Episode 36 - Ship Outs + Slashings

Any one of us can be attacked or caught up in a violent episode, and potentially or probably be knifed, slashed, coshed, swilled, strangled or battered brutally and viciously. Who do you become as a result of any of this, when on the receiving end and scarred for life?

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 36 Ship Outs Slashings Alarge part of today has been

(00:40):
dedicated to reading and writingand working on both LPs as in
Love and Life Plans.
In Wayne Dyer's book it says,loving, harmonious thoughts
produce love and harmony to giveaway, regardless of what is
coming at you.
How could one disagree?

(01:03):
Born again Sheila used to say,just open your heart and let it
in, and, you only get what youcan handle, which presently
feels like an irony.
We all have go-to lines orsayings or phrases, to help
articulate and describe things.

(01:25):
We lean on them for all sorts ofreasons.
Maybe to affirm something, maybeto explain something, maybe to
inspire or remind us of hope.
We all regurgitate cliches,metaphors and sound bites.

(01:45):
They say something, sometimeslarge, sometimes small, but they
help us visualize or explain,and carry us across the wide and
varied spectrum of emotions.
I often say, for instance, aboutremaining true to myself if I'm
going to make it through to theother side, not angry, bitter,

(02:08):
or resentful, and in love, andwith purpose and meaning as a
result of this life-changingevent.
Hopefully for all the good, bad,and ugly, this somehow makes
sense years down the line andthis whole torrid episode in our

(02:30):
lives, whether I win the appealor not, somehow I've put it to
good use.
I'm all in on love.
I don't have to broadcast it.
I don't have to sell it, bang onabout it.
I don't even have to go tochurch, no.

(02:50):
But if I'm very different to therest of the lads, then a big
part of it is my acceptance andrelationship with love.
Without T, my daughter, myparents, and the extended
friends and family, love mayfeel different.
But I'm spoiled with it and I'mcomfortable showing it without

(03:14):
being a prize prick.
I watch, observe, experience,feel how the force and weight
bears down on a person whilestress and anxiety, whoever you
may be, courses through one'sveins more than any blood.

(03:36):
A place and environment such asthis can devour or at least take
advantage of what they perceiveto be weakness, whether it's
cruel entertainment or directbullying and intimidation.
In here they will strip you ofeverything and leave you
trembling whilst they'regloating, like laughing hyenas.

(04:02):
I write regularly that I'm hereto thrive rather than merely
survive.
Even I'm noticing the sayingsnow.
There are moments when survivalis the only option, fight or
flight, our basic human instinctwhen threatened.
I try to strike a balancebetween always being true to

(04:24):
myself whilst being aware of theever present dangers and threats
that circle constantly likebirds of prey, waiting for the
prey to appear.
For instance, Toenails and hiscronies.
If they were a band, they'd becalled the Mood Hoovers.
They are pure jail.

(04:46):
Horrible.
Each beaten with the ugly stickat birth and ugly inside too.
That's their worst feature.
Every day, at every or anyopportunity I'm the centre of
their attention and obsession.
In here, any hint of fearstimulates the evil ones.

(05:09):
In here we're all living in apressure cooker.
Waiting for it to explode at anytime.
Egos, dramas, fears,resentments, and reputations
collide under pressureconstantly.
How would you navigate thisknowing you're only ever a
moment away from somethingdramatic happening?

(05:33):
I've chosen or adopted the pathof keep the peace, be friendly
as often as possible, and try toremain neutral.
What's laughable, I suppose, isthat for almost nine months I've
tried to blend in, certainly nottried to stand out, but it

(05:55):
appears I've hopelessly failedas I'm forever in the spotlight
or caught in its over spill.
I try not to have opinions, butI fail with my look of
disapproval or my silence on thetopic.
I must confess, this is like atango on razor blades,

(06:16):
barefooted.
Being a good person, regardlessof the situation, is difficult.
I can at times feel profoundlychallenged.
Fighting should be the lastresort, and really only if I'm
under attack.
Any one of us can be attacked orcaught up in a violent episode,

(06:39):
and potentially or probably beknifed, slashed, coshed,
swilled, strangled or batteredbrutally and viciously.
Who do you become as a result ofany of this, when on the
receiving end and scarred forlife?

(07:00):
Love plays a significant partfor sure, but so does having a
sense of humour.
That diffuses tense momentsbetter than anything.
It is the 24th of September,2016.

(07:24):
In the last few days, there havebeen record numbers of ship
outs, all escorted in cuffs, andan attempt at zero tolerance of
the, nah, I'm not going.
Lads, inmates, especially thehardened scallies, have been
resisting being shipped out tothe point they're laughing and
gloating about it.

