What We Do In The Shadows, S05E10- Exit Interview

Thank you very much to Max for commissioning this episode!

In this finale episode of the season, we get a lot less of Guillermo being a vampire than I was hoping for, but at least we get a little! And I'm really curious how next season is going to go now that Guillermo realizes that he doesn't want to be a vampire after all.

Thanks for listening, and I will hopefully see you soon with a new season episode!

Wanna talk spoilers? Join the Discord! https://discord.gg/rEF2KfZxfV

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering what we do in The Shadows Season five, Episode
ten exit interview. In this episode, Guermo gets fully transformed

(00:25):
and it isn't what he was expecting. Turns out, my
concerns regarding his ability to take human life. We're valid,
after all. Welcome to spoil Me, Welcome to the show everyone.

(00:56):
I am Natasha. Thank you very much to Max for
missioning this episode. So this is sort of a mixed
review on this episode, kids, because there are some things
I really really enjoyed about this, and then there were
some things that I was sort of disappointed in because

(01:16):
I felt like we had a lot of potential and
it like it was not fully explored in the way
that I was sort of expecting it to be. So overall,
my issue with the way that this goes is that

(01:37):
I can't help but feel having Germo transformed fully but
then get turned back the way that it is so
quickly done here, it just kind of feels like you
could have had maybe not a whole season, but like

(01:57):
a good chunk of a seam dedicated to what it's
like for Guillermo to struggle with being a vampire and
not being willing to like admit that it's not working
for him, do you know what I'm saying? Like there

(02:19):
was a part of me that just felt there is
so much potential here and I wanted to see him
get what he wanted and really live with it for
a little while. And I don't know if part of
the issue, like there's something that I'm sort of suspicious

(02:41):
of here, guys, And I don't know that this is
like a totally valid thing, but it occurred to me
after the fact that maybe the reasoning behind and you know,
I'm a little bit paranoid here, but they kind of

(03:04):
like thrust Guillermo into the killing people lifestyle. I guess
if that's the way that I want to say it
part of being a vampire pretty quickly. And there was
a part of me that sort of wondered, is it
is this nandor hoping that he can edge Guillermo towards

(03:27):
regret and thus have an excuse to kill Derek because
he's just pissed that Derek turned his familiar. Like, you know,
I just had a real feeling of like this seems
awfully convenient when it turns out that killing Derek will

(03:50):
put Guillermo back to being human, and I don't know,
I don't really believe that, but there was a part
of me that sort of felt like, hmm, but yeah, guys,
I don't know. I felt like, how quickly Germo realizes
that he doesn't like it? I want there to be
a season of him like really trying to pretend that

(04:15):
he can do it and maybe hiding the fact that
he is disturbed by this. You know, the vamps kill
somebody and he goes ahead and like feasts on the
person they already killed, but he isn't able to kill
on his own, and they don't really quite notice the
fact that he isn't out here murdering by himself. I

(04:40):
don't know, and then enjoying some of the superpowers about
it a bit more. I just felt like there was
so much here that they could do. The rest of
the gang struggling to let him in as an equal,
and what does that look like? How are they able
to cope with that after years and years of dismissing him,

(05:05):
of talking down to him and seeing him as a servant.
Maybe the transition into him being one of them is
not real happy, and maybe he starts to realize that,
like their disdain isn't just that he's a familiar, but
him as a person, and that turning didn't serve a complete,

(05:29):
solid solution to the problem that he was hoping it did.
And then what does somebody want to become his familiar?
And does he feel weird about that? There's just like
I just I there's a lot, a lot that they
could do here, and I was really excited that they

(05:53):
decided that he was going to turn and just felt
a bit let down at the fact that, like, by
the end of the episode, that's it. So anyway, yeah,
the overall thing, I felt a little bit bummed, But
I will say that I thought that this episode overall

(06:13):
was like really well constructed. So we start things off
with Derek showing up at the door of like this
cheap motel, and he's been followed by the crew obviously,
but I love the fact that, like, slowly it turns

(06:37):
out that Derek has told Loki everybody where Giamo is.
Even though he is trying desperately to keep his head down,
everybody knows, and slowly they all begin to just like
roll up on him in this hotel room. So what
he he just flew for hours and hours, and I'm

(06:59):
not even sure if he says exactly where he winds up,
like if he's still in the New York State or
you know how far he's actually gone. But yeah, he
we find out that it's been like a couple of weeks,
I think, since he has hold up here, and he's
really dismissive of Derek and kind of impatient with him

(07:27):
in a way that later on Naja warns him, this
could be bad for you, my guy, like, maybe you
don't want to talk to your maker like that. It's
super disrespectful. And also you have invested interest in making
sure that this dude is alive and safe because something

(07:47):
happens to him and it could fuck you up too,
And I really I don't Well, here's what I enjoy
about this is the the show has been very careful
to really not describe the nature of somebody's relationship to

(08:08):
their maker before now, so introducing this idea that like
your maker gets killed and you become human again, there's
no real feeling of like retconning here. It feels like
if we were five seasons in and this hasn't been
talked about, that was purposeful. They didn't want us to
know that this is how it worked, because then maybe
we'd have seen it coming that Derek was going to die,

