March 24, 2025 • 21 mins
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the complexities of gender identity and the experiences of the LGBTQ+ community, particularly in the context of codependency. I begin by emphasizing the importance of acceptance and respect for all individuals, regardless of their differences. I share my unwavering support for the LGBTQ+ community and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Throughout history, human diversity has existed, yet societal norms have often imposed rigid categories around gender and love. I discuss how these norms can lead to feelings of discomfort and resistance when faced with identities that challenge traditional beliefs. Drawing from my own experiences, I illustrate how societal expectations can dictate personal choices and the impact this has on mental health.
I explore the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly regarding codependency, which can manifest as people-pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries. Many in the community have experienced rejection and discrimination, leading to deep-seated fears of abandonment. I highlight the importance of self-worth and the need to prioritize self-care, encouraging listeners to break free from codependent patterns.
As I reflect on the current political climate, I express my concern for the increasing fear and discrimination faced by marginalized groups, particularly in the U.S. I examine how codependency and the need for control can contribute to resistance against those who challenge societal norms. I invite listeners to engage in self-reflection and to approach differences with curiosity and compassion.
Ultimately, I remind everyone that we all seek to feel seen, valued, and free to be ourselves. By embracing diversity and allowing others to exist authentically, we can create a more vibrant and connected world. I encourage those struggling with their identity to know they are not alone and that their existence is valid. I conclude by inviting listeners to join me next week as we explore the themes of jealousy and envy. Thank you for tuning in!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Today we're diving into gender identity, the LGBTQ
plus community and why somepeople struggle to accept those
who are different from them.
In recent years, we've seenboth progress and setbacks in
how society views and treatsmarginalized communities, and
for many in the LGBTQ pluscommunity, the current climate
has become increasinglyuncertain, even frightening at
(00:22):
times.
No one can dictate how anotherperson feels inside, just as no
one can dictate who we love orhow we experience the world.
So today we're also going to beexploring why difference is
often met with resistance andhow we can move towards a
mindset of acceptance, respectand authenticity.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
(00:45):
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
(01:07):
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 34th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:28):
codependent.
Today's episode, we're going tobe focusing on the LGBTQ
communities and how this mightrelate to codependency.
It's important for me to startby saying that I fully support
the LGBTQ community and thispodcast is a safe space for
everyone.
Well like, unless you're asociopath.
But let's be honest, they'reprobably not listening anyway.
(01:50):
I strive to be respectful andintentional with the language
that I use, but if I slip up orsay something that doesn't sit
right, please know that it's notintentional.
I welcome feedback and wouldlove to hear from you.
My email is going to be in theshow notes below.
Throughout history, humandiversity has always existed
(02:11):
Diversity in gender identity,sexual orientation and how
people experience themselves intheir own skin.
We like to think thatconversations about gender and
identity are new, but they'renot.
In ancient societies, whetherit was Indigenous two-spirit
identities, the Hydras of SouthAsia or openly queer
(02:32):
relationships in ancient Greece,there's always been an
understanding that humanidentity is more than just a
simple binary.
Yet at some point, society hascreated these rigid categories,
deciding that there could onlybe two genders or that love must
fit into specific molds andthat anything outside of these
(02:53):
norms was wrong.
People started drawing hardlines around what was considered
to be acceptable, and anyonewho didn't fit was pushed
outside towards the margins.
And anyone who didn't fit waspushed outside towards the
margins.
These ideas weren't based onnature, but on cultural beliefs
that have shifted over time.
Queer people have always beenhere across all civilizations,
(03:16):
all cultures, in every era.
Yet somewhere along the waysomeone convinced others that
they were bad or unnatural.
We've been taught that men aresupposed to look and act one way
, women another, and that's that.
But nature doesn't work thatway.
Biology is messy.
It's diverse and full ofexceptions.
(03:37):
As a doctor, I know thatbiology itself is full of
diversity.
We're often taught that sex isas simple as male or female, but
that's not the full picture.
Intersex people who are bornwith variations in chromosomes
or hormones or reproductiveanatomy are living proof that
(03:58):
nature doesn't fit neatly intothese binary boxes.
Even when we look atchromosomes, there's more
possibilities than just XX andXY, and some people might live
their whole lives neverrealizing that their genetic
makeup is different from whatthey were told at birth.
