May 12, 2025 • 30 mins
Sadriana Zea is a disabled writer, traditional media artist, and Twitch streamer dedicated to mental health awareness and supporting nonprofits that help people live a life worth living. She lives with her two cats in the US in Cleveland, Ohio. Like many people with an abundance of time on her hands, her hobby is collecting hobbies. She reads, crochets, does counted cross stitch and other fibre arts, and plays games of all sorts (especially video games and D&D). Sadriana is currently working on her first novel, a fantasy story about a race of people with tangible gods, prophecies, and good versus evil.
Learn more and explore her work at: https://twitch.tv/sadrianazea
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Finbarre Snarey (00:19):
Tarot Interviews.
Welcome to Tarot Interviews.
I'm your host, finn, and todaywe're joined by the multifaceted
Sadriana Zea, based in the USA.
Sadriana is a gamer and awriter, a big fan of Dragon Age
(00:43):
Origins, sims 4 and Minecraft.
Today, we'll let the tarotguide us through a discussion on
whatever comes up, whether itbe mental health, writing or the
unique ways we connect in anever-changing world.
Let's shuffle the deck andbegin.
How are you doing, lovely?
Sadriana Zea (00:58):
I'm doing well, thank you.
How are you?
Finbarre Snarey (01:00):
I'm not bad at all, I'm just shuffling these
cards.
Whereabouts in the US are youbased?
Cleveland, ohio, cleveland?
Well, I lived in Cleveland,middlesbrough, which is probably
quite different.
Sadriana Zea (01:10):
Probably.
Finbarre Snarey (01:13):
My knowledge of American pop culture is pretty
limited, but when I was a kid Iused to read these books called
Fat Freddy's Cat and it was thiscartoon about the Freak
Brothers, and I think theymentioned Cleveland, Ohio, as
being like one of the secondlayers of hell.
I've never been.
Sadriana Zea (01:27):
I've been trying to escape my whole life.
Finbarre Snarey (01:29):
Oh, bless you.
Sadriana Zea (01:30):
It's cold and wet and gray most of the year, so
like that's got its downside andthen I live in England.
Right, but when I say cold andyou say cold, we're not saying
the same kind of thing.
Finbarre Snarey (01:46):
Well, I mean mean I would measure fahrenheit
against celsius, but fahrenheitdoesn't mean much to me.
But so, for example, if youwere to go outside wearing a
t-shirt and shorts, what wouldyour life expectancy be?
Sadriana Zea (01:57):
in like the winter here, yeah, hours, okay, it's
like we hover in the winter.
We hover around five to seven C, so it's cold and there's snow.
Yuck, yeah, it's very cold andthere's snowy and then it's just
so interminably gray.
And I know England gets a lotof red and it's kind of
(02:18):
interminably gray too, butthere's still a lot of green and
we don't have a lot of greenhere.
Finbarre Snarey (02:23):
And I can imagine that since the beginning
of 2025, things are probablyless great, am I thinking?
Sadriana Zea (02:29):
oh yeah, no, it's warble.
The country is on fire,literally and figuratively, and
it's been like bad news bears umall the way around sorry, bad
news bears.
Finbarre Snarey (02:42):
What are bad news bears?
They're like the Care Bears,but with like really sad emojis
on the front.
Sadriana Zea (02:50):
I mean, you can make them that way.
It's just a phrase to say thatthings are not well.
I think that one might be ame-ism.
Truthfully, I don't know howmany people say bad news bears.
I say a lot of things like sexbunnies and you say look sex
bunnies or son of a motherlessgoat.
Especially when I'm trying notto swear, these things come out
(03:11):
so they're kind of me-isms okay.
Finbarre Snarey (03:12):
So I've been on this planet for nearly 40
something years.
I've never heard any of thosephrases uttered by anybody, ever
in my life right, which makesthem me-isms.
Sadriana Zea (03:22):
Yeah, I like them though if I haven't had a few
me-isms.
It helps with like breaking theice and you know people talking
and you need your own versionof duo lingo that would.
That would be funny bless youright.
Finbarre Snarey (03:38):
Well, this is me, I'm Fin hi um.
Thank you so much forresponding to whatever it was
that I put on Blue Sky.
Sadriana Zea (03:45):
Not a problem.
It was really an interestingpremise and I was like this is a
thing I could do.
I could have fun with this.
Finbarre Snarey (03:52):
Thank you so much for joining us.
Right, I have so many questionsand those will be woven into
the cards that we pull, but whatI'm going to do is I've got my
deck here, this is the RiderWaite, and I'm going to keep
shuffling until you say stop.
Right, can you describe whatyou see?
Sadriana Zea (04:15):
Looks like the Eight of Cups.
I don't know what the Eight ofCups stands for, but it's
actually really neat art, isn't?
Finbarre Snarey (04:22):
it.
Sadriana Zea (04:22):
With the cups stacked on the bottom and the
hiker.
Finbarre Snarey (04:26):
Okay, it's actually really neat art with
the cup stacked on the bottomand the hiker Okay.
So the eight of cups that yousee there just describe the
scene, and I'm very curious toknow what your intuition says
about this particular car.
You don't have to know theactual meanings and don't worry
about that at all, but what'syour impression and what are
your feelings that you get?
Sadriana Zea (04:39):
Since it has a hiker, kind of going through
mountainous or hilly terrain,kind of see it as me being on a
tough path right now, whichmakes sense because I'm trying
to recover from a recent mentalhealth episode.
Things are not the easiestright now and I'm facing a major
med change, which those arealways hard because once you
(04:59):
don't know what's working andyou have to start scrapping
stuff, you usually have a periodof time that it gets worse
before it gets better.
So that's kind of my instincton it that I'm on this kind of
rocky path and hopefully theother side of it will be a
little easier.
Finbarre Snarey (05:16):
I think the traditional interpretation of
the Eight of Cups is somethinglike a journey of emotional
growth and transformation, amoment where you recognize that
something no longer serves youand it prompts you to walk away
in search of deeper meaning andfulfillment.
So, with that in mind, the ideaof walking away, my first
question to you is going to behave you ever abandoned a game
(05:36):
or a project for the sake ofpersonal growth?
Sadriana Zea (05:39):
Ooh, that's not for long.
Finbarre Snarey (05:43):
That's the trouble with Baldur's Gate.
It just lures you back it does.
Sadriana Zea (05:47):
I'm playing One on stream right now, and I'll
just get one yeah, because Idecided I was going to go
through the franchise, which iswhy I say like nothing is ever a
short term with me.
Uh, yeah, so I started with oneand it's I don't remember
playing second.
I did play second edition AD&D,but I didn't like I don't
remember the rules, so it's it'sextra challenging.
(06:09):
I've been fortunate that peoplehave been interested in it and
come in and like kind of helpedme get through it.
