What if confidence isn’t something you find, but something you feel when your life finally matches your values? We go straight at the heart of fear, numbness, and overthinking to show how clarity and courage can flip the switch from “fine” to fully alive. Through personal stories of depression, exposure therapy, and creative risks, we map the three values that rebuilt a brave life—joy, connection, and growth—and explain why alignment is the real shortcut to confidence.
You’ll hear how shutting down feelings to avoid pain also shuts out joy, and how carefully leaning into fear can create post-challenge elation (hello, whitewater rapids). We talk about dropping lifelong walls to reconnect with partners, kids, clients, and audiences, and we unpack the simple mindset shift that turns failure into feedback so you can move from endless prep to shipping your work. Along the way, we offer a clear values list—adventure, authenticity, autonomy, courage, creativity, family, faith, freedom, honesty, impact, integrity, joy, love, play, service, vulnerability—and three prompts to translate those words into daily action: where you’re aligned, where you’re not, and one small step this week to close the gap.
If you’ve felt stuck in perfection or numb behind a polished life, this conversation offers a practical compass and gentle fire to move again. Come choose values that feel like home, trade performance for presence, and stand your sacred ground—without shrinking or puffing up. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review to help more creators and entrepreneurs find their own compass for clarity.
Ready for more? Grab the free Confidence Kickstart Morning Routine in the show notes and get first dibs on my book, "The Confidence Shortcut" when it launches in December 2025, sign up below to be the first in line.
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Episode Transcript
Welcome to the Confidence Shortcut, the podcast
for ambitious creatives andentrepreneurs who are ready to
stop overthinking, take boldaction, and finally step into
the life they've been dreamingabout.
I'm your host, Nikki Stirner,mom, actor, comedian, and
producer.
After years of playing small andwaiting to feel ready, I went on
a courage quest and found ashortcut to confidence.
(00:22):
Each week, I'll bring you realstories, simple steps, and
conversations with experts inmindset, courage, and
confidence.
Plus, heart to hearts withfellow creatives who are turning
their dreams into reality.
It's time to get unstuck andstart showing up.
Let's dive in.
This is week four of season two.
So if you missed it, so farwe've covered week one was dream
(00:44):
detectives.
We talked about where are youcurrently and where do you
desire in four different areas.
Those were health,relationships, career, and fun
and adventure.
In week two, we talked about thethree S lists: the star list,
the scared list, and the successlist.
Last week three, we talked aboutthe success star model, where
(01:04):
you learn from others who aredoing exactly what you want to
do and you reverse engineertheir success into your soul
goals, what are the main thingsthat you need to do next?
And this week, we're turninginward with something that
becomes your lifelong compass,your core values, your compass
for clarity.
So, what are core values?
Your core values are theinvisible threads that run
(01:27):
through your best days, yourbiggest dreams, and your boldest
decisions.
They're not goals, they're thewhy underneath your goals.
Think of them as your NorthStar, the truth that you return
to when life gets loud.
Because when you live inalignment, you feel grounded,
clear, and energized.
But when you live out ofalignment, you feel confused,
(01:49):
burned out, resentful, and numb.
I wanted to start off by talkingabout my three core values and
giving you a story behind eachof them.
So my first one is joy.
And I chose joy because therewas a time in my life when my
life looked great from theoutside.
(02:09):
It looked great on paper.
I was staying at home with thekids, or sometimes I was
working.
My husband was making a greatliving.
We had three kids that werehealthy, but I just felt like
there was more calling to me.
And I just was not happy.
I couldn't find my joy.
I struggled.
I felt almost dead inside, whichsounds terrible now, but truly
(02:32):
that's what it felt like.
And the reason why was because Ihad avoided feeling fear, things
that scared me for so long thatI couldn't feel anything.
That goes back to when I was insixth grade and my parents went
through a divorce, and I wasreally upset about it.
I don't, I didn't realize I wasthat sensitive until I've
actually allowed myself to startfeeling feelings.
(02:53):
But now that I can, I realize Iam a very sensitive human being,
which is great as an artist, butit's tough as a child.
So I shut down my feelings.
And that included when you don'tfeel the fear, you don't feel
the sadness, you don't feelanything.
You just lock down feelings.
So I didn't allow myself tofeel, and that's what caused me
(03:14):
to feel dead inside.
I couldn't feel anything.
My internal flame was out.
And now I've gone through threemajor bouts of depression in my
life.
The first time was in collegeand I was medicated, I was on
antidepressants, and that didn'twork for me because I just felt
numb, completely numb.
Like I was zoned out for twoyears of my life, basically.
(03:36):
I don't remember much of it,other than I was performing on
dance team and getting through abusiness degree.
But I, for me, that didn't work.
The second time was in my 30s,and it was before I started
doing acting.
And I tried herbal supplementsbecause there was a lot of
stress with I had three kids allunder six.
It was like two, four, and six.
(03:56):
And I just felt burned out.
Our youngest was having febralseizures, and uh, all the kids
had allergies and just reactionsto everything.
So it was just super stressful.
