Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering what we do in The Shadows, Season five, Episode five,
local news in this episode, this is one of the
(00:26):
more horribly frustrating episodes of this show ever. I think, oh,
I hate, I hate this kind of thing. It was
really well done, but the anxiety humor kills my spirit.
Welcome to spoil Me, Welcome to the show everyone.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
I am Natasha.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Thank you very much to Max for commissioning this episode.
So this when I say anxiety humor, I'm sure you
guys like generally get the gist anytime where like the
primary humor in a scene is coming from feeling like
(01:28):
oh god, no, oh god, oh that's so embarrassing, or
that's something that like if anybody finds out, and they're
definitely gonna find out, and sometimes that sort of thing.
You can still do it, but make anxiety like the
secondary part of it. For example, when you're going, oh no,
(01:50):
because somebody screwed something up, but the way they screwed
it up was a spectacular pratfall where they go face
first into a wedding cake. So then it becomes like
the physical comedy is really where the humor's coming from
less so the fact that something went wrong. And so
that's why I like tend to in those sorts of stories,
(02:13):
like the broad comedy thing a bit better because when
it is something like this, and what I'm talking about
here is much less the vampires and almost all Giermo's story.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
What we have with.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Him is everybody's mad at him. I expressly go through
life trying to make sure that as few irol people
are mad at me as possible. So anytime the story
is that a person is making everyone around them feel
angry or unappreciated or ignored, and it's like offending them
(02:49):
in a understandable and genuine way, that's like my worst
nightmare to feel like I have done that to somebody.
I hate it, and watching it play out for humor
just it hurts. I can't find it funny. So I'm
gonna go through everything with Giermo in one shot, band
(03:13):
aid off, get it done, and then we can just
talk about the fucking much more Pratfall esque comedy of
the vampires. So Guillermo comes to say goodbye to his mother.
Then we get at the very end this amazing moment
(03:34):
where she is describing to his is his cousin. I
think that Guillermo comes like she's already he's already been
here like three times this month or this week even
to say goodbye, and saying that he's not gonna be
able to see her again. And then he just comes
back and tells her again. And I know, like the
(03:59):
joke is really that he did this because he didn't
know when the whole goodbye, like when would his vampirism
really come to the fore to the point where he
can't come visit her. Well, better get it done, say
our goodbye now. And then he finds out he's got
a little more time, and he figures, well, what the
hell I'll say.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I'll say goodbye once more.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
I have all this extra time. It doesn't seem like
she's in any danger. It'll be the last time I
get to say it. Now he's on time number three.
And there is something about knowing that if he ever
did fully turn to the point where he can't safely
(04:40):
be around her, what would she think about the fact
that he finally did stop showing up, And would it
fuck with their last goodbye? Because she treats this one
like she tries to be you can tell she's like
attempting to humor him, and she has mentioned earlier in
(05:02):
the episode how dramatic he is, and now it really
makes a lot more sense. At first, I was a
little bit that's a little snotty, like she's not wrong,
he is dramatic, but you know, come on, although if
our mom isn't allowed to say that kind of shit
about us, then who is I guess. But it's you know,
(05:23):
knowing now that he has like done this fucking farewell
forever mother for the.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
Last time in his head.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
But she has seen this already three times and he
just never is actually gone. She has to really try
to take it seriously for his sake, but she doesn't
believe it, so she's not giving him her full attention
or the gravity that like this sort of moment should
really get, you know, And I feel like I can't
(05:55):
tell if he notices or not. I don't think he does.
Guillermo acts vitually is incredibly self centered, and I'm really
beginning to like understand this about him because so much
of what he does is geared towards like waiting on
nandor and being there to do any little thing they
(06:18):
command him to do. All of the like you know, grunt,
gross work. He is portrayed as so helpful and constantly
available that I think of him as somebody who's like
that as a person, and I keep forgetting they are
(06:38):
the vessels through which he can achieve eternal life, and
so to him, of course he's going to be like
constantly aware of what they need. It's ultimately like very
self serving what he's doing. And also he has this
like God complex with them.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Well he did. I don't feel like he doesn't, Moore, but.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
The way that we have seen things with his family
and how little he is around, and the way that
like they clearly come first and are his primary concern.
He this whole episode is about how this is a
goodbye to his mother, and he spends eighty percent of
it watching the news or on his phone trying to
(07:24):
get a.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Hold of them.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
If he gave a shit about saying goodbye, he wouldn't
pay that any mind. He would be like, this is
what they always get through. Shit, I'm just gonna leave alone.