Yeah, I don't abandon thingsfor long.
I have, like, for example, ababy blanket that I have been
working on for long enough thatthe baby is in double digits, or
a new person to gift it to, andI like I'll do it for a while
and then I'll put it downbecause I need to focus on
(06:30):
something else and then I'llpick it back up.
My hobby is collecting hobbies,so I kind of rotate through them
as the need arises and as theysort of serve my purpose.
Games are very similar.
I'll rotate through based onwhat is kind of helping me cope
or not cope.
If it's something that I haveto let go of for now because
it's painful or I need to kindof move in a direction around it
(06:55):
, then I do that.
The best example I have isStardew Valley, of all things.
I used to play it with mypartners and then when those
partners left me, I found Icouldn't play it anymore.
I'll go back to it someday, I'msure, but I need to be a little
more distant from thosefeelings and that pain before I
can entertain that.
So that's kind of the closest Ican say, that I have walked
(07:16):
away from something for my owngrowth and nothing is ever
permanent.
Finbarre Snarey (07:20):
When you mentioned Stardew Valley, you
mentioned the partners that youassociated with the game.
Were there particular peoplewithin the game that reminded
you of them, or did you normallyspend time with those people
playing Stardew Valley, or wasit just that particular time in
your life that it reminded you?
Sadriana Zea (07:36):
So we all had a farm together.
I don't know how much you knowabout Stardew Valley, but it's a
farming game and you can haveother people join you on your
farm to all play together.
So the three of us playedtogether I'm Poly, so the three
of us played together and wespent a lot of hours in it.
There were a lot of firsts inthe game that I hadn't seen,
(07:56):
even though they had played moreof it.
I felt so connected to thistime that we spent together that
I would start the game and tryand play by myself or try to
play with someone else, and itwould rush back memories and
brush back feelings that I kindof couldn't cope with at the
time.
So I just needed to put thegame down and until I could get
a little more distance, I'm sureI will go back to it because I
(08:18):
want to see the end of the.
Well, it's not the end, butlike I want to get through the
plot of the game.
It's not been something that'shigh on my priority list right
now.
Lately it's been more creative,tangible, creative ventures and
incorporating community into mystreams, so that I can kind of
grow past those breakups andloss of community.
Probably breakups suck, likebreakups suck in general, but
(08:42):
when you lose more than oneperson at a time or you lose a
sense of community that you had,like, there's just a brutality
to it that I have not had withsingular breakups.
So it was just such a sense ofloss and it rearranged so much
of my life.
So walking away from that meantwalking away from some hobbies
for now, but I will go back tothem when I feel better
(09:17):
no-transcript.
Finbarre Snarey (09:19):
I think for many of my poly friends the big
dream there is to have almostlike a kind of like a Hamlet
setup.
You have your big house in themiddle of the village and you
have all the little housesdotted around, and of course
that's something that you canobtain in Stardew Valley, as far
as I understand.
I haven't really played it morethan 10 minutes than one person
(09:47):
in a single playthrough.
Sadriana Zea (09:47):
I'm not sure how far you can take those romantic
interests and if they stay intheir own homes or they move
into your home or how that works.
I haven't succeeded in thatpart of the game.
I can see why.
I can see why it would bechallenging.
Well, any game that has monogamyas a focus can be challenging
for Polly, because it's just nothow it works in our brain,
right like our brain is set upto love so many people and to
(10:08):
care about so many people aroundus and to have that deep sense
of connection that monogamouslike you could only like one
person, you can only focus onthis.
One person is so foreign, evenhaving done it like I'm on.
I am married, so I have had themonogamous relationship before
and it didn't like it rubbed.
(10:31):
I don't want to be someone'ssoul, everything I can't.
There's just too many needsthat I'm not going to be able to
meet, whereas I can be part ofan ecosystem that meets
everyone's needs.
And as long as everyone hastheir needs met, then we can be
a healthy, well-bounded system.
Finbarre Snarey (10:52):
That's a beautiful way of thinking about
it.
I was just thinking the idea ofsay you like cake and you like
lemon meringue pie, the idea ofthinking well, I like lemon
meringue pie, therefore I cannothave the apple turnover.
I must never have thatchocolate shoe bun.
It must always be the cake thatI have chosen.
No, I like that idea.
Sadriana Zea (11:13):
Yeah, it's no.
One person is going to meetevery need.
It's just not possible.
And I know a lot of people thatare monogamous, that are happy
because they found someone thatthinks the same way as they do.
I just find for myself thatthat stress of being someone's
everything and then makingsomeone else my everything just
(11:35):
rubs so hard Like it's a littlechafing.
Finbarre Snarey (11:42):
Have you always been poly, or is this something
that has come into being sinceyou've started to prioritize
things more?
Sadriana Zea (11:50):
Um, it evolved I and after my marriage ended, he
up and left and was like I'mnever coming back.
And I'm like what are youtalking about?
We promised forever I've bentover backwards to make this work
and I don't understand how youcan just leave, know how to not
(12:19):
love people.
I had always, to that point,heard of poly as kind of an
excuse to cheat versus awell-based, built on honesty and
communication kind of setup.
Everyone I knew just use it asa free for all to hurt the
others that they were with.
I met somebody who was likethat's not how it's done, let's
talk about how it's really done.
It kind of opened up what Ialready knew wasn't working to a
possibility of like what couldbe, because I knew that I don't
(12:42):
stop loving people.
I knew that I had the abilityto love more than one person and
to be connected to more thanone person and to care about a
group of people.
But I didn't know what it wascalled at first.
And something about how societyhas evolved has really helped,
because when I was in school,you liked the same bits, you
liked the opposite bits, youliked both bits or you liked
(13:04):
none of the bits.
Now it's you like the same bits, you like the opposite bits,
you like all the bits, you likenone of the bits and you want
your soul and I'm very much aperson who wants your soul.
I want to be connected and havethat deep connection and have
that bond where we can growtogether as our own people and
still be together as a couple ortrouble, throuple or like, yes,
(13:28):
trouble, or, you know, have ourother people that I'm not
connected to and still have ourbond.
Finbarre Snarey (13:36):
That makes a lot of sense.
Or, however, those setups andstructures change over time and
I imagine they would whensomebody may find that they are
no longer attracted to so-and-soin such a way but have grown
closer to another person withinthat setup, I can imagine things
ebb and flow.
Sadriana Zea (13:51):
Yeah, there's a lot of ebb and flow.
There's a lot of people that Ithat first person.
I was not connected to theirother partner at all.
I knew that other partnerexisted.
I knew when they went to visitlike I cause it was all long
distance.
That's what happens when you'reon the internet.
I don't need to be connected toeveryone as long as I know,
honestly, where things stand,what kinds of relationships for
(14:12):
my own health and wellbeing, andI need to know what kind of
relationship you have with aperson.
