Master Your Unconscious Mind to Transform Your Life & Business w/ TJ Fry

Episode Transcript
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tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_102356 (00:00):
my personal favorite saying is

(00:01):
where you point your fingers,where you send your power.
And so if you're pointing yourfinger elsewhere, it's the
employees, it's Taxes.
It's the insurance companies.
It's so difficult to do X, Y,and Z.
Like those are all legitimatefrustrations and concerns and
challenges.
It's just that once you acceptthe responsibility of saying,
all right, what can I do aboutthis?
Then you start making forwardprogress.

HypeMiC & FaceTime HD Camer (00:26):
You ever had a goal or wanted to
achieve something in life thatjust felt out of reach and no
matter how hard you tried, youjust couldn't seem to get that
thing?
There may have even beenexamples of people around you
who were doing the thing thatyou wanted to do, yet it just
felt almost impossible toachieve.
Well, according to experts likeDr.
Joe Dispenza and Dr.
Bruce Lipton, 90 to 95 percentof our lives are dictated by our

(00:51):
unconscious mind.
So considering that theunconscious mind plays such a
huge role in how we experiencelife, it's probably safe to say
that knowing a little bit abouthow it works can be very
valuable.
And that is what we're going tobe diving into today.
What is up?
Welcome to another episode ofthe Complete Retreat Podcast,
where we talk to retreatcreators and industry experts

(01:12):
about what it takes to build athriving retreat business.
Today, my guest is none otherthan T.
J.
Frye, who is a Mindset Coach andTransformation Facilitator.
TJ has a wealth of knowledgeabout human behavior, the
unconscious mind, the consciousmind, and how all of those
things work together to createour experience of life.
and in this episode, we divedeep into how the unconscious

(01:34):
mind works, how it interactswith the conscious mind, and how
that informs our experience oflife.
We also talk about limitingbeliefs, how they're formed, and
towards the end, TJ gives acouple of really powerful
practices that can really helpto identify limiting beliefs and
unwind them and start to makechanges in your life.

(01:55):
TJ is also a guest speaker atseveral different events.
So he shares some practical tipsthat event organizers and
retreat creators can use to helpgive their clients value before
they even show up to theretreat.
This is a great episode.
You're going to want to makesure to stick around all the way
to the end.
So let's just get into it.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (02:16):
T.
J.
My man, what's going on?
It's good to have you on thepodcast.
It's been a while since we'veconnected and spoken, and I've
really been looking forward tohaving this conversation with
you because I know the amount ofinformation and knowledge and
value you bring to your clientsand to the world in general.
Um, Yeah, really looking forwardto getting into this

(02:36):
conversation, and I'd like tostart off with a question that's
that's basically, what are youexcited about?
What are you really lookingforward to in the new year?
2025 is coming up soon, so I'dlove to, to start off with that
and know where you're at rightnow and what's got you excited?

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (02:55):
Yeah.
Well, you and my brother, thankyou for having me, man.
I'm really happy to be here.
As far as what I'm excited forin 2025 what I've been focusing
on the past about two years nowand going through some of the
training with you on NLP orneuro linguistic programming for
folks who don't know what thatis.
I work with clients to basicallyhelp them understand how people

(03:16):
think.
So it's not about what peopleare thinking.
It's about how the neurologicalprocesses take place.
That effectively focuses on whatI call the filter system.
Meaning an external event takesplace.
It comes through our fivesenses, visual, auditory,
kinesthetic, olfactory, andgustatory.
And then we process it throughthings like our beliefs, our
values, decisions, whether theybe limiting or whatnot.

(03:37):
And there's a whole litany ofthese different filters that I
call them that we process thisinformation through that then
affects our physiology and ouremotional state, which are
directly connected to oneanother.
And that, of course, affects ouractions and behavior.
So being able to swap out thosefilters, so to speak, such that
you can effectively change theresults and the actions that

(03:58):
you're taking, and therefore theresults that you're getting.
And I do that utilizing theunconscious mind.
So what I'm excited for is.
Having the ability to work withsome more clients and help
people understand what theirunconscious minds are, what they
do, and then how to work withthem.
Cause it's not about control.
It's about working in unisonwith our conscious minds and

(04:18):
building that rapport betweenthe two.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (04:20):
And I know over the last year, you've
been guest speaking at a seriesof retreats and masterminds.
So I'm curious, as we getstarted, how that experience has
been like for you and the kindof feedback that you've gotten
in incorporating the the mentaltraining that you will and the
mental exercises and theprocesses that you impart on

(04:43):
people.
How has that been received inthe, in the setting of a retreat
and a mastermind?

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_102356 (04:48):
It's the reception has been
phenomenal.
It's actually one of the reasonswhy I'm so passionate about
doing this work is the responsesthat I get from people about,
like, things like, man, I neverheard this before.
This makes so much sense.
I'm, my marriage is better.
My relationship with myemployees are better.
Like my making more money in mybusiness, I feel better about

(05:09):
myself.
I finally feel worthy, whateverit may be.
They're oftentimes veryfundamental transformational
shifts for people.
And so when I do these keynotespeeches and speak at these
events with with a lot ofpeople, generally the audience
is full of a lot Entrepreneursand people who have an
entrepreneurial mindset who maynot have their own business yet.

(05:29):
But that's something that theywant to do.
And so generally it's people whoare primarily, they're people
who are willing to takeresponsibility for their own lot
in life.
And so they're willing to acceptresponsibility rather than being
victims, which I submit isactually a major problem with
our culture and our societyright now, being that.
There's always something we canblame our problems on.

(05:50):
And that manifests in a litanyof ways, one of which is like I
constantly hear like, Oh, Idon't have time.
I don't have money.
It's really hard to findemployees.
I'm sure that anybody who's anentrepreneur right now
understands how difficult it canbe to find good, reliable
employees.
Not that it's impossible causeit is, it's just very
challenging.
And so those are, they're veryreal challenges.

(06:11):
Yeah.
But the victim mindset is like,well, I can't do it.
And so it's a decision somebodymakes and to be able to help
folks grasp onto where thatcomes from internally for them
or unconsciously.
is really important because thenthey can grasp where it's coming
from and they can begin toaddress it.
Because even though hisentrepreneurs were up against an

(06:32):
awful lot of similar challengesacross whatever industry it may
be, the fundamental shift for meis empowerment, meaning that
once you, my personal favoritesaying is where you point your
fingers, where you send yourpower.
And so if you're pointing yourfinger elsewhere, it's the
employees, it's Taxes.
It's the insurance companies.
It's so difficult to do X, Y,and Z.

(06:53):
Like those are all legitimatefrustrations and concerns and
challenges.
It's just that once you acceptthe responsibility of saying,
all right, what can I do aboutthis?
Then you start making forwardprogress.
And I have found thatentrepreneurs generally have
that mindset already.
Meaning that they're willing toaccept the responsibility
regardless of how difficult itmay be.
And so once that state has beenreached then people really just

(07:17):
explode from there and reallyjust launch.
So that's been really fun.
The reaction has been phenomenaland that makes me feel like I'm
doing something positive, so Ilove that.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (07:25):
So when it comes to entrepreneurials and
people of an entrepreneurialmindset, you've been working
with a lot of people.
So what are some patterns andreoccurring themes that you're
seeing with within that group.

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (07:39):
Yeah.
So, the biggest one bar none iswe talked about it a little bit
before we started recording,which was imposter syndrome.
And imposter syndrome.
I personally, I think it's areally important thing for
people to be aware of, right?
A lot of entrepreneurialentrepreneurs have that.
And it's a very common thing.
And I would actually suggest tofolks, I'd submit, what if

(08:01):
that's actually the presentingproblem and in the therapy and
counseling world, we believethat the presenting problem is
never the problem.
And what I mean by that is thatif you have a symptom, which is,
the imposter syndrome, yes,that's, yes.
Keep it's manifesting in a lotof different ways, whether
that's like for myself in thepast, I had trouble submitting

(08:21):
invoices, collecting oninvoices.
If that's, you know, strugglesfor people like, Oh, I have to
accept every single client thatcomes through the door.
Cause I'm afraid of losing outon business or losing out on the
revenue or whatever it is.
It manifests in all kinds ofdifferent ways.
Procrastination is another bigone.
But generally these symptoms,including imposter syndrome,

(08:42):
seem to, for a lot of people, Isubscribe to the 80, 20
principles.
So for the majority of people,it seems to break down
consistently to a lower theme ofwhat I call a unconscious
bedrock, if you will the lowerpresent, or the lower actual
issue is a lack of self worthI'm not good enough.