Biology's full of complexityand gender.
How we experience and understandourselves is just as diverse
(04:23):
From the time that we're little.
Ourselves is just as diverseFrom the time that we're little.
We're given all these subtleand sometimes not so subtle
messages about who we should be.
A little boy picks up a dolland someone swaps it out for a
truck.
Or a girl wants to climb treesand wear cargo pants and someone
gently suggests that she put ona pink dress instead.
We don't even think twice aboutit because it's so ingrained in
(04:45):
us.
But for some people theseexpectations feel completely
wrong.
It's like being handed a scriptfor a role in a play that just
doesn't fit with who you are.
I love working in my yard.
I love cutting the lawn andtrimming trees and building
things in my garage.
My dad was a carpenter and hetaught me how to fix and create
(05:06):
things, and I love that kind ofwork.
Now, if someone told me that Ihad to stop doing all of that
and insisted that I spend mydays sitting by a fire doing
needlepoint or focusing only oncooking and child rearing, I'd
be miserable.
That's just not who I am.
I've never enjoyed working inthe kitchen and while I love my
(05:27):
children deeply, I also foundfulfillment in working or going
to medical school.
Yet I've had people say thingslike aren't your children enough
for you, or wouldn't you behappier as a nurse instead of a
doctor, as if my life and mycareer choices should be
dictated by someone else'sexpectations.
There is no consideration inthere for what actually makes me
(05:50):
happy or what feels right to me.
People were trying to tell memy role, how I should parent and
what I should value, instead oftrusting that I know what's
best for my own life, we allwant to have control over our
own lives and our own decisions.
I imagine that this issomething that people in the
LGBTQ plus communities canrelate to being told who you
(06:13):
should be, how you should feelor who you should love, without
any regard for what actuallyfeels right to you.
But only you know what's bestfor you, whether it's about your
gender identity, yourrelationships or the life that
you want to build.
No one else gets to define thatfor you.
If you're someone who has neverquestioned your gender or who
(06:35):
you love, it might be reallyhard for you to understand what
that might feel like.
But imagine waking up every dayand being told that you have to
live your life as someone thatyou're not.
Imagine constantly beingexpected to perform a role that
doesn't feel right just to makeothers feel more comfortable.
It's exhausting and, over timethat pressure can lead to deep
(06:57):
anxiety, depression and evenshame.
I'm going to talk aboutcodependency and the LGBTQ plus
community, but this doesn't meanthat all members of the LGBTQ
plus communities are codependent.
But this show is oncodependency, so I'm going to
talk about it a little.
Codependency can affect anyone,but for those in the LGBTQ plus
(07:18):
communities it often comes withunique challenges.
Many people in thesecommunities have faced rejection
, discrimination or familyestrangement, which can create
deep seated fears of abandonmentand a need for validation.
This can lead to patterns ofpeople pleasing,
over-functioning inrelationships and maybe some
difficulty setting boundaries.
(07:39):
These are all hallmarks ofcodependency.
For example, if someone grew upin a household that didn't
accept their identity, theymight have learned to suppress
their needs and maybe focus onkeeping others happy just to
avoid conflict.
This survival strategy can carryinto adulthood and it can make
it hard to advocate for yourselfin relationships, in workplaces
(08:01):
or even friendships.
Fear of being alone or feelingunlovable might lead to staying
in unhealthy relationships ortolerating mistreatment.
You might feel responsible forother people's happiness.
Codependency can also manifestin caretaking dynamics, where
someone may feel pressure toconstantly educate, manage or
(08:23):
prove their worth to partners,family or society.
You might not feel like you canjust be yourself.
You might feel that you need towork harder or be nicer or be
more accommodating just to provethat you're a worthy person.
It might also be difficult toset boundaries for fear of
upsetting others.
Breaking free from codependentpatterns starts with the
(08:44):
realization that your worthisn't defined by how much you do
for others, how well you meettheir expectations or whether
they approve of you.
For many, codependency isdeeply ingrained, even stemming
from childhood experiences,societal conditioning or
relationships whereself-sacrifice was mistaken for
love.
Letting go of these patternsmeans shifting your focus inward
(09:07):
and learning to value yourselfindependent of any external
validation.
Healing requires settingboundaries, which isn't about
shutting people out, but aboutprotecting your energy and your
well-being.
