November 22, 2024 • 25 mins
Unlock the secret to transforming your personal and professional relationships through the power of emotional intelligence. Discover how building self-awareness can be the first step towards understanding and managing your emotions effectively. Our discussion focuses on how many people unknowingly internalize blame and self-doubt, leading to a dismissal of their own feelings. Through practical guidance and personal stories, learn how identifying and naming your emotions can empower you to advocate for yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Join us as we delve into the art of managing emotions and practicing empathy to forge deeper connections. Learn how to create space between feeling and reacting, ensuring that your emotions don't take control. Don't forget to subscribe and share this episode to spread the benefits of emotional intelligence.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Emotional intelligence.
It's a phrase we hear all thetime, but what does it really
mean and why does it matter somuch?
In this episode, we're divinginto the power of emotional
intelligence the ability tounderstand and manage our
emotions, connect with othersand navigate life's ups and
downs with empathy and grace.
Whether you're looking toimprove your relationships,
(00:23):
handle stress better or justfeel more in control of your
reactions, emotionalintelligence is the secret
ingredient and, the best part,it's something that you can
develop and grow, no matterwhere you're starting from in
life or what situation.
So let's unpack what emotionalintelligence is all about and
how it can change the way yousee yourself and the world
around you.
(00:44):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
(01:04):
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 24th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:28):
codependent.
Today's episode will befocusing on emotional
intelligence.
Thank you to all who've startedto register for my 31-day
journaling challenge starting onDecember 1st.
I'm getting really excitedabout it.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
If you'd like to register toreceive daily journaling prompts
(01:49):
throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
Codependent is spelledC-O-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, so
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontact me through my website
at thecodependentdoctorcom.
Also, if you have any questionsor topics that you'd like me to
(02:09):
address on the show, I wouldlove to hear from you.
You can contact me through myemail, once again at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
I was recently reading this bookabout how to be a successful
leader and it brought upsomething that really stuck with
me Emotional intelligence.
They were talking about howit's the key to being a great
leader, but then I startedthinking.
(02:30):
Emotional intelligence isn'tjust important for leadership.
It's actually a game changerfor navigating all of our
relationships.
Think about it.
Whether it's with your partner,your friends, your kids or even
that coworker who drives you alittle crazy, emotional
intelligence is what helps ushandle those tricky little
moments.
It's what allows us tounderstand what we're feeling,
(02:53):
manage those emotions and eventune in to what others around
you might be going through.
And let's be real, life throwsa lot at us, so having that
skill set can make all thedifference.
So if we want to be betterleaders, partners or just humans
in general, investing in ouremotional intelligence is super
important.
It's a no-brainer right.
(03:14):
It's the ultimate life hack andthe best part is that it's
something that we can actuallywork on and get better at over
time.
Emotional intelligence isbasically being smart about our
feelings.
It's about understandingemotions and using them to make
better decisions and connectwith people.
Here are the basics ofemotional intelligence, first
(03:36):
one being self-awareness.
So know your own emotions.
You've got to know what's goingon inside you.
Are you mad, sad?
You've got to know what's goingon inside you.
Are you mad, sad, stressed,maybe excited?
Sometimes we're so busy that wedon't even stop to ask
ourselves what we're feeling.
Try asking yourself a coupletimes a day how am I feeling
right now and why?
(03:56):
It's like checking the weather.
Only it's your internal weather.
The second step isself-regulation.
Learn to manage your feelings.
Once you know how you'refeeling.
The next step is managing it.
It doesn't mean ignoring yourfeelings or shoving them down.
It means handling them in a waythat's healthy.
So let's say you're super angry, maybe you step outside, take a
(04:18):
walk or take some deep breathsinstead of yelling.
It's about taking a pausebefore you react.
The third step is empathy.
Pay attention to other people'sfeelings.
Now we can look outward.
It's about understanding whatother people might be feeling,
even if they're not saying itoutright.
Like if a friend seems quiet,maybe they're upset or
overwhelmed.
(04:38):
Just being aware of that andsaying hey, are you okay?
Can make a huge difference.
People feel seen and that'spowerful.
The fourth step is social skillsbuilding better connections.
Emotional intelligence alsohelps you build stronger
relationships.
It's about listening, beingopen and communicating in a way
that makes people feel valued.
(04:59):
It's not about winningarguments.
It's making connections.
For example, instead of jumpingin with advice when someone is
venting, just say that soundsreally tough, tell me more.
Sometimes people just need tofeel heard, staying motivated.
A big part of emotionalintelligence is staying
motivated even when things aretough.
It's about having a sense ofpurpose or something that keeps
(05:22):
you moving forward.
When you're emotionallyintelligent, you can tap into
your feelings to push throughchallenges instead of letting
them hold you back.
Emotional intelligence isn'tsomething we're just born with,
like eye color or height.
It's more like a muscle.
It's there, but it only getsstronger if you work on it.
And if it gets beaten up bypeople around you, the muscle is
(05:42):
going to become bruised andwon't work as well.
Some people might naturally bemore in tune with emotions, but
for most of us it's somethingthat we learn and work on over
time.
So just think about it asbabies we don't know how to
manage emotions.
When we're upset, we cry.
When we're happy, we smile andgiggle and that's it.
But as we grow, the peoplearound us so our parents,
(06:05):
teachers, friends they start toshape how we handle our feelings
.
If someone says it's okay tofeel angry, but let's talk about
it instead of yelling, that's alesson in emotional
intelligence right there.
But not everyone gets taughtthese skills growing up.
Maybe you grew up in a housewhere feelings weren't talked
about or where you were told tojust toughen up.
(06:26):
That can make emotionalintelligence harder to develop.
