Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
This is an unspoiled network podcast.This is spoil Me covering what we do
in The Shadows Season four, episodeseven, the Pine Barrens. In this
episode, everybody splits off to haveguys time and girls time, and each
(00:28):
of them goes wrong in their ownvery particular ways. Plus we get to
meet Kiermo's family, and this wholething is the best. Welcome to spoil
Me, Welcome to the show everyone. I am Natasha. Thank you very
(01:03):
much to Max for commissioning this episode. Max, how are you doing there?
But I haven't seen you in awhile. I know that you are
not able to attend a lot ofthese, but just want you to know
that I miss you and I hopeyou are well and that you are enjoying
the coverage. So the Pine Bearons, I don't know if I'm alone in
(01:25):
this, but I imagine I'm not. The first thing I think of when
I think about the New Jersey PineBarons is that episode of The Sopranos,
And so I went into this likereally wondering what we were getting because the
Sopranos episode, for those who aren'taware, is like one of the standout
(01:47):
episodes of that show due to TheSopranos dealt in like really dark comedy a
lot of the time anyway, butthat particular episode Zoe is really funny,
and it's the dudes are basically likelost, and I think they run out
(02:08):
of gas or something and they haven'tgot anything to eat and they're freezing,
and they wind up like subsisting onpackets of ketchup that one of them finds
in the like love compartment of thecar. So I always think about the
pine barrens as being like this inhospitable, especially wintry sort of place that you
(02:32):
don't want to go and wind uplike abandoned there. So it doesn't sound
for me like the kind of placethat's ideal for a little vacation jaunt,
even though I understand as a vacationJohn it's going to be a very different
situation. It just sounds like unpleasantto me. But what we're doing here
(02:54):
is we're going on a trip withSean, their human friend, and he
is he has like a cabin that'sbeen in his family, it seems for
like a couple of generations. Laslowis explaining the New Jersey Woodlands is where
(03:15):
it is, and then Nando interruptsand says the pine barrens, and Laslow
is very irritated and says, it'sthe same fucking thing. And he then
says for a weekend hunting trip,and Nander says, we vampires do not
hunt, and Laslo says, ofcourse we fucking do. We count we
(03:36):
hunt humans. So right off thebat, we're getting the two of them
kind of at each other's throats alittle bit, so to speak, vampires
at each other's throats. L butthey are just I mean, the two
of them have always kind of buddedheads and had very different views on certain
(03:57):
things, you know, which isfine. I mean, can be friends
with somebody and not agree with themon everything. But I am I'm kind
of glad to see an episode wherewe're sort of dealing with that, and
also like getting to see them reallytalk about their friendship and what it means.
We wind up in a place eventuallywhere Nandor is like upset that Laslow
(04:20):
is calling Sean his best friend,and I found that surprising. I didn't
expect Nandor to be upset by it. I don't think it ever occurred to
me that Nandor would expect Laslow tocall him his best friend, because the
(04:41):
two of them don't seem like friendsto me. They seem like I mean,
they seem like roommates who get alongfor the most part, but I
wouldn't like call them best friends.It just seems like they I have never
really quit one another, and that'sunfortunately. I guess there's like a lot
(05:08):
of friendships out there like that.This is something that I haven't had to
deal with. But that's not exactlybragging or anything. It's more me learning
in the past like ten years,how to not be a really lazy friend,
because friendships take maintenance. And that'snot to say that you can't go
(05:28):
for a time without talking to somebodyand see each other again and it be
great and your one percent friends Still, of course that can happen, like
a lot of people have that withdifferent folks in their lives. But more
that if you want to call somebodya friend that you can rely on,
you can't just take You've got tobe there for them a lot too.
