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August 3, 2025 • 16 mins

I have said many times, nothing and no one is sacred when it comes to Scousers, even more so in prison. Inside HMP, in many ways it is like falling down Lewis Carroll's rabbit hole on acid and coming through the other side only to be in a Stephen King nightmare.

During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.

Most names have been changed. The events have not.

This is a Jekyll & Pride production.

Producer: Trevessa Newton

Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)

Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025

@talesfromthejailspodcast

@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp



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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote

(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 45 Prison Goggle Box, itis December.

(00:41):
Wow.
Unbelievable.
Long overdue, but hallelujah!Posted under the door was
confirmation of my OpenUniversity application.
Well, sort of.
Firstly, it's dated the 29th ofNovember when it was sent and

(01:01):
addressed to care of theEducation Manager, HMP
Liverpool, so it's been satthere for a few days.
Secondly, it's a littlebittersweet, beginning with the
first line.
"We are holding a place for youon the Open University module Y
031, Arts and Languages AccessModule" which, believe it or

(01:26):
not, expires on the 16th ofDecember, 2016, two weeks from
now.
Thirdly, the concerning piece.
It's sentence two,"Once paymentis confirmed, we will allocate
your tutor and give you fullrange of learning resources to

(01:48):
prepare for study." Simply put,I do not know if the prison is
paying.
In fact, as of right now, I feelas though I'm in touching
distance after an eight monthmarathon, and now I'm hanging by
a thread.
It's 50/50 I suppose.
But at least this is a goodsign.

(02:10):
I'll ask Mr.
H if he can put a call intoGeorge at Careers and get him to
drop by, i.e, I've receivedconfirmation.
Hallelujah.
Thanks.
You're a star.
But what happens next?
And there's only 13 days to sortit.
It needs to be dragged acrossthe line before the 16th of

(02:31):
December, or it was all a wasteof time, after everybody putting
in such a huge effort to make ithappen and backing me, then bat
that back to him.
By rights, this should have beenall straightforward, but the
issue is the fees and it'seasier to ship me out and let
the next prison pick up the tab.

(02:53):
How I've managed to keep my jobin reception is a miracle.
I'm like a fly in the ointmentwith this university
application.
I'm excited by the prospect oflaying solid foundations ahead
of leaving prison even when Iwin the appeal.
I don't want to have just wastedmy time here surviving or
treading water.

(03:15):
I don't want to begin our newlife from the day I leave here.
No, I started it the moment Iwent down the stairs from the
court and began this nightmare.
It's the best way of utilizingmy time, nourishing the mind.
And I see this and university,whatever I study or follow, as
something that helps metransition from my old life and

(03:36):
the terrible headlines, to a newone.
The best place to begin is atthe bottom, entry level and arts
and languages.
If I pass this, I'm eligible toapply to university and do a
degree, hopefully something todo with creative writing or some

(03:56):
form of drama or theatre.
I only mention this because if Icould wave a magic wand, in the
new life, beyond all of this,then I'd love to be a writer and
bring the words to life inaudio.
Something like a movie for yourears.
For now, in a prison cell inWalton, during the prison crisis

(04:19):
with budgets slashed everywhere,it's watch this space.
The countdown is on.
It's December.
It's grim, but worse, the TV andradio are saturated with
Christmas ads and festivespirits to remind us of what
we're missing.
Gove says in Inside Times, theproblem, in a nutshell, is that

(04:42):
we have a system operating atpractically full capacity with
nowhere near enough flexibilityto devote time and care and
attention needed to securesuccessful rehabilitation.
Basically, there is no hope.
It's December the 5th, 2016.

(05:03):
I have said many times, nothingand no one is sacred when it
comes to Scousers, even more soin prison.
Inside HMP, well, in many waysit is like falling down Lewis
Carroll's rabbit hole on acidand coming through the other
side only to be in a StephenKing nightmare.

(05:25):
Take today, for instance.
You may be interested, if notsurprised, to hear what inmates
choose or enjoy watching on TV.
Number one in the prisonGogglebox charts is Emmerdale.
Seriously, don't ask me why, butthere are a lot of hard blokes
seemingly wearing hair nets whenit comes to watching the soaps.