(08:30):
which rip Derek. He is sort of alive, I guess
you could say, but you know, like how alive though?
And so the state of things with like creators is

(08:51):
already sort of called into question here with her saying
that because she doesn't get specific. She doesn't say if
he dies, you go back. She just says it could
have catastrophic consequences for you too. And I immediately wanted
to know what that meant because I have read a
lot of Empire books at this point, and the way

(09:12):
that a maker's relationship, like how that works with their protege,
for lack of a better way of saying that, it's
wildly different depending on the property that you're reading, and
for example, in the Silkie Stackhouse novels, a maker can
force you to do things like it's not up to you,

(09:35):
It isn't your uh, it has nothing to do with
your will, and it has everything to do with them
basically controlling your body. If you say do a thing,
they physically cannot help it. They have to do it,
and so you can imagine that this can be held

(09:56):
over people's heads quite a lot. Now, then we have, like,
you know, something like what's the one the other one
that I was thinking of, like Twilight for example, the
person who creates you really, once they've created you, that's
a wrap. They don't need to be in touch with
you anymore. They can be they can, you know. And

(10:20):
it seems like the way that things happen tends to
be that there is a sort of unifying family structure
that begins to form a lot of the time, just
at least between those two people. But it's by no
means the way that it's done. It is sort of
just at the whim of the master whether or not

(10:44):
they're going to stay in touch. So you know, it
can go in a million different directions, and I just
kind of like the fact that it really hasn't been
made clear. Like the only people that we know who
are related in that way are Naja and Laslow, and
they have like a really specific type of relationship that

(11:10):
there was no servitude. She didn't take Laslow as a
familiar for years on end and then turn him. She
saw him, wanted to have him as a partner, and
like busted in and turned him and that was that
and now he's like with her forever. So the whole

(11:33):
the vibe of the two of them together I really
enjoy because they there's no weirdness about a hierarchy between
the two of them. There's the power structure doesn't feel questionable,
and it would feel probably more questionable if it had

(11:53):
been like Laslow that turned her, for example. You know,
But I wonder if there has ever been a point where,
like not just been in enough danger that Laslow was
worried about how things would go for himself. And I
wonder if there's ever been an instance where a vampire
has been turned then their master is killed and they,

(12:17):
you know, go back to being human and they actually
enjoy being human for a while before finding another vamp
who will turn them back, Like, has there ever been
a vamp who they become human again after years and
years of being a vamp and they decide, you know what,
I thought I was gonna miss it, and I don't.

(12:39):
I think I am just gonna stay human and live
out a normal life and die. I really want like
some other examples of this having happened, And I'm sort
of wondering if maybe that might be something that comes
up a little bit later. I just, like I said,
there's a lot of potential for what they did here

(13:00):
that they didn't pursue. There's still some things that like
they could attempt, and I don't know whether I should
bother getting my hopes up for that or not, whether
it's something they're even interested in. But so I'm all
over the place here, sorry, guys, but I'm just trying
to sort of keep my thoughts straight. This is when

(13:22):
Naja shows up, and I love her being in like
a trench coat with this fedora and saying that she's
in disguise so absolutely nobody would be able to tell
who she was. And Derek is the one who told
her where she was or where he was. She told
me her name was detective Policeman. Oh my god, I

(13:47):
cannot stop laughing, you guys. The first time I heard that,
I go fawed. I really did. There was something about
that detective Policeman that really fucking got me. But yeah,
Guillermo wants raw meat and he basically threatens Derek with

(14:09):
a steak the like as he's saying it, I need
to bring me raw raw meat. So he's clearly like
not drinking human blood on the rag here he drank
it that one time, and now he's trying to sort
of sat himself and does this work? Is he sucking

(14:33):
the moisture out of the ground beef? Is that what's happening? Like,
I have a lot of questions about how this can work,
a lot of questions, but yeah, So this is when
Naja is just like, you can't fucking talk to him
like that, And I love this when he's nandor is

(14:57):
like losing his mind. And when Guillermo asks how's he doing,
she just sort of underplays it, and he's thinking, well,
maybe if I wrote to him. She says, yeah, if
you like wrote him a suicide note and then actually
followed through on it, then that would probably cool him down.

(15:19):
And at this point we hear the people next door
and they're fucking really really loudly. I thought for sure
it was going to turn out it was Laslow over there,
that he had also found out where Gierma was staying,
and that he had followed him and was now, you know,

(15:40):
fucking the person next door on his way to hanging
out with Germo and talking to him about what's been happening,
and no, no, it's just some random but she goes
over to yell at them for how loud they're being,
and then just joins in. She's just just like, you

(16:01):
know what, I think I might go for some of
that too. So it's a pretty good moment though, because
I really like Yermo. Just immediately knowing what's going on,
I'm like, oh, yeah, no, she's joined in. Okay, that's
that's that. So the he's just so full of regret
here about the fact that he's that he let Derek

