Episode 21 - Murder, Masturbation + Mayhem

There are two topics that carry their own stigma, both beginning with M. One is murder, criminal in the extreme, socially and legally unacceptable. The other is masturbation, and carries its own uncomfortable unease, but perfectly normal, and a human condition of the unspoken kind in the real world. Whilst in here, it is a creepy, seedy, unpalatable act that seems to be completely acceptable.

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 21 Murder, MasturbationMayhem.

(00:40):
We awoke this morning at 6.
20 to the news that the UK hadvoted for Brexit, 52 to 48%, and
we'll exit the EU.
Farage had already made fourstatements, according to
Dimbleby.
By 8.
20, Cameron had resigned, andpolitics, the markets, and the

(01:00):
remainers were in turmoil.
The political establishment isrocked to the core.
What the future holds does notquite matter to my padmate and
I.
How can Brexit make things anyworse here in Walton?
It's all a pantomime.

(01:21):
Out there and in here.
K has become a bit of a pricklately.
Ranging from mouthiness with Jayto running around in frillies
supplied by Toenails.
Seriously.
They were dug out of bannedproperty.
Apparently, there's quite acollection built up over the

(01:43):
years.
For as much as it was done inthe name of entertainment, to me
it seemed weird and unsettling.
K is sadly being manipulated,and would not admit he's being
intimidated.
And antics like this do him nofavours.
Even worse, his behaviour andattitude is stretched to

(02:04):
believing his own hype.
Instead of seeing it how itreally is, he's drifted to the
realms of delusion and stoppedlistening to common sense.
I've been in his corner andbacked him since the day he
arrived, but he's becoming aloose cannon, and I'm keeping my
distance.

(02:25):
My instincts sense his days arenumbered, although he thinks
he's flying and foolingeveryone, including Toenails and
officers.
K is like a puppy with his tailwagging, compared to Toenails.
It was pure jail.
We're back from work, behind thedoor and I'm sat on top bunk

(02:48):
decompressing from the day'sevents.
The wing has been quiet for thelast couple of weeks and
terrorizing through the doorseems to be a thing of the past.
Albeit, a regular thing in thefirst couple of months.
Hallelujah.
I have a new mattress, courtesyof reception.

(03:09):
The difference working there isthe ability to get some things
done, especially the longer I'mhere.
However, the mattress feels likea slab of concrete, although
it's made of sponge, and theblue plastic cover makes you
realize you're in a terribleplace.
Like an asylum in despair.

(03:31):
One of our neighbours andanother inmate up on the Fours,
who's off his head, are verballyabusing each other.
It's all a bit juvenile.
The sort of, your mother this...
your mother that...
it's horrible.
However, in the middle of theverbal diarrhoea, the one up
above dropped the line, I'm ashooter on the outside, kid.

(03:57):
Before he could finish the line,I remarked to my padmate, OMG,
this will take off.
And it did.
The asylum collided with thezoo, and most of the wings
sneered, jeered, and terrorizedhim for at least the next hour
or two.
The'N' word was used.

(04:18):
Lots of sex with your fuckingmother, and, you're getting it.
Just a small sample of the chaosbeyond the door.
Heavyweight threats are flungaround the prison like it's
catch the parcel.
There is a new kid on the wingand whoever he is, he's stirring
up chaos and knows how to fuelit.

(04:42):
To add to the evening's madness,there is a waft of green under
the door.
It was a beautiful aroma thatreminded me of the Scouse
hippies outside.
Magical memories that Itreasure, and a reminder of how
lucky I've been in life, havingshared in so much fun.

(05:03):
Synaesthesia, I think is theword I'm looking for.
It's a message to the brain.
Smelling one thing but beingreminded of another.
A bit like smelling lavender andthinking of granny.
It's impossible to followanything on the TV.
It's the size of a computermonitor with the sound at best

(05:25):
like a dodgy VHS video from the80s.
Luxury is using the toiletwithout someone else watching.
Anyway, the wing took off in afrenzy and my padmate listened
intently with his face and earglued to the door like it was a
fridge magnet.

(05:45):
It was the first time since hearrived ten weeks ago that he'd
witnessed the asylum as chaoticas this.
The place is full of ironies,paradoxes, polarisation, moments
of humour wrapped in barbedwire, and times when you are at
the brink of despair, when theplace suffocates you with its

(06:05):
overpowering selfishness.
I've been thinking about mydaughter a lot, especially since
her visit.
I'd been looking forward to itfor weeks.
She travelled all the way up andcame with T.
I have no doubt of her love forme.