It's none of my business. This is going to be
potentially the last time I can ever talk to her,
and I just the only thing that I can assume
(07:49):
from the fact that he doesn't pay nearly the attention
he should to this momentous situation is that either he
doesn't really care about his family very much and he's
not that sorry. Or he has grown himself a little
(08:13):
tired of these dramatic goodbyes and so it's not hitting
for him either because he's done it too many times.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Or and this is an interesting option.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
He doesn't really care about his family and he wants
the drama of it more than he feels like, oh,
I have to do this to make it look good,
or this is my duty or anything. I think like
he craves the drama of it, and that would explain
why he like breaks down in the elevator the way
(08:47):
that he does.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
You haven't seemed to give a shit.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
They've been sitting right in front of you, and you've
utterly ignored them, and then you're leading and you're breaking
into tears.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
I just have to put that down to drama, queen.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
And you know that it's always just like what it
turns out it is too. It's his mother's birthday, you know,
talk about like perfect goodbye days that you should be
very hyper aware of. You are showing up at her
birth their final birthday of hers that you will ever
get to go to. And I look like as he's
walking to the door, he says, most people don't think
(09:27):
they'll ever have to say goodbye to their mothers forever,
which is like such dark humor, you guys, because that's
literally like we all, if we have mothers, know that, yeah,
that will come someday. And again, the fact that he
is so unaware of anybody else's situation and how wrong
(09:50):
he is in this statement, it's just more evidence he
is actually like very obsessed with himself. And I should
have known that, you know, like from the start he's
been out here burying bodies, helping lure young virgins into
the house to be murdered, and he hasn't thought a
(10:10):
thing of it. So I really should be aware of
the fact that, like Guillermo is self absorbed and self
serving and actually not like a good guy. But it's
so easy because he is the softie in the midst
of all of these maniacs who has very little power
(10:31):
most of the time, and we see him getting kicked around,
and it's just really easy to like lose sight of
the fact that, Okay, he may be pitiful like worm Tail,
but ultimately you're one of them, you know, So suffice
to say what I have described is really most of
his deal. He you know, tells us it's the last
(10:53):
time as they get into the apartment, finds out that
it's his mom's birthday and that he forgot to bring
a gift, And really what he should have done at
that point is turn around and leave once again, like
how are you going to miss the opportunity to give
her a gift for the last time for her birthday?
But he decides to stick around, and I guess just
(11:14):
hope nobody notices, even though his cousin is very like
obviously giving him a stink eye over it, and I
can't remember what his cousin's name is. I'm sorry, guys,
I'm gonna jump ahead to that part in the episode
and see if I can catch them saying it. But
(11:35):
throughout the evening, like, he spots the news and he
just can't stop tuning in attempting to call, so he's
basically just got his phone in his hand and is
pressing redial like continuously until eventually somebody picks up and
he is not noticing any of the conversation that's going
(11:58):
on around him. Everybody is like frustrated because they're telling
stories and he isn't like even clocking that there's something
else happening. And then his cousin starts to get on
his case about it and mentions it like several times that.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
You are really.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Too glued to your phone. It's the screens, Miguel, that's him, Miguel.
And ordinarily, when you have like a character like this
where there's a family dinner and there's one person that
keeps harping on another person, Ordinarily that kind of thing
I really don't like because it makes them just seem
(12:42):
like a bully. And Miguel is definitely like a little
bit of a bully, but I feel like in this
case it's sort of a bully for a good cause,
where he is just like, dude, it's your mother's birthday.
How am I over here doing more than you pay
the fuck attention? What is wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (13:01):
You know? And I really.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I just normally this sort of thing, I'm just like,
shut the fuck, just leave him alone. Because you tend
in these sorts of this comedy where it's like anxiety,
you tend to be on the side of the person
who's like the main character. Even if you kind of
know what they're doing is wrong or that they are
up to something that's fucked up, you're just instinct when
(13:30):
they have been the center of your attention is to
side with them and kind of want to see them succeed.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
And so I just.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Really would have thought I'd get more annoyed with Miguel,
but instead I'm just so pissed at him this. You
know what this actually makes me think of is this
is like an episode of Seinfeld, because Seinfeld is the
same way, where the characters are like getting criticized for
things and they're getting a lot of shit, but you
(14:00):
know that in actuality they're pretty much worse than everybody
even knows.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
And so there's this like.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
This sense of justice when somebody finally says something to them,
and when they wind up having lost at the end
of the episode, you can't even really feel that bad
for him. You're just kind of like, yeah, well, that's
probably what you deserved, my friend. I wish that I
could remember, because there's a point where Guillermo has called
(14:29):
them over to the table and looks horrified that Guillermo
has just gotten on the phone and he says Mimo,
and Guillermo starts to sing a song in Spanish, and
it's a play on the memo, I think, and I
(14:50):
can't remember what it was. When he started to sing,
I was like, oh my god, I know that song.
It's just one of those kind of like I don't
know if it's a cumbia orselsa technically, but it's one
of those that's like just a bit of a folk
song that you hear a lot. And I recognized it
and I was like, oh my god, I can't believe
I'd actually know what he's singing. And now it's like
(15:12):
literally on Hulu. The subtitles just says Guillermo sings in Spanish,
which is so so sad. Hold on, I'm gonna just
play it out loud here. Apur te nocuku, don't call me.
