June 2, 2025 • 26 mins
Toxic shame—that intensely painful belief that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love—keeps us hiding in the shadows of our lives. For teen mothers and those who became mothers in their teens, especially survivors of abuse and violence, this shame can become the very core of identity, fueling destructive patterns and preventing authentic connection.
In this final episode of our five-part series "Healing the Shame That Binds You," Dr. Chris unpacks three powerful methods for externalization—bringing toxic shame out of hiding where it can finally be healed. Drawing from John Bradshaw's groundbreaking work and her own experience with Celebrate Recovery, Dr. Chris demonstrates how 12-step programs create the perfect environment for shame healing by combining honest social contact with the power of being mirrored and accepted by non-shaming others.
The 12-step journey restores four fundamental relationships broken by toxic shame: our relationship with God or a higher power, our relationship with ourselves, our relationships with others, and our relationship with the world around us. Unlike quick-fix approaches, this healing process takes time and commitment, but offers genuine transformation through its structured pathway from admission of powerlessness to spiritual awakening.
What makes recovery groups uniquely suited for healing toxic shame is their non-judgmental atmosphere. In these spaces, everyone has experienced the agony of toxic shame, creating a sanctuary where you're embraced rather than judged for your struggles. As Bradshaw notes, "As I confessed how badly I really felt, I saw acceptance and love in the mirroring eyes of others...I began to feel like I mattered."
Connect with Teen Moms Anonymous for resources, support groups, and community. Subscribe to our podcast and follow us on social media to continue your journey toward emotional health and wellness. Your healing not only transforms your life but creates a healthier foundation for your children.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning in to our Teen Moms
Anonymous podcast.
We are a podcast for teenmothers and adult mothers who
were teen mothers, especiallythose who survived violence and
abuse.
Our focus is on emotionalhealth and wellness, because we
know that emotionally healthymothers are better equipped to
nurture the emotionaldevelopment of their children.
(00:47):
I'm your host, dr Chris Strobel, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous
, a ministry for teen mothersand adult mothers who were teen
mothers, and the award-winningauthor of Helping Teen Moms.
Graduate Strategies for FamilySchools and Community
Organizations.
Strategies for family schoolsand community organizations.
(01:09):
Today is part five of ourfive-part series entitled
Healing the Shame that Binds You, and today I'm talking about
healing our toxic shame.
And how do we do that?
We have to come out of hiding,and in his book Healing the
Shame that Binds You, JohnBradshaw identifies 14 methods
or ways of coming out of hiding,and today I'll discuss three of
(01:30):
those methods.
Number one coming out of hidingby social contact, which means
honestly sharing our feelingswith significant others.
Number two, seeing ourselvesmirrored and echoed in the eyes
of at least one non-shamingperson who is part of our new
family of affiliation andworking a 12-step program.
(01:52):
These first two methods are theessence of a 12-step program,
because that's what happens in a12-step program you come out of
hiding by social contact,sharing your feelings with
significant others, and you seeyourself mirrored and echoed
with those who are part of yournew family of affiliation.
This new family of affiliationmay be Alcoholics Anonymous
(02:16):
Celebrate Recovery, or us TeenMoms Anonymous.
Either way, working a 12-stepprogram is a way to come out of
hiding and I'm discussing the 12steps today.
For today, in this entire series, I'm referencing the
award-winning book Helping TeenMoms Graduate and John
Bradshaw's groundbreaking andclassic recovery book, Healing
(02:39):
the Shame that Binds You.
John Bradshaw, who died in 2016, was an American educator,
counselor, motivational speakerand author, who hosted a number
of PBS television programs ontopics such as addiction
recovery, codependency andspirituality.
(03:00):
In this series, as with all ourshows, the content is for
informational purposes only.
If you feel you need to talk tosomeone, please consult a
medical doctor or licensedprofessional counselor.
If you are in an emergency,please dial 911 or go to your
nearest emergency room.
So let's get started.
(03:20):
Throughout this series, I'vediscussed the difference between
healthy shame and toxic shame.
Healthy shame is an emotion, aboundary.
It's a yellow warning that letsus know our limits, that we
have and will make mistakes andthat we are not God.
Healthy shame is nourishing andkeeps us grounded.
Toxic shame is when shame is nolonger a healthy emotion but
(03:48):
the intensely painful feeling orexperience inside of believing
that we are flawed and thereforeunworthy of love and belonging.
Something we've experienced,done or failed to do makes us
unworthy of connection.
Toxic shame feels like a deepcut inside and toxic shame is
life destroying.
To heal our toxic shame, we mustcome out of hiding.
(04:11):
As long as our shame is hidden,there's nothing we can do about
it.
In order to change our toxicshame, we must embrace it.
Bradshaw quotes an oldtherapeutic adage which states
the only way out is throughEmbracing.
Our shame involves pain.
Pain is what we try to avoid Inthe case of shame.
(04:33):
The more we avoid it, the worseit gets.
We cannot change ourinternalized shame until we
externalize it, meaning exposeit, get it out of us.
And Bradshaw notes that doingshame reduction work is simple
but difficult.