(05:53):
And I think that I really didn'tunderstand for a while in my life how
to be there for friends. AndI'm still really learning because I can be
a little bit too sort of likeintellectual about what it means to be there
for your friends. And for example, my friend Cam who was one of
(06:16):
my bridesmaids and also a co hoston some of the other Unspoiled shows,
she is going through a lot ofstuff and I have really had to tell
myself that reaching out for the sakeof it is still worthwhile. I have
always felt as if reaching out withouthaving anything material to offer in the way
(06:43):
of support, and by that Imean something as practical as money or information,
or something as simple as like Ihave time to hang out later this
week, Let's make a date.If I can't do either one of those
things, then reaching out isn't reallyworth anything. And that's not it at
(07:04):
all. Like I don't expect toonly hear from my friends when they have
something they can give me, orwhen only when they can like sit down
and get on camera with me foran hour. That's not what I want
out of my friendships at all.But I hold myself to this like weird,
(07:26):
it's not even a standard. Itjust feels like I view things in
a sort of transactional way sometimes andsometimes your friend who's going through some shit
just wants a text from you lettingthem know I'm really sorry. This sucks
if you need to vent or talk, you know, and sometimes that's really
(07:48):
all it's about. But I becauseit's taking me a while to learn that
I have failed to reach out tofolks over time and wound up like losing
some friendships because the only times Iever did reach out were when I wanted
(08:09):
them to listen to me event orwhen I was looking for their help or
their sympathy on something. And it'sa really like an ugly thing to realize
about yourself that you were the takingkind of friend. But I really really
was, and I am so awareof that now, you know. So
(08:33):
anyway, all this to say thatI have like a certain idea sometimes about
friendships because of what I have experienced. But I know that there are a
lot of folks out there who havefriendships that are genuinely just while neither of
us like broke it off, sotechnically we're still friends. We still see
(08:54):
each other and we're in one another'slives, but really we don't like each
other that much. And that islike a shockingly common thing, especially as
people get to a certain age andreally begin to grow up and changes people
and their priorities shift. It willbecome more and more apparent. If you
(09:16):
guys had like real differences to beginwith, it will grow more dramatic and
exaggerated. And I always, becauseit has taken like so much for me
to really understand how to be agood friend. When I see folks that
are just friends because nobody has botheredto break the friendship off, I'm always
(09:39):
surprised because I would have just letit die. I would have just stop,
you know what I mean, Likebecause of the fact that I was
fine with letting friendships die for solong, continuing to maintain one simply because
well, you know, I don'treally like him. But I asked him
if he wanted to get together forcoffee because I had no somebody else to
(10:00):
go with, go alone? Thenwhy would you do that to yourself?
What do you mean? So that'sanyway, what I think about, like
Nandor and Laslow, is that there'sjust been a vibe for me of the
two of them happen to be inthis living situation that is working out for
them and has been for a while. The house that they are in has
(10:24):
plenty of room, and they havethey each live in such a way that
it doesn't interfere with one another's waysof living, and so they are in
each other's lives, but I havenever really seen them as friends exactly,
And to find out that they didkind of like have something that felt a
(10:48):
little bit more distinct and has begunto fizzle over time actually makes a lot
of sense. So anyway, I'msorry guys going off about friendship, but
frendship I do find it really interesting. Friendship is such a it's the kind
(11:09):
of like word that is a realcatch all. And I has somebody who's
I've been reading some Jane Austen againlately, like I go through a period
where I want something that's sort ofcomforting, so I'll go back to pride
and prejudice, sense and sensibility.And I have been interested in how often
people will like be like, oh, we're such good friends in those stories,
(11:33):
and really it's the freen of mething. We're friends because we travel
in the same circles and so weare inevitably going to see each other and
we are going to make the bestof it. But we don't like each
other, and a lot of whatwe say is sort of like backhanded and
and cutting or else like hinting atsomething Visavi my feelings of super periority to
(12:00):
you. And that's another one friendof Mees is a thing I just don't
get why bother, but I guessif you just know you're gonna have to
see somebody because they live somewhere thatyou travel to, or they're you know,
mutual somebody that you see a lot. I suppose this scene too,
(12:24):
when they're driving up, I couldnot stop laughing. There is a moment
because they've got Colin Robinson with themand he's playing, i think, on
an iPad in between the two ofthem, very very focused, and Sean
says, what are you playing backthere? And as soon as he says
(12:48):
this, both Nandor and Laslow throwtheir hands up and are like, what
the fuck dude, Colin. Oh, it's a game called Welcome to Blocksburg
and it's a game him on roadblocksand you can build your own house or
get like a job like a pizzamaker or a woodcutter or an insurance just
and then it cuts, and Iwas laughing so hard. This is look,
(13:13):
I find this sort of thing likepretty interesting. Actually, when a
kid is telling me about a gamethat they like. As somebody who also
likes games, I do want tohear, you know, but they can
go too long. And I knowthat Nandor and Laslow don't fucking give a
shit, and probably Sean doesn't either, but he asked because he's a very
polite young man. So let mego to Naja and she is taking a
(13:41):
literal blood bath. You guys,I hated this scene so much. It's
not just the blood bath itself,which is horrifying. It's the fact that
Naja is in the bath in fullmakeup. She's got like eye makeup and
(14:03):
glitter on her eyes and everything.It's a full thing. And she's also
her hair is down and in theblood in such a way that it almost
looks like she's clothed and her hairis just covering it. And even if
she's not, her hair is gettingall like coated in blood. And I
(14:24):
mean, I understand the blood bathas like a joke, but that's her
food. It's like me being ina potato bath or something like I'm trying
to think of. I guess theyhave like milk baths, which are supposed
(14:46):
to be good for your skin.I suppose that could be compared. But
you don't get your hair wet witha milk bath, at least you're not
supposed to. I don't think edge. It just gave me the hebe geebs.