But I don't need to be involvedin all the details.
I don't need to be dating themtoo.
If I'm dating them too great,if I'm not dating them too great
.
It's just really about thehonesty and communication and
continuing to grow together andcontinue to grow as people.
Finbarre Snarey (14:33):
Yeah, that's an excellent and eye-opening
answer.
Thank you so much for that.
And that was only the firstcard.
We've still got two more to go.
So I'm gonna shuffle away, I'mgonna keep shuffling away and,
again, like before, tell me whento stop.
What do you see?
Sadriana Zea (14:56):
Oh, is this a nine of rods?
Finbarre Snarey (15:00):
Yeah, the nine of rods, wands, batons, staves.
Sadriana Zea (15:05):
There's a person on the card kind of clinging to
one of them in particular whichis interesting to me.
Surrounded by all of them,there's this one that they seem
to be connected to.
I've been struggling since thebreakups of letting go of that
partnership, so I can kind ofsee it as being that difficulty
in letting go which kind of goesinto that whole hard emotional
(15:27):
growth path.
There's so much to let go of asyou move forward and to have
you know options and directionsbecause you could weave through
between those rods in any place.
Imagine you can go somewheredifferent in any direction.
It's kind of an interesting.
I don't know what it meansnormally, but that's what I'm
taking from it.
Finbarre Snarey (15:48):
I think you've summed it up wonderfully.
I think if I was to bottle upthe meaning, for me it would be
if you're feeling battle-wornbut unwilling to give up, the
Nine of Wands tells you to holdfirm.
I was just looking up aparticular quote by Calvin
Coolidge which I think reallygoes with the card.
(16:09):
It's the one that goes Nothingin this world can take the place
of persistence.
Talent will not.
Nothing is more common thanunsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not Unrewarded.
Genius is almost a proverb.
That's what I thought of when Isaw that card.
Right, so this means that youneed to get another question, as
(16:37):
the card represents resiliencewhat keeps you going when you
hit a creative block or a gamingfrustration?
Sadriana Zea (16:43):
Other people, for the most part For games, because
then you can turn to resources,be it the people in chat with
me or look on the internet tosomething somebody already wrote
.
So when it's a roadblockspecifically, specifically, with
games, it's generally otherpeople.
When it's a roadblock to mycreativity, when it's like for
my writing or you know, aproject is just not rubbing the
(17:05):
right way, usually what gets methrough those moments is my cats
, like the one above my head Icould see something moving in
the background.
Finbarre Snarey (17:13):
I don't want to ask what that was.
I wasn't sure if it was just afriendly shadow.
Sadriana Zea (17:18):
No, that is my cat , my void.
That's what I've heard blackcats called as voids.
So it's my black cat.
Something about having someoneelse looking out for you like
having they're dependent on meso completely.
I make sure that they'rehealthy, I make sure that they
have what they need, I make surethat they get love and support,
(17:45):
and having something that'sdepending on me makes me want to
keep fighting through.
Having a terminal healthdiagnosis has meant that I had
to find not just meaning to thelife that I have, but I had to
find peace with the fact thatit's short.
I don't have forever.
It's really easy to get lost inthe sauce when we're young and
like I've got forever.
30 years is a lifetime.
30 years is not a lifetime.
To be okay with the fact thatyou know what you're on borrowed
(18:08):
time.
You have to make it count.
Even if it only counts for youand the cats, it has to count.
I lean on them heavily, likethey're an emotional support
that I can't really replace.
I let that be kind of myguiding force of of how do I get
through the next big challenge.
Games are honestly the easiestone to go to because you go to
(18:30):
the internet, you find thesolution and even if the
solution frustrates you, you doit and then you're on to the
next thing.
I find roadblocks to creativityso much harder.
I find getting that, gettingthe discipline of actually like
pouring that creativity outbecause it lives in my head all
the time.
I have a slew of charactersthat tell me about their life
(18:52):
stories, but not like psychosis,that's a different problem.
But my characters have alwaystaken on their own life and kind
of told me the story that I'mwriting how do those characters
manifest?
Finbarre Snarey (19:04):
You imagine them in the room with you to as
you're writing.
Sadriana Zea (19:08):
It's like they take over what happens it's not
like a takeover, uh, that wouldbe more of like a a
disassociative identity disorderproblem and that would be a
mental health issue.
It's more that they kind ofthey kind of come into being as
I start to write the story, likeI start to set up the setting,
and they kind of interjectthemselves internally and take
(19:30):
the story by the hand and kindof like this is what I do, this
is how I feel, this is myreality.
And then as I write that and itunfolds, I ask questions and
that character answers kind ofin their own voice.
It's not an immediate thing,it's kind of a process over time
.
But yeah, it's, it's.
(19:50):
It's always up there.
There's always a story to tell.
It's just getting them out ontothe paper.
Finbarre Snarey (19:57):
Yeah I wish I, I wish I had that particular
talent.
In rare moments of inspirationthere'll be that particular poem
that just needs to get itselfout.
It could be any way, it couldbe.
In fact I find it easiest if Ijust get you know the kind of
the the back of a receipt or ascrunched up bit of paper from
(20:18):
my pocket and get it down.
But once it's out it's done andI have to wait until the next
lightning bolt strikes.
But I like the idea of havingthat guide that you've just
described.
Sadriana Zea (20:29):
Getting past the I'm waiting for inspiration is
probably the hardest roadblockfor creativity, because if
you're waiting for inspirationto strike, you miss all
opportunities and oh, that's me.
Finbarre Snarey (20:40):
That's me, hi, I'm waiting.
It's right here right.
Sadriana Zea (20:46):
But if you, if you observe the way that your
thoughts are, you can put downrandom thoughts in poetry, since
you're not necessarily havingto rhyme.
You're not necessarily havingto rhyme, you're not necessarily
having to have the most cleverturn of phrase, it's just the
act of putting your observations, your feelings out on the paper
, even if it's not the best workyou've ever written.
(21:06):
That's what editing is forGetting it out when there's no
sense of inspiration, whenthere's no quick quip of phrase,
and just trying it, just divingin and just trying it is the
hardest thing to get past, asfar as actually getting the
creativity out and making itpart of an ongoing process.
It's been hard for me.
(21:27):
I am no pro at it.
I took classes and the classeshad deadlines and that was the
big part of getting past thewaiting for inspiration.
Because if I just wait forinspiration, I will never write.
Have enough stories in my headto entertain me and then when
they entertain me to a certainpoint and they're done, like
they've told me their story,it's not on the page yet.
(21:49):
I still have to write it, butit's concluded.
So if I'm waiting for thatinspiration to just drag the
story along, I'll never writethem how I want to live my life
with just this kind of piled inmy head and no one else to share
it with.
Finbarre Snarey (22:03):
In terms of your process.