(09:05):
I'm not worthy.
I can't do anything right.
Something like that.
That's a generally a beliefthat's held at a very deep and
very unconscious level.
And so those things seem to bepretty consistent across the
entrepreneur space.
And I think in truth, I wouldsay I don't like the words
always and never.
And at the same time, I usealways because I think Everyone

(09:28):
has that to some degree, and itcan manifest in a litany of
different ways.
It's just, it's fascinating tome to see how consistent that's
been.
So usually that's a low hangingfruit that we can tackle pretty
quickly and have some prettysignificant results.

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ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (10:42):
So when it comes to a limiting belief,
like I'm not worthy, I'm notgood enough, one of the core
issues that, that leads to thesymptom of something like
procrastination or that, thatfeeling like you're, you don't
want to be out and out in publicand you can't show your face or
you're not good enough, that,that manifests in different ways

(11:03):
in our lives.
But that core issue, that corewound, or that core limiting
belief, how are those limitingbeliefs put in place?
I feel like as a baby, for themost part, we are a blank slate.
And at some point in our lives,we realize, like, we start to
take on a personality and westart to adopt the, our parents

(11:24):
beliefs and different patternsthat we pick up from people
around us and in ourenvironment.
So how exactly are thoselimiting beliefs embedded in us
and how do they become part ofour unconscious?

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (11:38):
Well, so the most difficult and most
accurate answer here is that itdepends for every person, we all
have different neurology and weall have different lived
experiences, which means thatthere's effectively an infinite
number of answers to thatquestion, right?
For 1 person, it might be 1thing.
And for another person, it'stotally different.
And ultimately, the underlyingbelief of I'm not good enough,
or I'm not worthy is presented 1way or another.

(11:59):
And so.
My job is to ask questions tohelp people ascertain what it is
that caused those things tobecome present for them.
Now, to be clear, the beliefthat I'm not good enough or that
I'm not worthy.
Is at one point it was adecision.
All beliefs were once decisions,but not all decisions become

(12:21):
beliefs.
So if you think about a beliefthat's, largely universally
held, right?
Like the sun is going to risetomorrow at some point when you
learned, maybe as a young child,how the solar system works and
how the earth rotates and thesun, we revolve around the sun
and like how that works.
You made a decision.
Consciously or unconsciouslythat said, okay, the sun is
going to rise tomorrow.

(12:42):
No matter what happens.
Well, that was a decision.
And then over time, as yousatisfied your evidence
procedure, that this decision iscorrect, that becomes a belief.
And so that happens with allbeliefs.
So largely something in myopinion, what usually happens is
someone will have an experiencein life that for whatever reason

(13:03):
challenges their unconsciousmind.
And maybe puts them in anuncomfortable or unsafe or
unprotected state and they, theyfeel vulnerable and they have
these emotions that associatewith with danger.
And so the unconscious mindmakes a decision that well, I'm
just not good enough to do thisand then that satisfies or the

(13:26):
evidence.
Over time satisfies thatdecision such that it becomes a
belief.
And in truth, it's, it can bereally frustrating because when
we look at it from that level,which is a very, like we're
scratching the surface here.
And when we look at it from thatlevel, effectively, what's
happening is people can getfrustrated because they know
they're like, well, I'm just notgood enough, right?
Well, why can't I do the thingsthat I know I need to do?

(13:50):
How come I'm.
Not doing X, Y and Z that I knowis going to increase my bottom
line and help my business orhelp my clients in a better way.
So those things all present.
But again, those are thosepresenting problems.
And so digging down, finding outthat, oh, it really is because I
actually feel like I'm unworthyor that I'm not good enough.
Once we identify that, then wecan ask our unconscious minds.

(14:11):
Okay, what caused this?
Where did it come from?
So, why would we want to dothis?
I mean, the long and short ofit, Ian, is that, as you know,
it's really important tounderstand what our unconscious
mind is and how it functionssuch that we can make changes
that are effective for us.
So we need to understand thatour unconscious mind, everybody
here, everybody listening tothis I would submit that

(14:35):
everyone has an unconsciousmind.
So first of all, why do we wantto understand it?
Well, we want to understand itso that we can take control to a
certain degree and begin to workwith it such that we can change
our outcomes in a positivemanner and potentially be able
to change some of our underlyingneurology from earlier in life.
That was every single time it'sput there, a belief or a

(14:57):
decision or value or whateverhave you, it's put there.
Put there is installed for apositive purpose.
Our unconscious mind largelywants to keep us comfortable and
keep us safe, which from like alizard brain caveman type
evolutionary standpoint wasgood.
Right?
Because we didn't want to be anoutcast.
We didn't want to be ostracized.

(15:18):
We wanted to be safe, be part ofthe group and make sure, and
that basically perpetuated oursurvival.
So all of these things, once weacknowledge that our unconscious
mind made the decision that wewere not good enough for our own
protection, for our own benefit,for our own safety, whatever it
may be for you, then we canactually begin to have the love

(15:39):
and have the respect and honorthat decision because it was
made for our benefit.
So instead of being frustrated,we can actually reframe it such
that we can start to understand,okay, this was a decision that
was made to protect me.
And then we can literally beginbreaking the walls down of what
the unconscious mind is suchthat we can actually make the

(16:00):
change.
That's beneficial to uh, toachieve the outcome that is
desired.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (16:04):
when you say unconscious mind, so
that that presupposes adifference between the
unconscious mind and theconscious mind as if they're two
separate things.
How would you define each ofthose aspects of self and how.
Are they interrelated and how dothey connect and work together?

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_102356 (16:23):
So the really short version is that
one of the beliefs that I holdis that our Conscious and
unconscious minds are different.
When we're born they're fullyintegrated, right?
I've got a little one year oldgirl and watching her, she
doesn't speak English yet, soshe can't think in language at
this point.
I'm fascinated by the idea of,well, how is she thinking, how

(16:44):
is she processing?
Well, right now it's inemotions.
And so, she's integrated withthe conscious and unconscious
minds.
And over time, as we grow, webegin to dissociate or
dissociate.
disintegrate, rather we ourconscious and unconsc grow apart
and that gap between the two web called a critical barrier and

(17:04):
to understand what they arewe'll break down the conscious
mind first.
So the conscious mind ourfrontal lobe, like physically in
our brain it's the front part ofour brain of our its largely
what sets us apart from theanimal kingdom As human beings.
And so what happens in theconscious mind, right?
This is our egoic mind.
And I don't mean ego and like anarrogant sense.
I mean, ego in the sense of thisis where I T.
J.

(17:24):
reside.
Like, when I think about myselfor when you think about
yourself, that takes place inthe frontal cortex in the
frontal lobe.
And so what's happening here isthis is where it's happening.
Logic, ration, rationale, right?
And and our ego excels.
This is where we reside.
This is how we think aboutthings.
So critical thinking, right?
Taking information, logicallythinking about things that all

(17:46):
takes place in the frontal lobe.
Here's the unconscious minddistinction is that the
unconscious mind I would submitis.
Drastically more powerful.
I like to think about it as themind in itself as a glacier.
We've all seen those images of aglacier and the underwater
portion of it being massivelylarger.
So like a 90 to 10% split.
Well, the 10% above the waterthat we see from above the

(18:09):
surface, that would be ourconscious mind, and while it is
incredibly powerful.
All the things that take placeunder the surface is the
unconscious mind.
So another way for likeentrepreneurials or tech type
people I think about it like anoperating system being the
unconscious mind, whereas an appwould be the conscious mind.
So the conscious mind, you canfocus very precisely, an app

(18:30):
that you open for traveling on aplane, right?
It does this one thingspecifically very well.
And you can switch to adifferent app.
You can focus on something else.
You could focus on your bankinginfo or a social media app or
whatever it is.
And you can do that one thing ata time with a great deal of
efficacy.
Simultaneously, the operatingsystem or our unconscious mind

(18:51):
is always running in thebackground.
And in truth, what ends uphappening every time we update
our phones and we see thatthere's a new operating system.
Well, the apps have to beupdated and they have to change
to work with that new system.
So the unconscious mind, well,let's understand a little bit of
what it is, right?
Well, number one there's a fewprimary directives, if you will,

(19:11):
of the unconscious mind.
Number one is to keep us safeand keep us alive, right?
We evolved whether you believein creationism or creationism or
evolution which I believe inboth, I don't think they're
mutually exclusive.
Those things.
Have to take place regardless.
So for example, like as we'resitting here, I'm not thinking
about, okay, I have to breathein, I have to breathe out, I

(19:33):
have to breathe in, I have tobreathe out, that'd be
exhausting, but that's takingplace automatically.
Same thing with digesting food,with my heart beating, if I get
a paper cut, I'm not sittingthere going, heal, come on,
heal.
Like I ha it just happensautomatically.
And yet something neurologicallyhas to control these processes.
And I submit that's theunconscious mind.