(16:25):
turn him, And I think there's really a sense for
him of realizing that his relationship with Derek isn't what
it should be, that Derek being his master isn't gratifying
to him. The fact that he doesn't have respect for
this guy bums him out. And I just that seems

(16:47):
like a real concern to me. You know, if you
really are sort of in this permanent relationship with a
person that you owe the way that he feels he
owes him, and and you don't feel any respect for
that person, yeah, that's gonna be a problem. So anyway,

(17:08):
the next thing that we see is Nandor on the
streets searching for Guillermo, and it turns out that he
is staking out a Panera bread and he sees this short,
heavy set dude leaving the Panera bread and assumes that
this is Guillermo, and he jumps down on him and

(17:33):
begins to strangle him before it is made clear that
is not Guillermo, that is Patton Oswalt, which I have
to be real with you, guys, there was something delightful
about him turning up here. It was just such a
silly thing. And I don't particularly like Pattentas like, I
don't have a problem with him. He's been kind of

(17:53):
shitty in the past, but uh, I really do think
that for the most part, I've sort of liked to work.
And he turns up as a guest in a lot
of comedies, and I think he always really brings something
to the table. It seems like he's always having a
good time and going for it a little bit. And

(18:14):
he informs Nandor that there are like lots of Panera breads,
which apparently I said. He informs Guermo. I met Nandor
if I said Guermo, but he yeah, says like there's
a lot of them, you know, at which point, Nandor
is just like fuck. He gets so frustrated here, and

(18:36):
he winds up taking custody of Patton Oswalt in a
way that I was not prepared for him to do.
The whole rest of the episode, He's basically like following
or keeping him next to him for company and like
as a private therapist. And anytime Patton Oswald tries to

(18:58):
talk about something unrelated to his own issue, Nandor Loki
threatens him. And when I say low key, I mean, like,
you know, he pats his hand, but he does it
like in such a way that he squeezes his bones
sort of thing. So we go back to Germo's hotel room,
and this is when Colin shows up and says that

(19:20):
he has to perform an exit interview. Guys, is this
real or is this a means of feeding on Guillermo?
I couldn't tell. I thought at first that it was
a real thing that was sort of silly, but then
as it continues, I sort of thought maybe not, Maybe

(19:44):
this is a bit of a joke. Like he says, uh,
something like I know your time is valuable, and when
he turns and looks at the camera, he makes a
face that is just kind of the same face that
he makes when he's feeding, but not quite And I

(20:05):
couldn't tell if it was supposed to be that he
was sort of like preparing to feed and that was
the thing, you know what I mean. So anyway, yeah,
I'm curious what you guys think if this was meant
to be something that was more a hint at his intentions,

(20:27):
or if he's just giving the camera a mischievous look. See,
the thing is like, even if he's not trying to
feed on him, the mischievous look is what makes me
feel like this isn't real. Then is it that he
isn't actually like doesn't need to conduct an exit interview?

(20:48):
I don't know. I'm really really interested in what you
guys think. Like it doesn't matter ultimately, but uh, I
like have some curious about the structure of things with
the vamps and how much there is like the questions
that he's asking, Like do they expect him to ask them?

(21:09):
Is it really something that's part of his job the
way he's making it out to be, or did he
just come up with this system himself and they just
ignore whatever his findings are. You know, I'd be willing
to accept that as well. So he begins and there's
like a recorder and he's got a notepad. Mister Dela

(21:31):
Cruz is the way he says it. What's prompting you
to leave your job? Nander trying to kill me? And
what was your salary? As a familiar, Oh, I don't
get paid. No, But honestly, for this to work, I
kind of need a ballpark figure like five hundred, five
hundred and fifty a week. I don't get paid. Uh huh.

(21:51):
And do you think we can get away with not
paying the next person? You, guys, if we're being honest
about what exit interviews are like, it's sort of that.
It really kind of is. It's feeling out what people
were willing to tolerate and whether or not you could

(22:13):
get away with that. Again, how angry do they seem
about the way that they've been treated? Is it a
concern that you need some you know what I mean?
I was talking about this with Rashan the other day
because we were talking about the time had rolled around
for self evaluations, which, if anything, are one of the

(22:37):
most useless. This was something that, as she explained to me,
the way that it worked, I was like, then you're
just wasting everybody's time. And she's like, yeah, she got
a promotion recently, and thus has been let in on
the secret about some things. And one of the things

(22:59):
that she has been told about. The way the self
evaluations work is that they have been told ahead of
time how much money somebody is allowed to have as
a raise, and you have to tailor the evaluation that

(23:26):
you make to reflect the money that you are offering them.
In other words, your raise is not merit based. You
can't go in and say I think I'm doing great work.
I believe I deserve a raise and expect that they

(23:46):
will take your assessment of yourself into consideration. And you
cannot say I've been doing outstanding work and expect them
to even agree with your assessment, even if it's true,
because the only reason that they do this is to
give the illusion that there is a merit based system.