Do you jot things down incountless notebooks?
Do you have the one specificplace that you go to, something
as old-fashioned as a typewriter?
Pop them in Notepad.
How do you get those ideas down?
Sadriana Zea (22:16):
So it depends on what we're talking about.
I do a lot of flash fiction,which is just me sitting down 10
, 15 minutes and writing a shortstory based on a prompt.
I find, or something thatprompted me, flash fiction is
very much just a one and done.
You edit it, but like it's,it's a moment, it's that like
waiting for inspiration.
You read the prompt, you getinspired, you write the story.
Finbarre Snarey (22:39):
OK, so card number three.
Let's see what you get thistime.
Tell me when we need to stop.
Sadriana Zea (22:45):
I'll try and be more patient this time.
Oh well then, Wow.
Finbarre Snarey (22:53):
Okay, describe the card that you've got.
Sadriana Zea (22:55):
I got Death.
Finbarre Snarey (22:57):
You got Death.
Sadriana Zea (23:07):
I don't know that I was prepared for that one.
Um, it is a dark soldier on ahorse, surrounded by death, uh,
and carrying a black flag.
Interestingly enough, there's alot of, there's a lot of death
in my life that I'm still likewrestling with.
We have the ended.
We have my sense of wellnessbeing a terminal diagnosis.
We have changes in familyrelationships that are trying to
(23:31):
negotiate whether I'm going tocut off my brother or whether
I'm going to continue in whatseems to be an unhealthy
relationship.
There's just a lot of chaos andupheaval in my life right now
that I'm trying to navigate,which is the first thing that
comes to mind when we talk aboutdeath, not necessarily like the
oh I'm going to die tomorrowmoment.
(23:52):
There's so much change.
Hell, I'm going to have a majormed change in a couple of weeks
and that's going to be its ownsort of little death because as
the meds go out, your feelingschange and your symptoms change
and then the new meds come inand hopefully relieve that.
But it's its own sort of minideath as you kind of transfer
(24:14):
from like what was to what isgoing to be absolutely, I mean
it.
Finbarre Snarey (24:19):
I've heard the minor arcana described as being
the four elements and the majorarcana is being the fifth and
that of spirit or soul, and ofcourse, this is a transition.
It could be relationships,career beliefs or personal
identity, but something that isutterly profound.
So it's not a card to be lookedat lightly, but you're
absolutely right.
(24:40):
And, uh, when it came up, I Ithink I laughed out of shock
more than anything, but, um, Iwas thinking, please don't be
something like the death.
Oh no, it's the death card.
Here we are, but that embracingof transformation is something
that you've just described sovividly and wonderfully.
So on that, let me think.
So, on the subject of lettinggo, has there been a time where
(25:02):
leaving one community hasbrought you into another and
helped you grow?
Sadriana Zea (25:08):
I think there's some communities that have come
full circle.
When I first got on Twitch in2020, as a viewer, there was a
sense of needing a home, needingconnection, and the whole world
had flooded to the Internetbecause we were all in our homes
.
Yeah, I was already on theInternet a lot because I'm
disabled, so I spend a lot oftime kind of trying to connect
(25:31):
with people from what I can do.
So I was already there and thenhere comes the whole world
joining my party and I wanted tofind places to belong.
I found some small communitiesthat I stuck with that then
drifted as I was dating.
Because there is something thatthere's something to be said
(25:52):
about developing relationshipsand how they kind of take you
away from communities and buildyou into different communities
and restructure your life.
With those relationships ending, I needed to find a place to go
back to, and so I've gone backto some of those smaller
communities and made some newconnections and kind of tried to
(26:12):
embrace that change.
One of the communities that Iwas part of when I was dating
was the Magic the Gatheringcommunity, because I'm such a
nerd I mean I do D&D and Magicthe Gathering and video games,
like I'm such a nerd but when Ibroke up with well, when they
broke up with me, I found myselfstuck and unable to really
navigate that space withoutrunning into them.
(26:32):
So I ended up having to walkaway completely from a whole
collection of people that Ireally care about and hope for
the best for them.
But it's just not good for meto continue to try and and
navigate that and knock on thatdoor when it's barking at the
wrong table.
People take sides, takejudgments like it's just what
(26:54):
happens when people lose, leavecommunities.
So I've had those communitiescome full circle.
Where I was with them before Istarted dating, had a nice
little date time gone back tothem.
Letting go of people is probablythe hardest thing because, as I
mentioned before, I don't stoploving people and I still want
the best for them and I stillwant to know they're okay.
(27:16):
And when people draw lines likedon't ever contact me again, it
becomes very jarring and verypainful and kind of requires
some of that also experiencedisability, that also experience
emotional frustrations and cancome together and connect,
(27:46):
knowing that we're safe for eachother because we have common
experiences, not just in thecommon experience of the game
that I'm playing, but the commonexperience of like my life is
hard and the world's on fire.
And how do I navigate this whenI don't want to be alone,
because nobody wants to be alone?
We're not built to be alone forgood.
We're built to have quiet timeand our alone time, but we're
(28:08):
not built to be completely alonefor the most part.
Yeah, and letting go is a toughone.
Really, it's not the instinctthat I have.
My instinct is to claw andfight and keep things going and
trying to continue to grow andtrying to continue to be with
the people I love, and sometimesit's just not.
(28:32):
Sometimes letting go is yourhealth, sometimes letting go is
like your mental state.
Those things are all requiredinstead of optional.
All required instead ofoptional.
Like my brother, for example.
He's a couple of years youngerthan me, has a wife, two kids,
good health, the family'shealthy.
He doesn't think about thingsending and shifting and changing
(28:54):
the way that I do.
So he doesn't understand mebecause it's in his mind well,
they'll still, still research it, you could live another 30
years.
Uh, odds are not.
Odds are really good that if I,like they've told me, if I see
60, it'll be a miracle.
I'm on borrowed time and I knowit like from the time from my
diagnosis with autoimmunehepatitis to now, like my
(29:16):
expected lifespan has expired.
So now, until 60 or whatever, Ilive to borrowed grace time.
I don't see letting go, I don'tsee it as being something
that's optional, but I alsodon't see it as something to be
desired.
It just is, just has to be,which is so, so hard.
Finbarre Snarey (29:41):
I think that makes it harder than anything is
the fact that it just has to beI'm very moved by that and I
have to say just thank you againso much for spending your time
with a random man from the ukrunning tarot interviews.
Um, that was Tarot interviews.
That was beautifully poignant.
It makes me think about some ofthe more difficult challenges
(30:06):
that I've had over the lastcouple of years and that
resonated with me completely.
Thank you so much forexpressing that.
Sadriana Zea (30:13):
You're welcome.
Finbarre Snarey (30:15):
That brings us to the end of another
thought-provoking episode ofTarot Interviews.
