7. How to get unstuck and design your career with intention

Episode Transcript
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Alexis (00:05):
Hey, I'm Alexis Booth and welcome to the Breakout
Booth.
I was a senior manager atGoogle.
I'm a wife and a mother, and Ilearned the hard way If you're
not fired up, you're on hold.
I believe success is closerthan you think.
There's a set of skills andhabits you can grow to unlock

(00:26):
unbelievable outcomes.
In this podcast, we'll explorethem through real talk and bold
conversation, because I want tohelp you break out.
Hey there, folks, and welcome tothe Breakout Booth! I am
Alexis Booth and I am so excitedabout today's discussion, which
is focused on how to getunstuck.

(00:49):
If you are feeling aimless oroverwhelmed with life, or Or
maybe you're feeling tornbecause you're working at a job
where you feel like the workyou're doing or the way your
days are structured don't meshwith the way you feel like you
want or need in your life.
Or maybe you're feeling stuckin your personal life don't mesh
with the way you feel like youwant or need in your life.
Or maybe you're feeling stuckin your personal life, whether
it's with family relationshipsor your partner, or you want a

(01:12):
partner, but that hasn't workedout for you yet.
Whatever it is, if you arefeeling stuck, this is a
conversation for you, and I amso delighted to welcome someone
into the booth today who I thinkis going to shed some
incredible wisdom andinspiration for you.
I can say it because every timeI have the chance to speak with
her, she does that very thingfor me.

(01:35):
Welcome to the Breakout Booth,Blessing Nnachi.
I am so glad to have you here.

Blessing (01:41):
Hello, I am delighted to be here and I just.
.
.
your excitement is socontagious, I can't stop smiling
.

Alexis (01:49):
Well, your smile is making me smile.
Well, please get yourself cozyover there in the booth.
I hope that it's nice andcomfortable.
Question to start us off.
Y ou've been working incustomer facing roles for most
of your career, I think.
In more recent years you havebeen doing a lot more career
coaching.
What do you normally say to anew customer, a new team member

(02:13):
or a new coaching client to helpthem get comfortable when
they're talking with you?

Blessing (02:17):
Usually it's some off-color joke, something about
the weather, because I'mCanadian and we love to talk
about the weather.
It's usually something toelicit a smile or a chuckle,
like I just did.
Mostly, it's more about how Ishow up rather than what I say.
I try to be present and engagedand communicate with my body

(02:37):
and my face that I want to bethere and I don't want to be
anywhere else and I'm notdistracted, and that has a way
of putting people at ease, Ithink.

Alexis (02:46):
Well, on the topic of jokes, we can throw a few out
there to get us started.
Do you know how to weigh amillennial?

Blessing (02:54):
No idea.

Alexis (02:56):
It's an Instagrams.
And why is a computer so smart?

Blessing (03:03):
No idea.

Alexis (03:04):
It listens to its motherboard! Oh, so good so bad.

Blessing (03:10):
Those are classic I'm going to reuse those.

Alexis (03:12):
And when does a joke become a mom joke?
When it becomes a parent.
Okay, these are terrible,terrible jokes.
We may even cut them out of theepisode, but you know good way
to get us smiling and laughingto start.

Blessing (03:27):
This is awesome.

Alexis (03:28):
So today we are going to be digging into the topic of
how to get unstuck together, andthere's so many things that I'm
really excited to have youshare with us and tell us about.
But before we dig into that,can you share a little bit more
with our listeners about who youare and how you are filling
your cup these days?

Blessing (03:49):
Sure, hi everyone.
I am Blessing.
I am a mom.
It's one of the biggest partsof my identity.
I'm a deeply family andcommunity oriented person.
I work at Google.
I currently lead a team ofprogram managers for our North
region or sub region.
I've always been in tech.

(04:11):
I always knew I was going to bein tech.
I don't particularly likecalling myself a woman in tech,
though there's a whole storybehind that, but I work in the
tech industry and I have since Igraduated college.
How I'm filling my cup thesedays is really spending time
doing things I love, and itchanges.

(04:32):
But sometimes that looks likegoing into the gym, sometimes
that looks like binge watching.
The current show I'm watchingis Wheel of Time.

Alexis (04:42):
I have not checked this one out yet.

Blessing (04:44):
Yeah, but really just asking myself what does my body
need right now and doing thatunapologetically.
So I'm feeling really good.
But you know there's manyfacets to who I am.
Those are the big ones.

Alexis (04:59):
Well, I love all of that .
Thank you.
There's a number of reasonsthat I asked you to be here
today.
Probably the most important oneis that every time that I get
to talk to you, you teach mesomething, and whether it's
about something in the world atlarge that I didn't know about
before, or oftentimes it's youdropping some profound nugget of

(05:20):
wisdom and suddenly I realizesomething about myself that I'd
never thought about, and itmakes me stop and think about my
life.
I get so much out of everyconversation that we have and
I'm excited to share our chatwith our listeners.
But beyond just that and theconversations that we have, you
just published a book.
It is a beautiful and wonderfulbook.

(05:43):
I devoured it in two days, justa couple weeks ago, and that is
saying something, because mylife right now is very busy, but
I literally I could not putthis book down, and the book was
really the driver of wanting tohave this conversation today,
specifically about this idea ofgetting unstuck, because what
you lay out in the book isreally a practical and proactive

(06:06):
way to go about doing it.
I'm so thankful to have youhere today, I'm so thankful that
you're taking your time to behere, and unless there's
anything else we want to talkabout up top, I would say let's
just jump into some juicyquestions that sound good, sure
let's do it.

Blessing (06:20):
Yeah, I do want to say thank you for the invitation
and I enjoy all of ourconversations.
We've known ourselves forseveral years at this point and
we always found a way to juststay connected and I've really
valued our relationship.
Thank you.

Alexis (06:35):
Yes, we're virtual for the listeners who can't see us
right now, but I wish we couldhave started off with a hug.
But here's like virtual.
Yeah Well, thank you so muchfor saying that and the feeling
is mutual, all right.

(06:57):
Well, let's start off with aquestion, really to lay the
groundwork today.
In the past few years, youbecame a coach and you've
written this new book it iscalled by Design.
In addition to also stillmaintaining full-time employment
at Google, which is a lot,let's start off our discussion
exploring some of the backstoryaround all of this.
What led you to do this work,especially around the coaching

(07:18):
in the book, and what has yourexperience been as you've gone
through it?

Blessing (07:22):
The idea for the book came up from a desire to be more
effective and efficient.
I feel a sense of scarcity whenI think about time and I was
getting, you know, three, fouryears ago, a lot of requests
Blessing, can you mentor me?
Blessing, can I pick your brain?
Pet peeve about that phrase.
And you know I was thinkingthere has to be a way I can

(07:46):
write some of these things downand direct people to somewhere.
Everything doesn't have to be aconversation.
And so the very first iterationof this was a playbook.
It was maybe 10 pages long.
It had a couple of, you know,thoughts and ideas about a
number of the questions I wasgetting at the time, which was
about career growth, it wasabout work-life balance, it was

(08:08):
about navigating leadershipteams, it was about navigating
change and disruption, and so Ipenned a few of my ideas and I
shared them with my then 24person team, so really small
team.
I was like hey guys, I createdthis playbook for your career.
You know, feel free to use it,feel free to share, no pressure.
That got shared quite a bit andother people started reaching

(08:30):
out.
I got some feedback and Ithought, oh, this is interesting
, I could expand it, I couldmake it more robust.
Around.
the same time, I got assignedmy first executive coach and I
fell in love with coaching as asupport modality.
You know, coaching is sowonderful because it's not
mentoring and it's not therapy,and it really really is built on

(08:51):
this idea that the coachee iscapable, able to navigate
themselves out of whatever it isthat they're dealing with.
And that really resonated withme, because in mentoring there's
a bit of show me how you did it, which is great but doesn't
always fit because I'm adifferent person from you.
Anyway, long story short, thebook evolved over several drafts

(09:15):
to became a love letter to mypast self, because a lot of the
issues that I addressed werethings that I had to struggle
with in the past and I didn'thave access to either a coach or
a mentor for several reasons.
he then it also kind of becametargeted at anyone who is like
me or who has struggled withsome of the things that I've
struggled with.
And so it's.