(19:54):
So the unconscious mind has amap of the body in its current
shape, and it has an idea ofwhat the perfect health for the
body could be.
So it takes care of all of ourautomated systems, if you will,
and that's an incrediblypowerful thing.
It also controls all of ourbeliefs, right?
So if you learn something, if Iask you what your name is, you

(20:14):
don't have to think about whatyour name is.
It's something that you'velearned, right?
How many degrees are in a 90degree angle, right?
And everybody here would say,Oh, well, 90 degrees.
Okay, well, at some point youlearned that and you're not
holding onto that consciouslyall the time, every day.
And so recalling thatinformation, it's learned and
it's installed at theunconscious level, meaning that

(20:36):
anything you've learned,anything that you remember,
including memories, experiences,information that you've retained
is all stored unconsciously.
And then it's the job of yourconscious mind.
Okay.
To recall that information uponcommand, and it's therefore the
job of the unconscious topresent it to you.
And so for processing or forutilization consciously and so
effectively, the unconsciousmind is incredibly powerful, and

(20:59):
it's something that having adeeper understanding of can give
us the ability to then affectwhat I call that filter system.
And we can begin to understandsome of those filters.
So, for example Your unconsciousmind is where you store things
like values or your morality,right?
And when I say morality, I don'tmean social morality, like right
and wrong and those type ofthings.
It's morality unconsciously iscrucially the morality that you

(21:24):
were taught.
and accepted.
So if you accepted, if you weretaught as a young child that
stealing is wrong, well, that'sprobably a good thing.
I think we'd agree.
And at the same time that wasinstalled unconsciously.
So now that belief or thatdecision is within you
unconsciously and that Is one ofthe filters that you will

(21:46):
process the world through.
So if, somebody, like, I'veworked with some clients who had
some very rough upbringings andhad more of a perspective of
survival.
And so doing things that maybesome folks would consider
unethical or stealing or.
Questionable behaviors can seemtotally acceptable because they

(22:06):
have the belief that survival ismore important than honesty,
let's say.
I'm not commenting on whetherthat's right or wrong.
It's just an understanding ofwhat may be taking place
neurologically for that person.
So understanding that thesebeliefs and these values, right?
Like if you were again, if youwere taught and accepted that
loyalty is a good value that'ssomething that's going to affect

(22:28):
the decisions that you make inany context of your life.
So something that happens toyou're going to filter it
through the value of loyalty andthrough the belief that honesty
and honesty is good and stealingis wrong.
You will filter it through allof those filters, and that will
affect the decision that youmake in whatever the context may
be.
So the real goal here is tounderstand the unconscious mind

(22:50):
is incredibly powerful and itgets programmed.
Sometimes with intention andsometimes completely
unintentionally.
So I'll give an example.
There was a case of a not one ofmy clients, but there was a case
of somebody that I know whoworked with a woman that she
had, she'd been very successfulas an entrepreneur.
She was, seven, eight figures ayear and just for some reason

(23:10):
could not hold onto money.
And that was what she wanted towork on.
She's like, I make plenty ofmoney, but I always spend it.
And I think, I imagine there'sprobably some people listening
right now that have been in thatscenario.
And so what she was able toascertain with some coaching and
some question asking and somedigging was that when she was.
A young girl, I think five yearsold, something like that.

(23:32):
She got a birthday card from hergrandmother and this lady was,
65, 70 years old or somethinglike that.
So this was years ago, decadesago, and her grandmother had
given her 5 for her birthday andthe birthday card.
And 60 years ago, that was areally big deal.
And so even as a kid now, it'slike, Oh my God, I have all the
money in the world.
So she basically was excitedbecause she had this 5 bill that

(23:54):
she could do whatever she wantedwith.
And now her parents wanted toinstill in her a value of
giving.
And so what her parents said,well, oh honey, that's so great.
But you know, good people.
Will give away the things thatthey don't require and the
things that they don't need totake care of other people.
And so they're trying to teachher a good lesson, but the way

(24:16):
that she internalized this wasthat to be a good person, she
had to give away her resources.
She had to give away her money.
And so her parents obviouslydidn't intend for that to
happen.
But the way that manifestedlater in life was the decision.
And then the correspondingbelief after the fact came that
to be a good person, you had togive resources away.

(24:37):
And so this manifested in, shehelped a bunch of other people
start their businesses.
She would invest in things thatshe maybe didn't necessarily
believe in but believed in theperson.
And so she didn't really want tohang on to money.
She would always find somethingto do with it that she felt was
beneficial.
And so therefore we, they wereable to identify.
That this belief is truly whatwas running her lack of ability

(24:57):
to hang on to that, to thosefinances.
And so I love that becauseidentifying that and then
shifting that filter first ofall thanking your unconscious
mind Like literally saying toyourself.
Thank you unconscious mind.
I understand that you did thiswas installed to protect me And
it's a very, it's a beautifulthing.
Simultaneously, it's no longerserving us and we would be even

(25:19):
more able to help and be able tobe a good person while retaining
resources.
And so making that shift wasable to radically alter her
ability to hang onto resources,and then of course, spend them
in a very positive manner inother avenues and other
directions.
So that's one example of howimportant it can be and how
effective that can be.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (25:38):
I think what you spoke to has also been
demonstrated by people like Dr.
Joe Dispenza and other people inthat field who are proponents of
working with the unconsciousmind.
Dispenza has this His ownpersonal story of how he almost
miraculously healed his bodythrough visualization and just

(25:59):
really digging in and gettingreally deep in the unconscious
mind.
Because, as you said, theunconscious mind is what, What
moves the body and whatregulates the automatic aspects
of our body like healing andbreathing and different parts of
the autonomic nervous system.
is another person who comes tomind who is really a proponent

(26:20):
of the understanding that themajority of our behaviors are
driven by our unconsciousbeliefs.
And, we're not thinking aboutall the little things that we're
doing to that are leading to theresults that we're getting our
in our lives or lack thereof,but we're doing them anyway and
on repeat and.
Those are the first two peoplethat I think of when we start to

(26:43):
have conversations about theunconscious mind.
If anybody wants to learn moreor, dive deeper into this, Joe
Dispenza and Bruce Lipton areincredible resources and sources
of inspiration, and they've gota ton of case studies and
evidence to back up the thingsthat TJ is talking about.

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (27:03):
Let's uh, if it's okay, let's do this.
I want to discuss maybe a littlebit what the unconscious mind
is.
And so, so it is, it has primedirectives, right?
We know that it's there for likeevolutionarily, we know that our
unconscious mind is there toprotect us and to keep us alive,
which is therefore why wegravitate towards things that
are comfortable and why we avoidthings that are uncomfortable or

(27:25):
unknown.
So going into something you'venever done before is always.
Significantly less comfortablethan staying in something that
is comfortable.
And a big reason for this isbecause no matter how
detrimental the behavior mightbe, if we're still here and
we're still alive,unconsciously, we know that this
behavior has kept us alive tothis point, and therefore it's

(27:46):
basically trying to protect us.
So if we understand that theunconscious mind is there for
our protection, we alsounderstand that it has a number
of other prime directives.
Number one, it stores memories.
Right?
Again, we're not consciouslywalking around thinking about
all the experiences and memorieswe've had.
Those are stored unconsciously.
It organizes those memories.
Generally, it does so throughthrough time.

