November 29, 2024 • 18 mins
What if prioritizing yourself could be your greatest strength rather than a selfish act? Join me in this eye-opening episode where I unpacks a lifelong misconception that prioritizing self-care is selfish, especially for those overcoming codependency. I explore the roots of this struggle, often stemming from early teachings that placed others' needs above our own, leading to exhaustion and resentment. I offer a refreshing perspective on why taking care of ourselves is an essential part of survival and maintaining healthy relationships. Through personal stories and practical advice, discover how to reframe these old beliefs and start putting your own well-being first, guilt-free.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let's talk about something that so many of us
struggle with the idea thatliving for yourself, putting
your own needs, goals andhappiness first, means that
you're being selfish.
It's such a common fear,especially for those of us who
are recovering from codependenttendencies or have spent years
prioritizing everyone else.
(00:21):
But here's the truth Living foryourself isn't selfish, it's
necessary.
It's about honoring your worth,setting your boundaries and
realizing that you can't pourfrom an empty cup.
Today, we're going to unpackwhy focusing on your own
well-being is not only healthy,but also essential for building
better, more balancedrelationships with people around
(00:42):
you.
So let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:02):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 25th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:27):
codependent.
Today's episode is going tofocus on whether or not the idea
that living life for yourselfis selfish and, spoiler alert,
it's not.
Thank you for all of you who'vestarted to register for my
31-day journaling challengestarting December 1st.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
If you'd like to register forreceiving daily journaling
(01:49):
prompts throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontacting me through my
website atthecodependentdoctorcom.
Also, if you have any questionsor topics that you'd like me to
address on the show, I wouldlove to hear from you.
Once again, you can contact methrough my email at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
(02:09):
I've gotten a few letters fromlisteners sharing that they feel
selfish and guilty when theytry to prioritize themselves,
often adding that this isn't howthey were raised.
And you know what?
I completely get it.
When I started working on myown codependency, I felt the
exact same way.
Honestly, there are still sometimes that that little voice in
my head questions me have I gonetoo far?
(02:30):
Have I crossed over to beingselfish?
That S word selfish it feelslike the ultimate sin.
For those of us with codependenttendencies, it's almost like
we've been conditioned tobelieve that putting ourselves
first is wrong, even harmful.
But is it, or is it just an oldbelief that we've held on to?
That needs a littlere-examining?
(02:50):
Today, I'm going to be talkingabout where that fear comes from
and why prioritizing yourselfisn't the same as being selfish,
and how to find the balance inthe process.
If you're anything like me,putting yourself first feels
wrong right, like a deep down,rule-breaking kind of wrong and
I'm not talking aboutaccidentally skipping a line at
(03:11):
the grocery store.
I mean morally wrong, likewe're somehow betraying everyone
we care about just becausewe're trying to take care of
ourselves.
Does that sound familiar?
So where does this come from?
For a lot of us codependents, itstarted really early.
Maybe we grew up in ourfamilies where taking care of
others or worrying about theirfeelings wasn't just expected.
It was practically youridentity.
(03:33):
Maybe you heard things likedon't be selfish or think of
others before yourself so oftenthat you started to believe that
your needs didn't matter.
And if you dared to ask forsomething, maybe you got labeled
as selfish or difficult, which,let's face, it feels awful.
If you're constantly worryingabout how the other person is
feeling, whether they're upset,sad or disappointed, you end up
(03:55):
bending over backwards to avoidrocking the boat.
And what does that lead to?
It leads to people pleasing,saying yes when you really want
to be saying no, or puttingsomeone else's needs so far
above your own that you don'teven remember what you need
anymore.
It's exhausting.
And here's the thing when youpeople please, you're not
actually helping the otherperson.
(04:16):
In the long run, you're justteaching them to expect more and
more from you while you slowlydrain yourself dry.
That's not kindness, it'sself-neglect.
Fast forward to adulthood, andhere we are carrying that same
belief around like it's auniversal truth.