It mainly involves what hecalls methods of externalization
(04:58):
, methods of getting toxic shameout of us.
Three methods include onecoming out of hiding by social
contact, which means honestlysharing our feelings with
significant others.
Two, seeing ourselves mirroredand echoed in the eyes of at
least one non-shaming person whois part of our new family of
(05:20):
affiliation.
And three working a 12-stepprogram of affiliation.
Working the 12-step programallows us to do both.
One and two come out of hidingby social contact, sharing our
feelings with significant others.
And seeing ourselves mirroredand echoed with those who are
part of our new family ofaffiliation In 12-step programs.
(05:41):
Everyone in the group is justlike you In 12-step programs.
Everyone in the group is justlike you.
Everyone has experienced theagony of toxic shame and, as
such, you are not judged orshamed.
Quite the opposite you areembraced for who you are at that
moment and supported as youheal your toxic shame.
For John Bradshaw, he worked the12-step program with Alcoholics
(06:04):
Anonymous, aa, which he creditswith saving his life.
For me, I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
known as CR, which helped meheal a deep hurt.
That is Celebrate Recovery'sgoal to help you heal any hurt,
hang-up or habits.
You may not be familiar withthe 12 steps, so I'm going to
(06:26):
read what each step states witha brief explanation, mainly from
the perspective of alcoholaddiction.
Alcohol was John Bradshaw'saddiction, but you can insert
whatever is your addiction oryour hurt, hang up or habit that
you're dealing with as a teenmother, an adult mother who was
a teen mother especially if yousurvived violence and abuse, you
(06:50):
may likely be dealing with thehurt of toxic shame and possibly
even an addiction.
I do want to mention thatBradshaw argues that toxic shame
, that intensely painful feelinginside of believing that we are
flawed and therefore unworthyof love and belonging.
He argues that that toxic shameis the core and fuel of all
(07:12):
addiction, because addictionhides the shame and enhances it
and the shame fuels theaddiction.
And Bradshaw notes that drugsand alcohol are not the only
compulsive addictive behaviors.
There are other compulsiveaddictive behaviors such as
eating disorders, feelingaddictions like rage, sadness
(07:35):
and fear.
One can have an addiction toshame and guilt, thought and
activity addictions, addictions,whatever.
The addiction at the core andfuel of them, bradshaw argues,
is toxic shame, because theaddiction again hides the shame
and enhances it and the shamefuels the addiction.
(07:56):
12-step programs help us healour toxic shame by bringing it
out of hiding.
So let's start with the 12steps.
Step one states we admitted wewere powerless over whatever the
addiction hurt, hang-up orhabits, and our lives had become
unmanageable.
Bradshaw offers a furtherexplanation of this step one,
(08:18):
which I'll read from his book.
This is on page 125.
He says this step oneacknowledges the most powerful
aspect of any shame syndromeit's functional autonomy.
An old adage about alcoholillustrates this man takes a
(08:39):
drink, drink takes a drink,drink takes a man.
Alcohol, he notes, has its owninherent chemical properties of
addiction.
Toxic shame is an internalizedstate which, once internalized,
functions the same way as achemical.
The second sentence of thefirst step underscores the
(09:02):
functional autonomy of thecompulsive addictive disorders.
In my own compulsivity supportgroup we often speak of toxic
shame as an entity in itselfwith its own power.
In the face of it we arepowerless.
He says.
All recovering persons come toa point, a turning point in
(09:25):
their lives, precipitated by thepain of their addiction.
Pain made me aware of mypowerlessness and
unmanageability.
I had to embrace my shame andpain.
In my own case, the pain hadbecome so agonizing that I was
(09:47):
ready to go to any length.
Embracing my pain led me toexpose my pain, sorrow,
loneliness and shame.
This is what I had feared doingfor so long as I confessed how
badly I really felt.
I saw acceptance and loved inthe mirroring eyes of others as
(10:08):
they accepted me.
I began to feel like I mattered.
I began to accept myself.
So that is what step one is allabout.
We admitted we were powerlessover whatever the addiction hurt
hang up our habits, and thatour lives have become
unmanageable.
That's step one.
The second step asks us toreach out to something greater
(10:32):
than ourselves.
It states we came to believethat a power greater than
ourselves could restore us tosanity.
When discussing step two,bradshaw references the fall in
Genesis, and I discussed this inthe prior episodes, but here's
a brief recount.
Before Adam and Eve sinned,they had healthy shame.
(10:54):
The biblical account actuallysays they were not ashamed.
Their shame was nourishing.
It was a boundary, it was ayellow warning that let them
know their limits and God'sboundaries, what he would and
would not allow.
You may eat fruit from thetrees of the garden, but you
must not eat fruit from the treethat is in the middle of the
(11:15):
garden and you must not touch itor you will die.
Satan deceived and tricked themto push their limits, to cross
God's boundaries, and once theydid, they experienced toxic
shame.
This is illustrated in thatwhen God called unto Adam, where
art thou?
Adam's first response was tocover himself up and hide.
(11:36):
I heard that voice in thegarden and I was afraid because
I was naked and I hid myself.