(28:07):
Sometimes it can do it based onemotion, but it stores those
memories as well.
We also know that it's theexclusive domain of emotion.
Now, how do we know this?
Because some of these are prettybig statements, which I feel
generally are common sense andusually resonate with people.
But when there's scientificevidence to back it up, I think
it's even more valuable.
So Yeah.
Yeah.
The unconscious mind is theexclusive domain of emotions.

(28:27):
How do we know this?
Well, with an EEG.
Which is a test that basicallyputs a bunch of electrode
sensors on the head and then canelectrically measure where
activities taking place withinthe brain.
When you ask someone to solve amath problem, or to think about
something consciously, like,rationally, like, like, explain
how this happens, whether it's ascientific process or whatever.

(28:48):
When you're doing thingsconsciously in the frontal lobe,
we can see on that E.
G.
Test.
We can see that in the frontallobe, everything lights up and
we get all kinds of neurologicalactivity, neurons firing and
just going crazy.
But when you ask somebodysomething about like, can you
think about what it feels liketo be loved?
Can you think about the lasttime you were angry?

(29:10):
Can you think about, the lasttime that you felt powerful or
that you felt unstoppable?
These emotions take place indifferent portions of the brain.
Oftentimes it's in thehippocampus and some of the the
other areas in the rear part ofthe head.
And so we can actually see onthat test, on those screens
where those things take place.
And so we know that emotions andcritical thinking take place in

(29:33):
different portions of the brain.
So I submit that the unconsciousmind.
Is the exclusive domain ofemotions because I've never had
to think consciously aboutloving my daughter or about
loving my wife, right?
I don't have to think about, Idon't think when someone cuts me
off in traffic and I getfrustrated about it, I don't
think, man, I should be angryabout this.

(29:54):
I just feel it.
So we know that the unconsciousmind controls our emotions, and
that's the only place that theytake place.
It also represses memories withunresolved negative emotion.
The unconscious mind may keepthose experiences or memories
repressed until such a time itfeels they can be resolved,
which is why sometimes whenyou're doing really well in life

(30:15):
and something's going well foryou, whether you're making more
money or your business, you hada win at home and your business
is doing well, you had a win athome with the family, what have
you.
Some weird thought might come ofyou.
Where did that come from?
Well, maybe it's because you'rein a positive place and your
unconscious mind goes, Okay,you're in a position to be able
to resolve this repressed memorythat you haven't thought about
in years.

(30:36):
So it can present it to you whenit feels that it's, you're in a
position to be able to resolvethose negative emotions or
repressed memories.
Again, we talked about it runsthe body, right?
So we know that unconsciouslycontrols all the functions of
our body automatically.
Can you think about breathingconsciously?
Absolutely.
And that's super, superimportant when you're doing
things like meditation or breathwork.
But in truthfully, like you seesome of these the Buddhist monks

(30:58):
who like back during the Vietnamwar were able to literally light
themselves on fire and sit.
Perfectly still until there wasnothing left.
I mean, it's tragic and sad tothink about.
And simultaneously, I find itincredible that these
individuals were able to havesuch conscious and unconscious
control over their minds andover their bodies.

(31:19):
That demonstrates how powerfulthe unconscious mind can really
be.
We know it preserves the body.
It does what it can to protectus.
Right?
So it's a highly moral being.
And again, the moral morality,excuse me, being.
The morality that you accepted,not necessarily what's
culturally agreed on to bemoral.
It enjoys serving, right?
So I like to think about theunconscious mind is like a dog,

(31:43):
right?
Or a very young child.
It wants to please you.
It wants to do things well, suchthat your life is a better
place, a better, safer place foryour prosperity.
However, it needs clearinstructions to follow.
You can't say, you can't ask itsomething vague.
You have to be very precise withwhat it, what you desire from
it.
We know that it controls andmaintains perception.

(32:05):
So, some people may have heardthe term perception is
projection, meaning that toperceive something, we have to
have that present within us.
We don't know what we don'tknow.
So what that means is if you'rehaving a conversation with a
client and you have a feelingabout this client, like, man,
this person might be dishonest.

(32:27):
Well, you have to know whatbeing dishonest is.
Therefore you have to becapable, not that you are, but
you have to be capable of beingdishonest to perceive somebody's
dishonesty.
If you never learned what lyingwas, I forget what that movie
was in the early two thousandswere like, nobody could lie.
But if you've never known what alie is, you wouldn't have any

(32:47):
idea that someone could be lyingto you.
So again, the perception isprojection is just a way to say
that, If you perceive somethingfrom someone else, you have to
have that present within youalready.
So being aware of that andgoing, Oh man, this, okay, this
bothers me.
Well, I know it bothers mebecause it's in me already.
Those are all controlled by theunconscious as well.
It maintains instincts andgenerates habits.

(33:09):
Habits are fascinating.
There's a wonderful book.
Charles, Dr.
Charles Duhigg wrote which is,Oh, gosh, I'm blanking on the
title.
The Power of Habit by CharlesDuhigg.
And he discusses there's a lotof folks have heard the story of
10 Second Tom, the guy that hada brain injury to his frontal
cortex and wasn't able toremember things, new information
beyond about 10 seconds.

(33:30):
So he'd continually introducehimself to people.
Hey, I'm Tom.
Like have a little conversationand be like, Oh, Hey, nice to
meet you.
I'm Tom.
That.
What's amazing about his storyis that even though he had this
inability to create newmemories, the habits that he had
were still deeply installed atthe unconscious level.
So, for example, he was stillable every day to go, even

(33:52):
though he couldn't remember,anything new.
He was still able to go to thekitchen and to reach up into the
cabinet, grab the peanut butter,jelly and bread and make himself
a sandwich every single daybecause it was the habit that he
had done for years.
One day he walks out of hishouse and disappears and his
wife at the time, of course, isterrified because where did he
go?
And he's never gonna find hisway home.

(34:13):
And like two hours later, afterthe police have been looking for
him, he just strolls right backin the front door.
Because, well, it turns out forseveral years, for like 20 years
or whatever, he'd walked thissame pathway around his
neighborhood, and so,consciously, he couldn't do
that, but because it was a habitthat he had installed
unconsciously, he was able tojust go out and then found his
way home perfectly.

(34:33):
So, again, just demonstrationthat the difference between the
conscious and unconscious mindis pretty profound.
It's important that we remindfolks that to install a habit,
we need to have repetition.
And there's a lot of differentdata on this.
Some people say it's two weeks.
I've heard other things like 60to 70 times for a habit to be
installed.
I don't really subscribe to anyspecific number because I think

(34:54):
it depends on the habitspecifically.
That's like the more in, themore detailed the habit, the
more repetition is required.
The point is the more often andregularly you do something, The
more habitual it becomes, andthe stronger it gets installed
at that unconscious level.
One of the things that I thinkmakes us human beings is that
the unconscious mind isprogrammed to always seek more.

(35:16):
The unconscious is alwaysprogrammed to seek more.
And what that means is, so fromthe sake of, or from the
perspective of likeentrepreneurialism, where we
hear about these millionairesand billionaires and, and the
greed thing of humanity, like,Largely, I attribute that to the
unconscious mind, meaning that,okay, well, we as the plebeians
of the world, right, we mightthink that, oh, if you're making

(35:38):
a million dollars a year, abillion dollars a year that's
what more could you possiblyneed?
And sure, there's a lot of truthto that.
Simultaneously, that person'sunconscious mind is still
Programmed to search for more.
And so it's not necessarily anevil thing.
It's not good or bad.
It's just that our unconsciousalways looks for more, whether
that be resources or love oranything, right.