(09:36):
It's designed to be verypractical, very relatable, very
usable.
I don't want academic stories,I don't want a ton of you know,
just you know vague ideas andpractical things that you can
take away and experiment with.
So that's where we sort oflanded and that's why the book
is called by Design.

(09:56):
But then I kind of follow it upwith it's a guide.
Obviously, a guide is a map andyou can definitely veer off the
course, but you know it'ssomething to help you get
started.

Alexis (10:06):
I love that and I think there's a lot of similarities
for me personally that I hear interms of my own journey that
I've been on.
You know, one of the mostmeaningful things that I've had
the opportunity to do in mycareer and in my life is
coaching and mentoring.
Is coaching and mentoring I getso much out of it.

(10:28):
But it's also the storytellingand breaking down walls and
sharing what is oftentimesreally messy reality of what it
takes to get from one place tothe next, whether it's in your
career or in the rest of yourlife.
But I love that you pulled allof this together.
There's also some justwonderful stories that you've
sprinkled throughout the bookthat keep it so engaging and

(10:52):
wonderful and, like I've beensaying throughout this
conversation, I also just deeplyappreciate all of the advice
that you've given me over theyears.
So I know that it's valuableand I just think so many other
people will as well.
Digging in a little bit moreyou talked about how you came up
with the title of the book ByDesign.

(11:12):
Can you talk about that alittle bit more and sort of how
that one came together?

Blessing (11:17):
So the title "By Design is actually inspired by a
painting that I bought a fewyears ago.
We moved into our current housejust well four years ago this
year and we were shopping forkind of like paintings and
artwork for our walls and I wasshopping for things for my home
office and it's.
I'm looking up because it'sright in front of me and I saw

(11:38):
this little painting.
It's simple, it was goldlettering on white parchment
paper with like gold borders,and it's it reads she designed a
life she loved in the pasttense.

Alexis (11:49):
Oh, I love it!

Blessing (11:50):
I know.
And I was like I saw this andI'm like I have to have this and
I have to read this every day.
So it's right above my monitor.

Alexis (11:58):
Oh, so you see this every single day, when you're in
your office.

Blessing (12:00):
Every single day.
Yes, and again, this was aboutfour years ago.
This was happening around thesame time that I wrote the
playbook.
This was happening around thesame time I had just started
working with the coach and so itwas kind of like a seed in my
mind.
I love the fact that it saysshe.
It says designed in the pasttense and loved in the past

(12:22):
tense, and so it really startedme thinking about intentionality
and looking backwards and kindof sitting with the feeling of
am I happy with the wayyesterday went?
And last week and last monthand last year.
And if I'm not, how do I maketoday go better, or tomorrow, or
next week, or next year?
And so it's just like every day,I sit at the end of my day and

(12:44):
I look up and I go.
Today was a good day.
This is a day that I've lovedwhen I started thinking about a
title for the book.
We workshopped a few titles butthe word design kept coming
back.
And how you know, when you'reexplaining something and you say
in the text space, you're likeit's a feature, not a bug.
That was one of the phrases Iplayed with.
You know, like, oh, you don'tunderstand why I'm doing that.

(13:06):
It is on purpose.
Like I am doing that on purpose, and that's sort of how we got
to By Design.
I love that.

Alexis (13:12):
That is so beautiful.
Is this also - there's onInstagram, you have a lot of
posts.
Is that also an inspirationfrom this artwork?

Blessing (13:20):
Yes, yes.

Alexis (13:22):
Okay, it's helping me actually visualize what I think
you're showing.
For me, you know, so I readyour book and it's very funny.
I knew that I wanted to bringyou on the podcast.
I was like I remember thinkingto myself oh, what's the
conversation that we should behaving together?

(13:42):
I don't know what we shouldcall this.
I could have gone back andlooked at the cover of the book.
I had not focused on the nameof the book because I wanted to
read your book and I was justfocusing on reading your book
anyway, so the title actuallywas not even a thing I was
thinking about, but the phrasethat kept on coming back to me
was how to get unstuck, thereason that I had that and why

(14:04):
for the podcast.
That's what we're calling it.
It's because that's the feelingthat I have had in the moments
when I knew I needed a changeand when I think about design.
That's like the practical stepthat you take, but it starts
with the recognition and, to behonest, the realization that I
was stuck is something that canactually be really hard to

(14:25):
notice, and I want to go off ona little bit of a tangent here,
but I hope you will indulge me.
There is a great quote that Icame across a few months ago.
It's credited to a man namedGeorge Gurdjieff - I probably
just butchered that.
I'm terrible at names.
He was a spiritual leader fromthe early 1900s.
His work is still studied today, but anyway, it started off

(14:47):
with a question that hesupposedly posed to his students
, and it was if a prisonerdesires to be freed from prison,
what is the first thing thatthe prisoner needs to know?
And the answer doesn't haveanything to do with guards, the
building, even the keys or thelocks.
The prisoner needs to know thatthey are in prison.

Blessing (15:09):
Oh.
.
.

Alexis (15:10):
what have to start with .

Blessing (15:11):
That is profound.

Alexis (15:12):
Yeah! So, going back through my own past, the times
where I have felt stuck cangenerally be summed up as I felt
like I was being caught up inall the demands of life.
I was obligated to carry onwith my day-to-day of my current
situation because I needed topay the bills.
Really, arguably, that's themain thing that it has been

(15:33):
driving me for most of it.
There's other reasons too.
There's relationships or otherthings that are already
established and set in theirways, and that's what it is, and
so I wasn't in a prison cell,but it's like I was in a prison
in my mind.
So maybe, if you're listeningin here, maybe you have kids or
you have a dog, or you have anailing parent that you need to

(15:55):
take care of, or maybe you justgot to cover the rent and put
food on the table and take careof yourself.
It can feel like a lot, andsometimes it can feel like it's
too much.
You know, I also admit there'splenty of times that I didn't
realize I was actually stuck.
kind of a complicated idea, butI might have noticed some other

(16:18):
things if I paid attention tothem.
Like, I was feeling restless, Iwas feeling depleted or
dissatisfied.
Another one is I was feelingresentment toward other people,
whether it's a friend or acoworker or even my husband.
He has been the recipient of alot of these things.
Sorry, jeff Geoff Yeah, they'resharing exciting stories and

(16:42):
things that they're so proud ofand they want to celebrate, and
meanwhile I'm sitting here likesitting in this feeling of just
unhappiness.
I'm feeling like mad, I'm indespair.
It's so unfair.
Like why do they get that Like,ah, everything I'm doing is so
hard.

(17:02):
Another one I've had before isgetting the ick, especially
relevant to like romanticrelationships, but I've also had
it toward co-workers or evenwork situations.
You know that one is more of afeeling of disgust, a repulsion
about something.
I know I'm spending a lot oftime here talking about feelings

(17:24):
and emotions, but I'mintentionally doing it for our
listeners, because I actuallythink one of the things that can
be most difficult about gettingunstuck is realizing that
you're stuck in the first place.

Blessing (17:37):
Yeah.

