now we're
going to talk about settingthe necessary boundaries.
Your mental and emotional healthis the most important thing.
And you are ultimatelyresponsible for your own.
We all are.
No one can be responsiblefor our own wellbeing.
I mean, our parents mighttry to for a while, but
(31:57):
ultimately, I mean, especiallywhen you hit adulthood, you're
responsible for your world,your feelings, your mental
makeup, what's happeninghere, the choices you do.
And if you feel like you needto set boundaries in the first
place, It is more than likelythat those that you need
boundaries with aren't goingto be looking out for your
best interests and your mentaland emotional health anyway.
Emily (32:20):
Well, I don't know if that's completely true
because I think boundariesare necessary just period.
Boundaries are teachinganother person your needs
and how to love you.
And so I think that boundariesare necessary with anyone.
Matty (32:37):
That's a really beautiful way to put that.
I was just thinking interms of using boundaries
to keep yourself safe andtake care of your own self.
But you're right.
That isn't completelytrue that because you need
boundaries, that somebody isn'twilling to be on the lookout
for what's best for you.
There are definitely casesthat people are willing to work
with your boundaries and getto know you better and how to
(32:57):
better have that relationship.
How to build that together.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you for that.
Emily (33:04):
Now, if you're setting boundaries with toxic members
of your friendships or family,then it may be a little bit
more difficult because chancesare they have really enjoyed
you not having boundaries andbeing able to take advantage
of of your lack of boundaries.
(33:27):
And a lot of timesresentment stems from not
putting boundaries down.
It's allowing someone else towell, I shouldn't even say it's
about allowing someone else.
But it's about you allowingsomeone else to make requests
and you continue to sayyes when you want to say no
(33:48):
and you're not putting thenecessary boundaries down
to protect yourself fromthis frustration or from
being taken advantage of.
I mean, some peoplewould just love to take
advantage of you all daylong, but it's up to you.
You're the responsible oneto put those boundaries
down in order to keepthat from happening.
Unfortunately, not everyonecan know when enough is enough.
(34:12):
And, sometimes thatrequires mind reading.
Like, when enough isenough, sometimes people
don't realize that.
Cause you know, you're expectingthem to read your mind and
be like, Ugh, how do you notknow this is too much for me?
Matty (34:25):
I just figured you'd say no when, when you
couldn't do that or, youknow, that enough was enough.
I just figured you'd tell me no.
So I just kept asking.
I just kept asking for things.
You just kept saying yes.
I mean,
Emily (34:36):
I just figured what's the problem here.
Yeah.
I just figured you're a fountainto serve me and it's fine.
So it is up to you toplace your own boundaries.
That is important.
Matty (34:48):
And be willing to say no.
It's a two letter word.
It rolls off thetongue so easy, no.
Emily (34:59):
And if the other person is upset, then you
just have to be okay with thatdiscomfort of their upsetness.
I know that's not a word,but it feels, it feels right.
Matty (35:13):
And you're right about the, a lot of resentment is from
not putting boundaries down.
I've spent a lot of my time,or a lot of my life with
resentment and really once Idug into it, I was just mad
at myself because I'd letsomeone push past my boundaries
because I wasn't holding them.
And I wasn't ever sayingno, that it was really me
(35:34):
who I was resentful at.
When for a while I would try topoint the finger at, you know,
well, how can they not know?
They just take too much or it'skind of like, oh, well, if I'm
going to be self responsible,then I need to put my own
boundaries down and hold them.
Yeah, you're so rightabout the way I wanted to
come back to that, causeyou were spot on there.
The last thing I wanted tosay was if you know, you're
(35:56):
going to go to a situationthat you may end up getting
triggered or you want toparticipate in something, but,
you know, there could be somescenarios that unfold that
may not be the best for you.
And it may just be acompletely like totally
cool, fine evening as well.
Like have an exit strategyplan ahead of time.
Just know that if, youknow, X, Y, or Z comes up,
(36:19):
you're just gonna, you know,if you need to, Hey, I,
it's, Oh, look at the time.
I gots to go.
Emily (36:26):
Or if you come with a friend or a significant,
you know, other than.
If there's somebody that youknow specifically that will
trigger you, let them know thatif they see you being cornered
by this specific person,then to come and save you.
So that could be something too.
(36:47):
Or, you know, like Mattysaid, Oh, I got to go now.
Matty (36:52):
Yeah, it's good if you, if you got a buddy and
you can run some interferenceand stuff like that, or just,
you know, someone's keepingan eye on you and you're
keeping an eye on them.
Emily and I have the agreementthat at any time, if we're out
together and one of us comesto the other or looks at it
and just says, we got to go.
Emily (37:09):
Yeah.
If there's ever anyuncomfortableness or any sort
of no questions asked, exactly.
No questions.
Matty (37:16):
It's time to go.
Boom.
When we go.
Emily (37:20):
So let's end on a happy note.
Matty (37:21):
Yes.
Emily (37:22):
A more happy note.
Matty (37:24):
Sometimes you need to create positive new traditions.
I think a lot of times thiscan just boil down to trying
to shift the traditionswithin your family, you know,
try to tweak what goes on.
If there's something thatyou don't really like, try to
instill something different.
Talk to your family about it.
(37:45):
Hey, you know, thisbrings up this for me.
How about we do this instead?
Would everybody be in agreement?
Emily (37:52):
Yeah, I mean, or if it's just a very bad situation, you
know, with your family, thencreate new traditions with your
chosen family or your friends.
Just try to create some sort ofjoy and happiness for yourself
around this time to try to shiftout of those, that, that holiday
(38:14):
trauma that keeps resurfacing.
Just try to, to dosomething to bring joy to
break out of that pattern.
