Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering what we do in The Shadows Season five, episode four,
the campaign. In this episode, Colin Robinson is the one
running for office instead, and he doesn't want the job,
(00:27):
which makes it even funnier. Meanwhile, Nandor is making a
new friend who doesn't want to be friends, and we
have a whole thing with well Haslo turning out to
be the weird Bacchus like creature of luck for the
(00:49):
family quote unquote of Natcha.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Welcome to spoil Me.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Welcome to the show everyone. I am Natasha. Thank you
very much to Max for commissioning this episode, and thank
you to Max for understanding I got computer problems and
then I got sick, and I have just been behind
on everything. And I also want to mention, you know,
if anybody's watching this and sort of wondering if I'm
(01:37):
ever going to upload the first episode of this. There
was an error with crowdcast, and the sound is gone,
and I had an error on my computer and it
stopped recording, so as of right now, I am missing
the last fifteen minutes. Weirdly, it's on crowdcast like the video,
but When I try to download it, it won't download,
(01:58):
and I don't know why. So I'm working on it.
But that's why it's not up yet. It's not just
that I'm behind, although that's also part of it. So anyway,
this episode actually I felt really solid about. I don't
love the subplot with Nandor. I mainly the thing with
(02:21):
Nandor is that he this is sort of his mo O,
is like to make friends, or so he thinks, with
a person who really has no interest in being friends
with him. So that's like the thing, you know, we
keep doing this where it's meant to be bit that
(02:46):
he is going out and finding somebody new.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
So that he can.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Either he can like either make somebody jealous, or he
can like get away from the other vamps because they
are sort of leaving him out of it. There's always
like a different reason, right, And I just feel like
we have done this a little bit too much. And
the fact that what this is all hinging on is
(03:14):
that he is trying to make Guillermo jealous. It falls
a little flat because he doesn't really like bring this
guy around at all, so the attempt to make him jealous,
it just feels like the only time that it really
comes up is talking about him around Guillermo or he
(03:36):
gave the guy Guillermo's number, But it doesn't feel like
that's as much of a focus as I kind of
wanted it to be. I thought that the dude himself
was going to sort of just be like, side, what's
the word I want? He would just be sort of
like the jumping off point for nandor leaning into the
(03:59):
jealous thing. And instead we focus on the guy a
little bit more than we needed to, and I don't
feel like it added very much because his reaction to
everything is pretty predictable. It's just as he says as
he's leaving, I got to get the fuck out of
this city, which you know what, probably isn't the worst idea,
(04:21):
but mostly, you know, the fact that he had wanted
to be circumcised. My very first question was won't this
just heal immediately? And for me, it didn't. It was
not believable that Guillermo does.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Not ask that question. He would think of that.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
You know, he just refuses to do the circumcision, which
totally fine, But I just really felt like Guillermo is
somebody who talks logic most of the time, and is
the one to sort of like step in whenever Nandor
is about to do something foolish and he doesn't do that,
and he is just.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
That's his role.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
So if he doesn't stop and go, wan't this just
heal immediately? Like I know, the joke is supposed to
be that, oh, and he drops Trau and he has healed,
and so it's for not But like even if he
were circumcised, the dude would have still been like, I'm
out of here, you know, it wouldn't have mattered.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
I didn't feel like that joke paid off enough to
warrant the overlooking of this major thing, which is that.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
He will heal instantly.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
So that's just like all I'm going to say pretty
much about that plot point. I do really enjoy, though,
that Nandor is going to the gym to meet people
at all, Like Nandor being at the gym as a
vampire with his super strength, that is just really funny.
I really like that premise. I like there being like
(06:07):
you know, it's a twenty four hour gym, so he's
able to be there with other people who are more
night owls or you know, work night shifts or whatever,
or day shifts. I guess I don't know however that
would work out, you know what I'm saying. So I
hope that they don't drop the Nandor at the gym
thing entirely after this, because it feels like pretty fertile ground. Actually,
(06:32):
what I would enjoy a lot would be if Nandor
met another vampire at the gym and the two of them,
because you know, as it stands, Nander could just completely
outdo anybody human when it comes to lifting, and you know,
like that's just a complete there's no contest at all.
(06:57):
But if there were another vamp coming to the gym
and they were actually challenging one another, and what like
all the other people around them might think watching what's
going on with the two of them. I feel like
that could be a really good time. So that's when
(07:18):
I am sort of that's my my druthers. At the
very least, that they keep that plot point of him
going and I overall Nandor being like kept out of
things because Guillermo is attempting to still keep it quiet
(07:38):
that he has turned into a vampire. I feel like
there's only so long that this can continue. There's got
to be a breaking point, and I'm really curious what's
going to happen, because he's going to get impatient, or
Giermo's going to do something by act, or Giamo's just
(08:02):
going to discover what's really happening here. Like That's the
part that I'm sort of waiting for. Is Gamo still
hasn't asked the question about his ancestry and how it
relates potentially to his being turned. And I'm really surprised
by that, Like I feel like that should have occurred
(08:22):
to him by now. So put it down to like
a couple of different sort of out of character things
with Giamo that he hasn't thought of that and that
he doesn't think about nandor healing immediately. I feel like
if we have too much of this of him sort
(08:43):
of acting out of character so that the plot just
is able to continue doing what it's doing, I'm going
to have to call it out. At this point, we're
at like an acceptable level mostly for me mostly, so
we'll see, we'll wait see.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
But yeah, I just really the overall thing for me
most of the time, with other things that I have covered.
