February 13, 2025 • 44 mins
Comedians Vittorio Leonardi, Jerry Tosun and Roman Harris tell of a proposition, two timers and a romantic gesture gone sideways.
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Vittorio Leonardi @vthejester
Jerry Tosun@jerry.thecomic
Roman Harris @hardyhaahaa & Eulogise Me Podcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, you're all very welcome to Telling Tinder Tales, the podcast where people can
(00:08):
confess their interesting dating stories with me, Chris O'Neill.
And me, Thomasin Lockwood.
For our first series, we've gathered together 15 comedians from all over the world to tell
us their tales of hookups, romance and dating.
So Telling Tinder Tales is an opportunity for people to tell romance-related stories.
The great thing about them is that people think they should be terrible, they should
(00:29):
be depressing, they should be difficult and they turn out to be uplifting and happy and
cheery.
Yeah, sharing is caring.
In this episode, we'll have three guests joining us.
They'll tell us their story, we'll ask them some questions about it and we'll have a
good laugh.
Coming up on today's show.
Clearly she would have to be on top, otherwise I'm going to keep honking the horn.
(00:51):
Eventually he had to leave the country, I mean, because of this.
I'm shocked and stunned.
Imagine how I felt, you know, and you know, the fabric, it doesn't smell lingered for
a while.
Well, we're not going to hang around much.
(01:14):
We have three guests here.
We have Vittorio, we have Roman and we have Jerry.
Would you like to give us a shout out, folks, and say hello?
Hello.
Hey there.
Well, excellent job,
So, Thomasin, how have you been up to?
It's been a big week for me, Chris, actually.
For the first time ever, I downloaded a dating app.
(01:35):
I went with Hinge.
I matched with someone and he sent me a haiku.
A haiku?
Yeah.
A haiku?
A haiku?
A romantic haiku?
What's the story with the haiku?
You know what?
Should I read it out?
Yeah.
Oh, because I said on my profile, I like ABBA and that I liked traveling on trains.
(01:55):
It's a great profile, guys, really.
Stay with me.
So, he said, ABBA fan on rail, hopefully arriving at Waterloo station.
Okay.
This guy's a poet, is he?
He's a writer, which I liked.
(02:16):
Honestly, I actually responded with my own haiku.
I said, that's not a bad try.
Regrettably one part wrong.
We end at King's Cross.
To be honest, we're just having a conversation with slight rhythm.
I feel like haikus are a bit of a scam, if I'm honest.
(02:37):
Yeah, they are.
They're not either poetry or prose.
They're halfway in between.
It's like something an accountant would come up with, you know?
Yeah, accountant are an actuary, which is worse.
Anyway.
My dad's an actuary.
I'm sorry I've offended the actuary who's listening, but never.
Anyway.
The actuary fan base.
(02:58):
No, come back.
We need you.
Yeah, statistically unlikely.
That's a joke.
Anyway, so, yes.
So tell me this, how did this poetic endeavour land with you?
Obviously, quite positively.
You know what?
I appreciate effort.
I appreciate whimsy.
We did go for coffee.
(03:21):
I wouldn't really call it a date.
He was nice enough, but before I got there, he texted and was like, sorry, I'm really
badly dressed.
And I thought maybe he was insecure about his dress sense, but no, he was just dressed
really shabbily and he hadn't washed his hair.
It didn't smell bad, but he smelled like that hair needs a wash.
(03:42):
It's like, you're on your third day, boy.
And I was really, he was nice enough, but I just thought, no, like if that's you on
the first date, what are you going to be like after five years?
I can't do this like who or not.
Yeah.
If you don't wash, that's a big, that's a red flag.
That's a deal breaker.
That's a red flag.
That's a first encounter.
(04:05):
This is how low the bar is for us women.
I was there thinking, oh, should I give him another chance?
Maybe he'll shower on the second day.
I felt bad.
I genuinely was thinking to myself, oh, like, am I being too fussy?
Like, am I being too high maintenance?
No, you're not.
No, hygiene, basic.
(04:26):
Yeah, no.
I mean, I know, definitely not.
No, that's just a basic.
Yeah.
And what's worse is he knew.
He knew because he told me.
Yeah, that is worse.
That makes it actively worse.
Yeah.
He'd been suddenly helping his grandmother get a cat out of the attic and he was dishevelled
as a result.
(04:46):
That would be fine, but no.
Yeah.
Or if he'd been like, you know, all night writing all these haikus, it's just been pouring
out of me.
I'm just like such a romantic poet that I write and the time gets away with me and oh, no,
then I had to go for a date and I just ran out the door.
I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry.
No, Thomas, that's worrying in a different way.
Okay.
That's just worrying in a different way.
(05:09):
It's still wrong.
It's just a different form of wrong.
So that's my experience of the dating app so far, but I have another date next week
and we'll see how that goes.
Tune in, guys.
Excellent.
When you can report in.
Without further ado, I think we'll get on with the telling Tinder tales bit and we'll
(05:31):
start with Vittorio.
Vittorio, where are you in from and what's your story?
What's your tale, at least?
Well, um, originally from South Africa, moved to Ireland about three years ago.
So living here now in the delightful metropolitan powerhouse that is Navan.
So it's a Tinder tale.
Where to begin doing stand up allows you to meet a lot of interesting people as a comic.
(05:57):
You're not a rock star.
Rock stars appeal to emotional aspects of people.
Comedians appeal to the intellectual.
So to have groupies is a different experience.
I was working a gig.
I was the emcee at this venue.
This one lass took an interest in me and she was a fair bit younger than me.
(06:18):
I think maybe 10 years younger than me at the time.
Probably still is because that's how time works.
And what happened was she took an interest in me, which was fine, except she was the
girlfriend of the bouncer.
She was rather fine with the flirting and the fooling about and all the rest of it.
(06:39):
I wasn't.
Because I have this weird thing, date one person at a time.
It felt really weird to me.
Yeah, it's because I was raised Catholic.
But it wasn't even that.
It was just, I was always like quite conservative at that thing.
If it was just the one incident where she was clearly interested, then that was fine.
But I mean, it happened a lot.
(07:01):
And this time went on, it just got weirder.
I think the strangest one was during the soccer World Cup.
And I went off to this restaurant where her, the boyfriend, all of his friends, and a bunch
of us, they were all watching the game.
And at this point she said, so shall we go out to your car and shake?
And I was like, I look out.
(07:26):
Now keep in mind, this is the first time anyone's ever propositioned me this way.
So my brain's going, OK, play it cool.
No, don't play it cool.
Your car is the only vehicle in that parking lot for at least three or four vehicles around
it.
(07:47):
And there's a streetlight shining on it.
I'm going, this logistically is not going to work.
From from a share, we're going to be there and I know what I weigh.
So my mirror works and my scale works as well.
(08:07):
So the idea that the car is going, the shock absorbers are going to be working.
It's just the idea of I get it.
You know, she's like five foot nothing less than that.
I'm six to.
So clearly just she would have to be on top.
(08:28):
Otherwise, you know, I'm going to keep honking the horn.
This is because I don't do narrow and my elbows stick out.
So it was just that was special.
And you know, we were friends for a while, but I just I never knew how to handle any
(08:49):
of it.
That was that was about the weirdest that got.
And there were like photos sent back and forth and things like that.
Yeah, just really not in my wheelhouse.
Like, yeah, when I remember being a teenager thinking, you know, whereas it's a hot passionate
romance and no, no, clearly, apparently, I'm too much for talk for that.
(09:11):
I'm just not built for that.
I'm going to ask you one thing before we go any further.
You didn't make any reference to the fact that it was the bouncer, right?
Now, bouncers aren't famously passive, quiet or restrained.
No, I mean, that was the thing, though.
I mean, my concern was always, you know, this dude is younger than me and looks like he works
(09:34):
out and also, you know, you have to understand in South Africa, the Italian community, and
you also get the Greek Portuguese Lebanese community.
There's a certain vibe about being tough.
I wasn't raised with that.
We'll call him Jeff.
Jeff is a young dude.
I mean, if he started a fight with me, I can't fight a fight at all.