That is toxic shame, and toxicshame makes you want to hide and
cover up.
And just as Adam sought tocover himself up, we as humans
find ways to cover up our toxicshame.
And I mentioned many cover-upsin the first three episodes of
(11:59):
this series.
If you missed those, they areavailable on our podcast.
You may want to go back andlisten to them.
Miss those?
They are available on ourpodcast.
You may want to go back andlisten to them.
But to heal our toxic shame wemust come out of hiding.
12-step programs are a safe,non-shaming, intimate network
where you can come out of hiding.
In referencing the fall inGenesis, Bradshaw notes that
(12:22):
four relationships were brokenby Adam's toxic shame.
Number one, the relationshipwith God.
Two, the relationship with self.
Three, the relationship withbrother and neighbor Cain kills
Abel.
And four, the relationship withthe world nature.
The 12 steps restore those fourrelationships.
(12:45):
They lead to a spiritualawakening.
And this second step thatstates we came to believe that a
power greater than ourselvescould restore us to sanity,
starts this restoration with Godby accepting something greater
than ourselves.
(13:06):
The third step states we made adecision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care ofGod.
As we understand God, Bradshawacknowledges that, while there
is a conscious mention of God asthe higher power, a conscious
(13:27):
mention of God as the higherpower, it is left up to each
person to decide how heunderstands God.
This is, in most 12 steps.
The difference, however, with12-step programs and networks
like Celebrate Recovery and usTeen Moms Anonymous, those who
participate in our programsacknowledge their God as Jesus
Christ, because both of theseprograms are Christ-centered.
So, referring back to the firstrelationship that was broken as
(13:51):
a result of Adam's toxic shame,the relationship with God,
Bradshaw argues that these firstthree steps restore the proper
relationship between ourselvesand the source of life.
Step four states we made asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
(14:11):
In this step we begin therestoration of our relationship
with ourselves and our neighbor,the second and third broken
relationships suggested in thestory of the fall in Genesis.
Let me say this is just whatstep four states.
This step involves a lot ofwork and takes time.
(14:33):
Much goes into making asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves, and ittakes time.
Strongly advise that membersget a sponsor.
A sponsor is a person whohopefully has some quality
emotional health and is workinga healthy program.
(14:54):
A sponsor serves as a model andoffers firm guidance in helping
one work their own program.
Finding a sponsor is a wholeprocess, though, and that takes
time.
So this is just what step fourstates Working.
This step takes time.
So this is just what step fourstates Working.
This step takes time.
(15:15):
It's not a quick fix.
To illustrate this, myCelebrate Recovery 12-step
program lasted eight months, andif you want to learn more, most
12-step programs have on theirwebsites lots of information and
you have the option ofattending an interest meeting.
If you go to AlcoholicsAnonymous and Celebrate
Recovery's website, you can putin your zip code and meetings
(15:36):
and locations will pop up Withus.
Teen Moms Anonymous.
We are a ministry that Ifounded because I knew it was
needed and it was a vision thatGod gave me, but we are not at
the point of AlcoholicsAnonymous or Celebrate Recovery
yet.
We don't yet have the 12 stepsset up in our support groups.
What we do offer is what I'mable to provide and it's great
(15:58):
content here on our podcast, ourblog and our social media.
This content providesinformation on how to come out
of hiding and heal your toxicshame.
Our support groups are a safe,nonjudgmental space where teen
mothers and adult mothers whowere teen mothers can begin to
come out of hiding, expose andheal their toxic shame.
(16:22):
So I started this discussion bysaying step four involves a lot
of work and takes time.
Much goes into making asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves and ittakes time.
Steps five, six and seven statethat we admitted to God, to
ourselves and to another humanbeing, the exact nature of our
(16:44):
wrongs.
This is step five and this iswhere we come out of hiding
within the group.
Step six states we wereentirely ready to have God
remove all defects of character.
This is an act of faith.
And step seven says humbly askGod to remove our shortcomings.
(17:10):
And Bradshaw notes that thesesteps five, six and seven
restore us to ourselves, whichwas the second relationship that
was broken by the fall, ourrelationship with self.
Steps eight and nine areremedial steps.
They state we made a list ofall persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends.
That was step eight.
(17:30):
And step nine says we madedirect amends to such people
wherever possible, except whento do so would injure them or
others.
And again, this step involves alot more.
You have to work through whatis called false guilt versus
true guilt.
You may feel guilty in some wayif you were abused, but if you
(17:55):
were abused as a child, that wasnot your fault and you don't
have anything to make amends for.
A child is never at fault whenthere is abuse, and Celebrate
Recovery does a great job ofmaking this distinction.
I remember that clearly.
But again, this is toillustrate that this is sharing.
What step?
What these steps state?
There's a lot more involved andworking.
(18:17):
Each step takes time.
Steps 10, 11, and 12 deal withthe third relationship that was
broken as a result of the fallour relationship with other
people.
These are the steps which helpus maintain these restored
relationships.
Step 10 says we continue totake personal inventory and when
(18:39):
we were wrong, promptlyadmitted it.