We end up running ourselvesragged trying to meet everyone
else's needs, because the ideaof saying no or taking a break
(04:40):
makes us feel like we're lettingpeople down.
And when we do put ourselvesfirst like saying sorry, I can't
help with that right now whathappens it's that guilt.
It comes rushing in andwhispering what if they don't
think that I care?
Or what if you're being selfish?
So here's the kicker, thoughthat belief that putting
(05:00):
yourself first is wrong orharmful isn't actually true.
It's conditioning.
It's a story that we've beentold and we've played it on
repeat for so long that it feelsreal.
But putting yourself firstisn't selfish, it's survival.
It's about being able to showup for others because you're
taking care of yourself first.
The truth is that when we don'tprioritize ourselves, we're not
(05:23):
actually helping anyone.
We end up burned out, resentfuland sometimes even bitter
towards the very people thatwe're trying to care for, and,
trust me, that's not the vibethat any of us wants.
So let's start rewriting thatstory.
Putting yourself first isn'tselfish.
It's the foundation for showingup as your best and healthiest
self, and you deserve that.
(05:44):
We all do.
I've been called selfish a fewtimes in my life and I believed
them.
I'll give you an example andyou can let me know what you
think.
So here's a conversation that Ihad with a relative.
Them the lottery's $50 millionthis week.
If I win, I would split up themoney as such.
Now imagine all their relativesgetting various shares of the
(06:06):
pot and at the end there was nomoney left All 50 million
dollars gone in 20 minutes aftergetting the check.
Then they asked the inevitablequestion what would you do if
you won the lottery?
Angela, me, I would give myimmediate members of the family
half a million each and use therest to build a
multidisciplinary weight losscenter and invest the rest for
(06:28):
the future.
The response I got was you'reso selfish, you need to give me
a minimum of two million, aswell as two million to each of
the family members and someextended family as well.
And do you know what my firstthought was?
Oh no, they're right, I shouldbe giving more to family.
Like seriously, how conditionedwas I to think that prioritizing
(06:49):
my own goals wasn't enough?
That's what happens when yougrow up, believing that taking
care of yourself or settinglimits makes you selfish.
I was told multiple times thatI was being selfish, even though
I feel like I was justprioritizing myself.
Looking back, I laugh at howabsurd it was for me to second
guess myself.
I was being more than generous.
(07:10):
Half a million dollars for eachof the family members is huge.
Plus, I had plans to createsomething meaningful, give back
to the community and even investin the future.
But in that moment, theirunrealistic expectations made me
feel like I wasn't doing enough.
This is what happens whencodependency and people-pleasing
take over.
You're so used to puttingeveryone else first that even
(07:31):
hypothetical boundaries feellike a betrayal.
Let me tell you right now thatkind of thinking is the real
problem, not whether you'regenerous enough with your
imaginary lottery winnings.
Prioritizing your goals andvalues doesn't make you selfish.
It makes you smart, and we allneed to remind ourselves of that
.
So let's just say that I didn'twin the lottery and no one got
(07:52):
any money Big shocker right.
But that conversation stuck withme for a long time, and why?
Because it's such a perfectexample of how the people around
us often have their own agendasand they're not afraid to
project them onto us.
It wasn't really aboutgenerosity or fairness.
It was about what they thoughtthey deserved, and in that
(08:13):
moment, I got so caught up intheir expectations that I forgot
the most important thing whatdo I think is right?
That conversation became a bigreminder for me that you can't
let other people's opinions ortheir guilt trips determine your
decisions.
You've got to figure out what'sbest for you, trust your own
judgment and remind yourselfthat it's enough.
You don't need to give untilthere's nothing left whether
(08:35):
they're talking about imaginarylottery winnings, your time or
your energy.
Because here's the truth nomatter what you decide,
someone's always going to havean opinion.
Here's the truth no matter whatyou decide, someone's always
going to have an opinion.
You can't please everyone and,honestly, you shouldn't try.
