December 15, 2024 • 13 mins
The clock ticks slowly, taunting like a hangman's noose waiting for an occupant. Nobody wants to hear the wrong result.
During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed. The events have not.
This is a Jekyll & Pride production.
Producer: Trevessa Newton
Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)
Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025
@talesfromthejailspodcast
@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 12.
(00:24):
The jury is out.
At some point in their life, aperson may find themselves
asking or contemplating what istough?
(00:45):
What is hard?
What is strong?
I suppose context andcircumstances play a part.
One must take into considerationwhat place or moment provokes a
person to be thinking suchquestions.
Either with a little wisdom, oralot of experience, I've come to
believe it means differentthings to different people at
(01:08):
different times.
Whatever each of us is searchingfor in life, there is no
guarantee one's own lifetimewill provide the answers.
Events change the course ortrajectory of life, often
without notice.
Imagine having your world turnedupside down, your routines
changed dramatically, yourpersonal circumstances out of
(01:31):
your control and your feelingsand emotions tested beyond their
limits.
How you think you will cope maydiffer widely to the reality of
how you do cope.
Who or what do you become as aresult?
How would you react or respondwhen your freedom and choices
are removed and your life iscatapulted into a powder keg of
(01:53):
mayhem?
Here, time is lawless andunforgiving and seemingly
without anyone qualified orprepared to listen and help.
Imagine being vulnerable,scared, forever afraid of what
may happen next.
What lies beyond the other sideof your closed door is a world
looking to prod, aggravate,intimidate and terrorise.
(02:16):
Just because they can.
It's adapt or die, because thereis no place to hide.
Here in HMP, I observe andexperience and consider these
questions.
Is strong fighting or standingback and keeping the peace?
Is tough keeping quiet andshowing no emotion?
(02:37):
Or is it something harsh andmore distasteful?
Is it wrong or weak to weep andshed tears?
Is it inappropriate to cryinside or more appropriate to
show how you feel?
In here, individually andcollectively, they prey on one's
fragile emotions.
They interpret kindness andcaring as weakness.
(03:01):
What is strong?
In my world, it is doing theright thing, regardless of the
crowd or packed consensus.
Hard is the pain all loved onesmust endure, left to carry the
burdens that we cannot share.
HMP is a lonely place in acrowded space, and serenity, if
you are lucky, comes in the deadof night, and it's brief.
(03:24):
I try to find clarity in thesemoments.
Why do we fall over if it is notto learn how to pick ourselves
back up, to overcome the fear offalling and not be afraid of
getting hurt?
I believe it's where we grow themost.
It's not uncommon to hearjailhouse sneers from hyenas
when a man stumbles or falls.
(03:46):
For me, strength is steppingforward to help.
I found myself mumbling thelines to The Happy Warrior.
Who is he that every man in armswould wish to be?
What can I change that willimprove my life when all around
me only want to make it moredifficult and miserable?
(04:06):
What can I learn in the jungleof fucked up men?
What is it that HMP teaches usthat benefits our lives both now
and in the future?
What is strong?
Well, it is not violence andintimidation but rising above
the adversity and showing loveand compassion in a soulless,
lawless asylum.
(04:28):
I ask for nothing more than isgiven to the rest of the men.
I take nothing more than I earnor have worked for, and I
contribute more than I take.
Ironically, in a place such asthis, it confuses some men
whilst threatens others.
It can be misread,misinterpreted and
misunderstood, and theconsequences can be harsh.
(04:51):
even when a man is only beingthoughtful or caring to another.
A smile can be interpreted as asneer, and an act of compassion
can be seen as an insult toanother inmate.
What is hard?
Well, it is not being able toshare your thoughts and feelings
with another human being.
Because in here, no one can keepwhat is said private or
(05:15):
confidential.
You confide in a fellow inmateat your peril.
When a man is rich inside withlove, to a large extent he
requires little else.
And when he seeks nothing else,then the rest believe he has
something to hide.
Can you imagine what it must belike to live like this?
(05:36):
It's insane.
Under the constant threat ofattack just because you show a
hint of being happy or gettingon with it.
Happiness in an inmate goes downlike a lead balloon amongst both
the officers and the lads.
Wisdom, for me, is being less ofeverything.
Less popular, not standing out,not trying too hard because it
(05:59):
shows up those who are doing theleast.
I walk through the wing, orshould I say, scurry like I'm a
gutter rat undercover fromabove, running from the gauntlet
of piercing eyes following everystep I take.
I hold on to love.
It transcends everything.
It never fails.
It never falters.