Alexis (17:37):
So I think that's a really good place to start, and
I also do want to call out.
I didn't actually find thisquote all by myself, and I also
do want to call out I didn'tactually find this quote all by
myself.
It was actually something Ifound in a talk that I came
across fairly recently by ElleLuna.
She told this beautiful andinspiring story in a video that
I'm going to share in the shownotes, which is an exploration

(18:03):
of a book she wrote called t"heCrossroads of Should and Must.
It is absolutely worth a watch.
She's an artist, she's justthis beautiful storyteller and
it is absolutely gorgeous.
Anyway, just to be clear, Ilove your book by Design is a
great title.
I'm not trying to suggest thatyou should have named it
anything else, and especially itsounds like that is just such a
personal and profound story foryou.

(18:24):
But I did want to talk abouthow someone might even be coming
to the realization that a booklike yours is worth spending the
time with because you'reactually feeling stuck in there.
There are signals that, if youpay attention to them, that you
might pick up on like maybe it'stime for me to really think

(18:46):
about what.
What's going on?

Blessing (18:48):
There's so many really interesting things that you've
said and you know we don't havethe time to dig into every
single one of them.
However, when you talked aboutfeeling the ick, I really you
know it's kind of you're goinginto a meeting and your heart is
racing and your palms aresweaty, but it's a super simple
meeting really and you you kindof sometimes don't pause to say

(19:11):
why am I so agitated?
Is it your personality on thecustomer side or personality on
my team or cross-functional teamthat is making me really
anxious.
Funny story I had a certainperson on my team who every time
I met with them and they left,I sighed and I didn't know I was
doing that, and then we'd kindof the meeting would enter and I

(19:34):
would do like you know, whenyou've been holding your breath.
And it was a coworker whopointed it out and said I've
noticed that whenever thisperson leaves the room, you sigh
and I thought, oh, I'm.
So.
You know, I kind of feel likeI'm.
You know, I hold myselftogether almost in a defensive

(19:55):
posture and when they leave Ican let my guard down, and so
it's kind of paying attention tothose signals and it's really
important.
I think feelings are importantsignals.
We shouldn't over fixate onthem, but we should absolutely
pay attention to what they'retrying to communicate to us.
And you're right, the title ofthe book is "by design.
But to answer your questionabout who should be who's this
book for?
Who should be looking to readthis book?
I think that, you know, know.

(20:17):
I was reading some research Ithink it was by Adam Grant, and
he talked about how the contractbetween employees and employers
have changed in the last, youknow, five decades.
In the 60s and 70s and 80s.
You, you know, started a job inyour 20s and there was a an
expectation that you stayed atthat job for 40 years and you

(20:37):
retired and you got a nice relaxand a nice party and then you
kind of went into retirement andso a lot of people you know
focused on getting that good jobright out of you know, college
or high school or whatever, andthey just kind of stayed and
rose through the ranks.
That was the contract.
It was unwritten, it wasunspoken but was expected.

(20:58):
And then you fast forward to theearly 2000s and that started to
change and the loyalty betweenemployers and employees started
to shift and employees startedto demand so much more from the
employers, like I want you topay me to do my job, but I also
want you to care about thecauses that I care about, and I
also want you to be sociallyresponsible and I also want you

(21:21):
to do X, y and Z, and employersalso started to demand more from
employees.
I want you to be available 24-7.
I want you to do X, y and Z,and employers also started to
demand more from employees.
I want you to be available 24-7.
I want you to have your phoneon you at all times.

Alexis (21:30):
I expect you to work on vacation.
Well, some of this is thetechnology made it possible too.
Exactly, you didn't physicallyleave the office and your
paperwork was all there.

Blessing (21:38):
Exactly right.
You didn't come home with abriefcase, you came home with a
cell phone and everything was onthe cell phone.
And so what that has led to iskind of like a question around
but why?
Why should I give you an houron my vacation?
Why is 40 hours a week notenough if that's what's in my
contract?
And so this book is really foranyone who's questioning the why

(22:00):
of it, the why of five-yearplans and 10-year plans, the why
of changing jobs every five to10 years, the sense of what is
the point of this.
There's a sense of kind of likeapathy almost in a lot of the
conversations I'm having around.
Okay, so I work for 30 yearsand I make a bunch of money,
then what?
So if you've ever had any ofthose thoughts, then you should

(22:23):
read the book.

Alexis (22:23):
Yes, you should! Well, so diving into a little bit of
the book.
So I've known you for.
.
.
but I have to admit you grabbedmy attention before your book
even really started.
In the preface there was thisreally profound story that you

(22:44):
shared there.
Can you talk a little bit abouthow you open up the book?

Blessing (22:50):
Oh, that's a good one.
The story at the beginning ofthe book is actually one of the
last things that I added to thebook, so I didn't start the book
with a story.
I wrote the entire book andthen I went back and I wrote the
preface.
At this time I already had, Ithink, an initial manuscript.
I had shared a copy of it withmy publisher and on one of our

(23:12):
calls we're kind of talkingabout ideas and she said to me
Blessing, tell me why you'rewriting this book.
And it was a jarring questionbecause it kind of pulled at
some vulnerability that I wasalready feeling.
And you know my initial thoughtwas well, you're a publisher,
this is a commercial transactionfor you shouldn't care, right.

(23:33):
But it was also.
This was kind of two years intowrestling with the manuscript
and wondering if anyone wouldcare, why would anyone want to
read it?
So it was a good questionbecause it made me think.
And so I started to think aboutwhy and who's this book for and
why would anyone want to readit.
So it was a good questionbecause it made me think.
And so I started to think aboutwhy and who's this book for.
And the one thing that someonehad said to me I was on a
coaching session with a clientand you know I asked a few

(23:54):
questions and the individualsaid to me you know what, listen
, this is easy for you.
You work at this company andyou live here and, almost like
you have it made and I'm likethat couldn't be farther from
the truth.
And you know, I know I don'thave it made and, yes, I've had
hardship.
And so I started thinking aboutmilestone events, and we we get

(24:16):
a handful of those over thecourse of our lives and, um, I
think of milestone events asevents that shape us as humans,
and so I really wanted to sharewith the readers the idea that
sometimes we cannot control thecards we're dealt.
I did not pick my parents, Idid not pick the country I was
born in, the color of my skin oreven my gender.
Right, I could not control thefact that my dad and my mom

(24:38):
didn't get along and there wastension in their marriage.
But I can decide how to respond, how I react and who I become,
and I could totally blame, youknow, turning out a certain way
on my parents, and there are alot of people who empathize with
that.
But that is the kind of thestory behind the preface,
without giving too much away.
But it's a theme that recursthroughout the entire book.

(25:01):
It's about thinking about whatis within your span of control
and directing your energies inthat direction and that
direction only.
I can't control what peoplethink of me.
So I won't focus on that.
I will focus on showing up.
The way that I want to show upand the way that I think that I
should, or the way that I thinkthat I must, should and must is
again another great conversationI would like to talk about.

(25:25):
But it's really getting clearon what you want to put out in
the world and leaving everythingelse, including perception,
including expectations,including everything else.
And then when someone says toyou, hey, why don't you come out
drinking anymore?
You say to them it's by design.

Alexis (25:52):
So, by the way, that was an artful answer of this
question of not actually givingthe spoiler of truly the full
story that the book starts outwith.
You'll need to listen to thebook or you'll need to - well,
actually, are you going to do anaudiobook?

Blessing (26:02):
I haven't decided.
I have thought about it.

Alexis (26:04):
Well, for now, you'll have to read to get the full
story.
It is a really profound storythat you start with, and there's
plenty more profound stories inthere.
I love how open and vulnerableyou were with it in the context
of it, and I agree with you thatsharing of all these stories -

(26:25):
I mean it's very similar to whatI'm doing on the podcast too.
I am opening up about all sortsof things and challenges that
I've gone through here and, asI'm finally bringing this to the
world, it's scary of launchingthese and I imagine also putting
that book out into the worldfelt scary to you and probably
still feels scary.