Matty (38:21):
And this isn't about denying it or running from it.
This is about empoweringyourself to create positive
traditions, new ones.
And if that's with yourfamily and friends that
you have and you canshift those things, great.
But like Emily said, oftenthis means creating new
ones with new people in yourlife, with the chosen family.
Emily (38:44):
And you want to make sure that these people are though
are people that help you feelhappier, you know not just
running to the same patternsthat were in your childhood.
Matty (38:56):
Yeah, and you can support each other.
As often when you're choosingyour family there's usually
something similar that's gone onand you have that understanding.
Why you'd even want tocreate some new traditions
together around the holidays.
So, support each other, supportthat new family, those new
friends, those chosen ones.
Emily (39:15):
And more than anything, just try to create some peace
and joy within yourself,whatever that looks like to you.
You know, and you can alwaysstart with basic things.
I mean, if you enjoy puttingup Christmas decorations,
just try to be more mindfulwhen you're doing that.
If you enjoy looking at thelights outside, just try to be
(39:39):
more mindful and more presentwhile you're doing those things
and cultivate that joy within.
I mean, if you like some ofthe tasty treats or hot cocoa
or some mulled cider, whateverbrings joy to you, just
try to be more mindful whenyou're enjoying those things.
(40:00):
And that can help cultivatejoy, starting within.
Matty (40:05):
Relish in it.
Emily (40:07):
Hi honey.
We have a sweet littleAspen barking at us
right now, ruffing at us.
That's how she likesto get our attention.
Matty (40:16):
Yep.
Well, those are the things wewanted to share, experiences
around the holidays andsome tips on how to manage
and navigate if you'reexperiencing stress or have
had some holiday trauma.
Thank you so muchfor joining us today.
If you've been digging whatwe're laying down, cause we sure
love podcasting and sharing ourexperiences and our knowledge.
(40:38):
And this as an artistic formhas been so much fun for us.
It lights us up to reachout and talk to y'all
once a week like this.
Emily and I really enjoy it.
So if you know other likeminded, amazing souls like
yourself, share our podcastswith them, let them know that
we're out here doing this.
We would love to be connectingwith the others that you
(40:59):
know in your world too.
Emily (41:00):
Yeah.
One thing Matty and Ihave always loved in our
entire friendship and ourrelationship in marriage is
we love to dive deep intorelationships with each other.
So it's nice to be able to divein deep with you all as well.
Matty (41:17):
It sure is.
Emily (41:18):
And we really enjoy being together with you in this space.
And we have great gratitude foryour presence with us today.
And we hope that you havea wonderful holiday, rest
of your holiday season.
We're, you know, countingdown the days to 2025.
Oh my God, thatsounds so futuristic.
Matty (41:40):
Doesn't it?
Seeing as it's Christmas today,Emily and I wanted to offer
our guidebook, 7 ways to cocreate with your soul and a
healing meditation bundledtogether for free for anyone
looking to connect deeperwith themselves and they would
like a healing meditation toconnect you deeper to your
intuition and the energeticsof your line of purpose.
(42:02):
There will be a link in thedescription to the show for you.
This will help you recognizethe signs and signals your soul
is sending to you, and how tomove forward in more alignment.
There will be some follow upemails to further instill the
knowledge, and give you tonsof tips on how to better align
with your soul's calling.
And the meditation is designedto be listened to anytime you
need to relax, connect deep,and invigorate your calling.
(42:25):
And we know this topic todayof trauma around the holidays
is huge, and quite oftendeeply personal to each of us.
If you have somethingto add that we didn't
cover, send us an email.
Tell us what you doto manage the holiday
trauma, or your stressesaround this time of year.
Or if you just want to shareyour experience, or what's
(42:45):
happened in your life.
We're here for you.
We'd love to know what's goingon with you and on your mind.
As always, there will bea link in the description
for a way to email us.
I always put that inevery show's notes.
We sure hope this discussionand these tips have helped
you realize that you're notalone and that we love you
and we support your endeavorfor healing and your desire
(43:08):
to experience more joy andtogetherness during this season.
Emily and I wish you a happyholidays, a merry Christmas, and
a whatever you celebrate to beas joyous as possible for you.
Emily (43:21):
Yes.
Happy holidays.
We'll see you nextweek on new Year's.
Matty (43:28):
Yeah.
Much love y'all.
Bye.
Emily (43:30):
Bye.
Hey there amazing souls and welcome to today's show.
Emily and I are excited tobe back with you during this
holiday season and we want totackle a topic that we both
have a lot of experience withand that is holiday trauma.
Emily (00:15):
Well first I want to say happy holidays, Merry Christmas,
because I know this is goingto air on Christmas day.
So if anyone out there ishaving a hard time making
it through the day, then wehope that we can at least
be some sort of beacon ofcomfort or solace or just to
(00:38):
let you know that you are notalone if you are experiencing
any type of holiday trauma.
There's this picture perfectidea that everyone's family
has to be perfect and lovingand caring and supportive.
And all of these crazy thingsare highlighted in movies
and ads, but that is notthe reality for most people.
(01:01):
Just because perfectdoesn't exist.
I'm not saying that therearen't happy families out
there, I'm just saying theperfect doesn't exist and
there's this kind of like thehappily ever after, there's
this glorified vision of whata happy family looks like, and
it's impossible to live up tobecause perfect doesn't exist.
Matty (01:24):
Yeah, perfect family, perfectly supporting
one another, it's allsmiles all the time.
I just feel like the unconsciousimplication is if your family
growing up or if your liferight now isn't this way, that
you're doing it wrong somehow.
Emily (01:38):
But we're here to experience all of the, all of
the human emotions, all of them.
