Persevering Through Sexual Abuse and Finding God - Alena Dimopoulos - Substratum 611

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This episode contains a first hand account of childhood sexual
abuse. While the story is not described
in explicit detail, it includes sensitive material that may be
upsetting or difficult for some viewers or listeners.
The guest, now an adult, is sharing their personal
experience as a minor in an effort to bring awareness,
promote understanding, and contribute to a broader

(00:21):
conversation about healing and resilience.
If you or someone you know is affected by sexual abuse, please
reach out to a trusted support resource or organization in your
area. Viewer and listener discretion
is advised. Hydrate real quick.
Hydrate, Hydrate. Hydrate, hydrate or hydrate.
I really hate that you said thatbecause someone else said that

(00:43):
too. That's hilarious.
But she's been on my podcast 3 times.
Oh, who is it? Emily?
Yeah, I watched hers. I'm so sorry.
I did watch one of them I I really like her unfortunately.
I agreed with you. And like, I feel like there are
some things that like I relate with her.
Or I mean, it could just be because we're women #1 Quote
from Aaron 2020. What was it 2/20/22 when we

(01:05):
worked together? Probably somewhere, right?
It was like I worked. Wasn't it after you finished
school or something? Yeah, it was like, I'm pretty
sure it was 2022 because I started in January.
I started at the beginning of the year.
Yeah, Jan. So yeah, two years.
That's insane. Wait two years.
Three years to 20. 3 to 22 I. OK, then, yeah, it was probably
2023. Now that I think about it, it's

(01:26):
2022. But not definitely not 24.
Certainly not 24. It was 23.
Is there something specific you wanted to start with?
Empathy over judgement. I mean nothing in particular.
I mean, if we do want to hit that point first, we can, we can
start there, just have some somewhere to start.
So how do women think? No, I'm kidding.
Think about this. And then it goes to that and
then that, and then it gets all confusing and then it gets all.

(01:47):
Yeah, it's a spider web. Yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much. I've noticed it depends on how
it's because I can go on the tangents and everything, that's
fine, but when it doesn't make any sense why you're on that
tangent, that's when I lose interest.
That's true, but I feel like I struggle with that sometimes.
I go on tangents which leads to other tangents that were like
completely unrelated. I think maybe that's an ADHD
thing though. Is that ADHD thing?

(02:08):
Well, I know women like 1 analogous way of how they think
is like they have a bunch of tabs open in a browser and then
like there's maybe like 300 tabsopen and you're wondering like
why? So it's like you made the
tangent because something else was open that would make sense.
Yes, Yeah, I think that that pretty much describes my my
brain. That's yeah.

(02:29):
I mean, I just found out, apparently.
Now, I don't know if this is true for everybody, but I, I
went around asking people at my work like, can you think about
nothing? Like, and all of the women said
no. Most of the men said yes.
So it's can you think about nothing?
I tried that. That's actually the hardest

(02:49):
thing to do, but not the hardestthing.
But I have to remind myself to do it.
It's like a complete depletion of mental resources.
I just, I don't. It doesn't make any sense.
Can you like stare at a wall forlike 2 minutes and just stare at
the wall to like just think about?
The wall. I mean, I can stare at the wall,
but I won't be just thinking about the wall.
I'll be thinking about a millionthings at once.

(03:10):
It's more of like you're not able to switch off.
Pretty much I I mean I can like I can calm down but completely
switching off is just not not anoption for me.
It just doesn't happen even whenI try to sleep.
I even I just think and think and think until I fall asleep.
Why do you think that is? I would probably blame mostly on

(03:31):
my ADHD, but also just, I don't know, I always like to think and
think 'cause I always like to come up with new ideas.
I think part of that is because I, I'm more of like the creative
type. I mean, I'm a musician.
I like to write music. I've always been interested in
like writing as well, just like actually writing.
Like like I was good at English and school and I was also very

(03:54):
into art. So I think I'm just always
thinking because it's possible that I might come up with a new
idea somewhere in in that thinking.
OK, what about like your cognitive resource decline?
Because then and so for me, whenever like I go through the
course of day, I usually spike in the mornings for like how
much work I can get done. And then after a certain point,
I get a start getting burnt out.And by the time like 6:00

(04:15):
happen, 5 or 6:00, I'm just completely out of it.
And then sometimes like 7-8 o'clock I can do a little more
work and then go to sleep. Yeah, honestly, yeah, I'm
actually the same exact way. In the morning, that's when I
feel the most productive. But it's, it's funny, like I'll
wake up in the morning and then that's when I want to get
everything done. I want to get everything done in
the morning. So then the rest of the day I

(04:36):
can kind of like relax a little bit.
Even though I work in the evenings 'cause it's like my
work I don't think is that hard and my work is more I enjoy my
work. So it's more like I like to get
all the hard stuff done in the morning so then I can enjoy the
rest of my day kind of thing. Because because like if I were

(04:58):
to home, if I were to not do everything in the morning, then
I certainly would be, I would betoo burnt out to do it in the
evening. I have like a very specific
routine that I stick to, and if I don't stick to it then it's
like the end of the world for me.
So what about when, when you're like at the end of the day, you
don't have the cognitive resources, but do you ever get
into that situation where you don't have the cognitive

(05:18):
resources, but you do have the energy?
So you get this like, like I can't do anything at all, but I
have the energy to get it done. Yes, all the time.
Actually. I feel like it's so weird
because nighttime is when I havethe most energy, but yet like I
also don't want to do anything. It's more it's part of it may
also be because I come, I come home to my family after working

(05:42):
the whole evening and I'm just like, I just want that time to
spend with my family. I don't want to have to worry
about anything else that I have to do at that point.
Is there like any time when between you finished everything
that you want to do in the morning and then everything and
then being with your family at night, is there like a time when
you like just turn off for like a second or something?
Just let like all your all your thoughts just like subside a

(06:02):
little bit and then you can get back to it.
Just so like not a mental reset but more of like a kind.
Of like a were you saying like abrain break type thing or?
Yeah, kind of. I mean, not burnout, burnout
like that's bad. I try to like, I'll do things
like if I realize I'm starting to think about too much, like
I'm starting to get overwhelmed with my thoughts, I'll go take a
walk or something and just try to like, take, yeah, try to

(06:27):
destress. But even still, it doesn't
completely clear my mind. I don't think there's anything
that will completely clear my mind, but I've kind of learned
to live with it. It's not totally debilitating
all the time. When when did you first get that
sense of purpose to not switch off?
When you say when I got that forthat purpose to not switch off,
are you saying just like? Because at some point, like when

(06:47):
you're like in your childhood, do you have that?
At least for me, there was like there was a certain level of
complacency that I would just like everyday I just like just
want to do the same thing, watchTV, play some video games, maybe
just like sleep and do absolutely nothing for the day.
And then at some point I was just like, you know what?
Let me start doing things. Let me start getting stuff done.
Let me start thinking about whatcan I be doing 10 minutes from
now, 20 minutes from now, an hour from now, and then keep

(07:10):
going for that. At this point, like I can't
switch off because there's like so many things that I want to
get done. Probably around high school when
I started homeschooling, I started homeschooling my
sophomore year. That's kind of when I just
decided I, that's, that was justmy turning point in general.
That's when I started to like decide I want to get my life
together and stuff. So that was kind of like when I
noticed what was going on in my brain that it was just

(07:32):
constantly because I used to be overwhelmed by it.
Like I was like, why can't I ever shut off my brain?
But now I'm like, I'm going to use this to my advantage.
I'm going to see what like my brain is trying to tell me and
I'm going to use that to my advantage.
See, like, So what I would do was I would start making plans
for the day and then plans for my life and stuff like that.
And kind of using that to kind of find myself.

(07:53):
Yeah. And you said that in elementary
school that kind of made you alienated with the compared to
the rest of the kids, right? Yeah.
For sure you. Want to go into that?
Yeah, let's go. Let's go into that.
In elementary school, I feel like I was always very singled
out because, well, early elementary school, it wasn't
that much of a problem. The only thing that was a big

(08:13):
problem was like kind of my behavior because I had like
undiagnosed ADHD around that time.
I was very, I was more hyperactive than a lot of my
peers. And in fact, in first grade I
was the only kid except for one other kid.
There were, there were two kids and I was one of them that had a
behavior chart in first grade where it's like I would go in
and the I would get a sticker ifI behaved well that day or if I

(08:37):
didn't like I would get basically like lectured or
whatever. But I never thought I was
misbehaving that I was just expressing myself.
But I guess like the teachers didn't like that the way the way
I was expressing myself and I never understood.
I was like, why am I being punished for this?
Like I don't really know what I'm doing wrong.
Was it just like high energy, nocontrol or was it there like a

(08:58):
level of like I'm doing this, but also not like hurting other
people? Because like there's also the,
there's one aspect where like you're controlling your, how
much energy you're putting out, but also the uncontrolled aspect
where you're like, you're messing up the room.
Are you like you're bouncing offthe walls and.
Everything. I don't think I was uncontrolled
at all. I think I was more just like, I
want to do my own thing. I was very much like, I would
rather be doing this than that, so I'm going to go do this.

(09:20):
And it was like, I guess it was somewhat disruptive to like how
the flow of like how school normally would go.
Did that go through all of elementary school?
Yes, it definitely did. I didn't.
I didn't really start realizing it until until high school.
High school was when I kind of became very like self aware that
all that stuff. It was like, I don't understand.

(09:41):
I'm just trying to do my thing and it's like I always felt like
there was something wrong with me because like the teachers
would make me feel like there was something wrong with me
because of that. Yeah.
Why do you think you were like that?
That's actually a question that I never really thought of other
than because I think I would usually shut that down with
like, oh, it's just because of my ADHD instead of really
thinking about that. Was it that you were just

(10:03):
against like the structure of things, Against like what other
people wanted rather than what you wanted for yourself?
Yeah, pretty much. I kind of just, I wanted things
differently than other people did.
I saw things differently than other people did.
A lot of the things that people would consider to be important
weren't as important to me at that time.

(10:24):
Just like I mean I I don't know if I can give many examples
other than like. Just one example.
Just the stuff we learned in school, like I, I knew a lot,
but like there were certain things that we would learn that
I'm, that I would kind of like test, I'd be like, so why are we
learning this? What is the point of this kind

(10:45):
of thing? So you're basically just
questioning reality, questioninglike not just, not just hey,
here's an input. It's like, why that input?
Why not that? I was very quite, I would
question everything. I'm like why are we doing this?
Why I like, I needed to know whybefore doing something.
And I don't think a lot of a lotof people my age at that time

(11:05):
would do the, would do the same.They'd just kind of be like,
yeah, we're going to do this because like the teacher's
telling me to or somebody else is telling me to do this, so I'm
going to do it. And I'd be like, but why?
Why am I doing this? Give me a good reason to do this
and then I'll do it. So from like an early age,
you've been really behind the purpose of things like why?
Why is this happening? Why should I be doing this, Not
just let me do this because someone else told?

(11:26):
Me to, yeah, pretty much. OK, so you've been more of a a
doer rather than a follower. Yeah.
OK. Do you get that from your
parents? Actually, I would say yes, my my
father was definitely like that himself.
I've been told that I'm a lot like my dad.
I get a lot of my trace for my dad.
I even look a lot like him. So, well, the feminine version,

(11:49):
yes. Yeah, how would you describe
your dad? I think, I think my dad is the
most intelligent person I know. He's one of the most intelligent
people I know. I mean, even I certainly could
not reach to his level. He's always been, I feel like
he's always had a curious nature, always asking questions,
always wanting to learn, always thinking about things from like

(12:10):
a logical point. What's the most persistent
lesson that he's taught you? One.
Of the most persistent lessons that he's taught.
You, yeah, something that's not necessarily that maybe not the
biggest lesson, but something that like can constantly you
remember and you like, in a way,keep yourself in check.
Ask the question again, 'cause it kind of like what is a what
is a consistent lesson that I'velearned from my dad?

(12:31):
What is the, what is the best lesson that your dad has taught
you that is consistently, persistently in your mind?
Doesn't have to be every single day, but like once in a while
that you just, you remember it and just like, oh, I need to go
back doing that. Instead of like, I guess in a
way like getting, not like staying on a good course, but
it's like a lesson that he's taught you that you just, you

(12:53):
can always go back to that and you're like that.
That's what keeps me grounded. My gosh, I mean there's there's
a lot that I learned from my dad.
I mean every time I see him, we're just always having those
like long conversations and it'sso it's just like I have so much
that I learned from life. I need to like think about this
for a minute. If.
You want to write something downto your notes and find I don't.

(13:22):
Know how to answer that? I'm like.
You start with one and then justbuild on that.
My brain is blinking. That's going to happen a lot
today. Or it's just like.
You want some energy. You know what?
Speaking. Speaking of our brain shutting
off, my brain shuts off in a different way whenever I try to
think of something. It just like think of anything
but the thing you're trying to think of.
Interesting. Yeah.