Your job isn't to meet everyoneelse's expectations.
It's to stay true to your ownvalues and your boundaries.
(08:56):
There's a difference betweenselfishness and self-care.
If you're anything like me,you've probably felt guilty
about taking time for yourself,wondering if you're being
selfish.
But guess what?
You're not.
Selfishness is when you focuson yourself in a way that
disregards or harms others.
It's that me, me, me attitude,where you're only looking out
(09:17):
for what's best for you, even ifit comes at someone else's
expense.
Self-care, on the other hand,is about making sure that you're
okay, so that you can show upfor the people and the things
that you care about.
It's about saying I can't pourfrom an empty cup.
When you take time to rest andrecharge and take care of your
mental and physical health,you're actually better equipped
(09:38):
to be present and supportive inyour relationships.
Self-care is about balance.
It's not about ignoring others.
It's about making sure thatyour own needs are met too.
So let's go over a few examplesof prioritizing yourself versus
selfishness.
Prioritizing yourself would beyou've had a long week and feel
(09:58):
completely drained, and then afriend invites you out, but you
politely say I'd love to hangout, but I really need a quiet
night to recharge.
You're not ignoring your friend.
You're taking care of yourselfso that you can be a better
friend later.
Selfishness would be you blowoff the plans at the last minute
without a word and you leaveyour friend waiting or being
disappointed just because youdidn't feel like it.
(10:19):
Prioritizing yourself would beyou block out time for a workout
or a bubble bath or even justreading a book, because it helps
you feel grounded and lessstressed.
This doesn't mean that you'reneglecting your responsibilities
.
It means that you're makingtime for your well-being.
Selfishness would be you ignoreeveryone's needs and leave
others to pick up your slack andspend the whole day pampering
(10:41):
yourself without considering theimpact.
Prioritizing yourself lookslike your boss asks you to stay
late again, but you've alreadymade plans with your family.
You say I can't stay tonight,but I'll make sure that
everything's in order before Ileave.
You're respecting your time andcommitments while still being
responsible at work.
Selfishness would be you refuseto help with a big project
(11:02):
because you just don't want to,even though it's part of your
job and the team is counting onyou.
Prioritizing yourself would beyour partner wants to watch a
movie that you don't like, andinstead of going along with it
to avoid conflict, you say I'mnot really into that one.
Tonight, can we pick somethingelse that we're both going to
enjoy?
You're being honest about yourneeds and finding a compromise
that works for both of you.
Selfishness would be you insiston watching your favorite movie
(11:27):
every time and don't consideryour partner's preferences.
The big difference is how youractions affect others.
Prioritizing yourself is aboutmeeting your own needs in a
healthy and respectful way thatdoesn't harm anyone else.
Selfishness is when yourchoices disregard or hurt others
just to serve yourself.
Knowing the difference helpsyou set boundaries without
feeling that guilt.
(11:47):
Self-care is so important, notjust for you, but for everyone
around you.
There's this idea a lot of ushave that taking care of
ourselves is selfish.
But the truth is, if your cupis empty, you can't pour into
anyone else's.
Think about it.
How can you show up for thepeople in your life if you're
running on fumes?
Imagine you're constantlygiving your time, your energy,
(12:10):
your support to everyone else.
You're the go-to person forsolving problems, offering a
shoulder to cry on or taking onextra responsibilities.
But if you never stop to refillyour own cup, you're going to
burn out.
And when you're burnt out, it'snot just you who suffers.
Your relationships, your workand even the people that you're
trying to help end up feelingthe impact.
(12:31):
When I was struggling to setboundaries in my family practice
and pushing myself to work formonths while I was sick, I
completely burnt out.
I wasn't able to focus on mypatients because I was so
consumed by my own problems.
I started resenting people forneeding things from me when I
was already miserable.
It got so bad that I foundmyself walking out on patients,
(12:52):
slamming doors and even swearingin front of them.
That was a really low point forme.