It means recognizing whenyou're giving too much, saying
no without guilt and allowingothers to take responsibility
(09:27):
for their own choices.
Prioritizing self-care isanother key piece Understanding
that your needs matter just asmatches anyone else's, and that
taking care of yourself isn'tselfish, but it's necessary.
When relationships are built onmutual respect, emotional
balance and healthycommunication, they become
sources of support rather thanstress.
(09:49):
The journey towards healthierrelationships doesn't have to be
taken alone.
There are support groups likeCodependence Anonymous or CODA
for short therapy and affirmingcommunities that can provide
guidance.
They might provide someencouragement and a sense of
belonging.
Surrounding yourself withpeople who understand what
you're going through can helpreinforce your progress and
(10:10):
remind you that you don't haveto lose yourself just to be
loved.
Breaking free from codependencyis a process, but with
self-awareness, compassion andthe right support, you can step
into a life where you feelvalued, not for what you do for
others, but simply for who youare.
Having this supportivecommunity, it's what's needed to
(10:30):
thrive, but it can sometimes behard to find and you never know
who you're going to meet,whether it be friend or foe.
Whenever you turn the corner,there's always some uncertainty
about whether or not you're safe.
I chose this topic today becauseI've had a few really
distressing office visits in myclinic this week, and I suspect
that it's only the beginning.
(10:51):
Members of the LGBTQ communityare fleeing from the United
States out of fear.
If you had asked me six monthsago, I truly believed that we
were moving in the rightdirection, towards a society
that valued openness, acceptanceand human dignity.
It felt like real progress.
More people were able to liveauthentically, feeling safe in
(11:12):
their identities and supportedby their communities, and while
that still seems to be the casehere in Canada, identities and
supported by their communities.
And while that still seems tobe the case here in Canada, the
tide has shifted elsewhere.
The 2024 US elections brought awave of policies and rhetoric
that have pushed marginalizedgroups, especially transgender
individuals and other members ofthe broader LGBTQ plus
(11:32):
communities, into the center ofpolitical battles, making them
targets of discrimination andhate.
It feels like we've been thrownbackwards in time, undoing
years of hard-fought progress.
What's even more heartbreakingis that we're seeing more and
more people seeking refuge inCanada, seeking refuge from the
(11:52):
US, a country that hassymbolized freedom, because
they're afraid for their lives.
In one of my roles as aphysician, I perform immigration
physicals, and over the yearsI've worked with many refugees
from war-torn countries, placesthat were so dangerous that I
can't even imagine living there.
But now I'm meeting people whoare fleeing from America.
(12:13):
It's so shocking to me.
I have lots of family in the USand I've traveled there often,
and I've always admired itsspirit of resilience and liberty
.
To see people seeking asylumfrom a country that has long
prided itself on being the landof the free is so deeply
unsettling for me, people arescared for their lives.
I don't typically discusspolitics, but the speed at which
(12:37):
rights are being stripped awayand fear is being stoked is
really scary to me.
It's hard to stay silent whenyou see real people suffering as
a result of policy decisionsthat are meant to erase their
existence.
I'm trying to make sense ofwhat's happening, why some
people feel such an intense fear, resentment or even hatred
(12:58):
towards an entire group ofpeople.
There are likely many reasonsfor this, but one perspective
that's worth exploring is howcodependency and the need for
control might play a role.
For some people withcodependent tendencies, control
is often a coping mechanism.
It's a way to create a sense ofstability and predictability in
(13:18):
relationships and the worldaround them.
While this is not the case forall codependent individuals, it
can help explain why somestruggle with accepting people
who challenge theirunderstanding of what's normal
and I use air quotes hereincluding members of the LGBTQ
plus community, particularlytransgender and non-binary
individuals.
(13:38):
The way we're raised and themessages that we receive about
gender identity andrelationships are going to shape
how we perceive and react todifference.
If we were taught that love andacceptance were conditional or
that things had to fit neatlyinto predefined roles.
Encountering someone who livesoutside of those expectations
can feel unsettling, sometimesNot because they are wrong, but
(14:02):
because their existencechallenges deeply ingrained
beliefs.
Imagine growing up in ahousehold where strict gender
roles were the norm.
