May 25, 2025 • 14 mins
Self-harming is as common as the cockroaches that appear each evening. The place is infested with self-harming severe mental health issues and men attempting suicide daily, to the entertainment of far too many lads on the wing.
During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed. The events have not.
This is a Jekyll & Pride production.
Producer: Trevessa Newton
Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)
Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025
@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 35 Self-Inflicted Death.
(00:39):
It's the 18th of September,2016.
The topic of conversation isonce again the Bentley, the
photo, and the damningheadlines.
As new prisoners enterreception, replacing those
either sacked or moving onto theCat D nirvana, which lads talk
about constantly, from thepositive stories to dreams of
(01:02):
progress on the way to releaseor horror stories, what's really
going on In some places.
There's always bullying,although less violence.
Working out is always a topicfrom the sublime to the
ridiculous.
And home leaves.
Some make it sound amazing andstraightforward.
(01:22):
And those who have previousexperience or pals who are there
now.
Ringing in here on mobile phonesand relaying it directly.
On the topic of phones, theprison is full of them.
Less are coming in through thenormal route i.e.
plugged.
Instead, it's drones deliveringthem like Amazon parcels.
(01:43):
The prison and the prisonsplural are in crisis mode
throughout the UK.
Staff shortages, low morale, andmany prisons out of control.
This place has over 1200prisoners, but it's built for
half of that.
Resources are cut, but thewastage is eye watering.
(02:05):
There aren't enough officers todeal with the crisis, and it's
worse than firefighting everyday and more the case of
processing at capacity dailywhilst clinging onto a life
support machine.
New lads in work, the new facesthat land on the wing, over in
the gym or during haircuts,well, the Bentley in the
(02:26):
headlines prompts a flow ofquestions.
I'm dancing this tango on aregular basis.
However much fun and laughs Iroll with, there is always a
sense that someone is lurkingwith ulterior motives.
It feels, once again, that thereis a target on my back.
It has certainly drawn plenty ofunwanted attention.
(02:49):
I'm not in the spotlight.
I'm under a microscope.
Today the Bentley and theheadlines were brought up in
work countless times.
Also in the gym, three times inthe gym.
I went to the stores and therewas a crowd of lads waiting for
gear to take back to the wings.
(03:10):
The two civvies who were veryfunny and great to get on with
love it when I land.
I'm always prime entertainmentvalue for them.
They're like Ant and Dec, verycheeky and mischievous, and to
be honest, it's refreshing.
In the space of 15 minutes, thequestions range from, is it
(03:31):
yours?
Did you own it?
What was it like?
And why am I sat on the bonnetlike a...
Well, there were varyingcomments to that, including a
right twat, and where was myhead at?
The best response I can provideoften begins with, guys, guys,
(03:54):
you know you shouldn't believewhat you read in the press.
But yes, I did own it, but thatis not it in the photo.
With reference to the blokelooking like a twat on it, well,
that genuine bloke was actuallysat on a desk in real life with
other people and in a completelydifferent context.
(04:15):
Basically, guys, it wasphotoshopped by the art
department in the office as alaugh.
They were always doing stufflike that in the old days.
Looky likeys was their numberone.
The whole office was foreverdoing them.
I used to go berserk, althoughit could be funny.
I felt it could have thepotential for being
inappropriate or offend, but itwas difficult.
(04:37):
They all loved them, even thoughsome of them were brutal, of
which I had my fair share ofbrutal.
I could be sat in a reallyimportant meeting and one would
slide under the door, not of me,but of another employee.
Magical times when I look back.
(04:58):
So, when the police during theinvestigation found on the Art
Department computer and I waslater slammed with the seven
years, well, it was the perfectopportunity to make me look like
a proper twat, and they've takenme down.
Smiling Fran, the stores' civviecouldn't resist.
(05:23):
Who were your looky likeys G,was the one question that
appeared from nowhere, butforced me to pause.
It had the effect of pausing thegroup too.
Let's just say some wereflattering and some not.