You guys know, this is if you manage to keep
things consistent and make characters behave the way they behave,
and the characters are interesting enough, the stories will begin
(09:25):
to write themselves because they are just going to do
what they do. And I think Guillermo is an interesting
enough character that you don't need to have him be
like totally clueless about stuff. He can speak up, they
don't listen. That's part of how it's been. That's fine,
you know, but it also builds like goodwill so that
(09:46):
when you do start to pull stuff like this later,
I will let it go. And as of right now,
they have built enough goodwill with me for the show
that I'm letting it go for now. What's going on
with Guillermo at the moment, but it's sort of like
you're on notice at this point, you know. So anyway, uh,
I want to talk about like I'm gonna talk about
(10:08):
the two secondary plots first. So we have Naja, who
is really getting along with her little Antipaxo's family, and
she is she there's a really great moment where she's
talking about how she's like working there and helping, and
(10:28):
they show her making a salad and she's just sticking
those like little red stirrer straws that you use for coffee,
like into the salad, sticking up like a porcupine. And
then she just grabs some of the little creamer cups
and piles them on top. Baffling. I really enjoy because
(10:55):
you know, if they weren't as old as they are,
this bit wouldn't work. But the ams are so old
and so completely out of touch with what it was
like to be human that they genuinely do not remember
anymore what they eat or what this is. Even like,
even if they did remember, these little creamer cups don't
(11:17):
resemble anything like they've.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Used when they were alive.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
You know, it doesn't Just like I just love that
little sight gag because it's not mentioned at all, You
just kind of see it, and it's brief. And there's
also a point at which like the grandmotherly one is
trying to feed her and keeps like lifting it looks
like a pita or something that's got some like dip
(11:44):
on it into her face, trying to get her to
eat it. And she is eventually manages to sort of
intercept this woman and redirect it and put it back
into her face, which everybody seems to think is a
really good joke. So I did find that very cute,
because if you are around this type of woman, they
(12:06):
do literally shove food in your face. It's really remarkable.
But what it turns out thereafter is they all want
to meet las Low, and they don't like. She doesn't
know how to introduce him to them because she doesn't
(12:28):
want him to ruin stuff. She's very anxious about this,
actually more so than I was expecting, because I just
sort of thought that she would be like, well, if
they don't like him, whatever, But she seems genuinely concerned
about their opinion. And he comes in and he's wearing
(12:49):
a blue fuzzy caangle, a green T shirt that says
four score and several beers ago, a wooden, chunky beaded
lariat necklace I think like red basketball shorts. And he
(13:10):
speaks to them like the cave people. He says me, Laslow,
do you people have names? Or do you communicate with sticks?
And they like look at each other. There was a
moment at which I was like, well.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
I'm not even sure.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Maybe they don't speak English so they won't be insulted,
But of course they speak English, and they all just
sort of well most of them seem to, and they
look at each other in such a way that it's
clearly like, what the fuck? They are not impressed with him?
So he I love that he shakes the dog's paw
(13:48):
and says lovely to meet you, and Naja tries to
explain that he was dropped on his head as a baby,
and they all sort of like nod as if they're
gonna let it go this time, But there isn't a
sense of like, oh, we believe you. It's more like
they know that she's just trying to explain away bad
behavior and they are going to, for her sake, let
(14:10):
it go this time. So it was sort of weird
because I was like, is he trying to fuck up?
Because I felt like Laslow the last episode that we had,
he was like very good with people. That was his
whole thing, or not maybe the last episode. It might
have been the one before that, but the whole point
of it was that he is trying to show nandor
(14:33):
I know human psychology better than you, and I know
how to like smooth things over. So again with the
sort of like out of character thing where he's completely
like fucking up this introduction and it feels sort of
like the opposite, like he's doing the opposite thing, and
(14:56):
I don't know, you know, I started off this Episo
said saying how much I like this one? And I
did as I was watching it, But like, the more
I think about the kind of inconsistencies that are popping up,
I'm sort of starting to be like, well, it's not
like it wasn't enjoyable in the moment, but if you
stop and try and like consider any of the continuity,
it's beginning to sort of fall apart. And I'm wondering if,
(15:18):
like I don't think the writer's strike had anything to
do with this, If I'm not mistaken, I feel like
this was released before the strike began. I'm just trying
to think why this show would have been so good
with internal consistency for the most part up until this season.