Boys played sports, girlsplayed with dolls and any
deviation was met withdisapproval.
If a boy showed interest indance instead of football, he
might have been told to act likea man.
(14:22):
Or if a girl preferred climbingtrees over playing dress-up,
she might have been encouragedto be more ladylike.
These subtles, or sometimesovert, messages reinforce a
rigid worldview where things aresupposed to fit neatly into
these predefined boxes.
Now fast forward to adulthood.
Someone who was raised in thisenvironment might struggle when
(14:44):
they meet a non-binary personwho doesn't fit those
expectations, not always becausethey're hateful, but because
their brain has been conditionedto associate deviation from
gender norms with somethingwrong or maybe unnatural.
The unfamiliarity feelsthreatening to them, not to
their safety, but to theirunderstanding of how the world
(15:05):
is supposed to work.
Codependent patterns are oftenrooted in the need to manage or
fix others, whether by ensuringharmony, seeking approval or
shaping people into somethingthat feels safer and more
familiar.
When someone's identity doesn'talign with what we were taught
to expect, the instinct might beto reject, correct or maybe
(15:26):
deny, not necessarily out ofhate, but out of fear of what it
means for our own worldview.
This doesn't mean that allcodependent people struggle with
this, but it does highlight howthe need to control can make it
difficult to embrace thingsthat don't fit neatly into a
controlled framework.
Recognizing this can be anopportunity for self-reflection.
(15:47):
It's an invitation to examinewhere our discomfort comes from
and whether it truly belongs tous or if it was something that
we were conditioned to believebelongs to us, or if it was
something that we wereconditioned to believe.
Consider a parent withcodependent tendencies who spent
their life managing and fixingeverything for their children,
choosing their activities,setting high expectations and
making sure that they followed atraditional life path.
(16:09):
If their child later comes outas being trans or gay, the
parent might react with denialor insist that it's just a phase
.
This isn't always due to hatred.
It can stem from theirdeep-seated belief that they
know what's best and that theirchild's identity is something to
be fixed so that they can fitinto the life that that parent
envisioned for them.
(16:30):
This example highlights howdeeply ingrained patterns of
control, codependency andsocietal conditioning can make
it difficult for some to acceptdifferences, because they
challenge the worldview thatonce felt stable to them and
more predictable.
This applies not only to theLGBTQ plus community, but to
many other marginalized groupsas well, who are seen as being
(16:52):
different from the perceivednorm, from the perceived norm At
its core.
Resistance to marginalizedgroups often comes from fear the
fear of the unfamiliar, thefear of losing control, the fear
that acknowledging a differentway of being might mean
questioning one's own beliefs.
But true strength doesn't comefrom controlling others or
(17:12):
forcing them to conform.
It comes from expanding ourunderstanding, making space for
different perspectives andrecognizing that diversity is
not a threat.
It's what makes this worldricher and more complex and more
beautiful.
No one has to fully understandsomeone's experience to respect
it.
No one has to agree witheverything in order to accept
(17:35):
that it's real and meaningfulfor someone else.
Letting go of the need to defineor dictate other people's
identities is a powerful act ofhealing for anyone who has
struggled with control as a wayto cope.
Instead of trying to reshapethe world to fit a rigid idea of
what's comfortable, what if weshifted our energy towards
(17:56):
curiosity, towards compassionand trust, the more we allow
people to be themselves, themore that we're going to free
ourselves too.
At the end of the day, we allwant the same thing to feel seen
, valued and free to beourselves.
When we stop forcing peopleinto boxes that they don't fit
(18:17):
into, we create a world whereeveryone has the chance to live
with authenticity and dignity.
People thrive when they areaccepted for who they are, not
when they're pressured toconform to someone else's
expectations.
Think about how much lighterlife feels when you don't have
to hide parts of yourself justto make others comfortable.
Now imagine extending thatfreedom to everyone.
(18:39):
How much more vibrant, creativeand connected our world could
be if we embrace differencesinstead of fearing them.
So if you're someone who'sstruggling with your identity,
just know that there's nothingwrong with you.
You are not broken, you're notalone and you don't need to
justify your existence to anyone.
The world is working up to whathas always been true that human
(19:02):
beings are beautifully diverse.
Love is diverse and there is noone right way to exist.
It's okay if you're stillfiguring things out.
