What We Do In The Shadows, S04E08- Go Flip Yourself

Thank you so much to Max for commissioning this episode!

I'm so excited to talk about what might be one of the more brilliant episodes of the series, and that is the one that's a very long spoof of a home makeover show and ends ultimately in a stolen hat. I swear to god, this was SO good.

Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you soon with a new episode!

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
This is an unspoiled network podcast.This is spoil Me covering what we do
in The Shadows, Season four,episode eight. Go flip yourself in this
episode. So it's all come tothis. What looks like a really weird

(00:31):
choice on the part of an HGTVshow is discovered to be a very thorough
long planned, elaborate plot. Welcometo spoil Me, Welcome to the show

(01:06):
everyone. I am Natasha. Thankyou very much to Max for commissioning this
episode. Max. This is oneof those where I feel like we have
had You know, this show hashad its ups and downs. It's been
mostly up, but when it's down, it's real down. And then there

(01:26):
are episodes like this that really kindof make you go, oh, it
was all worth it, all,all the little dips and quality, all
of it was coming down to arereaching this ridiculous point and I am so
here for it. Oh it wasso unexpected, you guys, I did

(01:51):
not know what to think. SoI can't remember it was the last episode
of the one before, but wehad this really weird break in the middle
of the episode that was like ittricked me into thinking it was a real
commercial break for a moment, eventhough I'm watching on Hulu on their AD

(02:12):
free plan, So I was like, well, what the fuck? And
the only thing that what I thoughtat the time was maybe I didn't fully
sign in, because this happened tome on Funimation once I started to watch
One Piece and I was not loggedin, so it started to play an
AD, and I was like veryindignant because I was like, I pay

(02:32):
for the AD free plan. Andthen it turned out I had just started
to play it and I wasn't loggedin and that was the default. So
for a second, that's what Ithought it was. And then we come
right back to the show. Irealized like, oh, that's the fake
show that Nandor or Lasla was watching. And I was really puzzled because it

(02:52):
was like dropped in there like aregular commercial break, but there's no reference
to it on either side of it, and it's the only time it's really
mentioned in the whole episode, Likeit's not like the episode they talked about
go Flip Yourself, and then theydropped in this fake ad all of a
sudden, and I was like,oh, cute little reference. It was

(03:13):
an episode where that show wasn't broughtup at all, and then all of
a sudden, we're getting like afull length ad so this episode, Oh
my god. Martin's in the chatand he says, my dad actually called
the twist completely as a joke.That's amazing. I love that so much.

(03:36):
I mean saying it as a joke. That's what the show is,
right, Everything they're doing it isas a joke. So I guess that
makes sense or Dad should be awriter. So I have Pippin in here,
just FYI, who is recovering fromhis neuterings. So once again,
apologies for noise, but he's justsort of wandering around aimlessly here. The

(03:58):
poor guy doesn't know what to dowith himself. I gave him a topple
to chew on, and he's justsort of looking at it. I don't
know if he remembers that it's edible. He's drugged up, bless his heart.
But anyway, so we start offthe show as if we're beginning an
episode of Go Flip Yourself. Sovery abruptly, I'm like drawn into this

(04:21):
HGTV style world where we're getting likethe imagery of New York City and Staten
Island, specifically with a whole voiceoverintroduction the sun may have just set,
but we're just getting started, whichis fitting because we're in the city that

(04:42):
never sleeps. Although Toby here coulduse some help and I look, I
am hoping that absolutely everybody who watchesthis has seen one of these shows before,
because if you haven't, you aren'tgoing to be able to fully appreciate

(05:04):
how completely pitch perfect every aspect ofthis show is. It would have been
completely, one hundred percent believable asa real show. If you edited out

(05:24):
all of our vampire friends and playedthis for me in indeed, my dentist's
waiting room or something, I wouldn'tthink twice about it. I would absolutely
one thousand percent believe this is agenuine show. And I mean even the
name go Flip Yourself is a prettysolid fucking name, like this is exactly

(05:45):
the kind of name they would gowith. And Martin says, my mom
watches these home and garden shows allthe time. My dad and I showed
her this episode on April Fools thisyear. That's amazing these shows. I'm
just gonna do a real quick likea side about this because I love design.

(06:09):
I am a real sucker for agood before and after. I am
fascinated by the choices that people makein their homes and like how different their
taste can be to mine. Andeven when they make choices I wouldn't.
Sometimes the finished products, I'm like, oh, yeah, that really works.
Actually I would never have put thosetogether. But there are a couple

(06:31):
of different like columns that these showsfall under. And there's of course,
as a sort of related one,which is house Hunters, and they have
how regular house Hunters, there's houseHunters International, there's house Hunters like Tiny
Houses I think is the name ofit. But Owen and I have a
real soft spot for house Hunters inparticular because everybody on those is such a

(06:56):
goon like, even the people whoaren't wind up looking like due to the
editing, and the folks are workingwith these like budgets that are beyond belief.
It's been a kind of a memelately to be like, you know,
he restores vintage pencil sharpeners and theirbudget is two point five million kind
of thing. But these like Flippersshows, they always have these exact types

(07:21):
of beats where they will start thingsoff with their goofy little intro. They
show you the space and then walkit through each of the like people that
they're the clients, that they're dealingwith what they want, and there always
has to be the hang ups aboutwhether or not they're going to go with