(24:07):
It's a fake, it's tricking you. The point of it
is to keep the illusion going. But the truth is
your raise has been determined before you walk into the room,
and the way they talk to you and the things
that they bring up about your work are like potentially

(24:29):
completely fabricated or exaggerated to give them an excuse for
why they aren't giving you the raise that you were
hoping for, And so she didn't. I don't think she
ever realized just how completely pointless they were. She knew
that it felt like a waste of her time because

(24:49):
no matter what she said, she never got the money
that she was hoping for. But she always felt like
it was because she didn't push hard enough. It was
her blaming herself for be taken advantage of, like she
was giving into easily. And a lot of that is
a fear that a lot of black women have, specifically

(25:10):
because they can't push for their they can't advocate for
themselves the way that white women can, or certainly not
like white men can. So she has always been a
little bit reticent to really push things. And you know that,
combined with the fact that they never intended to give

(25:32):
her any more money, has led to a stagnation in
her wages for a while until getting this promotion, which
like it's giving her more Uh, it's giving her more money,
but not enough to actually start breaking even considering everything
that has been going on health wise. So, yeah, the

(25:57):
system is fucked up, and I'm just the more I
learn about how all of this works, the more I
just want to burn things down. It's just really cruel
to keep up this facade that you're gonna be able
to like work towards something better. I believe that there
was a time where that was true, where self evaluations

(26:19):
meant something, but it's obviously just a fucking clown show now.
And the exit interview thing is sort of interesting because,
like it's meant to be a reflection for the company
to see what they could have improved to keep somebody
working for them. That is supposedly what it is for,

(26:44):
and a lot of people take the opportunity during an
exit interview to really like unload all of the stuff
that they have been holding in with their workplace that
they haven't felt free to talk about for many different reasons.
And it can sort of backfire because sometimes the exit interview,

(27:06):
like they go so hard with their complaints and their
accusations that the references they had put down for their
next job, like it becomes something that if they don't
already have something lined up, it could reflect in what
people say when they get a phone call or alternate alternatively,

(27:27):
if you decide that you want to come back to
the job, you realize things didn't work out for you
where you were. If you've left a real shitty exit interview,
they may not be interested when they would have been
otherwise if you had just been able to sort of
like be more even in the way that you spoke.
But yeah, So anyway, this colin brings him a weird

(27:56):
like award for sales Jay Stirkle, Quarter four Sales Leader,
nineteen ninety seven, and he says, I got it in
a state sale, but you get the drift, Oh my god,
and he says congratulations, shakes his hand and then looks
at the camera like they're about to have their photo
taken together. So Nandor talking to Patton Oswalt, he says like,

(28:27):
I have given Guillermo my friendship, and it's not something
that I give to everyone. And he says, I thought
Guillermo had earned it, and he begins to talk about himself.
I thought something like this had happened with me and
somebody else a couple of years ago. And this is

(28:49):
when he begins to crush his hand and say, we
are not talking about you right now, Patton Oswalt. But
eventually it starts to become clear. Not I don't think
that quite to the extent of reality that it should
with Nander, but that he hasn't handled the situation. And

(29:09):
by this situation, I don't just mean me like wanting
to kill Guillermo, but just handled Guillermo as a friend
very well. So this is when Laslow turns up at Guillermo's.
He does this very loud sort of like you know
audio show with fully effects that he's a housekeeper coming

(29:33):
to check on things and then leaving, and he tells
Guillermo to turn something on the television so that it
will drown out the sound of their voices. And it's
just a sequence of him being a little bit distracted
by whatever's on the television. At first it's like, you know,

(29:55):
nature's a thing with bears, and then he's like, we
need something more consistently loud to drown our voices, and
then it's airplanes worrying, and he keeps trying to be like,
I may have been hard on you in the past,
and could you put on something that is as loud
but less percussive, And then it's engines because he's turned

(30:17):
on a racetrack. Perfect. I love that there's like an
option that is ideal to everything he asks. And then
finally Lass like, what about programs of the adult variety?
And Guillermo foolishly puts this on. I just wanted to
be like Guermo, you know, he's not going to be

(30:37):
able to focus. What do you think is gonna happen here?
Like it's sort of funny because I think if laslav
as somebody who probably watches porn all the time. But
then I sort of realized that he doesn't, Like I
don't think that they have a TV that has access
to it, you know what I mean, They've got like

(30:58):
local channels. I am imagine them as only being connected
to whatever they can get standard with a satellite or
whatever kind of hookup they've got. But I don't believe
that they have like a streaming service or anything that
could get him porn. And I just don't see Laslow

(31:18):
as somebody who's going out and buying DVDs and bringing
them back. It just doesn't really feel to me like
something he would do, especially we have seen him going
to some very antiquated sort of porn setups where you
watch on a little uh like individual. I'm trying to

(31:39):
think of what you even call it, because a projector
isn't quite right. But that's closer than what I was
than any other word I can come up with. So
I my first thought was like, Oh, he'll be able
to tune it out because he has it on all
the time. And then I was like, I bet he
doesn't have it on all the time. I bet maybe
it'll be kind of a novel experience and seeing whatever

(32:01):
this porn looks like. And indeed, he keeps like trying
to focus and repeating himself about how long he's known him,
and he points at these women, what do you think
they're going to do? There's something about the asking of
that question, like you don't know what they're going to do?