Fran could have across me beforeI could ramble out of it.
(05:45):
I'm not arsed about the Clooneyones G.
What about the squirmers?
Come on, own them.
What do you do?
What do you say?
It's like a cliffhanger with adrum roll.
It's all in good fun and thiswas going to hurt, but better to
play it down than talk it upbig.
(06:09):
Eamonn Holmes.
I just remember the key wordsthat punch through and plenty of
the lads had something to sayfrom, Brutal.
Ouch.
I can't see it...
to, who's Eamonn Holmes?
That received an even worseresponse from Jerry, aka Dec.
He's some fat Irish fella on theTV of a morning.
(06:32):
Looks nothing like G, but assuch, insulting.
So funny, but so true.
For a moment if I closed myeyes, I could have been back in
the office.
(06:56):
It's Tuesday the 20th ofSeptember.
This morning there was agathering, sort of celebration,
25 years of the Listenersprogramme in prison run by the
Samaritans.
I could write endlessly aboutthe depths of despair prisoners
are enduring daily in here.
(07:18):
They're lost, alone, andabandoned by the prison system.
Self-harming is as common ascockroaches that appear each
evening.
The place is infested withself-harming severe mental
health issues and men attemptingsuicide daily, mainly to the
entertainment of far too manylads on the wing.
(07:39):
You might as well put a sign onthe Governor's door saying, Do
Not Disturb.
For me, it leaves a bitter tastein the mouth when the number one
Governor has the gall to standon his feet and say to everyone
in the chapel, when someonecommits suicide, they call it
(08:01):
self-inflicted death.
It is I who visits the family.
It's not an easy job, let metell you, but I can visit those
families and tell them withconfidence that everything that
could have been done, was done.
He repeated this as part of theListeners' speech.
(08:24):
As I looked out of the chapelwindow, the view resembled a fly
tipping site.
It's a publicly run organizationand we live like gutter rats in
fear of our lives, and theGovernor is without doubt
responsible for it.
I'm the first in line to supportthe Listeners and Samaritans and
(08:45):
there are some officers who Jsays helped save him during the
early couple of years, but it'sdelusional and blinkers on when
the number one Governor iswalking around the place.
It's like a war zone burning allaround us.
You might as well say, cananyone smell the roses, when the
reality is that everything isdiseased and rotting.
(09:10):
How I did not stand up in frontof everyone and call him out I
do not know.
I feel very strongly on this.
Last night in the paper, HMP wascriticized for two deaths by
suicide, and a day later he hasthe gall to jump on the
(09:31):
bandwagon and grab some positivephotos and headlines.
The Listeners service is fine inprinciple, but it's impossible
to implement.
And the Llisteners I experienceare all helping of their own
volition rather than beinghelped or assisted or encouraged
by HMP.
(09:52):
I suppose that's what makes mefeel sick to the core.
The Governor is the problem, ahypocrite and not fit for
purpose, but worse, there is alad dead.
I was there.
No officer helped, no one.
The kid died a desperate, lonelydeath after warning staff he was
suicidal.
(10:14):
The Governor had the audacity tolet the kid's parents visit
inside here so they could seehow he was looked after whilst
here.
They were stood in front of me.
I had to listen to, we dideverything we could.
It was a sham, a coverup, and tobe honest, I feel ashamed that I
(10:37):
didn't have the courage to speakout.
It was wrong on every level.
Death, self-harming, violence,brutal attacks, and a mental
health epidemic all beingcovered up.
And the Governor has the gall tosay everything possible was
done.
A week ago I was being sent toHaverigg because I am a good
(10:59):
prisoner, no hassle, and over 35and because it will help give a
better image to the place, statswise in particular.
The rumor today is that it'sabout to close with immediate
effect.
Apparently it's out of controland unable to be run safely or
securely.
(11:21):
This is not jail gossip.
No.
It's officers telling mecandidly.
Some of the stories leaked outare next level of depravity
stuff.