(13:43):
So you're always thinking, but when you intentionally think,
that's when it shuts down. Yeah, pretty much.
And it doesn't. And Even so, it doesn't
necessarily shut down. It just starts like thinking
about other things that it's notsupposed to be thinking about at
that moment. It's like my brain crashes.
So it's like a focus problem. Yes, I guess.
I guess that's the easiest way to put it.
OK, so it's like if I put the pen in front of you, it's like

(14:04):
that scared me. What's 1 lesson that your dad
has taught you? Like the first thing first thing
that comes into your mind. Oh gosh.
Or most recent lesson that. He's taught you most recent
lesson that he taught me. I think one of the most recent
lessons that he taught me is that there are going to be some

(14:24):
sacrifices that are to be made at at certain points of your
life. And they're not permanent
sacrifices. It's just for the time being.
So kind of like in my current situation right now, you know,
I'm a young mother and I haven'treally started like building my
career or anything like that, But I had, I had dreams since I

(14:46):
was in high school of becoming acomposer.
So like writing music more specifically for like films and
video games and such. And I still really want to do
that. I want to pursue music honestly.
And I anyway, even if I were just playing an instrument in a
band or something like that, I want to pursue music one way or
another. But because now I'm kind of, I'm

(15:07):
kind of busy mothering right now.
I originally got stuck in this idea like that I have to do
everything right now and I couldn't, I just couldn't get
past that for for a while. I was like, I want to be here
for my son because I love my sonmore than anything.
He's the most, one of the most important things in my life

(15:29):
right now. And I want to be able to raise
him right, be able to spend timewith him and just bond with him.
But I'm also like, I also need time to work on my music and,
but also in the middle, we, I also need to focus on making
money right now so we can get a bigger place for, for our family
and just be able to support our family.

(15:50):
And it's like those three thingsare kind of like it's hard to do
all three of those things at at the same time.
Like it may be possible for somepeople, but I know that I've
tried and it's all it's brought me is stress rather than
enjoying the time, like I instead of enjoying the music

(16:11):
that I'm playing, instead of enjoying the time that I'm
spending with my son, it's just complete stress.
And so I'm like, I can't, I justwant to do it all at once.
But he reminded me that my father reminded me that I don't
have to do everything at once. Maybe now is the time to kind of
take a little pause on maybe my,my music doesn't mean that I'm

(16:34):
going to end my career. Cause a lot of people think it's
like do or die when it comes to parenting versus career.
They're like, I have to choose one of them.
And it's like, no, you don't really have to choose one of
them, but you also don't have todo it all at the same time.
So he kind of reminded me that now is a good time to pause and
spend time with my family, like build my family, get get

(16:56):
comfortable in that. And then that maybe around the
time he starts going to school or something, that's when I can
start focusing on my career again.
I can still do things on the side, like I still practice my
music and stuff, but I'm not like going hard on like writing
all this music trying to find find like a job and stuff.
And so I think that was a reallygood reminder that even though

(17:19):
now is not the time, doesn't mean that never is going to be
the time. It's like there's a time for
everything. Biggest thing for that is, like
most people think that consistency means that you show
up every single day or you do something every single time.
But it's it's more of like, you did it.
Yeah. How would you define stress?
How would I define stress? Elaborate a little more?
Like how would I define how it affects me?

(17:40):
Or how would I just define stress in general?
Do you see it as a positive thing or a negative thing?
It depends, because in certain situations, stress can be a good
thing. It can be a good motivator.
But in the situation that I'm talking about, like when I was
trying to balance all three of those things that were important
to me all at the same time, thinking that I had to do at the
same time, I think that's kind of a negative version of stress

(18:03):
to me. I'm, I'm gonna kind of go into
how it affected me. It affected me in a way in which
I couldn't give my undivided attention towards anything that
was important. Like I couldn't live in the
moment. I couldn't, I couldn't feel
present because the stress was just like, because like I said
before, my, my brain is kind of always going, going and going

(18:25):
and going. So it was kind of impossible for
me to be present in the moment type thing because I'm thinking
about all these things that I need to be doing instead of
like, like, let's say I should be on the ground like playing
with my son right now. But instead I'm like thinking
about all these other things like what am I going to do with
this music project that I'm working on?

(18:46):
What am I going to do? I don't know, money like this
and that and just instead of being present in the moment.
So that's like that would be thenegative stress that's like that
just kind of burns you out, justtakes you out of the moment.
What would you call or how wouldyou define positive stress?
I would, what was I saying there?
I would define positive stress as I'm kind of like what I said

(19:08):
before. It can be a good motivator, like
let's say if you have a deadlinefor something, you may be
stressed out about the deadline,but that's going to motivate you
to get your work done, so. Stress is also I don't know if
it's like a cousin to anxiety. Yeah, I think in my situation it

(19:29):
definitely is. It's like the stress causes
anxiety maybe? Causes anxiety.
OK, so I'm thinking like if you're always, if you're not
present, if you're not thinking about where you are right now,
then it's like the future possibility of what could happen
rather than what is happening would be anxiety.
That's Yeah, I guess you're right.
That is anxiety. Yeah, I.
Don't know where to go from that.

(19:50):
You said you're more more probably 1.
Interesting thing about you is that you're more logical than
emotional. I know in the past, like when
people would come to me with like emotional problems and
stuff, my my immediate reaction was to just kind of like, OK,
let's figure out what's going onhere, Let's fix this problem
when a lot of times people wouldjust want.
To hear like a more emotional answer and I didn't really

(20:12):
understand that at the time. For women I've I've seen, it's
mostly like, how do I feel aboutthe situation?
Yeah, yeah. Why?
Why am I reacting to this, this way?
And how does that would you say that that men think?
How does it go the men think andwomen feel?
I would definitely agree with that, which is why, which is why

(20:34):
I think my my case is kind of funny because you would think
that I would be the opposite, but I maybe I just think more
like a man, no? If she was a man, there would be
two. Hold on, I.
Go go on whatever team you want to do and then and then I'll.
I'll see what I was like. Uh oh, I got lost there.
Sorry, I do that a lot. I'll just like interrupt you
like halfway to the interrupt. No.
All right, let's talk about something else.

(20:55):
It's fine. It's fine.
I mean I I like when you ask questions that it gets me
thinking sometimes. Don't do that too much, you
might hurt yourself. Hold on.
I have it. It's like I I've got it.
It's somewhere in there. It's just got a.
You just look for your prefrontal cortex to your eyes.
It's like go from the big into awall.
What do I see? So we were just talking about

(21:18):
thinking versus feeling, and then I was going to relate that
to masculine, feminine energy. Man, I had something and it went
away. No.
What do you want to ask? Hold on, I'm starting to
remember where I was going, which is insane.
And I felt the no, I can't move the camera.

(21:39):
So I'm thinking like, yeah, thatdoesn't matter.
Or I could just physically, there we go.
I could do the best. The next thing.
Oh no, that makes it. Oh, OK, right back where I
started. See, This is why I can't think
no one. Else you're just, you're just
not manly enough. Come on, how would you define

(21:59):
feminine energy? I think what's really funny
about this topic is that it's actually very, I feel like it's
kind of complex. Like when I talk about feminine
energy, I'm not talking about like the color pink and Barbies.
And so like that's why I'm like that like girly because I would
say I feel like I always grew upas kind of a tomboy.

(22:20):
I was more on like when it comesto my hobbies and such, I was
more on like the masculine side,but that doesn't necessarily
mean I'm like masculine as a, asa whole.
So when I talk about feminine energy, I'm kind of talking
about like being able to be that, like being able to feel
kind of being a nurturer and notjust.

(22:45):
Being able to feel. I could reward feminine.
Only like guys, men can't feel. You can't.
No emotion. No emotion.
Boys don't cry. No, I'm kidding.
Because I guess because like in my mind it's a hierarchy of like
what's your physical needs, youremotional needs, your spiritual
needs. Yeah, yeah.
And I'm not, I think there's like a triangle or something
that like that Doesn't there's, there's a hierarchy of needs.

(23:10):
I can't remember the exact orderof the triangle, but just for
simplicity sake, physical, emotional and then spiritual.
It's like, because once you satisfy your physical needs,
like I need food, I need water, I need shelter, then you go to
your emotional needs. How do I control my thoughts and
how to control my thoughts but also just control how I take my

(23:32):
thoughts and put it into an action.
And your spiritual need is like the morals and character.
Like once I can control, once I can know how to walk, and once I
know how to communicate, how do I refine that to a much more to
become a better person? Yeah, yeah.
OK. It's starting to kind of come
together now. So what would you define
spiritual energy as? With how you're describing, like

(23:53):
it's kind of more on like the moral side, I think it
definitely could relate to spiritual energy.
Maybe moral's not right. Not, you know, not moral.
I know there's. A better moral's not the right
word. Yeah, there's a better word.
'Cause you can have a tomboy like, so I'm thinking masculine,
feminine. Masculine is usually like

(24:13):
aggression. It's more like let's get stuff
done, going to war, going to like like let's go to Home Depot
and then build something. Feminine is more like let's
nurture something. Let's build, let's let's create
something. Let's let's.
But also you get the other thingwhere it's like masculine is
creating, feminine is building. It's still like it's the same
idea. It's just I don't want to say

(24:34):
like 1's more harsh, more like cold.
The other one's warmer, but. Yeah, which both are needed just
like like I can't. I can't raise a kid like I'm
not, I don't, I don't have the, I don't have the organs for it.
But at the same time, it's like,would you, should you go to war?
Probably not. Like you shouldn't be on the
battlefield because there's morevalue to a woman than there is a

(24:55):
man. And what?
So what do you mean by that? Like in what ways?
As in like you can create a baby, I can't.
I see what you're saying. So you're talking about just in
the. Like there's a the, the
instinctual physical, like you can create life.
I can't. But in the sense I have to

(25:16):
create the resources so that youcan sustain life until that life
is able to think on its own. And then that's where I take it
and throw it into the world. Yeah.
I guess if we're really going down to just like that like fit
the physical aspect of like whatwhat kind of woman bring versus
versus a man, I guess that's so that's what kind of what you're.
That I guess that's kind of likefeminine and or maybe this is

(25:37):
just a stupid question and I guess there is no such thing as
like masculine or feminine, justlike what women like to do and
what men like to do. But I don't think it's
necessarily what we like to do. It's kind of like our instincts.
Our instincts are very different.
Like feminine instincts versus masculine instincts are are very
different from each other. I think that's the word I was
going for, not energy. I'm going to kind of like go in
the route of like when it comes to relationships, like

(26:00):
relationships with other people.I was in a very toxic
relationship in in middle school, which I know we're going
to, we're going to touch base onshortly, and where I felt very
unsafe. I felt very unsafe in that
relationship. And so instead of being like
somebody that that's supposed tolike care for people, nurture, I

(26:21):
became very like defensive myself, very like I did become
kind of aggressive, more aggressive than I feel like I
should have been. Like I didn't want anyone to
kind of come close and I would instead of like, instead of

(26:41):
being like an empathetic person or anything like all of those
like feminine qualities. Not to say that men don't have
these qualities as well, but it's more but women have it more
to an extreme. I think you know what?
Screw it, screw the men and women thing.
Let's just make it into just howdo you think?
Because that it it sounds like that when you became defensive,

(27:02):
you lost trust in being with people who you can naturally
just be yourself around. Yeah, pretty pretty much.
I kind of started pushing peopleaway and I kind of was, I was
putting up a front of myself to make myself look like big and
tough so nobody would like mess with me, so nobody could like
hurt me in again. So I kind of just put up a

(27:23):
barrier. How long did it take you before
you took down that barrier? Oh, it took me a long time.
I I'll admit, there are still some barriers that are that are
up that I still still haven't learned to take down.
But it really wasn't until I wasin wasn't until I was in a
relationship where I felt like Icould be where I felt safe
again, which didn't happen untilyears later.

(27:44):
I didn't realize that I was putting up those barriers until
until someone, my current partner came in and kind of like
gently took those barriers down for just help me figure figure
it out, help me see better. And I just felt safe.
He was the first person that I felt safe with that I felt like

(28:05):
I could be vulnerable. I didn't want to be seen as
vulnerable so I wouldn't get hurt again.
Do you? Want to talk?
Do you want to go into that story?
Yeah, I think now, now should bea good time to go into that.
So to start from the beginning. Wherever you want to.
Start All right, so in 8th grade, I was 13 years old and I,

(28:27):
I got into a relationship with this one boy He was he was 15
years old, but I mean he was still in the same grade as me,
but he was older than me. It was my first like
relationship I'd ever been in. So it I wasn't taught too much
about relationships from my parents or I kind of everything
that I learned about relationships was just from like
the Internet or where, or from what I'm seeing with my friends

(28:49):
and stuff. So this was my very first
relationship and I kind of didn't didn't know what it was
all about. All I really wanted was to like
feel loved or whatever. That's that's all I wanted at
that time. I was still kind of trying to
figure myself out, figure out like who I am and what ways I
like to be loved. And so this boy, it all started

(29:09):
out great. He would do all of the things
that would make me feel loved, as in he would walk me from
class to class. He would he, he brought me
flowers one time, which I thought was very sweet.
He would like always bring me gifts and like whenever I was
cold, he would let me wear a sweatshirt or whatever.
That's like in middle school. It's like, oh, that's so that's
so cute. Like that's how it making me

(29:30):
feel seen, making me feel loved.And so, but then things started
kind of going downhill when whenit started getting more serious,
if you will, like he made me feel comfortable in the
beginning so that he could startmaking his way into doing things
that I wasn't comfortable with. So when from like a like a good

(29:52):
relationship to a more intimate relationship and then he took
advantage of that. Yes, yes, absolutely.
I didn't at that, at that age, Ididn't know anything about like
intimacy or anything. I wasn't really taught that.
Of course I knew what, of courseI knew what it was, but I
didn't. I've never experienced it or
knew what it should be. So he starts doing things that

(30:15):
I'm like, whoa, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this.
Like he would start touching me in ways that I just like was not
I, I knew, like I knew in my heart I was like, I don't want
this. Like my body was telling me like
I don't want this. And I would even express that
verbally to him. I would be like, Hey, I don't,

(30:35):
I'm not really comfortable with this or should we be doing this?
Or we would be in school and he would be like, oh, no, it's,
it's OK. This is normal.
This is what people do in relationships or whatever.
And so he would keep on saying that until like, I finally just
gave up and just let him do whatever he wanted to me.
And it got to the point where atschool he would, he would grope
me, he would lift up my shirt inschool and just start groping me

(31:02):
doing whatever he wanted to me. He followed me into the bathroom
once and I got in and I got in trouble for that.
Even though I didn't want him inthere.
I tried. I was, I remember crying my eyes
out trying to tell like the the 8th grade Dean that like, I
didn't want him in there. This wasn't, this wasn't my
fault and that nobody heard me, nobody saw what was going on.