(06:21):
There are times when a person istested or challenged beyond what
they believe to be their limits.
But with love, none of itmatters, because we are never
alone.
Freedom can be found in HMPwithin a small, confined cell,
deprived of everything andeveryone that is precious to
you, because love is in yourheart.
(06:45):
Why do I write these words?
Because that's how I feel, eventhough I'm separated from the
people I love and care for themost.
When sadness visits me, my tearsare not pitiful but joyful.
Because I know that I am lovedand I do love.
(07:06):
Speaking of love, HMRC may lovecollecting taxes, but the
taxpayer will feel like they'vebeen cheated on if they saw how
£40, 000 per head was beingsquandered.
What a complete waste oftaxpayers' hard earned money.
I wonder, what is the true costof crime and prison?
(07:28):
What about the legal aid billsthat often run into hundreds of
thousands, if not millions, pertrial?
You have to ask yourself, who isbenefiting from the gravy train?
Because it isn't victims,families, or loved ones who
innocently find themselvesstruggling as a result of the
fallout.
None of it makes any sense.
(07:50):
And yet some very intelligentpeople who rule and run these
systems and processes, it wouldappear, have it so badly wrong.
Why drain the resources andcreate more problems and issues
for families?
Especially when punishment couldbe administered by way of a
contribution rather than a cost?
(08:12):
The mind boggles.
We are held like animals livingin squalor, and yet each of us
seemingly costs the equivalentof a year in the Ritz.
Long before life took adiversion to here, I decided not
to be angry, bitter, orresentful, regardless of the
outcome.
(08:32):
In moments that I might slipinto feeling sorry for myself, I
think of how my loved ones mustbe suffering and struggling.
It stops me parking myself inthe victim pit.
Nothing is straightforward.
Nothing is simple.
And common sense or fairnessdoes not apply.
A toxic energy fills everysquare foot of prison and feeds
(08:53):
one type of inmate as itsuffocates another.
There is no moral compass toguide a person.
When men do not have respect forthemselves, then there is little
or no chance of them respectingeach other.
It is impossible for prisonersto do anything constructive in
here when constantly caged,abused, and treated like vermin.
(09:18):
The only alternative orstimulation is to vegetate on
poor TV or drugs.
I do neither.
My solace is writing.
I try to think good thoughts andfeel good feelings and remind
myself regularly I love and thatI am loved.
This is what keeps me fromsinking into the black abyss.
(09:42):
It is day five of the jury beingout on the Manchester murder
trial.
As each day passes without averdict, the tension builds.
I can't imagine what it must belike in the cells below the
court waiting day after day.
What thoughts pass through aperson's mind while twelve
(10:04):
people contemplate, discuss,vote and decide your fate?
Last night, I washed and ironedtheir shirts.
I collected them when theyreturned from court and we
chatted about the day and thewaiting.
Today, I imagine the clock ticksslowly, taunting like a
(10:24):
hangman's noose waiting for anoccupant.
I remember during my own trial,hating the sound of the tannoy
constantly calling people toreturn to court.
That sound cuts through thebuilding and laser focuses your
attention.
You are torn between wanting theverdict, but the right one, so
(10:45):
that the unbearable stress canbe over, mixed with the fear of
terrible news arrivingimminently.
Which, if the truth be known,you never want to hear.
Nobody wants to hear the wrongresult.
When you are caught up in amurder trial, the stakes are
(11:05):
significantly greater and theconsequence is much worse.
No matter how young you may be,20 plus years is a chunk out of
your life that will breakhearts, relationships, and one's
self will to live.
We all wait in anticipation tohear the result.
But the reality is, if they arefound not guilty, we will never
(11:30):
see them again.
They will be released and freeto return to their life in the
outside world.
Hopefully, wiser for theexperience.
It's surreal to think how in onerespect we've become strangely
close.
Lives entwined in prison.
Yet, at any moment they could befound not guilty and immediately
(11:52):
released, and I will never seeor hear from any of them.
It's strange.
I would be weirdly pleased, butworse.
A young man has been murdered,and as a result, a not guilty
for his family will probablyleave them feeling devastated
and failed.
(12:12):
I suppose what I'm really tryingto say is that I have compassion
for both sides.
And I'm not sure many peopleface these life evaluations.
I can't help thinking, if theydo return with a damning result,
some, if not all, may end up onsuicide watch.
(12:34):
In the last month alone.
I've witnessed eye wateringsentences decapitate any hope of
a future in one go.
It's nuts, but I've chattedprivately and intimately to most
of them from trial to verdict.