Don't we call me crazy? Right, I think? But I
(15:35):
may be getting that translation wrong. And the one I
remember was like a duet. I think that's the one
that you hear the most often recorded in like you know,
the sixties or seventies or something. But anyway, I just
really liked that bit because I actually like knew what
he was referring to It's just one of those things
you guys said. I have such a tensative relationship with
(15:58):
the Hispanic side of myself that anytime I actually get it,
I'm very excited because I'm like.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Ah, finally I get something. I can connect with something.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
But there's precious little of it out there. So all
of this ends with Eventually, after this like drawn out
phone call and constantly obsessing, he goes back and his
mother is very irritated, obviously, taking off her jewelry and
sitting on her bed, and he's like, where'd every body go?
(16:29):
And she's like, the party is over, Miela is fucking
cleaning up, dude, It's done, and she just obviously is
unimpressed with him, and he has to do his whole thing,
and she just has a really good reaction to it, honestly,
where she just and it makes sense if she's done
this three times, she's gonna have like perfected the response
(16:51):
she has.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
So what she says is just.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Basically, well, if it's what makes you happy, then you
do what you need to do, you know, just.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
Like follow your dreams.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
And he really takes that to heart, and I just
could not when She finally explains that he's done this
so many times.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
That this is embarrassing.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Year mo, come on, man, you have fucking have some dignity, dude,
you just don't like, Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
It sucks.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Oh I can't even like take satisfaction. And by the way,
she gives him a cross and that shit burns him.
So he's like transforming enough that that's beginning to have
an effect. He has to put this the cross, like
on the outside of his collar. And I was watching that,
(17:43):
and I was seeing her like looking at his reflection
in the mirror, and I know, and anybody else who
has ever been in this position knows, there is zero
percent chance she didn't fix that and put the cross
right against his skin. And it's interesting that, you know,
all of his family are like vampire killers, but did
not pick up on what was.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Going on with him.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Now, everybody does seem vaguely annoyed, and that could just
be his behavior, because that would be completely valid, but
it would be kind of funny if there was just
an edge to it, because they can sense a little
vampire thing going on and they don't know why, but
it's like getting their fucking dander up. You know what
I'm saying, but there's no further progression visibly, and it
(18:29):
doesn't seem like anything else that episode is you know,
he ate a traditional Mexican meal, like there's tamalies and stuff.
There is a lot of garlic in that and apparently
no problem. And lucky you, because I know the point
of being a vampire is that you don't have to
eat anymore, and probably food isn't even that appealing to you.
(18:51):
But I just the idea that you could just never
taste garlic again, that's horrifying to me. I know I
spent time talking about the garlic thing in another episode.
I'm sorry to keep hammering on it, but you guys,
you know I wonder too, because like different lures have
a different sort of reaction to vamps eating, Like in Twilight,
(19:19):
Edward hates it and like doesn't taste good anymore.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Swallowing is horrible.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
But obviously in this show we have seen Naja and
the Baron like eat something because they wanted to taste it,
and she threw up, but she said it was worth
it and that it was like I think she said
something like those are almost as good as the ones
from my home or something, so she clearly can enjoy
it even if she doesn't actually enjoy it fully. And
(19:50):
I've like that might be a deal breaker for me,
the idea that, like the joy that I get from
food would simply stop, and I, no, you would, I
guess get the same joy from blood. But that's some
like one node to me. I guess, like the point
is that it's not everybody tastes different, but it's like
(20:12):
in Sookie Stackhouse, all the blood types are specified when
you buy blood, so you can choose like, oh positive
if that's the one you like the taste of, and
different people, of course based on things that they've drunk
and eaten. So maybe it would still be like pretty dope,
But I just can't imagine giving up the array of
(20:33):
food for one substance forever. That sucks, get it anyway.
So then he finally leaves and we find out and
he's sobbing on the fucking elevator and on the way down,
he like yanks the banister of the elevator right off
by accident, and the dude who gets in the elevator
(20:56):
just gives him a really weird look as he says,
like it was like that when I got here. But
then you should just put it on the floor, dude,
just put it down, don't hold it like a staff
like you're about to, like, you know, get in some
kind of physical fight with somebody. So okay, then now
let's back it up to the very beginning of the episode.
(21:17):
We start off with the news coverage of a water
main breaking. And y'all, I absolutely love any jokes about
local news. I find them really fun, especially because nowadays
I don't really watch local news ever anymore. Right, I
(21:39):
don't think it's that much of a thing. Most people,
if they ever do watch it, they'll watch it online,
they'll watch clips. They won't even watch the whole show.
It tends to be a lot of older people, especially
for morning shows, when like you have something on while
you're just getting ready for work type thing. And so
I have this like image in my head of what
local news was like frozen in my head, and anytime
(22:02):
that I see the jokes, they very much match up
with what's frozen in my head, and that leads me
to believe that like, very little has actually changed. I
am very much more willing to believe local news has
stayed pretty much the same in overall vibe than that
everybody else who writes these jokes has stopped watching it,
(22:23):
and they're only writing from what they knew in the nineties.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
And the thing.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
About local news is that it's this really like wild combo.