Blessing (26:46):
Oh, it does.

Alexis (26:49):
It does, but it's beautiful and I'm so
appreciative that you shared somany of those stories.
Digging in a little bit moreinto the meat of the book.
One of my favorite things in itis in chapter one.
It is a you call it the goodlife triangle.
Can you share a little bit moreon what the triangle is and why

(27:14):
you use that to start off thebook?

Blessing (27:17):
Absolutely so.
The good life triangle is aconcept I borrow from a number
of places.
I'm currently leading a team ofprogram managers and, for those
that are familiar, the ProjectManagement Institute, pmi.
They have this idea of aproject management triangle that
has cost, budget and scope andproject managers.

Alexis (27:39):
That's the joke, and you can't have them all!

Blessing (27:42):
No, you can't.
And the whole point of the skill, the primary skill set of a
project manager is managing thetension between all three and
acknowledging that there'stension between all three in
order to get to a successfuloutcome.
And then, a little over a yearago, my pastor preached a sermon
where he talked about theelements of a good life and he

(28:07):
used a similar visual, and Ithought this is great, and the
reason why I love the good lifetriangle so much is when you say
, well, what makes a good life?
There's so many subjectiveresponses to that.
Well, having enough money,taking care of your family,
giving back, taking care ofothers, being charitable, you
know.
And there's many differentresponses, but I was thinking in

(28:28):
terms of themes and categoriesand a lot of these responses can
fit into any of thesecategories.
And so the idea of a good life.
I'll talk a little bit about it.
It has three elements.
It has freedom, community andmeaning, and I use the triangle
with permission from my pastor,and in that section of the book
I talk about the inverserelationship between the three

(28:50):
things.
And so when you look at freedom, for example, freedom I define
as being able to do anything,whenever, however, with whomever
.
So think about a lifecompletely free of constraints,
which is really hard to imaginefor a lot of people.
But if we could kind of envisiona world with zero constraints.

(29:14):
That would be like freedom atits peak.
The direct invest of that isexpectations, and with
expectations come constraints.
Well, but I have to take careof my kids, but I have to pay my
mortgage.

Alexis (29:26):
By the way, those expectations a lot of them are
external, a whole lot of themare in my own brain.
Absolutely, I have so manyunfair expectations of myself.
Oh my God.

Blessing (29:39):
Absolutely, and that's the thing, right?
It is also the expectations wetake on ourselves, the
expectations we assume thatother people have of us without
talking to them, and you know,it's things like, you know,
looking at someone and sayingyou know what, I think they

(30:00):
expect me to do X and not havinga clarifying conversation, and
so, anyway, I talk about theinverse relationship between
freedom, community and meaning,and when I talk about community,
I talk about a lot aboutbelonging, but also about
intentionally picking what thosecommunities are and the fact
that in order to have community,you will have to sacrifice some

(30:21):
freedom.

Alexis (30:22):
It's like freedom is the price of community almost right
, and it's, if you think aboutfreedom as currency I'd never,
I'd never thought about it thatway before and it was so
profound, as you, as I wasreading that of, because because
we're social beings and we,yeah, we are built, I mean like
we're built to be socialcreatures um, but there's also,

(30:45):
yeah, what?
What an interesting tensionthere.
I'd never thought about thatyeah and so like.

Blessing (30:51):
So when you think about freedom and community, I
talk about freedom being theprice of community, and when, if
you start to think about yourfreedom as currency, you then
start to think about communityas an investment.
And so if I'm going to spend anhour with so-and-so or doing
so-and-so, is it worth it?
You know what is the ROI?

(31:12):
Do I feel?
Do I get belonging back?
Do I get growth?
Do I get support?
What am I getting out of thiscommunity?
And then you take community andyou talk about meaning is kind
of so what's the point of it?
What is the point of thatrelationship?
And you know I'm extremelyintroverted, which makes me
super picky about my socialrelationships.

(31:32):
And I always say to my husbandI'm like I feel like this
relationship has a negative ROIon me and so I'm going to see
this person less and is beingable to say I'm going to invest
less in this thing because itdoesn't help me, it's not worth
what I'm paying for it.
And so when I talk about theelements of a good life, it's
like holding the tension betweenthose three things, because the

(31:55):
successful outcome is what isthe most important thing to you,
what is the meaning and it'smaking those decisions
wholeheartedly, unapologetically, because you will disappoint
someone Once you start to dothat.
You will absolutely disappointsomeone.
You will disappoint severalpeople, actually A lot of people
, a lot of people.

(32:17):
I'll give you an example from mylife this week.
You know, there's someone whowanted to spend time with me
this week and I love her andshe's great and I really do need
to see her.
But I had made a commitment tospend that evening with my
husband and I forgot.
I forgot that I said we'regoing to do something that
evening and so I was makingplans with this person and then

(32:39):
they said to me you know, hey,we're still on for so and so.
And I remembered that I hadmade a commitment and I said you
know what?
I'm sorry, I'm not availablethat evening anymore.
I know that means that I don'tget to see for another three
weeks because we're both busy.
I do apologize, but I am goingto prioritize doing this other
thing.
And I didn't.
I didn't actually explain, Ididn't say all of this.
I just said I'm no longeravailable.
I'll see you in three weeks.

(33:00):
I can't control how they feelabout that.

Alexis (33:03):
They're probably disappointed, upset, all sorts
of things, right.
E.
.

Blessing (33:08):
But I can hope that our friendship and the
investments I've made to datewill hold in the face of that
disappointment and if it doesn't, that's a signal that I get to
decide what I do with thatinformation.
Right.

Alexis (33:22):
They also should know about you how important your
partner is to you and howimportant it is for you to be
able to spend the time with them.
I love all of that.
I think it's great.
So I mean, I've"why alreadyreacted real time here.
I love the triangle and the waythat you were pulling these
three elements together.

(33:43):
I thought was really beautiful.
But what was also interesting tome is that the order in which
you describe them in the book isthe opposite order of how I
approached life when I wasgetting started in my career.
So when I think about my firstwhy I was launching from home

(34:04):
and from college and going outinto the world, my why was to
establish myself as independent,self-sufficient.
I mean, that was effectively mymeaning at that point in my
life.
I picked up and I moved to NewYork, which scared the living
daylights out of me.
This was not at all where I wassupposed to be going.
I'd talk about this on otherepisodes but anyway, I knew a

(34:29):
couple people, but I didn't knowvery many people and basically
I deprioritized my community andmy freedom in pursuit of being
able to establish myindependence, my independence.
And I was lucky because I atleast had found a job in a crazy
job market and I was able toestablish a new and great

(34:53):
community.
There were some folks fromcollege who were there and then
I started playing volleyball andgot connected with this whole
volleyball community there.
That was awesome.
But you know, it's so funnybecause you start with freedom
and I think so much of whatpeople and the world values
today is independence andfreedom and the ability to

(35:15):
choose what you're doing, when,and not have other people take
all your stuff.
But when you're getting startedin your life, freedom is
actually kind of the first thingthat needs to go.
To be honest, yes, yes, you knowI think this is one of the
things that's really hard for.
Like there's, you know, youngadults, you know they're
finishing college and they're.
They're like I should only work40 hours a week, I can't work

(35:39):
beyond that and like I just know.
Granted, everyone gets to maketheir choices about what they're
doing, but they're like I needto make like a gazillion dollars
and I also need all of thework-life balance and you can't
call me and you can't expect meLike something's got to give on
all of that there Like you can'thave all of those things.