(15:41):
And then we have the thing with Flaslow saying that
he's not good at mesmerizing when we know they are
that he is, and that it was nandor who isn't
it Just like the reason that I went to writer's
strike was that I was like, maybe it's you know,
we have people on board who are writing the season
who were involved with writing previous seasons, and so they
(16:02):
don't have like a good grip on the lore and
they should have gotten some beta viewers to watch it
and picked this apart a little bit. But he eventually
does a second try. He shows up, Oh my god,
(16:23):
I forgot about Naja pouring coffee on top of the salad.
When she brings it over, this woman looking at the
camera in horror, like am I being punked? So Laslow
is like, oh, I'm going to sing a song that
they're all going to remember, so let's begin, and he
starts singing in Greek and it's apparently the song of
(16:47):
their like mortal enemies, and Naja is explaining, don't sing
the battle hymn of our neighboring island Nicidia mongo Nisi,
because that place is the home of our mortal enemies, Nicidiamongolians.
So what he was singing apparently was kill them, kill them?
(17:10):
How many times have I said that to you in Greek?
I really do enjoy that bit, and I don't think
that this is necessarily meant to be read into as much.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
But like.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I my husband, you know, has Adhd, and I know
he's doing his best. But there will be times where
there is something that I have done in front of
him fifteen twenty times, and I'll ask him to do
it instead this time, and he has no idea what
(17:44):
to do, and I have to suddenly stop and realize
that despite me assuming that he was observing while I
did the thing, he was not, and that it clean
sailed over his head, that just completely passed him by,
and he has no idea. And it's really tough because
(18:05):
for me, I can't help but observe what somebody else
is doing. I feel like there's just something in me
that wants to be able to do the thing also
every time. The only exception is sometimes like stuff with cars,
and even then I try to observe, I can't do it.
(18:26):
I can't absorb it, but I attempt it. But yeah,
he just you know, so her being like I've said
this in front of you a million times? How did
you know that? How did you not know that? And
him just looking at the camera and sort of shrugging.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's the exact response I get from Owen when I'm.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Just like, how I have done this in front of
you like a thousand times, and he just sort of
shrugs at me like, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah,
I don't know what I expected to quote arrested, development
know what I was expecting. So eventually we have the
(19:08):
bit where he shows up and he has decided that
he's not going to try anymore with all of them,
and Naja is so irritated.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
I love her expression throughout all of this.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
He says, Now, I know I'm different from you people,
but I am who I am, and who are you?
I hear you ask, Well, that's a good question. I
am an esteemed British gentleman, well bred to the manner born.
I can speak fourteen languages as long as they are English.
(19:44):
I can play any instrument apart from the bagpipes, they
sound fucking terrible to everyone. I can fashion any tree,
any hedge into a vulva. I love the woman that
sort of like gets an expression on her face. I
have survived, gone a chlamydia, the plague, clubfoot, leprosy, black fever,
(20:07):
yellow fever, night fever. The way he delivers night fever,
you guys, I could not. That just was so unexpected.
I thought we were getting a scarlet fever, you know.
But most important and I must emphasize that this is
(20:29):
the most important thing about me. I am a certified
master cocksman. To cut the short and get straight to
the point.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
You can all go for fuck yourselves.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
And I love it he says for for fuck yourselves,
not just says, oh, for fuck's sake, Laslow, and the
subtitles are telling me that he says right after that
very hard, which I did not catch on viewing because
I was distracted by the fact that the Graham was
getting up. But I love that he just adds very hard.
(21:07):
So this is when the grandmother stands up and she's
gesturing to him, and she like very tentatively walks up
to him before embracing him and starts saying something, and
everybody else begins to get up and come and embrace
him as well, and you're like, what's happening? And Naga explains,
(21:31):
there's a tale that's been passed through generations of a
wet headed, wide bodied, ignorant oaf with the brains of
a chewing gums. This spirit is said to continually reincarnate itself,
but always as a pompous, perverted oath and my family
(21:54):
think it is well, Loslow. And when you are in
the presence of this spear. It brings good luck and
good fortune to everyone. Vasilias Pioroni, the King of Pigs,
my King of Pigs. I swear to God, I love
(22:17):
this development so much. I hope this doesn't just go away.
I want there to be them to do more with this.
You know, wide bodied, oaf with the brains of a
chewing gums. Truly beautiful stuff, gorgeous. I loved it so much. Ugh,
(22:40):
I do want to mention whoever was doing NA just
make up this episode though. They need to lay off
a little bit because that lipstick was crazy. It was
joker mouth, like lipstick should go up to the corners
of your mouth, right up to and stop, but hers
goes all the way around and it just makes her
look bananas. So all right, now we're gonna pack up
(23:06):
and we're gonna talk about the main event, which is
Colin Robinson's campaign. So we start off with the discovery
of like him running instead of Sean because as it
turns out, Sean has too many Duy's. I love this
(23:27):
and Staten Island. There's a rule a candidate can't have
more than nine DUI's. Most Staten Island office holders only
have two or three too real, you guys, too fucking real. Look,
there may be some places that are like more respectable
about this sort of thing, but if you come from
(23:49):
a sort of shit town, our town here in Dennison, Texas.
