Episode 19 - Violence Is A Badge Of Honour

No one in their right mind would want to stay here longer than one night in this cockroach infested sewer.

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@talesfromthejailspodcast

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 19 Violence Is A BadgeOf Honour.

(00:42):
It is four months since Idescended the stairs from the
court and subsequently, my lastday of freedom.
Hours later, I arrived here inthe back of a G4S meat wagon.
Time cannot pass any quickerthan each second, each minute,
consistent as the last.
And yet I've come to understandthat time can appear to pass

(01:05):
more quickly, more slowly,depending on circumstances.
T said this morning during thelove call that I haven't
complained once.
It sounds flattering, but I findit hard to believe.
Maybe love is blind.

(01:26):
She said I should write asurvival guide to prison.
I couldn't help suggesting itmight be a good idea to make it
through to the other end first,as we're only at the pocket
sized version presently.
The words I'm repeating the mostto myself are patience and
tolerance, rise above it, betrue to yourself, and maybe it

(01:48):
isn't going really wrong, butgoing really right.
And don't rant, but write.
I try to find peace and serenityamongst the madness and chaos.
Referring to Kipling, I try tokeep my head while all those
around me are losing theirs.
I practice humility, or should Isay, I experience it.

(02:11):
A spark here ignites into araging inferno such is the
combustible tension.
One has to wise up quickly tothe notion of expect the
unexpected.
And there are no guarantees.
Such as the bed that you wake upin will be the one that you
later sleep in.
There are no rules or boundariesbetween inmates.
It's lawless and out of control.

(02:34):
It feels near impossible totrust anyone.
I wonder if this is really true,or is it as a result of the
traumatic experience I'veendured?
In prison, one has to considercarefully almost every word one
says.
Every action has the potentialto create an unexpected
reaction, minute by minute.

(02:57):
The atmosphere is intense andhere between the walls, the
place is wired on a frequencythat society is not in tune
with.
Somehow, by becoming a numberinstead of a person, a father or
a son, a partner to a loved one,we become faceless and
meaningless to the system andsociety.

(03:21):
What does a person do whenviolence is a badge of honour?
Somehow, I'm managing tonavigate the treachery, egos and
intimidation.
Toenails was high on jail talkat the table tonight.
Classic corner of his mouthprison stereotype.
Informing the lads about Waltonquoted as Europe's toughest

(03:43):
prison, or one of them.
I smiled at the irony as Idowned my curry and fruit rice.
I could have left after threeweeks, and if the truth be
known, I can leave at any timeto a Cat C prison if I put my
request in.
But if you wish to test yourcharacter, then I believe only
tough over a long period of timeto be a true measure.

(04:05):
However, I retain one caveat.
Surviving in a notorious prisonis one thing, but making it
through to the other side, notbitter, angry, or resentful, or
worse, deeply affected by thetrauma, is another thing
altogether.
Last week, there were 17incidents in one day.
It was a Thursday.

(04:25):
Officers say that they are asvulnerable as the inmates, and
their morale is at an all timelow.
A young female officer.
She's twenty one.
Well.
It's noticeable how immune shehas become to the reality of
this wretched place.
A young woman, the same age asmy daughter, who already

(04:46):
displays the signs of crossingto the dark side.
I wonder, what does a youngwoman see in a place like this,
and for not much more thantwenty thousand pounds a year?
The mind boggles.
Does she enjoy the power?
Does she enjoy the attention,especially the worst of what men

(05:07):
shout in her direction, and ofwhich I am not repeating, such
is the graphic baseness.
It's hard to make sense what shesees as a career or purposeful
employment.
For certain, her parents wouldbe shocked and terrified for her
safety if they saw five minutesof what I experience and
observe.

(05:31):
It may sound cliched, but itdoes feel like the walls have
ears and the bars have eyes, andloose lips certainly carry
severe consequences.
It's easy to see how lads arefilled with paranoia.
The easiest option is not beingcaught up in toxic chats, and
think twice before you answer,what do you think?

(05:54):
I try to keep myself busy.
It's the easiest way to avoidbeing drawn into the relentless
prison talk, consisting ofcrime, trials, sentences,
bullshit, and bullying of onekind or another.
No one In their right mind wouldwant to stay here longer than
one night in this cockroachinfested sewer.

(06:16):
I'm lucky.
For a terrible situation in ahorrendous place, I have a good
job that to a large extentprotects me and affords me the
perks that I value andappreciate, and of which I never
take for granted.
The food isn't great, but it'sfar better than the wings.
Officers have it better too.

(06:37):
They're not on the wingsanymore.
Although reception, theprocessing hub of prison,
carries an air of cushiness ingeneral, it is still a
combustible space that can haveserious incidents of its own.
It can go off in the holdingroom at least a couple of times
per week.
Lads come back from trials orhave just been sentenced, and

(06:59):
they land here like a tornado,anger and violence exploding in
every direction.
Ship outs, they're alwaystrouble, lads who are being
shipped out are often surprisedwithout any notice.
That's happening almost daily atthe moment.
Lads, if they're not violentwith each other, tend to direct

(07:21):
their anger and rage in thetoilet's direction.
Either smashing them up orpulling them off the wall, to
leaving their businesseverywhere as a final protest.
Ironically, it is us fellowinmates, reception workers, that
have to clean it all.
But they don't give a fuck.

(07:42):
I'm lucky because I have T.
For without her, this reallywould be tough.
The love calls, the letters thatwe write continually to each
other.
The single visit per week that Iearn as a result of work.
Otherwise, that would only betwo a month, and only for an

(08:03):
hour.
Life in most parts of the prisonis far grimmer than my
situation.
T not only loves me, but shebelieves in me, and that's what
drives me on, and prevents mefrom lapsing into feeling lost
or worthless.
If one has no meaning or purposein their lives, then one is left
with only the disease ofdissatisfaction.

(08:29):
I miss my daughter as much as Imiss T.
I'm not in her life, and she'snot in mine.
It's the final term ofuniversity, and that's down in
London.
A world away from here.
She's making a new life forherself, and I'm thrilled.
She's been away from theterrible headlines the media

(08:50):
have been printing andbroadcasting.
She's had to deal with a lot,and yet kept her composure and
maintained her results.
It makes me think of all thefamilies and loved ones, how
their lives are impactedneedlessly and unnecessarily.
If there are 84, 000 prisonersin the UK, then imagine the

(09:12):
pain, heartache, struggle, andsense of loss families and loved
ones are feeling.
The numbers become quitestaggering very quickly.
Imagine.
How many more families and lovedones are victims?
Especially murder, or lifechanging attacks and rape, or

(09:33):
child abuse?
And all the devastation andfallout that consumes and
overwhelms their lives as aresult.
In the end, it's horrible tocontemplate that loved ones
connected to any of us suffer inways that are as difficult, if
not worse, than any of us insidehere.

(09:56):
It's a mess of some magnitude,to which there are few happy
outcomes.
Sadly, we only often truly valueand appreciate anyone or
anything when it is gone.
Tensions exist everywhere inprison.

(10:16):
It's unavoidable.
I try to remain impartial andstay in my own lane as often as
I can for as long as I can.
Outside, T is by herself,working harder than anyone I
know just to survive, drowningin debt and the fallout from the
past five years.
How can I possibly take anyoneelse seriously, when I have a

(10:39):
woman in my life such as her?
When someone believes in you, ithelps you to believe in
yourself.
No matter how hard, bad or toughthe situation.