(31:22):
But, and it got to the point where I really did start to
believe that that was normal, that I just was like, maybe I'm
being too strict and not lettinghim do this stuff.
And maybe because he's just going to do it anyway.
So what's, what's the point in telling him no at this point
after I told him no many times and he just he kept on telling
me it's normal. So I guess it's normal then,

(31:43):
right? Certainly not.
But, and I mean, it just kept getting worse from there.
He would it got to the point where he would start showing me
pictures of like porn stars and being like, look at her.
She's so hot. Like why can't you look like
that? By the way, I'm like a 13 year
old girl, like just just hittingpuberty.

(32:05):
Like not even I don't even look how I'm supposed to yet I'm
still growing. And he's showing me pictures of
these fully grown women saying like, why don't you look like
this and comparing me with them and just making me feel so ugly.
And he would even even, like other girls would walk by in the
classroom, like in the hallways and he'd be like, Dang, she's

(32:30):
got a fat booty or whatever. Like kind of saying like, oh,
she looks so good. Like what about like, where's
yours or whatever. And that's like, at 13 years
old, I'm still trying to figure out like how to love myself.
I don't know how to love myself yet because I'm going through a
lot of changes. So that's actually a time where
a lot of people my age kind of don't love themselves because

(32:54):
it's like what is happening to me kind of thing.
And so, yeah, so my very first experience at trying to love
myself, I was, I received that. And so I was immediately taught
like that I shouldn't love myself, that I am ugly.

(33:15):
And it was just so awful. And I mean, even from there it
got worse. He would use, he would use
pornography to manipulate me. Basically.
He would, he would ask me to show my body to him and I'd be
like, no, I don't want to. I'm not comfortable with that
right now. He's like, OK, that's fine.
I'm just going to watch my videos.
And he would watch porn right infront of me because he knew he

(33:37):
knew that it would make me upsetor that it would make me give
in. Like he would ask me for nudes
all the time and I'd tell him no, no, no.
And then he would threaten me for them.
And so it wasn't until I found out he was cheating on me was
when I broke up with him. I was like, that's when I drew
the line. But and it wasn't until after

(34:00):
the relationship that I found out what had happened to me.
Well, first I want to start off with actually, no, I'm going to
start off with something else. I remember being an FLE like sex
Ed class and the woman that was teaching was talking about like
rape signs of rape and sexual assault and stuff.

(34:21):
And she was listing off like thedifferent things like if they
force you to do this and that, that's rape.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I didn't realize what had happened
to me until after the fact. I didn't know that me trying to
say no and him being like it's OK then doing it anyways was
considered rape until I was in that class.

(34:42):
So it wasn't just physical, physical harassment, it was also
sexual penetration, everything. It almost got to that point, I
think when it, it was like he basically was trying to put it
in I, it got to the point where I had to kick him off of me.
So I mean, I'm just so thankful that it didn't get all the way

(35:04):
to that point. But it did get to many other
points like he forced me to do things that I didn't want to do
to him. He forced me to basically
pleasure him and I didn't want to do that.
I don't want to do that. And like he would like grab my
head, make me do things. He would like put his own hands

(35:27):
in me. And I was like, I don't, I don't
want. I was never comfortable with it.
But he would tell me like this is normal.
This is normal. He would just keep on saying
that like it's OK, it's OK, it'sOK.
We'd be in public too. And he would do this and I would
just be so I just could feel myself just shrinking like my
voice doesn't matter. That's what that's what it made

(35:48):
me feel like. And I so after I had figured out
what was going on, I it this onedidn't take me as long to or no,
this one took took me longer to figure out.
Then figuring out what happened to me.
I had realized I looked back at the type of videos that he was

(36:10):
watching, the type of pornography he was watching.
All of it was like unconsensual violence, like 'cause I forgot
to mention he would like pin me against the wall, like basically
like choke me and force himself upon me and tell me that that
was normal. And I guess it makes sense why
he thought that was normal because the the porn that he was

(36:31):
watching, all of that stuff was happening where like the women
would say no or wouldn't give consent and the men wood forest
themselves upon the woman anyways.
And there was a lot of physical aggression that mirrored exactly
what he was doing to me. And no wonder he thought that

(36:52):
was normal. No wonder he kept on saying
that's normal. Because imagine at a young age,
nobody has taught you anything about sex.
So that's the only like, that's the only version of it that you
know is from what you see in those videos.
And so he probably really did think that was normal.
Not saying that what he did was OK.

(37:14):
It's not justifying what happened, but I understand it
now. And which leads me into I'm one
of one of my biggest passions now is to help other people that
are going through that same situation or have gone through
the same situation and educatingpeople on what what porn can

(37:36):
actually do, Like how how it affects how it causes like
sexual abuse and all those kindsof things.
Cause a lot of people look, a lot of people just think, Oh
yeah, watching is, is normal. But watching it as a young kid,
as a 15 year old is absolutely not normal.
And now you see why so. That's a lot of different stuff.

(37:59):
That was like, yeah, so many tangents.
I know it's a lot of like mini don't.
I don't want to go in the wrong place at the wrong time, that's
all I. Know, I understand.
So a lot of it was exploiting your both your vulnerabilities
and your insecurities. Yeah, pretty much.

(38:23):
Was it that I guess, and you said it, I think couple times
that you didn't, you were tryingto figure out how to love
yourself. Yes.
How would you define now after the fact, how to love yourself?
Well honestly, I think the only way I really learned how to love
myself was coming to God. That was the main thing that

(38:46):
helped me love myself again because it helped to remind me
like what happened to me, how I was treated does not reflect who
I am, who I was made to be. And so I think that's what
really helped me learn to love myself again.

(39:07):
I think one of the things you mentioned in the the
brainstorming is that you're getting a lot of not pushback,
but a lot of judgement from other people because you've had
a kid before you were married. Yes, or at least I feel that
way. I I certainly feel that way.
I think that because, because I consider myself to be a

(39:28):
Christian, like I, I or I want, I consider myself to be a
Christian, but yet I had a kid before marriage, which a lot of
people in, in churches would be like, that's like, why would
you? That goes that deliberately goes

(39:48):
against what the Bible says. And so I feel like a lot of
times when I'm walking, walking around with my baby that I'm
being judged a lot of the time. Because like I say, I'm this but
then that, but but the truth is they don't know.
They don't know my situation. They don't know my heart.
Only God knows that. And ever since I did get

(40:14):
pregnant though, that's when I really started getting closer
with God. So I think that and I also, I
don't know where I wanted to go with that.
Well, in a way it's. It's almost like.
I mean, everyone has their timeline.
Everyone has their own way of going through life that it like

(40:34):
some things don't conform with everything and like your
timeline is not going to be the same as my timeline and and not
going to be the same as the person outside's timeline or the
the homeless guy's timeline, right?
It's not the timeline is I thinkusually just comes down to like
forgiveness. Yeah.
That's kind of where I was goingto go next.

(40:55):
Yeah, well, like, can you forgive yourself or oh, is it?
There's four, four people you have to forgive in life, to
forgive you, to forgive everyonehas hurt you, everyone has done
you wrong, to forgive your parents and you to forgive
yourself. Well, I think it was, I think
where I was going to go was lessof forgiveness, more of
redeeming. I think that everyone who,

(41:19):
because I'll admit, I struggle with judgement too.
I'll look at some people and I'll be like, they consider
themselves to be a Christian, but they're doing that.
And then I quickly remind myself, like you had a kid
before marriage, who are you to judge?
Like there are other people thatare judging you right now for
that and you're over here judging them for this.
So it's like it's kind of that'sthat's what I used to kind of
humble myself. Not to say that what I did was

(41:40):
bad or anything, but I feel likejudging somebody for their like
where they are in that timeline is denying God's ability to
redeem those people 'cause it's like I was once there too.

(42:02):
We're all, we're all in different stages of our of our
walk with God or even just of our walk in the world.
We're all in different timelinesright now.
And that we need to have a little more grace for people
with because of where where they're at, maybe different.
Just because they're at that would like, maybe they're not in

(42:24):
the best place right now, doesn't mean they're not doesn't
mean they're going to stay in that place.
So I think we need to have a little more grace for those
people that were that are maybe not in in the best time or to
your standards at least I shouldI should throw in there.
I think there is, I don't know. I don't know what like verse it
is or what part of the Bible, but I think there's somewhere in

(42:44):
the Bible where it says that thelast and final judgement is by
God. It doesn't matter what you think
of it. It's like the only person that
that person's going to have to see at the very end of their
life is God. And it's up to him for whatever
he decides is going to happen, not for for me to decide or
someone else to decide. Right, right.

(43:05):
And then also only God knows your heart.
Nobody else knows your heart like God does he?
I mean, he sees everything. He sees your whole life.
He knows. He knows what your intentions
are and he knows where where you're going to go and which is
why he's the only he can really be the only judge.
It's one of the things I did with Emily, which is Emily Will

(43:28):
Simkins. Low expectations, high
standards, Expect nothing from anyone, but just keep yourself
to that same standard that you want to keep yourself to.
Yeah, because no one else, well,like you said, no one else is
going to know who you are. Right.
So why does it matter? Yeah, because especially a lot
of times, like sometimes I'll try to justify my judgement

(43:49):
towards other people with like, but I knew, I knew what I was
doing or like, but I've changed or like, but I, you know, but
who's to say that they're not thinking the same thing like
that? They they know better.
They're, you know. Is it possible that your
judgement is a in a way your ownyour mind is trying to redeem or

(44:13):
trying to? Not.
Justified or not to regain the self esteem loss that it went
through. That is a really good way of
putting it. Honestly.
I could probably, yes. Yeah.
I think the main reason I judge other people is to, well, make

(44:34):
myself feel better about my shortcomings, about the things
that other people might be judging me about.
During that time when you were with him, was it like your self
esteem and your pride in yourself?
Your ego just completely droppedto like a zero point.
When I was with the yeah, honestly, yeah, I would say

(44:57):
because I for years and years after that, I would compare
myself with everybody. And so that's kind of all I knew
the because judgement kind of come from comes from comparison.
In comparison's a thief of joy. Yes, absolutely.
At this point I don't have like low self esteem, I don't have
high self esteem, I just have self esteem.

(45:18):
Yeah, I feel that. I mean, yeah, I do get prideful
sometimes. Like sometimes I'd be like, I
know exactly what what to do about this and.
Yeah, yeah, we all do. Someone asked me about one
question. I'll be like, OK, here's a 30
hour conversation. I'm going about to tell you and
and I'll simplify it in 30 minutes.
But you know, there's more to this.
We all do that though, like I dothat, certainly.
Is there a certain point where you'll see like, like if you're

(45:42):
perceiving your future self, is there a certain point where you
can say that you can let go of your past, let go of what
happened to you and just like move on from that?
Not 100%. I don't think like the, the, the
amygdala in your brain is going to remember what happened, but
like, is there going to be a certain point where you can say,
at this point in my life, I'm not going to let my past define
my future? Absolutely.

(46:03):
I do see that happening. I can already kind of see the
process of me going towards that.
I think that, like you said, I'mnot going to 100% let go of it.
In fact, I'm going to continue to talk about it As for as long
as I live to bring awareness to the to that situation and to

(46:24):
what's going going on in the world.
Like I want to use my voice, butI think I could also be able to
like let go and and know that like I'm safe now that this does
not. My past does not define who I
am. I guess that goes to loving

(46:47):
yourself, yeah. So how would you?
How would you define love? How would I define love?
Well, I think that there are lots of different types of love.
Are you talking about like is there any particular type of
love that we're talking about orjust?
Like if you were to take all thedifferent types of love and then
the one category of just love. The one category of just love.

(47:11):
Wow. I'm someone who likes to break
things down, but so this is kindof.
Self love, there is emotional love, there's physical love,
there's relationship love. But like, if you take all the
secondary words out of it and just love, how would you define
the baseline of how all of that connects?
You know, honestly, I'm still young and still trying to figure

(47:34):
that one out myself. Like the the whole meaning of
love, because I could probably go on like many tangents about
like each type of love, but the whole thing of love.
Maybe are you more of a visual person than like audience?
Yes, I would say yes. If you were to take a spider
web, and every little bit of thespider web is a different form

(47:56):
of love, how would you define the spider web?
How do I define the spider web? From where you are now, with
what you know, not so much what you will know, what you could
know, just who you are now. How do you define love?
Hold. On.

(48:18):
Doesn't have to be a perfect answer.
Yeah, I'm just trying to think of where I go.

(48:54):
Do you mind if I just like take a minute to just like write
things down? I really.
Need I need to organize my thoughts anyway.
Yeah, just a little brain break.It doesn't cost anymore for two
more minutes of footage like it doesn't.
It doesn't matter. Such a deep question.

(49:22):
It just depends on how thorough you want to be with the answer.
What is love? I think love is understanding,
like being able to understand people and just showing grace,
putting people first in commitment.
Those were kind of the 1st 4 words that came to my head when
you asked me like what is love? And I guess depending on what

(49:44):
kind of love, you can take thesewords and kind of go deeper into
them. But those were the first 4 words
that came to my head when you asked like what is what is love
like? I think it's less of a feeling
and more of like an action. If you can, what would be like a
one liner love is? Love is commitment, I think.

(50:08):
It is commitment, yeah, commitment to.
I don't know that I can just putit in one sentence.
I'm not great at that. No, that's fine.
That's fine. I, I just, I usually just like,
like, how would you define it? And then like breaking down that
definition. But if you haven't, if you
haven't defined it before, or like I like definitions like
that's just, that's my, that's my little weird thing.