If I've learnt anything in hereduring this experience, then
(12:55):
it's this.
Hatred seemingly has no limits.
And love is a Lone Ranger, notwelcome in this town.
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 12.
(00:24):
The jury is out.
At some point in their life, aperson may find themselves
asking or contemplating what istough?
(00:45):
What is hard?
What is strong?
I suppose context andcircumstances play a part.
One must take into considerationwhat place or moment provokes a
person to be thinking suchquestions.
Either with a little wisdom, oralot of experience, I've come to
believe it means differentthings to different people at
(01:08):
different times.
Whatever each of us is searchingfor in life, there is no
guarantee one's own lifetimewill provide the answers.
Events change the course ortrajectory of life, often
without notice.
Imagine having your world turnedupside down, your routines
changed dramatically, yourpersonal circumstances out of
(01:31):
your control and your feelingsand emotions tested beyond their
limits.
How you think you will cope maydiffer widely to the reality of
how you do cope.
Who or what do you become as aresult?
How would you react or respondwhen your freedom and choices
are removed and your life iscatapulted into a powder keg of
(01:53):
mayhem?
Here, time is lawless andunforgiving and seemingly
without anyone qualified orprepared to listen and help.
Imagine being vulnerable,scared, forever afraid of what
may happen next.
What lies beyond the other sideof your closed door is a world
looking to prod, aggravate,intimidate and terrorise.
(02:16):
Just because they can.
It's adapt or die, because thereis no place to hide.
Here in HMP, I observe andexperience and consider these
questions.
Is strong fighting or standingback and keeping the peace?
Is tough keeping quiet andshowing no emotion?
(02:37):
Or is it something harsh andmore distasteful?
Is it wrong or weak to weep andshed tears?
Is it inappropriate to cryinside or more appropriate to
show how you feel?
In here, individually andcollectively, they prey on one's
fragile emotions.
They interpret kindness andcaring as weakness.
(03:01):
What is strong?
In my world, it is doing theright thing, regardless of the
crowd or packed consensus.
Hard is the pain all loved onesmust endure, left to carry the
burdens that we cannot share.
HMP is a lonely place in acrowded space, and serenity, if
you are lucky, comes in the deadof night, and it's brief.
(03:24):
I try to find clarity in thesemoments.
Why do we fall over if it is notto learn how to pick ourselves
back up, to overcome the fear offalling and not be afraid of
getting hurt?
I believe it's where we grow themost.
It's not uncommon to hearjailhouse sneers from hyenas
when a man stumbles or falls.
(03:46):
For me, strength is steppingforward to help.
I found myself mumbling thelines to The Happy Warrior.
Who is he that every man in armswould wish to be?
What can I change that willimprove my life when all around
me only want to make it moredifficult and miserable?
(04:06):
What can I learn in the jungleof fucked up men?
What is it that HMP teaches usthat benefits our lives both now
and in the future?
What is strong?
Well, it is not violence andintimidation but rising above
the adversity and showing loveand compassion in a soulless,
lawless asylum.
(04:28):
I ask for nothing more than isgiven to the rest of the men.
I take nothing more than I earnor have worked for, and I
contribute more than I take.
Ironically, in a place such asthis, it confuses some men
whilst threatens others.
It can be misread,misinterpreted and
misunderstood, and theconsequences can be harsh.
(04:51):
even when a man is only beingthoughtful or caring to another.
A smile can be interpreted as asneer, and an act of compassion
can be seen as an insult toanother inmate.
What is hard?
Well, it is not being able toshare your thoughts and feelings
with another human being.
Because in here, no one can keepwhat is said private or
(05:15):
confidential.
You confide in a fellow inmateat your peril.
When a man is rich inside withlove, to a large extent he
requires little else.
And when he seeks nothing else,then the rest believe he has
something to hide.
Can you imagine what it must belike to live like this?
(05:36):
It's insane.
Under the constant threat ofattack just because you show a
hint of being happy or gettingon with it.
Happiness in an inmate goes downlike a lead balloon amongst both
the officers and the lads.
Wisdom, for me, is being less ofeverything.
Less popular, not standing out,not trying too hard because it
(05:59):
shows up those who are doing theleast.
I walk through the wing, orshould I say, scurry like I'm a
gutter rat undercover fromabove, running from the gauntlet
of piercing eyes following everystep I take.
I hold on to love.
It transcends everything.
It never fails.
It never falters.
(06:21):
There are times when a person istested or challenged beyond what
they believe to be their limits.
But with love, none of itmatters, because we are never
alone.