(36:01):
I mean, this is what grit is.
And when I think about myearliest years in my career,
grit was so core to what I wasdoing, and it was part of.
What I also think is soimportant in that time, too is
that there are so many skillsand capabilities that you don't

(36:21):
learn until you are in theworking world and you only get
to do them by virtue of havingjobs and trying to do things and
trying to make ends meet andmake a living, and you have
responsibility for all of thisstuff and you need to put in the
time for it, but I do thinkit's something that is not

(36:44):
highlighted as much in thecareer discussions as it should
Like.
I do think you need to put inhard work.

Blessing (36:51):
Yes, and time hard work, and time at work is hard
work, and time in relationshipsis hard work, and time it's in
all the things.
Because at the same time, youtalked about how there's a real
focus on freedom.
Relationships have gotten superfragile and people are very

(37:13):
quick to say I don't need thatperson in my life, I'm just
going to cut that person off.
And at the same time, we havethe highest, almost epidemic,
level of loneliness in the world.
We're more connected than ever,but we're also lonelier than
ever.
Quote connected, quoteconnected, right, yes, and it's
because we're not willing toquote do the work.

(37:35):
And what I talk about in thebook is.
There's a chapter I start withlife sucks and you know, and
it's just like reality check,life is not fair.
I'm currently raising ateenager and when we talk about
things, hank goes but mom,that's not fair.
I'm like, yep, it's not, butit's factual.
Get with the program bud.

(37:56):
And it's real, exactly.
And so how do you navigate it?
You want to have a relationship.
That takes hard work.
It takes showing up, it takesgoing on dates, it takes getting
rejected.

Alexis (38:08):
It takes heartbreak and it's heartbreak in all of the
ways in love, in career, inpouring your heart and soul into
athletics or work of any sortand then getting rejected or not
getting any response at all.

Blessing (38:26):
Yeah, what I talk about is how freedom is good.
If you want to be alone for therest of your life, you can be
as free as you want, you can dowhatever you want, you can live
anywhere.
But if you realize and acceptwhich is the whole point of the
book that hard work isinevitable, you're going to have
to do hard work one way or theother.

(38:47):
What you can control is makingyour hard work meaningful.
You can make it matter, you canmake it be on things that you
care about.
You can make it, you know, takeyou somewhere.
So I'll give you an example,and this is this also.
I talk about this a little bitin the book.
I talk about fitness.
During COVID, I was working oh,I was starting my day at eight.

(39:12):
I was working till 10 some days.
I was working on Saturdays andSundays.
We went nowhere.
So I was working all the time.

Alexis (39:19):
Well, we were all terrified that the company was
going to collapse.
We were going to get fired, bythe way.
All of the things thateveryone's still worried about
today.

Blessing (39:28):
There you go, and when I wasn't working because I'm a
doer I was baking.
And so guess what?
I was sitting for hours andeating pastries.

Alexis (39:40):
Delicious pastries.

Blessing (39:43):
But at the end of COVID I had gained 20 pounds.

Alexis (39:47):
Homemade delicious pastries.

Blessing (39:50):
You're not helping.
I want some of them now.
I'm going to.
I plan to do some waking thisweekend.
We have a long weekend, so butthe point is, when COVID finally
ended and you know, we startedtalking about going back in
person into the office, Irealized that my clothes didn't
fit and so I had to lose those20 pounds, and I could say, oh

(40:13):
well, I'm going to look for aquick fix.
But I also know that, like Ineed to be strong and healthy
and I had dealt with healthissues in the past it was very
important for me to take care ofmy body.
And so the hard work to lose 20pounds and keep them off, like
it was a no brainer for me.
There's no teas, there's nopills, there's nothing.
I'm like I'm just going to movemy body and sweat until this

(40:35):
all burns off Right, and so it'sjust, it's hard work.
I'm going to have to work hardanyway.

(41:00):
It has to mean something, andso my why became?
I want strong knees.
I want to be able to go andplay basketball with my son.
I want to be able to run.
I want to be able to enjoy mybody.
I love to dance.
I want to be able to enjoy howI look in swimwear and I gave
myself a bunch of whys and thatmade me get up and go to the gym
.
On days I didn't feel like it.
On days I felt sore.

Alexis (41:10):
I love the beautiful vision setting you just
described there.
I mainly use grit.
I start going to the gym and Igo to the gym because actually
my main reason for going to thegym is my mental health.

Blessing (41:23):
Yeah.

Alexis (41:23):
Yeah, I do want to add one thing as what I was
describing for, because I wantto actually be clear.
My path coming out of collegewas that I needed to get a job
and do all the things and becomefinancially independent.
Everyone can pick their ownthing.
That might not be your thing,that's fine.
I would also say that mycommunity and my relationship

(41:45):
suffered as a result of it, andI didn't actually even meet Jeff
, who's now my husband.
We met first in, I think, 2008.
He asked me on a date.
I said I don't date co-workers,but we can be friends, right.
High five, actually.
We did a high five at ourwedding.
You may now high five the bride, because the next part of the

(42:12):
story is we lost touch for twoyears, oh my.
And two years later wereconnected and I was actually
now in a place where I wascapable and interested and
willing to do the work of.
Actually, I had not hadsuccessful dating relationships
at this point in my life.
I had come to the realizationof like, hmm, what's the common

(42:33):
thread here?
Oh wait, it's me.
And so I finally was ready tohave a relationship, and that
was actually the point at whichwe started dating.
And you know, that's one of thethings of like I always had
looked at other people, likethere's people I know who met
each other in high school orgrade school and they dated

(42:54):
forever and anyway, we don'tneed to go off but like that was
not my reality, that was notwhat was in front of me, those
were not the opportunities andthe things that presented
themselves.
There was actual real hard workI wound up needing to do.
I chose my pathway through thereand I prioritized my career.
But that was an intentionaldecision.

(43:15):
And I remember there was adiscussion I had with my dad at
some point because I was workingat Accenture and I was
traveling all the time.
Dad at some point, because Iwas working at Accenture and I
was traveling all the time, andI don't remember if he asked me
a question or if I just told him, but there was basically a
discussion about like well, I'mgoing to be on the road.
You know I'm committing togetting promoted.
I'm going to be on the road allthe time for the next two years

(43:38):
.
I'm not dating, like I'm notfocused on dating.
This is not my time to do thatI'm, but that was.
There was a very intentional,forward looking plan that I had
there and I decided that mycareer in moving up was the most
important thing, and thankfullythat's okay, yeah, it's okay,
and thankfully for me it woundup working out in the end.

(43:59):
There's many ways that that allcould have gone too, but but I
think that's also ultimatelywhat you talk about in the end.
There's many ways that that allcould have gone too, but I
think that's also ultimatelywhat you talk about in the book
is by design.
My design was this is the toppriority right now.
There's other things that Iwant.
I'll pick those up at a latertime.
I'll reassess and do all that.

Blessing (44:17):
I think that one of the things and I read Sheryl
Sandberg's book Lean In when itwas published and I struggle
with the idea that you can haveit all all the time consistently
I think that real life is fullof trade-offs and so it's kind

(44:38):
of like understanding that yourlife has seasons and then the
seasons where you're not asavailable.
Like you said, I'm not dating,and that's.
I love that, because the theopposite is, you would want to
try to date and then travel andthen do all those things and you
end up ghosting people andhurting their feelings and
hurting your feelings andstressing and we just say I'm

(45:00):
not doing this right now, I'mjust not able to, I don't have
the capacity for this right nowand I'm going to pick it up at a
later date.
For me, it was deciding to havemy son early.
It was just saying you knowwhat?
I want to have kids and be donewith it.
I don't want to have kids pasta certain age.
And you know what that meantwas when.
I remember when my son was veryyoung, because I wanted to also

(45:21):
be present for him and presentwith him.
You know, I made significantsocial sacrifices and I had a
very good friend who had chosento defer childbirth to much
later and we were co-workers andshe would go hey, we should go
out tonight.
And it's Friday.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm doing homework and mealprep.
That's what I'm doing tonight.