It's supposed to be strictly local. They'll always still touch
on international events, but it's always a completely different tone, right,
And again, speaking from memory, not recently, I don't know
how they do this stuff now, but the local stuff
(22:50):
is often like very trivial and sort of silly, and
it has to be treated with this like earnestness, and
it can be very goofy to watch them attempt this
somber attitude about something that's sort of not really that
big a deal, like this burger place is closing after
all these years, you know, and it's like everybody's like, yeah,
(23:13):
the guy's a racist, whatever, fine, close it.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
But then there's times.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Where they have like their their high season, and that
usually is when there's like a weather of emergency, and
so the weather guy will be a star for a
little while, and all the stories will be about how
people are preparing for the storm, how the fucking grocery
stores have been looted, and there's fighting in the streets
(23:39):
and everybody nail your window shut, and that will be
like the twenty four hour news cycle for a little
while until shit begins to happen, at which point they
always have to make it seem like worse than it
is because that's the drama.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
They have to do the drama.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
And I remember as a little kid when I was
in Connecticut and they were predicting this normal and my mother,
my mother was like much more practical and kind of
knew this isn't going to be that big.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
A big deal.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
But my grandmother, she is a gardener and she lives
on the coast, and she was the drama queen, like
for real, and so anytime that there was a prediction
of a storm, it was like the earth was ending
and she would glue herself to that TV and talk
about nothing but all the preparations that she was making.
(24:29):
And this Nor'easter, she was obsessed. It was like three
full days of them talking about it. Meanwhile, every time
they talk about it, the vibe is off, like it's clear,
it's not it's slowing down. It's not going to hit
us the way they thought. It's not going to be
as hard as they thought, and then finally it hit
and it was barely a storm by the time it
(24:49):
got to us. And I will never forget this dude
standing on the beach in front of the most calm, lapping,
gently ocean you've ever seen. And they're like, how's it
going on the beach down there, Jim, And he says, well, Tom,
the best word is ominous, And he was trying so hard,
(25:10):
you guys, to make something out of this. Nothing is
going on.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
And he was so dead pin and serious.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
And it's like, we can see Jim right behind you.
There's nothing going on.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Bruh.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
I know this sucks, but you come on. And I
gotta say, probably my grandmother ate that shit up. But anyway,
so that's like what I remember is the attempts to
make things into more drama than they are.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
So that was the only.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Thing about this episode that I felt like it was
almost missing a beat for me, because I wanted them
to zero win on this a lot even more than
they were and make a bigger deal out of it
than they were. But they mostly hit like the exact
right notes in the meaningless crops talk conversations, the questions
(26:02):
that are just like so obvious and pointless. And I
am always a fan of the like uh Man on
the Street interviews and like sharing best ofs from those,
because you will get some real characters in those. You'll
sometimes get people that are straight up weirdos. You'll get
folks who are very funny, or you'll get somebody who's
(26:23):
just like dead weight, and you're like, you can clearly
see the anchors, like why did I have to stop
this guy?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Jesus Christ? And so what we've started with is this
broken water.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Main and Nandor who is giving this like excited interview
about seeing it happen, and all of this camera footage
it's like going to the water spray up against this
window because the waterman's on the ground right, so it's
like a sinkhole.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
I guess that caused this.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
And so it's pouring all over the power lines and
has knocked things down, and he's just talking about how
he went for his evening walk for his mental health
and then suddenly crash burst and then water it shoots
into the air and then like all over the street.
And she says, have you ever seen anything like this before?
(27:16):
And he says, not since the Great flood in eighteen
ninety two. That was a big boy, which I actually
went and like looked up some of that, and I've
already mostly forgotten what it was, but I believe it
was something like a glacier or something began to like melt,
and it was like a combination of that and like
(27:37):
a dam that was in place that was not holding up.
And yeah, it basically like poured down the river and
completely like flooded Manhattan and stuff. And it was hard
to find a map. I was trying to find like
one that really outlined which areas got got. But anyway
(27:58):
he says this, I'm like, obviously you could say, oh,
he fucked up.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
It's a giveaway. But it's so clear she just does
not think about it, like she she makes a joke.
She's not at.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
All suspicious that this is.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
She just assumes it's a mistake.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
He misspoke, that's all. And Nandor in his true fashion,
instead of seeing the tone that this is being handled
with and just rolling and being like, uh me, he
has to fucking try to correct it in the most
suspicious way possible. Uh nineteen ninety two, I said, eighteen
(28:43):
ninety two, But no, I met nineteen ninety two, because
I that was not a year that I was alive
for in my you know, human lifespan, but nineteen ninety
two most definitely was.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
So oh yeah, it was.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Nineteen ninety two. Then, although I have been living in
Staten Island for many centuries, and again stops dead as
he's realized what he's done. And at this point you've
drawn attention to it, so she can't just let it
go that you just said many centuries.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
You have to again.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
Now she has to mention it his great skincare routine
and the secret to eternal life, and she has to
sort of like he literally turns and skippers away, and
she has to do what she can with that weird
ass interview, assure them I will be right here on
the ground for whatever you need. As we see this
(29:48):
just like spray of water going up behind her. And
what I want. I want for this weird bit with
nan door to go viral and for there to be
a person sharing the clip of him saying he's lived
here for many centuries, and there to just be a
(30:11):
tiny group of obsessed fans who are like conspiracy theorists
to give this interview way more credence than everybody else.
