Breaker High, Episode 11: Chateau L'Feet J'mae

Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 11: “Chateau L’Feet J’mae” which I can only assume is a representation of a gross mispronunciation of the French language, and we are officially a quarter of the way through the series.

Our location is established right up front: Ashley is upset that the students are in Bordeaux, when Paris is so close, but she does have Alex’s arm wrapped around her and her fingers lace with his (God, the mixed signals on this show). And then her mother somehow arrives? Of course, they are wearing the same outfit and have the exact same interests - Ashley’s mom was “called to Paris for an emergency meeting of the Pageant Mothers’ Society,” and had to come visit Breaker High once she was so close by. Ashley immediately takes her on a tour of the boat without introducing her to the friend group, and Alex does call it out - we’ll see what that’s all about.

After the theme song, it’s time to choose off-ship excursions. Tony offers a “Tour de Tony” bike ride through the French countryside, modeled more closely after the Tour de France than a leisurely cycle. Once Max learns he doesn’t have to wear the cycling garb Tony has on, he’s in, and so is Cassidy - let their unsanctioned race begin.

Sean and Jimmy wind up at a winery. While Sean is disappointed that he’s not offered any of the wine to taste (probably a little too young, bud), Jimmy is thrilled with the accompanying cheese, and kind of accidentally starts hitting it off with the winemaker’s daughter.

Back on the ship, we find Ashley and her mother on the pool deck in matching sunhats, pearl necklaces and swimsuits, reading magazine issues of Bride and Fashionable Divorcee respectively. Alex comes over to introduce himself, assuming Ashley’s mom will at least have heard of him, but he is disappointed when she says she doesn’t believe Ashley’s ever mentioned him. Ashley tries to save face, but Alex clearly doesn’t buy it. When he walks away, we start to find out why Ashley’s been keeping her friends and family separate: her mom starts talking about wanting to make sure Ashley is associating with “the best people” and from other context we know she means the wealthiest. Ugh. It is nice to know that Ashley’s starting to break away from that thinking, though.

Oh goodness. The winemaker’s daughter starts making out with Jimmy, and in his desperation to find something to hold on to, he grabs the lever that is meant to start the automatic grape-crushers and pulls it out of the wall, throwing the entire winemaking schedule off course.

This is why you don’t race ahead, kids: As Cassidy and Max charge ahead of their biking group, Cassidy falls off her bike into a ditch, hits her head on a rock and is thereby unresponsive when Max calls her name. It’s always these two getting separated from the pack - hopefully this time they’re more easily found and not passed by.

Ashley’s mother continues to put her foot in her mouth, calling Ashley’s friends “unmannered,” insisting she’s not the kind of mother who interferes but then immediately hinting, “You’re not wearing that to lunch, are you?”, and saying things like “When you and Tyler get married, it’ll be the most wonderful merger.” When she finds the picture of Alex and Ashley arm in arm in India and starts making comments, Ashley snaps, calling her intolerant and snobby. While the audience may cheer, Ashley’s mother is furious, saying she’ll take Ashley off the boat and enroll her in a proper girls’ school in Atlanta, leaving tomorrow. Uh oh.

In the next scene, we find Ashley talking to Alex, having told him the bad news. She rambles about how her mother doesn’t know anyone different from herself, and that her mother would like Alex if she just got to know him. Alex is touched and grabs her hand sweetly, but is firm in his words: “Don’t tell me, tell your mom.”

Cassidy is still unresponsive as Max bandages up a scrape on her leg, and the rest of the group hasn’t shown up yet. When a truck he tries to flag down doesn’t stop, he puts his helmet back on and starts to get back on his bike - I understand wanting to get her help but am very unsure if leaving her alone is the right thing to do right now!

As penance for breaking the winery machinery, Jimmy gets to stomp the grapes (ah, so that’s what the episode title is referencing), and he lasts all of 15 minutes before becoming too tired to continue on his own. The winemaker’s daughter, whose name we learn is Monette, says it’ll take an entire village to stomp all the grapes, and Sean has an idea - Breaker High GrapeFest coming up?

Max finds Tony, but he’s too late - the group already found Cassidy and got her the medical attention she needed, so all Max gets from Tony is a lecture about how he must have cared too much about the race if he left her on her own. Max tries to protest, but Tony isn’t hearing it, so