Guys are so gross. So she'stalking. Her and the doll are
(15:11):
both talking about how lovely it isto have the house to themselves for a
change. Meanwhile, Guillermo is sayingthe same thing. And I was really
not sure whether it was supposed tobe that they both didn't know the other
was in the house, or ifit was like each of them is just
going to basically pretend that the otherisn't there. And as we go around
(15:37):
with Guillermo, who is like preppingfor his family to come, I said,
I think last episode or the onebefore that they had cleared all of
the like vines and stuff out ofthe house and at least made that part
of it look a little bit more. I was wrong. I think it
was just like toned down so thatthe cast can get around on the set,
(15:58):
but it's still very much a thing. There are still a ton of
vines in different places, and they'rereally showing up this episode because he's like
showing the house to his family,so the house is taking a little bit
more of a front seat than ithad been. And it's not just the
vines either, Like he's at onepoint in the hallway cleaning things up,
(16:18):
and there's just literal trash all overthe floor. It's a really look.
I'm gonna be real with you,guys. I all of the women on
my father's side of the family fromColombia or of Colombian descent, but I
think all of them were actually fromColombia. Were the most psychotic housekeepers you
(16:45):
ever met in your life. Imean, truly unbelievably thorough the state of
my house. They would be sodisgusted, they would be so fucking upset
over it. I wouldver bring themto my home when it looked like this
(17:11):
and tell them it was my home, never going to happen, just never
going to happen. So I waswaiting and there's just like one comment and
it's from the guy actually whose nameI don't remember. I don't remember any
of his family's names, but hesays something about how like there's a lot
(17:32):
of trash, but he's the onlyone, and otherwise everybody is like fairly
polite. And I was just likethat's the most inaccurate. This is the
most unbelievable thing. We've got literalvampires. But for me, Hisebuela walking
down the hall and not offering toclean up for him, that's what they
(17:53):
do. That's just what they do. They aren't even trying to be like
subtle about it. They will justbe like, it's really dirty in here.
They'll give you advice on how toclean and then you will like get
started on plating dinner, and youwill turn around and they will have the
(18:15):
fabuloso out with a rag and theyhave been doing shit for twenty minutes and
you just like didn't notice because theydidn't want you to. Really, they
just the the mess bothers them.It feels like on such a deep level
that they like can't help it.It isn't even them quite passing judgment on
(18:37):
you, although that's certainly also happening. It's it's like a compulsion, you
know. So anyway, that wasthe only thing that I really kept waiting
for somebody to just be like,I'm gonna go ahead and tidy up a
little bit more. But that doesn'tthat doesn't happen. So when at the
(18:59):
Pine Barrens, there's just a lotof like a lot of issues with the
two of them. First, we'vegot Laslow out on the front the front
porch, playing his magic flute,and there's all kinds of wildlife walking towards
him. We have a skunk coming, We've got a possum. There's a
(19:22):
I think a falcon or a hawksitting there, a owl I think a
raccoon is coming. Yeah, allof these guys, and Nandor is like
getting stuff out of the trunk andsayings, you want to help with the
bags, and Laslow is treating itlike a genuine question, like did you
want to help with the bags?I wasn't planning to. No, you
(19:47):
want to help with the door?I wasn't planning to. No. I
hated him in this moment. Ireally did. Like in a lot of
these discussions, I tend to bemore on Laslow's side because Nander is so
silly, But there were a fewtimes during this that I was just like,
(20:08):
Laslow, what the fuck, dude. There's an amazing moment where Sean
is like sitting down and he's gota beer and points out the head of
a deer on the wall that hekilled when he was twelve, and he
says, first time I ever sawsomething die, but it wouldn't be the
(20:32):
last. And as he says that, he's sort of dissociates as he opens
his beer and just there's a reallike vibe of I've seen some things and
I was like, Sean, whatthe fuck? And the whole thing here
(20:53):
is how bad he is with guns. Throughout this episode, he's like cleaning
a gun or a load a gun, or doing a thing, and it
always just feels like he hasn't gota he hasn't got the focus for the
task at hand, which is very, very dangerous. And then he brings
(21:15):
up the story and I'm not goingto get into it, but suffice to
say it's about his grandfather and aPolish guy and the fact that they played
bowling until he got cataracts is theway it ends, which leads to this
long argument between Laslow and Nandor aboutwhether he means that the Polish guy got
(21:38):
cataracts or his grandfather got cataracts.And rather than ask the man who was
telling the story, who is literallyright there, what he meant, and
he does attempt to interrupt more thanonce to explain the reality of what he
(22:00):
was saying. They get into thislike really petty little back and forth about
like what it means, and Laslowis like saying, I think the guy
made money bowling, like that washis livelihood, which Nandor thinks is absurd,
(22:22):
and then Laslow asks Colin to googleit, and what Colin winds up
googling is very specific like Polish bowlingtop cash earners, And because of their
actually having been a person ever whobowled who was Polish who made money,
(22:47):
they both treat it as if Laslowwon the argument, but that's not actually
what the argument was. And that'swhat I really liked about the scene,
to be honest, is when youare heads with a person in this way,
the thing that you start off likepissy about it isn't even the thing
(23:10):
that you wind up arguing about.Later. The whole conversation will evolve and
somebody will bring up a different point, so that eventually one of you is
like feeling vindicated. But you knowthe next day, when you're thinking back
on the conversation, you realize that, like, neither of you actually proved
(23:33):
your point in from the outset,the initial point that you were attempting to
make because you got so lost inthe sauce with all of the other little
things that got brought up in themidst of that argument. So the fact
that like they have a person rightthere who could just answer the question about
this particular story, which was whatthe whole question was about. It then
(23:59):
becomes I don't believe any Polish personhas ever made money off of bowling,
which is just not that's not thetopic at hand at all, and I
do kind of like that, despitethe fact that Sean attempts to like be
like, actually, this is whatI meant there, the argument reaches a
(24:22):
certain level where he realizes it's notabout that anymore and just sort of sits
back and lets them have a goat each other because obviously he is not
needed for this part of the conversation, and I just sort of like that
self awareness in him. I feellike that's important to have. So anyway,
this is just like one of thelittle arguments between the two of them.