Anyone else is thinking it's just a joke, he misspoke,
or he was just like playing a bit, you know,
for the camera for that, and they'll all just write
(30:32):
it off, and then there's gonna be like this little pocket,
sort of like the Mosquito people who all decide, oh no,
that was for real, maybe not vampire, but there're definitely
like something's up with that guy, and it becomes even
though they think it's a solved problem by the end
of the episode, it turns out like it's not. But anyway,
(30:53):
so he sprints home chanting, shitty, shit, I fucked it, shit,
I fucked it. He goes running into the house and
he is looking for Guillermo because he doesn't know what
to do, and he has Colin turn on Channel five
and tells them all the truth about the interview. And again,
(31:16):
if they actually, like watched the way this went down,
I don't know if they would have believed that he
fucked it up either the way that he presents what
he said, because they don't actually see it. He says,
I accidentally told Joanna Roscoe that we have lived in
this street for many centuries, and so now she and
(31:40):
all of the viewers on Channel eight News Live at
seven know that we are vampires and now all of
we humans are going to have all of the humans
are going to drive us out of Staten Island as
they did from the old country.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
That's not jam.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
So he presents it very much like I said a
thing and now they all know when we know that's
not at all what happened. He thinks he fucked up
much more than he really did. It would be harder
to get somebody to believe you were a vampire than
like for you know what I mean. But they don't
actually see the interview. They just hear his like saying
(32:17):
it this way to them, And I can't decide if
they would have watched it, would they have drawn the
same conclusion as him. Are they all as paranoid in
like in this way where they don't read people all
that well, Because it just feels like Nindor usually doesn't
(32:37):
have great judgment and he does tend to be the
dumbass out of all of them, not that they aren't
all dumbasses in their own very special and unique ways,
but he really is like the lowest tier. And I
kind of think probably at least Colin Robinson would be like,
she's not, dude.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Did you see the way she reacted? She does not
believe you. It's fine.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I love the way that Colin Robinson decides to go
absolutely bonkers. He loses his entire mind and he just
starts punching holes in the wall, knocking furniture over.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
He just reaches up and like pulls.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Down like a wall clock for no reason. And you know,
a part of me thought, are you just feeding into this?
Because you're sort of feeding off of this, Like is
the upset energy in the air a tasty treat? And
so you just want them all to be more worried
than they are. But it seems like for the rest
(33:38):
of the episode that he is dead serious. It's not.
There's never a sort of like wink at the camera,
you know. So what we get then is everybody like
figuring out how to handle what's happened. Naja has dyed
(33:59):
her hand blonde.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
Honestly, the bitch looks good as a blonde, Like I.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Prefer her dark hair, but she could pull that off. Well,
that was pretty good. And she is saying that you know,
we all know as vampires, this Jake will be up.
Eventually people will notice it's the same folks living here,
and we're gonna have to blow the popsicle stand. So
(34:27):
given that we are all aware of this, we have
go bags, we are prepared. We know, like the routine,
and I have to assume in today's world moving it
has to happen even more often. You know, there's just
more people to notice people, like areas are more tightly
(34:48):
populated and to a degree that can make you disappear.
But with social media, it's very easy to pull things
up now that should be old enough at this point
to who really show age like and time has passed.
You know, if they, for example, our friends here, you
know they are presenting in their like mid to late thirties,
(35:11):
maybe their early forties. And if you are that old,
there will be documents of you from a younger age
accessible on the internet. It's just gonna be out there.
So I have to assume, like I said that, if anything,
the amount of time that they have lived here, that's
(35:31):
a pretty good record they have been what is it
this this son neighborhood. Nandors says for like many centuries
and there's I think it's approaching the time where people
are going to begin to be like, oh that guy,
it didn't I feel like I've seen him around got.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
He looks the same, you know.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
But anyway, so yeah, her whole thing is like, I've
been chased out of places all over and you really
don't want to be going out there.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
With only the clothes on your back.
Speaker 1 (36:06):
And I love this like the way that they do,
like the classical paintings, but they like change the faces
and the context and everything. So yeah, she's got the
go bangs, She's changed her hair, she is ready to
go Laslow. On the other hand, initially his plan is, well,
(36:27):
we have to kill Joanna Robinson, which is the name
of the anchor, and rightfully, so, everybody's like, what the
fuck would that do? Because the whole point is that
this was transmitted live to you know, thousands of viewers presumably.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
And then he amends this to.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
We're going to kidnap Joanna Robinson, and when she says
what good will that do, he says, it takes us
to step two and she just ignores him, which is right,
you know. It turns out like a couple of people
ask him and he doesn't even really have a step two.