There's raping, men on men,drugs parties, weird shit all
filmed on mobile phones.
(11:42):
I'd heard months ago about thestabbings and turf wars, but
today's news is primeval stuff.
This is the second prison inweeks announcing it's closing.
Kennet was the other.
Ask yourself this, w hy aren'tthe police involved?
(12:03):
Where are the politicians on thetopic and why is it not on the
mainstream news?
HMP is being protected like manypublic sector departments.
When rape is now as regular assuicide than what should be
done?
What is being done?
(12:23):
Apparently the footage isalready out on the web.
Violent attacks happen every dayhere.
To be fair to officers, therejust aren't enough of them,
especially the experienced kind,sometimes only one or two in
charge on a wing.
It's madness as well asextremely dangerous.
(12:46):
The only solution is bangingprisoners up for longer.
Containment.
Ironically, it is the abuse ofcontainment that accelerates
many of the other problems andissues.
Treat people like vermin, cagethem like wild animals, and what
do you receive back as a result?
(13:06):
For all of the horrors thatsurround me, I care and I cannot
turn my back on people, eventhose who wrong me.
The Glumster is being a realpain presently, and he needs to
move up to Cat D dream soonerrather than later.
It is hard to describe in wordshow a grown up man can act like
an out of control moodyteenager.
(13:29):
But the content is incredible.
I returned tonight from work totwo surprises shoved under the
door.
The first was hilarious, aprinted photo of Eamonn Holmes.
It had to have come from eitherAnt or Dec or Smurf somehow made
it happen, although he hasn'towned up to it, but he hasn't
(13:52):
stopped laughing and I nevertold him the story.
The second surprise was from mydaughter.
She'd sent me an email from herholiday via email@prisoner.com.
It made me swell with emotionupon top bunk as I read it.
(14:13):
T's cards and letters often havethe same effect.
You may be surprised to hear,but strangely, I have one thing
to be grateful for from thejudge.
By providing us with this awful,horrendous, debilitating
experience it's allowed us tofeel the power of what true love
(14:34):
really means, is.
Anger and bitterness have noplace in mine or T's life.
No.
It's corrosive.
In my darkest hour I feel onlylove and know that I am loved.
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 35 Self-Inflicted Death.
(00:39):
It's the 18th of September,2016.
The topic of conversation isonce again the Bentley, the
photo, and the damningheadlines.
As new prisoners enterreception, replacing those
either sacked or moving onto theCat D nirvana, which lads talk
about constantly, from thepositive stories to dreams of
(01:02):
progress on the way to releaseor horror stories, what's really
going on In some places.
There's always bullying,although less violence.
Working out is always a topicfrom the sublime to the
ridiculous.
And home leaves.
Some make it sound amazing andstraightforward.
(01:22):
And those who have previousexperience or pals who are there
now.
Ringing in here on mobile phonesand relaying it directly.
On the topic of phones, theprison is full of them.
Less are coming in through thenormal route i.e.
plugged.
Instead, it's drones deliveringthem like Amazon parcels.
(01:43):
The prison and the prisonsplural are in crisis mode
throughout the UK.
Staff shortages, low morale, andmany prisons out of control.
This place has over 1200prisoners, but it's built for
half of that.
Resources are cut, but thewastage is eye watering.
(02:05):
There aren't enough officers todeal with the crisis, and it's
worse than firefighting everyday and more the case of
processing at capacity dailywhilst clinging onto a life
support machine.
New lads in work, the new facesthat land on the wing, over in
the gym or during haircuts,well, the Bentley in the
(02:26):
headlines prompts a flow ofquestions.
I'm dancing this tango on aregular basis.
However much fun and laughs Iroll with, there is always a
sense that someone is lurkingwith ulterior motives.
It feels, once again, that thereis a target on my back.
It has certainly drawn plenty ofunwanted attention.
(02:49):
I'm not in the spotlight.
I'm under a microscope.
Today the Bentley and theheadlines were brought up in
work countless times.
Also in the gym, three times inthe gym.