(09:57):
I mean, my my plan for getting into a fight, the only thing I can think of is I know what
I weigh.
So my theory would be to grab hold of the person and then fall on them.
Because I figure once their spleen flies out of their nose, you know, I'll win.
This is WWF realness.
(10:20):
Big fan.
I wasn't, have you any questions for this man?
Yes.
I love how there was a pause.
It's a this...man.
It's the sort of thing you would hear at the UN where they're like going, this first.
This man.
I tell you what, Vittoro, you really buried the lead because because I also coming from
(10:41):
a family of Catholics, I understand how the concept of, you know, shame or so when you
were like, you know, she's flirting with me and I'm having this existential crisis because
my Catholicism and I was like, yeah, I've been there.
But then you gave an example of the flirting of her saying, do you want to go out back
for a shag?
My darling, that is not flirting.
(11:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's at that point, you pretty much won the race.
I think my question to you is, what did you say to turn her down?
I think it might have been something as simple as, no.
There's this, it's like, if you've forgotten that your boyfriend is sitting right there
(11:24):
with all of his friends.
I mean, I think I just was like, no, either that or I did the really bashful thing, which
is, oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
That's your moi.
I have used that myself before.
It does.
It does work.
Well, yeah, I think it was if you giggle at someone and go, I don't be silly.
(11:46):
Yeah.
It's like, no, no, we're not being silly.
You were the forest right there.
Stop it.
I think that's a nice one.
That I love that.
Oh, stop it.
Oh, do you stop?
You.
Yeah.
So, Roman, have you any questions for this man?
And have you any comments or observations?
(12:07):
Okay, questions.
Well, the one thing that popped into my mind throughout your story, you said that some
pictures were sent back and forth.
So this would suggest that you did entertain the flirting a little bit.
So did you actually enjoy that section of the flirting?
Was that quite fun?
Yeah.
(12:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, that was perfectly fine.
I think it was more, let's face it, I think you don't get arms like this going to a gym.
I'd spent more than my fair share of time on the internet.
And so the idea of the, you know, these, what?
(12:49):
What is this?
Wow, you speak of this.
2054.
Pornhub is a thing.
Okay.
It's the Olympics.
So you don't say it out loud.
You don't show your arms.
Look at my life's work.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, it was a case of, I think psychologically, I suppose there would be a thing is that I'd
(13:11):
heard stories about this thing of someone sending you nudes and such stuff.
It was all such a massive shock and a massive ego boost as well.
We're going to come for a quick question to Jerry now if she wants to ask us anything.
And what have you got in mind, Jerry, your reaction to this situation?
Yeah.
I think that's like a real spicy story.
(13:32):
But I wonder what happened to the girl after that incident?
Like did you hear she flirted with someone else after you when you rejected her?
No, there was, I think there was probably a fair bit of flirting with other people.
I mean, I was, it was weird.
I was always this weird sort of a friend fallback position.
It's like we never, we never fooled around none in that sense.
(13:54):
The most of us were the equivalent of messages going back and forth and images.
And that was about it.
I mean, every now and again, I would, you know, I'd bump into it a venue or stuff like
that.
And the attraction was definitely there.
But the thing at this point, then I'm involved with somebody.
(14:15):
And yeah, it was one of the first big dating rules that I was ever told.
You know, it's just love, honor, respect.
And as an afterthought, the same person said to me, oh, and don't shag anybody else.
And that's, that was pretty much it.
It was that was, that was what stayed with me.
So yeah, the thought, the thoughts were always there.
(14:39):
But thoughts, as long as you don't, the thought police don't exist, you don't get dragged
away for it.
Okay, Vittorio, that's been fascinating and a bit worrying.
So yes.
And so yeah, Thomasin, do you want to introduce our next guest?
Absolutely.
I'm very excited to introduce our next story.
So Jerry, please tell us where you're calling in from today.
(15:02):
And when you're ready, I cannot wait to hear your tale.
Amazing.
Thank you, Thomassin.
So I'm calling in from the birthplace of Pornhub today, which is Luxembourg.
It's a theme growing.
Yes, it's a country for the ones who didn't hear about it before.
(15:24):
Because I mean, honestly, I didn't know it was a country before I moved here a couple
of years ago.
And yeah, I had to find ways to adjust to the life in Luxembourg because I was living
in Turkey before.
And the city I was living in had more than 20 million people.
(15:47):
And Luxembourg has less than 1 million people.
So in that context, my Tinder tale starts, let's say.
So within the first year I was living here, I felt really lonely.
And I was trying to find a nice boyfriend.
And after a couple of trials, the last boyfriend I dated for a couple of months broke up with
(16:12):
me.
And so I was a bit vulnerable, you know, when I met this gorgeous man, he was a professional
athlete.
And he was a national swimmer.
And actually we were from the same country that also made the attraction really powerful
from the beginning.
(16:32):
So we were both Turkish.
And he looked amazing.
Like I have never even seen such a handsome person in my life, you know, with my bare
eyes.
So I was really caught up in the situation.
But he was, you know, still also establishing his life in a different country.
(16:55):
So soon I understood that we wouldn't go into a serious relationship, even though I wanted
to.
But yeah, we were like on and off for maybe seven and eight months.
And eventually I realized that I was falling in love with him, but he was like moving away
(17:16):
from me more and more.
So we cut the contact.
I cut the ties with him.
But he was still like sending me messages.
He sent me a short movie that he made to, you know, because he was also writing songs.
So he was like super handsome, but also a singer and songwriter.
(17:38):
So I was already, I was already feeling like a teenager walking around really wet all the
time around him.
And he was a swimmer.
Definitely.
All right.
(17:58):
And yeah, so I didn't hear about him for a while.
Meanwhile, I started doing stand-up comedy.
And I was like inviting him to watch me because I don't know why I was expecting him to, you
know, like me when he seen me on stage.
(18:18):
It didn't work out as well.
He never came to my shows.
But I started swimming as well.
And I saw him in the swimming pool on a Sunday morning, 9 a.m. where no one else goes to,
you know, sports or working out.
I was there.
He was there too.
(18:39):
So I went to, I went to say hi to him.
And we started, you know, meeting, seeing each other again.
But this time only as friends.
And I was asking him like if he has a girlfriend.
And he was saying me like, no, there is no other girl in his life.
So I started to have some expectations again.
(19:02):
And I heard about this movie competition.
It was a 48 hours movie competition.
Anyone could enrol.
And because I knew he wanted to make movies, I convinced him to join this competition together.
And he said yes.
But he was like keeping something.
(19:24):
I was not really honest about the situation because he was telling me like, hey, can we
shoot this movie on the telephone?
Yeah.
So that was something odd.
And eventually one day we booked a date to discuss about the movie on a Saturday evening.
But he never called me back.
(19:46):
But I knew that he could have been in the swimming pool.
So I went to swimming pool as well and waited for him.
And he came to the swimming pool with another girl.
And she got really upset when she saw me.
And they started to have an argument.
I was just watching from afar and I actually left the swimming pool because it was the
(20:10):
closing time already.
But I waited in the bus stop.
So after a while they both came to the bus stop.
And he had to introduce me to her and her to me.
But he said my friend, Jerry, my friend, let's say Amanda.
(20:31):
And then I was like, we got to the bus.
And I was like, you are coming to my place, right?
Because that was the deal.
And he said, no, I'm going to her place.
And I was like, who is she?
And she was looking at me like, who is she?
(20:52):
And I went to her.
Who are you?
And she said, he's my boyfriend.
And I was like, but he's coming to my place tonight.
And she got really pissed off.
Like immediately she's an Italian girl from the South.
She was so angry.
And apparently he lied to her about me.
(21:15):
He lied to me about her.
And he was like lying about so many other things to her.
And eventually she just left him on the spot.
We started to talk to this girl on Instagram.
And actually he blocked me eventually.
(21:37):
But we still kept in touch with this girl.
Yes.
And eventually he had to leave the country.
I mean, because of so many other lies probably.
I mean, all the other ladies.
Was he actually a swimmer?
(21:59):
What do you swim?
For condoms.