(05:49):
Celebrity Jungle is popular too.
Presently, the two most annoyingmen on TV are annoying each
other.
The Homes under the Hammer fellaand Danny Baker, need I say
more.
I've got Scarlet Moffitt in thesweep.
It's true.
We gamble on I'm A Celeb, morefor the fun than anything.

(06:11):
I've never heard of Moffitt.
Dan says she's in some soapcalled Geordie Shore.
I've never heard of that either.
X Factor still has a following,but the dark horse is Planet
Earth II, Sunday night 8:00 PMon the BBC.
Presented and narrated by theliving legend and face and voice
of the natural world for over 60years, Sir David Attenborough.

(06:37):
Even Obama seized theopportunity to spend time with
the cuddly, lovable nationaltreasure, Everyone's favourite
second granddad.
I was impressed that the ladswere talking about it while we
waited to be taken to work.
At the time I was lost inthoughts of T when one of the
lads chirped up with, did anyonesee Planet's Earth II last

(07:01):
night?
I must admit it sort of caughtme by surprise and sobered me up
from drowning in love thoughts.
There is no fucking way theywere waiting for that shot on
the frog.
They were not in the right placeat the right time.
No! This was a reference to ascene in the episode whereby a

(07:23):
rare frog tumbles down the sideof a mountain.
That's how it was described inthe episode, and landed alive
and well in a puddle, where thecamera guy was waiting, or just
happened to be in the rightplace at the right time.
I have to admit my pad mate andI choose to turn over from the X
Factor semis eviction to watchPlanet Earth.

(07:47):
Neil, one of the young lads,Icut his hair, nice lad, does not
need to be here, does not belongin a place like this, but he did
surprise me with an alternativeviewpoint on the topic.
No fucking way that frogmiraculously bounces down the
side of a mountain, lands in afucking puddle like it's taking

(08:09):
a dip.
Yeah, and there's a fuckingcameraman there to capture it.
Fuck off.
Obviously Neil had the samecracked lens to watch through.
Honestly, everyone had myattention because I've been here
before with Prison Gogglebox andI know it ranges from outrageous

(08:30):
and ridiculous to crazy as fuckfunny.
But I'm stuck for words andmumbled out a Freudian slip.
You can't be fucking serious, onwhat evidence are you basing
that wild claim?
It did go silent for a moment.
I felt like a naked leper aboutto be stoned.

(08:52):
Do you really believeAttenborough, the national
treasure, the authority on thenatural world, is capturing
endangered species, and thenchucking them mercilessly down
the side of a mountain for thesake of a camera shot?
Philly jumped in.
Nevermind the frog, did you getto see the rhinos?

(09:14):
What they did to that poorfucking rhino?
The lads were like a backinggroup in perfect harmony.
Neil was off again, fuckingdisgrace.
They shot that, didn't they?
I believe he wasn't describingthe camera shot, but the rifle
one used to kill the rhino andother endangered species.

(09:38):
Come on, you can't be serious, Ispluttered and protested.
They shot that poor fuckingrhino.
Are you seriously trying to say,G, that they just stumbled on a
dead rhino, Perfect for a prideof lions to eat.
And then caught it all oncamera.

(09:58):
Yeah.
Set up.
They shot that poor fuckingrhino.
First day on the job, all readyfor the lions to feast on.
They do fuck all for the nextthree weeks.
They're playing with us.
I tried to inject that they'repros, these camera guys, spend
weeks and months of dedicationand commitment.

(10:21):
I was met with a wall ofsilence, then abuse.
I thought deflecting them mighthelp.
What about the eagle last week?
Behind the scenes footage?
Yeah.
Fucking set up.
No bloke is waiting in a tentfor the fucking week.
No fucking way.
And you're a mug for believingit G.

(10:44):
It gets worse.
By the time we landed in thekitchen, I had to say the
obvious.
Do you really believeAttenborough is killing animals
as bait for great shots?
Too fucking right.
Look at Savile and Rolf Harris.
They're all the fucking same.