I don't think ever do we hear anything like a
(37:13):
step two And we never actually get to one because
the car winds, you know, they get fucked up and
they don't go through with the thing. But it really
was like I was kept waiting for it, thinking that, oh,
it's gonna be really wild, and the joke is that
you just never find out which I like. And meanwhile,
(37:35):
in the background, as he's saying like that brings us
to step two, Colin Robinson is walking by doing that
thing where you like hold up a lighter and you
spray a can of hairspray behind it so that the
it's like a flame thrower. And I will tell you what,
everybody that as just some background business is fucking hysterical.
(38:02):
He's not doing anything, you know, like, what is that.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
I don't like.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Maybe it's supposed to be that he's burning away cobwebs
or something for because he's putting in place all of
these like booby traps and weird like trick door stuff,
and maybe he's like, Okay, got to clear the space
because I'm about to go to work in here, you know,
But it just looks like him doing something fucking nuts
(38:31):
for the sake of making everybody around him panic as much.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
As they can.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
And Yeah, as he's doing all of this, Naja is
practicing her new identities Sally Rubarb, I am a blonde
girl from a large farm and my BlackBerry pie wins
every year at the county fair. And she's about to
sit on the bench and Colin says, don't sit there,
(39:01):
and she says why not, and he tosses her bag
onto it and a fucking spear comes out from the
seat of the chair upwards that would have impaled her
up the ass, and she's like, what the fuck it.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
He's like, this is our last stand.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
The house is booby trapped, and she's like, why is
anybody gonna attack us? And then just go sit on
the fucking bench. Who's doing that? It's not gonna do
what are you doing? And I was very excited when
I saw all of this getting set up because I
was like, Oh, we're gonna get a pretty good payoff
where there's gonna be all kinds of like weird booby
traps coming off, and the whole episode goes by and
(39:42):
we don't get it, and I was like, that's very surprising.
But then you get the post credits thing with Giermo
just like falling down the Hall in a really good
bit of like physical comedy, and I'm assuming a lot
of that stuff is put in post, so it's just
like CGI, but it's like fun to watch. I thought
it was quite well done. So yeah, they all have
(40:05):
their different methods by which they want to do things.
Naja wants to run Leasla wants to fight back, but
like in a sneaky one on one sort of way
that's indetermined, and Colin Robinson is just planning for a
fucking flat out battle. Meanwhile, in the background, we also
have like Evil Mabel, who is practicing her fencing, and
(40:29):
she finally says I'm gonna run, Like why don't we
run together, and the way in which Naja is like
we oh cool, Oh my god. I feel so bad
(40:53):
for Evil Mabel. I like, you, Evil Mabel, come hang
out with me. I'll be your friend, you bloodthirsty slut.
But no, it's just these like ungrateful assholes. I feel
so bad. I just want her to be able to
have friends. She's she's never done anything wrong. She's just
(41:15):
a weirdo, and they're all fucking weirdos. So who gets
to say anything about that. I love the fact that
there is one bit with a cinder block that crashes
down and hits Nandoran Brakes.
Speaker 2 (41:26):
I forgot about that.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
He attempts to go on the evening news and mesmerize
everybody to forget what they saw. But he's in the
middle of his weird approach of the camera when they
cut away because there's some other like emergency weather thing happening,
and it could be that they just cut away because
but I also think, get this fucking guy off the screen.
(41:53):
You know, probably somebody in production is just like, why
the fuck cut cut away? Okay, thank you, whether report,
you know. So he comes home and he's like all like, oh,
I took care of it. Don't worry about it, guys,
and they're like, actually, you definitely did not, because they
cut you off. So he then says, okay, maybe we
(42:17):
do have to kill Joanna Laslow or Joyanna Laslow Joanna Robinson?
Speaker 2 (42:22):
Is it Robinson?
Speaker 1 (42:23):
I got that wrong too, because that's Colin Robinson, who
the fuck knows Joanna, and Laso convinces him, no, no, no,
we are are changing our plan over to kidnapping. So
Nandor gets on board with this even though, like I said,
there's no step two. And so when Giermo finally gets
(42:44):
through and Leslo picks up first of all, even though
all Nander has been doing is like, where's Guillermo. When
Lesla gets on the phone with him, he doesn't tell
Nandor that's who he's speaking to, and he doesn't accept
any advice. Want to hear a word out of the
kid's mouth. He is basically like, the fuck are you
(43:04):
talking like telling me what to do?
Speaker 2 (43:07):
You're not my boss.
Speaker 1 (43:08):
We've got this handled. Nobody asked you. Go fucking away,
and he as he's like telling him this, Nandor has
come up with a sack that he's like, this is
the perfect size for us to grab Joanna and lasts
like the fuck it is, but she's we're gonna fit
Joanna's entire body in there. That's never gonna fit her.