Matty (01:45):
Reality is just different for pretty much all of us,
for every family out there.
You know, life is all thethings, and it gets messy,
and so do the holidays.
So let's jump in.
Just about everyone hasdealt with some sort of
trauma around the holidays.
According to the AmericanPsychology Association, 89
(02:06):
percent of people reportthat they experience
heightened levels of stressduring the holiday season.
This doesn't break it downwhether it's from a trauma
or it's just a holiday,but experiencing heightened
levels of stress istraumatic in and of itself.
Definitely.
We all have our own way ofdealing and coping, and we
may not even realize thatit's holiday trauma that
we're experiencing duringthis time of the year.
(02:28):
But we just really wanted tomake sure to point out that
you're not alone, that a lotof us are going through this
or have gone through thisand are at different levels
of recovering, healing,empowering ourselves, figuring
out how the holidays workfor us in our own way.
And that's the most importantthing is finding some awareness
(02:48):
and figuring out how to makethis season work for you.
Emily (02:51):
Yeah, this is definitely a topic that Matty and I have
struggled with separatelyand together throughout our
relationship and our marriage.
With each year we are tryingto implement new things to
create more tradition, to createmore joy and more happiness.
And it's really interestingbecause when we started thinking
(03:13):
about this podcast episode.
We started trying to think backabout our lives and we realized
that there, we've had somepretty intense things happen
during holiday breaks as wewere kids and even as adults.
In the reading that I'vebeen doing, like with the
(03:35):
Gene Keys, it talks abouthow we go through these seven
year cycles in our lives.
And so that if somethinghappens like in a younger
seven year cycle, then it willcontinue to be repeated until
it's healed in your life.
And I mean, that's kind of,you know, goes along with
the idea of life lessons andhaving these themes in your
(03:56):
life that keep repeatinguntil you learn the lesson.
So this is definitely somethingthat Matty and I have been
learning and working with.
Matty (04:06):
I was about to say and working with and going through.
And at the other side isgrowth and there's been growth.
Emily (04:12):
Yeah.
I mean, this holiday seasonfeels so much lighter
to us than the past.
Just to give you a littlebit of a background, I mean,
I guess we can both talkseparately about our different
experiences because some of themhappened when we were together.
And then some of themhappened, you know, way before
(04:33):
we even knew each other.
So, I mean, starting out whenI was 12, my parents divorced,
so Christmases were justdifferent from that point on.
And then when I was 14 wemoved with my mother to a
different part of the state,so that in itself was just
like this huge upheaval.
And being moved from, you know,one place, the place that I'd
(04:57):
known all my life to anotherplace that I didn't know anyone.
I had never even been thereprior to moving there,
so it was kind of, uh,it was just a big change.
And then now like drivingback and forth to both of my
parents house, like being far,you know, like an hour away.
(05:18):
And it also was in a differenttime zone, so it was just
kind of like this crazything to get used to for me.
Um, so that was when Iwas 14 starting a new high
school in the middle of myfreshman year of high school.
And then a couple yearslater, three years later, I
(05:39):
ended up having a, I ended upgetting pregnant very young.
I was barely 17 and I was moreor less forced into having
an abortion and that happenedduring Christmas break.
And I was you know, full of somuch shame and it was really
(06:00):
difficult for me to facemyself and face what happened.
And I didn't really havethe emotional support.
I mean, I didn't evenreally realize at the
time, like how difficultit was going to be for me.
You know, in the, just reallyin the following years and, and
continued to be because I firstlost like this idea of family
(06:23):
and togetherness, like with myfamily, and then it was like the
loss of a baby and feeling thatloss of family and togetherness.
And then as I got older,it just seemed like this
holiday break, upheaval hascontinued to be a pattern.
Um, quitting jobsduring the holidays and
(06:43):
having to start fresh.
Crazy things happening witha long time job at a holiday
party and having to quit afterbeing inappropriately touched
and finding out about a bossdoing that to other people and
realizing, you know, fuck this.
(07:04):
So just just I wanted tokind of give a little bit
of background how this isdefinitely something that I I
feel very deeply and that thisis definitely something that I
personally have struggled with.
Matty (07:19):
Yeah, I know for me I have a similar
story of childhood.
My parents, when I was in sixthgrade, I remembered they'd been
fighting more and more and Ididn't sleep a lot at night.
I think they kind of waiteduntil the kids were in
bed, but I would hear themarguing a lot at night.
And then right after Christmas,they said they were separating.
(07:39):
And before New Year's, my dadwas living in a new house.
And the following year,during Thanksgiving break,
mom told my sister and Ithat we were leaving Ohio
and moving to Georgia.
That that was happening and sheand dad were gonna get divorced.
And they divorced right afterChristmas, like the 26th and
we were in a car on the 27th,heading down to Georgia.
(08:02):
So I definitely feel like, Imean I didn't know at the time,
but I lost both the, the ideaof home and family togetherness
right at the holidays.
Like many of us, I've alsoexperienced really close
family members that have passedaway during the holidays.
My grandma passed onChristmas Eve, she was the
(08:24):
matriarch of the family.
Kept everyone together andvisiting and, I have a lot
of good memories of, youknow, 20 to 30 of us hanging
around Mama's house and stuff.
That one's always alittle delicate when the
holiday rolls around.
Holiday trauma always comes withgrief, whether it's actually
from the loss of a loved oneor, you know, the upheaval of
(08:46):
a job or a move or your parentssplitting up or you wish it
was a way that it never was.
And you grieve for nothaving had that opportunity
at life that way, had alittle more togetherness
or supportive family.
So I know that, uh, griefcan be challenging for us
all around the holidays.
