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April 20, 2025 • 19 mins

Nothing prepared me for this day. I'm not angry, bitter or resentful, but it hurts. It seems so unfair...

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Episode 30 I'm Sorry I Can't BeThere It's the 18th of the
seventh, 2016, and I'm satreflecting, maybe it's

(00:22):
contemplating, what is a toughday in here?
This, my prison, my workplace,and my home 24/7.
All my physical life is spentbehind walls, bars, and steel
doors, although my mind ofteninhabits elsewhere.

(00:45):
Tomorrow my daughter isgraduating.
It will rank highly in myproudest moments of her life.
What an achievement under thecircumstances that hang over
her.
She was 15 the day they camethrough my office doors and the
awful headlines appeared.

(01:06):
I can't imagine how she musthave felt.
Without ever mentioning it, I'mcertain from that moment, shame
and stigma must have made anappearance.
She's mature, well-rounded witha sharp wit, and she's one of
the cool kids.
Intelligent and independent.

(01:29):
I'm lucky.
I've shared in the mostimportant moments of her life
until now.
I remind myself, a parent is forlife.
She and the rest of the familyare travelling to London today
for the big occasion.
Three years ago, none of uscould have foreseen this me in

(01:53):
here and her graduating withoutme there to join in the
celebrations.
Queen Mary and London have beenher home for the past three
years.
She is growing up quickly.
The trigger for my sudden swellof emotion a day earlier was the
phone call to her this morningto wish her all the best and say

(02:16):
how proud I am.
We laughed at first.
She's just worked at JP Morganfor a week as a work placement,
and on Saturday she was home inLiverpool working on Phil's
catering units, flippingburgers, and making coffees.

(02:36):
Ironically, it was parked rightoutside the Queen Elizabeth
courtrooms in Derby Square.
A dreadful backdrop and a placewhere I hold no good memories.
Worse is, I fear I will have toreturn.
She was in a taxi when I rang,on the way to the station, and

(02:59):
although she was cheery withHello Dad, moments after
laughing, she burst into tears.
It was 11.30.
I'd swerved the gym to make sureI could ring, but the only phone
we can use before 2:00 PM is thecommunal one, for the prisoners

(03:21):
to receive their two minute freecall.
Thankfully I could use my ownphone credit.
The phone and I were surroundedby officers and not a private
space.
Certainly the last place oneexpects to be, on the end of a
prison phone, when your daughteris upset and crying.

(03:44):
As tough as it felt, I kept abrave face and did my best to
make her laugh.
I said her Nan and Granddad, myparents, would be shuffling
behind her like ET and Long JohnSilver.
She laughed and I thought,nothing prepared me for this
day.
I'm not angry, bitter, orresentful, but it hurts.

(04:11):
It seems so unfair.
I told her Geoff is going tosuperimpose me onto the photos.
The next thing I remember sayingis, I'm sorry I can't be there,
and I love you with all of myheart.
Have a fabulous day.
You've achieved it all byyourself.

(04:36):
Her last words were, I love youDad.
As my family head south, I'm satwriting as I wait for a trip to
the stores.
In the background on the radio,Turkey and Nice are still the
headlines and it puts intoperspective, some things may

(04:57):
hurt, but they're not over or afatality.
No.
People are enduring far worsesituations and pain.
I welcome being reminded, it canalways be far worse.
I do fear she's growing upquickly and hope we did enough

(05:19):
in the first 21 years of herlife.
We've provided her with love,support, and encouragement since
the day she was born.
And now she's an independentthinker and an independent
woman.
Of course, I wish I was theresharing in the celebrations,

(05:40):
soaking up the atmosphere.
Time with the folks is now moreprecious than ever.
However sad I feel I'm acutelyaware of not slipping into a
doom pit.
Although I feel tenderemotionally, the truth is,
keeping busy will prevent mefrom becoming melancholy.