And yeah, I mean, at the beginning I thought the thing I got from this story is if something
is too good to be true, it's not true.
But eventually what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
(22:22):
And because all of this going to swimming pool and trying to meet them stuff made me
decide to swim regularly as well.
And eventually I finished the swimming marathon in Istanbul.
I crossed continents by swimming to kind of compensate this swimmer guy.
(22:47):
And this is amazing.
Oh, that's great.
Well done.
If this was a live show, the audience would give you a standing ovation.
Yeah, excellent.
Very good.
And I'm just curious about one thing.
How does a Turkish swimmer end up in Luxembourg?
Not on the coast, not famously aquatic.
(23:10):
How did that happen, George?
Do you know?
Or do you care?
I think he knew some people like some swimming coaches around this region.
Thomas, have you any questions for Jerry?
Absolutely, I do.
And first of all, congratulations and all your swimming achievements has absolute like,
(23:31):
oh my God, the best revenge is success.
You killed it.
And first of all, I also think it's very brave of you to invite him to your stand up as a
way of enticing him.
I don't know what your stand up looks like.
But if I wanted someone to stop fancying me, I would invite them to my stand up.
That would be my method.
So anyway, I have two questions for you.
(23:54):
First of all, considering how just how good looking this man was and enticing for you,
I would love to know if he was like a celebrity lookalike, if you were to cast someone as
him in the movie, like who does he look like, who would play him?
And then secondly, I want to know what the movie plot of this 48 hour movie you were
trying to also entice him with was.
(24:14):
Was it romantic?
Like what?
Tell me more.
Yeah, so I think his face is not particularly charming.
Okay.
But his body is.
Maybe that's why he was into making movies and not being in front of the camera.
(24:38):
Sure.
Yeah, but he may have looked like Colin Farrell.
Maybe.
Oh, okay.
Colin Farrell, drawn from memory.
Okay.
Yeah, with some Turkish look.
(25:01):
And the movie competition, yeah, actually that was a random, random thing.
So they give you a team and mandatory dialogue on Friday evening and you have only 48 hours
to make a short movie.
I was in one of those.
It's yeah.
It's the writer, comedian or.
(25:23):
I was one of the actors.
They had me play death.
I did that too recently.
I think that's typecasting, Vittorio.
Vittorio, did you have any questions for Jerry?
I was so hoping that he wasn't going to be that he wasn't going to be lying to this extent
as going, please don't be one of those guys.
(25:45):
And then when you arrive at the pool and there's this other woman, how you keep your
composure?
How did you keep your composure during all of that?
I mean, the fact I love the fact that you ended up chatting with her afterwards is going,
please let that happen.
Please let that happen.
Is that just that's just going to be awesome.
But I mean, how do you just how do you deal with that when somebody's lying quite obviously
to your face?
(26:06):
Yeah, I think that gives you some sort of strength, right?
All those adrenaline keeps you also calm, but also yet Thomas said revenge, right?
So I was like hoping for this sweet revenge at the end.
(26:27):
That's beautiful because I mean, to have the presence of mind to us to say, but aren't
you coming back to my place?
Oh, you are dead.
I think that's a testament to how good this guy's body was.
Like he must have had a great body.
(26:48):
There is a nod going on by Jerry, by the way.
And Roman, was that was that your only comment of the story?
No, I got I got a question.
I am curious because obviously this guy, you know, he was, I know I'm very mindful of
swimmers the moment you said he was a swimmer.
Immediately I was like, this guy's physique is amazing because I remember during the Olympics,
(27:09):
I was a little bit transfixed myself.
But what I was going to ask is now do you get triggered?
Like if you meet guys who can swim, are you are you are you more looking for guys who
can't swim and are maybe a little bit more physically challenged?
Like, is that what you're going for these days?
Well, that's a great question.
(27:34):
Because in fact, my current boyfriend has nothing to do with a swimmer body.
I mean, I hope he won't listen to this.
But he can, he can, you know, he has the, you know, base.
I believe the term is dad bod you're looking for it.
(27:56):
You're down with the kids.
But yeah, I mean, it's really inspired me to have that body for myself.
So I will, you know, give that impression to other people.
Okay.
That's very cool.
That is very, very cool.
Can I just ask one thing that popped into my head though?
(28:18):
The current guy who you said he doesn't have a swimmer body, what sport would you say he's
more aligned to playing, if any?
Oh my God, I need to check the English name for this sport.
That's like, it's gonna be a chess.
(28:41):
We've got Google wrestling.
Okay.
So he's quite strong.
But yeah, you need to, yeah, it's not revealing itself.
He's not massively built.
He just happens to have a lot of upper body strength.
(29:02):
It's not like superficial, like swimmer's body, but you need to really pay attention
and see the jam inside.
Right.
But Vittorio, I was going to say, you could have helped you take on that bouncer, the wrestling
news.
You know, I'm not one to fight because once, all fight goes out of a person once he gets
(29:26):
smacked once in the face.
That is the official line in the sand, I think for most people, especially guys in my mind.
So I think of, to quote Daffy Duck, I don't like pain.
I thought you were going to go on to quote Mike Tyson, they're like, everybody's got
a plan until they get punched in the face.
But you're like, and to end that Daffy Duck.
I love it.
(29:46):
I love it.
I love it.
Yes, cartoon lore for life.
Right.
So that was really fascinating and very aquatic.
Jerry, thank you very much.
I'm going to go to Roman next and see what Roman has to say.
How wonder does it involve swimming our bodies?
Swimming our bodies.
Let's find out together.
(30:12):
So I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic and whenever there's a woman that I'm interested
in or someone that I take a liking to, I will go over and above for them.
And there was a lady some years back now, but we struck up a bit of a friendship.
(30:33):
We met when I was working in a supermarket and she was a customer and we got to talking
and then that talking led to being a little bit more friendly with each other.
And I really wanted to impress her.
That's the thing.
I like to try and impress a woman and be there for them.
That's the thing.
Like if they need me, I want to be there.
(30:54):
So one night I was at home.
I was just chilling.
I was relaxing.
I wasn't thinking of going anywhere, but she invited me out with her friends to a club.
The problem is they didn't have any transportation to get there.
So at the time I was a driver.
I had a car, a little VW polo was my ride.
(31:17):
Anyway, so I said, look, I'll drive you all there.
Now I knew this was probably a bad idea when I picked them up and they were already drinking
white wine.
And I was like, okay, so they got into my car with white wine and we're driving through
(31:38):
the streets of London.
We get to this club and as soon as it was three of them, so it was the girl I was interested
in and her two friends.
And when they got out of the car, one of her friends was gone, totally, totally bladdered.
And she was...
She was such a tall lady.
(31:59):
And I'm five foot six.
And she had heels on.
So she was massive and towering over me, but she was, she was falling over the place.
I was trying to hold her up and the bouncer saw her and was like, she's not coming in.
Right.
Now the girl and her friend, they still wanted to have a night out.
Looking back on this, they were terrible friends to her.
(32:21):
Right.
Like looking back on it because they were like, well, we still want to go out.
Right.
Now remember, like I said, I want to impress and I want to be able to do things for you
so that you know that I care about you.
So I said to the girl, I said, listen, you and your friend go out.
I'll take your friend home.
I'll make sure she gets home safe.
(32:41):
Now on so many levels looking back on it, it shows how bad they were in terms of being
friends towards her because they're just leaving this drunk woman with me and don't get me
wrong.
I got no intention of doing anything untoward, but you would think, let me make sure my friend's
okay.
You know?
So anyway, I ended up, you know, they gave me her address.
I drove her home.
(33:02):
Her sister was there.
Like I said, she was really tall.
So I managed to get her out of the car.
I got her.
I was like trying to hold her up.
I got her to the door of the apartment and her sister opened the door.
Her sister was running a bar for her because we had called ahead and I said, look, she's
really, really drunk.
(33:23):
So anyway, I got her home and then I thought, all right, listen, I'm not going out tonight.
I'm going to go home.
I'm just going to get back to my piece.
Drive back home.
And as I'm parking my car, I don't know if you're drivers, you might do this, right?