(24:45):
Then they go out into the woodsand we find out that the Jersey
Devil, at least so far asthey know here, is not real.
It was made up by vampires toexplain all of the dead bodies that they
leave in the pine barrens now.Guys, you would really think that,
(25:11):
after how many times this show hasbrought up a fictional creature told me that
it is not real, and thenit is indeed real, I would fucking
know that was coming by now.I am always surprised. I don't know
why I'm such a fucking dunce,but I truly when there is an actual
(25:34):
Jersey devil at the end of theepisode, was startled and just like,
oh, oh, we're doing that. I felt like such a fucking rube.
How do I not get it bynow? But yeah, the Laslow
is out with Colin and and Nandorand they're like supposed to be hunting.
(25:57):
It's nighttime and they're, you know, out in the barons. What Nander
wants to do is use echolocation,but Colin won't shut the fuck up about
his game, and Nandoor is gettingextremely irritated about it. I was sort
of surprised because like Laslow, Iwon't say that he's exactly taking Colin's side,
(26:22):
but all of them want to likehunt and eat, right, So
I thought that Laslow would at leastbe as frustrated with Colin as Nandor is,
but it seems not, and Ihave to assume it's simply because it's
Nandor saying the thing. He's justgoing to oppose it, because that's just
what you do. We get amoment later of Sean walking out with Colin
(26:49):
in the daylight and he is goingto hunt, and the shot of the
barons is really gorgeous. It's obviouslyfall here, and we've got some trees
starting to change. I would probablyNew Jersey. I would put this probably
like the very beginning of October thatthis was being filmed, because I feel
(27:12):
like once you get into mid lateOctober, all those trees would have changed
color. But Colin is talking toSean about how he doesn't think Laslow really
likes him very much, and Seansays, are you kidding? He loves
(27:33):
you? And Colin says he's alwayssaying, I'm not gonna have you grow
up to be a bald headed,energy sucking bore. And Sean says,
that's why my old man wouldn't letme watch PPS, which is not it's
not even that good aligne. ButI don't know that did get me.
(27:56):
Collin says, do you think I'mboring what you got your little computer pad
and stick and a whole bunch ofother neat stuff. Right, what do
you what else do you like doing? Colin says, well, I like
to go in the basement and smashholes in the wall with a hammer,
like really hard, just over andover again, just smashing and smashing and
(28:22):
smashing. I can't help it makesme feel good. And as he says
this, Sean changes very subtly whatshoulder he's carrying his gun on to the
one that's away from Colin and says, but only walls. Right, you
(28:45):
don't like smashing a person or something, and it just cuts and that's it.
That's it. We don't get anymore of that conversation. I could
have watched these two talk for liketwenty full minutes. I loved the weirdness
of this interaction. It's I justthe normality of Sean plus the normality mostly
(29:15):
of Colin's interests, but then theextra edge of like Colin being what he
is. It's just a really fun, weird little like. I don't know,
I just really like it. AndI can't tell how much Colin truly
understands what he's supposed to keep secret. Or not. I have to assume
(29:38):
he gets it like fully, becauseotherwise he probably would have accidentally said something
by now. But because none ofthese like conversations are really about him trying
to drain Sean, he is trulytrying to just have a conversation like a
little kid, I I am.I'm just fascinated by it. I think
(30:04):
too, because Sean is such adodo. It feels like they're kind of
on a similar level in a lotof ways, you know. So part
of me is like, maybe thisis somebody that Colin could be friends with
and go over and like play avideo game, and I could see him
getting Sean into the game that youknow he's into at the moment. But
(30:29):
anyway, so let's go back toNatcha. She is here with let's say,
Oh, that's right, I forgotabout it. She's got evil Mabel
and the Nandor's wife. I alwaysforget her name. It's something I always
(30:49):
want to say, Magda, butthat's super not it. Oh, okay,
here it is. She's singing there'sa girl in the village with one
very small foot. I love that. That is one of the recurring songs.