(06:26):
But sometimes it's not what aperson says, but how they say
it.
And as such, in my letter toher, I've chosen my words
carefully.
But I am hurting.
I spoke to T earlier.
She said this is my peacefulperiod, and I'm remarkably calm

(06:50):
considering the dire situation,i.e.
none of us are safe in here atany time.
I suppose that comes with age.
The last thing I want is tryingto be cool, all sorted, or a big
voice, because that will onlyend in tears.
Also, how can you write a bookabout life and love if all you

(07:12):
do is end up fighting andfalling out?
Slow days ironically have turnedinto months.
Finally, I've been granted legalaid and appointed a barrister
from London.
This is the shortlived goodnews.
However, the less good news isthat the chamber's contract has
been revoked by the Legal Aidcontract woman.

(07:35):
She's called Haley.
This was a week ago.
Now I wait patiently once again.
The chambers, to be fair, havewritten a two page document
outlining the reasons why thecontract should not be revoked.
According to Jeremy, they'rebeing firm.

(07:56):
There are regulations and nolegitimate reasons to put the
brakes on my Legal Aid, otherthan it's a high value case and
they wish to put a furtherspanner in the works.
I try my best to remaincomposed.
I'm professional to all parties,mainly Jeremy.
I've learned people in a crisisdon't need parties losing their

(08:18):
faith.
T is a tower of strength.
Always has been since the day westarted dating, nine and a half
years ago.
Somehow it feels like we'restill in the honeymoon period.
Not many couples can say that,especially under the extreme
circumstances.

(08:41):
She believes in me, and thatfills me with strength.
The chance of falling out withanother inmate exists in almost
every breath you take, everystep you take, and lying on your
bunk can still turn into anescalation with your pad mate.
It exists in every casual lookat another person, and can

(09:04):
easily be misconstrued to awrong word that is
misinterpreted and magnified outof all proportion.
Everyone is trying to provethemselves, otherwise they
become a victim.
Most lads are trying to bullyand intimidate someone else so
that they're not bullied.

(09:24):
The violence is brutal, and veryfew seem to give a fuck.
It's only when you experiencethis headfuck of a place that
you realize it's impossible toimagine it without the
experience.
There are two topics that carrytheir own stigma, both beginning

(09:46):
with M.
One is murder, criminal in theextreme, socially and legally
unacceptable.
The other is masturbation, andcarries its own uncomfortable
unease, but perfectly normal,and a human condition of the
unspoken kind in the real world.
Whilst in here, it is a creepy,seedy, unpalatable act that

(10:12):
seems to be completelyacceptable.
In a male dominated environmentall sense of morality, respect
or responsibility goes out ofthe window.
One of the lads pulled a sickiethis afternoon.
Said he was vomiting after lunchto Mr.
C, who took him back up to hiscell as a precaution.

(10:35):
However, it was just to get backand let off a couple of cannons,
as he likes to put it, withouthis padmate around.
Last week he didn't return froma legal visit.
He preferred to swerve work andreturn to the pad.
That was another session.
The lads talk about it like it'sfootball banter.

(10:57):
One of the guys is shacked upwith a bloke in his 60s.
He was apparently tugging awayin bottom bunk like he's
strangling a ferret most nights.
Top bunk has enquired about amove.
I'll be honest, I find thetoilet situation traumatizing
enough, but thankfully, so far,I haven't had a padmate who

(11:20):
thrills and obsesses in wankinglike it's a badge of honour or
rite of passage.
Life, and people sink to a depthbelow that of baseness without
the social fabric and frameworkthat keeps us human.
There is a depravity in prisonthat breeds like an infestation.

(11:42):
It highlights for me thestabilizing force women play in
men's lives, preventing themfrom sinking into a medieval
mindset.
Without a mother, without apartner, without family in your
life, then I'm afraid men sinkquickly.
I often wonder why a personwould become a prison officer,

(12:06):
but more intriguingly, why woulda woman take this thankless job?
Fear feeds this place.
Fear of other prisoners.
Fear of not being popular.
Not part of the pack or group.
Fear that you may be discoveredfeeling afraid.

(12:27):
Fear that you may be targeted atany moment or the butt of a joke
that's meant to humiliate you.
A person can feel powerless mostof the time and how you respond
determines everything.
Fear and anxiety rule a person'slife outside, but in here, they
terrorize a man to the point oflosing who he is.

(12:51):
A person doesn't discover theiridentity here.
They lose it.
I speak and chat to murdererslike I'm amongst a crowd of
friends.
Ironically, they are normallythe friendliest and most stable.
Everything is a drama.

(13:13):
Men trying to prove themselves,trying not to lose face.
There is an easier acceptance ifyou are here for violence, drugs
or extortion.
I fear that if one crosses tothe dark side, one never makes
it back.
It is acceptable to say you aregoing to spend time playing with

(13:35):
yourself, but it is notacceptable to say who is
bullying you, who attacked you,or who scarred you for life.
Fear and loathing in Walton.
Why does no one care?
Fear consumes the place.

(13:56):
And nothing and no one issacred.
A normal day in an abnormalplace.
I thought I was in for my bestnight's sleep since landing here
with my new mattress.
However, I've slept on softerfloors.