I've had some of my own jobupheavals come up around the
(09:09):
holidays and, you know, haveleft jobs or time things around.
And I didn't realizeit was a pattern until
Emily and I started to dothat inner work and self
reflect and self analyze.
And realize like, Oh, Theseare ongoing patterns in our
lives and in some ways I washelping to cement it in and
keep it there by choosingcertain times around the
(09:32):
holidays to create my ownturbulence and chaotic energy.
Even if something wasn't comingout of left field for me.
Emily (09:40):
We were like why are we so depressed during the
holidays, why do we just want tohide out and wish it all away.
Although for many years,we pretty much worked
over the holidays.
I mean, some jobs wedidn't even get, you know,
Christmas Eve off, so therewas a lot of that too.
And then it's like, Oh, ifI don't want to be working,
(10:03):
then I need to be quitting.
Matty (10:05):
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Emily (10:07):
So.
Matty (10:09):
We know that being uprooted in some sense during
the holiday break is somethinga lot of us have experienced.
Like Emily and I sharedour experience, but we know
that this happens with alot of families out there.
There's a two week breakfrom school, so it provides
an opportunity to switchthings up, make moves, change
of directions, you know,and parents seize this.
If you were a part of thisin your childhood or have had
(10:31):
to make these tough choicesas a parent, I know that it,
the trauma can live on thememories of what have happened
and they get associated withthis holiday timeframe too.
Emily (10:40):
Yeah, I will say it was pretty impressive.
My mom somehow moved fromone house to the other.
Well, like while we were withmy dad for, for Christmas Eve
and then we come to the houseon Christmas day and somehow
she had unpacked and put upthe Christmas decorations and
somehow found time to shop.
(11:02):
I mean.
Matty (11:03):
Wow.
Emily (11:04):
Superwoman.
Matty (11:05):
Trying to give you a semblance of something
as normal as she couldlike a holiday celebration.
Emily (11:12):
Yeah.
Matty (11:13):
Wow.
Emily (11:13):
It was pretty incredible, you know,
thinking about all that.
Matty (11:18):
Finding the bright spot within it, right?
When we can.
Emily (11:22):
Okay, moving on.
Matty (11:24):
So talking about the fact that there's a
lot of grief, and it can bestraightforward because we've
lost a loved one or justyou're grieving something
else, some other area, like theloss of family togetherness,
losing a happy home,losing childhood innocense.
Grieving for a lifethat you aren't living,
(11:45):
like the ones on TV.
And I just wanted to say thatit's natural for grief to get
stirred up around these things.
There is nothing wrong with you.
This is natural for it to comeup and to allow yourself to
feel the grief, the sadness,whatever it is you are feeling.
But if you can, the key isto not get lost in it and
(12:09):
attach yourself to it andknow that it will pass.
Emily (12:12):
Yeah, and a good way to do that is to literally
be like, all right, I amfeeling grief right now.
Like, allow yourself to cry,allow yourself to feel sad,
but really try not to, figureit out, because you don't
necessarily have to figureit all out to let it pass.
But I do believe that, youknow, the right memories and
(12:33):
the right things will come toyou when needed so that you can
bring that awareness into yourpsyche to allow it to pass.
But if you stress out too hardby trying to force it, then
it will just make, you know,the pressure a lot harder.
And, and make it a lot moredifficult to deal with.
Matty (12:55):
And I have learned to take solace knowing that
I grieve because I've lovedand because I do love still.
And that there's somethingthat I held dear and that
my heart was capable ofhaving the opposite kind of
feelings, experiencing joyand love and for me to even
have a reason to be grieving.
Emily (13:16):
And I feel like this is true even if you, like,
definitely if you've lostpeople during the holidays, but
I mean, you, even if you lostsomeone at a different part of
the year, you could still bemissing their presence during
the holidays and during, youknow, the family get togethers.
So I think it's completelynatural to have that part of
(13:37):
your heart, you know, thinkingabout that person that you
loved and that person thatyou miss and that you wish.
You know, they were therewith you in your family
celebration or in your, orjust with you in your heart.
Matty (13:53):
That's a real good point, honey.
There are other people thataren't with us anymore that I
sure wish they are when we allget together and we definitely,
we try and remember the funtimes, the love, the uniqueness
of those that aren't thereor what we're longing for.
The silliness, again,counteracting that grief
(14:14):
when we can, where we can.
But just allowingit to be what it is.
And it doesn't define us.
Emily (14:21):
I know.
And if you can, reallyjust try to find support
in your friends and family.
You know, even if that'syour chosen family.
But just, if you're feelingdown or upset, really try
to find something that isjoyful to you, that you
(14:41):
can relish in and enjoy.
Even if it's, you know,Christmas lights or your
puppy dog snuggles, or,you know, a delicious glass
of eggnog or a cupcake.
Matty (14:57):
I was just thinking about Uncle Skip and
he loved backgammon.
Really?
Yeah.
There are times you justplay a game of backgammon
and be like I miss you.
I love you, Uncle Skip.
I can't help but think ofyou when this is happening.
Emily (15:12):
I miss his stories.
And I put this on here too.
This, this can happen any timeof the year, not just during the
holidays, but a lot of time theanniversary of a specific trauma
can show up in your mentally,emotionally, or even physically.
And what I mean by that, theanniversary, like basically
(15:34):
like the date that it happenedand it keeps showing up in your
body or your mental state oryour emotional state, you know,
every subsequent year until youcan really like face and heal.
And when we say heal,when you're healing from
grief, I'm never saying,you know, you forget about
(15:55):
the person that you love.
It's just that you are ableto think about them fondly
and, and not get so triggered.