(32:21):
Come on, come on, but it's a porno and it's
two women lying out of bed. What do you think
they're going to do? I'm about to tell you about
something that I've never told anyone else before. And of course,
as he is saying this, he completely loses the train
of thought, focuses on the television and tells Guillermo, You're

(32:46):
going to have to give me a minute. As he says,
good lord, oh God. So he speaks to the television.
While as is distracted, he speaks to the camera and
says that, really, what's going on for him right now,

(33:07):
it's not even the fear of death that's bothering him.
It's like I lost the vampires. They were my friends.
He's saying this in a way that's like I know
that they're here right now, which indicates that they are
kind of your friends. But honestly, I don't really want
you to believe that, Guillermo, because they're not. Not really.

(33:31):
He says, I always figured if I got turned into
a vampire that it would bring me closer to them,
but it's just left me feeling more alone than ever.
So this is when we go to Pat and Oswald
sitting on the edge of a building with a cup
of coffee talking to Nandor, and he says, your friendship

(33:52):
with Guillermo is very special, right, and I bet killing
a friend would really hurt and Nander says, I imagine
it would one of the worst It'd be one of
the worst feelings a person could possibly have. And he says,
what if you repair the friendship, and Nandor you want

(34:18):
me to not kill him? That's your suggestion after hearing
my tale of deceit and betrayal. All that betray me
must be destroyed. And he stands up on the edge
of the building and kicks pat and Oswald over the side,

(34:38):
but then stands there, touching his beard reflectively and says
he does make a good point, though, And I just
I really liked this, Like I love the idea by
my headcanon for this is that like Patton Oswalt got

(35:01):
in touch and was like, I really like to be
on one time and they were like, what, it is
a recurring thing and he's like, no, no, no, I
just want to die in like a fun way. And
they were like, oh, how about like kicked off the
side of a building, you know, something like that, and
he went perfect exactly. So that's the end of Patton Oswalt.

(35:22):
Bless him. He really does seem like, I don't know,
it seemed to me like he was having a pretty
good time. I don't know if I'm just imagining that,
but I am. I feel like this would be one
of the great joys of being a comedy actor is
just getting to drop in on projects like this every

(35:45):
now and then, you know. So anyway, let's see, after
this we go back to Guillermo. I don't remember what
happened to Laslow at this point. I don't feel like
he's still sitting on the edge of the bed here,
so I don't remember what happens. But this is when

(36:08):
the guide evil Mabel turns up with a condolence card
that says sorry for your loss on the front, and
then she has just scribbled underneath it with a marker
of your life. I enjoyed this a lot. I feel
like if you could put you sorry for your loss

(36:29):
of life, it would have, like grammatically made more sense.
But sorry for your loss of your life, for some reason,
is a lot funnier, I think, just because it isn't
quite grammatically correct. Germo says, is there anyone who doesn't
know I'm here? And she says usually I'm the last

(36:49):
to know, so probably not. And I also brought some
friends who wanted to say goodbye, and I was so
hoping I would never have to see these fucking creatures again.
But here they are trooping into his hotel room in creepy,

(37:10):
fucking fashion. I hated it, every second of it. I despised.
It was so uncomfortable and weird. I am never going
to be able to get over this, like y'all, it's awful.
I just can't. So at this point, Nandor calls Guillermo

(37:31):
and tells him that he is with Guillermo's mother. Very
obviously after what we just saw the threat that Guillermo
believes is being made here isn't really the threat that's
being made. I knew this, but he doesn't, and it's
a very effective means of getting him out of his

(37:53):
Heidi hole. So he sprints to his mother's house, sprints
by a bat and finds Nandor on the couch with
her looking at baby photos. Amazing, and he stands up
and comes at Guillermo and there's a real, like not

(38:15):
sure who would win in this fight kind of energy
between the two of them. Nandor something happened recently and
it's made me change my mind. My friend Patton Oswalt,
he passed away quite suddenly, and it didn't feel good

(38:36):
losing a friend. And Guillermo says, I don't believe you.
Why should I believe you? And he comes right up
to Guillermo and takes the steak that he's holding up
for like defense, and presses it against the base of
his throat. And says, if I'm lying, then kill me now,

(39:00):
like that's how you know? And I don't feel like
this actually makes sense in terms of like knowing somebody
is telling the truth, because like, how do they know?
The point is that they're asking whether you're lying because
they don't know. So if they were going to kill

(39:22):
you if you were lying, then do you know what
I'm saying? Like it would require that he already know
the information that he's asking about. Is they just doesn't
make any sense. It's fine, but as they're leaving, this
was a gag. I loved your most. Mom is like

(39:44):
right behind Nandor with a steak and he stops her.
But I don't think he intended to stop her using
the what do you call it, mesmerise? Guys, what is
it called? Oh my god, hypnotizing? It's not, is it hypnotizing? Well, regardless,

(40:08):
I don't think that he meant to do that, And
it seems like she's very much in sort of a
weird state when she drops the steak. I was sort
of confused by this, guys, because we know that that
doesn't work on Guillermo, so I just would have assumed
it wouldn't work on his mom either, and I don't