That's not the kind of behaviorthat anyone expects from their
doctor, but my cup wascompletely empty and I had
nothing left to give.
Self-care isn't about beingindulgent or ignoring others.
It's about making sure thatyou're in a place where you can
give your best self.
It's like the safetyinstructions on an airplane they
(13:15):
always tell you to put youroxygen on mask first before
helping someone else.
Why?
Because if you're gasping forair, you're not much help to the
person next to you.
Life works the same way.
If you're gasping for air,you're not much help to the
person next to you.
Life works the same way.
When you take care of yourphysical, mental and emotional
health, you have the energy andthe patience and resilience to
support the people that you careabout.
Because I couldn't prioritize myown well-being, I ultimately
(13:40):
had to walk away from my familypractice, leaving hundreds of
patients who relied on me.
The repercussions of not beingable to care for myself or ask
for the time that I desperatelyneeded rippled far beyond me.
They affected every single oneof those patients.
While I know I wasn't the onlydoctor out there and my patients
eventually found replacements,it wasn't that simple.
I had built a strong rapportwith many of them and for some,
(14:02):
finding a new provider that theytrusted wasn't easy.
For some patients, thatcontinuity of care was deeply
important, and losing it createdunnecessary stress and
disruption in their lives.
Looking back, I know that if Ihad prioritized myself earlier
by setting boundaries, workingshorter days, taking more time
off or asking for support, Icould have avoided reaching that
(14:24):
breaking point.
But at the time I convincedmyself that taking even a few
days off was selfish, becausepeople needed me.
The guilt was overwhelming.
Anytime I considered steppingback, I beat myself up for not
being there for my patients.
I thought that I was doing theright thing by pushing through,
but in reality, I was running onempty, running myself into the
ground.
(14:44):
What I didn't realize then isthat taking that time off
wouldn't have been selfish.
It would have been self-care.
If I had allowed myself thespace to rest and recharge, I
would have had so much more togive.
Self-care isn't about neglectingothers.
It's about ensuring that youhave the capacity to show up
fully, and I've learned that thehard way.
This isn't just my story.
(15:05):
It's a reality faced bycountless workers and caregivers
who feel the crushing weight oftheir responsibilities.
When we fail to care forourselves, it's not just our own
health that suffers.
Our patients, our colleaguesand the entire system feels the
impact.
It's not just our own healththat suffers.
Our patients, our colleaguesand the entire system feels the
impact.
It's a harsh reminder of howvital self-care is, not just for
us, but for everyone whodepends on us.
(15:28):
Self-care can look different foreveryone.
Maybe it's taking a walk,journaling, saying no to things
that drain you, or even carvingout 10 minutes of quiet time in
your day.
The key is recognizing thatit's not selfish.
It's necessary.
When our cup is full, you'renot only healthier and happier,
but you're also better equippedto be the friend, partner,
(15:49):
parent or co -worker that othersneed.
So the next time that you feelguilty about taking time for
yourself, remember thisSelf-care isn't just for you,
it's for everyone that you careabout too.
You can't give your best to theworld if you're running on
empty, so fill your cup firstand watch how much more you're
able to give.
(16:09):
Here are some self-reflectionexercises for the week if you
would like to do some journalwork.
Think about a time when youfelt guilty for prioritizing
yourself.
What did you do and why did itmake you feel that way?
Looking back, was it trulyselfish or was it an act of
self-care?
Write a list of things that youneed to feel happy, healthy and
(16:30):
balanced, both big and small.
Then reflect on how often youmeet these needs.
Think about a time when takingcare of yourself allowed you to
be more present, patient orsupportive for someone else.
How did prioritizing yourwell-being benefit the people
around you?
What beliefs do you hold aboutself-care being selfish?
(16:50):
Write them down and thenchallenge each one by listing
reasons why it's not true.
Imagine your energy andemotional capacity as a cup.
Write about what fills your cupand what drains it.
Then reflect on how keepingyour cup full impacts your life
and relationships.