Step 11 says we sought, throughprayer and meditation, to
improve our conscious contactwith God as we understand God,
praying only for knowledge ofGod's will for us and the power
to carry that out.
Step 11 continues and deepensour bond of mutuality with God,
(19:01):
and step 12 announces that aspiritual awakening is the goal
and product of the 12 steps.
And Bradshaw writes about thison page 131.
He writes step 12 moves us tocarry the message to our
brothers and sisters who arestill hidden behind the mask of
(19:22):
toxic shame.
This step calls us to practicethe spiritual principles of
rigorous honesty and servicetoward others in all our affairs
.
It asks us to put our bodieswhere our mouths are, to
practice what we preach and towalk the walk as we talk the
talk.
It asks us to attract others bymodeling a life of
(19:46):
self-discipline, love andrespect.
As we model our restoredrelationships with God self, our
neighbors and the world, we canshow others that there is a way
out, there is hope, and sothese are the 12 steps.
I hope this gives you clarityand more insight into how
(20:09):
12-step programs like AlcoholicsAnonymous and Celebrate
Recovery work.
So just a quick recap.
To heal our toxic shame, we mustcome out of hiding.
As long as our shame is hidden,there is nothing we can do
about it.
Embracing our shame involvespain.
Pain is what we try to avoid Inthe case of shame.
(20:31):
The more we avoid it, the worseit gets.
We cannot change ourinternalized shame until we
externalize it, expose it, getit out of us.
I mentioned that Bradshaw notesthat doing shame reduction work
is simple but difficult.
It mainly involves what hecalls methods of
(20:53):
externalization, ways to bringshame out of hiding, and I
discussed three today, threethat are really wrapped up into
one and they are number one,coming out of hiding by social
contact, which means honestlysharing our feelings with
significant others.
Number two, seeing ourselvesmirrored and echoed in the eyes
(21:14):
of at least one non-shamingperson who is part of our new
family of affiliation.
And three, working a 12-stepprogram, and working the 12-step
programs allow us to do one andtwo Come out of hiding by
social contact.
We share our feelings withsignificant others in the groups
and we see ourselves mirroredand echoed with those who are
(21:36):
part of our new family ofaffiliation.
And a loving manner.
In the 12-step groups everyoneis just like you.
I know with Celebrate Recoveryeven there are groups for men
and then groups for women.
They're separated, which Ithink is a great idea, but
working the 12-step programallows you to come out of hiding
.
Everyone is just like you.
(21:56):
Everyone has experienced theagony of toxic shame and, as
such, you are not judged orshamed.
Quite the opposite, you areembraced for who you are at that
moment and support it as youheal your toxic shame.
For Bradshaw, he worked the12-step program with Alcoholics
Anonymous AA, which he creditswith saving his life.
(22:17):
For me, I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
known as CR, which helped meheal a deep hurt.
That is CR's goal to help youheal any hurt, hang up or habits
.
I also mentioned Bradshaw'sreference to the fall in Genesis
and he notes that fourrelationships were broken by
(22:37):
Adam's toxic shame therelationship with God, the
relationship with self, therelationship with brother and
neighbor Cain kills Abel and therelationship with the world
nature.
The 12 steps restore thoserelationships.
They lead to a spiritualawakening.
I gave just a brief overview ofthe 12 steps.
(23:00):
A lot goes into each step andworking the program takes time.
It's not a quick fix.
When I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
we met weekly for about eightmonths.
So the process takes time butit works if you work the program
and it's worth it.
And finally, I mentioned thatyou may have heard of 12-step
(23:20):
programs but did not have aclear understanding of how the
programs work.
I hope, going over today eachof the 12 steps, as well as the
goals of the 12 steps to restorerelationships and lead to a
spiritual awakening, I hope thisgives you more clarity and
insight into programs likeAlcoholics Anonymous and
(23:42):
Celebrate Recovery.
I hope this was helpful.
So this is our show for today.
Thanks for listening to ourTeen Moms Anonymous podcast.
We are a podcast for teenmothers and adult mothers who
were teen mothers, especiallythose who survived violence and
abuse.
Our focus is on emotionalhealth and wellness, because we
know that emotionally healthymothers are better equipped to
(24:04):
nurture the emotionaldevelopment of their children.
I'm your host, Dr.
Chris Stroble, founder of TeenMoms Anonymous, a ministry for
teen mothers and adult motherswho were teen mothers, and the
award-winning author of HelpingTeen Moms Graduate Strategies
for Family, Schools andCommunity Organizations.
I hope this information has beenhelpful to you.
If it has, send us a message,to let us know, we love to hear
(24:28):
from listeners.
You can email us atinfo@teenmomsA.
org again info@ teenmomsA.
org or you can visit our website, teenmomsA.
org.
Fill out the contact form.
If you have questions or topicsyou'd like me to discuss, send
those to me and I will addressas many as I can in future shows
.
(24:49):
Finally, we are committed towalking alongside you on your
journey of emotional health andwellness, so stay connected to
us.
Follow us on social mediaInstagram and Facebook at Team
Moms Anonymous.