It's the like bear and the maidenfair of this universe for Song of
Ice and Fire fans out there.Oh, she just calls her Missus nandor
(31:14):
the Relentless. Oh my god,missus nandor the relents Oh does she know
her name? I think she doesn'tknow her name anyway. So she is
getting along with Naja and Evil Mabeland the Doll quite well, and they're
(31:38):
really like they're having such a goodtime. It's really really cute. I
love the camaraderie here because it's sorare to see and a lot of these
women have not really had scenes together, so it's fun to have like some
positive energy where they're genuinely just reekingwith laughter. And there's a moment here
(32:02):
where not nandor Guillermo is like makingup the table for his family, and
he made a really beautiful table.I just really want to like give credit
where it's due here. As muchas I have said, I would never
have them in this house with thehouse looking like it is. The table
escape and I know that word iscringey, but that's what it's called,
(32:25):
is stunning. This is like whatI wouldn't have minded for my wedding.
It's actually pretty close in a lotof ways to what I did have for
my wedding, And he is likefolding their napkins and he bends down because
he drops the napkins so that Najacomes in and doesn't notice him, which
is why I'm thinking that both ofthem are just not aware the other is
(32:46):
still here, which is weird.So what Guillermo explains to his grandmother is
that the cameras are here because they'remaking a compilation for her birthday, and
says, so we're doing that now, which I think that's fine. They
(33:07):
could throw that together no problem.When they ask about the vines. It's
eco friendly, is his explanation.And I don't know if it's his brother.
His cousin makes a joke about hisVersachi clothes being like not men'swear.
It's just a little gentle ribbing.So they come into the room. They
(33:30):
are all stunned at the beautiful tablehe has made, and just generally the
vibe of the room is really nice. He's got a fire laid out and
everything, and they start talking abouthow his job at Panera is going,
and it turns out he is takingup the same story as Nandor and Laslow
about how he works at the railroad, and his cousin is asking how he
(33:54):
got promoted from Panera Bread to therailroad. He's asking the real questions and
Guillermo is answering them in like anadequate way to be honest, but he
manages to put punch holes in allof his answers. I honestly was kind
of impressed by this. This dudeis clearly like something is up, and
(34:16):
I don't feel like he's purposely tryingto fuck with Guillermo, but it's just
a sort of sense of like,you may as well just tell me,
dude, because I know that's notwhere you're fucking saying it is. And
then we jump up to Naja andit turns out she loves the movie Mamma
(34:38):
Mia. She says it's my favoritefilm to watch when I am missing my
homeland. But Laslow never lets mewatch it. He says, my darling,
I can't watch that. It remindsme of all the best children I
fathered when I was a human.I really enjoy her being super to Mamma
(35:00):
Mia. I have never seen it, and the fact that she like finds
out that there's a second one andis very excited about it is super cute.
I just like whenever Naja likes somethingthat's really normal and basic. It's
nice. Oh, miss t saysMarwa. That's his wife's saying thank you.
Oh. I never get it,Marwa. But we go back to
(35:27):
the woods and this is when wehear the story about the Jersey Devil and
I love Sean. He's clearly drunk, describing what it is and what it
looks like. You guys, Ihave to read you exactly what he looks
like. He's got dragon wings anda half goat horse face with a chin
(35:51):
strap beard like an Amish, andhoofs and horns and two low hanging balls
with a button cock on top.And Laslow to that says fantastic. And
he creeps through the pine bearings lookingfor little kids who don't believe in him.
(36:13):
And this is when he knocks thegun over and it just goes off,
and Laslow and Nandor have a talkingheads moment where they both are laughing
at the fact that Sean, likemany humans, doesn't know when some bullshit
is made up. But we havethen the very important moment of Sean and
(36:35):
Laslow clinking beers and Nander getting upto try and clink with him, and
they're done, and they don't evenmake an effort to like pretend to include
him or anything. That was apart that got me the most is like
when somebody is right there and youjust clink with each other and not the
(36:57):
other person, that's just already likeyou know you're being rude. But then
when the other person tries to jumpin and you don't make an effort,
like that's a purposeful snub. Youknow what you're doing when you do that.