You're worthy of respect,acceptance and love exactly as
you are, in whatever way feelsmost true to you, and you don't
need to do anything to proveyourself to anyone, and if
(19:22):
you're someone who's strugglingto understand all of this, just
remember that you don't have tohave all the answers to be kind.
Growth doesn't happen overnight, and it's okay to feel
uncertain or to have questions.
What matters most is being opento listening, open to learning
and to respecting people'srights to define themselves.
You don't have to fullyunderstand someone's experience
(19:47):
to acknowledge that it's realand valid to them.
The most powerful thing thatyou can do for one another is to
create space for people to bethemselves without fear, without
shame and without limits.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, where I'mgoing to be talking about
(20:09):
jealousy and envy.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(20:32):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Today we're diving into gender identity, the LGBTQ
plus community and why somepeople struggle to accept those
who are different from them.
In recent years, we've seenboth progress and setbacks in
how society views and treatsmarginalized communities, and
for many in the LGBTQ pluscommunity, the current climate
has become increasinglyuncertain, even frightening at
(00:22):
times.
No one can dictate how anotherperson feels inside, just as no
one can dictate who we love orhow we experience the world.
So today we're also going to beexploring why difference is
often met with resistance andhow we can move towards a
mindset of acceptance, respectand authenticity.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
(00:45):
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
(01:07):
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 34th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:28):
codependent.
Today's episode, we're going tobe focusing on the LGBTQ
communities and how this mightrelate to codependency.
It's important for me to startby saying that I fully support
the LGBTQ community and thispodcast is a safe space for
everyone.
Well like, unless you're asociopath.
But let's be honest, they'reprobably not listening anyway.
(01:50):
I strive to be respectful andintentional with the language
that I use, but if I slip up orsay something that doesn't sit
right, please know that it's notintentional.
I welcome feedback and wouldlove to hear from you.
My email is going to be in theshow notes below.
Throughout history, humandiversity has always existed
(02:11):
Diversity in gender identity,sexual orientation and how
people experience themselves intheir own skin.
We like to think thatconversations about gender and
identity are new, but they'renot.
In ancient societies, whetherit was Indigenous two-spirit
identities, the Hydras of SouthAsia or openly queer
(02:32):
relationships in ancient Greece,there's always been an
understanding that humanidentity is more than just a
simple binary.
Yet at some point, society hascreated these rigid categories,
deciding that there could onlybe two genders or that love must
fit into specific molds andthat anything outside of these
(02:53):
norms was wrong.
People started drawing hardlines around what was considered
to be acceptable, and anyonewho didn't fit was pushed
outside towards the margins.
And anyone who didn't fit waspushed outside towards the
margins.
These ideas weren't based onnature, but on cultural beliefs
that have shifted over time.
Queer people have always beenhere across all civilizations,
(03:16):
all cultures, in every era.
Yet somewhere along the waysomeone convinced others that
they were bad or unnatural.
We've been taught that men aresupposed to look and act one way
, women another, and that's that.
But nature doesn't work thatway.
Biology is messy.
It's diverse and full ofexceptions.
(03:37):
As a doctor, I know thatbiology itself is full of
diversity.
We're often taught that sex isas simple as male or female, but
that's not the full picture.
Intersex people who are bornwith variations in chromosomes
or hormones or reproductiveanatomy are living proof that
(03:58):
nature doesn't fit neatly intothese binary boxes.
Even when we look atchromosomes, there's more
possibilities than just XX andXY, and some people might live
their whole lives neverrealizing that their genetic
makeup is different from whatthey were told at birth.
Biology's full of complexityand gender.
How we experience and understandourselves is just as diverse
(04:23):
From the time that we're little.
Ourselves is just as diverseFrom the time that we're little.
We're given all these subtleand sometimes not so subtle
messages about who we should be.
A little boy picks up a dolland someone swaps it out for a
truck.
Or a girl wants to climb treesand wear cargo pants and someone
gently suggests that she put ona pink dress instead.
We don't even think twice aboutit because it's so ingrained in
(04:45):
us.
But for some people theseexpectations feel completely
wrong.
It's like being handed a scriptfor a role in a play that just
doesn't fit with who you are.
I love working in my yard.
I love cutting the lawn andtrimming trees and building
things in my garage.