When you're raised in ahousehold with lots of conflict,
addictions or codependency,emotions are either explosive or
completely ignored.
Maybe anger turned intoshouting matches or silent
treatments, or sadness was sweptunder the rug with a
get-over-it kind of attitude.
When you're exposed to that,you don't get to see what
(06:49):
healthy emotional regulationlooks like like talking through
your feelings calmly or findingconstructive ways to cope.
Instead, you might learn toeither suppress your feelings or
let them take over, neither ofwhich helps you develop
emotional intelligence.
It's like being handed thewrong set of tools to fix a
problem.
No wonder it feels so hard tonavigate your emotions later in
(07:10):
life In these chaotic familyenvironments.
So much energy is spent managingthe chaos.
The focus is often on theperson causing the most trouble
keeping them happy, avoidingtheir triggers or cleaning up
after their messes.
When all the attention is onsomeone else's needs, yours can
get completely sidelined.
(07:31):
You might grow up feelinginvisible or like emotions don't
matter.
And if you were constantly insurvival mode, trying to predict
other people's reactions justto stay safe?
That's hyper-focus on theiremotions and that's not real
empathy.
It's a defense mechanism, trueempathy where you genuinely
connect with others' feelingscan feel foreign or exhausting
(07:53):
when you didn't grow up with itmodeled for you.
Dysfunctional households are abig risk for poor boundaries.
Maybe you had to grow up toofast acting like the parent in
the house, or you wereconstantly guilted into fixing
problems that weren't yours tofix, or maybe your personal
boundaries, like needing privacyor saying no, were completely
(08:13):
ignored.
When boundaries don't exist,it's hard to develop the skills
to set them later in life.
Healthy emotional intelligencethrives when you can separate
your emotions from others, butif you are raised to think that
your feelings andresponsibilities are tied to
someone else's behavior, youmight struggle to even know
where you end and they begin.
There's often no consistency.
(08:34):
One day everything's fine, thenext it's a total meltdown.
Maybe you were told to behonest, then punished for
speaking up, or you werereassured that everything's okay
or everything's fine, even whenit clearly wasn't.
This kind of emotional whiplashcan make it hard to trust your
instincts or even understandyour own feelings.
Have you ever questioned yourown feelings, were you asking?
(08:57):
Am I overreacting?
Am I being too sensitive?
What's wrong with me?
Should I even say anything?
Is this really my fault?
Am I imagining this?
Why can't I just let this go?
Why does this keep happening tome?
Do I deserve this?
You start to wonder if you weresomehow better, quieter, smarter
, less demanding things wouldn'tbe so hard.
(09:19):
You might start believing thatyou're the problem.
It's a subtle but powerfulfeeling that can shape how you
let others treat you or how youadvocate for yourself.
These kinds of thoughts canprofoundly affect your
self-awareness and your abilityto trust your feelings, because
they lead you to doubt your ownworth and instincts.
It creates a disoriented viewof yourself.
(09:39):
Instead of recognizing that thedysfunction in your environment
isn't your fault, youinternalize it.
This makes it harder to seeyour true self, separate from
the chaos.
You might not even recognizeyour own needs or feelings
because you're so focused on howto fix yourself to make others
happy.
For example, if you're upset,instead of asking why am I
(10:00):
feeling this way, you might jumpto I must be overreacting again
and dismiss your emotionsaltogether.
Over time, this habit ofpushing down your feelings can
leave you disconnected from thementirely, making self-awareness
nearly impossible.
Believing that you're theproblem also erodes your ability
to trust your instincts.
If you've internalized the ideathat you're too demanding or
(10:21):
too sensitive, you mightautomatically invalidate your
emotions.
Let's say, someone crosses aboundary and you feel hurt.
Instead of thinking, well, thatwasn't okay and I have the
right to feel upset.
You might think maybe I'mmaking a big deal out of nothing
and I shouldn't be feeling thisway.
That constant self-doubt makesyou second-guess everything.
(10:42):
It's like putting a filter onyour emotions that says you're
wrong, no matter what all thetime.
Over time, you lose trust inyour ability to understand or
interpret your feelingsaccurately, which makes it
harder to make decisions, setboundaries or stand up for
yourself when you believe you'reinherently flawed.
Speaking up for your needs orstanding your ground can feel
(11:02):
almost impossible.
You might think.
Why would anyone listen to me?
I'm probably wrong anyway.
This can lead to a pattern ofstaying silent, even when you're
hurt or uncomfortable, becauseadvocating for yourself feels
like an uphill battle thatyou're not equipped to win.
Emotional intelligence startswith self-awareness, which means
being able to recognize andunderstand your emotions.
(11:24):
It's the foundation foreverything else managing your
emotions, empathizing withothers and building strong
relationships.
But when you grow up in achaotic or unpredictable
environment, like a householdfull of conflict or addictions
or neglect, self-awareness canbe a real struggle.
Emotions can almost feeldangerous.
If expressing your feelings ledto arguments, rejections or
(11:45):
punishment, you might havelearned to bury your emotions
just to survive and over timeyou might stop even noticing
what you're feeling becauseacknowledging it felt too risky,
instead of thinking I'm upsetbecause that was unfair.
You might think I'm upset, butI don't know why, and I probably
shouldn't be upset at all.
Without self-awareness, it'sharder to pinpoint the why
behind your feelings.
(12:05):
For instance, you might feelangry but not realize that it's
because someone crossed yourboundaries, or you might feel
anxious without recognizing thatit's tied to growing up in an
unpredictable environment whereyou never felt safe.
This disconnect makes itdifficult to manage emotions
effectively, which is a coreskill of emotional intelligence.
The great thing about emotionalintelligence is that it's not
(12:27):
something that you either haveor you don't have.