And I really judged like Laslow notwanting to include Nandor is one thing,
but the fact that Sean doesn't makean effort to include Nandor, I
(37:20):
really was like pissy with him forthat. So this the argument between him
and Nandor that arises because of thegun, Laslow is like, you know,
spinning it on his finger in avery sort of Old West film kind
(37:44):
of way, like a spaghetti western. And eventually the argument that they wind
up and he starts just shooting wildlyat Nandor, and we will get there
in a moment, but it takesa lot longer for Sean to wake up
than it should have. So Thisis when Naja begins to walk past the
(38:06):
dining room and she spots Guillermo andhis family taken completely by surprise. So
what Guihermo does is first he saysshe's the maid but also his girlfriend.
And when he says it's like Daphnefrom Frasier, I think his aunt says,
(38:31):
well, Daphne wasn't the maid.She was his father's physical therapy.
I cannot get enough a very detailedknowledge of Frasier, and it's not even
that detailed, but just like decidingthat you're going to really be specific about
(38:52):
what it was, and also specificallythat it's like a female character, and
everybody wants to be like, oh, she was just a maid, but
you know that's not true, soyou're gonna be like, actually, she
was practically a medical professional, youknow, like and really put some fucking
respect on Daphney Moon's name. Ifucking loved this moment so much. It
(39:15):
was such a small thing, andthe fact that Giermo even thought to be
like, oh, you know,like Daphne from Frasier. I was just
like, dude, what are youdoing? And apparently he had told his
mom at one point because she kepttrying to like hook him up with somebody
(39:36):
from her church. I think thathe was dating Naja and like photoshopped his
face onto Laslow's body because they havea similar build, and I was like,
actually, I could see how thatwould work pretty well. So he
says, Najo, why don't youjoin us? And everybody is sort of
like, I can't believe your girlfriendwas in the house the whole time and
(39:59):
you didn't vite her. And shesays, oh, yeah, well he
can be a real piece of shit, and they all start giggling and like
wow, language okay, but she'slike, oh, you know, that's
my pet name for him. Sothis is when his abuela, who is
wearing this like rainbow sweater by theway, which I felt was significant,
(40:22):
and it turns out it kind ofis. I think, she asks for
help getting to the bathroom and heagrees to assist her, and when they
go into the hall, she isimmediately like, hey, so she's a
vampire. And I loved the waythat the music changes in this scene and
(40:44):
the whole vibe completely alters in asecond, everything about his acting feels a
lot more real all of a sudden, and his grandmother seems truly like freaked
out, and it had never occurredto me, and evidently had not occurred
to guillermu either. If he hasdescended from a line of vampire killers,
(41:08):
then probably other people in his familyalso have the ability to suss out vampires
and maybe also like the physical dexterityand skill that he has. But yeah,
it had not occurred to me.So his abuela is like, yeah,
(41:29):
they told me that when you arearound one of those creatures, your
heart is filled with fire and youbreak out in goose bumps. And she
shows him and we see like therest of his family are not having the
like specific reaction. Apparently. Idon't think that they know the symptoms the
(41:55):
way that his grandmother does. Butthey are like upset and angry over nothing
in a way they recognize it's happening, but they can't understand, and it's
clearly a symptom of like being neara vampire and agitating them for some reason.
Eventually, his cousin is even like, it's really hot in here.
(42:17):
I don't I feel like something iswrong. And this was fascinating. I
really really liked this. So Okay, here's the part. Here's the fight
between Laslow and Nandor. You saidI was hardly an authority. Well exactly
that you haven't seen any action inNI on a millennium. Probably more accurate
(42:39):
to call you a former soldier thana real soldier, wouldn't you say?
