August 10, 2025 • 17 mins
Breaking news. It's just been unofficially confirmed. Toenails departs in two days. Cat D. He's hanging on in reception by his grubby fingernails and his days are numbered. And if he's caught doing anything untoward his Cat D is over and he'll be shipped out of here.
During the three and a half years I was in prison I wrote over a million words by hand. Tales From The Jails is a contemporaneous account of my life, and attempts to thrive rather than merely survive, whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed. The events have not.
This is a Jekyll & Pride production.
Producer: Trevessa Newton
Title Music taken from The Confession, on the album Crimes Against Poetry (written and performed by The Shadow Poet, produced by Lance Thomas)
Copyright Jekyll & Pride Ltd 2025
@talesfromthejailspodcast
@jekyllandpride2023
@theshadowpoettsp
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 46 The End Of The WorstOf Times Ridiculous as it sounds
(00:41):
but the John Lewis ad forChristmas, the song, One Day
I'll Fly Away, seems more than alittle poignant, the words that
is.
I live life from dream to dreamand leave all this to yesterday.
I hold onto that thought like agrowing mantra.
(01:04):
Sadly, Christmas this year willbe cell 3-17, separated from my
loved ones, and the idea ofyesterday still being behind me
is still a long way off.
I made a comment last week tothe lads during lunch.
Why would you want to be outsidewasting your life away?
(01:27):
They found it hilarious.
I think the deadpan deliveryhelped.
We were stood facing the sun,front of a clear blue sky,
although the ground was stillfrosty.
We were waiting for the gym toempty.
D and F wings were finishingtheir once a week opportunity.
I remember thinking we're likereptiles, trying to warm our
(01:51):
blood.
In our case, a rare chance ofgrabbing some vitamin D.
Later, back in the beddingstores listening to funeral FM
and unpacking boxes of orangeblankets, one cannot avoid there
is a Christmas spirit pushed onus via the marketing people in
the commercial world, but thereality is, people are panicking
(02:16):
about how they're going to payfor it.
For most people out in the realworld, the cost of living crisis
has never left.
People generally are eitherworking to pay the bills or
working to survive.
The pressures andresponsibilities are relentless,
having to make decisions by theminute and be somewhere doing
(02:38):
something.
Here, it's different, extreme,but in the opposite direction.
The only decision most inmateshave to make in here is what
they want for lunch and tea.
Ours is a head fuck of adifferent kind.
We all miss our freedom andliberty, but make no mistake,
(03:01):
the outside world is tough.
I've watched hundreds of lads bereleased from here with nowhere
to go.
No family ties and only£46discharge grant, still paid in
cash if necessary.
Imagine leaving prison withoutsomewhere to live, without
family ties or loved ones tohelp.
(03:22):
Is it any surprise either ladsreoffend, to make some money, to
find somewhere to live, thatwithout decent education, no
form of training or skills, andthey're branded.
It's hard to make your CV lookinviting, let's be honest.
(03:42):
Or they're returning to prisonwillingly just to have a bed and
be fed regardless of how bad itis here.
Imagine then when prison is astep up from the alternative in
the real world.
(04:05):
It's the 7th of December, 2016.
I received a letter from one ofthe lads who used to work for
us.
Kris, he was one of theproduction team on Inexcess
television.
It's handwritten.
He said he hadn't written with apen and paper since back at
school.
(04:26):
He was reflective and full offab memories.
Plenty of my old sayings inquotes serving him well nowadays
he said.
He has his own thriving businessnow, and I'm really proud what
he and many of the others haveachieved since cutting their
teeth in the old Inexcess days.
Magical memories.
(04:47):
I spoke to Geoff too on thephone.
He's another who has loads oftalent and used to work for us.
He'll be a filmmaker one day.
He's super talented.
He and Kris have both remainedin my corner and it's meant a
lot, especially when one's namehas been trashed.
Inexcess was the best of me andthe best years of my life, and
(05:11):
they and many others shared inthe making of it.
It's ironic, as much as surreal,looking back to the Inexcess
period.
Six weeks before coming throughthe doors, we delivered a
conference called The Road toRecovery.
We flew Byron Katie over fromCalifornia as the key speaker
(05:31):
and guest.
She was the real deal.
It would be unfair to call her aCalifornian guru.
She was incredible, inspiringand class.
She'd written books, doneconferences, and was a regular
guest on Oprah.
She was a big fan of hers.
Katie was spell binding when upon her feet and engaging with
(05:54):
the audience or on a one-to-one.
I still remember her mantra.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true?
She's published many bestsellingbooks around self-help and love.
She breaks it down into foursimple questions.
(06:15):
One, is it true?