(07:47):
Now they're screaming likethey're victims as they're
dragged out with force ifnecessary.
But once you're in the meatwagon, you're gone.
Yesterday I watched a young ladbe taken to hospital to be
stitched up.
Another savage attack across thecheek with a homemade blade.

(08:11):
The razor blade is embedded inan old toothbrush.
The lads melt the plastic brushhead with a lighter,
resourceful, but gruesome.
The kid will be scarred forlife.
Then today, another kid, who wasrumoured to be John Venables.

(08:33):
What a load of nonsense, as if?
He was in reception and it wasnot Venables, no.
It was a lad who, if anything,had learning difficulties.
Most certainly not violent or ascally.
He was attacked in his pad lessthan an hour after being down

(08:53):
here eating chocolate like a kidon Christmas morning, right
outside the bedding stores.
I thought as I watched earlier,he looks like the type of kid
who's waiting for his mother tocome and pick him up, not the
type who should be in prison,vulnerable and a prime target

(09:17):
for bullying or abuse.
Also, yesterday a young lad wasjumped first thing after being
unlocked.
Another vicious attack.
Today, the lads who did it walkaround joking as if nothing
happened.

(09:38):
What's going on?
Why does no one care?
Why are we being left to policeour own wings?
It's lawless.
No police, no investigation orinquiry, nothing.
Toenails has stepped the hate GWcampaign up a level.

(10:00):
I sense the backlash has begun.
Of late I've clearly had theupper hand, and by that I mean
I've managed to deflect hiscaustic assaults by outsmarting
him during intense moments.
The lads say it's been the mostamusing part, watching how I

(10:21):
navigate the treachery.
J was complimentary.
Dan said It was my sense ofhumour, it derails Toenails
every time.
However, what has evolved isthat Toenails is now as good as
bullying Flemmo, aka Mr.
Blobby.

(10:41):
It happened with the K kidmonths back.
Don't get me wrong, Flemmo couldchoose to go about things
differently, and he's wanderedin a few times, let his guard
down and opened up to me.
But he's desperate for approvaland desperate to win favour from

(11:01):
Toenails by trying bad gags inmy direction.
He knows that having a go at me,undermining or discrediting me,
wins approval from Toenails.
He knows it pleases him.
J said, Toenails has obviouslylost the battle of wits and

(11:24):
strength, but my instincts tellme this is why there is a new
offensive against me.
All the trouble over the pastfew weeks, the ship outs and the
tensions with officers, well, itput everybody on eggshells.
It was enough, however, to keepToenails and the posse quiet.

(11:49):
For over eight monthsrelentlessly, I've had to rise
above it as he and the posse tryto break me.
Ironically, the lads commentmore and more about my method of
survival compared to others whoare trying too hard to be tough
and revealing themselves asduplicitous and not trustworthy.

(12:11):
Today during lunch, which forall of us was a bap,a bowl of
soup, a banana and a Penguinbiscuit, honestly, a child in
preschool would have a biggerand better lunch.
We sit around a table like it'sa school canteen or a factory.
There's always banter.

(12:33):
Usually Toenails and the possehijack any fun and focus
everything in my direction.
They'd been prodding allmorning, and by the time I sat
down, they were laughing at meand about me.
I calmly intervened.

(12:54):
I've noticed you laugh at eachother's numpty comments and bad
gags.
Do you rehearse it, because it'snot natural, is it?
You know, like an amateurdramatics rehearsal?
It's got to stop.
You're embarrassing yourselves.
Come on, we're supposed to beprisoners.

(13:17):
You laugh at his dickheadcomments, then you laugh at his,
right on cue.
I've told you lads, referring tothe rest of the reception lads
around the table, amateurs,they're rehearsing in the pad
every night.
You think you're funny, don'tyah, was about as far as he got.

(13:42):
I couldn't help myself.
At least when the lads laugh atmy stuff, it's for real.
Not like, when I say this,Flemmo, you laugh.
Yeah, boss.
I laugh.
I've noticed, but you haven't.
You are ruining everyone'smealtime when you do this.

(14:06):
You're going to have to think ofsomething better than all this
disruption.
No one likes Toenails.
He's pure jail, acts tough,pretends he's connected, but
really he's trying to be asomebody inside here, whilst out
there, he's a nobody.
Or as P puts it, a Joey.

(14:30):
99% of people in here cause meno grief.
But the 1%, they are relentless.
When new faces arrive to workhere, they're on them from the
get go.
Trying to turn them against me,certainly trying to undermine
me.
It's a strange feeling,constantly having to be in the

(14:53):
same space with someone whoclearly hates me.
It can be unnerving because it'sso intense.
I've learned it's not the caseof why me, but why not me?