It's not like a genetic trait,like the size of your nose or
having webbed toes.
It's a skill that you canactually work on and improve
over time, no matter whereyou're starting from.
So maybe you didn't grow up inan environment where emotions
were talked about or handledwell.
That's totally okay.
You can still learn.
(12:47):
So let's work on developing ouremotional intelligence.
Step one was starting withself-awareness.
Self-awareness is thefoundation of emotional
intelligence.
It's all about getting curiousabout your emotions.
Most of us go through the dayon autopilot reacting to things
(13:08):
without stopping to ask wait,what's really going on with me
right now, for example, ifyou're feeling irritated,
instead of brushing it off orsnapping at someone, try asking
yourself why do I feel this way?
Did something happen or am Ijust tired?
Am I distressed?
Even just naming your feelings,like saying I feel annoyed,
helps you take control.
A few years ago, a friend ofmine came over to my house and
made an offhanded comment abouthow messy my kids were.
(13:29):
Was it true?
Absolutely.
That day.
There was stuff everywhere,nothing was in the dishwasher
and the table was covered in alltheir school projects.
But even though it was true,her comment made me really angry
.
Now, instead of brushing it offor addressing it directly, I
spent the rest of the day beingreally snippy with her and
making passive, aggressivecomments and honestly, that
(13:51):
didn't get me anywhere.
But back then that was mydefault way of handling
situations like this.
At the time, I didn't realizewhy I was reacting the way I was
.
I just knew that I was upsetand that I was lashing out.
It took me hours to figure outthe real reason that I was so
angry and hurt.
When she commented on the mess,what I heard wasn't just about
(14:12):
the state of the house.
What I heard was a judgmentabout me as a mother.
Her words triggered this deepinsecurity that I had about
whether or not I was doingenough to teach my kids
responsibility.
I felt really defensive, like Iwas being accused of failing as
a parent.
And when I felt that way, myknee-jerk reaction was to try to
hurt her back in subtle kind ofpassive-aggressive ways.
(14:33):
Looking back, sure, maybe sheshouldn't have made that comment
on my kids' messiness.
It wasn't the most thoughtfulthing to say.
But the real lesson for mewasn't about her comment, it was
about my response.
I had to face the fact that mydefensiveness and anger came
from my own insecurities, notfrom anything that she intended
to do.
That realization was a big steptowards self-awareness, and
(14:55):
here's why this matters.
Self-awareness is aboutstopping and asking what am I
really feeling here and why?
In that moment I was too caughtup in my emotions to recognize
what was actually happening.
But later I realized myreaction had little to do with
my friend's comment andeverything to do with how I felt
about myself as a parent.
That's the power of emotionalintelligence it helps you dig
(15:17):
deeper and see the truth behindyour feelings and take
responsibility for your actions.
So the next time someone sayssomething that stings, pause for
a second and ask yourselfwhat's really going on here and
why does this bother me so much?
Because once you understandyour emotions, you can respond
in a way that strengthens yourrelationship instead of creating
distance, and, trust me, itfeels so much better than being
(15:39):
snippy and passive-aggressiveall day.
The next step is to practicemanaging those emotions.
After you recognize youremotions, the next step is
figuring out how to handle themwithout letting them take over.
This doesn't mean ignoring yourfeelings.
It's about responding to themthoughtfully.
So let's say you're angrybecause a coworker was rude.
Instead of sending a snarkyemail or venting to everyone in
(16:00):
the office, take a minute, trysomething like I'm upset right
now, but I'm going to cool offbefore I address it.
It's about creating spacebetween how you feel and how you
act.
Over time, this is going tohelp you feel more in control of
your emotions, instead ofletting them control you.
If you're on hold with customerservice for 30 minutes, let's
say, before they finally answerwhen they get on the line,
(16:23):
you're furious and feel likeyelling at them, but before you
do, just remind yourself thisperson didn't create the problem
, they're just the one answeringthe phone.
So you take a step back and youcreate that space, so you
calmly explain your issue andask for a solution.
Staying calm doesn't just helpthe situation.
It also keeps you from walkingaway feeling really embarrassed
(16:45):
about losing your cool.
So, once again, it's aboutcreating that space between your
emotion and how you react.
In the example with my friendcommenting on my messy house,
the emotion that I initiallyfelt was hurt and defensiveness.
But instead of recognizing that, I let those emotions control
me and I responded with thesepassive-aggressive comments.
If I had paused and reflected,I could have acknowledged to
(17:07):
myself wow, that comment stungbecause it's hitting an
insecurity that I have about myparenting.
From there I might haveresponded saying something like
yeah, it's been a busy day andI'll get the kids to clean up
later.
This way I could have diffusedthe situation and kept the
relationship intact, instead ofletting my hurt create
unnecessary tension.
Then I can deal with myinsecurities.
(17:28):
The third step in emotionalintelligence is working on
empathy.
Empathy is your ability tounderstand what someone else is
feeling, even if they don't sayit out loud.
It's like tuning into someoneelse's emotional frequency.
For example, if your friendseems quiet and withdrawn,
instead of assuming that they'remad at you or ignoring it, you
could ask hey, you seem a littleoff today.
(17:48):
Is everything okay?
It's a small act that showsthat you care.
That shows that you care.
Empathy doesn't mean that youhave to fix their problem.
It's just about making themfeel seen and heard.
And the more you practice, thebetter you get at picking up on
those unspoken emotional cues.
Empathizing with someone isn'talways easy.
It can actually be reallychallenging.
It takes effort, self-awarenessand a willingness to step
(18:12):
outside of your own experience.
And let's face it, life can bereally overwhelming and when
you're juggling your own stress,it's easy to miss what's going
on with someone else.