Visit our website, teemomsA.
org, and subscribe to our blogand our podcast
.
If you are in the Greenville,spartanburg, south Carolina area
(25:10):
, we offer local, in-person,non-shaming support groups where
teen mothers and adult motherswho were teen mothers can come
out of hiding and expose, talkabout and heal their toxic shame
.
We don't offer online supportgroups at this time.
I've had agencies from multipleme about online support groups
(25:32):
, but at time we don't havethe infrastructure to ensure the
safety of our members, so wecan't offer online support
groups on social media.
Subscribe to our podcast.
(26:08):
We'll see you the next time.
I will just battle them right.
I got the victory.
I got the sweet, sweet victoryin Jesus For me.
He died, but he rose on thethird day.
That's why I choose to.
Hi everyone, thanks for tuning in to our Teen Moms
Anonymous podcast.
We are a podcast for teenmothers and adult mothers who
were teen mothers, especiallythose who survived violence and
abuse.
Our focus is on emotionalhealth and wellness, because we
know that emotionally healthymothers are better equipped to
nurture the emotionaldevelopment of their children.
(00:47):
I'm your host, dr Chris Strobel, founder of Teen Moms Anonymous
, a ministry for teen mothersand adult mothers who were teen
mothers, and the award-winningauthor of Helping Teen Moms.
Graduate Strategies for FamilySchools and Community
Organizations.
Strategies for family schoolsand community organizations.
(01:09):
Today is part five of ourfive-part series entitled
Healing the Shame that Binds You, and today I'm talking about
healing our toxic shame.
And how do we do that?
We have to come out of hiding,and in his book Healing the
Shame that Binds You, JohnBradshaw identifies 14 methods
or ways of coming out of hiding,and today I'll discuss three of
(01:30):
those methods.
Number one coming out of hidingby social contact, which means
honestly sharing our feelingswith significant others.
Number two, seeing ourselvesmirrored and echoed in the eyes
of at least one non-shamingperson who is part of our new
family of affiliation andworking a 12-step program.
(01:52):
These first two methods are theessence of a 12-step program,
because that's what happens in a12-step program you come out of
hiding by social contact,sharing your feelings with
significant others, and you seeyourself mirrored and echoed
with those who are part of yournew family of affiliation.
This new family of affiliationmay be Alcoholics Anonymous
(02:16):
Celebrate Recovery, or us TeenMoms Anonymous.
Either way, working a 12-stepprogram is a way to come out of
hiding and I'm discussing the 12steps today.
For today, in this entire series, I'm referencing the
award-winning book Helping TeenMoms Graduate and John
Bradshaw's groundbreaking andclassic recovery book, Healing
(02:39):
the Shame that Binds You.
John Bradshaw, who died in 2016, was an American educator,
counselor, motivational speakerand author, who hosted a number
of PBS television programs ontopics such as addiction
recovery, codependency andspirituality.
(03:00):
In this series, as with all ourshows, the content is for
informational purposes only.
If you feel you need to talk tosomeone, please consult a
medical doctor or licensedprofessional counselor.
If you are in an emergency,please dial 911 or go to your
nearest emergency room.
So let's get started.
(03:20):
Throughout this series, I'vediscussed the difference between
healthy shame and toxic shame.
Healthy shame is an emotion, aboundary.
It's a yellow warning that letsus know our limits, that we
have and will make mistakes andthat we are not God.
Healthy shame is nourishing andkeeps us grounded.
Toxic shame is when shame is nolonger a healthy emotion but
(03:48):
the intensely painful feeling orexperience inside of believing
that we are flawed and thereforeunworthy of love and belonging.
Something we've experienced,done or failed to do makes us
unworthy of connection.
Toxic shame feels like a deepcut inside and toxic shame is
life destroying.
To heal our toxic shame, we mustcome out of hiding.
(04:11):
As long as our shame is hidden,there's nothing we can do about
it.
In order to change our toxicshame, we must embrace it.
Bradshaw quotes an oldtherapeutic adage which states
the only way out is throughEmbracing.
Our shame involves pain.
Pain is what we try to avoid Inthe case of shame.
(04:33):
The more we avoid it, the worseit gets.
We cannot change ourinternalized shame until we
externalize it, meaning exposeit, get it out of us.
And Bradshaw notes that doingshame reduction work is simple
but difficult.
It mainly involves what hecalls methods of externalization
(04:58):
, methods of getting toxic shameout of us.
Three methods include onecoming out of hiding by social
contact, which means honestlysharing our feelings with
significant others.
Two, seeing ourselves mirroredand echoed in the eyes of at
least one non-shaming person whois part of our new family of
(05:20):
affiliation.
And three working a 12-stepprogram of affiliation.
Working the 12-step programallows us to do both.
One and two come out of hidingby social contact, sharing our
feelings with significant others.
And seeing ourselves mirroredand echoed with those who are
part of our new family ofaffiliation In 12-step programs.
(05:41):
Everyone in the group is justlike you In 12-step programs.
Everyone in the group is justlike you.
Everyone has experienced theagony of toxic shame and, as
such, you are not judged orshamed.