(43:31):
And they have this like back and forth about it.
Nander keeps yes, it, well, fine, get in it, and
you know, it doesn't even come up to his hips
and they're just like bickering, And so all that Guillermo
can hear on the phone is that they are planning
on at the very least kidnapping her, and I'm sure
he is assuming that they would go on to murder her,
and he wants to leave. He's freaking out, and this
(43:54):
is part of what he like doubles down on paying attention.
But it's just too late, dude, Like, they don't want
your help. You have got to get out of this
toxicity here. And then he brings out another bag and
it's like transparent so they'd be able to see that
she's in there, which extra funny. I love to At
(44:15):
one point, when Naga comes downstairs, it turns out that
she has also dyed her Dolly's hair blonde, so they
still match, which is, I don't know, kind of adorable.
And Nandor decides that he is going to get up
on the stairs and give them all a pep talk
(44:38):
in the style I'm sure of what he used to
do when he said Nandor the Relentless. I love when
he says his name because she asks him in the
interview in the Cold Open and he says Nandor the Relentless,
and she says Nandor Delorentess, and I was like, oh,
actually that's pretty good. He could like just start saying
(45:04):
that and it would still hit, you know.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
So yeah, he's like, we.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Have got to work together. We all have our part
to play, and I love that. He's like, okay, so
let's get on with it. And Na just says, yeah,
this is all your fault, you know, like just reminding
him she should too, because he really did fuck up
so bad to two times, you know, and then he
had to go back and correct it. But fuck that up.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
So talking about history.
Speaker 1 (45:37):
And maybe one day you'll get to tell someone that
what you did during the Great Vampire Battle instead of
that you were shoveling shit in Louisiana. So this is
when Guillermo comes home and he says, no worry, no
need to worry, because I have a plan, and he
(45:58):
sets I forgot that he sets off this this one
because it's like just getting Colin Robinson. I wasn't really
counting it. But he like hits the trip wire that
trips the noose that like tightens around Collin's ankle and
yanks him up side down into the air. But yeah, everybody,
(46:21):
when he gets here, you know, like he hurried home
from saying goodbye to his mother for the last time,
tries to give Naja a compliment about her hair. She
utterly ignores him, and everyone else is just like, you
have your life and we have ours. We can quite
easily survive without you. And he looks so hurt, and
it's like, okay, then, well fine, I guess you guys
(46:44):
have it all under control. And I really like again
the hurt look. I can't be sorry for him, because
you have family, actual family, and you just want these
weirdos to approve of you so bad. And this is
when he starts to go down one of the hallways,
(47:08):
and Collins says, I wouldn't go that way if I
were you. Have you ever heard of a bouncing betty?
A shrepnelman in the authentic German?
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (47:18):
And he very very slowly backs away, but he winds
up going into the living room and he's able to
go in there and watch TV and chill with his
little plate because of course, there isn't a way that
they are sending him home without a plate, so he's
got all these leftovers and stuff since he fucking didn't
pay attention at dinner, they still gave him to Molly's
to take home. Basically want to Molly's kids real bad.
(47:42):
But he's watching here and she is standing there happily
reporting the happy ending. The Waterman's been sealed, the leaks
underground have been brought under control. And as she's standing there,
this weird looking car comes up behind her her and
we see both Guillermo and Laslow sneaking up. Guillermo with
(48:06):
this fucking like this expression on his I can't describe it,
just like the most shittyating grin of like a little
kid who's about to steal like a piece of cake,
and he's got the sack and he's got it hanging
open as he comes up behind her. Truly, the fact
that her cameraman hasn't said anything to her, I would
(48:30):
kill him if I were her.
Speaker 2 (48:32):
I would be like, what the fuck?
Speaker 1 (48:33):
I'm sure Actually she's like, good, I need you to
keep rolling.
Speaker 2 (48:36):
I would want to catch that, you know.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
Like, But they come up right behind her, just as
they begin to notice that their car, which they thought
was in park, is rolling backward into the sinkhole, and
it disappears in a little like puff of dirt. Uh.
(48:58):
They run up to it and they just jump into
the hole with it. So now she's like the woman
Joanna is like, well, now we've got a new situation
like that's happening with some more violence and the car
and the destruction, and then they catch sight of Colin
(49:20):
Robinson who has run up to the news van and
she says he's throwing fire in the van, but he
walks away and that bitch explodes. It was a stick
of dynamite, like.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
That shit is.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
Her screen goes like in the color bars for a second,
and they're just like, uh, we've lost our Staten Island feed.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
We're working with.
Speaker 1 (49:44):
Our team to make sure everything is okay. And it
turns out this is all happening in like Sean's front yard.
So he steps outside at this point drinking a beer
and just chucks some of the beer onto the truck
that's like on his van that's on fire to try
and like put it out. That's his like effort at firefighting. Meanwhile,
(50:10):
our gang is literally flying into the air to get
the car out of the the hole in the ground,
and she is naturally freaking out like did you get
this that these people are flying until finally Evil Mabel says,
I think Johanna caught us lying on tape, just FYI.