(07:46):
the designs that they have been offered, and they make it into this big,
dramatic moment, and there is alwaysa really big setback of some kind.
And when I say really big,there's an Astros staff asterisk after that.
Sometimes it is a genuinely big setback, like a person was intending to

(08:07):
put in a basement and they findout that they're on a full like slab
of bedrock that they can't, youknow, something that's like causing a complete
redesign of a whole area, orthey're going to have to give up something
that had been pretty important to them. And you know, it could be
like, oh, we play thewhole floor plan centered around removing this one

(08:30):
wall, and we have just realizedthat this is a load bearing wall,
so we can't take that one wallout, which means absolutely everything else has
to be redesigned and rethought. Butsometimes it's like, oh God, the
wood around this window is really rotted. We're going to have to rebuild the
wall. The windows in and that'sgoing to add an extra two grand to

(08:54):
the budget. And there's this likefucking long, oh god, what are
the what are the client's going tosay? Where they see the problem and
the person in charge of all ofthe construction talks with another guy about the
problem and they make a big dealabout how much more it's going to cost.
Then they call up the client andpresent them the problem. Real dramatic

(09:18):
music, long wait note cuts asthe person hems and haws, and inevitably
they're like, okay, yeah,just do it. Just I'll pay the
extra because what the fuck else arethey going to do? And it's always
the same. They always have toput in something that feels like we're upping
the stakes and it's just very artificial. But it's effective, you know,

(09:41):
it really is. That's why itworks. And Martin says, I actually
find some of these fixing up yourhouse shows morbidly. It's interesting to a
degree as a civil engineer. It'salso funny to me to see people making
certain issues so needlessly difficult. Yeah, they have to, you know,
like even if there isn't an issue, I like to think that there's something

(10:05):
that they knew already. Going in, but they decide to not tell the
owner about so that when it comestime they can present that as this surprise
problem. But probably like on inspectionto begin with, they knew they were
going to have to deal with thislittle hiccup and they just saved it as

(10:26):
a treat. So anyway, Ireally really enjoy these types of shows,
especially as somebody who's poor and willlikely never get to indulge in the kind
of like massive change to my spacethat these people get to do. Like,
I have fantasies all the time.My house is from the sixties.
I think we have very old plumbing, very old wiring, tiny kitchen with

(10:50):
no space for even like a diningtable, so we eat in the living
room mostly, and I always thinkabout expanding the space, getting a dining
room, putting a back patio on, putting a front porch on. And
I don't think that it's likely I'mever going to get to do any of
those things, because the amount ofmoney you have to shell out is it's

(11:11):
just so much more than you everthink it's going to be. Every project,
I basically like mentally double it becauseit seems like what happens a lot
of the time. If you runinto any problems, the amount that you
have to spend goes up so quickly. So it's just a real like favorite
of mine. And it's especially withthis so great because I had just been

(11:33):
talking about how I thought things hadbeen sort of cleaned up inside, but
it wasn't really any better. Itwas like the vines were cut out of
the way in most big places,but for the most part, we were,
you know, dealing with leaves andjunk and garbage all over anyway,
So we when this starts, Igotta sited genuinely like regular ass excited because

(12:05):
I felt like, Oh, we'regonna get a weird makeover to this bizarre
house. How is this going togo down? And of course I'm thinking
also about the fact that there's tonsof bodies buried on the property, which
we do get addressed pretty quickly whenthey find like a femur in the front
yard. Oh Man, Martin says, my family's house is from the nineteen

(12:26):
twenties. We still have both acoal shoot and firewood depository in the basement.
What does a firewood depository look like? What even is that? I've
never heard the coal shoot. Iknow that one but that's wild. Yeah,
this the thing about old houses that'smy personal gripe. The number one

(12:50):
thing that's always tough is that thereare in like so many fewer electrical outlets.
If you have a modern home.They know how many vices we all
own, how many things run onelectricity now, but they didn't know that
when they first built these. Sothe outlets are just so few and far
between, which results in everything havingpower strips attached, which is not exactly

(13:11):
safe. But the number one thingfor me that I really hate, nothing
ever quite looks clean. When youhave a new home. Everything has very
defined edges, and you know whenstuff is clean because the white of the
paint on the baseboards is bright white, and you can tell when it's dirty

(13:35):
and you wipe it and it's whiteagain. If you live in an old
home, the number of coats ofpaint on that baseboard. First of all,
they paint right over like you know, drips from old coats or bits
of dirt get like painted into it, so it's like all uneven and bumpy,

(13:58):
and then like the dirt is becomeslike a patina on the paint itself,
and as you wipe it down overtime, it stops coming off,
like it's just part of the paint. So either you completely repaint it or
you just deal with how it looks. And if you do repaint it,
a lot of the time because ofhow many coats are already on there,

(14:22):
there's not an easy way to wedgea shield under the baseboard, So you
get paint on the floor as well. But because they already got paint on
the floor before you, if youdon't cover what they got on the floor,
you can see the old paint drippedout from like underneath it, which