Write about one or twoself-care practices that you'd
(17:10):
like to prioritize this week.
What will you do and how willit benefit you?
Reflect on how you'll handleany guilt that comes up.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about love,
(17:31):
languages and relationships.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(17:54):
a hospital called 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Let's talk about something that so many of us
struggle with the idea thatliving for yourself, putting
your own needs, goals andhappiness first, means that
you're being selfish.
It's such a common fear,especially for those of us who
are recovering from codependenttendencies or have spent years
prioritizing everyone else.
(00:21):
But here's the truth Living foryourself isn't selfish, it's
necessary.
It's about honoring your worth,setting your boundaries and
realizing that you can't pourfrom an empty cup.
Today, we're going to unpackwhy focusing on your own
well-being is not only healthy,but also essential for building
better, more balancedrelationships with people around
(00:42):
you.
So let's dive in.
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
(01:02):
more fulfilling lives.
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 25th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:27):
codependent.
Today's episode is going tofocus on whether or not the idea
that living life for yourselfis selfish and, spoiler alert,
it's not.
Thank you for all of you who'vestarted to register for my
31-day journaling challengestarting December 1st.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
If you'd like to register forreceiving daily journaling
(01:49):
prompts throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontacting me through my
website atthecodependentdoctorcom.
Also, if you have any questionsor topics that you'd like me to
address on the show, I wouldlove to hear from you.
Once again, you can contact methrough my email at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
(02:09):
I've gotten a few letters fromlisteners sharing that they feel
selfish and guilty when theytry to prioritize themselves,
often adding that this isn't howthey were raised.
And you know what?
I completely get it.
When I started working on myown codependency, I felt the
exact same way.
Honestly, there are still sometimes that that little voice in
my head questions me have I gonetoo far?
(02:30):
Have I crossed over to beingselfish?
That S word selfish it feelslike the ultimate sin.
For those of us with codependenttendencies, it's almost like
we've been conditioned tobelieve that putting ourselves
first is wrong, even harmful.
But is it, or is it just an oldbelief that we've held on to?
That needs a littlere-examining?
(02:50):
Today, I'm going to be talkingabout where that fear comes from
and why prioritizing yourselfisn't the same as being selfish,
and how to find the balance inthe process.
If you're anything like me,putting yourself first feels
wrong right, like a deep down,rule-breaking kind of wrong and
I'm not talking aboutaccidentally skipping a line at
(03:11):
the grocery store.
I mean morally wrong, likewe're somehow betraying everyone
we care about just becausewe're trying to take care of
ourselves.
Does that sound familiar?
So where does this come from?
For a lot of us codependents, itstarted really early.
Maybe we grew up in ourfamilies where taking care of
others or worrying about theirfeelings wasn't just expected.
It was practically youridentity.
(03:33):
Maybe you heard things likedon't be selfish or think of
others before yourself so oftenthat you started to believe that
your needs didn't matter.
And if you dared to ask forsomething, maybe you got labeled
as selfish or difficult, which,let's face, it feels awful.
If you're constantly worryingabout how the other person is
feeling, whether they're upset,sad or disappointed, you end up
(03:55):
bending over backwards to avoidrocking the boat.
And what does that lead to?
It leads to people pleasing,saying yes when you really want
to be saying no, or puttingsomeone else's needs so far
above your own that you don'teven remember what you need
anymore.
It's exhausting.
And here's the thing when youpeople please, you're not
actually helping the otherperson.
(04:16):
In the long run, you're justteaching them to expect more and
more from you while you slowlydrain yourself dry.
That's not kindness, it'sself-neglect.
Fast forward to adulthood, andhere we are carrying that same
belief around like it's auniversal truth.
We end up running ourselvesragged trying to meet everyone
else's needs, because the ideaof saying no or taking a break
(04:40):
makes us feel like we're lettingpeople down.
And when we do put ourselvesfirst like saying sorry, I can't
help with that right now whathappens it's that guilt.