It's really about slowingdown the triggers, not being
very emotionally heightenedby the thought or by,
you know, what happened.
And so that'sreally what we mean.
We just mean, you know,not being taken out and,
(16:18):
and having to stay inbed for days at a time.
That's it's about beingable to just, you know, pick
yourself up by the bootstrapsand know that it happened.
And accept that it happened,but also feel the feels
about it happening in anyway that you find necessary.
Matty (16:40):
Accept that it happened is huge because that means
you're not in denial or you'renot denying or just trying to
distract yourself from somethingbecause it hurts, because that
loss is creating so much hurt.
There's one surefireway through anything,
and that is through it.
To feel it, because you've livedthrough it already.
But not to deny thosefeelings, to work through them.
(17:02):
Like Emily says, to where youhave your feels, but you're
not losing yourself to itand losing your days to it.
And supporting each other,and finding support is huge.
Emily (17:15):
Being able to ask for help.
Matty (17:16):
Yeah, oh God.
Emily (17:17):
Definitely something I'm working on.
Maybe a lifetime, lifetime work.
Matty (17:23):
That was one of the scariest things for me for a
long time was asking for help,admitting that I even needed
it, even though I didn't, Inever thought I was perfect
or the strongest person ever,but just being able to break
down and be vulnerable toask for help and support.
And then afford that to othersbecause we all can use a little
help and support at times.
Emily (17:45):
Definitely.
And so in this next part,we are going to talk about
some ways that traumacan show up in your body.
And this can be either atthe same time every year.
This could beduring the holidays.
This could be justthings to take notice of.
And so the first one, orthe first group is like,
(18:07):
restlessness, nervousness,jumpiness, twitchiness
just being anticipatoryabout a certain time of
the year, a certain event.
You know, something that justlike really triggers these
feelings within you thatbring up, you know, the trauma
that, that you experienced.
Matty (18:28):
Yep.
For me, this is kind of likethe, some of the unconscious
signals too, that thereis some latent trauma in
here, in the body, becausethe body keeps the score.
And so does youremotional body and that
those energies together.
You know, like havingbig rushes of anxiety
at the idea of spendingtime with certain people.
(18:49):
Or, you know, financialstress, or the expectations,
especially around the holidays.
There can be somefinancial stress and
expectations of loved ones.
And you're trying to, you know,do for them and get the right
gifts together, and, you know,get in the giving season, and
then you got all this holidaystress wrapped up in it too.
(19:11):
You know, that's a, it canbe a tough pill right there
to manage all that wrappedup in one and that, you
know, the body can remember.
Emily (19:19):
Yeah, and this could also manifest as digestive issues,
allergic reactions, headaches,or any other sort of physical
discomfort that happens, youknow, repeatedly year after
year during the same time.
Matty (19:35):
You could have exacerbated feelings of like
sadness, loneliness, isolationand even nostalgia for a
time when it wasn't that waythat it is right now or for
the idea of something younever had but wish you did.
You could have this longing,this nostalgia for things
(19:56):
as well could be showing up.
Emily (19:58):
Yeah, and the last one we have down is that it
could, you know, manifest asdepression or this feeling
of heaviness, like strugglingto just get out of bed or
struggling to do the things thatyou ideally want to get done.
And it's just a littlebit more difficult.
Matty (20:20):
And again, wanted to just sort of reiterate
that a lot of this stuff isexacerbated by what's put out
there for us as some perfectimage of what the holidays
are supposed to go like.
We talked about it right atthe beginning, but I just
wanted to reiterate thatthis shows up in movies and
commercials and social media.
Emily (20:39):
Well, and yeah.
Matty (20:41):
Advertisements.
Emily (20:41):
I mean, advertisements literally try to prey
on your insecurities andon your emotions, trying
to make you feel upsetand bad about yourself.
I mean, not all of them,But a lot of them do.
Because they want you togo out and buy that thing
to make your life better.
Matty (20:58):
Yeah, go get the perfect gift and it'll all be good.
Doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo.
Emily (21:04):
And I do feel like it's important to mention
that, I mean, changeis just a part of life.
I mean, that's really one ofthe only constants is change.
And fearing change or tryingto stop change is really
just going to be more ofa headache than, than it's
(21:27):
worth, because that's justnot something that you can do.
Unfortunately, you can't stopyour family from growing up.
You can't stop yourselffrom growing older.
You can't keep yourchildren young.
That's just not a part ofwhat life is all about.
We're all here to grow.
We're all here to to learnand we're all here to change.
Matty (21:48):
It truly is one of the universal constants.
Growth, expansion,change, contraction.
However you're doingchange, it's movement.
Change is one of those thingsthat we all go through.
Emily (22:05):
Yeah, and I know we mentioned this earlier,
but the reality is justso different for I mean,
everyone's reality is different.
And so whatever your familymay or may not be like, it
is important to just try toappreciate for what it is.
And I mean, obviously ifyou're in an abusive situation,
(22:26):
then it's best to try tofind the support you need
and try to find those, chosenfamily members that, that
do love and support you.
Matty (22:39):
Sometimes the, the family we choose and we create
with others is those bondscan run deep, really deep.
So we wanted to jump into sometips to help manage the holiday
trauma in these times of year.
Emily (22:55):
Yeah, let's lighten
Matty (22:56):
the mood
Emily (22:57):
a little bit.
Matty (22:57):
Alright.
Emily (22:58):
Because it is Christmas after all.
Matty (23:01):
Because the holidays can be, you know, so stressful and
busy, it's really good to makesure that you get enough or
that you give yourself enoughtime for the things that we all
know and we try to do, I hope.
Like enough sleep, rest, momentsof stillness in this crazy
(23:23):
chaotic holiday times whereit feels like everything's
amplified and we got to movequick enough to get it all done.