And Nandor gets very salty about this, which personally I think that Laslow is
correct, Like it's been a thousandyears, You're done. You're not a
(43:00):
soldier anymore, bro like you were. And I respect it, but just
come on. And this is whenNandor says something about how Laslow never had
to be a soldier because he wentto a school for fancy lads. And
he's like, you're referring to eaton. Wow, I told you that in
(43:25):
confidence and you just say that outloud. And this is when it really
begins to pop off. And Ireally appreciate Colin Robinson in the midst of
this is still playing his game butrecognizing when the two of them are starting
(43:45):
to amp it up a little bittoo much, and he says something about
how Laslow is the one who wasallowed to like take care of the house
while they were all gone for ayear, but when they came home it
was a piss filled shit house,which I understand what he's saying, and
(44:08):
he's not wrong, but that expressionis just so clumsy and awkward, and
I appreciate so much. All youdo is lay around all day and tinkle
on your piano and have sex withnutget to which Laslo's like, if you
mean to insult me, I don'tknow what to tell you, because that
(44:30):
sounds like the actual dream. Sothat's awesome and I'm not sorry. Meanwhile,
Colin starts to get really agitated.You can see him just like readjusting
in his seat, looking up atthem and trying to sort of like hide
behind. I think he has anactual laptop at this point. And finally
(44:54):
Laslow lifts the gun and it's inresponse to Nandoora is getting to the heart
of the matter. He brings uphow Laslow took a different seat in the
car when he knew Nandoora is tallerand would be uncomfortable directly behind Sean's seat,
(45:16):
and when Laslow explains that he wantedto be able to talk to Sean
was starting to really get into things. The whole like contract that they had
his roommates gets brought out and arguedover and there are like subclauses and everything,
(45:36):
and they're talking over this, andI think Colin is in the background
of this scene right up until Laslowstands and brings out his copy of the
contract, and then when the camerapans over, Colin's gone, and the
(45:58):
two of them he calls Lazlow callsNandor a Jabroni, and it seems accidentally
pulls the trigger. Nandor catches thebullet, and then he starts to actually
dodge because Laslow keeps shooting, butinstead he doesn't catch anymore and he gets
(46:20):
shot in the hand. And thisis when Sean wakes up and comes out
and they realize that like Colin isnowhere to be found, where the fuck
is he? So I really enjoyedthe twist that even as Guillermo's family is
starting to get more and more agitated, Naja is actually really liking them and
(46:47):
is sort of like baffled at thefact that somebody who sucks as bad as
Guillermo does has come from a familythat seems so dope and cool, and
this whole conversation is starting to reallylike fly out of control. The Abila
(47:09):
stands up. She has broken thehandle off of her chair so that it's
like a point and says something abouthow this like evil creature now has to
die and begins chasing her and therest of her family, who I don't
think even like really understood what washappening until a second ago, just completely
(47:31):
fall into ranks and they are allbreaking furniture up into stakes and chucking them
at Naja, who's doing like theclimbing along the walls thing looks really creepy,
and they are like very good withtheir aim. She's wondering why the
fuck she has so much furniture madeof wood in the house. Her friends
are still out here watching the theMamma Mia movie without her and not aware
(47:59):
at all about what's going on inthe rest of the house, and Naja
starts to say, do you knowwho you're messing with? And they all
throw steakes and she's just like,never mind, don't worry about it.
So finally Kiermo has to jump infront of her and tell his family,
(48:20):
look, here's the thing. Theyare vampires. I know that they're vampires.
I work for them because I wouldlike to somebody beat a vampire.
And Naja is not my girlfriend becauseI'm gay, and immediately like the vampire
thing is back Bernard by everybody buthis cousin and his cousin, wait,
(48:50):
you want to be a vampire,not you're gay. It's the vampire thing
that he is, like what therest of his family is like, dude,
we know you're gay. Come up, bro, We've known that forever.
And Piramo is truly like completely takenoff guard. He's like, wait
(49:13):
what and they say yeah, ofcourse, and they have this like really
sweet group hug that's like, Ilove this. Naja is in the background
his sink. Later on, hehas Naja erased their memories about her being
a vampire and him wanting to bea vampire, but he has them keep
(49:37):
the memory of him coming out tothem. And I really enjoy this because
you know, all of us,I think, have thought this whole time
that Guiarma was gay or Buy orPolly or Pan or fucking anything. But
we never had confirmation, and Iwas sort of wondering if we would just
(49:58):
never get confirmation. I wouldn't bemad if we didn't, because like leaving
it sort of up in the areasinteresting, especially since we've got a lot
of representation of people who are finewith all different types of sexual relationships.
In the show, the vampires fuckanybody regardless of not only sex but also
basically species and stuff. But soI wasn't feeling like, well, we
(50:22):
need to have some gay representation.Why wouldn't you have him come out?
But I do like the Eventually we'regetting to this place where, yeah,
we're going to get a little bitmore specific. You know. So Laslow
and Nandor are out in the pinebarrens looking for Colin, and this is
when they finally have the confrontation andor conversation. They have the confrontation already
(50:45):
with the fucking gun, but nowthey're having the conversation about how Nandor says,
we always used to have guy timeand now you're always clinking beers with
Sean, we're rehearsing songs with thebaby Colin Robinson. We never hang anymore
and less less says bro. I'mnot very comfortable with emotional flamboyance as well.