(50:32):
So of course they try to go running after the
news fan they've already taken off, so they are like,
all right, well, no time to lose. They four turn into.
Speaker 2 (50:45):
Three four No evil.
Speaker 1 (50:48):
Mabel, They turn into bats and just leave Colin Robinson,
which fair. And then we go to the actual office
and you guys, this is the weirdest shit. This really
reminded me of Sukie Stackhouse. I don't want to say
because of spoilers if you haven't watched True Blood, it
(51:10):
doesn't happen in like the Suki Stackhouse novels, but the
True Blood show there is a point where a vampire
goes on TV and kills an anchor in a very
memorable fashion, and it's truly like one of the highest
points of the show. But at this point Nandor comes in.
He mesmerizes all of the two anchors, and we find
(51:36):
out the weather man, and then they get on camera
and tell everyone that they have forgotten what they have seen.
Apparently the shit works on camera, which is totally fine. Sure,
and then instead of just taking off, they realize like, oh,
(51:56):
it's gonna look really suspicious if there's just empty seats
here to the people who just joined us. So they
decide to like read the teleprompter and just do their
jobs and try and be as like normal as they can.
So they managed to like mostly pull this off right
until they go to the weather Colin Robinson, who, by
(52:21):
the way, what a pep peppi peather man, a peppy
weather man. They show scenes from the puppy parade, and kiddos,
I need a local puppy parade.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
Immediately, what the fuck?
Speaker 1 (52:36):
But when we go to Colin Robinson, he's wearing like
some tactical vest that like blends in with the background,
and we've got Evil Mabel who's like drinking the blood
of one of the anchors, I think the weather woman,
and drags her off. But there's still this huge splash
of blood on the screen back there, and he's just
(52:57):
trying to play it off like we didn't just see
that woman get dragged off.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
I don't know how this, like how.
Speaker 1 (53:05):
They're intending to explain any of this, because the people
who just joined have to have seen this, so I
guess we're just meant to believe that nobody thinks anything
is out of the ordinary here. But anyway, he gives
a great report for weather for the pup parade, and
(53:25):
then they move over to Laslough Cravensworth, who gives some
info on the football game against the Cowboys, which, actually,
considering his background with like the volleyball team, I'm willing
to believe he probably is the best person to talk
about what's going on in sports, Like he might actually
have his finger a little bit on the.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
Sports pulse in general, but.
Speaker 1 (53:48):
Otherwise, like it doesn't really matter because he is reading
off a teleprompter too, So that's fine, I really do.
I'm curious and I don't want to look it up
because I'm afraid I will like accidentally spoil myself on
something unrelated because that happens. But are the anchors and
like this particular channel and everything, are these actual local
(54:13):
Staten Island news anchors? Like do they get guest stars
for this? And I'm just not picking up on exactly
who they are because I don't recognize them, or are
these just is this just like a completely made up thing?
Because it would be kind of fun if they had
the actual cast, you know, if they had the two
anchors and whatnot participating in this, it would be really fun.
Speaker 2 (54:35):
So yeah, this is the.
Speaker 1 (54:36):
Point at which Giermo is talking to the camera and
he's I think heading down to bed, and he just
like there's like a blowtorch behind him, and a couple
of blow darts cross his path, and then a chandelier
that falls.
Speaker 2 (54:52):
There's a huge.
Speaker 1 (54:53):
Pendulum like blade and something that just pushes him from
one wall into another, and I think like a rain
of gunfire and axe that comes flying at him, spikes
come up from the ground, and then there's a guillotine
that drops, and he just looks at the camera and
is like, what the fuck is happening? And that is
(55:14):
how the episode ends. So, uh, miss t says, I
guess nothing out of the ordinary for Staten Island. Oh
my god, I really like that explanation, Miss Tea. That
never even occurred to me. But I love that the
implication that like, oh yeah, they're dragging a bloody body
off the sound stage whatever.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
Staaten Island, am I right?
Speaker 1 (55:36):
Like I like that explanation a lot. But yeah, So
I really liked this episode. It was like difficult because
of the whole Gyarmo thing, because you know, I dealt
with that plot line first, and as I'm like going
through the episode to each section of his plot in
(55:59):
order to cover it, I realized, actually, his shit takes
up more of the episode, I think than the vampires.
If not, it was at least even, but I was
thinking that his was sort of like the little side thing,
and really their setup is brief and then.
Speaker 2 (56:16):
We go to him for more extended periods.
Speaker 1 (56:19):
So yeah, it was just like so uncomfortable and I'm
just mad at him just in general, and just am
frustrated with Guiermo, you know, and that's the point. So
I guess they're doing their job, all right.
Speaker 2 (56:31):
I'm going to.
Speaker 1 (56:31):
Wrap this one up. Thank you guys so much again
for listening. Appreciate you all, and until next time to
lu motherfuckers. That was an Unspoiled Network podcast.