Episode 23 - Paradise On Top Bunk

None of us can guarantee we'll make it to the next morning. It's like Russian roulette. In one breath, one is pleased to wake up alive and unscathed, and on the other, there is only another day ahead of running the gauntlet, surrounded by prisoners who will be happy just to fill you in for entertainment.

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.

(00:23):
Episode 23 Paradise on Top Bunk.
Maybe you have never foundyourself so close and yet so far
simultaneously.
Only a few feet away is theoutside world and freedom.
Where my old life has lived morethan what will become of my new.

(00:49):
It is a beautiful late springevening.
The air is fresh and the breezelight and the sun is setting.
From top bunk I can see througha slice of a smashed window,
fragments of life, onlyovershadowed by the high wall
and barbed wire silhouettedagainst the sunset.
Within these walls I'm aprisoner and beyond is a place

(01:14):
that my imagination, my dreamsand my love drift.
If I lean over and put my handthrough the broken window and
close my eyes, I can imaginebeing anywhere, as the sweet air
tickles my fingers.
I'm over 50 years of age now,with more than a few wisps of

(01:36):
grey hair growing since I landedhere.
It's possible my glory days arewell behind me.
My youthful complexion issomething captured in old
photos, than the man in the sixinch mirror I stare at each
morning.
The sands of time seem to passmore quickly sat in a prison

(01:56):
cell, even though each day feelslike Groundhog Day.
Prison is stealing my limiteddays and years ahead.
The time thief is a relentlessdementor who knows there is only
one outcome.
And one winner.

(02:18):
Maybe on days like this, itfeels a little halcyon, full of
magical memories and joys onenever believes will end.
A man's mind can wander betweenwishing and dreaming of a world
beyond the cell, to the depthsof doubt in chasing shadows in
dark corners of one's soul.

(02:39):
Should I give up?
Or just keep chasing rainbows?
Do I press the pause button?
The world I once knew, the one Ilived and breathed with an
insatiable passion, has changed.

(02:59):
My place in it has changed too.
My only taste of freedom now ismy hand stuck out of the window
and feeling fresh air.
However, what if the wreckage ofmy past is now the asset of my
future?

(03:20):
What if my life is not hurtlingtowards the black star, but
being drawn to the bright?
An old friend would often say,only in the dark, can we see the
light.
Maybe my life, with its deep pitof ironies, has brought me to
this place for a reason.

(03:42):
It may be surprising to hear,but when I lost everything in my
life, I didn't lose all of me.
In a strange type of way, Ifound me, and what a profound
experience it turned out to be.
A man can be afraid of what thefuture holds.

(04:04):
A man can become consumed withthe thought his best days are
behind him.
A man can be blinded bydistorted ambition and wishful
thinking on bad ideas.
I'm not of the mind of chasinglost dreams or trying to
recapture the glory days of old.
I've learned over the pasthandful of years that it can

(04:27):
always get worse.
And whatever the future holds,it has two beginnings.
The first is now.
Everything I do contributes tolife beyond the gate.
What I do now lays thefoundations for the future.
And secondly, the otherbeginning starts when I win the

(04:48):
appeal, clear my name and amreleased from prison having made
it through to the other side asunscathed as possible.
The harsh reality is, how farcan one plan ahead trapped in
the Arkham Asylum?
None of us can guarantee we'llmake it through to the next

(05:08):
morning.
It's like Russian roulette.
In one breath, one is pleased towake up alive and unscathed, and
on the other, there is onlyanother day ahead of running the
gauntlet, surrounded byprisoners, who will be happy
just to fill you in forentertainment.