(36:00):
We're always looking for more.
We do know that like, again, Ireferenced my daughter, right.
Our unconscious and consciousminds work best when they're a
whole integrated unit, meaningthat they can bounce ideas off
one another and work togetherversus trying to work against
each other, which is largelywhat our society does.
As human beings, when wedisintegrate our conscious and
unconscious minds it issymbolic, which is why I pay

(36:22):
very close attention to themusic.
I listen to the movies.
I watch any TV shows, the thingsthat I read because we are
receiving symbolism constantly,whether or not we recognize it
consciously.
And then It takes everythingpersonally, which again is the
basis of perception isprojection.
It works on the principle ofleast effort, meaning like just
like water or electricity,always find the path of least

(36:44):
resistance.
So does your unconscious mind.
And then crucially, this is myfavorite one, which is that the
unconscious mind cannot processa negative.
The unconscious mind cannotprocess a negative.
What do I mean by that?
Well, what I'm here to suggestis that when somebody says the
same thing, two different ways,one way is significantly more

(37:06):
powerful.
If you say I'm tired of beingbroke, that is significantly
less powerful than saying I wantto be wealthy.
So it's not because necessarilyyour goal is any different, but
what's taking placeneurologically is that when you
say, I don't want to be broke,what your unconscious mind is,
it doesn't hear the don't, itjust hears broke.

(37:29):
And so it focuses on the lack,it focuses on the negative
thing.
So if you change that,Terminology.
If you change your verbiage tosay, I want to be wealthy.
I want to be rich.
I want to be fantasticallywealthy.
It doesn't matter, right?
Like, if you change it to whatyou desire, then that's what
your unconscious mind hears.
So that's what it will beginfocusing on.

(37:50):
Then this, of course, takesplace over time, right?
The more consistent you get withit, the more habitual it
becomes, the easier it is foryour unconscious mind to present
you examples that yes, this issomething that I desire.
And so that's why, like, when wehear things say it as if now,
right?
Like.
If you're out of shape and youwant to get in shape, say, I
love going to the gym.
I'm a gym rat.

(38:11):
I don't care if you're 350pounds.
If you say I'm a gym rat and youlove going to the gym and that's
your thing, that's far morepowerful than like, I don't want
to be fat anymore.
So again, doesn't process anegative, which means we just
want to be careful with how weverbalize things.
And the evidence for this isactually pretty simple.
So if I ask the audience, yeah,If I say something like, don't

(38:32):
think about a cheetah,immediately, everybody, even if
just for a split second, becauseI said the word cheetah,
somebody, everybody that listensto this is going to have an
image or going to have a feelingor a thought around a cheetah.
But what did I say?
I said, don't think about it.
So, of course, what I'm doing isif I say, think about an
elephant, then you're going tothink about an elephant.

(38:54):
But if I say, don't think aboutan elephant, you're still going
to think about an elephant.
So, again, it's just the ideathat.
The unconscious mind does notprocess negative.
So you want to be very carefulwith with what we do.
And so to take some of thatinformation and really just
summarize that the unconsciousmind controls so much more than
the conscious mind.
There was a study, I believe,from the University of

(39:15):
Pennsylvania that broke down howwe receive data.
Consciously and unconsciously.
And so the numbers I don'treally subscribe to, I think
they're less important than theidea here, but I'll reference
their specific numbers.
They said that through our fivesenses again, visual, auditory,
kinesthetic, olfactory, andgustatory.
So through our five senses, wetake in roughly five, excuse me,

(39:36):
11 million bits of informationper second.
Now, that's a fantastic amountof information.
Every second.
If each bit of data was atoothpick, we've got a dump
truck full of toothpicks everysecond that we process.
And so what's happening is, asI'm sitting here with you, I
know that behind me there arewindows with light coming in.

(39:56):
I know that the wall color iswhite.
I know that you've got abeautiful picture of an owl,
like owl eyes on the wall behindyou, right?
So there's all this data thatI'm receiving.
And this is just visually, ofcourse, yeah.
And yet I'm not consciouslyprocessing all of that.
It's just I get it to come in.
And then my mind, my unconsciousmind takes 126 bits of that

(40:20):
information every second andpresents it to my conscious mind
to process.
So from 11 million to 126,that's a phenomenal amount of
data that just gets thrown out.
And how do we do this?
Well, we do this through theprocesses of deletion.
distortion and generalization.
And so most of the informationthat comes in, if we've got a

(40:42):
dump truck full of toothpicksthat are the data.
We're basically getting rid ofall of them.
We're grabbing a handful ofinformation, a handful of
toothpicks and getting rid ofthe rest every second.
So we're deleting the vastmajority of it because it's not
relevant to the currentconversation or to the current
situation that we're in.
There's also distortion, meaningthat if you see something out of

(41:03):
the corner of your eyes, you'reon a hike.
And you think there's a greatstory of a guy who like saw a
snake and freaked out.
Turns out it was just a piece ofrope.
Well, he had a reaction to itbecause his unconscious mind
said that looks like a snake.
So it distorted thisinformation, even though it was
a rope, it distorted it to keephim safe.
And it told him it was a snake.

(41:25):
So it was doing its best toprotect him, distorting that
information.
And then, of course,generalization.
This is something that we alldo.
And I'm not talking about like,bigoted generalization, right?
I'm talking about in the senseof you take some information and
you say, okay, this looks likethis.
So I'm just going to generalizethat data and apply the same

(41:45):
rules to as something else thatI already am familiar with.
So our unconscious mind doesthat work.
Does the work of selecting those126 bits of information every
second out of a dump truck ofthem.
So the ability for theunconscious mind to process data
far outweighs our consciousability to process that data.
And so we I like to look at thisas the reticular activating

(42:09):
system.
And the reticular activatingsystem, or RAS, is that process
of deletion, distortion, andgeneralization.
So an example here is, for youraudience, When you bought a new
car, right?
Or your first car, whatever itis.
You probably all of a suddennoticed as you're driving it
around, you saw that same careverywhere else, right?

(42:31):
You started seeing it like, Ohthere's the Subaru or there's my
Ford or whatever it is.
You saw that more often.
Well, is it because all of asudden everyone else went and
bought that same car and there'ssuddenly more of them out on the
road?
Or is it just because it's animportant.
Important piece of data for youcurrently.
'cause you just went through theprocess of buying that vehicle
and now your unconscious mind issaying, Hey, this is important

(42:52):
data for you, so I'm going toshow you all of those vehicles
that are drawing, that aredriving around.
So it's showing you thosevehicles on the road more so
than it would have if you hadn'tthought about it.
Right.
So like the jeep wave, I'm ajeep guy.
I have a couple of jeeps.
So when I'm driving around, Isee jeeps and I wave.
But then what's funny is I'll bein like my work van or my truck
and I'll catch myself waving ata jeep even though I'm not in my

(43:15):
jeep because I'm used to doingthat.
So it's again, it's just yourunconscious mind's way of taking
that in that massive amount ofinformation coming in.
And deciding which informationto present to us to process
consciously.
So this is a crucial part ofwhat the unconscious mind does
for us every single day, whetherwe're aware of it or not.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (43:35):
Yeah, so that was a lot um, a very
thorough uh, explanation of theunconscious mind.
And I really appreciate that.
I think that helps to give somecontext to what we were talking
about, the, just the power ofthe unconscious mind and the
fact that.
The 90 percent of the icebergthat's underwater, like, there's
a lot going on behind the scenesthat we're not consciously aware

(43:58):
of that's, that is affecting theoutcomes in our lives and the
direction of our lives, ouractions, pretty much everything
in our lives is being in a largecapacity being directed by the
unconscious mind.
And I think that's reallyimportant for people to
understand.
And, you went through a lot ofdetail there in, in breaking

(44:19):
down all the different areasthat the unconscious mind is
potentially in control of and,taking care of for us.
And On one hand, it's importantthat all these processes are
being managed by some system,because consciously, yeah, we
wouldn't be able to function insociety as human beings as we

(44:40):
know it if we were having toconsciously manage all these
different aspects of self, likethe retrieval of memories or the
functions of our body that areautomatic or, the storage of
data, like all that stuff, it'sreally a blessing and a miracle
in a way that it's, that ithappens just almost on autopilot

(45:02):
and that allows us to to have tothink and to have, conscious
desires and to be able tonavigate our lives In a way,
that's, as you said, differentfrom the animal kingdom.
A lot of what jumping back tothat, all the things that you
talked about, I think thedifference between an animal and
a human is the difference inunconscious and conscious