(11:05):
Everyone believed them and lookwhat they were up to.
One final observation worthmentioning was, I thought you
loved the series lads, but inperfect harmony, they all said
the same thing.
We do.

(11:29):
It's the 6th of the twelfth,2016.
The M equals murder topic oflate is as dramatic and horrific
as any macabre bestseller.
A few nights back, HMP Liverpoolbecame the new home of, well, I
won't mention his name.
He received a 29 year rec for agruesome double murder,

(11:53):
described as a monster whobludgeoned his girlfriend and
her mother to death with ahammer.
He was also found guilty ofraping his girlfriend when she
was dying.
He killed the dog Tyson too.
Another hammer blow to the head.
Honestly, it's horrific and Idon't feel comfortable going

(12:16):
into detail.
My pad mate said it made himfeel sick reading about it.
Day by day, the reception hubprocesses men in and out, or out
and back in by way of trials.
There have been a few big onesspilling over from November into
December.
Now we're on the eve of verdictsand sentencing.

(12:39):
Can you believe it, but todayI've actually put up a Christmas
tree in Walton Prison and injubilant spirits.
Yo, ho, ho type of stuff.
Funeral FM was playing in thebackground, Christmas carols and
choirs.
At the same time over 20 ladsare in the QE 2 courts waiting
to hear their fate.

(13:00):
It's a huge drugs trial.
Conspiracy again.
They've all been on remand forbetween 18 months and two years,
and I fear, we all fear, thesentencing is going to be harsh.
I'm on first name terms withmost of them.
I've been here for over 10months, and regardless of
Toenail's and the posse'sattempts to derail me or have

(13:23):
the wing etc turn on me, realityis, they're on the ropes and
unpopular and I'm not full ofshit and can be trusted.
I'm stronger than ever before,but I'm falling to bits.
My newest mattress is now sunkin the middle to the point it is
one centimetre thick not sixinches.

(13:47):
It's like a non swinginghammock.
A few of the lads on trial, I'mfond of.
I fear they're in for a heftypause on future plans.
I was thinking of them when Iwas trying to make a Christmas
tree out of a box of broken bitsand tatty tinsel.
Resourcefulness always helps.

(14:07):
But I'm afraid the Christmastree looked more like a plucked
turkey uncooked on the table.
I said to Macca, the tree lookedas glum as the Glumster.
I spent two hours unravellingthe lights and another hour
trying to get them to work.
It's surreal.
By the end of the day, thereception lads were singing
Christmas carols withoutrealizing it.

(14:31):
The first big bad news was theVPs back from trial.
Straight in the holding roomwhere we used the phone.
Selfishly, I thought, there goesmy love call to T.
One asked for JC as a Listener.
That was the first giveaway.
He's facing 30 years rec formurdering a 90-year-old in a

(14:52):
drunken something or other.
I'm sure the Facebook of crimewill have it on the front pages
in the next day or so.
Lads returned from court,another sleepless night waiting
for them.
Guaranteed the only thingdistracting them from a head
fuck is the sound of thewhirring drones.
Last night they made anappearance at 9:49.

(15:14):
Even with the TV quite loud,their distinctive humming sound
could still be heard clearly.
It always makes me think ofJeremy Clarkson and the new ad
for Amazon using drones.
What an irony.
Presently, Spice seems to haveslowed down and green is back.
The place has been smelling likea cannabis convention for the

(15:37):
last few nights.
Jeremy has confirmed John Lennonis back on board.
As in the number one barrister,not the famous Beatle.
I've had to reach out to some ofmy friends to help fund the
transcripts, but with no joy sofar.
It's much more difficult to makeanything happen from inside
prison.

(15:57):
The authorities know this.
We're powerless most of the timeto make any progress.
The surprises keep coming.
I received a letter from one ofmy close friends informing me
that one of our other closefriends is probably heading to
Walton imminently, Gary theGreen, or Gaz, as we prefer to

(16:20):
call him.
He's one of the Scouse hippies.
The best I can do for now islook out for him when he lands.
He's going to be like a rabbitin the headlights, but thrilled
and relieved to see me.
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