Empathy requires pausing andshifting your attention outward,
which isn't always easy,especially when you're running
on empty.
Sometimes it's hard toempathize with someone because
you've never been in their shoes.
If a co-worker is stressedabout something that doesn't
(18:34):
seem like a big deal to you,like a presentation or a
personal conflict, you mightdismiss it altogether.
But empathy isn't aboutrelating to the exact situation.
It's about acknowledgingsomeone else's feelings and
understanding that what's toughfor them might feel different to
you.
It can be challenging toempathize with someone who's
acting distant, defensive oreven rude.
If a friend snaps at you, yourfirst instinct might be to snap
(18:57):
back or pull away rather thanasking hey, what's really going
on with you?
Empathy requires looking beyondsomeone's behavior to consider
what emotions might be drivingit, which can feel unnatural in
the heat of the moment.
And empathy can feel reallyintimidating when you don't know
how to respond.
What if you say something wrong?
What if they get upset or don'twant to talk?
(19:17):
Sometimes the fear of notknowing how to help can stop you
from trying altogether.
But empathy isn't about fixingtheir problem.
It's about being present andshowing that you care, even if
all you can say is I'm here ifyou need me.
Empathy takes awareness and thatmeans being tuned in to what's
happening around you.
So pay attention to changes.
Notice when someone seemsdifferent than usual Are they
(19:40):
quieter, more withdrawn orquicker to anger?
And listen beyond words.
People don't always say howthey're feeling outright.
Pay attention to body language,tone of voice or even what they
aren't asking and ask.
Don't assume.
If you notice that someoneseems off, resist the urge to
jump to conclusions.
So, instead of thinking they'remad at me, try asking hey, you
(20:03):
seem a little off today, iseverything okay?
A simple check-in can open thedoor to understanding, make
space for empathy.
Sometimes you need to slow downand create space to notice
others.
This might mean putting downyour phone during a conversation
or taking a moment to observewhat's going on with someone
before responding.
Being present is the key toempathy.
(20:23):
The fourth step in emotionalintelligence is building better
social skills, which includesbetter communication skills.
Good communication is key toemotional intelligence because
it's how you express what you'refeeling in a way that others
can understand.
This can be as simple as sayingI'm feeling overwhelmed right
now.
Can we talk about this later,instead of bottling it up until
(20:43):
you explode?
It's also about listeningreally listening when someone
else is sharing their feelings.
It's amazing how much smootherthings go when you communicate
clearly and kindly.
Plus, when you're honest aboutyour emotions, it encourages
others to do the same, which canstrengthen your relationship.
Self-reflection is superimportant.
Taking time to reflect on howyou handle emotions is such an
(21:05):
important step in buildingemotional intelligence, and it
doesn't have to feel likehomework.
It's not about being hard onyourself or nitpicking
everything you do.
It's just about noticingpatterns in how you react.
For example, do you tend toavoid conflict because it feels
awkward or uncomfortable?
Or do you find yourself gettingdefensive whenever someone
gives you feedback, even if theymean well?
(21:27):
Once you spot these patterns,you've got a starting point to
work on them, and the good newsis that you don't have to fix
everything all at once.
Start small, let's say.
You realize that you avoidconflict.
The next time you're tempted tostay quiet.
Challenge yourself to saysomething, even if it's just hey
, can we talk about this?
Or if you catch yourselfgetting defensive, pause for a
(21:47):
second, take a deep breath andask yourself am I reacting this
way because I feel attacked, oris this just hitting a nerve?
That little pause can make abig difference, and mindfulness
is also a game changer for thiskind of work.
Practicing mindfulness doesn'tmean that you have to sit on a
cushion meditating for hours.
It can be as simple as noticinghow you're feeling in the
moment.
(22:07):
Pay attention to what'shappening in your body when
emotions come up.
Maybe your chest feels tightwhen you're anxious, or your jaw
clenches when you're frustrated.
Maybe your chest feels tightwhen you're anxious or your jaw
clenches when you're frustrated.
Just noticing these things canhelp you catch your emotional
reactions earlier and respondmore thoughtfully.
Journaling is also a good toolthat you can use.
At the end of the day, takefive minutes to jot down a
(22:28):
moment when you had a strongreaction and what happened, how
you felt and how you handled it.
Over time, you'll start to seepatterns.
Maybe you notice that youalways feel defensive when
someone comments on your work orthat you avoid tough
conversations with certainpeople.
Once you see those patterns,it's easier to work on them and
(22:48):
please, please, be patient withyourself.
Emotional intelligence is not anovernight transformation.
It's a process and you're goingto mess up along the way.
You might say the wrong thing,lose your cool or feel
frustrated that you're notgetting it right, and that's
okay.
What matters is that you keeptrying.
Each time you pause, reflectand try to do better, you're
(23:11):
strengthening that emotionalintelligence muscle and over
time, those little steps aregoing to add up to big progress.
So cut yourself some slack andcelebrate the wins, even the
small ones, like if you starttaking a deep breath instead of
snapping.
The beauty of emotionalintelligence is that it's a
journey, not a destination.
The more you practice, thebetter you get and the more
(23:32):
connected that you're going tofeel with yourself and others.
It's all about showing up andtrying your best and knowing
that every little step counts.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about the
(23:52):
idea that living for yourselfdoesn't mean that you're selfish
.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
(24:14):
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
Emotional intelligence.
It's a phrase we hear all thetime, but what does it really
mean and why does it matter somuch?
In this episode, we're divinginto the power of emotional
intelligence the ability tounderstand and manage our
emotions, connect with othersand navigate life's ups and
downs with empathy and grace.