(45:23):
behavior.
The animals, they may exhibitjust traces of conscious
behavior from time to time, butby and large, they are entirely
unconscious beings.
Not to say that there's notvalue in them or that they don't
have feelings or any of that,but it's just a different way of

(45:43):
interacting with the world andwith reality as a whole.
So that's, I really appreciateyour taking the time to go
through and give a reallydetailed explanation of that.
Because I believe justunderstanding that on a Even a
very surface level is reallypowerful and gives proof and is

(46:05):
a lot of really solid evidencefor the fact that, we are
largely unconscious beings andknowing that having that
understanding, as you alluded toin the very beginning, means
that, I am in control of myoutcome.
I may, I might not beconsciously aware that I am in
control of my outcome, or I maynot consciously remember the

(46:27):
thing that happened when I wasfour or five.
That's, that keeps leading meinto disastrous relationships or
that keeps leading me into thesituation of of overworking
until burnout.
but there is something inside ofme that is responsible for the
outcomes that I'm experiencingin my life, positive or

(46:47):
negative.
And when we start to have thatunderstanding and that
realization, like, I am incontrol for better or worse of
the things that are happening inmy life.
Only then, when you come to thatpoint and, make that decision
and make that agreement like I,I am responsible for my
circumstances, only then can youstart to do something about it.

(47:10):
And, and I'm, And I'm certainthat pretty much everybody
watching this, you can pinpointsome area in your life or
there's some reoccurringsituation or something, whether
it's a personal or, With yourbusiness, maybe you're not
getting the retreat bookingsthat you're looking for, or, you
know, you know, you've got anawesome product, but you're
just, you haven't been able toget on social media and get out

(47:32):
there and market yourself theway that you, that, you know,
that you should, or you shy awayfrom sales conversations because
there's a, something about moneymakes you uncomfortable.
Whatever the situation is, whenwe start to understand that.
Those things, whatever it is, aresult of unconscious belief
that we're harboring inside ofourselves.

(47:53):
Only then can we start to makechanges.
And I think that's, on one hand,it's, it can, it may feel
daunting and like, okay, what doI even begin?
And on the other hand, it's, Ithink there's a sense of
liberation when you start toreally embrace that and start
to.
start to lean into thesituations where, okay, I'm

(48:13):
feeling uncomfortable here andI'm wanting to pick up my phone
and I'm wanting to startscrolling or I'm wanting to
procrastinate or, I'm, I have anopportunity to get into a bunch
of, in front of a bunch ofpeople.
And that's, you know, that'sthat, that feeling of shrinking
away, like those things can cropup.
Well, yeah.
What do you do?
when you understand that it'sreally has nothing to do or very

(48:36):
little to do with the externalenvironment and really the
external environment, whateveris happening is triggering
something inside of you that'sbeen latent and is running like
a program that's running behindthe scenes.
When you start to shift your.
Your belief and your perspectiveon like on triggers and what's

(48:57):
going on inside of you asopposed to what's going on
outside of you.
Then you can start to changeyour behaviors, change your
patterns, make intentionallystart to reshape your beliefs
and reshape your habitualpatterns.
So I'm curious Some of thetechniques and I know you and I
know a lot of differenttechniques and they are, some of

(49:18):
them are more in depth thanothers.
Some of them are verypotentially intense.
But what are some basic stepsthat people can start to take in
their everyday lives from momentto moment when they feel like
they're ready to and want tomake changes how can someone use
their conscious mind to makechanges in their unconscious
mind such that it's, it allowsthem to have a different reality

(49:40):
and a different experience of

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (49:42):
yeah, absolutely.
So I've got two techniques thatI'd like to share.
The, these are the real simpleand simultaneously very
effective techniques that Ishare with pretty much all of my
clients.
It's something that, thathonestly anybody can do.
So the first one is real simple.
So.
We talked about the reticularactivating system and its role
in deciding which of the massiveamount of information coming in

(50:03):
is relevant to process.
So we can actually take controlof that reticular activating
system by specifically showingour unconscious mind what data
we desire to be presented with.
So what I have people do most ofthe time I do it with gratitude.
But there's also sometimesthere's people that are
entrepreneurs are already verygrateful and they don't feel

(50:24):
that's a value for them.
So you can apply this towhatever you want.
So maybe he's an entrepreneur.
You want to see moreopportunities.
You want to find moreopportunities to grow your
business or to meet people.
Whatever it may be, if you wantto increase something in your
life.
What you want to do is basicallyevery single day, jot down.
I like to do it in the evenings,but it really doesn't matter.

(50:45):
Give yourself someaccountability with a friend,
with a partner, with a businesspartner, husband, spouse, wife,
doesn't matter.
Point being every day, findthree examples of what it is
that you want to see more of.
So if it's gratitude.
Every day I want somebody towrite down three examples of
things that happened to themthat day that they're grateful

(51:06):
for and over the course of about2 to 3 weeks.
And of course, the more you doit, the more habitual becomes,
but about 2 to 3 weeks, thensuddenly you'll start noticing
throughout the course of theday, like, oh, I'm really
grateful for that thing thatjust happened instead of having
to think about it at the end ofthe day, because what you're
doing is at the end of the day,you're showing your unconscious
mind.
Okay, we're gonna relive thisday and find three or more

(51:28):
examples for things that I'mgrateful for.
right?
Whatever it is like, Oh, I had abeautiful moment with my wife.
She told me she's very gratefulfor me and that she appreciates
how hard I'm working for ourfamily.
Um, you know, I had a clientwrite me a letter and say, Thank
you.
We really appreciate you made ahuge impact in my life.
I had to get my truck servicedand they were able to squeeze
me.
And even though they're bookedout for months, whatever it is,

(51:50):
right?
But you take those threeexamples every day and you
really Write them down.
Crucially.
I'm not, I don't mean like in aphone app.
I mean, write them down on apiece of paper.
We do know scientificallythere's huge benefits to
physically writing somethingdown because you're combining
thought and physical activity.
So write them down every day.
If it's an opportunity, if youwant to see more opportunities

(52:11):
be presented to you.
So what you do is you write downthree opportunities that
presented themselves to you thatday.
And it can be minuscule.
You'd be like, Well, you knowwhat?
I had five extra minutes betweenmeetings.
So I had an opportunity to postsomething on instagram for my
clients, or I had an opportunityto send an email.
I wasn't planning on sendingright.
Those opportunities.

(52:31):
The more you present thosethings, the more consistently
you do that day to day.
The more your unconscious willgive you that data going forward
throughout the course of yourday.
So you see them as theopportunities they are, or so
you're grateful for them in themoment.
So again, picking the thing youwant to be conscious of
throughout the day, the datathat you want your unconscious

(52:52):
to show you in the moment, writeit down three of them or more
every single night.
And then throughout the courseof like two to three weeks,
you'll start seeing them moreand more.
cropping up to you.
That's your unconscious mindshowing you those things
intentionally.
So that's a way you canbasically put some bumpers up
like at a bowling alley, and youcan say, Hey, I want you to
guide me to this destination andit will eventually get you

(53:14):
there.
You may not get a strike everytime, but you're getting the
ball down the way.
So that's a real easy one.
Just write down three thingsthat you desire to see more of
write down three examples ofthem every evening after your
day's over.
And then the other one is realsimple.
This is what I call my foursteps to emotional bedrock so
there's four questions that Ireally like, and I know you're

(53:34):
familiar with these, so I'll gothrough them fairly quickly, but
I want to be precise aboutthese.
So there's a question that Ilove asking people.
It's one of my favoritequestions ever.
When you hear yourself or whenyou hear someone around you make
a statement, That demonstrates abelief that they hold.
The one that I always use is I'mbad at math.