You might be able to associate with this, but as I was reversing to park my car, sometimes
(33:44):
you put your hand on the passenger seat to kind of just brace yourself as you're looking
back.
And I put my hand on the passenger seat and it was wet.
And I was like, I was like, it didn't register at first because at first I was thinking,
there was no alcohol in the front seat of the car.
No one was drinking on the way.
(34:07):
So I can see you are all ahead of me, right?
And initially, I'm praying.
Initially, you did ask if my story had anything to do with water or bodies.
It's also aquatic.
And it has to do with both.
I am prescient.
I am prescient.
So I picked my hand up and I sniffed it.
(34:30):
I just put it up.
And I was like, oh my gosh, I couldn't believe it.
She pissed on my car seat.
It was a leather seat.
This is a fabric.
That is the classy giraffe you had there.
It was painful, right?
It was that feeling of like, you're so amazed that this happened that you can't help but
(34:53):
just kind of laugh.
It was like I was in the car laughing, you know?
Anyway, I got back upstairs and I just sent the most abrasive text message to this girl
that I was interested in, right?
I was like, you will never believe what your friend did to my car.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're kind of person does something like this.
(35:14):
And lo and behold, that was the last time I ever saw or heard from the girl I was interested
in or her friend.
So yeah.
I'm shocked and stunned.
I'm shocked and stunned.
Imagine how I felt, you know?
And you know, fabric, that smell lingered for a while.
I think it's...
(35:36):
I was going to say, did you send her the cleaning bowl?
That was it.
Communication was totally cut after that.
I don't even think she would have wanted to see me again because let's be honest, if
a friend does that to someone else, you don't want to have to confront that person again.
So that's my tinned detail.
And...
Amazing.
Amazing.
Quite a wet point.
(35:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thomasin.
Yes.
Yeah.
Any questions, Thomason?
Yes.
So, Roman and I actually are good friends.
We met on the comedy scene.
We did like a show up in Edinburgh Fringe our first time.
We're good friends.
And I'm just thinking as you're telling me this story, you've given me lifts in your
(36:20):
car before.
Oh my God.
And now...
What's wondering?
Now I'm just thinking of all the times I've sat in that passenger seat.
I guess my question to you is how did you clean it up?
Like what did that look like?
Did you do it?
Please tell me you did it well.
No, I did it very well.
(36:41):
To be fair, I tried to do it myself for a while and it involved a lot of scrubbing and then
turning the heat on in the car to try and dry things out.
But at the end of the day, I just had to get it valed, I had to take it somewhere professional.
They did a good job in the end.
They got the smell out.
And to be fair, Thomason, you've always had lifts in my Prius.
(37:02):
Like not the Polo.
The Polo's gone now.
So someone else is sitting in the pissy seat.
You know?
Oh God.
It's not that when you sold it on.
Bless you.
What's that smell?
Nothing.
It's like...
Did you smell asparagus?
It's a new type of air freshener.
Oh God.
And then I had one more question, which is you said you said you met her when you were
(37:26):
working at a supermarket.
Now, I suppose the moral of the story is don't date people you meet in the supermarket.
But when I think of the staff at my local supermarket, they don't even want to look
at me, man.
They're like, leave me alone.
I really want to know how that first interaction went.
You see the thing is I was always quite an approachable person in the supermarket.
(37:49):
I was always quite friendly.
I've even been known to write a poem or two for regular customers who I took a fancy to.
Yeah, yeah.
This was years ago.
There's some customers out there who have poems from me.
That guy in the fruit and veg aisle, he wrote this for me.
Oh, no.
All right.
What?
What?
(38:10):
So, yeah.
Did the poems rhyme?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a big rhyming.
You remember anything?
I'm always on the run.
No, no, no.
Was it a high crew?
That's the thing, yeah.
I'm thinking, did I match with you the other day?
Like, good.
Guys just out there sending pros and haikus.
(38:30):
I was honestly, if you can remember any of it, please tell me now.
No, there's no way I can remember.
These are so many years ago.
No way I can remember now.
But I like the idea that someone's out there with a poem from this random guy who used
to work at a supermarket that will remain nameless.
But yeah.
Jerry, have you any questions on this particular topic?
Yeah, I mean, what was her reaction?
(38:52):
I mean, the girl you wanted to go further, she was interested in.
What was her reaction when you told her that her friend just pissed on your seat?
Did she try to compensate?
Did she try to do something?
Let me ask you this, Jerry.
What would you have done?
(39:12):
If I contacted you and said, your friend just pissed in my car, would you even, would you
respond?
Would you respond?
I mean, maybe it could be something like, okay, what do you want in return to forgive
us?
I've got a great idea for a 48 hour film.
Put you in my movie.
(39:34):
There's a person, there's a bee in my car, dear Eliza.
Easy to shoot, only you need a car, only the front seat.
To be honest, she never, she never, I haven't, I never heard from her again.
She never, she never responded.
She never said sorry.
It was literally like radio silence.
(39:56):
I have to say in all the circumstances, I might have been tempted to contact her and
offer her a lift home on the same night.
That is genius.
Now that, that is revenge.
And when she inquired, give her the information.
(40:16):
Now that right there.
Your friend spilled some wine, sort of.
Eventually.
Yes, processed wine.
Victoria, have you any questions for Roman very quickly?
Please tell me, Roman, you have found romance since then because you write poems for people.
(40:37):
Come on.
You drove this, this last home.
I just, I'm sorry.
It's not nice when the universe decides, yeah, we're going to kick him in the teeth.
A really nice one.
Like, I mean, the fact that the universe said, and we will anoint us his chair with oils.
Well, you know, you know, they say like, you got to take the bad situations that happen
(40:59):
in your life.
But you've already said it well, you get stronger from them, right?
And also you've got to take the bad and you've got to turn it into something.
That's what we as comedians do.
But I come from a singer songwriter background and I wrote a song during lockdown called
she peed on my car seat.
You can listen to it on Spotify right now.
(41:23):
Yes, yes, Roman.
I'm starting to understand why you never saw this woman again in the super love group.
Right.
That's worrying.
The song's even more worrying because it's really good.
This has been great.
Thomas, do you have any last words, so to speak, before we wind up here?
(41:46):
No, not at all.
I just think I think a through line of aquatics, wrestling and revenge.
Absolutely brilliant, all of you.
Just before we say goodbye, I would love to give you the opportunity to give a shout out
plug.
Any of your socials, your podcasts, we'll start with Vittorio.
Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at V the Jester.
That's usually where you'll find out gigs that I'm doing.
(42:08):
And yeah, Facebook is at Vittorio Leo.
Same on X slash Twitter.
Whatever the hell it's calling itself now.
We're dead naming it.
We call it Twitter.
Okay.
So yeah, that's me.
It's at the moment.
Just see me at a gig.
(42:30):
It'll be good fun.
Excellent.
And Jerry?
Yes, it's more simpler for me.
You can find me on Instagram as Jerry.thecomic.
Please follow me if you liked my story.
Perfect.
And Roman.
Yeah, you can find me on all the socials at hardyhaahaa.
(42:51):
That's my handle.
I have a handle that makes people laugh.
So yeah.
So yeah.
So that's my handle.
I'm impressed you got that without having to add.
I did have to add two A's for each.
Ha ha, though.
I was fully expecting hardyha.
Ha ha.
P.
Oh, bless you.
(43:12):
And I do have a podcast also which you can check out.
It's called eulogize me where I get my guests to write their own eulogy and then we get them
to read it on the podcast and we have an interview and discuss it.
Geez.
That's it.
Excellent.
Okay.
So thank you all very much.
Thank you to Jerry and Roman and Vittorio.
(43:32):
And of course, thank you to my wonderful co-host, Thomasin.
And you've all been wonderful.
Thank you very much.
And we shall now see you at gigs.
Thank you very much.
And goodbye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Telling Tinder Tales is hosted and produced by me, Chris O'Neill and Thomasin Lockwood,
(43:55):
produced and edited by Lucie Regan with music by Qunicas Moreira.
It's a Jesters Comedy Dublin production and is no way affiliated with or endorsed by Tinder.
If you have a story to tell, please get in touch.