It comes rushing in andwhispering what if they don't
think that I care?
Or what if you're being selfish?
So here's the kicker, thoughthat belief that putting
(05:00):
yourself first is wrong orharmful isn't actually true.
It's conditioning.
It's a story that we've beentold and we've played it on
repeat for so long that it feelsreal.
But putting yourself firstisn't selfish, it's survival.
It's about being able to showup for others because you're
taking care of yourself first.
The truth is that when we don'tprioritize ourselves, we're not
(05:23):
actually helping anyone.
We end up burned out, resentfuland sometimes even bitter
towards the very people thatwe're trying to care for, and,
trust me, that's not the vibethat any of us wants.
So let's start rewriting thatstory.
Putting yourself first isn'tselfish.
It's the foundation for showingup as your best and healthiest
self, and you deserve that.
(05:44):
We all do.
I've been called selfish a fewtimes in my life and I believed
them.
I'll give you an example andyou can let me know what you
think.
So here's a conversation that Ihad with a relative.
Them the lottery's $50 millionthis week.
If I win, I would split up themoney as such.
Now imagine all their relativesgetting various shares of the
(06:06):
pot and at the end there was nomoney left All 50 million
dollars gone in 20 minutes aftergetting the check.
Then they asked the inevitablequestion what would you do if
you won the lottery?
Angela, me, I would give myimmediate members of the family
half a million each and use therest to build a
multidisciplinary weight losscenter and invest the rest for
(06:28):
the future.
The response I got was you'reso selfish, you need to give me
a minimum of two million, aswell as two million to each of
the family members and someextended family as well.
And do you know what my firstthought was?
Oh no, they're right, I shouldbe giving more to family.
Like seriously, how conditionedwas I to think that prioritizing
(06:49):
my own goals wasn't enough?
That's what happens when yougrow up, believing that taking
care of yourself or settinglimits makes you selfish.
I was told multiple times thatI was being selfish, even though
I feel like I was justprioritizing myself.
Looking back, I laugh at howabsurd it was for me to second
guess myself.
I was being more than generous.
(07:10):
Half a million dollars for eachof the family members is huge.
Plus, I had plans to createsomething meaningful, give back
to the community and even investin the future.
But in that moment, theirunrealistic expectations made me
feel like I wasn't doing enough.
This is what happens whencodependency and people-pleasing
take over.
You're so used to puttingeveryone else first that even
(07:31):
hypothetical boundaries feellike a betrayal.
Let me tell you right now thatkind of thinking is the real
problem, not whether you'regenerous enough with your
imaginary lottery winnings.
Prioritizing your goals andvalues doesn't make you selfish.
It makes you smart, and we allneed to remind ourselves of that
.
So let's just say that I didn'twin the lottery and no one got
(07:52):
any money Big shocker right.
But that conversation stuck withme for a long time, and why?
Because it's such a perfectexample of how the people around
us often have their own agendasand they're not afraid to
project them onto us.
It wasn't really aboutgenerosity or fairness.
It was about what they thoughtthey deserved, and in that
(08:13):
moment, I got so caught up intheir expectations that I forgot
the most important thing whatdo I think is right?
That conversation became a bigreminder for me that you can't
let other people's opinions ortheir guilt trips determine your
decisions.
You've got to figure out what'sbest for you, trust your own
judgment and remind yourselfthat it's enough.
You don't need to give untilthere's nothing left whether
(08:35):
they're talking about imaginarylottery winnings, your time or
your energy.
Because here's the truth nomatter what you decide,
someone's always going to havean opinion.
Here's the truth no matter whatyou decide, someone's always
going to have an opinion.
You can't please everyone and,honestly, you shouldn't try.
Your job isn't to meet everyoneelse's expectations.
It's to stay true to your ownvalues and your boundaries.
(08:56):
There's a difference betweenselfishness and self-care.
If you're anything like me,you've probably felt guilty
about taking time for yourself,wondering if you're being
selfish.