My dad was a carpenter and hetaught me how to fix and create
(05:06):
things, and I love that kind ofwork.
Now, if someone told me that Ihad to stop doing all of that
and insisted that I spend mydays sitting by a fire doing
needlepoint or focusing only oncooking and child rearing, I'd
be miserable.
That's just not who I am.
I've never enjoyed working inthe kitchen and while I love my
(05:27):
children deeply, I also foundfulfillment in working or going
to medical school.
Yet I've had people say thingslike aren't your children enough
for you, or wouldn't you behappier as a nurse instead of a
doctor, as if my life and mycareer choices should be
dictated by someone else'sexpectations.
There is no consideration inthere for what actually makes me
(05:50):
happy or what feels right to me.
People were trying to tell memy role, how I should parent and
what I should value, instead oftrusting that I know what's
best for my own life, we allwant to have control over our
own lives and our own decisions.
I imagine that this issomething that people in the
LGBTQ plus communities canrelate to being told who you
(06:13):
should be, how you should feelor who you should love, without
any regard for what actuallyfeels right to you.
But only you know what's bestfor you, whether it's about your
gender identity, yourrelationships or the life that
you want to build.
No one else gets to define thatfor you.
If you're someone who has neverquestioned your gender or who
(06:35):
you love, it might be reallyhard for you to understand what
that might feel like.
But imagine waking up every dayand being told that you have to
live your life as someone thatyou're not.
Imagine constantly beingexpected to perform a role that
doesn't feel right just to makeothers feel more comfortable.
It's exhausting and, over timethat pressure can lead to deep
(06:57):
anxiety, depression and evenshame.
I'm going to talk aboutcodependency and the LGBTQ plus
community, but this doesn't meanthat all members of the LGBTQ
plus communities are codependent.
But this show is oncodependency, so I'm going to
talk about it a little.
Codependency can affect anyone,but for those in the LGBTQ plus
(07:18):
communities it often comes withunique challenges.
Many people in thesecommunities have faced rejection
, discrimination or familyestrangement, which can create
deep seated fears of abandonmentand a need for validation.
This can lead to patterns ofpeople pleasing,
over-functioning inrelationships and maybe some
difficulty setting boundaries.
(07:39):
These are all hallmarks ofcodependency.
For example, if someone grew upin a household that didn't
accept their identity, theymight have learned to suppress
their needs and maybe focus onkeeping others happy just to
avoid conflict.
This survival strategy can carryinto adulthood and it can make
it hard to advocate for yourselfin relationships, in workplaces
(08:01):
or even friendships.
Fear of being alone or feelingunlovable might lead to staying
in unhealthy relationships ortolerating mistreatment.
You might feel responsible forother people's happiness.
Codependency can also manifestin caretaking dynamics, where
someone may feel pressure toconstantly educate, manage or
(08:23):
prove their worth to partners,family or society.
You might not feel like you canjust be yourself.
You might feel that you need towork harder or be nicer or be
more accommodating just to provethat you're a worthy person.
It might also be difficult toset boundaries for fear of
upsetting others.
Breaking free from codependentpatterns starts with the
(08:44):
realization that your worthisn't defined by how much you do
for others, how well you meettheir expectations or whether
they approve of you.
For many, codependency isdeeply ingrained, even stemming
from childhood experiences,societal conditioning or
relationships whereself-sacrifice was mistaken for
love.
Letting go of these patternsmeans shifting your focus inward
(09:07):
and learning to value yourselfindependent of any external
validation.
Healing requires settingboundaries, which isn't about
shutting people out, but aboutprotecting your energy and your
well-being.
It means recognizing whenyou're giving too much, saying
no without guilt and allowingothers to take responsibility
(09:27):
for their own choices.
Prioritizing self-care isanother key piece Understanding
that your needs matter just asmatches anyone else's, and that
taking care of yourself isn'tselfish, but it's necessary.
When relationships are built onmutual respect, emotional
balance and healthycommunication, they become
sources of support rather thanstress.
(09:49):
The journey towards healthierrelationships doesn't have to be
taken alone.
There are support groups likeCodependence Anonymous or CODA
for short therapy and affirmingcommunities that can provide
guidance.
They might provide someencouragement and a sense of
belonging.