(40:28):
really know why it did. Like, you know what I'm saying,
is he more of a vampire killer than she is?
Why would he be? I don't know. But anyway, So
they go back to the house and Nandor comes in

(40:49):
and says, I no longer plan to kill Guillermo. He
will live with us as an equal as a vampire.
Where once we were four, we are now five. And
I love that even after everything, the fucking guide is
still not being included. I think your math is off,

(41:09):
But she's just like sitting there. I really was hoping
that there would be a little bit of I'm gonna
fuck with you guys again if you don't include me,
and a constant sort of threat that made them need
to back off. But evidently they feel they made their
case about what they were saying in that one clip
and that's all they needed to do and they don't

(41:30):
have to put forth any effort anymore. And this is
when Naja says, if I'd known he was gonna stay
with us, I would have said just kill him, which
that drives very much with what I was thinking. She thought.
So this is when Nandor, I love this. He's the

(41:52):
only one who really understood the thing about his like
his van helsing blood interfering with transitioning into a vampire.
And then here when Laslo's like, but he can't fully,
he's not fully a vampire. Nandor's like, uh, I have

(42:12):
looked into this sort of thing, and you never thought
of the simplest solution. You never got Guillermo to drink
human blood. And I love Colin Robinson. Wait, you never
thought of that. And last it just says, shut up
a confession. I didn't either, and I do feel kind

(42:33):
of dumb. I'm not gonna lie. That feels super s obvious.
And it just I never thought of it didn't occur
to me. I just figured he was gonna be in
limbo and he'd have to live that way. So he
takes the glass and they begin to chant drink, drink, drink.

(42:54):
It's interesting to me that he sniffs it and he
doesn't seem enticed by the smell of it. There's no
like thirst in him that seems to awaken at the
fragrance of it. But he drinks it and it almost
looks like he's gonna throw up, Like there's a wretching
a hand over his mouth, and then all of a sudden,

(43:15):
he stringens and there's like a and his eyes move
and his teeth pop out and boom, fangs and he says,
I've never felt more alive and I love laslow off
to the side, just mumbling to himself, I really should
have thought that that. So Guillermo just starts screaming about

(43:38):
how he's a vampire. I cannot get enough of Naja
brushing Naja Doll's hair with this disgusted look on her
face at him, screaming how excited he is to be
a vampire. It just really gave like that the vibe
of like fucking nubes, you know what I mean. I mean,

(44:00):
And honestly, I get that he's so excited that he's
finally a vampire, completely get it. You've been waiting for
this for over a decade. So yeah, but I have
to be honest with you all. I did think that
he needed to tone it down a little bit here
because it was giving like it just felt a little

(44:21):
bit immature or childish, I don't know. So at this
point Guiermo he flies straight up into the air with
his fangs out and manages a nice easy landing he
sprints around the house and Colin says, one sip of blood,

(44:43):
and he's like, corn Holio over here? Who is that? Guys?
What's Cornholio? I don't know what that means. I assume
Cornholio is like, Oh, he's an asshole, but I don't
know if that's true, if that's what that means or not.
But this is when he picks up the glass, He

(45:05):
drinks the rest of the blood and smashes the glass
on the floor before holding his arms out to the
sides and saying, behold what I have become. Oh my god, dude,
you've got to stop. Come on now. You know, it's just,

(45:30):
it's just if they were giving him a different energy
in this room, him behaving like this would feel part
of a celebration. Everybody's cheering him on and excited for him.
But that's not what's happening. So him doing this all
alone just feels extra sad. But then he says, let's

(45:55):
do something. Why are we sitting on our asses. Let's
fucking get up and do something, and Nandor says, now
we hunt. And you know, I was sort of suspicious earlier.
I was saying, like, did Nandors set this up so
that he would be sure to not like being a vampire.
But he's not the one who suggests like going out

(46:16):
and doing something. Maybe he knew that Giermo would suggest it,
that that this was the mood he would be in
right after his transformation. I don't know, but yeah, they
all get up and leave. Colin Robinson has a moment
of like, maybe I won't, but then he does get
up and he just says fomo to the camera as

(46:38):
he leaves. And we go to this place called Spaghettinis
with a sign outside that says closed for a private party.
And when we go inside, it's a series of bodies,
blood everywhere, y'all. It is, truly, it's the bloodiest scene

(47:01):
I think we've ever had in this show. The walls
are covered in it, and everybody is sitting at their
own individual table, drinking on their own individual person. Meanwhile,
Guermo is standing by this dude and looking at him.