I can't remember if it was us Sherman were kind
of considered like two halves of the same town by
most people, which is fair in a lot of ways.
But there was a guy who I recently had him
(24:12):
pop up in my memories, and he was running for
like district judge, some position as judge, and it was
maybe it was county judge, I don't remember, but he
it turned out, had like four duys and a potential
(24:35):
like hit and run case that he had gotten thrown out,
and they were not only still considering like hiring him
after that, but they nominated him as person of the
Year for my town, and like eventually, I don't know
if he even got the award, but somebody managed to.
(24:58):
After he was like fin hired from another position or
voted out finally and should have just gone into obscurity,
somebody got him a job with like as like one
of the heads of the power station some position that
requires some responsibility and he just got given it basically
(25:20):
because he knew the right people and was making somewheres
upward of one hundred grand a year at this job.
You know, like white men just failing up. That's the
only way it works apparently, I mean Jesus Christ. So yeah,
this is this is just too real. I love though.
(25:44):
We see Sean going and collecting his campaign signs and
he sees the one for Barbara Lazarro and he just
like punches hit and the slogan they're going for is I'm.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Fallen for Colin.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
But yeah, so Colin is saying that he is completely
clean his records, so there's going to be no problem
for him. And we see that the person that he's
running against, the woman, bar Lazarro, she has definitely been
in a lot of comedy things. I recognized her, but
I could not place her. I didn't look her up.
(26:23):
But her strategy that she's running on basically is that
she plans to initiate a new computer system that will
render all bureaucracy essentially obsolete. They won't ever have to
do it again. Everything will be automated. You won't need
to file things in triplicate you won't need the you know.
(26:47):
And of course this is the thing that she starts
off with in the debate, but before we quite get there,
we just have like the on the road campaign stuff
him out and about in different neighborhoods, handing out flyers.
I love that this little girl takes it and he's like, well,
can she vote? And the mother says no, and the
(27:10):
little girl drops it and he says, well, I would
rather I would rather it just lay on the ground
than be in her hands. Oh my god. He's like
going around talking to people on the street. He's going
up to like, uh, construction workers and having him like
(27:31):
having them like poke his belly and every now and
then you get just him feeding. He's just getting a
total smorgas bored as he puts it, I think it's bored.
I think that's what Cam corrected me because I said Borg.
I think a lot of people say it incorrectly. Is
Borg And I just picked it up because I feel
(27:52):
like he says borg on the show. Actually but uh, regardless,
he's doing all of this and then he's like, oh,
but I need a good campaign wife, and he goes
into this breakup support group to find Evie. I'm so delighted.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
I wish that she isn't.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Like at the end of this episode, it seems pretty
clear Evie's out, We're done, you know, Like it seems
like that's pretty much a rap. But I just enjoy
the byplay between the two of them, And I wouldn't
have minded a little bit more.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Of this if I'm honest.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Uh it was. It's totally like legit that they decided
to less is more and back out of it. And
probably you know this, this actress has other shit to
be doing. But I did really really enjoy the two
of them and the way that they like work off
each other.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
It's wonderful.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
And so he goes in to the breakup support group
and interrupts all of these emotional people who are clearly
like feeling a bit of a way like in terms
of romance. So him doing this thing in front of
them is a real it's gonna conjure some sincere emotions. Uh,
(29:21):
and just does the thing that like whenever you're going
through a bad breakup that you kind of wish you weren't,
you fantasize about happening, which is I miss you. I
can't stop thinking about you. I'm so sorry. We never
should have ended things. It was like, you know, just
everything that he is saying, it's all just the fantasy
(29:46):
of what.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
You wish would happen.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
And you know, most of the time it's for the
best that it does not happen that way. If we
got what we wanted all the time, our lives would
probably be fucking messes.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
But can you just imagine it?