(05:31):
The breeze on my hand pushes upmy arm and over the back of my
neck.
Is it possible not to feel likean abused, caged animal?
When one swims against thecurrent, at some point, one is
going to feel tired.
The relentless pressure pushingagainst you, desperate to

(05:53):
consume you.
How long can a person survivebefore their spirit gives up?
Or worse, they give up anddrown.
I believe that remaining true tomyself is the key to surviving.
I did not come this far for itto have no meaningful purpose,

(06:16):
regardless of how determined theauthorities and some of the
people in here are determined tocrush me.
I reframe that as fearmanifesting itself in ugly ways.
Ironically and thankfully, noone has ever dropped an ill or
bad word about T, or mydaughter, to antagonize me or

(06:39):
wind me up.
I have no idea why, but I amgrateful.
I fear my response would resultin longer time or death.
Authenticity may be unpopular inhere, but it will serve a man
better than trying to besomething he isn't.

(07:02):
Lads, who have my best interestsin mind, suggested I fight back,
or worse, join in at times.
Neither is an option, so far,and I keep the faith.
I've been here five months.
Nowadays as I walk through thewings, I recognize more faces

(07:23):
and they show their appreciationat my friendliness.
As the months have progressed,between the gym, the lads on my
wing, and now the Listenerscourse, there is always someone
who wants to stop and chat tome.
Gone are the days when Iscurried under the landing like
a gutter rat, avoiding eyecontact with the piercing eyes

(07:44):
of curiosity and hatred.
Earlier, Reeve, my padmate, hada go at K, and it all escalated
to intense.
K had stoked the fire, and onceagain did himself no favours,
but Reeve's response was more arelease of wrath.

(08:06):
Later, when we were playingcards, just the two of us, I
made light of his mood, and thathis head and emotions were
elsewhere and things build up.
K was just the wrong person inthe wrong place at the wrong
time saying the wrong thing.
I told him in moments like this,you have to look in the mirror

(08:28):
of truth.
If it was me, I'd reflect onwhat has happened and why.
To my surprise, an hour later,he'd apologized to K.
When he told me, I shook hishand and said I was proud.
And it takes a bigger man.

(08:48):
Big Reeve is adjusting to prisonlife and the regime by which we
work, live and cohabitate.
It takes time and none of it iseasy, especially if you have a
partner and children strugglingon the outside as a consequence
of us inside.

(09:08):
From top bunk I can hear clearlypolice sirens chasing someone
beyond the wall and it broke thesilence and peace in our cell.
Reeve, on bottom bunk, twice thesize of his bed, moves the cell
when he rolls over.
However, he was up on his feetand facing me.

(09:31):
Whatever he was thinking hadturned into asking questions.
He was curious about what Ibelieve in.
It took me by surprise and saysa lot of the other person by the
choice of questions they ask.
I responded by giving him a listof things I don't believe in,
such as heaven and hell, gods orgoddesses.

(09:55):
I told him I don't pray,especially for things to get
better.
That surprised him.
However, that does not mean thatI do not respect other people's
faiths or beliefs.
That's their choice.
My faith is within, based uponlife's lessons and experiences.

(10:16):
I've learned that the more youdo the right thing, then often
you are returned with the rightresult.
Reeve highlighted that obviouslythis was not the case of the
trial and the outcome, and sothat contradicts what I'm
saying.
That made me laugh.
Because I could quite clearlysee the reasoning.

(10:37):
But I explained, that if youhadn't have cut me off, I would
have continued with, maybe itisn't going really wrong, but
going really right.
None of this makes sense, but intime it will.
I truly believe that.

(10:58):
If we didn't have a power cut,then maybe there would not have
been so many questions.
But I wasn't shy about what Isaid.
He wasn't expecting me to say, Idon't believe in life after
death, although I acceptsomething happens.
Some form of phenomena as aresult.

(11:19):
In the end, or over a couple ofhours, I ended up saying a lot
of things.
Including we're in a constantstate of actions and reactions
and responses.
And that events in ourchildhood, big or small, can go
on to shape or mould the rest ofour lives.
Defining our choices anddecisions.

(11:44):
I saw it as a sign our bromancewas blossoming when Reeve told
me Toenails had pulled himearlier, when we were queuing up
to leave work.
We were stood around waiting forour pat down.
We receive them randomly, justto check we're not smuggling
stuff back up onto the wing.
Anyway, Toenails apparentlyasked him, was he going to do K

(12:11):
in?
Once again, confirming his slyand horrible nature.