Surrounding yourself withpeople who understand what
you're going through can helpreinforce your progress and
(10:10):
remind you that you don't haveto lose yourself just to be
loved.
Breaking free from codependencyis a process, but with
self-awareness, compassion andthe right support, you can step
into a life where you feelvalued, not for what you do for
others, but simply for who youare.
Having this supportivecommunity, it's what's needed to
(10:30):
thrive, but it can sometimes behard to find and you never know
who you're going to meet,whether it be friend or foe.
Whenever you turn the corner,there's always some uncertainty
about whether or not you're safe.
I chose this topic today becauseI've had a few really
distressing office visits in myclinic this week, and I suspect
that it's only the beginning.
(10:51):
Members of the LGBTQ communityare fleeing from the United
States out of fear.
If you had asked me six monthsago, I truly believed that we
were moving in the rightdirection, towards a society
that valued openness, acceptanceand human dignity.
It felt like real progress.
More people were able to liveauthentically, feeling safe in
(11:12):
their identities and supportedby their communities, and while
that still seems to be the casehere in Canada, identities and
supported by their communities.
And while that still seems tobe the case here in Canada, the
tide has shifted elsewhere.
The 2024 US elections brought awave of policies and rhetoric
that have pushed marginalizedgroups, especially transgender
individuals and other members ofthe broader LGBTQ plus
(11:32):
communities, into the center ofpolitical battles, making them
targets of discrimination andhate.
It feels like we've been thrownbackwards in time, undoing
years of hard-fought progress.
What's even more heartbreakingis that we're seeing more and
more people seeking refuge inCanada, seeking refuge from the
(11:52):
US, a country that hassymbolized freedom, because
they're afraid for their lives.
In one of my roles as aphysician, I perform immigration
physicals, and over the yearsI've worked with many refugees
from war-torn countries, placesthat were so dangerous that I
can't even imagine living there.
But now I'm meeting people whoare fleeing from America.
(12:13):
It's so shocking to me.
I have lots of family in the USand I've traveled there often,
and I've always admired itsspirit of resilience and liberty
.
To see people seeking asylumfrom a country that has long
prided itself on being the landof the free is so deeply
unsettling for me, people arescared for their lives.
I don't typically discusspolitics, but the speed at which
(12:37):
rights are being stripped awayand fear is being stoked is
really scary to me.
It's hard to stay silent whenyou see real people suffering as
a result of policy decisionsthat are meant to erase their
existence.
I'm trying to make sense ofwhat's happening, why some
people feel such an intense fear, resentment or even hatred
(12:58):
towards an entire group ofpeople.
There are likely many reasonsfor this, but one perspective
that's worth exploring is howcodependency and the need for
control might play a role.
For some people withcodependent tendencies, control
is often a coping mechanism.
It's a way to create a sense ofstability and predictability in
(13:18):
relationships and the worldaround them.
While this is not the case forall codependent individuals, it
can help explain why somestruggle with accepting people
who challenge theirunderstanding of what's normal
and I use air quotes hereincluding members of the LGBTQ
plus community, particularlytransgender and non-binary
individuals.
(13:38):
The way we're raised and themessages that we receive about
gender identity andrelationships are going to shape
how we perceive and react todifference.
If we were taught that love andacceptance were conditional or
that things had to fit neatlyinto predefined roles.
Encountering someone who livesoutside of those expectations
can feel unsettling, sometimesNot because they are wrong, but
(14:02):
because their existencechallenges deeply ingrained
beliefs.
Imagine growing up in ahousehold where strict gender
roles were the norm.
Boys played sports, girlsplayed with dolls and any
deviation was met withdisapproval.
If a boy showed interest indance instead of football, he
might have been told to act likea man.
(14:22):
Or if a girl preferred climbingtrees over playing dress-up,
she might have been encouragedto be more ladylike.
These subtles, or sometimesovert, messages reinforce a
rigid worldview where things aresupposed to fit neatly into
these predefined boxes.
Now fast forward to adulthood.
Someone who was raised in thisenvironment might struggle when
(14:44):
they meet a non-binary personwho doesn't fit those
expectations, not always becausethey're hateful, but because
their brain has been conditionedto associate deviation from
gender norms with somethingwrong or maybe unnatural.
The unfamiliarity feelsthreatening to them, not to
their safety, but to theirunderstanding of how the world
(15:05):
is supposed to work.