Speaker 1 (30:01):
You know, things like this, And I love that he
keeps saying, like, to me, you are perfect, and then
he keeps like naming and dating the movie that it's from,
so it's like, you know, love actually two thousand and
five or whatever, and then uh, I can't seem to
quit You Broke Back Mountain and whatever the year that
(30:24):
came out. But she you, guys, I had forgotten. I
wonder how much of this is ad libbed. I really
would like to ask about it, because I feel like
probably they've got some things that are like on deck
(30:45):
in the script, and then some things that probably she'll
just like add a little pizaz to take it a
little extra, you know what I'm saying. So she's like,
I never thought I would see you again after you
fled the scene of the act accident that left me
partially blind and unable to move my legs. But she's
(31:08):
like standing up as she says this, So I guess
the implication is meant to be that, like I couldn't
move my legs and eventually I got better. But it
definitely feels just like this bald faced lie in the
moment that I was sort of like, why would you
say that? And then she says how the doctor said
(31:31):
that I would be better off dead, and then one
of them, like the doctor hanged himself while master painting. Oh,
you guys is too much. It's too good. I just
love her characters so much. It's so insane.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
I just you know, like we have all.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
Met somebody like this, and it can go one of
two ways. Like, especially in fiction, there are people like
this that you are genuinely like, my god, how does
anybody like get through it?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
You know?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
The vibe of that type of person is that they
just tell you about shit that's going on in their lives,
without seemingly the understanding on their own end that this
is horrible what they're experiencing. They seem to think it's normal,
and you want to be like, babe, that's.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Not normal at all.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Oh my god, that's horrible. And I have met a
few people like that who sort of just treat it
as like a matter of course, you know, and I'm
just sitting there struck dumb with horror. And then there
are people who it's not necessarily that they're lying. I
don't want to say that that's unfair, but they exaggerate
(32:55):
at the very least, or they are so focused on
everything terrible and they manage to pull whatever bad things
are going on into any conversation and it is so exhausting.
(33:18):
And it's like in fiction, this sort of thing can
be played for laughs really easily, especially when it's a
character that isn't really leaning into it, that doesn't seem
to know how terrible things are and says it in
a very matter of fact way. Because comedy works best
when it's a surprise. So if their tone of voice,
which is very cavalier, doesn't match what they're telling you,
(33:40):
that's extra funny. But like, there's there's a woman at
the dog park that I go to and I'm gonna
put this out here knowing full well there's a risk
someday she may ask me what my show is I'll
forget that I've said this. She'll find this very episode
and listen and hear this. I think it's unlikely, but
(34:00):
this woman, she's perfectly nice, but she always has had
a run in with somebody that she feels the need
to share. And sometimes it's goofy and like kind of
(34:21):
a nothing story that she seems really obsessed about. And
sometimes it's something so boring that the fact that she
brings it up, and it's always something. The first time
that I met her, I didn't realize that she was
like this. So she talked about a run and she
had with somebody at the dog park where their dog
sort of went after her dog, and you know, that
(34:41):
can be scary when people aren't watching their animals and
it feels like yours might get hurt. So even though
it seemed like she kept bringing it up and we
had sort of exhausted the subject, I wasn't holding it
against her, because, like I said, it can be upsetting,
and I had never met her before. But the next
time I met her, there had been a different run
(35:03):
in of a different type, and she was still feeling
quite a way about it, and I was starting to
kind of be like huh again. And then the next
time I saw her a run in with a person
at the like optometrist who didn't want to give her
the prescription that she wanted, and how she felt about that,
(35:27):
And it was just like every time I ran into her,
it was a whole fucking story about something. And in
her case, it wasn't exactly that she was like trying
to get me to feel.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Sorry for her.
Speaker 1 (35:40):
It seemed more like she was attempting to paint herself
as some sort of like badass and was like, and
I'll tell you, I just said to him, I just
said right out like blah blah blah blah blah. And
it was just funny because like what she was claiming,
it wasn't like that big a deal that she said that.
She was just saying what was truly happening in front
(36:03):
of them. So it felt really like, I feel like,
you want me to congratulate you, but that's like just
what anybody would have done.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
I think.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
It seems like she did not totally agree with me.
But all this to say, when you've got somebody who
just seems to have like a brand and they just
keep wanting to bring things back around to this particular,
like this kind of energy in the story. They always
(36:39):
need to feel like they're putting themselves forward as I
am the one who has been the most wronged or
the most hurt, or I'm the person who is like
tough and stands up to people, or I am the
person who knows the most about xyz subject. And every
time anybody tries to like do something else, I'm going
(37:00):
to bring up that I well, I worked at so
and so, and you know I did such and such.
It's just so exhausting, and you it's always shoehorned in.
It never feels natural, like the conversation, you know, It's
just it's just one of those things. So anyway, her
(37:20):
like whole thing here and the two of them walking
out together is very funny. And then we have the
actual debate, and I love this. So the first thing
that Colin does is as Barbara's talking, he spills all
of his papers and stuff and collects them from the
ground and is just like, oh, no, no, no, it's fine,
(37:41):
because she's like, do you need some help, and he's
just no, no, it's not my turn. But he is
like definitely drawing a bunch of attention away from her
as she's up here, and then when it's his time
to talk.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
I love the way that this is done.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
So first she starts talking about his fictional children sitting
down for breakfast with my beautiful wife, Evie, sitting down
with our two beautiful little boys, Connor and Christopher and Christopher,
and that's a running joke for the whole episode that
he can't seem to remember or correctly pronounce Christopher's name.
(38:21):
I don't think I would have expected this joke to
work for me as well as it did. I don't
know why it hits so hard, but the fact that
he can never remember Christopher's name kills me. It fucking
cracks me up. I don't know what it is. It's
(38:42):
like it's it's not like he can't remember the name.