Details are in the show notes.
And if you like us, instead of swiping right, follow us on Instagram and or TikTok at
(44:16):
@ Telling Tinder Tales.
Hello, you're all very welcome to Telling Tinder Tales, the podcast where people can
(00:08):
confess their interesting dating stories with me, Chris O'Neill.
And me, Thomasin Lockwood.
For our first series, we've gathered together 15 comedians from all over the world to tell
us their tales of hookups, romance and dating.
So Telling Tinder Tales is an opportunity for people to tell romance-related stories.
The great thing about them is that people think they should be terrible, they should
(00:29):
be depressing, they should be difficult and they turn out to be uplifting and happy and
cheery.
Yeah, sharing is caring.
In this episode, we'll have three guests joining us.
They'll tell us their story, we'll ask them some questions about it and we'll have a
good laugh.
Coming up on today's show.
Clearly she would have to be on top, otherwise I'm going to keep honking the horn.
(00:51):
Eventually he had to leave the country, I mean, because of this.
I'm shocked and stunned.
Imagine how I felt, you know, and you know, the fabric, it doesn't smell lingered for
a while.
Well, we're not going to hang around much.
(01:14):
We have three guests here.
We have Vittorio, we have Roman and we have Jerry.
Would you like to give us a shout out, folks, and say hello?
Hello.
Hey there.
Well, excellent job,
So, Thomasin, how have you been up to?
It's been a big week for me, Chris, actually.
For the first time ever, I downloaded a dating app.
(01:35):
I went with Hinge.
I matched with someone and he sent me a haiku.
A haiku?
Yeah.
A haiku?
A haiku?
A romantic haiku?
What's the story with the haiku?
You know what?
Should I read it out?
Yeah.
Oh, because I said on my profile, I like ABBA and that I liked traveling on trains.
(01:55):
It's a great profile, guys, really.
Stay with me.
So, he said, ABBA fan on rail, hopefully arriving at Waterloo station.
Okay.
This guy's a poet, is he?
He's a writer, which I liked.
(02:16):
Honestly, I actually responded with my own haiku.
I said, that's not a bad try.
Regrettably one part wrong.
We end at King's Cross.
To be honest, we're just having a conversation with slight rhythm.
I feel like haikus are a bit of a scam, if I'm honest.
(02:37):
Yeah, they are.
They're not either poetry or prose.
They're halfway in between.
It's like something an accountant would come up with, you know?
Yeah, accountant are an actuary, which is worse.
Anyway.
My dad's an actuary.
I'm sorry I've offended the actuary who's listening, but never.
Anyway.
The actuary fan base.
(02:58):
No, come back.
We need you.
Yeah, statistically unlikely.
That's a joke.
Anyway, so, yes.
So tell me this, how did this poetic endeavour land with you?
Obviously, quite positively.
You know what?
I appreciate effort.
I appreciate whimsy.
We did go for coffee.
(03:21):
I wouldn't really call it a date.
He was nice enough, but before I got there, he texted and was like, sorry, I'm really
badly dressed.
And I thought maybe he was insecure about his dress sense, but no, he was just dressed
really shabbily and he hadn't washed his hair.
It didn't smell bad, but he smelled like that hair needs a wash.
(03:42):
It's like, you're on your third day, boy.
And I was really, he was nice enough, but I just thought, no, like if that's you on
the first date, what are you going to be like after five years?
I can't do this like who or not.
Yeah.
If you don't wash, that's a big, that's a red flag.
That's a deal breaker.
That's a red flag.
That's a first encounter.
(04:05):
This is how low the bar is for us women.
I was there thinking, oh, should I give him another chance?
Maybe he'll shower on the second day.
I felt bad.
I genuinely was thinking to myself, oh, like, am I being too fussy?
Like, am I being too high maintenance?
No, you're not.
No, hygiene, basic.
(04:26):
Yeah, no.
I mean, I know, definitely not.
No, that's just a basic.
Yeah.
And what's worse is he knew.
He knew because he told me.
Yeah, that is worse.
That makes it actively worse.
Yeah.
He'd been suddenly helping his grandmother get a cat out of the attic and he was dishevelled
as a result.
(04:46):
That would be fine, but no.
Yeah.
Or if he'd been like, you know, all night writing all these haikus, it's just been pouring
out of me.
I'm just like such a romantic poet that I write and the time gets away with me and oh, no,
then I had to go for a date and I just ran out the door.
I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry.
No, Thomas, that's worrying in a different way.
Okay.
That's just worrying in a different way.
(05:09):
It's still wrong.
It's just a different form of wrong.
So that's my experience of the dating app so far, but I have another date next week
and we'll see how that goes.
Tune in, guys.
Excellent.
When you can report in.
Without further ado, I think we'll get on with the telling Tinder tales bit and we'll
(05:31):
start with Vittorio.
Vittorio, where are you in from and what's your story?
What's your tale, at least?
Well, um, originally from South Africa, moved to Ireland about three years ago.
So living here now in the delightful metropolitan powerhouse that is Navan.
So it's a Tinder tale.
Where to begin doing stand up allows you to meet a lot of interesting people as a comic.
(05:57):
You're not a rock star.
Rock stars appeal to emotional aspects of people.
Comedians appeal to the intellectual.
So to have groupies is a different experience.
I was working a gig.
I was the emcee at this venue.
This one lass took an interest in me and she was a fair bit younger than me.
(06:18):
I think maybe 10 years younger than me at the time.
Probably still is because that's how time works.
And what happened was she took an interest in me, which was fine, except she was the
girlfriend of the bouncer.
She was rather fine with the flirting and the fooling about and all the rest of it.
(06:39):
I wasn't.
Because I have this weird thing, date one person at a time.
It felt really weird to me.
Yeah, it's because I was raised Catholic.
But it wasn't even that.
It was just, I was always like quite conservative at that thing.
If it was just the one incident where she was clearly interested, then that was fine.
But I mean, it happened a lot.
(07:01):
And this time went on, it just got weirder.
I think the strangest one was during the soccer World Cup.
And I went off to this restaurant where her, the boyfriend, all of his friends, and a bunch
of us, they were all watching the game.
And at this point she said, so shall we go out to your car and shake?
And I was like, I look out.
(07:26):
Now keep in mind, this is the first time anyone's ever propositioned me this way.
So my brain's going, OK, play it cool.
No, don't play it cool.
Your car is the only vehicle in that parking lot for at least three or four vehicles around
it.
(07:47):
And there's a streetlight shining on it.
I'm going, this logistically is not going to work.
From from a share, we're going to be there and I know what I weigh.
So my mirror works and my scale works as well.
(08:07):
So the idea that the car is going, the shock absorbers are going to be working.
It's just the idea of I get it.
You know, she's like five foot nothing less than that.
I'm six to.
So clearly just she would have to be on top.
(08:28):
Otherwise, you know, I'm going to keep honking the horn.
This is because I don't do narrow and my elbows stick out.
So it was just that was special.
And you know, we were friends for a while, but I just I never knew how to handle any
(08:49):
of it.
That was that was about the weirdest that got.
And there were like photos sent back and forth and things like that.
Yeah, just really not in my wheelhouse.
Like, yeah, when I remember being a teenager thinking, you know, whereas it's a hot passionate
romance and no, no, clearly, apparently, I'm too much for talk for that.
(09:11):
I'm just not built for that.
I'm going to ask you one thing before we go any further.
You didn't make any reference to the fact that it was the bouncer, right?
Now, bouncers aren't famously passive, quiet or restrained.
No, I mean, that was the thing, though.
I mean, my concern was always, you know, this dude is younger than me and looks like he works
(09:34):
out and also, you know, you have to understand in South Africa, the Italian community, and
you also get the Greek Portuguese Lebanese community.
There's a certain vibe about being tough.
I wasn't raised with that.
We'll call him Jeff.
Jeff is a young dude.
I mean, if he started a fight with me, I can't fight a fight at all.
(09:57):
I mean, my my plan for getting into a fight, the only thing I can think of is I know what
I weigh.
So my theory would be to grab hold of the person and then fall on them.