Are you affording yourselfenough time for play?
To be a kid yourself,have some playtime.
Read something fun.
Play a game, for real.
Literally play.
Emily (23:42):
Sing.
Matty (23:43):
Oh, sing.
Sing is joyful, yeah.
Emily (23:49):
Even if it isn't the crazy holiday songs, but
definitely find a song thatmakes you happy to sing.
Matty (23:57):
Course, exercise.
If you have a routine, orif you don't have a routine.
Holidays are a great timeto make sure you're keeping
up with that routine orstarting an exercise routine.
And something simple, just,we talked about this, uh, I
don't know if it was the lastpodcast or the one before, but,
It's been huge in our livesto have a 30 to 40 minutes and
(24:18):
we do it 4 to 6 times a week.
We've gotten to where we'rereally regular about it.
It has made a world ofdifference in our lives to
have consistent exercise.
Emily (24:27):
Yes.
Emotional, emotionally,mentally and physically, it has
definitely helped us so much.
Matty (24:37):
All the lovely snacking and cookies and treats
during the holiday season,make sure you're getting
enough healthy eating too.
You know, get yourvegetables in.
Cook your own meals.
Taking in the abundance oflife force within healthy
food is always good for you.
Emily (24:56):
Definitely remember to practice self care,
whatever that means to you.
Self love and practicecompassion when you're on the
road or in a busy store orwaiting in line, patience and
compassion can go a long wayin those types of situations.
(25:17):
Make sure you speakkindly to yourself.
But even on the otherside, try to speak kindly
about others in your mind.
Sometimes, you know, it'smore difficult, and sometimes
you might find yourself,like, judging another person.
And, and I mean, that's justhow our mind works, that
we are definitely drawn tojudging others, but just
(25:38):
realize it's a judgment.
And then, either try tocounteract it with something
else, like I try to say, like,I love you or, or just kind
of send love or, you know,just tell yourself you didn't
mean that because, you know,even your thoughts carry
these negative vibrations.
(25:58):
And if you're thinkingnegatively of someone,
especially someone, youknow, you don't know, you're
just kind of, you're sendingout those negative thought
forms out to that personfor, I mean, no reason.
I mean, it may seem likea reason in your mind, but
Matty (26:14):
Oh yeah, I mean, could definitely be frustrated
by an action of theirs orsomething, but I definitely
try to counteract thatif I have a judgment or
a negative thought aboutmyself or about someone else.
I try my best to catch itand, No what I really mean is.
Emily (26:30):
Because I don't want to be spreading that kind of
negative thought forms out.
Matty (26:35):
Well, and if we are, we can add something more
positive, something more lovingby intentionally choosing that
way of thinking, that way ofspeaking, that way of emoting.
It's a choice.
Emily (26:49):
Yeah, and definitely speak kindly to yourself
in your own mind.
And speak kindly aboutyourself when you are talking
about yourself to others.
Like self deprecating,self sabotaging talk is not
helping you or anyone else.
And again, you're like sendingthose negative thought forms
to yourself when you do that.
(27:11):
And so if that's a pattern,I know that that's kind of
an established pattern, youknow, in my family, but if
that's the same in your family,then really try to counteract
that and, and not speaknegatively about yourself.
I mean, you're doing the bestyou can, and I'm sure you are an
amazing person because everyoneis unique and special and
(27:34):
has wonderful gifts to share.
Matty (27:37):
So extend some of that compassion and
acceptance for yourself.
Appreciate and nurture yourunique vibe, your beingness.
Cause that's what life's allabout, just being us, being
you, being me, being we, andbeing totally cool with it.
So another good way to helpyourself out to manage this
(27:58):
time of year is if you'vegot or had some holiday
trauma, like identify or bringawareness to what triggers you.
The more you're awareof, the less you'll be
caught off guard from.
And you'll be able to handlethings better as they come
up because you're doing theinner work ahead of time.
Awareness is a first step towardhealing, holiday trauma, or
(28:21):
at least starting to take someof the power back from things.
With anything, but especiallywith stuff like trauma
and stresses, there can beconscious components, or you
could be consciously awareof triggers, or there could
be unconscious triggers thatyou're not even aware of,
or haven't associated that.
So finding thatawareness is huge.
(28:43):
The conscious stuffwill be more obvious.
You'll probably knowthe scenarios, or know
what frustrates you,what riles you up.
The biggest thing here, andwe'll talk a little more
about this, is if you'reconsciously aware of what's
triggering you, then settingsome boundaries will be huge.
If you're not really sure of theawareness, or like, why you're
(29:07):
consciously getting triggeredby things, then again, be
willing to do some inner work.
Be willing to question yourselfand explore holiday scenarios.
Ask yourself why youfeel triggered with
the holidays coming up.
Or what energy is it duringthe holidays that is similar
to something in your past thatcreates this reaction or this
(29:28):
trigger response within you.
And if you're in the middle ofsomething, like in a moment with
people or at holiday function,be willing to excuse yourself
and step away for a moment.
So you can check in withwhy you're feeling this
way, why you're having thesereactions, why you're feeling
triggered in this moment.
I mean, it may be obvious, like,that something that happened in
(29:48):
that moment that brought it up,but what's the connection that's
creating that trigger, that hugereaction that you're getting?
Especially if you noticethat the way you feel,
the intensity, and what ishappening don't really align.
That means there's somethingtriggering you, triggering
your unconscious, thingsthat are buried, things
that have happened before,triggering a pattern.
(30:09):
Cozy up with your intuitiontrust your responses and
the guidance that you get.