(45:42):
She's like, oh, you're soboring.
I'm like, well, I don't think Iam.
Have you tried meal preppingwith a five-year-old?
It's not boring at all, it'sexciting.
And we kind of like I love herand she.
She meant it all in good humorand now she has two kids under
10 and she gets it now my son isgoing off to college and we can

(46:03):
never connect.
And I'm like you're neveravailable and she's like, no, I
have to take so and so tobasketball and so and so have
soccer and and I'm like, oh, theroles have changed, right,
you're now in a different seasonof life and I'm in a different
season.
I'm more, I have more socialcapital, almost.
But again it's just buildingrelationships around you.
You know, one of the things Italk about is my friendships

(46:26):
cannot be expensive at highmaintenance.
I need to have friends thatknow that I love them, even if I
don't see them in three weeksand I can't be available.
You know as much as I was in my20s, and so it's kind of
thinking about does thisrelationship energize you or
exhaust you?
You kind of work yourself up toget there and you work yourself

(46:47):
up to stay excited, and thenwhen you're done with this
person, you're just like, oh,you know like I'm so over it.

Alexis (46:56):
All right, so let's move on to another question.
You are also a certified coachand you've been coaching and
mentoring people for years.
Yeah, Can you share some of themost common types of questions
that your clients or the peoplewho report into you?
What are they asking you forhelp on?

Blessing (47:15):
So I am a coach.
I focus on career.
There's all kinds of coaches.
There are coaches that aregeneralists, a coach in
everything.
I chose to focus on career andcareer development.
Like you know, we've done a lotof work on this in the past.
Like professional and career,development has always been
super important to me, and sowhat that means is that a lot of
my clients come to me withsomething to do with their jobs

(47:38):
or their careers, and so it'sthings like well, I want to get
promoted this year and I needsupport making sure that I can
put up the best case I can beready it could be.
I think I want to changecompanies or, you know, I want
to move from this team to thisteam.
I want to move from being aconsultant to an engineer or
something like that.
Sometimes it is, you know,dealing with toxic teams,

(47:59):
dealing with toxic managers orteam members.
Work-life balance.
Burnout prevention was verypopular right after COVID.
I also found out that in a lotof cases, the presenting issue
is the thing that your clientsays they want to talk about.
It's not usually the actualissue, and so when you peel the
layers a little bit, you findout that it is something

(48:20):
completely different from wherewe started, and so I ended up
going from Korea into life andrelationships and values, and
you know belief systems andthings like that.
So for me it is veryfascinating and honestly
humbling for me to, as a coach,come alongside really brilliant
people as they get their what Icall the aha moment, and that's

(48:44):
the moment in the session thatyou, just, you see that it
clicked.
You, just, you, just, you know.
Their eyes light up, theirshoulders drop, there's a big
smile and for me that's like,that's like yes, you know, like
yeah, that's a win is it alwaysa smile?

Alexis (48:58):
I feel like it can be big eyes and like, oh what?

Blessing (49:04):
Is that.
It's really that moment of oh,you just made me think about
this, this, this and this.
Oh, I just realized that thisis a completely different
problem.
Or, oh, I just realized thatI've been in my own way this
whole time and I'm like, yep,you got it.
Now, what are you going?
And at that point we just can'twe pivot to action planning.
So now, what are you going?
And at that point we just can'twe pivot to right action
planning.
So now, what are you going todo?

(49:24):
Oh, I'm going to go have thatconversation.
Oh, I'm going to send thatemail.
Oh, I'm going to take that timeoff, whatever right?
So, yes, those are the usualissues.
I don't think they're unique.
I think those issues are as oldas time.

Alexis (49:36):
in terms of the the types of things that I've
coached and mentored on, I wouldsay they're very much in the
same boat.
Most of them started with Iwant to get promoted or I want
to get a different job and, asyou started peeling back the
conversation, I think many timespeople had they thought they
were putting themselves outthere and doing all of the

(49:58):
things already.
That is, you started askingthem well, have you done this,
what?
Or?
Oh no, but that's not what Ineed to like.
I'm focusing on this other thingand it's like you gotta do this
other thing too, especially incareer, when it's so focused on
the idea of getting a promotionor getting higher ratings and

(50:19):
whatnot, you know, those do tendto be much more tactical and
focused, but at some point, whenpeople start hitting their
heads against the wall and theycan't break through, that, I
think, is where a lot more ofthe value-based kinds of
conversations, like they startopening up of like well, maybe I
, you know, like, do I reallywant that?
By the way, it's okay if youdon't actually really want all

(50:41):
of those things that you'regoing after.
I think that's for me.
That's what your book thevalue-based discussions.
It's really forcing you tothink through what actually
matters the most to me to benumber one on the list, number

(51:04):
two or number 10, or not evenmake the top thing of the list.
Yeah, absolutely Any of thoseare totally acceptable.
I mean, I know for me it hadbeen at the top of my list and
then at some point other thingstook over and wound up being
more important and suddenly Iwas like, oh wait, maybe,
actually, maybe I should rethinkall these things.
But I think for me, one of thethings that was very interesting
is after I quit, or after Iannounced that I was quitting.

(51:27):
I suddenly got all of theserequests for people who wanted
to talk.
Yeah, you know, theconversation was I'm really
unhappy in what I'm doing.
How did you figure out what youwanted to do?
Yeah, now, I think the greatnews is I can say I would read
Blessing's book and I would dothe work, which, by the way,

(51:49):
also very interesting.
Following question here, whichis the book is a book that you
get to read.
That's lovely, but there's alsoa number of practice exercises
or prompts that you have inthere.
How do you expect people toread this?
Like, I read it in two days butI didn't actually do all the
work.
Like, how long would it takemost people to do this?

(52:11):
I don't know.

Blessing (52:12):
I think it depends on how much work you've done
beforehand.
So I designed the book with theidea for it to be a workbook
that you come to again and againbecause you're changing your
dynamic, your life is alwayschanging and shifting.
So for the exercises in thebook, there's a handful of them,
anywhere from a half hour toseveral hours, depending on how
much work you've done beforehand.

(52:32):
And so, for example, in one ofthe exercises I recommend
working with a coach, atherapist or a mentor, in
another, I recommend connectingwith leaders across your
organization.
So, you know, depending on howmuch of that extra stuff you
need to do, they don't allrequire you sitting by yourself
in a dark room and doing theexercises, and so they might
require several hours ofconversation.

Alexis (52:55):
Dark room bawling, just hopefully.

Blessing (53:00):
So it really depends itsbydesign.
org If you already are deeplyself-aware, you've done values,
work, you're very in tune withwhat you want, then you could
probably breeze through themvery quickly here, one if a lot
of the questions feel like whoa,I've never thought about that
before, then you probably wantto sit with them a little bit
longer.
What I also did was I providedof the workbooks as standalone

(53:22):
artifacts on my website, so ifyou write up the book and
there's no more room, you canprint it out and keep going, but
that's you know.
It's not intended to be perfecteither.
I encourage people to start andstop and come back to it and
see how it feels.
The important thing, though, atthe end of every exercise is

(53:42):
you should learn something aboutyourself you didn't know before
, and you should feel like youcan move one step forward
towards something you know thatyou want.
By the way, bydesignorg iswhere ?
should go if you wanted to get asneak preview of these and
start to realize why you need toread the book.
Another question here One of myfavorite things to ask people

(54:04):
is about traps.
So when I think about a trap,you know it's a hidden element
that people don't know about orthink about that can affect you
you.
Are there any traps that you'vegone through or that you see
your clients and your reportsgoing through that

Alexis (54:23):
have affected?