Because I figure once their spleen flies out of their nose, you know, I'll win.
This is WWF realness.
(10:20):
Big fan.
I wasn't, have you any questions for this man?
Yes.
I love how there was a pause.
It's a this...man.
It's the sort of thing you would hear at the UN where they're like going, this first.
This man.
I tell you what, Vittoro, you really buried the lead because because I also coming from
(10:41):
a family of Catholics, I understand how the concept of, you know, shame or so when you
were like, you know, she's flirting with me and I'm having this existential crisis because
my Catholicism and I was like, yeah, I've been there.
But then you gave an example of the flirting of her saying, do you want to go out back
for a shag?
My darling, that is not flirting.
(11:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's at that point, you pretty much won the race.
I think my question to you is, what did you say to turn her down?
I think it might have been something as simple as, no.
There's this, it's like, if you've forgotten that your boyfriend is sitting right there
(11:24):
with all of his friends.
I mean, I think I just was like, no, either that or I did the really bashful thing, which
is, oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
That's your moi.
I have used that myself before.
It does.
It does work.
Well, yeah, I think it was if you giggle at someone and go, I don't be silly.
(11:46):
Yeah.
It's like, no, no, we're not being silly.
You were the forest right there.
Stop it.
I think that's a nice one.
That I love that.
Oh, stop it.
Oh, do you stop?
You.
Yeah.
So, Roman, have you any questions for this man?
And have you any comments or observations?
(12:07):
Okay, questions.
Well, the one thing that popped into my mind throughout your story, you said that some
pictures were sent back and forth.
So this would suggest that you did entertain the flirting a little bit.
So did you actually enjoy that section of the flirting?
Was that quite fun?
Yeah.
(12:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, that was perfectly fine.
I think it was more, let's face it, I think you don't get arms like this going to a gym.
I'd spent more than my fair share of time on the internet.
And so the idea of the, you know, these, what?
(12:49):
What is this?
Wow, you speak of this.
2054.
Pornhub is a thing.
Okay.
It's the Olympics.
So you don't say it out loud.
You don't show your arms.
Look at my life's work.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, it was a case of, I think psychologically, I suppose there would be a thing is that I'd
(13:11):
heard stories about this thing of someone sending you nudes and such stuff.
It was all such a massive shock and a massive ego boost as well.
We're going to come for a quick question to Jerry now if she wants to ask us anything.
And what have you got in mind, Jerry, your reaction to this situation?
Yeah.
I think that's like a real spicy story.
(13:32):
But I wonder what happened to the girl after that incident?
Like did you hear she flirted with someone else after you when you rejected her?
No, there was, I think there was probably a fair bit of flirting with other people.
I mean, I was, it was weird.
I was always this weird sort of a friend fallback position.
It's like we never, we never fooled around none in that sense.
(13:54):
The most of us were the equivalent of messages going back and forth and images.
And that was about it.
I mean, every now and again, I would, you know, I'd bump into it a venue or stuff like
that.
And the attraction was definitely there.
But the thing at this point, then I'm involved with somebody.
(14:15):
And yeah, it was one of the first big dating rules that I was ever told.
You know, it's just love, honor, respect.
And as an afterthought, the same person said to me, oh, and don't shag anybody else.
And that's, that was pretty much it.
It was that was, that was what stayed with me.
So yeah, the thought, the thoughts were always there.
(14:39):
But thoughts, as long as you don't, the thought police don't exist, you don't get dragged
away for it.
Okay, Vittorio, that's been fascinating and a bit worrying.
So yes.
And so yeah, Thomasin, do you want to introduce our next guest?
Absolutely.
I'm very excited to introduce our next story.
So Jerry, please tell us where you're calling in from today.
(15:02):
And when you're ready, I cannot wait to hear your tale.
Amazing.
Thank you, Thomassin.
So I'm calling in from the birthplace of Pornhub today, which is Luxembourg.
It's a theme growing.
Yes, it's a country for the ones who didn't hear about it before.
(15:24):
Because I mean, honestly, I didn't know it was a country before I moved here a couple
of years ago.
And yeah, I had to find ways to adjust to the life in Luxembourg because I was living
in Turkey before.
And the city I was living in had more than 20 million people.
(15:47):
And Luxembourg has less than 1 million people.
So in that context, my Tinder tale starts, let's say.
So within the first year I was living here, I felt really lonely.
And I was trying to find a nice boyfriend.
And after a couple of trials, the last boyfriend I dated for a couple of months broke up with
(16:12):
me.
And so I was a bit vulnerable, you know, when I met this gorgeous man, he was a professional
athlete.
And he was a national swimmer.
And actually we were from the same country that also made the attraction really powerful
from the beginning.
(16:32):
So we were both Turkish.
And he looked amazing.
Like I have never even seen such a handsome person in my life, you know, with my bare
eyes.
So I was really caught up in the situation.
But he was, you know, still also establishing his life in a different country.
(16:55):
So soon I understood that we wouldn't go into a serious relationship, even though I wanted
to.
But yeah, we were like on and off for maybe seven and eight months.
And eventually I realized that I was falling in love with him, but he was like moving away
(17:16):
from me more and more.
So we cut the contact.
I cut the ties with him.
But he was still like sending me messages.
He sent me a short movie that he made to, you know, because he was also writing songs.
So he was like super handsome, but also a singer and songwriter.
(17:38):
So I was already, I was already feeling like a teenager walking around really wet all the
time around him.
And he was a swimmer.
Definitely.
All right.
(17:58):
And yeah, so I didn't hear about him for a while.
Meanwhile, I started doing stand-up comedy.
And I was like inviting him to watch me because I don't know why I was expecting him to, you
know, like me when he seen me on stage.
(18:18):
It didn't work out as well.
He never came to my shows.
But I started swimming as well.
And I saw him in the swimming pool on a Sunday morning, 9 a.m. where no one else goes to,
you know, sports or working out.
I was there.
He was there too.
(18:39):
So I went to, I went to say hi to him.
And we started, you know, meeting, seeing each other again.
But this time only as friends.
And I was asking him like if he has a girlfriend.
And he was saying me like, no, there is no other girl in his life.
So I started to have some expectations again.
(19:02):
And I heard about this movie competition.
It was a 48 hours movie competition.
Anyone could enrol.
And because I knew he wanted to make movies, I convinced him to join this competition together.
And he said yes.
But he was like keeping something.
(19:24):
I was not really honest about the situation because he was telling me like, hey, can we
shoot this movie on the telephone?
Yeah.
So that was something odd.
And eventually one day we booked a date to discuss about the movie on a Saturday evening.
But he never called me back.
(19:46):
But I knew that he could have been in the swimming pool.
So I went to swimming pool as well and waited for him.
And he came to the swimming pool with another girl.
And she got really upset when she saw me.
And they started to have an argument.
I was just watching from afar and I actually left the swimming pool because it was the
(20:10):
closing time already.
But I waited in the bus stop.
So after a while they both came to the bus stop.
And he had to introduce me to her and her to me.
But he said my friend, Jerry, my friend, let's say Amanda.
(20:31):
And then I was like, we got to the bus.
And I was like, you are coming to my place, right?
Because that was the deal.
And he said, no, I'm going to her place.
And I was like, who is she?
And she was looking at me like, who is she?
(20:52):
And I went to her.
Who are you?
And she said, he's my boyfriend.
And I was like, but he's coming to my place tonight.
And she got really pissed off.
Like immediately she's an Italian girl from the South.
She was so angry.
And apparently he lied to her about me.
(21:15):
He lied to me about her.
And he was like lying about so many other things to her.
And eventually she just left him on the spot.
We started to talk to this girl on Instagram.
And actually he blocked me eventually.
(21:37):
But we still kept in touch with this girl.
Yes.
And eventually he had to leave the country.
I mean, because of so many other lies probably.
I mean, all the other ladies.
Was he actually a swimmer?
(21:59):
What do you swim?
For condoms.
And yeah, I mean, at the beginning I thought the thing I got from this story is if something
is too good to be true, it's not true.
But eventually what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
(22:22):
And because all of this going to swimming pool and trying to meet them stuff made me
decide to swim regularly as well.