Quite the opposite you areembraced for who you are at that
moment and supported as youheal your toxic shame.
For John Bradshaw, he worked the12-step program with Alcoholics
(06:04):
Anonymous, aa, which he creditswith saving his life.
For me, I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
known as CR, which helped meheal a deep hurt.
That is Celebrate Recovery'sgoal to help you heal any hurt,
hang-up or habits.
You may not be familiar withthe 12 steps, so I'm going to
(06:26):
read what each step states witha brief explanation, mainly from
the perspective of alcoholaddiction.
Alcohol was John Bradshaw'saddiction, but you can insert
whatever is your addiction oryour hurt, hang up or habit that
you're dealing with as a teenmother, an adult mother who was
a teen mother especially if yousurvived violence and abuse, you
(06:50):
may likely be dealing with thehurt of toxic shame and possibly
even an addiction.
I do want to mention thatBradshaw argues that toxic shame
, that intensely painful feelinginside of believing that we are
flawed and therefore unworthyof love and belonging.
He argues that that toxic shameis the core and fuel of all
(07:12):
addiction, because addictionhides the shame and enhances it
and the shame fuels theaddiction.
And Bradshaw notes that drugsand alcohol are not the only
compulsive addictive behaviors.
There are other compulsiveaddictive behaviors such as
eating disorders, feelingaddictions like rage, sadness
(07:35):
and fear.
One can have an addiction toshame and guilt, thought and
activity addictions, addictions,whatever.
The addiction at the core andfuel of them, bradshaw argues,
is toxic shame, because theaddiction again hides the shame
and enhances it and the shamefuels the addiction.
(07:56):
12-step programs help us healour toxic shame by bringing it
out of hiding.
So let's start with the 12steps.
Step one states we admitted wewere powerless over whatever the
addiction hurt, hang-up orhabits, and our lives had become
unmanageable.
Bradshaw offers a furtherexplanation of this step one,
(08:18):
which I'll read from his book.
This is on page 125.
He says this step oneacknowledges the most powerful
aspect of any shame syndromeit's functional autonomy.
An old adage about alcoholillustrates this man takes a
(08:39):
drink, drink takes a drink,drink takes a man.
Alcohol, he notes, has its owninherent chemical properties of
addiction.
Toxic shame is an internalizedstate which, once internalized,
functions the same way as achemical.
The second sentence of thefirst step underscores the
(09:02):
functional autonomy of thecompulsive addictive disorders.
In my own compulsivity supportgroup we often speak of toxic
shame as an entity in itselfwith its own power.
In the face of it we arepowerless.
He says.
All recovering persons come toa point, a turning point in
(09:25):
their lives, precipitated by thepain of their addiction.
Pain made me aware of mypowerlessness and
unmanageability.
I had to embrace my shame andpain.
In my own case, the pain hadbecome so agonizing that I was
(09:47):
ready to go to any length.
Embracing my pain led me toexpose my pain, sorrow,
loneliness and shame.
This is what I had feared doingfor so long as I confessed how
badly I really felt.
I saw acceptance and loved inthe mirroring eyes of others as
(10:08):
they accepted me.
I began to feel like I mattered.
I began to accept myself.
So that is what step one is allabout.
We admitted we were powerlessover whatever the addiction hurt
hang up our habits, and thatour lives have become
unmanageable.
That's step one.
The second step asks us toreach out to something greater
(10:32):
than ourselves.
It states we came to believethat a power greater than
ourselves could restore us tosanity.
When discussing step two,bradshaw references the fall in
Genesis, and I discussed this inthe prior episodes, but here's
a brief recount.
Before Adam and Eve sinned,they had healthy shame.
(10:54):
The biblical account actuallysays they were not ashamed.
Their shame was nourishing.
It was a boundary, it was ayellow warning that let them
know their limits and God'sboundaries, what he would and
would not allow.
You may eat fruit from thetrees of the garden, but you
must not eat fruit from the treethat is in the middle of the
(11:15):
garden and you must not touch itor you will die.
Satan deceived and tricked themto push their limits, to cross
God's boundaries, and once theydid, they experienced toxic
shame.
This is illustrated in thatwhen God called unto Adam, where
art thou?
Adam's first response was tocover himself up and hide.
(11:36):
I heard that voice in thegarden and I was afraid because
I was naked and I hid myself.
That is toxic shame, and toxicshame makes you want to hide and
cover up.
And just as Adam sought tocover himself up, we as humans
find ways to cover up our toxicshame.
And I mentioned many cover-upsin the first three episodes of
(11:59):
this series.
If you missed those, they areavailable on our podcast.
You may want to go back andlisten to them.
Miss those?
They are available on ourpodcast.
You may want to go back andlisten to them.
But to heal our toxic shame wemust come out of hiding.
12-step programs are a safe,non-shaming, intimate network
where you can come out of hiding.
In referencing the fall inGenesis, Bradshaw notes that
(12:22):
four relationships were brokenby Adam's toxic shame.
Number one, the relationshipwith God.
Two, the relationship with self.
Three, the relationship withbrother and neighbor Cain kills
Abel.