Whether you're looking toimprove your relationships,
(00:23):
handle stress better or justfeel more in control of your
reactions, emotionalintelligence is the secret
ingredient and, the best part,it's something that you can
develop and grow, no matterwhere you're starting from in
life or what situation.
So let's unpack what emotionalintelligence is all about and
how it can change the way yousee yourself and the world
around you.
(00:44):
Welcome to the CodependentDoctor, a weekly podcast
focusing on all thingscodependency.
Are you struggling to loveyourself, feeling burnt out or
having trouble forming lovingand meaningful relationships?
I can help you heal from thepast and move forward with
healthier selves, healthierrelationships and healthier,
more fulfilling lives.
(01:04):
Join me as we reclaim yourauthentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctorand fellow codependent, dr
Angela Downey.
We can do this together.
Here we go.
Hello to all my wonderfulpodcast listeners and welcome to
the 24th episode of theCodependent Doctor.
I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow
(01:28):
codependent.
Today's episode will befocusing on emotional
intelligence.
Thank you to all who've startedto register for my 31-day
journaling challenge starting onDecember 1st.
I'm getting really excitedabout it.
It's a great way to mentallyprepare yourself for the new
year ahead and what you mightwant to work on.
If you'd like to register toreceive daily journaling prompts
(01:49):
throughout the month ofDecember, you can email me at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
Codependent is spelledC-O-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, so
codependentdoctor at gmailcom orcontact me through my website
at thecodependentdoctorcom.
Also, if you have any questionsor topics that you'd like me to
(02:09):
address on the show, I wouldlove to hear from you.
You can contact me through myemail, once again at
codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
I was recently reading this bookabout how to be a successful
leader and it brought upsomething that really stuck with
me Emotional intelligence.
They were talking about howit's the key to being a great
leader, but then I startedthinking.
(02:30):
Emotional intelligence isn'tjust important for leadership.
It's actually a game changerfor navigating all of our
relationships.
Think about it.
Whether it's with your partner,your friends, your kids or even
that coworker who drives you alittle crazy, emotional
intelligence is what helps ushandle those tricky little
moments.
It's what allows us tounderstand what we're feeling,
(02:53):
manage those emotions and eventune in to what others around
you might be going through.
And let's be real, life throwsa lot at us, so having that
skill set can make all thedifference.
So if we want to be betterleaders, partners or just humans
in general, investing in ouremotional intelligence is super
important.
It's a no-brainer right.
(03:14):
It's the ultimate life hack andthe best part is that it's
something that we can actuallywork on and get better at over
time.
Emotional intelligence isbasically being smart about our
feelings.
It's about understandingemotions and using them to make
better decisions and connectwith people.
Here are the basics ofemotional intelligence, first
(03:36):
one being self-awareness.
So know your own emotions.
You've got to know what's goingon inside you.
Are you mad, sad?
You've got to know what's goingon inside you.
Are you mad, sad, stressed,maybe excited?
Sometimes we're so busy that wedon't even stop to ask
ourselves what we're feeling.
Try asking yourself a coupletimes a day how am I feeling
right now and why?
(03:56):
It's like checking the weather.
Only it's your internal weather.
The second step isself-regulation.
Learn to manage your feelings.
Once you know how you'refeeling.
The next step is managing it.
It doesn't mean ignoring yourfeelings or shoving them down.
It means handling them in a waythat's healthy.
So let's say you're super angry, maybe you step outside, take a
(04:18):
walk or take some deep breathsinstead of yelling.
It's about taking a pausebefore you react.
The third step is empathy.
Pay attention to other people'sfeelings.
Now we can look outward.
It's about understanding whatother people might be feeling,
even if they're not saying itoutright.
Like if a friend seems quiet,maybe they're upset or
overwhelmed.
(04:38):
Just being aware of that andsaying hey, are you okay?
Can make a huge difference.
People feel seen and that'spowerful.
The fourth step is social skillsbuilding better connections.
Emotional intelligence alsohelps you build stronger
relationships.
It's about listening, beingopen and communicating in a way
that makes people feel valued.
(04:59):
It's not about winningarguments.
It's making connections.
For example, instead of jumpingin with advice when someone is
venting, just say that soundsreally tough, tell me more.
Sometimes people just need tofeel heard, staying motivated.
A big part of emotionalintelligence is staying
motivated even when things aretough.
It's about having a sense ofpurpose or something that keeps
(05:22):
you moving forward.
When you're emotionallyintelligent, you can tap into
your feelings to push throughchallenges instead of letting
them hold you back.
Emotional intelligence isn'tsomething we're just born with,
like eye color or height.
It's more like a muscle.
It's there, but it only getsstronger if you work on it.
And if it gets beaten up bypeople around you, the muscle is
(05:42):
going to become bruised andwon't work as well.
Some people might naturally bemore in tune with emotions, but
for most of us it's somethingthat we learn and work on over
time.
So just think about it asbabies we don't know how to
manage emotions.
When we're upset, we cry.
When we're happy, we smile andgiggle and that's it.
But as we grow, the peoplearound us so our parents,
(06:05):
teachers, friends they start toshape how we handle our feelings
.
If someone says it's okay tofeel angry, but let's talk about
it instead of yelling, that's alesson in emotional
intelligence right there.
But not everyone gets taughtthese skills growing up.
Maybe you grew up in a housewhere feelings weren't talked
about or where you were told tojust toughen up.
(06:26):
That can make emotionalintelligence harder to develop.
When you're raised in ahousehold with lots of conflict,
addictions or codependency,emotions are either explosive or
completely ignored.
Maybe anger turned intoshouting matches or silent
treatments, or sadness was sweptunder the rug with a
get-over-it kind of attitude.