And I wasn't doing acting, Iwasn't doing anything creative,
and I think my soul was justhurting.
And so I tried herbalsupplements to just again numb
out, get through it.
(04:17):
But by the third time that ithappened to me in my 40s, I
healed by changing my mindset.
And that actually is the thingthat has stuck with me and has
allowed me to truly feeleverything.
I learned to align my mind withmy biggest dreams to say yes to
them.
And that required feeling myfear through exposure therapy,
which I did over a year ago.
(04:37):
I started it in July.
Just put myself in the dailygrind of go and do something
that scares you.
But that feeling of fear is whatallowed me to also feel joy
because I tapped into myfeelings, which I hadn't felt
that much of in years.
So that's what I teach in theconfidence shortcut, because
(04:57):
that's what works.
That's what worked for me,that's what works for my
clients.
And I lived through it, and joyreturned when I stopped running
from fear and started movingthrough it with it.
When I felt the joy is directlyafter when I felt the fear.
So, like I remember when we wentwhitewater rafting in Glacier
National Park a year ago, and itwas super scary, like rapids,
(05:20):
but the elation that I feltafterward was off the charts.
Like I remember being sosurprised at how great I felt.
And I realized that was the keyto feeling joy was pushing
myself through the things thatscared me.
And I talk about that in otherepisodes, but that's the
excitation transfer processwhere your body gets revved up
(05:41):
because of the fear, and thenthat elated feeling transfers
into the joy as well.
My new book, The ConfidenceShortcut, is almost here, and I
want you to be among the firstto know when it goes on sale.
This isn't just a book, it'salso a journal and a calendar
that walks you through the exactprocess I used to go from
over-preparing and stuck inperfection to finding my voice
(06:03):
and using it on stage inrelationships and in business.
When you sign up, you'll getearly access updates,
behind-the-scenes bonuses, andfirst divs when the book goes
live in December.
Don't wait.
Sign up at the link in the shownotes and be the first to know
when the confident shortcut isavailable.
(06:24):
All right, my second core valueis connection.
So, yeah, I just talked aboutthis.
When my parents divorced insixth grade, I cried once in my
closet, like sobbed like a baby,and told myself, that's enough.
Never again.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
And so from that moment on, Ibuilt walls.
Those walls followed me intoadulthood, even my marriage.
(06:46):
My husband would say, There's noconnection.
And I didn't understand becauseI felt like we were doing okay.
But I had locked that part ofmyself away.
I had locked away the ability tofeel because it felt scary.
And it wasn't until I faced fearhead on that I realized if I can
feel fear and still be okay,then I can feel my feelings and
(07:06):
still be okay.
And when I did that, thatshifted everything.
Connection came rushing back tomy kids, to my husband, to my
audience, to my clients, and tomyself.
Because when you let yourselffeel fear, you finally let
yourself connect.
The third core value is growth.
I've always been curious.
(07:28):
I love learning.
I've been a great student mywhole life.
Um, but for my for most of mylife, I was terrified to act on
what I learned.
So I was just like learningstuff.
I had notebook upon notebook,like piles of notebooks.
And eventually I got like superfrustrated because I'm like, why
am I learning this and not usingit?
I'm just learning to learn.
So I'd stay stuck in preparationmode, afraid of failing or
(07:49):
looking stupid.
And then two and a half yearsago, I made a new decision.
I made a new choice.
I shifted out of the victimmindset who was afraid to fail
and into a growth mindset whowelcomed failure.
I started seeing failure asfeedback.
That one mindset shift changedeverything.
I said yes to performing, towriting, to producing, to
(08:11):
speaking again on stage.
And this expanded my entireworld and brought me more joy
and connection in the process.
They're like all combined.
The joy, the connection, thegrowth, these are the roots of
my dream life.
They are my compass.
They are my confidence shortcutwhen I have joy because I'm
(08:32):
feeling fear, which allows me tofeel joy.
When I am connected, when I'mopen to other people, when I am
open to growth and open tofailure, I can achieve anything
that I set my mind to.
I've seen this, I see otherpeople doing this.
So now it's your turn.
You've heard my three corevalues.
(08:53):
What about you?
Don't pick what soundsimpressive.
Pick what feels like home.
If you're torn between a few,just ask which one would I fight
for?
Which one causes sparks inside?
Now I might even add courage tomy core values list.
I might add authenticity.
Like I might have five insteadof three.
(09:13):
Just write down the ones thatreally stick out to you.
And I'm gonna give you a list ofthem right now with their
definitions.
So the first one is adventure,includes bold new experiences,
embracing the unknown.
I have a friend, Julie, who is avery adventurous person, and she
definitely loves and adventures.
(09:34):
She loves traveling, she lovesrepelling mountains, whitewater
rafting.
She does all the adventurousstuff.
Authenticity, showing up as yourreal self.
That is definitely somethingpeople pleasers have a really
hard time with that.
And I was stuck in peoplepleasing for a very long time.
I remember my mom used to say,Why do you do that?
(09:54):
Why do you slap on this fakesmile?
And I was just like, I don'teven know what to say to that
because that is my protection.
That's my mask.