I went to the stores and therewas a crowd of lads waiting for
gear to take back to the wings.
(03:10):
The two civvies who were veryfunny and great to get on with
love it when I land.
I'm always prime entertainmentvalue for them.
They're like Ant and Dec, verycheeky and mischievous, and to
be honest, it's refreshing.
In the space of 15 minutes, thequestions range from, is it
(03:31):
yours?
Did you own it?
What was it like?
And why am I sat on the bonnetlike a...
Well, there were varyingcomments to that, including a
right twat, and where was myhead at?
The best response I can provideoften begins with, guys, guys,
(03:54):
you know you shouldn't believewhat you read in the press.
But yes, I did own it, but thatis not it in the photo.
With reference to the blokelooking like a twat on it, well,
that genuine bloke was actuallysat on a desk in real life with
other people and in a completelydifferent context.
(04:15):
Basically, guys, it wasphotoshopped by the art
department in the office as alaugh.
They were always doing stufflike that in the old days.
Looky likeys was their numberone.
The whole office was foreverdoing them.
I used to go berserk, althoughit could be funny.
I felt it could have thepotential for being
inappropriate or offend, but itwas difficult.
(04:37):
They all loved them, even thoughsome of them were brutal, of
which I had my fair share ofbrutal.
I could be sat in a reallyimportant meeting and one would
slide under the door, not of me,but of another employee.
Magical times when I look back.
(04:58):
So, when the police during theinvestigation found on the Art
Department computer and I waslater slammed with the seven
years, well, it was the perfectopportunity to make me look like
a proper twat, and they've takenme down.
Smiling Fran, the stores' civviecouldn't resist.
(05:23):
Who were your looky likeys G,was the one question that
appeared from nowhere, butforced me to pause.
It had the effect of pausing thegroup too.
Let's just say some wereflattering and some not.
Fran could have across me beforeI could ramble out of it.
(05:45):
I'm not arsed about the Clooneyones G.
What about the squirmers?
Come on, own them.
What do you do?
What do you say?
It's like a cliffhanger with adrum roll.
It's all in good fun and thiswas going to hurt, but better to
play it down than talk it upbig.
(06:09):
Eamonn Holmes.
I just remember the key wordsthat punch through and plenty of
the lads had something to sayfrom, Brutal.
Ouch.
I can't see it...
to, who's Eamonn Holmes?
That received an even worseresponse from Jerry, aka Dec.
He's some fat Irish fella on theTV of a morning.
(06:32):
Looks nothing like G, but assuch, insulting.
So funny, but so true.
For a moment if I closed myeyes, I could have been back in
the office.
(06:56):
It's Tuesday the 20th ofSeptember.
This morning there was agathering, sort of celebration,
25 years of the Listenersprogramme in prison run by the
Samaritans.
I could write endlessly aboutthe depths of despair prisoners
are enduring daily in here.
(07:18):
They're lost, alone, andabandoned by the prison system.
Self-harming is as common ascockroaches that appear each
evening.
The place is infested withself-harming severe mental
health issues and men attemptingsuicide daily, mainly to the
entertainment of far too manylads on the wing.
(07:39):
You might as well put a sign onthe Governor's door saying, Do
Not Disturb.
For me, it leaves a bitter tastein the mouth when the number one
Governor has the gall to standon his feet and say to everyone
in the chapel, when someonecommits suicide, they call it
(08:01):
self-inflicted death.
It is I who visits the family.
It's not an easy job, let metell you, but I can visit those
families and tell them withconfidence that everything that
could have been done, was done.
He repeated this as part of theListeners' speech.
(08:24):
As I looked out of the chapelwindow, the view resembled a fly
tipping site.
It's a publicly run organizationand we live like gutter rats in
fear of our lives, and theGovernor is without doubt
responsible for it.
I'm the first in line to supportthe Listeners and Samaritans and
(08:45):
there are some officers who Jsays helped save him during the
early couple of years, but it'sdelusional and blinkers on when
the number one Governor iswalking around the place.