When you're exposed to that,you don't get to see what
(06:49):
healthy emotional regulationlooks like like talking through
your feelings calmly or findingconstructive ways to cope.
Instead, you might learn toeither suppress your feelings or
let them take over, neither ofwhich helps you develop
emotional intelligence.
It's like being handed thewrong set of tools to fix a
problem.
No wonder it feels so hard tonavigate your emotions later in
(07:10):
life In these chaotic familyenvironments.
So much energy is spent managingthe chaos.
The focus is often on theperson causing the most trouble
keeping them happy, avoidingtheir triggers or cleaning up
after their messes.
When all the attention is onsomeone else's needs, yours can
get completely sidelined.
(07:31):
You might grow up feelinginvisible or like emotions don't
matter.
And if you were constantly insurvival mode, trying to predict
other people's reactions justto stay safe?
That's hyper-focus on theiremotions and that's not real
empathy.
It's a defense mechanism, trueempathy where you genuinely
connect with others' feelingscan feel foreign or exhausting
(07:53):
when you didn't grow up with itmodeled for you.
Dysfunctional households are abig risk for poor boundaries.
Maybe you had to grow up toofast acting like the parent in
the house, or you wereconstantly guilted into fixing
problems that weren't yours tofix, or maybe your personal
boundaries, like needing privacyor saying no, were completely
(08:13):
ignored.
When boundaries don't exist,it's hard to develop the skills
to set them later in life.
Healthy emotional intelligencethrives when you can separate
your emotions from others, butif you are raised to think that
your feelings andresponsibilities are tied to
someone else's behavior, youmight struggle to even know
where you end and they begin.
There's often no consistency.
(08:34):
One day everything's fine, thenext it's a total meltdown.
Maybe you were told to behonest, then punished for
speaking up, or you werereassured that everything's okay
or everything's fine, even whenit clearly wasn't.
This kind of emotional whiplashcan make it hard to trust your
instincts or even understandyour own feelings.
Have you ever questioned yourown feelings, were you asking?
(08:57):
Am I overreacting?
Am I being too sensitive?
What's wrong with me?
Should I even say anything?
Is this really my fault?
Am I imagining this?
Why can't I just let this go?
Why does this keep happening tome?
Do I deserve this?
You start to wonder if you weresomehow better, quieter, smarter
, less demanding things wouldn'tbe so hard.
(09:19):
You might start believing thatyou're the problem.
It's a subtle but powerfulfeeling that can shape how you
let others treat you or how youadvocate for yourself.
These kinds of thoughts canprofoundly affect your
self-awareness and your abilityto trust your feelings, because
they lead you to doubt your ownworth and instincts.
It creates a disoriented viewof yourself.
(09:39):
Instead of recognizing that thedysfunction in your environment
isn't your fault, youinternalize it.
This makes it harder to seeyour true self, separate from
the chaos.
You might not even recognizeyour own needs or feelings
because you're so focused on howto fix yourself to make others
happy.
For example, if you're upset,instead of asking why am I
(10:00):
feeling this way, you might jumpto I must be overreacting again
and dismiss your emotionsaltogether.
Over time, this habit ofpushing down your feelings can
leave you disconnected from thementirely, making self-awareness
nearly impossible.
Believing that you're theproblem also erodes your ability
to trust your instincts.
If you've internalized the ideathat you're too demanding or
(10:21):
too sensitive, you mightautomatically invalidate your
emotions.
Let's say, someone crosses aboundary and you feel hurt.
Instead of thinking, well, thatwasn't okay and I have the
right to feel upset.
You might think maybe I'mmaking a big deal out of nothing
and I shouldn't be feeling thisway.
That constant self-doubt makesyou second-guess everything.
(10:42):
It's like putting a filter onyour emotions that says you're
wrong, no matter what all thetime.
Over time, you lose trust inyour ability to understand or
interpret your feelingsaccurately, which makes it
harder to make decisions, setboundaries or stand up for
yourself when you believe you'reinherently flawed.
Speaking up for your needs orstanding your ground can feel
(11:02):
almost impossible.
You might think.
Why would anyone listen to me?
I'm probably wrong anyway.
This can lead to a pattern ofstaying silent, even when you're
hurt or uncomfortable, becauseadvocating for yourself feels
like an uphill battle thatyou're not equipped to win.
Emotional intelligence startswith self-awareness, which means
being able to recognize andunderstand your emotions.
(11:24):
It's the foundation foreverything else managing your
emotions, empathizing withothers and building strong
relationships.
But when you grow up in achaotic or unpredictable
environment, like a householdfull of conflict or addictions
or neglect, self-awareness canbe a real struggle.
Emotions can almost feeldangerous.
If expressing your feelings ledto arguments, rejections or
(11:45):
punishment, you might havelearned to bury your emotions
just to survive and over timeyou might stop even noticing
what you're feeling becauseacknowledging it felt too risky,
instead of thinking I'm upsetbecause that was unfair.
You might think I'm upset, butI don't know why, and I probably
shouldn't be upset at all.
Without self-awareness, it'sharder to pinpoint the why
behind your feelings.
(12:05):
For instance, you might feelangry but not realize that it's
because someone crossed yourboundaries, or you might feel
anxious without recognizing thatit's tied to growing up in an
unpredictable environment whereyou never felt safe.
This disconnect makes itdifficult to manage emotions
effectively, which is a coreskill of emotional intelligence.
The great thing about emotionalintelligence is that it's not
(12:27):
something that you either haveor you don't have.
It's not like a genetic trait,like the size of your nose or
having webbed toes.
It's a skill that you canactually work on and improve
over time, no matter whereyou're starting from.
So maybe you didn't grow up inan environment where emotions
were talked about or handledwell.
That's totally okay.
You can still learn.