A huge thank you to SadrianaZea for joining us today and if
you enjoyed this conversation,be sure to follow the podcast
and leave a review.
It really helps, and you canalso connect with Sadriana and
catch her streams over on Twitchat https://twitch.
tv/sadriana The link is in theshow notes.
(30:36):
And until next time, keepexploring and let the cards
reveal their magic.
Tarot Interviews.
Welcome to Tarot Interviews.
I'm your host, finn, and todaywe're joined by the multifaceted
Sadriana Zea, based in the USA.
Sadriana is a gamer and awriter, a big fan of Dragon Age
(00:43):
Origins, sims 4 and Minecraft.
Today, we'll let the tarotguide us through a discussion on
whatever comes up, whether itbe mental health, writing or the
unique ways we connect in anever-changing world.
Let's shuffle the deck andbegin.
How are you doing, lovely?
Sadriana Zea (00:58):
I'm doing well, thank you.
How are you?
Finbarre Snarey (01:00):
I'm not bad at all, I'm just shuffling these
cards.
Whereabouts in the US are youbased?
Cleveland, ohio, cleveland?
Well, I lived in Cleveland,middlesbrough, which is probably
quite different.
Sadriana Zea (01:10):
Probably.
Finbarre Snarey (01:13):
My knowledge of American pop culture is pretty
limited, but when I was a kid Iused to read these books called
Fat Freddy's Cat and it was thiscartoon about the Freak
Brothers, and I think theymentioned Cleveland, Ohio, as
being like one of the secondlayers of hell.
I've never been.
Sadriana Zea (01:27):
I've been trying to escape my whole life.
Finbarre Snarey (01:29):
Oh, bless you.
Sadriana Zea (01:30):
It's cold and wet and gray most of the year, so
like that's got its downside andthen I live in England.
Right, but when I say cold andyou say cold, we're not saying
the same kind of thing.
Finbarre Snarey (01:46):
Well, I mean mean I would measure fahrenheit
against celsius, but fahrenheitdoesn't mean much to me.
But so, for example, if youwere to go outside wearing a
t-shirt and shorts, what wouldyour life expectancy be?
Sadriana Zea (01:57):
in like the winter here, yeah, hours, okay, it's
like we hover in the winter.
We hover around five to seven C, so it's cold and there's snow.
Yuck, yeah, it's very cold andthere's snowy and then it's just
so interminably gray.
And I know England gets a lotof red and it's kind of
(02:18):
interminably gray too, butthere's still a lot of green and
we don't have a lot of greenhere.
Finbarre Snarey (02:23):
And I can imagine that since the beginning
of 2025, things are probablyless great, am I thinking?
Sadriana Zea (02:29):
oh yeah, no, it's warble.
The country is on fire,literally and figuratively, and
it's been like bad news bears umall the way around sorry, bad
news bears.
Finbarre Snarey (02:42):
What are bad news bears?
They're like the Care Bears,but with like really sad emojis
on the front.
Sadriana Zea (02:50):
I mean, you can make them that way.
It's just a phrase to say thatthings are not well.
I think that one might be ame-ism.
Truthfully, I don't know howmany people say bad news bears.
I say a lot of things like sexbunnies and you say look sex
bunnies or son of a motherlessgoat.
Especially when I'm trying notto swear, these things come out
(03:11):
so they're kind of me-isms okay.
Finbarre Snarey (03:12):
So I've been on this planet for nearly 40
something years.
I've never heard any of thosephrases uttered by anybody, ever
in my life right, which makesthem me-isms.
Sadriana Zea (03:22):
Yeah, I like them though if I haven't had a few
me-isms.
It helps with like breaking theice and you know people talking
and you need your own versionof duo lingo that would.
That would be funny bless youright.
Finbarre Snarey (03:38):
Well, this is me, I'm Fin hi um.
Thank you so much forresponding to whatever it was
that I put on Blue Sky.
Sadriana Zea (03:45):
Not a problem.
It was really an interestingpremise and I was like this is a
thing I could do.
I could have fun with this.
Finbarre Snarey (03:52):
Thank you so much for joining us.
Right, I have so many questionsand those will be woven into
the cards that we pull, but whatI'm going to do is I've got my
deck here, this is the RiderWaite, and I'm going to keep
shuffling until you say stop.
Right, can you describe whatyou see?
Sadriana Zea (04:15):
Looks like the Eight of Cups.
I don't know what the Eight ofCups stands for, but it's
actually really neat art, isn't?
Finbarre Snarey (04:22):
it.
Sadriana Zea (04:22):
With the cups stacked on the bottom and the
hiker.
Finbarre Snarey (04:26):
Okay, it's actually really neat art with
the cup stacked on the bottomand the hiker Okay.
So the eight of cups that yousee there just describe the
scene, and I'm very curious toknow what your intuition says
about this particular car.
You don't have to know theactual meanings and don't worry
about that at all, but what'syour impression and what are
your feelings that you get?
Sadriana Zea (04:39):
Since it has a hiker, kind of going through
mountainous or hilly terrain,kind of see it as me being on a
tough path right now, whichmakes sense because I'm trying
to recover from a recent mentalhealth episode.
Things are not the easiestright now and I'm facing a major
med change, which those arealways hard because once you
(04:59):
don't know what's working andyou have to start scrapping
stuff, you usually have a periodof time that it gets worse
before it gets better.
So that's kind of my instincton it that I'm on this kind of
rocky path and hopefully theother side of it will be a
little easier.
Finbarre Snarey (05:16):
I think the traditional interpretation of
the Eight of Cups is somethinglike a journey of emotional
growth and transformation, amoment where you recognize that
something no longer serves youand it prompts you to walk away
in search of deeper meaning andfulfillment.
So, with that in mind, the ideaof walking away, my first
question to you is going to behave you ever abandoned a game
(05:36):
or a project for the sake ofpersonal growth?
Sadriana Zea (05:39):
Ooh, that's not for long.
Finbarre Snarey (05:43):
That's the trouble with Baldur's Gate.
It just lures you back it does.
Sadriana Zea (05:47):
I'm playing One on stream right now, and I'll
just get one yeah, because Idecided I was going to go
through the franchise, which iswhy I say like nothing is ever a
short term with me.
Uh, yeah, so I started with oneand it's I don't remember
playing second.
I did play second edition AD&D,but I didn't like I don't
remember the rules, so it's it'sextra challenging.
(06:09):
I've been fortunate that peoplehave been interested in it and
come in and like kind of helpedme get through it.
Yeah, I don't abandon thingsfor long.
I have, like, for example, ababy blanket that I have been
working on for long enough thatthe baby is in double digits, or
a new person to gift it to, andI like I'll do it for a while
and then I'll put it downbecause I need to focus on
(06:30):
something else and then I'llpick it back up.