(47:22):
This guy's already dead or no, no he's not, oh correction,
nandor didn't kill him? He says, I bonked this one
on the head, just for you. They're much easier to
drain and kill when they're not wriggling around. Is this
a genuine effort at like helping him or is he

(47:44):
trying to ensure that Ghirmo has to kill so that
he knows what it takes. And Ghermo just says, I'm
not that hungry. I really, guys, I think he's telling
the truth. At first, I thought it was going to

(48:05):
be I'm pretending that I'm not that hungry because I'm
just so uncomfortable. But the face that he's making, I
really think he's like nauseous, you know. And Nanders says, well,
don't leave him hanging around too long, because when they're unconscious,
their blood loses its zing. And then we go to

(48:30):
a talking head moment, and I love this because everything
that I said in the last episode is what Giermo
goes through here. Like he's killed vampires, and he has
helped capture humans, he has helped dispose of human bodies.
He has been tangential to a lot of human deaths,

(48:54):
but he has never actually killed a person. And he
says that when he leaned in, he could smell his shampoo,
and all I kept thinking, this guy was at CPS
just sniffing away at all of these shampoos. And he says,

(49:14):
I think I'll get this one because it reminds me
of where I used to go camp because a kid,
I can't do this. I'm sorry, and he just takes
his mic off and like runs out of the room.
I felt like that was very significant because Giermo has
run out of the room and demanded privacy a few times,
but he's never taken his mic off, so that felt different.

(49:38):
And the camera stay is put on the shadowy alcohol
behind him, and Nandor comes out and says, this is
just what I was afraid of. He isn't cut out
to be a vampire. I'll fix it. And he takes
out his genie lamp. I really thought it was going
to be like, oh, you had one last wish, Surprise, Surprise,

(49:59):
it is not. He starts to make his wish and
the Genie's like, you've ran out of wishes a long
time ago. Have you just been carrying me around? Yeah? Maybe, well,
nice to see you again. You can go ahead, and
can't I stretch my legs a little. I wish I
could help you, but uh, that's very funny. Get in

(50:22):
the fucking lamp. I thought maybe Nander could hand the
lamp over to Guamo. That's what I expected. I thought,
you just give it to him. It's a new owner,
and now he has access to, however, many wishes, which
would also be kind of fun. You know, we have

(50:43):
a season where Giamo's now a vampire, coping with that,
and maybe he has these wishes that he keeps using
to try and make being a vampire easier to bear,
and none of it really works, none of it makes
him feel any more okay with everything. So this is

(51:04):
when we have Nandor setting up this fake ceremony for Guillermo,
the ceremony of vampiric transmogrification. Don't be nervous, We've all
been through it. And he's slowly like tying this, uh,
kind of weird looking. It's it's a cape around Giamo's shoulders,

(51:27):
but it really looks like a macromay that would hang
on the wall, like something that's just meant to be
a decoration. And I think that's probably what it's meant.
What it is like, he's just taken some shit from
around the house, so he has to bring Derek into
the mix and tries to make it seem like, well,

(51:50):
you know, he's your maker. So gotta do it. But uh,
it turns out there's a whole other reason for him
being here. So everybody's got in a circle with these
weird banners of ancient scizils and whatnot. And he asks
Giermo a couple of like ceremonial questions about whether he's

(52:11):
of sound mind and body, and this choice can only
be made by you. We vampires here are only witnesses,
and he says, Mistress of ceremony, prepare the flames. At
this point, Evil Mabel steps forward and lights all of
the candles in the room at once. Is this something

(52:33):
all vamps can do? Or is this just her? Like,
I don't remember this power, just saying curious. So Van
Nander says, here comes an answer that has to come
for your heart. This is the last time you get
to make this final choice. Would you rather be a

(52:55):
human or a vampire? And there there's this long pause
and Guillermo admits he would rather be a human. And
I was really not sure that he would. I kind
of thought, like I said, the next season, we would
go into it with him being a vamp and we

(53:17):
would have to deal with it. And so this was
gonna be him starting everything off with a lie. But no,
he tells the truth and he's like, it's just all
the killing that's you know, And Nandor says, you can
spare us the details. You want to be a human.
There's no shame in that. We can do something about it.

(53:42):
Mistress of ceremony, distribute the hoods. I love this so much,
you guys. She's handing out these hoods that like from
a tray, having people pick them up, and there's a
lot of like mumbling about it. Who gets a hood,
whether it's going to fit or not, YadA YadA YadA.
But it turns out the only person who's actually going

(54:07):
to put it on is Derek. Everybody else just doesn't
put it on. There is something so sweet about the
fact that Derek is immediately willing to take their word
on this and follow instructions, and it's just so sad

(54:28):
knowing what's about to happen. So this is when he says,
proceed to position two, and Derek stays. They get the
steak and a hammer a mallet and position it in

(54:49):
front of Derek's chest and Nandors says, if you kill him,
you will go back to being human. You will just
get a month older really quickly. Oh, I guess that
answers my question, y'all, because I had been asking earlier,
is there anybody who like turned back into a human

(55:09):
and stuck around as a human. But if you age
really quickly, then more than likely, unless you'd only been
a vampire for ten years or twenty years, anybody who
got turned back to a human is just going to die.
So that's interesting, Okay, So yeah, he uh, I really

(55:30):
didn't think that Gierma was going to go through with it. Guys.
I thought once again that we were going to reach
this place of I can't go through with it that
presented with you have to kill this guy in order
to make your life what you want it to be.
He wouldn't be able to go ahead and do it

(55:51):
and would stay as a vampire even though he doesn't
want to be, because he feels too guilty to kill
Derek after request saying that Derek turn him and everything
the way that it happened. And it's interesting because like
I keep on sort of taking Giemo's gentle nature as
an indication of him being a good person, and that's

(56:17):
not true. Guillemo is actually kind of you know, like
he stops for a second and he says, I can't
do it. Derek starts to lift his hood up. Nandor says,
you want me to do it? I don't know. I

(56:38):
do give me that. So Nandor gets to kill Derek,
and I just really want to be clear. Guihemo says,
I don't know, because he can't bear to admit he
does want Nandor to do it. So when I'm saying that, like,
I keep thinking his gentleness makes him a good person.