(14:45):
makes it look old. Also,the only other way to do it is
to like chip away at the oldpaint that's on the floor, which takes
forever if it's been sitting there forlike forty years. Anyway, That's the
thing that always fucking bums me out, is that, like we can mop
our our floor and we can wipedown our baseboards, and we can know
our ship has just been cleaned anddisinfected, and it barely looks any different

(15:09):
than it did before. It's justso sad. Anyway. So these two
dudes, these twins, I don'tknow who this actor is. He looks
vaguely familiar and I can't put myfinger on it, but and it's like,
I'm assuming these are the same guy, but it might be two actors

(15:31):
who are twins. I haven't lookedinto this at all, so I don't
know. But guys, we getlike so many of the effects as they
go through, Like they zoom inon the house at one point, and
they do that thing where the lightcoming through the windows is brightened for a
split second. The opening of theshow where they're talking about turning people's home

(15:54):
dream homes into a reality, andthem like going back to back and folding
their arms and looking into the camera, and the montage of people like lifting
up their their blindfolds and looking atthe new houses and all of the like
slow mo like we're gonna speed itup, but then we're gonna slow it

(16:15):
down kind of thing. It's allso unbemeevably perfect. I couldn't This was
definitely it feels like it's done withlove, you know. It feels like
this was all done by somebody whoisn't like being a dick about like how
stupid these shows are. This issomebody who's like, these shows are fun

(16:36):
for a reason, and we're goingto like represent exactly what the fuck they're
like. So we get some likeinformation about Staten Island and they pass over
like a neighborhood of all of thesealmost identical looking houses. And then the
toughest challenge yet and these these tworoll up. There's all these like dead

(17:03):
animals on the front steps, whichI don't remember. They walk in and
immediately Naja grabs one of the brothersand just starts to drink his blood.
And he I thought she was goingto drink his blood and then mesmerize him,
but no, she just kills him. She just kills him. And

(17:27):
then the mesmerizing that happens a littlebit later is her making sure that nobody
notices that he has died. Sothis is Toby that she kills, and
it's brand that is the one theydeal with for the rest of the episode
before the big reveal of who heactually is. Simon the Devious Martin says.

(17:52):
The Daltry Brothers are played by Randyand Jason Sklar, two brothers and
comedians who previously used to do acomedy show on ESPN. Okay, thank
you, Martin, and like again, the Property Brothers for those who aren't
the Property brothers. That's a realshow, and they are brothers who look

(18:15):
I don't know if they're actually twins. I think they were triplets. And
there was a podcast that had arunning joke about how like the third property
brother was a mole man and likejust a sort of like shame of the
family. And the two others thatare good looking are the ones that are

(18:36):
put forward, and they just pretendthat the third triplet doesn't exist. I
can't remember if they are triplets ornot, I'll be honest, but I'm
going with it off of that likebit that they do. So we have
Brand talking to the camera and saying, how there's been a little bit of
a hiccup. My brother Toby isa little under the weather. And as
he is saying this, in thebackground, you can see Guillermo burying Toby

(19:00):
in the yard. And it's sucha goofy the mesmerizing that Naja does.
She's got like blood smeared around hermouth when she's doing it, and she's
like very sloppy about it. Eventuallyshe does something like how everybody who's involved

(19:22):
in the production of the show isn'tgoing to remember it either, and she
tries to name each of them byname, but eventually just gives up.
And then Nander comes running in fromlike offscreen and stops Guiermo because he realizes
that Guillermo is being caught on cameradoing the burying. So Laslow is doing

(19:45):
his like, Oh, I'm arailroad engineer and graphic designer, and I
really love this graphic designer. Iam not trying to say that graphic design
isn't a real job, because it'snot only a real job, it's like
so underappreciated and so in demand,and it's a make or break a lot

(20:08):
more than people want to admit interms of how a business like looks to
the world. But it is sucha common major, so there are a
lot of people who went to schoolfor graphic design, and it can mean
it's a general title for a jobthat can mean a lot of different things.

(20:30):
And so just being like, oh, I'm a graphic designer, you
could really just say that and itgo in whatever direction you want and it
would work. So the fact thatLaslow chose this, I think is perfect.
And he's like wearing the sequined jacket. I don't know what he's doing
here, but this is when wehave Colin coming in and just like fucking

(20:56):
around with stuff. He throws hishat on the ground, which is the
first time we've seen the hat ina minute. I didn't even catch it
at first, and Laslow is talkingto the camera and in the background with
all of this like bullshit that's alreadyin the house that we've seen a million
times. You've got this like randomwhite lamp eight sort of macrom hanging over

(21:23):
one of the windows, a woodenlike cut out that says home, and
then some other bullshit on the wallthat says follow your dreams. And you
guys, look, I'm not tryingto attack anybody here. We all have
our own taste, and to apoint, our taste is largely determined by
our budget and what's available to us. Right, So, if you live

(21:45):
in an area that doesn't have alot of shopping options, you're stuck with
whatever like big box store near you, whatever they've got, and or what
you can get online and like getshipped to you. And that can be
sort of like within budget, itcan be really hard. As somebody who
has recently been doing some redecorating inmy house, I've been doing it almost

(22:08):
all with leftover decor from my wedding. That's how I've managed to accomplish it.
And so I just really want topreface this by like, please do
not take offense to what I amabout to say here. But I'm a
member of a Facebook group called thePeople Against Modern Farmhouse. And while the