It just seems like every time he starts to say it,
he kind of doubts whether or not he's saying it
right and sort of second guesses himself and stops so
that sh I just like, this was really hit for me.
(39:04):
Sometimes jokes do that, you know, Sometimes there are jokes
that just like for other people, they're just like whatever,
and for you they've got you rolling. But anyway, so
he What they do for this sequence that I loved
so much is they have him, like the footage fast forward,
(39:29):
so you see that he's like talking about something and
going on and droning, and then it fast forwards and
he is almost barely onto the next topic by the
time it comes to a stop, and then it fast
forwards again, and he says something about how who smells
(39:50):
of beef stew as most children his age do, which
just precious line. Oh my god, whoever came up with that?
All emys please, But I just really liked it because,
like I was sort of wondering to myself, how are
they going to keep this interesting when the point is
(40:13):
that they're boring you to tears? How do I watch
it and not feel the boredom myself as a viewer?
And they've just cracked it. They go, oh, well, you
don't have to sit through it. You will know that
it's happening, but you don't actually have to experience every
second of it, which is genius and I really appreciate that. So, yeah,
(40:36):
this all everything that he is saying is utterly irrelevant.
At one point he just says and I told him,
I said, well, you know, it's because of the taxes.
And I love what he did there was he like
pretends that his kid asked him a question and that
(40:57):
he answered because like the answer to the question was, oh, well,
you know, financial injustice or whatever. This is such a
real thing that people try and do. They try and
present shit as if like my child just happened to
bring up some certain thing. And I am not even
(41:18):
trying to pretend that it's universally impossible that their kids
brought some shit up, for all I know they did.
But using your child's to like get a topic rolling,
it just feels so cheap and shitty, and I like,
(41:40):
I'm trying to remember what it was when the.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Justice died. Oh my god, I.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Can't remember what it was. The kids said. It was
something about like oh right, this woman said that her
daughter like crossed her wrists and said Ruth Conda forever,
and like one that really doesn't even make any sense,
Like what do you mean, you know, like the Wakanda
for everything that's for black folks, like let them have that.
(42:11):
You don't need to bring this white powerful woman and
like take something away from the like black zeitgeist. But
also this woman shares it and I'm just sort of like,
what it. That doesn't sound likely. Even if it were true,
(42:32):
I would hesitate to share it because I would think
nobody would buy it. And that's pretty much exactly what
winds up happening. Is like the entire Internet turned against her,
just being like, yeah, that's not what happened at all.
And again, it may have been what happened, but it
just doesn't sound true. But yeah, So this eventually, like
(43:00):
he has really started to completely clean everybody out in
terms of their energy, and you see Eve stand up
and talk about how there was like a some machine
at the factory that rolled over her foot and how
a machine isn't going to be able to tuck her
(43:25):
children in at night, and she's like, how's that gonna work?
Bee boop boop, mah stupid, such a bad joke, terrible
thumbs down. Oh my god, it's so stupid that it's
almost funny. It almost comes back around.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
I don't know though.
Speaker 1 (43:44):
And eventually you see both her and Colin just out
in front of everybody doing their feeding face with their
like big weird smile and their eyes glowing, and they
walk out of there feeling really good about it because
Colin doesn't want the job, so he's like, I doubt
(44:05):
that I'm.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
Going to get a single vote. You were great, you know.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
The two of them congratulating each other, and then this
van rolls up and the two of them get bags
thrown over their heads and dragged into the van, and
the van drives away, And it really was funny to
me because, like, I would be very curious to know
(44:30):
what y'all thought was happening in this moment, because for me,
I was wondering if it was like the opposing team,
you know, had decided that he was actually maybe more
of a threat, or if somebody had figured out that
he was a vampire and saw him feeding and they
just decided, like, you know, either they want in or
(44:54):
they want to attack him, or I don't know what.
It never occurred to me what it is, which it
turns out like this is a basically like coalition of
energy vampires. I'm trying to jump ahead to the moment
where we because they're they're let inside and the camera guys,
(45:15):
you know how the conceit of the shows that they're
filming this like with a crew following them around. One
of the guys says something like, you're welcome to come in,
but if you're hoping to get interesting footage, you came
to the wrong place. So they come inside and it's
just a place loaded with beige and gray file cabinets
(45:38):
and those like really boring beige desks, you know the ones.
I mean, everything is beige and drab. They're wearing cloaks
that are like dun colored. And this woman leans forward,
calling to order the emergency meeting of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires. And apparently she and Colin didn't even
(46:02):
know Evin and Colin that this was real, and what
they do.
Speaker 2 (46:09):
I love this so much.
Speaker 1 (46:11):
It turns out like they're just here to soften up
the two of them before the main woman chimes in,
so we get this like amazing sequence of a variety
of infuriating things. This is the sort of thing that
I feel like I kind of want to send to
(46:32):
Rashon because I think that it would really hit for her.