And eventually I finished the swimming marathon in Istanbul.
I crossed continents by swimming to kind of compensate this swimmer guy.
(22:47):
And this is amazing.
Oh, that's great.
Well done.
If this was a live show, the audience would give you a standing ovation.
Yeah, excellent.
Very good.
And I'm just curious about one thing.
How does a Turkish swimmer end up in Luxembourg?
Not on the coast, not famously aquatic.
(23:10):
How did that happen, George?
Do you know?
Or do you care?
I think he knew some people like some swimming coaches around this region.
Thomas, have you any questions for Jerry?
Absolutely, I do.
And first of all, congratulations and all your swimming achievements has absolute like,
(23:31):
oh my God, the best revenge is success.
You killed it.
And first of all, I also think it's very brave of you to invite him to your stand up as a
way of enticing him.
I don't know what your stand up looks like.
But if I wanted someone to stop fancying me, I would invite them to my stand up.
That would be my method.
So anyway, I have two questions for you.
(23:54):
First of all, considering how just how good looking this man was and enticing for you,
I would love to know if he was like a celebrity lookalike, if you were to cast someone as
him in the movie, like who does he look like, who would play him?
And then secondly, I want to know what the movie plot of this 48 hour movie you were
trying to also entice him with was.
(24:14):
Was it romantic?
Like what?
Tell me more.
Yeah, so I think his face is not particularly charming.
Okay.
But his body is.
Maybe that's why he was into making movies and not being in front of the camera.
(24:38):
Sure.
Yeah, but he may have looked like Colin Farrell.
Maybe.
Oh, okay.
Colin Farrell, drawn from memory.
Okay.
Yeah, with some Turkish look.
(25:01):
And the movie competition, yeah, actually that was a random, random thing.
So they give you a team and mandatory dialogue on Friday evening and you have only 48 hours
to make a short movie.
I was in one of those.
It's yeah.
It's the writer, comedian or.
(25:23):
I was one of the actors.
They had me play death.
I did that too recently.
I think that's typecasting, Vittorio.
Vittorio, did you have any questions for Jerry?
I was so hoping that he wasn't going to be that he wasn't going to be lying to this extent
as going, please don't be one of those guys.
(25:45):
And then when you arrive at the pool and there's this other woman, how you keep your
composure?
How did you keep your composure during all of that?
I mean, the fact I love the fact that you ended up chatting with her afterwards is going,
please let that happen.
Please let that happen.
Is that just that's just going to be awesome.
But I mean, how do you just how do you deal with that when somebody's lying quite obviously
to your face?
(26:06):
Yeah, I think that gives you some sort of strength, right?
All those adrenaline keeps you also calm, but also yet Thomas said revenge, right?
So I was like hoping for this sweet revenge at the end.
(26:27):
That's beautiful because I mean, to have the presence of mind to us to say, but aren't
you coming back to my place?
Oh, you are dead.
I think that's a testament to how good this guy's body was.
Like he must have had a great body.
(26:48):
There is a nod going on by Jerry, by the way.
And Roman, was that was that your only comment of the story?
No, I got I got a question.
I am curious because obviously this guy, you know, he was, I know I'm very mindful of
swimmers the moment you said he was a swimmer.
Immediately I was like, this guy's physique is amazing because I remember during the Olympics,
(27:09):
I was a little bit transfixed myself.
But what I was going to ask is now do you get triggered?
Like if you meet guys who can swim, are you are you are you more looking for guys who
can't swim and are maybe a little bit more physically challenged?
Like, is that what you're going for these days?
Well, that's a great question.
(27:34):
Because in fact, my current boyfriend has nothing to do with a swimmer body.
I mean, I hope he won't listen to this.
But he can, he can, you know, he has the, you know, base.
I believe the term is dad bod you're looking for it.
(27:56):
You're down with the kids.
But yeah, I mean, it's really inspired me to have that body for myself.
So I will, you know, give that impression to other people.
Okay.
That's very cool.
That is very, very cool.
Can I just ask one thing that popped into my head though?
(28:18):
The current guy who you said he doesn't have a swimmer body, what sport would you say he's
more aligned to playing, if any?
Oh my God, I need to check the English name for this sport.
That's like, it's gonna be a chess.
(28:41):
We've got Google wrestling.
Okay.
So he's quite strong.
But yeah, you need to, yeah, it's not revealing itself.
He's not massively built.
He just happens to have a lot of upper body strength.
(29:02):
It's not like superficial, like swimmer's body, but you need to really pay attention
and see the jam inside.
Right.
But Vittorio, I was going to say, you could have helped you take on that bouncer, the wrestling
news.
You know, I'm not one to fight because once, all fight goes out of a person once he gets
(29:26):
smacked once in the face.
That is the official line in the sand, I think for most people, especially guys in my mind.
So I think of, to quote Daffy Duck, I don't like pain.
I thought you were going to go on to quote Mike Tyson, they're like, everybody's got
a plan until they get punched in the face.
But you're like, and to end that Daffy Duck.
I love it.
(29:46):
I love it.
I love it.
Yes, cartoon lore for life.
Right.
So that was really fascinating and very aquatic.
Jerry, thank you very much.
I'm going to go to Roman next and see what Roman has to say.
How wonder does it involve swimming our bodies?
Swimming our bodies.
Let's find out together.
(30:12):
So I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic and whenever there's a woman that I'm interested
in or someone that I take a liking to, I will go over and above for them.
And there was a lady some years back now, but we struck up a bit of a friendship.
(30:33):
We met when I was working in a supermarket and she was a customer and we got to talking
and then that talking led to being a little bit more friendly with each other.
And I really wanted to impress her.
That's the thing.
I like to try and impress a woman and be there for them.
That's the thing.
Like if they need me, I want to be there.
(30:54):
So one night I was at home.
I was just chilling.
I was relaxing.
I wasn't thinking of going anywhere, but she invited me out with her friends to a club.
The problem is they didn't have any transportation to get there.
So at the time I was a driver.
I had a car, a little VW polo was my ride.
(31:17):
Anyway, so I said, look, I'll drive you all there.
Now I knew this was probably a bad idea when I picked them up and they were already drinking
white wine.
And I was like, okay, so they got into my car with white wine and we're driving through
(31:38):
the streets of London.
We get to this club and as soon as it was three of them, so it was the girl I was interested
in and her two friends.
And when they got out of the car, one of her friends was gone, totally, totally bladdered.
And she was...
She was such a tall lady.
(31:59):
And I'm five foot six.
And she had heels on.
So she was massive and towering over me, but she was, she was falling over the place.
I was trying to hold her up and the bouncer saw her and was like, she's not coming in.
Right.
Now the girl and her friend, they still wanted to have a night out.
Looking back on this, they were terrible friends to her.
(32:21):
Right.
Like looking back on it because they were like, well, we still want to go out.
Right.
Now remember, like I said, I want to impress and I want to be able to do things for you
so that you know that I care about you.
So I said to the girl, I said, listen, you and your friend go out.
I'll take your friend home.
I'll make sure she gets home safe.
(32:41):
Now on so many levels looking back on it, it shows how bad they were in terms of being
friends towards her because they're just leaving this drunk woman with me and don't get me
wrong.
I got no intention of doing anything untoward, but you would think, let me make sure my friend's
okay.
You know?
So anyway, I ended up, you know, they gave me her address.
I drove her home.
(33:02):
Her sister was there.
Like I said, she was really tall.
So I managed to get her out of the car.
I got her.
I was like trying to hold her up.
I got her to the door of the apartment and her sister opened the door.
Her sister was running a bar for her because we had called ahead and I said, look, she's
really, really drunk.
(33:23):
So anyway, I got her home and then I thought, all right, listen, I'm not going out tonight.
I'm going to go home.
I'm just going to get back to my piece.
Drive back home.
And as I'm parking my car, I don't know if you're drivers, you might do this, right?
You might be able to associate with this, but as I was reversing to park my car, sometimes
(33:44):
you put your hand on the passenger seat to kind of just brace yourself as you're looking
back.
And I put my hand on the passenger seat and it was wet.