(22:33):
group is not really restricted to talkingabout modern farmhouse as a design on its
own, that encompasses so many differentthings at this point. So for those
who don't aren't familiar with this,the modern farmhouse esthetic is the most common

(22:55):
one out there at the moment that'sfinally starting to like subside and go out
of style in favor of a muchmore maximalist look. But what it was
was everything being white or gray,a lot of lighting fixtures being like black
wrought iron or looking very almost severe, I want to say, exposed bulbs,

(23:21):
that sort of thing, many surfacesbeing raw wood or made to look
like raw wood, and a lotof like like corrugated metal or ship lap
is mentioned by Laslow in like aprevious episode, and I never brought it
up. I forgot, but shiplap is a real like that's a big

(23:41):
one. That's a type of wallplanking that is used as a design like
focal point in a lot of rooms, and people fucking have gone nuts for
it and put it on everything,and it's so boring, and that's for
me. The main thing with modernfarmhouse is that I find it extremely dull.

(24:07):
It can look really clean, andif you've been used to a very
cluttered home, it can feel sortof refreshing in that sense, but it
never works when you're trying to actuallylive in the space. Modern farmhouse works
for an Airbnb photoshoot, but onceyou've got actual appliances and like the crap
of everyday living mixed in, itcompletely negates the sort of like calm,

(24:36):
neutral, one color style. Andthis shit with like words written on it
is a major offender. Things thatsay gather, live, laugh Love is
the major one that got made funof for such a long time that you
don't see live laugh love as muchanymore except for like really cheap shit they

(24:59):
see even to like realize that everybodywas mocking it and back away from it.
So now it's a lot of likethey turned a corner for a little
bit and went really hard with likehustle culture stuff, and like you know,
boss Babe and I fell prayed tothat for like a few months,

(25:22):
and then started to be like,oh, actually, I'm not loving the
direction this is all heading, butyeah, writing words on things and having
like just cutouts of words. Iam somebody who wants like my decor in
my space to mean something to me. I wanted to be like, oh,
this was a gift from so andso, or this used to belong
to my grandmother, or I chosethis color scheme because it's like matches such

(25:44):
and such. And the thing forme about a lot of like the modern
farmhouse look is that you're just literallypicking random objects to go together on a
shelf because they say family. Andin this kitchen we dance just shit like
that where it's like, oh,I'm pretending I'm quirky by buying something that

(26:08):
has been mass produced fifty thousand times, and it's turned into this wild like
you can't buy shit without words onit anymore. Everything says something on it,
even fucking like like you know,insulated coffee mugs, they'll say something
like before everything, comma coffee.You know, shit like that. It

(26:34):
was like I didn't even used todrink coffee, and I was trying to
get a mug and I couldn't finewith it, didn't say coffee, and
I don't I don't want it anyway. I'm so sorry. This is just
I feel very passionately about design,which you could never tell by the state
of my office behind me at thispoint. But if you've been around for
a while, you know it wasn'talways like this. This is just a

(26:56):
recent development due to depression and puppies. Pression of Puppies is a really good
like album name. So anyway thatcomes up like a lot in this episode
is like all of that sort ofinsipid, completely devoid of personality decorating that
people think is actually giving them personality. They're under this impression that by like

(27:22):
stating, how, oh, it'swine o'clock somewhere, you know that that
is somehow making you look like you'replayful and fun and it's just not really
doing anything except pointing out that youhave a drinking problem. You know,

(27:44):
there's a lot of the wine Momsstuff isn't one that gets made fun of
a lot in the group because thereare so many things where it's like reasons
I'm drinking my wine and it's likea personalized wine glass that has the names
of your children inscribed on it,and it's as good as saying I drink
because my kids are annoying. Andit's played to be like funny, but

(28:07):
it's it's it's just kind of not. It just turns a corner where you're
like, m I get what you'retrying to do, but what do you?
What do you? What are you? What are you doing? Though?
So I know I've said turns acorner a lot this episode. I'm
highly aware of it. I'm sosorry. So Laslow's talking about how he's
hoping that brand can help us embraceour space, and he says, this

(28:30):
house is all kinds of Frank Lloydwrong. He's quoting one of the other
episodes. We have an amazing bithere with Laslow and oh my god,
I always I always forget her fuckingname. I'm so sorry, guys,
marwa uh. They're newly weds witha passion for cooking, and he's got

(28:52):
this fucking cleaver and is just decimatingthese poor celleries but without enough space in
the cramped kitchen. And it's sogood, you guys, because that kitchen
is gigantic, but they have neverhad to use it, like I assume
The only person who's ever set footin there is Guillermo. We've never seen
the kitchen, I don't recall unlessit's been like just for a moment.