(50:29):
It's just like how you defined it and then like breaking it
down. Why do you define it that way?
Until it's like until you start questioning your own reality.
And then I publish that online and then we get a a great
podcast. To me, love is an action.
That's kind of the best one liner that I can come up with
for what love is. It's an action.
It's which though, that's where all four of those words that I

(50:51):
came up up with come into play. It's kind of like how, how can
you show love to someone? You can, you can love them by
being understanding to them, showing grace to them.
Like in this, in this case, I'm kind of thinking about how like
God loves me. It's like that's how I want to
love other people. And then when it comes to more,

(51:13):
more romantic relationships thancommitment, like love is more of
a commitment than it is a feeling.
Because especially in long term relationships, there are going
to be times where like the feelings are just not there for,
for a little bit. Like you're not always going to
have that spark that everybody talks about.
Like you have seasons when it comes to relationship, when it

(51:37):
comes to romantic relationships,I'm kind of using romantic
relationships as my main basis, yeah, because that's what I'm
most familiar with. But with romantic relationships,
you have seasons, like, and whenI say seasons, I mean the actual
seasons. Like you have a fall, you have a
winter, spring, summer. You have all four of those in

(52:00):
your relationships. And that spark that everybody
talks about is the spring of therelationship.
When I think of spring, it's like new feelings coming about.
Like let's say in the beginning and very beginning of the
relationship, you have, you havethat spark and everything's just

(52:21):
so brand new and everything's just like, oh, this is amazing,
so pretty. And just like new feelings
you've never felt before. And it's very exciting.
And summer, well, things start to get a little more serious,
more intimate. And so now it feels like this is
like a whole other, a whole new level of like in the

(52:44):
relationship. And then every relationship does
go through a fall. It's where those new feelings
start to kind of die down a little bit.
Not to say that there are no feelings at all, but those new
feelings like the feeling of novelty starts to wear off a
little bit. And then which the fall can

(53:06):
sometimes lead to the winter where it's, it's maybe just like
you guys have had like the that familiarity and they're starting
to kind of like, maybe you guys are going through something
really tough. Like, let's say, let me just use
the Super basic example. Like maybe finances aren't doing
so well since that's a lot of, that's what a lot of

(53:28):
relationships, long term relationships deal with.
So there, there may be somethingthat kind of like causing like
kind of resentment towards you too.
But it's but where the relationship goes depends on how
you handle that winter. But once again, seasons come
back around so you can get past that winter.

(53:48):
I think a lot of people think, oh, as soon as things go cold,
like that means there is no morelove and we need to get out of
this relationship. I don't think that's true at
all. And that's where the commitment
comes into play. That love is not just a feeling,
love is a commitment because at that point all those feelings
have kind of, I, I don't want tosay died down because they're

(54:11):
not dead forever. They're just, they've just gone
dormant for whatever, for whatever is going on in that
relationship. But if you can go back to
remembering like, why am I in this relationship in the 1st
place then? And just remind yourself of
that. Then I think anything can be

(54:31):
worked out. If it's the right person, you
can work. You can always work it out and
then wait. Yeah.
So then after spring, I mean after winter, after you have
your winter, I don't know my howto count my seasons.
I was like, wait, what's the order again?
You ever do that with like the alphabet?

(54:51):
You're like you. Know I'm more laughing.
I'm more laughing that you said wait, like where am I supposed
to go? Like what am I going to?
Wait, don't go. I'm not going anywhere.
But after that winter, like if you guys have, if you guys love
each other enough, even when youdon't feel like it, you can get

(55:14):
back to that spring. Like once you get, once you get
past that winter, then once again those new feelings, they
come back and it's like, look what we just got through.
From like a general sense, one definition of love, regardless
whether it's romantic, platonic,or anything in between, is is
doing things for other people without expecting anything in
return. Yes, yeah.

(55:35):
And then romantic love or like love where you add in the
commitment part is being there when things get tough.
It's being they're at their worst rather than well, Dave
said it as in Fairweather friends, people who are there at
his at his best, but not there at his worst.
There's this least favorite friends?

(55:56):
Yeah, yeah. Your analogy for spring, summer,
winter, fall. That's a good analogy, but I
like as you were saying it. I think that's also the problem
with analogies is that they alsodon't really work.
Yeah, it's hard to find the right words.
Well, not so much. It's words because like nature
will go spring, summer, winter, fall, but spring, summer, fall,

(56:16):
winter. But the problem is that.
You got to messed up too. See, it's just.
So it's my podcast. I'm going to edit this the way I
want to edit it, but then at thesame time not every relationship
is going to be that like a cycle, maybe like spring, fall,
summer, winter. Yeah, that is a good point.
Fall, winter. Fall.
Winter. Fall Winter.
Summer. Winter.

(56:37):
Yeah, you're absolutely right. And then like right before you
die or you're on your deathbed, you're like spring and then
you're dead. The visualization of like the
earth, of like going around the sun.
The way I was thinking about it like that too.

(56:59):
Just like, just like the solar system, just like.
Winter solstice. No summer solstice like I.
Don't know where you just add more caffeine.
That's the problem with analogy.They don't.

(57:19):
They they work from like an external perspective of what you
start adding in like this is nota complete analogy.
It is a it is a analogy, an analogy.
Metaphors, analogies, yadda yadda.
It's it's good for understanding.
Something, yes, that's what I was going to say to be.
Able to simplify a topic, but not to be the only way to look
at a topic. It's to simplify a topic, but
not to necessarily describe topic.

(57:41):
Like to give a definition to a topic.
Yeah, I think there was one video on on social media that's
like where you have like the self help gurus, you have the
teachers, you have the people who are like completely
independent, the ones who are dependent, the ones who say you
need a man, No, you don't need aman.
You need to focus on your career.
No, you should be focusing on your on building something.
It's like everything. And then the funny part is that

(58:04):
the algorithms will tailor to what you want to see, not so
much what you want to hear and. And not so much what you need to
hear. Yeah.
And that's, that's part of like character development when you
know what, if if you look at like movies and stuff, there's
the characters wants and their needs.
Their needs is what they is, what will make them a better
person will help them evolve. And their wants is what they

(58:26):
want, but not necessarily what they need.
But you like they can overlap. So it's like analogies will
work, but it's like what? How do you think and what worked
best for you? If you want to manipulate
people, you can manipulate manipulate people, but you can
also use that manipulation to help other people because like
if, because and. I'm waiting for you to I, I,

(58:48):
I'm. That's why I'm listening.
I'm listening. That's a very dangerous topic
unless I add more context. Manipulation is basically taking
someone's insecurities their own, like emotional
vulnerabilities, like who they are, and then putting it against
them or using it to do bad to them.
Like, hey, you like candy? Hey kid, you want to come into
my band? Like that's, that's, that's

(59:09):
manipulation. But then also if you take those
insecurities and everything and then you make it into a better
thing, like a growth thing, like, hey, I can understand you,
but we can make, we can make this better.
We can get rid of that insecurity.
Yeah, yeah. And it's like not manipulation,
but it's like growth. But it's still the same same way
of thinking because you still have to understand the person
from like a, the implicit communication because it is what

(59:34):
people say and then what they do.
And like if someone's like very finicky about like a topic, but
they say they're very calm about, it's like, oh, what
you're doing is something what? And then what you're saying is
like, I will trust what you're doing, 'cause was there
something you wanted to go off of on that 'cause they look like
your gears are turning? I just was like.
No, no, I was, I was honestly just listening.
I, I'm someone I like to listen.Like I, I feel like I'm very

(59:55):
much an observer. I like to listen to people talk
and like gain my information that way.
As you can tell, I'm not the best with like putting my words
together, which is why I'm like,it's weird.
I'm good at writing. I can.
If I like I could write a whole book on like certain topics, but
if you dare like ask me about itin person, I'm like.
I wanted to go into implicit versus explicit communication,

(01:00:20):
mostly tying back to what you were experiencing and how what
you were saying and what impliedconsent.
I'm not saying like you were implying that you were
consenting to it, but that I'm going to do this because I see
it on social media so much that women will say they one thing

(01:00:41):
but actually want something else.
I'm not denying that. That's I think, I think every
woman does it. I mean, maybe there's a woman
out there that doesn't do it, but I think most of us do it.
I do it. I admit that.
Because I I don't really understand it too much at one
point. Is it I should listen to what
you're saying rather than what you're implying versus knowing

(01:01:03):
to what to focus on implying or is that just like I have to
understand the person longer? It's kind of like you, you kind
of just have to understand the person.
It takes it takes time because like if you know, if you know
your person, then it's like you'll start to kind of catch on
to patterns. So you understand what they're
implying versus what they're saying.
Like I know Dylan, my, my current partner, for example, I

(01:01:29):
would do, I would do that a lot.I would say one thing, but I
would actually mean another thing or I would want him to do
something and I'd kind of try tohint at it, which, let's be
honest, men don't really take hints very well, but we also
make it make hints very complicated, very complex that
only like we would think of. But I would do that a lot and I

(01:01:49):
and then I would get mad when hewouldn't catch on to what I was
trying to imply and he'd be like, what, why are you?
Why are you mad at what what's going on?
Like, I don't even know what's going to.
I realize that I have to, that Ido have to be more like explicit
with him, but over time, like he'll start to catch on to those
patterns of me being implicit, that he'll start to kind of know

(01:02:12):
what I mean when I say certain things.
Yeah. Is that have to do that like
when you're not in the best cause like women's cycles and
everything, you're not in the best state that he should be
able to know what you need before you know what you need
'cause like the mixture of emotions is can be blinding at
times. Honestly, yeah.
Yeah, it's like I'll certainly have moments where I'm just like

(01:02:38):
my emotions do get very overwhelming sometimes that I'm
just like, I don't, I don't knowwhat I need right now.
I don't want, I don't want to think about what I need right
now. So you should just know what I,
what I need and do that for likeI, I have those moments where
I'm like that, I'll admit where I was going to say something

(01:03:05):
like, it's kind of like when I'mfeeling a certain way, I need
certain attention, but I don't want to ask for it or like I
don't want to think about what Ineed in that moment.
So it's like, it's like, Hey, what?

(01:03:28):
I don't really know how to explain it.
It's really weird. Explain your thought process and
then maybe I can twist it into something that's deceptive.
Deceptive is the worst word for that.
Like, let's say I'm going to useparenting as an example because
that's definitely where I feel it the most, where I'm just
like, I have so many things likegoing on.

(01:03:50):
I have so many like tasks to do and I just get so overwhelmed
with it that and like I need andit's like I need help but I
don't want to ask for help because it should be obvious
that I need that. I need the help like I want
someone to do. So it's like you want you want
the help, but you don't want to feel useless.

(01:04:13):
Yes, pretty much actually. That just that leads into a
whole other conversation, actually.
Which is. My tendency to want to do
everything on my own. Yes, that, that leads into a
whole other conversation. Let's yeah, let's go into that.
I so earlier on I mentioned something about me being like

(01:04:34):
independent, more independent. I've always been very
independent, which is a good thing.
Independence can be a great thing, but it can also not be
such a great thing because I don't know how to ask for help.
And I feel like I have to take everything on by myself.

(01:04:55):
Like I'm actually going to tell kind of a funny story that I
that this is the best way that Ican explain it.
My dad's best friend was always around, like when I was growing
up and stuff. One time he saw my older brother
pouring himself a bowl of cereal.
Like he was he was about to pourthe milk.
And then he goes up to him and he's like, hey, do you need help

(01:05:15):
with that? He's like, yes, of course.
Here, please, yeah, please help me out.
And another day he saw me pouring myself a bowl of cereal
and I was about to go pour the milk and he comes to me and
asks, hey, do you need help withthat?
And I say, no, I got it. Milk is all over the counter
afterwards, like let's. So that's just my personality.

(01:05:38):
That's how I've always been. I've always been like, I need to
figure this out by myself or else I'm never going to
understand it. I'm never going to get it.
So like I kind of push people away because I'm like, I need to
do this by myself. I need to do this by I don't
know why you think that way, butit's like I have to do it by
myself. Like it's almost like an
obligation. I need to take care of my own

(01:06:00):
obligations, which keeps me fromasking for help or even
accepting help. Because it's especially gotten
more because now that now that I'm a mom, I am, I'm actually
living with Dylan's family rightnow and they, they always want

(01:06:20):
to help. They're always like trying to
find ways to help. And I'm always like, I feel like
I don't ask enough for help. And then it gets very easily
overwhelming for me. It's like, why do I do that to
myself? Like, but that's when
independent, being independent can be kind of more detrimental
than helpful. Like it has helped me in so many

(01:06:43):
ways. Like it's helped me, I figure
out like who I am and such, but there are other things where
it's like it hasn't it it, it gets in the way.
Is it almost, is it like the is it not Asking for help and doing

(01:07:04):
things yourself is like a form of empowerment, of self
empowerment that you like, you feel like you're capable of
things. I'm just like, yeah.
And then when you ask for help, it feels like you're less
capable, even though technicallyyou're more capable because
you're being more efficient. That's exactly it.
Actually, that's exactly it. Because I don't know.
I don't know if it's just this weird like OCD way of thinking

(01:07:27):
or what but I'm very much like Ihave to do this myself or else
I'll never learn how to do it bymyself.
No, it's no. It makes sense.
Like it's like I need to do everything by myself so I can
learn how to how to do this. If I just keep letting other
people do it for me, then I'm never going to learn, never
going to figure out how to balance all that.