(51:08):
You know, I'll be brief.My feelings aren't too dissimilar to your
own. And that cracked me upbecause having been reading Sense and Sensibility lately,
that's like basically how people confess theirlove to one another. They basically
(51:31):
like use language like that that youknow the meaning is there technically, but
it just feels so inadequate. Andthey hear Colin and they find him on
the like the perch where you hideand hunt deer from. And as they
(51:52):
find him, they hear Sean yellingfor help. And they get to the
house and he's being dragged down thefront of the house by the actual Jersey
devil. He's got the weirdest likeit bat wings, you guys, with
two arms on each side. There'slike a small pair of arms that's sort
(52:15):
of underneath. It's so weird.The design of this creature is is it's
very creepy. It makes me veryuncomfortable, and of course like big hanging
balls as well. So Laslo startsto do the like playing of his magical
flute, which gets the devil tolower slowly to the ground, and it
(52:36):
seems like maybe I've got this undercontrol, but he takes the flute and
then he grabs Laslow by the throatand it's really looking like, oh,
it's too late, And then allof a sudden, this is so good,
you guys, it's so so,so so stupid, but I did
(52:58):
still very much in joy it.Colin yells, hey, Siri plays him
new Jersey music, and it startsplaying Living on a Prayer, and the
Jersey devil, who is holding bothof them like upside down, no effort,
he's much stronger than the two ofthem, starts to dance in place
(53:22):
and sing to Living on a Prayerwith his hand positioned as if he's holding
a microphone, and Colin very obliginglyjumps to the actual like chorus of the
song, and Laslow sneaks up onhim and turns back into his human form
(53:45):
because he had been a bat,and bites him and begins to drain him,
and then then Nandor bites him onthe leg and begins to drain him.
And in the back out Sean says, hey, I found the rifle,
and he pulls the trigger and shootshimself in the foot and goes down,
(54:08):
and Colin just says, okay,can we go home now? Oh
my god. So there's one thingI want to say here, And I
don't know if there's an answer forthis or not. I thought that Guillermo
(54:29):
couldn't be mesmerized because of the youknow, vampire killing blood in his veins.
But apparently, well I don't know, because Naja is able to do
it to his family and it works, apparently, so I'm not really certain
(54:52):
why he is resistant to it whenthey are not. And Naja doesn't really
want to help Garm for just likereasons, but she's like, I did
see each member of my family dieand now haven't had family for hundreds of
years, so I feel for him, and I also don't want to be
(55:14):
like the subject of his mommy issuesif his family'd all die. So we've
got two conditions. You have gotto get all the others out of the
house once a month so that Ican have it to myself. And I
want a copy of Mamma Mia tohere we go again, which she reads
off of a little paper with veryvery much excitement. They were hypnotized and
(55:40):
now the house will be safe.More importantly, I'm just glad they finally
know the truth about me. Well, besides about the bit about you working
at the railroad and being desperate tobe a vampire. And when he says
the part about telling them that I'mand not just says, I mean who
(56:04):
isn't gay, and he says,a lot of people, Oh okay,
I'll get the trumpets out, youguys. I am straight, you know.
I think everybody's like on a spectrumhere, but I'm pretty straight.
(56:24):
I can find women very hot,but beyond like the looking, I have
no urge to do anymore. It'sjust like, god, damn, she
fine. And that's sort of whereit ends for me. But I live
for how much more mainstream queerness isbecoming and how many people I know who
(56:46):
are queer are like, I can'tbelieve they're even straight people anymore. Really,
we're still doing that. Like basically, if you're straight, it's like
our chaic it's like you've got tobe trying right to be straight, Like,
get out of here. You're straight. That's not even really a thing.
(57:07):
And inasmuch as I am, Ialso can kind of be like,
no, I get it, youknow, I just I love the whole
vibe here of just like fucking everybody'sgay, though, like get out,
get over it. And him it'sjust a good moment. And Laslow says,
(57:30):
we hypnotize Sean, but I'm worriedthat we fucked him and this is
coming back because I just kept thinking, like, you guys have talked about
how worrisome this is. You almostkilled him once already. And he's talking
to Colin in the back and hesays, can you make a pizza tree?
I just made ten roebucks? What'sthe street value to that? And
(57:54):
Las and Nandor have brought home thehead of the Jersey Devil, which they
hang on the wall as they're liketrophy from hunting. It's very good.
And then we get the what thehell is that and pointing at the my
soul called life poster, which Ido not really get why that's up.
(58:17):
I don't know if there was somethingspecific that he was hiding in that spot,
but I don't remember what it was. So but yeah, I just
that that was a pretty fun episode. I did really really enjoy this one.
His teeth says, let's just letthat go about the mesmerizing. Yeah,
(58:43):
that's pretty much what I figured.Is just sort of like, okay,
well, just well, what we'llsay is maybe because he actually did
kill vampires, that he's like officiallya vampire killer now, and so certain
things have activated in him that havenot in his family, that we'll say
that he's like truly. Uh he'sof the Van helsing line and they are
(59:07):
sort of like latent um hm mistiss, Yeah exactly. All right, Um,
I'm gonna wrap this up, butthank you guys again very much for
joining me, for listening. Ihope you're enjoying it. Thank you again
to Max for commissioning this, andmiss TIF for hanging out and until next
(59:30):
time did a loom? Motherfuckers.That was an unspoiled network podcast