(06:04):
I've put Radio 2 on instead ofFuneral FM.
The music is more upbeat.
I decided to let the day unfoldand welcome all distractions.
The first being, the trip to thestores was cancelled.
Lads are arriving from courtearly and reception is short

(06:24):
staffed.
Trouble on the wings again.
One of the arrivals was really areturnee, Yorkie.
He's been on remand sinceFebruary because he's apparently
broken his licence conditions.
However, today a jury found himnot guilty of the crime he was

(06:45):
accused of and what originallybroke his licence conditions,
but he's been returned toWalton.
In the eyes of the law, he'sinnocent, and yet due to his
licence and probation, heremains in custody indefinitely.
My own fears are what lays aheadfor me, if I don't win the

(07:09):
appeal.
I'd be on licence for years,always treading on eggshells and
feeling as though I'm on the endof a very tight leash.
It will be interesting to seehow Yorkie's situation unfolds.
I managed to speak to JB, onlyfor a few brief minutes.

(07:30):
He's up tomorrow on a visit withone of my oldest and closest
friends, Freddy.
He'd spoken to Jeremy.
Well, the saga of the legal aidcontinues.
Once again, it's been rejected.
The good news is, Jeremy and thechambers are out of the blocks
and all over it.

(07:52):
Neither are happy at how this isbeing dealt with, and in their
words, it stinks.
I'll get the details in fulltomorrow.
There is only so much that canbe said over a prison phone.
You have to accept in here everycall is recorded and potentially
listened to, depending who youare, and what they suspect to be

(08:15):
a cause for concern.
I'm looking forward to seeing mypals tomorrow.
I'm sure they'll be thrilled tosee me as much as I them.
They'll be shocked.
The visit room is intimidating.
In fact, coming through theprocess, through the scanners,

(08:36):
corralled into a lobby, and thenthe sensory overload that is the
visit room.
They'll stand out and they'llfeel the oppressive environment,
even though half of it is happyfamilies.
It will be surreal seeing me inthe knobhead tabard and not in a
suit, and I'm white, lackingsunlight and vitamin D in the

(09:00):
middle of summer.
The visits room makes peoplefeel super uncomfortable,
especially if it's the firsttime.
They'll feel all eyes on them asmuch as I, on all three of us.
The day has been a rollercoasterof emotion, but as usual, never

(09:21):
dull.
We worked until late, but as aresult, I managed a two minute
call to T.
It was the highlight of my day.
They're on some classy rooftopbar by St.
Paul's Cathedral, and my parentsapparently are highly
entertaining.
Without realising it as such,it's distracted them away from

(09:44):
dwelling on my absence.
They're out on the town and nomatter how old or ill ET and
Long John Silver are, both willbe last to bed.
John Boy will hobble around onhalf of one foot and half of one
leg and my mother will shufflelike ET.

(10:16):
The day after the day before.
It's not a criticism, merely anobservation, is a phrase I use a
lot in here.
It's fair to say inmates takeoffence to almost everything
that isn't in agreement withthem, or at least what they want
to hear.
So feedback, even when it'sgenuine and thoughtful, or

(10:39):
truthful, well, it seems toalways hit a raw nerve in here,
and unfortunately, again, anobservation likely develops or
escalates into a grudge.
Some lads reach combustiblelevels quickly because they feel
threatened, inferior, or stupid.

(11:03):
Today has been generous inobservations.
But consider what I'm having toprocess at the same time as
observing.
One is never far away from beingsucked into somebody else's shit
storm.
Do I have a face of disapprovalat times?
Yes.

(11:23):
Do my words and body languageoften differ to the rest of the
lads?
Yes.
And purely by breathing, do Ihave the knack for offending
people?
Yes.
I try my best every day to bethe best human being I can be,
be a better person thanyesterday type of thing, but

(11:44):
none of that matters.
There is no doubting my face ofdisapproval appears when the
jail talk reaches baseness.
If I cannot escape it, thenoften the lads will magnify the
conversation to provoke furtherresponses and generate
entertainment value.

(12:08):
Lunch was early today, 11.40.
The selection was poor.
I chose healthy and simple.
It was early because the gym hadbeen cancelled.
It was a training day that didmake me smile.
The facilities and the equipmentin the gym is stuck in the
1970s.

(12:31):
I've written before that guysget bored and frustrated when
there is no gym, and that canend up leading anywhere, which
is normally unpleasant.
It can become moody, quickly orworse, juvenile, taking the piss
out of each other and playingstupid pranks at someone else's
expense.