(29:15):
And Mar was behind him like purposelylike bumping into him to really point out
how cramped it is in here,even though he's got like four huge pillar
candles on the center island as he'schopping these vegetables. I could never candles
while I'm trying to do other stuff. There's no room for that on my

(29:37):
fucking counters. Are you kidding me? And then they go to like the
master bedroom and we see the bunkbed which nandor I guess isn't sleeping with
Mar what like, I don't meansleeping. I think they're not having sex.
It's unclear, but the fact thatshe's been in a bunk bed and
she's in like an attic room separatehim because he's sleeping still in his little

(30:02):
room with his coffin. So they'regoing to do something new with this room,
and he says, it feels likewe've been together forever. I would
describe my style as French country meetsshabby chic, which is a thing just

(30:23):
a lot of people say that that'sa very common one. So the fact
that they had him say that spoketo my heart. That's the spoof little
jokes like that, where you're like, oh my god, that's what fucking
everybody says. This is I loveit so much. I this is Marwa.
Chiming In would describe my style asFrench country meets shabby chic. And

(30:52):
we find out through the course ofthis episode that Nandor's wish to have Marwa,
like all of the things that helikes, is not actually working out
for him anymore. He is boredby it, frustrated by it, annoyed
by it, and it is Indeed, every time he says anything, she

(31:17):
chimes in with, I agree withmy husband, and it does feel like,
well, what are we doing?What are we doing? You know?
But what we get in this episodeis pretty great because due to that,
she has her own reasons for choosingsome of the designs that she chooses.

(31:38):
And the ongoing thing here is whatGuillermo decides to do is he calls
up a like as if he issomebody from like the city planning Commission.
I don't even remember exactly how heframes this, but he basically gets a

(32:04):
like puts brand in the situation thathe thinks he has to expand Guillermo's room,
and it's great, Like Guillermo hasno living space and none of the
changes that they're proposing to make here. I'm sorry, guys, if you
can hear my dog, he's justlike stuck with his little cone. But

(32:24):
none of the changes have been tooGuermo's benefit at all. Everything has been
to expand rooms unreasonably to make giant. This is I'm just going to like
talk about the way that they're likecompletely opening up the space because the house

(32:47):
as it is. I don't knowif he would technically call this victorian or
what, but he's proposing we knockout all the walls and make an open
concert first floor. Which here goesanother thing. Open concept. That's all
anybody can fucking talk about is openconcept. Listen to me, okay.

(33:14):
Open concept is a scam. Itlooks great when everything is neat and tidy,
everything is in its place, spickand span. That is literally the
only time it looks good, andeverybody always approaches Open concept is great for

(33:36):
if you have kids, you canbe in the kitchen cooking and you can
see your kids in front of thetelevision. Open concept is great for hosting
because your people can be hanging outon the couch and you can be in
the kitchen doing something and still conversingwith them. No, okay, no,
here's why. One, if youhave an open concept kitchen that's an

(33:57):
entire wall of cabinets and hound ortop and whatever that you no longer have.
You've either gotten rid of it entirelyso that there's no wall there at
all, or you have like anisland taking the place, and you knock
out the top row of cabinets,which is a very important section of cabinets,
so that you can see into theliving room, or they come down

(34:20):
part way so that you can seethrough out into the living room. But
you know what this does. Itmakes it so that anytime your kitchen is
not completely spick and span, fromany point in the house, you can
see that it's a mess. Andthat's the part nobody likes to talk about
that unless you are okay with theirbeing like a kind of disaster area in

(34:47):
your periphery every now and then,you're never getting away from that. And
if your kitchen is delightful but yourliving room is a mess. You can't
be in your kitchen unaware of thatcut off from it. And also if
you're hosting, you can't be inyour kitchen just getting things done because there's
gonna be people coming over and talkingto you, streaming in and out of

(35:10):
this like galley sort of space.And if you've got children, oh my
god, are you kidding me?You can't just like go in and do
the thing and come out while they'replaying TV. They're in the mix with
you, they're involved with you,and you can't have your own little TV
while you're watching a thing or whatever. It's all jumbled up together in a

(35:30):
way that everybody acts like is thisgreat idea and it's not. It's a
bad plan. And there's a reasonthat different rooms have been sectioned off from
each other historically, because they servedifferent functions and are meant to be divided
from one another so that you canhave distinctive decorating styles in each one,
so that you can have spaces wherecertain people are not able to go,

(35:53):
or that it feels like a sortof out of bounds unless you ask,
like that's the reason. And sothis open concept thing has always been something
for me that has been touted andtaken up by so many folks that any
house you go and look at nowadays, it's all done that way, and
I hate it. I want aseparate dining room. I don't just want

(36:16):
the kitchen to flow into a spacewhere you could put a dining table if
you wanted. I want a walland a door for a dining room so
that I can put furniture in thereand make an area that is distinct.
And it just makes me crazy.I'm so sorry, you guys. I

(36:36):
know nobody fucking cares, but I'mjust this is what this episode is about,
so I'm just doing it, okay. And he talks about bringing in
lots of natural light, which Giarmais the only one who seems to see
that that's probably not a great idea. And then we go to the master
bedroom. But we could make ithis and hers mega closet with custom shelves

(36:59):
for Naji's shoes and her doll anda dedicated wall with hat racks for all
of Laslow's dope hats and all ofthis again, like it's Laslow is one
hundred percent on board Nandor is prettymuch on board the attic. They're like
talking about making it into a masterSweet Slash Love nest, but Nandor is

(37:24):
not super excited about it, sohe presents, what about if we made
it into a man cave, andthe man cave is just like a bar.
We've got a popcorn machine and likea it looks like a what do