But guess what?
You're not.
Selfishness is when you focuson yourself in a way that
disregards or harms others.
It's that me, me, me attitude,where you're only looking out
(09:17):
for what's best for you, even ifit comes at someone else's
expense.
Self-care, on the other hand,is about making sure that you're
okay, so that you can show upfor the people and the things
that you care about.
It's about saying I can't pourfrom an empty cup.
When you take time to rest andrecharge and take care of your
mental and physical health,you're actually better equipped
(09:38):
to be present and supportive inyour relationships.
Self-care is about balance.
It's not about ignoring others.
It's about making sure thatyour own needs are met too.
So let's go over a few examplesof prioritizing yourself versus
selfishness.
Prioritizing yourself would beyou've had a long week and feel
(09:58):
completely drained, and then afriend invites you out, but you
politely say I'd love to hangout, but I really need a quiet
night to recharge.
You're not ignoring your friend.
You're taking care of yourselfso that you can be a better
friend later.
Selfishness would be you blowoff the plans at the last minute
without a word and you leaveyour friend waiting or being
disappointed just because youdidn't feel like it.
(10:19):
Prioritizing yourself would beyou block out time for a workout
or a bubble bath or even justreading a book, because it helps
you feel grounded and lessstressed.
This doesn't mean that you'reneglecting your responsibilities
.
It means that you're makingtime for your well-being.
Selfishness would be you ignoreeveryone's needs and leave
others to pick up your slack andspend the whole day pampering
(10:41):
yourself without considering theimpact.
Prioritizing yourself lookslike your boss asks you to stay
late again, but you've alreadymade plans with your family.
You say I can't stay tonight,but I'll make sure that
everything's in order before Ileave.
You're respecting your time andcommitments while still being
responsible at work.
Selfishness would be you refuseto help with a big project
(11:02):
because you just don't want to,even though it's part of your
job and the team is counting onyou.
Prioritizing yourself would beyour partner wants to watch a
movie that you don't like, andinstead of going along with it
to avoid conflict, you say I'mnot really into that one.
Tonight, can we pick somethingelse that we're both going to
enjoy?
You're being honest about yourneeds and finding a compromise
that works for both of you.
Selfishness would be you insiston watching your favorite movie
(11:27):
every time and don't consideryour partner's preferences.
The big difference is how youractions affect others.
Prioritizing yourself is aboutmeeting your own needs in a
healthy and respectful way thatdoesn't harm anyone else.
Selfishness is when yourchoices disregard or hurt others
just to serve yourself.
Knowing the difference helpsyou set boundaries without
feeling that guilt.
(11:47):
Self-care is so important, notjust for you, but for everyone
around you.
There's this idea a lot of ushave that taking care of
ourselves is selfish.
But the truth is, if your cupis empty, you can't pour into
anyone else's.
Think about it.
How can you show up for thepeople in your life if you're
running on fumes?
Imagine you're constantlygiving your time, your energy,
(12:10):
your support to everyone else.
You're the go-to person forsolving problems, offering a
shoulder to cry on or taking onextra responsibilities.
But if you never stop to refillyour own cup, you're going to
burn out.
And when you're burnt out, it'snot just you who suffers.
Your relationships, your workand even the people that you're
trying to help end up feelingthe impact.
(12:31):
When I was struggling to setboundaries in my family practice
and pushing myself to work formonths while I was sick, I
completely burnt out.
I wasn't able to focus on mypatients because I was so
consumed by my own problems.
I started resenting people forneeding things from me when I
was already miserable.
It got so bad that I foundmyself walking out on patients,
(12:52):
slamming doors and even swearingin front of them.
That was a really low point forme.
That's not the kind of behaviorthat anyone expects from their
doctor, but my cup wascompletely empty and I had
nothing left to give.
Self-care isn't about beingindulgent or ignoring others.
It's about making sure thatyou're in a place where you can
give your best self.