Two, is it absolutely true?
Three...this is where she turnsit around and asks, who are you
without that thought?
And finally, and who are youwith that thought?
Up until I descended the stairsthe footage of the day,
(06:37):
especially Katie, still lookedand sounded great.
It's aging well.
Six weeks after one of theproudest days of my life, they
came through the doors likeSWAT.
I've been thinking about the Mlads, one in particular.
He's been found guilty a fewdays back, and he's been sat in
(07:00):
with JC.
He wants to end it all.
The only people in his life arehis elderly parents, and his
father is currently in intensivecare.
He told Jay that his parentswill not be alive when he's
finally released, and so thereis nothing to live for.
(07:22):
By all accounts, it's another 20minutes of madness that ended up
in tragedy, although a90-year-old man is dead.
Murdered.
I'm always reminded, or think ofthe families and loved ones, the
victims, of course.
And then the parents or partneror children of the one found
(07:44):
guilty.
It's a mess.
Sadly, it's those outside wholove us that are suffering the
most, and the victim's familiessuffer a much greater loss
whilst guilty ones suffer atsunami of shame and stigma.
It's surreal.
(08:05):
He's 32, facing a very heavysentence, and some people love
him whilst others hate him.
Night after night, he's beenreturning from trial and
straight into the VP holdingroom.
It's often closely guarded whatthese lads are on trial for.
And because we don't communicatewith them directly, we only have
(08:27):
a whiff of what's going on.
It was only a couple of nightsago I realized who he was.
He's been returning with acouple of Pakistani or Sri
Lankan looking brothers who wereon trial, again in the VP room,
but we have no idea what for.
The only communication I have ishanding over the breakfast and
(08:49):
brew packs and milk.
I never offer them Coco Pops ifthey're in the VP room.
It's ridiculous, I know.
Today's Wednesday and it's a bigbad day for 27 lads.
The epic trial is over andsentencing begins today.
(09:11):
They'll all have had sleeplessnights, head fucks, and any
sleep probably with sweats andnightmares.
You hear the keys unlocking themat about 6.40.
Some lads are up and shouting,good luck ar kid.
Go on fella! Imagine what itmust be like to be on remand for
(09:35):
up to two years, especially ifyou're innocent.
However, for this crowd, theywere in court yesterday and the
judge indicated he's going to betough.
Apparently some lads who wereexpecting to be sentenced for a
kilogram of class A drugs, well,it shifted to five kilograms.
(09:58):
And one as a five kilo drugstrial turned into a 60 because
of being found guilty in theconspiracy on a higher level.
Imagine the tension, theanxiety, and you're completely
powerless to do or say anythingabout it.
If they were awake through thenight, then they probably heard
(10:18):
the drone at 2.32.
Another successful drop off.
This morning started with laughsmore than anything.
Rambo did an impersonation ofthe murderous Christie.
Rillington Place was on TV lastnight and it's now customary for
him the following morning tobegin with, how about a nice cup
(10:41):
of tea, Ethel?
A reference to the chillingphrase Christie used most often.
Rambo sounds exactly like himand we laugh all morning while
on our cleaning duties andpreparing for the day ahead for
the new arrivals and returnees.
Breaking news.
(11:04):
It's just been unofficiallyconfirmed.
Toenails departs in two days.
Cat D.
He's hanging on in reception byhis grubby fingernails and his
days are numbered.
And if he's caught doinganything untoward his Cat D is
over and he'll be shipped out ofhere.
(11:27):
I can hear Jayne's words ringingin my ears.
Shake his hand.
He's your finest teacher, babe.
He's given you the opportunityto shine in your own unique way,
babe.
The other ear worm that wentdown ill-timed with me was, it's
(11:48):
preparing you for somethinggreater, babe.
I remember saying to her beforedread day, really?
No sooner had I begun savouringthe exit news of Toenails when
the lads started to return fromcourt.
For some, it is gut wrenching,years longer than they
(12:09):
originally expected.
I feel sorry for Taxi John.
He was expecting to be goinghome in months and now he's
still got three to four years todo, and that's after the half
sentence allowance.
Steve-O, he's done all right andhopes he will be leaving for Cat
D with Macca in six months.
(12:32):
Blobby hasn't done well.
He's also been gettingterrorized for weeks.
More karma, reap what you sowsprings to mind when it comes to
Blobby and The Despicables.
Days like today carry an eeriefeeling, the calm before the
storm.
Camaraderie to begin with, thento anxiety and anger taking over
(12:55):
as the day progresses.
I've walked these steps and I'vefelt the emotions that fester in
the pit of your stomach.
The stress on their bodies aloneis enough to floor a person.