(01:07:49):
Like, for example, like let's say I've all the, I have all
these things during the day thatI have to do.
Like I have to clean, I have to make food, I have to take care
of my baby and stuff. And let's say, let's say I have
to give him a bath or something.And somebody asks like, oh, you
want me to give him a bath? I'm like, no, I have to do it
because I have to learn how to balance all these things or else

(01:08:10):
I'm never going to thrive in life.
That kind of thing. I, I'm just so hard on myself
for some reason. And I mean, I have been working
on it. I have been getting better with
it. That's something Emily said.
A lot of times I think it's justa 21 year old problem.
It's like, I guess in a sense what I've noticed is that
because everything's so new, like the amount of amount of

(01:08:32):
people that I know, the amount of relationships are able to to
have with people, like it's all new.
I've got like 20 new friends that I didn't have like a year
ago. It's like these are really good
quality people. I want to keep them.
And then it's in like as time goes on, it's just realized like
people will come and go. So it's almost like the same
way. It's like, am I capable of doing
this so that when people do comeand go, I can still handle it?

(01:08:55):
I guess if that makes if that's similar to what you're what
you're doing. No, Yeah, it it kind of is.
Just like maybe it part of it isI want to prove that I'm capable
of all this stuff. But who am I proving myself to?
Yourself. Like myself.
Yeah, myself. Really.
Well, it makes sense. It's when you're able to be self
sustainable, it's like the most like you can not only provide,

(01:09:17):
but you can produce and you can do and you're like you're
someone someone that other people can depend on.
That pretty much describes my life pretty pretty well.
I just want to be. I hate feeling useless.
My biggest fear is to feel like I'm useless.
That's what I've been trying to do, like right now is to take
everything that I would consciously need to understand
and put into my subconscious so I can have that work in the

(01:09:39):
background while I'm thinking about something else.
It's it's not, you're not crazy,by the way, just like saying
are. You sure about that though?
Well, you're a woman, so pretty low standards, but.
Am I though? We've been, plot twist, we,
we've been questioning that for like the last few years.
Like there's anything that's happened.

(01:10:01):
It's like Elena's either a dude or just like a really, really
bad transgender. Biggest plot twist of the
podcast? Dylan's a girl.
Just wait till he sees that. You said that you're very
emotionally honest, like you're naturally emotionally honest and
you don't like putting a a mask on when you're with other people

(01:10:21):
or trying to appeal to what other people want rather than
like what is actually needed forthe situation.
Naturally, yes. I've always been very
emotionally. I've been very open and honest.
Like straightforward. I think that's a good word to
use. I've been very straightforward
about things to the point where like sometimes it's almost

(01:10:41):
considered to be impolite, whichI never understood growing up.
Like it was more specifically when I was younger, I would, I
would say things that other people would be like, that's so
out of pocket. Why would you say that?
But it's like, but it's honest. I'm just, I'm just pointing out
observations. Like I'm very open about things,

(01:11:03):
very straightforward and a lot of people I guess around here,
they don't take it very take that very well.
Yeah. Why do you think that is?
Kind of like before we were talking about how I like to have
reasoning for everything. Part of it may just be like my
way of like talking about that reason.
Blake it. I mean, it depends on like what

(01:11:24):
we're talking about. So you prefer honesty and truth
over because that's what would be the most efficient way of
getting a problem solved insteadof instead of like, I guess part
of like what I hear about corporate America is that people

(01:11:45):
will, will push accountability in a neutral way.
So it's not that they're accountable for something or
that someone else is accountable, but rather it just
like no one's accountable for itthat it's like that.
Like let's say a job comes to meand I had all this other stuff
to done to do and this just happened to be like not my
priority at the time that I was like, oh, you should go do it.

(01:12:08):
And now like like a week later, someone asked what happened to
that? It's like, oh, it wasn't my
fault. I pushed to this guy and they go
over to him. Oh, it wasn't my fault.
I thought that he had it covered.
And it's like the accountability.
So is it, is it partially the accountability that you being
honest with people keeps yourself accountable for the
things that you don't know? Maybe accountability is not the
right word for this. Keeps you.

(01:12:29):
Yeah, accountability is not the right word.
I mean, does that make sense? Kind of.
Kind of. I think I know what you're
getting at, but I still don't really have an answer.
That the the you being straightforward eliminates any
confusion on on what's being talked about.

(01:12:53):
I also just like to see things for what it is.
I don't like to like, I don't like the idea of like sugar
coating things, which a lot of people do nowadays.
And I just like to see things for what it is because yeah, I
then I can more. It's easier to face reality.
Yeah, pretty much. Instead of just like lying to

(01:13:16):
myself about what something is, you know?
That makes sense. But it's really funny that I say
that because if, if Dylan were to dare say, be straightforward
to me, I'd be crying. It's really funny that I say
that. It's it's weird.
Well. That's a person that's more of a
specifically Dylan. Yeah.
Not like, not like, well, you and your family, obviously, but
like everything that's more of afamily connection, not so much

(01:13:39):
friends. If somebody else were to be
straightforward to me, I'd be like OK, cool, thanks.
Thanks for the input. If like Dylan or somebody were
to be straightforward with me, I'd be like, I can't believe you
said that. Why wouldn't you be a little
nicer? Like I said, it comes down to
vulnerability. It's that you trust Dylan, you
trust your family enough to be like, can you filter out the

(01:13:59):
stuff? That wouldn't be the best way to
handle it. Whereas if you're with a friend,
it's like you don't know everything about me.
Yeah, I see what you're getting at.
That makes sense. And then there's also again,
social media is that, and this was specifically about women.
I don't know if it's also probably guys, I don't agree
with it, but it's something I heard which is that women won't

(01:14:20):
be vulnerable with their partners but will be with their
friends which never really made any.
Sense doesn't make too much sense to me either.
That like the person that you trust the most, you also don't
want to hurt you the most. Or maybe it's like new
relationships. I don't know if that was because
there's a lot of things on social media that's like
specific, like circumstantials, like doesn't make any.

(01:14:42):
Sense it would make more sense if they were talking about new
relationships because it's like you don't want to just be
immediately completely vulnerable with someone that you
just met Because like take my example, for example, like I was
a little too vulnerable to begin, but it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault that I was too vulnerable, but he happened

(01:15:04):
to catch me at a very vulnerabletime.
And I think with the right person, you will naturally
become vulnerable and but you'llbe safe.
You'll you'll feel safe being vulnerable with that person.
Like Dylan met me at a time where I was definitely not

(01:15:26):
vulnerable. I was very much the opposite
where I was like, I was in that era of just like I had my guards
up constantly pushing people away 'cause I was like, I do not
want to get hurt. I don't want at the point I
didn't want a relationship at that time when it yeah, I was.
But because of all that stuff that happened to me, I was like,
I'm not letting anybody close tome, 'cause like, you know, And
then we started talking and eventhe whole time I was very much

(01:15:48):
like pushing him away the the whole time, 'cause I was like, I
don't want this to happen. But like I could yet somewhere
deep inside me I felt like I felt like it's OK, just let your
guard down a little bit like this.
He was the first person that I really felt safe with.
Yeah, I remember correctly. You guys met on a baseball

(01:16:09):
field? Yes, he was on my brother's
baseball team and first time I met him was when I had to run my
brother's glasses up to him because he forgot them.
So I ran them up to him and they, they happen to be in the
dugout together. And so that was the first time
we met. I mean, there were a few things
that I noticed immediately when we first started talking, like
he was genuinely interested in what I had to say.

(01:16:32):
Damn. What a loser.
Or maybe he was trying to make it seem that.
Way. Oh, there we go.
There we go. That makes more sense.
And like he was always actually like I could tell he was
actually checking in on me and actually asking questions
because he wanted to know, not because he wanted something with
me or wanted something from me. Because after that one

(01:16:54):
relationship that I talked about, I had multiple.
I had a few other ones before I met Dylan.
And even still, none of those I would say I had ever let my
guard down with those ones that I in when they would like ask me
questions or try to act interested, I could tell it's
because they wanted something from me.
All of those relationships wanted something like went into

(01:17:16):
the relationship wanting a specific thing that I was not
willing to give at that moment. And, and like, I could just kind
of feel that like I was like, I don't feel safe.
How did you how did you detect that?
Because I know people can smell intention from like a mile away.
That's I feel like I'm one of those people.
I can just, I just can just tellpeople's intentions.

(01:17:38):
Like I can just like feel it like something just feels off.
But so you asked me how? How do you how do you detect
that? How do I detect that?
So I feel like a woman's intuition is much better than a
man's intuition when it comes tolike, be able to like, look at
someone, say, I know exactly that.
You're not, You're not just having a friendly relationship.
It's like, oh, you want something more?

(01:18:00):
I think because women are more like on the emotional side.
Oh. It's so sensitive, so.
We we think more emotionally. I think we're able to easily
detect like other people's emotions in like like emotions

(01:18:23):
behind what they're like, intentions behind, like how the
way they're talking, the way they present themselves and kind
of like how they, how they approach you.
We can just kind of like tell, like I'd really have no
explanation for that. But I've always been good at
like my mom calls it vibing whenshe she's like, I can always
vibe people. Like I somebody will come to me

(01:18:44):
and I'll immediately know like what they want or like what who
they are and stuff like she calls it like her vibe.
It's just that I guess women naturally have more implicit
communication skills to be able to detect that the facial
expressions of micro expressions, the body language,
tone of voice, eye contact levellike like is your eye just

(01:19:07):
staring or is it like looking other places like.
But then that also leads to, well, in my case at least, I
tend to overanalyze everything because of that because I'm able
to pick up on that stuff. I like start to just analyze
every little thing that I'm noticing.
And it's like, what does this mean?
And what does that mean? And it's like.
Is that because you're like moreintroverted than you are
extroverted? I guess we can say.

(01:19:27):
I guess you can say that. The introversion of like holding
back a little bit gives you timeto to detect what you're looking
at before you engage extrovertedly.
Yeah, in a way, because it's, it's really interesting because
I'm extroverted in the sense that like I will approach people
and I can make them feel welcomed.
Like I always make sure when I'm, when I'm talking with

(01:19:50):
somebody new that they feel comfortable, that they feel
welcomed and I'm able to talk them.
But also I do kind of like let them talk and kind of like
observe and like I'm very much because like I said before, I'm
very much an observer. And so I kind of just watch how
people, like, talk to me and. Do you want to take a break or
do you want to or is there any anything you wanted to talk

(01:20:12):
about? Let me check my notes.
Oh yay, notes. Yeah, notes.
Nice story. Stop putting out my notes.
Stop perceiving me. Did you have it right in front
of me? You see, English is my first
language. Oh, really?
Which is? I know.
It's shocking. We didn't.
Did we talk much about like, correction over silence?
We can go over that. I I didn't know where I'm just

(01:20:34):
how do you because I it's not one of the things I had.
It was something that you said. So how would you, how would you
define correction over silence? I was actually going to ask you
that first. Oh, so now?
Now you're interviewing. I'm interviewing you now.
OK, I'm sorry for your loss. I know because I'm curious,
because I mean, I have my own like definition for that, my own
like how I took when you wrote down correction over silence.

(01:20:56):
I had my own version of that. But I want to know like what you
thought when you had that as like one of the topics.
Correction over silence. I know it's silence is
correction as in I don't you're a woman, You're not supposed to
be silent. You're supposed to overshare
everything, go to the random people on the streets.

(01:21:17):
How you correct yourself is alsohow you're going to correct
others. Yeah, that's true.
From a like, I know you well enough, not just I'm going to
correct you because I can. I'm going to correct you because
I know you well enough and I know like that I can be honest
with you. And you know how I think that
this is like a yeah, if you like, correct someone in public,
like with other people watching,it's pretty insulting.
If you correct them in private, they'll probably thank you

(01:21:37):
later. Right, right.
Benjamin Franklin, like if you were to, if you were to correct
somebody in public, it's, it's more of like kind of like
putting somebody down, like I know better than you like, and
telling the world that I know better than you versus like
correcting someone in private is, yeah, you're actually out
there to help them. So that's what it was,
correction, rather than not saying anything, that's what it

(01:21:59):
was. I forgot why we had that.
Yeah. Yeah.
And that's what I was trying to figure out.
And that's kind of, that's kind of what.
I I was going on the wrong tangent there.
Yeah, right. We got like 10 minutes of
footage that's going to be completely useless, just
completely confuse the audience.Like what are you guys getting
to? Oh, so correction correcting
others, that's what it was correction of.

(01:22:20):
That's what I was trying to ask was like, are we making I?
Feel like we go down that tangent like like I was thinking
about four is like what I don't.Know because I kind of like, I
was like, wait, you're kind of going somewhere.
Going nowhere. You're going to the river.
You said you're going to the river, but which way are you
going to the river? So I guess we'll do this
external and then you can also do this, which would also imply

(01:22:42):
the internal because, because doing something externally and
not doing it internally, that's called stupidity.
Yeah, which makes a lot of sense.
So correcting. Hypocrisy.
Correctly, how would I define correcting others or how would I
do it? I guess it it I kind of touched

(01:23:04):
on it at when I'm going to say this from the other Aaron that's
on our mats and jiu jitsu, whichis why he said like the way he
said it was that he won't try tohelp someone unless they asked
for his help. Yeah.

(01:23:25):
Which is unless you hear the, unless I hear the exploit, which
that's obviously to me, if I don't hear the ex, the explicit
communication of hey, I need help, then I'm not the one that
can help them the best because there's a certain level of trust
that has to be that's like, oh, I think you might know how to
answer this. I don't know if you are the best

(01:23:46):
person to answer it, but can you, can you help me with this
problems? Like there's a explicit
correction, in which case then Iwould have to one, understand
the situation 2 have them talk it out 'cause sometimes just
talking it out is the correctionitself.
It's like, oh that, oh, OK. And then three, how?

