Episode 37 - The Despicables Come Unstuck

The constant level of juvenile behaviour is beyond what you can imagine, but at the same time it has to be taken seriously because of the ever present violent undertones that lurk. You may be surprised to hear that vanity plays a significant role in HMP from personal male grooming to touching another man's muscles, or at least admiring them up close and personal. My funniest moment has to be with Big J, who's been shaving his pubic area with an old set of clippers. He's six foot five and still has nearly a year to serve.

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 37 The Despicables ComeUnstuck.

(00:38):
It's the end of September, 2016.
No two days are ever the same,and yet it can feel like
Groundhog Day.
The routine dictates that, andsurrounded by the same people
every day who talk about thesame topics and bullshit, which

(00:59):
I do my best to avoid, althoughsadly, most of it is unavoidable
in such confined spaces.
I'm at the desk, as in a prisondesk.
I'm writing and catching up withthe pen on the page.
Our cell isn't big.

(01:20):
The 18 inch wide desk is behindthe cell door, and I'm
sandwiched between the wall andour bunk beds.
Big Reeve, who is six footfour,his feet hang over the edge
of his bunk and touch the backof my broken chair.
He's reading his letter from hispartner.

(01:41):
She's included some photos.
He's quiet and must have readthe letter over and over for the
last 30 minutes.
Beyond the door terrorizingpreoccupies the wing.
The last few days have beentough.

(02:01):
Toenails and the ramshackleposse are on the offensive
again, albeit the rest of thelads are fed up with it.
They've been quiet during themoody officer's week, and
although we've all been oneggshells, their silence made
work more bearable for everyone.

(02:22):
However, my instincts serve mewell and the wretched creatures
are once again trying their bestto derail me.
Young D and P have both saidthey want to end it and they're
in my corner, which I must sayfeels like progress as much as

(02:43):
it is reassuring.
I've had to soak up a bit of theunpleasant stuff for days, put
on a brave face too, and smile,even though I'm clenching my
teeth.
However, I take solace inknowing my words and comments

(03:03):
last week hurt and embarrassthem.
It made them look like fools asmuch as despicables.
And they're wounded.
They know what I said and how Idelivered it resonated with the
lads and it made it back to thewing.

(03:25):
The good news, and a break fromthe monotony and treachery is my
daughter came in for a visit onMonday after returning from her
holiday.
If I was disingenuous at all, itwas only that I had to put on a
brave face, as the pressure hasbeen tough.
I listened to every word andevery story she had to tell me,

(03:51):
just soaking up the love andfun.
Almost nine months into all ofthis and we still felt like a
family.
She seemed like she was back toher old self and obviously
oblivious to the terribleheadlines a week ago.
Of course, it's surreal, me satin Walton's visits in an orange

(04:14):
tabard, and I'm not coming homewhen the visit ends.
She hugged me at the end andtold me she loved me and that
she was proud of me.
To be honest, I wanted to burstinto tears on the spot, but
somehow I remain composed.

(04:37):
My parting words were, this willsoon be over.
I can't begin to imagine how itmust be impacting on her.
Luckily, she'll soon be back inLondon and away from the
constant reminder or reality ofthis living nightmare.
I thought tonight theterrorizing would finally make

(04:59):
it to my door and in mydirection, but surprise,
surprise, it is not I butFlemmo, aka Mr.
Blobby, or should I say it's hispadmate.
I do not gloat at his fate.
No, I sense a powder keg isabout to explode there.

(05:20):
His padmate is on remand,probably for over a year now.
He's a cog in one of these bigdrugs conspiracy cases.
27 of them in total, allawaiting trial, which isn't far
off, and the tensions have nowreached fever pitch.

(05:41):
There's no doubting what hashappened, merely by the
terrorizing.
He's being called a grass.
It's the last name or allegationan inmate wants to hear.
Listening to the abuse andthreats being hurled in his
direction, one of the co-accusedmust have seen the police
interview he's done.

(06:02):
Defendants obviously on the eveof trial are having to read a
lot of legal papers, etc, and itwould appear a legal handed over
the damning evidence of thebetrayal to one of the lads
today on a visit.

(06:24):
What I can say about Blobby'spad mate is this, it's clear
he's struggling with prison.
But worse, he's struggling withhis missus on the outside.
She's already playing away andstopped coming in on visits.
To make matters worse, she'sinformed the prison he's been
making threatening and abusivephone calls from his cell.

(06:48):
In the space of just a fewhours, Blobby has been sucked
into it.
It's just how it works.
And if the lads get to Etomorrow morning, what is Blobby
going to do when they burst intothe cell?
Toenails is not soft.
In an indirect way it puts himin an awkward position.

(07:10):
Blobby seeks security fromToenails as much as he does
approval, and he'll wantToenails to help resolve the
tensions.
This is how it works.
Firstly, regardless of whether Eis a grass or not, the attention
is on the cell as much as theinmate, ie Blobb y must know

(07:34):
something already.
The pair of them are close.
Secondly, officers are aware Ehas been using a mobile phone in
the cell, so Blobby must know.
It doesn't matter if he doesn'tuse it, he hasn't reported it,
or asked for a transfer of celland pad mate.