Codependent patterns are oftenrooted in the need to manage or
fix others, whether by ensuringharmony, seeking approval or
shaping people into somethingthat feels safer and more
familiar.
When someone's identity doesn'talign with what we were taught
to expect, the instinct might beto reject, correct or maybe
(15:26):
deny, not necessarily out ofhate, but out of fear of what it
means for our own worldview.
This doesn't mean that allcodependent people struggle with
this, but it does highlight howthe need to control can make it
difficult to embrace thingsthat don't fit neatly into a
controlled framework.
Recognizing this can be anopportunity for self-reflection.
(15:47):
It's an invitation to examinewhere our discomfort comes from
and whether it truly belongs tous or if it was something that
we were conditioned to believebelongs to us, or if it was
something that we wereconditioned to believe.
Consider a parent withcodependent tendencies who spent
their life managing and fixingeverything for their children,
choosing their activities,setting high expectations and
making sure that they followed atraditional life path.
(16:09):
If their child later comes outas being trans or gay, the
parent might react with denialor insist that it's just a phase
.
This isn't always due to hatred.
It can stem from theirdeep-seated belief that they
know what's best and that theirchild's identity is something to
be fixed so that they can fitinto the life that that parent
envisioned for them.
(16:30):
This example highlights howdeeply ingrained patterns of
control, codependency andsocietal conditioning can make
it difficult for some to acceptdifferences, because they
challenge the worldview thatonce felt stable to them and
more predictable.
This applies not only to theLGBTQ plus community, but to
many other marginalized groupsas well, who are seen as being
(16:52):
different from the perceivednorm, from the perceived norm At
its core.
Resistance to marginalizedgroups often comes from fear the
fear of the unfamiliar, thefear of losing control, the fear
that acknowledging a differentway of being might mean
questioning one's own beliefs.
But true strength doesn't comefrom controlling others or
(17:12):
forcing them to conform.
It comes from expanding ourunderstanding, making space for
different perspectives andrecognizing that diversity is
not a threat.
It's what makes this worldricher and more complex and more
beautiful.
No one has to fully understandsomeone's experience to respect
it.
No one has to agree witheverything in order to accept
(17:35):
that it's real and meaningfulfor someone else.
Letting go of the need to defineor dictate other people's
identities is a powerful act ofhealing for anyone who has
struggled with control as a wayto cope.
Instead of trying to reshapethe world to fit a rigid idea of
what's comfortable, what if weshifted our energy towards
(17:56):
curiosity, towards compassionand trust, the more we allow
people to be themselves, themore that we're going to free
ourselves too.
At the end of the day, we allwant the same thing to feel seen
, valued and free to beourselves.
When we stop forcing peopleinto boxes that they don't fit
(18:17):
into, we create a world whereeveryone has the chance to live
with authenticity and dignity.
People thrive when they areaccepted for who they are, not
when they're pressured toconform to someone else's
expectations.
Think about how much lighterlife feels when you don't have
to hide parts of yourself justto make others comfortable.
Now imagine extending thatfreedom to everyone.
(18:39):
How much more vibrant, creativeand connected our world could
be if we embrace differencesinstead of fearing them.
So if you're someone who'sstruggling with your identity,
just know that there's nothingwrong with you.
You are not broken, you're notalone and you don't need to
justify your existence to anyone.
The world is working up to whathas always been true that human
(19:02):
beings are beautifully diverse.
Love is diverse and there is noone right way to exist.
It's okay if you're stillfiguring things out.
You're worthy of respect,acceptance and love exactly as
you are, in whatever way feelsmost true to you, and you don't
need to do anything to proveyourself to anyone, and if
(19:22):
you're someone who's strugglingto understand all of this, just
remember that you don't have tohave all the answers to be kind.
Growth doesn't happen overnight, and it's okay to feel
uncertain or to have questions.
What matters most is being opento listening, open to learning
and to respecting people'srights to define themselves.
You don't have to fullyunderstand someone's experience
(19:47):
to acknowledge that it's realand valid to them.
The most powerful thing thatyou can do for one another is to
create space for people to bethemselves without fear, without
shame and without limits.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, where I'mgoing to be talking about
(20:09):
jealousy and envy.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(20:32):
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week foranother episode of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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