(01:24:07):
Like what's their tone of voice?Is there a ton of voice very
like even and and low, which is like this very serious or is it
more like, oh, I have this problem and it's kind of going
this way. I'm not really sure where to go
with it. Can you help me with this like
big difference in or rather thanhey, I got this problem.
I don't know what to do about it.
Two different people. 111 is like trying excited to get this

(01:24:31):
done. The other one's like, this has
been on their mind for quite a while and while there might not
be like like going to the wrong direction on it, like they
really care about it, the other one's like, Oh well, so it's a
small problem. You know, and it seems like they
really trust you to like help them with whatever.
May not be like exclusively me, like it's not exclusivity like

(01:24:51):
I'm the only one who can help them, but rather I was one of
the options that they chose or Iwas like the first option that
they chose. Not necessarily the best option
because you don't know, but I. Mean that still says something
about yeah. Yeah.
So I think it's correction of usover silence is when someone
asked for it. Then it might be something you
can help with. And if not, I'll defer it to

(01:25:13):
someone who I do know. Be like, hey, that seems like a
problem I don't know how to solve, but I do know someone who
does. I mean, text them and then I'll
get back to you on that. Yeah, yeah.
Would you consider consider it to be impolite?
Like if somebody weren't to ask you for help, but you just tried
to help them anyways, would thatbe considered impolite?
Or is that like circumstantial? I might do that just because

(01:25:36):
you're talking about like if if I see something I correct them
without their permission. Yeah, like something, Yeah,
something along the lines of that.
I'll. Do that not because not for
their benefit, but because I want to see whether or not I can
solve it where I can. If if what I'm thinking is the
best way I can do it. Like for example, Midway Cafe,

(01:25:58):
which is at XAO, they have a free a fridge full of drinks and
it's like different drinks, likeenergy drinks, you have protein
shakes, got some water and stuff.
And I was like, I looked at it was like, what is it?
This looks so unorganized. There's so many better ways of
looking at this. Like why is the water at top?
People need water pretty often. Why don't you put that like
closer to the bottom? Plus it's heavier.
So like why don't you put the heavier stuff at the bottom,

(01:26:18):
lighter stuff at top. And it's like, and also you to
consider that most people will look at the middle section of
things before they look at the top of the bottom.
So it's like, what's the most the best selling things?
OK, they go for that. That's the first thing that
should be. And like, why do you have so
many flavors? Why don't you just like to
minimize the flavors and add diversity and then and then like
maybe on a different shelf, add flavors that are not as popular.

(01:26:40):
And it's like I looked at the entire thing was like, what's
the best way to get it done? And I told one of the guys who
works there and completely gave him like the best, like the best
way I would do it. And I like completely flow
stated for like a solid 10 minutes or just like 1 after
another. Just shut up.
I'm talking here. And it's like 1 after another to
another. And then when the guy who
actually is in charge of that play, like who's the sous chef,

(01:27:00):
the second from the top, the onewho actually can implement the
change came, I completely lost everything I was going for.
Yeah. So it's like, I can, I can solve
the problem in the moment, but if it's not for you, it's
probably for me now someone. And that's where like, I'm not
going to ask them for their input.
I'm probably just going to spew out whatever it is, but if it's

(01:27:22):
something that is explicitly heyI need help with something, it's
like let me understand your situation and then I can figure
out the best way to solve again.And then kind of related, but it
also helps to just kind of externalize like what you're
like, what you're thinking to see if it actually makes sense.
Well, I mean, screw other people's opinions.
And yeah, yeah. Who cares about your feelings?
I I need to solve it? Right, right.

(01:27:42):
Like, like you said, shut up. Like I'm, I'm figuring this out.
But but yeah, I mean, I kind of just asked if it's like
considered impolite because I feel like I feel like sometimes
I step over that line where I feel like I have to help help
people. Like I'm always just like kind
of inserting myself into their situation because it's like, it
looks like you need help. So I'm going to insert myself

(01:28:04):
and try to help. And is that would that be seen
as like impolite? Not if you ask for their
permission, not not like, hey, do I have your permission to do
this? Like I think that's too stupid
or like some people I know, I don't know anyone specific.
Like if I see it on TV or something like, hey, can I be
frank with you? Or can I, can I be, can I be
open with you? It's like if you have to say

(01:28:26):
that, then there's probably, youprobably shouldn't be saying it.
But if it's like, hey, I have a question about this or this
doesn't sound right. Are you doing OK?
And if they're saying they're doing OK, they're doing OK.
I see, so that's why wording is important.
Wording, but also facial expressions.
Like a good friend of mine is going through some rough times
right now and I can't say what it is obviously because it's a

(01:28:48):
personal thing. But his like like yesterday on
the mats, his his tone of voice,the way he was expressing his
body language and everything wasjust slightly off.
It wasn't completely off. But now I also know the context
of why to look to look out for that.
But I saw it was like a little bit off.
So I just checked in on him likehey, anything that could do to
help you anything like kept the door open.
So like if he does need something, I didn't not tell

(01:29:10):
him. Yeah, yeah.
But also, like, I'm also not themost capable to be able to help
him with everything. It's like, I can't be like, hey,
if you need my home, go for it. It's like I don't have a home.
I have a house. Yeah, I have a home.
I have a family. But like, I don't have my own
dwelling that I can be like, hey, you can pop in whenever you
want. Yeah, right.
It's, it's one also like how well do you know the person, how

(01:29:32):
much you, I mean, you can't control how much someone trusts
you. It's either they trust you or
they don't or like they don't know whether or not trust you.
The switch is still a no. So it's, is it impolite?
It's not impolite as long as youdon't force yourself on them.
You like you do it in A cause. Platonists can also be like
putting a mask on and what what was that called?

(01:29:55):
Politeness is something along the lines of when you're being
polite, you're giving someone your thoughts in an organized
and clean way. Or it's like all the stuff that
it's not needed for the conversation out.
Even though they might go on something, it's like that's not
the most essential things. And then that also ties into the
internal correction of like, andmy, you know, like all the

(01:30:17):
muscles in my back are right nowis completely strained.
Like, should I get a massage? Should I stretch once?
Well, I'm a guy. I don't care.
That's what the caffeine's for, to overwhelm my brain with like
better things to do. But like having that internal
regulator, like, oh, I don't, I usually wash my face.
I didn't wash my face yesterday morning.
I did this morning. Thank God.

(01:30:38):
I mean, you can't fix uglies. It doesn't matter.
Can't wash it out. Nose is always going to look
this big. My ears always going to look
that monkey like it doesn't matter.
But it's like, did I oh, my room's a little more messy than
usual. Should I clean it up because I
haven't cleaned it up in a while.
It's like just the small things that no one else is going to
see, but I will see and then having that like, oh, am I did I

(01:31:01):
drink enough water? Did I eat today?
Am I hungry? Did I get enough exercise?
Have I socialized enough? Like have I done the things that
while for productivity wise isn't the most important, for
keeping my emotional side in check is important?
I mean, you can also go deeper and ask why like, oh, it looks
like, looks like my room is a mess again, instead of like, I

(01:31:23):
mean, of course you can ask like, should I, should I clean
it? You can also ask why, why, why
is my room getting a mess? Why am I becoming less social?
Like is there something deeper going on that needs to be
corrected? So it's not, it's not just those
like basic things that can go a lot deeper than that.
And it also ties into just beinghonest with yourself and know
that, one, hold yourself to those higher handers, but two,

(01:31:45):
you're still human. You're still going to make
mistakes. You're still going to see that
ugly guy in church every day youlike.
You don't have a choice. You're not getting any prettier,
by the way. Pray for them.
No, I'm sorry. Probably you shouldn't or no,
not pray for them. Pray for yourself.
Like I will never look like that.
Maybe you're not the best use toprayer, but I'm just saying like

(01:32:07):
if you had to, I mean like some things you can't change in this
life. Other things like I've seen
people who are very overweight. They have the best, best like
enthusiastic personalities. Like I'm completely like, I
don't care what you look like. You have a great personality.
And then other times they see you seeing like overweight
people and they're like, they have the nasty ass you.
I'm like, OK, it's probably because you're, you're

(01:32:28):
overweight, but also like peoplego to the gym.
I've noticed I've seen not everyone, but I've seen a lot of
people. Like it's really just how the
attitude mostly because people, it's like, especially when you
go into the gym, like you're working out every single day,
that's a lot of hormones. It's like endorphins and, and,
and adrenaline and the dopamine and everything.

(01:32:50):
It's like it's like a lot. Plus you like eat a lot of food
and you're like always like completely wiped.
But also you can still be positive.
Like there's like you. What was it?
You don't have to always be happy, but you can be positive.
Yeah, yeah. Did you want to tie that to
something? It reminded me of something, but
how everybody has different likevalues, like what they, what

(01:33:12):
they value. Like kind of like what you were
saying about how one person can be overweight, but yet be like
the most enthusiastic person andlike, and that's great for them.
And then other people can be like overweight and just not,
not doing, not doing very well. It's kind of, it kind of goes
down to what people think is important to them and like, so
kind of knowing yourself and knowing what's what's important

(01:33:34):
to you and what are you like, because if somebody, if somebody
can be truly happy while being like, I hate to keep using like
the overweight example, like there is there another example?
The most, the best physical health, which is the explicit
communication that you can see from someone because you can't
judge them for who they are, butyou can't judge them like, oh,

(01:33:57):
maybe there's a correlation herebecause I mean that one, it is
still judgement, but it's also like, I'm not using, I'm not
saying because they're overweight that they're getting
emotional, but rather like if I was overweight, would I be
emotional? Yeah, Yeah, yeah.
That's. You didn't shut off your phone
because. Sorry, I it's still in.
Don't join me to turn off the. I'll just text and be like, hey

(01:34:18):
kid. Did Aaron Aaron kidnap you?
I told him not to text me or call and I was like, hey, I'm
going in a podcast, Don't don't Ding me that.
Is 2 hours so I wouldn't be surprised.
Because I have them on an emergency bypass because you can
do that, which is good. Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah, I don't see overweightpeople as like because they're
overweight, but rather just likethey don't take care of

(01:34:39):
themselves. Is it leading to this problem?
Yeah, right. And then you were saying your
thing, which I'm guessing you forgot that you didn't want to
be using this, the overweight example specifically.
Yeah. I want to know if there's like
another example that I can that I can use rather than keep on
using the the overweighting samples.
Like I feel like I'm hating on overweight people.
That's not what this is. Why are you hitting on them?

(01:35:02):
Hating, hating. Just cause like there, there may
be people that appear overweight, but may actually be
still pretty healthy. And it's like whether they're
healthy physically or mentally and stuff.
So that's why I'm like, is thereanother example that we can use?
But I mean, I guess that's an OKexample now that I've explained
that that I'm not just. And I'm I'm saying this from

(01:35:23):
like a I'm passing by or I'm like, I gave them like a one
sentence conversation or something.
One second, I'm going to kind oflike externalize my my thought
process right now. So we're talking about no.
OK, where's my popcorn? They may be happy with where
where they are. So they have they have no reason
to like to get themselves workedup over their appearance.

(01:35:44):
If that's something that that's not super important to them.
If they like accept, because there and then there are other
people that will be the opposite, that'll say the
opposite. That's like, I'm fine with where
I am, but yet they're acting allmiserable.
It's like, Are you sure you are like that's when that's kind of
when the correction kind of comes in.
It's like, OK, I'm not feeling so great.
Why is that? And what, what do I need to

(01:36:05):
correct and and such. But it's kind of like I was
going to try to tie this into like how do you know you want
something? How do I tie that in?
How do you know what you want for?
Something like how do you know you want?
Something like how do you know something is important?
What What is important to you and what's not?

(01:36:26):
What are? You about it's kind of like it's
not about doing the right thing,it's about knowing what's right.
Yeah. Doing doing what you want it's
knowing what you want. Yeah.
How do you know what you want? Well, self-awareness.
I think it's probably the biggest thing, just like, are
you self aware with who you are and what you're currently are
in? Like can you stay in the present

(01:36:47):
for 10 seconds or are you still thinking about the future, still
thinking about your past? Because if you know, if you
understand where you've been andyou understand where you're
going, then you understand what you have to do.
And that's where you start to understand what you need and
what you want. Like I wanted a milkshake today.
I was very much like I was this close to going to Chick-fil-A
and getting a good cooking and cream milkshake.

(01:37:09):
But I also know that the sugar level isn't going to be too much
that I won't be able to focus onhere.
I also know that I'm hungry right now.
I want to eat, but I also know Ithink the best when I'm hungry,
when I have when like I, I need to eat something when I haven't
eaten anything in like a couple hours or like I'm just like my
stomach's like I eat itself. Wow, I want that.

(01:37:33):
I need not to do either one, maybe do it later or not do it
all because the sugar is really not good for me.
And also I'm like, probably lactose intolerant, but that's
not the point. It's weird.
I can't drink milk anymore. It's like, it sucks.
Yeah. Yeah, no, I feel that too.
Beef, apples, cherries I like. My body is completely like
screwing up my entire perceptionof how like I live.
Soon as it can be peanut butter I'll be like.
I love peanut butter though. Yeah, the body is just weird

(01:37:55):
like that. So we like that because I get
that. Knowing what you need and what
you want, and whether or not youcare about what you need more
over what you want. Yeah, yeah.
And it's like that's kind of howit.
Would you say that's kind of howyou find like what's important
to you and what's not? Or does that play into knowing
what you need? I would say it's one and the
same. What I need is important, yes.