(12:47):
So let's work on developing ouremotional intelligence.
Step one was starting withself-awareness.
Self-awareness is thefoundation of emotional
intelligence.
It's all about getting curiousabout your emotions.
Most of us go through the dayon autopilot reacting to things
(13:08):
without stopping to ask wait,what's really going on with me
right now, for example, ifyou're feeling irritated,
instead of brushing it off orsnapping at someone, try asking
yourself why do I feel this way?
Did something happen or am Ijust tired?
Am I distressed?
Even just naming your feelings,like saying I feel annoyed,
helps you take control.
A few years ago, a friend ofmine came over to my house and
made an offhanded comment abouthow messy my kids were.
(13:29):
Was it true?
Absolutely.
That day.
There was stuff everywhere,nothing was in the dishwasher
and the table was covered in alltheir school projects.
But even though it was true,her comment made me really angry
.
Now, instead of brushing it offor addressing it directly, I
spent the rest of the day beingreally snippy with her and
making passive, aggressivecomments and honestly, that
(13:51):
didn't get me anywhere.
But back then that was mydefault way of handling
situations like this.
At the time, I didn't realizewhy I was reacting the way I was
.
I just knew that I was upsetand that I was lashing out.
It took me hours to figure outthe real reason that I was so
angry and hurt.
When she commented on the mess,what I heard wasn't just about
(14:12):
the state of the house.
What I heard was a judgmentabout me as a mother.
Her words triggered this deepinsecurity that I had about
whether or not I was doingenough to teach my kids
responsibility.
I felt really defensive, like Iwas being accused of failing as
a parent.
And when I felt that way, myknee-jerk reaction was to try to
hurt her back in subtle kind ofpassive-aggressive ways.
(14:33):
Looking back, sure, maybe sheshouldn't have made that comment
on my kids' messiness.
It wasn't the most thoughtfulthing to say.
But the real lesson for mewasn't about her comment, it was
about my response.
I had to face the fact that mydefensiveness and anger came
from my own insecurities, notfrom anything that she intended
to do.
That realization was a big steptowards self-awareness, and
(14:55):
here's why this matters.
Self-awareness is aboutstopping and asking what am I
really feeling here and why?
In that moment I was too caughtup in my emotions to recognize
what was actually happening.
But later I realized myreaction had little to do with
my friend's comment andeverything to do with how I felt
about myself as a parent.
That's the power of emotionalintelligence it helps you dig
(15:17):
deeper and see the truth behindyour feelings and take
responsibility for your actions.
So the next time someone sayssomething that stings, pause for
a second and ask yourselfwhat's really going on here and
why does this bother me so much?
Because once you understandyour emotions, you can respond
in a way that strengthens yourrelationship instead of creating
distance, and, trust me, itfeels so much better than being
(15:39):
snippy and passive-aggressiveall day.
The next step is to practicemanaging those emotions.
After you recognize youremotions, the next step is
figuring out how to handle themwithout letting them take over.
This doesn't mean ignoring yourfeelings.
It's about responding to themthoughtfully.
So let's say you're angrybecause a coworker was rude.
Instead of sending a snarkyemail or venting to everyone in
(16:00):
the office, take a minute, trysomething like I'm upset right
now, but I'm going to cool offbefore I address it.
It's about creating spacebetween how you feel and how you
act.
Over time, this is going tohelp you feel more in control of
your emotions, instead ofletting them control you.
If you're on hold with customerservice for 30 minutes, let's
say, before they finally answerwhen they get on the line,
(16:23):
you're furious and feel likeyelling at them, but before you
do, just remind yourself thisperson didn't create the problem
, they're just the one answeringthe phone.
So you take a step back and youcreate that space, so you
calmly explain your issue andask for a solution.
Staying calm doesn't just helpthe situation.
It also keeps you from walkingaway feeling really embarrassed
(16:45):
about losing your cool.
So, once again, it's aboutcreating that space between your
emotion and how you react.
In the example with my friendcommenting on my messy house,
the emotion that I initiallyfelt was hurt and defensiveness.
But instead of recognizing that, I let those emotions control
me and I responded with thesepassive-aggressive comments.
If I had paused and reflected,I could have acknowledged to
(17:07):
myself wow, that comment stungbecause it's hitting an
insecurity that I have about myparenting.
From there I might haveresponded saying something like
yeah, it's been a busy day andI'll get the kids to clean up
later.
This way I could have diffusedthe situation and kept the
relationship intact, instead ofletting my hurt create
unnecessary tension.
Then I can deal with myinsecurities.
(17:28):
The third step in emotionalintelligence is working on
empathy.
Empathy is your ability tounderstand what someone else is
feeling, even if they don't sayit out loud.
It's like tuning into someoneelse's emotional frequency.
For example, if your friendseems quiet and withdrawn,
instead of assuming that they'remad at you or ignoring it, you
could ask hey, you seem a littleoff today.
(17:48):
Is everything okay?
It's a small act that showsthat you care.
That shows that you care.
Empathy doesn't mean that youhave to fix their problem.
It's just about making themfeel seen and heard.
And the more you practice, thebetter you get at picking up on
those unspoken emotional cues.
Empathizing with someone isn'talways easy.
It can actually be reallychallenging.
It takes effort, self-awarenessand a willingness to step
(18:12):
outside of your own experience.
And let's face it, life can bereally overwhelming and when
you're juggling your own stress,it's easy to miss what's going
on with someone else.
Empathy requires pausing andshifting your attention outward,
which isn't always easy,especially when you're running
on empty.
Sometimes it's hard toempathize with someone because
you've never been in their shoes.
If a co-worker is stressedabout something that doesn't
(18:34):
seem like a big deal to you,like a presentation or a
personal conflict, you mightdismiss it altogether.