My hobby is collecting hobbies,so I kind of rotate through them
as the need arises and as theysort of serve my purpose.
Games are very similar.
I'll rotate through based onwhat is kind of helping me cope
or not cope.
If it's something that I haveto let go of for now because
it's painful or I need to kindof move in a direction around it
(06:55):
, then I do that.
The best example I have isStardew Valley, of all things.
I used to play it with mypartners and then when those
partners left me, I found Icouldn't play it anymore.
I'll go back to it someday, I'msure, but I need to be a little
more distant from thosefeelings and that pain before I
can entertain that.
So that's kind of the closest Ican say, that I have walked
(07:16):
away from something for my owngrowth and nothing is ever
permanent.
Finbarre Snarey (07:20):
When you mentioned Stardew Valley, you
mentioned the partners that youassociated with the game.
Were there particular peoplewithin the game that reminded
you of them, or did you normallyspend time with those people
playing Stardew Valley, or wasit just that particular time in
your life that it reminded you?
Sadriana Zea (07:36):
So we all had a farm together.
I don't know how much you knowabout Stardew Valley, but it's a
farming game and you can haveother people join you on your
farm to all play together.
So the three of us playedtogether I'm Poly, so the three
of us played together and wespent a lot of hours in it.
There were a lot of firsts inthe game that I hadn't seen,
(07:56):
even though they had played moreof it.
I felt so connected to thistime that we spent together that
I would start the game and tryand play by myself or try to
play with someone else, and itwould rush back memories and
brush back feelings that I kindof couldn't cope with at the
time.
So I just needed to put thegame down and until I could get
a little more distance, I'm sureI will go back to it because I
(08:18):
want to see the end of the.
Well, it's not the end, butlike I want to get through the
plot of the game.
It's not been something that'shigh on my priority list right
now.
Lately it's been more creative,tangible, creative ventures and
incorporating community into mystreams, so that I can kind of
grow past those breakups andloss of community.
Probably breakups suck, likebreakups suck in general, but
(08:42):
when you lose more than oneperson at a time or you lose a
sense of community that you had,like, there's just a brutality
to it that I have not had withsingular breakups.
So it was just such a sense ofloss and it rearranged so much
of my life.
So walking away from that meantwalking away from some hobbies
for now, but I will go back tothem when I feel better
(09:17):
no-transcript.
Finbarre Snarey (09:19):
I think for many of my poly friends the big
dream there is to have almostlike a kind of like a Hamlet
setup.
You have your big house in themiddle of the village and you
have all the little housesdotted around, and of course
that's something that you canobtain in Stardew Valley, as far
as I understand.
I haven't really played it morethan 10 minutes than one person
(09:47):
in a single playthrough.
Sadriana Zea (09:47):
I'm not sure how far you can take those romantic
interests and if they stay intheir own homes or they move
into your home or how that works.
I haven't succeeded in thatpart of the game.
I can see why.
I can see why it would bechallenging.
Well, any game that has monogamyas a focus can be challenging
for Polly, because it's just nothow it works in our brain,
right like our brain is set upto love so many people and to
(10:08):
care about so many people aroundus and to have that deep sense
of connection that monogamouslike you could only like one
person, you can only focus onthis.
One person is so foreign, evenhaving done it like I'm on.
I am married, so I have had themonogamous relationship before
and it didn't like it rubbed.
(10:31):
I don't want to be someone'ssoul, everything I can't.
There's just too many needsthat I'm not going to be able to
meet, whereas I can be part ofan ecosystem that meets
everyone's needs.
And as long as everyone hastheir needs met, then we can be
a healthy, well-bounded system.
Finbarre Snarey (10:52):
That's a beautiful way of thinking about
it.
I was just thinking the idea ofsay you like cake and you like
lemon meringue pie, the idea ofthinking well, I like lemon
meringue pie, therefore I cannothave the apple turnover.
I must never have thatchocolate shoe bun.
It must always be the cake thatI have chosen.
No, I like that idea.
Sadriana Zea (11:13):
Yeah, it's no.
One person is going to meetevery need.
It's just not possible.
And I know a lot of people thatare monogamous, that are happy
because they found someone thatthinks the same way as they do.
I just find for myself thatthat stress of being someone's
everything and then makingsomeone else my everything just
(11:35):
rubs so hard Like it's a littlechafing.
Finbarre Snarey (11:42):
Have you always been poly, or is this something
that has come into being sinceyou've started to prioritize
things more?
Sadriana Zea (11:50):
Um, it evolved I and after my marriage ended, he
up and left and was like I'mnever coming back.
And I'm like what are youtalking about?
We promised forever I've bentover backwards to make this work
and I don't understand how youcan just leave, know how to not
(12:19):
love people.
I had always, to that point,heard of poly as kind of an
excuse to cheat versus awell-based, built on honesty and
communication kind of setup.
Everyone I knew just use it asa free for all to hurt the
others that they were with.
I met somebody who was likethat's not how it's done, let's
talk about how it's really done.
It kind of opened up what Ialready knew wasn't working to a
possibility of like what couldbe, because I knew that I don't
(12:42):
stop loving people.
I knew that I had the abilityto love more than one person and
to be connected to more thanone person and to care about a
group of people.
But I didn't know what it wascalled at first.
And something about how societyhas evolved has really helped,
because when I was in school,you liked the same bits, you
liked the opposite bits, youliked both bits or you liked
(13:04):
none of the bits.
Now it's you like the same bits, you like the opposite bits,
you like all the bits, you likenone of the bits and you want
your soul and I'm very much aperson who wants your soul.
I want to be connected and havethat deep connection and have
that bond where we can growtogether as our own people and
still be together as a couple ortrouble, throuple or like, yes,
(13:28):
trouble, or, you know, have ourother people that I'm not
connected to and still have ourbond.
Finbarre Snarey (13:36):
That makes a lot of sense.
Or, however, those setups andstructures change over time and
I imagine they would whensomebody may find that they are
no longer attracted to so-and-soin such a way but have grown
closer to another person withinthat setup, I can imagine things
ebb and flow.
Sadriana Zea (13:51):
Yeah, there's a lot of ebb and flow.
There's a lot of people that Ithat first person.
I was not connected to theirother partner at all.
I knew that other partnerexisted.
I knew when they went to visitlike I cause it was all long
distance.
That's what happens when you'reon the internet.
I don't need to be connected toeveryone as long as I know,
honestly, where things stand,what kinds of relationships for
(14:12):
my own health and wellbeing, andI need to know what kind of
relationship you have with aperson.
But I don't need to be involvedin all the details.
I don't need to be dating themtoo.
If I'm dating them too great,if I'm not dating them too great
.
It's just really about thehonesty and communication and
continuing to grow together andcontinue to grow as people.
Finbarre Snarey (14:33):
Yeah, that's an excellent and eye-opening
answer.