(37:45):
you call it? Ping? Iwant to say ping pong, It's not
you know what I'm talking about,where you like pull the lever and it
flings the ball upward and makes itgo rolling around a couch and television.
And when Nander's like, what's aman cave? A man cave is where
you do your man's stuff, andhe gets very excited because no women are

(38:07):
allowed. It's his space, whichhe is very very into. Martin says,
I wonder if the natural light windowswere Simon trying to still kill the
vampires. I think if it were, he would have actually done it.
But he doesn't make any changes tothe house except for in those like two

(38:27):
areas, So if it were,he could have gone through with it,
and he just doesn't do it,even though they seem to be like on
board with it. Naja, ofcourse she has to be the voice of
opposition. Here, and she's talkingabout how the attic is full of all
these memories of their putting their trashup there. Guillermo's like right behind her,

(38:52):
nodding along because he understands that justin general, the theories here are
not great for what it is theyare. But Naja, I feel,
is just put here to be theperson who he has to win over and
convince for the sake of the drama, right, and she when she mentions

(39:15):
his hat, he's like, sheonly has one, and it's cursed.
He goes through the five hats thathe has. I won't get into it,
but suffice to say what Brand saysis, I'm going to win you
over with this giant, amazing masterbath with a gold toilet. Now,

(39:40):
I really have to admit I thoughta bathtub based on how she took a
bath last episode and be what wonher over. The gold toilet. That's
not what I thought was going toreally catch her attention, but it does.
And once it's clear she's sort offalling under his spell. Gi Yourmo
try to chime in with, like, you don't even shit, and she's

(40:02):
like, I will if I wantto, and he backs away and realizes
that it's just him all by himselfin the midst of this that nobody else
is really like thinking through the implicationsof everything. And then I'm so sorry,

(40:22):
guys, it's just such a There'sa moment where they're talking about laying
down sad that they're going to bedigging up the yard, and once again,
not a soul here is thinking throughthe fact that there's like a million
bodies out there. So let's see, this gang keeps pretty unusual hours working

(40:42):
for the railroad and owning the nightclubs, so we're going to pull some all
nighters here, you betcha. Andwe get Colin break like busting through a
wall. I was so glad thathe gets a chance to do that.
Eventually you get Guillermo joining in witha sledgehammer, and throughout all of this

(41:02):
you see the crews like coming andgoing with all sorts of like buckets,
and you know, eventually there's thebig reveal of his whole crew that's here
with him, that are undercover anddressed in jumpsuits and overalls to cover up
their clothing and wearing hats to shieldtheir faces. And I really like the
idea that if you were like ableto remember what people look like. You

(41:27):
may have started to pick up onthe fact that some of these faces were
familiar, but I did not payattention at all. So there's all of
this, you know, all thesemontages of them cleaning out the interior of
the place, and lots of constructionsounds and plastic tarps being laid over areas.

(41:52):
And then we have the thing withGuillermo calling up and you know,
giving him this like fake problem.That means we have to give up Naja's
gold toilet and we can open upthat wall to create a ventilation system for
Guillermo, because we're also going tohave to eliminate Nandora's customs sign that says

(42:15):
home is where the wine is.I love that joke. I love that
joke, but we have to goin and get rid of the particular things
that you said you liked that don'tmake any sense. Now. Her gold
toilet going away, if it's actuallysolid gold, would make sense in terms

(42:36):
of the budget, but that's notwhat I think is happening here, and
the sign, it just doesn't makeany sense. But then we can close
the open septic tank, which isapparently pooling underneath Giearmo's bed, and I
really love how as they're saying this, it says finally, even grouchy Guillermo

(42:58):
was like on board the voiceovers,so that it feels like an actual episode
here and there, mixed in withjust the regular show vibe. It's very
fun and it always like caught meoff guard a little bit. So first
we go into the man cave room. This is the big reveal of what

(43:21):
used to be the attic and whatit looks like now. I just really
want to say, this is soincredibly dull the whole like the only thing
of any real interest are the painter'stape blue triangles on the back wall,
which are fun looking but are thekind of thing that like, it looks

(43:45):
like they've done more than they have. That's a really really easy project actually
to pull off, and it's notwhen you look at the substance of everything.
All they've done is put drywall overrafters and beams, and it completely
robs the place of any personality ofany kind. And the part is like

(44:07):
this weird mix of it. He'sit's a bar with like two seats that
are actually saddles, but then nextto it is just sitting like a random
beanbag chair. And then we've gotthe pinball machine. That's the word that
I was trying to remember, thepinball machine. And there's just some very
insipid art a. I love whenhe points out, like the tiny plant

(44:29):
and there's the letter N thirty sixdollars, decorative balls eleven dollars, like
pointing out the price of these thingsthat are just so nothing. There's even
the only thing that I thought waskind of fun was that there's a basketball
who like tucked into one of thecorners and a bunch of balls, and
it's that is like kind of fun. But overall the space is just extremely

(44:55):
washed out and boring and no fun. And he talks like excitedly about how
the colors in the carpet, whichthe colors are black and white of the
carpet, like it's nothing. SoNandor starts to sit down in the bean
bag chair, and Marwa sits downfirst and talking about how she's like fixing

(45:16):
the bean bag chair to look liketo be in the right configuration and asks
him to check whether the lock onthe door works well. And I love
this bespoke sliding door twelve ninety nine. And it's a fucking barn door.