(53:54):
Okay.
Ask yourself this question.
When did I decide that?
The reason that this question isso important and so powerful is
because.
It allows you first of all, itempowers you, right?
So it's not asking why justallows for a bunch of mental
masturbation and doesn't reallyput any bumpers up.
You can just go crazy and findyourself in the middle of

(54:16):
nowhere.
So why is a dangerous question?
Because maybe not dangerous, butit's a less effective question
to ask.
When did I decide that puts thepower in your court?
Because you're sayingunconsciously what you're
receiving is I made a decision.
Okay.
Which is true.
So you're asking yourself, whendid I decide that I was bad at
math and trust the answer thatcomes if you think about some,

(54:40):
in my case, for example, it waslike this class in third grade
where my teacher was like,you're so much smarter than
this.
Like you, you could, you, youreally could do better at this,
but I don't know if you're evergoing to be good at math.
And so I was like, well, I'mjust not good at math.
And that decision protected mefrom feeling guilty about not
doing good at math.
So it kept me safe, but it's nolonger serving me at this stage
of my life.

(55:01):
So when did I decide that?
Someone makes a statement aboutthemselves or you make a
statement about yourself, right?
So we, to, to hearken back alittle bit to our earlier
conversation, which was like,Oh, it's really hard to find
employees.
Well, I saw all the evidence andI interviewed a thousand people
to find two good ones.
And, it was a really like, Okay,fine.
But you still made the decisionthat it's hard to find people so

(55:24):
you can make a differentdecision.
So it's a non accusatorystatement, meaning that it
empowers you to make a differentdecision.
So that's the first question.
When did I decide that once youtrust the answer that comes
immediately?
The crucial point in thisprocess is to trust what pops up
like immediately.
You'll have just like thatcheetah popped up for just a
moment.
Whatever comes up immediately.

(55:45):
That's the answer you want totrust.
You don't need to think about itand resonate on it.
It's just what comes upimmediately, because that's how
the unconscious mind works.
The unconscious doesn't think itjust presents.
So the answer you get from that,you take that answer and you
say, okay, well, it was thirdgrade when Miss Ballentine told
me I was never going to be goodat math or whatever it was,

(56:05):
right?
Okay.
Well, what was the purpose?
The second question, what's thepurpose of this belief.
And then again, trusting whatcomes up immediately.
Well, it was for me, it wasprotection because it kept me
from feeling guilty.
It was to protect me from theguilt.
Okay.
So protection is the purpose.
Well, what's, here's the thirdquestion.

(56:26):
What's the higher intention ofprotection?
Well, the higher intention ofprotection, and maybe it's
safety, maybe it's survivalwhatever it is that pops up for
you.
And then of course, my personalfavorite, once you Dig down a
little bit and you find outwhat's going on underneath it.
When you get to a difficultpoint where you're not sure if
there's anything else underneathit, here's the question you want

(56:46):
to ask yourself.
What could I possibly believeabout myself such that I feel
that I need protection?
What could I possibly believeabout myself such that I need
safety?
Right?
The belief about yourself.
The answer that you get fromthat is generally when you're
going to have that big moment oflike, Oh my God.

(57:07):
And oftentimes in this scenario,it's going to be something along
the lines of, well, I believethat I'm not good enough or I
believe that I'm not worthy or Ibelieve that, whatever it is,
right?
So I had a client who reallystruggled with taking care of
herself.
She's a phenomenal mother andhusband.
She's really taking care of thepeople around her very well, and
she's sacrificed herself to doit.

(57:28):
And so when digging down, askingthese few questions, I You know,
she gets to this point and said,What could you possibly believe
about yourself such that youfeel you have to take care of
other people before yourself?
And she said, like throughtears, mind you, tears are a
really great indication thatyou're getting to good a good
place through tears.
She said, Well, that it's I'mjust not.

(57:50):
I'm not worthy of taking care ofmyself.
I'm not good enough.
And so that's when those thingsstart to come out and
identifying that is extremelyuncomfortable, especially if
you're doing it with anotherperson.
If you're doing it with yourselfand you're being honest,
especially if you're willing tolook yourself in the mirror as
you do it, when you findyourself darting away from your
own gaze, that means you'reuncomfortable.

(58:12):
And that's a good thing.
Because when you trust whatcomes up, if it's not worthy or
if it's that, I'm selfish or I'mlazy or whatever that thing that
comes up for you is, you knowthat to be true because you're
giving it to yourself.
So it's a gift.
And then what I like to suggestthat people do is say, thank
you, unconscious mind, likeliterally thank your unconscious

(58:35):
mind for giving you that answerbecause a, you know, it's true
because it came from you.
And you cannot lie to yourself,no matter how hard you try.
You can fool yourself.
You can try to believe otherthings, but deep in your
unconscious, you know, what'strue.
So when that truth comes up,accept it and say, thank you for
giving me that.
What lessons do I need to learnto be able to release that?
And that gives you theopportunity to not only identify

(58:57):
the symptom, but now you'vestarted at the symptom or the
presenting problem.
You've asked, when did I decidethat?
What's the higher purpose ofthis?
What's the higher intention ofthis and what could, or what
must I believe about myself suchthat.
I require protection.
I require safety, whatever itis.
You follow that strategy and youget down to a core belief or a
core value or something deepwithin you, a decision that

(59:20):
you've made about yourself.
And suddenly that gives you theopportunity to know yourself at
a far deeper level and you canbe honest with yourself.
And now you can start doing realwork.
So instead of wondering you.
Why do I not send invoices?
Why do I not collect oninvoices?
Why do I procrastinate?
I know what I need to do.
I worked with Ian.

(59:41):
He gave me a list of marketingthings to do, but I'm just not
fucking doing them.
And so if you have this suddenlyrealization, sudden realization
of like, Oh, this is why this isthe reason that I'm not doing
these things.
Then you can work on that thing.
And that will be profoundly moreimpactive than just saying,
okay, tomorrow, I'm going to doit tomorrow.

(01:00:02):
I start tomorrow, right?
Those four questions.
Once again, when did I decidethat?
What's the higher purpose ofthis?
What's the higher intention ofthat previous answer?
And then what could or what mustI believe about myself such that
I require this higher intention?
And so those questions bythemselves, along with doing
that daily gratitude oropportunity or whatever the

(01:00:24):
thing is you want to see more ofin your life.
Along with doing that, I findthose to be the simplest and yet
most effective methods todigging down to that bedrock and
really making progress.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (01:00:35):
Thank you for sharing that.
I think the one thing that'sreally impactful and important
to keep in mind, something thatyou touched on earlier, is that
the unconscious mind is, it onlyever works for our good.
It may not perceive, thesedecisions that, that maybe were
made when we were very young, orthese limiting beliefs that
we're, that we may be holding onto, or at one point in time,

(01:00:57):
those beliefs were installed orwe made that decision as a way
to, to protect ourselves or itwas the best option that we had.

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (01:01:05):
Yeah, absolutely.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (01:01:07):
think about our, upbringings and the
environments we were in, likehow many people as adults are in
the exact same environments wewere in as when we were
children.
So if you think back to them, ifyou go back to those situations
and take an honest look at thesituation and like what was
happening there.
Maybe it did make sense andmaybe it does on some level, you

(01:01:28):
can see how a limiting belieflike I'm not worthy or money
doesn't grow on trees or, if Istep out of line then I'm going
to be all alone or if I don'tjust go with the flow, whatever
it is, if you really putyourself back in those shoes and
have that understanding that,everything that happened was for
my, in that moment in the past,everything that happened had a
deeper purpose of protecting meor it was for my greatest good

(01:01:52):
in that situation.
The thing is, I'm stillmaintaining that belief 30, 40,
50 years later, and it no longerapplies to my current situation.
And in fact, That belief thatwas made way back when, that I'm
still believing in, that's stillinforming my actions, it's
actually now, it's holding meback.

(01:02:13):
Where at one point in time, itwas what I needed to survive and
to do the best that I could, butnow it's, it's actually
performing a different function.
It's holding me back ratherthan, than keeping

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_102356 (01:02:27):
on and it's having unintended
consequences, right?
And I completely agree with youin that.
Yes, it was.
It was there for a positivereason and understanding that
and accepting that makes it somuch easier to bring to
reintegrate the conscious andunconscious minds because you
begin to love the unconsciousmind.
It's no longer the frustrationwith why don't I do this?
It's having an understanding ofOh, this is what's going on.