(56:59):
It's there's kind of a weakness, but he is ultimately
somewhat selfish a person, and I lose sight of that
a lot. So yeah, this moment, like he goes down
and when he turns around, he's got like a full
beard and his hair has grown, and his glasses now

(57:20):
he needs like his real ones again because his eyesight
went back to shit. And there is the first like
genuinely kind moment that I can remember from Nandor where
he has Giermo's glasses on him and hands them over
because he was so certain how this was all going
to go. I wasn't ready, you guys. There was something

(57:42):
about that that kind of got me a little bit.
I didn't think he would care to be prepared like this,
you know. So yeah, it turns out that this entire
ceremony was faked and all that he like the banners

(58:03):
and everything, he just like found them around the house
because they were creepy enough to go with the look
he was trying to achieve. At this point, the baron
we have a sitter for the night, so we're gonna
head out. And of course now we've got Guillermo just
kneeling next to his friend's body and is trying to

(58:28):
decide what we do now the killing of this vamp.
It's sort of interesting because I don't think I had
stopped to consider before. He's killed a lot of vampires,
and I don't feel like I really took note of
the fact that their bodies remain, that they don't explode
into dust like in Buffy or explode into blood fountains

(58:50):
like on True Blood. This is just Eric's body sitting
there like a regular human body would do. And fine,
he and Laslow drag Derek to the fucking necromancer. What's
his face? I can't remember his name, The one that

(59:10):
Laslo is convinced is a charlatan. And even in this
moment is still like mocking him for how fucking showy
his bullshit is, and he raises Derek and there's a
moment of just like Derek can't talk. Derek is like awake,
He's alive technically, and he tries to say what's up,

(59:31):
dude to Guillermo, but he can't speak exactly, and like
the fucking you guys, the steak is still embedded in
his chest. They didn't even take it out. At this point,
he's like the Necromancer's like, what are you gonna do
with him? If you pay a fee? We do have

(59:53):
a rehoming option, And all of a sudden here comes
tofer Tofer that got uh what do you call it?
That got zombiefied? I guess a couple seasons ago, and
he comes out and he does like the whole like
zombie bit with like stumbling towards them, and then all

(01:00:17):
of a sudden he steps back and says, Jaka and
a spin, how are you doing, Gierma Tofer you look
you look like shit, and he says, I'm undead, but
I'm making the most of it. Once you get used
to the zombie body, you can actually learn to talk

(01:00:37):
normal again, like this pretty cool, huh. I love this. Actually,
the way things ended with Tofer before was funny, and
I did not like Tofer, so I was totally okay
with it. But I love the idea that there's actually
like a way that you can live, not really a
normal life, but a life still that we didn't know about.

(01:01:02):
So yeah, Derek tries to like introduce himself, and he says, ah,
it's kind of taking a couple months to learn how
to use the old mouth again. But in the meantime,
the more the merrier, Derek, how would you like to
join a gang of crazy motherfuckers just like yourself? There's
always room for a new friend. And you, guys, this

(01:01:22):
was so sweet. I know it's like a fucked thing
to say, but Derek has just wanted to have friends
so bad this whole time, and the Vamps did not
embrace him. They didn't want anything to do with him, really,
and now he's being like ushered into this whole other community.

(01:01:43):
It's so cute. Oh my god, bless him. Reminder all
of this, he's still got the steak sticking out of
his chest like still uh, And he goes down the
stairs with him and the last thing he says, is
just cool. I'm here for it. I kind of hope

(01:02:03):
we get more zombies coming up. They haven't been a
part of things. If they're not a part of things,
it's fine. But I wouldn't mind it now that I
know the way that this can go. I love Guillermo.
Do you take Venmo, Venmo? I take cash or gold
coin or Zell? Just FYI, everybody Zell sucks. They never

(01:02:26):
work for me. I've tried to use it so many
times and it has fucked me over. But anyway, I digress.
All right, I've got to wrap up. But that was
a fun season, if a bit uneven, I just really
I would have liked more Gillermo as a vamp. I
really would. But what can you do? Curious what happens

(01:02:47):
next season, though, because why continue to be a familiar
if you're not interested in becoming a vampire anymore? Now
what you know? If? And I believe that there is
a next season, so who knows what they're doing? All right, everybody,
thank you again, until next time to the loo, motherfuckers.

(01:03:39):
That was an unspoiled Network podcast.