Developing your intuitionwill help you with obviously
holiday trauma that we'retalking about, but it will
help you with anything andeverything to come for the
remainder of your lifetime.
So tap in.
Use your intuition, especiallywhen you're trying to explore
the unconscious stuff.
Emily (30:31):
It could be someone's energy, like coming
together with their energy.
So sometimes, you know, whenit's something like that, it's
a little bit more difficultto, to put your finger on, but
I know, I mean, I know in myfamily, sarcasm is a huge thing.
And so sarcasm can be verytriggering because it is.
It's not really a kindway to communicate.
Matty (30:56):
Oh, sarcasm is big in my family too.
I used to be prettysarcastic until I realized
I don't like how I feelwhen I'm using sarcasm.
It's not really that funny.
Emily (31:07):
Well, really sarcasm is just being a dick and then
being, and then acting likeit's a joke because most of
the time it is aimed to tryto make someone feel bad.
Matty (31:17):
Yeah.
Knock somebody downjust a little and feel
better about yourself.
It doesn't really work,but it's a power play.
It's, it's an energy exchange.
And that's, that's what feelsbetter to somebody is they've,
they've gained a little energy.
Emily (31:30):
Yeah.
Matty (31:31):
Yeah.
Emily (31:31):
Exactly.
So it's an energetic power play.
Matty (31:36):
So the next thing is, I hinted at it, and now we're
going to talk about settingthe necessary boundaries.
Your mental and emotional healthis the most important thing.
And you are ultimatelyresponsible for your own.
We all are.
No one can be responsiblefor our own wellbeing.
I mean, our parents mighttry to for a while, but
(31:57):
ultimately, I mean, especiallywhen you hit adulthood, you're
responsible for your world,your feelings, your mental
makeup, what's happeninghere, the choices you do.
And if you feel like you needto set boundaries in the first
place, It is more than likelythat those that you need
boundaries with aren't goingto be looking out for your
best interests and your mentaland emotional health anyway.
Emily (32:20):
Well, I don't know if that's completely true
because I think boundariesare necessary just period.
Boundaries are teachinganother person your needs
and how to love you.
And so I think that boundariesare necessary with anyone.
Matty (32:37):
That's a really beautiful way to put that.
I was just thinking interms of using boundaries
to keep yourself safe andtake care of your own self.
But you're right.
That isn't completelytrue that because you need
boundaries, that somebody isn'twilling to be on the lookout
for what's best for you.
There are definitely casesthat people are willing to work
with your boundaries and getto know you better and how to
(32:57):
better have that relationship.
How to build that together.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you for that.
Emily (33:04):
Now, if you're setting boundaries with toxic members
of your friendships or family,then it may be a little bit
more difficult because chancesare they have really enjoyed
you not having boundaries andbeing able to take advantage
of of your lack of boundaries.
(33:27):
And a lot of timesresentment stems from not
putting boundaries down.
It's allowing someone else towell, I shouldn't even say it's
about allowing someone else.
But it's about you allowingsomeone else to make requests
and you continue to sayyes when you want to say no
(33:48):
and you're not putting thenecessary boundaries down
to protect yourself fromthis frustration or from
being taken advantage of.
I mean, some peoplewould just love to take
advantage of you all daylong, but it's up to you.
You're the responsible oneto put those boundaries
down in order to keepthat from happening.
Unfortunately, not everyonecan know when enough is enough.
(34:12):
And, sometimes thatrequires mind reading.
Like, when enough isenough, sometimes people
don't realize that.
Cause you know, you're expectingthem to read your mind and
be like, Ugh, how do you notknow this is too much for me?
Matty (34:25):
I just figured you'd say no when, when you
couldn't do that or, youknow, that enough was enough.
I just figured you'd tell me no.
So I just kept asking.
I just kept asking for things.
You just kept saying yes.
I mean,
Emily (34:36):
I just figured what's the problem here.
Yeah.
I just figured you're a fountainto serve me and it's fine.
So it is up to you toplace your own boundaries.
That is important.
Matty (34:48):
And be willing to say no.
It's a two letter word.
It rolls off thetongue so easy, no.
Emily (34:59):
And if the other person is upset, then you
just have to be okay with thatdiscomfort of their upsetness.
I know that's not a word,but it feels, it feels right.
Matty (35:13):
And you're right about the, a lot of resentment is from
not putting boundaries down.
I've spent a lot of my time,or a lot of my life with
resentment and really once Idug into it, I was just mad
at myself because I'd letsomeone push past my boundaries
because I wasn't holding them.
And I wasn't ever sayingno, that it was really me
(35:34):
who I was resentful at.
When for a while I would try topoint the finger at, you know,
well, how can they not know?
They just take too much or it'skind of like, oh, well, if I'm
going to be self responsible,then I need to put my own
boundaries down and hold them.
Yeah, you're so rightabout the way I wanted to
come back to that, causeyou were spot on there.
The last thing I wanted tosay was if you know, you're
(35:56):
going to go to a situationthat you may end up getting
triggered or you want toparticipate in something, but,
you know, there could be somescenarios that unfold that
may not be the best for you.
And it may just be acompletely like totally
cool, fine evening as well.
Like have an exit strategyplan ahead of time.
Just know that if, youknow, X, Y, or Z comes up,
(36:19):
you're just gonna, you know,if you need to, Hey, I,
it's, Oh, look at the time.
I gots to go.
Emily (36:26):
Or if you come with a friend or a significant,
you know, other than.
If there's somebody that youknow specifically that will
trigger you, let them know thatif they see you being cornered
by this specific person,then to come and save you.
So that could be something too.
(36:47):
Or, you know, like Mattysaid, Oh, I got to go now.