(01:02:50):
Like, thank you.
And what if we made a change?
And crucially, I think forpeople that are, hosting events
or working with clients theseare things that you can, as you
do yourself and you become morefamiliar with, you can integrate
these with clients with events,right?
So a great one.
And this is something that agood friend of mine does in his
events now.
Oftentimes, if you're going tospend a bunch of money on going

(01:03:12):
to an event between travel andthe cost of the event and,
bookings and all those things,sometimes, we get buyer's
remorse.
That's a real thing.
And so if you're going to spend,let's say, I don't know, 10, 000
to go to an event that's a fewdays long, right?
Well, if you buy that six monthsbefore the event, you have six
months to ruminate on whether ornot that's a good decision.
So an easy thing to do is tosay.

(01:03:33):
All right.
You have some homework beforeyou get to the event.
So a month before you get to theevent, you can start doing this
gratitude practice every nightor, whatever it may be.
But have them do that reticularactivating system adjustment of
writing down three or morethings every evening.
And so you can preempt it.
They can start to see changesmuch more quickly before they
even get to an event and have asignificant shift before they

(01:03:56):
even arrive.
And then, of course, how thosequestions work, and at the same
time, ev So sometimes that orderi the way they need to go i do
it with yourself and w Peoplethat are willing to go deep and
be vulnerable and raw with you,you get comfortable with asking

(01:04:19):
those questions and when to askthem.
And so you can then do that atthe event with people.
And that can be reallyempowering, especially like when
I'm presenting, I love doingthat.
Someone will ask me a questionand they'll say something like,
well, I just, my industry isthis can't be done in my
industry.
And I'm like, okay, well, whendid you decide that?
And I'll pause my, Okay.

(01:04:39):
Presentation to spend time withthat individual and ask those
questions and dig down to thatdeeper level because it's very
quick.
You do in a matter of minutes.
And so you get that person downto a level and then everyone
else at the event gets towitness the effect that has and
therefore then provides anotherevidence or a piece of evidence
for their procedure of like, Oh,this is really powerful.

(01:05:01):
And so it can open up yourability to host an event where
people are significantly moreopen because if you give someone
evidence that what you're doingis valuable before they even
show up, you've alreadysatisfied a portion or maybe
even all of their evidenceprocedures so that they're
showing up with value alreadyascertained and achieved and
then they get to the event andthey're just like, let's do

(01:05:22):
this.
Let's go.
So we found that his eventssince he started doing that are,
he has even higher, greaterengagement from everybody at the
events and the people who showup seem to get even
significantly better results aswell.
So, that's just a tangible waythat you can include that for
someone who's doing an event.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (01:05:38):
That's super powerful.
And, so I've been reading a lotabout statistics around the
travel industry and wellness,tourism, retreat business.
And one of the things sinceCOVID that has really increased
is the, incorporation of andsuccess of mindfulness retreats
and people who are incorporatinga component of mindfulness

(01:06:01):
because since COVID, there'sbeen a tangible shift in the
understanding around mentalhealth.
I think people, there's a lot ofpeople teetering on the edge
before COVID hit.
And then when it did, a lot wasexposed culturally.
In regards to, the, justdifferent issues that people are

(01:06:23):
dealing with, whether it'sstress or anxiety and having
some of the understandings thatyou talked about, TJ or bringing
in somebody specifically likeyou to speak at an event and
address different aspects ofmindfulness and the unconscious
mind, helping give participantsa much more, A deeper and much

(01:06:44):
more nuanced understanding ofthis thing that we all is part
of our experience.
It's an intrinsic part of thehuman experience.
The interplay between theconscious and the unconscious
mind.
We all have an unconscious mindand it functions largely the
same way for everybody.
Yet so few people really have afunctional understanding of what

(01:07:05):
it's doing and why it's doing itand how to potentially start to
work with it in a way that'sgoing to benefit us or get us to
the results that we want inlife.
So incorporating, bringingsomebody like you in or, Like
you said, even beforehand,starting to plant seeds
preemptively so that when peopleget to the event there, they're

(01:07:26):
primed and they're ready andthat You can start to crack the
door open and most retreats aretransformational and you're
already breaking a person out oftheir comfort zone for the most
part.
And, it's a, it's fertile groundto, to be able to elicit a
really impactful change insomebody and being able to lead
with some of these practices andsome of the information that you

(01:07:47):
talked about.
And.
Just as practitioners having adeeper understanding of the
mechanisms and what it takes tobe able to get somebody to
change and like the underlyingstructures that are holding up
our, that are stored within ourunconscious mind but are holding
up our conscious life, likeknowing that aspect of the

(01:08:08):
psyche in a deep and functionalway can massively impact
increase the amount of changethat you're able to create with
your participants and reallydeliver an experience that's
going to have long lastingimpact.
And, along with that comesrepeat bookings, referrals, all
the good things.

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_10235 (01:08:28):
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
I mean, I think we've probablyall had a client at some point
who like, if let's say you run amarketing company and you give
them a strategy, like an X, Y,Z, do this, and then you'll have
good results and.
They're just not implementingit, right?
I think we've all had thatclient being able to understand
what the unconscious is and thatperson has an unconscious and

(01:08:48):
what might be present for them.
I'm not a mind reader, ofcourse, right?
But understanding that everybodyhas an unconscious mind and
knowing what could be takingplace.
for them unconsciously andgiving them the tools to be able
to change that unconsciouswithout necessarily going into
everything we went into aboutwhat the unconscious is,
etcetera.
You're utilizing the unconsciousto basically help mold and shape

(01:09:09):
them in a positive direction forthem, right?
It's very important for us to beaware of that.
And I should say, maybe notimportant, but It's helpful,
right?
Because then if you see somebodywho's got the tools but isn't
using them, you can dig a littledeeper and you can say, okay,
what's keeping them from doingit?
And then you can increase yourefficacy and you can increase
your completion rate and thesuccess that people are having,

(01:09:30):
which ultimately, like you said,to your point, That's when you
get repeat bookings andrecommendations, and that's when
people have the successes, whichis the whole goal of what we do.
So, yeah I find those twotechniques, the four questions
to bedrock, as well as the threethe three examples each night is
very powerful, and they'resimple things that anybody can
do.
So I would highly recommend thateverybody start doing those

(01:09:51):
right now.
And play with it, just getcomfortable with it.
Cause then when you start doingit to, to your clients and
helping your clients for them,then all of a sudden they're
like, wow, this is, that's somuch more valuable.
I got so much more out of thatthan I ever anticipated.
And that's just a, it's a verybeautiful thing.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (01:10:07):
Yeah, I agree.
And wow, that's, man, this hasbeen such a valuable
conversation.
A lot of information, a lot oftakeaways for people.
Thank you, TJ, so much for, youknow, Coming on and sharing your
expertise

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_1023 (01:10:21):
You're welcome.

ian_1_12-27-2024_112357 (01:10:22):
talking about your experiences.
And so as we wind down, I'mcurious, like, Where can people
get a hold of you?
What are you doing?
Like, how do you work withpeople?
If anybody is interested inworking with you or potentially
talking to you about coming tospeak at an event, like, yeah,

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_102356 (01:10:38):
The best thing for me right now, I'm
I'm mostly on Instagram is theeasiest way to get ahold of me.
It's just at TJ Frye, four Ohsix Frye is just F R Y no silent
E's in there but TJ F R Y fourzero six, and that's Instagram.
And you can shoot me a DM ifyou're interested.
And I'm on podcasts periodicallywith a number of other folks as
well.
So you may see me on there, butyeah, if you have any questions

(01:11:00):
and I love engagement, if peoplehave questions or they want to,
they see something thatresonates with them.
Shoot me a DM.
I respond to everybody thatreaches out to me cause I enjoy
it.
And and I love conversation.
So if you couldn't tell fromthis, I like talking.
So if you're interested inhaving a conversation, just
reach out, I'd be more than gladto set up a call and and see
what we can do for you.

ian_1_12-27-2024_11235 (01:11:19):
Awesome.
TJ, thank you again so much.
This has been superenlightening.
Great catching up.
Always awesome spending timewith you.
And thank you everybody forwatching and we'll see you in
the next one.

tj-fry_1_12-27-2024_1023 (01:11:28):
Adios.

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