And four, the relationship withthe world nature.
The 12 steps restore those fourrelationships.
(12:45):
They lead to a spiritualawakening.
And this second step thatstates we came to believe that a
power greater than ourselvescould restore us to sanity,
starts this restoration with Godby accepting something greater
than ourselves.
(13:06):
The third step states we made adecision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care ofGod.
As we understand God, Bradshawacknowledges that, while there
is a conscious mention of God asthe higher power, a conscious
(13:27):
mention of God as the higherpower, it is left up to each
person to decide how heunderstands God.
This is, in most 12 steps.
The difference, however, with12-step programs and networks
like Celebrate Recovery and usTeen Moms Anonymous, those who
participate in our programsacknowledge their God as Jesus
Christ, because both of theseprograms are Christ-centered.
So, referring back to the firstrelationship that was broken as
(13:51):
a result of Adam's toxic shame,the relationship with God,
Bradshaw argues that these firstthree steps restore the proper
relationship between ourselvesand the source of life.
Step four states we made asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
(14:11):
In this step we begin therestoration of our relationship
with ourselves and our neighbor,the second and third broken
relationships suggested in thestory of the fall in Genesis.
Let me say this is just whatstep four states.
This step involves a lot ofwork and takes time.
(14:33):
Much goes into making asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves, and ittakes time.
Strongly advise that membersget a sponsor.
A sponsor is a person whohopefully has some quality
emotional health and is workinga healthy program.
(14:54):
A sponsor serves as a model andoffers firm guidance in helping
one work their own program.
Finding a sponsor is a wholeprocess, though, and that takes
time.
So this is just what step fourstates Working.
This step takes time.
So this is just what step fourstates Working.
This step takes time.
(15:15):
It's not a quick fix.
To illustrate this, myCelebrate Recovery 12-step
program lasted eight months, andif you want to learn more, most
12-step programs have on theirwebsites lots of information and
you have the option ofattending an interest meeting.
If you go to AlcoholicsAnonymous and Celebrate
Recovery's website, you can putin your zip code and meetings
(15:36):
and locations will pop up Withus.
Teen Moms Anonymous.
We are a ministry that Ifounded because I knew it was
needed and it was a vision thatGod gave me, but we are not at
the point of AlcoholicsAnonymous or Celebrate Recovery
yet.
We don't yet have the 12 stepsset up in our support groups.
What we do offer is what I'mable to provide and it's great
(15:58):
content here on our podcast, ourblog and our social media.
This content providesinformation on how to come out
of hiding and heal your toxicshame.
Our support groups are a safe,nonjudgmental space where teen
mothers and adult mothers whowere teen mothers can begin to
come out of hiding, expose andheal their toxic shame.
(16:22):
So I started this discussion bysaying step four involves a lot
of work and takes time.
Much goes into making asearching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves and ittakes time.
Steps five, six and seven statethat we admitted to God, to
ourselves and to another humanbeing, the exact nature of our
(16:44):
wrongs.
This is step five and this iswhere we come out of hiding
within the group.
Step six states we wereentirely ready to have God
remove all defects of character.
This is an act of faith.
And step seven says humbly askGod to remove our shortcomings.
(17:10):
And Bradshaw notes that thesesteps five, six and seven
restore us to ourselves, whichwas the second relationship that
was broken by the fall, ourrelationship with self.
Steps eight and nine areremedial steps.
They state we made a list ofall persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends.
That was step eight.
(17:30):
And step nine says we madedirect amends to such people
wherever possible, except whento do so would injure them or
others.
And again, this step involves alot more.
You have to work through whatis called false guilt versus
true guilt.
You may feel guilty in some wayif you were abused, but if you
(17:55):
were abused as a child, that wasnot your fault and you don't
have anything to make amends for.
A child is never at fault whenthere is abuse, and Celebrate
Recovery does a great job ofmaking this distinction.
I remember that clearly.
But again, this is toillustrate that this is sharing.
What step?
What these steps state?
There's a lot more involved andworking.
(18:17):
Each step takes time.
Steps 10, 11, and 12 deal withthe third relationship that was
broken as a result of the fallour relationship with other
people.
These are the steps which helpus maintain these restored
relationships.
Step 10 says we continue totake personal inventory and when
(18:39):
we were wrong, promptlyadmitted it.
Step 11 says we sought, throughprayer and meditation, to
improve our conscious contactwith God as we understand God,
praying only for knowledge ofGod's will for us and the power
to carry that out.
Step 11 continues and deepensour bond of mutuality with God,
(19:01):
and step 12 announces that aspiritual awakening is the goal
and product of the 12 steps.
And Bradshaw writes about thison page 131.
He writes step 12 moves us tocarry the message to our
brothers and sisters who arestill hidden behind the mask of
(19:22):
toxic shame.
This step calls us to practicethe spiritual principles of
rigorous honesty and servicetoward others in all our affairs
.
It asks us to put our bodieswhere our mouths are, to
practice what we preach and towalk the walk as we talk the
talk.
It asks us to attract others bymodeling a life of
(19:46):
self-discipline, love andrespect.