But empathy isn't aboutrelating to the exact situation.
It's about acknowledgingsomeone else's feelings and
understanding that what's toughfor them might feel different to
you.
It can be challenging toempathize with someone who's
acting distant, defensive oreven rude.
If a friend snaps at you, yourfirst instinct might be to snap
(18:57):
back or pull away rather thanasking hey, what's really going
on with you?
Empathy requires looking beyondsomeone's behavior to consider
what emotions might be drivingit, which can feel unnatural in
the heat of the moment.
And empathy can feel reallyintimidating when you don't know
how to respond.
What if you say something wrong?
What if they get upset or don'twant to talk?
(19:17):
Sometimes the fear of notknowing how to help can stop you
from trying altogether.
But empathy isn't about fixingtheir problem.
It's about being present andshowing that you care, even if
all you can say is I'm here ifyou need me.
Empathy takes awareness and thatmeans being tuned in to what's
happening around you.
So pay attention to changes.
Notice when someone seemsdifferent than usual Are they
(19:40):
quieter, more withdrawn orquicker to anger?
And listen beyond words.
People don't always say howthey're feeling outright.
Pay attention to body language,tone of voice or even what they
aren't asking and ask.
Don't assume.
If you notice that someoneseems off, resist the urge to
jump to conclusions.
So, instead of thinking they'remad at me, try asking hey, you
(20:03):
seem a little off today, iseverything okay?
A simple check-in can open thedoor to understanding, make
space for empathy.
Sometimes you need to slow downand create space to notice
others.
This might mean putting downyour phone during a conversation
or taking a moment to observewhat's going on with someone
before responding.
Being present is the key toempathy.
(20:23):
The fourth step in emotionalintelligence is building better
social skills, which includesbetter communication skills.
Good communication is key toemotional intelligence because
it's how you express what you'refeeling in a way that others
can understand.
This can be as simple as sayingI'm feeling overwhelmed right
now.
Can we talk about this later,instead of bottling it up until
(20:43):
you explode?
It's also about listeningreally listening when someone
else is sharing their feelings.
It's amazing how much smootherthings go when you communicate
clearly and kindly.
Plus, when you're honest aboutyour emotions, it encourages
others to do the same, which canstrengthen your relationship.
Self-reflection is superimportant.
Taking time to reflect on howyou handle emotions is such an
(21:05):
important step in buildingemotional intelligence, and it
doesn't have to feel likehomework.
It's not about being hard onyourself or nitpicking
everything you do.
It's just about noticingpatterns in how you react.
For example, do you tend toavoid conflict because it feels
awkward or uncomfortable?
Or do you find yourself gettingdefensive whenever someone
gives you feedback, even if theymean well?
(21:27):
Once you spot these patterns,you've got a starting point to
work on them, and the good newsis that you don't have to fix
everything all at once.
Start small, let's say.
You realize that you avoidconflict.
The next time you're tempted tostay quiet.
Challenge yourself to saysomething, even if it's just hey
, can we talk about this?
Or if you catch yourselfgetting defensive, pause for a
(21:47):
second, take a deep breath andask yourself am I reacting this
way because I feel attacked, oris this just hitting a nerve?
That little pause can make abig difference, and mindfulness
is also a game changer for thiskind of work.
Practicing mindfulness doesn'tmean that you have to sit on a
cushion meditating for hours.
It can be as simple as noticinghow you're feeling in the
moment.
(22:07):
Pay attention to what'shappening in your body when
emotions come up.
Maybe your chest feels tightwhen you're anxious, or your jaw
clenches when you're frustrated.
Maybe your chest feels tightwhen you're anxious or your jaw
clenches when you're frustrated.
Just noticing these things canhelp you catch your emotional
reactions earlier and respondmore thoughtfully.
Journaling is also a good toolthat you can use.
At the end of the day, takefive minutes to jot down a
(22:28):
moment when you had a strongreaction and what happened, how
you felt and how you handled it.
Over time, you'll start to seepatterns.
Maybe you notice that youalways feel defensive when
someone comments on your work orthat you avoid tough
conversations with certainpeople.
Once you see those patterns,it's easier to work on them and
(22:48):
please, please, be patient withyourself.
Emotional intelligence is not anovernight transformation.
It's a process and you're goingto mess up along the way.
You might say the wrong thing,lose your cool or feel
frustrated that you're notgetting it right, and that's
okay.
What matters is that you keeptrying.
Each time you pause, reflectand try to do better, you're
(23:11):
strengthening that emotionalintelligence muscle and over
time, those little steps aregoing to add up to big progress.
So cut yourself some slack andcelebrate the wins, even the
small ones, like if you starttaking a deep breath instead of
snapping.
The beauty of emotionalintelligence is that it's a
journey, not a destination.
The more you practice, thebetter you get and the more
(23:32):
connected that you're going tofeel with yourself and others.
It's all about showing up andtrying your best and knowing
that every little step counts.
I wish you all a great week asyou learn to foster a better
relationship with the mostimportant person in your life
yourself.
I'm going to meet you here nextweek for another episode of the
Codependent Doctor, when I'mgoing to be talking about the
(23:52):
idea that living for yourselfdoesn't mean that you're selfish
.
Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and Ihope today's podcast resonated
with you.
Click, like and subscribe soyou don't miss any future
episodes and to help others whomight benefit.
This podcast is not meant toprovide medical advice and
should not replace seeing yourdoctor for mental health
(24:14):
concerns.
If you're having a mentalhealth crisis, please present to
a hospital, call 911 or yourlocal crisis helpline.
I'll talk to you next week withanother edition of the
Codependent Doctor.
We can do this together.
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