Thank you so much for that.
And that was only the firstcard.
We've still got two more to go.
So I'm gonna shuffle away, I'mgonna keep shuffling away and,
again, like before, tell me whento stop.
What do you see?
Sadriana Zea (14:56):
Oh, is this a nine of rods?
Finbarre Snarey (15:00):
Yeah, the nine of rods, wands, batons, staves.
Sadriana Zea (15:05):
There's a person on the card kind of clinging to
one of them in particular whichis interesting to me.
Surrounded by all of them,there's this one that they seem
to be connected to.
I've been struggling since thebreakups of letting go of that
partnership, so I can kind ofsee it as being that difficulty
in letting go which kind of goesinto that whole hard emotional
(15:27):
growth path.
There's so much to let go of asyou move forward and to have
you know options and directionsbecause you could weave through
between those rods in any place.
Imagine you can go somewheredifferent in any direction.
It's kind of an interesting.
I don't know what it meansnormally, but that's what I'm
taking from it.
Finbarre Snarey (15:48):
I think you've summed it up wonderfully.
I think if I was to bottle upthe meaning, for me it would be
if you're feeling battle-wornbut unwilling to give up, the
Nine of Wands tells you to holdfirm.
I was just looking up aparticular quote by Calvin
Coolidge which I think reallygoes with the card.
(16:09):
It's the one that goes Nothingin this world can take the place
of persistence.
Talent will not.
Nothing is more common thanunsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not Unrewarded.
Genius is almost a proverb.
That's what I thought of when Isaw that card.
Right, so this means that youneed to get another question, as
(16:37):
the card represents resiliencewhat keeps you going when you
hit a creative block or a gamingfrustration?
Sadriana Zea (16:43):
Other people, for the most part For games, because
then you can turn to resources,be it the people in chat with
me or look on the internet tosomething somebody already wrote
.
So when it's a roadblockspecifically, specifically, with
games, it's generally otherpeople.
When it's a roadblock to mycreativity, when it's like for
my writing or you know, aproject is just not rubbing the
(17:05):
right way, usually what gets methrough those moments is my cats
, like the one above my head Icould see something moving in
the background.
Finbarre Snarey (17:13):
I don't want to ask what that was.
I wasn't sure if it was just afriendly shadow.
Sadriana Zea (17:18):
No, that is my cat , my void.
That's what I've heard blackcats called as voids.
So it's my black cat.
Something about having someoneelse looking out for you like
having they're dependent on meso completely.
I make sure that they'rehealthy, I make sure that they
have what they need, I make surethat they get love and support,
(17:45):
and having something that'sdepending on me makes me want to
keep fighting through.
Having a terminal healthdiagnosis has meant that I had
to find not just meaning to thelife that I have, but I had to
find peace with the fact thatit's short.
I don't have forever.
It's really easy to get lost inthe sauce when we're young and
like I've got forever.
30 years is a lifetime.
30 years is not a lifetime.
To be okay with the fact thatyou know what you're on borrowed
(18:08):
time.
You have to make it count.
Even if it only counts for youand the cats, it has to count.
I lean on them heavily, likethey're an emotional support
that I can't really replace.
I let that be kind of myguiding force of of how do I get
through the next big challenge.
Games are honestly the easiestone to go to because you go to
(18:30):
the internet, you find thesolution and even if the
solution frustrates you, you doit and then you're on to the
next thing.
I find roadblocks to creativityso much harder.
I find getting that, gettingthe discipline of actually like
pouring that creativity outbecause it lives in my head all
the time.
I have a slew of charactersthat tell me about their life
(18:52):
stories, but not like psychosis,that's a different problem.
But my characters have alwaystaken on their own life and kind
of told me the story that I'mwriting how do those characters
manifest?
Finbarre Snarey (19:04):
You imagine them in the room with you to as
you're writing.
Sadriana Zea (19:08):
It's like they take over what happens it's not
like a takeover, uh, that wouldbe more of like a a
disassociative identity disorderproblem and that would be a
mental health issue.
It's more that they kind ofthey kind of come into being as
I start to write the story, likeI start to set up the setting,
and they kind of interjectthemselves internally and take
(19:30):
the story by the hand and kindof like this is what I do, this
is how I feel, this is myreality.
And then as I write that and itunfolds, I ask questions and
that character answers kind ofin their own voice.
It's not an immediate thing,it's kind of a process over time
.
But yeah, it's, it's.
(19:50):
It's always up there.
There's always a story to tell.
It's just getting them out ontothe paper.
Finbarre Snarey (19:57):
Yeah I wish I, I wish I had that particular
talent.
In rare moments of inspirationthere'll be that particular poem
that just needs to get itselfout.
It could be any way, it couldbe.
In fact I find it easiest if Ijust get you know the kind of
the the back of a receipt or ascrunched up bit of paper from
(20:18):
my pocket and get it down.
But once it's out it's done andI have to wait until the next
lightning bolt strikes.
But I like the idea of havingthat guide that you've just
described.
Sadriana Zea (20:29):
Getting past the I'm waiting for inspiration is
probably the hardest roadblockfor creativity, because if
you're waiting for inspirationto strike, you miss all
opportunities and oh, that's me.
Finbarre Snarey (20:40):
That's me, hi, I'm waiting.
It's right here right.
Sadriana Zea (20:46):
But if you, if you observe the way that your
thoughts are, you can put downrandom thoughts in poetry, since
you're not necessarily havingto rhyme.
You're not necessarily havingto rhyme, you're not necessarily
having to have the most cleverturn of phrase, it's just the
act of putting your observations, your feelings out on the paper
, even if it's not the best workyou've ever written.
(21:06):
That's what editing is forGetting it out when there's no
sense of inspiration, whenthere's no quick quip of phrase,
and just trying it, just divingin and just trying it is the
hardest thing to get past, asfar as actually getting the
creativity out and making itpart of an ongoing process.
It's been hard for me.
(21:27):
I am no pro at it.
I took classes and the classeshad deadlines and that was the
big part of getting past thewaiting for inspiration.
Because if I just wait forinspiration, I will never write.
Have enough stories in my headto entertain me and then when
they entertain me to a certainpoint and they're done, like
they've told me their story,it's not on the page yet.
(21:49):
I still have to write it, butit's concluded.
So if I'm waiting for thatinspiration to just drag the
story along, I'll never writethem how I want to live my life
with just this kind of piled inmy head and no one else to share
it with.
Finbarre Snarey (22:03):
In terms of your process.
Do you jot things down incountless notebooks?
Do you have the one specificplace that you go to, something
as old-fashioned as a typewriter?
Pop them in Notepad.
How do you get those ideas down?
Sadriana Zea (22:16):
So it depends on what we're talking about.
I do a lot of flash fiction,which is just me sitting down 10
, 15 minutes and writing a shortstory based on a prompt.