Matty (36:52):
Yeah, it's good if you, if you got a buddy and
you can run some interferenceand stuff like that, or just,
you know, someone's keepingan eye on you and you're
keeping an eye on them.
Emily and I have the agreementthat at any time, if we're out
together and one of us comesto the other or looks at it
and just says, we got to go.
Emily (37:09):
Yeah.
If there's ever anyuncomfortableness or any sort
of no questions asked, exactly.
No questions.
Matty (37:16):
It's time to go.
Boom.
When we go.
Emily (37:20):
So let's end on a happy note.
Matty (37:21):
Yes.
Emily (37:22):
A more happy note.
Matty (37:24):
Sometimes you need to create positive new traditions.
I think a lot of times thiscan just boil down to trying
to shift the traditionswithin your family, you know,
try to tweak what goes on.
If there's something thatyou don't really like, try to
instill something different.
Talk to your family about it.
(37:45):
Hey, you know, thisbrings up this for me.
How about we do this instead?
Would everybody be in agreement?
Emily (37:52):
Yeah, I mean, or if it's just a very bad situation, you
know, with your family, thencreate new traditions with your
chosen family or your friends.
Just try to create some sort ofjoy and happiness for yourself
around this time to try to shiftout of those, that, that holiday
(38:14):
trauma that keeps resurfacing.
Just try to, to dosomething to bring joy to
break out of that pattern.
Matty (38:21):
And this isn't about denying it or running from it.
This is about empoweringyourself to create positive
traditions, new ones.
And if that's with yourfamily and friends that
you have and you canshift those things, great.
But like Emily said, oftenthis means creating new
ones with new people in yourlife, with the chosen family.
Emily (38:44):
And you want to make sure that these people are though
are people that help you feelhappier, you know not just
running to the same patternsthat were in your childhood.
Matty (38:56):
Yeah, and you can support each other.
As often when you're choosingyour family there's usually
something similar that's gone onand you have that understanding.
Why you'd even want tocreate some new traditions
together around the holidays.
So, support each other, supportthat new family, those new
friends, those chosen ones.
Emily (39:15):
And more than anything, just try to create some peace
and joy within yourself,whatever that looks like to you.
You know, and you can alwaysstart with basic things.
I mean, if you enjoy puttingup Christmas decorations,
just try to be more mindfulwhen you're doing that.
If you enjoy looking at thelights outside, just try to be
(39:39):
more mindful and more presentwhile you're doing those things
and cultivate that joy within.
I mean, if you like some ofthe tasty treats or hot cocoa
or some mulled cider, whateverbrings joy to you, just
try to be more mindful whenyou're enjoying those things.
(40:00):
And that can help cultivatejoy, starting within.
Matty (40:05):
Relish in it.
Emily (40:07):
Hi honey.
We have a sweet littleAspen barking at us
right now, ruffing at us.
That's how she likesto get our attention.
Matty (40:16):
Yep.
Well, those are the things wewanted to share, experiences
around the holidays andsome tips on how to manage
and navigate if you'reexperiencing stress or have
had some holiday trauma.
Thank you so muchfor joining us today.
If you've been digging whatwe're laying down, cause we sure
love podcasting and sharing ourexperiences and our knowledge.
(40:38):
And this as an artistic formhas been so much fun for us.
It lights us up to reachout and talk to y'all
once a week like this.
Emily and I really enjoy it.
So if you know other likeminded, amazing souls like
yourself, share our podcastswith them, let them know that
we're out here doing this.
We would love to be connectingwith the others that you
(40:59):
know in your world too.
Emily (41:00):
Yeah.
One thing Matty and Ihave always loved in our
entire friendship and ourrelationship in marriage is
we love to dive deep intorelationships with each other.
So it's nice to be able to divein deep with you all as well.
Matty (41:17):
It sure is.
Emily (41:18):
And we really enjoy being together with you in this space.
And we have great gratitude foryour presence with us today.
And we hope that you havea wonderful holiday, rest
of your holiday season.
We're, you know, countingdown the days to 2025.
Oh my God, thatsounds so futuristic.
Matty (41:40):
Doesn't it?
Seeing as it's Christmas today,Emily and I wanted to offer
our guidebook, 7 ways to cocreate with your soul and a
healing meditation bundledtogether for free for anyone
looking to connect deeperwith themselves and they would
like a healing meditation toconnect you deeper to your
intuition and the energeticsof your line of purpose.
(42:02):
There will be a link in thedescription to the show for you.
This will help you recognizethe signs and signals your soul
is sending to you, and how tomove forward in more alignment.
There will be some follow upemails to further instill the
knowledge, and give you tonsof tips on how to better align
with your soul's calling.
And the meditation is designedto be listened to anytime you
need to relax, connect deep,and invigorate your calling.
(42:25):
And we know this topic todayof trauma around the holidays
is huge, and quite oftendeeply personal to each of us.
If you have somethingto add that we didn't
cover, send us an email.
Tell us what you doto manage the holiday
trauma, or your stressesaround this time of year.
Or if you just want to shareyour experience, or what's
(42:45):
happened in your life.
We're here for you.
We'd love to know what's goingon with you and on your mind.
As always, there will bea link in the description
for a way to email us.
I always put that inevery show's notes.
We sure hope this discussionand these tips have helped
you realize that you're notalone and that we love you
and we support your endeavorfor healing and your desire
(43:08):
to experience more joy andtogetherness during this season.
Emily and I wish you a happyholidays, a merry Christmas, and
a whatever you celebrate to beas joyous as possible for you.
Emily (43:21):
Yes.
Happy holidays.
We'll see you nextweek on new Year's.
Matty (43:28):
Yeah.
Much love y'all.
Bye.
Emily (43:30):
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.