(45:37):
I'm gonna go on another little tangenthere, but barn doors are part of
the modern farmhouse look and they slidesideways, and because they don't have to
open outward, they do save space. However they are allowed, they are
wobbly, and they do not actuallycompletely seal off the space. There's off

(46:00):
times at least like a half inchto an inch of open space where even
when it's closed, you can likesee in. And I have stayed at
two major hotels now that had barndoor closures for the bathrooms, which I
cannot fucking understand. You could heareverything going on and if you went to

(46:24):
the closet opposite the bathroom you couldsee in for a split second. Worst
design ever, they suck. Barndoors are garbage, and I cannot believe
how like popular they'd become if itwere just for the space saving aspect,
because it doesn't swing out where thatwould be one thing, But they're being
used all over the place when thereis no space concern to begin with.

(46:49):
And he rolls this shut and thentries to say that it soundproofed, and
I'm like, there's absolutely no wayyou just cannot convince me that a barn
door and a soundproofed room have evergone together. Every just they't. They
don't go together. They do not. So anyway, she locks Nandor out
and it turns out that she likeseverything he likes and has basically taken over

(47:14):
the room, which good for her. I love this for her. So
we're putting the finishing touches on thehouse, and everything that they put down
is like white coral and white lanterns, and you can see that like a
lot of the parts of the housein the background are still like deep colors,
brown panels, we've got like thestuffed bear. All of this looks

(47:37):
like the same. But they're puttingthese accessories that do not go at all.
And we have the big reveal ofall of them standing outside and they
look at the house, but itlooks the exact same, And when they
walk in through the front door,the front of the front room looks exactly
the same, Like it's just nothinghas changed except for some really shitty pieces

(47:58):
of art being put up here andthere, and occasionally, like when they
go into one of the sitting rooms, there is a change of like the
configuration of the furniture in the roomis slightly different, like they've moved things
around, They've tidied up a littlebit of the trash or like gotten new
pillows or throws and lit candles,but there's like all of the accessories and

(48:22):
stuff that they've thrown in are don'tmatch. They don't go. It's just
like really random ugly whites against allof the other like cool stuff that they
have in the room. And Ilove that they even kept the table that
Naja like chopped in half the marbletop like island, they just kept it

(48:45):
there. All of it's the exactsame. And as for Guillermo's room there,
they just put a poster up onthe wall that I think it says,
what's it say something? Ass I'mtrying to see. I think it's
his haul and Ass I can't tell, but he just looks at that and

(49:06):
it's just like ill, which isthe correct response even if you're straight.
Like no. So he's standing therebrand like with his arms wide, talking
about how what do you guys think? And Laslow says, I'm starting to
think or no. Nander says,this flip might be a flub and all

(49:30):
of this is really weird to mebecause he's like obviously been doing successful flips
for a while. This show hasbeen running for a minute. We've seen
that Laslow has been very impressed.So all of this is like adding up
for me to what did something thatNaja did with mesmerizing him go wrong?

(49:52):
I thought maybe she had inadvertently likefucked up his understanding of like interior design
and construction, and that was goingto be the joke. Was that something
he used to be good at hecould literally not do anymore, Or that
maybe the brother that she killed wasgoing to be the one that had all
the talent and the one that isleft had been leaning on that brother for

(50:15):
all of his ideas, and itturns out that without him he can't get
the job done at all. Iwas not sure where we were going with
this, but he says, we'veI've saved the best for last, So
follow me. So he walks throughunderneath a fucking sign that's hanging above the
hallway that just says love. Andhe opens the doors too, and indeed,

(50:38):
brand new walking closet. Now thisis what he had said they were
going to get, and again itdoes not match anything else. It's bright
white. The lighting is so highvoltage, like everything about this space is
extremely what's the word I want?It feels harsh. There's a pair of

(51:07):
doors at each corner of the roomthat I think are meant to be their
slumbering places, like, you know, basically their new coffins. It's hard
to tell. I don't think weever see them get open, but that's
what I think those like doorways are. There's a huge chandelier hanging from the

(51:29):
middle of the room over a poofthat is sitting on a leopard or no,
a zebra print rug. And thenas you take a closer look,
you begin to realize that this closetis filled with like almost only Laslow's stuff.
I didn't clock that right away.There are some shoes there that look

(51:52):
like they're Naja's shoes, but itcould be his shoes as well, because
who knows. And she says,I thought this was a supposed to be
his and hers, and brand sayshis and her. She wait, no,
he says, change of plans,Sweetie, live with it, and
Laslow then zeros in and says,wait, where the fuck is my witch's

(52:15):
skin hat? And he turns aroundand there is Simon saying, you mean
this witch's skin hat, and heyanks off his like chill jeans and sweatshirt
outfit and he's got this crazy redvelvet rose jacket on underneath it. Now

(52:39):
I really want to know what thefuck here, because somehow he was able
to make himself look like this guy'sbrother. I don't know what that guy
thought was going on. We findout like he went in courted somebody who
had an IT factor and then taughtthem how to do the construction and everything.