Blessing (54:23):
And in their career or their life.
There are a few.
I think the biggest trap isthinking about your career as
this distinct thing separatefrom the rest of you.
It's like you know, like, oh,when I go to work, I put on my
work face, and there's no suchthing, because you're a human
being, you're not a robot.
We can't compartmentalize thateffectively.
What that means is thateverything that's happening in
the rest of your life affectsyour performance at work.

(54:46):
A good example, you know, Italked about in the good life
triangle.
I use that as a foundation towhat makes a good career, It
your career is one piece of therest of your life, and so the
trap is kind of not working onyourself because you're quote
focusing on your career, becausethe things you don't take care

(55:06):
of outside of your job willbleed into your job.
If you're not healthy, ifyou're not in, you don't have
life giving relationships.
If there's chaos in your homelife, if you are unhappy at home
and and I've managed severalpeople over the years and it
takes a good marriage to noticeand say, hey, you're a little

(55:27):
off, you've been off for a while, you know, are you okay?
and you'd hear things like well,you know, our newborn isn't
sleeping, and so I'm notsleeping, and so I'm just
exhausted yeah, you know or Ijust went through a and we're
trying to figure out who's goingto move out and how to split
our stuff, and it's superstressful, and so taking care of
your life so that you can showup at work and be the baddest we

(55:50):
all know that you are is, Ithink, one of the biggest traps.
So it's just like don't useyour job as an escape from the
hard things in your life.
I encourage people to take timeoff all the time, Like go and
deal with that, Go and sleep,you know.
Or go and kick your boyfriendout, whatever right.
Just go and handle that so thatwhen you show up on Monday, I
know that you're 100% there.

(56:12):
One of the things that reallymade this really empowering to
me was in early 2023, whenthousands of people were laid
off across multiple companies.
I was all over the news.
The anxiety was palpable, Likethe fear was real.
There were news reports ofpeople committing suicide and I
thought, oh my goodness, peoplewere terrified.

(56:33):
And this again are really smartpeople.
These are not people who don'thave technical skills.
These are people who arebuilding cutting-edge technology
.
But then you get laid off andyou feel like your life is so
meaningless.
It was very heartbreaking.
But then the reason for that iswhen your personal identity
becomes so meshed with a company, with a brand, that rejection

(56:55):
becomes a rejection of all of "I, because you have become
one-dimensional.
But if you have a full, robustlife, you've got communities,
people, friends and things youlove.
Your job is just one of thosethings, and so the trap is not
building not reframing therelationship you have with your

(57:16):
job and with your career andgetting clear about the terms of
that relationship.
This is how much I'm going togive you.
This is how much of myselfyou're going to get.
If people wonder, you know, itsounds like, oh well, then
you're not going to be a topperformer.
Actually, I think the oppositeis true, because when I'm at
work, I'm 100% here.
Yeah, I want to be here.
I know that this is a time tobe here, but when I'm not at

(57:37):
work, I don't want to be there.

Alexis (57:39):
Yeah, well, I think there's two ways it can work.
One of them is you can leaninto prioritizing making the
most out of your work.
There's also the other way,which is quiet, quitting and
just stopping showing up fullyfor anything because you're just
like .

(58:50):
.
.
.
But I totally agree with thatone of basically working for a
living instead of living forwork.
I definitely struggled with that.
I think the other trap and thisis one that I talk about in
another episode on burnout Ihave my poem, my spoken word, at
the end of the show.
That's called I Am A Doer andthe last lines are I am a doer
and I don't want my doing to bemy undoing act.
And I mean I think the moral ofthat one is that I know for me,
at some point I had to let goof things.
Some point I had to let go ofthings.
What I realized at some pointwas I was doing things because I
wanted to do them and then Ihad more expectations and more,
you know, I became, I gotmarried, I had kids, I had all
these other things.
I was a manager, I was.
I just I kept on adding to theplate and I didn't let go of
anything and at some point itliterally was so much that
couldn't do it?
anymoreAl my body like started shutting
down.
And I certainly am not the onlyperson who has gone through

(59:11):
this.
This is a very common thingthat people go through, whether
it's burnout and it's workrelated.
By the way, I talk aboutburnout in all of your different
aspects of life you probablyhave a whole discussion around
whether or not burnout is trulyan occupational issue, but
anyway, I encourage people tothink about prioritizing

(59:32):
themselves, not just a job.
Or actually, let's clarify, beintentional about what you're
doing in the current season andwhat your goals are and then
following through on them.
And when you decide to takesomething off being at the top
of the list, all right.
So what am I going to let go of?
Because I need to have room forthe other things that I want to

(59:53):
do more of.
You can't just do it all.
It's literally like you can'thave it all.
You literally can only havesome of the things.
So which of the things are yougoing?
to go for All right.
Another question here I amexploring this idea of power
moves throughout the show.
These are past actions that youtook that wound up changing

(01:00:14):
your trajectory in some way.
They have to be in the pastbecause you're always doing
things but you never know whichare going to be the things that
make the biggest impact.
Can you think of any powermoves in your past that either
have to do with getting unstuckor cultivating more joy and
satisfaction?

Blessing (01:00:34):
There are a few, but the big one, which is very
relevant to our conversation, Ithink, was deciding to study
computer science when I was 13years old.
In my culture, where I wasraised in Nigeria, there were
three professions you were alawyer, an engineer or a doctor.
That was it.
If you weren't any of thosethree things, your parents would
have a huge conversation withyou, oh goodness.

(01:00:57):
So imagine 13-year-old mesaying to my mom oh, I think I
want to.
Well, I didn't know it wascomputer science at the time.
What I said to my mom at 13years old was I think I want to
work with robots, was what Isaid, because I read this book
on robotics and I fell in lovewith it.
And my mom was like you have noidea what you're talking about.
You're going to grow out of it.
But then, three years later,when it was time to kind of

(01:01:18):
start thinking about college, Iinsisted.
I was convinced I'm like I needto find.
At that point I knew it wascomputer science.
And so what that meant was youknow, it took me two years to
find the right course and theright school and my mom did not
understand why or what I wastrying to do.
But bless her heart, like shesupported my decision.
She was patient with me.

(01:01:38):
She did give me an ultimatum inthe second year.
It's like you're in school thisyear or I'm taking control.
But I think that choosing thatat a time where, when I was 13,
I'd never seen a computer inreal life Everything I knew
about computers came from moviesor books but trusting that
conviction and trusting myintuition and trusting that
feeling that this is the thing Iwant to do with my life and my

(01:02:00):
time, set me on a path that kindof led me to where I am in many
ways.
One of them was I ended upmeeting my husband in the same
city that I went to university,two months before graduation
actually and he and I alwaysjoke that if I had gone to
school where my mom wanted me togo to school, we you know our
paths would never have crossedRight.

(01:02:20):
.

(01:04:39):
.

(01:05:40):
.
.
.
it wasSo that was a power move as a 13
year old, just really trustingyour intuition and your heart.
Another, more recent examplewould be making the Blessing to
move to Canada.
We moved to Canada by we, Imean myself and my family moved
to Canada in 2017.
And it was

Alexis (01:02:36):
kind

of one of those things where you we I mean myself and
my family moved to Canada in2017.
And it was kind of one of thosethings where, you know, I talk
about figuring out what you cancontrol.
So for the listeners, I wasborn and raised in Lagos,
nigeria.
Nigeria is on the West Africancoast of the African continent.
When I started working with myfirst multinational, it kind of
opened my eyes to the fact thatthere's a big, wide world out

(01:02:56):
there.
At the same time, you know,nigeria as a country was going
through a lot of politicalupheaval and security issues and
all of that, and I knew Ididn't want that, but I also
knew I couldn't control thepolitics and all of the things.
But what I did you know what Icould control was where I
decided to live.
And so, you know, my husbandand I said you know what, we're

(01:03:18):
going to give ourselves a fewyears to figure out where we're
going to end up, and so that wasa power move.
We knew no one in Canada, wehad no family here and no
friends, and the three of us goton a plane with six suitcases
and all of our savings and movedto a different continent.
And you know, it's one of themassive decisions that we've

(01:03:39):
made and I would do it over andover again because it was the
right decision.