Every time I run into some annoying shit involving Colin,
my instinct is always to just be like, oh, Rashaan
would really get this, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (46:46):
But the.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Whole thing is like, every time this woman starts to speak,
she gets a text message, she gets something like interrupts,
and she attempts to like open her phone, and obviously
she's not really trying to solve the problem, but she
has to make a show of trying to solve the problem.
(47:09):
And then there's another energy vampire who is cross talking,
trying to explain to her how to open settings and
where to go, but he's also pointing out he doesn't
know what operating system she's The whole thing is truly agonizing.
And then they've got another woman who she can't like
(47:30):
get her mic to work, so she's trying to talk
and everybody is talking over her, trying to explain to
her that they can't hear her. It is. It goes
on and on, and it does somehow manage to be
entertaining even though you want to tear your hair out.
And at one point Colin just says, God, they are good,
(47:52):
and Evie is just like, yeah, this is awful, and
I love the simultaneous admission of how great these people
are at doing this and how much they themselves are
suffering as a result of it. There's just something about,
you know, yeah, Wow, I fucking hate this you are excellent.
(48:15):
I love that like combination of energies. It's just so
strange that it really really works to me. So this
just goes on and on. Hannibal Bress is here and
I fucking love him. Sorry, I'm late. What did I miss?
You're not late? You were actually sitting there the whole time. Yeah,
but I wasn't listening, So could somebody bring me up
(48:36):
to speed?
Speaker 2 (48:37):
Please? Oh my god? Do people really do this?
Speaker 1 (48:41):
I don't work in like bureaucratic environments pretty much ever,
and do when people just walk in do they just
expect everything to come to a screeching halt as somebody
else tells them what was going.
Speaker 2 (48:56):
On before they got there.
Speaker 1 (48:58):
That is just so insane to me, Like the er
that is just the entitlement of that expectation. Bonkers. I
can't ugh whatever. Anyway, him, though, being one of the
(49:19):
energy vampires, is inspired. Hannibal Barress has the vibe of
somebody who's just gonna be going at a snail's pace
most of the time. Even when he's funny, it's always
sort of like this understated, like it takes a second.
Speaker 2 (49:33):
For you to realize it was a joke, you know.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
He has that sort of I think he's just really
really good casting for this. At one point, when they
roll out the UH display monitor, there is a black
vampire who is so tall.
Speaker 2 (49:50):
I don't know who he is if we ever find.
Speaker 1 (49:52):
Out who it is, but yeah, that dude is at
least seven feet and I was like expecting us to
acknowledge it because it stood out a mile to me,
and we just don't. And I was like, but I
want to know, please, why we have the seven foot
(50:13):
tall man here? Is he like a basketball player? Because
that's immediately where my mind goes when you have an
incredibly tall black man, which perhaps is just racism, and
I will cop to that, but just felt like we
were going to get something about how maybe there are
players on the court that fuck things up to drain
(50:36):
energy from the audience, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (50:39):
But anyway, anyway, so.
Speaker 1 (50:42):
This goes on for another little while and eventually the
the like woman in charge chimes in and is like,
thanks for softening them up for me, and she has
what the reason that she is UH calling this meeting
(51:07):
is because Barbara Lazarro's platform, which is to do away
with bureaucracy, poses a threat to their fundamental way of
life as energy vampires. The point of bureaucracy is that
it slows everything down and brings it to a crawl.
(51:31):
And if they are able to do away with it,
then what the fuck are we going to do? And
I love how she manages to like say this and
clearly mean it, but there's no sense of like urgency
when she says it, because she's just so deadpan and
(51:53):
like monotone. It really just oh god, it goes on
for so long, you guys, this whole thing. So eventually
when Colin is like, but I don't want the job though,
like he says, how do you expect me to beat her?
(52:15):
I can't win even if I could. I don't even
want to be comptroller. And she says, we have ways
to we have certain methods for persuading the reluctant. And
here they come with this like insane monitor that they
(52:36):
turn it so it faces them but is also facing me,
turn it so the screen is facing us. Uh okay, left, left, Yeah, okay? Thanks.
Slide one of five hundred and forty three Hurry Up
and Wait and Argument and Statistical Review of energy vampire
preservation via Bureaucracy Secured only through and Colin says.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
We'll do we'll do it, we'll do it.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
Just please get us out of here. And Hannibal says, okay, yeah,
but we're still going to read it, like sorry, but
we're still going to do it. Just to reiterate, just
watch it and read it. And then Colin turns to
the camera with this expression of like please help, please
(53:24):
get me out of here. Oh god, I really love
him doing that. That expression on his face of panic,
that really got to me. Delightful. So anyway, we then
jumped to him being over enthusiastic. He's on a live
(53:49):
or a zoom or something and he's jumping on his furniture.