(01:38:16):
What I want is as important depending on whether or not not
that want is also my need. Yeah, yeah.
Like at this point, I try to tiein my one.
I'm at this point, like my needsand my wants are essentially the
same. What?
There are a couple of things that are kind of like outliers
in my wants. But like, do I, do I need to
eat? No, I could probably survive a

(01:38:39):
day without eating or a couple hours without eating.
It's not going to make me like the caffeine is going to crush
my appetite a lot. And do I want to get this done
the best way possible? Have like a good podcast?
Yes. OK, so that ties in.
There's no resistance to that. Yeah.
And then if I like, do I want like, I'll, I'll say this from

(01:39:00):
like the romantic side of things.
Do I want a girlfriend? Absolutely.
Do I need a girlfriend? Probably.
But am I in a position to be able to be like emotionally
vulnerable? To be not emotionally, I could
be emotionally vulnerable. It's not that hard.
Am I emotionally available? Am I able to provide for her?
Am I able to be there when she needs it?
Probably not. I'm not in that position of my

(01:39:20):
life. As much as I wish I was, I'm
not. And until then I can start
understanding how women work. I can understand how guys work,
how like understand the relationships and ask people
questions that like once I do find her, I'll be able to be out
of able to have all this stuff subconsciously that's like
always going my mind so I can help her the best way I can.
So when I get to that point, it's like my needs and my wants

(01:39:42):
is 20 times better. But until then, I can just work
on myself as much as I can. Going back to the girlfriend
thing. Oh no, Oh no.
This is why I don't like being well.
She's vulnerable. I'm your therapist now.
You're my therapist. You're my therapist.
Oh boy. Yikes.
I want a new I want I want a newtherapist at.

(01:40:03):
Least you're not paying for it. I'm not, thank God.
Wait, no I don't like free. What was your question?
You not having those traits thatyou just mentioned at this
moment, would you say that's that's stopping you from that's
stopping you from thinking you can have like you think you
can't have a girlfriend until you have those traits?

(01:40:25):
There's three things that kind of tied into this, not like the
only three things, but the threethings that would answer your
question in the most efficient way without like going on 1000
tangents 1. I want to be able to be self
aware, to know where I'm at, what I'm capable of, what I'm
able to manage of. Course, that's important.
Kind of like what you said at the very beginning of this, like

(01:40:47):
do I know? Do I want to handle everything
myself or am I just able to hit manage the things I could do
today? Part of that also goes with the
humility of knowing that I'm notperfect and I know that who I'm
going to be. Well, I am perfect, but you
know, for other people I'm not perfect.
That I have the humility and also like just self esteem that

(01:41:07):
I'm not perfect. I've never will be perfect
because my my understanding of what is perfect and what's not
perfect will change as time goeson.
And like perfection is just an illusion.
But most of all is that I've meta lot of women that have gone
through a lot of tough things because the guy that they were

(01:41:31):
with were not emotionally matureenough to handle their needs.
And I'm not saying women are useless, they are, but that the
emotional maturity is more of a subconscious thing than a
conscious 1. Like I can say I'm mature, but
to be mature, that's another thing, yeah.
It's always like that's, that's such a weird topic because it's

(01:41:52):
like, how do you know you're mature?
Will you ever know? Or will you just constantly say
that you're mature and then realize, oh, I wasn't mature
when I said I was mature, but I'm mature now and then that's.
Why I don't say it? Yeah, yeah.
Like whenever someone says I'm aman, I don't see that.
Like, am I able to help someone?Am I able to start a family?
No, I'm not. I'm not in any position to do
either. 1 So I don't consider myself a man.
But when someone says it, it's like it's a nice reality check

(01:42:14):
that, hey, I'm progressing. Like a year ago, I wouldn't have
said I was a man. I would have said I was a the
not a man, a child or something.Like I did not have the same
sense of commitment, passion, motivation, discipline, a bunch
of stuff that is still growing as time goes on.

(01:42:34):
But I don't want like if I had agirlfriend, would I be able to
help her? Yeah, but would I be able to be
there all the time for her? Probably not 'cause I'm just too
focused on what I'm doing right now.
That's fair, I see. What you're saying now, if I'm
not there for her, 'cause I like, one of the biggest things
I've seen with the women I know is that it's like, is the

(01:42:55):
attention, can I give her enoughmy attention to be able to like,
like instead of 'cause you mightdeserve like, kind of like you
said, like let me lay out the cards and see what I think There
was, maybe it was Jordan Peterson who said that women
have to lay out their cards justto see if there's no perceived
threat. Like they think there's a
threat, but there is no threat. But they have to like go on like

(01:43:15):
a 2 hour conversation, like, oh,there is no threat, but it's
like they just have to explain it.
Do I have the time for two hour conversations?
Probably not, unless it's a podcast, in which case it's
perfectly fine. But in that case, it's also
still business. It's still like here for purpose
that hopefully will do everything better.
But something like, do can I give someone an hour of my time?

(01:43:36):
Yes. But if that hour then goes to an
hour and a half or two hours, I'm going to start getting a
little irritated. Like my time is more valuable
than that. But also, I know not every
problem can be solved in an houror two hours.
Yeah. Do I wish I could be with
someone? Yeah.
Do I think I'm capable of helping them without making them
feel like they haven't been, they don't have the attention,

(01:43:58):
they haven't been heard, more importantly, that they're loved?
I don't know. And I don't want to be in a
position where I hurt someone else and now they're trying to
seek some others form of attention that's now hurting
their future success. Like I would rather have someone
else screw you up than me. Yeah, so it's kind of like it's
kind of like what I was talking about earlier about baby.

(01:44:19):
Like now is just not the time. It doesn't mean that never is
the time, but it's just like now.
Now you would rather focus on this one thing at this moment
and then come back to that. So it's kind of like once again,
figuring out what's what's important to you at this moment.
OK, OK. I see, 'cause I mean, what I was
the reason why I asked that was 'cause I, I was trying to figure

(01:44:39):
out, it's like, are you trying to be perfect before finding?
OK, 'cause that's not, that's not going to happen.
Well, that's also assuming that she's going to be perfect, but
she's not going to be perfect and I'm not going to be the the
best relationships I've seen or the best women that I know who
are very much on top of their game.
They're like they're in the bestphysical health.
They look beautiful. They have like they make sure
they take care of themselves andthey have like a very clear

(01:45:01):
message. Like they can like keep eye
contact and talk to you for a while.
It was because they have someoneto help them.
Yeah. Yeah.
If the guy is also, like, in thebest, like, manliest form, like
they're able to help you, be able to be there for you, it's
probably because they have a woman behind them.
It's like that. That synergy is very, very
important. But can I be the one?

(01:45:21):
Is she going to be perfect? Probably not.
Am I going to be perfect? Probably not.
Will we work together? I have no idea.
Do I care? Not right now.
That's a later problem. If it's not important to you
right now, then that's then like, yeah, it doesn't really
matter. Because I was going to say kind
of like kind of like what you were saying about because I know

(01:45:47):
I definitely wasn't. I was nowhere near perfect when
I first got together with Dylan.I was still like, I think I was
better than I was before. Had we met like 2 years before,
it would never worked out. But like, I wasn't perfect.
I'm still not perfect, but like nobody will.

(01:46:09):
I'm glad you're saying this about the podcast because if
there's anything I've learned sofar, I definitely wasn't that.
Quite to the opposite, actually.But nobody is.
Nobody's perfect. But like, he's I've because I
wasn't even looking for a relationship in that time
either. It wasn't something that that
was important to me in that moment until like I did meet him

(01:46:32):
and realized like, whoa, maybe this is I broke it.
Damn. I knew I shouldn't have been in
a relationship. Breaks the pen.
Did you? What did you just?
This is, this is, this is a realpen, you know?
Yeah, Oh yeah. But like the way you were just
like, vented. Yeah, it's just just plastic.
I can't do that 'cause then I'llhave to buy a new one, like 40

(01:46:54):
bucks. That's actually very flexible.
Oh 'cause. Him anyways, being in a
relationship wasn't something that was super important to me
in that moment. I wasn't looking for a
relationship until I started talking to him and realized like
whoa, I'm feeling very safe withhim.
This might be my opportunity to take my guards down and it was
it was I I wouldn't have been able to do that without.

(01:47:17):
I mean, maybe I would have had Idon't know, but it definitely
helped me learn how to be vulnerable with someone again,
which is something that I never thought I would ever be able to
do. And same same thing with him,
without going into too much personal detail about his life,
like he he wasn't perfect when he met me either.
And and so he's battling something and that you probably

(01:47:43):
wouldn't have thought to battle or correct since we're kind of
on the topic of correction had it not been for like being with
me. On one hand, it's like, oh, I'm
not looking for someone. I am looking for someone.
I'm, I'm keeping that awareness.But it's like, yeah, yeah, I'm
not. You're not actively searching.
Yeah, it's passively searching. Yeah.
It's like, oh, is she? No, I'm looking at her butt too
much. It happens all the time.

(01:48:06):
It's like, like, why are you wearing flippin neon green
leggings? Is that the person I'm looking
for? No, absolutely not.
I'm not looking for someone who just flaunts herself in public.
Is that fine? That's self-confidence.
Perfectly fine. No, no problem with that.
But it's like. It's not what you.
It's not what you value. Do I want to see you as an
object? Absolutely not In.
Public This is going to go in the no context short.

(01:48:30):
The entire thing is no context. It still doesn't make any sense.
Do I want to be with someone or do I want to be with someone I
want to be with for 40 years? It could be a pain in the butt,
I know that, but it's like long term from that first impression.
First impression is not the onlyimpression, but it is the the
best impression because like that's who you see first time.

(01:48:52):
Now are they perfect the first time?
No. Are they tired?
No, but are they honest? Yes, 100%.
What you see is probably what you're going to get.
That's one thing Dave said on his podcast.
Second one, I think, which is maybe it was a first, maybe a
second and one of the two between the the 4 1/2 hours.
You guys can figure it out that people go into like

(01:49:15):
relationships thinking that theycan fix someone else, but rather
the person you see is probably the person you're going to get.
It's like you have to accept them for who they are.
If you don't accept that, like yes, future aspirations, who do
you want to be? That's important.
But knowing that you're not going to see that for a while.
You maybe you just saw the tree getting planted.
Maybe you're seeing a sapling, but you're not seeing the entire

(01:49:36):
tree. And it's like, well, don't have
unrealistic expectations for someone that you probably don't
know. Yeah, going back to what you
said about like you can't like don't go, don't go into a
relationship thinking you can fix somebody.
Because I, I learned that the hard way as someone who was, I
mean, this was around the time where I started practicing my
faith, but I dated an atheist and I'm just like, so I didn't,

(01:50:01):
I didn't think like that would be bad at the moment.
But I was like, I went in thinking was like, if I, maybe,
if I do like pursue this faith, maybe I can make him do it too.
And I was like, absolutely not. I mean, he was a good guy.
He was a great guy, but it just,you know, we ended up like
butting, butting heads because like, I really wanted him to be
on the same page as me. But you know, that wasn't we, we

(01:50:23):
agreed on that wasn't going to happen.
So I was like, don't go in with the idea that you're going to
fix somebody, change somebody, don't like, I mean pretty much
just that don't go in with the idea that you're going to make
somebody perfect for you. It's like you should already
have your set of values. And if they don't, if they don't
match those, because like everybody's got like their deal

(01:50:45):
Breakers and stuff. If they don't match those then
it's not don't even DRY. Yeah, I think it's kind of like
what you said earlier, which is that when you first start out
with something, when you're first like in going to like the
dating space or you're first like getting out of the comfort
zone of your parents world and you start going to the the world
that exists. Any opportunity looks like a
good opportunity. But then you start realizing the

(01:51:07):
first choice is usually not the best choice.
The second choice might not be the best choice.
But as you start seeing more andmore people, you start
understanding like how people operate, how they, their
implicit communication. They're like, like I can look in
at look at someone and like within 10 seconds I could be
like, OK, this person thinks like me or this person is not
clicking properly or this personjust completely out of whack.

(01:51:27):
I'm not going to, I'm not going to.
I'm not going there. I would hate to like completely
backtrack. It's like, hey, we just finished
this topic, but we're going to go back to this topic.
Like what topic? Correction over silence.
We kind of mostly talked about correction over silence towards
an individual and towards self. But what about like towards
groups? If you, if you don't have

(01:51:47):
anything, I, I actually, yeah, go ahead.
When I first heard correction over silence, the first thing
that came to my mind was like using your voice.
So like using your voice to bring awareness to things rather
than being rather than being silent.
Groups not necessarily like groups of people, but rather
like social media kind of groups, like societal groups.

(01:52:08):
Yeah, societal groups. The first thing I thought of was
like, everyone has their story and like being able to share
that story rather than being because that's it's something
that everyone can learn from real quick.
If you I know it's been like. No, keep going.
I don't. OK, yeah, I was like, I know.

(01:52:28):
It's like. It doesn't cost me anything to
record more, yeah. Yeah, I just didn't.
The only only thing is just overheating, but these are not
overheating so it's fine. At any point if it's like going
way too. Late.
I don't care, just just go. OK, cool, cool.
Just so excited. Oh.
I could talk, find the way, you know, getting out of my cocoon.
Because I feel like one of the main points that I wanted to hit
today was kind of like was that big deep story that I talked

(01:52:52):
about earlier about my story in kind of about why I share my
story. So when I think of correction
over silence, I think of like I said before, using using your
voice to bring awareness to a situation that that because I

(01:53:13):
think everyone can learn something from it.
So the reason why I share my story is because like my story
has made people feel heard. It's given them something to
relate to and it has changed people's lives.
Like I remembered when I first shared my story online, I had

(01:53:35):
posted it like on my Instagram story and like talking about
like, why? Why I think the way I do about
like the porn industry and stuff.
When I first shared my story online, Dylan asked me, he was
like, why? Why tell the Internet that like,
why would you do that? And I was like, well, were you
yourself not moved by that story'cause he told me he was like he

(01:53:56):
was moved by the story. And I was like, imagine how many
other people I can impact by using my voice rather than
staying silent. So that's kind of like, that's
kind of like the why to my story.
No, I didn't go. I don't think I I went mostly
just into my story rather than hold on.