Alexis (01:03:44):
Incredible.
The main move that I thoughtabout was I've talked about it
on another episode, so I won'tgo too far into it, but it was
after I hit my first burnout.
I knew the job that I was in,at least in the place that I was
at.
I couldn't do it and I startedapplying to different jobs that
were interesting but they werekind of scary and they were

(01:04:07):
focusing and flexing some of theskills that I had.
But there were a lot of otherskills that I didn't actually
have for the job and thankfullyI was able to get one of them.
But what came very evidentright away was that I had been
sitting in a fixed mindset.
I was so comfortable with myjob and, while I was irritated

(01:04:30):
and there was resentment andthere were a lot of those
feelings that I've talked aboutearlier in the episode, I had
all of those things at my job,but it was also.
It was safe and it wassomething that was not
necessarily easy, but I knew howto do everything and it was
like a known quantity and goinginto a different job that I

(01:04:52):
literally did not know a lot ofthe things that I needed to do
and I needed to lean on peopleand be not the best at things.
You know, I think that was areally hard thing.
But actually going through thatand realizing and reminding
myself I can do hard things, Ican do different things, and
then being able to just, youknow, change the makeup of what

(01:05:17):
I was doing on the regular, itultimately led to a much more
satisfying way of living.
But it was really hard, it wasscary, and there was definitely
a period of so much uncertaintymy confidence was not there, and
it was.
You know, it was a lot of workto get through that, but I think

(01:05:39):
on the other side it was also.
Knowing that I went through italso is something that gives me
confidence and is great.
We should probably startwrapping this up here.
I do have one more question foryou, though.
Let's say that someone came upto you and said blessing, I am
so unhappy in my career.

(01:05:59):
I need to figure out what I'mgoing to do.
What advice would you give them?

So, one of the things that coach training has taught
me is to pause before givingadvice.
There's so many reasons forthat, but the chief one, in my
opinion, is the advice comesfrom your life experiences, your
filters, your beliefs, yourvalues, and in most cases it
doesn't fit the person you'regiving it to.

(01:06:25):
So I think about it like it's awell-intentioned gift that the
person has no use for.
You know so.
You did mean well, right, butthen you know so.
If someone did come to me andsaid, oh, I'm so unhappy in my
career, I need to figure outwhat to do, the first thing I
would do is ask a few questions.
I would say what does happinesslook like?

(01:06:46):
Define that.
What does that feel like?
What assumptions are embeddedinto the statement of your job?
Is supposed to make you happy,you know?
Is that a valid assumption?
Let's unpack that.
assumption How will you knowwhen you get happy?
How would you measure that?
And so usually, when I wouldpause and I have learned to say

(01:07:07):
hey, do you just want me to tellyou what to do or do you really
want to talk about this?

Alexis (01:07:11):
Are you looking to vent, or do you actually.
.
.

Exactly.
Like, if you want to vent, I'mhappy to sit and listen, I'll
listen and I will, you know, nodand I would, you know, pat you
on the back and that's okay.
Um, but I'm like, do you reallywant to solve this?
Because we can, like, we can gomany different places with that
, but and that's what I would dobut in terms for the purpose of
the podcast and for thelisteners, I would say, if you

(01:07:36):
feel like you're unhappy in yourcareer, that's good.
That's a signal that somethingis not quite right.
Either you don't have the rightlevel of challenge, you don't
feel like you're getting theright recognition, you are in a
toxic environment, you'reunderutilized.
I would encourage you to unpackthat.
Journal through it.
One of the things I say in thebook a lot is write things down,

(01:07:58):
just write the random thoughtsdown and just follow them and
then, when you feel like you'restuck, find someone you trust
that you can talk to about whereyou got to, and you would find
yourself, you know, going to allsorts of places with that.
And one of the things that Ihave decided personally in my
career is that my job is notmeant to make me happy.

(01:08:19):
My job is a contract that Ihave with my employer.
Yeah, they have very clearexpectations of what they need
from me in terms of skills and Ihave very clear expectations of
what I need from them in termsof compensation.

Alexis (01:08:34):
I need the money.
Show me the money.

as long as that contract is not broken.
broken, We're we're good,.
yes Yes! and And you know, butthat's me.
That works for me.
That may not be true foreverybody else, but I have
divested my purpose for my job.
That's really powerful.

Alexis (01:08:50):
Since I love to chime in with my own thoughts on these.
This is another one that I'vealready talked about on other
episodes.
But it's funny.
I've been realizing throughoutthe course of this conversation
you're very good at big visionand value setting.
That's actually not how mybrain thinks.
I think small and I need tojust think in the moment and my

(01:09:13):
way of approaching "I'm reallyunhappy is all right.
Well, just start noticing thethings that you like to do and
do more of them.
And if you don't have any ofthem, go try some new things
and, like, find some things thatyou like and then do more of
them.
And just, you know, likevirtuous cycle of keep on doing
them.
And also, while you're doingthat, notice the things that you

(01:09:33):
don't like and that drain youand stop doing them or do less
of them and find ways thatyou're not going to be doing
them anymore.
It's not necessarily thinkingbig picture, it's actually
thinking very small picture.
But for me, actually thinkingabout those big strategic ideas
unless and until I've started toget some of those small wins

(01:09:55):
that can feel like too much forme.
So maybe, if you're not at theplace where you're ready to
think big, maybe start thinkingsmall and maybe there's some
good questions to ask in thereand like let them, let them sort
of percolate while you're doingall of this.

Yeah.

Alexis (01:10:10):
But maybe you don't have to answer all of the big
questions.
Maybe it's like I literallydon't know what I'm going to be
doing in a year, and that's okay.
I've actually I'm okay withthat and I actually I think
that's kind of like cool.

Yeah.

Alexis (01:10:24):
All right.
Well, thank you so much,Blessing, for being here today.
This has been a fantasticdiscussion.
On behalf of our listeners,thank you for being here and for
sharing everything.

Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
This has been so much fun.

Alexis (01:10:39):
I always love an excuse to talk to you, Blessing, so
this has been a great excuse.
So thank you.
Before we close out our episodetoday, a request for our
listeners If you enjoyed theepisode, please subscribe to the
show and leave a comment aboutit in whatever podcast player
that you use.
You can also head on over to mysite, breakoutbooth.

(01:11:00):
com, and sign up for thenewsletter.
As always, I will share somelinks to notable references
throughout this, and I'll alsoinclude a link so that you can
find blessing, but you can alsogo check it out right now.
its by design.
org

Yes, that's correct.

Alexis (01:11:17):
Cool, and you can find all the ways to be in touch with
her right there.
You can also find where to findher book.
By the way, the full title is"by design a guide to creating a
career you love.
Any parting words before weclose out here Blessing.

I'd like to say you only have one life, but I would
say it this way there's only onetoday.
There's only one April 17, 2025.
This day is never gonna happenagain.
This moment between you and Iis never gonna happen again.
And so, thinking about you know, checking with yourself, like
you know, in the moment it'slike am I liking this time?

(01:11:54):
Am I liking this time?
Am I liking this moment?
You should do that often andyou should course correct.
If it doesn't feel good, I likeit.
That will be my, those will bemy parting words.

Alexis (01:12:03):
I like it when you do provide the advice, because it's
always very great advice.
So thank you, and with that Iwish our listeners a very fond
farewell, and you too, Blessing.
And we'll catch up with younext week.

Okay, thank you.

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Alexis Booth

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