But eventually, at some point,soon an overwhelming sense of
(13:16):
doom begins to engulf you.
Then it's a head fuck.
What hope is there for any of usto make a better life after
being subject to such abuse andtrauma?
Prison does not equalrehabilitation.
No.
Of course, tonight and for manymoons, lads will be filled with
(13:39):
regrets, and prison is a toxicannihilator of men whether good
or not.
There is laughter in the holdingroom, but I sense that it is
only masking the pain, fear, andanxiety.
It's the eyes that are thegiveaway, not the laughs.
(14:00):
Men looking broken, beaten,afraid, and lost.
I understand the public willhave little sympathy, but maybe
if they saw how bad it is here,how the process, the system, is
badly broken and that those whomay wish to rehabilitate whilst
in prison have no opportunities,encouragement, or support.
(14:27):
How does the justice system andthe public expect to churn out
reformed characters willing tomake a positive contribution to
society when they're treated asbadly and as poorly as abused
animals?
If it isn't the physical,violent threat then it's
certainly the psychologicaleffect men endure in these
(14:49):
places.
Prison releases men and womensuffering with trauma and PTSD.
Some of the lads have told methey're scared of the papers
tomorrow.
Especially for their familiesand loved ones, the guilt and
shame and stigma that is bornout of these situations.
(15:12):
The Liverpool Echo, forinstance, is the Facebook of
crime and it tears innocentfamilies apart.
Of course, I can hear the shoutsof, they should have known
better, and often that is true,but families and loved ones are
innocent victims unnecessarilycaught up in the fallout.
(15:37):
Steve-O's last words on the wayback to the wing were, I'm
shattered.
I respected his honesty.
He was glad to get out of theholding room and away from the
fools laughing.
Blobby was somehow proud he hadbeen labelled as a prolific
courier.
(15:57):
I thought prolific fool was moreappropriate.
There are other Welsh ladscaught up in this too.
They haven't returned yet.
Everyone expects them to beslammed hard.
By the time we finished tonightmost of the lads have been
sentenced.
(16:17):
I managed to get a call to Tbefore we left work.
I told her Toenails is going.
Interestingly, he was quiet whenwe did the walk back to our
cells.
Usually when a lad receives thenews, they can't keep quiet
about it.
He knows the next 48 hours arecrucial.
(16:37):
Absolutely anything can happenand anyone can throw you under
the bus to derail your exit.
I can be certain of this.
No matter how noisy it istonight, I'll sleep better than
him.
He isn't popular and he'sworried, but for me, it's the
(16:59):
beginning of the end of theworst of times.
During the three and a halfyears I was in prison, I wrote
(00:03):
over a million words by hand.
Tales from the Jails is acontemporaneous account of my
life, and attempts to thriverather than merely survive
whilst incarcerated.
Most names have been changed,but the events have not.
Episode 46 The End Of The WorstOf Times Ridiculous as it sounds
(00:41):
but the John Lewis ad forChristmas, the song, One Day
I'll Fly Away, seems more than alittle poignant, the words that
is.
I live life from dream to dreamand leave all this to yesterday.
I hold onto that thought like agrowing mantra.
(01:04):
Sadly, Christmas this year willbe cell 3-17, separated from my
loved ones, and the idea ofyesterday still being behind me
is still a long way off.
I made a comment last week tothe lads during lunch.
Why would you want to be outsidewasting your life away?
(01:27):
They found it hilarious.
I think the deadpan deliveryhelped.
We were stood facing the sun,front of a clear blue sky,
although the ground was stillfrosty.
We were waiting for the gym toempty.
D and F wings were finishingtheir once a week opportunity.
I remember thinking we're likereptiles, trying to warm our
(01:51):
blood.
In our case, a rare chance ofgrabbing some vitamin D.
Later, back in the beddingstores listening to funeral FM
and unpacking boxes of orangeblankets, one cannot avoid there
is a Christmas spirit pushed onus via the marketing people in
the commercial world, but thereality is, people are panicking
(02:16):
about how they're going to payfor it.
For most people out in the realworld, the cost of living crisis
has never left.
People generally are eitherworking to pay the bills or
working to survive.
The pressures andresponsibilities are relentless,
having to make decisions by theminute and be somewhere doing
(02:38):
something.
Here, it's different, extreme,but in the opposite direction.
The only decision most inmateshave to make in here is what
they want for lunch and tea.
Ours is a head fuck of adifferent kind.
We all miss our freedom andliberty, but make no mistake,
(03:01):
the outside world is tough.
I've watched hundreds of lads bereleased from here with nowhere
to go.