And I was like, I was like, it didn't register at first because at first I was thinking,
there was no alcohol in the front seat of the car.
No one was drinking on the way.
(34:07):
So I can see you are all ahead of me, right?
And initially, I'm praying.
Initially, you did ask if my story had anything to do with water or bodies.
It's also aquatic.
And it has to do with both.
I am prescient.
I am prescient.
So I picked my hand up and I sniffed it.
(34:30):
I just put it up.
And I was like, oh my gosh, I couldn't believe it.
She pissed on my car seat.
It was a leather seat.
This is a fabric.
That is the classy giraffe you had there.
It was painful, right?
It was that feeling of like, you're so amazed that this happened that you can't help but
(34:53):
just kind of laugh.
It was like I was in the car laughing, you know?
Anyway, I got back upstairs and I just sent the most abrasive text message to this girl
that I was interested in, right?
I was like, you will never believe what your friend did to my car.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're kind of person does something like this.
(35:14):
And lo and behold, that was the last time I ever saw or heard from the girl I was interested
in or her friend.
So yeah.
I'm shocked and stunned.
I'm shocked and stunned.
Imagine how I felt, you know?
And you know, fabric, that smell lingered for a while.
I think it's...
(35:36):
I was going to say, did you send her the cleaning bowl?
That was it.
Communication was totally cut after that.
I don't even think she would have wanted to see me again because let's be honest, if
a friend does that to someone else, you don't want to have to confront that person again.
So that's my tinned detail.
And...
Amazing.
Amazing.
Quite a wet point.
(35:57):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thomasin.
Yes.
Yeah.
Any questions, Thomason?
Yes.
So, Roman and I actually are good friends.
We met on the comedy scene.
We did like a show up in Edinburgh Fringe our first time.
We're good friends.
And I'm just thinking as you're telling me this story, you've given me lifts in your
(36:20):
car before.
Oh my God.
And now...
What's wondering?
Now I'm just thinking of all the times I've sat in that passenger seat.
I guess my question to you is how did you clean it up?
Like what did that look like?
Did you do it?
Please tell me you did it well.
No, I did it very well.
(36:41):
To be fair, I tried to do it myself for a while and it involved a lot of scrubbing and then
turning the heat on in the car to try and dry things out.
But at the end of the day, I just had to get it valed, I had to take it somewhere professional.
They did a good job in the end.
They got the smell out.
And to be fair, Thomason, you've always had lifts in my Prius.
(37:02):
Like not the Polo.
The Polo's gone now.
So someone else is sitting in the pissy seat.
You know?
Oh God.
It's not that when you sold it on.
Bless you.
What's that smell?
Nothing.
It's like...
Did you smell asparagus?
It's a new type of air freshener.
Oh God.
And then I had one more question, which is you said you said you met her when you were
(37:26):
working at a supermarket.
Now, I suppose the moral of the story is don't date people you meet in the supermarket.
But when I think of the staff at my local supermarket, they don't even want to look
at me, man.
They're like, leave me alone.
I really want to know how that first interaction went.
You see the thing is I was always quite an approachable person in the supermarket.
(37:49):
I was always quite friendly.
I've even been known to write a poem or two for regular customers who I took a fancy to.
Yeah, yeah.
This was years ago.
There's some customers out there who have poems from me.
That guy in the fruit and veg aisle, he wrote this for me.
Oh, no.
All right.
What?
What?
(38:10):
So, yeah.
Did the poems rhyme?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a big rhyming.
You remember anything?
I'm always on the run.
No, no, no.
Was it a high crew?
That's the thing, yeah.
I'm thinking, did I match with you the other day?
Like, good.
Guys just out there sending pros and haikus.
(38:30):
I was honestly, if you can remember any of it, please tell me now.
No, there's no way I can remember.
These are so many years ago.
No way I can remember now.
But I like the idea that someone's out there with a poem from this random guy who used
to work at a supermarket that will remain nameless.
But yeah.
Jerry, have you any questions on this particular topic?
Yeah, I mean, what was her reaction?
(38:52):
I mean, the girl you wanted to go further, she was interested in.
What was her reaction when you told her that her friend just pissed on your seat?
Did she try to compensate?
Did she try to do something?
Let me ask you this, Jerry.
What would you have done?
(39:12):
If I contacted you and said, your friend just pissed in my car, would you even, would you
respond?
Would you respond?
I mean, maybe it could be something like, okay, what do you want in return to forgive
us?
I've got a great idea for a 48 hour film.
Put you in my movie.
(39:34):
There's a person, there's a bee in my car, dear Eliza.
Easy to shoot, only you need a car, only the front seat.
To be honest, she never, she never, I haven't, I never heard from her again.
She never, she never responded.
She never said sorry.
It was literally like radio silence.
(39:56):
I have to say in all the circumstances, I might have been tempted to contact her and
offer her a lift home on the same night.
That is genius.
Now that, that is revenge.
And when she inquired, give her the information.
(40:16):
Now that right there.
Your friend spilled some wine, sort of.
Eventually.
Yes, processed wine.
Victoria, have you any questions for Roman very quickly?
Please tell me, Roman, you have found romance since then because you write poems for people.
(40:37):
Come on.
You drove this, this last home.
I just, I'm sorry.
It's not nice when the universe decides, yeah, we're going to kick him in the teeth.
A really nice one.
Like, I mean, the fact that the universe said, and we will anoint us his chair with oils.
Well, you know, you know, they say like, you got to take the bad situations that happen
(40:59):
in your life.
But you've already said it well, you get stronger from them, right?
And also you've got to take the bad and you've got to turn it into something.
That's what we as comedians do.
But I come from a singer songwriter background and I wrote a song during lockdown called
she peed on my car seat.
You can listen to it on Spotify right now.
(41:23):
Yes, yes, Roman.
I'm starting to understand why you never saw this woman again in the super love group.
Right.
That's worrying.
The song's even more worrying because it's really good.
This has been great.
Thomas, do you have any last words, so to speak, before we wind up here?
(41:46):
No, not at all.
I just think I think a through line of aquatics, wrestling and revenge.
Absolutely brilliant, all of you.
Just before we say goodbye, I would love to give you the opportunity to give a shout out
plug.
Any of your socials, your podcasts, we'll start with Vittorio.
Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at V the Jester.
That's usually where you'll find out gigs that I'm doing.
(42:08):
And yeah, Facebook is at Vittorio Leo.
Same on X slash Twitter.
Whatever the hell it's calling itself now.
We're dead naming it.
We call it Twitter.
Okay.
So yeah, that's me.
It's at the moment.
Just see me at a gig.
(42:30):
It'll be good fun.
Excellent.
And Jerry?
Yes, it's more simpler for me.
You can find me on Instagram as Jerry.thecomic.
Please follow me if you liked my story.
Perfect.
And Roman.
Yeah, you can find me on all the socials at hardyhaahaa.
(42:51):
That's my handle.
I have a handle that makes people laugh.
So yeah.
So yeah.
So that's my handle.
I'm impressed you got that without having to add.
I did have to add two A's for each.
Ha ha, though.
I was fully expecting hardyha.
Ha ha.
P.
Oh, bless you.
(43:12):
And I do have a podcast also which you can check out.
It's called eulogize me where I get my guests to write their own eulogy and then we get them
to read it on the podcast and we have an interview and discuss it.
Geez.
That's it.
Excellent.
Okay.
So thank you all very much.
Thank you to Jerry and Roman and Vittorio.
(43:32):
And of course, thank you to my wonderful co-host, Thomasin.
And you've all been wonderful.
Thank you very much.
And we shall now see you at gigs.
Thank you very much.
And goodbye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Telling Tinder Tales is hosted and produced by me, Chris O'Neill and Thomasin Lockwood,
(43:55):
produced and edited by Lucie Regan with music by Qunicas Moreira.
It's a Jesters Comedy Dublin production and is no way affiliated with or endorsed by Tinder.
If you have a story to tell, please get in touch.
Details are in the show notes.
And if you like us, instead of swiping right, follow us on Instagram and or TikTok at
(44:16):
@ Telling Tinder Tales.
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