Freedom can be found in HMPwithin a small, confined cell,
deprived of everything andeveryone that is precious to
you, because love is in yourheart.
(06:45):
Why do I write these words?
Because that's how I feel, eventhough I'm separated from the
people I love and care for themost.
When sadness visits me, my tearsare not pitiful but joyful.
Because I know that I am lovedand I do love.
(07:06):
Speaking of love, HMRC may lovecollecting taxes, but the
taxpayer will feel like they'vebeen cheated on if they saw how
£40, 000 per head was beingsquandered.
What a complete waste oftaxpayers' hard earned money.
I wonder, what is the true costof crime and prison?
(07:28):
What about the legal aid billsthat often run into hundreds of
thousands, if not millions, pertrial?
You have to ask yourself, who isbenefiting from the gravy train?
Because it isn't victims,families, or loved ones who
innocently find themselvesstruggling as a result of the
fallout.
None of it makes any sense.
(07:50):
And yet some very intelligentpeople who rule and run these
systems and processes, it wouldappear, have it so badly wrong.
Why drain the resources andcreate more problems and issues
for families?
Especially when punishment couldbe administered by way of a
contribution rather than a cost?
(08:12):
The mind boggles.
We are held like animals livingin squalor, and yet each of us
seemingly costs the equivalentof a year in the Ritz.
Long before life took adiversion to here, I decided not
to be angry, bitter, orresentful, regardless of the
outcome.
(08:32):
In moments that I might slipinto feeling sorry for myself, I
think of how my loved ones mustbe suffering and struggling.
It stops me parking myself inthe victim pit.
Nothing is straightforward.
Nothing is simple.
And common sense or fairnessdoes not apply.
A toxic energy fills everysquare foot of prison and feeds
(08:53):
one type of inmate as itsuffocates another.
There is no moral compass toguide a person.
When men do not have respect forthemselves, then there is little
or no chance of them respectingeach other.
It is impossible for prisonersto do anything constructive in
here when constantly caged,abused, and treated like vermin.
(09:18):
The only alternative orstimulation is to vegetate on
poor TV or drugs.
I do neither.
My solace is writing.
I try to think good thoughts andfeel good feelings and remind
myself regularly I love and thatI am loved.
This is what keeps me fromsinking into the black abyss.
(09:42):
It is day five of the jury beingout on the Manchester murder
trial.
As each day passes without averdict, the tension builds.
I can't imagine what it must belike in the cells below the
court waiting day after day.
What thoughts pass through aperson's mind while twelve
(10:04):
people contemplate, discuss,vote and decide your fate?
Last night, I washed and ironedtheir shirts.
I collected them when theyreturned from court and we
chatted about the day and thewaiting.
Today, I imagine the clock ticksslowly, taunting like a
(10:24):
hangman's noose waiting for anoccupant.
I remember during my own trial,hating the sound of the tannoy
constantly calling people toreturn to court.
That sound cuts through thebuilding and laser focuses your
attention.
You are torn between wanting theverdict, but the right one, so
(10:45):
that the unbearable stress canbe over, mixed with the fear of
terrible news arrivingimminently.
Which, if the truth be known,you never want to hear.
Nobody wants to hear the wrongresult.
When you are caught up in amurder trial, the stakes are
(11:05):
significantly greater and theconsequence is much worse.
No matter how young you may be,20 plus years is a chunk out of
your life that will breakhearts, relationships, and one's
self will to live.
We all wait in anticipation tohear the result.
But the reality is, if they arefound not guilty, we will never
(11:30):
see them again.
They will be released and freeto return to their life in the
outside world.
Hopefully, wiser for theexperience.
It's surreal to think how in onerespect we've become strangely
close.
Lives entwined in prison.
Yet, at any moment they could befound not guilty and immediately
(11:52):
released, and I will never seeor hear from any of them.
It's strange.
I would be weirdly pleased, butworse.
A young man has been murdered,and as a result, a not guilty
for his family will probablyleave them feeling devastated
and failed.
(12:12):
I suppose what I'm really tryingto say is that I have compassion
for both sides.
And I'm not sure many peopleface these life evaluations.
I can't help thinking, if theydo return with a damning result,
some, if not all, may end up onsuicide watch.
(12:34):
In the last month alone.
I've witnessed eye wateringsentences decapitate any hope of
a future in one go.
It's nuts, but I've chattedprivately and intimately to most
of them from trial to verdict.
If I've learnt anything in hereduring this experience, then
(12:55):
it's this.
Hatred seemingly has no limits.
And love is a Lone Ranger, notwelcome in this town.
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