(53:04):
He didn't find somebody who already knewand I have to imagine mesmerize the
guy into thinking he had a brother, and then made himself look like the
guy. But we've never seen theability to like physically transform in these vampires
before that. I remember. Now, I don't know what this signifies,

(53:29):
if anything. However, I'm notgoing to ask too many questions. I
just had to point out from thetop this is not an ability that I
thought we had. And maybe it'ssupposed to be that Simon is so devious
because he's the only one who hasthat ability, and maybe this is something
he can do. But yeah,it turns out that he is brand brand

(53:55):
never existed, It's always been me. And did I create Pitch Sell and
produce one hundred and fifty episodes ofGo Flip Yourself for the sole purpose of
regaining access to your home here inNew York City. And he says it
the way that Lazlo always says it, that I might take what is rightfully

(54:19):
mine. This witch is clit ofa hat. Yes, yes I did.
And all of this was purely forthis reason. I love this so
much. I love this twist somuch. It's so stupid, is so

(54:39):
so stupid. And then he startsto be like it was all me.
Well, we partnered with Koles forthe dultry living line and we get that
little thing in the corner as helooks at the camera. But then he
invites in his crew and introduces allof them by name the way that he

(55:00):
does. I'm going to read theirnames because I just can't help myself.
Big Lad Blav Gad blav Glad,the Exanguinator, gun Thrapple, Wesley Sykes,
the Freak Sisters, Mister Fifties Evil, Steve, the wickedly talented Adele

(55:22):
Desime Freak Fest, Tony the SilentOne who says, hey, guys,
how's it going. So he isnot silent, not at all. He
who shall not be named, butit's Greg. His name is Greg does
Demona the Shrieker? That guy Istill don't know, And I don't know

(55:46):
if that's something that I'm supposed toremember, but I don't. And then
and of course the king himself Elvis, and he comes in and then just
immediately plops down on the poof witha big grin in Ronaldo. There he
is, who could forget can thezombie, the zombie of my former accountant.

(56:08):
He's also the CEO of my productioncompany. And of course my sound
guy, Count Rapula, who comesin, Hey, I arose from my
tomb with three labs and a boom. And when you think you're her loan,
I'm in your home getting room tone, scary stories and fables and XLR

(56:30):
cables. Oh my god, it'sso bad. And Naja throws in his
face about how she killed Toby,and he's like, oh, Toby was
actually not one of my crew.He was just like a regular guy who
he had three children and was aNavy flight instructor. So yeah, those

(56:53):
guys don't have a dad anymore.So that's pretty sad, and kier Moo
is off in the back background withhis hands like over his mouth, like
like he's so saddened by this.It took me a while to you know,
earn his trust, and then Ipitched in the show and paid for
him to study design, architecture andconstruction. Oh my god, you guys

(57:17):
are so stupid. So all thisreaches the part where they they have finished
with their like you know, bigreveal, and he is so satisfied with
himself he has all of his crewtake off and turn into bats and like

(57:39):
fly out the windows, completely shatteringthe glass. He himself turns into a
bat and immediately hits the wall becausereminder, the hat is indeed cursed,
which neither him nor Laslow want toadmit, and he leaves. But we

(58:01):
do find out that they have tolike finish fit filming some like button footage,
and if they do, they'll geta twelve hundred dollars payout for the
episode itself. And then we havelike a small scene after the credits about
him wearing the fucking hat and joininga couple as he does a reveal on

(58:25):
their new stove and the entire houseexploding It's so stupid, you guys,
It's so dumb. I really reallylike this. This a very very good
twist, is very satisfying. I'dlike the idea, especially now that there's
like two rooms in this house thatare just very normal looking, and then

(58:50):
the rest of the house still looksthe way that it looks, like,
why bother with any of it?You know? But I enjoy that he
it in just a couple of spots, just to just to throw a fucking
wrench and shit and make it weird. Martin says. I also love how
Guiermo is literally trying to piece outSimon's logic in the midst of his speech.

(59:14):
Yeah, just being like, whydidn't you just find somebody who already
knew how to do all this stuff? It's very good, you guys.
I love this so so yeah.That's that's how the episode ends, is
with this massive fucking explosion, andit's exactly what I could have wanted.

(59:35):
I have to assume that Simon isstill alive, but who knows, maybe
he died, maybe this killed him. Finally, all right, I have
to wrap up, but this wasextremely fun. I can't believe how we
have only three more episodes I thinkuntil the end of the season. No

(59:57):
two more, Oh my god,only two more. That's crazy. I
really this went fast. Oh mygod. Yeah, Martin says, I
like how Simon is genuinely complimented byLaslow's love of the show. Yes,
Laslow knows the names of the episodesand is quoting them and like makes a
couple of very specific references because hesays he watches it. But Simon doesn't

(01:00:20):
really seem to pay much attention untilhe like says two very very specific things,
and then Simon Simpson's like, youreally did watch the show. Oh
wow, I really appreciate that.Oh it's very good, you guys,
this is so much fun. Allright, I'm gonna rap. Thank you
again so much Max for commissioning this. Thank you to Martin for hanging out

(01:00:43):
with me in the chat. Anduntil next time did a loom? Motherfucker's

(01:01:17):
That was an unspoiled network podcast.