I find, or something thatprompted me, flash fiction is
very much just a one and done.
You edit it, but like it's,it's a moment, it's that like
waiting for inspiration.
You read the prompt, you getinspired, you write the story.
Finbarre Snarey (22:39):
OK, so card number three.
Let's see what you get thistime.
Tell me when we need to stop.
Sadriana Zea (22:45):
I'll try and be more patient this time.
Oh well then, Wow.
Finbarre Snarey (22:53):
Okay, describe the card that you've got.
Sadriana Zea (22:55):
I got Death.
Finbarre Snarey (22:57):
You got Death.
Sadriana Zea (23:07):
I don't know that I was prepared for that one.
Um, it is a dark soldier on ahorse, surrounded by death, uh,
and carrying a black flag.
Interestingly enough, there's alot of, there's a lot of death
in my life that I'm still likewrestling with.
We have the ended.
We have my sense of wellnessbeing a terminal diagnosis.
We have changes in familyrelationships that are trying to
(23:31):
negotiate whether I'm going tocut off my brother or whether
I'm going to continue in whatseems to be an unhealthy
relationship.
There's just a lot of chaos andupheaval in my life right now
that I'm trying to navigate,which is the first thing that
comes to mind when we talk aboutdeath, not necessarily like the
oh I'm going to die tomorrowmoment.
(23:52):
There's so much change.
Hell, I'm going to have a majormed change in a couple of weeks
and that's going to be its ownsort of little death because as
the meds go out, your feelingschange and your symptoms change
and then the new meds come inand hopefully relieve that.
But it's its own sort of minideath as you kind of transfer
(24:14):
from like what was to what isgoing to be absolutely, I mean
it.
Finbarre Snarey (24:19):
I've heard the minor arcana described as being
the four elements and the majorarcana is being the fifth and
that of spirit or soul, and ofcourse, this is a transition.
It could be relationships,career beliefs or personal
identity, but something that isutterly profound.
So it's not a card to be lookedat lightly, but you're
absolutely right.
(24:40):
And, uh, when it came up, I Ithink I laughed out of shock
more than anything, but, um, Iwas thinking, please don't be
something like the death.
Oh no, it's the death card.
Here we are, but that embracingof transformation is something
that you've just described sovividly and wonderfully.
So on that, let me think.
So, on the subject of lettinggo, has there been a time where
(25:02):
leaving one community hasbrought you into another and
helped you grow?
Sadriana Zea (25:08):
I think there's some communities that have come
full circle.
When I first got on Twitch in2020, as a viewer, there was a
sense of needing a home, needingconnection, and the whole world
had flooded to the Internetbecause we were all in our homes
.
Yeah, I was already on theInternet a lot because I'm
disabled, so I spend a lot oftime kind of trying to connect
(25:31):
with people from what I can do.
So I was already there and thenhere comes the whole world
joining my party and I wanted tofind places to belong.
I found some small communitiesthat I stuck with that then
drifted as I was dating.
Because there is something thatthere's something to be said
(25:52):
about developing relationshipsand how they kind of take you
away from communities and buildyou into different communities
and restructure your life.
With those relationships ending, I needed to find a place to go
back to, and so I've gone backto some of those smaller
communities and made some newconnections and kind of tried to
(26:12):
embrace that change.
One of the communities that Iwas part of when I was dating
was the Magic the Gatheringcommunity, because I'm such a
nerd I mean I do D&D and Magicthe Gathering and video games,
like I'm such a nerd but when Ibroke up with well, when they
broke up with me, I found myselfstuck and unable to really
navigate that space withoutrunning into them.
(26:32):
So I ended up having to walkaway completely from a whole
collection of people that Ireally care about and hope for
the best for them.
But it's just not good for meto continue to try and and
navigate that and knock on thatdoor when it's barking at the
wrong table.
People take sides, takejudgments like it's just what
(26:54):
happens when people lose, leavecommunities.
So I've had those communitiescome full circle.
Where I was with them before Istarted dating, had a nice
little date time gone back tothem.
Letting go of people is probablythe hardest thing because, as I
mentioned before, I don't stoploving people and I still want
the best for them and I stillwant to know they're okay.
(27:16):
And when people draw lines likedon't ever contact me again, it
becomes very jarring and verypainful and kind of requires
some of that also experiencedisability, that also experience
emotional frustrations and cancome together and connect,
(27:46):
knowing that we're safe for eachother because we have common
experiences, not just in thecommon experience of the game
that I'm playing, but the commonexperience of like my life is
hard and the world's on fire.
And how do I navigate this whenI don't want to be alone,
because nobody wants to be alone?
We're not built to be alone forgood.
We're built to have quiet timeand our alone time, but we're
(28:08):
not built to be completely alonefor the most part.
Yeah, and letting go is a toughone.
Really, it's not the instinctthat I have.
My instinct is to claw andfight and keep things going and
trying to continue to grow andtrying to continue to be with
the people I love, and sometimesit's just not.
(28:32):
Sometimes letting go is yourhealth, sometimes letting go is
like your mental state.
Those things are all requiredinstead of optional.
All required instead ofoptional.
Like my brother, for example.
He's a couple of years youngerthan me, has a wife, two kids,
good health, the family'shealthy.
He doesn't think about thingsending and shifting and changing
(28:54):
the way that I do.
So he doesn't understand mebecause it's in his mind well,
they'll still, still research it, you could live another 30
years.
Uh, odds are not.
Odds are really good that if I,like they've told me, if I see
60, it'll be a miracle.
I'm on borrowed time and I knowit like from the time from my
diagnosis with autoimmunehepatitis to now, like my
(29:16):
expected lifespan has expired.
So now, until 60 or whatever, Ilive to borrowed grace time.
I don't see letting go, I don'tsee it as being something
that's optional, but I alsodon't see it as something to be
desired.
It just is, just has to be,which is so, so hard.
Finbarre Snarey (29:41):
I think that makes it harder than anything is
the fact that it just has to beI'm very moved by that and I
have to say just thank you againso much for spending your time
with a random man from the ukrunning tarot interviews.
Um, that was Tarot interviews.
That was beautifully poignant.
It makes me think about some ofthe more difficult challenges
(30:06):
that I've had over the lastcouple of years and that
resonated with me completely.
Thank you so much forexpressing that.
Sadriana Zea (30:13):
You're welcome.
Finbarre Snarey (30:15):
That brings us to the end of another
thought-provoking episode ofTarot Interviews.
A huge thank you to SadrianaZea for joining us today and if
you enjoyed this conversation,be sure to follow the podcast
and leave a review.
It really helps, and you canalso connect with Sadriana and
catch her streams over on Twitchat https://twitch.
tv/sadriana The link is in theshow notes.
(30:36):
And until next time, keepexploring and let the cards
reveal their magic.
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