(07:57):
So he's in on that.
People already have doubts abouthim and he'll be sucked into
this by morning.
My thoughts are, right nowToenails has already decided to
cut him loose.
Finally, stuff like this is aticking time bomb and officers

(08:19):
know it.
If there's any doubts aboutBlobby, he won't be in reception
for much longer, no.
I've seen these moments a fewtimes now, and how they tend to
unravel.
Blobby and his pad mate, they'retoast.
I expect to see E shipped outvoluntarily tomorrow for his own

(08:42):
safety, but now he's got atarget on his back that will
travel with him everywhere hegoes.
Ironically, as the night hasgone on, I've relaxed.
I won't be getting any grieftomorrow.
Toenails and Blobby will not saya word.
They're not provoking me forfear of what I'll say back and

(09:05):
in front of the lads.
It's time to sign off and timefor the News at Ten.
Not that we'll hear much of thatthis evening, with the
terrorizing and death threatsgoing on beyond the door.

(09:26):
Friday in prison is known,believe it or not, as Fish
Friday, although I've renamed itCat D Friday because that is the
obsession and number one topicthat seemingly reaches a
crescendo every Friday.
However, this week I did call itFeel the Love Friday because

(09:47):
there's too much moodinesscirculating through the
reception band of brothers.
Toenails and Co.
are like a cancer, although Iprefer to call them the Mood
Hoovers.
The gimp's head has fallen off.
His pad mate hasn't been shippedout, but moved to another wing

(10:09):
and there's tensions back on Bwing now.
Toenails has gone cold on hisnumber one.
It's chaos amongst the wretchedcohort and the atmosphere has
been suffocating for days.
They've now got the wrong typeof attention on them.

(10:30):
Love takes on a desperate, orshould I say disparate, form in
here under this roof of madness.
The constant level of juvenilebehaviour is beyond what you can
imagine.
But at the same time, it has tobe taken seriously because of
the ever present violentundertones that lurk.

(10:55):
You may be surprised then tohear that vanity plays a
significant role in HMP frompersonal male grooming to
touching another man's muscles,or at least admiring them up
close and personal.
My funniest moment so far has tobe with Big J, who's been

(11:15):
shaving his pubic area with anold set of clippers.
He's six feet five and still hasnearly a year to serve.
But this is a shard of thecraziness of life in HMP.
I'm pleased to say the lads downhere are moisturizing regularly

(11:36):
nowadays.
I'd like to think I've been apositive influence and continue
to lead from the front on that.
We pick up stuff for free whenit's confiscated on entry.
The officers let us usetoiletries, etc, down here, but
we cannot take them back ontothe wing.

(11:56):
If you're found with what isconsidered contraband, even the
moisturizer, if it's in yourpad, you're sacked.
I've noticed, now that it's onmy radar, at how often the lads
hog the mirror.
Honestly, some of them are doingposes and they're not like Mr.

(12:18):
Universe, no, but more like BenStiller and Zoolander.
Thankfully no one is dying theirhair.
But hilariously, some havemanaged to put their hands on
tan towels or wipes.
Ridiculous I know.
The Glumster uses tweezers forhis eyebrows and looks like a

(12:43):
James Bond villain with handsthe size of coal shovels.
Another weird and strangeobservation is the lads have
taken to watching each other onthe toilet.
I kid you not.
How can a grown up man befascinated by watching another
sat on the throne?

(13:05):
The mind boggles, but even worseis when they have a conversation
like it's a chat over a cup ofcoffee.
My challenge daily is remainingdialled down or diluted, but the
guys, the officers, all know I'mout of sync with the prison

(13:25):
culture, and it leaves me wideopen to be prodded or provoked.
That aside, being comfortable inmy own skin and true to myself,
regardless of what vortex isaround me constantly, is the
only way I feel I can progress.

(13:47):
I'm doing my time the way I feelis conducive to me coming
through the other side asunscathed as possible.
I have a plan and I'm stickingto it.
Fish Friday.
It's a comedy sketch.
Inmates are starving most of thetime and most of the food is not

(14:09):
fit for purpose.
Imagine the battered fish thatis served with soggy cold chips,
has never seen water in its lifeand the second irony, another
comedy sketch is the Cat Dfever.
Cat D is open prison ie, nocells as such, no bars, less

(14:32):
security, walking around groundslike it's a community residence
or an old people's home and abarracks.
Lovely gardens, rabbits, andducks.
It's the gateway to freedom.
However, for as tempting as itsounds lads who you never want
to spend two minutes with on theoutside, fill the place, and

(14:57):
those with issues here, sadly,don't lose those issues there.
T wrote in her letter, the lossof autonomy and control once a
person is caught up with thesystem is something that most
people would expect from acommunist state rather than the

(15:19):
UK.
The sense of helplessness andpowerlessness when there is a
complete erosion of humanrights, would also probably
surprise people who love theBritish legal justice system.
It is like throwing martyrs tothe lions in Roman times.

(15:40):
That's what she wrote.