(01:54:20):
Like I didn't get to fully go towhere I wanted to go.
What am I doing? Oh, you said about people, other
people also speaking out about their stories.
I think there's like kind of like a process of, of healing
from like, from like a certain trauma.
And let's say I'm just going to keep using mine as an example
because that's that's just the one that I have.
The only one that you know very well.

(01:54:41):
Wow. When it first happens, it's like
you're a victim. You're a victim of what, what
has happened to you. But like, it doesn't mean you're
going to stay a victim forever. Like it goes from you start out
as seeing yourself as a victim, then after a little bit of like
processing, realizing what what happened to you, you become like
a survivor kind of. And from there you can learn to.

(01:55:06):
And then this takes time too. Like I think I was in kind of
like the victim stage for years,which is not a bad stage to be
in. But eventually, like as you
process and heal, you can becomea survivor.
And then you can use that voice to advocate for other people who
have gone through the same thingor like educate other people who

(01:55:28):
may may not know about like the seriousness of the situation.
There was there was 1, one of myfavorite, one of the few but my
favorite episodes that I listen from Joe Rogan, which was with I
forgot her first name. I don't know how to pronounce
her first name, but Miss Park, she's a defector from North
Korea and she explains like the world in North Korea, how well,

(01:55:52):
how she escaped it, which is through human trafficking.
Weirdly enough, she'd like, in order to get over the border,
she also had to go into the world of human trafficking,
which is like that, that was a big story.
But also like one of the biggestthings that got me hooked was
that in North Korea, there's no,there's no word in their
language for I, there's no individuality.

(01:56:14):
There's like, it's, it's not a concept in there in the
language, which is like, if I, if they didn't talk about it, I
wouldn't have ever heard about it.
I wouldn't have known about it. But also as a podcast like 3
hours long, it was like, I'm going to listen to this entire
thing. I've actually met people on both
sides, which I'll elaborate in asecond.
Oh. So now we're getting suddenly
juicy. What do you mean by both sides?

(01:56:36):
So when I say, well, I did say Iwas going to elaborate.
And it's like if you would just wait, no.
No, no, tell me it's. Like I need to know now.
So when I say on both sides, oneside is like people who have
gone through like sexual abuse there, there have been people on
that side that have come clean about her, have come come out

(01:56:59):
and talk to me about it and like, Hey, your story has really
made what I'm. Sorry, it's there's a time for
that. Now is not the time.
OK, Start from the beginning. OK, So you're talking to both
the people who are on the sexualabuse side?
Yes, so people who have been abused in how they're able to

(01:57:24):
relate with my story. But then I've also met people
who not talking about people whohave, who have abused, but let's
say people who have like excessively used pornography and
didn't see the problem with it until like I shared my story and

(01:57:46):
kind of like came to the realization that like, whoa,
actually, I do see this thing affect affecting me negatively,
like affecting my mind, the way I think, the way I perceive
women and people for that matter.
I see how this is affecting me negatively now that you've
brought it to my attention and have and they've said that like

(01:58:08):
I've had at least two people that decided to stop because
it's like your story changed my perception on this and I won't
be doing it anymore. So it's like I've seen people on
both sides and what were we, what was the original question

(01:58:28):
when I said like I have seen people on both sides.
Original was like, how many people have you have told you
their story and been been comfortable enough to say it?
Because usually it's there's a quote that's something along the
lines of like when you start realize, when you start
understanding people more, the more you realize that they're

(01:58:48):
similar. They're more similar than
different. Yeah, yeah.
So I was just wondering like, isit like a lot of people who've
like once you shared it that I like I said, I'll cut like cup
like 50 people, 100 people? Or is it like more of a small
group but still, you know, significant?
I would say small group, but still significant just because

(01:59:08):
like, I mean, I don't have too many.
I don't get too many like views on my Instagram stories because
I posted it on my Instagram story and then people reached
out to me being like, thank you for sharing this.
This is my story. This is how your story has
impacted me and my life and how I how I see things.
Then I've also like individuallytalked to people about this as
well. And those individuals have been
like, oh, thank you for bringingthis to my attention.

(01:59:31):
It's not usually the people don't care about it, but rather
they just either don't know about it or this is the worst
part, they don't have time to think about it.
It's like, oh, hey, that was a really cool podcast.
I saw you have or not podcast, but like I saw this video on
YouTube. It's like, oh, the I'll effects
of XY and Z anyways, there's some dogs over here.

(01:59:51):
I like to see that. Yeah.
It's like what people want and what they need.
It's usually like, yeah, that isimportant.
But right now I just wanted to de stress.
But it's like you're talking to someone.
It's like I can't get I can't like skip the cutscene here.
I got. I kind of listen to what you
have to say. Being able to share my story and
the fact that like even if it was only 7 people that received

(02:00:15):
my story and like impacted them,that's still worth it.
That is still so worth it. Even if I share my story to
100,000 people people and only 100 people are changed by a,
that's, that's like a whole lifetime change for them.
So I think, I think it's worth it.
I think sharing your voice is soimportant because not every

(02:00:36):
because like you said before, not everybody would know or even
think about that kind of stuff until until you bring attention
to it. I'm very passionate about
sharing my story. Not because I don't want like, I
do not want pity for my story. I'm past that point.
I'm way past that point. I don't want attention from my
story either. I'm way past that.

(02:00:57):
I'm like. That was 2 1/2 hours ago.
I am sharing it so that I can make a change in people's lives
and hopefully make a change. And like how everybody, like, I
mean, I don't think, I don't think that it's going to change
like my one story is going to change like how society thinks,
but if it can change. One person like.

(02:01:18):
One person, then that one personcould possibly like change
others. It's like that's that's how you
change the world. If you want to go a little, I
just need to. I just need to stand up and walk
around a little bit. That's why I don't mind going
for more. I just need a.
What I really wanted to do was Iwanted to like hit some more
points about negative effects, the negative effects of like the
porn imagery, including like thesex trafficking, sex, sexual

(02:01:38):
abuse, like destroying relationship, all that kind of
stuff. But like, I also don't want to
like force it. How do?
How can we like segue into that?I don't think there's any good
way to to segue it just because it's a podcast.
It's a conversation. Right.
That's why I'm like, I don't want to ruin the flow of the
conversation because then it'll be obvious.
I mean, it doesn't really matterif someone's gone through like 2
hours of this thing, they're probably like somewhat

(02:01:59):
interested and I'll have, I'll have time stamps and everything
so people can jump around wherever.
Maybe we could just leave it forlike another time.
I mean, I just as long as I justbriefly got my story out there,
but like, I don't want people tothink I just put my story out
there just because like. Who cares?
Oh, I mean, yeah, right. Who cares what people think,
right? It's.
Like you were. You said it.
What did they do? Nothing.
OK, Yeah, yeah, they can go eat their doggy cable or something.

(02:02:23):
But yeah, then we can, I mean, we could just wrap, wrap it up.
We could save that for another time. 2 questions.
Depending on you can choose which one you want to start
with. Who do you want to be 10 years
from now and what would you havetold yourself five years ago?
Oh boy, that's pretty deep. I'll start off with the first

(02:02:45):
one. Who do I want to be 10 years
from now? I would definitely want to be
someone who's like confident in who who I am and who I who, who
I want to be would be like a follower of Jesus.
I want to be confident in that, in that that's who I am.

(02:03:07):
That is my identity. And something I would have tell
myself five years ago, that was a little bit of a harder one.
That was around the age that allthat stuff happened to me.
I had moved away and I just kindof like cut contact with

(02:03:32):
everybody at that it because that's when all that stuff
happened. And then I was at a new school
and it was just like weird for me because I was like, I didn't
want, I didn't want any friends.Like 2 What I tell myself,

(02:03:56):
I'd probably tell myself like itnone of that stuff that happened
to me was not, that was not my fault, but it wasn't my fault.
I think around that time when I was still processing everything,
I was like how I should have known better and that I've
somehow for some reason blamed myself for like what happened.

(02:04:19):
All the things that unfolded then, like when I moved, cut
contact with everybody and then switched schools, that I was
like, I felt like I wasn't worthanything.
I would actually, that's what I would tell myself five years
ago. I would tell myself that you are
worth something, that you do have value in, that what

(02:04:44):
happened to you does not define who you are or your values or
how or your value. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. If you are who you are 10 years
from now, what would you want that person to know about you?
Can you repeat the question? So the first question I asked

(02:05:05):
was, who do you want to be in 10years?
This question is, what would youtell yourself 10 years from now?
Me talking to my future self or future self talking to me now.
Well, that would be possible though, so it would be the first
one. What if it was a question?

(02:05:36):
What if I asked myself somethinglike?
I can't control what you say. I mean, I really don't actually,
that doesn't really make much sense.
I was going to say like, like. Don't ruin my.
Like did you spend your time wisely?
I would probably ask like, did you?

(02:05:56):
No, but that doesn't really makesense.
No, not not relating to the person that I said I was going
to be. It reflects on who you are now.
Yeah, yeah. Because if you ask yourself 10
years from now, it's like a persistent 10 years question,
not just, hey, this is who I am now.
It's like, did you get one thingthat I wanted today that I

(02:06:19):
wasn't able to achieve right now?
Yeah, yeah. So that's the dumb question, but
it's a it's, it's, well, it's supposed to say pertinent to
this, it's it's related to the question, so you can ask a
question. So yeah, I guess that question
would be like, did you use your time wisely?
Because that's something that I feel like I'm always so hard on

(02:06:39):
myself about, about like using my, am I using all my time
wisely? And that's what gets me all
stressed out like we were talking about earlier, so.
And then you'll probably be questioning more why was I
talking to that idiot the entiretime?
Three hours just I did not use my time wise wisely.
No, I suppose to use the time like and that was on the
Internet. It's like what?

(02:07:00):
But now I know better. OK, cool.
Anything else? All right, I think that's a
good. Appreciate it.
Yeah. Damn, that's a firm grip.
I hate it when women do that. It's like fudge, you're actually
intelligent. Yeah, you know, actually, you
know who I learned that from? What was his name?
I don't remember his name. Bruce.

(02:07:22):
Yes, yes, I mentioned him multiple times on the podcast
but not by name and I'll probably edit this part out.
Correction or silence? I know it's silence is
correction as in. I don't.
You're a woman, you're not supposed to be silent.
You're supposed to overshare everything, go to the random

(02:07:43):
people on the streets. Why do you think the Starbucks
coffee is like a list of like like 20 things?
It's like, dude, just get dark coffee.
Like why are you making me complicated?
Well, I guess the best question is how would you what?
What is correction? So I know silence is like lack

(02:08:05):
of communication, but like what's is correction?
Being able to keep yourself likekeeping yourself within
something? Or is it because like if you
think of a like a, a path in a forest, is correction going on
the path that's clearly laid out?
Or is it correction like seeing the path and seeing there's a

(02:08:26):
more efficient way and then going off that path?
That's a good question. I think.
Well, I mean, if the path is clearly laid out for you and
you're walking down that path like and you continue to walk
down that path, what correction is really happening there?
Not going off the path. I mean, but that's not, that's
not correction, that's just avoiding making a mistake.

(02:08:46):
Well, it's it's, it's the same, it's the same thing.
Because if like every step you take, it's either you go on
something that's predefined or you go off something that's
predefined. It's still the same action
here's but like one, it's just, it's the same action but
different direction. So correction also correction
could be self-awareness. It could be.

(02:09:09):
It could be. I guess it's mostly just
self-awareness. Like is a correction on
something predefined? Like you have a plan, you stick
to it. Or is it?
I have a goal and I have and I want to be able to get to that
goal and I will figure it out along the way because not
everything I see now is what is getting me to that end result.

(02:09:32):
I mean, honestly, I don't think that you can.
You can't really see, I mean, it'd be amazing if you could see
everything. Like you can have a plan fully
laid out, but you still can't see everything that's that's
like going to happen. But also like kind, well, I
mean, you're right, but also staying like if, if we're
keeping with the force analogy that the trail will lead to the
river, but instead of going to that part of the river, I might

(02:09:54):
actually want to go to that partof the river, but this path goes
to that one. It's like is a correction like
do I just get to the river or doI get to the river, that part of
the river that I want to get to?I kind of see where you're
getting at now. Or I could do both, just staying
on something predefined, predefined correction, and then

(02:10:16):
not flexible, dynamic, dynamic and also flexible.
It's a better way of saying this.
Or maybe another way of saying it is like you're a river.
Do you flow with the river or doyou try to figure out no, I'll

(02:10:36):
stick with the forest analogy. That's probably the better one.
But then how does that go with silence?
Because that doesn't make any sense.
So correction over. Beings peaceful and silent.
Well, if it's so peaceful, why don't you go into the river?
Because a peaceful once you're halfway in, it's like, so
correction over. Not silence, but correction
over. Well.

(02:10:58):
Stagnation is not the right word.
It depends on what we're talkingabout here.
Like what are like correction over silence?
Are we talking about like correction with your question
self? 2 questions.
And I'm building off of it. We're figuring this out
together. This is not good, are you?

(02:11:18):
What is what is the correction over silence?
What is the correction? Well, what are we talking about?
Well. You're right, it was my question
I asked you like what is correction over silence and now
I'm. Now I'm trying to figure out.
Asking for elaboration. So are we talking about
correction over silence within? I gotcha.
A logical point is a logical point.
I can't argue with that. Are we talking about correction

(02:11:41):
like within self or giving somebody like correction like
helping? That's that's what I'm asking.
Internal or external correction?Yes.
I would say you could do the same thing for correction.

(02:12:01):
It could be both internal and external for the same idea.
Because you can. How you.
Because how you.

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Persevering Through Sexual Abuse and Finding God - Alena Dimopoulos

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Persevering Through Sexual Abuse and Finding God - Alena Dimopoulos