It's like the safetyinstructions on an airplane they
(13:15):
always tell you to put youroxygen on mask first before
helping someone else.
Why?
Because if you're gasping forair, you're not much help to the
person next to you.
Life works the same way.
If you're gasping for air,you're not much help to the
person next to you.
Life works the same way.
When you take care of yourphysical, mental and emotional
health, you have the energy andthe patience and resilience to
support the people that you careabout.
Because I couldn't prioritize myown well-being, I ultimately
(13:40):
had to walk away from my familypractice, leaving hundreds of
patients who relied on me.
The repercussions of not beingable to care for myself or ask
for the time that I desperatelyneeded rippled far beyond me.
They affected every single oneof those patients.
While I know I wasn't the onlydoctor out there and my patients
eventually found replacements,it wasn't that simple.
I had built a strong rapportwith many of them and for some,
(14:02):
finding a new provider that theytrusted wasn't easy.
For some patients, thatcontinuity of care was deeply
important, and losing it createdunnecessary stress and
disruption in their lives.
Looking back, I know that if Ihad prioritized myself earlier
by setting boundaries, workingshorter days, taking more time
off or asking for support, Icould have avoided reaching that
(14:24):
breaking point.
But at the time I convincedmyself that taking even a few
days off was selfish, becausepeople needed me.
The guilt was overwhelming.
Anytime I considered steppingback, I beat myself up for not
being there for my patients.
I thought that I was doing theright thing by pushing through,
but in reality, I was running onempty, running myself into the
ground.
(14:44):
What I didn't realize then isthat taking that time off
wouldn't have been selfish.
It would have been self-care.
If I had allowed myself thespace to rest and recharge, I
would have had so much more togive.
Self-care isn't about neglectingothers.
It's about ensuring that youhave the capacity to show up
fully, and I've learned that thehard way.
This isn't just my story.
(15:05):
It's a reality faced bycountless workers and caregivers
who feel the crushing weight oftheir responsibilities.
When we fail to care forourselves, it's not just our own
health that suffers.
Our patients, our colleaguesand the entire system feels the
impact.
It's not just our own healththat suffers.
Our patients, our colleaguesand the entire system feels the
impact.
It's a harsh reminder of howvital self-care is, not just for
us, but for everyone whodepends on us.
(15:28):
Self-care can look different foreveryone.
Maybe it's taking a walk,journaling, saying no to things
that drain you, or even carvingout 10 minutes of quiet time in
your day.
The key is recognizing thatit's not selfish.
It's necessary.
When our cup is full, you'renot only healthier and happier,
but you're also better equippedto be the friend, partner,
(15:49):
parent or co -worker that othersneed.
So the next time that you feelguilty about taking time for
yourself, remember thisSelf-care isn't just for you,
it's for everyone that you careabout too.
You can't give your best to theworld if you're running on
empty, so fill your cup firstand watch how much more you're
able to give.
(16:09):
Here are some self-reflectionexercises for the week if you
would like to do some journalwork.
Think about a time when youfelt guilty for prioritizing
yourself.
What did you do and why did itmake you feel that way?
Looking back, was it trulyselfish or was it an act of
self-care?
Write a list of things that youneed to feel happy, healthy and
(16:30):
balanced, both big and small.
Then reflect on how often youmeet these needs.
Think about a time when takingcare of yourself allowed you to
be more present, patient orsupportive for someone else.
How did prioritizing yourwell-being benefit the people
around you?
What beliefs do you hold aboutself-care being selfish?
(16:50):
Write them down and thenchallenge each one by listing
reasons why it's not true.
Imagine your energy andemotional capacity as a cup.
Write about what fills your cupand what drains it.
Then reflect on how keepingyour cup full impacts your life
and relationships.
Write about one or twoself-care practices that you'd
(17:10):
like to prioritize this week.
What will you do and how willit benefit you?
Reflect on how you'll handleany guilt that comes up.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about love,
(17:31):
languages and relationships.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
(17:54):
a hospital called 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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