No family ties and only£46discharge grant, still paid in
cash if necessary.
Imagine leaving prison withoutsomewhere to live, without
family ties or loved ones tohelp.
(03:22):
Is it any surprise either ladsreoffend, to make some money, to
find somewhere to live, thatwithout decent education, no
form of training or skills, andthey're branded.
It's hard to make your CV lookinviting, let's be honest.
(03:42):
Or they're returning to prisonwillingly just to have a bed and
be fed regardless of how bad itis here.
Imagine then when prison is astep up from the alternative in
the real world.
(04:05):
It's the 7th of December, 2016.
I received a letter from one ofthe lads who used to work for
us.
Kris, he was one of theproduction team on Inexcess
television.
It's handwritten.
He said he hadn't written with apen and paper since back at
school.
(04:26):
He was reflective and full offab memories.
Plenty of my old sayings inquotes serving him well nowadays
he said.
He has his own thriving businessnow, and I'm really proud what
he and many of the others haveachieved since cutting their
teeth in the old Inexcess days.
Magical memories.
(04:47):
I spoke to Geoff too on thephone.
He's another who has loads oftalent and used to work for us.
He'll be a filmmaker one day.
He's super talented.
He and Kris have both remainedin my corner and it's meant a
lot, especially when one's namehas been trashed.
Inexcess was the best of me andthe best years of my life, and
(05:11):
they and many others shared inthe making of it.
It's ironic, as much as surreal,looking back to the Inexcess
period.
Six weeks before coming throughthe doors, we delivered a
conference called The Road toRecovery.
We flew Byron Katie over fromCalifornia as the key speaker
(05:31):
and guest.
She was the real deal.
It would be unfair to call her aCalifornian guru.
She was incredible, inspiringand class.
She'd written books, doneconferences, and was a regular
guest on Oprah.
She was a big fan of hers.
Katie was spell binding when upon her feet and engaging with
(05:54):
the audience or on a one-to-one.
I still remember her mantra.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true?
She's published many bestsellingbooks around self-help and love.
She breaks it down into foursimple questions.
(06:15):
One, is it true?
Two, is it absolutely true?
Three...this is where she turnsit around and asks, who are you
without that thought?
And finally, and who are youwith that thought?
Up until I descended the stairsthe footage of the day,
(06:37):
especially Katie, still lookedand sounded great.
It's aging well.
Six weeks after one of theproudest days of my life, they
came through the doors likeSWAT.
I've been thinking about the Mlads, one in particular.
He's been found guilty a fewdays back, and he's been sat in
(07:00):
with JC.
He wants to end it all.
The only people in his life arehis elderly parents, and his
father is currently in intensivecare.
He told Jay that his parentswill not be alive when he's
finally released, and so thereis nothing to live for.
(07:22):
By all accounts, it's another 20minutes of madness that ended up
in tragedy, although a90-year-old man is dead.
Murdered.
I'm always reminded, or think ofthe families and loved ones, the
victims, of course.
And then the parents or partneror children of the one found
(07:44):
guilty.
It's a mess.
Sadly, it's those outside wholove us that are suffering the
most, and the victim's familiessuffer a much greater loss
whilst guilty ones suffer atsunami of shame and stigma.
It's surreal.
(08:05):
He's 32, facing a very heavysentence, and some people love
him whilst others hate him.
Night after night, he's beenreturning from trial and
straight into the VP holdingroom.
It's often closely guarded whatthese lads are on trial for.
And because we don't communicatewith them directly, we only have
(08:27):
a whiff of what's going on.
It was only a couple of nightsago I realized who he was.
He's been returning with acouple of Pakistani or Sri
Lankan looking brothers who wereon trial, again in the VP room,
but we have no idea what for.
The only communication I have ishanding over the breakfast and
(08:49):
brew packs and milk.
I never offer them Coco Pops ifthey're in the VP room.
It's ridiculous, I know.
Today's Wednesday and it's a bigbad day for 27 lads.
The epic trial is over andsentencing begins today.
(09:11):
They'll all have had sleeplessnights, head fucks, and any
sleep probably with sweats andnightmares.
You hear the keys unlocking themat about 6.40.
Some lads are up and shouting,good luck ar kid.
Go on fella! Imagine what itmust be like to be on remand for
(09:35):
up to two years, especially ifyou're innocent.
However, for this crowd, theywere in court yesterday and the
judge indicated he's going to betough.
Apparently some lads who wereexpecting to be sentenced for a
kilogram of class A drugs, well,it shifted to five kilograms.
(09:58):
And one as a five kilo drugstrial turned into a 60 because
of being found guilty in theconspiracy on a higher level.