It's like a war zone burning allaround us.
You might as well say, cananyone smell the roses, when the
reality is that everything isdiseased and rotting.
(09:10):
How I did not stand up in frontof everyone and call him out I
do not know.
I feel very strongly on this.
Last night in the paper, HMP wascriticized for two deaths by
suicide, and a day later he hasthe gall to jump on the
(09:31):
bandwagon and grab some positivephotos and headlines.
The Listeners service is fine inprinciple, but it's impossible
to implement.
And the Llisteners I experienceare all helping of their own
volition rather than beinghelped or assisted or encouraged
by HMP.
(09:52):
I suppose that's what makes mefeel sick to the core.
The Governor is the problem, ahypocrite and not fit for
purpose, but worse, there is alad dead.
I was there.
No officer helped, no one.
The kid died a desperate, lonelydeath after warning staff he was
suicidal.
(10:14):
The Governor had the audacity tolet the kid's parents visit
inside here so they could seehow he was looked after whilst
here.
They were stood in front of me.
I had to listen to, we dideverything we could.
It was a sham, a coverup, and tobe honest, I feel ashamed that I
(10:37):
didn't have the courage to speakout.
It was wrong on every level.
Death, self-harming, violence,brutal attacks, and a mental
health epidemic all beingcovered up.
And the Governor has the gall tosay everything possible was
done.
A week ago I was being sent toHaverigg because I am a good
(10:59):
prisoner, no hassle, and over 35and because it will help give a
better image to the place, statswise in particular.
The rumor today is that it'sabout to close with immediate
effect.
Apparently it's out of controland unable to be run safely or
securely.
(11:21):
This is not jail gossip.
No.
It's officers telling mecandidly.
Some of the stories leaked outare next level of depravity
stuff.
There's raping, men on men,drugs parties, weird shit all
filmed on mobile phones.
(11:42):
I'd heard months ago about thestabbings and turf wars, but
today's news is primeval stuff.
This is the second prison inweeks announcing it's closing.
Kennet was the other.
Ask yourself this, w hy aren'tthe police involved?
(12:03):
Where are the politicians on thetopic and why is it not on the
mainstream news?
HMP is being protected like manypublic sector departments.
When rape is now as regular assuicide than what should be
done?
What is being done?
(12:23):
Apparently the footage isalready out on the web.
Violent attacks happen every dayhere.
To be fair to officers, therejust aren't enough of them,
especially the experienced kind,sometimes only one or two in
charge on a wing.
It's madness as well asextremely dangerous.
(12:46):
The only solution is bangingprisoners up for longer.
Containment.
Ironically, it is the abuse ofcontainment that accelerates
many of the other problems andissues.
Treat people like vermin, cagethem like wild animals, and what
do you receive back as a result?
(13:06):
For all of the horrors thatsurround me, I care and I cannot
turn my back on people, eventhose who wrong me.
The Glumster is being a realpain presently, and he needs to
move up to Cat D dream soonerrather than later.
It is hard to describe in wordshow a grown up man can act like
an out of control moodyteenager.
(13:29):
But the content is incredible.
I returned tonight from work totwo surprises shoved under the
door.
The first was hilarious, aprinted photo of Eamonn Holmes.
It had to have come from eitherAnt or Dec or Smurf somehow made
it happen, although he hasn'towned up to it, but he hasn't
(13:52):
stopped laughing and I nevertold him the story.
The second surprise was from mydaughter.
She'd sent me an email from herholiday via email@prisoner.com.
It made me swell with emotionupon top bunk as I read it.
(14:13):
T's cards and letters often havethe same effect.
You may be surprised to hear,but strangely, I have one thing
to be grateful for from thejudge.
By providing us with this awful,horrendous, debilitating
experience it's allowed us tofeel the power of what true love
(14:34):
really means, is.
Anger and bitterness have noplace in mine or T's life.
No.
It's corrosive.
In my darkest hour I feel onlylove and know that I am loved.
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