(12:52):
Today we were introduced to anew coworker.
He's been recommended byToenails.
He's one of his pals.
During the morning, he seemedreally okay, rough, but works
hard.
He likes to keep busy.
However, by lunchtime it becameclear, he was pure jail.

(13:19):
The healthy and simple optionI'd chosen, jacket potato and
beans, turned out to be warmbeans over a cold potato that
was raw in the middle.
I'd done a workout in thebedding stores and was super
hungry, contemplating porridgefor lunch again, and not paying
attention to the lads chatteringaway.

(13:42):
Toenails broke my moment ofambivalence.
I saw him nudging our newcoworker.
Tell the lads what you told melast night, Ratty.
I had a sense it was intendedfor me.
Mischief making, pressing buttonstuff.
I was right.

(14:05):
Yeah, I get caught by me missushaving a wank in the bathroom,
that was bad, but she caught mewatching the neighbour having a
play.
You can imagine.
The lads loved it and I was upfrom the table to leave, after

(14:30):
all porridge called.
Toenails seized the opportunity.
What do you make of that?
He doesn't like that type oftalk Ratty.
Then a couple more jumped in andbefore you know it, you're
potentially looking like a righttwat.
You know me lads.

(14:52):
Personal stuff stays private.
Toenails is always chippingaway.
And when two of the posse landedin my betting stores, just as I
was in the middle of stirringPlan B for lunch, well, they hit
the ground running, here toprovoke me, picking up from the
conversation around the tablefive minutes earlier.

(15:14):
I'd like to think I'm good for alaugh, but the truth is they
were here to agitate me and buzzoff it and then do the rounds,
same topic.
G Dubz was not amused.
The less I responded, the morethe pair cattle prodded me.
Comments were made about what Iam and what I am not.

(15:39):
Toenails loves to throw in inthese moments, or as a result of
them, that I think I'm better.
When that grenade is thrown in,I have to act sharp and diffuse
it.
Usually, you know my positionlads, George the mop and the
Lord made us all as equals.

(16:02):
But this time I threw in, inhere we're all doing time and it
brings out the best and worst inpeople.
I'll put it like this.
What would your missus think,listening to you getting off on
another bloke wanking in thesink?
Crack on lads.

(16:24):
I'd rather watch a bad moviethat I've already seen.
You could cut the air with aknife.
It baffles me how the ladsdescend into nonsense when
they're bored, or worse, fuelled by Toenails.
His relentless endeavors toderail me, try and embarrass me,

(16:45):
or humiliate me, or break me,have been persistent now for six
months.
Yet the harder he persists, themore he's failed.
That hurts him.
Interestingly, for all of hissly and devious and wretched

(17:05):
creature ways, he hasn'tconfronted me physically.
I've come to the conclusion he'sas afraid to be shipped out as
anyone.
He's at home in this place,probably earning more than he
does on the outside.
As P said, he's nothing betterthan a Joey out there.

(17:27):
For all of the mischief andbaseness born out of prison and
boredom, Toenails knows too manylads in the group are in my
corner.
And officers will prefer to keepme than him, not because I'm
close to them, but because Iwork hard, can be trusted and
relied upon.

(17:49):
Toenails put that on me too.
If an officer is fighting downhere and he shouts to you for
help, who are you going to help,him or the prisoner?
I shut that down quickly.
Great question.

(18:10):
What would you do?
If Mr.
C, who you love, we all knowyou're close, laugh at
everything that he says.
Well, he's 60, little old fella,and one of these crackpots just
back from court, now laying intolittle old Mr.
C, what would you do?

(18:32):
I went a stage further andcalled Mr.
H over.
Hey Mr.
H, if blah, blah, blah, blahhappens, code red stuff, and
you're being bashed in, what amI supposed to do?
It was like everything wentslowmo.
The lads couldn't believe I'dasked the question.

(18:53):
Mr.
H looked at me, looked at thelads, and then said, press the
alarm first and then get thefucker off me if I'm down.
But what came next was the gem.
He looked back at the lads andthen said, any of you lads have
a problem with that, feel freeto let me know.

(19:17):
My parting words were, we allknow where we stand.
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