Imagine the tension, theanxiety, and you're completely
powerless to do or say anythingabout it.
If they were awake through thenight, then they probably heard
(10:18):
the drone at 2.32.
Another successful drop off.
This morning started with laughsmore than anything.
Rambo did an impersonation ofthe murderous Christie.
Rillington Place was on TV lastnight and it's now customary for
him the following morning tobegin with, how about a nice cup
(10:41):
of tea, Ethel?
A reference to the chillingphrase Christie used most often.
Rambo sounds exactly like himand we laugh all morning while
on our cleaning duties andpreparing for the day ahead for
the new arrivals and returnees.
Breaking news.
(11:04):
It's just been unofficiallyconfirmed.
Toenails departs in two days.
Cat D.
He's hanging on in reception byhis grubby fingernails and his
days are numbered.
And if he's caught doinganything untoward his Cat D is
over and he'll be shipped out ofhere.
(11:27):
I can hear Jayne's words ringingin my ears.
Shake his hand.
He's your finest teacher, babe.
He's given you the opportunityto shine in your own unique way,
babe.
The other ear worm that wentdown ill-timed with me was, it's
(11:48):
preparing you for somethinggreater, babe.
I remember saying to her beforedread day, really?
No sooner had I begun savouringthe exit news of Toenails when
the lads started to return fromcourt.
For some, it is gut wrenching,years longer than they
(12:09):
originally expected.
I feel sorry for Taxi John.
He was expecting to be goinghome in months and now he's
still got three to four years todo, and that's after the half
sentence allowance.
Steve-O, he's done all right andhopes he will be leaving for Cat
D with Macca in six months.
(12:32):
Blobby hasn't done well.
He's also been gettingterrorized for weeks.
More karma, reap what you sowsprings to mind when it comes to
Blobby and The Despicables.
Days like today carry an eeriefeeling, the calm before the
storm.
Camaraderie to begin with, thento anxiety and anger taking over
(12:55):
as the day progresses.
I've walked these steps and I'vefelt the emotions that fester in
the pit of your stomach.
The stress on their bodies aloneis enough to floor a person.
But eventually, at some point,soon an overwhelming sense of
(13:16):
doom begins to engulf you.
Then it's a head fuck.
What hope is there for any of usto make a better life after
being subject to such abuse andtrauma?
Prison does not equalrehabilitation.
No.
Of course, tonight and for manymoons, lads will be filled with
(13:39):
regrets, and prison is a toxicannihilator of men whether good
or not.
There is laughter in the holdingroom, but I sense that it is
only masking the pain, fear, andanxiety.
It's the eyes that are thegiveaway, not the laughs.
(14:00):
Men looking broken, beaten,afraid, and lost.
I understand the public willhave little sympathy, but maybe
if they saw how bad it is here,how the process, the system, is
badly broken and that those whomay wish to rehabilitate whilst
in prison have no opportunities,encouragement, or support.
(14:27):
How does the justice system andthe public expect to churn out
reformed characters willing tomake a positive contribution to
society when they're treated asbadly and as poorly as abused
animals?
If it isn't the physical,violent threat then it's
certainly the psychologicaleffect men endure in these
(14:49):
places.
Prison releases men and womensuffering with trauma and PTSD.
Some of the lads have told methey're scared of the papers
tomorrow.
Especially for their familiesand loved ones, the guilt and
shame and stigma that is bornout of these situations.
(15:12):
The Liverpool Echo, forinstance, is the Facebook of
crime and it tears innocentfamilies apart.
Of course, I can hear the shoutsof, they should have known
better, and often that is true,but families and loved ones are
innocent victims unnecessarilycaught up in the fallout.
(15:37):
Steve-O's last words on the wayback to the wing were, I'm
shattered.
I respected his honesty.
He was glad to get out of theholding room and away from the
fools laughing.
Blobby was somehow proud he hadbeen labelled as a prolific
courier.
(15:57):
I thought prolific fool was moreappropriate.
There are other Welsh ladscaught up in this too.
They haven't returned yet.
Everyone expects them to beslammed hard.
By the time we finished tonightmost of the lads have been
sentenced.
(16:17):
I managed to get a call to Tbefore we left work.
I told her Toenails is going.
Interestingly, he was quiet whenwe did the walk back to our
cells.
Usually when a lad receives thenews, they can't keep quiet
about it.
He knows the next 48 hours arecrucial.
(16:37):
Absolutely anything can happenand anyone can throw you under
the bus to derail your exit.
I can be certain of this.
No matter how noisy it istonight, I'll sleep better than
him.
He isn't popular and he'sworried, but for me, it's the
(16:59):
beginning of the end of theworst of times.
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