He is just you know, doing the most and talking
about how how passionate he is and he can't and
finally he closes his laptop and he's just like, I
can't keep this up. I can't keep doing this, Like
(54:11):
this isn't me, it's draining me. I love this that
he has been given orders that drain his energy beautiful.
So eventually he's like, you know what, that's it. That's it.
I'm not doing this anymore, and he opens the live
(54:36):
again and he's in the middle of talking to them,
and he stands up and he has no pants on.
I don't remember what politician it was.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
I'm gonna go ahead and google it.
Speaker 1 (55:00):
New Yorker suspends Jeffrey Tuban. It wasn't it was a
journalist for masturbating on Zoom Call.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
Oh god.
Speaker 1 (55:14):
The call was an election simulation featuring New Yorker All stars.
Tuban apologized for the embarrassingly stupid mistake. Tuban says he
did not realize his video was on. I believed it
was not visible. I thought no one on the Zoom
call could see me. I thought I had muted the
(55:36):
zoom video. I can't imagine, like you guys, what kind
of I'm just looking at this. Both people who spoke
on the condition of anonymity in order to speak freely,
(55:56):
noted it was unclear how much each person saw, but
both said they saw Tubein jerking off. The two sources
described a juncture in the election simulation where there was
a strategy session and the Democrats and Republicans went into
their respective breakout room for about ten minutes. At this point,
they said it seemed like Tuben was on a second
video call. The sources said that when the groups returned
(56:18):
from their breakout rooms, Tubin lowered the camera. The people
on the call said they could see Tubein touching his penis.
Tubin then left the call. Moments later, he came back in,
seemingly unaware of what his colleagues had been able to see,
and the simulation continued, can you imagine, Oh my god,
(56:42):
Like a part of me is like, was that an
accident or did you just think you could do this
and nobody would call you out on it. There's a
part of me that sort of was like, that wasn't
an accident, because there are people who just enjoy the
power of being able to get away with something, you know.
So there's a part of me that's sort of like, yeah,
I don't know, maybe he was just fucking sexually harassing
(57:03):
people and he didn't expect anybody to say anything, but
uh yeah, this just obviously is a callback to that,
and e would think like that it would be enough,
just this thing. But then he gets on camera and
(57:24):
he's like, you know, at some sort of little press conference,
and he says like to his children, like I'm sorry,
but Daddy'll be coming home tonight. And then Evie steps
forward and then says thank you in advance for respecting
my family's privacy. During UH, don't touch me, she takes
(57:46):
his hand up while we deal with this isolated incident
in which my husband flashed and mooned the beautiful voters
of Staten Island after a poorly timed masturbation sash, as
well as the isolated incident in which we woke up
(58:09):
to what sounded like a burglar in our house and
my husband immediately yelled don't take her and my kids
don't take me, before realizing it was just a raccoon
outside our house. This man has led us all down,
but I will make it up to you by becoming
(58:29):
your next borough comptroller. So she throws her hat into
the ring, and it turns out that through the UH
breakup group that she was attending, she managed to get
all of those people to vote, and since only eighteen
people total voted for comptroller at all, she got the job.
(58:55):
I love it. I love it so much, and I
love how admiring call. He's just like, I'm really happy
for her, and I think she'll do a great job.
And then she shows up and she tells tells him
that she thinks they shouldn't see each other anymore, and
(59:16):
he tries to, you know, be like, oh, well, maybe
we can do and she's just like, no, I don't
want to do that. I don't know, I don't think so.
My favorite joke though, of the whole episode is her
giving back the necklace he gave her, and she says,
I hope you didn't pay too much forward for it.
It made me a it gave me a rash, so
(59:39):
I think it must be made of some really cheap
metal and he just says it's not metal.
Speaker 2 (59:47):
What the fuck?
Speaker 1 (59:52):
What is that? Oh my god, I wish it didn't
have to be this way, and he says, EVI why,
and she just says it's complicated, and she walks out,
and he looks at the screen and says Nancy Meyers
(01:00:12):
two thousand and nine. So that's how that ends, and
we get a brief after credits of Guillermo.
Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
And Nandor at the movies.
Speaker 1 (01:00:24):
Nander had taken his other new friend to the movies
and insisted on talking through it very obnoxiously. But of course,
as soon as Giermo says a word at this movie,
Nander bites his fucking head off almost so you know,
par for the course.
Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
Here, Shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
I'm trying to watch a movie here.
Speaker 2 (01:00:50):
Ough.
Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Guillermo, bless him, he's still happy. You still see him
smile after that. He's just glad to be spending time together. Oh, Giermo,
you poor sad.
Speaker 2 (01:01:00):
You gotta demand more, buddy.
Speaker 1 (01:01:04):
Anyway, all right, that's the end of the episode, so
I'm gonna wrap this one up. Thank you guys again
so much. I appreciate you all, and I hope you're
enjoying the coverage. Until next time to the Loo, motherfuckers.
Speaker 2 (01:01:48):
That was an
Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
Unspoiled network podcast.