So yeah, authenticity is anotherreally important one.
Okay, the next one is autonomy,freedom to choose,
self-direction.
That's really important asentrepreneurs.
(10:14):
Like if you're someone whodoesn't like being bossed
around, if you will, or beingtold what to do or how to do it,
autonomy is a really importantone for you.
Connection, being seen, heard,and supported, being connected
to others.
Courage, acting even when fearis present.
Sorry, acting even when fear ispresent.
(10:36):
Yeah, fear might be precedent inyour life, but fear is okay.
Fear is probably gonna be withus forever.
It's a natural instinct.
And when we learn how to use itinstead of avoid it, it can
actually be a really greatthing.
Okay, the next one iscreativity, expressing
imagination and originality.
Are you someone who thrives oncreating something that you
(11:00):
need, like you need water, likeyou need air?
Do you need to create family,prioritizing loved ones and
chosen family?
This is another big one for mebecause when I started doing
stand-up comedy, I was outalmost every night doing open
mics.
And that I really struggledwith.
That's not a lifestyle choicethat I will ever do, at least
(11:22):
while I have kids, because Ilike being here at night when
they get home from school.
And even if I don't sit withthem all night just being in the
other room, it's reallyimportant for me.
Okay, faith is another one,trusting in a bigger purpose or
unfolding, like your faith isimportant to you.
Freedom, the power to choose howyou live and create, the
(11:45):
freedom, growth, learning,expanding, evolving, is growth
important to you?
Honesty is truth-telling withself and others important to
you.
Impact creating meaningfulchange is impact a big one for
you.
Integrity, living your truthwhen it's hard.
(12:08):
Is integrity important for you?
Joy choosing lightness anddelight because it is a choice.
Joy, love, leading withcompassion and care.
Is love a core value of yours?
My book, The ConfidenceShortcut, is almost here.
(12:28):
Want to be first in line when itgoes on sale in December?
Sign up at the link in the shownotes to get early access,
bonuses, and launch day alerts.
Don't wait.
Be the first to know.
Courage, on purpose, every day.
Play.
Fun, curiosity,lightheartedness.
Is that important?
Just recently, like in the pastcouple months, play has really
(12:52):
shown up for me in my life as Icreate sketch characters, as I
sing, as I dance.
Play is a really big one becauseI'm serving my inner child.
I'm serving that child who mayhave had something happen and
then wasn't able to doeverything she wanted to do
because she was afraid of beingjudged or failing.
(13:13):
So now I'm like, what do youneed?
I look at my inner child photofrom when I was nine and ask
her, what do you need today?
And a lot of times it's play.
She needs to go and have somefun.
Service, is service one of yourcore values?
Generosity, lifting others.
And the last one isvulnerability.
Is emotional openness andsharing your heart one of your
(13:35):
main things that you love doing?
Okay.
Next I want to reflect.
I want to use these prompts todiscover your compass.
Where in your life are youalready living your values?
Number one, where in your lifeare you already living your
values?
So for me, I do the couragequest, which is me choosing joy.
(13:58):
It's choosing growth and it'schoosing connection because I
have a group, a beautiful,wonderful, incredible group of
people that are my clients inthe courage quest.
And that has created an enormousamount of connection and an
enormous amount of growth as Iwitness them growing as well as
(14:18):
joy.
I love because it pushes me.
Pushes me and it pushes them.
And the connection and thegrowth and the joy are all
there.
Okay, number two, where are youout of alignment?
So when I was doing the openmics, I was out of alignment
because that was super hard forme.
I felt like it just didn't lineup with my family at the time.
(14:40):
Now, maybe when I when my kidsget older, it might, but that's
a little tricky.
So, like creating sketch videoswould be more in alignment with
me because I can do it from myhouse or I can do it from to fit
my schedule versus being onsomeone else's schedule is
tricky.
Number three, what's one smallaction you can take this week to
live one of them more fully?
So where can you, if it'sgrowth, where can you grow?
(15:03):
What can you do that would pushyou outside your comfort zone?
Okay, in closing, I'll leave youwith Renee Brown's wisdom.
Don't shrink, don't puff up.
Stand your sacred ground.
So don't shrink, don't puff upand stand your sacred ground.
That's what living your valuesis.
(15:23):
Standing your sacred ground.
When you know your values,confidence becomes your natural
state.
Alignment is confidence.
All right.
Next week we'll take thisclarity even further by dreaming
a hundred times bigger, craftingyour wildest yes life.
Until then, live aligned, livebrave, and keep standing your
(15:47):
sacred ground.
Thanks for being here.
Thanks so much for listening toThe Confident Shortcut.
I hope today's episode wokesomething up in you, reminding
you that your dream matters andyou can start now.
If this sparked something, shareit with a friend who needs it
too.
And don't forget to follow me onInstagram at Nikki Stirner and
join our Facebook community atThe Confident Shortcut.
(16:08):
Ready to take the next step?
Check out my free guide, TheConfidence Kickstart, linked in
the show notes.
Keep showing up.
Keep taking action.
And remember, the shortcut toconfidence is courage.
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