As we model our restoredrelationships with God self, our
neighbors and the world, we canshow others that there is a way
out, there is hope, and sothese are the 12 steps.
I hope this gives you clarityand more insight into how
(20:09):
12-step programs like AlcoholicsAnonymous and Celebrate
Recovery work.
So just a quick recap.
To heal our toxic shame, we mustcome out of hiding.
As long as our shame is hidden,there is nothing we can do
about it.
Embracing our shame involvespain.
Pain is what we try to avoid Inthe case of shame.
(20:31):
The more we avoid it, the worseit gets.
We cannot change ourinternalized shame until we
externalize it, expose it, getit out of us.
I mentioned that Bradshaw notesthat doing shame reduction work
is simple but difficult.
It mainly involves what hecalls methods of
(20:53):
externalization, ways to bringshame out of hiding, and I
discussed three today, threethat are really wrapped up into
one and they are number one,coming out of hiding by social
contact, which means honestlysharing our feelings with
significant others.
Number two, seeing ourselvesmirrored and echoed in the eyes
(21:14):
of at least one non-shamingperson who is part of our new
family of affiliation.
And three, working a 12-stepprogram, and working the 12-step
programs allow us to do one andtwo Come out of hiding by
social contact.
We share our feelings withsignificant others in the groups
and we see ourselves mirroredand echoed with those who are
(21:36):
part of our new family ofaffiliation.
And a loving manner.
In the 12-step groups everyoneis just like you.
I know with Celebrate Recoveryeven there are groups for men
and then groups for women.
They're separated, which Ithink is a great idea, but
working the 12-step programallows you to come out of hiding
.
Everyone is just like you.
(21:56):
Everyone has experienced theagony of toxic shame and, as
such, you are not judged orshamed.
Quite the opposite, you areembraced for who you are at that
moment and support it as youheal your toxic shame.
For Bradshaw, he worked the12-step program with Alcoholics
Anonymous AA, which he creditswith saving his life.
(22:17):
For me, I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
known as CR, which helped meheal a deep hurt.
That is CR's goal to help youheal any hurt, hang up or habits
.
I also mentioned Bradshaw'sreference to the fall in Genesis
and he notes that fourrelationships were broken by
(22:37):
Adam's toxic shame therelationship with God, the
relationship with self, therelationship with brother and
neighbor Cain kills Abel and therelationship with the world
nature.
The 12 steps restore thoserelationships.
They lead to a spiritualawakening.
I gave just a brief overview ofthe 12 steps.
(23:00):
A lot goes into each step andworking the program takes time.
It's not a quick fix.
When I worked the 12-stepprogram with Celebrate Recovery,
we met weekly for about eightmonths.
So the process takes time butit works if you work the program
and it's worth it.
And finally, I mentioned thatyou may have heard of 12-step
(23:20):
programs but did not have aclear understanding of how the
programs work.
I hope, going over today eachof the 12 steps, as well as the
goals of the 12 steps to restorerelationships and lead to a
spiritual awakening, I hope thisgives you more clarity and
insight into programs likeAlcoholics Anonymous and
(23:42):
Celebrate Recovery.
I hope this was helpful.
So this is our show for today.
Thanks for listening to ourTeen Moms Anonymous podcast.
We are a podcast for teenmothers and adult mothers who
were teen mothers, especiallythose who survived violence and
abuse.
Our focus is on emotionalhealth and wellness, because we
know that emotionally healthymothers are better equipped to
(24:04):
nurture the emotionaldevelopment of their children.
I'm your host, Dr.
Chris Stroble, founder of TeenMoms Anonymous, a ministry for
teen mothers and adult motherswho were teen mothers, and the
award-winning author of HelpingTeen Moms Graduate Strategies
for Family, Schools andCommunity Organizations.
I hope this information has beenhelpful to you.
If it has, send us a message,to let us know, we love to hear
(24:28):
from listeners.
You can email us atinfo@teenmomsA.
org again info@ teenmomsA.
org or you can visit our website, teenmomsA.
org.
Fill out the contact form.
If you have questions or topicsyou'd like me to discuss, send
those to me and I will addressas many as I can in future shows
.
(24:49):
Finally, we are committed towalking alongside you on your
journey of emotional health andwellness, so stay connected to
us.
Follow us on social mediaInstagram and Facebook at Team
Moms Anonymous.
Visit our website, teemomsA.
org, and subscribe to our blogand our podcast
.
If you are in the Greenville,spartanburg, south Carolina area
(25:10):
, we offer local, in-person,non-shaming support groups where
teen mothers and adult motherswho were teen mothers can come
out of hiding and expose, talkabout and heal their toxic shame
.
We don't offer online supportgroups at this time.
I've had agencies from multipleme about online support groups
(25:32):
, but at time we don't havethe infrastructure to ensure the
safety of our members, so wecan't offer online support
groups on social media.
Subscribe to our podcast.
(26:08):
We'll see you the next time.
I will just battle them right.
I got the victory.
I got the sweet, sweet victoryin Jesus For me.
He died, but he rose on thethird day.
That's why I choose to.
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